Clappy’s New Crap Cinema

[Macseed]

R.I.P

April 24, 2012 - January 12, 2013

[Clappy]

Part 2 of my 3 Part surprise.  I honestly wouldn't have gotten a good portion of likes without my old review thread.  I have been very tempted lately to bring it back.  But after I re-watched a very bad movie out of boredom the other day....very bad...I decided this really needs to come back.  I don't know why I changed it.  I don't know why I stopped it.  But this is returning with a very deserving welcome back review for a very certain bad movie.  I mean look at some of these reviews the critics are saying:
 
"Please, Hollywood, if there's to be another movie, hand the job to some efficient hack, and not to a once mesmerizing artist who's lost his way" - Richard Corliss, TIME Magazine
 
"This is a kid's movie that doesn't seem to realize that it's a kid's movie." - Dave White, movies.com
 
"A horrific mish-mash of genres that follows a depressingly large number of dead ends in adapting its source material." - Mike Edwards, Culture
 
"The film is an unmitigated disaster, a putrid patchwork of the original series stitched together by wretched performances, bad creative decisions and a story that's all exposition, no depth." - RL Shaffer, IGN
 
"It's rare to see a film so choppily edited, poorly scripted and spastically directed that you can barely understand what you're watching." - Rafer Guzman, Newsday

 

 

What movie could this possibly be?  Feel free to speculate because the review is coming soon in the next few days.

[terminoob]

Spy Kids 4.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Would it happen to be that one that we were supposed to co-review once upon a time?

[Doctor Sex]

Electroma

[Clappy]

OMJ knows.

 

Spy Kids 4.

No but they do have that movie at gas stations now for $2.99.  I almost bought it for review material.

 

 

Electroma

What is this?

[Doctor Sex]

What is this?

Daft Punks other movie thats arthouse trash 

[Metal Snake]

Is it The Last Airbender?

[SG19]

Is it The Last Airbender?

Congrats, you win 3 brownie points.

[Clappy]

…………………………………………..it’s time.

 

 

Back during the original Crap Cinema run last year, I had god knows how many requests from so many of my loyal fans.  There were two requests that were often made the most.  Any movie from M Night Shyamalan’s library of bad flicks and B-movies that I don’t recognize (thanks Elastic and Sex).  I decided for my return to go with the former.  Out of all the Shyamalan flicks, this was the one most requested.  Hmm gee I wonder why?  To point out the obvious, it’s because it is one of Nickelodeon’s most cherished properties.  Only three Nick shows ever won a Kid’s Choice Award for Best Animated Show: Rugrats, SpongeBob, and Avatar.  The three most obvious shows that would make it on a Nicktoon version of Mount Rushmore (the fourth probably being Ren and Stimpy). 

 

This may have only won that KCA once, but holy shit does it have one hell of a fanbase.  I’m not afraid to admit that in all my years on internet forums, Avatar has one of the most dedicated internet fanbases I’ve ever come across.  Their fans cherish this property and I’ve even seen some people back on my tv.com days call this show the Holy Savior of Nickelodeon during it’s darkest days.  Damn, I can’t make this shit up people.

 

So needless to say, when it was announced that this was becoming a trilogy for Paramount and Nickelodeon Pictures in late 2006, the fanbase collectively rejoiced and watched this project closely.  However, cause for concern struck in 2007 when it was announced that the studios hired M. Night Shyamalan as director, writer, and producer.  Now if this was five years ago, anticipations would be much higher, but of course, this was very worrisome news because of what I like to call, Shyamalan backlash.

 

In 2002, M Night Shyamalan was huge.  After coming off three massive hits in The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Signs, he was being compared to the second coming of Steven Speilberg.  But it was soon after that the backlash started.  Sure Signs was a box office smash, but think about it, was the movie really all that good?  I mean the “plot twists” in that movie were really really…implausible.  I mean aliens get third degree burns from water?  They can’t open doors?  Mel Gibson’s wife foreshadowed all this?  As you ponder that, allow for me to mention the movie that really started the Shyamalan backlash.  The Village.  I never actually sat through all this from beginning to end, but damn does the movie piss so many of my film friends when I bring this one up.  Heck if my friends don’t have enough credentials for you guys, Roger Ebert had this movie on his Most Hated list.  This is Roger Ebert were talking about people, the most recognized critic of all time (R.I.P.).  Then in 2006, Lady in the Water was the first official Shyamalan financial flop; only grossing 42 million dollars when it spent over 100 million in producing and advertising.  Then another financial flop came between filming sessions in 2008 with The Happening.  So needless to say Shyamalan needed a hit badly.   

 

So before I start getting to the actual movie, I want to point out the most obvious flaw with this movie.  The casting controversy.  The casting of white actors in the Asian-influenced Avatar universe triggered negative reactions from most fans.  Me?  I wish he would show the same amount of dedication he showed to having the pronunciations of “Aang” and “Sokka” apply to the race of his casting choices.  I agree that the fans have a right to be pissed off.  There are perfectly capable Asian child actors out there that could have filled these parts perfectly.  However, what bothers me even more is that Shyamalan wanted to mess around with the pronunciations of the names of the characters when the actors of the characters are clearly not of Asian decent.  I think that is even more racist than the casting choices to be completely honest.

 

Now onto the movie riffing.

 

 

Btw, get use to listening to Katara’s narration.  She keeps narrating…and narrating…and narrating…and narrating.  Which btw, after rewatching this movie again recently to write this review, I finally figured something out.  I figured why they kept having the over repetitiveness.  The constant recapping to remind us what we just watched.  It’s because of this:

 

 

It’s that previously on Avatar sequence from the animated series.  I will be damned.  They actually made a major motion picture of television episode introductions.  They should have named this “Previously on The Last Airbender”.

 

So yeah, after the opening narration…and my sudden realization, we are then lead to…BAHAHAHA….this:

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t find the movie image of it, but yes.  Shyamalan calls this Book One.  Calling it that right off the back eh?  Shyamalan must have really been that confident that he was going to get the sequels.  Pretty hilarious knowing how universally hated this movie ended up becoming.

 

Fourteen-year-old Katara (Nicola Peltz) and her fifteen-year-old older brother, Sokka (Jackson Rathbone), are near a river at the Southern Water Tribe, a small village in the South Pole.  Katara is a water bender and Sokka is pretty much useless.  While hunting, they discover an iceberg.  What does Sokka do?  He starts poking at the ice.  OH COME ON.  EVEN I KNOW THAT IS NOT HOW IT HAPPENS. They start to runaway like pussies because of Sokka’s stupidity and the iceberg shoots a beam of light into the sky. Inside of the iceberg is a twelve-year-old boy named Aang (Noah Ringer) and a giant flying bison named Appa. Unknown to them, Aang is the long-lost, mighty Avatar — the only person on the planet able to "bend" all four elements. One hundred years have passed since the Fire Nation has declared war on the other three nations of Water, Earth, and Air in their attempt to conquer the world.

 

Zuko (Dev Patel), is an exiled prince of the Fire Nation on a quest to find the Avatar and bring him as prisoner to his father, Fire Lord Ozai (Cliff Curtis), so he can return home. Seeing the light that appeared from Aang's release, Zuko and some Fire Nation soldiers arrive at the Southern Water Tribe to demand the villagers hand over the Avatar. Aang reveals himself as he surrenders himself to Zuko on the condition that he agrees to leave the village alone. On the ship, Aang is tested by Zuko's paternal uncle Iroh (Shaun Toub) to confirm him to be the Avatar. After being informed that he is to be their prisoner for passing the test, Aang escapes using horrible CGI and his glider and flies to his flying bison brought by Katara and Sokka.

 

Aang meets up his new friends visit the Southern Air Temple where they meet a winged lemur, who Aang later names Momo. Aang also learns that he was in the ice for a whole century and that the Fire Nation wiped out all of the Air Nomads, including his guardian, Monk Gyatso.

 

In despair, he enters the Avatar State and finds himself in the Spirit World where he encounters a Dragon Spirit that tells him that he only knows Airbending, and that he also needs to learn Waterbending, Earthbending and Firebending in order to become a fully realized Avatar. The Dragon Spirit tells him that he should learn Waterbending first, and that the best teachers are in the Northern Water Tribe as there no more experienced, master waterbenders in the Southern Water Tribe.  WELL NO SHIT!  That was exactly they were doing before he had to seek consoling from The Dragon Spirit.

 

To seek shelter, Aang's group arrive at a little Earth Kingdom village controlled by the Fire Nation, and they are arrested because Katara tries to help a young boy escape from a Fire Nation patrol soldiers.  This leads to one of my most facepalmy sequences of the movie since I can’t find any of the others on YT.

 

 

“SO AANG, ARE YOU THE AVATAR!?” – Wasn’t that already established Sokka you dumbass?

 

“HE WAS BENDING STONES BEHIND A TINY TREE!  IT HURT!  BENDING IS FORBIDDEN IN THIS VILLAGE!” – She’s a boy?!  Seriously look at IT!  That hair is misleading.  Plus you are in the Fire Nation.  How the hell is bending forbidden in your village when you have fire benders living in it?!

 

“NO ONE IS TAKING ANYBODY AWAY!” – Yet again Sokka, you are taking the stupid young she-male away from the village.  Also, you are sounding mighty robotic with that threat.

 

“SHE’S A BENDER!!!!” – Come on, you can’t watch that soldier be intimidated by laughable CGI and not start cracking up.

 

“KATARA!?!?!” –

 

 

They incite a rebellion by reminding the disgruntled earthbenders that earth was given to them.  THESE HAVE TO BE THE DUMBEST FUCKNIG EARTHBENDERS I’VE EVER SEEN!  Gonna take another side note to mention how Shyamalan has once again fucked up the source material.  This scene was based on an episode of cartoon where they were held captive on a Fire Nation naval vessel which was made of metal which they were unable to bend.  So there inability to fight back actually made sense.

 

Katara is given a Waterbending scroll that she uses to greatly strengthen and hone her Waterbending and help Aang learn….WHICH IS ABSOLUTE CONTRADICTION ONCE AGAIN BECAUSE AANG WAS ABLE TO PICK UP ON THAT EASILY IN THE CARTOON.  As they make their way to the Northern Water Tribe and liberate and secure more Earth Kingdom villages in the process, weakening the Fire Nation's food and water supplies.

 

During a side track to the Northern Air Temple on his own, Aang is betrayed by a peasant (Randall Duk Kim, who really needs a better agent after appearing in Dragonball Evolution too.  Which btw, that’s future Crap Cinema treatment as well.) and captured by a group of Fire Nation archers, led by Commander Zhao, a Fire Nation Commander appointed by the Fire Lord.  Once again, based off another episode of the cartoon and once again handled much better there than it is here.  Sensing a recurring pattern obviously, right guys?  

 

However, a masked marauder, the "Blue Spirit", helps Aang escape from his imprisonment. Zuko is the masked vigilante, and Zhao realizes this. He arranges to kill the prince. but Zuko survives the assassination attempt on his life with Iroh's help. He sneaks aboard Zhao's lead ship as his fleet departs for the Northern Water Tribe, which is a heavy fortress, to capture the Avatar.

 

Upon arriving, Aang's group is welcomed warmly by the citizens of the Northern Water Tribe. Immediately, Sokka quickly befriends the Northern Water Tribe princess, Yue and uninspiring romance ensues.  Their chemistry is not as interesting as watching paint dry. After a few agreements, a Waterbending master, Pakku, teaches Aang waterbending. Katara also becomes a much stronger and more powerful waterbender due to her training with Master Pakku.  This means no more freezing Sokka unfortunately.

 

Soon, the Fire Nation arrives and Zhao begins his attack while Zuko begins his search for the Avatar on his own. After defeating Katara in a battle, Zuko captures Aang as he enters the Spirit World to find the Dragon Spirit to give him the wisdom to defeat the Fire Nation who tells him to let his emotions flow like water.  So you can defeat fire with water?  That’s what your great meditation process taught you?  NO FUCKING SHIT!

 

Returning to his body, Aang battles Zuko before Katara freezes him. Before leaving to join the battle, Aang lowers the ice so that Zuko can breathe.  I mean hey Zuko survived an assassination, he could have held his breath for that long of a time as well.  As the battle escalates, Iroh watches Zhao capture the Moon Spirit, with which its Ocean Spirit counterpart had assumed the form of a fish. Despite Iroh's pleas, Zhao kills the Moon Spirit to strip all of the Waterbenders of their powers and abilities to Waterbend.  Iroh gets mad and uses fire to scare him off.  Hey Avatar fanboys, I know what you’re thinking.  Every firebender can conjure up and manipulate fire in the cartoon.  In the movie, they are treating it like, WHOA he can summon fire.  Hence this image:

 

 

All hope is loss, but Yue explains to everyone that the Moon Spirit gave her life.  She is willing to give it back as she dies in the process. With the tables turned, Zhao finds out Zuko survived. They almost fight before Iroh appears and tells Zuko it's not worth it. Zhao is drowned by Waterbenders after Zuko and Iroh leave him to his fate. Aang remembers his life before being trapped in the ice, including when he left his home, seeing his master's face. With his Waterbending powers and his emotions "flowing like water”, feel free to insert your own sarcastic reply here, Aang enters the Avatar State and raises the ocean into a gigantic wall in order to drive the armada back...which I will actually admit was a really cool CGI sequence.  Maybe if they put as much effort into making the fight sequence CGI less cartoony, they could have at least had a visually good movie.

 

So yeah, since this movie was made in mind with a sequel coming, Aang now fully embraces his destiny as the Avatar as he, Katara and Sokka prepare to continue their journey to the Earth Kingdom to find an Earthbending teacher for Aang. The Fire Lord learns of the defeat, and angry about the betrayal of his brother Iroh and the failure of his eldest son Zuko, he tasks his youngest daughter Azula to stop the Avatar from mastering Earth and Fire before the arrival of Sozin's Comet, which she accepts and gives a sinister smile.  This was also what Shyamalan was doing as he knew how much he pissed off the Avatar fanbase with this movie.

 

 

The five Sandlers are not overreacting.  They aren’t bias.  This movie truly deserves all the hatred it gets.  I wouldn’t consider myself an Avatar fanboy by any means.  I haven’t seen all the books, but I have seen enough to know how fucked up this was.  Shyamalan, you dipshit.  You had the source material right in front of you.  How hard is it to simply not fuck this up?  I know you get a lot of crap for your plot twists and lazy writing.  But this?  This is just inexcusable.  You tried fitting twenty half hour episodes into one hour and a half movie; which equals to one rushed project.  I mean it sticks to the story fine, but it doesn’t hold true to the source material with all the noticeable quirks that irritate the fanbase’s knowledge of the project.

 

I am also being far too lenient on the dialogue.  I didn’t riff it enough in my movie summarization.  This has to be some of the worst dialogue I’ve ever listened to in any movie.  The lazy dialogue could have been saved if the acting was any good, but that acting.  My God, I’ve seen better acting in porn.  When you have horrible dialogue and bad acting together at once, it gets unbearable to sit through.  Most of it is because of the children who look absolutely lost, devoid of motivation, or just simply doing it for the paycheck.  Shyamalan, you casted Haley Joel Osment, Rory Culkin, Jesse Eisenberg and Abigail Breslin in your past films for god’s sake.  You use to have an eye for good child actors.  What is your excuse for Noah Ringer and Nicola Peltz?  Both of them are absolutely horrible.  You even managed to kill Dev Patel’s momentum.  Oh and the worst of all.  Jackson Rathbone.  His portrayal of Sokka is worse than I’m letting on.  Didn’t Shyamalan see any of the Twilight films?  He’s one of the most wooden actors in that series and he is just as wooden, if not worse here as he is in that franchise.

 

So yeah, fuck this movie.  Just watch the cartoons.  And one last thing.

 

 

It just fits the universal summarization of The Last Airbender perfectly.  Now hopefully Shyamalan can’t sink any lower than this.  This has to be rock bottom.

 

 

Why do you keep having me contradict myself Shyamalan?

[terminoob]

I'm of the opinion that Shyamalan didn't even watch the show, and instead went off a bunch of notes and some character design sheets that Nickelodeon sent him. There's absolutely no way anyone who actually watched the show could butcher the movie so badly.

[Old Man Jenkins]

[Clappy]

Eh I still hated my scene more, but this is high up there.

 

Btw guys, I'm going to give you a heads up to my next review out of wanting to share the love with you guys.

 

[terminoob]

Eh I still hated my scene more, but this is high up there.

 

Btw guys, I'm going to give you a heads up to my next review out of wanting to share the love with you guys.

 

 

Are you implying the Doug movie is not the pinnacle of cinematic excellence?

[Clappy]

Are you implying the Doug movie is not the pinnacle of cinematic excellence?

Implying.

I just have been watching a lot of Nickelodeon themed movies lately. Granted everyone knows this was Disney's Doug, but I'm grouping it in anyway.

[Elastic Dawg]

I must be the only one who liked Disney's Doug.

[Metal Snake]

Nice comeback review! I'm not a huge Doug fanboy, I'll confess, but I do want to see your review of the movie. It's passable in my eyes, but NC's review of it is one of my all-time favorite reviews of his, and I want to see how you pull your own review of it off.

[Clappy]

So aftert to two months without an installment, this is returning. Sorry for the delays, but:

-I got distracted with my music reviewing.

-Doug's 1st Movie did not have the first 1/5 and the last 1/5 of the movie on YouTube =\

-I lost my copy of my back up review movie "Ready 2 Rumble"

However, thanks to the magic of Netflix, I found a movie that deserves to be riffed by me. Review coming in the late afternoon or evening.

[Clappy]

So aftert to two months without an installment, this is returning. Sorry for the delays, but:

-I got distracted with my music reviewing.

-Doug's 1st Movie did not have the first 1/5 and the last 1/5 of the movie on YouTube =\

-I lost my copy of my back up review movie "Ready 2 Rumble"

However, thanks to the magic of Netflix, I found a movie that deserves to be riffed by me. Review coming in the late afternoon or evening.

Well this didn't happen, but my review is finalized. I just need to add a few things to it. So coming before I leave for 1-2 weeks after this Wednesday, a review of Spy Kids 4-D: All The Time in the World.

[Clappy]

So yeah…after two failed attempts at movie reviews couldn’t get off the ground, I need to find some worthy material.  Off to Netflix I went and boy did I find plenty of movies alright.  Hell, I heavily considered reviewing a more recent spoof movie called “A Haunted House”.  Oh boy, that was easily the worst movie I’ve seen this year.  But here’s the thing.  It’s hard to review spoof movies because almost all of them are awful these days.  I can only beat down spoof movies to death before they become over-redundant in terms of descriptions.  But then I went to my recommendations.  I was being recommended Family movies because I’m not afraid to admit I dig through the children’s programming on there once in awhile.  I love my vintage cartoons and Netflix has a good library.  But as I was going through my recommendations I came across a sequel.  A sequel that was actually guessed upon when I revived this thread.  Terminoob, what was your guess again?

 

terminoob, on 07 Jul 2013 - 9:06 PM, said:

Spy Kids 4.

 

 

Good job buddy.

 

 

I don’t even need to worry about the 4D aromascope and neither should you guys.  I knew the movie smelt like shit the moment I saw the trailer two years ago.  Funny, but true story like I told terminoob up there.  As I was driving on my way back from Florida this summer, I stopped by a gas station somewhere in South Carolina.  As I was looking for some 5 Hour Energy and snack food to keep me active while driving, I noticed they had cheap DVDs for sale.  Of course, being the movie buff that I am, I couldn’t help but dig around the bargain bin to see what was being offered.  And what did I happen to come across?  This piece of crap.  Not even two years after it was released, it was already being sold for $2.99 at crappy gas stations.  I think it just had to be destiny that I would come across this movie again on Netflix.

 

Step one as to how I know this movie is god awful?  Well you have Jessica Alba as the main credit.  Guys, I understand.  Jessica Alba is incredibly hot.  She will always have that going for her and I don’t mind spending a hour and thirty minutes just simply staring at her dazzling beauty.  But for the love of God, we need to stop giving her the impression that she is a good actress because let’s face it, she’s awful.  She always has and I have never been impressed by her.  Not even in her breakout role in Sin City.  She gives the same blank acting performance in every single movie she’s in and she’s on full display here, especially in action scenes.  You know, action scenes; where you have to act like you give a damn no matter how awful of an actor or actress you are.  She can’t even do that right here.

 

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pqdKg_pSzU

 

OSS agent Marissa Wilson (Jessica Alba), is attempting to capture a criminal named Tick Tock (Jeremy Piven), who purchases a mini-disk stolen from OSS. Despite being nine months pregnant, and despite going into labor, she continues her pursuit, against the admonitions of her boss, Danger D'amo (also played by Jeremy Piven) and Tick Tock is captured. At the hospital, Marissa meets her spy-hunting TV host husband, Wilbur (Joel McHale) and her two stepchildren by him, twins Rebecca and Cecil (Rowan Blanchard and Mason Cook). After giving birth to a girl called Maria, she decides to retire.

 

Marissa views a television news report stating that time is speeding up really fast. A masked mastermind calling himself the Time Keeper.  And now let’s make that three parts played by Jeremy Piven.  Good god man, there better be a good payoff as to why you are playing three different roles in this movie because your audience is not this stupid.  As long as they are not all the same person, no movie would have that stupid of a plot twist…right? 

 

Anyway, go figure, The Time Keeper/Jeremy Piven is allied with the now escaped Tick Tock/Jeremy Piven.  He claims responsibility for the phenomena, saying he will unleash Project: Armageddon, as punishment upon a society he believes wastes time with meaningless pursuits instead of treasuring time with their loved ones.  You know that’s the theme of the movie and it’s not that bad of one, but good god do they drive the point home multiple times in the film.  They keep referencing it over and over again that I don’t blame society for not spending time with their loved ones thanks to this movie.

 

The OSS calls Marissa back out of retirement, and instructs her to bring the Chronos Sapphire with her. When Marissa requests it from Rebecca, it further strains their relationship, and when Marissa arrives at OSS headquarters with Maria, she discovers that the box Rebecca gave her did not contain the jewel.  Gasp!  You mean you wouldn’t check the box before you brought it to your boss?  Especially since she did THIS PRANK to you minutes before this happened?

 

 

Yeah have I mentioned yet that Rebecca likes to prank people?  That’s her character.  A prankster.  They just throw that out of nowhere, just like I’m bringing this up out of nowhere.  Oh and how about Cecil.  Does he have any characteristics?  Well he’s hearing impaired, but we never know why and how.  They just bring it up once in the movie.  That’s it.  Just all these characters are so horribly put together it’s really hard to have a bond with any of them.  Not even old characters brought back like Carmen and Juni.  Oh and the usual Robert Rodriguez special, the Danny Trejo cameo as Uncle Machete.  However, everyone is now use to this Machete instead of the Spy Kids Machete:

 

 

Anyway, back to the movie:

Before Marissa can return home, Tick Tock's henchmen break into their house, and Rebecca and Cecil are directed to take refuse in a secret Panic Room built into their home, where they view a video of Marissa informing the children of her secret career. The incredulous twins are further shocked when their dog, Argonaut, begins to speak, revealing himself to be an intelligent robot.  This brings the only silver lining in the whole movie because Argonaut is voiced by Ricky Gervais.  Ricky Gervais has perfect comedic timing and is always a pleasure to hear in this dreadful movie.  Which makes me wonder, why is Ricky Gervais in this in the first place?  Eh, I’m not going to question it and just enjoy Gervais as much as possible.

 

The twins escape the house and head the OSS, managing to evade pursuit by the Time Keeper's masked minions with…vomit (I wish I was making this up people).

 

Spoiler

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2Zqye55cEg

 

 They are greeted by Carmen Cortez (Alexa Vega), who reveals that she is Marissa's niece, and that Carmen Cortez sure has grown up.  Hubba hubba.

 

 

Carmen gives the twins a tour of the now-defunct Spy Kids Division, and the weapons its juvenile agents used before budget cuts shut it down. Carmen lets the twins each pick out one deactivated gadget as a souvenir.  I sure hope these gadgets come in handy later in the movie. #obviously #sarcasm

 

After a battle at a clock shop the OSS agents are debriefed on the Wells Experiment, which almost caused the end of the world. The OSS shut down the experiment and placed the device under lockdown. Among the agents assigned to the case is Carmen's brother, Juni Cortez (Daryl Sabara), who has been on a secret mission, and hasn't seen her in seven years. Bitter over their estrangement, she tosses his ID badge in the garbage out of spite.  Ugh, there is nothing as awful as forced conflict.  I’m serious.  He hasn’t seen her in seven years, so she is mad at him!?  I mean he is doing his job for god’s sake and I’m pretty sure in one of the earlier Spy Kids movies (correct me if I’m wrong), Carmen was the one who made a comment about how spy duties come first.  KEEP UP WITH THE CONSISTENCY ROBERT RODRIGUEZ!

 

The twins are relegated to their waiting room, and when they confront Danger D'amo over the fact that his watch is similar to the one worn by the Time Keeper, and the fact that his name is an anagram of Armageddon, he confirms that he is the Time Keeper, and imprisons them.  So Jeremy Piven is Jeremy Piven and Jeremy Piven.  Also, keeping track, the stupid plot twist I called earlier is correct.  Anyone with half a brain would have figured out that all these Jeremy Pivens would be intertwined into one Jeremy Piven, hence making Jeremy Piven the main villain.  So when Jeremy Piven turned on the OSS to align with Jeremy Piven and Jeremy Piven, this resulted in this:

 

 

When a group of OSS agents led by Marissa, Carmen and Juni return to the clock shop to confront the Jeremy Piven, he freezes the agents in time using circuitry in their ID badges that he can control with his watch., and does the same on a more massive scale to 18 major cities around the globe. Juni, however, whose badge was thrown away by Carmen, is still free, and manages to free Marissa and Carmen.  BOO!  BOO!  YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME MOVIE!  THIS TWIST IS WORSE THAN THE JEREMY PIVEN ONE!

 

Danger reveals to the twins that his father was the head of the Wells Experiment, and that he was the boy frozen in time. His father spent the remainder of his life trying unsuccessfully to set him free. The OSS managed to shut down the experiment with the Chronos Sapphire, which fell to Earth as a meteorite. After the family stops all the Jeremy Pivens from ending the world Carmen and Juni announce that they will lead a revived Spy Kids program, while Rebecca and Cecil go on to become recruiters of new agents themselves.

 

Thus that was Spy Kids 4…and you know what?  I think four is an accurate number.

 

 

 

 

 

My god was this a boringly awful pain in the ass.  Spy Kids should have never became a trilogy, let alone having a fourth movie.  This series lost it’s charm a long time ago and a revival didn’t do anything but make this series even worse.  The new kids have no charm let alone redeeming qualities, the old kids act like oblivious dumbasses, the multiple Jeremy Piven plot twist is horrendous, and Jessica Alba’s acting is just abysmal.  I don’t care if she’s hot.  If I never see her “act” in a movie again, I’ll be perfectly content.

 

However, I think the main problem with this movie is Robert Rodriguez.  I haven’t been impressed with Robert Rodriguez in nearly a decade (except for Machete, which is only ok).  Long gone is the man who made some of my biggest guilty pleasure films like Desperado, From Dusk Til Dawn, The Faculty, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Sin City, the original Spy Kids just to name a few.  What has he done since then?

 

-Shark Boy and Lava Girl

-Shorts

-That awful Predators remake

-Machete Kills

-Planet Terror

 

I’m sorry, but Robert Rodriguez has stopped trying to make good movies.   Quit making shitty family comedies and cheap schlock films.  Give me my sequel to Sin City that you have been promising for the past decade.  Then you can do whatever the hell you desire.  I’m just tired of this guy being given so much praise when he hasn’t been trying to make good movies in quite some time.  Robert Rodriguez, hopefully Machete Kills bombing at the box office has waken you up.