SBC Rising

[crushingmayhem]

I like the last two episodes, you did better this time around.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Case 2-3: Drug Run

The scene opens up to our goddamn hero helping Teen J up to his feet by offering him his shoulder to lean on and support himself.

Jenk: There, all better, right?

Teenj: Better as I'll ever be.

Jenk: Ahh go refresh yourself, why won't ya.

Teenj: I might just do that, if I'm about to possibly get banned here, I wanna at least be banned with the most viewed spinoff ever.

Jenk: Whatever will bring you at peace with yourself if/when that time inevitably comes.

Jenk checks his watch for the time and the available reports that are available, only Drug Run for Chassie and Bad is available. Yellow meaning there's less than six hours in-game to complete it, so like 10 minutes or something in real time.

Jenk: Well, this case is something that'll certainly move the story along. That being said, I can't afford having you two come with as extra baggage and getting yourselves, or worst yet, me killed. Imma just drop you two off at the Staff Lounge and get this in the bag from there.

Jenk sets his watch on a course for home in the Staff Lounge. With Teen J on his shoulder, he simply power walks through the Spambots like paper. What? Deswim's A.I. gets the better of her and she starts being a dumb, getting herself in more trouble than she's worth with the Spambots that prompts Jenk to make periodic trips back to slice away at the spamming hordes and catch her back up to speed. The arrow takes him up through the North and right towards the now-unlocked Clap Mart, now renamed the "Rich Vintage Store".

Jenk: Dafuq is this?

He checks his watch for the time again, seeing that the guide arrow has him on course for Drug Run.

Jenk: Fuckin piece of shit arrow acting wonky agayn!

Deswim: Whats all the habub, Jenk?

Jenk: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.

Teenj: What's the bad news?

Jenk: Bad news is, you two are probs gonna die in what we're about to do here.

Deswim: What's the good news?

Jenk: We could score a few fatties for your brother here. Real medicinal shit! Could probs get some for a few friends of mine too.

Teenj: Who?

Jenk: Me, myself and I.

And with that, Jenk drags them into the grocery store with him and activating a cutscene. Jenk enters the seemingly devoid of life store, alone. He cautiously paces through one of the isles trying to find where the stash is located. Suddenly, a can of canned bread comes rolling by his feet from outta nowhere.

Jenk: AW GEEZ!

Just then, a figure pushing a cart rushes past the aisle Jenk was in right from behind. Jenk looks back, but the figure then rushes past him from the front without our goddamn hero noticing.

Jenk: What? I'm fighting zombies AND ninjas now. What's next, a blood cult?

Jenk faces back forward and continues down the aisle when suddenly, the cart pushing figure rushes right back in front of him. His name tag read "Newleaf Harrison".

Newleaf: HERE'S A STORE YOU'LL LIKE! HERE'S THE OFFERS!

Signature Sign : 100 db

Signature Sign (Premium): 500db

Spray Painter Signature: 200db

Spin-off Flex Text: 345db

Spin-off/Signature Aeroplane Sign: 205db

Flag Signature: 360db

All: 1,710 db

Newleaf approaches Jenk ever so slowly, Jenk taking notice of a young woman lying unconscious in the cart. It was that piece of ass from the beginning of our story in the Entrance Plaza, Ayabela.

Newleaf: You came to take my toke, huh?PARODY OF BARNES AND NOBLE!

Jenk: Yeah, actually. I need something medicinal, if you know what I'm sayin-

Newleaf: WTF do ya mean?

Jenk: WEED, as in drugs. Look, someone's been hurt. I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not Someone. It's an actual "someone someone"-

Newleaf: HURT?!

Newleaf grabs Ayabela's head and shakes it around violently.

Newleaf: That's just what this bitch said when she came to take my toke! I don't take kindly to selling real DVDs. I will not allow it! You listen, and you listen good partner. GIVE ME A LINK TO THE PIC AND IT'LL WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORK!

Jenk: Well shit.

Jenk readies himself for another fight.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Case 2-3: Spooky Cookie

The scene opens up to our goddamn hero being thruster right into the heat of battle, Newleaf immediately running him over in the middle of aisle 69 with his weapon cart, decorated in various blades, pitchforks, cleaning supplies and fat Dora the Explorer pictures.

Jenk: Dafuq! I wasn't ready after that long ass wait! Loading times in this game, amirite fellas-

Newleaf comes charging down the aisle again. Giving our goddamn hero little to no time to finish his Dead Rising reference.

Jenk: Aw geez!

Newleaf runs straight into Jenk, impaling him on his cart, right as he reached the end of the aisle. Down by two health blocks now, Jenk scurries to develop a more well thought out strategy.

Jenk: Alright Jenk Man, you got dis, mang! YOU got dis! you GOT dis! you got DIS-

Deswim runs right on ahead out of nowhere in order to attack Newleaf barehanded, Teen J follows suit, slowly shuffling his way over with every fiber of his being.

Jenk: NOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Deswim gets her head blown clean off by Newleaf's newly brandished shotgun, followed by blasting Teen J back a good distance away.

DESWIM IS DEAD

Jenk: Well, she did not die in vain. Sure as hell saved me the pain of finding that out for myself. And you sure as hell ain't that torn up about it as she was earlier.

Teen J: Well, she is practically never here anyway, cuz!

Jenk: At least we still have you, the genuine article.

Teen J: cuz

Realizing this fantastic (ha) opportunity, Jenk covertly makes his over to the produce section to the left of Newleaf, finding himself a good vantage point before taking out his semi-automatic assault shotgun.

Jenk: Time to unload the stock!

Jenk empties out his gun after one shot, missing his intended target anyway.

Jenk: Not that fast-

Newleaf blasts Wets back into the produce, taking out another block of health before charging on over to him with his cart.

Jenk: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!

Jenk manages to dodge roll right out of the way, causing Newleaf to run right into a stack of watermelons. Jenk grabs two watermelons, one for himself and the other to smash right over Newleaf's head.

Jenk: Haha!

Newleaf: Ripoff artist!

Newleaf kicks Jenk right in the shin, causing our goddamn hero to lose another block of health and topple to the ground.

Jenk: My leg! My bad leg! Oh lawdy lawd! WHY- oh, so that's what happened to Beach Bob. Pretty great use of foreshadowing rite tha-

Newleaf: ALALALALALALA YEEEAAAH!

Jenk gets run over while in the cradle position on the ground.

Jenk limps back up and grabs one of the fruit washers from produce.

Jenk: I learned this one from Moose!

Jenk proceeds to spray Newleaf in the face with the fruit washer, stunning him. Jenk then takes out his mini chainsaw.

Jenk: How's about we slash these prices!

Wets slashes and hacks away a few times at Harrison until only about a small fraction of his health was left. Newleaf managed to cut Jenk off and knocked him away with his weapon cart. Running low on health, Jenk makes his way over to the to the juice aisle, Newleaf running Teen J down while in pursuit, and notices something that tickles his fancy.

Jenk: Sunny D! Alright!

Jenk pulls a bottle out of the shelf.

Jenk: Taste the power of the sun, bitch!

Jenk chucks the bottle right in Newleaf's face, doing very little to no damage.

Jenk: Well, shi-

Jenk cuts himself off in order to run away, Newleaf still in pursuit.

Jenk: AH! AHHH! Help me!

Teen J: Dont worry, Jenk Man! I'm coming, cuz!

Teen J continues to slowly limp his way towards the battle, getting run over by Newleaf again. Jenk runs into the frozen foods section and takes out a box of waffles, looking to refuel, but Newleaf charges in and charges into him again. Jenk scurries back up and flees the aisle, running into Teen J again. He hands the waffles off to him.

Jenk: Take this, just in case.

Teen J: ...In case of what, cuz?!

Newleaf immediately plows through Teen J as Jenk refuels himself in the deli, chowing down on some fried chicken.

Newleaf: <-------- Someone walking!

Jenk: Bitch I'm running, believe you and me!

Jenk bolts out from behind the deli counter right as Newleaf turned his cart in there. Jenk runs up to Teen J and hands him a fried chicken leg.

Jenk: Get fried.

Teen J: Oh, ha ha, cuz!

Jenk runs past Teen J, who gets run over again as Jenk manages to lose Newleaf in the spinoff section of the store, since Newleaf can't help but peddle his wares there. Jenk approaches Teen J with the watermelon he grabbed from produce earlier.

Jenk: A watermelon! Fresh from the manure field, your spookiness!

Jenk proceeds to hand him the watermelon in order to refuel.

Teen J: ...As a Retired Employee, dis is just fucked up, cuz!

Newleaf: WATCH IT! IT'S A VERY FUNNY MOVIE!

Jenk: Exsqueeze me.

Newleaf runs through Teen J faster than a black man with your tv. Jenk whips out his small chainsaw.

Jenk: Don't word it like that!

And readies it for Newleaf.

Jenk: Alright Jenk Man, the moment of truth. You got dis, you got dis motherfucker. FOR GLORY!

Jenk goes all in and charges at Newleaf, wailing and chainsaw blazing, but Teen J finally reaches Harrison and decks him with a hard punch from behind.

Teen J: I think twice but I act once, cuz!

He takes down what was left of Harrison's health and triggers another cutscene on Jenk mid-charge. Newleaf's cart crashes down onto the floor, Newleaf stumbling in pain and grabbing one of the registers in order to support himself on his own two feet.

Newleaf: My store...my...store! Who will run my store when I'm gone?! My store...my weed...my sales...my...Krustomers...have a nice day

Newleaf falls and plops down onto the store ground, motionless.

Jenk: I sure wish Wumbo were here to see thi-

Newleaf: *sits up* CLEAN UP! REGISTER 420!

Jenk: Aw geez!

Jenk shrieks shrilly in fright before Newleaf drops dead, forreal. Jenk grabs a cash register and smashes it over his head, just to be safe. He sees Ayabela, who was in the cart, now lying on the ground. He kneels down next to her, rubs his hands together in excitement and proceeds to touch her.

Jenk: Touch.

This is enough to wake her up into consciousness.

Ayabela: Don't touch.

Jenk: Back to regular activity levels? You're one tough cookie.

Ayabela: I am not a cookie

Jenk: Look, I uh..."saw" you in the Entrance Plaza check-in yesterday. You needed some ganja too? Maybe we can, you know, work together *wink*

Ayabela: I don't need any help. You people don't know a thing! You're the ones who caused this nightmare! You ruined my America, and started all of this!

Jenk: Whoa whoa whoa there, bubu! Don't you think Teen J has been through enough for one episode?

Teen J: Yeah, whatchu mean by "you people", cuz?! You better practice safe sex by lockin yo'self in yo car tonight!

Ayabela just walks away, leaving the store. Jenk notices the key to Newleaf's stash on the floor and picks it up.

Teen J: DAAAMMNN, WE ACTUALLY HIT THE SBC LOTTERY, CUZ!

PSYCOPATH DEFEATED! LEVEL UP! 30,000 PP EARNED! RUNNING SPEED ^^^

Jenk drags Teen J all the way back into Newleaf's secret stash and fix themselves a couple of bowls, wasting time and giving themselves about an hour to complete Drug Run now. Jenk receives a PM on his transceiver.

Jenk: Whagwan, me bredren.

Jenk tries holding back his laughter.

JCMtis: I just saw this nerdy dude carryin' a machete in that 70's store... Best Buy somethin' or other. He knows where the security cameras are and he's doin' a good job of stayin'...outta sight.

Teen J: Zing, cuz!

Jenk and Teen J laugh and almost choke on their waffles and friend chicken.

JCMtis: Thank you, I'll be here til the 21st.

[Sauce Mama]

The most ironic thing is I just finished washing fruit within, like, 2 minutes of reading this. Funny ep, Jenks.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Report 11-1: Is This The Real Life, or Is This Just A Fantasy

The scene opens up to our goddamn hero fighting his way to the nearby Best Buy just down the hall in the North Plaza with Teenj in tow, getting spammed along the way because this game's A.I. sucks.

Teenj: JENK HELP ME CUZ!

Jenk: Sorry, you only get one.

Jenk says before following the increasingly wonky omnipotent guide arrow into the Best Buy entrance, but finds himself distracted by the sounds of whimpering coming from a vacant store right next to the Best Buy.

???: Help us, please! Someone!

Jenk approaches the doors of the store but finds out that it's been locked down. He peers through the glass door to see three kids in the darkness of the room by themselves. The bars over their heads said Nick, Prudence and No Name.

Teenj: What stay stoppin you from bustin that door, hummie? You got quite an arsenal on your hands, hummie. Nuttin should be able to stop us, hummie!

Jenk: I am, what you call, a "dick".

Jenk and Teenj proceed to enter the Best Buy, activating another cutscene. Only Jenk is seen walking into Best Buy for some reason and looks up at the castrated Spambots hanging from the ceiling, dripping blood and with no whistles to wet.

???: Username and rank, member!

Jenk turned back to see Travis approaching him from behind with a large sword in hand.

Travis: You can't tell me, can ya, fella?

Jenk: Look, I'm not your fella, f-

Travis: Stop right at that letter! I know why, it's because you're a homophobe.

Jenk: Whoa hey, I wasn't gonna say that! I was just gonna say fu-

Travis: I'm right, aren't I? I'm always right, I'm the Main Admin. And you JUST LOST POINTS WITH ME!

Travis charges and takes a swing at Jenk, but Jenk manages to dodge to the side and Travis seems to disappears.

Jenk: What do you think this is, 2011?

Jenk looks around but Travis is nowhere to be found until his voice comes booming throughout Best Buy.

Travis: You're not gonna tell me what to post in the spambox...

Jenk grips his ipad and walks around looking for 70s as 70s continues speaking from somewhere in the store.

Travis: By the time I'm done beating some respect into you, you're gonna be wishing you had read Doody Era...

Jenk gets on his camera app and has his camera facing towards his face to look behind himself as he continues to look around as he catches a glimpse of 70s darting out from a shelf. Jenk turns to hear footsteps behind him. The cutscene ends and Jenk is thrusted right into the heat of battle as Travis comes up at him from behind. Jenk manages to catch a glimpse through his ipad and accidentally takes a photo in fright right as 70s shoves his sword up Jenk's ass, taking out two health blocks all on his own.

Jenk: AW GEEZ!

Suddenly, Teenj comes shooting at Travis, causing that 70s guy to retreat back for the moment. Jenk quickly hauls ass, literally, and they both give him chase but 70s jumps down into one of the secret hatches hidden throughout the store.

Teenj: Whatchu waitin for? Get in there!

Jenk: No way in Davy Jones' Locker am I going in his hole!

70s appears above them in the store's rafters and tosses a grenade down at them.

Travis: FAG OUT!

Jenk: Aw gee-

They both get caught in the explosion and are both blown back down one of the aisles. Jenk miraculously only loses one health block while Teenj's health is about a quarter of the way down. 70s jumps down at them and surprises a stunned Jenk from behind with another sword thrust into his anus. Teenj gets back on his ass and Travis retreats down the hatch yet agayn.

Jenk: TH E ASS. WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE ASS?

Teenj: I guess he be wanting to plunder your booty, hummie! Plunder it like thunder, cuz!

Jenk: Who does he think I am, my cousin?!

70s: FAG OUT!

70s tosses another grenade right at them and it blows in both their faces.

Teenj: Strange, considering how he's usually the one taking the blows to his face.

Jenk: Yes, the irony is not lost on me.

70s: FAG OUT!

70s tosses out another grenade, but OMJ manages to catch it and tosses it back up at 70s.

Jenk: Be careful, these things can have a tendency to backfire-

But 70s manages to swat it back down at Jenk, who tosses it back up to 70s, who swats it back down to Teenj this time, who hot potatoes it back to Jenk.

Jenk: Don't toss it back to me, you jackass!

Jenk throws it back at Teenj.

Teenj: Hey, hey, hey! It was a lil, heat of the moment thing!

Teenj throws it back and Jenk and they proceed to toss the grenade back and forth with each other until it blows up right in between them.

Teenj: Well that accomplished a whole lotta nuttin.

Jenk: You think?

Jenk: Why don't you fight us like a man instead of from behind and with explosives. That's just gay, mang-

70s pounces at Jenk from out of nowhere and proceeds to beat him down to a pulp.

70s: How dare you use that word! For that, you're gonna lose more than just points with me, you're gonna lose your life!

Jenk: Please *punched* as if I *blown* have much of a life left to lose *impaled* anyway!

Teenj: As moderator, I will not stand idly by while my hummie gets slashed, flashed and gashed!

Teenj: Pulls 70s off of Jenk and they proceed to spam blows with each other.

Jenk: Kinky.

Jenk brandishes his small chainsaw.

70s: Heh, small.

Jenk: Fuck you!

Jenk lays into 70s with his small chainsaw, quickly cutting his health down to size.

Teenj: No! That man has a family!

Once Travis' health bar depletes to zero, another cutscene activates. Jenk is shown standing over Travis' body.

Travis: You...over...there. Here...take this...

Travis puts his wallet down on the floor.

Jenk: Well I was gonna loot you anyway, but thanks for making my job that much easier.

Jenk goes to pick it up and notices pictures of Calvin Reynolds, Sara and their three kids next to a pair of keys.

Travis: I need to clear the air here. I know I...lied...to a lot of you in the past...many times...about some fucked up things. There's nothing I can do...to remedy this now. When I came back to make things right...to all of this...it was too late. Everybody were being...done in by those damn Spambots. When I heard their creams...I just lost it. Everything went white...suddenly. It was the most...embarassing period of...my life. The drama...it was ne-never over...not for me. It...never...ended...

Travis finally signs out of his account for the last time. Teenj kneels down and closes his eyes out of respect.

Teenj: Rest, hummie. Now you can res-

Jenk suddenly drops a TV monitor on top of Travis' head, smashing it.

Teenj: Fuck, cuz! Dafug was that?!

Jenk: Bygones being bygones.

PSYCHOPATH DEFEATED! RANK UP ^^^ NEW MOVE LEARNED! THE BLOW JOB

Jenk grabs the wallet and exits the Best Buy as Teenj cautiously trails behind him. Jenk looks at the key Travis gave him and then towards the locked door that the kids in the picture were trapped inside from earlier.

Jenk: Fuck it.

Jenk bypasses the door and proceeds to head for the North Plaza exit.

Teenj: You ain't gonna bust them kids out, cuz?! No homie love, no hugs?!

Jenk: Well, I am, what you call, a "dick".

They proceed to leave the plaza and head back to the staff lounge in order to get the weed back to Bad and Chassie.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Report 11-2: The Slanderer

The scene opens up to our goddamn hero and Teenj fighting their way back to the Staff Lounge through the Industrial Park when Jenk receives yet another PM from JCMtis.

Jenk: What?! What?! What?!

JCMtis: There's somebody inside the MR ENTER THREAD located circa BIKINI PLAZA.

Jenk: WHAT?! That's all the way back where we saw hilaryfan80.

JCMtis: I didn't get a good look at them, but I'm pretty sure it was a man. Pretty uh, pretty sure I saw a bulge down there. He looked really uhhhhhhgh.

Jenk: What do you mean he looked really "uhhhhhhgh"?

JCMtis: You'll see for yourself when you get down there. If you get down there.

Jenk: Are you saying there's a goddamn ghost of a chance that I won't be able to make it back there?!

JCMtis hangs up on him.

Jenk: "Uhhhhhhgh!" I hate that fucka! Alright, you and I need to take a lil field trip back a few plazas.

Teenj: As moderator, I think once but act twice

Jenk: Dafuq is dat supposed to mean?

Teenj: I don't know, but it's old, bold and blue. LETS DO THIS, HUMMIE! Pause.

They proceed to fight all the way back to the tumultuous Mr Enter thread in Bikini Plaza.

Jenk: Mang, this place reeks of shit.

Teenj: Well, there was a lot of shit slinging here before shit really went down, nah'sayin?

Jenk: No, "I don't nah'sayin".

???: No, get back!

Jenk and Teenj further investigate and they eventually come upon a user by the name of More Spongebob Sandy.

Jenk: Uhhhhhgh, that's what he meant.

Teenj: This cat's lookin serious, hummie. Like he's seriously taking a dookie!

Jenk: Look mang, some serious shit is about to go down in your pants if you don't come with me, so move!

More: Help me, I'm too young to die in a placthe as dead as EsthBC!

Teenj: Say whaaaaaaaaat

Jenk: Them be some fightin words, Moar Boy, so if it's a whoopin you be a wantin, I'm sure the staff will be happy to oblige after I get a few licks in meself. Teenj, step outside.

Teenj: Say whaaaaaat

Jenk: I said get the duck outside!

Jenk ordered, assigning a waypoint out the door for him to follow.

Teenj: Must. Follow. Waypoint.

Jenk tries closing the door once Teenj left, but ends up outside of the room. He opens it and closes it again, but ends up outside again.

Jenk: Goddamn door mechanics!

Jenk keeps this up for about another ten tries before if ally getting on the right side of the door, inside.

Jenk picks an idiot box up from the floor and uses it to do things to More SpongeBob Sandy that I'll just leave up to your

More: Sthop! No more (sthpongebob sthandy) pleasthe! EsthBC isth justh to sthupendousth and fantabulousth! Stheriousthly, it's justh awesthome

Jenk: Goo, goo, very goo.

More: You justh tell me where we need to go!

Jenk: I love it when a plan cums together