Best and Worst of Entertainment 2014 Edition

[terminoob]

 

 

6. KONGOS - Come With Me Now Yeah, I don't have much to say about this song. It's lyrics are meh, but it's just as catchy if not catchier than Maps. It's just another song that's so fun to sing along to, and the song itself feels powerful.

 

 

Yeah that's from 2012.

[Sweat]

Yeah that's from 2012.

It got popular in 2014, and that's basically the only criteria I need  

[Clappy]

....crap I told myself I wouldn't look at these until I finished mine but as soon as I saw termi's post I had to look.

Didn't see the rest of the lists though but I will say that seeing KONGOS make the year end 100 put a smile on my face. I did not expect Come With Me Now to become as big as it did when I first heard them back at a local concert series around Richmond called Shamrock the Block. To see that song crossover and become the hit it became just made me so happy. It's insanely catchy and I just love it.

Now I'll go forward with finishing my lists and do my best not to snoop until later today when I hope to be done.

[Steel Sponge]

(Keeping the titles and stuff in spoiler tags for those who don't want to look at it yet)

 

Here's something I won't have in spoilers though, my honorable mentions for what could've made the best of the best:

 

Let it Go / Idina Menzel

 

Looks like everyone was sick of this song, except for me, ha! This is not on the Top 10 because I wouldn't consider this worthy of being there. It was popular, not in a way I would call this a "pop song."

 

Not a Bad Thing / Justin Timberlake

 

It lives up to its title. This song is not a bad thing at all and this is at the honorable mentions spot....because I just like it so much more than all the other songs I have at the middle of the road.

 

The Man / Aloe Blacc

 

I've become a sucker for this song. I think of it as one from the assortment of songs I find pretty entertaining. It has a catchy chorus, he's got the voice, I can actually feel for this one.

 

Sweater Weather / The Neighborhood

 

I love almost everything about this song and it would have been perfect to be on the list if it was for last year. Instead, its pushed to the honorable mentions tier, with....

 

The Monster / Eminem featuring Rihanna

 

If I have to give a highlight to one of the biggest rap hits of 2014, this one is the best for me. I can't say much praise for this song, so I can just say that Eminem made the year in rap history. (Oh okay, and Kendrick Lamar too with "i.")

 

Counting Stars / OneRepublic

 

They entertained me. I'd never imagined the time where OneRepublic would sound as interesting. I love the rhythm, chorus, the production, and so forth, a breath of fresh air from those guys that I will certainly live through.

 

Happy / Pharrell Williams

 

Of course the #1 song is really good as well. Gives me the funky feeling.

 

Pompeii / Bastille

 

My official #11, and don't worry, my list isn't heavily bombarded with rock hits such as this one. Yet it's a really unique "rock" number to become a Top 5 hit. While I like the random monks giving out the hook and the catchy chorus, it has its delusional quirks. ("How am I going to be an optimist about this?")

 

 

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2014 (by Steel Sponge)

 

 

Spoiler

10. Leave the Night On / Sam Hunt

 

 

Well, this is embarrassing. I don't think anyone is going to agree with me for this pick. Call this a guilty pleasure for me, if you will. Of all country songs, I think of this as the biggest highlight of 2014 in the world where the industry is one ridiculous sausagefest. My thoughts are varied on whether or Sam Hunt is a "bro," but if this really is a bro song, I ought to say that sets an example of one that I can really tolerate....and especially consider it memorable. I like it because it feels different for me and I feel it being subtle for country partying song. Heck, for a partying song, we got girls put into mention, but less than more. There's no alcohol, drinks, beer, whiskey, vodka, or whatever, no trucks - and that's not even a truck in the music video! It's rather a bro song, but one that relies on fun and fair lyrical structure, even if some of them are a bit low quality....

 

Baby, I know what you're wishin' for
I'm wishin' for it too

 

I'd take that as a little example.

 

We'll be rolling down the windows, I bet you we're catchin' our second wind

 

I guess I can give Hunt credit for making "rolling down the windows" sound less mundane.

 

The sky is dropping Jupiter around us like some old train

 

Subtle reference or not, at least that line wasn't as mind-numbing as Pat Monahan's (not jjs obvi) usual wordplay.

 

 

Spoiler

9. Habits (Stay High) / Tove Lo

 

 

Of course, I also have a soft spot for "Habits (Stay High)." It's impressive to learn about how much Tove Lo goes through in the supply of drugs and alcohol in order to "stay high." And she makes sure of that....because of a break-up. Nothing more. ....I'm fine with this, really. It's because of the unusual storytelling to bring in depth of some of her miserable settings for one moment:

 

I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub
Then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Dazed and kinda lonely

 

Yeesh. One thing I'd like to note is the distinctive honesty behind the song's meaning, if I were to give another point to why I have this on my list. What else you guys may ask? Well, I can see myself getting into the chorus and the unique beat. My main point is that I can understand few of its flaws, but I still enjoy this.

 

 

Spoiler

8. Royals / Lorde

 

 

Yeah, I'm cheating again, just like with putting "Blurred Lines" in my top worst countdown. This is just really good, it was nice for this to stay hanging around, and there's no denying how talented Lorde is. Now that I'm getting around to expressing my thoughts on this....song, here's why I like it: it's clever. The lyrics are outstanding. They are creative enough and well put-in compared to....you know. For example...

 

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh
I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies

 

But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.

 

Then there's the beats and vocal work, spectacular. The snap claps, the general beat buzzing in my ears. Lorde doesn't fail with how she works around with her voice and modifies it for some key moments; harmonic at best.

 

 

Spoiler

7. Love Runs Out / OneRepublic

 

 

You know something's really up when I have a OneRepublic song my list and that I find a OneRepublic song really, and I mean really fun to listen to. As you can see, some of my picks are usually based on some of the songs I would get into the mood of going back to listen to again, and this what "Love Runs Out" does for me. It's entertaining, infectious, and worthy of a rerun in my opinion, pretty explanatory. Love feels good, and it will keep feeling good until it stops or "runs out", if I have interpreted that correctly, then I can appreciate that song's little bits of substance, if not enough. Alright, next song is a doozy....

 

 

Spoiler

6. Come With Me Now / KONGOS

 

 

How would I ignore putting this on my list? It rocks really hard. Killer accordion solo, sick drum beats, chilling chorus line, intense verses, I love just about everything about it. It's good, too good. A rare kind of good. The biggest compliment I'd give is the blend of musical styles and how it works so well. Goodness, I adore this song so much that I just have to keep this short and simple...but my guilty conscience says that I like the Top 5 more than this....

 

 

Spoiler

5. Do What U Want / Lady Gaga featuring R. Kelly

 

 

While Christina Aguilera struggles, Lady Gaga still thrives and doesn't fail to impress. Where do I begin here? The beginning already sells with its attention grabbing and sick opening beat. R. Kelly being here feels kinda iffy, but I don't seem to mind much. What matters is that they both sound good here, most notably Lady Gaga's vocals.

 

You can't have my heart
And you won't use my mind but
Do what you want with my body

 

Makes good enough sense, I'd say, but maybe moreso with R. Kelly out of the way (once again). Bottom line? It's just a really fun song and filled with enough soul to keep me thrilled. I bet Ed Sheeran's still got some work to do if he were to try and bring me into his music....

 

Don't fuck with my love

 

What?

 

 

Spoiler

4. Don't / Ed Sheeran

 

 

Don't fuck with my love

That heart is so cold

All over my home

 

Should I surprised by this? He did Sing to coincide with this, but congrats to Ed Sheeran for making an exceptionally good song. To sum up my thoughts on this perfectly, it's extremely catchy as heck. That's not all though, aside from sounding entertaining, it's packed with some interesting lyrics.

 

A week later returned
I reckon she was only looking for a lover to burn
But I gave her my time for two or three nights
Then I put it on pause 'til the moment was right

 

We drink away the days with a take-away pizza
Before a text message was the only way to reach her
Now she's staying at my place and loves the way I treat her
Singing out Aretha

 

Just the best tune I've ever from Ed Sheeran and the best structure I've seen him build for such a song. Like I said before and to add up my verdict, really catchy, it's got a funky vibe, really good piano beats, another winner from the hits of 2014.

 

 

Spoiler

3. Rather Be / Clean Bandit featuring Jess Glynne

 

 

One of the most beautifully crafted songs right here. The music video even helps with the craftiness. Though, I can't say I have much to talk about so this might go around short. It's got an upbeat tune, which provides an even better sound for the chorus, it has an impressive love tale in place for the song' s meaning, how they manage it....I can just tell how good this song is through the effort they've made, it's impossible for me to hate on this.

 

 

Spoiler

2. Ain't It Fun / Paramore

 

 

Man, is Butters not going to be happy to see this song being this high on my list (just an assumption). I can't really understand how people would hate on this song (even when seeing this make ADoseOfBuckley's list), but if you guys are wandering why I'm ranking this song at #2, think about it. This is much more worth listening to because of the usual theme of "fun." In comparison, I dislike a variety of songs on the year-end charts based on how boring they were. "Adore You," "Don't Tell Em," "Hold On, We're Going Home," "Hey Brother," "Na Na," "I Don't Dance," you name it. Additionally, I'd know how good this song is if they would have the ability to blend an abandoned sound as new jack swing" for the rest of the song's sound. It's funky, bubblegum sounding pop, it downright rocks, and gives me more respect for Paramore. Sure some of the lyrics are weak, but ain't it fun living in the real world? I'd say so and how good enough it is be in that setting, so don't don't crying to your mama.

 

 

Spoiler

1. Chandelier / Sia

 

 

Now this is the big one right here. My biggest highlight of 2014 is "Chandelier." How good is it? Before catching up, this seemed like the first song off of 2014's brand of music that I really REALLY got into. For a beat that channels Lorde, it has a really good sound. With a voice that comes off similar as Rihanna, Sia takes it to a new level when she raises it up. I also can't forget to mention the material for this song. To me, it's a really subtle song about drinking and its quality goes on par with "Swimming Pools." (Yet another shout-out to Kendrick Lamar) Overall, it's got a dark meaning, it gives me the feeling to dance around like the girl in the music video, it's chilling, it's got pretty good lyrical content....

 

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn?

 

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night,

feel my tears as they dry

 

Yeah, so much praise I can give. I've thought about this being my all-time favorite hit song of 2014 and stuck with it. I just highly recommend this.

 

 

Let me know if you guys want to hear my thoughts on any of the other songs that did not get a mention and/or did not appear on either list.

[Wumbo]

Try not to snoop, Clappy.

 

All right, so 2014. Good God, 2014. Yeah, not gonna lie. This year was worse than 2013 for music. The sucky songs just sucked so hard, and while there were some true standouts, enough to make 10 songs I really enjoyed, there were not as many truly good songs as 2013. Not only that, but I think 2014 was the year where everybody stopped caring about music. I can think of maybe five or six songs that, for better or for worse, will endure in pop culture from this year. The year just seemed really disposable to me. Yeah, so bad year in music, let's put it to rest. Starting with the creme de la crud, here are...

 

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Songs of 2014

 

Spoiler

10. "Classic" - MKTO

 

 

Oh, for... you know, trying to sound more Glee than Glee is not something you should try to accomplish. Glee is still probably worse than this, but this has a lot of things that just piss me off. It doesn't seem like a song that should be on my Bottom 10. It's clean-cut, polished, and perfect-sounding. But therein actually lies the problem.

 

This song feels like it's trying to appeal to someone. Maybe someone who can't stand Katy Perry but isn't highbrow enough for Lorde. A safe, non-threatening song for casual pop listeners to digest through some dated adult alternative radio station. This is like if Hot Chelle Rae were trying to disguise themselves as a good band. Also, I have to take umbrage with some of these lyrics. The song is called "Classic", and naturally they go with this title by naming off artists that could reasonably be thought of as "classic":

 

I wanna thrill you like Michael

I wanna kiss you like Prince

 

Okay, fine. But does someone wanna clue me in on where Beyoncé comes into the picture?

 

Hepburn, Beyoncé, Marilyn, Massive

Girl you’re timeless, just so classic

 

This reminds me of a Corner Gas episode (bear with me) where the restaurant owner uses the word "classic" on her menu to influence her customers to buy certain items, rendering the word meaningless. This song does just that. I suppose I can understand why people would like it, but for me, this isn't timeless or classic. It's just trite.

 

Spoiler

9. "Don't Tell 'Em" - Jeremih ft. YG

 

 

Why is Jeremih a star? I didn't understand in 2009, I didn't understand in 2011, and I still don't understand now. There is not a single thing about this song that is distinctive. There are so many artists that can do what DJ Mustard is doing on this song, and there are so many better R&B artists than Jeremih. I can't fathom why we're keeping this guy around. Are we, as a society, ashamed to admit to ourselves that making the "Birthday Sex" guy famous was a mistake, so we try to delude ourselves that his music is good, or even memorable? People, it's time to own up to our errors. Let's not hear another song by this guy in 2015 get popular. For the good of the world.

 

YG's on this song too. I've heard better from him, definitely. His part sounds like Rick Ross wrote it at 3am. In fact, that's what the whole composition of this song sounds like. Lazy and lifeless. Could someone please tell 'em, all of 'em, that they need to try harder?

 

Spoiler

8. "Burnin' it Down" - Jason Aldean

 

 

I don't think I could find a country artist that was more ashamed of being country this year than Jason Aldean. I'm honestly not even sure if this counts as country. There needs to be more to country than the singer, otherwise Hootie & the Blowfish songs could plausibly be called country!

 

But the distinction from country music isn't what puts it in my Bottom 10. It's the fact that this is a boring, sloggy song. One of the most lifeless I've ever heard. It doesn't pick up at the chorus or the verses. And this is supposed to be a romantic song? Aldean sounds like he's at a funeral! Some kind of weird, avant-garde quasi-country funeral. I'm almost certain they exist.

 

I've had beef with stupid country songs before. But at least those ones sounded like the artists were having fun, and that was what left them off my Bottom 10. Luke Bryan, Blake Shelton, hell, even FLORIDA GEORGIA LINE are better than this garbage, because none of them sound like they hate their jobs. If you want to burn something down, go for the record this song came off of.

 

(Also, "burnin' it down" still makes no sense as a euphemism unless, I don't know, your girlfriend has chlamydia?)

 

Spoiler

7. "Best Day of My Life" - Owl City formed a rock band, apparently American Authors

 

 

Look, I just have a limit when it comes to indie rock. I know when I'm listening to good indie rock, and I know when I'm listening to cheap indie rock. This is as cheap as it gets. I can almost feel the lead singer winking at the camera a la Mike Myers' Cat in the Hat. And why shouldn't he? His scam worked. Happy, uplifting indie beats make for happy good-time popular song, where's my check?

 

But... honestly, it's the vocals that get to me. I think they sound very Owl City-esque, in that they're trying to be all different and hipster-ish, and the result is ear nausea for anyone who listens. It doesn't help this guy that the lyrics massively suck, too.

 

I had a dream so big and loud

 

"Big and loud"? Was this written for five-year-olds? Or by five-year-olds?

 

I don't know. I guess my overall beef with this song is that it seems to think it's better than it actually is. I think it's the song on this Bottom 10 list that is most trying to convince me that it's not wasting my time, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Mostly a bad thing, because it is wasting my time and it shouldn't be a hit. I can't think of a single song trying to get by on pure pretentiousness this year more than this one.

 

Spoiler

...oh yeah, there was this.

 

6. "A Sky Full of Stars" - Coldplay

 

 

Now I guess the big difference between this and the American Authors song is that I really used to like Coldplay. Like, "The Scientist" was a great song. Still is, by the way. But somewhere along the line, Coldplay must have realized that they can get by on style minus substance, and got worse. And then round about 2014, they dropped the "style" component of their music as well and just said, "hey, fuck it. Let's do EDM. EDM's popular, right?" And "A Sky Full of Stars" was born.

 

Honestly, what am I supposed to do with this? Look at these lyrics:

 

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

I'm gonna give you my heart

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

'Cause you light up the path

 

...okay? Good to know? I'm honestly at a loss.

 

I don't care, go on and tear me apart

I don't care if you do, ooh, ooh

 

...so is Chris Martin, apparently! At a loss on what to write to continue the verse... or chorus... or... I don't know, this song is so monotonous I can't even tell.

 

There were still EDM hits this year, and I stand by that it can be interesting, fun music. But not when uncaring borewhores Coldplay are at the helm. Of all the EDM this year, this has to be the worst, most tedious example.

 

Spoiler

...No, wait! There was

this.

 

5. "Summer" - Calvin Harris

 

 

Out-boring Coldplay is what one can call a feat, I guess. But all accomplishments must come at a price. And that price is incurring my wrath as my 5th worst hit song of 2014. It's "Feel So Close". That's it. Only it sucks even more. I don't even know what to say here. It's almost four minutes but it feels like a goddamn eternity. Not good at all. It's also not good that this song is not giving me that much material.

 

Well, there's this:

 

When I met you in the summer

To my heartbeat sound

We fell in love

As the leaves turned brown

 

If you're going to call your song "Summer", could you do some rudimentary research as to what leaves do in the summer? Better luck next time, I guess. I mean for me, not for you. I hope there never is a next time for you.

 

Spoiler

4. "Stay With Me" - Sam Smith

 

 

Oh boy, did my patience ever wear thin on Sam Smith. I guess the guy's got a good voice, but I am just so sick of this goddamn song. I mean, you've got the smooth, sultry voice with the slow, calming beats. But this song's just about some guy whining for more sex after a one night stand! Like, it would be childish if it weren't so perverted. It's gross, poorly thought out, and just a very strange, off-putting song. Honestly, what is with the church organ and gospel singers?

 

The only way this song could work is if it was just a big fat joke. But Smith's follow-up leads me to believe that none of this is tongue-in-cheek. Therefore, "Stay With Me" needs to go away. Clumsy as hell and just kind of sloggy and depressing for no reason at all.

 

Spoiler

...Okay, I really wanted to leave Chris Brown off my list, because every year his stupid face shows up on the year-end chart, it shows up on my list as well. I was tired of being predictable. I wanted something different.

 

And I thought I was going to get my wish! "Loyal", while atrociously offensive lyrically, had a pretty good beat which is more than I can say for my Bottom 10, so it was spared. And "New Flame" is... dare I say it? A good Chris Brown song.

 

Yeah, in 2014, I honestly found myself enjoying a Chris Brown song. You won't see it in my Top 10 or anything like that, let's not get crazy here. but it was a refreshing change from awful douchebaggy lyrics and unlikable vocals. I thought I was home free on this one! No more Chris Brown rants! No more!

 

...

 

3. "Show Me" - Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown

 

 

Mami you remind me of something

But I don't know what it is

Cause you remind me of something

Girl, you gotta show me

You remind me of something

But I don't know what it is right now

Cause you remind me of something

Girl, you gotta show me

 

I have heard bad pickup lines in music. I have heard disgusting pickup lines in music. I have heard downright threatening pickup lines in music. But... I have never heard the anti-pickup line in music before.

 

That is the only way I can describe these lines. This is literally not even trying. What... standards-deviant, daddy-issued female gerbil would fall for this garbage? More importantly, what female would fall for this garbage from CHRIS BROWN? Don't... please don't answer that.

 

And if this were the only problem with this song... no, I'm sorry, this is a big problem! This is the damned CHORUS! You have got to try harder! But anyway, there's also Kid Ink's uninspired vocals, Chris Brown's horribly autotune-masked vocals, and DJ Mustard's lame remix of "Show Me Love". The three stooges of rap and R&B. Worst R&B song of 2014.

 

Spoiler

OH. WAIT. THERE. WAS. THIS.

 

2. "Trumpets" - Jason Derulo

 

 

This was by far the hardest year for me to ignore the one they call Derulo. His songs just kept getting worse and worse this year, until we came to this one, which I can definitively call Derulo's worst song.

 

I've explained this before, so I'll keep it fairly brief. But here's my stance on Derulo: Objectifying, stupid songs are part of his repertoire, and I've come to expect them from him. But an objectifying, stupid love song is where I irrevocably draw the line. It is astonishing how utterly incompetent Jason Derulo is at singing and writing romance.

 

Is it weird that your eyes

Remind me of a Coldplay song?

 

Well, that depends. Are her eyes A SKYYYY, A SKYYYY FUUULL OF STAAARS?

 

Every time I listen to this song, I find something else wrong with it. Here's my latest discovery: not only does he resort to the "is it weird that your _____ reminds me of a ______ song" formula four times, he actually uses the awful Katy Perry one twice!

 

Am I being Punk'd by Jason Derulo? There's no way that he could listen to this song and think, "Yeah. This is something that people will respect." I think people respect this song about as much as Derulo respects this girl he's with.

 

Every time that you get undressed

I hear symphonies in my head

I wrote this song just looking at you oh, oh

 

"I wrote this song just looking at you"... I... I can't even begin to get angry over this again. So, "Trumpets". Awful song. Remarkably bad Derulo song. One of the worst I've ever heard.

 

...Second worst of 2014.

 

Allow me to explain.

 

Spoiler

 

Okay, let's talk about something called passion.

 

Passion is what makes naturally good things better, and it is what makes blank slates good. Passion is what people pay attention to. It's what people remember about classic songs. "Bohemian Rhapsody". Passion. "What'd I Say". Passion. "Never Gonna Give You Up". Say what you will, that guy really would never give you up!

 

Passion is also what has been sorely lacking from most of these ten songs, and essentially, why they are not good. I don't believe any emotion the songs try to convey, if they're trying at all.

 

So anyway, for my number 1 pick, I had to pick something that was more distanced from any authentic emotion, and more deep in the ditches of commercial sludge than Jason Derulo's "Trumpets". This song is absolutely, positively, worthless.

 

 

1. "Animals" - Maroon 5

 

 

This is not music. This is just not music.

 

I'm going to try and justify this song's existence. Well... not really justify. Moreso offer an explanation to keep me sane. I think that Adam Levine at some point got so wrapped up in what makes a song a hit that he eventually just forgot what emotion was. And this in turn translates to some muddled, stalkerish, boring, clusterfucked, inane piece of trash song called "Animals", released because this is what Adam Levine thought humans actually believed was sexy. And... I don't know, I guess some people do? It was a hit, after all.

 

This is just the most bizarre detachment from emotion that I've ever seen. It's less sexy than "Trumpets", for Christ's sake. A lot of people hate this song because it promotes stalker behaviour. (Or at least, some people did. Did everyone just quietly forgive Adam Levine, because I don't hear anything about that anymore.) But I hate this song because I don't think it promotes stalker behaviour. If it did, maybe I could have a clue as to why the hell this song exists. As is, the only thing it promotes as that Adam Levine wipes his ass with hundreds because he can release anything he wants!

 

This video upon rewatch is hilarious, but I cannot use it to forgive this utterly valueless waste of recording material. "Animals": The worst song of 2014.

[Sweat]

I love how there are 2 songs named 'Animals' on the year-end of 2014, one that I love and think is a very unique techno song, and then another that's so bad that I deeply regret not putting it on my bottom 11 songs of 2014.

[Steel Sponge]

Spoiler

-IMO, "Best Day of My Life" was more Imagine Dragons than Owl City, which is the thing that irks me about the song itself.

-I don't know if I should regret putting "Burnin' it Down" as my #11, but I couldn't agree more with your thoughts.

-Considering my hate/semi-like relationship with Calvin Harris, I could have had "Summer" somewhere on my worst, but eh....

-Funny how we have both "Trumpets" and "Animals" on the list, but the ranks being vice versa.

[CyanideFishbone]

(Keeping the titles and stuff in spoiler tags for those who don't want to look at it yet)

 

Here's something I won't have in spoilers though, my honorable mentions for what could've made the best of the best:

 

Let it Go / Idina Menzel

 

Looks like everyone was sick of this song, except for me, ha! This is not on the Top 10 because I wouldn't consider this worthy of being there. It was popular, not in a way I would call this a "pop song."

 

Not a Bad Thing / Justin Timberlake

 

It lives up to its title. This song is not a bad thing at all and this is at the honorable mentions spot....because I just like it so much more than all the other songs I have at the middle of the road.

 

The Man / Aloe Blacc

 

I've become a sucker for this song. I think of it as one from the assortment of songs I find pretty entertaining. It has a catchy chorus, he's got the voice, I can actually feel for this one.

 

Sweater Weather / The Neighborhood

 

I love almost everything about this song and it would have been perfect to be on the list if it was for last year. Instead, its pushed to the honorable mentions tier, with....

 

The Monster / Eminem featuring Rihanna

 

If I have to give a highlight to one of the biggest rap hits of 2014, this one is the best for me. I can't say much praise for this song, so I can just say that Eminem made the year in rap history. (Oh okay, and Kendrick Lamar too with "i.")

 

Counting Stars / OneRepublic

 

They entertained me. I'd never imagined the time where OneRepublic would sound as interesting. I love the rhythm, chorus, the production, and so forth, a breath of fresh air from those guys that I will certainly live through.

 

Happy / Pharrell Williams

 

Of course the #1 song is really good as well. Gives me the funky feeling.

 

Pompeii / Bastille

 

My official #11, and don't worry, my list isn't heavily bombarded with rock hits such as this one. Yet it's a really unique "rock" number to become a Top 5 hit. While I like the random monks giving out the hook and the catchy chorus, it has its delusional quirks. ("How am I going to be an optimist about this?")

 

 

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2014 (by Steel Sponge)

 

 

Spoiler

10. Leave the Night On / Sam Hunt

 

 

Well, this is embarrassing. I don't think anyone is going to agree with me for this pick. Call this a guilty pleasure for me, if you will. Of all country songs, I think of this as the biggest highlight of 2014 in the world where the industry is one ridiculous sausagefest. My thoughts are varied on whether or Sam Hunt is a "bro," but if this really is a bro song, I ought to say that sets an example of one that I can really tolerate....and especially consider it memorable. I like it because it feels different for me and I feel it being subtle for country partying song. Heck, for a partying song, we got girls put into mention, but less than more. There's no alcohol, drinks, beer, whiskey, vodka, or whatever, no trucks - and that's not even a truck in the music video! It's rather a bro song, but one that relies on fun and fair lyrical structure, even if some of them are a bit low quality....

 

Baby, I know what you're wishin' for

I'm wishin' for it too

 

I'd take that as a little example.

 

We'll be rolling down the windows, I bet you we're catchin' our second wind

 

I guess I can give Hunt credit for making "rolling down the windows" sound less mundane.

 

The sky is dropping Jupiter around us like some old train

 

Subtle reference or not, at least that line wasn't as mind-numbing as Pat Monahan's (not jjs obvi) usual wordplay.

 

 

Spoiler

9. Habits (Stay High) / Tove Lo

 

 

Of course, I also have a soft spot for "Habits (Stay High)." It's impressive to learn about how much Tove Lo goes through in the supply of drugs and alcohol in order to "stay high." And she makes sure of that....because of a break-up. Nothing more. ....I'm fine with this, really. It's because of the unusual storytelling to bring in depth of some of her miserable settings for one moment:

 

I get home, I got the munchies

Binge on all my Twinkies

Throw up in the tub

Then I go to sleep

And I drank up all my money

Dazed and kinda lonely

 

Yeesh. One thing I'd like to note is the distinctive honesty behind the song's meaning, if I were to give another point to why I have this on my list. What else you guys may ask? Well, I can see myself getting into the chorus and the unique beat. My main point is that I can understand few of its flaws, but I still enjoy this.

 

 

Spoiler

8. Royals / Lorde

 

 

Yeah, I'm cheating again, just like with putting "Blurred Lines" in my top worst countdown. This is just really good, it was nice for this to stay hanging around, and there's no denying how talented Lorde is. Now that I'm getting around to expressing my thoughts on this....song, here's why I like it: it's clever. The lyrics are outstanding. They are creative enough and well put-in compared to....you know. For example...

 

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh

I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies

 

But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom

Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,

We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.

 

Then there's the beats and vocal work, spectacular. The snap claps, the general beat buzzing in my ears. Lorde doesn't fail with how she works around with her voice and modifies it for some key moments; harmonic at best.

 

 

Spoiler

7. Love Runs Out / OneRepublic

 

 

You know something's really up when I have a OneRepublic song my list and that I find a OneRepublic song really, and I mean really fun to listen to. As you can see, some of my picks are usually based on some of the songs I would get into the mood of going back to listen to again, and this what "Love Runs Out" does for me. It's entertaining, infectious, and worthy of a rerun in my opinion, pretty explanatory. Love feels good, and it will keep feeling good until it stops or "runs out", if I have interpreted that correctly, then I can appreciate that song's little bits of substance, if not enough. Alright, next song is a doozy....

 

 

Spoiler

6. Come With Me Now / KONGOS

 

 

How would I ignore putting this on my list? It rocks really hard. Killer accordion solo, sick drum beats, chilling chorus line, intense verses, I love just about everything about it. It's good, too good. A rare kind of good. The biggest compliment I'd give is the blend of musical styles and how it works so well. Goodness, I adore this song so much that I just have to keep this short and simple...but my guilty conscience says that I like the Top 5 more than this....

 

 

Spoiler

5. Do What U Want / Lady Gaga featuring R. Kelly

 

 

While Christina Aguilera struggles, Lady Gaga still thrives and doesn't fail to impress. Where do I begin here? The beginning already sells with its attention grabbing and sick opening beat. R. Kelly being here feels kinda iffy, but I don't seem to mind much. What matters is that they both sound good here, most notably Lady Gaga's vocals.

 

You can't have my heart

And you won't use my mind but

Do what you want with my body

 

Makes good enough sense, I'd say, but maybe moreso with R. Kelly out of the way (once again). Bottom line? It's just a really fun song and filled with enough soul to keep me thrilled. I bet Ed Sheeran's still got some work to do if he were to try and bring me into his music....

 

Don't fuck with my love

 

What?

 

 

Spoiler

4. Don't / Ed Sheeran

 

 

Don't fuck with my love

That heart is so cold

All over my home

 

Should I surprised by this? He did Sing to coincide with this, but congrats to Ed Sheeran for making an exceptionally good song. To sum up my thoughts on this perfectly, it's extremely catchy as heck. That's not all though, aside from sounding entertaining, it's packed with some interesting lyrics.

 

A week later returned

I reckon she was only looking for a lover to burn

But I gave her my time for two or three nights

Then I put it on pause 'til the moment was right

 

We drink away the days with a take-away pizza

Before a text message was the only way to reach her

Now she's staying at my place and loves the way I treat her

Singing out Aretha

 

Just the best tune I've ever from Ed Sheeran and the best structure I've seen him build for such a song. Like I said before and to add up my verdict, really catchy, it's got a funky vibe, really good piano beats, another winner from the hits of 2014.

 

 

Spoiler

3. Rather Be / Clean Bandit featuring Jess Glynne

 

 

One of the most beautifully crafted songs right here. The music video even helps with the craftiness. Though, I can't say I have much to talk about so this might go around short. It's got an upbeat tune, which provides an even better sound for the chorus, it has an impressive love tale in place for the song' s meaning, how they manage it....I can just tell how good this song is through the effort they've made, it's impossible for me to hate on this.

 

 

Spoiler

2. Ain't It Fun / Paramore

 

 

Man, is Butters not going to be happy to see this song being this high on my list (just an assumption). I can't really understand how people would hate on this song (even when seeing this make ADoseOfBuckley's list), but if you guys are wandering why I'm ranking this song at #2, think about it. This is much more worth listening to because of the usual theme of "fun." In comparison, I dislike a variety of songs on the year-end charts based on how boring they were. "Adore You," "Don't Tell Em," "Hold On, We're Going Home," "Hey Brother," "Na Na," "I Don't Dance," you name it. Additionally, I'd know how good this song is if they would have the ability to blend an abandoned sound as new jack swing" for the rest of the song's sound. It's funky, bubblegum sounding pop, it downright rocks, and gives me more respect for Paramore. Sure some of the lyrics are weak, but ain't it fun living in the real world? I'd say so and how good enough it is be in that setting, so don't don't crying to your mama.

 

 

Spoiler

1. Chandelier / Sia

 

 

Now this is the big one right here. My biggest highlight of 2014 is "Chandelier." How good is it? Before catching up, this seemed like the first song off of 2014's brand of music that I really REALLY got into. For a beat that channels Lorde, it has a really good sound. With a voice that comes off similar as Rihanna, Sia takes it to a new level when she raises it up. I also can't forget to mention the material for this song. To me, it's a really subtle song about drinking and its quality goes on par with "Swimming Pools." (Yet another shout-out to Kendrick Lamar) Overall, it's got a dark meaning, it gives me the feeling to dance around like the girl in the music video, it's chilling, it's got pretty good lyrical content....

 

Party girls don't get hurt

Can't feel anything, when will I learn?

 

I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist

Like it doesn't exist

I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night,

feel my tears as they dry

 

Yeah, so much praise I can give. I've thought about this being my all-time favorite hit song of 2014 and stuck with it. I just highly recommend this.

 

 

Let me know if you guys want to hear my thoughts on any of the other songs that did not get a mention and/or did not appear on either list.

It's aight. XD

[Wumbo]

All right, Halibut did it. Steel did it. And I'm gonna do it too. To contrast the truly terrible songs of 2014, here are the excellent standouts this year had to offer on Billboard. Meet the shining stars of this year with...

 

Wumbo's Top 10 Songs of 2014

 

Spoiler

10. "The Man" - Aloe Blacc

 

 

Well you can tell everybody, yeah you can tell everybody, go ahead and tell everybody, that I had a huuuge turnaround on this song. In the short era of neo-soul revival that we had on the charts, this calm, smooth track is just what we needed to offset the bouncing melody of "Happy", but more on that song later (oh come on, you all knew it was happening). I used to look at it as rather boring and the lyrics as kinda trite, but listening to it again, Blacc sells it. His voice just sounds so confident and sure of himself, which is exactly what this uplifting song needs. And it's definitely the kind of song Aloe Blacc needed to break out of Avicii's shadow and become his own artist. A shame he didn't have another hit this year, but I hope this isn't the last we hear of this guy. He's the man!

 

Spoiler

9. "Bailando" - Enrique Iglesias ft. Descemer Bueno & Gente de Zona

 

 

The extent to which I understand Spanish is Dora the Explorer and Breaking Bad clips. But I don't need to understand Spanish to understand the message of this song. In fact, I'm going to look it up in English and see if I'm right:

 

With your physics and your chemistry and your anatomy

Beer and tequila and your mouth with mine

And I can't take it any more

 

Gee, I think I'm the reincarnation of Nostradamus.

 

But let me tell you, with Jason Derulo having three hits this year, I was damn grateful for an Enrique Iglesias hit that wasn't sleazy. Indeed, this song is catchy, fun, and almost makes me forget about the cardinal sin on music Enrique committed with "Tonight (I'm Fucking You)". Almost. Anyway, my point is you can make a sex song and have me like it. I'm no prude. But make it fun, not overly sleazy or gross. This is what happens here. You can't help but have fun with these guys having fun with girls. Dance, dance, dance!

 

Spoiler

8. "Ain't it Fun" - Paramore

 

 

I've always kind of had a thing for Paramore. They're a pretty easy target to... well, target when you're looking at angsty dreary rock. Something I honestly don't necessarily see as a bad thing. But anyway, even if you are one of those people who can't stand something like "Decode", Paramore know how to make upbeat, catchy songs too.

 

While I hated the random gospel singing in Sam Smith's song, for some reason it doesn't bother me at all here, even though it's even less necessary and even more out of place. I guess the rest of the song really makes up for it. I love how sarcastic it is in its cheerful tone with its bring-down message. And if you don't agree with my pick, well, there's no use crying to your mama. It's the real world!

 

Spoiler

7. "Habits (Stay High)" - Tove Lo

 

 

Yeah, add me to the chorus of approbation for this song. Loved it from the first moment I heard it. You hear so many songs glorifying the hard party life, using drugs and drinking. But this song does something different with it. Not only does it provide a reason for getting high other than partying hard, it takes the concept on a whole new, depressing angle. See, she doesn't want to get high. She has to. It's not even really a song that goes too far in the opposite direction. This isn't a "don't do drugs" song, and it's not a "do drugs" song either. It's simply a narrative that shows a third side of the matter that falls somewhere in the middle. Really worth taking notice of this year.

 

Spoiler

6. "Happy" - Pharrell Williams

 

 

Now here's a song that I thought I would eventually get sick of. And for a while, I did. Craving more sarcastic songs like "Ain't it Fun" and more introspective songs like "Habits". But it turns out that all I really want from a song is to be happy. Okay, well that's not entirely true. After all, there are five songs I liked more than this one. But... God damn, Pharrell is happy. And when he's happy, you just have to be happy along with him. Just like everyone in the video.

 

If there has to be a song with dopey lyrics in the #1 slot for the year, I'm glad it's "Happy". Because it could just as easily have been an irritating Derulo song. (Seriously, three hits, has that happened since 2010?) Instead, we got possibly the most uplifting song in a long time. Pure bliss, and sometimes there's nothing wrong with that.

 

Spoiler

Late 2013 me: So what's the big deal about Lorde, anyway? That "Royals" song is nothing special. She's gonna have to release a really great, really impressive, supremely pretentious song to get me hyped!

 

...paraphrasing.

 

5. "Team" - Lorde

 

 

God, amid all the boredom of early 2014, it was nice to have something that just went balls-out in pretentiousness. The difference between this and bad pretentiousness is Lorde has talent and it shows here. Her voice is what makes this talent work. Amid the cool, calm production, Lorde comes through like a sweet songbird, making for a very nice-sounding song. Not sure how long she's going to continue her "rebelling against popular things in pop songs" shtick, but I tell ya, I like it a hell of a lot better here than in "Royals. So there.

 

Spoiler

4. "Rather Be" - Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne

 

 

I don't think this song is perfect. Not at all. I think it fills empty spaces in the track with unnecessary instruments, and it is a bit of a pervasive problem after awhile. But looking past that, this is just a well put together pop song. It's almost like if Sara Bareilles was bearable. Jess Glynne's voice is great, and when they let the track breathe, the instrumentation is wonderful. This is the kind of pop song that adult alternative stations crave. The kind of song that grabs you in again and again, but it's also so well done that you don't even mind. Little tweaks here and there could make it technically better, but as it stands it's the most flawed song that I'm proud to put on my list.

 

Spoiler

OH WAIT THERE WAS... yeah, I've run this joke into the ground.

 

3. "Bang Bang" - Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj

 

 

Okay... why do I like this song so much? Because it could easily be on someone's worst list. It's annoying. It doesn't make sense. (Jessie J is the good girl? Ariana Grande is the bad girl?? What's Nicki Minaj doing there???) It's trite.

 

Okay, but let's go back to what I went on about before I revealed the Maroon 5 song: Passion. But more than that: personality. What this song has is a personality, nay, three personalities. Despite all its faults, this makes for a very interesting track.

 

In addition to that, it delivers its title. This song's definitely a bang bang banger, never letting up on the overdrive of fast-paced, hard-hitting beats. It was a very lively song, and one I won't soon forget. So, show me what your mamas gave, ladies!

 

 

Spoiler

2. "Problem" - Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea

 

 

The year of Ariana, it truly was. After a sleeper hit in 2013 with "The Way" and subsequent great songs off the same album, she became even bigger in 2014. Case in point: Not even Iggy Azalea can ruin this banger. I honestly don't think she's too bad in this song, but she's still the worst part. But the harmonies, Big Sean, whispering, Ariana's powerhouse vocals, that god damn SAX. What more can you ask for? Without a doubt, the best hit song of 2014!

 

...or it would be, if something didn't come up.

 

Spoiler

When I made this list, for the longest time I was sure that "Problem" would be my #1 hit. Nothing seemed to top it. I was disappointed, to say the least. I mean, "Problem" is a great song, and it's more than worthy of the #1 spot. But it's way too predictable. I wished there was something I liked more. But up until the very end, I chose to accept the fate.

 

Well, there's a reason why I rank all 100 songs of the chart. It's not always prevalent; usually the last twenty songs or so end up somewhere in the middle, which seems about right. Not important or awful enough to be noticed. But this time around, I knew that my list just wouldn't be complete without going through every single song, and I'm happy I went all the way. This song was #97 on the year-end chart, but it is my favourite hit song of 2014.

 

1. "0 to 100/The Catch Up" - Drake

 

When I heard this song for the first time, my jaw dropped. Why the hell does Drake not release songs like this more often? This is phenomenal.

 

This is what "Started from the Bottom" should have been, all the way. Talk about night and day.

 

Since my dad used to tell me he was comin' to the house to get me

He ain't show

Valuable lesson, man I had to grow up

That's why I never ask for help

I'll do it for you niggas and do it for myself

 

Has Drake ever been more introspective and revealing in any of his hit songs more than that one set of lyrics? Now I finally understand where Drake's coming from. This song can erase all the badness of "Started from the Bottom" just like that.

 

And it's so beautifully composed. The beat starts out sounding hard and dark, and Drake flashes his ego as well as reveal tough details about his life. Then "The Catch Up" slows down and it's even better than the first part, with a dreamlike beat and Drake getting even more introspective.

 

Imagine how I feel to watch another nigga at the top

You know that if it wasn't you, you would be dissin' you, dawg

Damn, okay, from that perspective

I can see what you're talkin' 'bout, no way to soften it

Cause me, I was tryna find out where I lost 'em at

 

This is the song I've been waiting for Drake to create ever since he made it big. This song not only is Drake's best I've ever heard, it justifies all his bad songs. I am totally on Team Drake after this now. That's how good this song is. 0 to 100 is right.

[Sweat]

So, apparently Ain't it Fun is loved by most SBC music enthusiasts

[Clappy]

So decided to re-arrange my order of how I'm going to reveal my lists.  After seeing everyone else posting their lists...and doing my best to avoid reading them, I just had to share my thoughts on what was probably one of the worst years of Billboard charts I can recall in recent memory.

 

Now before I get started, I just want to point out while I sat here in front of my computer screen compiling my Bottom 10 songs of this very lackluster year that this list was formed not at which songs gave me the best material to make jokes about.  No, this list consists the ten songs that I hated the most this year.  These are the ten songs I want to GO AWAY.  Like I am sick of hearing them and hearing about them.  These songs can just get the hell off my radio.  So without further ado, here is a grand FUCK YOU to:

 

 

Clappy’s Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014

 

 

 

….but not without revealing a couple songs that just missed out on my Bottom 10

“Talk Dirty” – Jason DeRulo (featuring 2 Chainz)

 

Better plot twist than that Sons of Anarchy finale.  Yeah, so much for a Bottom 10 consisting of every Jason DeRulo song this year.  But why did I save this song from such a wonderful honor?  Well if you guys are willing to look past the blatant racism, the shitty lyrics, the laughably bad 2 Chainz guest verse, and of course, Jason DeRulo, you hear the best production work from any Jason DeRulo song ever.  That was the one thing I defended about this back when I first reviewed it and honestly, that production work keeps getting better every time I hear it.  It’s just a shame that it’s wasted on such a shitty song though.

 

“Anaconda” – Nicki Minaj

 

Another song that I’ve lightened up on since my review.  Not nearly as much as Talk Dirty because this song still proves that Nicki Minaj is the biggest waste of potential on pop radio today.  I hate everything about this, but I can at least say that I like Nicki better when she’s rapping far more than when she tries to be a crossover pop artist.  But god this is the laziest sampling I’ve ever heard.  Nicki taking Baby Got Back for the ladies is just absolute bullshit.

 

“23” – Mike Will Made It (featuring Miley Cyrus, Juicy J, and Wiz Khalifa)

 

LMAO, I completely forgot this song’s existence until I saw the year end chart.  God I remember earlier this year I was telling myself that I was going to save a spot for this on my Bottom 10 this year.  What a difference a year makes.  This is still really bad because I can’t stand Miley’s rapping as much as the next guy.  But I can find myself defending this for being such an amusingly stupid song about Miley smoking weed and rocking her new Jordans.

 

Oh and even though I don’t have it as a honorable mention, Adore You is boring as fuck and the fact that it just made it into the year end list as number 100 just goes to show how desperate Billboard was to list songs as “hits” this year.  And just like Wrecking Ball before it, the song means nothing.  The music video is just Miley touching herself and there is nothing else worth noting about it.  Period.

 

“All of Me” – John Legend

 

Oh man, how sick I am of this.  The only reason this is saved from being in my Bottom 10 is because I do believe that there is some sincerity in this boringly bad song.  I mean John Legend is far more capable of writing music so much more compelling than this.  Otherwise, this is one of the prime examples as to how bad 2014 was where boring dreck like this never went away from the top of the charts and just cemented itself near the top for endless amounts of months because of how much the public was being lacked of good music.

 

“Say Something” – A Great Big World (featuring Christina Aguilera)

 

And speaking of boring dreck, I can’t say that I hate this as much as I did earlier this year.   Don’t get me wrong, this song has absolutely no reason for getting as popular as it did and Christina Aguilera keeps proving that she will more than likely never have another hit by herself ever again, but after listening to more of A Great Big World’s other songs, I can find myself defending them for not being the complete waste of time I considered them to be earlier this year.  Seriously, go check the rest of their album out.  Not bad.

 

“Lifestyle” – Rich Gang/”My Hitta” - YG/”Studio” – ScHoolboy Q

 

I grouped all three of these songs together for a reason.  The fact that all three of these were some of the biggest rap hits this year really goes to show how awful rap music was for a majority of 2014.  Lifestyle I can’t take seriously because of how horrible the chorus is (and that one rapper that sounds like DoodleBob), My Hitta I am still convinced had to be written on some sort of dare for seeing if they can get away with repeating the “n word” and make it a hit song, while Studio…well that one verse where he speaks in complete gibberish entendre about eating a girl out pretty much sums up this song in a nutshell.

 

“Dark Horse” – Katy Perry (featuring Juicy J)

 

God I really hope Katy Perry rebounds with her next album (whenever that may be) because every radio single off Prism has been absolute shit.  I’ve lightened up on Dark Horse a tad bit because I can at least listen to it without rolling my eyes any more, but this song is just absolutely lifeless.  I at least remember a time where Katy Perry’s nonsensical songs were enjoyable.  Oh and speaking of nonsensical, even though I don’t have Birthday on here, the music video for Birthday should justify that song’s reason for being on here too.  The song is more boring than bad, but dear god Birthday’s music video is amazingly bad.

 

“Bang Bang” – Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj

 

Still hate this one month later.  Have absolutely nothing new to add to the table in terms of this now.

 

EDIT: Actually I take that back after seeing Wumbo’s best list.  Please elaborate on passion and personality when the lead artist of this song Jessie J has absolutely no personality whatsoever.  You’ve heard her other music.  She is whatever you want her to be.  That’s not personality.  That’s just not having anything distinctive about you as an artist.  Period….but I will give you this.  The production is the only redeemable part of the track for me, but otherwise, this song is just annoying noise. 

 

“Summer” – Calvin Harris

 

Looks like the EDM crossover hits are starting to run dry.  Hell even Coldplay tried to cash in on the EDM fad to mixed results.  Hopefully other DJs and producers can step up and provide better quality radio singles than Calvin Harris.  I don’t hate EDM as much as I come off as.  I just seem to hate the stuff that becomes popular.  Even coming up with positive things to say about Calvin Harris is hard to do because the guy has just become so boring to talk about.

 

Now onto the rest of this list without further delaying of the inevitable:

 

#10

 

*looks at Year End list*

 

Well turns out I was wrong.  Jason DeRulo didn’t have the most hits this year after all.  Congratulations are in order to Ariana Grande.  If any artist who has been bubbling under the radar for the past few years now deserved to be a breakout star, it was her.  I had The Way on my Top 10 of 2013 list last year and I probably would have had more Ariana on that list if Baby, I or the even better Right There made it big.  She just demands your attention with that powerhouse voice of hers and all the Mariah Carey comparisons ring true.  If she keeps her nose clean I can see a big future for her.  Now with all my praise out of the way, I do have to admit that she is far from perfect.  She is still a work in progress.  Because while I liked every single she released last year, this year did expose me that she does have some very noticeable quirks that really need to be worked on….

 

10. “Break Free” – Ariana Grande (featuring Zedd)

 

Spoiler

 

Disappointment of the year.  I know there are songs on my honorable mentions list that should be considered more deserving of being on here….and you may be right.  But none of them are the colossal clusterfuck that was Break Free.  I’ve gone off tangent many times this year about how Ariana Grande shouldn’t be over sexualizing herself in her music because she can’t pull off the bad girl image at all.  It’s not because she isn’t attractive.  She is a very beautiful girl.  I just think that she is singing about subject matters that are far over her head.

 

That’s not Break Free’s only fault though.  It’s that Ariana Grande can’t annunciate herself over that blaring loud Zedd production that doesn’t need to be as over the top as it turns out.  But when you do hear Grande’s voice, you hear her slur her words to Elmer Fudd levels of annoyance because whenever I hear:

 

This is.  The part where I break free.

 

What I hear is:

 

Thisis.  The part wear I bweak fwee.

 

I mean even on the Ariana songs that I liked this year, her annunciation was nowhere near as off-putting as it is here.  Oh and god, she oversings the fuck out of so many parts on this that I can’t even begin to process what the hell she is talking about.  It also doesn’t help that Max Martin’s lyrics that need to be heavily ran through spell check.  I don’t care if it’s intentional, it’s not clever nor good by any means.

 

Ugh I just really hate this.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I know Ariana is better than this and that Zedd’s production work is better than this, it would be much higher.  But god I just know that both are far more capable of being better than this.

 

#9

 

I would like to roll on back to something I briefly touched upon on my honorable mentions list.  I feel like we’ll look back at 2014 in the record books as the year pop music got bored of being pop music.  We had the same songs clutching their grasps into the same spots on the Billboard Hot 100 for weeks and at certain points, months.  Whenever there was any sort of shake up, I gladly rejoiced.  I say this as a fan of pop music, not just someone who bitches about it.  No one likes overplay, otherwise we get irritated easily at the stupid stuff like this after the 1000000000000^th time:

 

9. “Rude” – MAGIC!

 

Spoiler

 

You know, I was planning to have this really high on my Bottom 10 list, but something amazing happened to this song in particular as summer turned to fall.  Just like magic, this song disappeared.  I mean I know I haven’t heard it in months, how about you people?  Yeah, I’m starting to sense that everyone got sick of this and regretted making this song the massive hit that it became.  Buyer’s remorse as you may even though this still ended up as the sixth biggest song of 2014.  That still doesn’t excuse the fact that this song is still as awful now as it was over the summer.

 

I don’t think in my review of this I emphasized how awful the video was.  Like the lyrics were already telling a pretty terrible story, but Nasri Atweh comes off even whinier in person than he does in his lyrics.  God I really just want to punch that guy in the face every time he wallows in self-pity over how “rude” the father.  Well let me tell you this sir.  You give off an awful case as to why the father is rude when you are displaying absolutely no emotion whatsoever except whimpering and wanting to tell the old man to fuck off.  Plus what about the girl in this song?  Does her input even matter?  I mean we clearly get no description about her at all except that Nasri wants to have her for the rest of his life.

 

Nothing about this song works.  At all.  It’s just an absolute annoyance that all parties are probably already regretting.  Please excuse me I don’t mean to be rude, but this song fucking sucks.

 

#8

 

I swear to you guys I don’t hate this woman.

 

Despite EVERYTHING I’ve ever said about her when it comes to the music she makes.

 

As a matter of fact, I find this woman quite the formidable powerhouse in the entertainment industry and is capable of making great music.  She deserves all the fame that she has gotten and she deserves to be recognized as one of the biggest names in pop music history.

 

But shit like this I don’t like.

 

8. “Drunk In Love” – Beyonce (featuring Jay-Z)

 

Spoiler

 

I mean what the actual fuck is this?  You know that one moment in SBC’s favorite film The Room where Tommy Wiseau awkwardly asks his friend Mark how his sex life is? 

 

 

Yeah this is just as awkward of a transition because do we honestly need to know every single sex position Beyonce and Jay-Z get down and dirty in?

 

I know I’ve written a review of this already, but why the fuck did this get so popular?  This is just unbearable double entendre after unbearable double entendre.  The one double entendre that I even admitted to being clever about surfboard REALLY outwore its welcome the more times I listened to it.  I questioned Beyonce’s rapping ability earlier this year, but to my surprise, Beyonce proved me wrong later in the year with Partition and Flawless that she is not as terrible at rapping as I thought she was.  So that makes her rapping on this even more disappointing.

 

Oh and don’t even get me started on Jay-Z.  What the hell has happened to him?  Has he run out of good rhyme schemes?  I mean I know he’s been doing this for nearly twenty years now, but the past two years have been noticeable to me that Jay’s quality is not up to his usual standards.  Sure his guest verse on Suit & Tie was great and I loved his guest spot on the Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe remix, but his last album was a huge disappointment and I can honestly tell you that his guest spot on here is just terrible highlighted by the worst Tina Turner/Bobby Brown reference imaginable.  Jay, I’m pretty sure your highlighted incident with Solange Knowles, proved that you would never strike a woman physically.

 

 

#7

 

If there was one subgenre that I got sick of incredibly quick this year you can look at bro-country.  Holy shit is this genre by far the stupidest fad country music has ever gone through.  Like some of these songs are just inexplicably awful that if I could, I would compile a worst list full of these…but alas, I was spared of having to see “That’s My Kind of Night”, “Donkey”, or “Drink To That All Night” on the year end list just to name a few prime examples…but that’s not to say we still got a fair share of bro-country songs on the year end list…but which one of these to choose?

 

Bottoms Up?  I find this to be far more interestingly terrible than making me twitch at it’s amusing stupidity.

 

Burnin’ It Down?  Ooohhhh that’s a compelling choice because it’s not even a country song.  Not only does it try to disguise itself as an Usher song, it has my always overused “fire metaphors” that I am sick of….I guess you can consider this one of my honorable mentions for the worst list because I don’t consider it as bad as my Bottom 10 list.  Because if you want to make this list, you have to go the extra mile and not have any redeeming qualities whatsoever.  And what better choice than the faces of bro country themselves.

 

7. “This Is How We Roll” – Florida Georgia Line (featuring Luke Bryan)

 

Spoiler

 

Yes that long anticipated Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan collaboration that nobody was asking for is the worst country song I’ve heard this year…and probably in quite a while.  Because what better way to prove how stupid this subgenre is than to have a party song this boring by the godfathers of bro-country.  I mean can anybody tell me if these guys are even having that fun?  For a song about showing how “we roll”, they don’t even sound like they are having a good time.  I mean they go over the same checklist that rappers do in their party songs:

 

-Music?  Well I would never have Hank Williams and Drake in the same mixtape….but check.

-Alcohol?  Check.

-Pimped out rides…..err I mean jacked up trucks?  Check.

-Mentioning they are the party?  Check.

 

Like this has the same setup as any party song, but this is dreary enough to make Miley Cyrus’s party in We Can’t Stop sound like the party anthem of the year.  I mean I get  that this is how you roll, but at least make the production roll along with it instead of being just the strumming of a banjo.  And my god, I never want to hear either Florida or Georgia (do their actual names really matter, let’s be honest) rap ever again.  Their lyric choices are beyond abysmal.  Oh and featuring Luke Bryan?  Does Luke Bryan even have that lasting of an impact because it’s that unmemorable?  He sure doesn’t….maybe that’s why they released that even shittier remix with Jason DeRulo….I’m not even going to begin to acknowledge the existence of that after this.  One version of this dreck is already enough.

 

 

#6

 

 

I don’t know why but I just can’t justify myself to hate Animals like nearly every other music critic or PETA or SBC user or the general public or whoever else seems to define this song as controversial.  It’s not Blurred Lines bad in terms of public relations, but just like Blurred Lines, I can’t seem to fully hate a song this stupid...especially when there are other songs out that deserve to be put to shame (hint: That Nick Jonas “Jealous” song is already my early frontrunner for worst hit song of 2015).  I mean the Animals music video is comedy gold.  It’s Adam Levine as Sexy Leatherface for Christ’s sake.  How can you not laugh at that?  Plus I have to give Adam Levine major props that his wife is gorgeous.  Oh and Adam Levine howling.  Probably up there for the worst two seconds of pop music this year, but at least I remember it.  But yeah, at least Animals has memorable moments to excuse them from getting any sort of loathing hatred for it….

 

6. “Maps” – Maroon 5

 

Spoiler

 

…..this on the other hand was a complete waste of my time.  I was a bit premature on awarding Bang Bang the unmemorable pop song award of 2014.  That’s how meaningless this song is.  Like I keep trying to find some sort of passion in it, but I just can’t because Adam Levine has never sounded more unmotivated.  I’ve mentioned at times critiquing past Maroon 5 songs how punchable Adam Levine is.  Every time Adam Levine willows the words “following”, it sounds like he is getting repeated jabs in the stomach.

 

I think these past couples years of Maroon 5 selling out has made me realize that when Maroon 5 lacks any sort of motivation in their music is when they are at their worst.  So for example, songs like “Daylight” and “Love Somebody” are the types of Maroon 5 songs I hate compared to “Payphone” and “Animals” which are just stupid bad nonsense.  Now I hold “Maps” as the new standard of how much Maroon 5 just don’t give a shit about making actual music anymore.  These guys are just unbearable to listen to and 2014 was by far their worst year.  But who do they care?  Adam Levine is probably jumping into his millions of dollars Scrooge McDuck style while whatever is left of Maroon 5’s fanbase just remains nostalgic for times when this man actually cared about making compelling music.

 

#5

 

The following self-promotion wore out its welcome as the year went by.  At least 1/10 of this list started with the same uninspired two second….and what were those two seconds you may ask?

 

MUSTARD

 

ON

 

THE

 

BEAT

 

HOE!

 

5. “Don’t Tell ‘Em” – Jeremih (featuring YG)

 

Spoiler

 

I already reviewed this…..I can’t listen to this again….Jeremih deserved another hit why?

 

Haven’t we learned from the mistakes that were Birthday Sex and Put It Down on Me?  Clearly we have not, but for all the shit that I’ve given Chris Brown and Jason DeRulo this year about showing any respect towards women, I clearly didn’t given enough due diligence to Jeremih in my review of this a couple months.  Want some recycled commentary?  Here it is.  This song is gross.  Jeremih is an unpleasant human being. YG is not even worth acknowledging because you could replace him with any bling and bitches rapper and no one would even care.  DJ Mustard’s production work is redundant.  I can’t ever listen to Rhythm is a Dancer by Snap! again without thinking of this atrocious sampling.  Tune in next time two or three years from now where Jeremih somehow gets another hit and I’ll have to question his existence once more.

 

 

#4

 

Hey if he’s allowed to recycle his production, why can’t I recycle my jokes?

 

MUSTARD

 

ON

 

THE

 

BEAT

 

HOE!

 

4. “Show Me” – Kid Ink (featuring Chris Brown)

 

Spoiler

 

Man I hate to toot my own horn, but when even other users on this site have proclaimed how much I hit the nail on the coffin with a song review, it makes me feel so good on the inside.  I don’t know what else I can add to this except saying that all of the compliments for that review should go straight towards this piece of shit.  It’s like in the assembly line of mediocre pop-rap songs, something happened in the process that made this particular product defective.  Whether it be Chris Brown’s unfinished pick-up lines or Kid Ink’s just blatant lacking of any sort of clue as to how the process of monogamy works, this song is just pure horseshit.

 

But I would like to take some time to point out that these three douchebags did another daftness is equivalent to getting laid anthem “Main Chick”.  Looks lightning didn’t strike twice because that was almost as awful as this one.  The redeeming quality in that was Chris Brown was at least straight to the point while Kid Ink was even worse there than he was on here….oh and of course DJ Mustard was as bland as his production usually tends to be.  So yeah, I think it’s safe to say Kid Ink will forever be stuck to one hit wonderdom with the likes of J-Kwon, Mims, and other irrelevant dumbasses who want to get drunk and laid.  Good fucking riddance.

 

 

#3

 

I’m going to rewind to just a few statements ago when I was talking about Maroon 5 and how awful their music has been the past couple years.  You know what’s worse than recent Maroon 5?  Artists inspired by recent Maroon 5.  2014 was when the uninspiring Maroon 5 carbon copies came out in full force.  I can already think of a handful of hits this year that were lacking of passion and just not well put together music.  For example:

 

Story of My Life – Good god was this the most boring One Direction song I’ve heard.  Sure they had Little Things, but that was more hilariously bad than boring.

 

Classic – I don’t know where MTKO came from, but I found this song far too cheesy to have on this list.  But god was it just not well put together.  Couldn’t they find a far more out of left field choice than including Anne Hathaway when listing off musical artists?

 

Amnesia – I don’t know whether I like or hate 5SOS but this is just way too samey soundy as Story of My Life for me to believe that this was any sort of emotionally inspiring.

 

But yeah despite my complaints, if you want to make my list, you have to go all out in terms of lacking anything motivating…

 

 

3. “Me and My Broken Heart” – Rixton

 

Spoiler

 

….like this.  Holy shit this is just so uninspiring that I feel like even Adam Levine rejected this for being too much of a waste of time.  This is One More Night 2.0.  Like it has the same waste of time feeling that I get every time I hear Maps combined with the production work and whiny it’s me you it’s you-ness of One More Night.  I mean this is just detestable.  I have never been able to get through an entire listening of this because it just sounds that unmotivating.  So for the first time ever, I’m going to listen to this entire song while writing this summary.

 

……………….

 

Ok I can’t do it.  It’s just lacking of any passion whatsoever, so why should I?

 

At least Adam Levine has personality.  This/these Rixton guy…guys….whatever many of them were involved in this just don’t even sound like they are distressed by the fact their heart is broken.  Sadly that’s the only thing I get from the lyrics.  It’s someone complaining about their broken heart.  It’s just too boring to even try to look into anything else. 

 

I mean I’m not afraid to go as far as saying that Rixton is trying way too hard to be Maroon 5 because it sure is working for them.  It’s working for them far too much that I hate them more than I’ll ever hate Maroon 5.  I doubt these guy’s will ever get another hit again, which will make them the worst kind of one hit wonder.  The wannabe artists.  This is by far the most useless song of the year….what could be worse than this?

 

#2

 

………………………………...

 

OK MY LAST TWO SONGS ARE BOTH FROM JASON DERULO.

 

God I can’t be anymore anti-climatic about how much I hate him.  The fact that he had three hits in 2014 just goes to show how much hit music this year sucked.  I mean what else can I say about the guy that I haven’t already made clear?  He simply has no talent.

 

 

But yeah, both of these songs that are left are just simply unbearable to listen to.  It’s like a Case A or Case B take your pick.  I don’t care.  Both of these are just amazingly awful in their own individual ways.  I mean a couple of us (Wumbo, JCM, Nuggets, Jjs, and I) got into a pretty amazing debate about which one of these is worse the other week.  I already had my case which you’ll see in a minute, but others thought this next song was far worse.  I don’t blame them for thinking such a thing because it really is pretty bad.  But for the one I chose as number two, let me just point out.  I never thought Jason DeRulo would have a song as bad as my number one choice ever again after I first heard it.  And I still stand by that sentiment….but dear god did he ever tempt me to be proven wrong with this next one.

 

2. “Trumpets” – Jason DeRulo

 

Spoiler

 

As someone that can play the trumpet quite well, this is a disgrace to trumpets period.  It’s like Jason DeRulo is trying to destroy every single musical instrument one by one.  But this isn’t just any other terrible Jason DeRulo song.  It’s a terrible Jason DeRulo love song.  This guy has proven:

 

Time (In My Head)

 

And time (It Girl)

 

Again (The Other Side)

 

That he is terrible at displaying any sort of sympathetic emotion when it comes to the heart.  However, unlike these other songs, Jason DeRulo tries to pass this off as a serious love ballad…and boy do his compliments just flat out suck:

 

Is it weird that your ass reminds me of a Kanye West song?

 

…um what?  As much as I love Kanye West, he isn’t one of those bling and bitches rappers.  Kanye West makes more compelling rap music than that….well most of the time.  Looks like I’m going to have to consult the internet on that one…

 

Well Google has spoken and apparently he is referencing “Amazing”…ONE OF MY LEAST FAVORITE KANYE WEST SONGS.  As much as I love Kanye, 808s and Heartbreaks is such a dull dull album.  Sure there are some great songs off of there like Love Lockdown and Heartless, but Amazing is just such a boring song.  Pretty much a perfect example as to how disappointing most of 808s and Heartbreaks is.  So yeah Jason DeRulo finds her ass “amazing”….can’t emphasize the quotes enough.  What other compliments do you have?

 

Is it weird that your bra reminds me of a Katy Perry song?

 

 

Is it weird that your eyes remind me of a Coldplay song?

 

No.  No.   NO.  NO.  You, of all people, have no right to reference Green Eyes.  One of the few sentimental mid 2000s Coldplay songs that didn’t entirely sound like Chris Martin whining.  You’ve lost the point of that song a long time ago.  I mean you aren’t even trying to hide the fact that this is about your hollow lust because he didn’t write this song while confessing his love for her or even conversing with her….

 

I wrote this song just looking at you.

 

You know what this song reminds me of?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBI3lc18k8Q

 

Yes I went there.  This song reminds me of the previous worse thing Jason DeRulo has ever done.  Both completely miss the point and are absolute contradictions of what they think the song is trying to represent.  I honestly don’t know which of these are worse to be honest because both feel like the same damn song.  But one thing is for sure…

 

#1

 

*groans*

 

1. “Wiggle” – Jason DeRulo (featuring Snoop Dogg)

 

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiP14ED28CA

 

…this the lowest Jason DeRulo can get for me.

 

Holy shit I was way too nice in my previous review of this.  Like I don’t think I even got to spread the point across as to how much I loathe this song because I was too busy trying to joke around about Snoop’s guest verse.  Well make no mistake, this song is just loathesome.  Not even ten seconds with the age old questions do I want to vomit

 

How did you get….ALL THAT…in them jeans?

You know what to do with that big fat butt……

 

Awkward pause….

 

WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE

 

You know at least Jason DeRulo’s other singles had actual production work on it…this?  This is a damn recorder.  I learned to play a recorder when I was in first grade.  He fucking based the production work entirely off of a cheap plastic toy.  I would understand if he wanted to go for an exotic sound, but this isn’t a pan flute or anywhere even close to exotic.  It’s just pathetic.  Like this is easily one of the worst productions I’ve ever heard.  It’s just so bad.  I’m legitimately surprised that anyone can dance to this.

 

Oh god and those lyrics….I already went over them before (Go ahead and go ham sandwich….gag me) but I don’t think I emphasized how insanely bad they are

 

Patty cake, Patty cake

With no hands

Got me in this club making wedding plans

 

I’m sorry Kid Ink I was wrong.  Daftness isn’t the only foundation for a marriage.  Apparently the size of one’s butt does as well.

 

If I take pictures while you do your dance

I can make you famous on Instagram

 

Yeah because that’s what every girl dreams of.  Having her ass plastered all over social media.  The Fappening is living proof of that.

 

Hot damn it

Your booty like two planets 

 

Honestly, do any of these R&B guys have otherworldly expectations for asses these days?  Like I hate to sound even more cynical than I do now, but the size of the ass compared to a planet does not make logistical sense….god I have to stop myself before I look even more into ass size metaphors….

 

Oh and about Snoop’s guest verse.  While I find it to be decent, the amount of crap that Snoop has been associated with over the past couple years just keeps growing.  I know he’s untouchable these days and can do whatever the fuck he wants without losing his credibility, but that doesn’t redeem the value of the song.  I mean look no further than that shitty song he did with Psy about hangovers.  That was just fucking atrocious even with Snoop’s involvement.  Honestly, that doesn’t stop of Wiggle from being just as atrocious either.

 

People can defend this as much as they like about how it’s just another daft DeRulo song and that it’s a parody of bad music.  That makes this even worse for me because I do feel like DeRulo needs his music to keep him in the spotlight.  I mean what else does he have going for him?  Absolutely nothing.  He’s not the “charming young guy” anymore so he is trying to make the same transition Chris Brown made before him and is sucking horribly at it because I don’t think DeRulo understands what makes down and dirty hip hop music work and this song is living proof of it. 

 

I’m just sick of ass anthems and 2014 had a shit ton of them and Wiggle is by far the worst of them.  I’m also sick of the whole “I’m a dumb guy who gets laid a lot” anthems too.  2014 had a shit ton of them and Wiggle is by far the worst of them.  Honestly, I think my hatred for this steams far more than just being Jason DeRulo at his most unbearably stupid.  It’s that this song epitomizes just how bad of a year in music 2014 was.  I can’t see Jason DeRulo outdoing himself with this in terms of how low can you go.  2014 clearly can’t go any lower.

 

 

[Burgerpants]

ALLINEEDISALITTLELOVEINMYLIIIIIIIIFE

[Clappy]

ALLINEEDISALITTLELOVEINMYLIIIIIIIIFE

Such a useless song.

[terminoob]

I'm glad I'm not the only one here that likes A Great Big World. I was beginning to think everyone was writing off that band based off of the worst song on the album.

[Sweat]

I don't care what anyone says, Maps is insanely catchy and I love it from that

[Wumbo]

"EDIT: Actually I take that back after seeing Wumbo’s best list.  Please elaborate on passion and personality when the lead artist of this song Jessie J has absolutely no personality whatsoever.  You’ve heard her other music.  She is whatever you want her to be.  That’s not personality.  That’s just not having anything distinctive about you as an artist."

 

Okay, elaborating mode:

 

You're right, Jessie J doesn't have a personality. But her part in this song does. Her, Ariana, and Nicki give it their all to complement the throbbing beat throughout the song, and I think they sell the "Bang Bang" just as much as the production does. You're free to disagree, but I think as long as Jessie J doesn't forget to put on a mask before she goes in the recording studio, I can handle it just fine.

 

A few other notes regarding your worst list compared to mine:

 

I absolutely loathed "Rude" when it first came out, but for some reason it's absent from my list. Well, consider it the #11. No, really. It's the 11th worst song on my list. All the criticisms still stand, both from me and Clappy, but I acquiesced that the production was at least more inspired than anything else on my Bottom 10, and thus it was spared. Just wanted to make it clear that the song still sucks asscheeks, though.

 

Regarding "Maps" vs. "Animals": I want to make it clear that "Animals" is not my number 1 worst song because it's sexist, or because the video is cruel to animals (ironic...), or because of whatever controversy. No, it is for the exact opposite reason. This song fails to deliver any emotion, any passion, or any ounce of caring for me. "Maps" was spared because I honestly did think it would be a good song when it started out with the guitar. But "Animals" was dead on arrival. So I hate "Animals" for the same reason Clappy hates "Maps".

[Clappy]

I don't care what anyone says, Maps is insanely catchy and I love it from that

No one is questioning your opinion bro. Just because I found it to be an absolute waste of my time, doesn't mean everyone else has to comply. What you find insanely catchy though, I just find meaningless.

[Clappy]

Man oh man my Worst Music list was a mouthful....I'll make my Worst TV list briefer.

 

CLAPPY'S BOTTOM 10 TV SHOWS OF 2014

 

Honestly this first choice wasn't entirely terrible....but it sure was a let down.

 

10. How I Met Your Mother: The Final Season

 

I'm only counting the second half of this season btw since I'm only doing the episodes of any show that had a 2014 air date.

 

Season 9 will go down in the history books as the most controversial season of the show.  It's the epitome of love it or hate it.  There were plenty of good episodes for me this season.  Hell, How Your Mother Met Me is definitely my Top 5...and possibly make a strong case as the best episode of the show.  But god, this season had so much filler.  Oh and it also had easily the worst episode of the series....

 

SLAPSGIVING 3

 

Yes that episode was by far the worst one of the series.  I just hated it so much.  Which sucks because the other two were so memorable.  And I get exactly what the set up they were going for was with the how Kill Bill parody.  It just was not compelling television...minus the Boyz II Men cameo at the very end.

 

Sad thing is that there were plenty of episodes in 2014 of How I Met Your Mother that I simply just did not care about.  And while the ending of the series doesn't sting as much as it did when I watched it, I am still not fond of how it ended and no matter how many cases I hear for it, I refuse to change my stance.  That's now how I felt this show should have ended, but despite it making my worst list, How I Met Your Mother is still one of my favorite shows of all time.  So there's that.

 

9.  Family Guy

 

The Simpsons/Family Guy crossover was great and I still find it to be great....

 

Can't say the same for the rest of this show.  Guys, I'll be honest.  I can't stop watching this no matter how bad....hell borderline unwatchable this is getting.  Like it's starting to feel like borderline so bad, it's good territory.  Like I feel like it's trying to be in your face offensive just to see how unwatchable it can truly become.  I mean look no further than a few weeks ago:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59hReILslds

 

It's Peter wanting Lois to sleep with Jesus so Jesus can lose his virginity.  I mean they want you to see how tasteless they can get and THAT was the Christmas special this year.  As bad as Family Guy is getting, it's at least an interesting unwatchable show.  I'll give it that much.  Too bad that majority of this year was more boring than bad.  Filler all around for a show that tried to take a risk last year, only to erase that risk in such a pathetic fashion.

 

I mean at least Cleveland came back.  Him getting his own show should have never happened....

 

 

8. Sam & Cat

 

...just like these two.  One whole season later and this show is still a massive waste of my time...except for that one episode with Freddie, Robbie, and Jade.  That one put a smile on my face as I reminisced to better days for everyone involved just a few years ago.  Jennette McCurdy's Sam character change I still don't agree with and Ariana Grande's Cat just got to large levels of unbearable.  Why am I signaling out the actresses?  Because I know it's not their faults that whatever writers were involved with this decided to make them this way.  

 

Dan Schneider, I'm done with you.  This was the last straw and based off of what I'm hearing about Henry Danger, I'm glad I now consider myself off the Schneider Bakery wagon.  At least I still have what's left of my Victorious, Drake & Josh, and good iCarly re-runs to remind me of just a few years ago when I was glad to stick up for more recent Dan Schneider shows (of course All That and Kenan & Kel are still great no matter what).

 

 

7. Friends With Better Lives

 

Can't believe I got sucked into this with the whole HIMYM nonstop promotion of how this was going to be similar to it.  Yeah, this reminds me that Brooklynn Decker should stop trying to act and I'll remember when James Van Der Beek's other cancelled series Don't Trust The Bitch in Apt 23 ended way too soon (and yes termi, you now have me hooked to that on Netflix...thank you).  CBS comedies just were massive letdowns for the most part this year....or just massive wastes period.

 

 

6. Two and a Half Men

 

Another year, another countless amount of hours I waste.  Just like Family Guy, I can't believe I still tune into this no matter how awful it gets.  This time, they pulled me in with the whole FINAL SEASON schpeal.  But then this show turned into I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry the series.  Not even joking.  Ashton Kutcher and Jon Crier's characters are now married while they are still straight guys just so Walden can adopt a kid.  Guys, if you have to pull a storyline straight from one of Adam Sandler's worst movies, that's a sign your season is going to straight out suck.

 

5. Breadwinners

 

And that was eleven minutes of my life I'm never getting back.  Thank you Nickelodeon.

 

4. Utopia

 

As much as I love my reality shows, this "social experiment" assembling some of the most unbearable people on the planet and watch them try their darndest to provoke everyone on the show or watching it....I had quite enough after five minutes thank you very much.

 

 

3. The Millers

 

So despite the fact that I continue to watch The Big Bang Theory, I wanted to give a shot to the show that followed up The Big Bang Theory's time slot.  Let's be honest here, The Big Bang Theory really isn't that funny anymore and while it hasn't gotten worse than it did last year, it's not really getting all that much better.  The only reason it's saved from my worst list this year is because of actual storyline progression.  Which was much needed for a show getting that stale.

 

Now this on the other hand....at least The Big Bang Theory still gets a laugh or two out of me.  That's at least two whole more laughs than I get with The Millers.  No wonder this got cancelled.  Once you pulled it out of such a gimme ratings booster, the audience left along with it.  Which is truly a damn shame because with a cast that has funny people like Will Arnett, Margo Martindale, Beau Bridges, Jayma Mays, and JB Smoove, this show should have been a lot funnier.  But once again, it always comes down to the writing and the jokes on this show were NEVER FUNNY.

 

 

2. The Entire Lifetime Network

 

I'm grouping every last aspect of this channel all together.  I don't care if this is not aimed for me to watch regularly.  This channel was pure hell every time I even sat in the room with it on.   The shows were garbage.  The movies were borderline unbearable.  To top it all off, this happened:

 

 

Aubrey Plaza...why?

 

Spoiler

Christmas special version of Crap Cinema coming this week.

 

This is by far one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.  Like holy mother of god.  This alone makes any credibility the network once had go right down the shitter when they couldn't find anymore men to exploit as evil human beings.  Lifetime television got so bad that even my mother, the network's number one supporter, can't defend the awful programming Lifetime had this year.

 

 

Now what tv show could possibly be worse than a whole network?  How about a program that I have so many fond memories of dying right in front of my very eyes:

 

 

1. The Fairly Oddparents

 

"You like poop with pee on it eh?"

 

Honestly...that quote from Sparky the Fairy Dog accurately summarizes how putrid Fairly Oddparents became in 2014.  It's like Butch Hartman took a shit on a show we were all once proud of, peed on it so he can further desecrate any good memories we once had of this show and sent it to Nickelodeon, where the network just went "eh" and continued to produce episode after episode.  Special after special.  New pointless character after new pointless character.

 

I mean guys, how many times are we going to let this happen?  We have remote controls. Just change the channel.  Stop watching this so Nickelodeon can finally hit the nail in the coffin.  I know the network is so desperate for ratings that they had to have a SECOND CHILDREN'S AWARD SHOW.  They are raping all my good memories of The Fairly Oddparents in more ways than one.

 

 

Gone.

 

 

Gone.

 

 

Long gone.

 

 

Hell, the new season pretty much erased the existence of this.

 

So once again, I beg you all.  Please let Fairly Oddparents die.  It's already dead on the outside anyway.  Just put an end to all the suffering we are going through with the shitty live action specials, the countless Timmy is a brat scenarios, the needless add-ons of anti-characters...just everything.  Make it stop.

[terminoob]

I think my biggest gripe with Fairly Odd Parents is the lack of characters. The cast used to be so big in the earlier seasons. Chester, AJ, Sanjay, Elmer, Trixie, Tad, Chad, Veronica, Francis, Principal Waxelplex, Remy, Doug Dimmadome (owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome), Chompy the Goat, the Mayor, the Crimson Chin... the writers just seemed to give up after a certain point and decided it was too much work to write characters that aren't Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda, Poof, Sparky, Timmy's parents, Crocker, and Vicky.

[Steel Sponge]

I can't even remember the last time Francis spoke a single word. I'm with terminoob here with the lack of focus of key characters such as him.

 

To see Fairly Odd Parents be in its current state....I find it depressing. I'd defend (what I'd call) post-baby FOP as much as post-movie Spongebob, but this is (once again, what I'd call) post-fairy-dog FOP currently and since I've only seen one episode that had Sparky, I don't have much to say in defense, expect for my belief of Sparky being the most overhated cartoon character I've heard of by far. (Certainly he can't be worse than Foop.) I did see some snippets of Fairly Odd Summer though, and I found it incredibly mediocre. In fact, I apparently agree with some of the complaints on the show's current state. My thoughts on FOP was to the point I suddenly stopped caring for it and stopped trying to catch up with it.