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Dr. Dark

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Dr. Dark last won the day on October 19

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11455 Sweet Victory!

About Dr. Dark

  • Rank
    Teller of Terrible Tales!
  • Birthday 05/03/1993

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Pronoun
  • Interests
    - Basketball, y'all
    - Money
    - People buying my stuff
    - Circumcised swimming
    - Banging on a trashcan
    - Drumming on streetlights
    - Riffs! Yeah, right!
    - Pug trafficking
    - Grand Slams with extra Ham and a SIDE OF CARROT CAKE
    - FUUUCK
    - Throwin' down face-downs
    - Then ending my turns
    - Hey Ben.
    - Yeah?
    - See ya.
    - ...Yeah...
    - Puhhhhh
    - "Yo! Kai!"
    - "THAT'S MY NAME"
    - drinking up the gift of Jericho
    - I feel like I'm a bigger fan of Pokemon now than I was as a kid
    - Putting children's cartoon characters into adult situations
    - Honor
    - Family
    - Tradition
    - And donuts
    - Not Caring!
    - Covering wars, ya know
    - Getting it memorized
    - Making tombstones for stray dogs
    - This list is getting UPBEAT! UPBEAT!
    - Forklift racing
    - DENIM
    - Shaun White hoodies
    - Heading to the Tiki Lodge for some R&R
    - Breaking out the butter
    - Making toast
    - The George Lopez Show for like, the first 3 times
    - Same with My Wife and Kids
    - Standing unshaken amidst the clashing of worlds
    - Rodan.
    - Godzilla.
    - Bringing the darkness and the thunder
    - Coming from hell and pulling you under
    - Making you feel the wrath of my ways
    - Being the end of your days
    - When it's time to make the donuts
    - Dead Rising
    - DashieGames (pause?)
    - Being remembered as the July 2011 Employee of the Month
    - That's me!
    - That's MEEEEE! That's meee!
    - Employee of the MOOOOOONTH!
    - Mecha
    - Yes, Dear (somebody please syndicate this fucking show again! Put it on Netflix, Pluto TV, Tubi, Crackle, something!)
    - Sharks

    This is the life, you see. The devil tips his hat to me.
  • Location
  • Favorite Episode
    Survival of the Idiots
  • Favorite Character
    Trevor "Viking" Calcote

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  1. Dr. Dark

    Ask the Kat

    Gladly? if you like Coraline, then I’m sure ParaNorman will be right up your alley. I’d also highly recommend Kubo and the Two Strings. I always go back and forth between it and Coraline when it comes to me picking my favorite Laika movie.
  2. Time to go to (Puff Mama's) home and finish the rest of that pasta-ha
  3. Chapter 4: The Power of Love Eight hours later Eugene's vision returned as he slowly opened his eyestalks to find himself in a hospital room, hooked up to an IV. He can also feel the bandages wrapped around his head. "Eugene! Oh thank Neptune below! Honey, are you okay?" Cherish sat at his bedside with baby Pearl resting in her arms. "I uhhh- whoa, what the hell happened to me?" Eugene asked, genuinely confused and still feeling fuzzy. "You took a bad spill at work. Jim drove you to the hospital, himself. He figured it'd knock the medical bill down a few.” "Smart lad, sm-smart lad..." "It sounded just awful from how Squidward explained it to me and the hospital staff" "Darlin', please, you be knowin' how dramatic he can get it. He's one of them blowhard, artsy wartsy types, it's kind of his thing." "Well, in any case, the doctor went ahead and performed some tests just to be on the safe side. You haven't been feeling sick lately, have you?" "No...not really, I don't think." "I have noticed that you've been downing way more food than you usually do in recent months. "Oh darlin', you'll be finding yourself in the bed next to me if you keep worryin' yourself sick like this. It's really nothin'. I'm a man, babe. It's just how we men eat." "Well, I don't think that men just empty their bowels all over unsuspecting families." "...Touché." Dr. Gilliam cracks the door open a bit and peers in for a second before letting himself inside. "Ahh...Mr....Krabs, I'm glad to see you're back amongst the land of the living." Gilliam playfully comments. "It'll take a lot more than a sink to the skull to keep down ol' Armor Abs, doc." Eugene fires back. "It is very reassuring to know that your wit is still intact. I've gotten back some of the results of your tests. Would you mind if I borrow your wife and daughter for a few moments? Give you a bit more time to rest by yourself." "You think I'm being a little too overbearing, doctor?" Cherish asked. "Oh no, no, no, no, no! Not at all!" "Have at 'em, doc. I could use a bit more shut eye and me wife has been cryin' harder than the kid. Ar ar ar ar!" Krabs winces in pain as he lets out that laugh. "Forget you, Eugene!" She belts out as she follows Dr. Gilliam out of the room. Gilliam leads her and Pearl further down the corridor and into a more darkened section where most of the patients are already asleep and a few nurses are on hand. "Doctor, this seems like an awful far walk for some test results, don't you think?" Cherish asks nervously. Gilliam leads them through a set of double doors and seats them all down in an empty waiting area nearby. He lowers the volume on the television that’s set up for the guests, which is currently showing late night love ballad infomercials. "'CAUSE I'M YOOOUUUR LAAAAAAADYYYYYYY!!! And you are my maaaaAaaan!" as sung by Celine Dion before Gilliam cuts the infomercial off. "Mrs. Krabs, I really, really, really don't know how to even go about telling you this." Dr. Gilliam says with a tone of genuine unease in his voice. "Just come out with it, Doctor. Is something wrong with my Eugene?!" "Yes, I do believe that something is definitely wrong, but not in the way that you might be thinking." "What do you possibly mean by that, not in the way that I'm thinking? The way I'm thinking right now is that he probably doesn't have much longer left to live!" "See, not in the way that you're thinking." "Well then quit leading me around and beating around the bush, doc! What's wrong with my husband, Pearl's father??!" "This has me soooo thrown for a loop that I don't know whether to give in to the insanity of it all and just laugh my tail fin off, or try to keep my sanity and tell you to your face that your husband is pregnant." Cherish finds herself absolutely floored by this, as if she instantaneously sank into her seat and was completely powerless to pick herself up out of it. The shock of this revelation causes her to nearly drop Pearl from her lap. "Oh dear!" Gilliam yelps out as he helps to stop Pearl from falling and gets her back into her mother's arms. Cherish snaps herself out of it enough to at least struggle to regain her bearings, "What the Davy Jones do you mean that my husband is pregnant?!" A nearby custodian overhears that and awkwardly makes his way back up the elevator that he came down from. "It's nyaahhh exactly how I said it, Mrs. Krabs! The CT scan alerted us to something going on in his body that was...not something I have ever seen brought up in a CT scan for a male before. We performed some blood tests and, really, the results came in conclusive that he's, well, you know..." "How the *dolphin noise* is this even possible?!" She shouts out, doing her best to cover Pearl's ears as she did. "I don't know. I am truly stumped. Never in all my years of practicing in the Pacific have I ever encountered a case quite like this." "Look, you're sure?! And I mean absolutely?!" "The blood tests do seem to suggest just that, yes." "I don't want no suggestions! I want some damn undeniable proof!" "Then it would be in my most professional opinion that he get an ultrasound as soon as he's discharged, and perhaps meet with your OB-GYN." The mere thought fails to register to Cherish. "My OB-GYN?! D-Do you have ANY idea how much his manhood means to him?! He's constantly getting himself into gonad measuring contests with his old navy buddies! I asked before and I'll ask again; how in the holy Davy Jones’ Locker is this even possible?!!!?!" "And I will reiterate, I haven't the slightest idea! I mean, you don't have a...ya know...?" "Of course I don't!" She yells back, taking some offense to his implication. Gilliam retreats to his thoughts for a moment, "Then I'll reach out to some colleagues in the Arctic, Atlantic and Indian and see if they can help me make any heads or tails of this." "Well while you're off doing that, just what am I supposed to do with..." "I'll inform...him...on the situation the best I can. In the morning. Aside from, well, that, the blow to his head shouldn't do any long lasting damage and it should heal up just nicely! I would at least prescribe him something, but..." "Yeah, I know. Just please, Dr. Gilliam, do what you can to get to the bottom of this." "I'll do all I can. Just try and get some rest, both you and your daughter. I know that this is a whole heck of a lot to take in, especially after everything that happened before. But, with all due respect to the miracle of life itself, congratulations are still technically in order. So, congratulations, to both you and your husband! I- uh, I suppose I'll be seeing you tomorrow, Mrs. Krabs, may you and your daughter have...as pleasant of an evening as you can..." Gilliam gets up from his seat and heads back through the same double doors. Cherish sinks into her seat a little with Pearl on her lap. She remains there, processing all her thoughts until Pearl falls asleep in her arms. She eventually gets up to go to the nurse’s desk, requesting that they inform her husband that she and Pearl will be spending the night at home. Once home, she puts Pearl to bed in her crib. She shuffles back out, seemingly losing the strength in her legs. She has to rely on the wall of the upstairs hall provide her balance. The last time she felt this way, it was during her last miscarriage. Cries echo throughout the house. She turns back to see that Pearl is still asleep in her crib. Cherish somehow manages to feel her way to the master bedroom and tumbles onto the bed. Her vision gets fuzzy before everything goes black suddenly, killing the sound. author's note: might be a bit of a delay for the next chapter, so expect it up either Thursday or Friday.
  4. Dr. Dark

    Ask the Kat

    You watched any of Laika’s other films?
  5. Dr. Dark

    Ask Jeeves

    Hell yeah, that’s my jam right there
  6. Chapter 3: Work-Life Balance Another couple months later Their adoption agent hands the couple their newly adopted baby girl. "Aww, there she is! Our lovely daughter Pearl!" Eugene happily exclaims as he grabs hold of her, taking extra care not to pinch her with his pincers. Eugene finds himself straining to hold all the baby's weight, so he hands Pearl over to his nervous wife, who is looking rather hesitant. "Eugene, I don't know. I'm starting to hav-" "Just hold her for a while, me dear." He officially hands Pearl off to her. Cherish and Pearl gaze upon each other for the first time as mother and daughter. Cherish took one look into Pearl's eyes as the baby whale reached her hands out towards mama Krabs' face. The future never looked so bright until this very moment. "She's so precious!" the new mother cries out as she hugs her daughter. "Just like the real thing!" We cut to the happy family painting the interior of their house white in order to properly signal their newest arrival. They are then seen taking their first family portraits, in which Pearl proved herself to be a handful. The next scene involves the Krabs family going to a festival on the boardwalk. Eugene partakes in all the delicacies the festival has to offer, performing firsthand research whether or not he can incorporate any of it into his own menu. They all then take a ride on the easygoing ferris wheel, which results in Eugene being the only one left throwing up after getting off of it. The scene after involves the Krabs family going out on a company picnic with Squidward, Not SpongeBob and Jim in tow. Cherish's appetite had long since returned as she and Pearl partakes in some of her hubby's world famous Krabby Patties. Eugene films Pearl having her first patty, but she spits it back up. Pearl then takes the time to pick the lettuce and the tomato out of the sandwich and eats those together instead. Eugene eats all her leftovers. The last scene involves Eugene getting ready for work. He tries to leave the house as quietly as he can, but Pearl wakes up crying anyway. There's only one way that Cherish knows that's guaranteed to make Pearl stop crying. She makes Eugene take his credit card out of his wallet and gives it to Pearl for her to play with. Eugene is then seen at work, supervising the ground floor, making sure that all his customers are being kept satisfied. One customer in particular is about to throw most of his meal into the garbage bin. "Didn't enjoy the meal today, sir?" Eugene asks, looking to get to the bottom of this blatant his restaurant's wares. "Oh no! I'd enjoy the whole thing if I could, but I'm just so darn full." The customer replies back. Eugene looks at the customer's bloated stomach. His story, somehow, seems to check out for now. "Well be sure to come in with an empty next time! Ar ar ar!" Krabs tells him as a friendly reminder. "And a full wallet." Krabs sees the bloated customer to the door. Krabs takes another look at the food he discarded into the trash. A part of Krabs honestly wanted to finish it off for him. It's just too substantial to let rot with the rest of the garbage. But Krabs had to contain himself. Him eating food directly out of the trash, especially on the ground floor, would certainly lose him customers. He wipes the sweat off his head and dances on over to a happy family enjoying their meals. "And may I just ask how are we all enjoying ourselves and the service here?" Eugene politely asks with a smile. "Oh, it's going great on both those fronts! Right, family?" The father replies. "Best joint in town, that's what I always tell my family and friends!" The mother responds. "Mister, this is the best burger I ever had" A stream of clear, viscous fluid pours out onto the family and their food. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" Eugene cries as he raises his claws up and shakes the fluid out of himself. The family has little time do anything more than scream as another stream of the stuff immediately gushes out as Eugene lets out another scream. The parents grab their kids and run away, promising to never return to the establishment. Eugene desperately tries to convince them otherwise, but another stream of clear liquid exits him and tracks along the floor as he had given chase to them in his deluded hopes of keeping them around to order dessert. This is more than enough to wake Squidward from his bored stupor and even Jim peers out the kitchen window to see what the commotion is about, thinking it to be another rowdy homeless person. "Mr. Squidward! This mess! C-Clean it. Up. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Eugene manages to bark as he keels over in pain. Other customers have begun to leave as well, losing their appetites from the horrid display. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Eugene leaks out more and more as he hobbles his way to the bathroom. He rushes to the nearest toilet lets out as much as he can. He tries to collect his thoughts with each passing stream. It got to the point where he had to already flush because the bowl got filled up that fast. This isn't your typical throw up, he somehow gathered in his scrambled thought process. It wasn’t coming out through his mouth. He never experienced such a thing before. It was terrifying, but at the same time, he felt something...more. Once it seemed like he got out about as much as he could, Eugene stumbled his way out of the stall and to the sink. He slips just a couple of feet shy and cracks his head against the side of it before cracking his head yet again on the tiled floor. Squidward soon discovers his boss lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of his own blood mixed in with something else.
  7. I’ve played majority of the game so far, haven’t completed the last couple of levels yet, but I can say that it’s definitely the best out of the post-Naught Dog games, tho that bar isn’t necessarily high considering that WoC and Twinsanity were rushed and/or incomplete messes and the Titans games were almost completely different beasts entirely (tho they’re both my guilty pleasures). In comparison to the OG Naughty Dog titles, I feel it’s a really nice mashup of each games’ positives. It brings back the Crash 1 level of difficulty, but at the same time it’s more approachable this time around. And it really builds on the gameplay stylings of 2 and 3 with the new Quantum abilities. And the new additional characters such as Cortex, Tawna and Dingodile made for nice shakeups here and there, especially Dingodile. Feels so cathartic playing as him. The Quantum Masks gimmick is gonna be a tough act to follow if we get another sequel. The level designs are great and the wide variety of locales feel like a welcome breath of fresh air. And it’s always nice to finally get a healthy amount of brand new lore added to this series. Although there’s some minor story beats that I thought were kinda weird and ehh. Overall, I’d honestly say that it’s now my favorite entry of the whole series.
  8. Dr. Dark

    Ask Jeeves

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Last House on the Left, 5 Fingers of Death, Master of the Flying Guillotine, The Street Fighter, Hobo With A Shotgun and Deathdream are the first few to come to my mind
  9. Chapter 2: The Next Chapter A couple months later Mr. Krabs and his wife are sitting at the table, sharing a candlelit dinner across from each other in the dim comfort of their own home. An air of awkwardness and silence fills the room. Krabs is going through his food fast, whereas his wife has barely touched her's. "At least someone still has their appetite." She remarks. "At least one of us is at least keeping some sense of normality in this house." He shoots back. Another minute goes by of complete silence. Eugene contemplates just taking his wife's meal instead of seeing it go to waste, especially when it comes to a meal that he prepared himself. "Are you-...umm?" "By all means." Eugene takes the food off her plate and puts it onto his own. He then hands her plate back. Another minute of Eugene chewing goes by. "Pretty romantic, eh-" "I'm sorry." She says, interrupting her husband. "Don't be, darlin', you did nothin' wrong. I understand. It's been hard enough as it is on me, I can't imagine what sorta stress it be puttin' on you." "No, it's not that, it's just..." Tears begin to well in her eyestalks as he pushes her plate away. "I know how much this means to you, to have kids of our own, to continue passing down the Krabs family name, and it's become painfully obvious in the worse way that nature can possibly break it to us that I can't even give so much as that to you after everything you've given me." "Don't do this to yourself, Cherish." "The doctor said that I was brooding less than half the normal amount of eggs and I still lost them too. Yet, he found nothing in me to really explain what happened. If I can't even do what Neptune put me in this ocean to do, then really what use am I to you?" "There's more to us than just that. We've survived this long! If I can't carry on the Krabs name, then I've got hundreds of brothers left who can." "But what good is it if we can never make something our very own together?" "We've got the restaurant, the very same one that you helped me bring into fruition. Which in turn got us this house. This relationship has more legs than Mr. Squidward, so I don't know what it is you be tryin' to get at here." "Then why the long nights when the restaurant closes at 6 p.m.?" "Hey, managing a restaurant is a long and arduous task. There's affairs that I have to make sure are in order well after business hours." "Oh, I bet you've got your affairs in order." "Don't even try to insinuate what I think you be insinuatin'! I may be a lotta things but I ain't no dishonest sailor." "...I do know that, it's just...what's the point in salvaging any of this? I mean, goddamn. A restaurant and a house is one thing, but to bring lives into this world, to contribute to our already dwindling population, to hold something in our arms and to have it hold us back, that feeling of us both having equal shares in creating, truly creating, something. It's something else entirely. It's more intimate than I can begin to describe. And I feel like we're reaching a point where we can never truly have that, no matter how hard we try and fight for it!" "Well I don't know exactly about us having equal shares. I mean, I am meant to leave your side for majority of the pregnancy." "...Well you do have a point there, Eugene." They share a laugh. "When I found myself in a pretty dark place after gettin' out of the navy, you went above and beyond to pull me out of it. Without you, my dream of runnin' me own restaurant would never have been a reality. I wanna help you out of your dark place by makin' your dream a reality. Now the doctor recommended to me, if we're serious, that we should look into, possibly, adoption." "I think you mean 'adaption'." She corrects him. "No. Well, I guess that word could sorta apply here too, but it is what I said." "You can not be serious, Eugene, that sounds very unlike you." "Dead serious! I even looked into all the processes and everything. There are hundreds, thousands of kids out there who are orphaned at a very early age. Whales, in particular, are one of the most abundant species that makes its way into the system thanks to those damned, merciless whalers." "So you want to go ahead and adopt a whale?" "Maybe not a whale, exactly. I'm just sayin'. I mean, we have options!" "Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab and father of whales." She playfully pokes at him. "Well now that ye say it like that, then maybe I do want to get meself one." "Just one?" "I got to be wary of me bank account too, ya know." "We would've given birth to hundreds of thousands of little crab larvae, dear." "But one whale equals up to all of that and then some!" "What would we even feed a whale?" She questions. "We' e got the restaurant fer that! I'll even have Jim workdouble overtime to make sure she's well fed at all times." "You are gonna pay him for that, aren't you?" "We'd have a little one on the way! I'm sure he'd understand. So, what do you say? Do you wanna write this next chapter of our lives, together?" "...I'll sleep on it." She snidely replies. "Oh, you'll sleep on somethin' all right." "It isn't mating season." "We don't need our love lives to be dictated by crap like that or moon phases. Better enjoy ourselves while we still can, a kid that size will be more than a claws full." "I'm sure you can feel it in the pit of your wallet." Cherish laughs. They both get up and kiss over the table. The candle goes out
  10. "Consummate" Squidward is seen looking at himself in the mirror of his bedroom, admiring himself more like. He finishes applying powder to his face and now finds himself in the conundrum of whether to wear his toupee or not. He finally decides to leave it off after about a solid minute of deep contemplation. "Well, Squiddy, tonight is the night. Tonight is the night that things are finally made official." He actually chokes up a bit. "Squilvia and I are ready to take that next step into consummating our relationship." He smiles to himself in the mirror as a few tears roll down his face, smearing some of the powder he had just applied. He angrily wipes them away and goes about fixing the damage they had done. "Get a damn hold of yourself, Squidward! You were made for this very moment! You've already gotten everything you ever could've wanted; a house, success, money, the most perfect mate you could've ever asked for! For once in your life, quit being so damn selfish. Squidward knocks his head against the mirror, seemingly at conflict with himself. He turns away from his dresser. His room is now mostly empty, a few boxes lay about the floor and the majority of his artwork are now gone. All that's really left intact is his bed. When he finally heads downstairs, it's more of the same. Either stuff in boxes or already gone. He's never felt more nervous and unsure in all his life. He tries to psyche himself up before he psyches himself out. "Your entire life has been building up to this moment! Don't ruin it for me!" He grabs a bouquet of orphium sea roses and a box of assorted sensual chocolate bonbons off his kitchen counter before heading out to his garage. He takes a look at the bouquet and exclaims out loud, "No disrespect Neptune, but Orpheus, help me now." He moves tonight's mode of transport out of the garage. Suddenly, SpongeBob spontaneously gets in the way of his vehicle. "SpongeBob?!" Squidward shouts out. "What in Neptune's name do you think you're doing? Trying to get yourself killed?!" "No, but from the vibe I'm getting from you right now, it look like you just might! Dahahahaha!" "How the-?! What gave it away?!" Squidward incessantly asks. "Come on, Squidward. I practically set you two up! Oooh, I am so very happy that you two are still a thing! But you don't have to nervously wreck yourself! I'm sure things go about just as handsomely as you." "But tonight we're finally gonna consummate our relationship..." "Ehh, come again?" SpongeBob quizzically asks. "...You know..." "I don't quite follow." "What does that wide load of a puffer teach you in that boating schoo- oh yeah, that's right." "Well," SpongeBob slowly reels himself uncomfortably closer to Squidward. "Aren't you gonna tell me?" "You'll know it when you're older. But for all of our sakes, hopefully never. Now if you'll EXCUSE me, I've got a hot date to attend to- AHHH!!!" Squidward notices that his chocolates are now gone. Patrick is revealed to be right behind him chewing away. "Patrick, why are you doing this to me?! Now!? Of all times?!?!" "Well, the best way into a girl's heart is through her stomach, and seeing as how my stomach ks most qualified, I just went ahead and tested these for you. In my expert opinion, she'd hate it." "Does a simple "test" warrant that you eat the whole darn thing!!" "She'd hate it that much. And before you ask, she'd hate the flowers too." Squidward finally boils over and cusses both of them out in a wide display of stock noises before finally taking his leave. "Hey SpongeBob, I think something was off about those bonbons..." Patrick muses, holding and rubbing his belly. "Oooohhh yeaaaah." Squidward pulls up to Squilvia's condo. He sprays an entire bottle's worth of mouths spray into his mouth before before slowly making his way to the door. He goes to knock it, but Squilvia answers before he could. "Oh, Squidward! Hey!" She delightfully bellows out. " Squilvia?! What's up?" "Oh nothing much. Just about to go out with the dreamiest guy in this" "Cesspool of a town." They both utter lovingly in unison. "Are you.." Squidward gulps. "ready?" He asks, putting out his tentacle. "Indeed I am." She replies as she grabs his tentacle to accept it. "Oooh, Squiddy. You feel so heated! So full of spice!" "Well, I just had to deal with those two dunderhead neighbors of mine." "They may be dunderheads, but I oh so love what they can bring out of you." She seductively says with a lick to his cheek before sharing a kiss. They walk over to Squidward's two-seater recumbent bicycle. "Oh, Squidward, not this ridiculous thing." She says with a laugh. "We're both putting in the effort this time, right?" Squidward playfully asks. "For just this once, I will humor you by indulging in your arid fantasy." "I'll take that as an 'oh, absolutely!'" "Whatever helps you sleep tonight, Squidward Q. Tentacles." "There's only thing that could possibly help me sleep tonight." "Look, are you," Squilvia stammers for a moment. "are you sure?" "I'm sure that there's no one else in all the seven seas who I'd love to share my life with." "Take it down a few notches, sport. It's a major turnoff." "Duly noted." Squidward says as he refuses to help Squilvia onto the recumbent bicycle. "Such a gentleman!" They ride off into the night, taking a bit of a scenic route. They eventually stop at the Fancy! French restaurant. Squidward hands his bike off to the valet before leading Squilvia to the check-in station. "Oh, I am terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you can't dine-in at this current time." The check-in guy regretfully informs them. "B-But this is my only night to be fancy! Our only night!" Squidward angrily tells him. "I'm sorry, sir, but somebody has already placed a reservation on the entire venue. Unless your name is already on the guest list, then I'm afraid I can't allow you in" "Well then when's the next available time!?" "Further apologies, sir, but I am afraid we are not taking anymore bookings for the rest of the night." "Who the hell could swing that?!" Squidward angrily asks, storming inside. Squidward is greeted to the unpleasant sight of SpongeBob and Patrick having the time of their lives. "YOU?! I should've known you two had something to do with this!?" "Oh, hi Squidward! Or bonjour!" SpongeBob greets with a stereotypically fancy French laugh. "What did we have to do with this?" Patrick asks. "One night. One night! ONE NIGHT! This was my one night to be fancy! And you two idiots somehow managed to take that all away too!!" "Squidward, we had no idea." SpongeBob says, sounding genuinely sorry. "We were invited here-" "Oh I can believe that about as far as I can THROW YOU!" Squidward lunges at the two of them, but restaurant security manages to intercept him before he could make contact. "Sir, I tried being most civilized about this" the check-in guy disappointingly says. "but you can't just waltz in here like you are King Dingaling without a proper reservation! Perhaps you should bear that in mind the next time King Dingaling comes into town! But for now, I must bid you and your lovely guest 'adieu'!" Security proceeds to throw Squidward out, literally. "Thank you for a lovely time." Squilvia tells the restaurant staff before leaving to check on her man. "One night...just one night, Squilvia." Squidward begins to break down. "I couldn't even give you just one night...one more night to be fancy." "Oh you silly hunk of a man, I don't need to feel fancy to cherish these final moments together. All I need to feel is you, really. Now enough with the water works. I don't need you being anymore salty than you already are!" Squidward finds the strength to pull himself together and to sort of laugh it off. "This isn't how I pictured it all to go. For me... I thought I'd just die miserable and alone. Squilvia, I never truly felt what happiness was until the day I found you. Even in these moments, where life continually finds a way to kick me down, it's that much easier to get through with you by my side." "Aww, deep down under that rough, unfeeling exterior of yours, you're still just a huge sap." "I know, I know. Major turnoff, right?" "Very much so." She reaches her tentacle out to Squidward, offering him a helping hand back to his feet, which he accepts. "Let's just go back to your place, Squiddy, I can think of something to make." They pick Squidward's recumbent bike up from the valet and they leave without tipping. They pull up to Squidward's and let themselves off the bike. Squidward pushes the bike back into the garage and lets Squilvia into his home. "My, you had yourself an early start." Squilvia observes, noticing that a lot of his stuff is already gone. "I won't have much of a use for anything anyhow." "You're really serious about this." "As serious as I ever will be. I want you to have it, the house. It'll make a good den, both for you and the young ones." Squidward takes one more good look at the place and takes it all in. "Squilvia, you are my everything. I can die peacefully knowing that you know that. This, us, this is more than some lifelong commitment. It's a whole lot more than that. I only wish that we can experience more of it together. It's such a curse, what we octopi have to go through for the sake of love and happiness. Prevented from growing old together, torn away from our children before they could even form a single thought. Why do things have to be this way?" "It's just the way nature is, sweetheart. Circle of life and all that jazz. It's how we were created for. It's what we are meant for. Our parents went through it, and their parents before that. The cycle continues. The wheel keeps turning." "All at the cost of our tragic lives." Squidward laments. "So did you think of what you wanted to make, or should I go ahead and-" Squilvia puts a suction cup on his lips, "I already know what I want." They hold hands, suction cup in suction cup, as Squidward leads her to his upstairs bedroom. Squilvia settles herself onto the bed, looking on for Squidward to make his move. "Years of interpretive dance academy, don't fail me now!" Squidward thought to himself before jumping into one of the final acts of his life. Squidward and Squilvia embrace and tangle up against each other under the covers. A cloud of ink spontaneously emanates from under the sheets as things begin looking a little rough. Squidward's head pops out, gasping for air, but he's pulled back under by a pair of tentacles. The sheets suddenly fly off the pair as its revealed that Squilvia has her tentacles tightly wrapped around Squidward's head and neck. More ink begins to to disperse, but this some, some blue substance is mixed in there as well. Squidward manages to break himself free. "WHAT ARE YOU DOI-" He hastily asks in a panic, but this reprieve doesn't last long as Squilvia wraps herself around him again, almost as if trying to suffocate him. Squilvia lifts herself up and slams back down onto Squidward with her beak fully protruding outward, snapping away as it makes contact with Squidward's skin. More blue blood gushes out amidst chewing. Squidward slowly loses strength as the beak appears to be not only chewing on him, but also injecting him with some sort of paralyzing substance. His shrieks and attempts to cry for help slowly die down as whatever it is takes its toll on his motor skills. "Don't fight me, Squiddy. Just don't..." Each part of Squidward's body gradually goes limp. All he can do is state up at the ceiling with a blank expression on his face. He can still feel the gaping jaws of Squilvia's beak penetrating his torso, eating away at his insides. He can still feel the pain of it all, yet he can let out not one single, solitary whimper. Squilvia brings her face up to his, positioning herself in his field of vision. She had one of his tentacles in her mouth, slurping up into her gullet like a huge spaghetti noodle. She's then able to swallow it whole. "It's okay, sweetness. You won't die miserable and alone." She brings her mouth over his skull and consumes her mate as he watches on for as long as she allows him to. Squilvia exits Squidward's house a few hours later. She composes herself before making her way back home. "Hey Squilvia!" SpongeBob greets her as he goes to unlock his own front door. "I'm so sorry about the whole restaurant thing! I hope Squidward isn't to mad." "Oh, he was practically a steamed vegetable!" "Dahahaha!" "But he calmed down after a while. Say, how did the fancy dinner go?" "SpongeBob it's the funniest thing, Patrick and I were the only ones there. The person who invited us didn't even show! Anyway, I just helped Patrick back into his rock. He was pretty out of it all night. Anywho, how'd the date end up turning out?! I just have to know!" "It went well enough, I suppose. I kind of called things off tonight." "Aww, I'm so disappointed to hear." "It's just the way life goes sometimes. Sometimes you just aren't compatible no matter how hard you try. He did treat me better than most guys I had the displeasure of dating. I'll miss that much about him. "Well, I sure hope you two can remain friends even after everything is said and done." "Don't worry, SpongeBob!" Squilvia assures him. "A piece of him will be with me wherever I go." Squilvia parts ways with SpongeBob, walking down the dark road back home alone. SpongeBob almost felt tempted to walk her back, himself, until he notices a stray tentacle wriggle its out of the opening of her purse. It ceases moving before falling back into the bag. SpongeBob decides to check up on Squidward instead. He walks into the darkened halls of Squidward's home and closes the front door behind him. Squilvia suddenly appears out of thin air next to the front door, using camouflage to blend herself into her surroundings. She stops the door from closing all the way with her foot before slithering inside. the preceding was inspired by the pretty messed up lives of octopi
  11. "School Trip Time/2nd Period" - Assassination Classrom
  12. I originally intended to enter this in the scary story contest, but it's been starting to get a lil too long for something like a contest where the minimum is 300 words, so I thought I'd just post it as its own thing here and split it into parts. It was my first scary story contest attempt in a while, I feel. Hopefully it turns out aight. I'll also try entering someing else into contest shortly. Chapter 1: Complications "Mr. Krabs, I regret to inform you that...they didn't make it..." Dr. Gilliam informs, somberly. "I'm terribly sorry, deeply, I really-" "What do you mean they didn't make it?!" Eugene angrily lashes out. "There's hundreds of thousands of them! You couldn't even save at least a fraction of that! What kind of 'life savers' are ya?!" "I'm sorry, I really am, but the chances of pulling even that off were far too slim this early on in the cycle. If the eggs don't take the proper time to ripen before release, well then there just isn't much we can do for them, unfortunately. We had to clean the sac out now or risk your wife being afflicted with further infection." "Could you-" Eugene stammers. "Could you at least tell my why? How? Anything? This is the fourth time me wife and I have tried making a go at a litter of our own, but they all ended up like this! The matin' season is almost over and at this rate, we'll have to wait til the next one, and that's if Neptune is willin' to see us through! And between you and me, I've been dumpin' enough bags of money as it is reserving the best matin' spots on the coastline." "Have you been giving her her space during the brooding period?" "Yes! She had practically the entire house to herself these last two times!" "Has she been getting enough energy-giving lipids in her diet?" "I-I, well, I suppose! I don't quite know cuz I can't exactly be there to watch, ya know!" "Well, has she shown signs of being sick at all throughout any of these pregnancies? Outside of the usual parameters when it comes to said pregnancies, I mean." "She was fighting off somethin' fierce around the second go-around, but it didn't linger for long. We made sure she was back to her old self by our third try." "She's a real fighter, I see." "She's fought hard fer this, doctor. In all me days in the navy, nobody I know ever came close to her level of toughness." "I seem to recall you telling one of my nurses that you were a pirate." "Arr, don't tell me superior officers that." Eugene says with a nervous laugh. "Anyway, I want to look more into what your wife might've had. See if that could be in any way connected." "Do you mind if I can go in and see her?" "Go right on ahead. I'm afraid this entire ordeal has really started to sink its hooks into her. She really could use all the comfort she can get during such trying times." "Thanks, doc." Gilliam pats Eugene on the shoulder, "You try and take it easy now too, Mr. Krabs. Tragic instances like these can affect both parties equally. This can be a lot of stress to handle." Gilliam leaves Eugene with that, walking down the hall to the main nurses station. Krabs makes his way to the door of his wife's room. He's greeted to the sight of her thousand hard state, obviously shook up from all she has been through. "Aww, there's me darlin' treasure, glistening radiantly like always." Her face becomes full of rage as the door closes slowly behind him.
  13. Ben Mankiewicz: Good evening, I am your host, Ben Mankiewicz, here to tell you that you did it. You've endured six grueling nights of what was perpetually soap torture porn and now you're about to complete the entire set because we have officially reached the finale of our seven part retrospective on "Slippery Smooth" by Old Man Jenkins. We would like to extend our thanks to TCM and Fathom Events for making all of this possible, but most importantly, thank YOU for taking the time out of your evenings to join us on this batshit crazy thrill ride. There is a "special announcement" in store for all of you at the end of tonight's feature. If you're interested, we advise that you might just wanna stick around for that. When we last visited the Steve Residence, Slippery Soap finally worked up the courage within himself to confide in somebody else in regards to all the recent, traumatic events that have been unfolding all around him for roughly the past week. The only thing, the only person he really had left to turn to was his close friend, Tickety Tock. Suddenly faced with the possibility that the toll on his body might be affecting his mind, Slippery decided to sleep on the thought of Steve being a danger, probably not to himself but to many others in the house. The next morning, Slippery's delusions are seemingly confirmed as Steve accidentally knocks Tickety off her usual place on the nightstand and down to the hard floor she would go. And just like that, Slippery Soap was pretty much all alone. At the time of its posting, the "Sixth Night" didn't have much room to breathe to really allow viewers to process the entire ordeal of Tickety's tragic demise as OMJ would post the finale episode later on that very same day as a surprise to all of its readers. Nevertheless, both episodes would rake in 7 likes each, just one shy of the series' premiere. OMJ once said that he took a huge gamble making that decision, but in the end, he felt that it paid off quite well. Tonight's finale of "Slippery Smooth" will be the ultimate culmination of everything that has happened to our friend Slippery thus far. It is a final chapter of nightmares, thrills, laughs and even a touching tribute to the original series itself. We do hope that you enjoy it now as much as you did then. Also originally posted on March 23, 2013, this is the "Seventh Night". The trailer opens up to Sheldon jail breaking his way into Jenny's OS, recklessly tinkering wit her primary functions. If you enjoy being reallyscared Sheldon: Yes! Finally, with these slight modifications, Jenny will practically throw herself at me! Ahehehe! Now I'll be the first member of the robotics team to lose his virginity! And I'll be able to rub everybody's big, fat fucking noses in it! Especially Brad's, that fucking fuck! Why didn't his parents just go and name him Chad?!... Yeeeeaaah, he will be the very first! If you are unafraid of the unknown Cuts to Sheldon and Jenny in the back of Sheldon's mom's minivan. If you found a friend in fear Sheldon: Was the last 30.097 seconds as great for you as it was for me? Jenny: ...No... Sheldon: WHAT?! But I- I can fix that! *grabs motor oil* Jenny: No, it's not so much that, it's just...I can't feel great. I don't feel anything... Sheldon: I can help with that...in ways Dr. Wakeman never could... Jenny: Yes... Then we have a friend for you Suddenly, Sheldon's dick gets shredded as Jenny activates her built-in pencil sharpener. He screams as blood splatters all over the van's interior. Jenny: YOU CAN! Jenny activates her buzz saw and hacks away at Sheldon. JENNY Brad: Hey Jenny! Earth to Jenny! Are you gonna help me dissect this frog, or am I gonna have to take all the credit for this myself? Jenny: I got this one, Brad. Jenny ejects an incisor out of her finger that already has some dried blood on it. Jenny: What do I need to cut out first? Tuck: Brad, have you noticed anything strange about Jenny lately? Brad: She is lookin' a little thicc in the good. Wakeman doin' her body some good. I dig, I dig! From the creator "The Killer Krab" Dr. Wakeman: XJ-NION! Where on earth did you get this skin suit?! It certainly isn't one of MY designs. Jenny: It's just something I got from Sheldon! Dr. Wakeman: Be careful around that one, dear, he gives me the heebie jeebies... And "Slippery Smooth" Brad: JENNY?! You're out here lookin' like the third Crust Cousin! Jenny: You mean that it doesn't look good? I'll just have to some material that contains a little less "plastic". Comes his most terrifying creation yet Brad: Tuck? Tuck?! Where did that little shit run off to? Dr. Wakeman: It's gone! We'll all be fair game if we don't restore it to its proper working order this instant! Brad holds what little that's left of Tuck in the palm of his hand. Brad: Why Jenny?! He already had it rough with his size as it is! Jenny: With the strength of a million and seventy men, I guess I really shouldn't complain. But still, I wish I could go for a walk without rusting in the rain... Jenny throws a basketball at Dr. Wakeman full force, causing her head to explode upon contact. Jenny: IT'S ENOUGH TO FRY MY BRAIN The abomination that was Jenny runs Brad's skull against her built-in cheese grater. Jenny: Welcome to my life The flesh and metal-ridden abomination goes to devour Brad whole. MY DEATH BY A TEENAGE ROBOT SHE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU May as well. I love that mentality. Seventh Night I should probably elaborate that this is supposed to take place later on in the evening, technically during the same day that Tickety got got. Steve trotted into his bedroom after another exhausting day of playing Blue's Clues since he has no day job Well, it's true. while Slippery simply laid in the bath tub, not feeling like his usual, bubbly self. He was far from being a full bar of soap. He has thinned out considerably and it has taken its toll on his well-being. Slippery, now alone with Steve...and Blue, Ohhh, we haven't seen much of her outside of Night Four, and for good damn reason. Dat slow burn will be so worth. felt as if his world has come crashing down on him. The friends he have come to know and loved, all gone just like that. Let's get an F in the comments. Steve: Hey Slippery! Steve yelled as his trotting footsteps can be heard making their way towards the bathroom. Slippery's eyes widened at the sound of it and something snapped in him. Slippery realized he had his chances to escape the Steve residence all along, Should've listened to old Mr. Jenks but he was too afraid to make the mad sliding dash for life. Slippery remembered the time where Steve's game of Blue's Clues led him to take a trip to the beach and how he left everybody else behind except for him, Shovel and Pail (of course) and some animals he met after skidooing into a painting. Your basic episode of Blue's Clues in a nutshell. Slippery made a promise to Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, Tickety, Mailbox and all the others that they, too, will have the chance to go to the beach but that promise sadly went down the drain. Well, y'all, we's goin on a feels trip! Slippery didn't want to end up like his friends, he wanted to continue slipping and sliding. He didn't want to feel low anymore. Slippery wanted to live, for all of them. He chose life! The goddamn Daniel Bryan of Blue's Clues right here! And with all the bubbles he could muster out, he picked him self, washed himself off Ooh, risky ass move in his current state, but very admirable. and made a mad dash out of the bathtub. He slid out of the tub and underneath the sink right as Steve trotted inside. Steve: Slippery? Are you here? Steve asked before staring off into the distance to consult his "friends". Steve: Do you know where Slippery could've gone? They fucking better not. Blue suddenly came in and slapped a paw print onto thin air, signaling the start of another game of Look at that! Just look at how that's written! She paw printed the air, itself! Blue is fucking S-tier in this shit! That by itself tells you that she is knows more than Steve does himself and she's just a bitch! She knows what Slippery is up to, she knows and she's gonna play games with him! The fucking confidence! The ultimate fucking antagonist taking on the ultimate fucking protagonist. My body is ready! Is your's?! Well fucking get it ready, because it's time for WHO'S CLUES? *hand motions* Blue's Clues! LETS FUCKING GO! LETS DO THIS SHIT! Steve: Now to play Blue's Clues we've got to find a, uhhh? PAW PRINT! A paw print! And that's our first, hmmm...? CLUE! A clue? A CLUE! Then we put it in our notebook! Because it's *hand motions Blue's Clue's! *hand motions* Blue's Clues! You know what to do! Steve then trotted out to the living to get down on his Thinking Chair and think. Think. Thiiiiiink. Okay, I skipped a couple verses there, but you get the point! Slippery took this opportunity to slide out to Steve's bedroom. He saw something that really caught his watery eyes. Slippery was overjoyed to see a familiar clock face on the dresser at Steve's bedside. It was Tickety, good as new! WH-WH-WH-WHAAAT? Slippery couldn't believe it. He slid over to her in hopes of finding just what happened considering everything that had happened. I'll let that poor structure slide like Slippery just for tonight. He approached her with everything, Unlike this lit, Slippery don't play no long game! but Tickety just looked at the bar of soap, confused, as if she thought he was crazy. Tickety: Who are you again? *shatters into more pieces than Tickety did last chapter* The clock asked. Slippery's foamy heart sank as it seemed as if Tickety really had no clue who he was. No, don't. Don't take this moment away from Slippery past me! I will kick my own ass if I do! Slippery tried tugging on her wind up key in order to help her remember but she simply knocked him off the dresser in disgust. Tsk tsk tsk. aww, he tried to turn back time! There's no superman'ing their way out of this one. Broken in more ways than one, Slippery heard footsteps trotting back into the bedroom and he covertly slid his way past Steve as he came trotting in for clues on Slippery's whereabouts. In the clear for now, Slippery slid his way to the living room as Steve met up with Tickety, who instantaneously had a paw print on her. Ohhhohhhooohhhoo man! That bitch fucking works fast. Steve drew her in his handy dandy *pause* Notebook with a smiley face, Bitches love smiley faces, I can proudly confirm that they don't. before consulting Tickety. Tickety: Hi Steve! Steve: Hey Tickety! Do you happen to know where Slippery Soap could be? Tickety: A bar of soap was just in here but he took off right as you came. fucking SNITCH! Some fucking Randall from Recess bullshit! Steve then proceeded to help Tickety with something menial, like arranging clothes in his closet My Blue's Clues shade was on point. while Slippery met up with another familiar face in the living room. It was Sidetable Drawer! Slippery hugged her before she pushed him off by opening her drawer. Sidetable Drawer: You're getting my wood wet. Pause. Slippery tried explaining everything to her but she was like "WHAAAAAT?" dat Spinny award-winning detail. Sidetable: Look, I don't know what you're talking about, little bar of soap. Slippery pulled her back open to see that the Handy Dandy Notebook was gone. "Steve must be looking for me", he thought. Slippery knew full-well how every game of Blue's Clues ends, but he vowed that this particular game will result in Steve losing. Those are some surprisingly tough odds. Behind every Steve, there is a Blue the leash. He closed Sidetable, who was no too pleased about someone forcing her open, Well, let's just hope that your joints never freeze too. and slid off into the kitchen where he came across more familiar faces. It's Mr. Salt, Mrs. Pepper, Cinnamon and Parika, Again?! Now this, I won't let slide. Completely unacceptable! You all deserved better than this then. the Shaker Family! Slippery slid up to them in excitement, glad to see them together again. He tries explaining the whole situation to them, but Cinnamon and Paprika began crying at his story. Mrs. Pepper: I don't know who you think you are, monsuier but you shouldn't talk about such things in front of children! Zink of ze children! Mr. Salt: I believe you should get going, monsuier. Apologies to any and all Frenchies here. More trotting footsteps can be heard coming from behind as Steve made his way into the kitchen. Need to recharge himself, he grabbed Mr. Salt and poured some salt onto his soapy body because that's some pretty technical chemistry stuff right there, I'm sure. I'm STILL not sure. Mr. Salt: SACRE BLEU! Slippery dropped Mr. Salt to the side, which is bad luck by the way, Well, that's it. That's a wrap, folks! and with one long slide across the table, managed to propelled himself out the window and into the yard right as Steve arrived on the scene. Mrs. Pepper instantaneously had a clue appeared on her as Steve plays the guessing with his "friends" as to where the clue is even though its right IN FRONT OF HIS FREAKIN FACE! Seriously, Steve dumb. Steve took out his Handy Dandy *pause* Notebook! before proceeding to draw Mrs. Pepper like his French girls. Now this is a joke I can always look back on with pride. Steve: Have you guys seen Slippery Soap around here? Mrs. Pepper: A rather rude bar of soap was just in here. He scared my children half to death before violating my husband! WHOOOOOAAAAAHHH! Slippery lost himself some supporters there. Mr. Salt: We went flying outside right as you came in! Hoho! what the flying fuck, past me!? And what the flying fuck, past everybody else too?! This was universally praised btw. Fucking botched lines like that! Steve proceeded to sing a melody about healthy snacks with Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper You know what song I'm talking about if you're a real one. while Slippery slid around in the yard, coming across more familiar faces at the sandbox. It was Shovel and his sister, Pail! That was specifically written in that way just to spite Trophy since he commented that he hated Pail when Night Five got posted. Slippery approached, overjoyed to see them still intact. He begins telling the, about the recent happenings, The story of people's childhoods, yeah, because it's written like IT WAS BY A CHILD but they're just as clueless about him and his story as the others were, but then again, when aren't Shovel and Pail not clueless about anything? WHOOOOOOAAAHHH!!!!? That's actually a compliment...I think...? He tells them that he saw Steve bury their broken parts in the sand and begin digging for them as Shovel and Pail tell the crazed bar soap to get out of their sandbox. A look of horror covered their faces as Slippery does indeed dig up the broken parts that was Shovel and Pail still in the sand. They're heeeere! under thee sandbox! Shovel and Pail: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Shovel and Pail screamed in unison horror God, just pick one word and stick with it. as they hopped off in fright. Slippery nearly jumped back in his bubbles at the sight, confused as to what's really going on here, but it suddenly hits him right as he gets whacked to the side of the sandbox by a heavy paw. Slippery comes to and sees himself face-to-face with...Blue! Go get 'em tiger! Big green screen fight coming up! Steve's dog pounces at him and grabs him up in her mouth, thrashing him around like a chew toy. Slippery saw his life flash before his eyes, but then he remembered something. That promise he made earlier to his fallen friends. With a renewed resolve, That quickly? Just like that? okay Slippery springs back with more fight and washes Blue's mouth soap. This is my legacy here, fucking wonderful. Blue drops Slippery onto the sand as she winces from the taste. Slippery finally gets her to buzz by squirting her in the eyes with some soapy water. *buzz off Blue hops off, her eyes burning and with a bad taste in her mouth oooohhh, in more ways than one! She ain't gonna forget that! as Slippery rolled around into the sand to help recharge himself in another display of his chemistry brilliance before noticing something blotchy and his chest. Slippery knew the mark all too well. He has been marked with a paw print, the final paw print in this game of Blue's Clues at that. This is like Arthur Morgan getting tuberculosis in Red Dead Redemption 2 five years before Red Dead Redemption 2. Slippery figured it must've happened when Blue whacked him earlier. Slippery knew that this made him a hell of a lot more susceptible to Steve's range and he knew that Steve always finds a clue sooner or later. Slippery tried wiping the paw print off him but it was no good. Slippery had to approach the rest of this game with caution. Jesus, even I'm putting a bowl of onions in my own room right now. Steve: We are gonna play Blue's Clues because its really fun! Oh, piss off! You and your continued misuse of it's! Slippery heard as he could see Steve trotting over from the distance. Slipper slid for it and covertly made his way into the house through the kitchen and back into the living room. Mail Time! MAIL TIME! MAAAAAAIIIL TIIIIIIIIIIIME! shit. "This wasn't good", Slippery thought to himself as Steve came jumping into the living room like a bat out of hell in excitement. Steve: THE MAILS HERE! Slippery: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! And boom goes your cover. Slippery screamed to himself before sliding behind the Thinking Chair as Steve wagged his tail and wailed "MAIL" in order to get Mailbox into the house. Mailbox: Hi Steve! Steve: Hey Mailbox! Mailbox: Here's your letter! I didn't write any playful banter for them other than this? This is my legacy, this is what people remember fondly. After Steve opens his video message from a bunch of little kids taking a bath, wtf since these letters have something to do with the game somehow, well that makes things all better then. he trots back into the kitchen to continue the game. Before Mailbox can get back outside, Slippery stops him, overjoyed to see Mailbox is well, as well. He tells Mailbox about everything, but Mailbox laughs it all off in true Mailbox-fashion Vintage Mailbox and tells the bar of soap that he should lay off the bath salts. Holy shit lol I totally forgot, I made this joke. See, bath salts were timely! Slippery asks Mailbox if he remembers him and how they used to play sports on weekends. Mailbox took a couple of moments think, think thiiiiiink about it. Mailbox: You must be Slippery Soap! Overjoyed to know that Mailbox still knows him, Slippery goes to hug his father-figure. Mailbox: Here's your letter! Mailbox says before dropping a "Bath & Bodyworks" catalogue subscribed by Slippery. Ohhhh! Man, that just hits you in your soul. Mailbox proceeds to head back outside. Slippery attempts to slide up on him to be taken outside as well, but he falls short a few inches and plummets to the ground as Mailbox leaves without him. ♪and IIIIIIII will go beeeeeeaaaaach nooooooo moooooooooooooore♪ All hope seems loss for Slippery as he begins breaking down in the middle of the living room. ???: You know what? You're really smart. Slippery looked up, confused as to where this unfamiliar is coming from. He turns back to see that it's... The Thinking Chair! top 10 anime reveals Thinking Chair: Slippery, if you use your mind and take a step at a time, you can do anything that you wanna do. With a bit of renewed hope, Slippery musters his strength once again to win this game of Blue's Clues no matter the cost. He notices a picture of the beach mounted on the living room wall. Slippery knew what he must do, he must skidoo like Blue can too. Then I don't see that victory lasting for long. ???: A CLUE! Slippery looked around to see where this other unfamiliar voice was coming from. He turned back to the Thinking Chair to see that it has gone back to being its idle self. Well thanks for all the help. He heard another, more familiar voice coming closer. Steve: What was that? ???: A clue! Slippery hid on the side of the The Thinking Chair as Steve comes trotting back into the living room. Steve: You see a shoe? ???: No! A clue! Steve: Oh, you see a clue! Where? ???: Over there! Slippery couldn't recognize these voices, but a bad feeling in the pit of his suds knew who they were from the way Steve was consulting with them. They must be Steve's "Friends". If you're wondering why Slippery hears these kids all of a sudden, it's because of the fact that Slippery, himself, is an actual clue now so he's now a much more active part of the game rather than just being a bystander like he usually is. Slippery finally acknowledging the existence of these friends is supposed to convey something similar to a bad omen. Slippery's seen what Steve has been capable of while under their influence in previous chapters. It's meant to really ramp up the hopelessness as if I hadn't done that enough already. Steve: Where? Steve's Friends: Over there! By the Thinking Chair! Slippery's heart sank at the mere utterance. Steve's friends knew where he was, the fright nearly freezing him in place. Steve: By the Thinking Chair? Steve made his way to the Thinking Chair. Slippery seen him coming and made his way to the right armrest as Steve checked by the left. Steve: There's nothing here. Steve's Friends: Its over there! On the other side now! Steve quickly ran to the other side, Slippery mustering all the energy he could in order to barely slide over to the other armrest. Steve: You guys must be seeing thing- *pushes the Thinking Chair out of the way* AHA! WHOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHH jumpscare. Steve shouted, finally catching sight of the third and final clue, Slippery! Slippery: WHOOOOOOAH! and boom goes the dynamite. Slippery shouted, jumping back in his bubbles. Steve: Now it's time for our Handy Dandy- Steve's Friends: NOTEBOOK! Steve: Right! Steve took out his notebook and proceeded to doodle Slippery down, for the memories. jesus, that's dark. Despite being fatigued after all he's been through during the game, Slippery slowly slid his way to to beach portrait, messing up Steve's drawing in the process! Steve: Will you please stop moving. I have to re-do this now. Steve said, turning over to the next page of the notebook. pro gamer move by Slippery there. Slippery finally made his way to the portrait, struggling to catch his breath as Steve is distracted with his artwork. Slippery had trouble remembering the proper words in order to skidoo. Slippery gets it wrong the first five times as Steve puts the final touches on his drawing. dat tension tho Steve: If you skidoo, Blue and we can too! And with that, it came back to Slippery. He performs the jig and dances steps and finds himself skidooing into the picture, but a hand firmly grasps him, preventing him entry into the picture. Steve has gotten hold of him and won't let go. *shatters once again* He doesn't even need to take a minute to think on the Thinking Chair to know where this is going. Just hit the porno music while I'm at it. Maybe it'll get Aya to actually like this. Steve: We are going to take a bath because its really fun! Can't let this story end without another wrong its! Steve sang to himself as he escorted Slippery back into the bathroom. Right as they got inside, Steve threw Slippery into the tub water and began to take off his clothes. Slippery floated to the water's surface, gasping for air. He could barely move himself but he still made an effort to climb his way out of the tub as Steve was busy shaving even though he thinks of himself as a kid, like us. dank Clint's Hints reference. Slippery reached the rim of the tub and descended hard onto the floor, sliding behind Steve. If this was going to be the end for ole Slippery, Slippery is gonna take Steve with him. Wait, what? Steve finished up shaving and turned back to go into the bathtub, but he steps on Slippery, somewhat crushing the thin bar of soap as he fell hard to the ground. Steve: WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH! Poetry has never been in more perfect motion! The force causes Slippery to slide closer to the bathroom door. Slippery sees this opportunity and crawls for it, slowly sliding his way to the door, but before he could leave a few familiar faces trotted in and blocked his way. Steve stirred around on the ground and took notice. Steve: Hey look...our friends are here! Blue, Tickety Tock, Shovel, Pail, Mr. Salt, Mrs. Pepper, Cinnamon, Parika, bloody hell and Mailbox were standing by the door, here to check up on Steve like how the people he helps out usually do at the end of the actual episodes. This is literally the worst possible for one of these moments. There was no way out for Slippery. Steve came to and picked Slippery up from the ground before taking him back into the bathtub as his friends stick around and watch like they usually do at the end of the actual episodes. Well, it's true. Steve: Now it's time for so long! Steve began to lather Slippery against his skin. Slippery: WHOOOOOAAAH! *winces* Steve: But we'll sing just one more song. Thanks for doing your part, you sure are smart! Steve begins scrubbing Slippery between his toes, breaking the thin bar of soap apart at the seams. Slippery: whoooooah... *cringes* Steve: You know with me and you and my dog, Blue! Blue jumps into the tub with Steve as Steve rubs what's left of Slippery onto her. The worst insult. The absolute fucking worst. Steve: We can do anything, that we we wanna do! Slippery's "whoahs" finally dies down as he crumbles and dissolves into the bath water, inevitably going down the drain. *fucking dies inside* Steve: We can do anything, that waaaaAAAAnna do! will that be the official last botch? Somehow I doubt it! Goodbye! So long! Worst. Blue's Clues. Ever! Steve's friends begin to back out of the bathroom as Steve closes the shower curtain and continues sing as he takes a bath. Blue jumps out and closes the door as the storybook credits roll before closing the book next to a paperback copy of "Corduroy". Oh, there it is. That's Corduroy. Yep. 10/10 cameo. Can the librarian go ahead and kindly move this lit to the "where dreams go to get fucking murdered" section, please Remember that book, kids, and the happy ending it had? Don't remind me! Meanwhile, back in the Steve Residence. Don't, man. Don't bring me back here so soon, man! Steve finishes drying himself off and puts on his green striped robe before noticing his now empty soap dish. Did I really have to the turn the dagger like this? Guys, I'm sorry I put you through this. To the homie Steel, especially. Steve: Now I can't have that. Neither can us, Steve. Neither can all of us. He says to himself before heading into the storage closet and pulling out a small box. He opens it and pulls out a brand new bar of soap and places it on the soap dish. New Slippery: WHOOOOOAAH! Hi Steve! The only meaning this has to me is that this'll officially be the last time that the dynamite ever goes boom. Steve: Hey Slippery! Steve greets before turning off the lights and trotting out of the bathroom. And the cycle continues as does the world continues to turn. Fucking horrible. Fuck me, mang. If I had known that THIS is what I put you all through at the time, I would've never done this. Those are my final thoughts. Good night. The Die-In's closed. Ben Mankiewicz: By the time it was all said and done, "Slippery Smooth" came to be remembered as a huge hit for Old Man Jenkins. At least, it was remembered as such for a couple of weeks until "Community Deathmatch" took the entire SpongeBob Community by storm. The part of the Thinking Chair, who throughout the entirety of Blue's Clues was never implied to be sentient, was a particularly challenging role for the old man to cast. He only knew that it felt right to bring another 90s children's icon in. And after making some right calls to the right people, OMJ somehow managed to land a real man of science for the coveted guest spot. Paul Zaloom, famous for his title role as Beakman in "Beakman's World", lent his recognizable voice for those two entire lines of dialogue. "Beakman's World" > "Bill Nye the Science Guy". I can only recommend that you refrain from making the old man change his mind about that. One last interesting note before we cordially cap this series off, the inspiration for the lit's title came from none other than another 90s classic about a dog, "Courage the Cowardly Dog". Don't believe me? It was far from thethe first time that the old sought direct inspiration from that particular series, as fans of one his first lits, "Post Fiction", can attest to. The majority of Imposter SOF's dialogue was composed almost entirely of Eustace Bagge soundbites, right down to the main character's trademarked weapon of choice; "me mallet". If you made it this far, then we'd like to thank you again for joining us in celebrating "Slippery Smooth". At the top of tonight's broadcast, I promised a "special announcement" for the end of tonight's Die-In festivities, so I am pleased to announce that one more Die-In Theater event has been added, currently scheduled to take place on Friday, October 30th. The featured event for that night will be OMJ's scary story contest-winning short story, "Family Reunion". We invite you to come join us as we look to work up one more scare before Octerror Fest is over. Absolutely not! OMJ barges into the TCM studios living room set. I will NOT be put through that again! Not by you! Not by TCM! Not even by Fathom Fucking Events! This shit's over! Ben Mankiewicz: OMJ, please, let's try and be civil about this. Civility died when Slippery Soap did! One obligatory badly choreographed fight coming up! OMJ throws hands at TCM's Ben Mankiewicz, who manages to dodge them all quite handily. Ben Mankiewicz connects with a hard punch to the kidney, followed by a chop to OMJ's throat. He then grabs OMJ by the arm and twists it, sending OMJ through the coffee table with a powerful judo throw. Ben Mankiewicz steps away to compose himself, but OMJ comes lunging back in. WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH! Ben Mankiewicz simply side steps the rushing attempt and sends OMJ flying through the set's window. Ben goes around the back of the set, picks OMJ off the ground and throws him back into the set through another window. Ben Mankiewicz bends down and clobbers OMJ's face in with stiff palm strikes. The force of these strikes is enough to absolutely obliterate OMJ's nose. Mankiewcz twists his body around and effortlessly locks OMJ in a triangle choke. Ben Mankiewicz: Surely we can find some other way. OMJ: Did Slippery find another way?! Ben Mankiewicz: How's about this for some middle ground? You open up the Die-In Theater one more time, and I'll go put in a word with the powers that be at TCM about having "Slippery Smooth" immortalized in the Criterion Collection. OMJ: Deal. We'll see you on the 30th, everybody! Bye! See you there!
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