Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Metal Snake]

Cool to see Box riffing again! And yeah, that was one of the more okay episodes.

 

Spoiler

Too bad I can't say that about a particular musical episode...

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

31. Express Yourself

32. Pray For You

33. Under My Bed

 

34. The Chosen:

 

Spoiler

And here's an episode that will change the show forever.

 

[Jjs: FOREVER? Damn, this is gonna be gud.]

[Wumbo: I’m all for anything that has to do with changing this show.]

S2E14 (34)- The Chosen: ("Yesterday" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNnaxGFO18o ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: Oh no.]

[JCM: Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Then I started riffing this thing.]

[Jjs: No title card? Dangit, I wanted to see more beautiful artwork!]

"We are gathered here today, March 1st, to remember Temperance Simmera. Her death is a travesty, there is no doubt. But we must not question His power, and His decisions." Father Westwick pointed up to the sky above him. "Thank you all for coming, and drive home safely."

 

[Jjs: ...Westwick?]

[Wumbo: …Simmera?]

Mikayla Simmera stood there, frozen, as everyone started to leave her sister's funeral. It was over. She willed herself to stay, to watch the casket go into the ground. She stood there with her mother and Tristan as they all cried, but she cried the hardest. Sure, she and Temperance had made up and everything, but they were still fighting before she died... and that upset her. Brenda and Tristan told her they were leaving, and she said she wanted to stay. She couldn't make herself leave yet.

 

[Jjs: So 70s did kill her off...nah, not buying it, he's going to pull a twist 4 episodes later, I can sense it. But for now, sure, let's go with her being dead. I also love how much attention Temperance's funeral got, though at least it was more than Larry's.]

[JCM: Well, if she somehow does survive this, I wouldn't put it past her to become even more of a religious fanatic than before.]

("Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqXmBy1_qOQ ] plays instead of the regular theme; the words 'A VERY SPECIAL BIKINI TOP' flash across the screen)

 

[Jjs: Maybe this episode will relate to LSD then. And at least we finally have a song in place of the "regular theme", whatever the hell that was.]

[Wumbo: Oh no.]

("Help" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ApstMKNEMI&feature=related ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: Oh NO NO NO, NO NO NO NO NO NO. The BEATLES? You’re doing a BEATLES-themed episode? With BEATLES music? You’ve desecrated the legacy of so many artists thus far, and now the BEATLES? Fuck this. From now on, I’m just going to imagine Blood on the Dance Floor music playing throughout these scenes, to match the quality level.]

[JCM: "Help" is a very accurate description of what's going through my head right now.]

April 10th.

 

[Jjs: Yay, another unnecessary timeskip.]

Bryan is with Zoey and Zack in WaterFalls.

 

[Jjs: So we skip a month, Bryan has moved off-screen, and he never said goodbye to his friends or anything? Great, just great.]

[Wumbo: Don’t go chasin’… on second thought, let’s not bring TLC into this.]

 

He is still upset over the death of Temperance. Their relationship had no closure. Just a forced ending.

 

[JCM: Like every episode of Bikini Top ever.]

[Wumbo: How inconvenient. Bryan once again makes everything about him, ladies and gents.]

 

He is walking around downtown. WaterFalls is a large city, the way he likes it. He walks into a strange shop called "Glinda the Good Witch's Ware," because it intrigues him.

 

[Jjs: That sounds like some porno shop, I'd probably exit out now Bryan...]

[Wumbo: Shittiest. Porno shop. Ever.]

[JCM: Yeah, the Wicked Witch's Ware has much better porn.]

 

Bryan expected to enter the shop and see a very old woman with long white hair falling down to the ground, but it was actually a stunningly beautiful woman with jet-black hair and yellow eyes (she must have been wearing contacts to sell the whole 'witch' thing).

 

[WGAD Police Chief: Wumbo, stop calling the emergency line. For Christ’s sake, I’m trying to get through a Pokémon episode here.]

 

She was wearing a red witch's hat on her head, and a sleek and shiny black dress.

 

"My name is Glinda," she said. "You must be Bryan. I've been expecting you."

"What?"

 

[Jjs: "Ah Mr. Bond, I've been expecting you." Seriously though, hopefully Glinda doesn't want to anal fuck Bryan as well.]

[JCM: If she does, 70s will spend several paragraphs describing it, I'm sure.]

~~~

("Eight Days a Week" by The Beatles [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: *”Bewitched” by Blood on the Dance Floor]

Jake and Morgan were lying in Jake's bed, browsing Jake's laptop looking for apartments. They were planning to move out, since they would be going to college next year, and they did not want to be a burden to Tori any longer. The laptop ran out of battery.

 

[JCM: That laptop was a brave man, fighting in the line of duty like that! Why, why, why?]

"Crap," said Jake.

 

[Jjs: Such language!]

[Wumbo: Especially from the spin-off that brought you “jex” as a softer substitute for “sex”.]

"Hey, doesn't Seth live in an apartment complex?" Morgan asked. "We can ask him if there's an empty apartment near him."

"Great idea," Jake said.

"Duh."

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #1.]

[JCM: Duh-doi!]

~~~

("A Hard Day's Night" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlDdcCzKjsc ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: 70s sure has a Beatles fetish for this episode so far-oh wait, was this made during the Beatles SWYAD in 2011? Way to cross-promote, pal.]

[Wumbo: No Beatles here, I don’t know what you’re talking about jjs. This is pure crappy BOTDF music, perfect for this spin-off.]

Astenias was done waiting for Mitchell to bring him Bryan Errin.

 

[Jjs: Finally we're back to this plot...too bad Glinda is about to rape Bryan before you though.]

[Wumbo: Uh… thanks for specifying that last name? Is there another Bryan we should be thinking about? Not that I think about any of these characters, but you get me.]

[JCM: If only Mitchell was as good at stealing children as he was at stealing bags of blood from blood banks.]

 

He was going to Bikini Top and handling this on his own. He started running, and after about five minutes he had arrived at the door of Mitchell's home. He knocked on the door to see Mitchell's daughter.

 

[Jjs: Took you long enough, you lazy bastard. You've been shouting "BRING ME BRYAN ERRIN!" and killing your henchmen who could be doing the job instead since December, and it took you until April?]

[Wumbo: “He knocked on the door to see Mitchell’s daughter”? There’s… uh, something not quite right with that phrasing. Is Mitchell whoring out his daughter for door knocks?]

"You must be Tori," he said. "I'm Mitchell's friend, Albert."

 

[Jjs: 

 ]

"Oh, hello," said Tori. "Er... not to be rude, but are you..."

"Albino, yes."

 

[JCM: You can tell he's albino from his fangs and Transylvanian accent.]

"Ah," Astenias said. "If you don't mind, can I come in?"

"Of course," Tori said. "Any friend of my father's is a friend of mine."

"Excellent," he said, and walked into the house with an evil grin.

 

[Jjs: Oh no, now Astenias is going to take his anal rape out on poor Tori!]

[Wumbo: Not yet. The grin is not wide enough. Soon, though. Soon.]

~~~

Molly was leafing through a book in her house, when suddenly, her brother Rainn was standing in front of her.

 

[Jjs: Oh hey, we're finally touching on this plot again...]

[JCM: Just because you're a supernatural creature doesn't mean you don't have to knock. *shakes head* What happened to chivalry?]

 

"You," she said.

 

"Hi there, little sis." He winked.

 

[Jjs: ...never mind. I don't know if that even qualified as a scene. Regardless, Pointless Scene #2.]

 

~~~

("While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3RYvO2X0Oo ] plays throughout the scene)

Naomi and Veera were at the mall when they ran into a tearful Mikayla in JC Fishey.

 

[Jjs: BOOOOOO!!!!!]

[Wumbo: HISSSS!!!!]

[JCM: GROOOOOAN!!!]

Veera suggested going the other way.

"Mom!" Naomi said, shocked at her mother's insensitivity. She walked up to Mikayla. "What's the matter, Mikayla?"

Mikayla was standing next to a rack assorted with bright, colorful, lively clothes. The word to describe them in Naomi's mind was "Preppy."

 

[Wumbo: The word to describe them in 70s’ mind is probably the wrong one.]

"These are the clothes Temperance would have been wearing... before she..."

 

[JCM: Went into the JC Fishey in the sky.]

"Oh."

Mikayla had been trying to hold in her tears, but she let them all out. She was bawling in the middle of JC Fishey.

 

[Wumbo: Okay, see now, this is why puns sometimes suck. Because you can add in an emotional scene like this, and then the emotion gets wringed out like a sponge when “JC Fishey” is brought up. How am I supposed to take this seriously now? It’s like if Liam Neeson suddenly put on a clown nose in Schindler’s List. IT DOESN’T WORK.]

 

Some walked by and gave sympathetic looks while others just stared at her in complete bewilderment.

 

[JCM: How dare a person cry in a mall! It ruins the unfeeling corporate culture that attracts us to them!]

[Wumbo: But of course, 70s doesn’t need any help with terrible puns to suck the emotion out of a scene. Pointless details do that job just fine.]

"It's okay," said Naomi. She hugged Mikayla. "It's all going to be okay."

"I miss her."

"Me too," said Naomi.

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #3.]

[Wumbo: Concurring with jjs. The scene could have worked if 70s didn’t fuck it up with the two emotion killers, though.]

[JCM: And JC Freakin' Fishey.]

~~~

("I Am the Walrus" by The Beatles [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

Bryan slowly tried to back away from Glinda, who walked towards him. He started to run -- well, he TRIED to start to run, but Glinda started chanting what he recognized as Latin, and then he was knocked out.

 

[Jjs: I knew it, another character that wants to anal fuck Bryan!]

[Wumbo: The only Latin that 70s knows is “mea culpa”, most likely because he has to say it so often.]

[JCM: Glinda, if you're as pretty as you were described, you don't have to resort to female rape to get action!]

Glinda picked him up and carried him to the next room in the shop. She set him down on a table, and went to a large cauldron near the table: a cauldron boiling with a dark green liquid. She stirred the contents of the cauldron with a gargantuan wooden spoon, then put the green liquid into a bowl. She went back over to Bryan, and poured the liquid straight into his mouth. She said...

 

[Jjs: So we have pedophile witches underwater now? The Pedophile Police have enough on their hands.]

"You, the Chosen, will protect us from the vampires..." she went back to the cauldron, filled the bowl again, and continued pouring it in. "You will need the help of this potion... the Thewot Potion. In addition to the abilities you already possess, this will further help you.... Used today, Arbor Day, it will have its most powerful and lasting affect on your body." She returned to the cauldron to get more of the Thewot Potion and poured even more into Bryan's mouth. She continued doing this until every drop of the potion was gone.

 

[Jjs: Thewot? The what? Thewut? No really...

 

What?]

[JCM: Every time a vampire-related event happens, you can always count on the most ridiculous of names to come up.]

She picked Bryan back up and set him on the floor in the room he entered the shop in. She then uttered a spell that made him stand up, and then a spell that made him wake up.

"What happened?" he said groggily.

"Nothing," said Glinda. "You dozed off. What's your name?"

 

[Jjs: Oh cool, so uh, Bryan is....the chosen one now?

 

Too bad Bryan is barely important anymore for this to matter. Oh well. I should probably have a better reaction to this, but I can't. Next scene!]

[JCM: Literally the first thing she said when he walked in was "You must be Bryan." Consistency!]

 

~~

("I'm Only Sleeping" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETO3YfDKEI4 ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: God, you know, I’m trying to get through this episode, but it’s made even harder with all this BOTDF garbage. I mean, come on, 70s!]

"Rainn, what the hell do you want?" said Molly.

 

[Wumbo: Ah, here we have the continuation of a scene that really could have just been put together with this scene, but what 70s likes to do is spread out all the storylines until nobody has a clue what’s going on anymore! This show needs, like, a dose of Ritalin or something.]

[JCM: Is 70s is hacking these scenes apart just so he can use every song in the Beatles catalog?]

"I want you dead," Rainn said to her. "For what you did."

 

[Jjs: Does someone need his diaper changed?]

"You know what I did was accidental," said Molly, and now she was crying. "It was an accident, Rainn! I swear!"

"Oh, an accident, huh?" Rainn said.

"Yes!" Molly cried. "Please, just have mercy. I beg you, Rainn. We're family."

"Family," Rainn said. "You don't have much of that left, considering you killed our parents.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[JCM: Yes, killing your parents would lower the amount of family you have. That is an astute observation.]

 

And now, I'm going to kill your little girlfriend, then once you're there, begging for me to kill you, on the ground just pleading, then I'll slowly, painfully kill you."

 

[Wumbo: And your little dog, too!]

 

~~~

Mitchell walked into the living room to see Astenias speaking with his daughter. He spit out his coffee.

 

[Wumbo: Okay, if I can pick out one thing that I’d like to see exorcized from this spin-off for good, it’s those damn spit takes. This isn’t a Saturday morning cartoon for morons, 70s. You don’t need to rely on clichés when you have such… interesting… characters… and plots…

 

You know what? Keep up the spit takes. In fact, double them.]

"Dad!" Tori exclaimed. "Why did you do that?"

 

[JCM: He ordered a mochaccino, not a cappuccino!]

[Wumbo: “Because I’m a poorly written character that relies on clichés to add drama. Also, this coffee is just too damn hot.”]

"Sorry dear..." said Mitchell. "It was just, very, very hot." He shot a quick glare at Astenias.

 

[Wumbo: Hey, that was my line, Mitch! Fuck you!]

"Oh," said Tori. "Well I was just having a nice chat with your friend Albert. He says you guys golf together, and he was wondering why you weren't there today."

"Oh, hello As... Albert," Mitchell said, and smiled the best he could. "Tori, we're out of milk. Could you maybe go get us some? I would ask Jake or Morgan, but they're visiting Seth."

 

[JCM: Ass Albert is better than Astenias' usual name.]

"Of course, Dad," said Tori. She went and grabbed the keys to her boatmobile off the counter and walked out the door.

 

[Jjs: Calling it now: Mitchell gets anal fucked by Astenias.]

"You MOTHERFUCKER!" Astenias yelled once Tori had left.

 

[Jjs: Second best line of the spin-off.]

 

"You still haven't brought me Bryan Errin, and now I hear he is in WaterFalls!"

 

[Jjs: Where does Astenias get his news from anyways? Steve and Hobo from the Bus Station?]

[steve: Yeah, I deliver Vampire News Weekly to him.]

[Hobo from the Bus Station: I told him in exchange for money, and he never gave me any. ]

"I'm not giving him to you," said Mitchell. "I'm going to keep him safe."

"Oh, are you?" said Astenias.

"Yes, I am."

 

"I don't think so," Astenias said menacingly.

 

[JCM: Ooh, talking in a menacing manner. Ass Albert knows his intimidation tactics.]

"Oh yeah?" Mitchell yelled. "What are you gonna do? KILL ME?"

"Indeed," said Astenias. He grabbed a stake from inside his trenchcoat, and drove it through Mitchell's chest.

 

[Jjs: I still like how the one thing that kills his own kind is what he just has by him at all times. Oh and I called it, big surprise.]

[Wumbo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUcwo_R_8vk ]

 

Making sure to leave no evidence for Tori to find, he wrote a note saying that Mitchell was moving back home, and then he went back to his home, dropped off Mitchell, and embarked on a long (well...) to WaterFalls.

 

[Jjs: A long what?]

[Wumbo: A long… a long… I… got nothing. 70s has apparently given up. So should I, I guess.]

[JCM: Maybe the word that's supposed to be after "long" turned invisible...just like a vampire! Either that or 70s is just a lazy writer. I'm banking on the latter.]

~~~

("Why Don't We Do It In the Road?" by The Beatles [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

Seth and Heather are making out passionately on Seth's couch, and Heather removes Seth's shirt.

 

[Jjs: OH GOD SKIPPING]

[Wumbo: TAKE ME WITH YOU JJS!]

"Hang on," said Seth. "I've been thinking."

"About what, babe?"

"We should move in together."

Then there was a knock on the door.

Then shirtless Seth answered to see Morgan and Jake.

"Oh, dear God," said Morgan.

 

[JCM: I should have skipped with the others.]

~~~

Bryan went back to Zoey and Zack's house disoriented and confused. Then while he was walking down the empty dirt trail that leads to their house he started sprouting leaves from his fins, and he screamed. He started to run, but he couldn't escape. He turned into a tree.

 

[Jjs: I didn't know we were riffing The Odd Life of Timothy Green now.]

[Wumbo: Uh oh, looks like I skipped all the way to the end of this scene… no, that’s the only paragraph. Huh. Okay then.]

[JCM: At least that explains why Glinda wanted to do the spell on Arbor Day. That doesn't make this whole storyline any less nonsensical, however.]

 

~~~

("Let It Be" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0714IbwC3HA ] plays throughout the scene)

Naomi and Mikayla were at Naomi's house, talking about Temperance.

"I miss her so much," said Mikayla. "You know, it's like they always say. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

 

[JCM: Yeah, kind of like that end quotation mark.]

"I know what you mean," Naomi said. "Believe me, I do."

"You do?"

 

[Wumbo: “I am well acquainted with the language of cliché. I do live in Bikini Top, after all.”]

"Yeah. As a friend, well... I never really treated Temperance that well. And now, I resent that. I resent the way I treated her, especially before she..."

"...died."

"Yes, before she..." she gulped, "...died. And... because I treated her that way... and because of what you said to me at the hospital before she died.... Mikayla, I'm so sorry. Temperance dying was my fault. It was all my fault." She started to cry.

 

[Wumbo: Okay, I don’t usually advocate for time skips, especially in this spin-off, but can we skip to a future where half the fucking episode isn’t weeping?]
[Jjs: What Wumbo said. Maybe if the dialogue was interesting I'd be fine with it, but it is the same old tedious dialogue over and over again. At least make the emotional scenes interesting.]

"Don't think that way," Mikayla said. "It's no one's fault."

 

[JCM: Except that tree, of course.]

"But it is!" Naomi cried. "It's mine! It's so obvious! It was my fault! I treated Temperance like shit! I fought with her, like literally on the ground fought with her!

 

[Wumbo: Reeeeooow. I’m sorry, that was in bad taste.]

 

I made her feel like she was worthless! Then she felt miserable and ran away! And what happened after she ran away? She died."

"It's more complicated than that," said Mikayla, trying her best to comfort her new friend. "There were other reasons she was upset. Our family is just going through a hard time."

"What's happening?"

"Our mother... she only has a few weeks left to live," said Mikayla.

 

[JCM: A few weeks? Didn't Brenda say back in late February that she had four months left to live? It hasn't even been two months since then. 70s must really want her dead.]

"Oh my God," said Naomi. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah..." said Mikayla.

 

[Jjs: Knowing 70s' great time skills, he'll either:

 

A) Kill her offscreen and have a one sentence funeral

Extend her time through some twist

C) She doesn't die to a twist

D) He forgets

 

Take your pick.]

[Wumbo: Let’s ask the audience. Entirety of SBC, what do you think?]

~~~

"Are we really going to do this?" Hersht asked.

 

[Jjs: Oh hey, you exist. Too bad Dora and Jordin don't it seems.]

[Wumbo: But I thought he died? Or something… oh, whatever. I don’t care! I don’t care!]

"Yes," Brenda said. "I need to do this for my family. I can't die. They need me."

 

[JCM: 70s apparently doesn't want her dead. He's just bad at time. What a surprise.]

Brenda had been desperate. She hadn't known where to turn. Becoming a vampire seemed to be the only solution in a world overflowing with problems.

 

[Jjs: Oh no...don't tell me this means what I think it means...]

(begin flashback)
 

[Jjs: YES! It's been too long since 70s forced in a flashback.]

Brenda was tearful, reminiscing about Temperance's life while she walked through the woods, soaking up the last of the world's beauty before she joined her daughter in Heaven. 

 

[Jjs: Nothing like taking a stroll through a dark and suspicious forest to take your mind off of cancer, right boys?]

 

Suddenly, she saw a very attractive man sucking

 

[Jjs: Uh...do I even dare read the rest?]

 

the blood from a sea-worm. She just immediately knew: this man was a vampire.

 

[Jjs: Yeah...are we sure that was a sea-worm? *smirk* Looks like another poorly written homosexual character, Wumbo.]

[Wumbo: Jjs, that’s gross.]

 

"Hello," she said.

 

[JCM: When you catch a vampire killing something, you really shouldn't walk up to it and make small talk.]

The man jumped.

Brenda just stood there for a long time. She was thinking, and she knew what had to be done. She tried to find the right words to explain herself. "I have cancer."

"Oh," said the man. "Well, if we're getting into topics like that, I suppose you should at least know my name. I'm Hersht, and I guess you already know that I'm a... vampire."

"Yes," said Brenda. "My name is Brenda. Now anyways, I have cancer, and that's obviously not something I want.

 

[Wumbo: Well, aren’t you a special snowflake! Seriously, WHO TALKS ABOUT CANCER LIKE THIS, IT’S NOT A FUCKING BIRTHMARK.]

[JCM: You don't like cancer? What has cancer ever done to you? Besides shut down your immune system, of course.]

 

I only have a month left to live. If you turn me into a vampire like you are, then I don't have to die."

 

[Jjs: No...you are not serious....]

"This life..." said Hersht. "It's not what you want, ma'am."

"No," Brenda said. "That's not true. What I don't want is to die and leave my family behind.

 

[Wumbo: “Instead of teaching them about death and tragedy, I’d rather live on as a supernatural being, probably living off of their blood! The obvious solution! Only downside is, no more garlic breadsticks from Olive Garden.”]

 

I beg of you to turn me."

 

[JCM: Why are you talking like sixth-century plutocrat?]

 

"Being dead is better than being undead," said Hersht. "You have to live with the constant urge to kill. Your family, you'll want to kill them whenever you're around them, and you have to fight that. If I'm going to turn you, you would not be allowed to feed on any intelligent creatures at all.

 

[Wumbo: Okay… the joke already been beaten to death, but if 70s insists on referring to his characters as “intelligent” time and time again, someone has to call him out.]

 

Just things like what I eat, like this sea-worm. They don't quite satisfy you, but they sustain you for about four days."

 

[Wumbo: You just gotta find the right guy with the right package. I’m sure his “sea-worm” will “satisfy” you.

…hey, don’t look at me. jjs started it.]

"I can do it," Brenda assured him. "Please, I can. I'm begging you." She got down on the ground. "Please."

 

[JCM: Pretty please with cancer on top?]

Hersht sighed. "Fine."

"Really?"

"Yes," said Hersht. "In exactly one week, we will meet here."

 

[Jjs: .....]

 

(flashback ends)

It had been precisely one week since that day. It was the day Brenda was to be turned into a vampire.

"Let's do this," she said.

Hersht bit her in the neck and she screamed, shocked at how much it hurt.

 

[Wumbo: “Good golly gee! Apparently getting bitten hurts! You learn something new every day.”]

[JCM: Did you think that somebody's fangs going into your neck would be a pleasurable experience?]

[Jjs: WOW, HE DID IT, HE ACTUALLY DID IT! 70s has reached enlightenment, and not a good kind. Wow. This is by far his worst plot twist yet. After all that build up to "zomg Brenda is dying", he instead pulls her becoming a vampire out of nowhere. If you don't have the balls to continue serious topics (which seems to be obvious by now with this and Liam), then don't even do them from the start.]

~~~

("Come Together" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8LZGQ4MkvQ ] plays throughout the scene)

Astenias arrived at the dirt path leading to Zoey's home, and walked towards the house. On the way, he noticed a tree in the middle of the path.

 

[Jjs: Astenias got there awfully fast, maybe he should audition for the vampire track team.]

He arrived at the house, and knocked on the door.

"Hello, is Bryan home?" he asked, faking a polite tone to Zoey.

 

"No, he's out," said Zoey. "Can I ask who you are?"

 

[JCM: He's Ass Albert, obviously.]

"God damn it!" Astenias said. "No, you can't ask who I am."

 

[Wumbo: Wow, Jehovah’s Witnesses have sure gotten lax on the cussing, eh?]
[Jjs: "I cannot tell you who I am, it's confidential!"]

"What?"

Astenias broke her neck. Zack ran to the door, and Astenias picked him up and threw him across the room. He hit the sliding glass door and glass flew everywhere. Astenias then went and stomped on his throat, making sure he was dead. He went through the entire house searching for Bryan, and cursed when he couldn't find him.

 

[Jjs: Of course two characters get killed off when Astenias visits, this gets more and more "suspenseful". Too bad Zoe and Zach did jack squat and had no importance to the story whatsoever, so my caring meter for this one is below zero.]

[Wumbo: This spin-off induces enough Z’s that we didn’t really need Zack and Zoey.]

[JCM: Not only did he kill two people in cold blood, but he searched their property without a warrant! How un-American!]

He then remembered what he had done to Bryan's home two Christmases ago... and he decided to do it again. He burned the house down, because he was just that pissed off.

 

[Jjs: I'm just disappointed now "Burn it to the Ground" wasn't played for this scene. It also looks like Asstenias will be forever pissed he never found that damn fourth Chaos Emerald.]

~~~

("Hold Me Tight" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hf3yL7Gixvg ] plays throughout the scene)

Jake, Morgan, Seth, and Heather were sitting on Seth's couch talking.

"Anyways, Seth, we actually came to ask you something," Morgan said.

"Oh, what is it?" Seth (who now has a shirt on)

 

[JCM: Did you really need to add that last tidbit of information.]

[Wumbo: …stop.

Just, just stop.

Stop, stop, stop, for fuck’s sake, STOP! Stop with the cringeworthy humour! It’s not funny, it’s not clever, it’s not relevant, and no one cares! God damn it! Now I know how Astenias feels! BRING ME BRYAN ERRIN!]

 

asked her.

"Are there any open apartments here?" Morgan asked.

"You can have this one," Seth said. "I'm moving in with Heather."

"You are?" Jake asked.

"You are?" Heather asked.

 

[JCM: "Surprise! I'm moving in with you!"]
[Pedophile Police Officer: Ordering an arrest warrant for Heather....does she have a last name, jjs?]

[Jjs: Not that I know of...say, I don't think a good chunk of these people even have last names. Let's call her Heather Cradlerobber.]

~~~

"Rainn, I'll do anything," said Molly. "Just leave me and Anna alone."

 

[Wumbo: Rainn, Rainn, go away, come again another day. *rimshot*]

"There's nothing you can do, Molly!" Rainn said. "I'm going to kill you. It's going to happen, whether you want me to or not! It doesn't matter how much you grovel, you're going to die."

 

[Jjs: Or instead of spouting cliche dialogue, you could just kill her now. Jeez, and I thought ATTWL 3 CDCB and 70s were a hamfest.]

"And what if I just kill you?"

Rainn laughed. "You wouldn't do that."

"Why not?"

"I'm your brother. You wouldn't."

 

[JCM: Just like you wouldn't kill her because she's your si-wait a minute.]

"I would. You'd kill me. Why shouldn't I kill you?"

"You'd want to kill me. You want to right now. But you couldn't follow through with it. In that way, you're weak, little sister. And that's why you'll lose this fight." And then he was gone.

 

[Jjs: So instead of killing her or elaborating on that "twist" from earlier...nothing happens. Pointless Scene #4!]

[Wumbo: “I’m going to kill you… except not right now, because… fuck it, suspense, I guess? Also, my mochaccinno’s getting cold. Later!”]

~~~

Brenda was convulsing and writhing on the ground in agony. She screamed in pain as Hersht watched, feeling about as pained as her. He didn't like doing this to her, but she begged for it. Literally, she did.

 

[JCM: Yes. We did see it happen, you know.]

 

He held her hand as she screamed.

 

[Jjs: Hehe, this could be my dirty mind, but if you take this scene out of context, it is kind of lulzy. I know, I'm a sick man...]

[Wumbo: You say lulzy, I say incredibly unsettling.]

~~~

Tori returned home with the milk to find a note from her father... well, not her father. It was from Astenias, but of course Tori didn't know that.

 

[JCM: OF COURSE.]

[Wumbo: WE CAN INFER, 70S. WE CAN INFER. God, stop spoon-feeding me the characters. They don’t even taste good.]

Tori,
Something needs to be taken care of at corporate headquarters. I've enjoyed living with you, but I have to go. Goodbye. See you soon.

Tori wondered why he would leave without calling her. Then he remembered, he was her father. Why wouldn't he? Money mattered. Family? Not so much.

 

[Wumbo: Dramatic irony at its whiniest, poutiest, and most full-on emo. Thanks, said no one ever.]

[Jjs: Astenias sure cleaned up after himself well. He must have taken all that time to wipe up the blood and take Mitchell's dead body away while Tori was out shopping for a conveniently long time.]

~~~

("Love Me Do" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed_2W_KO_zI ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[JCM: I love you don't.]

[Wumbo: Seriously, are we almost done here? I can’t take many more of these BOTDF songs. God damn it, 70s!]

Seth was packing up his things since he was moving in with Heather.

 

[Redundancy Department Officer: We're not going to post the phrase here. This one speaks for itself, since it is a phrase that is so redundant, it speaks for itself!]

"Isn't this rather sudden?" Heather asked him.

 

[Wumbo: This is from the grown woman banging her 17-year-old daughter’s friend. “Oh, let’s not rush things, my Statutory Rape Sweetheart!”]

"How?" he asked. "We love each other, and Morgan and Jake need a place to me.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: be

Also, why the hell is our font green? Oh, I hope the irritating one isn’t voicing us.]

[Wumbo’s Ego Police: Did you mean: hilarious]

 

They need our help, and in my world that's that."

 

[JCM: I wouldn't want to live in your world.]

"That's admirable, but..."

"Heather, we've been dating for like, six months."

"Exactly!" she said. "That's not that long!"

 

[Wumbo: “And neither is your sea-worm, if you catch my drift.”]

"It's long enough for me," Seth said. "Why isn't it long enough for me?

 

[JCM: Contradiction alert!]

[Wumbo: Oh 70s, please keep on writing my dick jokes for me. This is a goldmine, bro.]

 

You love me, don't you? Come on, just take a chance."

"I love you," Heather said. "And this is one of the reasons I do. You make me take risks like no one ever has." She kissed him.

 

[Wumbo: THE BAD SPIN-OFF TOUCHED ME AGAIN! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! SOMEONE CALL THE AUTHORITIES!]

[Pedophile Police Officer: We're gonna need backup for this one, Wumbo.]

[JCM: Yeah, there's not a lot of people you'd risk 40-to-life in prison for.]

"Really? You want to do this?"

"Yes," she said. "Now let's get packed up before I change my mind."

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #5! Sorry guys, I got nothing for this one, I promise I'll have more next scene.]

~~~

("Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SosaWJYdEg ] plays throughout the scene)

Mikayla got up. "Well, I need to be getting home."

"We should do this again sometime," Naomi said. "You're fun to hang out with."

 

[JCM: And neither of you are fun to listen to.]

"Thanks, you too. You really helped me out today, Naomi. So... thank you. Really, thank you so much."

And with that, she left.

 

[Jjs: ...Never mind, Pointless Scene #6!]

~~~

Molly zapped herself in Anna's room in a frenzy.

 

[Jjs: Molly turned into lightning again and caught Past!SOF's fetish for prepositions, awesome.]

"Anna, we're leaving."

Anna jumped. "Holy crap." She caught her breath. "What? Where are we going?"

"New York City."

 

[JCM: *singing* Start spreadin' the news! Unless it's to Rainn!]

"You mean New Kelp City?"

"No."

 

[Jjs: Of course! Let's just have the shark jump out of water since this spin-off screwed logic too long ago. Maybe they can see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles there. Hey, he could pull it out of his ass with everything in this so far.]

~~~

("All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ98qac2UIM ] plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Wumbo: Finally, the end. I think if I had to hear one more of those BOTDF songs, I’d go ballistic. But hey, it could be worse. 70s could have tried to do a Beatles tribute or something. God, what a freak show that would be. Awesome and failure coming together like you’ve never seen before. Good thing he didn’t do that, right guys? Guys?]

Hersht starts to cry as he sees Brenda go through the ins and outs of turning into a vampire... the pain. He wishes he would have warned her about the pain of turning.

 

[JCM: So, why didn't you?]

[Wumbo: She’s pushed a coupla babies out her coochie, I think she understands pain.]

Jake and Morgan pack up their things and leave Tori's house, remembering to say goodbye to Tori.

Tori becomes upset when she realizes that in a few months she will be all alone.

 

[Jjs: I guess Larry will never be brought up again.]

Astenias arrives back at his home, and feeling a slight twinge of humanity... he buries Mitchell's body instead of burning it.

 

[Mitchell’s Ghost: “I ASKED TO BE CREMATED IN MY WILL! DAMN YOU, ASTENIAS! DAMN YOOOOUUUUU”]

[Jjs: Astenias cleaned up after himself and he buried the body. Maybe he is the good guy.]

Molly casts a spell on Anna's mother Helen so she won't realize her daughter is gone.

 

[Jjs: "Now where did Anna go...oh, she's probably just doing that Jex shit the teenagers today love."]

Seth and Heather kiss once they are both at their home.

Naomi adds Mikayla's number to her speed dial.

Glinda cleans her cauldron.

 

[Wumbo: Thrilling?]

[JCM: I'm on the edge of my seat!]

[billy Mays: Billy Mays here! You need your cauldron cleaned? Try Witch Cauldron Clean, for only $3.99! (RIP)]

Bryan slowly returns to his normal state and says, "What. The. Fuck?"

 

[Jjs: My reaction to this episode.]

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP
All by The Beatles
"Yesterday"
"Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds"
"Help!"
"Eight Days a Week"
"A Hard Day's Night"
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
"I Am the Walrus"
"Why Don't We Do It In the Road?"
"I'm Only Sleeping"
"Let It Be"
"Come Together"
"Hold Me Tight"
"Love Me Do"
"Here Comes the Sun"
"All You Need is Love"

---

That's the hardest I've ever worked on an episode of this show, and I think it shows. 

 

[JCM: It doesn't.]

Reviews appreciated.

 

[Jjs: The hardest? It showed, and sadly not in a good way. No LSD references either? This episode really sucked sea-worms.]

[Wumbo: Yes, the blood, sweat, and tears show in this one. Unfortunately, the blood is infected with HIV, the sweat is dripping from the ballsack of Danny DeVito, and the tears are my own, crying at what an awful episode this was. You should be ashamed, 70s. Ashamed and forgotten. Just like Temperance’s death probably will be by next episode. Seeya guys then!

 

That’s the hardest I’ve ever worked on a riffing of this show, and I think it shows. Reviews appreciated.]

 

Edited April 8, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

70s should just play something like this throughout his episodes...

 

 

It suits the thing better than the Beatles, don't you think?

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

31. Express Yourself

32. Pray For You

33. Under My Bed

34. The Chosen

 

35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots:

 

Spoiler

S2E15 (35)- Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots: 

 

[Wumbo: 35 pages, huh? Okay, spin-off. Recover from possibly the worst episode yet. Show me what you got.]

[sOF: Is this title not based on a song? THANK GOD.]

[Jjs: Well, whatever the fuck a "thewot" is, I am 99% sure it's not in any song titles I know of. So it looks like we're safe...until the next episode probably.]

 

Previously on Bikini Top... Everything changed. Like, everything.

 

[Jjs: Then everything changed when the bad writing attacked!]

[Metal Snake: Where did all these holes in the story come from?! I DON’T LIKE CHANGE!]

[sOF: “I’ll explain everything so you don’t have to go back to reading it.” I can't blame him though, I wouldn't want to reread it either.]

[Wumbo: And it was a mistake for me to think that the changes would make the spin-off better. Oh well. Live and learn.]

 

I'll go through this as quickly as I can.

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah right.]

[Wumbo: Yes, if there’s one thing I respect about this spin-off, it’s brevity. *smirk*]

[William: Please make it short this time - If I hear another long recap, I don't know WHAT I'll do.]

 

Everyone attends Temperance's funeral, and everyone is hit pretty hard by her death, but Mikayla and Naomi are hit especially hard. The two begin to bond, and form a friendship. Meanwhile, Jake, Morgan, Heather, and Seth change their living arrangements: Seth moves in with Heather and Jake and Morgan move into Seth's former apartment. Even more... Brenda had met Hersht, and he promised to turn her into a vampire... and he does. He feels bad when he has to witness her experience the intense pain turning ensues. Astenias is tired of waiting for Mitchell to bring him Bryan... and, wow. Complicated shit right there.

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah, killing Mitchell was a pretty complex procedure.]

[sOF: Thanks 70s, a recap of another episode that I am glad I missed.]

 

Bryan's can turn into a tree now,

 

[sOF: And when I say "I am glad I missed", I really do mean I am glad I missed it.]

[Metal Snake: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Bryan can turn into a...WHAT?!]

[Wumbo: Oh, so there are multiple Bryans in this spin-off. And they can all turn into trees? What a marvelous plot development!]

 

and he's this guy called The Chosen that's supposed to kill vampires... but he doesn't know that; and Astenias killed Mitchell, Zoey, and Zack. And...

 

[William: 70s - King of Ellipses.]

[Jjs: I need to make a medication for 70s' Dash and Ellipses obsession.]

 

Molly is fighting with Rainn, who reveals to readers

 

[Metal Snake: Heh heh, reveals to readers? Just...readers? So everyone who reads anything knows about this shit?]

[sOF: It reveals everything about how this spin-off is a piece of shit.]

 

that he is mad at her because she killed their parents, and Rainn says he is going to kill her and Anna.

 

[Wumbo: Rainn confirmed for Fred Phelps.]

 

Molly later goes to get Anna, and tells her the two of them are going to New York City (not New Kelp City)!

 

[sOF: Thanks for the info, 70s. I forgot that this spin-off was underwater, so it’s important to distinguish between the two worlds.]

[William: ...well, I was right. I didn't know what I'll do.]

 

It was April 11th. The day after Bryan had turned into a tree. After it had happened, he had ran to the woods. He was a freak and he knew it, so he just ran to the woods.

 

[sOF: Only a day’s time skip? Wow, it looks like even 70s is getting tired of them.]

[Metal Snake: April 11th. Magic and sloppy writing have taken over my body. Somehow...I’m still alive…]

[Wumbo: But everyone’s a freak in this spin-off! You’re one of the more normal ones actually, Bryan.]

[William: Redundancy of Redundancy Department, I would like to file a complaint because this sentence is rather redundant, which makes me want to file a complaint.]

 

Since then, he had been trying and trying to make it happen again. And for seconds at a time he could sprout leaves, but they quickly seeped back into his body, causing him to grow discouraged.

 

[Metal Snake: Discouraged that he can’t become a tree again? I thought he was frightened that he was a “freak”, did he gain a transformation fetish out of nowhere?]

[Wumbo: Eh, why not? It’d hardly be the weirdest fetish on this show.]

[William: Grow discouraged, like a tree.]

 

That morning, he decided to go back to Zoey and Zack's house. The two of them must have been worried sick about him. Then, when he arrives at what used to be their home, there is only a pile of ash.

 

[Metal Snake: Okay, I’m pretty sure that when homes burn down, they leave behind more than just “a pile of ash”. Yeah, debris, burnt boards, and if you’re lucky, a chair to sit on before it starts to rain.]

 

He thinks.

 

[Jjs: 

]

 

Zoey and Zack could have made it out. They must have. Then he faced the reality of this situation... they were dead.

 

[William: Well aren't you a bright detective.]

[Metal Snake: Even though there’s no trace of their bodies? What, are they part of this strangely organized pile of ash as well? Cremation isn’t that simple…]

 

It wasn't the optimistic way of looking at things, but it was true and he knew it.

 

[Metal Snake: There’s no proof or even solid evidence, it’s just true because I know it, duh huh huh.]

[Wumbo: No, really? And here I thought death was an optimistic way of looking at things. Thanks, 70s! Once again, No Reader Left Behind!]

 

He decided to go to the place where all of this craziness started... Glinda the Good Witch's Ware.

 

[Metal Snake: Lies, the craziness started a lot sooner than that...a LOT sooner…]

[Wumbo: The place where all the magic happens… literally, magic happens. It’s run by a damn witch, you see.]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs:

]

[Wumbo: Oh good, no more Blood on the Dance Floor music.]

 

"Jake, this is amazing," Morgan said, standing in their new apartment.

 

"Living in our own apartment together.... It feels so... grown up!"

 

"It is grown up, Mor," Jake said.

 

[Metal Snake: Heh heh...let’s stop with the name abbreviations, Ja? I mean, ja.]

[sOF: Hee hee, Mor. But seriously, this is getting tedious already, and we’ve just started.]

 

"Oh my, God!" said Morgan.

 

[Metal Snake: Oh my, Gods over there!]

[Wumbo: What, does Christopher Walken voice Morgan now?]

[William: God has come to take this annoying scene away from us, that's what.]

 

"We get to buy furniture for our new apartment. Furniture. Who'd've thought I would be excited to buy furniture? Well guess what? I am. I'm so excited."

 

[Metal Snake: Well guess what? I’m excited to call the Redundancy Police.]

[sOF: *cue Redundancy Department line here*]

[Redundancy Department Officer: Calvin Reynolds is in for a long sentencing when this episode is over, and by that, we really do mean a long life in prison for his redundancy.]

 

"You're amazing," Jake said to her. He pulled her close.

 

"So are you," said Morgan. "So, about that furniture."

 

[sOF: OK WE GET IT. Sheesh, I'd rather have more jex scenes at this point.]

[Metal Snake: We get it, you like furniture. Either explain why you like it or stop bringing it up because you’re coming off as a troll now.]

[Morgan: It’s just so EXCITING! What? You’d be excited about little things too if you lived in this spin-off’s world.]

 

~~~

 

("Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse [

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: I am not a-Mused.]

 

Anna and Molly were at Molly's house. Molly had been uttering a spell for hours.

 

[William: Was it the Elder Swear? I bet it was the Elder Swear.]

[Wumbo: Never mind that. Uttering a spell for hours? What, did she pick one from 70’s Book of Unnecessarily Redundant Spells?]

 

Anna was watching TV,

 

[Metal Snake: Watching TV for hours? Does this girl have a life? If you got that much free time to kill in the house, why don’t you read a book, do the dishes, fudge, even play a video game.]

 

trying her hardest to pay no attention to her girlfriend, who had said that they were going above the surface to New York City and then put a spell on her mother so she wouldn't even know she was gone.

 

[Metal Snake: Keep on running, running, running on run-on.]

[Wumbo: Pay no attention to that character behind the plot!]

[sOF: Exposition, right. Also is this a spin-off or lit? Seems kind of like a mixed bag here..]

 

Suddenly, Anna started shivering. A strange sensation was taking over her body. She felt her gills vanish, then she and Molly started going up, up, up...

 

[Metal Snake: AND AWAY FROM THIS SHOW!]

[Wumbo: Good, now maybe they’ll get eaten by seagulls and put out of their misery.]

 

then they zapped up into an apartment unfamiliar to Anna.

 

[sOF: Up, up, up… and to the apartment, apparently!]

 

Molly put her... HAND...

 

[Metal Snake: ...I forgot to say “fin”...DUN DUN DUN.]

[Wumbo: I wonder if I… EMPHASIZED… the word… HAND… enough. My readers are obviously too stupid to figure it out, so I’d better use a larger font.]

[William: I put my... HAND... up to my face.]

[Jjs: *gives Molly a....HAND...shake...*]

 

onto a coffee table in order to prop herself up. She was very obviously weak.

 

[Metal Snake: As opposed to being “slightly inconspicuously strong”?]

[Wumbo: She’s really most sincerely dead.]

 

She panted.

 

Anna examined both of them.

 

[Jjs: Great, we're not even more than two minutes on land, and now 70s is writing a lesbian sex scene.]

[Metal Snake: Anna is a detective all of a sudden. And both of what?]

 

They were both clearly human.

 

[sOF: No way, I thought they were still fish.]

[Jjs: Oh, you mean that wasn't a lesbian sex scene? Just 70s being his vague old self to build "suspense" to the "reveal" that they are humans? Uh...ignore that then.]

[Metal Snake: Oh, I see 70s meant “herself and Molly” by “both of them”. I wonder if Ace Detective Anna would be able to crack the case of these vague descriptions.]

[Wumbo: You know, no matter how often we insult 70s, it’s nothing compared to the amount of times 70s insults his readers. I mean, seriously. WE CAN FUCKING FIGURE THAT OUT.]

 

She gasped. They were above water. They were breathing real air.

 

[William: Which is different from the fake air 70s used underwater.]

 

She had only heard stories about above the water... it was surreal.

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah, being above the water is a real acid trip man. There’s houses, and cars, and this blue stuff you can see when you look up. Nothing like in Bikini Bottom…]

 

"Molly, what the hell?" she said. "Where are we? What's going on? Molly, talk to me!"

 

"This is my apartment," Molly said, and then she fainted.

 

[sOF: Okay… I totally lost it, what was that? I mean they’re zapped above water, become human beings and Molly just faints without explanation? How rude.]

[Wumbo: OH NO, SHE STILL HAS GILLS!]

[William: And finally, Bikini Top actually takes place where it was always meant to be - NOT UNDERWATER.]

[Jjs: I think by this point the show has jumped the shark so much that it got digested into the dark abyss of a shark, to shit out whatever is going on now.]

 

~~~

 

Brenda was breathing heavily, still in the forest with Hersht.

 

[Metal Snake: I guess asthma is one of the symptoms of the vampire infection.]

[Wumbo: And here I thought it was hot vampire sex. By “hot”, I mean my expectations get lowered with every Seth and Heather scene, so I would consider any other sex “hot”.]

 

"It's almost over," Hersht said. "I swear."

 

She screamed.

 

[William: I know, right? I would scream too if I had to be a part of this arc.] 

 

Hersht was hurt by her screaming. He hated knowing that he caused someone else this pain.

 

[Metal Snake: Sure, Mr. I Threw a Boulder at a Fish Then Killed a Police Officer and Enjoyed Killing a Sea Monster for Fun.]

 

He swore he would never hurt anyone as a vampire. He'd promised himself he wouldn't.

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah, little late for that seeing as you threw that out the window a LONG time ago. *points to my previous line*]

 

Brenda screamed again, and he winced.

 

[Wumbo: “This is going to hurt the most…” God, this really is ATTWL 3, isn’t it? Cruse you, 70s! CRUSE YOUUUU]

 

He wished there was something he could do about Brenda's pain. It would be going on for at least a few more hours and there was pretty much nothing he could do to pretend it.

 

[Jjs: Okay, is Brenda giving birth or turning into a vampire? If it is the latter, I'm pretty sure it doesn't take this long.]

[Metal Snake: Pretend it? Well sure he can’t pretend it if it’s really happening. No substitute for the real thing.]

[Wumbo: You know Hersht, you could at least spare us from the pain of reading your wholly redundant internal monologue.]

 

He just held onto her fin tightly, not wanting to let go.

 

Not wanting to let go.

 

[Metal Snake: A redundant fragment really helps the mood of this scene.]

[Wumbo: Helps the mood of this scene.]

 

He gulped.

 

~~~

 

Jackie groaned.

 

[Metal Snake: I can understand why…]

[sOF: And so do I…]

 

"My life is boring," she said. "I'm a boring, disposable character. I mean person. I mean fish. And another thing--"

 

[sOF: ...What the?]

[Metal Snake: Wait...huh?]

[Wumbo: Is the spin-off malfunctioning?]

[Jjs: Did 70s finally break down?]

 

And then Jackie's scene ended for the sake of time, because she's Jackie, so who cares?

 

[Metal Snake: ……..WHAT?!

 

First of all, what was the point of this scene? Was this supposed to be comic relief? Even comic relief has to contribute to the story!

 

Second, “sake of time”? Even with Jjs’ scene timer theory now canon, this was BY FAR the shortest scene in the show up until now!

 

And last of all, that fourth wall joke was forced in and fell flat on its face! I’m glad the question “Who cares?” was put here, because seriously, WHO CARES?! Jackie bemoans her boring self and gets cut off because we don’t want to hear her piss and moan, how is that funny?! My goshes, I feel a little bad now for getting on SOF so much for all the useless filler and forced in fourth wall jokes in his works…]

[sOF: No offense taken, Metal Snake. You nailed it.]

[Wumbo: Oh, I get it now. 70s thinks he’s funny. Somebody please read to him the entirety of this spin-off up to this point so we can watch his theory fly right out the window, please.]

[William: what is --- i don't --- oh my god

 

Anyway, Metal Snake hit the nail on the head there, as always. This scene made no sense whatsoever, and 70s should be even more ashamed of himself that he's been before. Which is probably not at all.]

[Jjs: I got nothing, Metal Snake nailed it. I thought 70s loved writing for Jackie though, I mean after he kept breaking her up with Jake...having to take care of Charlea....getting together with Bryan...

 

...You know what? Maybe it's for the best he didn't write anything. Not writing anything is less painful than what he would've written.]

 

~~~

 

Seth and Heather were out, and they passed Kay Jeweler's while driving in the boatmobile.

 

[Wumbo: Oh, how I wish 70s cared little enough about THESE two to pass them over.]

 

"Every kiss begins with Kay," Seth said.

 

[Metal Snake: You know you’re not reading a good story when you’re enjoying the quotes from store slogans more than the actual dialogue.]

[Wumbo: Uh… yeah, that’s a first. Product placement in a spin-off. Makes me want to take a break from riffing, and relax with an ice cold Nestea. Take the plunge. *wink*]

[Jjs: I'm just disappointed 70s couldn't think of a pun for Kay Jewler's, like MantaRAY Jewler's....haha, get it? Oh come on, it would've at least ruined an emotional Seth and Heather scene.]

 

The tone in his voice made Heather think.

 

[Wumbo: That bastard didn’t whore out to Kay Jewelers with the right inflection! He’ll never work again in this town.]

 

Their relationship was getting serious. Was Seth going to propose? When would he do so? Was she ready to be married again? How would Seth go about doing it? How much money would he spend?

 

[Heather’s Mind: Why am I asking YOU all these questions?!]

 

Feeling selfish, she pretended she hadn't thought that last thing.

 

She laughed awkwardly.

 

[Wumbo: Everything is awkward about this creepy romance.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan walked right into Glinda the Good Witch's Ware, indignant and wanting answers.

 

[Metal Snake: Interrogation: Bryan Style.]

 

"I know you did something," he said to Glinda. "Why the hell did I turn into a tree? What did you do?"

 

Glinda hushed him. "Calm down."

 

"Don't you dare tell me to calm down!" he fumed.

 

[Metal Snake: That’s right, talk rudely to a witch. Hope you enjoy catching flies for a while. Or in this case, enjoy squirrels running on you for a while.]

 

"You're lucky the store is empty," Glinda said coolly. "Now, calm down and I will try to explain to you what I did. But you must calm down first.

 

[sOF: Redundancy Count: 4]

[Metal Snake: “Now, calm down. But calm down.” Lolwut, the redundancy’s killing me.]

[William: Yes, Bryan. Calm down. Do you know how many times she said "calm down" to get you to calm down? You really should calm down.]

 

I won't bother explaining if you're all worked up."

 

[Wumbo: OH MY FUCKING GOD STOP WITH THE REDUNDANCY!]

[Redundancy Department Officer: The department was so exhausted from all the phone calls we are getting for this episode that we're not doing our typical redundant phrase, but instead saying other phrases to take the place of that redundant phrase, with new phrases.]

 

"Fine..." Bryan said. He took a deep breath. "Now... what did you do to me? Why did you do it? Who burned down my house this time?"

 

[sOF: Hey, I remember last season when Bryan’s house was on fire for no real reason… callbacks to the boring, but better first season? I’m all for it.]

[Metal Snake: You turned me into a tree! Therefore, you’re in league with an arsonist!]

 

"Burned down your house?"

 

"Yep," Bryan confirmed. "House, burnt down. Again. I have a feeling you know about it burning down last year, since you knew my name when I walked in yesteday.

 

[Metal Snake: You knew what my name was! Therefore, you know that my house burnt down last year!]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: yesterday]

 

I'm starting to remember things, you know. Like I remember you knocking me out."

 

"I knew I couldn't make the Chosen forget too long..." said Glinda.

 

[William: Stare longingly off into the sunset while you're at it, why don't you? Because you sure do love trailing-off sentences.]

 

"I remember that, too," Bryan proclaimed. "What's that mean? The Chosen? You referred to me as the Chosen."

 

[Metal Snake: We get it Bryan, you like memory games. Ironically, you’ve forgotten that we have a plot to move along.]

 

Glinda tried to find words. "Vampires are real. All that mythical stuff is. Well, not ALL. A lot of it."

 

[sOF: Are underwater vampires real? And do they operate on the same logic as above-water vampires? Because if not, it would explain a lot.]

[Metal Snake: Oh, I get it. Everything mythical is real besides King Neptune. That’s why he’s not in this show. Sorry Neptune.]

[Wumbo: “Bigfoot’s complete bullshit, for starters.”]

[William: Season Minus Three of Bikini Top: ATTACK OF THE SLENDER MAN]

 

"What?"

 

"You heard me," she said. "Now, in every generation, there is someone called the Chosen. The Chosen is supposed to kill vampires. They're given great strength, agility, and wit. You are the Chosen."

 

[sOF: Great, The Chosen One cliché. How many other cliches will 70s use? Might as well have Bryan fight Astenias in some epic duel to the death with corny pop music playing in the background.]

[William: I'm not seeing any "wit" here.]

[Jjs: Okay so Bryan's parents died, Bryan is the chosen one yada yada yada. But can I ask something? Something I've been wanting to ask for a while and that I feel has been glossed over? What exactly is our big bad guy Astenias' goal? Yeah...bet you are scratching your heads over that. All he does is shout "BRING ME BRYAN ERRIN!" and kills people for the eviluz, but...does he have any real goals? I mean, we're 35 episodes in and I'm not sure what his main goal is. Is he just dicking around and trolling people in Bikini Top? I don't even care if his goal is the cliché world domination, I at least want some explanation on what he is doing, if 70s ever gives us one, which he probably won't.]

 

Bryan gasped and said, "What the hell?" under his breath.

 

[Metal Snake: I love how he still finds this shit surprising even after he TURNED INTO A FREAKING TREE.]

 

"Now... you were a late bloomer," Glinda said.

 

[Metal Snake: *chuckles* No kidding.]

[Wumbo: Living in Bikini Top will do that to a guy.]

 

"Your abilites, they were taking a while to form

 

[Wumbo: “Your abilities, as well.”]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: abilities]

 

and one of the original vampires, Astenias, is after you. He wants to kill you. Another, good vampire, Katniss, told me of you.

 

[sOF: Wow, he wants to kill Bryan. I’d be shocked if this wasn’t already explained to me. Also, if I cared about Bryan.]

[Jjs: Well...I got my answer sooner than I expected. His goal is...to kill Bryan Errin. WHAT A TWIST! I'd rather have taken world domination at this point.]

[Metal Snake: *Muscleman voice* MORE LIKE CAT PISS.

 

...Seriously though, what kind of name is that?]

[Wumbo: Is this… a Hunger Games reference? Let’s count the things wrong with that, shall we?

1. The Hunger Games are well-written books, and therefore do not belong in this spin-off.

2. Katniss is not a vampire.

3. You could have picked any name for this character, but instead you decided to whore out to a popular book series.

4. GOD DAMN IT MAN HAVE YOU NO SHAME]

 

She told me you were coming to WaterFalls, and that I had to do something to prepare you for Astenias."

 

"And what did you do?"

 

"I turned you into a thewot."

 

[William: The what?]

[sOF: Yeah...I got nothing. Wut?]

[Metal Snake: http://www.youtube.com/user/thewot

 

Bryan is now a computer animator, sweet.]

[Wumbo: Well, that’s a step up from the Smoothie Shack, I must say.]

 

"And what's that?"

 

"You can turn into a tree."

 

"Oh yeah? And what good does that do me? Why couldn't you do some sort of spell that would make my ability-balls drop faster?

 

[Jjs: Implying Bryan has any sort of balls to begin with.]

[Metal Snake: Ouch, that joke hurt. Doesn’t sound right even though I know what it means. “Ability-balls” sounds like an item from a video game.]

[Wumbo: …“Ability-balls”? Does 70s know how stupid that sounds? Does he? Because if so, why did he put it in this spin-off? To induce cringing across SBC? Is that it, 70s? Is that your plan? Because if so, mission fuckin’ accomplished.]

 

Why make me a goddamn tree? What good does that do me?"

 

[Metal Snake: Now make me some goddamn tea!]

[sOF: Or make me a goddamn sandwich.]

[Wumbo: It’s not really about the good it does you, Bryan, but rather the good it does others. For example, trees don’t talk, which provides a huge service to readers everywhere.]

 

"It was the best I could do on short notice. Until your abilities come, it will protect you from Astenias. You can turn into a tree when you are in danger."

 

[Jjs: Tree Man is here to save the day!....by just...sitting there.]

[sOF: Really? Is that the best you can do?]

[Metal Snake: I can just imagine…

 

Astenias: Get ready to die, Bryan! *readies axe*

Bryan: I don’t think so! *turns into tree*

Astenias: …

Bryan: OW! OW! OW! *writhes in pain as Astenias starts chopping him*]

[sOF: Yeah… somehow, that seems like a bad plan.]

[William: Can't forget this classic.

 

Woman: Someone help me, I'm being robbed!

Bryan: I'll save you! TREE POWERS ACTIVATE.

*turns into tree*

...

...

(IT HAD TO BE DONE DON'T KILL ME.)]

 

"I can't do it on command though."

 

"Oh, you can. Just not yet. The ability to do it on command will come, I promise you. You just have to give it time.

 

[Metal Snake: IT JUST TAKES SOME TIME!]

[Wumbo: “Once your ability-balls drop, of course! Yep, that sounded as stupid coming out of my mouth as it did yours.”]

 

But for now, all I can do is continue looking in all my spell books for a way to make your abilities arrive, and offer you a place to stay."

 

"A place to stay? I'm not staying here! I'm graduating in a couple of months."

 

[Jjs: If Bryan has moved towns, wouldn't he have missed a lot of school work, or even taken off the school roster (I'm pretty sure he's not on vacation)? Good luck making all that up pal.]

 

"High school? There's no time for high school."

 

[Metal Snake: There’s no time to dawdle with education!]

[William: "Do you think this is the first season? We're talking about VAMPIRES and NEW YORK and PEDOPHILIAC RELATIONSHIPS here!"]

 

"Oh, yes there is," said Bryan. "I'm going back to Bikini Top, and you can't stop me."

 

"I beg to differ," Glinda said. She quickly said a spell, and Bryan couldn't get the door open.

 

[Metal Snake: Geez, is there anything these witches don’t have a spell for?]

[Wumbo: Somebody tell Glinda that there are locks for that sort of thing.]

[sOF: Nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide!]

[William: The Elder Swear must be really powerful.]

 

"Please, let me go home," Bryan pleaded.

 

"I can't. I have to be with you so I can protect you," Glinda said. "I'm your Protector."

 

"Protector? What?"

 

[sOF: *facepalm* Gee, it's not like "PROTECT" defines the word for you.]

[Metal Snake: Good night Bryan, is “protector’s” definition (one who protects) that difficult to comprehend?]

 

"It's pretty self-explanitory,

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: self-explanatory]

 

don't you think? I have to protect you, train you, even. Going to Bikini Top isn't safe.

 

[William: When was it ever safe to begin with?]

 

It's crawling with vampires,

 

[Metal Snake: And now the entire city is infested with vampires? Is this Resident Evil: Vampire Edition now?]

[Wumbo: Never mind that! It’s crawling with angsty teenagers! AAAAAH!]

 

and at least one of the Morrigans is there."

 

"Morrigans?" Bryan asked.

 

"Yes, the Morrigans. Molly, Rainn, and Kara."

 

[Metal Snake: Kara? Cool, now the Three Stooges are together.]

[Wumbo: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!]

[Jjs: Aha, so that is why they want to kill each other! Of course we don't know on Kara yet, but I wouldn't be surprised.]

 

"Did you just say Molly? Molly Morrigan?"

 

"Yes," Glinda said. And she explained what Molly was to Bryan.

 

"She's one of my friends," Bryan said. "She's one of my best friend's girlfriend."

 

[Jjs: Wow, so Bryan finally finds out through eight words, and has no reaction to it whatsoever. I'm glad people take things so well in this spin-off.]

[Metal Snake: MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL!]

[Wumbo: SHE USED TO BE MIIINE… before I converted her to lesbianism, I guess. God, why won’t my ability-balls drop?

…No, third time is not a charm with that ridiculous word.]

 

"I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. Molly won't hurt her," Glinda said. "Rainn and Kara, though..."

 

[Anna: YYYYYAAAAA- *gets her head sliced off by Rainn and Kara*

Glinda: ...Could be a problem.]

 

~~~

 

Anna stroked Molly's hair. "Come on, get up..." she said.

 

[Metal Snake: Ya lazeh bum.]

 

When Molly did not get up, Anna looked around the apartment. She noticed it was incredibly lavish and beautiful. This made her think: Where did Molly get the money for an apartment like this in New York City? Where did Molly get money at all?

 

[Metal Snake: *yawns* She has some kind of magic spell for it, like she does with everything else...Gods, seeing characters being OP is really boring…]

[sOF: This whole scene is boring.]

 

Anna didn't like thinking about this, but she continued. Did she steal the money? Could she just make it appear whenever it was needed? Once again... did she steal it?

 

[Metal Snake: *yawns* Seeing characters being stupid and asking pointless questions for exposition’s sake is really boring…]

[William: Especially when they're pointless questions that never get answered.]

[Wumbo: I swear to God, 70s, your stupid redundancies are going to give me stress-related heart failure one of these days.]

 

The question kept popping up, and she shoved it to the back of her mind, not wanting to think about it any longer. It was much too unpleasant to consider.

 

[Metal Snake: Just like the thought of this spin-off becoming #1...oh wait.]

[Wumbo: I suppose this spin-off is like that soda-drinking hat in One Krab’s Trash: #1, but actually completely worthless.]

[William: Unlike that hat, I wouldn't pay a single cent for this spin-off.]

 

She walked around the apartment, exploring it further. She looked in the refrigerator to find it stocked with food. Above-the-water food. It appeared Molly came here fairly often, as all of the food was fresh. Anna nearly vomited when she saw haddock and tartar sauce in the refrigerator.

 

[Ace Detective Anna: Ah, yes, I can see...fish products and condiments...both of which have been recently stored in this modern icebox. It has been elegantly revealed to me that my fair love Molly is guilty of the reviled act of cannibalism.]

[Wumbo: Once again, hardly the most disgusting thing in this spin-off. Actually, it’s kinda funny.]

 

"Repulsive," she said.

 

[Ace Detective Anna: Oh yes, and it is quite a grotesque portrait of one’s criminal nature.]

[Wumbo: But of course, if there’s any funny in this spin-off, it has to be killed off by redundancy. Thanks again again again again again FUCKING AGAIN, 70s!]

 

After her lunch, she was worn out. She decided to go take a nap. She found a large, comfy king-sized bed that she sank right into. She was loving this.

 

[Metal Snake: So Anna suspects Molly of being a thief, investigates, discovers that this apartment is basically Molly’s summer house and that she’s a “cannibal”...and it builds to her eating and sleeping. How exciting. Stay tuned folks, for more adventures in “An Ordinary Day in the Life of Ace Detective Anna”!]

[Padding Police Chief: I think we're going to retire from the force soon just like the Who Gives a Damn Police did...]

 

~~~

 

Naomi was going to see Trevor. Their relationship had been going so well lately, it was thrilling. This was the longest -- and best, most healthy -- relationship she had ever had the pleasure to be a part of.

 

[Metal Snake: That was the weirdest -- and silliest, most dashy -- explanation I had ever had the pleasure to riff.]

 

She loved it. She loved him. Oh, she really loved him.

 

[Wumbo: Would anyone object to me standing in the corner and banging a hammer against my head repeatedly?]

[William: If you don't mind, I'll have a turn after you.]

 

She walked into his house... to see him making out with a girl on his couch.

 

[Metal Snake: *low trumpet sound* Wa wa wwwaaaaa.]

[Wumbo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g5Hz17C4is ]

 

She took off her high-heeled shoe and threw it at the girl.

 

[Jjs: Of course, 70s was bound to throw another wrench into Naomi and Trevor's relationship. I'm sure it'll stupidly resolve itself anyways though.]

[sOF: I hope so. We have enough pointless romances right now for me to remember.]

[Metal Snake:  ]

[Wumbo: …okay, enough of that scene, I guess… ha ha, she got hit with a shoe! Was I supposed to feel any emotion there?]

 

~~~

 

Seth and Heather arrived home. Seth noticed Heather acting strange, and he thought about why she might be acting the way she was.

 

[Metal Snake: DO I CREEP YOU OUT?!]

[Wumbo: *heavy breathing* Every kiss… begins with… Kay.]

[William: Maybe she's finally realized that having sex with a young boy twenty years younger than her is maybe a teensy bit weird.]

 

He remembered they passed Kay Jeweler's, and decided that must be the reason. She was thinking about marriage.

 

[Wumbo: Okay, back up a second.

 

I just realized something: THESE GUYS AREN’T ABOVE WATER. WHY IS THERE A KAY JEWELER’S UNDERWATER?]

 

He decided to have fun with this.

 

[Metal Snake: Have fun with her thinking about marriage? What is he, a mind-manipulator?]

[Wumbo: Again, my bar has been set so low by this couple that I welcome this. If it helps break them up, all the better, I’d say.]

 

~~~

 

"Jake, this couch is amazing!" Morgan said. "Can we get it?"

 

[sOF: OH MY GOD, WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY]

[Metal Snake: Stop obsessing over furniture…]

[Jjs: Yeah, enough of the furniture talk already. It's making me bored, tired, and wanting to sit on this nice new couch I got from Raymour & Flanigan. *grins awkwardly at the camera and winks*]

 

"Morgan, do you see how expensive that is? Do we really need it?"

 

"But your family is rich."

 

"I'm not though," said Jake. "Morgan, part of this whole living together thing... I sort of want to prove to my mother that I don't need her money."

 

[Metal Snake: I DON’T NEED HER CHARITY!]

 

"Was she giving you a hard time or something?"

 

"No, not exactly. But... I just need to do this.

 

[Metal Snake: Wow, Jake’s no better at explaining his odd obsessions than Morgan.]

 

So can we just please get a cheaper couch?"

 

"Can I use my mom's money?"

 

Jake sighed. "Fine."

 

[Metal Snake: So if you can’t mooch off your boyfriend’s parents, mooch off your own! Great lesson!]

 

"Love you," Morgan said.

 

[Wumbo: Awwww. Money and love. When do the two ever not go together?]

[William: Furniture, on the other hand...]

 

Jake was trying his hardest to act disappointed in her or mad at her, but he loved her way too much to be able to convincingly pull it off. He sighed. "I love you too."

 

[Jake *during an interview*: Yeah, I really wanted that scene to be about expressing my inner dark side to Morgan, but 70s didn’t like that direction. So we had to re-write it at the last minute. It wasn’t fun.]

 

~~~

 

Hersht was watching Brenda continue to shake and scream. He couldn't bring himself to leave.

 

[Wumbo: Well, I can. Seeya. *drives to next scene*]

[William: No, wait! WAIT FOR ME... *car drives off into the distance* Dammit Wumbo.]

 

She'd been doing it for a long time, and he did it to her.

 

[Metal Snake: He...did it to her?

 

Hersht *shaking Brenda*: STOP SCREAMING!!!]

[Jjs: Seriously, are we sure she's not giving birth here?]

 

Suddenly, Dora and Jordin were standing next to him.

 

"There you are," Jordin said.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, there you guys are. Were you in the Forgotten Character Zone with SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Charlea, Alex and Liam?]

 

"What the hell are you doing?" Dora yelled.

 

[Hersht: Just...doing a little jig. *does a little dance with a dizzy Brenda*]

[Hersht: Oh, you know, just... hanging around.

Brenda: *screaming* Booooooo.]

 

"I turned her," said Hersht. "I did this... I hurt her."

 

[sOF: I can only. Speak in three. Word sentences now.]

[Metal Snake: God, shut up! We get that you feel guilty! What’s the point of feeling bad now about doing something you were asked to do? Shoot, this is almost as annoying as ATTWL 3 70s’ “DIS HURTZ” crap!]

 

"Why did you do this? Jordin asked.

 

"Yeah, why?" Dora said in a much less friendly tone than her sister had used.

 

[Wumbo: Whoa, stand back. Dora’s using her less friendly tone.]

[Jjs: Maybe I forgot something (trust me, it is easy to do in this spin-off), but didn't Dora used to speak in poor grammar? I guess prison does change people for the better.]

[sOF: ‘”I want to know why as well, just to add to the redundancy.”]

 

"She begged me. She only had a few weeks left to live, and she has a family. And she saw me feeding, and... one thing led to another, okay?"

 

[sOF: Go home, 70s. You’re drunk.]

[Metal Snake: I got drunk at the bar and...one thing led to another, okay?]

[Wumbo: I was writing a spin-off, I decided to shake things up a bit, yada yada yada, Brenda’s becoming a vampire.]

 

"Her screams are very loud. Someone could -- and probably will -- notice soon if she doesn't stop," Jordin said delicately. "Hersht, if she doesn't stop soon, we might have to assume that this was a failed turning.

 

[Metal Snake: Failed...turning? Okay, under the impression that this “vampire infection” is caused by a virus, how can a virus fail to give you a disease if you have no immunity? What, is making her a vampire just one of the minor symptoms?!]

[sOF: I don’t trust 70s to know anything about vampires at this point. Let’s just chalk it up to research failure and call it a day.]

 

And you know what you have to do if that is the case."

 

"I'm not killing her."

 

[Metal Snake: ...Why kill her? I’m sure leaving her alive won’t matter if the city is “crawling with vampires”.]

 

"I will," said Dora. "If this is a failed turning, I'll kill her."

 

[Wumbo: So that’s why they put you in prison.]

 

Brenda seemed unaware of them all. She continued to scream, louder and louder.

 

[Wumbo: Ow, my freakin’ ears!]

[William: At least she can scream at 70s' bad writing.]

 

"Let go of her hand," said Dora.

 

[Metal Snake: And NOW 70s forgets to say “fin”. I’d love to see hand written in allcaps here too.]

[Wumbo: DON’T LET GO, HERSHT! NEVER LET GO! HERSHT? HERSHT?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nRnpLqgLh8

 

NO

 

HERSHT

 

 ]

[Elsa: LET IT GO, LET IT GOOOOO...]

 

"Why? I'm trying to comfort her."

 

"She has no clue anyone's here. That's how turning works," said Dora.

 

[Metal Snake: Transformation leads to the illusion of isolation? O...kay.]

[Wumbo: AND A LOT OF SCREAMING, APPARENTLY.]

[William: I'm forced to read everything Dora says in that gangster accent now. God dammit.]

 

"Then why's it matter anyways?" Hersht countered.

 

"We can't afford you getting feelings for a married woman. Especially one you turned into a vampire.

 

[Jjs: Hey, why not? 70s is bound to do a vampire romance anyways, might as well get it out of the way now.]

[William: Yeah, falling for a married woman? Eh, not that bad. Wait - she's now a vampire too? Oh HELL NO, you go to your room this INSTANT young man.]

 

Our lives are complicated enough trying to kill Astenias," Dora said.

 

[Metal Snake: Don’t overcomplicate the situation, man!]

 

She looked to Jordin for approval on the matter.

 

"I think I agree," Jordin said. "None of us can get distracted from our goal here, and that is to kill Astenias. Love would interrupt that."

 

[Metal Snake: PALS BEFORE GALS! Oh wait, I am a gal.]

[Wumbo: Also, we really don’t need another creepy romance on this spin-off.]

 

"I'm not falling in love with her," Hersht said. "I'm just trying to console her. I feel bad for doing this to her. It's so terrible."

 

[Wumbo: OKAYYYYY, OKAAAAAAAAY, OKKKKKKKKKAY, OOOOOOOOKAY, WE FUCKING GET IT]

 

"You said she begged you," said Jordin. "I don't blame you."

 

[Metal Snake: “I also don’t blame you for that time you took a hundred dollars from me to give to someone who begged you for it.”]

 

She glared at Dora.

 

Dora sighed. "Yeah, yeah.... I don't either."

 

Hersht nodded. "Thank you."

 

"No problem," said Jordin. "We're not just allies. We're friends."

 

[Metal Snake: We’re not just enemies. We’re nemeses.]

 

~~~

 

Naomi screamed. "What the fuck? What are you doing?"

 

[Wumbo: Oh good, back to this scene. Was there an elongated pause between the shoe-throwing and this or something? If so, I sure am glad 70s spared us from that boring filler and replaced it with… boring filler.]

 

"I-I..." Trevor stammered.

 

"You WHAT?" Naomi yelled.

 

[sOF: Hooray, bitch Naomi is back, oh and SpongeBob reference… ha ha? I got nothing.]

[Metal Snake: ...Possible Spongebob reference, ha ha?]

 

"Actually, I'll tell you what! You were ruining everything! You were making out with some random whore!"

 

[Metal Snake: Define “everything”, Naomi. You’re acting like the director of a movie yelling at an actor who said a line wrong.]

[Wumbo: Ding ding! We have a pointer out of the obvious.]

 

"Nay-Nay..."

 

[Wumbo: …Nay-Nay?]

[William: Yea-Yea.]

 

"Don't you DARE Nay-Nay me!" Naomi yelled.

 

[Wumbo: “Like you did all those other times that 70s neglected to bring up!”

…Seriously, “Nay-Nay”? And here I thought “Mor” was bad.]

 

She took off her other high-heel and threw it right at him. It hit him in the head.

 

[sOF: Good thing she was wearing two shoes today.]

[Metal Snake: “That’s what happens to the “Nay-naysayers in my audience!”]

[Wumbo: Ah yes, I was waiting for the other shoe to be thrown.]

 

"Bitch!" he yelled as it hit him.

 

[William: A dog? Where?] 

 

"You got that right, you bastard," Naomi said. She walked towards him and slapped him.

 

[Metal Snake: Woah, Naomi admitted that she was a bitch. Character Development, folks!]

 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" the random whore asked.

 

[Metal Snake: ...The random whore? Really? That’s what she’s known as now that Naomi called her that? I guess Naomi can now be known as “the bitch I can’t stand”.]

[sOF: Apparently whores are such low-lifes now that they don't even deserve a name!]

[Wumbo: Ah yes, slut-shaming. Let’s discourage probably the least objectionable sex scene in this spin-off. Great work, 70s.]

[Jjs: The Whore That Shan't Be Named.]

 

"I could ask you the same question," said Naomi. "You must have known he had a girlfriend. What the hell is wrong with YOU? Skank."

 

[Metal Snake: “You’re not telepathic? What the hell is wrong with YOU?” What.]

[Wumbo: Seriously, what is the logic with this guy? Continuous statutory rape is okay, but a girl having sex with a guy she most likely didn’t know had a girlfriend isn’t? 70s, please stay away from sex forever.]

 

"I don't need to take this..." said the random whore. She left, and threw Naomi's high-heel right back at her.

 

[Metal Snake: She threw it at her AFTER she left? So she doesn’t have telepathy, she has telekinesis. Cool.]

[William: Either that or she has a pretty good aim.]

 

"Neither do I," said Naomi. She glared at Trevor and left.

 

[Jjs: I guess we'll never get an answer of why Trevor dumped Naomi. Maybe he got tired of her bitchiness. In that case, I can't blame him.]

 

~~~

 

"If you really have to stay with me, can you at least come to Bikini Top?" Bryan asked. "You're welcome there. I really need to get back there, Glinda."

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! Why the fuck did you go to WaterFalls then? I know Mitchell "compelled" Bryan, but how long does his "compelling" even last? Actually...that raised a whole lot of new questions that I'm not going to try to comprehend.]

 

"No."

 

"Come on, you have feeling, don't you?

 

[Metal Snake: I FEEL I HAVE FEELING.]

[Wumbo: WHAT A FEELING, BEING’S BELIEVIN’]

[Jjs: I GOT A FEELING, THAT TONIGHT'S GONNA BE A GOOD NIGHT...

 

Oh wait, there are no good nights in this spin-off, or when riffing it.]

 

My friends are there, and I want to see them. Please."

 

"Fine," said Glinda.

 

"Really?"

 

"Really. We leave at dawn."

 

[Metal Snake: For they’ll be here at nightfall…]

 

"But what about my mother and step-father?"

 

"What about them? They're dead."

 

[Jjs: WHAT A TWIS-oh, we already know. Well gee, this would've been more surprising if 70s didn't outright tell us earlier. Thanks for the extra extra extra extra extra clarification.]

[Metal Snake: *EPIC GASP* Wait, INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Bryan told himself he “knew” they were dead! Does he have the five stages of grief mixed up, or something?]

[sOF: I got nothing. This scene was really pointless.]

 

~~~

 

Seth and Heather were sitting in the living room.

 

[Wumbo: ANOTHER Seth and Heather scene? Why? What’s the purpose of this one now? Please, enlighten me!]

 

Heather walked out of the room, and Seth immediately put his FishPod on its dock.

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah, that’ll keep it from going sailing.]

[Wumbo: Not that I would blame it if it chose to sail away from this terrible couple.]

 

Once she came back in, he started playing "Marry You" by Bruno Mars [

] incredibly loudly.

 

[Wumbo: Ugh, the statutory rape wasn’t enough, now they have to suffer through ear rape?]

[Guy In The Apartment Next Door: WOULD YOU TURN THAT SHIT OFF?!]

 

Heather laughed her awkward laugh again. "Why are you playing this song?"

 

[sOF: *awkward laugh*]

 

"Why not? It's a good song."

 

[Metal Snake: A good song that you’re ruining, more importantly.]

[William: Well, 70s obviously thinks it's a good song, which is really the only reason this scene (and many other scenes) exist.]

 

"Yeah..."

 

[Wumbo: HINT HINT. WINK WINK. NUDGE NUDGE. God damn it.] 

 

~~~

 

("Glamorous" by Fergie [

] plays throughout the scene_

 

Anna went over to Molly again, just to check if she might finally be awake.

 

[Wumbo: Is she dead? She’s dead, isn’t she?]

 

"Molly," she said lightly. Nothing.

 

[Metal Snake: *whispers* Molly. It’s time to wake up. You can hear me, right?]

 

She decided she was ready to go outside and explore her new setting. It was mindblowing.

 

[Wumbo:  ]

 

Big buildings, people in fancy clothes, and LOTS of people.

 

[Metal Snake: “There were buildings, people, and LOTS of people.” Redundancy!]

[sOF: Redundancy Count: 7! That's seven, seven redundancies!]

[Redundancy Department Officer: This guy really likes to throw in useless shit, so we're going to have to throw him into a cell with lots of useless shit, which is also a cell of redundancy.]

 

She checked the newsstand, and saw she was on the Upper East Side. She knew this was the richest part of New York City, and it showed.

 

Everything was glamorous.

 

[sOF: Do we really need to know about the city?]

[Metal Snake: Especially the crowds playing certain games such as pool, slot machines, etc.]

[Wumbo: Oh look, the title of the song. Clever, I guess?]

[William: And to think I actually tolerated Anna at one point. Just goes to show you - NOBODY is likable in Bikini Top, not even when they're on land.]

[Jjs: I really don't care 70s is going on land (as ridiculous as it is), but...does nobody exist above-land anymore? Molly and Anna doesn't seem to notice anybody. Do we have another ATTWL 3 scenario with just cardboard cutouts of people there? Maybe there's a parallel dimension with the ATTWL 3 Las Vegas and now the Bikini Top New York.]

 

~~~

 

A new day.

 

[Wumbo: A new sentence fragment.]

[William: Dawn of the Final Day: 24 Hours Remain]

 

Bryan and Glinda were at the WaterFalls airport, going to leave for Bikini Top.

 

"If the Morrigan is hurting anyone in Bikini Top, you have to kill her," Glinda said frankly.

 

[Metal Snake: “Don’t worry, it won’t be hard! The Supernatural Creature Assassin’s Starter Kit Jr. will walk you through everything!”]

 

"Oh..."

 

"I'm sure she's not, but if she is.... You're the Chosen."

 

[Metal Snake: So whether Bryan really is “the Chosen” or not actually comes down to whether Molly is killing people or not, nice.]

 

Bryan shuddered at the thought of killing Molly... or anyone.

 

[Jjs: So I guess Astenias will get a free pass even though he killed Bryan's parents, nice.]

 

~~~

 

"You're lucky she stopped the screaming," Dora said.

 

[Jjs: Yes we are. But seriously, Dora, Hersht, and Jordin must all have the patience of an Aztec Monk if they can listen to Brenda screaming for an apparently long time.]

 

Brenda was asleep. Her transformation was complete.

 

[Metal Snake: Wait, was that what was preventing her from transforming before? Her...screaming? I guess then if I just keep yelling while a witch is trying to turn me into a toad, I’ll be A-okay.]

 

"Yes," said Hersht. "Lucky I am."

 

[Wumbo: I am Sam. Sam I am. Do you like green eggs and ham?]

 

"What now?" Jordin said. "When she wakes up, what do we do?"

 

"We help her feed for the first time," Hersht explains. "And then we let her go home."

 

"We just let her go?" Dora asked. "What the hell? Are you crazy?"

 

[Just about everyone in this spin-off: YES.]

[Metal Snake: Little-ittle Brenda won’t...GO HOME!]

[Wumbo: This isn’t really a riff, but I just want to award points to MS for the Sweet reference.]

[William: How I read that: "We jus' leddah go? The hell you on? You cray-cray, boy?"]

 

"What?"

 

"You know how thirsty newborns are," Dora said. "We cannot just let her go home. She could kill someone. Scratch that, she probably will kill someone.

 

[Metal Snake: “Could” and “probably will” both mean “possibly”...The Redundancy Department is getting sick of this, I imagine…]

[sOF: Redundancy Count: 8]

[Redundancy Department Officer: We certainly are getting damn sick of this, because we're so tired of this redundancy, even from the redundant people like us!]

 

It has to be a few weeks."

 

"Weeks? She has a family, they'll think she's dead." Hersht shook his head.

 

[Jjs: Too bad already one of them is dead...say, why didn't you try saving Temperance from smashing her car into a tree? Temperance could've been more religious than before that God saved her...on second thought Hersht, good on you for not saving her. *pats on back*]

 

"Maybe you should have thought about that before turning her, Hersht," Dora said angrily.

 

"She's right. We can't risk letting her go off on her own right now, Hersht," said Jordin. "She'll have to stay with us, at least for a week."

 

[Metal Snake: “She’s not staying at my place, though. I hope you’ve got an extra bed, Dora.”]

 

"Way longer," said Dora.

 

"Dora, hush," Jordin told her.

 

"Fine, fine..." Dora said.

 

[Metal Snake: I like replying to everything with two identical words. It’s cool, cool.]

[William: Next scene, next scene.]

 

~~~

 

Morgan and Jake woke up.

 

"Wanna go shopping again today?" Morgan asked. "We could use some new carpet."

 

[sOF: AAAGH STOP WITH THE FURNITURE FETISH]

 

"Mor..."

 

[Metal Snake: Yes...MORE. MORE. MORE!]

 

"Jake, I'm sorry. It's just... it's not that I'm materialistic, but I do like having nice things.

 

[Wumbo: Morgan confirmed for Timmy’s Dad.]

[William: You're still pretty damn annoying nonetheless.]

 

Letting me use my money isn't using your mother's money, so it's okay."

 

[Metal Snake: “My money that I got from my mother!” Again, great lesson.]

 

"I suppose you're right," Jake said. "But I'm tired. Want to go alone?"

 

"That's fine," said Morgan.

 

Jake went back to sleep.

 

[Metal Snake: Guess Jake is Garfield now.]

[sOF: Pointless scene. *yawns*]

 

~~~

 

Naomi woke up, and she was still furious about Trevor cheating on her. She texted Mikayla about it.

 

Mikayla replied: "seriously? what a bastard"

 

Naomi replied: "ino, right? come over please"

 

[Metal Snake: 

 

Ino: No thanks, I’d have more fun hanging out with Sakura.]

 

Mikayla replied: "will do, girl"

 

[William replied: "why is this scene here"]

 

~~~

 

("Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UjsXo9l6I8 ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: Hmm, where might this scene be taking place? Why don’t you just go full obvious and play “New York, New York” by Frank Sinatra?]

[70s: Get it? Because it's New York? Get it?? GET IT??? Okay, good.]

 

Anna wakes up from the luxuriously comfortable bed, and checks to see if Molly is conscious again. Still nothing. She starts to fear she might be dead, but then pushes the thoughts away.

 

[Metal Snake: Is that her answer for everything?]

[Wumbo: Must come in handy when the rent is due.]

 

She steps outside, once again awestruck at the Upper East Side's beauty and glamor.

 

[Wumbo: What, did 70s accept payola from the state of New York, too? Because if so… might wanna get that money sterilized.]

 

She is starving, and hails a taxi.

 

[Metal Snake: HAIL TAXI!]

 

"Where to?" says the driver.

 

[Jjs: Anna doesn't seem shocked to see someone who eats her own kind.]

 

"Just any good place for breakfast."

 

[William: If I hear another person say "hi taxi driver, take me anywhere", I swear to god.]

 

"Will do, ma'am."

 

[Metal Snake: Oh my gloop, is all Anna going to do this episode eat and sleep? The irony is stunning, considering she was an animal and now all she wants to do as a human is eat and sleep…]

[sOF: Eat, Sleep, Walk & Breathe: A Day in the Life of Anna.]

 

~~~

 

Seth and Heather will walking around downtown Bikini Top

 

[Metal Snake: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Were walking around.]

[Wumbo: NOT ANOTHER SCEoh whatever I’m too emotionally drained to care at this point.]

 

when Seth stopped walking and got down on one knee.

 

Heather stared at him a funny way.

 

[Metal Snake: She sent a funny way his way with her eyes.]

[Wumbo: *awkward laugh*]

 

"Heather, will you--"

 

"--Oh, Lord..."

 

[sOF: OH PLEASE GOD NO...]

 

"Will you wait for me while I tie my shoe?"

 

[sOF: BOOOO!!!!!!]

[Metal Snake: Ha ha ha. That joke totally advanced the plot. Filler scenes are hilarious. Ha ha ha.]

[Wumbo: Seriously, who told 70s he could write jokes? Or anything?]

[William: I would finish that sentence like "will you piss off before I ram into you like a sprinter", but that's probably just an annoyed riffer talking.]

[Jjs: Three strikes and you're out. That stupid Jackie scene, ability-balls, and now this scene gets 70s a new police squad up his ass: THE SIN AGAINST COMEDY POLICE!]

 

~~~

 

Bryan and Glinda landed in Bikini Top.

 

[Jjs: That was strangely vague. I'm just going to imagine that the airplane just kicked both of them out, and they skydived into Bikini Top.]

 

"Where will you be staying?" Bryan asked her.

 

"There are plenty of hotels," said Glinda. "I can find one."

 

"You'll be living in a hotel?"

 

[Metal Snake: No silly Bryan. She’s going to buy one as part of her retirement plan. A ha ha, seriously, you’re reaching Jake levels of obliviousness.]

 

"I'm not going to be living here," Glinda explained. "I only plan on staying as long as I'm needed here. Who knows how long that will be."

 

"Oh," Bryan said.

 

He wondered how long he would need Glinda with him, and if he needed her with him now. If she would kill the vampires for him, he definitely needed her. At all times. Forever.

 

[Metal Snake: ...Bipolar much? I wonder if I need her. I definitely need her. FOREVER.]

[William: And ever. And then some. At all times. Forever. IN TIME.]

 

~~~

 

("New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra [

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: OH MY GOD YOU ACTUALLY DID IT *headdesk*]

[sOF: So is this really a lit, or a spin-off, or what?]

[William: Oh, you think you're SO clever, don't you 70s.]

 

Anna enjoys a wonderful meal of French toast and bacon at a diner.

 

[William: Dammit Anna, why didn't you have the pancakes? That is the FIRST THING anyone should have when they arrive in New York. You're now my least favorite character, I hope you're happy.]

 

She pays and leaves a generous tip, then exits the diner.

 

[Metal Snake: She also grabbed a complimentary breath mint on the way out. And everyone cares since this is useless filler.]

 

She hails another cab, and tells him to take her to the apartment.

 

Once she arrives to the building, she sees the elevator is broken. She decides this is a good opportunity to burn off the calories from her breakfast, and runs up the stairs.

 

[Metal Snake: French toast and bacon really have you packing on the pounds.]

[Wumbo: When did this spin-off turn into Louie? I mean, Louie minus the funny.]

[William: Was this scene really needed? She'd arrive at the apartment anyway if she took either of them.]

 

She gets back into she and Molly's apartment,

 

[Metal Snake: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Her and Molly’s apartment.]

 

and decides to check on Molly again.

 

Molly isn't there.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Metal Snake: Woah, we actually have a key scene at the ending rather than a pointless montage? What sorcery is this?]

[Wumbo: Another spell, I presume?]

[William: The Elder Swear is very versatile, after all.]

 

---

 

Reviews appreciated.

 

[Metal Snake: My review of this episode, since you appreciate it, was that it was “Eh.” Nowhere near as bad as episode 30, the last episode I riffed, just m’okay. Still waiting for this spin-off to get lulzy again though…]

[sOF: So this is how it ends? Well, I don't really know what else to say, other than this episode really sucked ability-balls. Can’t wait to see the musical..]

[Wumbo: Wait, my prediction at the end of last episode actually came true. THEY FUCKING FORGOT ALL ABOUT TEMPERANCE. Bravo, 70s. You really know how to lower expectations. Shoot me.]

[William: I hope they forget about Seth and Heather next episode. Sadly, that's probably not going to happen because 70s has an unhealthy obsession with them. Whatever, it's still been a pleasure riffing with all you fine gentlemen. *ollies outy*]

[Jjs: I barely had anything to say for this one, because Metal Snake, Wumbo, SOF, and newcomer William Leonard were all pretty great. As for the episode itself...for the so-called "jokes" in this episode, 70s, please don't try to be funny ever again. As for the story, I have no idea where the hell this "spin-off" is going anymore, but I'm really scared to see where next. I hear the next episode is a musical episode...oh boy. I'm going to need some Glaceau Vitamin Water to get through it. #ProductPlacement]

Edited April 9, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Wumbo]

Great first riff, William Leonard! And kudos to everyone else on this one, too.

[Metal Snake]

Awesome work everyone. SOF's riffs are really improving, and William's riffs were really good for his first time. Seriously, this is one of my favorites.

[So Sejima]

Review TimeL NEW YORK NEW YORK ALL YEAH BITCH IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NEW YORK CITY BABY NOBODY CARES ABOUT OTHER CITIES, NEW YORKS DA BEST IN TOWN WIT ALL THE FRENCH TOAST WHICH COMES FROM FRANCE BUT NOBODY CARES CUZ IT'Z IN NEW YORK BOI! That's all I can remember, PEACE OUT FROM NEW YORK CITAY BITCHES!

Reviews Appreciated.

[Metal Snake]

Review TimeL NEW YORK NEW YORK ALL YEAH BITCH IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NEW YORK CITY BABY NOBODY CARES ABOUT OTHER CITIES, NEW YORKS DA BEST IN TOWN WIT ALL THE FRENCH TOAST WHICH COMES FROM FRANCE BUT NOBODY CARES CUZ IT'Z IN NEW YORK BOI! That's all I can remember, PEACE OUT FROM NEW YORK CITAY BITCHES!

Reviews Appreciated.

 

[So Sejima]

What it feels like to read the parts in New York, you're welcome for the scars I gave to your IQ there.

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

31. Express Yourself

32. Pray For You

33. Under My Bed

34. The Chosen

35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots

 

36. Sing:

Spoiler

Finished this, and there's just no way I can wait until Sunday to post it, so I'll start doing that later. 

 

[Jjs: It better be worth it, this is a musical! How could 70s screw it up?]

[Trophy: Yes you can, you can knock yourself into a death inducing coma. Oh wait...]

[Hayden: Start doing what later? 70s already screwed writing something up, and we aren't even into the actual chapter yet!]

[Clappy: This probably won’t be worth the time and effort, but let’s get this over with.]

 

S2E16 (36)- Sing: It had been five days, and no sign of Molly. Anna asked the landlord. No one had seen Molly. No one at all. She was gone. Maybe forever.

 

[Jjs: I wouldn't blame her if she decided to leave this spin-off.]

[Hayden: Huzzah, a time skip. Did Anna eat and sleep more during this time or sob over Molly? Both are equally unproductive.]

[Clappy: Can we just end this episode here? I wouldn’t mind if all these characters start leaving this spin-off one by one.]

[JCM: All these. Sentence fragments.]

 

Anna wondered if she should report her as missing. Would it do any good? She didn't know. What she did know was that she didn't want to lose someone she loved. That had never happened to her before. Not that she knew of.

 

[Jjs: Oh right, she lost her memory of Trey. So if Anna tells the authorities, how is she going to approach it?]

[Anna: Hello officers, I was once a fish underwater. My lesbian lover who is also a Morrigan that helped us get here has gone missing. Let me know if you find her. Thanks!]

[Cop: Uh...]

[Trophy in A Cop Outfit: YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR PRANKS!]

[Dora: Hey knew bait'z here fellaz *she and other prisoners beat up Anna*]

[Hayden: Can she just lose her memory of Molly too and live in New York? That'd probably be the best ending any of these characters can hope for.]

[Clappy: The cops are worthless as shit in this spin-off so it’s not worth the time Anna. After all, Morgan is still waiting for the cops to believe Liam raped her.]

 

She huddled herself on the couch and sobbed.

 

[Jjs: Tragic, but we have a musical to get to!]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Trophy: THIS IS THE OFFICIAL THEME SONG:

]

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lzqRVuRqN0 ]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZM8RIz7j3vE ]

 

Everyone was meeting up at Tori's house for a nice breakfast before school. It was Monday, the first day back after spring break.

 

[Trophy: Spring break over already?]

[JCM: I didn't even know that it began. These characters are rarely ever seen in school anymore, anyway.]

 

Seth was getting ready, and Heather got up.

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"School, duh."

 

[JCM: Way to remind her that she's a pedophile.]

[Clappy: Oh yeah, these characters still go to school. I’m surprised they aren’t all drop-outs at this point. Principal Fish has some catching up to do.]

 

She yawned. "Isn't it a little early?"

 

"Breakfast at Tori's," he explained. "Everyone is meeting up there."

 

[Jjs: Huh, I guess Tori really did open a hotel.]

[Hayden: Why not do this on one of your spring break days instead of the morning you go back to school? Hope you like being sleep deprived jackass.]

 

"Oh, I see. Will you go straight to school from there?"

 

"Yeah," said Seth.

 

[Hayden: This scene feels like one between a mother and a son. Very gross to think about. Ick. So you're all welcome for that perspective of the scene.]

 

He continued to get ready, and before he walked out the door, he asked, "Hey do you want to come with?"

 

"I'm sorry, no."

 

"Why?"

 

[JCM: BECAUSE IT IS CREEPY.]

 

"I think it would be inappropriate," Heather said.

 

[Jjs: 9 episodes of banging each other and you FINALLY came to that conclusion?]

[Trophy: Having breakfast is inappropriate? Stripping yourselves just to have sex with others would be though.]

[Hayden: "Having breakfast at this ungodly hour is quite inappropriate."]

 

"I did it with the karaoke thing, but I don't want to... intrude with your group. Especially since my daughter is a part of it. She may be okay with this now, but she wouldn't if I was always hanging around."

 

[JCM: She shouldn't be okay with it at all. It is CREEPY.]

[Clappy: But that hasn’t stopped you do all these other things with their group. What’s stopping you now? Your conscience….oh yeah that’s right. None of them have a conscience.]

 

"You sure?"

 

"Positive," said Heather. "I can just have breakfast here."

 

[Trophy: But you're all alone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoOy4_F2a44 ]

 

"Really?"

 

[JCM: Yes, she is capable of eating breakfast in her own home.]

 

"Really. I'm still tired anyways. I think I'm going to go back to bed."

 

"Okay," Seth said. "I love you."

 

"Love you too."

 

[Jjs: Enough of that creepy romance...where's the musical part? Were we supposed to read that as a song?]

[Hayden: It sure as hell wasn't music to my ears.]

 

~~~

 

("Dammit" by blink-182 [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JM7bkQ4HUK0 ] plays throughout the scene)

 

Jake and Morgan were on their way to the breakfast. They had been arguing all morning. It was all going great until...

 

[JCM: The fire nation attacked.]

[Trophy: Arguing is great now? Dafuq?]

 

Morgan said, "I think the apartment could use some new shades."

 

[Clappy: What a twist?]

[Jjs: So Morgan apparently has OCD over furniture now. I don't trust 70s to focus on disorders.]

[Hayden: This is the most riveting storyline 70s has ever attempted...FURNITURE ADDICTION!]

 

"Morgan, you've completely remodeled our apartment in the five days I've let you have financial freedom. Don't you think that's overdoing it?"

 

"Jake, it's MY money! I'll do what I want with it!"

 

[Hayden: IT'S MY MONEY, AND I NEED IT NOW! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX0fIi3H-es ]

 

"Morgan, what if we need that money for something later?

 

[JCM: Like rehabilitation for Morgan's furniture addiction.]

 

There's not some endless supply!"

 

[Trophy: Not unless you're Tristan and his giant exploding moneybags.]

 

"Can we stop talking about this?"

 

[Hayden: Morgan has the right idea, onto the next scene!]

 

"I want you to understand! You seem to think money just flies out of banks so you can spend it, but it doesn't. Your money will not last forever, and we need to save it instead of spend it whenever the hell we feel like it."

 

[Jjs: Wait, is Jake being the smart one here? That's a first.]

[Hayden: It's a sad, sad day when Jake is the most rational person in the room.]

[Clappy: Maybe moving out when still going to high school wasn’t the brightest idea? Gasp.]

[JCM: So Jake went from being an immature idiot to being a levelheaded proponent of financial responsibility all within the span of one school year? Yeah, I can believe that.]

 

"I'm SO sorry for wanting nice things!"

 

[Jjs: Morgan confirmed again for Timmy's Dad.]

[Hayden: Morgan, you're the reason why people can't have nice things, or at least poor obsolete Jackie who has no plot left.]

 

"There's no need to be sorry for that," said Jake. "What you need to be sorry for is feeling like you instantly need those nice things without waiting."

 

"Without waiting? Why wait?"

 

[JCM: Because that furniture won't give it up until you put a ring on that finger.]

 

"Because I'm looking for a job right now, Morgan. When we have extra funds, then you can spend them. Right now, your money is the bulk of our funds, and we cannot afford it running dry. Do you understand that?"

 

[Jjs: Didn't Jake already have a job at the Smoothie Shack, or did 70s finally realize maybe that wasn't enough to support a couple?]

[Clappy: I would fire him. I mean how many times has he actually shown up for work?]

[Hayden: He got fired due to budget cuts, apparently an entire town can't work in the same building. Oh and SpongeBob and Patrick totally framed him for that jetpack incident.]

 

"Somewhat," said Morgan.

 

"Good."

 

"What I don't understand is why you're speaking like it's your money," said Morgan. "It's mine."

 

[JCM: And like Barney always told us, sharing is for communists!]

[Clappy: I don’t see you working at Smoothie Shack either. God Morgan, you are really pushing your way up my list of irritable characters in this spin-off.]

 

Jake slammed on the brakes. "Excuse me?"

 

[Jjs: Wait, they were driving? For a guy whose speciality is details galore, he sure wasn't specific here. VAGUENESS POLICE!]

[Hayden: Morgan stahp. You aren't quite at Naomi level yet but you're a little worse than Anna at this point.]

 

"It's my money. I should get to decide where it goes, and what it buys."

 

"Well guess what?"

 

"What?"

 

"I have money too."

 

[JCM: Mind...blown.]

 

"Apparently not very much."

 

"My money paid for the boatmobile you're sitting in right now. You haven't complained about it."

 

[Jjs: Gee, where is this going? They break up, right?]

[Hayden: Nah, any realistic couple has a hiccup like this without immediately calling it quits in the relationship. 70s definitely understands that, right?]

 

"It smells like feet."

 

[Hayden: Are you sure that's not you?]

[Trophy: It's a boat, it's supposed to.]

 

"Get out then."

 

"What?"

 

"I bought it with my money," said Jake. "I get to decide what my money is spent on, and I spent it on this boatmobile. Get out. There's only a half mile left. Walk."

 

[JCM: "But my feet smell like feet, too."]

 

"Fine."

 

"Fine."

 

Morgan got out and slammed the door.

 

[Clappy: Liam is looking like a real winner right now, right?]

 

Jake drove.

 

[Jjs: Oh of course, why not, who cares. Let's get to the musical part now, right?]

[Hayden: Well, now her feet will smell from all that sweat from walking.]

 

~~~

 

Anna was sitting down, thinking. 

 

[Clappy: Well gee. That’s a first.]

[Jjs:

]

 

Suddenly, she had a realization... she hadn't seen her friends in six days. They had to be wondering where she was.

 

[Jjs: With the intelligence of her "friends", I wouldn't be surprised if they forgot who Anna was.]

[Hayden: They must be really important to her as well if she took 6 days to remember they existed.]

[JCM: Just hope you didn't accidentally eat one of your friends while you were touring New York.]

 

She called Morgan, as she was the first one that came to her mind.

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! How can you call someone who is underwater? New York must have a damn good phone connection if it apparently connects underwater.]

[Clappy: Oh yeah. I forgot. The horrendous New York plot twist. It’s so stupid that it puts nearly 99% of these plot points to shame. Second worst thing 70s ever thought about doing to this spin-off. I think we all know what the first is.]

[Hayden: Well, I don't like to brag about my state but yeah, we defy logic at every turn.]

[Anna: Hello Morgan.]

[Morgan Freeman: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCH!?! COPS! *Anna is arrested and beaten up by Dora again*]

 

"Hello?" said a tearful Morgan.

 

"Oh, Mor, what's wrong?"

 

[Jjs: An.]

 

"It's a long story..."

 

[JCM: Which I'm sure we'll be forced to sit through despite just seeing it happen 30 seconds ago.]

 

"I have time."

 

"Me and Jake had a fight," said Morgan. "And it was in his boatmobile, and he kicked me out. We were on our way to Bryan's for breakfast, and now I'm a couple miles away. It's not that I can't walk it... I just hate fighting with him."

 

[Hayden: YOU had a fight. Jake had a mature conversation you didn't want to hear. Either Jake developed or 70s has lost track of Jake's character consistency.]

 

"There's no such thing as a perfect relationship... I don't even know where Molly is right now."

 

"WHAT?"

 

[JCM: You don't have to yell.]

 

"Oh, it's nothing," Anna lied.

 

[Hayden: "She's off at a lesbian bar cheating on me." Actually, knowing 70s and how he likes to create relationship drama, that's pretty plausible.]

 

"Speaking of that, I don't know where you are..."

 

[Clappy: Jumping the shark so many times that the shark is tired of being jumped over.]

 

"Vacation."

 

"Skipping school, though? That's so unlike you, Anna."

 

[JCM: Getting drunk and killing people is like you, but skipping school? *shakes head*]

 

"I guess love does crazy things."

 

"Yes, I guess it does."

 

[Jjs: When it comes to this spin-off, it's not a good kind of crazy.]

[Hayden: What does she have to gain by not telling Morgan about her situation? At least her friends could offer some inkling of a solution. Guess this is just a wasted phone call.]

 

Both were silent.

 

[Jjs: If only they could stay silent for the rest of the series.]

 

"Well, I have to go," said Anna.

 

"Okay, bye," Morgan said. "I should go too. I have to walk to Bryan's, you know."

 

[JCM: We all know, because you won't shut up about it.]

 

"Have fun," Anna told her. "And tell everyone I miss them a lot. I hope I'll be back soon."

 

[Clappy: And hopefully I’ll be back to being a fish soon too.]

 

"Hope? What's stopping you?"

 

"Oh, nothing. I'm just saying things for no reason. I'm a little sick. Maybe even delirious! I should get to sleep."

 

[Jjs: Maybe Molly drugged Anna and her, and that they aren't really in New York - it's just a weird acid trip. Calling it, that is my headcanon.]

[Hayden: Considering Anna's human now and is someone talking on the phone with a fish....yeah let's go with acid trip.]

[JCM: I wouldn't be surprised if this entire spin-off turned out to be somebody's acid trip.]

 

"Um... okay," Morgan said. "Well, you do that. Bye." She hung up.

 

Anna sighed. She had undoubtedly just planted suspicion in her friend's mind. Maybe she should stop contact with the gang until she returned. She decided that would be best. Letting them know what was going on could put them in danger.

 

[Jjs: Tragic, but let's get to the musical part already!]

[Hayden: Put them in danger? You've been stuck on land for a week, how do you surmise that not telling them anything at all will help you return if Molly's really gone for good?]

[Clappy: Or letting them know that you are a human that can stop all these bad fishes and undersea supernatural creatures….god I fucking hate this.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan woke up, ready to go get breakfast. Glinda was next to him. He was about to scream when she clapped her fins together and his mouth vanished.

 

[JCM: Leave him like that. Please.]

[Jjs: I knew it, Glinda is a pedophile! We already have one creepy romance, we don't need another.]

[Hayden: Show The Chosen a little respect lady. Actually never mind, go try that trick on Naomi, Morgan, Seth, and Heather.]

 

"There's been a sighting," she said.

 

"A sighting of what?" said Bryan.

 

[Trophy: Is his mouth back yet? INCONSISTENCY POLICE!]

[Clappy: How fucking clueless is Bryan?]

 

"Vampires."

 

"Okay..."

 

"It's time."

 

"For what?"

 

[JCM: For your to turn into a tree again. TREE POWERS ACTIVATE.]

 

"Your first kill."

 

[Jjs: So Bryan is about to become a Vampire Slayer....and that's it? What was the point of breaking this scene apart? Can we get to the musical part already? Pointless Scene #1.]

[Hayden: Total Drama the Musical will have aired by the time we get to any musical scenes in this episode. Why does Bryan have to kill a vampire if he's supposed to be in hiding? Since Astenias has every Vampire as his bitch apparently, won't that just alert him Bryan is back in Bikini Top?]

 

~~~

 

Tori was preparing breakfast. She didn't mind it. She liked taking care of the kids. She knew it was something she wouldn't get to do much longer, so she cherished it while she still could. Caretaking was what she did, and she didn't know what she would do once she was done. Jake moving out made her realize how hard it would be, so she was glad Bryan was staying until he went to college. He had become her son over the past year and a half, and she cared deeply for him. Losing Jake and Bryan would undoubtedly hurt her greatly.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, just like losing Larry has "hurt" you.]

[JCM: Larry who?]

[Hayden: Don't worry Tori, I'm sure you can have Jex with Seth and pop out a newborn.]

[Clappy: Hayden, stop giving 70s ideas dammit.]

 

There was a ring of the doorbell, 

 

[Jjs: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Ring at the doorbell.]

[Hayden: I want my own special doorbell ring.]

 

and Tori went to get it. It was Jake.

 

"Son!"

 

[Clappy: Parental Unit!]

[Hayden: Is that really what mothers say when they see their child?]

[JCM: Maybe she didn't know which son she was talking to. Not an indication of good parenting, but if she was a good parent, Jake wouldn't have wanted to move out.]

 

She hugged him tightly.

 

"Hey, Mom," he said. "Am I the first one here?"

 

"Yes, you are. Where's Morgan?"

 

"She decided to walk. She should be here soon."

 

Tori was too happy to notice how odd this is.

 

[Trophy: You're not Monster or Pharell Williams. WITCH!]

[JCM: Someone...walking? What sorcery is this?]

 

"Sit down, we'll have a chat."

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #2.]

[Hayden: Yes, it is quite odd that Morgan would want to exercise. With how obnoxiously fat she is and all.]

[Clappy: What? No boring recollection of this “chat”? Come on 70s.]

 

~~~

 

Naomi was on her way to breakfast when she got a call from Mikayla.

 

[Jjs: Oh boy. I don't want to hear what is most likely another Naomi bitching scene, so I may just skip.]

[Hayden: Is 70s going anywhere with this forced friendship aside from Naomi's ability to now whine about Trevor with someone? Couldn't she do this with poor irrelevant Jackie instead?]

 

"Hello?" she said.

 

"Hey," Mikayla said.

 

"I'm driving right now," said Naomi. "So I won't be able to talk long."

 

"Oh, okay," said Mikayla. "I'm just... bored."

 

[Jjs: Even the characters themselves are getting bored of 70s' writing.]

[JCM: As we all are.]

 

"Huh," said Naomi. "Well... I'm going to breakfast at Bryan's. Want to come with?"

 

"No."

 

She hung up.

 

"What the hell?" Naomi said.

 

[Trophy: My reaction exactly.]

[Hayden: How impolite. Is Naomi rubbing off on Mikayla?]

[Jjs: Oh sweet, some karma for this bitch. I'll give 70s this, I am surprised she didn't bitch about Trevor cheating on her...he's probably saving that for later. Anyways, ISN'T THIS A MUSICAL?]

[Hayden: They'll all break out in song once they get breakfast, just watch Jjs, no false advertising is going on with the title 70s gave this episode at all.]

 

~~~

 

[Clappy: Oh thank goodness. Avoiding Naomi scenes is such a wonderful thing to do. Especially when they are entirely pointless…now onto more entirely pointless-ness.]

 

"Glinda, I'm supposed to have breakfast."

 

[JCM: It's the most important meal of the day!]

 

"That's fine. But after, we go."

 

"I have school."

 

"This is more important."

 

[JCM: Yeah! Screw education!]

[Clappy: Gasp. More important than being a student?]

 

"Oh really?"

 

"Of course it is! Now go eat, and come back up."

 

"Fine."

 

Bryan went downstairs to see all his friends (except Anna and Molly). 

 

[Jjs: Thanks for clarifying 70s. I figured two people stuck on land in New York would somehow make it there. No Reader Left Behind once again!]

[Hayden: To be fair, this isn't the first time 70s has ignored multiple plot points as an excuse to drag the whole gang together for some stupid shindig.]

[Clappy: I’m surprised they didn’t reunite at a karaoke bar….oh wait that’s me acknowledging that this is still suppose to be a musical.]

 

He hadn't seen them since he left for WaterFalls, and he had so much that he wanted to tell them... but he didn't know if he could.

 

"Hey guys," he said. "Let's have some breakfast."

 

[JCM: That is what they went to his house for, isn't it?]

[Jjs: Well, they don't seem surprised he is back at all. What are they having for breakfast...waffles?]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDU0CTDMk2g ]

[Trophy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gj95m0CR5I ]

 

~~~

 

"She saw us!" Dora screeched. "Are you really just going to ignore that?"

 

"She didn't look panicked!" Hersht yelled back at her. "She may not have seen us draining the blood."

 

"No, she saw me doing it," said Brenda. "I know she did."

 

[Jjs: Oh, so Brenda is just a part of their gang now...no need to go back to family or anything, why not, whatever, who cares.]

[Clappy: Well obviously who cares….because….VAMPIRES.]

[Hayden: She fits right in. Also, due to that forced dialogue from before....we know she'll end up with Hersht. Guess it's better than that husband with no personality whatsoever.]

[JCM: I have no idea what's going on right now, and I don't care.]

 

"Are you sure?" Jordin asked her, remaining totally calm.

 

"Completely."

 

Dora rolled her eyes. "Time to relocate."

 

"But why didn't she looked panicked?" Hersht said. "It doesn't add up."

 

[Jjs: Nothing in this spin-off adds up.]

 

"Because, she's a vampire hunter! She wasn't panicked because she was LOOKING for vampires! And guess what she found. Now let's go before she comes back with a stake!" Dora insisted.

 

[Trophy: Did I miss this from the last episode?]

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #3.]

[Hayden: Pointless? Don't be absurd, vampire hunters existing was a very necessary revelation so that 70s can finally do something with these characters. Since heaven knows when they'll get back to trying to take down Astenias.]

[Clappy: God these vampires are so hideously boring.]

[JCM: At least we know why Astenias wants to kill Bryan now, and the answer's as cliché and uninteresting as I expected it to be.]

 

~~~

 

("Take a Picture" by Filter [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

"So, how was WaterFalls?" Jackie asked Bryan, if slightly awkwardly. She gave him a look, as if to let him know -- their friends didn't know they'd had sex.

 

[Trophy: I'm going to be riffing every episode of this plot aren't I?]

[Clappy: Subtle subtle. Wink wink.]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, let's see how 70s continues that sub-plot. He'll probably have Jackie and Bryan have sex again, but skip their scene because they are boring.]

[Hayden: They should just have Jex on Tori's breakfast table so we can rush through to the inevitable plot point of the gang finding out they had it anyways.]

 

"It was... different," said Bryan.

 

"Anything exciting happen?" Morgan asked.

 

"Honestly?" Bryan said, extending the word. "Yes."

 

"Okay, I'll bite. 

 

[JCM: HAHA DRAMATIC IRONY]

[Clappy: Hehe…vampires…]

 

What happened?"

 

"My mom and Zack were killed. Murdered."

 

Jake spit out his pancake.

 

[Jjs: WOULD YOU QUIT IT WITH THE SPIT TAKES ALREADY]

[Trophy: *spits on Jake's face*]

[Jake: SERIOUSLY DUDE, JUST STOP IT PLEASE!]

[Hayden: Alright Jake that's enough, time to get this out of your system once and for all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eW5_ZUFaKEw ]

[Clappy: Gasp.]

 

Naomi dropped her fork.

 

[Jjs: Forks? Come on!]

[Hayden: Use proper silverware, like a spork! What an amateur.]

[Clappy: Double gasp.]

 

Seth's jaw dropped.

 

[JCM: You should really pick that up, son.]

[Trophy: *steals jaw and shoves it down Jackie so the sex plot stops*]

[Jjs: You shouldn't be dropping jaws out of anyone.]

[Hayden: *shoves jawbreaker into Seth's mouth* That'll teach him!]

[Clappy: Triple gasp.]

 

"Sorry, what?" said Morgan.

 

[Clappy: Come on Morgan. You are suppose to drop or spit out something too. Didn’t you get the memo? *Morgan spits out water*]

 

"Dead. And you know what's ironic? Their house was burned down, just like my dad's."

 

"Seriously?" Jake said. "You can't be serious."

 

[Hayden: I can't take this conversation seriously, and neither is Bryan even though it's true.]

 

"But I am."

 

Tori came over and gave him a hug. "Oh, honey. Why didn't you tell us?"

 

[Hayden: Is this a real reaction from an adult? JFC]

 

"I'm over it. Moved on."

 

[JCM: Yeah, if my parents died, I'd be over it in a week, too.]

[Hayden: This stone cold bastard is our only hope and savior?]

[Clappy: I don’t care that my family is dead. Murders happen. Fuck you Bryan.]

 

"You can't just move on from that..." Tori said. "Both of your parents... they're dead. You don't have a family anymore."

 

[Clappy: Well thanks for being so subtle about it Tori.]

 

"You couldn't be more wrong," said Bryan. "All of you are more my family than they ever were."

 

[Jjs: Wow, Bryan sure gets over things well...but then again, Zoey and Zach had no importance to the story, so I guess I don't blame him for once.]

[Hayden: Fuck my mother, all the years before I moved to Bikini Top, and started having multiple dramatic occurrences happen to everyone around me. If these drama queens aren't what makes up a family for me, I don't know what is.]

[Clappy: God I couldn’t have pictured a more cold-hearted sentence than that. What a massive asshole. I seriously hope Bryan the Vampire Slayer dies. Please make this line be foreshadowing.]

 

"Oh, that's so sweet," said Morgan.

 

[JCM: Yeah, his cold indifference over the death of his parents is adorable!]

 

"It really is..." said Jake. "Mor, I'm sorry."

 

"I'm sorry too," she said. She went over and kissed him.

 

[Hayden: Did Bryan just save a relationship by being an uncaring asshole? HE TRULY IS THE CHOSEN!]

[Clappy: Insensitive assholes like Bryan. Saving relationships since 2011.]

 

"You two were fighting?" Jackie asked.

 

"Duh," said Naomi. "They weren't sitting right next to each other with Morgan's fin right on Jake's groin."

 

[JCM: We all need to give Naomi a big hand for her astute observational skills.]

[Hayden: They need to adopt a "fins on the table at all times" policy. But seriously Naomi, shut your whore mouth.]

[Clappy: HAHA GET IT? BECAUSE HANDJOBS! LMFAO…..you shouldn’t be judging you drug addicted slut.]

[Jjs: Uh...haha? Was I supposed to laugh? Can we start singing now? I'd rather have whatever songs 70s makes up instead of this snoozefest. Also Clappy, don't put that imagery through my head...OH GOD NEXT SCENE NEXT SCENE]

[Trophy: *puts hand on jjs' groin* Nah, let's go do gay stuff with Anna....wait... *reads Clappy's line* ... *now has imagery in head* GROSS, NEXT SCENE, I DON'T CARE IF IT IS A SONG, ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM THIS!]

 

~~~

 

Heather was watching TV when there was a knock at the door.

 

"Probably door-to-door salesmen..." she said. "Do they not see that I live in a fenced-in neighborhood with a large sign that clearly says 'No Soliciting'?" she sighed, and went to answer the door.

 

Her ex-husband Mark was standing there.

 

"Hey, babe," he said, and kissed her right on the mouth.

 

[Jjs: What a story, Mark!]

[Hayden: An age appropriate relationship? Too bad it transitioned from a greeting straight into a make-out session, honestly can this shit get any more cliché if it tried?]

[Clappy: I’m surprised 70s didn’t introduce more characters via kissing, fucking, or any other sign of “affection”.]

[JCM: So, that happened.]

[Trophy: Where's Drake? That's bullshit, where the fuck is Drake man? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5utc5TOPNbo ]

 

~~~

 

Everyone had finished eating, and they were talking.

 

"It's been a long time since we all just hung out together," said Jake.

 

[JCM: Those were the bad ol' days. Of course, any day I have to read this is a bad ol' day.]

 

"I've missed it," Morgan (who now was sitting next to him, fin on his groin) agreed.

 

[Trophy: GROSS *barfs* How is he comfortable with that?]

[Jjs: ...stop

Stop. Stop.

STOP WITH THE UNFUNNY DETAILS! NOW I KNOW HOW WUMBO FEELS! IT'S NOT CLEVER, IT'S NOT FUNNY, AND NOBODY CARES! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WRITE ABOUT FISH HANDJOBS GAHH GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD *drinks vitamin water*]

[sin Against Comedy Police Officer: This guy needs to stop listening to Dane Cook.]

[Hayden: Has 70s established a genre for this series? Because at this point it's looking like a mixture of all of the worst parts of each genre there is.]

[Clappy: He has established a genre for this series. Underage, Somewhat Supernatural Porn.]

 

"We all have," Jackie said.

 

"Well, you kids should get going. Don't want to be late for your first day back at school. Only a couple of months left!" Tori said jubilantly. Hearing Bryan's declaration that she was a part of his real family made her day.

 

[Hayden: What a sad and pathetic life this woman lives.]

[JCM: At least she knew which of her sons made that declaration. Maybe there's hope for her as a mother yet.]

 

Everyone but Bryan left, saying they'd see each other at school.

 

"I think I'm going to stay home today," said Bryan. "Well, I might go out..."

 

Normally Tori would question this, say he'd missed enough school. But he was eighteen, and she didn't care. She was too happy, and he had gone through enough. "Have fun."

 

[JCM: Nope, I was wrong. She's still a terrible mother.]

[Clappy: Make wise choices….oh wait, that would require these characters to not be braindead.]

 

So Bryan went back up to his room.

 

"Took you long enough," said Glinda.

 

[Trophy: AH STALKER *hits with lamp*]

[Jjs: Glinda likes breaking into people's rooms. Like I said, Pedophile Police...stay by.]

[Hayden: Don't mystical beings have more patience? I mean the baddest baddie of all took 6 months to give a flying crap about obtaining Bryan Errin.]

 

~~~

 

Molly is beaten and bloody, hung from the ceiling of an apartment, unconscious, just barely still alive.

 

[Jjs: Yikes.]

[Hayden: Uh oh, 70s torture porn. RUN FOR YOUR LIVESSSSS!]

[Clappy: HAH! MY PORN CALL WAS CORRECT!]

[JCM: She forgot the safe word, didn't she?]

 

A woman a few years older with a striking resemblane to her walks by and looks at her in disgust.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: resemblance]

 

"You'll pay for what you did." She smirked.

 

[Jjs: Oh, is this Kara? This would sure would've been a surprise if Glinda didn't tell us last episode.]

[JCM: Either it's Kara, or Molly has a new lesbian lover who's into some weird shit.]

[Hayden: 70s probably thinks we have no clue what's going on and will insult our intelligence a little more in the next paragraph of this he posts.]

[Clappy: With more vague boring dialogue.]

 

~~~

 

Glinda and Bryan arrived at the forest to see two of the vampires yelling at each other while one of the others tried to calm the two of them down, and one of them -- Brenda, Bryan recognized -- looked terrified.

 

[Hayden: Oh, the vampire hunter is Glinda, totally didn't expect anything along the lines of that.]

 

"Guys..." Brenda said. "Look."

 

But they didn't listen. They continued arguing.

 

A thousand thoughts rushed through Bryan's head. There was a stake in his hand, and he knew what he had to do with it.

 

[JCM: Stake dinner?]

 

But he simply couldn't. Also... what was Brenda doing there? Was she a vampire?

 

[Hayden: Well go ahead Bryan, kill your ex girlfriend's mother, it's not like you care about dead mothers or anything.]

[Clappy: Why do I have a feeling 70s was actually asking himself that question?]

 

"Bryan, what are you waiting for?" Glinda asked quietly.

 

"I don't know if I can do this..."

 

"Fine," said Glinda. "I can make it easier." She uttered one of her spells, and all four vampires started screaming, and writhing on the ground.

 

[JCM: You're pretty morbid for a Wizard of Oz character.]

[Jjs: Like I said, I knew Glinda was a pedophile...now anal fucking these vampires, just cruel!]

[Pedophile Police Chief: I think we're going to retire next...]

[Hayden: If Glinda's this overpowered why doesn't she go and kill Astenias herself? Plus if they can be taken down this easily, none of them were ever any help to Bryan at all.]

[Clappy: …..no. NO NO NO. JUST FUCKING STOP IT. WITCHES CAN’T CONJURE UP MAGIC TO TORTURE VAMPIRES. SINCE WHEN WAS THIS FUCKING ESTABLISHED? DAMMIT 70S. EITHER READ UP ON ACTUAL SUPERNATURAL CREATURES OR JUST DON’T INCLUDE THEM IN YOUR SPIN-OFF AT ALL. I’M SO SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THIS PLOT TWIST. IT’S AWFUL. IT’S JUST PAINFUL. I CAN’T RIFF IT ANYMORE BECAUSE IT’S JUST SO BRUTALLY BAD. FROM “MULTIPLE” MORRIGANS TO WITCHES KILLING VAMPIRES. IT WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE IF IT WERE WEREWOLVES.]

 

"Glinda!" Bryan yelled. "I know one of them! Actually, I know two of them!"

 

He noticed Dora. Dora... the girl that came to Bikini Top High School for a few days. The girl Anna insisted was in prison with her, and tormented her. She was a vampire this entire time.

 

[Hayden: OMG......70s actually remembered that happened and is doing something with it. I'm sure this will lead to some nail biting tension between Bryan and Dora and-]

 

Bryan went towards Dora, and drove the stake through her heart.

 

She stopped moving.

 

[JCM: Ding dong! The bitch is dead!]

[Jjs: RIP Dora the Explorer.]

[Trophy: Happy reunion!]

[Hayden: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! Is this a joke? This is how you kill off one of the only Vampires who had any plot outside of protecting or killing Bryan at all costs? Now we'll never hear her beautiful grammar again. WHAT KIND OF MUSICAL IS THIS?]

[Clappy: ….YOU DID IT AGAIN. AT LEAST MAKE THE VAMPIRES BE MORE OF A THREAT. BRYAN JUST EASILY WALKED UP TO HER AND PUT A STAKE THROUGH HER HEART? JUST NO. THIS SCENE IS JUST IMPLAUSIBLE FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW THEIR SUPERNATURAL CREATURES.]

 

Jordin screamed louder.

 

[Hayden: Then again, in a terrible way this is pretty damn funny.]

 

"Glinda, lift the spell so we can get them to talk," said Bryan.

 

"You killed her!" Jordin screeched. "We're TRYING to help you, you bastard!"

 

[Hayden: Well, look where that's gotten you.]

[JCM: I wouldn't be insulting the guy with the stake in his hand.]

[Clappy: Exactly how did you help him?]

 

Brenda held her head in her fins. "Bryan, what in the world are you doing here?" she asked. She looked thoroughly confused, and Bryan came to the conclusion that she had only recently become a vampire.

 

"He's the Chosen," said Hersht. "His job is to kill vampires."

 

[Hayden: Then why the hell are you helping him? This only makes your insistence on switching into a "hero" even more confusing and riddled with nonsense.]

 

"What?" Brenda asked.

 

"I just found out," said Bryan.

 

[Clappy: Sorry vampires. I just found out that I had a purpose instead of just fucking around.]

 

"What do you mean you're trying to help him?" Glinda asked Jordin.

 

"We've been plotting for months. We're trying to figure out a way to kill Astenias," said Jordin.

 

[Hayden: How about with that stake he keeps in his pocket? LOVE the progress you've managed to make by the way.]

 

"Astenias?" Bryan asked. "As in, one of the original vampires who's trying to kill me?"

 

[JCM: No, the other Astenias.]

 

"Exactly," said Jordin. "We're on Katniss's team."

 

[Jjs: Still hoping it's not the one from Hunger Games. Are we ever going to see Katniss anyways...actually, keep her as just a name, we have enough vampires to handle.]

 

"And Katniss... she's the one who told Glinda about me. The one who told Glinda to keep me alive."

 

[Clappy: I’m really sick of this spin-off having so many characters and so many to keep up with.]

 

"Yes," said Hersht.

 

"So... she was good? Trying to keep me alive?" Bryan gestured towards Dora's corpse.

 

[Hayden: Not exactly, and if she ever randomly came back to life she'd probably be ready as ever to betray you. So good thing she's permanently dead now right?]

 

"Yes... she was," Jordin said, and weeped.

 

[JCM: I wept at her using of "weeped".]

 

"She just died," Glinda said. "A vampire who just died is not all that difficult to resurrect. I'm fairly familiar with the Resurrection Spell, in fact."

 

[Clappy: ….I’M DONE WITH ALL THIS IMPLAUSIBLE SHIT. I’M JUST DONE.]

[Hayden: ............I QUIT. What's to stop Astenias from pulling this shit and coming back in season 3? Granted for one ambiguous scene of brevity considering s3 is one chapter long but still, this is ridonculous.]

 

"Get on with it," said Jordin.

 

"I need some vampire blood," said Glinda.

 

"Brenda is a newborn," Jordin said. "Hers will be the strongest."

 

[JCM: So you're saying that blood works in the opposite way that wine works. The Catholic Church lied to me!]

 

"No!" Hersht said.

 

[Hayden: Well aren't you just a lovesick puppy.]

 

"Hersht, it's fine," Brenda said. "I want to save Dora." She bit herself, and blood oozed from her fin.

 

[Trophy: AND THE WALLS WILL OOZE GREEN SLIME...OR RATHER, RED SLIME!]

[Hayden: Oh come on, you barely know her and she was treating you and your presence like crap.]

 

Glinda held onto her bloody fin, and started the Resurrection Spell. The trees started to sway violently, and Dora's body floated up into the air.

 

"Is it working?" Bryan asked.

 

Glinda continued the spell. Her eyes turned yellow, and she started to levitate as well.

 

Bryan was scared, and yet he couldn't help but think how incredibly awesome this is. Glinda continued.

 

[JCM: You should go kill more people. Starting with Heather.]

 

Finally, Dora gently fell back to the ground, and opened her eyes. "What the hell, man?" she said to Bryan.

 

[Trophy: We don't hear the spell? Boo!]

[Jjs: Welp, that made Bryan killing Dora before pointless. PADDING POLICE!]

[Padding Police Chief: I told you Jjs, we're retiring. Stop calling the lines.]

[Hayden: Isn't she just a keeper?]

 

Glinda passed out immediately.

 

Bryan rushed to her side.

 

"She'll be fine..." said Dora. "The spell just drained her. She'll be back up in a few minutes."

 

[Hayden: Or maybe she'll be out cold for several hours and then vanish without a trace.]

[JCM: I wish we had that luxury.]

 

"Sorry about killing you and all..."

 

"I guess it's okay," Dora said. "A misunderstanding."

 

[Hayden: Why isn't BryanxAnna the OTP? Attempted murderers <3]

 

"So... I wonder if that counts as my first kill."

 

"It doesn't," Dora quipped.

 

[Jjs: So...I have a feeling I was lied to that this was a musical, just like our two "Christmas" episodes. Someone is SO getting fired.]

[JCM: If we don't have any musicals this season, I won't be disappointed.]

[Hayden: Dora Downer ruining Bryan's first kill and a death in this chapter. Now what can 70s do to raise the "stakes"? Terrible pun, I know.]

[Clappy: God this scene was super painful.]

 

~~~

 

Jake and Morgan were sitting next to each other in class, talking while the teacher went on about something. It was a useless class, neither of them really cared.

 

[Hayden: So an elective? Been there done that, I'm guessing it's a film studies class.]

 

"Jake," the teacher said. "Mum's the word, okay?"

 

"Um... mum."

 

"She means shut up," Morgan whispered.

 

"...I never have understood that phrase," said Jake.

 

[Trophy: Now you do.]

[Hayden: There's the dimwitted Jake we all know and hate. I hope this scene ends with him doing a spit take on the teacher.]

 

The teacher cleared her throat, and the two of them stopped talking.

 

[JCM: Don't want to get paddled on your first day back, I see.]

 

"We have a new student," said the teacher. "Please welcome David to our school."

 

David was a slim, tall boy with glasses.

 

[Jjs: I'm disappointed now 70s didn't play "The Real Slim Shady" for this scene.]

 

Everyone laughed when he tripped on his way to his desk, next to Morgan.

 

"Welcome to the school," said Morgan with a friendly smile.

 

David ignored her and put his head down.

 

[Jjs: Audience, time to place your bets on David. Will he?:

 

A) Be a supernatural creature

Contribute absolutely nothing whatsoever to the story

C) Work for Astenias

D) Have some dark epic past related to someone

 

Take your pick.]

[Hayden: He's obviously Morgan's next love interest and the guy she cheats on Jake with. Der. So yes, I'll go with B.]

[Clappy: B.]

[Trophy: I want E: He kills everyone.]

[JCM: We all want E, Troph. We all want E.]

 

~~~

 

("The Fight Song" by Marilyn Manson [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLDSUzZCD6A ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Hayden: I can only assume a fight scene is about to happen, since 70s doesn't know how to be subtle with his song choices.]

 

Everyone was sitting together at lunch.

 

"Where's Bryan?" Jackie asked, then she wondered if she should be asking that. People might get suspicious.

 

[Hayden: You asking a simple question about the missing member of your group will automatically make everyone suspicious you two had Jex?]

 

"He texted me in Science," said Jake. "He stayed home, and I think that's fine. He deserves that."

 

[JCM: After all, he needs time to not-mourn over his parents.]

 

"Yeah," said Morgan. "And speaking of Science, what the hell is up with the new kid?"

 

[Hayden: Oh silly me, when you gave him a nice greeting I should have known you were just being a fake bitch and were going to gossip about him later.]

 

"David?" Naomi asked.

 

"Yeah," Morgan said.

 

"I had him in French. What a geek," Naomi said, and started laughing. "I mean, did you see him? And he talked to absolutely no one. Loser."

 

[Trophy: Or else he likes to keep quiet and will later kill you all for looking down on him?]

[Jjs: Great, so now David is the "Loser" for his player card. Even if David ends up being underdeveloped, he doesn't deserve this shit from these awful main characters. I really hope David does kill them now.]

[Hayden: You know, the meanest people are the ones who have trouble believing in themselves. Maybe that's being too sympathetic to Naomi though. *lights the bitch on fire*]

[Clappy: Naomi, haven’t you realized by now that being an absolute asshole gets you nowhere in life? At least David wasn’t a drug addicted crack whore like you are. What a winner.]

 

"I don't think that's fair," said Jackie.

 

[JCM: Life isn't fair! Now stop being a drag and pick on the new kid with your friends!]

 

"I really don't, either," Seth said. "You guys are being kind of rude."

 

[Jjs: I think that is the smartest thing to come out of Seth's mouth.]

[Hayden: This is the most I've liked Seth since his horrendous relationship with Heather began. Oh, that Mark plot got introduced, I have a feeling I'll be back to hatred soon enough.]

 

"They're fine," Jake said. "He was kind of weird. It's not like we're saying it to his face. And it's not our fault he's not trying to make friends."

 

[JCM: Yeah, screw him for being different!]

 

"We could be his friends, though," Seth said.

 

"Who says we want to be?" Jake said indignantly. "He's a fucking loser."

 

[Jjs: Look, Jake said FUCKING! SO MUCH EDGINESS!]

[Hayden: Is 70s jumping back and forth between making Jake mature and a repugnant immature douchebag? You can't have it both ways here.]

 

"Jake! What's wrong with you?" Jackie said.

 

"I just think Seth needs to learn to shut his mouth if he doesn't want to lose it."

 

"I think you need to do the same," Seth said. He stood up and punched Jake in the face.

 

[Jjs: I'm not sure who to root for here. Seth has become pedophile bait, and now Jake is back to his dickhead self. Riffers, who do you root for?]

[Hayden: Called it! TEAM SETH! Then again, since he's so adamant about this David guy, I can only assume they enter a homosexual relationship. 70s still needs to do one with two guys after all to cross it off his check list.]

[Clappy: Can I root for neither of these teams?]

[JCM: I put money on both of them because I'm sneaky like that.]

[Trophy: BUY YOUR SETH T SHIRTS!]

 

~~~

 

Anna returned to the apartment after a day of sight seeing (a failed attempt at getting her mind off of Molly). She went to lay down on the couch when she noticed a note on the table.

 

I have her.

 

And that was it. Three words. 'I have her'. 

 

[Jjs: ALL YOUR MORRIGANS ARE BELONG TO US!]

[Hayden: Well that was a slow ass ransom note to get sent out. They didn't even write down any demands.]

 

She knew what it meant. But who was it from? It was times like this she wished she knew more about Molly.

 

[JCM: Molly couldn't have that, though, because of her god complex.]

[Hayden: Wouldn't your first instinct be Rainn? God, why is this character being written so dumbed down? You can still have a character make intelligent inferences even if the Morrigan is a new concept to her.]

[Clappy: I think I’m going to figure out more about this….BY SINGING….oh wait, this isn’t a musical.]

 

~~~

 

Seth was repeatedly punching Jake in the face.

 

[Jjs: The best thing Seth has done in this entire spin-off, next to his amazing line from episode 24.]

 

Morgan rushed over, and pulled him off.

 

[JCM: Well, that was a pretty one-sided fight.]

 

"Seth, what the hell?" she said.

 

"I'm leaving," Seth said.

 

[Trophy: I KNEW SETH WOULD WIN!]

 

"Where?" Jackie said. "I'll go with you."

 

"Home. Stay away," he walked away.

 

[Hayden: Yeah, screw off Jackie, nobody wants to be around YOU.]

[Clappy: Not even Bryan…oh wait….]

[JCM: Wait, Seth can just leave after knocking some guys' teeth out? Bikini Top High School is really freakin' lenient about fighting.]

 

Jake stood up to go to the bathroom and clean himself up, and rinse off some of the blood. He saw David was in there, crying. He walked away, and decided to go to the nurse instead.

 

[Jjs: 

]

[Hayden: "EW I CAN'T BE IN THE SAME BATHROOM AS DAVID, THEN I'LL LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LOSER...oh wait I already am one."]

[Trophy: Just why am I still here through this?]

 

~~~

 

Glinda got back up.

 

[Jjs: Please get back down.]

[JCM: Booo.]

 

"Did it work?" she asked.

 

"Yep," said Dora. "Hi there. Thanks for giving me my life back and all. Even though you kind of were the one who took it in the first place... thanks anyways."

 

"Not a problem at all," Glinda smiled.

 

"So... you're a witch," Hersht said. "I think you could really help us in killing Astenias."

 

"Indeed I could," said Glinda. "Bryan, go home. This is none of your concern."

 

"But--"

 

"Go home."

 

[JCM: Man, you really know how to make a guy feel welcome!]

 

And so he did.

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #4.]

[Hayden: He's The Chosen. All of this is his concern. You're the one who dragged him out to do all of this nonsense in the first place. Oh well, guess we needed a way to get Bryan back to his fascinating life of secret Jex plots with Jackie.]

 

~~~

 

The woman who was holding Molly captive was sitting on the couch in her apartment. Suddenly, the (human version of) Rainn was standing next to her.

 

[Hayden: I think there's a grammar flaw right there but I'm too lazy to fix it.]

 

"Kara..." he said. "You've done an excellent job."

 

[Jjs: 10/10 would bang.]

[JCM: 7/10 would take out to a nice dinner.]

[Hayden: Again, it took you an entire week to visit your sister Kara and the captured Molly? What were you doing in the meantime?]

[Trophy: No details on how they got her? Fuck you too then.]

 

"Thank you, brother," said Kara. "We'll make her pay for what she did to mother and father."

 

[Clappy: By having a lesbian/Morrigan three way?]

 

"Yes we will."

 

[Jjs: So I guess instead of explaining how Molly killed their parents, 70s continues to be his vague self. Pointless Scene #5.]

[Hayden: Oh look, that scene didn't give us anything we didn't already know. But thanks for using a short scene that advances nothing to spell it out for us.]

 

~~~

 

("Away From Me" by Puddle of Mudd [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Hayden: Uh oh, a Seather scene, I definitely want THAT to get away from me.]

[JCM: Thanks for warning me. Goodbye!]

 

Seth walked into the house to find Heather and Mark kissing on the couch.

 

[Jjs: Ohai Mark.]

[Hayden: Seth is having a rough day.]

 

"What the hell?" he shouted. "What the HELL are you doing?"

 

[Clappy: Fucking your MILF.]

 

"Seth..." Heather said. "I--"

 

"I don't want to hear it," Seth said. He walked towards the couch, and punched Mark in the face. "Get out of this house."

 

[JCM: You really like punching people in the face, don't you? Okay, now I'm gone for real.]

[Hayden: Didn't we do this song and dance with Trevor and Naomi in the very chapter before this?! Maybe that's the musical element 70s was referring to for this chapter.]

 

"That's not your decision to make, boy."

 

[Hayden: "Yeah boy, let us professional adults get back to our love making and leave us in peace. Go play with your Legos and your Pokemanz and let the real man handle this fine thang."]

 

"I said get out. Do you want to see what will happen if you don't do what I said? Because I REALLY don't think you do!"

 

[Hayden: ACTIVATE SETH RAGE MODE!]

 

"Seth--" Heather said.

 

"Shut the fuck up!" Seth yelled. "You, out! I want to talk to MY girlfriend!"

 

[Clappy: This is almost as hilariously awesome as SOF threatening 70s in the last chapter of ATTWL 3.]

 

Mark got up, and Seth shoved him toward the door.

 

[Trophy:

]

 

"Seth..." Heather said again. "I don't even know what to--"

 

"I'm done," Seth said. "I'm going to stay with Bryan for a few days. Have fun by yourself. If I find out he was over here, he's dead."

 

He walked out, and slammed the door.

 

[Jjs: FINALLY! YES, FUCKING FINALLY! Oh, this is lazy. This is lame. This is by far 70s' most of nowhere twist yet. It really is. BUT AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE TO SEE HEATHER BANG SETH ANYMORE! HALLELUJAH! Anyways, WASN'T THIS A MUSICAL? I am not reading one more piece of this shit until I get a musical, dammit!]

[Clappy: Until they get back together a few episodes later. I’m calling it.]

[Hayden: So is Bryan cool with that already? Meh, whatever. I'd love to say this is Seather's end....but chances are this is unresolved and Seth will throw another pissy fit at Mark in one of the upcoming chapters.]

[JCM: Glad that's over. Now for the final stretch!]

 

~~~

 

Anna was tired of worrying about Molly, and she felt somewhat worried and somewhat relieved after reading the note. She knew what she had to do to stop worrying. She went to a karaoke bar (where, for some reason, no one questioned her age) and decided to sing.

 

[Clappy: Oh what a relief. My forced lesbian Morrigan girlfriend is captured. I’m going to the karaoke bar to celebrate.]

[Hayden: Relieved that your girlfriend is in the hands of her evil siblings? Perhaps you haven't figured that part out yet and are twice as dumb as I had figured already. Also, no age questioning, a plot hole is still a plot hole even if you point it out.]

[Jjs: "for some reason" I guess 70s spared us the trouble of riffing it for him.]

 

Once she got up on the stage, she was nervous. Everyone's eyes were on her.

 

She decided to sing "Sing" by My Chemical Romance [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks6Kiw_PuyI ].

 

[Jjs: YES, FINALLY! THE MUSICAL PART KICKS IN!]

[Hayden: AW YEAH MAN, THIS IS ABOUT TO GET SICK, ALL OF THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER WILL BE SINGING NOW!]

[Trophy: Not an end montage... WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?]

 

"Sing it out

 

[JCM: No.]

 

Boy you've got to see what tomorrow brings..." she sang lightly. It was in-tune, but she didn't sound very confident. Those around her looked bored.

 

She stood there for a second, then decided to continue.

 

[Clappy: You know, if no one is interested in your song, than why should you keep continuing? Oh wait, this is going to be the magic that is Bikini Top and everyone will finish applauding her to rub her ego.]

[JCM: Lovin' the copyright infringement!]

 

"Girl you've got to be what tomorrow needs

For every time that they want to count you out

Use your voice every single time you open up your mouth..." she sang, this time louder, but she was still nervous. She took her mind completely off of Molly and all the troubles she had experienced lately, and just thought of singing, and doing the best she could to sing.

 

She started belting out the song.

 

[Jjs: I remember Anna liked to sing in Season 1...holy crap, did 70s actually touch on something that was previously established instead of making something up as he goes along? Wow.]

 

"Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart

Sing it till you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts

Sing it for the deaf

Sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

Sing it out

Boy they're gonna sell what tomorrow means

Sing it out

Girl before they kill what tomorrow brings

You've got to, make a choice if the music drowns you out

Raise your voice every single time they try and shut your mouth

Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart

Sing it till you're nuts

Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts

Sing it for the deaf

Sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

Cleaned up, corporation progress

Dying in the process

Children that can talk about it

Living on the webways

People moving sideways

Sell it till your last days

Buy yourself the motivation

Generation nothing,

Nothing but a dead scene

Product of a white dream

I am not the singer that you wanted, but a dancer

I refuse to answer, talk about the past, sir

Wrote it for the ones who want to get away.

Keep running

Sing it for the boys, sing it for the girls

Every time that you lose it sing it for the world

Sing it from the heart

Sing it till you're nuts

Singing out for the ones that'll hate your guts

Sing it for the deaf

Sing it for the blind

Sing about everyone that you left behind

Sing it for the world, sing it for the world

You've got to see what tomorrow brings

Sing it for the world

Sing it for the world

Girl, you've got to be what tomorrow needs

Sing it for the world

Sing it for the world!"

 

[Jjs: Did 70s just plagiarize the song? I don't feel like checking. Makes you wonder why he just didn't say "Molly sang My Chemical Romance" like in 31 then instead of copy/pasting. Oh right...padding.]

[Clappy: To answer your question Jjs, he did plagiarize the song. But 70s plagiarized his life, so I wouldn’t put anything against him at this rate.] 

[Hayden: He did up at the top. Yippee. For once I was able to see the lyrics since I never click his stupid videos. I'm glad he went through the effort of copying/pasting just for me.]

 

Everyone around her stood up and clapped and cheered, and for the first time in a week she felt carefree and happy.

 

[Clappy: Except Molly who probably dies by the next installment…it wouldn’t surprise me at this rate.]

[Hayden: Did that song save Molly? Oh, she's still being beaten and tormented? GOOD JOB ANNA, SOMEONE'S TOTALLY NOT USELESS!]

 

SONG FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"Dammit" by blink-182

"Take a Picture" by Filter

"The Fight Song" by Marilyn Manson

"Away From Me" by Puddle of Mudd

"Sing" by My Chemical Romance (performed by Anna)

 

[Jjs: WAIT WHAT, THAT'S IT?! NO NO...this can't be it?! Where's the other songs?!]

[Hayden: That might have been even less songs than a normal episode.]

[Trophy: What did I read? I WAS PLANNING ON SONG RIFFS AND EVERYTHING YOU BASTARD!]

 

---

 

So... thoughts? Reviews always appreciated. 

 

[Jjs: Well, even if I was lied to that this wasn't a musical (which I am still getting up someone's ass for), the episode itself was just boring, and made me hate these "characters" even more. What a piece of shit, I can't even...this might be one of my least favorite episodes yet. Can we go back to Season 1 now? Sure, it was bad, but it was nowhere near as bad as this.]

[Hayden: You're right, every character was more insufferable than usual. That, or after a two week break I need to get used to how awful they are again. At least we have that angel David now to guide us towards the light.]

[Clappy: I didnt even need to read the last few episodes I missed to know that this was going to be an awful episode. You are really pushing me to put this higher on my Bottom 10 spin-offs of all time since I think it’s safe to say that this is now on there. This second season is simply brutal compared to the first.]

[JCM: I agree with you guys. This episode sucked, and it makes me even more pessimistic than before about the outcome of the overall story. The fact Molly goes to the trouble of turning herself and Anna into humans to protect themselves, but ends up getting found by the other Morrigans anyway renders the entire move to New York City useless, and it seems like something 70s thought up as "Hey! Wouldn't it be cool if I made part of the cast human?" with no regard to how necessary it would be to actual plot. Anna could sing at a nightclub while her girlfriend gets tortured just as easily underwater as she could on land, but we wouldn't have to go through nearly as much ridiculous crap to get there. The Bryan-is-the-chosen-one nonsense seems like an excuse to give Bryan something to do, but he hasn't really done anything as the chosen one yet except turn into a tree and stab one of his helper vamps in the chest. I'm sure he'll magically develop special abilities later on and become Super-Bryan!, but until then, I don't expect to see a lot from him. Glinda the Witch is basically a Mary Sue at this point. She can cast spells to render vampires immobile and bring people back from the dead, yet she needs help from "the chosen one" to fight the vampires because...

 

This season of Bikini Top has gone off the rails, thanks in part to these supernatural additions. While the spin-off was far from perfect as a regular high school drama, it was much more tolerable than it is now, and I don't see it getting much better from here.]

 

Epilogue:

 

*Jjs is seen walking into the Riffing Theater studios, and goes to an office with several people inside*

 

Jjs: Guys, what the hell are you trying to pull?

Producer #1: What do you mean?

Jjs: You guys promised me this one was a musical, and it only had one song at the end! I had a great song riff planned and everything.

Producer #2: We are sorry sir, but with a title like "Sing", we just assumed. And let's face it, none of us were going to go back and read this pile of shit.

Jjs: Touche. But you said 31 was a musical, and it wasn't, but I let it pass. Now you fooled me twice, that's twice too many! 41 better be a musical, or your asses are out of here! *exits*

Producer #1: It will be...it is a musical, right?

Producer #2: Uh oh.

*Trophy appears just because*

Trophy: Yeah I'm sure, but uh, I wish it wasn't honestly. *gulps* Well good luck with the future pornfest of songs.

[Wumbo]

Honestly, if the way he writes a musical is copy-pasting from a lyrics website, I'm glad there was only one song.

[SG19]

Honestly, if the way he writes a musical is copy-pasting from a lyrics website, I'm glad there was only one song.

Normally, false advertising bothers me, but in this case, I had a good reason not to be bothered by it.

[Metal Snake]

Another great riff. JCM's review at the end was really good, and kudos to Clappy for getting on 70s for his lack of research on witches. So let me recap. These witches can teleport, wipe mouths off, and now...resurrect the dead. My word, does 70s even know that the legends don't describe magicians as freaking gods like he's making them out to be? Does he even know that magicians were said to have gained their power by making pacts with "gods" and becoming their servants? Or that magic was said to be divided into classes mostly consisting of spells to either hurt or heal others and not bend reality itself? It would be fine if this was just a fantasy story, but it really is a valid criticism seeing that 70s was trying to incorporate all this into a slice-of-life story trying to be as realistic as possible.

[So Sejima]

Another great riff. JCM's review at the end was really good, and kudos to Clappy for getting on 70s for his lack of research on witches. So let me recap. These witches can teleport, wipe mouths off, and now...resurrect the dead. My word, does 70s even know that the legends don't describe magicians as freaking gods like he's making them out to be? Does he even know that magicians were said to have gained their power by making pacts with "gods" and becoming their servants? Or that magic was said to be divided into classes mostly consisting of spells to either hurt or heal others and not bend reality itself? It would be fine if this was just a fantasy story, but it really is a valid criticism seeing that 70s was trying to incorporate all this into a slice-of-life story trying to be as realistic as possible.

He could've just made one sentence saying about the laws of stuff underwater are different because it's in a parallel universe or something, then it would be fine with me. Just one sentence needed, wow.

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

31. Express Yourself

32. Pray For You

33. Under My Bed

34. The Chosen

35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots

36. Sing

 

37. Strength:

Spoiler

S2E17 (37) - Strength:

 

[Jjs: SPIN-OFF USED STRENGTH! We'll see if it was very effective.]

[Hayden: What Past!70s sees as strengths are usually weaknesses, so I'm going to keep my expectations low, low as in -1,000.]

 

Previously on Bikini Top... Spring break time was over, and it was time for the kids of Bikini Top to get back to school (they go to school?).

 

[Metal Snake: ...Yes. I never forgot that they went to school, and I’m the reader, not the writer…]

[Jjs: Wait, they go to school?]

[Hayden: He's more self aware than we realized....oh wait his re-craps are back, never mind.]

[JCM: This spin-off is as much about school as it is about SpongeBob nowadays, so I'm not surprised.]

 

Well, everyone but Bryan, Anna, and Molly. Bryan was going for his first kill as the Chosen... but it was Hersht, Dora, Jordin, and Brenda. Glinda decided to work with them to bring down Astenias. There's a new kid, David, at school, and he is silent and shy. This detaches him from the rest of the student body, and when Naomi talks about him behind his back and Jake joins in, Seth attacks Jake for virtually no reason.

 

[Metal Snake: Being an asshole is virtually no reason for someone to get mad, I’ve heard it all.]

[Hayden: Jake is a completely innocent little snowflake in the ordeal, also let's forget Morgan was also talking behind David's back.]

 

Both of them are incredibly angry when before, they were not. After the fight, Seth immediately goes home to find Heather kissing her ex-husband Mark. He threatens the two of them, and says he'll be staying with Bryan. Heather seems shocked by his violent behavior. Anna has been looking for Molly, who has been taken captive by her sister Kara and her brother Rainn, who claim Molly killed their parents and will pay for it.

 

[JCM: If your definition of "looking for Molly" is "singing at a karaoke bar".]

 

"Hello, class," said the English teacher, Mr. Harris.

 

[Metal Snake: Hm? No fish pun in his name? Thank God. I wonder if Mr. Harris could escape the name puns if he was a teacher for a school of anthropomorphic bunnies, though. Heh heh.]

[Hayden: Now I'm wondering what would happen if Past!70s was on a bunny fansite and wrote this drivel with rabbits instead of fish.]

 

Of course, no one replied. They were having their own conversations, uninterested in what the teacher had to say until the bell rang.

 

Buzz!

 

[Metal Snake: ...Buzz? I thought the bell rang. Is it a beehive all of a sudden?]

[Jjs: Did the scene timer go off again?]

[Hayden: Bees can't swim...then again fish can't turn into humans.]

 

The bell rang,

 

[Metal Snake: Again? Either the bell is broken or Past!70s’ memory is, because that was completely redundant.]

[JCM: The bell rings twice because the students are as slow as Past!70s thinks his readers are.]

 

and (most of) the students stopped talking and looked towards Mr. Harris, who was waiting patiently for silence.

 

"Hello," he repeated.

 

[Jjs: Yo.]

[JCM: Goodbye.]

 

"Hello, Mr. Harris," the class said in a droll tone.

 

[Mr. Harris: Aww, the kids are talking just like me.  ]

[Hayden: Well aren't you all a bunch of dick bags, is that any way to show enthusiasm for learning? You should all be happy to be in high school since you all thrive off drama.]

 

Naomi was half-asleep, just barely listening to what Mr. Harris was saying to the class. She really disliked English -- well, she really disliked most of her classes, but English most of all, because it was the first class of the day, and so she was very tired throughout.

 

[Metal Snake: “It’s because of me that English sucks! You see why I hate it?!”]

[Hayden: Aw, poor tired Naomi, I hope she sleeps with the fishes soon.]

 

She spaced out for a while until she heard, "Naomi Duncan, you will be paired with David Effner for the project."

 

[JCM: WTF-ner?]

 

"Excuse me?" she said.

 

[Metal Snake: Oh sweet, Naomi is Temperance’s replacement. Excuse me while I groan.]

[Hayden: Congratulations Naomi, you just got paired with the only good character, somehow your awfulness will still ruin the partnership scenes though.]

 

"I think you heard what I said," he replied.

 

[Jjs: It's Naomi, so probably not.]

 

She sighed, and laid her head on her desk.

 

[Metal Snake: And do that too.]

[JCM: I wish I had a desk to lay my head on. For the rest of eternity.]

[Jjs: I really really hope David kills Naomi now.]

[Hayden: #BitchProblems]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lzqRVuRqN0 ]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PDJcw9oJt0 ]

 

("I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

Heather woke up to the sound of her alarm clock. She turned it off, and got out of bed.

 

[Jjs: Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs. It's too bad Friday wasn't released when this was written.]

 

While she was getting ready for the day ahead of her, she couldn't help but think about Seth's behavior the day before. He was angry... angry like she'd never seen him.

 

[JCM: SETH SMASH.]

[Metal Snake: “Was it because of what happened yesterday? Nah, can’t be. I’m sure Seth’s walked in on people having sex before!”]

[Hayden: People get angry when you cheat on them?]

 

Seth was usually such a gentleman. So sweet, and caring, and gentle (albeit raunchy when things got naughty).

 

[JCM: *plugs his ears* La la la I'm not listening!]

[Metal Snake: Uh...you don’t have to be Max Gilardi to be raunchy when things get naughty. We’re all like that. ;D]

[Hayden: A raunchy sex maniac gentleman who bangs older women despite being in high school, who could have imagined he had any issues?]

 

It frightened her that he was that angry... was it really him? Was that her first glimpse of the REAL Seth? Was the Seth she had fallen in love with simply a facade? She'd rather think he wasn't, but she was having her doubts.

 

[Metal Snake: Ugh...there’s a simple explanation. He was just pissed because he saw you…]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twRIdbAZlw0 ]

 

Of course, she shouldn't be the one questioning him, and she knew that with all her heart. She cheated on him with her ex-husband... not great behavior.

 

[JCM: You don't say?]

[Metal Snake: ...Yeah. Case closed. Now can this boring monologue end-]

 

She questioned it... why did she do it? She and Mark were catching up for a while

 

[Metal Snake: *buries face in hands* God damn it.]

[Hayden: There's a very simple answer to your long winded inner struggle.....something about Jex with men your age just feels more natural, amirite?]

 

-- and she was actually quite annoyed a him throughout the conversation, since he was his usual pompous self -- and then he just kissed her, and she kissed him back.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: quite annoyed at him]

[Metal Snake: ...Huh. He was being nothing but irritating...and a kiss out of the blue made up for it. Makes perfect sense in 70siverse.]

[JCM: So does the phrase "quite annoyed a him", apparently.]

[Hayden: They had a conversation?]

 

Perhaps it was just because they were married before, they had a history. He was... familiar, while Seth was completely new territory. But she knew that she didn't love Mark. Seth was the one she loved.

 

[Metal Snake: That’s why I cheated on him! Because I was kissed by a jerk I don’t love! Excellent logic!]

[Hayden: It's easier to be with someone familiar that you hate than with someone new that you love who will get you arrested and publicly shunned......maybe this woman should just buy a lot of catfish instead of going through a mid life love triangle.]

 

If she really knows Seth, that is.

 

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #1. What was the point of this scene, seriously?]

[Hayden: What was the point of reiterating that last line, seriously?]

[JCM: What was the point of this spin-off, seriously?]

 

~~~

 

("Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

Brenda and Hersht were on their way back from hunting.

 

[Jjs: With the equipment they got from the new Cabela's in Bikini Top.]

 

"I think I'm ready to go home..." Brenda said. "I can't imagine how worried Tristan and Mikayla must be. I really should be getting back to them to let them know I'm okay."

 

[Hayden: They're about as worried as Mikayla is about college and Tristan was about his wife's cancer.]

[JCM: Assuming they haven't already forgotten you exist.]

[Metal Snake: Heh heh, I can imagine…

*Mikayla is half-asleep on the couch in the living room and Tristan steps in from the kitchen*

Tristan: Hey Mikayla, you seen Brenda anywhere?

Mikayla: What are ya talkin’ about. She’s dead. Remember?

Tristan: Oh… Hey, you seen Temperance anywhere?

Mikayla: Hmm? Oh yeah, she had to go somewhere for three months because of her cancer, or something.

Tristan: Wow, I’m sure glad you have a great memory, Mikayla!

Mikayla: Mmm, thanks Mitchell.]

 

"You can't."

 

"Oh really? And why not?"

 

"Because, Brenda, you're not ready."

 

[Metal Snake: Come back when you have collected everything in the Dragon Kingdom.]

[Hayden: Come on Hersht, the worst that can happen is her killing off two more characters contributing nothing to the story.]

 

"I'm completely ready, Hersht," said Brenda. "I have total self-control. With Bryan yesterday... there was no desire to kill him."

 

[JCM: There was a desire to have sex with him, but that's just because she's a creepy old woman.]

[Hayden: You mean Glinda? Meh, actually it's possible Tori and Brenda will go down Heather's route at some point since Past!70s loves beating the same plot to death.]

 

"That's because you feared him," Hersht said. "You could easily hurt your family, or someone else, if you go back home, back into society."

 

"Well, no offense to you, Jordin, or Dora, but I miss talking to people. Of course I talk to you guys, but it's all 'Astenias this' and 'Astenias that' instead of... conversations.

 

[Metal Snake: Uh, what? No, that is not how it works. Just because you dislike what their conversation is about does not mean it isn’t a conversation.]

[JCM: What do you expect people being hunted by a dangerous vampire to talk about? The weather?]

[Hayden: Brenda wants to gossip about vampire boys. But really, she has a slight point, the only time we ever see these characters they yap on about Astenias and do nothing about the situation, what do they do in their spare time?]

[Jjs: They go hunting, remember Hayden? They get very thirsty.]

 

It's all plans and worries, and I miss real interactions instead of strategical planning. I need to go home."

 

[Metal Snake: That was the most confusing thing I have ever read. It’s all plans and worries...and you miss interactivity...rather than plans. Thus you need to go home. I feel like I’m reading a poorly worded argument on an internet forum…]

[Hayden: Her boring one note dialogue with Tristan and Mikayla is what she calls real interactions?]

 

"Do you want to kill your family?"

 

[JCM: Yes! Why else would she want to see them?]

[Hayden: No, she wants to talk about the weather with them.]

 

"Of course not!" Brenda insisted. "I won't."

 

"You can't be sure of that."

 

[Metal Snake: Does this look UNSURE to you?!]

[Jjs:  ]

[Hayden: Ah repetition, classic way to extend a scene.]

 

"But I am."

 

"I won't let you..."

 

[JCM: There you go! Put her in her place like a real man!]

[Hayden: Hersht, we get it, you're jealous of Tristan and want to bang Brenda, go kill him yourself, that should resolve the whole thing quite nicely.]

 

"Is this maybe, something else?" Brenda asked. "I mean, beyond you wanting to protect others from me? Like... you have feelings for me?"

 

Hersht turned hostile.

 

[Metal Snake: Great adjective to describe a character who’s hardcore about not wanting to hurt others.]

 

"No, of course I don't! That's ridiculous!"

 

[Jjs: *ridonculous]

 

"Because I'm so revolting?"

 

[JCM: Yes.]

[Metal Snake: Well you are rebelling against him.]

 

"No, you're beautiful..."

 

[Jjs: I'm disappointed now "You're Beautiful" didn't play for this scene.]

 

Brenda stood there.

 

"You're..."

 

"I'm?"

 

[Metal Snake: “What?”

“I don’t know.”

“Please help me.”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t know which one of us is talking.”

“I’m lost now.”

“Damn it.”]

[JCM: She's.]

[Hayden: "....pregnant with my vampire baby?"]

 

"Forbidden."

 

"I'm forbidden?"

 

[Metal Snake: Brenda is an illegal substance now, it seems.]

[Hayden: She is the forbidden fruit, his temptress that leads him astray from his one divine purpose. Oh GOD, do I sound like Temperance?]

[Jjs: That kind of talk is forbidden in the vampire kingdom! Stake Hersht at once!]

 

"You're married, Brenda. Even if I had feelings for you, you wouldn't... couldn't reciprocate those feelings."

 

"So you're saying you don't have any feelings for me?"

 

There is a long pause.

 

[JCM: Oh look, a random tense change.]

[Metal Snake: Many hours later…]

[Hayden: Is there a reason this matters so much to you Brenda? My cheating senses are tingling.]

[Jjs: I wish this spin-off could remain paused.]

 

"Yes, that's what I'm saying," he says, staring at the ground beneath them.

 

"Look me in the eyes."

 

[Metal Snake: CAN YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYES?]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BirIEDYrw0Y ]

 

"What?"

 

"Look me in the eyes and say that."

 

Hersht stared Brenda right in the eyes.

 

[Metal Snake: And then Brenda “compelled” him into loving her.]

[JCM: We're back to the past...tense, I mean.]

 

Brenda looked into his eyes as well, and noticed the uncertainty in them.

 

"I..." he said. "I..."

 

"My point exactly," Brenda said. "Now, I'm sorry. But today, I'm going home."

 

[Hayden: Brenda used Attract! It was super effective!]

[Hersht: Wow, that was an amazing argument she made about why she should go ho- Hey, wait a minute!]

[Jjs: No vampire romance? Boo! Oh well, I'm sure it'll happen sooner or later.]

 

~~~

 

("Touch My Body" by Mariah Carey [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[JCM: No.]

[Hayden: Typical JCM, saving himself for marriage.]

 

Jackie was falling asleep in French...

 

[Metal Snake: You can fall asleep in different languages?]

[Hayden: Totally, this one time I fell asleep in Spanish and woke up in Spain the next day, it was crazy man.]

 

she already knew it. She didn't need to hear the teacher drone on and on about a language she knew. And then she completely dozed off.

 

[Hayden: Smarmy little know it all, between being a parent and making multiple bad life decisions, when did you have time to magically retain an entire language?]

[Jjs: Like I said before, you know things are getting bad when even the characters are getting bored of the spin-off.]

 

"Hey," Bryan said to her. He was at her house.

 

She said nothing.

 

[bryan: Uh, hello? Anybody there?]

 

She pressed her mouth against his, and the two of them kissed for a long time. Bryan sweeped

 

[JCM: *swept]

 

her into his arms, and dropped her onto her couch, jumping on top of her and kissing her once more.

 

[Metal Snake: Ooh, looks like Jackie’s having a wet dream in class. I hope she enjoys the teacher’s reaction when he sees the mess in her pants.]

 

While they were still kissing, Bryan took off his shoes and socks, his jacket, then his shirt, and then his belt, and eventually his jeans. He was in just his boxer briefs,

 

[Metal Snake: “Boxers or briefs? Fear not if you can’t decide, for the age-long question has finally been answered my friend! Just buy our brand new boxer briefs from Jackie Co.!”]

 

passionately kissing Jackie.

 

Jackie removed the scrunchie from her hair,

 

[JCM: That was an important detail to include in a sex scene.]

[Hayden: Loose fish hair, very sexy.]

 

then her shirt and pants.

 

They continued kissing, both in nothing but their undergarments. Bryan placed his fin on Jackie's breast.

 

Jackie's fin wandered down to Bryan's underwear, and began pulling them off

 

[Metal Snake: Pulling them off? Is Bryan wearing three pairs of underwear right now?]

 

while Bryan took off her bra.

 

[Hayden: Fish boobies, damn Past!70s, stop turning me on so much.]

[Jjs: I like to read that as Bryan took off his bra, and that he is a girl now. Wouldn't that be a twist?]

 

Buzz!

 

[Jjs: Either the scene timer went off once again or they really need to get rid of a beehive.]

[JCM: All of this onomatopoeia is ono-not appealing.]

 

Jackie woke up to see the rest of the class leaving. She wiped the drool from her mouth and the sweat from her forehead, gathered her things, and left, thinking about the dream she'd just had.

 

[Metal Snake: And Jackie gets another scene of pure filler, wouldn’t you know.]

[JCM: This episode isn't the only thing getting filled, if you know what I mean.  ]

[Jjs: Of course the time Past!70s decides to write a scene for Jackie again, it turns out to be a sex tape gone wrong. Wonderful.]

 

~~~

 

It was finally time to leave school, to everyone's great relief. Naomi approached David at his locker on her way to her boatmobile.

 

[Metal Snake: Pretty long way to your boatmobile…]

[Hayden: Wow, she graced David with her presence first, how generous of her.]

 

"Hey," she said.

 

"Hello," he said to her.

 

Naomi was surprised at how easy it was for him to talk to her... he was usually completely silent. "So, we need to do this project. After school tomorrow, do you want to meet at the Smoothie Shack?"

 

[Metal Snake: “You can work on the project while I’m on snack duty!”]

[Hayden: "No you buffoon, we'll spill smoothies all over our papers, that's a terrible idea."]

[Jjs: Please don't tell me this is going where I think it is.]

 

David looked dumbfounded.

 

[Hayden: OMG, David sees what we all see. Now don't screw it up like Seth did.]

 

"Oh, that's like a hangout here," Naomi said.

 

[JCM: Their only hangout that doesn't have a horrible fish pun in its name.]

 

"Ah," said David.

 

[Metal Snake: “Oh, I get it now! For a second there, I thought you meant it was a shack that serves smoothies! UH HUH HUH HUH!”]

 

"Well, that sounds great. You'll just need to pick me up, if that's okay."

 

[JCM: Bad idea.]

[Hayden: "I'll text you the details, meet me in a dark alley tonight at 2 AM and we'll go from there."]

 

"Sure," Naomi said immediately.

 

David wrote down his address on a piece of paper and handed it to Naomi.

 

[JCM: Bad idea.]

[Hayden: I agree, don't let that bitch know where you live, she might show up looking for crack.]

 

She tucked it into her purse and smiled at him.

 

[Naomi: “Fool...now I know WHERE YOU LIVE! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!”]

 

"See you then," said David. He started to walk away.

 

Naomi had seen a completely different David than the tall, awkward, skinny one that she had seen before. This David had a completely toned body with fantastic hair and a face that she could stare at all day.

 

[JCM: Bad idea!]

[Metal Snake: So this former hatred you had for him was all because of his physical appearance…

 

…]

[Naomi: "OH NO, HE'S HOT!"]

 

She stared at his butt as he walked away, and noticed it was glorious as well.

 

[JCM: AUGH!]

[Metal Snake: …..]

[Hayden: Yeah, these characters are bipolar.]

 

She loved him. She wanted him. She needed him. Him and his amazing ass.

 

[Metal Snake: ………..Worst female spin-off character ever? Yes. WORST. FEMALE. SPIN-OFF. CHARACTER. EVER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL?! HOW THE HELL CAN ANYONE WANT TO ROOT FOR THIS SHALLOW, HEARTLESS, WHINY JEZEBEL?! Good freaking Christ, I actually kind of miss Temperance…]

[Jjs: What Metal Snake said. I'm not buying this relationship, nope, nada, not one bit. Next scene please.]

[Hayden: Is he magic too? Trust me bro, you don't want to attract Naomi's attention of all girls.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan was driving to Glinda's new apartment. She had told him to meet him after school,

 

[JCM: Which is totally still a thing.]

[Hayden: Bad idea.]

[Jjs: Oh no, that is the pedophile's number 1 way to lure their prey! Okay okay, fine, I'll stop with the pedophile jokes.]

[Pedophile Police Officer: Good, we're retiring from the force, since Seather is no longer a thing, and nothing dirty has happened with miss Glinda yet, so stop busting our balls jjs. Goodbye!]

[Jjs: Wait, NO, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! *cop car drives off in the distance* Dangit, our police squads just keep growing smaller.]

 

since he had to train. He parked in the parking lot, and was shocked to see a man and a woman dragging (a possibly dead) Molly into an apartment.

 

[Metal Snake: *whistling* Nothing to see here! Just a man and a woman with (a possibly dead) person coming through!]

[Hayden: So Kara and Rainn just happen to have their lair in the same place Glinda lives now.]

[Jjs: Even Kara and Rainn can't seem to make up their minds if they want to be on land or underwater.]

 

~~~

 

Rainn threw Molly's unconscious body against the wall.

 

[Metal Snake: Woah, a scene that correlates to the one before it? What work of those who practice magic is this?]

[Jjs: Yeah, you mean we're not saving this scene for later? Wow, I'm impressed.]

[Hayden: That will be one hell of a headache once she wakes up.]

 

Kara made chains appear out of thin air, and in seconds Molly was chained to the wall.

 

[JCM: That poor wall!]

[Jjs: The wall sadly knew too much JCM.]

 

"When do we kill her?" Rainn asked.

 

"Be patient."

 

[Metal Snake: Patience is a virtue for evil monsters.]

[Hayden: Take a tip or two from Astenias, master of bad guy patience.]

 

"I have been patient!"

 

"Silence."

 

Rainn was silent.

 

[Metal Snake: “Good. Behave, and maybe I’ll give you a treat.”]

[JCM: Whatever you did to Rainn, please do that to every other character on the show.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan ran into Glinda's apartment.

 

"We have a problem," he declared.

 

"What is it?"

 

"Molly Morrigan... or Molly the Morrigan..." Bryan said. "She's been captured."

 

[Metal Snake: I don’t believe it, these scenes are actually correlating with each other and showing some sort of cohesive storytelling… This goes beyond magic, it’s a divine miracle!]

[Jjs: Wow, maybe I won't have to use the Pointless Scene counter for once.]

[JCM: Wait until 70s ruins it next scene.]

 

"It must be Kara and Rainn," Glinda decided. "Where?"

 

"Just a few apartments over."

 

[Metal Snake: Don’t you mean a few doors down? Or are they what, three apartment structures away?]

 

"With me and you... we might have a shot."

 

"You sure?"

 

"No. But let's go."

 

[Metal Snake: “We don’t have a chance. But whatever, let’s get killed!”]

[Jjs: Bryan is an honorable knight now. What a brave man...or fish. Either way, it's a step-up from turning into a tree.]

 

~~~

 

Anna returned to her apartment. It was completely silent, something she'd grown accustomed to, to her dismay. She hadn't given up on searching for Molly... but she was only a teenaged girl. She didn't have a clue as to where she was. She didn't even know if she was still alive. She only knew someone had her.

 

[Metal Snake: Great deduction, Ace Detective Anna. Someone has her, probably over for dinner, I presume. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve assumed that she was kidnapped! Ha ha.]

[JCM: The streak continues! For once in my experience as a riffer, I feel optimistic!]

[Hayden: Where have you been searching? Did you go scuba diving or did you watch a broadway musical and call it a night?]

 

In a way, she blamed Molly for this. If Molly had told her more about herself, about being what she is, Anna might have more of an idea about where she was.

 

[Metal Snake: Hmph. Stupid Molly. Getting kidnapped while she could barely move. Seriously…]

[Hayden: No, somehow I don't think that would have changed the situation at all....]

[Jjs: I guess Anna forgot that reveal about Rainn from 5 episodes ago.]

 

Anna went to the kitchen table to find a DVD there, with a note next to it.

 

The clue you were looking for. Do your best. Be there to watch her die.

 

[JCM: As long as it's in HD.]

[Metal Snake: Okay, hold the phone. First of all, how does Kara/Rainn keep getting in here undetected? I know they can teleport and turn invisible, but is Anna so clueless that she doesn’t hear or sense her/him? Second, what is with these silly notes? “The clue you were looking for”? Yeah, Anna totally thought a movie would help her deduce Molly’s location. Though to be fair, she is Ace Detective Anna at the moment.]

[Hayden: Why do Kara/Rainn even care about Anna? Hell, why not just kidnap her too? FUCKING A.]

 

She put the DVD in the apartment's DVD player, to see a musical number from an animated film she was unfamiliar with.

 

The number was called "Under the Sea" (found at 

).

 

[JCM: No.]

[Jjs: Gee, I wonder what animated film this could be? WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.]

[Metal Snake: Stupid The Little Mermaid. Ripping off that song from that wonderful classic, “(found at )”.]

[Hayden: You mean to tell me Molly might be under the sea, the place where all this supernatural crap was happening in the first place? Oh hey wait, a not at all subtle song choice...Past!70s kidnapped Molly, THAT RAT BASTARD.]

 

It took her a while, but eventually, she understood.

 

[Anna: "Oh, I get it. They kidnapped her to watch The Little Mermaid! It all makes sense." Sadly, with how smart Anna is right now, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she thought that.]

 

She had to go back home to find Molly. But how?

 

She needed to find a witch.

 

[JCM: Which there are plenty of in New York City.]

[Metal Snake: ...Well good luck with that. Hope those Wiccans do you great service.]

[Hayden: Seriously Kara/Rainn, just torture her too and make her watch her girlfriend's death, this is a waste of time and sense.]

[Jjs: Wait, how does The Little Mermaid = Finding a witch? Ace Detective Anna really is one of a kind...]

 

~~~

 

Kara and Rainn were in the room, working out their next move. Well... Rainn was trying to figure out what Kara's next move would be, since she was in charge, and largely kept him out of the loop.

 

[Metal Snake: That can be a very good thing, especially if it’s one of those infinite time loops.]

[Jjs: I hope Rainn can tie his shoes then.]

 

"Shut up and just do what I say, or I'll kill you," Kara finally said.

 

[JCM: Sounds like a pretty good deal.]

[Hayden: "Right after I'm done not killing Molly."]

 

Rainn sat down on the floor... which was his only option, since the apartment was completely empty besides the chains that bound Molly to the wall.

 

[Metal Snake: Wow, what an exciting place to live in! I bet they have fun staring at the floor!]

[Hayden: Magically create a chair, I'm sure Morrigans have that power too.]

 

Suddenly, there was a turning of the doorknob.

 

[JCM: Lovin' the syntax, Edgar Allen Poe.]

 

"It can't be her girlie," Kara said. "So, I wonder..."

 

[Metal Snake: It could just be a neighbor or the landlord. Or the pizza delivery guy.]

[Hayden: If you know it isn't Anna, what is the point of your useless game with her?]

 

"The Chosen?" Rainn said.

 

"You idiot, there's no way it's the Chosen. It's some... normal. Some useless normal."

 

[Jjs: Rainn sure has a lot of strange assumptions, maybe that is why Kara keeps him out of the loop.]

[Metal Snake: A...normal? An adjective is trying to open the door?]

[JCM: At least he got the "useless" part right.]

[Hayden: Is it me?]

 

The doorknob continued to turn.

 

[Hayden: Find out next time if Bryan and Glinda can ever successfully open a door, HERE ON BIKINI TOP!]

[Jjs: Rainn and Kara will probably break the poor doorknob, it already knows too much.]

 

~~~

 

"It's locked," Glinda declared.

 

"Oh, come on, you're a WITCH!" Bryan protested.

 

"I didn't bring my spellbook. I don't know any unlocking incantations by heart..."

 

[Metal Snake: Wow, Wumbo was right. For every out-of-nowhere convenience, there’s an out-of-nowhere inconvenience. If Glinda needs to pull a spell out of her ass to advance the story, she does. But now that the story needs to move at a slower pace, she doesn’t. Beautiful.]

[JCM: Ever heard of a pick?]

 

~~~

 

"This is getting irritating!" Kara yelled.

 

[Metal Snake: Preach Kara, preach.]

[Jjs: The scenes are still correlating to each other? Wow, I'm impressed.]

 

"I agree, sister," Rainn said.

 

"Shut up!" she yelled at him. She stared at the door, and it disappeared.

 

[JCM: Remember, kids! Whenever you have a problem, just make it disappear with your eyes!]

[Hayden: *stares intensely at JCM* GODDAMNIT, WHY IS IT NOT WORKING?]

[Jjs: So now they are trapped inside the room. I have a feeling that will come back to bite them in the asses.]

 

"That's better," she said contently. "Now, I'm going to take a nap. You watch Molly."

 

[Metal Snake: Forget the revenge I’ve wanted all these years, I need my beauty sleep!]

 

She conjured a couch for herself, and lied down.

 

[Metal Snake: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Laid down.]

[Jjs: Wow, Kara must REALLY not care about this whole revenge plot if sleeping is more important than simply killing Molly already.]

 

"Bitch..." Rainn said.

 

[Hayden: She's not a female dog, she's a female fish.]

 

And then his mouth was gone.

 

[JCM: One big ol' happy family!]

[Metal Snake: So his mouth is just...gone like that. Details, please? Did she tear it off? Did she wipe it off? Did she take it off with a computer mouse and put it in a recycle bin?]

[Hayden: PLOT HOLE POLICE! Wouldn't Rainn have the power to get his mouth back? What happened to this character being menacing?]

[Jjs: If only they could make every other character's mouth disappear.]

 

~~~

 

"It's gone!" Bryan said. "That's wonderful."

 

"Damn!" Glinda said angrily.

 

"We have to save her!" Bryan said. He started pounding on the wall that was formerly the door.

 

[Metal Snake: BRYAN SMASH! BRYAN SMASH!]

[JCM: Use your tree powers, Bryan!]

 

~~~

 

There was suddenly a bunch of banging on the wall that echoed throughout the apartment.

 

[Jjs: Jackie will be upset to learn that Bryan cheated on her with a wall.]

 

"Ugh. This dump has such thin walls," Kara groaned groggily. She said something under her breath, and the sounds stopped.

 

[Kara *muttering under her breath*: Please stop making that noise, you adjectives. Thanks.]

 

Rainn just nodded in agreement, as it was all he could do.

 

[Hayden: So he's still a pansy, thanks for reminding us Past!70s.]

[JCM: Because he doesn't have a mouth! Ha!]

 

~~~

 

Bryan kept banging on the walls, but he noticed that it was making no noise.

 

[Metal Snake: You know, I just noticed something...what’s the point of these scene cuts? I mean, I do like how I feel like I’m actually reading a coherent story now without all the pointless cutaways, but we don’t need the scenes to be split up if everything in them is happening all at once.]

 

"Bryan, there's nothing more we can do," Glinda finally said. "It would be best for us to just go back to my apartment and train."

 

[JCM: Yeah, we're one Rocky montage short of an episode.]

[Hayden: Or go get the fucking spellbook and come back? Are we sure she's Glinda the good witch and not Glinda the selfish witch?]

 

"Can't we call the police?" Bryan asked.

 

"That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course not! What could they do? There's no door! And even if there was, those are gods in there."

 

[Metal Snake: First monsters, then witches, now gods. May as well put Skodwarde in this fic at this point.]

[Hayden: Morrigans are godlike? OMG GAIZ TEMPERANCE WILL COME BACK AS A MORRIGAN!]

 

"And I'm the Chosen! Which -- by the way -- is the cheesiest name ever! I slay these things! Why not call me the Slayer?"

 

[JCM: Because screw you, that's why!]

[Hayden: YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE YOUR NICKNAME, THAT'S WHY THE ONE WE GAVE YOU IS IRONIC!]

[Jjs: Bryan the Vampire Slayer?]

 

"Copyright reasons."

 

[Metal Snake: First it was sloppy writing, now it’s copyright issues. Well congrats on not having to worry about Joss Whedon getting on you if he ever finds out about this. However…

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Chosen_%28film%29

 

Jeremy Kagan may have something on you.]

[Jjs: Wait, huh? Was that really supposed to be a nod to Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Or is there some other powerful character in the spin-off called "Slayer"?]

 

"Oh, right," Bryan said. "But... I was chosen for this job. I have special abilities."

 

"No, you should have them," Glinda said.

 

[Metal Snake: He was chosen for this job even though he wasn’t qualified it for it. Makes perfect sense.]

 

"Until we start training, you will not. So the best and only thing for us to do is go train. Then you can get stronger."

 

[JCM: Or you can just go back and get your spellbook. No? We're not doing that? Okay.]

[Hayden: What doesn't bore you makes you stronger.]

 

"Fine," Bryan said. "Let's go."

 

[Jjs: Looks like Bryan needs more gems before he can access this level. While it was nice to see the scenes correlated to each other, unfortunately, the fact Bryan can't get in made them somewhat pointless. PADDING POLICE...oh wait, they retired too. God dammit.]

 

~~~

 

It was the following morning. Brenda woke up, and pretended not to notice Hersht looking at her intently.

 

[Metal Snake: *Hersht is lying on top of her as she wakes up*

 

Hersht: Good morning.]

[JCM: Aw, the streak is over.]

[Jjs: It was fun while it lasted. Maybe we'll get a streak of Brenda scenes now...on second thought, I hope not.]

 

She knew she was hurting him by leaving, no matter how much he denied it.

 

"I need to go," she said quietly to him, as not to wake Dora and Jordin.

 

"No, you can't."

 

"I'm not having this conversation again, Hersht," she told him. "I'm sorry."

 

[Metal Snake: Wow, even the characters are getting tired of this drab dialogue.]

 

And then she left.

 

[Hayden: Took you long enough.]

[Jjs: TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT, RIGHT KICK NOW WALKING BY YOURSELF.]

 

~~~

 

Heather

 

[JCM: NO]

[Jjs: ...on second thought, let's go back to Brenda's boring vampire scenes.]

 

was lying in bed when she heard the door open. She jumped up, terrified. She grabbed her curling iron and went to the door.

 

"A curling iron?" said Seth cynically.

 

[Metal Snake: Cynically? He’s doubting the good of humanity by pointing out that a curling iron’s a poor choice for a weapon?]

 

"Seth?" she said, and dropped the curling iron, kissing him.

 

[Metal Snake: Glad as I am Past!70s stopped using “impulsively” to describe the kissing scenes, Heather’s pretty quick to kiss him after he just broke into her house…]

[JCM: Heather and her husband aren't so different after all, it seems.]

[Narrator Hayden: "The still hot curling iron then proceeded to burn down the house and promptly kill them both. This has been a public service announcement on the dangers of curling irons underwater."]

[Jjs: NO NO NO DON'T BRING THEM BACK NOW! The Pedophile Police bailed on me!]

 

He pushed her away harshly. "I'm only here to get a textbook I need for school. I forgot it when I left."

 

"Oh..." she said. Shoulders slumped, she walked slowly back to her room, and sobbed softly.

 

[Jjs: Oh whew, thank goodness.]

[Metal Snake: “It’s not going to be easy to get back to sleep now…"  ]

[Narrator Hayden: "Thus Heather sank back into depression and began to ponder some more. The real Seth would never reject her for a textbook, clearly Seth was the awful person in the scenario, just carrying on a kindhearted facade. Perhaps the pompous Mark was the one for her after all".]

 

~~~

 

Jackie was sitting in class, thinking. She'd had yet another sex dream about Bryan the night before, and that time it didn't stop with them undressing.

 

[JCM: Skipping this section.]

 

There was full-on contact, and some serious adult language and content. And she loved it.

 

[Metal Snake: Jackie’s Dream. Rated R. Premiering tomorrow in Imax and 3-D.]

[Hayden: *puts down money for ticket at the counter and shifts eyes around nervously* Don't tell anyone I was here.]

 

But the dreams were unsettling. Bryan was just a one-time fling.

 

[Metal Snake: Pfft...lol. A one-time...FLING? She only liked Bryan because she was able to launch him a good distance?]

[Hayden: Your only connection to the plot isn't just a fling, he's your next baby daddy and "The Chosen".]

 

They were friends, and just that. Nothing more. But the thought that she had to keep telling herself that only unsettled her even more.

 

[Metal Snake: Maybe it would be easier to believe you were “just friends” if you didn’t fuck him. >.<]

[Hayden: Friends With Benefits....is a movie with Mila Kunis. Not sure what Jackie and Bryan are.]

 

She was determined to stay awake in class today. It would ensure no dreams of Bryan... except maybe a daydream or two, but those were easy to snap out of.

 

~~~

 

Naomi sat in class, scribbling on her notebook with hearts:

 

[JCM: I wonder what the contents of that notebook will be.]

 

David

David

David

David

David

David

David

David

David

LOVE

 

[JCM: How shocking.]

[Notebook: This comment has been flagged as spam.]

[Jjs: Oh no...no, please don't tell me NaomixDavid is canon...no, oh, what's the use? *sigh* Okay, bring it on.]

[Hayden: Awww NaomixSuperficialTraits is my OTP <3]

 

~~~

 

Jake and Morgan were driving home from school at the end of the day.

 

"Hey, I was thinking..." Morgan said.

 

"Yeah?"

 

[Jjs: "We need more furniture! I think this chair looks pretty nice."]

 

"Maybe you should apologize to Seth. He seems like he's having a tough time."

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah, apologize to Seth! Don’t feel any remorse for what you said about David though, who cares about him? Ha ha.]

[JCM: It's David's fault for being square! *flips hair*]

[Hayden: He's having a rough time with your mother Morgan, both in the bed and out.]

 

"Hell no."

 

"Why?"

 

"I'm not sorry."

 

[Metal Snake: You know, there really isn’t a point to the title “Worst Female Spin-off Character Ever” without a “Worst Male Spin-off Character Ever” title, Jake.  ]

 

~~~

 

Anna was thinking... where in the world would she find a witch?

 

[JCM: Just go to Kansas and get caught in a tornado, and your house will do the rest.]

[Jjs: I actually read that as "bitch". Worse than that, I actually believed it.]

[Hayden: A bitch is much more common to find in this spin-off than a witch.]

 

How would she go about finding one?

 

[Jjs: I'm still wondering how she got "witch" from The Little Mermaid.]

 

She knew this wasn't going to be easy.

 

[Metal Snake: Aaaaannnnnddddd, we’re back to unrelated scenes of filler. I knew our good troll Past!70s wouldn’t let us down.]

[Hayden: Well clearly we have to check on every character before the chapter ends to reiterate what they're all doing, even if it's nothing.]

[Jjs: Dangit, it was fun while it lasted. Pointless Scene #2.]

 

~~~

 

Molly opened her eyes.

 

"Oh, lookie!" Kara said. "She's awake."

 

[Metal Snake: Lookie, lookie, I got cookies!]

[Hayden: "Finally, we can only kill her when she's conscious, that's a Morrigan rule or some crap."]

 

Rainn nodded his head.

 

[JCM: "Yes, she is indeed awake. I can tell by her open eyes."]

 

"Have your mouth back," Molly managed to choke out. Rainn's mouth reappeared.

 

"You'll regret that," Kara said to her. A rope was immediately in her fins, and she started brutally lashing Molly with it.

 

[Metal Snake: How dare you grant my subordinate the ability to speak!]

[Hayden: Gee, I wonder if Rainn conveniently being treated like shit by Kara now is going to cause him to switch to Molly's side.]

 

Molly screamed at the top of her lungs.

 

[Jjs: I hope nobody in the other apartments can hear.]

 

"I love the sound of your screams," Kara said coolly. "Go ahead. Keep screaming. No one can hear. No one will ever hear you again."

 

[JCM: So you're in space!]

[Hayden: "The sound of your screams is almost as orgasmic as the sound of kicking puppies."]

[Guy from a Few Rooms Down *calling 911*: Yeah, I’d like to report domestic violence.]

 

~~~

 

Brenda arrived home.

 

Tristan stared at her blankly. "You're back."

 

"I'm back."

 

[JCM: She's back???]

[Jjs: In black.]

 

"Now there's just one question... where the fuck were you?"

 

[Metal Snake: “And we’re so happy to see you again, too!”]

[Jjs: She left you because of your blandness. How long was she gone anyways? Tristan could've assumed she was dead knowing the time jumps.]

[Hayden: "Busy trying to cure my cancer and mourning my dead daughter, both of which you didn't give two shits about."]

 

~~~

 

Naomi arrived at David's house -- prepared to give herself to him in every sense of the word and get absolutely no studying done at all

 

[Metal Snake: Oh, you model teenager. Ha ha ha…]

[JCM: Don't get too kinky or you'll end up back in jail.]

[Hayden: But you'll fail the project! Unless it's a Jex study.]

 

-- to see another girl waiting at the door.

 

"Who the hell are you?" she screamed at the girl, who was dressed in a skimpy pink dress.

 

[Girl: David’s sister, I got locked out of the house…]

 

"I have a date with David!" the girl said.

 

[Jjs: So the so-called loser is apparently a player now. Makes sense.]

[Hayden: No, neither of you do, you're here for schoolwork. At least Naomi is.]

 

"No, I do!" Naomi shouted. She punched the girl right in the face.

 

[JCM: Catfight!]

[Hayden: David sure is causing a lot of fights.]

 

Then the girl pulled out a gun.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Metal Snake: And shot Naomi in the heart. There’s our story, good night everyone!]

[JCM: So no catfight then?]

[Hayden: How cheap, fight for your man like a real woman.]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick

"Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead

"Touch My Body" by Mariah Carey

"Under the Sea" from Little Mermaid

 

[JCM: No catfight, then.]

[Metal Snake: No reviews to be appreciated? Aww, do you not like us anymore, 70s?   ]

[Hayden: Oh man, I hope Naomi doesn't die! *busts out laughing* Sorry, can't say that with a straight face.]

[Jjs: Strength wasn't very effective.]

[Metal Snake]

Not one of my faves, but still very entertaining.

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 
21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me

31. Express Yourself

32. Pray For You

33. Under My Bed

34. The Chosen

35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots

36. Sing

37. Strength

 

38. Something to Die For:

Spoiler

It's finally here! I hope it's worth the wait.

 

[Jjs: It probably won't be, but let's get this over with.]

[Trophy: I'm not dying for this spin-off, that's for sure.]

 

S2E18 (38) - Something to Die For: Previously on Bikini Top... Jackie is having sex dreams about Bryan, something she doesn't want. Jake refuses to apologize to Seth for their altercation. Heather feels alone without Seth, and questions their relationship. Seth is still angry at her. Brenda tries to get Hersht to admit he has feelings for her, which he denies. She ends up returning home to Tristan, who wants to know where she was. Kara and Rainn are holding Molly captive and torturing her, something that Bryan and Glinda now have knowledge about -- although they can do nothing about it. Anna knows that Molly is back underwater, and she knows she must find a witch to join her. Naomi is paired up with David (the new boy)

 

[Jjs: "the new boy" Thanks again, No Reader Left Beyond at your service!]

 

for a project, and suddenly finds herself extremely attracted to him, and even noticed that he was not the same awkward-looking boy he formerly was, but an extremely sexy boy with quite the nice ass. She went to his house to meet up with him, and was met by another of his admirers. Both were yelling at each other, and Naomi's competition pulled out a gun.

There is no picture on the screen. Only blackness.

 

[JCM: Please leave it that way. Please.]
[Clappy: 10/10. Encore.]

 

The sound of a gunshot is heard.

 

[Jjs: Well....audience, who do you think was shot?:

A) Naomi

The Girl

C) Both

D) David

 

Take your pick.]

[Trophy: A.]

[Clappy: Please be A. Please be A.]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: 

]

[JCM: I miss the blackness already.]

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

[Jjs: At least we were forewarned about a time skip.]

Naomi was in Rock Bottom. Both figuratively and geographically.

She was a fugitive.

 

[Clappy: All those years of drug abuse have finally caught up to her?]

 

She shot another girl... Miranda, her name was.

 

[Jjs: Well fuck me, there went any suspense.]

[Trophy: How the fuck did she get Miranda's gun or go to Rock Bottom? And why should she want David, where's Trevor?]

[Clappy: OH BOY. OPEN GUN FIRE. Just when you think someone could possibly become even more unlikeable, shooting an innocent bystander.  Bravo Naomi. You constantly find more reasons to dislike you. Worst. Female. Character. In Any Spin-off/Lit. Ever.]

 

Miranda was going to be fine, but Naomi was wanted. And Naomi didn't know why she shot her. It was like she was possessed. Was she? She was trying to make sense of it all.

 

[Jjs: She was probably possessed by Astenias or something, it's been far too long since we've seen him. I also guess we'll never get an answer of why David is suddenly a player now.]

[JCM: This calls for an exorcism! *holds up a cross* THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.]

[Clappy: I don’t know, but I bet you anything Veera will get blamed again for Naomi’s faults as a person...I mean fish.]

She hadn't told any of her friends where she was. She hadn't told anyone. It would be too dangerous.

 

[Jjs: I just hope Naomi can learn the *raspberry* accent *raspberry* of the *raspberry* Rock Bottom *raspberry* citizens.]

 

~~~

("Judas" by Lady Gaga [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

Brenda was going out. She hadn't hunted since going home, and she needed to. She decided to visit Hersht, Jordin, and Dora.

All three of them were there, and they were shocked to see her.

[Trophy: In the same spot? How has Astenias not found them yet?]

[JCM: Because he's too busy possessing Naomi. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.]

 

"Well, well, well..." Dora said. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Don't talk like that," Brenda said. "I just wanted to say hi. I'm still going to be here... I said I would, and I will be. I have to be a part of the plan to kill Astenias, because as a newborn, I'm the strongest, remember?"

 

[Clappy: You know…funny thing about this plan…all we know is that Bryan is “The Chosen”….what exactly is the plan? What the fuck do any of these vampires have to do with anything else? I mean every vampire scene in a nutshell it feels like.

 

-Talk about “the plan”

 

-Conjure up more things about this plan

 

-Talk about how special Bryan is towards “the plan”

 

I get the plan is to kill Asstenias (typo intended), but the plan really must have no actual effort going into it if they just constantly meet up all the time to talk about how vital Bryan is or who gets to kill the big bad Asstenias. Guys, instead of spending so many episodes/months/seasons thwarting…WHY NOT ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? We all know the payoff is going to be underwhelming so instead of just talking all the freaking time, start putting this stupid plan into motion.]

 

"Yeah, yeah," Dora said, sounding irritated... which was nothing new.

"What did you tell your family?" Hersht asked her. He didn't make eye contact.

"I told them I was receiving an experimental new treatment for cancer," Brenda said. "It was preposterous, but if they suspected something, they didn't tell me."

 

[Clappy: A cure for cancer? Obviously preposterous. Who would believe that? Oh, probably the national news, since they have actually made developments in figuring out a cure for one of the leading causes of death worldwide.]

 

"Good," said Jordin. She was still friendly.

There was silence.

"Hersht, can we talk?" Brenda said eventually.

 

[JCM:  ]

Hersht stood up. "Sure."

The two of them went to the woods together.

"What do you think they're doing in there?" Jordin asked.

"I don't care," said Dora.

 

[Trophy: Neither do I, yet if I'm correct, then EEEWWWWWWWW!]

[Jjs: I got nothing for this one, sorry guys. Any vampire scene bores me now. This just makes me miss Astenias more.]

~~~

As soon as they were far enough away, Brenda started to cry, putting her head into Hersht's arms.

 

[Jjs: Wait...more scenes are correlating to each other?]

"It's so hard!" she cried.

 

[Clappy: “This is going to hurt the most.”]

[JCM: Hey, hey, hey! This is a family show!]

"What is?"

"Everything."

 

[Jjs: And it correlated for no reason whatsoever. Pointless Scene #1.]

 

~~~

Jackie sat in her room. There were only a few weeks of school left... and she was beginning to make her decision on what she would be doing. All of her friends would be going to college. She wouldn't.
 

[Clappy: All her friends are going to college? Since when was this actually made clear? Especially since all of them are too busy fucking up their lives to believe that all of them have the grade point average to go to college.]

[Jjs: Actually, to be fair Clappy, they did plan to go to college back in Episode 26, but that was so long ago and it hasn't been brought up since, so I don't blame you for forgetting.]

 

It would have been okay if she had Temperance, but...

[JCM: Italics...]
[Clappy: It’s nice to know that Jackie cares so much if she had Temperance in her life….OH WAIT A MINUTE. SHE DID HAVE TEMPERANCE IN HER LIFE BUT BLEW HER OFF LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DID. Yeah, nice try making me believe that she thought of Temperance in such mass importance towards her life.]

 

She had to decide: Would she have a senior year?

 

[Trophy: Oh right, Jackie's a year younger, I forgot that.]

[Jjs: Well, we haven't seen Charlea in a while, so why not?]

~~~

Naomi walked into a bar.
 

[Clappy: Is this the beginning to a bad joke?]

 

"ID?" the bartender said when she asked for a beer.

 

[Jjs: Hey, that's *raspberry* not the *raspberry Rock Bottom *raspberry* accent! *raspberry*]
[JCM: At least Rock Bottom is stricter about IDs than New York City.]

"Just give me a beer," Naomi said.

 

[Jjs: Oh shit, not the italics!]
[Clappy: What? Too good for fake licenses?]

 

"Can't."

"Do it! Do it! Do it!"

The bartender stood there, looking confused. "Um... fine. You look old enough, I suppose."

 

[JCM: Never mind.]

[Jjs: Well some bartender you are...not like Rock Bottom has high standards anyways. And no raspberry accent? Critical Research Failure!]
[Clappy: …..LIFE DOES NOT WORK LIKE THIS MAN. BARTENDERS HAVE TO CHECK CARDS FOR A REASON. GO AHEAD. WALK INTO A BAR RIGHT NOW AND DO THIS EXACT ROLEPLAY. BARTENDERS GET FIRED FOR SHIT LIKE THIS.]

 

~~~

Astenias was sitting down, watching his newly formed army train.

 

[Jjs: Oh, there you are.]

[Clappy: Oh, you have an army now? Since when?]

 

Who was commanding the army?

[JCM: Even better question: Who cares?]

Arianna and Mitchell.

 

[Trophy: Ass Albert, The Vampitch! Too soon?]

[Jjs: Didn't they die...]

(begin flashback)

 

[Jjs: ...okay then.]

 

Astenias knew that the Chosen was gaining power, and allies. He had to do something about that, and raise an army of his own.

He knew he had to stop being so reckless. He couldn't continue to kill the people who were working for his cause. Which reminded him of two he had killed before... two who knew the Chosen.

He went to his most able witch, one who would put Bryan Errin's Glinda to shame.

 

[JCM: I think being associated with Bryan should be enough to put Glinda to shame.]

 

Her name was Rita. She was middle-aged, and a very experienced witch, capable of very much.
 

[Jjs: Rita's Water Ice?]

[Clappy: Oh fuck me. Not another character we have to remember and then forget about for another five episodes and then magically have to remember again.]

 

Astenias made Rita resurrect Mitchell and Arianna. This was a difficult task. Three of his soldiers died; a necessary sacrifice.

[Trophy: How'd they die?]

[Jjs: Great, more of this resurrection crap. Also, what was the point of killing Arianna and Mitchell then if they were just going to be brought back? Padding po....oh, they left. No...no, I'm not done. You know what? Time for my rant. You know what I hate the most about this shit? It's not the characters. It's not the vampire/witch/supernatural stuff. It's not the butchered SpongeBob elements. It's not even the awkward attempts at humor, fourth wall breaks, or the SBC user nods. It's the development. Where is it? You can kill as many people off as you want, but in the end, it never matters because they get brought back, rendering their previous deaths entirely pointless. Their deaths contribute nothing to the story whatsoever, and even Temperance has been forgotten at this point. Therefore, there was no point in killing off Arianna and Mitchell before. And that is what is wrong. Nobody cares in the end. Not the author, not the characters, and ultimately, neither do the readers. Now, BRING ME BRYAN ERRIN!]

[Clappy: I thought Past 70s declared two or three episodes ago that this death to resurrection crap meant absolutely nothing since they just get brought back to life again anyway….whoops, there I go using my brain again.]

 

They returned to life, but both were reluctant to join him once more. They even tried to escape one night.

 

[Trophy: I'd want to escape from this plot as well.]

 

The morning after the attempted escape, Astenias told Rita to do a spell on the two of them -- a spell that would make the two of them practically worship him, and do everything that he ever said. A spell that would help him kill Bryan Errin.
 

[JCM: Why didn't he do that in the first place?]

 

(end flashback)

 

[Clappy: You need a spell to kill Bryan Errin? Why not just murder him?]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, that reminds me, did Astenias abandon his goal of wanting to find Bryan or...?]

 

~~~

("Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

"You're having trouble not killing them?" Hersht asked Brenda.

"Somewhat," Brenda admitted, and she sniffled. "But it's not really that." She stopped and took deep breaths.

"What is it, then?"

"It's just... hard. I can't adjust to it. To being back."

"How so?"

"I feel distant from all of them. And taking care of Alex used to feel like a privilege, and these days it feels like an absolute chore -- and I'm a god-awful mother for saying that."

 

[JCM: That's okay. You were a god-awful mother already.]

[Trophy: Not as bad as Lois Griffin dreaming of putting Stewie in a washing machine.]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Alex exists.]

"It's okay," Hersht assured her.

"No, it's not."

"Well why are you telling me?"

"You're the only one I can tell."

~~~

All of the gang members still in Bikini Top were at the Smoothie Shack.

 

[Jjs: Wait, gang members? So they're a mob now?]
[Clappy: Of course, where else would I expect them to be? Doing something worthwhile?]

 

"It's been a while since we've all been here," said Jackie.

 

[Jjs: It doesn't feel like a while.]

[JCM: That's probably because of all the unnecessary timeskips.]

"We've all been busy," Morgan said.

"You got that right," said Jake.

"Now... there's a reason we're here," said Morgan.

"And what is it?" Jake asked her.

"The group has become... less group-like. We don't hang out anymore, and it sucks. Anna and Molly are God knows where, and Naomi..." There was silence as Morgan tried to decide what to say. "...Naomi is having trouble."

 

[Jjs: You mean they still haven't bothered searching for Anna and Molly? Jesus, some friends they are.]

[JCM: So they all got together to talk about how they don't get together anymore? Must have been a slow news day.]

[Clappy: Wait a minute….]

 

"What kind of trouble?" Bryan asked. He had been the most removed from the group, as he had often been training with Glinda when he was not at school.

"She shot a girl," Seth said.

 

[Jjs: I SHOT A GIRL, AND I LIKED IT!]
[Clappy: …..*gets back from re-reading the beginning of the chapter…AGAIN*

 

WHEN WAS THIS ANNOUNCED THAT SOMEONE…OR ANYONE FROM THIS GROUP KNEW OF NAOMI SHOOTING SOMEONE?

 

Didn’t Naomi say that she wasn’t going to tell her friends of anything about this? So unless it was made clear that this news became widespread than how would anyone know that Naomi is on the run…period. Clarification is all I ask for.]

 

"Over David," Jake said.

[Clappy: Once again. How did anyone know that the shooting was over David? GAH.]

 

"Dude..." Seth said.

"She what?" Bryan asked.

"Yeah," said Morgan. "Crazy, right?"

"I have to go..." said Bryan. He got up and left.

"What's up with him?" Jake asked.

"Why would I know?!" Jackie said, quickly and defensively.

 

[JCM: Because the whole world revolves around you, Jackie.]

[Clappy: Way to be subtle Jackie.]
[Trophy: At least I missed last ep, but god why? It looks like I am riffing every episode of this plot...]

~~~

Heather was sitting alone in her house, contemplating going to see Seth. She had been feeling sick lately, but that was no matter. She was going to the doctor later that day. She wanted to talk to him.

 

[Clappy: Please dont.]

She loved him. She decided to go.

 

[Clappy: Please. I beg you.]

[Trophy: She loves the doctor now as well? YOU DECIDE!]

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #2.]

[JCM: You'd be hard-pressed to find a Seather scene that wasn't pointless.]

~~~

Anna was in the elevator, on her way back to the apartment after a fruitless day of searching for a witch. Actually, it was less searching than wandering around New York.
 

[Clappy: Oh I get it. Fruit…because she’s homosexual. You know, because the pun is there doesn’t mean you have to take advantage of it.]

 

"How in the world do you find a witch?" Anna said to herself in the empty elevator.

 

[Jjs: I'm sure Glinda has a business card with her address underwater. It's not the most ridiculous thing to happen.]

Suddenly, a 13 button on the elevator appeared, and lit itself.

"Elevators aren't supposed to have thirteens... there's no such thing as a thirteenth floor," said Anna.

 

[JCM: "Turning into a human with my Morrigan girlfriend is one thing, but a thirteenth floor on an elevator? No way, jose!"]
[Clappy: And elevators don’t have buttons appear magically. Something tells me Anna’s been speckledorfed.]

 

The elevator started rushing up, and suddenly, it stopped.

 

[Trophy: Well, there is a reason 13 is considered unlucky...]

[Jjs: Well, since everybody else in this version of New York is dead, Anna will be stuck there forever. Oh well.]

 

~~~

"So what do you think?" Bryan asked Glinda. "Supernatural?"

"From what you've said about Naomi, her shooting someone doesn't sound far-fetched." Glinda gave a bit of a smile.

 

[Jjs: Haha, that's not funny, you sick fuck.]
[Clappy: What? No Supernatural television series references? You mean Past 70s isn’t going to pull obvious television references out for no reason whatsoever?]

 

"But she hated this guy, then she almost killed over him, Glinda," said Bryan. "That has to be a supernatural thing. And I don't mean she had a little crush, I mean full-on googly eyes."

 

[JCM: At least someone recognizes how ridiculous that whole storyline was.]

"And you said he caused two of your friends to fight?" Glinda asked.

"Brutally."

"I have an idea."

 

[Jjs: Wait, so now you're telling me...Naomi was under a spell to love on David? Oh boy, please don't tell me David is a supernatural creature...]

[Clappy: Oh dear god. What supernatural creature is he going to be this time? A minotaur? Please make him a minotaur. I beg you Past 70s. I’m honestly rooting for this to get even worse now because you’ve already hit rock bottom to the point that you’ve made one of the recent locations Rock Bottom. Prove yourself wrong man instead of making him something boring like a warlock or a wizard like you’ll probably make him turn out to be. Make him something sucktacular!]

 

~~~

("The Big Bang" by Rock Mafia [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

[Trophy: I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE BANGED!]

[JCM: Then you better stay away from Heather.]

Naomi was walking the streets, crying and scared. And now slightly drunk. As she staggered through an alley, she was stopped by a man who fiercely smelled of booze and body odor.
 

[Clappy: So you mean the male equivalent of Naomi.]

 

"Hey, sweet cheeks," the man said.

 

[Jjs: These *raspberry* Rock Bottom citizens *raspberry* still can't master the *raspberry* accent. Are we sure we're in the SpongeBob Rock Bottom and not some shady drug dealer town with a similar name?]

His breath made Naomi want to retch -- something she was already on the verge of doing.

"What do you say we have some fun?" the man asked.
 

[Jjs: Dammit, why did the Pedophile Police quit on me now?]

The words he said and the smell that came from them were just too much. Naomi threw up.

"Oh, that's disgusting. You dirty, dirty girl." In a strange way, it seemed to turn the man on.

[JCM: Not touching that.]
[Clappy: Nothing screams foreplay like the sweet sweet smell of vomit.]

 

Naomi sobbed harder, afraid. What would this man do to her? Rape her? Kill her? Both? Maybe she deserved it. She slowly turned back around to face the man.

 

[Jjs: If only we were that lucky for Naomi to be killed.]

Once her eyes were on him, she noticed another man running towards her assailant, an then punched him in the face, saying, "Asshole!"

 

[JCM: An then I punched this sentence in the face, saying, "Proofread!"]

[Clappy: Since the Proofread Neglect Police and Grammar Police are slacking….Don’t you mean “and”?]

 

The man was knocked out.

Naomi's savior extended his fin, smiled, and said, "Hi. I'm Ryan."

 

[Jjs: Great, Generic Character #46544 for me to remember. Let me guess, he becomes her next love interest.]
[Clappy: Hi Ryan. Let me throw you into the generic character pool with the likes of other one to three episode appearances in this spin-off.]

 

~~~

Anna was in a dimly lit room. Candles were hung on the walls for light. The thirteenth floor was just one large room. She walked through slowly.

The room was silent. It was increasingly eerie as she walked through. As she walked, she noticed a greenish light in the center of the room.

And suddenly that light rushed towards her, and hit her square in the chest.

 

[Trophy: NO DR. LIGHT, ESCAPE TO BATTLE THE TITANS, NOT BE IN THIS MESS!]

[Jjs: ...What a twist?]

[JCM: Her square deserved it.]

~~~

"I have to go home," Brenda said.

"What?" Hersht asked. The two of them had been sitting in the woods for a couple of hours, listening to nature, thinking.

"I have to go home," she repeated.
 

[Clappy: Wow, she wants out of this spin-off as badly as Temperance did.]

 

Without another word, she left.

Hersht frowned. His feelings were beginning to confuse him more and more.

 

[Jjs: They are confusing us too. Pointless Scene #3!]
[JCM: I wish I had a stake so I could end these two already.]

~~~

"What's your idea?" Bryan asked Glinda after she had gone to a book in her apartment.

"I know what we're dealing with," said Glinda.

"What?" Bryan asked.

"A chaos demon."
 

[Clappy: *chuckles*]

[Jjs: Great, so David is a supernatural creature. Does every supernatural creature just love to disguise themselves as a fish now? Is that some new fashion trend in the supernatural department?]

 

"What's that?"

"I think it explains itself," Glinda said. "A demon that causes chaos."

[Jjs: I can see some of Jake's stupidity is rubbing off on Bryan.]

[Clappy: *chuckles*]

 

"And why is it here?"

"To cause chaos. Because it's a chaos demon."

 

[Jjs: "It also likes to cause chaos."]
[Clappy: *chuckles* Stop saying chaos demon man. I can’t take this seriously.]

 

"Way to be frank, Glinda."

[JCM: Way to be an idiot, Bryan.]

"Sorry, but it's true. And Bikini Top being a Hellmouth can't help much either."
 

[Clappy: *chuckles*]

 

"Hellmouth?"
 

[Clappy: *chuckles*]

 

"You don't know what a Hellmouth is?" Glinda asked. "Oops."

 

[Trophy: A town that's hell yet shaped like a mouth? Actually, it's possible, considering all the bizarre things in this spin-off so far.]

[Jjs: "Oh no, I used hell in vein!"]

[Clappy: *chuckles* God, this whole scene is unintentional comedic gold.]

~~~

Seth was alone in Bryan's house.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Seth moved in with Bryan. Funny how we haven't seen them interact whatsoever.]

 

It was a strange feeling. He didn't feel like he belonged. He was just watching TV and playing Angry Clams

 

[Jjs: BOOO!!!!]

[JCM: At least it's not Clamdy Crush.]

[Clappy: Aww come on. You just made me laugh that whole previous scene. Now we’re back to the horribad undersea knockoffs….]

 

on his FishPod

 

[Clappy: ….again.]

 

when he heard the ring of the doorbell.

 

[Jjs: Is it that hard to say "somebody rang the doorbell", or is this scene going to be a parody of any work by Edgar Allen Poe?]

 

He wondered if he should get it, and decided he'd better.

He got up, and saw Heather standing beside the glass door, and shook his head and walked away.
 

[Clappy: Good boy.]

 

She banged on the door. "Seth!" she called.

 

[Jjs: Heather has gone so deluded now that she thinks Seth is a door.]

He sighed.

"Seth!"

He hesitantly walked back to the door, and turned the handle to open it.

"What do you want?" he said bitterly.

"You," she said, and unbuttoned his shirt, then taking it off and licking his chiseled chest.

[JCM: Now I really miss the blackness.]
[Clappy: ….licking his chiseled chest….is that really what girls fantasize about doing to guys? And fishes have chests?]

 

"Heather..." he said. Her tongue was getting lower and lower until... his pants were removed. "No... Heather..."

 

[Clappy: Since I assume the door is still wide open…

 

Seth: Oh hi neighbors. Just standing here….in my underwear…chiseled fish…nearly naked….I’m still underage….call the authorities…once they are done waiting for the proof that Morgan got raped. Just get this crazy woman away from me.]

[Jjs: Uh...Betty almighty.]

[betty: You called?]

[Jjs: No...but, stay close. I...might need you again very soon.]

"Yes, Seth."

"No."

She started removing his underwear, but he pulled them back up quickly. "No," he said, this time firmly. He would not give into her. Not this time. Not ever.

 

[Clappy: Why do I doubt the words “not ever” so much in this spin-off?]

[Trophy: What am I doing this for anymore? Oh right, it stopping.]

[JCM: So she went from a statutory rapist to a rapist in general.]

 

He put his pants back on, but Heather kept his shirt.

"Heather, give me the shirt back."

"No."

"Heather, come on..." he said. "I don't want to take it from you."

"You won't. You wouldn't."

"Why?"

"You're too kind. Too pure to take something from me. From someone who loves you so much. From someone you love so much."
 

[Jjs: Fuck it, there's 3 other riffers on this one! Nope, I've suffered enough. Skipping this one.]

[Dustin Hoffman: Ms. Heather, you are trying to seduce me, aren’t you?]

 

"And who said I still love you?"

"It's written all over your face. And you were obviously enjoying our little bit of foreplay."

 

[JCM: That makes one person.]

"What's enjoying that mean? Who wouldn't? You're very... good at it."

"Oh, am I?"

"You know you are, Heather. Your... moves... are the reason we started hooking up in the first place. But that doesn't change anything. We're still where we were. You cheated on me with your ex-husband, and that stings. It won't stop stinging. You'll always have feelings for him, because you were married to him. You had a child together--"

 

[Trophy: But Morgan was around with Drake, INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Seriously, did Drake just die after his first mention?]

 

"--but Morgan is adopted."
 

[Clappy: Mother of the year folks. Completely ignores everything her former lover was once saying except for how Morgan was brought into her life. Awful. Just awful.]

 

"She's still yours. You two raised her. That's something that didn't happen for us. All we have... had was lust."

"That's not true at all. We don't just have lust. We love each other."

"Loved, you mean. And to be honest, I'm not sure we ever loved each other. Just... parts of each other."

 

[Clappy: Bikini Top in a nutshell folks.]

[JCM: These Seather scenes always find new ways to traumatize me.]

 

"We're not that superficial, Seth."

"Are you sure about that?"

 

[Clappy: Oh, I’m sure all of you are superficial. It’s been made clear many times already that you…and I mean all of these characters…just love each other for the jex.]

 

"Yes. I know I love you."

"How?"

"I can't stop thinking about you. And I'm not thinking about 'parts of you.' I'm thinking about you. The way you used to make me laugh,

 

[Clappy: When did he ever make you laugh?]

 

how whenever I was feeling down I could count on you to make me feel better,

 

[Clappy: Jex doesn’t count.]

 

how happy it made me to wake up every morning seeing you and your loving face.

 

[Clappy: Now this is definitely about jex.]

 

You were my safety blanket, Seth. I did love you. I still do."
 

[Clappy: And to think guys, this is a full grown woman talking like a teenager and acting like one too…my mind is permanently scared by reading the words Heather licking his chiseled chest.]

 

"But maybe that's why you loved me. Because I was your safety blanket. Your protection from the world around you. That's not real love."

"You ignored everything else I said! You were the thing in this world that made me happiest! I love you so much, it actually hurts me to not be with you!"

"Get used to it," Seth said.

Heather was silent then.

"You need to go," said Seth.

And she did.

 

[Jjs: Mommy, the bad writing touched me! Seriously, what the fuck? I'm just going to pretend this scene never happened. Nope, it didn't happen. Moving on, moving on.]
[Clappy: God every Heather/Seth scene is just pure torture.]

 

~~~

Morgan was sitting at the counter at the Smoothie Shack while Jake worked.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Jake still works at the Smoothie Shack.]

[Clappy: Oh yeah, Jake still works.]
[JCM: Despite him saying that he didn't have a job two episodes ago. It looks like the Shack wanted him Back.]

"Are you sure about not apologizing to Seth?" she asked. "I really think you should."

"That's cool that you think that, Morgan, but frankly, I don't care," said Jake.

Morgan's jaw dropped.

 

[Jjs: Pick that up, there are like, children here!]

"Dick!" she said, then left.

 

[Trophy: You JUST realized that?]

[Jjs: Don't suck on it.]
[Clappy: That’s my adoptive mother’s former lover you are talking badly about.]

 

~~~

("Fuckin' Perfect" by P!nk [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

Ryan took Naomi to his apartment, and invited her to sit down on his couch.

 

[Clappy: God not another Naomi scene….PASS.]

 

"So... how are you?" he asked. He wasn't used to talking to girls. Bedding them was practically his calling.

[JCM: Some people are gifted at the piano. Others are gifted at having sex with women.]

"Not great."

They sat in silence.

After a while, Ryan's roommate, Derek, entered the room.

 

[Jjs: I'm losing track of characters to remember.]

"Who's this?" he asked at the sight of Naomi.

"A stray," Ryan replied.

"A stray? She's not a lost dog, Ryan. She's a lost girl." He looked at Naomi. "Who are you running from?"

[Jjs: Well, Naomi is a type of dog, if you catch my drift...]

[JCM: It's a good thing she's not a lost boy, or Peter Pan probably would have kidnapped her by now.]

"...How did you know I was running?" Naomi asked.

"Oh come on. In a place like Rock Bottom, you learn to recognize people who are on the run, and you're a classic case. So spill."

And spill she did. She spilled everything, everywhere. Told these two random strangers everything. Her life's story.

"Wow..." Derek and Ryan said simultaneously.

"I'm so sorry. That's a lot to tell some random strangers."

 

[Trophy: Yikes, don't remind me about it too much.]

[Jjs: So is that your purpose in the story? Just to be two random strangers for Naomi to bond with? You better be grateful if you are let alone mentioned again.]

[JCM: Better than having to read about her connecting to David carnally.]

"You obviously had to tell someone," said Derek.

Ryan nodded, showing he agreed, since if he spoke it would be too obvious he was on the verge of tears.

"Well... it did help," Naomi said.

"We're getting you a flight back home," said Derek.

"What?" Naomi asked worriedly.

"You have to face your demons, Naomi. We'll pay for the ticket. It won't cost you a cent."

 

[Jjs: Now I wish "Demons by Imagine Dragons" played for this scene and the chaos demon one...oh no, then Clappy would be even more mad.]

"Really?"

"Really."

Naomi hugged both of them. "You guys are like gay angels!"

 

[Jjs: ...Lolwut?]
[JCM: Two guys share an apartment and they're automatically gay. I see how it is.]

"Gay?" they both said.

[Trophy: My reaction exactly.]

[Clappy: This whole scene was just…*sees Jjs talking about “Demons”….AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH]

[Jjs: No really..."gay angels"? I can't even dignify that with just one riff, so I'm going to replay it again:

 

Naomi hugged both of them. "You guys are like gay angels!"

 

YOU HAVE REACHED ENLIGHTENMENT!]

 

~~~

Jackie's mother Sarah was washing dishes when Jackie approached her.

"Hi, Mom," Jackie said.

"Hey, darling," said Sarah.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting Jackie moved back. I guess we'll never get an explanation of where Sarah's husband went.]

"So... I'm just going to need you to sign these papers so I can drop out of high school. Can you do that for me real quick?"
 

[Clappy: No biggie. Just my future I’m throwing away because someone has to replace Temperance for the overreactive character in this spin-off.]

 

Sarah took a second to understand what her daughter was saying. "Excuse me..."
 

[Clappy: Speaking of daughter…even though I see what Jjs said down below…what did happen to Charlea?]

 

"Please, Mom."

"No."

 

[JCM: Hey, a mother who isn't completely terrible.]

[Jjs: So....still no sign of Charlea at all. Is she dead? She's dead, isn't she? When should we hold the funeral?]

~~~

"So what's a Hellmouth?" Bryan asked Glinda.
 

[Clappy: *chuckles*…not this again.]

 

"It's just a place where demons and forces of darkness are naturally drawn. That's why Bikini Top is the way it is. That's why you're here."

 

[Jjs: Those demons should pick a better party spot. Not sure whose idea it was to invade a town with angsty teenagers and a pedophile...nope, nope, I promised to never speak of it again.]
[Trophy: Tell me about it.]

"And it took you that long to tell me something that vital?"

"I could've sworn I told you."

"Whatever."

"This chaos demon

 

[Clappy: *chuckles*]

 

has arrived to tear you apart from your friends. They're your support group, and without them... you're pretty much useless, because you'll just be thinking about them. And if he tears apart your group, none of them will be with you anymore."

[JCM: That is what tends to happen when you tear a group apart.]

"Well, he's done a pretty good job screwing things up," said Bryan. "But that's done."

 

[Jjs: So let me get this straight...you're telling me David is the main villain now? Well David, if you want to tear them apart, you could start by showing what assholes they are. But I think this spin-off has shown that enough anyways.]
[Trophy: Can you blame him? With dat ass it's hard to beat a man like him, not even Gaston!]

~~~

Brenda was hunting in the woods near her home when she heard someone coming. As a newborn vampire, she could not force herself to stop sucking the blood from her victim: a now-lifeless nematoad.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: nematode]

Behind her, Mikayla screamed.

[Trophy: Mikayla went in some far away woods because...]

[Jjs: Once again, are we sure that was a nematode she was sucking on? *smirk*]

[JCM: Nemafrog and Nematoad. My favorite book series.]

~~~

Heather was at her doctor's appointment, waiting to see if she was sick after the doctor ran some standard tests.

The doctor walked into the room.

"So... what's up, doc?" Heather asked.

 

[Jjs: Are we riffing ATTWL 3 again or are the Looney Tunes getting shoved into this now? Of course you realize, this means war!]

"I know what's wrong," the doctor said sullenly.

"What is it?"

[JCM: Everything. Everything about you.]

The doctor grinned. "You're pregnant! Congratulations!"

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Trophy: MY GOD HE DID IT!]

[Clappy: Oh wonderful. How many pregnancies is this in the show now. Three? Four? How many of these babies will ever be mentioned again? None?]

 

~~~

Seth was still alone in the house. There was a knock on the door. He was sure it was Heather, again attempting to seduce him. He went to answer it, prepared to slam the door in her face, but instead saw Mitchell.

"You're back," he said to Jake's grandfather.

 

[Clappy: Exactly when did Seth ever meet Jake’s grandfather? Wasn’t he introduced like nearly two or three episodes after he was?]

 

"Yes," said Mitchell. "Well... I was coming here for Jacob... but you'll have to do, won't you?"

"What?"

Mitchell grabbed Seth and carried him out of the house.

 

[Trophy: Meh, who cares? Now I won't have to see another Heather scene like above.]

[JCM: So Mitchell's Peter Pan now.]

[Jjs: What Heather scene Trophy? No idea what you're talking about. Anyways, goodbye Seth, now maybe you can be turned into a vampire. It'd be better than how you were pedophile bait before.]

~~~

("Something to Die For" by The Sounds [ 

 ] plays throughout the scene)

The blast of green light had pushed Anna far backwards.

A woman approached her.

 

[Jjs: Details? Does she have a witch outfit on?]

"Are you a witch? Because I'm looking for a witch..." Anna said to the woman, who was standing over her and examining her.

"Well... what a coincidence. So was I. And I found mine."

 

[JCM: So, which witch is which?]

"Huh?"

"You're a witch."

"No I'm not..." said Anna.

"That green light was a tracking spell because I sensed a witch was somewhere in this building. And there you are."

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Clappy: BOO! HISS! BOO!!!!!]

[Trophy: By saying the word witch.

Random passerby: I'm looking for a which to help me with my sandwich. Oh they don't make sandwiches? *gets zapped by tracking light* OW, MY GOD THAT HURT! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??!]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP
"Judas" by Lady Gaga
"Set Fire to the Rain" by Adele
"The Big Bang" by Rock Mafia
"Fuckin' Perfect" by P!nk
"Something to Die For" by The Sounds

Reviews VERY appreciated.

 

[JCM: Then I won't give you one.]

[Trophy: ...That was actually one of the best episodes so far lately in terms of not angering me, so why should I care?]

[Clappy: Awful. Just awful. I have no more words to describe these episodes anymore. I need to start using a thesaurus to start describing how unpleasant this spin-off makes me feel.]

[Jjs: So, you want a review, DOC? It was pretty meh, sorry 70s. The reveals were just all over the place for me, but at least nobody angered me, so that's a plus. At least we didn't get something crazy like Heather raping Seth? Right guys? Guys?]

 

R.I.P. Charlea.

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me
31. Express Yourself
32. Pray For You
33. Under My Bed
34. The Chosen
35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots
36. Sing
37. Strength
38. Something to Die For

39. Nothing Else Matters:

Spoiler

Just one day late. Not too bad. 

[Wumbo: You could have been later, but I understand your disdain for humanity couldn't keep yourself away from this spin-off for long.]
[Hayden: Still tardy pal. Don't you know you have legions of fans on SBC just dying to see new episodes? Literally dying when you force them to read it I mean.]

Note that this episode has violence and intense language. Kthx.

[Jjs: You're not welcome.]
[Hayden: Cute, but neither of those things will be the reason why my eyes burn off.]
[Wumbo: As opposed to... all the G-rated stuff this spin-off has offered so far?]

S2E19 (39) - Nothing Else Matters:

[Wumbo: Hey guys! Who thinks that Past 70s is going to play "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica at the end of this?]

Previously on Bikini Top... It was plot twist after plot twist in the previous episode!

[Jjs: And they were so twisty that even M. Night would get stuck in a knot of twists.]

Let's try and gather the info, shall we? Naomi was okay, but she had shot her rival for David's affections,

 

[Wumbo: Past 70s, for the umpteenth time, what is your definition of "okay"?]

Miranda, who was in the hospital, but will be okay, although Naomi is wanted.

[Hayden: Wow, such fierce established rivals! They whine like hormonal freaks for 5 seconds, MIRANDA pulls out the gun (but I guess that's somehow overlooked here) and rather than actually let us see the scene play out, Past 70s decides to veer the plot in a much less fascinating direction by having another stupid on the run plot done with Naomi.]

She meets Rock Bottom's Ryan and Derek, who talk her through everything, convincing her to go home and buying her the plane ticket.

[Narrator Hayden: "Naomi immediately assumes due to their shared living habitat and overall kindness that they are homosexuals, like any rational conclusion someone would come to make.]

Brenda is having a hard time adjusting to life back at home, and Mikayla discovers her sucking the blood from a nematoad, prompting her to scream. 

[Hayden: *Nematode. Google existed in 2011, he knows that, right?]

Jackie considers dropping out of high school since she'll be the only one in the group going next year, which her mother Sarah says no to.

[Hayden: How responsible, coming from a parent who disowned their child for an entire year. But seriously now, man do I feel for Jackie, how will she lust over Bryan and continue to add nothing to the plot if she's left behind in high school without the one and only available social circle?]

Bryan finds out that Bikini Top is a Hellmouth,

[Jjs: *chuckles* Clappy was right, this is comedy gold.]

meaning demons and creatures of the sort are attracted to it.

[Hayden: That actually makes so much sense considering the kind of teenagers who live in it, so no riff here.]

 

After Glinda tells him that David is a chaos demon and caused Naomi to shoot Miranda, Bryan decides to take action.

[Hayden: Right after he sits on his ass during the 5,395th time skip.]

Heather is still upset about Seth leaving, and the two have a heart-to-heart ending with Seth asking Heather to leave.

 

[Hayden: Sounds pretty deep if it establishes the exact same point of place we were at when I was last here in 37.]

Heather later finds out she's pregnant, but who knows if that will work out... because Seth is taken by Mitchell, who was revived by Astenias' witch friend Rita to lead a vampire army, along with Arianna!

[Hayden: At least it wasn't Temperance revived.]

Anna is searching for a witch who can take her back underwater so she can save Molly, but then she encounters someone who claims Anna herself is a witch!

[Hayden: BUM BUM BUM? Oh, that means Anna could have been doing something this entire time while trapped in New York....and here I thought the writing couldn't make her look more pathetic.]

"What the hell?! Where are you taking me?!"Seth yelled. He was tied up in the back of Mitchell's limo.

[Jjs: Who knew a person that was just brought back to life could get a limo so easily? Maybe there's a limo dealership for vampires.]

[Hayden: All caught up! Now Seth calm down, he's saving you from that pedophile Heather and her baby mama drama.]

 

"Shut up!" Mitchell yelled right back at him. "You'll see soon!"

"Tell me!"

"You'd better shut the hell up or I'll make you!"

(Theme plays)

[Jjs:

]

[Hayden: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f3HddYECF4 ]

 

("You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC [

] plays throughout the scene)

 

"Now landing in Bikini Top," the pilot said over the speakers.

[Jjs: That is unfortunate.]

Naomi got off the plane. She was back home. She had to face her punishment for shooting Miranda, no matter how harsh that punishment may be. Jail? Maybe. She was ready to face it, and that was all she knew. She knew she was done hiding from her actions.

[Jjs: Maybe you should've stayed in Rock Bottom. That alone was pretty much jail.]
[Hayden: Well, I guess the ambiguously gay duo of Derek and Ryan were just plot devices. Oh well, at least they did their job and are leading that bitch Naomi straight to prison where she belongs.]

As she walked out, she saw Arianna standing there, and her jaw dropped.

[Jjs: Pick that thing up.]
[Hayden: It isn't all that jaw dropping unless you were aware of her death....]

"What the hell?" Naomi said. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left town."

"You're coming with me," was all that Arianna said, not caring enough to explain to Naomi what was going on.

 

[Hayden: Just like the author of this doesn't care to explain all the details of his plots. Speaking of which, does Arianna have magic vampire powers that led her to deduce Naomi would be at the airport?]

"What? No I'm not."

"You'll do what I say!"

"Hell no! You can't make me!"

"Actually, I can." Arianna said and walked up to Naomi, looking her straight in the eye to compel her. "You're coming with me." This time, it worked out much better.

[Jjs: Arianna's beautiful face can compel people, just like Mitchell's.]
[Wumbo: Gotta maintain dat eye contact tho.]
[Hayden: So Naomi was really projecting her sexuality confusion out on Ryan and Derek.]
 

"Let's go, Arianna," said Naomi.

 

"That's what I thought," Arianna said smugly, and smirked.

 

The two of them walked outside and stepped into Arianna's boatmobile.

 

"I'm lucky no one cares enough about you to come and pick you up," said Arianna, and she laughed.

 

[Jjs: Except for Ryan, but then again he just seems to be a plot device. There's also Trevor, but then again, he cheated on her for no real reason. Yeah, Naomi is doomed.]
[Hayden: Now that I think about it, it's OOC for Naomi to not call anyone and bum off a ride from them.]

 

Naomi didn't know what was going on... but she knew it wasn't wise to say anything right now, especially since she did not have complete control over her body.

~~~

("Beat It" by Michael Jackson [

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: NO NO NO DAMN YOU PAST 70S]
[Hayden: *beats Past 70s with a stick*]
[Wumbo: Michael Jackson needs to "Beat It" from this spin-off.]
 

Bryan was standing outside the door of David's house. Glinda was right behind him, reading from her spellbook.

 

[Wumbo: Oh, are you done with the extremely thrilling action of cleaning your cauldron?]

"Ready?" Glinda asked him.

[Jjs: *sigh* If only she asked us if we were ready.]

"Let's do this."

Bryan immediately kicked open the door, and screamed, "DAVID!"

[Jjs: I hope Bryan has a search warrant for that. Also, way to be stealthy there pal.]
[Hayden: *smashes through Nuggets' window* "NUGGETS!]
[Wumbo: You immediately kicked open the door? You... couldn't have checked to see if it was unlocked first? Think about the property damage costs, Bryan.]
 

The house was dead silent.

 

"Let's split up," said Bryan. "One of us will find him."

 

"You sure?" Glinda asked.

 

"Positive," he replied.

 

[Hayden: Unless he's not at home and is instead at that grooving Smoothie Shack Naomi pointed out for him. Chaos demons need refreshments too.]

"Alright."

[Wumbo: I was going to read through this dialogue, but I got distracted by some grass growing.]
 

So the two of them split up. Bryan stayed downstairs while Glinda went upstairs. Bryan opened door after door and found nothing. He stepped into a closet and searched through it, just to be safe. He continued his search in the bathroom, searching every possible hiding place. Finally, he went to the bedroom downstairs, and checked under the bed, in that closet, in larger drawers, everywhere he could think of.

 

[Hayden: So much house description. A+]

Finally, he decided that David was not downstairs, and must have been upstairs instead. He made the decision to go upstairs and help Glinda find him.

[Jjs: Wow, I don't know how you could make a search scene so boring. That's a sin right there. Plus, if you wanted to have a Michael Jackson song for this scene, Thriller would've at least made more sense. Trying to picture Beat It in the background of this is too lulzy.]

 

He slowly walked up the stairs, as not to alert David that he was coming for him. When he got to the top of the stairs, he began searching rooms again, both for David and for Glinda.

He opened the door to a cabinet once he was in the bathroom just to check for David, and saw it was completely empty. He thought that was kind of strange, but gave it no thought. David was a demon. Demons don't need towels.

[Jjs: Uh...thanks for that info? I'll be sure to never give a demon a towel.]
[Hayden: There are multiple other things one can store in a cabinet besides towels, chaos demons still need hygiene products.]

He exited the bathroom and approached the bedroom. The door was locked. He knew he had found David now. He kicked it open, and saw something that nearly made him scream.

[Jjs: Please don't tell me David is raping Glinda.]

 

There was David, and there was Glinda, captured by David, a knife held right against her throat.

 

[Jjs: Oh thank goodness.]
[Hayden: That's a relief, I thought the situation might have been as dire as Jjs predicted above.]

"Oh look, it's the Chosen,"said David.

[Jjs: Yes it is, now prepare for an ultimate battle between a chaos demon and The Chosen...oh, the scene's over. I'm sure the epic battle will be worth it then, right?]
[Hayden: "Oh look, it's that guy who originally made Jake look like the douchebag he is but was rewritten into a supernatural villain to justify it."]

 

~~~

Jake was sitting on the couch while Morgan was going to the mailbox in the lobby to get their mail. The two of them had been bickering lately, far more than usual. About Seth, about him seeing Jackie too much, about money, about her mother, about his mother, about Bryan, about college, about this, about that. Both of them were stressed to the absolute max.

[Jjs: That's a lot of abouts there. Super sentence variety saves the day.]
[Hayden: Since when has Jake seeing Jackie been too much of a problem lately? Isn't part of her lust problem with Bryan because of how isolated from the rest of the group she has been?]

Morgan walked back into the apartment in tears.

"What is it?"Jake asked her, somewhat irritated.

"We're getting evicted."

[Jjs: Oh thank goodness, no more furniture fetish from Morgan.]
[Hayden: Jake and Morgan, you have been evicted from the Big Brother house.]

~~~
 

("Paper Gangsta" by Lady Gaga [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m95L-gQVhSk ] plays throughout the scene)

 

“What the hell?!" Mikayla screamed.

 

"Honey..." said Brenda.

 

"Don't call me honey!"

 

[Hayden: It would have been funny if Brenda was draining the blood from a bee.]

 

"But..."

 

"What ARE you?"

 

[Jjs: Don't ask it 100+ times like Anna did to Molly.]

 

"I'm a...." But she couldn't say it.

 

"You're a what?" Mikayla demanded.

 

Brenda considered to stand there in silence. There was nothing she could say that would make her daughter feel any better about what she had seen.

[Wumbo: It's almost as if this might have been a bad idea all along!]
 

She would never look at her the same way again if she knew the truth... not this way, anyways. This was not the way Mikayla should find out.

 

She knew how to undo it. Hersht had helped her learn compulsion.

 

When Mikayla started to run, Brenda immediately grabbed her shoulder, and turned her right around so they were staring at each other straight in the eyes.

[Wumbo: I kept making jokes about how the bad spin-off touched me, but I didn't think that the bad touching would actually translate into the spin-off.]

"You saw nothing," Brenda said. "You will run back to the house and not remember any of this."

And Mikayla ran.

[Jjs: Don't fall!]
[Hayden: So he already pansied out on one of his plot twists.]

~~~

Heather was driving back to see Seth and tell him she was pregnant. She could'nt hide it from him.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: couldn't]
[Hayden: Nah Heather, don't tell him, you can just molest your own teenager in 15 years instead of running back to Seth.]
 

There was just no way she could. Maybe if she told him they could get back together! It wasn't likely, but it was possible, and that's all that mattered.

 

[Hayden: Using your unexpected pregnancy to manipulate an 18 year old into staying with you forever, holy shit this is creepy and I hope that's acknowledged.]
[Jjs: And just when I thought the creepiness was over, it always comes back. At least Heather hasn't raped Seth or anything, heh....]

 

Finally, she arrived.

 

She knocked on the door, and Tori answered.

 

"Oh, hi Heather!" Tori said kindly.

 

"Hey Tori. Is... Is Seth here, maybe?"

 

[Jjs: I hope not.]

"You know, he was earlier before I left, but now I just can't seem to find him or Bryan.

[Wumbo: Have you tried looking under the cushions?]

 

You want me to tell him you stopped by when he gets back?"

"No... I shouldn't have come."

 

"Oh, nonsense!"

 

"No, it was silly of me..."

 

"Come inside," said Tori. "We'll talk."

 

[Jjs: I hope it's not about anything important, since we have to cut this off now.]
[Wumbo: Oh, jjs... it never is.]
[Hayden: Perhaps Tori will reveal her own urges for Bryan are why she adopted him and then they can bond over their shared interest in minors.]

~~~
 

"I'm a witch? There's no way," said Anna. "There's just no way."

 

[Jjs: I know right? It's like Past 70s decided that since her lesbian lover is a supernatural creature, why not make Anna one too?]
[Hayden: Actually, there's Every Witch Way, Anna.]
 

“Well you are. No ifs ands or buts," said the woman with her. "And so am I. I'm Laura, by the way."

 

[unimportant Characters in Bikini Top Anonymous Meeting: HI, LAURA.]

"Well, Laura, I need your help. Fast."

[Jjs: Laura. Rita. Glinda. End a's seems to be common for witches. Also, noticed something. We have The Three Stooges of Morrigans (Rainn, Kara, and Molly), The Three Stooges of Vampires (Hersht, Dora, and Jordin), and now we have The Three Stooges of Witches (Laura, Rita, and Glinda)! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!]
[Hayden: Don't forget Ann-a. The 4th witch apparently.]

"What is it?"
 

"My girlfriend is in trouble," said Anna. "I'm... well, I'm a fish. I need to get back underwater to save her, and soon. Someone's going to kill her."

 

"Let's do this thing, then, my new fish friend."

 

[Jjs: Okay. Picture a random girl visiting you, and they said all of this. Would you answer them like a normal person? Or would you say "Let's do this thing, my new fish friend" without any hesitation?]
[Hayden: I'd do anything for my new fish friend.]

~~~
 

Brenda ran and ran to the woods to find Hersht. She SMACKED right into him.

 

[Wumbo: I like to CAPITALIZE verbs for some reason.]

"OUCH!" he yelled.

[Jjs: Did this become a Looney Tunes cartoon all of a sudden? Maybe that Heather line last episode was foreshadowing.]
[Wumbo: I wish that was all, folks.]

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" she cried.

"What the hell?" he said.

"Mikayla just saw me feed! Then I compelled her to forget all about and... and go back to the house! And now I feel like a really lousy mother, and like a terrible fish or vampire or whatever the hell I am... and... I just... feel like SHIT!"

[Jjs: You smell like it too, as does this whole plot.]
[Clarification Police: Did you mean: this whole spin-off]
[Hayden: You were better off with the cancer.]

~~~

"Let her go," Bryan said in as calm a tone he could manage. He was sure David could sense it wasn't genuine.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, I can totally believe that David wouldn't kill her already. Was there a long pause after the previous scene?]

 

"Why should I?" said David menacingly.

[Hayden: "Ummmmm, I'll invite you into my super cool social circle and let you hook up with the most popular girl in it, Jackie!" "Hehe, sucker....."]

 

"Because if you don't, I'll make your death slow and painful."

[Jjs: Yes, the epic fight is coming!...It's gonna disappoint, isn't it?]
 

"Oh, I'm so scared," David mocked Bryan.

 

"You should be," said Bryan.

 

David laughed, and Bryan threw a knife straight at him.

 

[Jjs: Yup, it disappointed. Seriously, where did Bryan get a knife from?! Wouldn't have David potentially used Glinda as a shield?! Way to build up such a big villain and kill him in the lamest way ever. Makes me wonder what the entire point of David was now since he didn't do anything. Worst. villain death. EVER.]
[Hayden: Only The Chosen can throw knives that well! Respect.]

~~~
 

("Under the Gun" by The Killers [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAk7BLMQ3Qk ] plays throughout the scene)

 

Mitchell picked Seth up and dropped him directly in front of Astenias.

 

"Oh, who's this?" Astenias asked. "I thought you were bringing me your grandson."

 

"This is my grandson's friend," said Mitchell. "He was at the house, and Jacob wasn't. I figured he would fit the bill. Male, eighteen, not a virgin..."

 

[Jjs: So in order to join Astenias' army, you have to be male, eighteen, and not a virgin? Sign me up.]
[Hayden: I have a feeling a lot of these Vampires have never been laid.]

 

"He'll do."
 

"I'll do? I'll do for WHAT?!" Seth yelled.

 

[Hayden: Money, they're using you as a prostitute obviously.]

 

"Quiet down," Astenias said.

 

"Fuck you!" Seth shouted.

 

[Jjs: Seth sure has some big old balls to talk down on the mighty Asstenias.]
 

"Mitchell, untie him," said Astenias. "It's no fun if he can't fight back.

 

[Wumbo: "It's like you don't even understand the concept of BDSM. Who are you, Christian Grey or something?"]

 

Mitchell got on his knees to untie Seth. As he was down, Seth spit right in his face.

[Jjs: JCM, that's gross!]

"You'll regret that,"; Mitchell assured him.

"I doubt it," said Seth.

Once Seth was untied, he sprung up and punched Astenias right in the face.

[Jjs: There is nothing wrong with this line. This is gold.]
[Wumbo: So much violence in the world today...]
[Narrator Hayden: "Astenias then proceeded to cry like a little baby and concede defeat, giving Seth control of his Vampire kingdom and the power to compel any MILF he wanted.]

~~~
 

("Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEi7GPkxfsE ] plays throughout the scene)

 

"So how are you doing?" Tori asked Heather.

 

"Great," Heather said, and nodded her head.

 

"Now, don't lie to me." Tori saw through her immediately.

 

[Wumbo: Somebody doing great in Bikini Top? Really now, Heather. At least make it somewhat believable.]
[Hayden: Detective Tori is back folks! Though she still hasn't solved the mystery of who killed Bryan's parents, or looked into it at all for that matter, let alone alerted the authorities....]
[Jjs: The authorities probably didn't have enough evidence Hayden.]
 

Heather just laughed.

 

"How are you really doing, Heather?"

 

"Honestly?"

 

"Yes, honestly!"

 

[Jjs: *dozes off due to boring dialogue*]
[Hayden: "No, I want you to lie your ass off so this conversation can be over faster.]

 

"Not good. Not good at all, Tori. I've just been having such a bad, bad time with everything lately and I really just can't seem to catch a break no matter how hard I try. It's driving me crazy how bad my luck is."

 

"What's wrong?"

 

"Well, you obviously know Seth and I broke up."

 

"Obviously."

 

[Hayden: "Well duh, I've always known Seth could do better. By better I mean myself, why do you think he wanted to bunk with Bryan after he split things off with you?"]
 

"Well..."

 

"Hold on Heather, let me get us some wine."

 

"No..." Heather said. "Sorry, no wine for me."

 

"What? Why?"

 

Heather once again said, "Well..." She pointed to her stomach.

 

"Oh, no..." Tori said in the typical oh-so-scandalous way you'd see on a show like Desperate Housewives. "You're kidding!"

 

[Jjs: *wakes up* Great, more shameless plugs. Let's see if this conversation goes anywhere.]
[Wumbo: And here I thought I had "ripping off Desperate Housewives" wrapped up in my spin-off, Coral Drive.]
[Hayden: Oh come on, where's your cheesy underwater parody name? If you've established the surface land then that means these fish are getting on land cable somehow, which would electrocute them all or some shit. Clearly I'm putting more thought into this than Past 70s did.]

 

"I wish."

 

"Is it... you know... Seth's?"

 

"Of course it is!"

 

"Well, that's a plus," Tori remarked.

 

"Really? I consider it more of a minus."

 

[Hayden: We all do.]
[Jjs: Aaaand this conversation continues to be boring filler. Excuse me while I go back to sleep.]
 

"And why's that?"

 

"Seth and I have broken up."

 

"I prefer to think that's not permanent," Tori told her, and patted her on the shoulder.

 

[Wumbo: "Seriously, you ever lived in this city before? Romances are more up and down than an elevator."]

 

"You two will work things out... and you'll have a baby together. Come on... a baby. When you were with Mark having a baby wasn't possible, remember? He couldn't produce a baby.

 

[Wumbo: At last, some insight into Mark's sex life.]
 

Now, you're with Seth... and he gave you a baby, Heather. That's kind of amazing if you really think about it. Now may be a difficult time, but you just have to work through it, because in the long run... I think it will be worth it."

 

"But how will we work things out? He'll hardly talk to me."

 

"I think God has a plan for everyone," Tori said.

 

[Wumbo: Oh, here we go. If God had a plan for everyone, this spin-off wouldn't exist.]

"And his plan for the two of you just isn't done yet. Just let it unfold and see what he has in store."

[Jjs: *wakes up* Well, that was a good nap! Who knew boring filler could make a guy sleep well? Keep it up Past 70s.]
[Hayden: So God planned for this age disparity of a couple to go through times of strife but ultimately work things out? Actually, I'll believe that considering He lets those Priests run wild.]
 

~~~
 

("Tainted Love" by Marilyn Manson [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rUD2HQrIjE ] plays throughout the scene)

 

The knife hit David directly in the forehead, and he fell over, dead.

 

[Jjs: Once again, most idiotic death ever. A chaos demon's weakness is...a knife to the head. What was the entire point of David now, and I guess we'll never get an answer of what the deal with that Miranda girl was? Well, now we know why he was called a loser at least.]
[Wumbo: And that is one slow-travelling knife. It took two scenes! You'd think David could have ducked or something.]
[Hayden: A bullet would have at least been more believable.]

Glinda ran to Bryan and hugged him.
 

"You just saved my life!" she said, panting. "I... can't believe it."

 

"Neither can I," Bryan said. "I couldn't have done it without you and your training."

 

[Jjs: WHAT TRAINING? All we saw was her blab on about him being The Chosen, and they failed to rescue Molly. Show don't tell can be handy here.]
[Hayden: Did they practice throwing knives at boards for hours on end? You might want a back-up plan for when you go against Astenias.]

 

"No," Glinda said. "You really couldn't have. Congratulations, Bryan. That looked effortless. You were amazing."

 

[Hayden: Glinda, your ego sure is showing. You're right though, it was effortless, as in any given fish with a knife could have successfully killed David.]
 

"Thank you," he said. "You looked pretty calm yourself."

 

"Let's just say it wasn't the first time I was held at knifepoint," Glinda said. 

 

[Jjs: I can only imagine...

*Glinda is seen in a kitchen being held at knifepoint by a chaos demon named John*

John: I'm tired of waiting, witch! This is what you get for not paying the money!
Glinda: It's not over, my generic apprentice will be here any second!
*Glinda's apprentice named Bob barges in*
Bob: Don't make any movements, John! I have...A KNIFE!
John: Oh yeah little boy? What are you gonna do about it?
Bob: *throws knife at John's head*
John: NOOOO.....*falls dead to the ground, with blood pouring everywhere*
Glinda: Thank you so much Bobby!
Bob: No problem! What did he want from you though?
Glinda: Well uh, heh heh...let's just say I get around with some...creatures. And since we're all alone...*begins to take off her clothes*
Bob: ...I don't like where this is going. Wait a second...now I know why your store sounds like a porn shop! *Glinda begins to strip him down* HEEEELLLLPPPP!!!!

Glinda really is a naughty witch.]

 

Suddenly, she gasped for air.

 

"What is it?"Bryan asked her.

She started to scream a blood-curdling scream, the likes of which Bryan had never heard.

[Jjs: Glinda finally cracked from the bad writing.]

Bryan grabbed onto her shoulders and started to shake her. "Glinda! Glinda, what is it?"

 

She continued to scream. Bryan kept shaking her. Finally, she stopped screaming, and breathed heavily.

[Hayden: All that random screaming sure can tire a witch out.]

"Glinda? What was that?"

[Wumbo: "Sorry, I had to practice faking an orgasm. You might think that supernatural sex lives up to its name, but it really doesn't."]
 

"We have to go!"

 

"What?"

 

"Now! We have to go now!"

 

"Why? What's going on?"

 

"The ritual... it's happening. Now."

 

[Jjs: You mean...plot advancement for once? A blessing from The Lord!]
[Hayden: I'll take it over whatever the hell David was supposed to be, proof that Bryan had somehow developed his skills as The Chosen? LOLNOPE DIDN'T WORK.]

 

~~~
 

Arianna was driving her boatmobile to the spot she was instructed to drive it to... Astenias's layer,

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: lair

Also, this is why vague details can suck sometimes. What and where is his lair? Description? Is it a cliche high-tech bad guy hideout with cool traps or what? The vagueness is killing me.]
[shrek: Onions have layers. Ogres have lairs.]

Naomi was in the back seat, silent. They were five miles from the the layer,

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: lair]
[shrek: Onions have... wait, what's going on here?]
 

and Arianna stopped. She went to the back seat, and knocked Naomi out cold with a punch to the face. She knew it would be better for the ritual if she was unconscious.

 

[Wumbo: It would be better for the readers if they were unconscious too.]
[Hayden: Then why didn't you do that earlier rather than compel her?]

Eventually, she arrived. She put the unconscious Naomi into her arms, and dropped her right next to Seth, who was badly bleeding, and also unconscious.

[Jjs: Please just kill Naomi already. PLEASE.]
[Hayden: Damnit, I thought Seth killed Astenias, will that bastard ever die?]

"Just waiting for one more guest now..." Astenias said with relish.

[Jjs: Gee, I wonder who it could be? Maybe that chosen guy you've been wanting to anal fuck since....*gets phone call* Okay okay fine, I'll stop with that joke already!]
[Hayden: COME ON, GIVE US A HINT! Jackie? Jake? Morgan? Heather? Tori? Anna? Molly? Hersht? Rainn? Kara? Dora? Brenda? Tristan? Alex? Mikayla? Charlea? Jordin? OH NO, I'VE ASKED TOO MANY QUESTIONS *is killed by Astenias*]

 

~~~
 

Anna was sitting in a hand-drawn circle on the floor of the room.

 

[Jjs: This is an oval. IT HAS TO BE A CIRCLE!]
 

Laura was reciting a spell that would hopefully transform her back into her natural form, and take her back underwater. Maybe even to Molly's location.

 

Then, Laura stopped with the spell.

 

"Are... Are you done?" Anna asked.

 

"Goodbye, Anna."

 

[Ghost Hayden:"Yeah, nice meeting you too and shit."]

 

The room lit up with light and Anna was gone.

[Jjs: So yeah, what was the point of having this be in New York again?]
[Ghost Hayden: I'm sure there's some hidden purpose if we look hard enough....*consults the spirits* Aha, the power to delay the climax of this plot and reveal Anna's a witch at a snail's pace.]
[Wumbo: Never underestimate the power of New York!]

~~~

"Let's go," Kara said. "It's time."

 

"Time for what?" Rainn asked

 

[Jjs: WHOA! For a second I thought they were going to turn into Liam or the SpongeBob characters. I guess it'll never be revealed why Molly supposedly kill their parents though. Oh well, we have a ritual to get to!]
[Ghost Hayden: Time to become relevant to the story again Rainn.]

 

The ritual of course, you idiot. Now, grab Molly. Teleport there. See you in a bit." And then she was gone.

 

Rainn sighed, like he so often did.

 

[Wumbo: Finally, a character I can identify with!]

 

He freed the unconscious Molly from the chains, and put her in his arms, then teleported to Astenias's layer.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: lair

 

That's three strikes. Unless someone can justify this, we're arresting this story again.]
[Ghost Hayden: I know how. Maybe Astenias has many layers to him, which would suggest he's more than a one dimensional antagonist.]
 

"Excellent," said Astenias. "Let's begin, shall we?"

 

[Jjs: Oh, so that's why Molly was kept alive. Astenias is going to rape her too, I knew it!]
[Ghost Hayden: Was it so hard to just tell me it was Molly? Was my death really worth all this trouble sir?]

 

~~~
 

"The ritual?" Bryan asked. "What ritual?"

 

"Astenias. The ritual... I can explain later. We need to kill him. The ritual... it involves sacrifice. Molly, Seth, and Naomi are the ones that Astenias is sacrificing."

 

[Jjs: Please at least sacrifice the last two.]
[Ghost Hayden: If only he had the smarts to sacrifice some random fish nobody cares about instead of a bunch of teenagers connected to Bryan, then his plan wouldn't be so easily foiled.]
[Wumbo: Isn't this just sweet? The entire cast is getting together for one big, grandiose scene. Let's hope it doesn't disappoint! It's... it's going to disappoint, isn't it?]

"Let's go," Bryan said immediately.

The two of them ran out into Bryan's boatmobile, and Bryan drove as fast as he could.

[Ghost Hayden: Are Astenias and Bryan finally about to meet? After 39 long episodes?! No way, he'll back out again, I know it.]
[Jjs: It's like when Ash finally met Giovanni, except without the hype. Also, don't drive too fast Bryan, or you'll end up like Temperance.]

~~~
 

("Turning Tables" by Adele [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx7sLNyIeQk ] plays throughout the scene)

 

"Evicted?" Jake asked. "As in...?"

[Ghost Hayden: Morgan, you really should have used smaller words.]
[Jjs: Evicted. Definition: expel (someone) from a property, especially with the support of the law.]

"As in evicted."
 

“Well why?"

 

"Not paying the bills, Jake!"

 

[Ghost Hayden: Well, that's kind of an important part of owning your own home, you really should have kept on top of that considering you knew Morgan's problem, but I guess you got dumbed down again.]
[Wumbo: Oh uh, this plot exists again. Just join the ritual, guys. Everybody else is doing it!]
[Jjs: Except for Liam and the SpongeBob characters, they didn't get invited. I really wonder what he and the others are up to in the Forgotten Character Zone anyways...

*Scene cuts to SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Charlea and Liam all in the Forgotten Character Zone playing cards*

Patrick: So...any of you got any fives?
Liam: No...go fish.
Charlea: Waaah! Waaaah!
SpongeBob: Well, this stinks.
Squidward: It's better than being in the actual spin-off.
SpongeBob: True...true.]
 

“Then pay the damn bills!" Jake yelled.

 

"Oh, so this is my fault?" Morgan yelled right back at him.

 

[Wumbo: "I'm bitchier than you!" "No, I am!" "No, me!"]
 

"Yes, Morgan, it is! You don't work but you keep spending money! So yes, it is completely your fault!"

 

"We have money!" Morgan yelled. "We have a bunch of money that you refuse to spend because you're too proud to!"

 

[Jjs: Great, another tedious Jake and Morgan scene. We all know this is going to end in a break-up, so I'll just fast forward.]
 

"It wouldn't be responsible!"

 

"What would be responsible is getting a job that pays more than minimum wage! You have to grow up eventually! You can't work at the Smoothie Shack forever, Jacob!"

 

[Jjs: Gentlemen...I think we finally have the most intelligent quote of the entire spin-off.]
[Wumbo: What?! Say it isn't so!]
[Ghost Hayden: I thought that was everyone's go-to life plan though?]
 

"Oh please, don't Jacob me, you're not my mother."

 

"Funny you bring up your mother."

 

[Wumbo: Oedipus complex in 3... 2...]
 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

"She wouldn't mind if you spent the money, you know. There's plenty to go around with your family, you know."

 

[Wumbo: You know, this is really weak writing, you know. No one actually talks like this, you know. It's actually pretty fucking annoying, you know.]
[Ghost Hayden: Morgan, you're kind of being a greedy bitch, YOU KNOW.]
 

"It's not about that!"

 

"Then what's it about, Jake?"

 

Jake tightly grabbed Morgan's shoulder and loudly shouted at her, "This is about making it on my own! Now shut the fuck up for once, Morgan!"

[Jjs: Whoa, don't pull a Liam now, not like he'll be referenced anyways.]
[Ghost Hayden: Actually yes, please pull a Liam, that way you'll never appear in this spin-off again.]
[Wumbo: Knock her unconscious! Again, everyone's doing it!]
 

"Let me go, you bastard!" she yelled.

 

Jake was looking her straight in the eye, and finally he let go.

 

Morgan was having painful flashbacks of her relationship with Liam at the beginning of the year. "Fuck you, you son of a bitch!" she yelled, and slapped him. "We're through! For good!" She left and slammed the door.

 

[Jjs: Holy crap, a Liam reference? Well that was unexpected, too bad we'll still never see him again.]
[Wumbo: And it's too bad that Past 70s refused to bring up what happened during that relationship. Liam who? Liam wha?]
[Ghost Hayden: Morgan should know violence only leads to more violence. *possesses Jake and makes him slap Morgan to death*]

~~~
 

(“Locust Flowers" by Radiohead [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR1yc-2-_ek ] plays throughout the scene)

 

"Brenda, I'm sure everything is going to be okay," Hersht said.

 

[Jjs: In Bikini Top language, that means it won't be.]

[Ghost Hayden: Enough of your love story Hersht, go stop the sacrifice and help Bryan like you've been mumbling on about for 20+ chapters.]

 

"Of course it is, I compelled her," said Brenda. "But that's not the point!"

 

"What is the point then?"

 

"Doing things like this to my daughter... it's wrong, Hersht. I shouldn't have to do this. It's just... bad to do."

 

"You don't have a choice," said Hersht. "Unless you want to tell her and your husband."

 

"I can't do that," said Brenda. "All of us are still having a hard time with Temperance's death. Doing that just won't work. At least not now."

 

[Jjs: WHOA! Temperance's death was referenced?]
 

"If not now, then when?"

 

"Just not now, Herhst!"

 

[Hersht: "How about you say my fucking name right, bitch."]

"Then Brenda, I can't help you."
 

"Why not?"

 

"I don't know what you want me to say."

 

"You can always make me feel better, Hersht! You always do. Just... do it now."

 

[Ghost Hayden: I thought Tristan and his comforting words during your cancer were what made you feel better.]

"There's nothing I can say," said Hersht. "You did what you did to Mikayla. The only way to undo it is to tell her and Tristan the truth.

[Wumbo: And here we have yet another pointlessly long speech! Let's break things up with fun facts!]

 

There's no two ways about that, Brenda.

[Wumbo: Fun fact: Dolphins sleep with one eye open.]

I'm not saying what you did was wrong. I'm not saying it was right.

[Wumbo: Fun fact: Captain Kirk never actually said, "Beam me up, Scotty."]

You just did it, and there is no getting around that.

[Wumbo: Fun fact: This spin-off blows dolphin chunks.]

 

Not now, not ever. You're going to have to face this eventually."

"Face what?"

[Ghost Hayden: Whine, rinse, repeat with these two.]

 

"What you are. Being a vampire isn't all fun and games."

 

"When has it EVER been fun and games?"

 

"Remember what I told you when you asked me to turn you? I said that being dead is better than being undead, Brenda. And it's true. You made your decision that day. You have to deal with it. You either tell your family, or deal with the consequences it will have."

 

[Jjs: I'm not a fan of time skips, but here's one scene I'd like us to actually skip through. Seriously, WE FUCKING GET IT. *goes back to sleep* Wake me up when it's over.]
[Wumbo: SHUT THE FUCK UP!]
[Ghost Hayden: Well, she can still die by stake, it's not too late for that. Do it already if being undead is such a hassle. I know I'd prefer to be alive right now after that son of a bitch you never got around to killing destroyed me.]

 

“What consequences?"

 

"It will eat at your conscience. But more importantly, them not knowing could put them in danger if there's ever a threat."

 

"Well, thanks for the help," Brenda said sourly. She left.

 

"Sarcasm. Nice." Hersht sighed. "I love her..."

 

He had momentarily forgotten about the heightened hearing that came with vampirism, and immediately Brenda was by his side again.

 

"So you finally admit it," she said softly.

 

[Wumbo: Not another creepy romance! Ugh.]
[Ghost Hayden: Yes, he does, now have Vampire Jex, kill Tristan and Mikayla, and get all this shit out of your system so you can actually get involved in the climax of this horrible show.]

~~~

[Jjs: *wakes up* Alright folks, we're almost done! Can I stay awake for these last 3 scenes? Probably not, but it's worth the challenge!]

All three sacrifices were arranged in a circle.

[Jjs: This is an oval! IT HAS TO BE A CIRCLE!]
 

"Arianna, Mitchell, go get Rita," said Astenias.

 

Both said "Yes sir" in unison then walked to get the witch.

 

Suddenly, there was a blast of white light, and a confused Anna was there.

 

[Astenias: "Welcome, your lesbian lover is about to be anal raped, and you have a front row seat! We've got some vampire popcorn and soda stands over there, they only cost 10 dollars!"]
[Ghost Hayden: Anna is always confused, isn't she?]

~~~
 

"Mom, why won't you just sign the forms to let me drop out?"

 

"That's not the future I want for you, Jackie," Sarah told her daughter.

 

"What do you mean by that?"

 

"Pregnant as a teenager and then dropping out of high school? What would that look like on your resume, honey?"

 

[Jjs: Why is Jackie just choosing now to drop out when Charlea was born ages ago? Then again, Charlea is still probably dead. Who knows, maybe Bryan will get Jackie pregnant? Wouldn't that be a twist?]
[Ghost Hayden: I didn't know you put pregnancies on a resume. But considering Bikini Top's standards, I think she'd do just fine.]

"Not great..." Jackie admitted.

"Right," Sarah said. "Now, I want you to have a great life, and a great job.

[Wumbo: OH MY GOD THE FUCKING BLATHERING! Fine, fine. More fun facts.]

I want the world for you, Jackie. And for you to have the world you need to work at it.

[Wumbo: Fun fact: Amy Poehler has blond hair.]

You need to finish high school, and you need to go to college after that.

[Wumbo: Fun fact: There's a Superman reference in every episode of Seinfeld.]

 

I know we're not hurting for money at all right now, but I want you to make something for yourself out there.

[Wumbo: Fun fact: This running gag will probably be stolen by the Nostalgia Critic. Or maybe I'm stealing it from him. Whatever.]
 

I want you to leave your mark on the world so everyone can know how special you are."

 

[Ghost Hayden: Jackie is special? But she isn't some crazy supernatural monster of the Chosen One! She's just extra-ordinary. Not extraordinary.]

 

Jackie sat there silently. "Thank you, Mom."

 

"No problem, sweetie."

 

She hugged her tightly.

 

[Jackie: "Can't breath mom..."]

 

~~~
 

("Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcbAibPA2yY ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Wumbo: Yeah I called it woohoo whatever kill me]

"Molly!" Anna yelled, then went and hugged the still body of her girlfriend. It was seconds later that she noticed Seth and Naomi lying there as well. "What is going on?"

"Oh look, it's Anna!" Arianna said when she got back.

"Oh, not you..." Anna said.

 

[Ghost Hayden: The girl who stole your name and put an "Ari" in front of it.]

 

"Missed ya!" said Arianna.

[Jjs: WHOA! A Season 1 callback?!?! This is true witchcraft.]
[Ghost Hayden: Too bad she doesn't remember the Trey incident and thus the impact of them meeting face to face again is weakened.]

 

Bryan and Glinda arrived at that moment.

 

"Anna!" Bryan said. "What are you doing here?"

 

"BRYAN!" Anna squealed, and hugged him. "Haven't seen you in forever!"

 

[Jjs: Anna getting giddy for Bryan...well, they are both attempted murders. Hayden's OTP just might come true.]
[Ghost Hayden: Bryanna, or we can just call them Brianna.]
[Wumbo: YAAAY LOOK BRYAN PEOPLE ARE DEAD OR SOMETHING]

"No time for this, you two," Glinda said. "Bryan, get to work with the killing and all."

[Wumbo: Step it up with the writing and all.]

"Mitchell..." Bryan said. "You're a..."
 

"A vampire," Mitchell said. "Yes. An evil one, at that. An evil vampire that's about to kill you."

 

[Wumbo: Well, that line of dialogue pretty much killed me. So, good job Mitchell.]

He extended his fangs and lunged towards Bryan. Bryan immediately pulled out a stake and staked him right through the heart. He fell over, dead.

[Jjs: Welp, that rendered Mitchell being revived pointless again. *phones the Padding Police* You guys sure you don't want to come back?]
[Ghost Hayden: I've noticed the one thing Past 70s refuses to draw out are these death scenes, yet he'll make everything else go on for a decade. It has to be intentional torture.]

"That was... awesome," Anna said.

"Oh... you're a witch, aren't you sweetie?" said Rita, who was now standing there.

"Me?" Anna asked. "Yes... I guess I am."

[Ghost Hayden: Are you going to ask Glinda that same question?]

"Wonderful!" Rita replied. "Hope you're ready to die." She sent a bolt of red firing right towards Anna, and Anna was hit, and promptly knocked out cold.

[Ghost Hayden: NOT A BOLT OF RED FIRING! Whatever the hell that is....]

"Will a witch improve the ritual at all?" Rita asked.

"Significantly..." said Astenias.

 

"Wonderful," Rita said.

"Arianna, escort the Chosen and his witch bitch out of here please," Astenias said.

[Jjs: ...Witch bitch? Great, even when the bad guy tries to be funny, he sucks at it.]
[Wumbo: Which bitch? Seriously, there's a lot to choose from.]
[Ghost Hayden: Edgy Astenias, edgy....I'd take Kan more seriously as the villain at this rate.]

"Yes master," Arianna said. She walked towards the two of them, and Bryan kicked her in the face. She fell over.

[Ghost Hayden:

]

 

"We're not going anywhere," Bryan said.

"Oh, this is getting ridiculous..." Kara said. "All of it. I mean, really.

[Wumbo: Oh, fuck it. No, I'm not reading this text.]

What the fuck is even going on? It's one huge mess that I'm bored of dealing with. And it's not even the 'good guys' trying to stop it that's pissing me off. It's the thing itself. I know if it's not done vampires can't be in the sun, at least not above water or whatever, blah blah blah. Ancient ritual... walking in the sun curse. I've heard it all before. It's so damn old and I'm tired of hearing about it. Helping you with this ritual does nothing for me, and I'm finally realizing that. I'm a goddess, you're just some pathetic vampire. I'm better than you. I'm more powerful than you. I can kill you. And I'm going to."

[Jjs: Is Kara speaking for the riffers?]
[Ghost Hayden: 11/10. Kara had the best rant of the episode, I think she even taught us a thing or two.]

She immediately goes over to Astenias and cracks his neck. He falls over, dead.

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]
[Wumbo: ...of the neck, Mr. Shyamalan?]
[Ghost Hayden: FINALLY, THAT BASTARD IS DEAD! I'll almost miss his Bryan obsession, but clearly Past 70s wanted a villain he developed 1 percent better in Kara.]
[Rita: *resurrects Hayden* Sorry, my boss was a bit of an ass, so I resurrected you in order to further spit on his pathetic grave.]
[Hayden: IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK! *realizes where I am* Forget what I just said.]

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP
"You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC
"Beat It" by Michael Jackson
"Paper Gangsta" by Lady Gaga
"Under the Gun" by The Killers
"Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac
"Tainted Love" by Marilyn Manson
"Turning Tables" by Adele
"Locust Flowers"by Radiohead
"Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica

This was the hardest episode yet to write, and I think it was worth it! Best episode ever, amirite? Spinny-worthy? Seriously, please review.

[Jjs: *throws knife at episode*]
[Hayden: *tosses Spinny to the 70s*]
[Past 70s: Wow Hayden, you aren't half bad after all, and here I thought you were just one of those lame members that didn't appreciate my excellent writing. *Spinny blows up*]
[Hayden: Did I forget to mention the Spinny was a bomb? Anyways, I'm glad we're finally to the climactic battle, despite the execution predictably sucking. Also Morgan, Jake, and Jackie appear to have been sidelined from it all. I have high hopes that Liam at least comes back and wrecks shit up for a finale plot for that little side group. Otherwise, they'll continue to be useless or be shoved into this battle where they don't belong. Tough to say where this is all heading, I hope a lot more death happens.]
[Wumbo: Meh.]

Edited April 10, 2017 by jjsthekid

[So Sejima]

What the fuck is even going on? It's one huge mess that I'm bored of dealing with. And it's not even the 'good guys' trying to stop it that's pissing me off. It's the thing itself. I know if it's not done vampires can't be in the sun, at least not above water or whatever, blah blah blah. Ancient ritual... walking in the sun curse. I've heard it all before. It's so damn old and I'm tired of hearing about it. Helping you with this ritual does nothing for me, and I'm finally realizing that. I'm a goddess, you're just some pathetic vampire. I'm better than you. I'm more powerful than you. I can kill you. And I'm going to."

[Trophy: My god our reactions in a nutshell...]

She immediately goes over to Astenias and cracks his neck. He falls over, dead.

[Trophy: 

 ]

[Metal Snake]

I realize now that that episode actually wouldn't have been that bad if not for the lame deaths and lame ending. Good job everyone, but I'm surprised that no one riffed this...

 

"Astenias said with relish."

 

He said with...relish? Was he eating a hotdog while talking or did he just want condiments with his dialogue?