SBC Rising

[Old Man Jenkins]

Scoop 1-2: I'M CUTE LOL

We see our god damn hero about to partake in Omair's photo challenge. Omair mockingly explains to Jenk just how to operate that LeapPad of his before finally initiating the challenge.

Omair: Alright, first thing's first old man, I want you to take a picture of me taking a picture of you. Sounds simple enough, right?

Jenk: Sure, pictureceptio-

Omair: LOOK OVER HERE!

Omair takes a quick pic of Jenk with his camera, blinding him with the flash, taking our old man off guard.

Jenk: Whoa! What?

Omair: Look alive, old man. Look alive!

Jenk: I was barely even ready you darn whip-

Omair: HEY YOU'RE ON CAMERA!

And Omair takes another quick pic. Jenk was just blinded by the light.

Omair: How's about a little change of locales.

Jenk: Son of a bitch!

Omair: AHAHA!

Revved up like a deuce, Omair sprints his way out of Chipotle.

Jenk: Hold on there, Jethro!

Jenk whips out his ipad and gives chase. Omair stops in his tracks and spins around towards Jenk, ready to take another picture.

Omair: DON'T YOU LOOK JUST ADORBS LMAO!

Jenk had his ipad at the ready and snapped a pic of Omair right as Omair took his own pic. Jenk timed it just right as he earned 700 PP for it.

Jenk: Fantastiche!

Omair: Wow Jenk, I guess you have a few more good years left in ya.

Jenk:

Omair: Now, I want you snap a picture of me striking my signature pose

Jenk: Piece of-

Omair quickly strikes some five second poses as Jenk throws up his ipad and just snaps a pic at random, cutting off the right side of Omair's body.

Jenk: FAK!

Omair: AHAHA!

Omair laughed before sprinting down the stairs where a good number of Spambots were grouping up, spamming. Jenk contemplated whether or not he should save him if things should go south before heading down after him. Omair was just snapping pics of the Spambots without a care in the world.

Jenk: This guy is making me look bad.

Omair gets a little too close for comfort and the Spambots begin attacking him with spam, one of them grabbing hold of him.

Jenk: the things I do for a bigger ego.

Jenk goes to jump kick the zombie grabbing him, but Omair surprises him by knocking the spambot back on his own before finishing it of with one of his signature running kicks, knocking it away a good, what looks like, 20 feet.

Jenk: Shit son.

Omair strikes his pose in victory but Jenk was too much in shock to pay attention in time.

Jenk: BARNACLES!

Omair: Not fast enough, Jenkman. NOT FAST ENOUGH,

A spambot shuffles towards Omair from behind.

Jenk: This looks like a job for a goddamn hero.

Jenk whips out the pistol Chassie gave him from his inventory and unloads three of his 30 rounds into that one Spambot. Omair strikes another pose as he was preoccupied with the spambot

Jenk: FISH PASTE!

Omair: Take a picture man! Don't you even know how?

Three Spambots begin to approach Jenk, who was ready to fill them full of holes, when Omair takes all three down with a single headshot each from a pistol of his own.

Jenk: Anybody could've done tha-

Omair: AHAHA!

Omair laughs, striking more five second poses, causing Jenk to miss his shot once again.

Jenk: TARTAR SAUCE!

Omair: Is it hot in here to you, or it it just me? Yeah, it's probably just me.

Another spambot approaches Jenk. In anger, he looks to finish it off with a karate chop.

Jenk: HAAAAA SHITA-

Omair suddenly intercepts and kills the spambot with another one his 20 feet running kicks. One-upping Jenk yet again. Jenk pulls out his pistol and proceeds to shoot Omair in the face with it, but since guns in this game are underpowered against regular people, it did little to nothing to Omair's health.

Omair: Dammit! What's wrong with you, man? Dick!

Jenk, knowing his pattern by now, has his camera app at the ready.

Omair: AHAHA!

Omair strikes his pose and Jenk captures it

For 700 PP!

Jenk: Fantastiche!

A cutscene activates and we once again see Jenk and Omair outside of Chipotle on the second floor. Omair paces around with Jenk's ipad in hand, examining his pictures, as Jenk stands waiting with his arms folded like a boss.

Omair: Hmmm...well it's in focus, and the composition's okay I suppose... Uh-huh. That ain't half bad! Okay, here comes the next one Jenkie. But first...feast your eyes on my work. Now this, is my most emotionally moving shot. Check it out.

Jenk peers in at Omair's camera and sees a photo of two llamas rubbing heads together.

Jenk: Alright.

Omair: Now this, is my most sexiest shot.

Omair scrolls over to a pic of the two llamas having intercourse. Jenk simply wonders why this has such a hard-on for llamas as Omair goes to scroll down his picture roll some more.

Omair: Uh-uh, uh-uh! You like that don't you, I see you smirking! Okay. And this... is my most violent shot.

Omair shows Jenk a pic of the two llamas both being shot in the head. Jenk has a hard time holding in the chipotle he just ate and simply pushes Omair away from him in disgust as if he hasn't seen anything worse since he's been here.

Omair: Okay, here's the deal Jenkie. You've got to go out there and take an even sexier pic, sexier than the one I showed you today! You think you can handle that huh?

Jenk takes time to ponder this before giving Omair a thumbs up.

Jenk: Yeah.

Omair: I'll see you tomorrow, old man. Same place!

Omair proceeds to sprint off into the plaza as Jenk head off in the opposite direction.

Jenk: What is he, nuts?

Jenk makes his way down to the first floor before exiting the plaza, stepping out into the community park in the middle of the mall. He looks at his watch, Backup for Badwas still in the blue and a new scoop, Photo Challenge was added. Free for the time being Jenk looks to be heading off to help Bad like he promised Chassie he would, but takes a right turn and enters the North Plaza. Bad can wait,

[Aya♥]

4/10

[Sauce Mama]

HA, Omair was amazing in this one.

[dragiiin123]

why did Locust Abortion Technician have to die

[Old Man Jenkins]

Scoop 2-1: Ex Marks The Spot

Our goddamn hero enters the North Plaza to find it crowded with zombies and in a somewhat state of disarray. It looked as if it was still under construction before the spam raid started, but a few shops were open. Jenk could see Wooden Steel's Hardware Saloon and another Internet cafe to charge up his ipad, which he did. There was a bag of snacks lying in the empty fountain in the center of the entrance area of the plaza. Jenk proceeded to pick it up and chug it down, not caring whether or not it was past expiration, let alone it being in a fountain. Jenk took out his map of the Glove Universe Mall to get a better feel of the place.

Jenk: Dafuq, there's a gun and blade shop here? Aloha to dat!

And Jenk proceeded to navigate his way through the North Plaza, opting to go through the spambot infested halls. He slices through the somewhat spammy crowds with his katana before making his way to the side hall that leads straight to the gun shop.

Jenk: Fuckin A!

But Spambots still litter the hall and a group of them began to shuffle their way towards him. He had little to no choice but to fight them off. He once again brandished his katana and hoped for the best.

Jenk: Get back! Get back I say!

They still inched their ways toward him. Jenk took one mighty horizontal slice, eviscerating three Spambots at once.

Jenk: Tallyho!

Jenk charges into the crowd, katana blazing and blood splattering. The katana in his inventory begins flashing red.

Jenk: Somebody call Quentin Tarantino! Tell em to bring his camera.

Jenks' katana suddenly breaks on him mid-fight.

Jenk: How can you break a katana?!

The Spambots, seeing his plight, begin to storm him in numbers.

Jenk: Oh dang.

The Spambots lay siege to Jenk, grabbing and spamming him as he struggles to break free.

Jenk: AAAAHHHH!

Jenk manages to fight his way free from their clutches and opts to simply run his way through with some success. He pushes and shoves his way out of the crowd and finally finds himself in front of the gunshop.

Jenk: Oh praise Neptune!

Jenk races toward the doors of the shop and rushed inside, only to trigger a cutscene. Buena, just buena. Frank enters the store to see two users at a standstill inside. One user was behind the counter, aiming a shotgun at both the other user and Jenk. Jenk looked at bar above the other user's head to see that it was Ex Kizuna.

Ex Kizuna: Look, PatAss, if we're gonna fight these Spambots we need guns!

PatBack takes a potshot at the ceiling of the shop in a mad attempt to drive Ex and Jenk off.

PatBack: Stay back! I trust these Spambots about as far as I can throw em, but I trust you SBCers even less!

Ex and Jenk glance each other before proceeding closer to PatBack with caution.

Ex: Don't shoot. Lets just try and talk this shit over.

PatBack: You can now talk to my 12 gauge! Don't get no closer or I'll blow all y'all SBCers to kingdom cum!

Ex proceeds to inch closer on his own.

Jenk: Look guy, why won't you get your panties out of that bunch so we can jus-

All of a sudden, PatBack sounds off another shot, nailing Ex right in the chest and sending him flying out of the shop.

Jenk: Aw geez! That's just overpowered right there.

PatBack cocks his gun before aiming it back at Jenk.

PatBack: Now goddammit, I warned you. In a forum like this, I can't afford to trust nobody!

[Aya♥]

4/10

[Sauce Mama]

Patback is even disturbing in lits.

[Burgerpants]

Make me join da party!

Attacks:
RC storm (RC standing for Robot Chicken)
Blast

Katana Slice

[crushingmayhem]

Great job with the lit, hopefully the next chapter will be even better.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Two installments of this baby today to make up for the lack of one yesterday. I know, I'm generous.

Scoop 2-2: I Ran (So Far Away)

After the dreadful loading screen after the cutscene, we join our goddamn hero where we last left off, face to face with PatBack in the gunshop. Shit gets realer when the boss music starts playing.

(Music was supposed to be here but #mobileproblems apparently)

Before he can even make a move, PatBack blasts Jenk out of the store with his 12 gauge, taking off half a block of his health. Jenk immediately gets back up after taking a shotgun shell head-on and hides around the corner of the shop door outside. PatBack paces back and forth behind the counter inside, waiting for Jenk to make his next move.

PatBack: Good luck taking my guns, SBCer!

PatBack unloads some shells at the door as Jenk sifts through his inventory and whips out his sub machine gun that still has 125 rounds in it. He gets in position and waits for PatBack to cease fire before hopping out for his own offensive. The transceiver suddenly starts to ring, throwing Jenk out of his groove before he answers it.

Jenk: What is it?!

JCMtis: Jenk, it appears you've made your way into the North Plaza. That place is a little iffy what with all the construction going on and whatnot-

Jenk: You think I don't already know this?! I've been in here for like 20 minutes!

JCMtis: I just felt as though you needed a somewhat more informative layout of the place. People do love it when I explain things, after all. Now here's an interesting tidbit, there's actually a gun shop located in this specific vicinity that I think you may very well find to be quite useful.

Jenk: I know! I'm outside it, locked in a battle of life or death out here all because of you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself!

JCMtis: You're doing god's work, Jenkman. And by god, I do mean myself.

Jenk: When I get back, and I ain't giving you no "if" business, when get back there, yo-

The line went dead.

Jenk: GAH!

PatBack: These are my guns!

Jenk: No shirt, no shoes, NO SERVICE!

Jenk shouts before jumping out and unloading his SMG on PatBack, who is just getting pelted by a barrage of lead. Jenk fires out all 125 rounds, but only manages to take down about half of Patback's health.

Jenk: Fucking underpowered gun-

And Jenk gets knocked back by another shotgun shell, knocking him down to four health blocks. He scrambles to the side and out of PatBack's range of fire to think of an alternative before glancing over the door to see PatBack rejuvenating some of his health by downing some whiskeys.

Jenk: SON OF A BITCH

Jenk now whips out the handgun that Chassie gave him from his inventory and unloads all 30 bullets into the psychopathic user, only dealing a fraction of the damage the SMG dealt.

Jenk: GRRR HAOLES! HAOLES!

In the midst of his frustration, PatBack lays another potshot in him, taking Jenk down to two and a half health blocks. Jenk scrambles to his usual spot, trying to think of other options.

Jenk: I know! I'll stun him, sneak around and grab some guns, then take him by surprise.

He sees a bag of snacks nearby the trash and sticks that up his ass because who knows where he's keeping all this shit. He takes the book of blades for his katana out and reads it again in a split second before rushing the door and throwing it at PatBack.

Jenk: For glory!

The book connects to his face and PatBack stumbles back in pain.

Jenk: How the hell did that do more damage than the handgun?

Jenk asks himself before rushing the counter. He jumps behind the counter, but decides to take this moment to lay it into PatBack a bit like everybody else does. He pounces PatBack with a flurry of rights and lefts, all doing very little to no real damage on his health whatsoever.

Jenk: If you don't like it here, then allow to send you packing to where you belong! In he-

PatBack suddenly takes Jenk down with a haymaker before lifting his entire body up overhead.

PatBack: No SBCers! Especially at this hour!

PatBack proceeds to body slam Jenk over the counter, causing him to land hard against the displays of the store, taking another block of his health down. Jenk gets back up to his feet and rushes outside, miraculously dodging each shot PatBack fired at him. Battle-damaged and fatigued, Jenk struggles for breath before taking the bag of snacks out from his ass. He jumps in front of the door and throws the snacks.

Jenk: EAT THIS

Jenk cries out before eating more shells. Now down to only one block of health, Jenk could only do one thing.

[Aya♥]

4/10

[Sauce Mama]

Great episode. HAOLES! HAOLES!

[Old Man Jenkins]

Scoop 2-3: Blow-Out Prices

We see our goddamn running away from the heat of the battle with Pat Back by pushing and shoving his way through the waves of Spambots that have re-spawned in the hall. He avoids a few close calls before entering the main hall once again.

Jenk: I need some food

Jenk tells himself before looking at the low battery life on his ipad.

Jenk: And a recharging station.

Seeing as how the ground floor is too littered with Spambots to traverse through safely, Jenk looked off the the side and saw a wood and metal scaffolding used during the construction of the plaza. They lead straight through the hall, a much healthier alternative.

Jenk: Why the fuck not?

Jenk jumps onto the scaffolding and proceeds to parkour the shit out of it. He comes across a coffee creamer along the way and instantly downs that shit down whole no matter the expiration date or how long it's been out in the warm hall exactly. It miraculously heals some of his injuries raises his health up to four blocks

Jenk: Fuckin A!

He makes his way all the way to the other side of the plaza and hops down, grabbing himself a lead pipe for protection. He knocks a few Spambots' heads in before heading inside Crushing Mayhem's Blade Store, where there's a sale on bladed weapons up to 100% off.

Jenk: Fantastiche!

He exclaims to himself before taxing a big ole Dear Vikings battle axe. He stuffs that up his ass before taking the lead pipe back out. He exits the store to see Clap Mart right across the hall.

Jenk: Food...water...ATMOSPHERE

Jenk runs up to the store and goes to open the entrance doors.

DOOR IS LOCKED

Jenk: FAK!

Jenk takes the battle axe out of his inventory and proceeds to take a few jabs at the door, but it's apparently made out of the hardest material known to mankind. After that heartbreaking moment, Jenk finds himself under siege by a large crowd of Spambots.

Jenk: Get the fuck off of me!

Jenk yelled out before hacking and slashing away at the Spambots with the axe. The Spambots continue to converge around him, giving him no other choice but to seek refuge in one of the plaza's unfinished stores. He hurries inside the empty, still under construction, store. The Spambots slowly follow suit as Jenk tries to find another way out. He heads to the back of the store and comes across a backroom service hallway most likely used by security. Throwing caution to the wind at this point, Jenk rushes down the hall and away from the hostile horde before they can whet his whistle anymore.

He continues down the hall before being stopped in his tracks by three security guards who have all been converted into Spambots. Two of them have a nightstick in hand while the third is armed with a handgun. With his battle axe in hand, he cuts all three down before they could do any damage. He picks up the handgun and sticks it up the inventory in his ass.

Jenk: Fuckin A!

Jenk continues down the hall before finding himself in another empty store space conveniently located near the gunshop.

Jenk: Buena, just buena!

Jenk slowly paces around the store, thinking over a strategy of how to take out Pat Back. He spots a stray propane tank at the corner of the room and smirks a little.

Meanwhile inside the gunshop, Pat Back was rocking out on his banjo and chugging down some root beer behind the counter, no doubt rejuvenating all his health by now. He finishes his number and kisses his banjo.

Pat Back: Joe, you're the only thing in this dangum Community that really understands me-

Jenk: I DO PROPANE!

Jenk yells out before throwing the propane tank into the store. It lands in front of the counter as Pat Back looks on unimpressed before cocking his 12-gauge.

Pat Back: GET OFF OF MY PROPERTAY!

Jenk: Not today, Zurg!

Jenk whips out his 30-round handgun and takes aim, shooting the propane tank before Pat Back could take a shot, creating a fiery explosion that sends Pat Back flying back against the gun displays.

Jenk: For glory!

Jenk busts out his battle axe and rushes the counter, jumping up and striking Pat Back with a vertical strike with the axe and taking his health down to half now. Not wasting anymore time, Jenk grabs a bottle of root beer before grabbing a shotgun and sniper rifle down from the displays before planting them firmly up his inventory. He grabs Pat Back's banjo and throws it right in his face, stunning him some more.

Pat Back: No SBCers!

Pat Back shouts out before surprising Jenk with another haymaker. He lefts him up overhead again for another gorilla press body slam.

Pat Back: Especially at this hour!

Pat Back throws Jenk over the counter and onto the displays hard again, taking off a block of his health. Jenk scrambles to leave the store, but Pat Back shoots him in the back twice and sending Jenk flying out of the store, down to two health blocks.

Pat Back: You ain't leavin here in one piece, SBCer!

Jenk retreats off to the the side and out of Pat Back's range. He downs the bottle of root beer and recovers the rest of his six health blocks. Jenk turns to the corner to see Pat Back chugging down some of his own. A PP Sticker appears over Pat Back's head as he does so and Jenk snaps himself a lil bit of that, earning himself 1000 prestige points. He whips out his 30-shot sniper rifle and begins unloading on him with a flurry of shots to Pat Back's head. Pat Back tries fighting back, but has little to no successor overcoming Jenk's onslaught.

Jenk: WE DON'T WANT ANY!

Jenk connects with about 10 good head shots, which is enough to finally bring Pat Back's health down to zero. We cut to another cutscene as Pat Back drops his shotty, having ran out of ammo. Jenk enters the store as Pat Back cowers back in fear for his life.

Pat Back: Damn mister! Come one now! Wh-What're you, crazy?! You-you want guns so bad that y'all are willin to kill for em!?

Jenk: In Laiman's Terms...

Pat Back staggers out from behind the counter and proceeds to make a run for it.

Pat Back: Lemme go!

Jenk: Hey!

Pat Back: Pleeease!

Pat Back rushes pass Jenk and heads for the door.

Jenk: I say! Don't you want your root beer?!

Pat Back exits the store but finds himself tackled down by what looks to be Ex Kizuna, now having been converted into a spambot as well.

Pat Back: AAAHHH!

Pat Back cried out as Ex looked to finish him off. The cutscene ends and Jenk is left with a choice over whether he should save Pat Back or not.

Jenk: You can't be serious? After all this bullshit, you expect me to-

A PP Sticker pops up over Pat Back and Ex's struggle.

Jenk: PP!

He snaps a pic of that before whipping out his lead pipe.

Jenk: Whatever the hell gets me more points.

Jenk whacks Ex off Pat Back right in the knick of time before dragging him back into the store on his (pat)back.

PSYCHOPATH DEFEATED: 25,000 PP Earned!

LEVEL UP! Health ^^^! Inventory ^^^! New Moves Learned: Hammer Throw & Football Tackle!

PAT BACK HAS BEEN SAVED

Pat Back: Geez mister, what the hell was all that fer? After all this shit that just went down, you still decided to save me?

Jenk: Mostly for the points, yes.

Pat Back gets back up to his feet.

Pat Back: I guess not all y'all SBCers are that bad after all. I tell ya what, you be welcome around these here parts anytime you damn well please!

Jenk: I'm just giddy.

Pat Back: And to show ya that I ain't that much of a bad guy meself, you can pick up as much weapons and ammo as you damn well please!

Jenk: Sounds cherry.

Pat Back: For a nominal fee, of course, if I do reckon! We have ourselves a guaran-damn-deal, partner?

Jenk whips out his shotgun and unloads on his PatAss until all his health was gone.

PATBACK IS DEAD

Jenk: Ahhhhh, nobody'll miss em.

[Sauce Mama]

"Not today, Zurg." xDDD Great ep, Jenkins.

[Aya♥]

4/10

[So Sejima]

ah the classic backstab always works

[Old Man Jenkins]

Here's something I meant to do during O(MJ)ctober as a surprise thing. Hopefully I can actually finish it.

Case 1-2: Backup For Bad

Once that torrent of terror courtesy of PatBack was over, our goddamn hero went ahead and helped himself to some of his finest wares in Spy Buddy Brand guns, which (despite having quite the arsenal at first sight) was only limited to pistols, shotguns and sniper rifles.

Jenk: Mang, fuck those underpowered af pea shooters.

Jenk told himself before going straight for three shotties and three rifles and sticking them all up his a-hole apparently for when he really needs the, the most.

Jenk: Fantastiche. I'm ready to provide backup for Bad now.

SAYING CASE TITLE BONUS! 10,000 PP EARNED!

LEVEL UP ^^! NEW MOVE: GERMAN SUPLEX!

Jenk noticed his level development on-screen.

Jenk: ALOHA TO DAT, CUZ!

Jenk proceeded to make his way out of the gun store and back out into the main hall of the North Plaza.

Jenk: JCMtis also mentioned something about a blade shop around here somewhere.

He looked around the corridor he was in only to see another ipad charging station and Wooden Steel's Hardware Store. He then looked further down the hall only to see swarms upon swarms of Spambots standing between him and the potential blade shop.

Jenk: That can wait for later, I've gotta go backup Bad!

And before he could draw anymore attention to himself, Jenk hastily made a mad dash towards the exit door, getting caught in the clutches by some Spambots along the way because dis game, mang! Once again finding himself in the Industrial Park smack dab in the center of the mall, Jenk looked at his watch to check for the time and Backup For Bad was already in the yellow. Setting his watch, he set course for the Backup's destination.

Jenk: 1-2 you here my watch ticking. Tick tock, you about to stop living. I'm coming!

And like Montel Vontavius Porter, he came a-comin', following the guide arrow he had set on his watch. The arrow pointed him into all sorts of different directions in the park, mostly leading him to his almost certain doom at the hands of the many herds of Spambots out roaming the Industrial Park. After about a half an hour of this mindless game of follow the leader, Jenk finally made his way to the Galley Grub entrance, the mall's food court which was just ahead from where he started at the North Plaza.

Jenk: Fuck me.

Down about halfway health-wise thanks to the dreaded guide arrow, Jenk didn't feel like putting the rest of life or ammo at risk of depleting by dealing with group of spambot covering the Galley Grub's doors. Jenk thought quick and looked around to see a lawn mower conveniently standing idly at the side.

Jenk: Fantastiche!

Jenk exclaimed to himself, gaining the attention of the Spambots. He ran for the mower.

Jenk: Time to cut this spam down to size.

Jenk went to start it up, but it didn't. He kept trying to start the lawn mower up as the Spambots drew closer but it was all for naught.

Jenk: Balls!

Jenk cried out before going all in and just charging his way through the group to reach the door, no stopping or turning back. He miraculously managed to reach the door unscathed and pressed the button in time to enter the food court before any Spambots would spam him up the ass and activating a cut scene.

Jenk nonchalantly waltzes into the place and is nearly shot the fuck up by posts before narrowly reaching cover behind some of the tables. He looks around at his surroundings to see Bad on the opposite side behind a Krabby Dog stand. Bad catches sight of our goddamn hero and merely shakes his head.

Jenk: Oh no you didn't just shake your head at me.

Jenk sprinted towards the same stand Bad was hiding behind, once again narrowly escaping death by rapid posting.

Jenk: You know I could've sworn I saw you shook your head back there, just came up close to make sure.

Bad: Is now really the time-

The camera switches to a shot of the opposing gunman's broad chest and machine gun, hiding his face although it's clear as day that it's actually Crushito.

Jenk: Your, uh, girlfriend sent me to come find you.

Bad: Who, Chassie? Dammit! OK, we'll talk about this later. You know how to use that gun?

Jenk: I ain't the top poster for nothin!

Bad: alright, I'll cover you from here. You need to stick to the shadows! Try to get close to the target, k?

Jenk: And what I am supposed to do when I'm staring death in the face?

Bad: Well the best option would be to spam the guy with your trademark rapid fire posting. BUT, if you can't even do that right, keep him busy dodging your bullets and stay out of trouble. Are you up to it?

Jenk: Considering my 20 point warning level, staying out of trouble is just my forte.

Bad: ...Alright, next time he reloads I'll lay into him from the front. You try to lay into him from behind for the kill.

Jenk: THE KILL.

Bad: Alright. 1...2...

Jenk: Wait a tick, wouldn't it be better if I cover you, considerin-

Bad: THREE!

Bad shouts as he jumps up and lays down a few pot shots on the gunman, Jenk scrambling towards the restaurants on the other side of the Galley Grub. Thrusted into the tide of another boss battle, Jenk looks up at the food court scaffolding to see that theirs opponent is indeed Crushito.

Jenk: Obvi.

Bad comes running up into the area now and lays in more shots into Crushito, who rapidly fires back at him and taking down some of Bad's health.

Jenk: Well, shit.

Jenk equipped one of his shotties and proceeded to shell Crushito up full of hole, tearing him some new ones no doubt, but only taking his health down a little over halfway. Crushito takes notice of Jenk and fires back, leaving Jenk with only two blocks of health left.

Jenk: I come at him with eight organized and well-thought out shotgun blasts and he almost fucks me over with a few of his pea shots! Dafuq is this?

Jenk manages to dodge roll his behind the juice bar counter and out range as Bad tries to hold out on his own.

Jenk: I need to fix meself up a lil fixer upper.

Jenk grabs a milk carton and some juice to consume and replenish his health, but notices a blender nearby.

Jenk: Hmmm, I wonder.

Jenk runs towards the blender and puts the whole cartons of milk and juice up in there.

Bad: Are you really doing this right now?! *gets shot*

Jenk: What? Eating shit heals mortal wounds in this game apparently! You look like you can use some yourself, Cockeye! Look at how much damage you're doing to him compared to what I did!

Jenk goes to mix the blender but stops himself.

Jenk: Ehhh, why stop there.

He says to himself before covertly making his way to other restaurants and add more shit to his concoction.

Jenk: A cup of yogurt, a block of The Cheese cheese, a jar of Jelly's jelly, bottle of wine (for finesse).

Bad: How is all that shit supposed to heal you right up?! *gets shot*

Jenk: COOOOOKIIIEES.

Bad continues not making a dent into Crushito's health.

Jenk: Who's sharing time do I have to post a dick in to get some fresh pineapples around here?

Bad: Fourida Evergreen's!

Jenk: Eek, that guy. Ah, fuck it.

Jenk proceeds to mix his concoction together and black cup of juice comes popping out of the blender. Jenk picks it up.

Jenk: A Randomizer huh? Sounds appetizing.

Jenk consumes his drink and his health fills up all the way.

Jenk: I feel completely recharged!

Just then, Jenk's PM transceiver received a notification.

Jenk: Hyello.

Bad: Dammit! *gets shot*

JCMtis: Jenkins, looks like you found yourself in the Galley Grub.

Jenk: Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

JCMtis: Surely there's a lot of perishables in store there for you to replenish, and even mix and match for an even added bonus.

Jenk: You're a little late to the party, JCMtis.

JCMtis: Yeah well, I need someone to talk to. It gets kind of scary in here, being alone with Chassie.

Jenk: I could only imagine, but how's about I daily bump your ask thread later and we can continue this conversation then.

JCMtis: Don't leave me alone with her.

Jenk hangs up and re-enters the battle field, boomstick in hand. He aims towards Crushito, but something seems to be wrong.

Jenk: I don't feel so goddamn hero.

Jenk proceeds to vomit all over the floor.

Bad: Well gee, considering all the shit you ate at one time, I can't say I'm surprise- *is shot*

Jenk regains composure and lays in three more shots before throwing up again. Crushito's health dips even lower but he shoots a wide open Jenk as wallows in his own muck.

Bad tries to lay in more shots of his own but continues to do little to nothing to bring down Crushito's health. Jenk regains his composure again and ascends the scaffolding where Crushito is posted in order to get at him point blank while he's busy tearing Bad new ones. Jenk blindsides Crushito with an all-out assault, shelling out five more shotgun blasts before throwing up again. Crushito's health is just a shot or two away from being depleted, but he pulls up his machine gun to get the kill on a wide open Jenk West at point blank range.

Crushito: Perro.

But before Crushito could open fire, Bad surprises him with some well-thought out pistol shots of his own, bringing Crushito down to zero, activating another cutscene.

Jenk: Are you...fuckin kid...ding me...

Crushito retreats across the scaffolding, showing no sign of injury after all those gun shots. He reaches a rope and unties it, grabbing hold as it takes him up higher into the Galley Grub's ceiling, over the boarder and disappearing out of sight as Jenk and Bad can only watch on, helplessly apparently.

Jenk: He got away.

Bad: Well, shit.

Jenk: Who was that, anyway?

Bad: I don't know...Well, thanks for your help. The name's Bad, Bad Nuggets.

Jenk: Jenk West, report moderator.

Bad: Former report moderator-

Jenk: And right now, I'd rather have an explanation than you undermining my authoritah, Bad.

Bad: Sorry, Ibe got nothing to tell you. Look, I don't know how much Chassie told you, but as far as I'm concerned we're through working together. So you can continue going out playing "goddamn hero" and leave the rest to us.

Jenk opens up his photos on his ipad.

Jenk: You guys are looking for someone here, aren't ya?

Jenk holds up his ipad for Bad to see.

Bad: A selfie in the bathroom. Yes, that's what we came here to find.

Jenk: Oopsie daisy, wrong one.

He now holds out the picture he snapped of Mr Dr Professor Patrick, the same one Chassie was eying up earlier.

Bad: Who is that? Where did you take that?

Bad goes to take the ipad but Jenk snatches it back.

Jenk: Hands off the merchandise. You help me, I help you.

Brad: DAMN. You're one hell of a poster, aren't you Jenk? You lurk around here, with nothing better to do with your life than to invade people's ask threads. Only now you actually decide to post in mine.

Jenk: I do have my moments...ya got a point?

Bad thinks the situation over.

Bad: Alright, you win Jenk...lets work together.

Jenk exits his photos and shuts off his ipad screen, implying something.

Bad: *sighs* Chassie and I, are official members of the Communith Staff. And yes, we are looking for the user in that picture.

Jenk: You're with the staff? Is that guy a troll or something?

Bad just stays silent, not knowing what to tell Jenk. Jenk gives him the ipad anyway.

Jenk: I snapped that pic in the Entrance Plaza, near the front door.

Bad: The Entrance Plaza, you're sure?

Jenk: Hell, we met there. I'm surprised you didn't spot him yourself.

Bad hands him back the ipad and proceeds to make his way to the Entrance Plaza.

Jenk: Hey! So do I have permission to cover this report, or not.

Bad: Why the hell not.

Bad snidely replies, making his way to one of the Galley Grub exits.

Jenk: Fantastiche!

Jenk exclaims before following suit and throwing up after a few steps.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Scoop 3-1: Barricade Pair

The cutscene finished, a new case showed up on the screen titled "An Odd Mr Dr Professor". Bad leads the way, leaving Jenk with little to no choice but to follow him. Just then, his PM transceiver received another notification.

Jenk: Aloha.

JCMtis: Somebody's barricaded a women's clothing shop in Bikini Plaza. From the looks of it, two people are hiding inside.

Jenk: So?

JCMtis: Just thought you might wanted to know, Mr. Goddamn Hero. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

And with what luck, Bad was heading straight for the Bikini Plaza entrance. Jenk let out a sigh.

Jenk: Alright, fine. Clever fuckin bastard.

Two new scoops shows up on the screen titled "Barricade Pair B" and "Barricade Pair E". Jenk was about to go through the entrance with Bad when he received yet another notification.

Jenk: What? What? WHAT?

JCMtis: I found a woman in a jewelry shop in Bikini Plaza-

Jenk: How very convenient.

JCMtis: Hey! Don't cut me off like that, that's rude! I found a woman in a jewelry store in Bikini Plaza. She is moving around an awful lot.

Jenk: Considering the sitch, I can't really blame her.

JCMtis: Hey! Don't cut me off like that, that's rude! I found a woman in a jewelry store in-

Jenk: Why the hell are you repeating it?

JCMtis: Hey! Don't cut me off like that, that's rude! I found a woman in a jewelry store in-

Jenk: RAAAAHHHH!

JCMtis: Hey! Don't cut me off like that, that's rude! I found a woman in a jewelry store in Bikini Plaza. She is moving around an awful lot. It's giving me such a boner.

Jenk: ...Well spank the monkey for all I care!

JCMtis: Bring her back in one piece, will ya?

JCMtis hung up.

Jenk: What is this? I don't even.

Just then, a new scoop showed up on screen titled "I Don't Even".

Jenk: Aaahhh, I don't wanna.

It then changed to "I Don't Wanna".

Jenk: RAAAHHH!!

Bad: What's the hold up, Jenk?

Jenk: RAAAAHHH!!

Jenk shouted before barfing again. They make their way to Bikini Plaza, an extravagant outdoor section of the mall. Home to what looked to be high end clothing stores, jewelry store, a gym and a hardware store. Jenk noticed the health bar over Bad's head was low.

Jenk: You're pretty low on health, mang. Here, you need this more than I do.

Jenks proceeded to offer him a second Randomizer.

Bad: You made two of that chronic diarrhea in a cup?

Jenk: Hey, it got my health up all the way.

Bad: Thanks but no thanks, thank you.

Jenk: Suit yourself.

Jenk says, consuming the tainted drink.

Jenk: Hmmm, this one tastes oddly citrusy. And I didn't even add orange juice.

The word Nectar suddenly appeared at the bottom right of the screen.

Jenk: Golly, I think I may have lucked out on this one-

Jenk is suddenly grabbed from behind by a spambot. Jenk struggled to knock it off him and he does. He then finds himself swarmed by groups of them, all the Spambots seemingly and spontaneously more attracted to him.

Jenk: Bad! Some assistance!

But Bad is already halfway through the plaza with little to no zombies attacking him thanks to Jenk's nectar. He's swarmed by another group again but he nails the quick-time button combo on the first try a d manages to push them all away with that Hawaiian muscle, but more kept coming.

Jenk: You know, it is possible to be attractive!

Our goddamn hero says using his best Pepe Le Pew impersonation. He then busts out the shotty he used against Crushito earlier, it has 12 shells left use.

Jenk: Imma whet your whistles before you whet mine. Full of lead!

Jenk begins to unload his shotgun all over the swarming Spambots before they could spam him even more, blowing back wave after wave until his gun ran out of ammo. He caught sight of a woman's clothing store that has been barricaded, seeing this as a potential temporary safe haven. He cleared a path enough to reach the store without much trouble from the Spambots. He knocks at the barricade to the attention of whoever was inside.

Jenk: Lemme in, lemme in, lemme in!

???: Gosh CDCBert, somebody needs help out there.

CDCBert: CNFernie, get back from there and play with your rubber ducky! We can't afford to let anymore crazies in here. We barely survived the last time.

CNFernie: Mmm, rubber ducky!

Jenk: I'm here to save you btw!

CDCBert: Yeah, that's what they say. That's what they all said!

Jenk pulls out another shotgun and unloads two more blasts on the approaching hoards.

Jenk: Mang, fuck this. Heeeeere cooooomes ME!

Jenk then proceeded to tackle his way through part of the barricade, charging inside the store. He saw two guys have made home in there, one older and more burlier with Mickey Mouse. The other younger and more slimy with his underwear over his beige shorts, a crudely drawn Q written over his green sweater vest, and a belt wrapped around his head as if fashioned to be a headband. The older one approached Jenk with something rubbery in hand.

CDCBert: Dammit! Just what we needed, another crazy person interrupting us!

CNFernie: Go get em with my rubber ducky, CDCBert!

CDCBert: With pleasure!

Jenk: Is that thing what I think it is-

CDCBert proceeds to nail Jenk right in the face with a slimy green dildo, taking off a whole block of health.

Jenk: You wanna go?!

CDCBert: Yeah!

Jenk: Letsa go!

CDCBert: Where?!

Jenk: To the mall!

CDCBert: We're already at the mall!

Jenk: That's just prime!

Jenk proceeds to land a few punches on CDCBert before ducking another dildo shot and nailing a hard blow to CDCBert's gut. CDCBert grabs Jenk and lands a few heavy knees to his ribs, but Jenk tackles him back against a wall and proceeds to pummel him with punches in bunches.

Jenk: Fucking underpowered punches!

CDCBert then knocks Jenk away with three good dildo shots to the face.

CNFernie: Gee CDCBert, you're making me all slimy again.

Jenk catches him by surprise with a hammer throw, sending him into a clothing table with food and drinks on it. CDCBert turns back to hit Jenk again, but Jenk manages to dodge it and rolls behind CDCBert. Jenk grabs him from the back and proceeds to put him through the table with a German suplex.

CDCBert: Shit! Just...leave us alone...you son of a bitch!

He says, winded and catching his breath after over exerting himself there.

Jenk: Knock it off ya little shit! I'm not here for a fight, just listen to me!

CDCBert: You win! Do whatever you want, talk to me, kill me, whatever!

Jenk: listen, I came to help you guys. I'm here to take you someplace safe.

CDCBert: Shit! Why didn't you just say that first? Get us the hell outta here already.

CNFernie: Is there a bathtub where we're going?

Jenk: I don't see why the fuck not!

CNFernie: C'mon CDCBert, I wanna go too!

Jenk: Oh god, I think that Ranndomizer is about to kick in again.

Jenk and CDCBert proceed to barf all over the floor as the Spambots break through the barricade.

CDCBert Otter Has Joined!

CNFernie Mouse Has Joined!

[Old Man Jenkins]

Scoop 4-1: I Don't Wanna

Jenk recuperates from the barf sesh he just had with CDCBert and helps him up to his feet.

Jenk: The name's Jenk, Jenk West. Remember it because in three days, everyone will.

CDCBert: I'll be sure to keep it locked away in my noodle.

Jenk: You two do know there's a hardware store full of your spambot killing needs right next door? Why didn't you just make home in there?

CNFernie: Well, you see-

Jenk: Are those panties you have over your shorts there?

CNFernie: Ummm, yes, but I can assure I'm wearing a pair inside too!

Jenk: Well that answers my question.

CDCBert: Hey, don't go judging us! During a situation like this, we need Battle Ready Armor!

CDCBert unbuttons his shirt to reveal that he's wearing a bra.

Jenk: Nice fit.

CDCBert: Take some.

CNFernie: There's plenty of armor to go around.

Jenk: I'm goo- weeeellll...

Jenk approaches a bra rack and presses the button to have one spontaneously appear on him.

CDCBert: Doesn't it make you feel empowered?

Jenk: Well, at least it's underwire.

CNFernie: Are you feeling it now?

Jenk: I'm feeling like a TOTAL BARNACLE HEAD

Jenk proceeded to switch back out to his signature outfit.

Jenk: So what's your tales?

CDCBert: Former Fry Cook, worked my way up to manager, then became a Consultant. Now, I'm just spending my last days here with just me, CNFernie and our Nickelodeon and Disney VHS collection.

CNFernie: Everything CDCBert said except that I was a Loyal Customer before all of...this.

Jenk: Any ideas as to what caused all of...this?

CDCBert: I bet you it was that Nathan fella. I told you all to leave him alone, now look what's happened!

CNFernie: Gee CDCBert, don't be fucking stupid now. It's obvi that this is all Viacom's doing. They want to take us down for being a SpongeBob site. Copyright shit up our ass!

Jenk: All very valid entries into the SBC WMG thread that probably stray far from the truth. Spambots are breaking through the barricade btw.

CNFernie: Geez CDCBert, what should we do?!

CDCBert: I have no idea.

Jenk: Well, it's been nice knowing you two since I'm probably the only one coming out of this alive.

CDCBert: I think nows a good a time as any for a Good Noodle Dance!

Jenk: Good Noodle Dance?

CNFernie: It's how CDCBert and I think and get our best ideas for our Cartoon FunHouse.

Jenk: Well, I'll do some thinking for all our sake but no dancing.

CDCBert and CNFernie begin having seizures as the Good Noodle Song spontaneously plays on the mall playlist.

Song: NOODLE! USE YOUR NOODLE! NOODLE! DO THE NOODLE DAAANCE!

And deny it as he might, Jenk couldn't resist the dope beat and began to dance along with them.

CNFernie: I've got it!

The song and dance ends right as Jenk was getting into his zone.

Jenk: You threw off my groove!

CNFernie: I'll use the power of the Quail.

Jenk: Now I finally get where your costume comes from. All this time I was thinking Really Really Big Man.

CDCBert: Oooh, I just love it when he does this!

CNFernie eyes bulge out as he proceeds to stare a hole through the approaching Spambots.

It does absolutely nothing as the Spambots closes in on them.

Jenk: What are you gonna do, stink eye them to death?

Jenk remarks before busting out his shotty and unleashing a few more shells.

Jenk: That does it, we're doing this my way.

CDCBert: Do we get any super cool weapons to defend ourselves with?

Jenk proceeds to hand CNFernie his "rubber ducky" and CDCBert a gallon of milk to replenish the health Jenk took off of him during their scuffle, which he drinks whole in one gulp.

CDCBert: Now I'm left with nothing.

Jenk: Ahhh, you'll manage.

He leads them through the broken down barricade and out of the store. He feels the effects of the Randomizer kicking in again.

Jenk: Aw geez! Don't suppose you two know where the nearest bathroom is?

CDCBert: There's one in the gym over there.

Jenk: Follow me!

Jenk yells, darting his way over to the Mussel Beach Gym. He breaks a window to get inside, which attracts some bearby spambots, while CDCBert and CNFernie simply use the sliding doors. Jenk finally reaches the bathroom.

Jenk: Keep me covered!

He ordered before entering, inadvertently saving the game as he purges the Randomizer from his body. The Spambots start to enter the gym from the window that Jenk broke.

CDCBert: Jenk!

Jenk: 4-ply! 4-ply!

CNFernie: Rubber ducky, don't fail me now.

CNFernie begins beating back the horde with his "rubber ducky" as CDCBert catches sight of another, more intimidating spambot with needles sticking out of it's arms, a bible in hand and hanging from a bowflex. The spambot tries to get closer to CDCBert but gets snagged back by the bowflex's wire.

CDCBert: Phew.

Then in one fail swoop, the spambot lunges at CDCBert full-force, snapping the wire and pouncing on the survivor. It takes CDCBert to the ground before locking in a crippler crossface.

CDCBert: Jenk!

CNFernie: Gee CDCBert, look alive!

The horde gets the better of CNFernie and they gang up on him.

The toilet finally flushes as Jenk finally finishes saving his game and comes out to see his crew in trouble.

Jenk: Jeez, I was only in there for a little less than a minute and here you two are starting World War Z. HAAAA SHITAKI!

Jenk then proceeds to karate chop the shit out of all the Spambots that were swarming CNFernie. He then busts out his sniper rifle and snipes the Wah spambot off of CDCBert. He helps him up to his feet, basking in his own glory.

CNFernie: Gee Jenk, thanks.

Jenk: All in a day's work for a goddamn hero-

The Wah spambot sprung back to life and grabbed Jenk from behind, German suplexing him to the ground before locking the crippler crossface on him. CNFernie beats the spambot in the face with his rubber ducky, giving Jenk the opportunity to knock it off himself. The Wah now goes for CNFernie with a pillow in hand but CDCBert steps between them and selflessly fights the Wah off on his own, struggling to keep the pillow from smothering him. Jenk then comes from behind and nails a German suplex of his own on the Wah, then another before finally smashing its head into the ground on impact after the third suplex.

CDCBert: Th-thanks Jenk.

Jenk: D-don't thank me...thank...thank justice fruit pies.

Jenk replies, taking a couple of justice fruit pies from out of his inventory for them to consume and heal up.

Now that that torrent of terror is over, Jenk and company could finally focus on the task at hand. Setting his GPS watch to the location of the girl JCMtis wanted Jenk to bring back, they brave the Bikini Plaza until finally reaching Lel K's Jewelers. They immediately see a bunch of Spambots swarming and spamming one of the counters.

Jenk: CDCBert, I'm about to entrust you with one of my guns. When faced with a situation like this, don't hesitate. Shoot to kill, got it?

CDCBert: THE KILL.

Jenk: Alright men, it's goddamn hero time!

Jenk hands over one of his sniper rifles to CDCBert before busting out one of his shotties. They proceed to gun down all the Spambots spamming before making their way over to the counter. They discover a young woman slumped behind the counter, her leg visibly injured. The bar over her head says Negi.

Jenk: What's the matter? Are you ok?

Negi then grabbed hold of Jenk by his jacket, shaking him violently.

Negi: Today was the day I become a Good Noodle! I finally saved up enough doubloons for it! Why did this have to happen today?! I'm a Good Noodle! IM A GOOD NOODLE-

A gunshot then penetrated her head, taking off all her health as she went crashing to the floor.

CDCBert: DIE ZOMBIE!

CNFernie: That sure was a crackerjack shot, CDCBert!

NEGI SPONGIE IS DEAD

SCOOP LOST

Jenk looked on at those words in utter shock, bummed at the fact he just lost some easy Prestige Points. He turned over to his crew.

Jenk: WHYYYYY?

CDCBert: You said don't hesitate!

CNFernie: Shoot to kill!

Jenk leaned his head over the counter and into his hands, sighing.

Jenk: ...You two are so lucky you mean more to me alive than dead. Lets go!

Jenk ordered, setting his watch back to the "Odd Mr Dr Professor" case and leading them over to Bad's location, leaving Negi for the buzzards. Braving the plaza yet again, they finally reach Bad at the entrance to the Emtrance Plaza, having dispatched the Spambots there by himself. CDCBert readies his rifle, but Jenk yanks it out of his hand and hits him upside the head.

CDCBert: Hey!

Jenk: Give me that you lil fucker.

Bad: What in Neptune's name took you so long? And who in Davy Jones Locker are these two civilians?

Jenk: My two tickets to fame, Bad. Just as long as you don't put a gun in their hands, they aren't total liabilities.

Bad: Whatevs. Well lets wrap this case up, shall we?

Bad leads them all into the Entrance Plaza.

[Sauce Mama]

I want to do the Good Noodle dance. Great ep.