SBC Rising

[Old Man Jenkins]

An SBC parody of Dead Rising. Unless you've played the game for yourself, I expect only Aya to get about 90% of the jokes.

Plot: Photojournalist Jenk Wets finds himself trapped in an online community overrun by flesh-eating spammers.

Prologue: Hope You Are Quite Prepared To Die

September 19, 5:30 AM

The scene opens up to a shot of a somewhat dark and foggy highway. A lone boat mobile races down the road, going 80 down a 55 mph zone, seemingly trying to get away from something. A young woman was operating the speeding vehicle, not caring whether or not she could get a ticket for she obviously had bigger worries on her mind judging by that blood on her hands. A younger girly girl sat in the backseat with a baseball cap precariously placed on her head, tilted down over his face as if to shield her eyes from something rather horrific.

GirlyGirl: *tilts her cap up a bit* Malie, where are we going?

Malie looked back at GirlyGirl through her mirror, she had to reassure her young companion.

Queen Malie: Somewhere safe, dear. Now please, cover your eyes.

GirlyGirl: *tilts the cap back down a bit but still peeks out with one eye* What about Bob Ball? Is he going to meet back up with us?

Malie looked down at her bloody hands.

Queen Malie: No, Girly, he...decided to stay back...

GirlyGirl: Malie...what happened back there?

Queen Malie: I-I don't know. I never witnessed anything...*gulps* like that before. *looks back at Girly through the rear-view mirror* but I'll make sure nothing bad happens to you-

Girly: WATCH OUT!

Girly cried at the top of her lungs as Malie shifts her attention back to the road to see a figure standing idly on the road. Her instincts cause her to swerve the boat mobile in order to avoid hitting this person, but in the process, she careens her vehicle off the road and crashing into a kelp tree. Malie blacks out during the impact, but Girly remains seemingly unharmed, getting up to see her friend passed out.

Girly: Malie? Malie, are you okay? Speak to me! Malie, please!

Malie stirred around in the driver's seat before picking her head up from the steering wheel. Her forehead appeared to be busted open from the impact. She turns back to Girly.

Malie: Are you alright?

Girly: I think so.

Malie: Good, good.

Malie sets the boat mobile in reverse and attempts to back up the hell out of there, but the damage has been done.

Malie: Come on. Not now, not now, please not now!

But try as she might, they wouldn't be going anywhere in that vehicle.

GirlyGirl: Malie, why can't we move?

Malie: Girly, we're gonna be fine, we'll-

The driver's side door suddenly swung open as a pale and bloody figure pounces on Malie, landing on top of her and surprising her with a big bite to the left side of her neck. Malie and Girly scream in terror as Malie tries to muster up the strength to get this brute off her. She manages to shove this brute away far enough to get a kick on him, knocking him back a bit. Malie reels back from the shock of her injury as she slaps her right hand over the the bite, but she's losing blood and fast.

Girly: Malie!

Malie: D-don't worry, Girly..I'm not leaving you...I'm no-

The door swings open again as the same figure grabs Malie by the leg and yanks her out of the safety of the vehicle and out into the dawn.

Girly: MALIE!

All Girly could hear was Malie's screams and the sound of crunching and munching. Some blood splatters over the car as Girly backs up in her seat out of fear. She looks out the windows to see more of these figures approaching their location. She jumps in shock as another figure pounds against the window behind her.

Girly: HEEEELP!

The figure pounds against the window some more before backing away. Malik's screams eventually die out as it sounds as if more of these things are joining in on the feast. Girly contemplates making a run for it, but she is too paralyzed with fear. The window suddenly shatters as a sizable rock flies into the vehicle and hits Girly while she wasn't looking. The figure that was pounding on the window earlier lunged through the open window and crawled its way inside. Girly came to to see the figure crawling ever so near over her.

Girly: AAAAHHHH! NOOOO!

She cried as she tried holding it off, but the figure makes one huge lunge at her and takes a bite out if her face. All that could he heard now was Girly's screams as the inside of the car began raining red. A large crowd of these things swarm the vehicle as the sun rises in the distance.

SBC Rising

[Aya♥]

Feed me more

[Sweat]

Needs more Halibut.

[Steel Sponge]

I thought those members weren't revelant anymore.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Case 0-1: PP. PP Everywhere!

September 19, 8:00 AM

The scene opens up to an overhead shot of the SpongeBob Community. A lone helicopter, piloted by a user known by Edmaster DeLuca, approaches the community. Our goddamn hero, Jenk West, steps into view with his ipad in hand, using it to take pictures of the sights.

Edmaster: Say buddy, you said something about research for a story?

Jenk: That's right, got a tip that something big's happening.

Edmaster: More xat drama?

Jenk: Could be.

Edmaster: In a nowhere little site like that?

Jenk: Says the guy still making a living at TV.com?

Edmaster: Looks like you'll sell your soul for a story.

Jenk: Lets just say I'm glad I gave up farming.

Edmaster: There she is! The SpongeBob Community! Population: 427. Distinguishing characteristics, jackshit! About the only thing to do in this place is kill time in the Game section. Why'd ya think I never join here?

Jenk uses his camera app to zoom in on a CAPTCHA barricade surrounding the Community exits.

Edmaster: What was that? CAPTCHA?

Jenk: Looks like CAPTCHA can't stop everything. They must have all the roads blocked off by now. Alright listen, I wanna get some shots of the whole town before CAPTCHA finishes doing a whole lot of nothing. Take me over the Main Section.

As they get ever so nearer to the Main Street, they come across Malie's wrecked car. Ed hovers over it as Jenkins surveys the damage.

Jenkins: Nothing to see here, move along.

And they continued on over to Main Street leading to Krusty Towers. The community was in a state of disarray. Some people were out about looting things from the Glove World district as others were fighting for their lives against a bunch of shufflers, because who likes shuffling. Taking pictures of this on his ipad racks a couple thousand Prestige Points right from the get-go. But something truly caught Jenk's eye as he signaled for Ed to stall the helicopter over a man swinging a golf club like crazy on top of his car. The man stops shooting as he notices the helicopter.

Smiles Pa: You better not be hokey pokeying that harlot daughter of mine in that flying contraption or I'll kill you!

Smiles Pa aims his gat at Jenk, providing Jenk with a DRAMATIC PP bonus, but is pulled down into the ravenous crowd surrounding him before he could pull the trigger for some good BRUTALITY shots.

Edmaster: Whoa! What is that, some sort of riot?

Jenk: Move along, nothing more to see here.

And they continued flying off as Smiles Pa is devoured by the horde.

Edmaster: Is this what you came to take pictures of?

Jenk finished racking up those Prestige Points from the Smiles Pa picture and nods his head.

Jenk: I have no idea, but one things for sure. Whatever's going in here...it sure seems like business as usual in this community.

The fly by the local Industrial Park as one of the posting stations totally explodes right before their eyes. Getting hard off this, Jenks proceeds to take more pictures on his ipad, racking up more BRUTALITY points as some figures can be seen walking amongst the flames despite being on fire. Jenk paid no mind to this and shot away.

Edmaster: HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT?

Jenk: Flying right in front of it, Jethro. Move along, nothing more to see here.

They fly by the roof of Krusty Towers and see someone fighting valiantly against a group of these things on the rooftop. It was Steel Sponge. Steel gets himself corner on the edge of the roof and unloads on some of the group pursuing him, but there's just too much for him to handle. This proved to be another fine opportunity to snap some pics, so instead of saving the poor guy, Jenk thought "why not?" and continued racking up the points. Steel looks over the edge of the building and stares down his gun. He takes the gun to his head, but one of the bloody figures spears him off the building and crashing into the pavement below. That proved to be more than enough to level Jenk up a level or two. Feeling quite pleased himself, Jenk looked off into the distance to see the Krabby Kronicle.

Jenk: Take me there.

Jenk said with an insatiable bloodlust as they fly over a school bus under siege for more PP.

Jenk: Hey, can you take me to that mall?

Jenk orders Ed, pointing at the SpongeBob Community Glove World in the distance.

Edmaster: Why on earth would I do that?

Jenk: Do you want me to tell these people that you've been lurking here without joining?

Edmaster: Well played, sir.

Jenk: And listen, I want you to come back for me.

Edmaster: Why on earth would I-...Okay, sure. As long as you ain't dead, Pablo.

Jenk: It's Jenk, Jenk West. Remember it, because the entire world is gonna remember it in about three days.

Edmaster: That's how long it takes me to make my potato salad!

Jenk: Give me my time.

Suddenly, a CAPTCHA chopper arrives to intercept them, setting them off course.

Jenk wasn't about to be deterred now.

Jenk: GET US TO THAT ROOFTOP!

Edmaster: I just know I'm gonna get my butt chewed out for this. (Spoiler Alert!)

Ed gets Jenk to the Glove World's rooftop and firmly grasping his ipad, Jenk makes a jump for it. Timing it painfully, literally, as he face plants on the roof as Edmaster flies back into obscurity with CAPTCHA on his ass.

[Aya♥]

I am very pleased Mister Jenkins

[Old Man Jenkins]

Case 0-2: Puppy Power

September 19, 12:00 PM

We see Jenk, finally coming to after being out cold from the impact of his fall for about four hours. He stirs around in pain before picking himself up and dusting himself. He checked to make sure that his ipad was still intact because without it, he'd be nothing, but luckily for him, it was unscathed as his body took the brunt of the fall. A voice suddenly boomed out

???: You're the Report Moderator, aren't you?

Jenk jumped up a bit startled before looking towards his right to see a tall, dark, Hispanic-looking man leaning back against the wall next to the door that leads into the mall. The blip over Antonio Banderas' head simply said "Crushito". With his ipad in hand, Jenk proceeds to snap some DRAMATIC pics of Crushito leaning before engaging him verbally.

Jenk: You could say I'm a reporter.

Crushito: Heh, it appears you're the only one who made it here.

Jenk didn't like the feel of this man, nor appreciated the fact that he most likely hopped OUR borders and set up shop in THIS mall in order to take the jobs and benefits of US REAL AMERICANS like Jenk West.

Jenk: You can say that.

Crushito: I need not distract you any longer.

Jenk immediately stopped snapping those pics right as Crushito uttered at sentence.

Crushito: You should head on inside. I look forward to seeing some of your...pics. Heh, heh, heh.

Jenk: ...K.

Crushito was liking this conversation more than he should be, with Jenk's three notifications telling him this speaking for itself. After snapping one more shot for more PP, he made his through the door and into the mall. He found himself entering an empty Chat Room, most likely because everybody prefers going to The Xat for some fucking reason, but Jenk digresses. He makes his way to a few chat security monitors that help survey the entire Glove World mall. On one of the monitors he sees Someone being forcefully dragged out of her boat mobile before being munched on and devoured by a horde of these...things as blood splatters everywhere. Somebody call Quentin Tarantino. Jenk looks on with a slack-jaw look on his face in disbelief.

Jenk: DAFUQ?

He asks himself before snapping some photos of the scene on his ipad, racking up some HORROR. He proceeds to exit the chat room and enter the main entrance of the mall, appropriately named "The Entrance Plaza". He sees a whole group of users gathered here. The blips over their head said Ssj, Clappy, Mothra, SpongeBabe, Spongygirl92 Hasfarr, Terminoob LAT, and Dale. Some appear to be erecting a barricade to cover the mall's entrance, some appear to just be standing around doing nothing, and one frantic man rudely bumps into Jenk before shaking him violently.

Clappy: HAVE YOU SEEN MY MURPHY?

Jenk: I-

Clappy: I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS, SWEETIE DOGGIE!

Jenk Loo-

Clappy: OH WHERE IS MY MURPHY, WHERE IS HE?!

Clappy once again rudely bumps Jenk out of his way before continuing his wild goose chase.

Jenk: What the fuck just happened-

Suddenly, something caught the corner of Jenk's eye. It was as if an angel had fallen, hopped over OUR borders and landed in Jenk's life. Why, she was the whitest illegal he ever did seen, so that helped soften the blow for our goddamn hero. The blip over her head said Ayabela, but Jenk's heart said "Angel". She leaned against the wall with her arms crossed and her right hand under her chin as if she was deep in thought. All Jenk could think of was DAT ASS as the thought of all the EROTICA PP he could attain from taking at least one picture of her rushed through his head (hurr). Jenk ran his hand through his hair in order to make himself look somewhat more appealing.

Jenk: Oh yeah.

He whipped out his ipad and opened up his camera up when suddenly

Ssj: THIS AIN'T, I SAY THIS AIN'T, NO TIME TO OGLE PRETTY GIRLS, SON!

With his cover blown, shut off his camera and hid his ipad away as Ssj proceeds to cockblock him somewhat. The commotion caught Ayabela's attention as she turned to look at them before walking off.

Jenk: Me, ogling? That's an absurd proposition!

Ssj: You're an absurd proposition, son! I say, well I say, how can you think about girls while there's spammers out and about out there, boy?!

Jenk finally takes the time to take a look at the barricaded doors to the mall to see that hundreds of ghouls are gathered outside, itching to break in and spam shit up.

Jenk: Wait, you mean to tell me that these things out there are SPAMMERS?

Ssj: Well I say, if those aren't spammers, son, then you tell me what they are?

Jenk takes a few moments to look at these spammers in order to provide a better answer.

Jenk: Groovy-

Ssj: Well I say, I say, that that's enough ogling petty spammers, son! Wanna make yourself useful, boy?

Jenk: I-

Ssj: Then I say put some meat on them bones, son, and help gather materials for our, I say, our fortifications!

Jenk: But I-

Ssj: Well go along, I say, go along now! Shoots, aloha, mahalo, Hana hou, Mele Kalikimaka! Wiki wiki, brah!

Offended by that blatant butchering of the Hawaiian language, Jenk simply walks off to take some more pictures and rack up some more PP, even coming across a PP STICKER for even more prestige points. Termi was by himself with a bat in hand, acting all fierce, so Jenk snapped a pic of that. LAT had a golf club in hand as Dale armed himself with a shotgun.

LAT: DAMMIT DALE, GIMME THE SHOTTY!

Jenk snapped a pic of that. Clappy was just standing around now as if he'll be able to find his dog that way.

Clappy: MURPHY? MURPHY?!

Jenk snapped a pic of that and got an added DRAMA bonus to Clappy's hysterics. Mothra tried comforting SpongeBabe, who is deeply distraught by this whole situation.

Mothra: If its any consolation, Babe, SBC sorta had this coming.

Jenk snapped away, leveling up another level even before finally coming across Spongygirl, who was contemplating ending it all by deleting her account not only on SBC, but her deviantart, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter as well. Jenk couldn't pass up more suffering, so he took a pic to remember these moments of sheer terror by. He comes across a pile of junk that look as if could be useful for the barricade, but an old man on the other side of the shutters separating the entrance from the rest of the plaza caught his eye. Jenk busted out his camera app again, but the man, whose blip said Mr Dr Professor Patrick, caught him in the act and proceeded to jab at him through the shutters using coding skills.

hilaryfan80: JAVASCRIPT! IPB! NEW CHAT ROOM! WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME TO THIS PLACE! SAFARI USERS! WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING! CLEAR COOKIES! CHANGE SERVERS!

Jenk wasnt amused to have his shot ruined.

Jenk: Will you calm down! I have no idea what you're talking about!

hilaryfan80 returned back to his coding on the other side of the plaza, mumbling some scripts to himself.

Jenk: Last thing I wanna do is be forced to help any of these dramatic bastards if things go south around here-

Suddenly, a loud commotion could heard coming from the barricade. Jenk looks back to see Clappy stirring up a scene with Ssj and Hasfarr.

Clappy: MY MURPHY IS OUT THERE!

Ssj: I say, well I say, are you tryin to get us all killed here, boy?!

Outside, in the midst of all those spammers, a lone dog could be seen in the crowd, barking to be let in.

Clappy: IM COMING MURPHY! DON'T WORRY, SWEETIE!

Hasfarr: Are you crazy?!

Clappy charged the barricade as Ssj and Hasfarr attempt to hold him back, but powered by the love between a man and his dog, Clappy, with the strength of ten men, shoves them away a few feet before tearing through that barricade like paper. Jenk ran up to intervene.

Jenk: Don't be stup-AAAAAHHHHH!

Clappy sent Jenk flying into the nearby fountain as Clappy tears down that wall and unlocks the door to go out and let in Murphy, but in turn, let the zombies siege the mall. Even with all this strength, Clappy is overpowered by the spammer hoard and is pinned to the ground as they dig into his innards. The spammers also rain down on Ssj and Hasfarr, who were both still knocked out from Clappy's onslaught, and they are being devoured as well.

Ssj: Well I say, I do say, I'm being eaten here, boy!

The Spammers storm the mall, free to pick the remaining survivors off one by one.

[So Sejima]

Clappy's demise is not to be clapped about. I really need to work on my puns

[Aya♥]

4/10

[Sauce Mama]

Crushito. xDDDD

[So Sejima]

FEED ME MOAR!

[Old Man Jenkins]

Case 0-3: Body Count Rising

The spammers storm the shopping center as our goddamn hero finally comes to in the water fountain. He sees himself surrounded by spammers before turning to see the other survivors being under siege by the spamming hordes. Suddenly, a booming, swagtastic voice came booming through the Entrance Plaza.

???: What are you people doing?!

Sounding as if it coming from above, Jenk looked up at the second floor of the plaza to see what looked to be Danny Glover in clothes similar to the ones he was wearing in Predator 2 looming over them on a walkway bridging two of the upper level platforms together,

???: Youve gotta get outta there! Quick! Get over here! Come on! MOOOOVE!

Not wanting to disappoint Mr. Glover, Jenk turned to his left to see that he was right next to the stairway leading up to the second floor.

Jenk: Fantastic!

Suddenly, these words came bellowing onto the screen, as if trying to guilt trip our goddamn hero.

SSJ GOGITA IS DEAD

Jenk: And I should care, why? That Legporn was an asshole.

Jenk proceeded to make his way to the stairs but some spammers intercepted him so he had no choice but to put up at least some fight. He was laying in some good six-hit combos on this one spammer, but it took a while to bring just that one down before finally moving to the next one.

CLAPPY MASTERS IS DEAD

Jenk: How the hell is he dead after SSJ? Besides, that bastard's the one that caused all this!

HAS FARR IS DEAD

Jenk: WHO?

MOTHRA MIE IS DEAD

Jenk: She was a grade-A bitch!

SPONGE BABE IS DEAD

Jenk: I'm sure she was a joy to be around! Keyword = "was".

TERMI NOOB IS DEAD

Jenk: He was actually on my friends list. Amen!

DALE IS DEAD

LAT: GOSH DARNIT, DAL-

LAT IS DEAD

Jenk: Somebody should throw them into the body room.

And at that last body count, Jenk finally beat down that next zombie in question.

Jenk: Underpowered fucking punches!

He proceeded to make his way towards the stairs but stopped right in his tracks before he could activate the cutscene. Something just occurred to Jenk West.

Jenk: One of those fuckers had a shotty!

He jumped back into the action and approached the horde that was spamming Termi's corpse.

Jenk: Am I really gonna defile this grave for a shotgun?

Jenk didn't even need time to think this over.

Jenk: Of course I am!

And Jenk went all in there, ramming his way into the crowd in hopes of finding where to press B button. The horde overwhelm and take turns spamming, depleting his health halfway when he finally starts fighting back, knocking spammers off of him with great force and batting average. He stepped out of the slaughter with a baseball bat in hand.

Jenk: Not what I was going for, but it'll do.

He proceeds to bat away to the corpses of LAT and Dale, racking up a body count of his at 14 spammers.

Jenk: My punches may underpowered as sin, but I bat like the King of Swat.

He enters the two hordes in hopes of locating the shotgun, but like the previous horde, these spammers also begin to consume him taking out even more of his health as Jenk gets taken to the ground. This looks to be the end for our freelance moderator, but suddenly, shots begin ringing out from inside the crowd as spammers are blasted back. About four more shots blaze out as Jenk West rises from the horde with the shotgun in hand. He lets out two more shots, blowing more of those bothersome spammers away. He holds his shotty back in pride before resting it against his shoulder.

Jenk: It feels good to be a goddamn hero-

He's suddenly ambushed from behind by a stray spammer. It spams him in the neck, enough to take Jenk back down to the floor and taking out whatever was left of his health. The spammer shuffles off to the next thread as two black hands grabs hold of the down and out West and drags him off screen.

[Sauce Mama]

Nova should make a random cameo. 

[Old Man Jenkins]

Nova should make a random cameo.

Has somebody been watching his Dead Rising videos

[Old Man Jenkins]

Case 0-4: The Air Ducks

Our goddamn hero awakens to find himself in a security-like room, surrounded by two black males, looking like Danny Glover and Morgan Freeman respectively, and one carrot top. Jenk has seen some weird things thus far, but this was by and far the weirdest.

Jenk: Huh?

Danny Glover: Where are the others?

Jenk: What? I don't know. I hope they got awa-

In the back of his mind, Jenk knew that obviously wasn't the case.

Morgan Freeman: Sir, I know sarcasm. I invented sarcasm. And that sir, was a whole lot of sarcasm-

Jenk: Huh, what?

Glover glances towards Morgan, getting him to shut his trap for once and weld the door shut. If only that could work on his mouth.

Jenk: So, who're y-

Danny Glover: As long as those...things, are in the mall, we better not use this door.

Jenk: Why the-

Glover approaches one of the air ducts in the room, playing with the door in an attempt to get it open.

Jenk: Uh, what are you-

Danny Glover: The air ducts, they'll get us back into the mall.

Jenk: Air ducks, what you think you can just fly bac-?

Danny Glover: Those things can get around Captcha, but they apparently aren't smart enough to use the ducts. So they won't be a factor.

Jenk: Wait, you wanna go back in ther-

Danny Glover had already made his exit through the duct, leaving Jenk hanging.

Jenk: Wait what?

Jenk glances at Morgan, having just finished up welding the door.

Jenk: Why?

He then looks at the carrot top, whose too busy playing with your alligator and giraffe toys.

Jenk: Who are-? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

Carrot Top: Nice ipad. Are you a mobile user as well-eth?

Jenk: As a matter of fact, I am.

Jenk says, taking a lot of pride in his mobility.

Jenk extends his hand for a Mobile Brofist, but the carrot top just stared at him that blank Squidly look, the pic for which as can't seem to find.

Carrot Top: Could thou show-eth me thy pictures?

Jenk throws all caution to the wind at this point and gives her access to his ipad. She begins scrolling through his pictures as he realizes just what he took pictures of since he got into the community.

Jenk: Actually, you should...

The carrot top just smiles and giggles a little as she scrolls through all the pictures of death and carnage because she is a ginger after all.

Jenk: You seem to really know what you're doing.

Carrot Top: I hath also been mobile-eth for two cracks of dawn-eth now. The discrimination thou receive-eth when trying to enter ye olde xat, amirite-eth?

Jenk: Yes, someone who finally understands!

Jenk decides to use this brief moment of bonding to pry out some answers.

Jenk: Sooooo...who are you guys anyway? Why are you wearing a jester hat? And is your naturally that red?

The carrot top eventually reaches the pictures of Mr Dr Professor Patrick, looking in shock and awe as she lays sight on another ginger like herself. Jenk takes notice of this.

Jenk: I took that one near the entrance. What is he, your boyfriend or something?

The carrot top hands him back his ipad, getting off of it enough for now.

Carrot Top: No. Thanks for showing me though.

She proceeds to head into the other room to go fondle herself.

Jenk: Hey, we're not done talking yet. Tell me what I wanna know. I can't just assume you're all Danny Glover, Morgan Freeman and Carrot Top forever.

The carrot top, desperately wanting some alone time at the moment, decides to just come out with it.

Carrot Top: I'm Chassie. The man you saw earlier is Bad. That's all I'm authorized to tell you.

Chassie hurries into the monitor room to let out that pent up tension.

Jenk: That's comforting.

Jenk decides to go out for a look, himself, and turns to Morgan Freeman.

Jenk: So, where are the air ducks?

We next see Jenk ramming his way out of the mall's ventilation somewhere on the roof, landing flat on his face. He quickly dusts himself off to save face before putting on his most srs srsface.

Jenk: That wasn't what I expected.

He jumped off a pretty sizable ledge and saw an elevator right before him.

Jenk: Fantastiche!

He presses the button to call up the elevator when-

???: HEEEEYYY!

Jenk: AW GEEZ!

Jenk jumped back in fright as an older, slightly more lost fellow with the name "Calvin Harris" above his head came dashing out like a bat out of hell from behind the corner of the elevator where there is nothing but a dead end and some blunt objects. So yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

Calvin: Hello! Is anybody there!

Tired of waiting for the longest elevator ever, Jenk finally musters up the courage to talk to the man so that he would stop shouting and asking if anyone was there even though Jenk was standing right in front of him.

Calvin: You...

Jenk: Me?

Calvin: Yes you!

Jenk: Couldn't be.

Calvin: Have you seen my wife, SARA, she should still be around here.

Jenk: Doesn't ring any bells. But I'm sure if you believe in yourself and with a tiny bit of magic, some day love will find you...again.

Jenk replies, pressing the elevator button six more times.

Calvin: That'd be great, fella! The name's Calvin Harris by the way.

Jenk: Jenk West, report moderator. Remember it, because in a few days, the whole Community wil-

CALVIN HARRIS HAS JOINED

Jenk: Wait, what? No freakin- NO! NO!

It was too late. Calvin was following Jenk's every move now despite all his attempts to lose him. Having no other choice, he decides to help him find his wife. Considering the small size of this rooftop, she couldn't have possibly wandered far.

Jenk: Follow me!

And they scoured the rooftop, with Calvin shouting the same three lines of dialogue before making a right at another corner about 20 feet away. A woman could be seen about another 20 feet away, the name a over her saying "Sara Harris".

Sara: Calvin?

Jenk: Are you fucking kidding me?

Calvin: Sara?

Joy and undying love enveloped them as they ran towards each other with an animation that made them look like they had sticks up their asses.

Jenk: I mean seriously, you couldn't find each other here?

The couple hugged each other as tight as they could as a PP Sticker popped over their tender embrace.

Sara: Calvin, I'm so glad you're okay!

Calvin: Sara, I'll never take a blowjob from my co-worker again!

Jenk: I mean, come on now- PP?!

He whipped out his ipad but the photo opportunity expired as the couple stopped hugging and the PP Sticker faded away as Jenk was too busy ranting.

Jenk: Uh, could you do that again?

SARA HARRIS HAS JOINED

Jenk: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Not wanting these two dead weights joining him on his journeys, Jenk decides to take them back to the relative security of the mall's Security Room. After about thirty minutes of leading these two barnacle asses around this small, apparently hard-to-navigate rooftop, he finally takes them through the air duct and to safety, where Morgan Freeman soothes the two survivors with the sound of his voice.

Sara: I'm never letting Calvin receive sexual favors from his co-workers for as long as I live! I've had enough of this.

Jenk: Whatever helps you sleep at night, lady. fucking dipshits

20,000 PP EARNED! LEVEL UP ^^^

Jenk:...It feels just good to be a goddamn hero!

[Cha]

Here's the picture you can't seem to find.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Case 0-4: I Know Karate

September 19, 2:00 PM

After that slight delay in the story, Jenk prepares to take his leave again by going through the air ducts when Morgan Freeman interrupts him, for what is to be the first of many...many times.

Morgan: Jenk, it isn't safe out there. Here, take my socks.

Jenk: Thanks, Mr. Freeman. Coming from you, I'm sure they'll come in real handy.

Jenk says, immediately discarding them from his inventory.

Morgan: But if worse comes to worse. I do want you to take these.

Jenk has received the transceiver and mall map

Jenk: I can understand the map, but why this outdated device?

Morgan: It's so that I can soothe you with the sound of my voice in even your darkest hours.

Jenk: I'll be sure to cherish it, Mr. Freeman.

And cherish it...he will.

Jenk finally makes his way through the ducts and back out on the roof. He proceeds to jump for joy as this scrolls over the screen.

NEW MOVE LEARNED! INVENTORY +! HEALTH +! THROWING DISTANCE +! Karate Chop learned! He makes his way to a piece of 2x4, picking it up and adding it to his 6 slot inventory. Jenk notices something in his inventory, or lack thereof.

Jenk: Bastards took away my shotty!

He throws the 2x4 in anger, chucking it a whole five feet, his throwing has very much improved. He trots over to the elevator, calling it up and finally taking it down uninterrupted. The elevator takes him to what looks like the mall's warehouse. Items aplenty the place, making it very ideal for your every spambot-killing need. The transceiver suddenly begins ringing and Jenk answers it.

Jenk: Hell-

Morgan: Jenk, this is JCMtis, the mediator moderator.

Jenk: Oh, so that's who you are.

JCMtis: It looks like you're in the warehouse, where they no doubt store every item in this shopping complex.

Jenk: You don't say. How do you know where I am, anyway.

JCMtis: I am all and I see all in this mall, Jenkman. You can very much say I'm the guardian angel watching over. The Gary Coleman on your shoulder, if you will. Better yet, like Lucius Fox at the end of The Dark Knight.

Jenk: Is there anymore of an actual point to this call?

JCMtis: Listen Jenk, I know you're busy making doubloon doubloon bill yall and I don't usually do this, but I'm stuck up here comforting these survivors with the sound of my voice so I can't very much go out there myself and help out anyone else who may be in need, so could you be a doll help out any poor sap who may need the assistance? In a way, you do owe me after I risked my life getting your skinny ass up to the control panel.

Jenk: YOU saved me? Look buddy, I-

JCMtis: I'll relay any and all reports over to you. I'll keep in touch.

JCMtis hangs up the call.

Jenk: And they expect me to save these people?

Jenk navigates his way through the warehouse and reaches the hall leading into the actual mall.

Jenk: Well then, you know what I say, this looks like a job for a goddam-

The transceiver rings again. Jenk fumes as he goes to answer it.

Jenk: Yeah?!

JCMtis: By the way, there's some young guy with one eyebrow wandering around in Paradise Plaza. He's carrying a camera and snapping pics like you. I guess he must be a photographer, too. Making doubloons at a time like this... You both certainly are a bunch of rotten bananas.

Jenk: REVOLUTIONARI-

JCMtis hangs up again.

Jenk: OOOOHHH!

A new scoop has been added to his mission queue, Cut From The Same Cloth it's in the blue so Jenk had more than enough time to waste before going about it.

Jenk gets over it eventually and makes his way through a hall, activating a cutscene. Jenk is about to make his way through the Paradise Plaza entrance when he starts to hear bells coming from behind him. He backs up with extreme caution and shimmies against the walls of the hall, trying to get a peek past the corner. The bells get closer and closer as Jenk's heart begins pounding like no one's business.

Jenk: Spambots, huh? Had a a feeling you'd show up...but unluckily for you, my unnecessary and somewhat spammy friends, I now know KARATE.

He jumps out into the hall, his right arm in the air.

Jenk: HAAAAAA SHITAKI!

And with one swift Karate Chop, he takes that spammer down-

Chassie: Ow-eth.

Crap.

Jenk: Dear Neptune...it's you! Look, you shouldn't be fooling around here like that.

Jenk scolds, trying to put himself in the right here.

Chassie: Bad was attacked-eth. Sir JCMtis foundeth him on ye olde monitor. Ohhhh

Jenk: So he sent you out to help him? Vintage JCM.

Chassie stumbles back onto the ground as she tried getting herself up. Jenk finally decides to lend her a hand get her back on her feet. Her neck was stiff and somewhat dislodged from Jenk's attack.

Jenk: It looks like a sprain.

Jenk said, obviously covering up the severity of her injury.

Chassie: I must thou go helpeth Bad...or he be-eth doneth for.

Jenk takes offense to this.

Jenk: >Implying he'd be done for if I helped him. I'm gonna help Bad.

Chassie: No, thou can't letteth thy Customer go about that. It's againsteth the rules, no backseat moderating as commandeth by Sir Wumbo.

Jenk: Well, he obviously didn't have spam raids in mind when he wroteth thy rule in, kid. Shit, his bacon's probably burned by now.

Chassie: Do you know how to use this?

Chassie asked, throwing caution to the wind and handing him her Staff-issued Spy Buddy standard gun. Jenk takes it and has a little too much fun holding it in his hands.

Jenk: I've covered flame wars, ya know. Thou shouldn't worry thy foolish red head about it.

Chassie: Please do what you can to save him, please.

Jenk: But look, after I'm done helping you...you and I are gonna have a nice, little private chat.

Chassie gives Jenk that bullshrimp look before nodding her head. He leaves her behind before entering Paradise Plaza.

[Aya♥]

4/10

[Old Man Jenkins]

Scoop 1-1: Cut From The Same Brow

After getting past the dreadful loading screen between the warehouse and Paradise Plaza, our goddamn hero finally finds him thruster into a dark world, a world full of lies and deceit, but this isn't The Walking Dead (that may just be for another lit [FORESHADOWING]) so lets just cut to what makes Dead Rising great. Jenk head into the nearby Internet cafe and charges his ipad a bit before picking up an entire bench and smacking Spambots around with it. He racks up about 25 kills then the bench breaks on him.

Jenk: Hmmm, I wonder. HAAAA SHITAKI!

Jenk karate chops another spambot's head clean off its shoulders before heading up to the second floor in order to jump down onto the roof of one of the first floor kiosks where a katana randomly.

Jenk: Ah, just like in the game. It's fucking beautiful.

Jenk jumps down from the kiosk, slicing one spambot right down the middle in half before going to town on five more. He begins showing off to a sixth before putting the katana back into his inventory.

Jenk: HAAAA SHITAKI

And he proceeds to wet that spambot's whistle at the waist. He heads into the nearest Barnes & Noble and picks up a book about swords and blades. He reads it in a second flat and sticks it in his inventory, somehow making his katana even more durable and slightly less likely to break.

Jenk: Hmmm, I wonder.

He heads back upstairs and jumps onto the entrances of some stores parkouring along the line down the plaza. He picks up a jug of orange that somehow made its way up there and is probably past it's expiration date.

Jenk: I can't believe it!

Jenk picks up a handy dandy sub-machine gun that was also randomly placed up there as if people someone was planning on going on a massive shooting spree.

Jenk: Probably Patback's.

The SMG had an estimated amount of 150 rounds in it and Jenk proceeded to use 25 of them on some unsuspecting Spambots below as the body count grew to almost 100. He equipped his katana and jumped right on back down, where a spambot caught him from the front as he made his landing. This spambot in particular tried to whet Jenk's whistle by trying to spam him in the groin.

It gets a good chomp in as Jenk grunts off the pain.

Jenk: DON'T TOUCH ME, IM STERILE!

Jenk power pushes the kinky little thing away before jump kicking it straight through the window displays of CNF's Toon Shop. He makes his way back up to the second floor, slashing some heads open along the way before entering a nearby Chipotle to refuel the damage done to his health after that crotch shot.

Jenk: Fantastiche!

Jenk exclaims to himself as food seems to the answer to his injury and this plague apparently.

???: AHAHA!

Jenk: AW GEEZ!

Jenk cries, almost choking on his chipotle as an Indian-looking young lad with one eyebrow and a camera comes running towards him.

???: Hey old man! You ruined my shot!

Jenk looked up at the bar above this stranger's head and it said "Omair Evil". With a name like that, he's gotta be good. Like Smuckers.

Jenk: Your shot of what, an empty counter?

Omair: You know, it's good to go out and capture the big things, but sometimes it's the smaller things...

Jenk: Well, it's a been one doozy of a time, surely, but I have to go be a goddamn hero elsewhere. So if you'll please...how do you pronounce that?

Omair: Oh-Mayor, and you better remember it too because soon the World Wide Web will know it in a couple of days-

Jenk: Fucking excuse me?

Omair: Yes, you heard right, my friend. I will be the who will crack this story straight down to the source and show it for all the world to see. Then I'll be rolling in petting zoos for sure!

Jenk: You've got it all wrong, comrade. I will be the one to crack this story, not you-

Omair: AHAHA! That's rich, man.

Jenk: Yeah, like how I'll be once I crack this story.

Omair: AHAHA! Stop making humor, fool! For it is I that shall be bathing in llama milk once this is all said and done. Besides, where's your cam- Oh my, is that what I-?

Omair tries containing his laughter.

Omair: AHAHA! Taking pictures with an ipad?! That's the most childish thing I've ever heard of!

Jenk: Hey don't be hating just because I'm mobile.

Omair: Good luck getting even the Bikini Bottom Enquirer to have a look at those coloring book pages. Now if you will excuse me, I must continue my art for I shall be the one with a whole fleet llamas by the time this is all said and done.

Jenk: NO!

Omair: YES!

Jenk: NO!

Omair: YES!

Jenk: NO!

Omair: YES!

Jenk: NO!

Omair: YES!

And this continued on for the next 30 in-game minutes, so about 150 seconds in real-time.

Jenk: Did you not see me breaking hearts and making millions out there? I can very well knock that brow right off your head right now, boi!

Omair: I have an idea. Why resort to such unpleasantries when we can just have ourselves a little...photo challenge.

Jenk: You're losing me with your hip, young lingo, son.

Omair: A photo challenge, old man. Show me just what you can do on that LeapPad of your's and if I'm satisfied, I might just show you some of my greatest shots.

Jenk takes a look at his watch to see that his first case, Help For Bad, is still in the blue. He figures Bad can hold his own for a little while longer.

Jenk: Alright, let's do this.

[Aya♥]

4/10