Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Jjs Goodman]

Down Under

22. Last Day on Earth

Spoiler

Previously on Down Under... Hassan’s bloody ways are shown and he meets a new woman, Avril, who apparently shares his murderous behavior.

[Hayden: Reminds me of how Wumbo was described as murderous for reacting to the death of his family.]

[SOF: So did she turn into a monster too? What, is this Supernatural?]

[Metal Snake: All she did in the last episode was defend him and herself from a monster. Murder is the unjust killing of the innocent, not bloodthirsty assailants, why does this spin-off not seem to understand that?]  

[JCM: Out of all the shared interests you'd want to have with a woman, I doubt murder would be one of them. You'd have to sleep with one eye open every night and it would just be exhausting.]

Meanwhile, back at camp, the users discover newspapers from the current date, showing that Bikini Bottom is still apparently functioning as a city.

[Metal Snake: Enough “apparently” spam, please. It’s bad enough having to read this word incorrectly used to describe something that’s obviously true, like in ATTWL 3. It’s even worse having to read it used to describe something that’s obviously not true. How is an undersea city functioning fine atop Mt. fucking Rushmore?]

[JCM: Apparently tvguy really likes writing "apparently".]

[SOF: Please elaborate on this 'apparently', because I don’t think describing much of this as ‘possible’ is appropriate.]

[Hayden: Tvguy can't choose between making Bikini Bottom a bustling active community, or making it a desolate wasteland of destruction and terror.]

More paranormal occurrences happen, including one where Mothra is body-slammed into a table and Abney, SSJ, and herself are locked into a tent. A sexual relationship is revealed, between CF and Clappy.

[Metal Snake: You need not remind us about the furry porn.]

[SOF: Oh, enough with that porn already, that's disgusting.]

[JCM: JCM, that's-oh god, I almost did it to myself.]

[Hayden: Did what to yourself? JCM, that's gross.]

Steel and Clappy fight, after Steel thinks CF is cheating on him, even though they were never together.

[SOF: Uh, yeah...this is the worst conflict I've ever read. Fighting over CF...just because she & Clappy were together BEFORE they met? Wow...]

[Metal Snake: Easily one of the worst character conflicts in this story, and that’s saying a lot. Just...look at this sentence. READ IT. He thought she was cheating on him...even though they were never together. I don’t even need to bring up that it was never said or even hinted once that Steel had a crush on CF, the sentence itself is an inconsistency.]

And in a shocking ending, The Mastermind is revealed to be Daniel Corozona,

[JCM: who]

[Hayden: Hassan's really jealous that he didn't get to keep being major enough for this role.]

Daniel being a man The Mastermind apparently killed earlier in the series!

[JCM: oh, okay then]

[Hayden: "Apparently" Tvguy still thinks saying apparently fixes every goddamn plot hole.]

[SOF: You mean that guy who ACTUALLY WAS DEAD in Episode 4....HOW THE FUCK DID HE SURVIVE/COME BACK TO LIFE?! And on top of that, HE WAS BARELY DEVELOPED.]

[Metal Snake: From Episode 4…

“Daniel collapsed onto the book shelf behind him, dead.”

...Except he killed him for real. We saw it happen, there was no wink or nudge that he might have survived, he actually died.]

And in the end, Daniel reveals to 70s a coverup that is a threat to everyone not just in the sea, but in the world. This coverup involves the legendary Holy Grail, Philosopher’s stone, and extra terrestrial life. Where do things lead now?

[JCM: Why am I asking you all these questions?]

[Hayden: Things likely lead in the complete opposite direction and you ignore this recap, considering your writing pattern.]

[SOF: Are you trying to reference Harry Potter, Monty Python, and Lord of the Rings all at once? Regarding LotR, The Mastermind can be Sauron and 70s can be Frodo since Dylan is trying so hard to write him as the “chosen one”, the prophesied hero. So cliche.]

[Metal Snake: It’s funny, because even though that’s obviously meant to be a rhetorical question, I can answer it very easily by myself. Nowhere. How can things possibly go anywhere from here?

“Apparently”, no one can summarize the plot of this story, much less explain how this story started off as, “SBC users get sucked into Bikini Bottom”, and ended up becoming, “SBC users and SBM users get involved in a conspiracy concerning artifacts from Indiana Jones and Harry Potter and aliens”. Don’t even read the joke I just made, read what 2011!tvguy just wrote. This show is a joke now, it’s devolved into a bad spoof of itself and it’s literally making me laugh right now with how hilariously bad it is. It’s no wonder the show ended shortly after this laughably awful twist, it’s just...unbelievable.]    

(S2E2) Episode 22: Last Day on Earth

[SOF: The last day of riffing the Big 3, y'all!]

[Hayden: Welcome to The Walking Dead finale....er I mean, the Down Under pre-finale. Though now that I think about it, this show ambles on like a zombie.]

[JCM: That was just the recap? Man, I was already prepared to be done with this.]

On his usual spot by the fire, Wumbology lay on his back, staring at the starry sky. It was beautiful; dark pink, blue, and green flowers floated lazily across the ocean abyss, not a trouble in the world. Sadly for Eric (Wumbo)

[SOF: Thanks for telling us your name and giving us an obvious reminder. It doesn't even really matter if we don’t use our real names because we're in the internet, right?]

[Metal Snake: Thanks for the reminder, but we’re not going to be confusing him with Eric Cartman any time soon.]

it wasn’t that simple. Suddenly, a scream erupted, ripping Wumbo from his ponder session.

[JCM: "Ponder session". Sure. We knew you were jacking it.]

[Hayden: Jacking it in a pond.]

“Eric!” screamed Pixie, running towards him.

“What, what?!” he said.

“You’re on fire! Get up! Get up!”

[JCM: Sounds like the lyrics to every generic pop song ever.]

[SOF: "Dude, I know I'm on fucking fire, man. Don’t worry about me, I’m just bored."]

He looked down and saw that his feet

[Metal Snake: Fins. I can’t believe I still feel the compulsive need to correct mistakes like this after all the fish/human confusion in this show.]

were ablaze, smoke drifting up. It hadn’t arisen any alarm to him, simply because he hadn’t felt anything. Pixie splashed some Kelp Shake on it, and the fire disappeared.

“What the hell, Wumbo?” said Pixie, panting in fright. “How could you not know that you’re on fire...?”

[Metal Snake: Better question, if we’re underwater, how can there be fire?]

[JCM: Now he has bronchitis. Ain't nobody got time for that.]

He said nothing; he just twitched, ever so slightly.

[Hayden: That's my reaction every time there's a scene like this.]

(theme plays)

(“What the Hell” by Avril Lavigne plays )

[Metal Snake: You said it, Avril Lavigne.]

[Hayden: The new character Avril is in this part, isn't she? Subtle.]

Hassan rolled out of bed and got a mouthful of dirt. He sputtered and then raised his head, feeling great. Sex with Avril was like a bubble of bliss. All of Hassan’s worries melted away for the night he spent with her. It turned out Avril was a carnivorous Adlet; a bloodthirsty canine. Avril was feisty in bed.

[SOF: Oh jeez...here comes another boring sex scene. Wasn’t Hassan supposed to be like a bounty hunter sent to kill everyone after he betrayed them? How did that lead to this shit? I don’t know, just fucking skip it.]

[Metal Snake: Uh...I hope you’re not talking about Avril Lavigne.]

[Hayden: An adlet? Way to make another plain werewolf sound unique. So vampire Hassan is boinking a dog. It's like Twilight if the two dudes had just hooked up and left the girl to die on land.]

“Sweety?”

[JCM: Sweetie]

Her voice cut the air like a knife. “What are you doing on the floor?”

Hassan groaned and rolled back onto the mattress. They had found the thing with springs poking out in a gross junk yard just out of town. On the way, they’d each killed a child and dragged the carcass’ into the junk yard where they feasted.

[JCM: Just because.]

[Metal Snake: ...I’m sorry, is this supposed to be erotic? There’s nothing arousing about that, that’s just fucking disgusting. I have nothing against fetishes in general, but I draw the line at child murder. Holy shit.]

[Hayden: Glad to see tvguy continuing to write authentic and likable OC's, while writing Hassan just like Hassan is in real life. But seriously, even 70s knew how to draw a line with supernatural fuckery. This story constantly makes me question 2011 tvguy's sanity and morality.]

“Honey?” Avril said, a hint of concern now sprinkled in her smooth voice. “Are you alright?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you alright?” she repeated.

[Metal Snake: Seriously, you’re trying to get us invested in the conflict of these bland profligates who murder children for fun? I don’t care if they’re alright, hell, I don’t care if they die of Hepatitis B. I just want Boring Sex Scene #24 over with.]

“Oh. Oh yeah. I’m perfect. On top of the whole world, babe.” He looked over at her and grinned.

“Mhmm,” said Avril. She stared at him for a few moments before decided

[JCM: deciding]

her boyfriend was fine. She leaped off the mattress and landed in her monster form.

Hassan looked at her from behind. She’s even sexy in that hideous monster outfit!

[Hayden: Outfit?]

(“What the Hell” by Avril Lavigne ends)

[JCM: But the "what the hell" moments will never end.]

----

[Metal Snake: Oh thank God that’s over, I certainly was in no mood to read Boring Sex Scene #25.]

[SOF: I also thank God it’s over. The last thing we ever need to see is Boring Sex Scene #26.]

(“Holy Ghost” by Bar-Kays plays)

Bishop George Knowles paced back and forth in his excessive office. Knowles was now seventy six years old; today was his birthday. He was entirely bald, with a greasy scalp that glimmered whenever the light caught it. He wore a blood red cloak with a golden rope tied around his throat. He had two sapphire rings on each of his index fingers and long, brown nails. Knowles feet left sweaty footprints on the tiled floor, for he was wearing no shoes.

[Metal Snake: ...Or read excruciatingly pointless setup for Boring OC #26.]

[SOF: Oh, hey OC #21558.]

[Hayden: Ew, old man feet.]

Suddenly, the dark red, maple doors to his office bursted open and another elderly man, in the same attire as Knowles, walked in. The difference between the two was the fact that the new man had a bright red turban placed on his otherwise bald head.

[JCM: The turban is my new favorite character.]

[SOF: What, are these two related? Are they related to the plot? This has nothing to do this anything.]

[Metal Snake: ...Why do I get the feeling that tvguy was self-aware that the turban was more interesting than both these characters combined?]

“Vwat is va meaning of vis!?” he demanded, holding a crinkled piece of parchment in his right hand. His forceful voice was plagued with a heavy German accent.

[Hayden: I'm sure tvguy, master of research, knows how to write other cultures non-offensively.]

Knowles looked at the man with tired eyes, sighed, and then adjusted his focus onto the paper. He took the paper from the other man’s hands; he folded his hands, and smirked. As Knowles read the paper, his mouth dropped open and the wrinkles around the hole in his face creased.

[SOF: Wat? No, seriously...WHAT? What’s on the paper?! Is this supposed to actually tell us what’s going on here?!]

[Metal Snake: He had a hole in his face? News to me. Or were you just trying to be funny in describing his mouth?]

“So... vwat does it mean?”

[JCM: Vwat does it mean indeed.]

[George Knowles: Vwy are we in this SBC literature? Vwe have better things to be doing.]

George Knowles, age seventy six exactly,

[Metal Snake: Past!tvguy, just because we find these exposition dumps boring doesn’t mean we don’t read them. We already had his age figured out after you told us the first time.]

[Hayden: His exact age doesn't make him compelling.]

suddenly collapsed onto the floor. His corpse hit the floor in a boom of black powder. The other man backed away, eyes wide and jaw hanging. He bumped against the maple doors just as an air shattering scream roared from the old geezer’s gullet.

[SOF: RIP George Knowles, we hardly knew you.]

[Metal Snake: Rest in peace George Knowles, we knew you very well from that dull and needless scene.]  

(“Holy Ghost” ends)

----

(“Something to Die For” by The Sounds plays)

Redman wore the same wine red attire as he always did. He smirked and strolled into a dark, shabby cell. 70s sat in the corner, chained to a stone wall.

[JCM: Least erotic fetish fiction ever.]

[SOF: Ah yes, this so-called villain that my past self was talking about. Heh, I bet he's partners with the killer in the black suit from ATTWL 3. Now THAT would make the subtitle, “Red and Black” fitting.]

“Is this how Daniel has left you?” Redman chuckled.

“Left? He’s in the other room.

[Metal Snake: The context of the question still makes sense, smartass. You can leave someone in a room adjacent to you.]

And who the fuck are you?” 70s examined the blood suit.

[Metal Snake: You don’t recognize the man one of your friends tried to turn you into?]  

[Hayden: He's Blueman.]

“Well, I go by many names.” He looked around and noticed a splintery wooden chair against the opposite wall. He grabbed it, swung it around, and sat down.

[Metal Snake: ...And got splinters in his ass, the moron.]

[Hayden: Now he can bleed red out his ass.]

“What exactly are you looking for? What kind of name?”

[JCM: Call me Ishmael.]

70s stared daggers at him. “Enough fucking games. Either you’re someone I need to know, or you’re someone I can ignore.”

[Metal Snake: OOH WE GOT A BADASS]

“Fair enough,” Redman agreed. “I am Redman.”

[Metal Snake: “Yeah, I’m just going to tell you my identity because you asked so nicely.”]

70s forced an painfully fake laugh. “Redman?” He chuckled again.

[JCM: That's not the only thing about 70s that was painfully fake.
 
Yes, I brought up Calvin again, and I will keep bringing it up until someone stops me.]

[Hayden: 70s, you have no room to be a riffer in a story you've narratively contributed a lot of errors to.]

“It’s not any better than “that70sguy92”,” he sneered.

[Metal Snake: Right you are. In fact, it’s a lot worse. At least some inspiration went into “that70sguy92” rather than just slapping “X Color” and “Man” together.]

[SOF: Nor is it any better than any other simple compound name.]

70s remained silent.

“Just so you know,” Redman said. “Wumbology, Eric... I murdered his wife and daughter.”

[Metal Snake: “Yeah, I’m just going to tell you this because Wumbo or terminoob should have told you this earlier.”]

[Hayden: Do something new already Redman, just referencing that doesn't up your cred.]

And just as quickly as he had come, Redman got up and left.

[JCM: And just as quickly as it began, another pointless scene ended.]

[Hayden: YAY, A "MAJOR" VILLAIN CAME TO GIVE OUR "PROTAGONIST" AN EXPOSITION DUMP I'M PRETTY SURE HE HEARD BY NOW.]

(“Something to Die For” ends)

-----

(“The Last Day on Earth” by Kate Miller Heidke plays)

[Hayden: Wherever we are, it's probably not Earth or anywhere worth having another day in.]

Jelly and Pixie awoke to hazy morning, the sun peeking beautifully out from behind the clouds.

70s hung from his chains. He felt like crying.

Ginger sneaks off from camp, apparently switching sides yet again.

[Metal Snake: Jesus, this girl really is giving SBC Parallel Universe!Mothra competition for the most two-faced bitch to ever be in an SBC story.]

[JCM: My money's still on SBCPU Mothra. She was terrible.]

[Hayden: Isn't it too early for the end of chapter skimming over of extraneous elements and side plots?]

Bob Ball, The Mastermind, and Redman lean over a map.

The Doodles, Jonathan, and Percy’s group plan and plot.

[SOF: Percy? I thought he was dead...]

The gang at camp waits in anticipation, scared, confused and unknowing.

Deli stares up at the stars, crying.

Clappy and CF slowly kiss in a tent and Clappy removes his shirt.

[SOF: JCM, that's gross.]

[JCM: What did I do this time?]

[Metal Snake: Enough porn...SERIOUSLY.]

[Hayden: Clappy then erotically smacked CF in the face with his nipples.]

Wumbology sits in pure thought about his family. He will have The Mastermind bring his family back to life and then kill Redman.

[Hayden: 5 star plan. Because if you can't trust Redman, you can trust the ally he's leaning over a map with.]

-----

As Frederick fell over the railing,

[Metal Snake: ...Wut. When did this happen.]

several things flew through his head. For one, he wondered if the group of kids he’d slipped the Holy Grail and Philosopher’s Stone into would notice the two legendary items.

[Metal Snake: They wouldn’t because you never did that, it was never hinted that you did that, what. the. fuck.]

Frederick had owned both of them since he brought them into existence. He had created the two most well-known items in the universe.

[Metal Snake: ...WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.]

[JCM: You just weren't there to see it, Metal.]

[Hayden: I'm so out of it that I don't even remember a Frederick in this. I can't tell between old OC's and new OC's anymore.]

The whole damn universe! That included Frederick’s “aliens.” Yup, just about everyone in the scientific community rejected his sightings and explanation.

[SOF: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! WHEN AND WHERE DID THIS HAPPEN?! THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!]

Now, he splatted on the deck and awoke in a fishing boat off the coast of Japan.

[Hayden: Japan, men with german accents, zoos in LA, and Bikini Bottom. What do these all have in common? They were written by a very unstable writer.]

-----

Deli, Ex, Sabre, WWESponge, and SBRox

[Metal Snake: ...WWESponge and SBRox?]

sat around a game of Eelz and Escalators

[SOF: Are they going to play Go Fish next?]

[Metal Snake: Is this a running gag? Introducing new characters who will have no impact on the plot by having them play games in the background? What’s the point of having characters play games in the background at all?]

while The Cartoon hurried up to Wumbology with a newspaper clutched in his hand.

[Hayden: The Cartoon cameo! Remember that guy?! Many say his appearance here in Down Under made him a global superstar. Others say things like Down Under made him flee SBC.]

“Oh, the new one,” Wumbo said and reached for it.

“No,” The Cartoon said. He shook is head and his eyes were filled with worry. “This one is different. Read the headlines.”

[JCM: Reading is for yellow bellies!]

[SOF: Huh? Different newspaper? You mean like an entirely new one? It's the same thing.]

[Metal Snake: Why would a new newspaper not be different from an old newspaper?]

He handed Wumbology the newspaper and watched as Wumbo’s eyes filled with a different kind of worry. A different kind of panic. No, this wasn’t just panic; this was an all-out freak-out, and The Cartoon was scared. Not just for their safety, or his own safety for that matter, but for Wumbology. The things he was dealing with. His wife and child’s killer was right there, mocking him.

[Metal Snake: So...The Redman did something that got reported on the news? Okay, how are we supposed to relate to their terror if we don’t know what he did?]

Come and catch me, a voice said in The Cartoon’s head. Both him and Wumbology

[JCM: he and Wumbology]

froze, but The Cartoon shrugged it off. Wumbo, Eric, however, clenched his fist around the already crumpled newspaper.

[Metal Snake: And I can totally relate to his frustration because it’s established so well what set him off.]

[Hayden: The Wumbo/Eric fetish continues to make terrible sentences.]

-----

DoodleBob leaned against the wall while Percy and Jonathan argued in the corner.

[Metal Snake: Hi unneeded italics, and...Percy? Oh boy…]

They had recently affiliated, the three being the only villains not in a group. Percy had actually been killed. Murdered. Done with.

[JCM: Some other synonym for killed.]

However, Jonathan and DoodleBob had been desperate. Jonathan had carefully performed a resurrection and Percy was now back, walking and talking.

[SOF: Why are these parts in italics? Are we in flashback mode, or...?]

[Metal Snake: Obviously, he wasn’t actually “done with”, because they brought him back. They had been desperate? Desperate to do WHAT?!]

“What is our plan?” Jonathan complained. “WE HAVE NO PLAN. We’re not going to get control if we don’t work for it and get the stone and the grail!”

[Metal Snake: The stone and the grail from one chapter ago? That’s their motive? After twenty-one episodes, it’s decided that these bumbling, D-grade villains need a motive?]

Percy stared at him. He was now thin. Scarily thin. He was balding, and a few of his teeth had rotted and fallen out.

[JCM: I assume Jonathan's a hit with the ladies.]

“Jonathan, we will get control. I can guarantee that. We don’t need to find the grail and the stone when they can find it for us. We just follow them! It’s the easiest---”

“... laziest,” DoodleBob jutted in.

[Metal Snake: Uh...who rattled your chain?]

[Hayden: You know what's lazy? Recycling Spongebob villains.]

Percy glared at him and then resumed. “... quickest, and most efficient way to go about doing it. While we gain strength physically, they will get weak, and when they’re weak... we’ll swoop in and take the grail and stone.”

[JCM: Great plan! I don't understand it and it probably won't work, but it's great all the same.]

[Metal Snake: “So basically, we’ll do this vague thing vaguely that will allow us to vaguely defeat them! Boy, how do I vaguely do it?”]

[SOF: What about the extra-terrestrials? Aren’t they going to have some sort an invasion?]

Jonathan sighed. “I doubt that’ll work. You don’t know The Mastermind and Redman.”

“Don’t act like you do either,” DoodleBob piped up. “We have The Doodles. We have an army. Do they? Nope.”

[SOF: Uh...I’m pretty sure they do have an army. Like, how many users were sucked in here again?]

[Hayden: A BLITZKRIEG OF BOBS!] 

----

(“Mirrors” by Natalia Kills plays)

Wumbology jogged across the camp, screaming at people to pack up.

[SOF: ...Huh?]

[Metal Snake: ...The entire rest of this chapter is not going to be in italics, right?]  

[JCM: Oh, how you underestimate tvguy's incompetence.]

People began to panic, taking down their tents, yelling at others. Dark, black clouds

[SOF: What's going on?]

[Metal Snake: Stygian clouds of charcoal ebony?]

blew in quickly, blotting out the sun. The campfire was put out by the crazy wind. Wumbology ran back to his own camp, dropping the newspaper. It fluttered in the wind. On the cover, it read: “End of the World” and featured a huge pile of bodies in a photo. The bodies were them, lifeless and dead.

[JCM: Everybody run! These guys can do Photoshop!]

[SOF: ...WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! First of all, what the hell are they freaking out about? An alien invasion? WWIII? Don’t tell me they believe that obviously fake photo. Secondly, lifeless and dead? Redundant and redundant!]

[Metal Snake: Two things…

1. Lifeless and dead mean the same thing. First dark and black, now this. What’s next, lifeless corpses of dead cessation? Where’s the Redundancy Department?

2. This is what set him off so much? An obviously fake photograph? In an obviously fake newspaper? These villains who want to kill us are threatening to kill us? Gee, who knew?]

[Redundancy Department: The Redunancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you tvguy in this house which is a house on this block in this street, which is in a town somewhere in the United States.]

[Hayden: So they're dead on the front page of the newspaper. Knowing Tvguy's twists, I can believe they're actually dead. Or maybe it really is just photoshopped pictures of them. If the world ends at least Down Under ends. Good outweighs the bad.]

-----

70s was awoken. Blood streamed from his nose.

[Metal Snake: Ugh...yes, the rest of this chapter is going to be in italics, fuck my life.]

He looked up and saw his world crumbling around him. Shattering, with wood, stone, debris spraying everywhere around him. Doodles poured in from every corner of the cell, and 70s suddenly got very claustrophobic. He stood up, and yanked on his chains... and he remembered his powers.

[JCM: Probably would have been a good idea to remember them earlier.]

[Hayden: HOW DO YOU FORGET YOU HAVE SUPERPOWERS?! 70S IS THE WORST MAIN CHARACTER IN ANY LIT EVER. EX IN SBC PARALLEL UNIVERSE WAS MORE COMPETENT THAN THIS.]

[SOF: Oh right, I totally forgot they have superpowers...I'm seriously thinking about why they couldn't have used it in the past few episodes ago...I guess like 70s, everyone else forgot how to fucking use them too.]

[Metal Snake: Yay, another thing I get to count alongside all the cliche window jumping, painful sex scenes, and pointless OCs if I ever read this again, how many times these characters forget they have powers. Hell, I forgot they had powers. That’s sad considering that even bland characters can have memorable superpowers.]

Thank God, his fucking powers! They’d all forgotten about the powers. They hadn’t gotten control of them. They hadn’t become an instinct; just something that was there.

Minutes later, 70s was free after blowing his bounds clean off. He ran out of the prison and suddenly stopped outside the door. He was in complete darkness. He looked up and felt that claustrophobic feeling again.

[Metal Snake: He saw Santa Claus flying in his sleigh and going, “Ho! Ho! Ho!”, obviously.]

[SOF: Merry Christmas...in spring? At least it wasn't snowing.]

He saw a sliver of light above and realized with a crashing feeling that he was stuck in a deep, deep, sickening trench.

[Metal Snake: So we’re in SpongeBob: The Movie now?]

[Hayden: Use your powers to get out of the trench. Even though I forget what your abilities even were.]

-----

Zoey and Jacob had just finished packing up their tent. Everyone was running around, screaming, trying to get out of the camp pronto.

[Hayden: AHA. THOSE TWO. I REMEMBER THOSE TWO. At least Hassan didn't kill those children.]

“What the fuck is going on?” Greg asked groggily.

[JCM: Do you really think anybody knows?]

“Come on, come on!” both kids ushered in unison.

“I wanna know what everyone is goddamn screaming about first!”

[SOF: I concur, yes, can you actually tell us something? This is giving me a headache.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, I’d hate to see this guy’s reaction to watching a war unfold on a battlefield…

“I wanna know what everyone is goddamn killing each other about first!”]

“Greg, we can---”

There was a boom from the cloudy black sky and a white bolt of electricity washed over everyone. It was so bright. The bolt folded out from the root bolt and covered everyone, much like an umbrella. Users screamed and tumbled everywhere, and suddenly, they were all dead.

[JCM: okay then]

[SOF: ...So a thunderstorm happened under the sea? That’s what caused the apocalypse?]

[Hayden: Tumbling is the number one cause of death.]

[Metal Snake: “A-dee-bee-dee-bee-dee, that’s all folks!”]

-----

(“Rise” by The Frames plays)

The ocean thumped and churned... abnormally. There were constant swells and the people on land began to worry. It was summer. The ocean was usually calm, and perfect.

[Metal Snake: I don’t think the adjective, “perfect”, ever suits the ocean. I mean, all the salt in the water, the pollution, Aquaman being a less-than-effective hero.]

Off the coast of Japan, the waves were the same. Frederick, who had sailed the small rowboat inland, sat on the coast, staring out at the angry sea. There was no blue; only black and a deafening white foam.

Down under,

[JCM: Hey! That's the name of this spin-off!]

[Hayden: I love when names flow seamlessly into a chapter. There's so much DEPTH, when you're Down Under.]

you couldn’t see. It was worse than The Storm. Just constant currents, strong currents, sweeping you away and killing you.

[Metal Snake: Ain’t life grand?]

Bikini Bottom was torn apart, as were Shell City, Conch Caverns, Bikini Top, Kelp Springs, and thousands of other sea cities and states.

[SOF: So if Bikini Top is here too, does that mean BT & DU share the same universe as a whole in-universe?]

[JCM: Might as well put ATTWL3 in there, too.]

[Hayden: Finally, an official ending to Bikini Top that I can really canonically approve of.]

Being transported wasn’t supposed to hurt, but it hurt like hell according to 70s.

[Metal Snake: Excuse me? Transported? You’re not…]

Every part of his body stretched out. He began to bleed, and suddenly he couldn’t breath the water any longer. His gills vanished and were replaced with a nose, and a mouth. He struggled as he shot up towards the surface, jets of water spiraling around him. But once he broke through the water, he didn’t stop. He was careened about sixty feet into the air before he fell back, his arms and legs pinwheeling, as if trying to grab onto something that wasn’t there.

Meanwhile, dozens of bodies washed up on the beaches of Cali. They weren’t dead.

[JCM: That's good to know.]

[SOF: ...no, you can't be serious...]

[Metal Snake: No.]

It’d be a transportation.

[SOF: ....wat]

[Metal Snake: No.]

SG10, Webizoid, WWE, and other users slowly began to regain consciousness.

[SOF: ....this isn't right...]

[Metal Snake: No.]

They grasped the tan sand and began to scream in glee.

“Oh my god! Oh my god!” CF and Clappy got up and kissed. The savored that moment, their actual lips touching. It wasn’t that slippery fish skin anymore.

[SOF: WHAT?!]

[Metal Snake: NO.]

[JCM: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY MAKE THEM FISH AGAIN]

However, on the coast of Greece, The Mastermind, Redman, and Bob Ball all washed up, alive and well. In human form.

[Hayden: *stares at phone and pays attention to literally anything else*]

[SOF: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? GOD DAMNIT.

I can get over the fact that there's just an apocalypse out of nowhere destroying Bikini Bottom, but this....this is fucking bullshit. You can’t just suddenly make EVERYONE return to reality in their human forms to make the problem solve itself. I can't honestly think of what to do with this.

I guess this is how we ended here, fuck this.]

[Metal Snake: STOP TALKING. GO TO JAIL.

This...is INSULTING. Basically, what this spin-off wants us to believe is that the apocalypse happened...and it solved the problem of the series. The SBC users were turned into fish so that they could dick around for twenty-two episodes just to have their problem magically fixed by the apocalypse killing them all. Unfuckingpardonable. That means this whole journey was meaningless, no one learned anything, no one cares. Fuck this.]    

On the coast of Australia, Percy, Jonathan, and DoodleBob (and his Doodles) clambered onto the sandy beaches.

Where was Hassan? And Avril?

[JCM: Nobody cares.]

[Hayden: Hopefully in a gutter.]

Well, I’m sorry to say, but Hassan had completely turned into an undersea monster along with Avril. Despite him being in control of Bob Ball when he was supposed to take Percy’s spot, Hassan had been tangled up in a heap of a confusing mess. He had just wanted to relax with his girl. That was it. So he did.

[SOF: So Hassan stayed with her, still being supernatural. What a great, boring conclusion to boring sex.]

[Metal Snake: You humor me. “I’m sorry to say”, like anyone actually gave a fuck about Hassan and his equally boring girlfriend.]  

[Hayden: "confusing mess" is the only part in that paragraph that jumped out. I filtered out the rest.]

(“Rise” by The Frames ends)

-----

(“Paris 2004” by Peter Bjorn and John plays)

“Um... so are we back?” Ex asked. They all stood in a circle on the beach, drenched to the bones.

“I hope so,” Face said. “I’m wearing the same clothes as when we... got... zapped there.” He glanced at the stormy ocean. The sun, however, was gleaming above it.

[JCM: Zapped where? I doubt you'll end up back in the ocean if you say the word "ocean", unless this show is weirder than I thought.]

“I ain’t hurting anymore,” said Mothra. “It wasn’t a dream...”

“Maybe it was.” They all turned, and saw 70s limping up towards them. “You guys seen the movie ‘Inception?’”

[Metal Snake: Don’t you dare…]

[Hayden: I haven't, so you'll have to explain it to me 70s.]

tvguy, Deli, Ex, and Wumbo didn’t answer. They already knew.

“Yeah,” said Phil. “It was extremely confusing. I had to see it like three times before I finally got it.”

[JCM: Lame.]

“Well, that’s the deal here,” Wumbo interjected. “There was this thing created by this guy named Frederick called The Graveyard. It’s like the dream state in Inception, although much more unstable. Sometimes you can die in there, and sometimes you don’t. The only sure was is to find the person’s main spot for storing files, like memories, and then killing yourself from there. It’s a secret corporation, and 70s began to work for it after quitting his water-park job. He made some modifications to it, which was supposed to make it safer. The Graveyard has already been leaked on the net, and with the right equipment, thousands of people have been able to go in and out. What they don’t know is that they’re actually being transported to these different words.”

[SOF: You’re trying to bring logic into something that had none to begin with, you do realize that, correct?]

[Metal Snake: ...You dared. You’re actually trying to breathe logic into this inconsistent, incoherent dribble. It was all a dream. What a fucking cop-out. Why, why, WHY?!]  

[Hayden: Awww, Tvguy is so cute and transparent.....]

“Through computer software?” asked jjs.

[JCM: Apparently. I didn't read that wall of text, so...]

[Hayden: I'd rather go back to reading Total Cartoon Global Cruise than take a second look at anything typed. Tvguy clearly only looked at what he typed one time, so why should I look multiple times?]

“I know how it sounds, but it’s true. When 70s made these modifications, it changed The Graveyard, for the worse. It made it more difficult to go in and out, and some people have actually been stuck inside The Graveyard. Like us,” Wumbo finished.

“What? But we’re here! We’ve left!” exclaimed Clappy. His arm was around CF and Wumbo felt anger suddenly flood his body.

“This is Level 2,” said 70s. “Look. You can even see the door to Level 3 up there.”

[JCM: Up where? What are you even talking about?]

[SOF: AW, COME ON! THE STORY IS OVER, why don't they just end this never-ending story already.]

[Metal Snake: You can’t be serious. THE STORY IS OVER. Everything we were told that got us into the story in the first place WAS A LIE. Why the hell should we care about anything that happens after? This is sincerely pissing me off.]

They looked up, and saw a tiny trapdoor, about 20,000 feet up. They wouldn’t have been able to see it, but there was a series of blinding lights surrounding it.

“So how’d we come here? To Level 2? And how do we get to Level 3?”

“I honestly dunno,” said 70s.

[JCM: I guess that's that, then. Good night, everybody! This is my last riff. I'm not dealing with this crap anymore.]

“Deli, tvguy, Wumbo, Ex, and I were already messing out with it, but that before I made the modifications.”

There was silence.

[SOF: This felt like a cutscene from a Metal Gear Solid game with how overcomplicated everything was. And saying that is being very generous.]

[Metal Snake: Sad, this is the only part of this scene I enjoyed. Just...silence. It’s beautiful. It’s also the perfect reaction to all this. There’s just...nothing to say.]

------

In the real world, marine workers pull 70s’s limp body out of the aquarium.

~the screen goes black~

[Hayden: 

]

[SpongeOddFan: Five years later, and I still don't understand this spin-off.

*sighs*

My final thoughts? Dylan, I really like some of your spin-offs/lits but....this? This is not one of them. If I don’t even understand the story for legitimate reasons, then something is not right. If I can remember correctly, this is one of the 'Big 3', and we have now finished the trio. And boy, this is no better than the other two stories from the trio. Bikini Top and SBC Parallel Universe had boring characters, out of nowhere scenes, and a ridiculous plot...sounds like Down Under? Wrong, this is worse, at least as I thought.

It already needs to understand how SBC users would really react to being sucked into a virtual world- I mean, Bikini Bottom, but even forgetting that, this is just all over the place. I mean, look at how many inconsistent plots there are? Look at how many pointless OCs there are? Look at how many Chaos Emeralds are there? Joke aside, if you want to make the story better…

At least try to develop the plot, explain what it’s all about, and explain what's going on in each episode using proper storytelling. I can understand that Past!Dylan wanted this to be like Bikini Top...but we all know about that. And it’s no excuse not to have planned the story ahead of time and given it a natural flow instead of forcing it go for a Lost-esque plot filled with confusion.

All I'm saying is this. This is not the worst thing I’ve read, but it's still pretty bad. What else can I say? It has been a wild ride. I'm SpongeOddFan, signing out.]

[Metal Snake: Two years later, and I still can’t find my seat…

My final thoughts? *sigh* Dylan, I meant what I said and stick with what I said at the beginning about you being a good writer. But my God, the writing on this story needed WORK. I went into it wanting to be easy on it, thinking as I prepared to do these riffs that the only major flaw I would find would be the muddled story. But no, the more I read, the more I found wrong with it. There are legitimate reasons to find this just as bad as Bikini Top. Bikini Top’s major flaws, in short, were the unlikable characters, awful storytelling, and being boring.

…..Sound familiar?

All of these characters either had no personality or were just straight-up assholes, ESPECIALLY in the case of the OCs. None of their conflicts were engaging either, with multiple cookie-cutter romance plots that went nowhere. The story was all over the place with mile-wide gaping plotholes (hi Spongebob being Doodlebob), meaningless subplots that were just dropped off like the virus that turned CF and Steel into cats, and worst of all, NOTHING COMING TOGETHER. This was supposed to be a story about SBC users being brought to Bikini Bottom, but so much focus was lost that not only did all these other side-stories build to nothing, we ended up with something worse than nothing, because it invalidated the entire point of the series.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that a story does not have to have a “point”, it can just be mindless fun if it wants. However, that excuse doesn’t work for this show because it did have a point, and even disregarding that, it took its batshit insanity too seriously for it to be considered a sincere parody or a farcical comedy, and just ended up being boring.

And so ends our tackling of the “Big 3”. Needless to say after everything we’ve already said, all three of these stories have aged terribly. I for one DO understand why we liked them back in the day. We were younger, not as mature, and times were different. Back then, we were fascinated by how our spin-offs were evolving from what they were back in the days of TV.com, where most of them were just plot summaries. Back then, just having a story that was as lengthy and ambitious as Bikini Top, Down Under, or SBC Parallel Universe was impressive.

However…

We’re still not entirely off the hook. This was still partially our fault for not criticizing these shows where the criticism was most needed back then. I know there were some users who had issues with these shows, even back in the day when they were still airing, but most of those issues, we kept to ourselves. None of us had the balls to suggest banding together, going up to 70s, tvguy, and Jjs, and saying…

“Hey! What the fuck are you guys doing?!”

Crude...but I feel it gets the point across best. We wouldn’t actually say it like that, but giving them a legitimate explanation of what was wrong with these stories might have helped them.

I know though, the past is the past, and we can only move towards the future. SBC’s writing community may not be at its most active right now, but on the positive side, it’s more open to constructive criticism than it’s ever been. It also pleases me tremendously to see that writing on SBC has become less and less of a popularity contest, trying to be the “Number #1 spin-off”, as the years have gone by, and more about members trying to have fun expressing their imagination and entertaining others. From the looks of it, I don’t think we’re going to have a repeat of what’s happened with the Big 3

That’s just my opinion though. What do you guys think? I am Doctor Metal Snake, and I look forward to hearing from you.

I still can’t get over that though...In-fucking-ception...everything was a dream...just fuck no. Shit.]

[JCM: The most frustrating thing about this spin-off is while it's certainly not the most well-written spin-off I've read, it is one of the most creative, both in its concept and in the writing itself, which uses vivid descriptions, similes, and other types of imagery to really paint pictures in my head, though some of those of those pictures weren't ones I particularly wanted. This spin-off reads like an actual novel a lot of the time, which is impressive considering tvguy was just 11 when he wrote most of it.

However, as much as I liked the style of the writing, it doesn't make up for the fact that all of the characters are uninteresting and the story is hard-to-follow at best and downright incomprehensible at worst. I barely recall half the stuff that happened in the episode I just read, and everything before that is basically just a blur to me by now. I said in the last episode I riffed that reading this has become a chore, and it has. tvguy might have tried a little too hard to emulate Bikini Top, but even that was entertaining during its first season. The second season made me want to claw my eyes out, and while Down Under didn't quite reach those depths, it's certainly not something I'd enjoy reading in my free time.

Overall, Down Under is an interesting artifact of early SBC, and I can understand why it was so popular back then. It, along with Rusty's Rampage Rampage ushered in the SBC-themed literature. Without it, we might not have Community Deathmatch, SBC Falls, or JCMovies (*cough*shameless plug*cough*). So, while I might not respect it as a piece of writing, I do respect it for the influence it has had on SBC, and I do hope tvguy will start talking to me again one day. JCM out.]

One more remains...

Edited May 2, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Hayden]

My last riff in 22 for those wondering.....

 

[JCM]

8 minutes ago, Hayden said:

My last riff in 22 for those wondering.....

 

That's way more exciting than my riff.

[Joe Biden]

Hey all. Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm pre-riffing the final episode as we speak. I have SOOOOOO much to get off my mind about this spin-off.

 

Nice riffs btw. Metal Snake totally killed it and I'm about to do so too.

[Minty Car]

I honestly thought it couldn't get worse then SBC sex, but then we get that Inception based twist? Just wow, what garbage

[Metal Snake]

Enough said true believers, these riffs turned out amazingly. I can not wait to see what all the members riffing the finale think.

[SpongeOddFan]

those were great riifs, can't wait to see the others to riff the finale.

[Jjs Goodman]

It finally ends.

Down Under

23. Setup

 

[Fred: Long before I took this job at Riffing Theater, my dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I told him that I wanted to riff on some cruddy spin-off or literature that some people from a SpongeBob forum made similar to those guys on his favorite TV show, Mystery Science Theater 3000. However, my dad didn’t approve. He told me “Son, I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. Now, I like Mystery Science Theater as much as you do, but you don’t know just what dangers you will face. I mean, sure, there are going to be some easy ones like Patty Daddy and Sponge’s Atlantis, but then, there are the really BAD ones. In fact, one of the dangers you will have to face as you riff on, you will loathe for all eternity. It is so long and so terrible that I couldn’t even make it past the second episode. Its name is…………….Down Under.” 

After the Eddsworld Meets SpongeBob riffs were finished, I thought to myself “Really?! I missed out on the opportunity to riff on that goldmine of bad jokes?!” This spin-off was basically my bread-and-butter. I have a thing for riffing on spin-offs that are short, bad, and lulzy. As an act of redemption, I decided to riff on their next project. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? 

……and now, here I am. At the end of what I think is possibly the worst spin-off I have ever riffed in Riffing Theater history. Is it worse than Eddsworld Meets SpongeBob? I’m not sure yet, though one thing I do know is that this is definitely up there. Now without further ado, let’s finish off this turd.] 

(S2E3) Episode 23: Setup 

[Hayden: Perfect title for the last episode. An episode gearing up for all the empty space that will be in Chapter 24.]

[Jjs: Setup for stuff we'll never get to see resolutions to. What a shame. Yup, this is finally the end, ladies and gentlemen. Much like Bikini Top, tvguy gave this the ax right in its new season without any real closure. Though, I think even he knew that he wasn't going to be able to resolve everything. More on that in my final comment at the end.]

Everything had to be perfect. Everything. Down to the inch. He would kill her if something went wrong.  

[Clappy: Wow, those are some pretty murderous expectations.]

[Fred: Ouch. Killing someone if something went wrong. So brutal.]

[Halibut: The narrator sounds like a douche.]

[Hayden: The perils of perfectionism.]

Debra Childs

[Clappy: Who? No, seriously, WHO? This has to be the laziest introduction to a pointless OC yet…or at least the laziest intro I remember.]

[Jjs: Hooray, yet another goddamn OC! Too bad it's the final chapter, so any new characters will just be padding.]

walked rigidly down the sidewalk of the busy Whittier Boulevard in Paolini, California. Paolini was a thriving landmark of a city along the coast. It was settled between San Diego and Los Angeles, centered right in the middle of the two.

[Clappy: Oh really? Because map images of Paolini show it is actually near Oakland and not between San Diego and Los Angeles.]

[Halibut: FUCKING CALIFORNIA!? Maybe I missed out on something because I haven't caught onto the last few eps, but still, why in the hell are they in California now? Is Dylan this committed to pointless original characters?] 

[Hayden: Summary of all character traits I know about Debra: She walks rigidly.]

While not as large as San Diego or LA, it still boasted a population of three million in the relatively small area. Jalopies bustled by, sputtering. Sports cars flew by seamlessly. A few joggers went by, but other than that it was silent. 

[Clappy: Seriously. Who gives a fuck about this town when Dylan doesn’t know where it’s located. Cut it with the fluffing porn and actually have a point.]

[Jjs: We jump on land. Sounds familiar? Yup, sounds just like when 70s decided to have his favorite lesbian couple in Bikini Top go to New York. Because putting an on land location in your spin-off leads to such great storylines...]

The Whitwood Shopping Plaza consisted of the Capital Source bank, a Dunkin Donuts,

[Jjs: ...and apparently product placement.]

and a dilapidated “Great Reads” bookstore. The Capital Source bank towering against Whittier Boulevard at a staggering seven stories, which was tall for the suburban city.

[Fred:  ]

[Halibut: I wanted a stupid spin-off, not an advertisement to some town in California.]

[Hayden: This city is more nuanced than 99 percent of the characters.]

[Clappy: Okay, clearly I need to say this again. WHO CARES!]

As Debra walked down the sidewalk, she gazed up at the bank. 

Perfect. Everything WILL go perfectly, she thought to herself, and turned down the sidewalk. She was now on the other side of the building. Another turn and she would find herself in front of the glass doors that led into the bank. 

[Hayden: And when she gets to those glass doors, she will pull on the handle and ENTER the bank. Then it is just a simple 10 steps up to the counter.]

[Clappy: Wow. The spacing of these buildings are sure super close together. Either that or Dylan is awful at setting up his surroundings. And we all know that can’t be true.]

That turn came. Sure enough, a blond woman was opening up the front doors at exactly 7:00 AM, just as her mentor had promised. Stealthily, like she wasn’t even there, she pulled a handgun from her coat pocket and placed it behind her back. The blond noticed her and grinned a tired smile.  

[Hayden: You didn't need to say both "grinned" and "smile".]

[Clappy: She pulled a handgun from her coat pocket….and placed it behind her back? And she didn’t get caught…oh wait, she did get noticed? And the BLONDE smiled? What the fuck?! Normal people…do not…act like this…] 

“Hi, welcome to Capital Source! If you’ll take---” 

“Get in!” Debra screamed at her.

[Clappy: Get in what? The gun? Her coat pocket?]

She whipped out her gun and jammed it into her skull. The intern screamed in pain and instinctively raised both of her arms. 

[Jjs: Are we riffing The Runaway Sponge again? First Bikini Top, now Runaway Sponge. Wow. Let's see how many other spin-offs tvguy tries ripping off before the end.] 

[Fred: Okay, what the fuck, Debra? You just came out of nowhere with that gun.]

[Hayden: Already more concerned for the nameless intern than whether or not Debra fucks this up.]

Going well so far, Debra thought timidly. The floor inside the lobby was a green marble, and a trio of columns supported the vaulted, white ceiling. There were two rows of desks on one side of the bank, an elevator in the corner, and then a long wooden counter on the opposing side. Debra nodded and then twirled the frightened intern around.  

[Clappy: Seriously, nobody cares about how this bank looks. Let’s focus instead on the fact that she twirled the intern around like she’s a Looney Tunes character.]

“Please don’t do anything! I have a family, and I need to--” 

[Halibut: You're a pointless background character, nobody cares.]

[Jjs: What Hal said. Why is tvguy trying to make us feel emotion for a pointless OC who will probably die anyways by the end of the scene?]

[Hayden: I care, this background character is my new personal favorite. Even more of a favorite than myself when I cameo'd.]

“Shut the fuck up!” Debra bellowed in her face. “I don’t wanna hear your goddamn life story!” 

[Halibut: See? Toldya.]

[Jjs: Is Debra another undercover riffer?]

[Fred: Please take a chill pill, lady.]

[Clappy: And I don’t want to hear the written advertisement for the state of California and now this bank. We can’t always get what we want.]

[Hayden: Maybe you'd like to hear THIS life story.]

“Sorry, I’m sorry!” the woman bawled. Streams of clear tears rolled down her pink cheeks. 

[Halibut: Well no shit they're clear, why would they be something like purple or green? Isn't imagery supposed to be provided when it's to project an atmosphere, not to describe the tears of someone's crying?]

[Clappy: And to add onto what Hal said, why are her cheeks pink?]

[Hayden: To be fair, Dylan could've been edgy and written bloody tears instead of clear tears.]

“Take me to the vault.”  

“I don’t know the combination! I swear! I swear! I swear to God, please, oh God, I dunno it!” She was not shaking her head vigorously against her sweaty hand that held the woman. 

[Clappy: Swearing to 70s won’t help you remember the combination either.]

[Halibut: You're working in the bank, how do you not know?... Or maybe she's just competent enough to try lying.]

“SHUT UP!” Debra smacked the metal barrel of the gun across her face and her nose began to bleed. “TAKE ME TO THE VAULT RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR I’LL BLOW YOUR HEAD YOUR HEAD TO SHIT!” 

[Jjs: ACTING!!!!!!!!!]

[Fred: Okay, this is seriously not funny and I’m just as scared as the intern is.]

[Halibut: THE CAPS LOCK MAKES EVERYTHING FEEL MORE INTENSE!] 

[Clappy: “Blow your head to shit.” – said no one ever.]

[Hayden: If one more character has to die, can it be this Debra brat? Haha. Debrat. That's now what I'm calling her. Her last name is "child" after all.]

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry! Please don’t kill me!” She began to walked behind the counter.  

[Fred: “She began to walked”? Hold up, hold up, I gotta call the Grammar Police on this.]

[Officer Frank: Hello, this is Officer Frank of the Grammar Police. How may I help you?] 

[Fred: It’s about tvguy’s spin-off, Down Under. He used the word “walk” in the past tense instead of the present tense.] 

[Frank: Okay, I see. We’ll get right on it.] 

“And don’t try any of that button-under-the-table shit!”  

[Halibut: For what reason would she not? If pushing the button has a chance at killing her, it's still gonna get this Debra bitch arrested.]

[Clappy: This just occurred to me. If she is so busy threatening this nobody that works at the bank…why isn’t she threatening any of the customers? Are we supposed to believe that not a single one of these people haven’t called the authorities while Debra has been so busy screaming obscenities and pistol whipping this bank worker?]

[Jjs: Maybe this is another ATTWL 3 scenario, and the customers at the bank are just cardboard cutouts of people.]

Word by word, just like he told me to do! Debra thought.

[Hayden: Who? The Mastermind? Redman? Some new creepy psychopath we haven't met?]

The woman disappeared into a hallway and she snapped back into her senses. She jogged after her and then did a quick scan for a button underneath the counter. There wasn’t one. She followed the intern down the hallway. It dumped out into a large room with a small door, maybe seven feet high. It was narrow, with a circular panel that resembled an old fashioned steering wheel for a ship.  

[Halibut: This is supposed to be an actiony and intense scene, right? Why the fuck do you have to describe the interior decorating with every single twist and turn?]

[Clappy: “Yes, I have a seven foot safe that has a door that looks just like a steering wheel for a ship too.” – said no one ever. Dylan, you have clearly watched one too many heist movies. Time to bring you back to reality.]

[Jjs: *calls Padding Police* You guys sure you don't want to return to the force?]

[Padding Police Officer: No, now stop padding out the riffs! Good day sir! *hangs up*] 

The intern now turned to face Debra.  

“I told you, I don’t know the combination!” Her tears had dried, but her swollen cheeks were greeted with a new onslaught of the watery rivers. 

[Halibut: I'm just going to assume that her tears are shooting profusely out of her eyes like a pressure washer.]

[Clappy: And Clappy was as enthralled as watching paint dry.]

“Fine,” Debra rasped and then shot the blondie three times in the chest.

[Jjs: LMAO! I called it, and I didn't even look below when I wrote my riff many lines above. I just knew this padded exposition was going to result in her death. But we've just started, so let's see how many more times tvguy can "surprise" us.]

[Clappy: You know, because she couldn’t have blackmailed her to call one of her fellow associates or bank manager to get the info she needs like an actually smart criminal mastermind?]

She stepped back, shocked, before blood began to gurgled out of her mouth and wounds and she toppled over.  

[Fred: Seriously, this is the most fucked up finale I have ever seen.]

[Halibut: Ew.]

[Hayden: That's no way to respond to not getting your way, Debrat.]

He planned for this, she nodded reassuringly and kneeled down. She stripped herself of her coat; explosives were wrapped around on the inside. Debra set them up accordingly and then lit a match. She took a breath, rolled her neck around, and then held the flame up to the little thread protruding from the explosives. 

[Halibut: ALLAHU AKB-- oh wait, it's on the inside of her coat...]

[Clappy: She was wearing explosives on the inside of her coat…and NOBODY noticed? Seriously, we’re living in a post-9/11 society and not a single person checked this woman out not just in front of such an important place of business or…you know…on the streets? We aren’t THAT STUPID.]

[Jjs: Again Clappy, cardboard cutouts. Tvguy is too busy setting up another OC story that won't go anywhere to focus on the customers, so cardboard cutouts is the better solution. Plus, it'd be more names we'd have to remember if anybody was actually there.]

Debra ran from the room, as a blasting sound vibrated the building. She cautiously peered out from the hallway and saw the metallic door laying in it’s frame. Smoke wafted around it.  

[Clappy: Waffled?]

Good. Now go inside... 

[Hayden: THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS HEAD VOICE. Even Debrat should know the next step here.]

She stepped over the limp door and stepped into the small, musty room.

[Jjs: Hopefully she brought a musty candle, too.]

She exhaled, realizing she was in one of the most secretive vaults in the world.

[Jjs: A+ security for guarding "one of the most secretive vaults in the world."]

And to think it was kept in a simple, suburban city. On one of the shelves was a tiny box. She picked it up and lifted the lid. Sitting inside was a tiny version of The Admiral.  

[Halibut: uh... ADMIRAL ACKBAR.] 

[Hayden: Oh, the least memorable villain. When was the last time this guy did something?]

[Jjs: What, did someone invent a Down Under toyline? I'll trade a Redman action figure if it gets me out of this riff.]

[Clappy: I don’t care…I really don’t. This over the top sequence was already stupid enough to make me question the events of the last stupid chapter.]

(theme song plays) 

[Jjs: Ah yes, the beloved theme song. At least tvguy gave us one unlike Bikini Top...even though he stopped showing it near the end, so it became as much of a nonentity as Bikini Top's. Personally, I feel this song would be the most fitting theme...

It might not be the Mr. Krabs' violin video, but it sure sums up all 23 chapters of this spin-off.]

[Fred: I have a theme song for you. 

It’s fitting because it’s a finale and it matches the quality of this show! :D]

“What the fuck do you want?” They were in Crete, the island off the coast of Greece.

[Jjs: Oh, that's just the cherry on top, bring in the country of my ancestors. Can't wait to see how us Greeks get stereotyped.]

[Clappy: Thanks. I clearly needed to know the location. At least you got this one geographically correct.]

The Mastermind, Bob Ball, and Redman were gathered around him.

[Jjs: Didn't Bob Ball get eaten by Vampire Hassan? You know what...fuck it. I give up. This spin-off has gotten to the point where I can't even be mad by its confusion. I just don't care at this point. And I guess tvguy didn't either.]

[Clappy: Oh boy, let’s see what the Four Stooges have planned for this episode.]

They’d crafted a camp in the middle of the jungle. Secrecy was their number one priority. A mini Admiral stood in front of them, chugging his hands around. After disappearing, he’d been shrunken down to a fun size by an (he claimed) sea witch.  

[Halibut: What a shame he isn't Bite Size.]

[Hayden: Why the "he claimed"? Is a sea witch really that unbelievable? Please run down the list of other explanations for his golf ball size.]

[Jjs: Considering tvguy was trying his hardest to make this like Bikini Top, I wouldn't be too doubtful if sea witches were real. Maybe he met Glinda. Hey, the last chapter did establish this was in the same universe as Bikini Top. A guy can fanfiction fanfiction.]

“We’d like you on our side,” The Mastermind began. “Alright?” 

“Alright my ass,” The Admiral spat.

[Fred: I wish I could get someone to alright my ass.]

[Halibut: All right into my ass.]

“Get me back to my fucking regular size and then we’ll talk.” 

[Jjs: Never heard of this "Fucking Regular Size" size before.]

[Halibut: I mean, if you want someone to alright your ass, wouldn't it be "regular fucking size"?]

[Clappy: Someone cast an incantation on this spin-off pronto.]

“Redman, can---”  

[Jjs: you get a more original name?]

There was a flash of light (red light)

[Jjs: Yes, because telling us the light color is much more important than reminding us on many other things in this spin-off. Once again, the bizarre form of reminders continue in Down Under.]

and The Admiral was standing before them at his regular size. 

[Clappy: Okay, hold up…what WHAT WHAT. HOW…oh wait, it’s Down Under. Everything happens for no reason. Continue.]

“Damn, was this how big I really was?” He got used to everything and then refocused his attention on them. “Alright bitches, what do ya want?” 

[Clappy: Do you really want to know? It involves having all traces of this spin-off being erased from my memory banks.]

[Jjs: Stop...we're supposed to be intimidated by this guy? This is just making me laugh.] 

“It’s simple, really,” Redman said, and grinned. The grin was quick; there one second and gone the next.

[Jjs: Uh oh, is this one of the wide grins from Bikini Top? At least Wumbo isn't here.]

His face was stone now.

[Jjs: So he's a statue now? Wouldn't surprise me with how boring these villains are.]

“Join our side.”  

[Hayden:  ]

“What side?” the drunken fish replied.

[Hayden: When was it stated he was drunk?]

[Jjs: Did I miss something? Who is this drunken fish? Is that actually his name?]

[Clappy: Drunken fish? At what point was it hinted that any sort of alcohol was involved with this? If anything, he’s drunk for no apparent reason.]

[Fred: 

The dark side.]

[Halibut: Of the moon.]

He moved his hat from the right side to the left side for no apparent reason. “Sides for what? We be playin’ fishball or what?”  

[Fred: Alright, you can stop it with the fish puns now. As far as I know, they call it football in Bikini Bottom. NFL stands for National Football League, not National Fishball League. Unless fishball is a new sport you came up with, it’s called “football” in Bikini Bottom.] 

[Halibut: In Fish Canada, they play Fishkey.]

[Hayden: Why not a game of Fish Chess?]

[Jjs: Also, PLOT HOLE POLICE! HOW IS THERE A (DRUNKEN) FISH ON LAND, ON THE ISLAND OF CRETE?! Bah! Whatever, it's the final chapter, no point in thinking now if logic has still been ignored.]

“A war is brewing,” said The Mastermind and he smiled a devilish smile. “And we’d like you on our side.” 

[Jjs: Yes, because a drunken fish that even us readers hardly know a thing about sure seems like a responsible ally to have on your side for a war.]

[Hayden: Here's an idea, explain what the war is about. Also, explain who is on the other side. These will help inform both us and your desired recruit instead of padding us to oblivion.]

The father of two stared at them, one eye opened and the other with an eyelid hanging lazily over the pupil, exposing only white. He had a frightening demeanor. 

[Halibut: Holy shit, it's Thom Yorke!]

[Hayden: Odd time to bring up that he's a father of two.]

“Aight,” he muttered. “You guys got any whiskey? This whole world I’ve been put in his fucked up. Like a story, I swear.”  

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: is]

[Fred: *gasp* Somebody is aware of this spin-off!]

[Hayden: There's not enough whiskey in the world for where you are.]

[Clappy: HAHAHA IRONY! GET IT!?!?!?!]

“No. We need to talk strategy,” said Redman, smacked his hand on The Admiral’s back and walked behind him to a whiteboard shaded in dark.

[Jjs: Wait...The Admiral is the drunken fish?! It literally took me until now to figure that out. God, this spin-off is so vague, can you blame me for thinking that? Because with so many characters tvguy introduces out of thin air, I could've believed "Drunken Fish" was a new character!]

He flicked a switch and the room was illuminated, besides the dim lightbulb that had hung over the four.  

[Jjs: That dim lightbulb is still probably shining more than the boring personalities of these so-called villains.]

“Before we talk dis shit, canya at leassssssssssst tell me what we’re fightin’ for?” 

[Clappy: Ay kan tolk lyk dis 2]

[Fred: Okay, I know he’s drunk and all, but at least convey it in a way that isn’t complete gibberish.]

[Jjs: And actually make him funny.]

[Hayden: At least his gibberish is something I told the villains to tell him about, up above.]

His words ran after one another, crashing into each other. He spoke in a lull and wasn’t very interesting. Drunken, yet sleepy and tired. Maybe that’s what happened when you had a tiny body for so long. 

“Well, several things, and we---”  

“SEVERAL THINGS?! Holeh shit, I didn’t know we waz fighting for SEVERAL things.”  

[Hayden: I like to think that was a load of drunk sarcasm.]

[Clappy: Okay, this is really starting to get on my nerves. We are capable of reading perfectly fine English. You have no problem adding other descriptions to things we shouldn’t care about. Why not just state that this guy is drunk. We don’t need to experience it in Dylan’s full illiteracy.]

“Yes, Devon, and we---,” said Redman.  

“It’s DARREN!” 

[Hayden: Still sober enough to get his name right.]

[Jjs: Surprised he could even remember his name while drunk with the intelligence he is displaying.]

“Fine, Darren, we just---” 

“Wait, what we talkin bout?”  

[Clappy: I don’t even know anymore.]

[Jjs: Something that will probably make no sense.]

----

[Halibut: Lines.]

[Hayden: I'm up for a discussion on dotted lines.]

(“Keeps Getting Better” by Christina Aguilera plays) 

[Fred: Ironically, this keeps getting worse.] 

Ginger, no longer dirty, strutted down a dark hallway in a white Latex suit.

[Jjs: WHOA, a white latex suit instead of a black one for a change?! Biggest plot twist for me in this chapter so far! And probably the most development Major Boobage has gotten through this entire story!]

White wasn’t her color, she preferred black, but she was going for a new look. She’d made a compromise; she flaunted new sleek, glossy black hair while her suit was a cream color with thin high heels that had a gray hue to them. She walked into an office, where a man sat behind a desk.  

[Clappy: Major Boobage is still Major Boobage.]

[Halibut: I wonder if Dylan still has the obvious latex fetish that he showed off in this story.]

[Hayden: Tvguy has a wide variety of clothing kinks. Just once I'd like him to talk about Sabre's khakis.]

“Oh... Ginger!” he said. “Hi!”  

“Hello Phil,” she smirked.  

[Jjs: PhillipB? Phil Collins? Phil of the Future? Then again, not like this guy will amount to much to even deserve a last name.

...Wait, is this the same Phil from a few episodes ago, or a new one? If it's the first one, didn't he die? Oh wait...nobody really dies unless you're 4EverGreen or Goosebumpsfan. Regardless of who the fuck this Phil really is, I'll just assume it's another new character knowing this spin-off.]

“Please, take a seat!” he said kindly enough.

[Chris Hansen: Have a seat.]

Phil gestured to stained satin seats in front of his desk. 

[Halibut: Is there a reason they're stained?  ] 

[Clappy: Phil also has a latex fetish, I sense.]

“God dammit, Phil!” she said and rested her hands on her hips. “Why do you always have to be so polite?” She sighed frustratedly and looked down.  

[Fred: Yeah, politeness sucks!]  

[Hayden: Being polite is a weakness 70s does not have.]

[Clappy: Because everyone else in Down Under has no sense of morals or manners?] 

“Oh... um... I’m sorry?”  

[Halibut: I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOLD TO STOP BEING POLITE]

[Hayden:  ]

“Where is it?”  

“Where’s what?” 

“You fucking know WHAT,” she spat. “Give it to me,” and she extended an ungloved hand. 

[Halibut: At least it's ungloved.] 

[Hayden: Bare skin, how sexy.]

[Clappy: Uh oh, how is Phil supposed to get off now?]

“I REALLY have no clue what you’re talking about, Ginger, really,” he said. Phil began to perspire and reached across his desk for tissues.

[Clappy: How subtle.] 

[Halibut: Oh, okay, that's why there are stains on the chair.]

“No,” said Ginger and kicked the desk. It slid a few inches closer to the man behind it. “Give me it, Phil. Really, I don’t want to hurt you.” 

[Hayden: You and Debrat really can't take "no" for an answer. #NoMeansNo]

He laughed out loud. “HA! You? Hurt m--”  

There was a pop and blood shot out of his chest like a geyser. It splattered all over Ginger.  

[Jjs: Wow, two deaths in such a short span of time. How edgy. I called it once again, I knew he wasn't going to amount to anything. Why introduce these OCs if they're all going to die? While you're still hot, don't forget to kill his tissues, too! Why not? Makes about as much sense as everything else in this spin-off.

Also, once again I doubt Phil is truly dead, even if he was the old one. He probably would've returned in the next episode had this continued.]

[Clappy: Okay, the only plausible explanation I can see to this is that Ginger falcon punched Phil. Because there is ABSOLUTELY ZERO REASON FOR HIM TO BE BLEEDING FROM HIS CHEST AFTER ONE PUNCH. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.]

“Aww,” she said and tilted her head. “How sad, right?” 

[Jjs: Considering we knew nothing about him, no, not really. If anything, how predictable and lazy.]

[Hayden: Weren't you on the path of pregnant enlightenment, you demented sociopath?]

“It’s... in---” he began and then pointed to the closet to the left of the room. The room was getting doused in blood. It was everywhere.

[Clappy: So Phil died from merely a flesh wound?]

[Hayden: I'm pretty sure Phil didn't have that much blood in him. If he did, his real crime is not donating to Red Cross.]

As Ginger’s heels clacked over to the closet, Phil died and the spout of red blood ceased. Ginger sighed in pleasure as she gazed on at an enormous computer server labeled “Graveyard.” 

[Fred: Computer server? Please don’t tell me you’re talking about SpongeCraft.]

[Halibut: If the blood is spewing all around the room, that sounds like something from Monty Python. How much do you bet that Ginger will eventually have all her limbs cut off?] 

One single button was on the circular panel with a plastic piece of tape marked, “SHUT OFF.” 

[Halibut: SHUT UP!]

“I... will save that for later,” she mumbled. “What do you think, Phil? I’m a bitch, right?” 

[Fred: Yes, you are a messed up bitch.]

[Hayden: Well, you jumped straight to murdering someone for not giving you some vague ass object. Not the exact definition of bitch, but it meets the criteria.]

His lifeless, glazed eyes stared on at her. She bent over and jammed one of her black fingernails into the pupil. 

[Hayden: Mother of the year.]

[Clappy: Yeah, you’re a bitch and this chapter keeps getting worse.]

[Jjs: HOLY SHIT SO EDGY OH MY GOD I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT]

(“Keeps Getting Better” ends) 

[Fred: And it’ll just keep getting worse, folks.]  

---- 

“So... um,” ExKizuna said as they sat around a fire on the same beach. “What’s next?” 

[Clappy: Somewhere over there, Wumbo is emotionally unstable that he’s not claiming that fire as his own.]

[Halibut: Took this long to bring the original subject of the story back, holy shit.]  

“I dunno,” terminoob mumbled as he wrote a name (Kristy) in the sand with his foot. 

[Fred: Literally who? I’m out of the loop. After all, this spinoff is too confusing.] 

[Hayden: Kristy is a new OC that terminoob will inexplicably have a blossoming relationship with after she murders someone for shits and giggles at the start of Chapter 24.]

[Jjs: "Kristy" was the name of terminoob's girlfriend back in 2010, but that doesn't excuse how vague this is, especially with no context given. Also, once again, "I dunno" being used as one of the best answers throughout this spin-off.] 

[Clappy: HAHAHA I GET IT. HE WAS DATING A GIRL NAMED KRISTY AT THE TIME THIS CAME OUT. YOU’RE SO CLEVER DYLAN....Honestly, that’s far more creepy than clever.]

“It feels awesome to be back in human form, though,” Jelly grinned. “Am I right?”  

[Jelly: Amirite?] 

[Clappy: At least we finally have an established form of identity for these characters…amirite?]

Everybody mumbled in agreement.  

[Halibut: mumblemumblemumblemumble] 

[Hayden: The indifference stems from them basically doing all the same human things as fish.]

“I’m so confused,” Webizoid muttered. 

[Jjs: Wow, even the users still don't understand what is happening. What does that tell you?]

[Clappy: You’re not alone.]

[Fred: You can say that again.] 

[Webizoid: I’m so confused.]

“If you still are mind-warped, here’s the simplest explanation I can give you: anything can happen,” said Wumbology. 

[Hayden: 

]

[Fred: That must be this spinoff’s logic.]

[Clappy: You mean like betraying your friends to The Mastermind, having kids and a wife at fifteen, raping SBMers, having underage sex, age jumping for no reason, defying death, location jumping for no reason, being turned into sea animals…I can believe anything can happen, BUT there is a pushing point for what to believe can be explained by just stating that as your main reason for all of this.]

Webzioid looked at him with unsatisfied eyes but still nodded. 

[Jjs: Who is Webzioid? Is this another OC or Webby's long lost twin brother?]

[Webzioid: I’m not Webizoid! I’m my original character, Webzioid!] 

They all sat in an awkward silence around the crackling fire, which seemed to be mocking them. There was the sound of sand crumpling and they all looked up hopefully and saw 70s walking up.  

“Hey,” he said, and pressed his hands against his pants. He examined the large group and saw Jacob, Zoey, and Greg sitting in the back. “You three. I um... can I see your backpacks?” 

[Jjs: Oh, these three again... *yawn* Though I can't get really bored at Greg, since he is an undercover riffer, after all. Hopefully he gets angry and asks questions on why this chapter doesn't make sense again, would be something redeemable.]

[Clappy: Wait, where did these three come from? Have they ALWAYS been here? I thought it was just the SBCers all together again?]

[Hayden: Oh look, basically the only other protagonists finally meet our group of protagonists. This should've happened 10 chapters ago.]

He didn’t know why, but he didn’t trust them, and what had just happened hinted to check their backpacks. It was a voice in his head, and whether it was an evil entity or a good one, he didn’t care. Jacob and Zoey each handed over their Jansport backpacks and 70s zipped them open. 

[Clappy: Jansport. A proud sponsor of Down Under. Because when I think Down Under, I think throw it in a bag and refuse to open it.]

[Jjs: What's up with the product placement in this chapter so far? First Dunkin' Donuts and now Jansport. I'm sure I'll go to Dunkin' Donuts and buy a Jansport backpack just because of this spin-off.]

“Holy shit,” he mumbled and dropped them. The entire group gasped as an enormous, smoothed golden stone and a goblet filled with frozen ice toppled out. “What the fuck is this?!”  

[Clappy: Are you that fucking stupid? It’s the same shit that was explained to you the previous two chapters.]

“I dunno!” Zoey exclaimed, jumping to her feet.  

“You two are freaks!” Greg said. He waved his hands around in a ‘I’m so done with you’ kind of way. 

[Fred: And I’m so done with you too, buddy.] 

[Clappy: Can we please hire Greg as a full time riffer? He’s doing a much better job at this than I have been lately.]

[Jjs: Unfortunately, due to Greg not being a part of the writer's union, we can't accept him. Greg is one of the few things I'll miss from this. Asking the most logical questions, while just as angry and confused as the riffers have been throughout this. At least HE understands.]

Stinkoman bent down and picked up the goblet.

[Hayden: *rubs eyes* What the hell is a Stinkoman? Probably stinks less than this scene, but I'm still curious.]

[Jjs: Hello SBMers. Seriously though, when the hell did any SBMers other than ssj, Abney and Philip enter this? Or maybe he's been there and I forgot, since those three SBMers are the only ones that got focus.]

He brushed off some of the flakes of ice along the rim and examined it. 

“Can you tell what it is?” called terminoob. 

[Jjs: Calling a question instead of asking it? Terminoob has no fears against the Grammar Police. Brave. Wrong, but brave.]

“Nope,” he replied. “There’s blood on it though.” He showed them another side of it and sure enough, there was a blood stain on the side. Dark brown and murky, the goblet was creepy. 

[Clappy: Great deduction skills. You were clearly worth the time and effort to establish.]

“What’s the ice doing in there?” 

[Jjs: Ice? Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want? You want ice? Is that what you want? There is no ice! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!]

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask the cup?” Stinkoman snapped and dropped it. 

[Fred: Right after I consult the magic toenail.]  

As people continued to ask questions, 70s stared at the cup and gem with horror. He flashed back to what the Redman had said. 

[Clappy: NOW you want to flashback…or Dylan finally remembered what he said the previous two chapters, but didn’t want to erase all of that “witty banter”.]

... They are currently pursuing both The Philosopher’s Stone and The Holy Grail, and they have reason to believe that it’s in your camp.  

[Halibut: This has to be self-parody at this point.]

[Hayden: I swear their brains work at a slower rate than Patrick.]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, I'm not even going to dignify this plot line. One of the worst "plot twists" from this spin-off, which is saying something, considering this is the same spin-off that tells us 70s invented Modem, Metal Snake is WhaleBlubber (bet you forgot that until now didn't ya), and that Hassan is some psychopathic murderer...and vampire.]

70s remembered the pictures now and it fit together. It fit together! The pictures had been of THEM, but now that he looked back on it, Zoey had been in all of them. The space ship... a space ship had visited him. 

[Jjs: We're actually bringing aliens into this? I was just joking with my alien riff in 16. Why does everything I predict in this, even jokingly, come out true?] 

It made sense. They were the unwanted presence. They hadn’t hurt 70s. Yet.  

[Clappy: Illuminati confirmed.]

[Hayden: Nice try, but telling me something made sense isn't the same as me reading it and coming to that on my own.]

...my sensors are picking up an unwanted presence! 

[Clappy: You’re looking at a bunch of them. They’re called riffers.]

[Jjs: Sensors? Is this SBCPU!70s again, or is tvguy trying to vaguely tell us the users are robots now? MIGHT AS WELL BE!]

Boo. 

[Clappy: My thoughts exactly.]

[Fred: 

]

Dammit, why must you always try to answer them? 

They’d encountered other fish before...

[Halibut: I encountered a fish at a dentist's waiting room before, you're not special.]

[Jjs: Yeah, and I'm sure they all had FishPhones to boot. Remember, if there is one thing that anybody can get out of Down Under, it's that fish have phones! Be aware!]

~~~

[Jjs: Oh hey, the Bikini Top squiggly lines are back. Can't say I missed them, but it's not a surprise to use Bikini Top elements in something that was trying to imitate it from the start.]

Ginger gasped as she left the building.  

What was that?! 

She’d been on the pill after visiting her parents briefly, realizing she might be pregnant.

[Jjs: Oh right...that's still a thing. Too bad we'll never see her baby, unless we flash to 9 months later due to the haphazard timeline in this.]

Her parents had been angry with her and she had quickly ventured back into The Graveyard. 

[Hayden: Ginger suddenly has parents! They didn't disown her for having reddish orange hair.]

“Oh sha--- shit,” she said and threw up right on the sidewalk. Ginger hadn’t taken the pill in a few weeks. Was that enough time? 

[Hayden:   ]

[Clappy: So Ginger cold blooded murdering someone with a single punch is a side effect of pregnancy? Yeah, I know your hormones go on the fritz BUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL SYMPATHETIC!?]

[Jjs: Hey, if tvguy wanted this to be like Bikini Top, I can also bring back Bikini Top gags for this. Pointless Scene #1.]

~~~

It had been tipsy topsy. 

[Clappy: Clearly because that's not the right phrasing.]

[Fred: Okay, stop. First of all, was the phrase you even said a phrase? Second of all, I think you mean “topsy turvy”.]

First he was dead, then he was back alive, then dead, then alive. 

[Fred: And now he’s wanted dead or alive.]

Spongebob was determined to stay alive, because having that many resurrections performed on the same body took a toll. 

[Hayden: He's been resurrected for at least 10 seasons now by Nickelodeon. *rimshot*]

[Clappy: ……..THE SELF AWARENESS. IT HURTS. FUCK OFF DOWN UNDER.]

[Jjs: Oh right, the SpongeBob "keeps coming back to life" subplot. So, may I ask: How DOES he keep coming back to life... or if he is still Doodlebob (even though we saw Doodlebob kill Spongebob, but consistency)... or if Doodlebob's dead? Much like many other things in this spin-off, I'm sure I won't be getting answers to those.] 

“It’s fine,” Kyle muttered, sitting in a corner. “We’ll trap them next time.” The two had been caused the internet group great trouble. They’d trapped them under a dome, collapsed the hospital they’d taken refuge in, and killed one or two members. 

[Clappy: And all of these subplots were all shrugged off like nothing happened.]

“All our plans have failed,” Spongebob muttered. He shook his head. “Complete bull, I swear.”  

“No, SB, this next thing’ll surprise EVERYBODY.” 

[Kyle: I call it: CANCELLATION.]

[Halibut: SURPRISE!!!!!!!!]

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #2.]

~~~

(“Liar Liar” by Christina Grimmie plays)

[Clappy: The Voice contestant from 2014? Someone sure is getting hipster points for using her music in 2011 before she was “famous”.]

[Halibut: This entire story is a lie.]

“70s, I don’t understand,” Cartoon said. 

[Fred: Cartoon? CF? Who the hell is this Cartoon guy/girl?] 

[Clappy: He was before your time, my dear Fred. Instead, focus on the horrible punctuation where there should be a period instead of a comma. Although nobody understands 70s as a person at this point either, so maybe it was intentional?]

[Jjs: It's "The Cartoon", the one and only. Guess adding "The" was too much work. But hey, look, another reminder that a character doesn't understand something in this spin-off! Might as well add a character replying "I don't know" or another term of confusion to the many Down Under running gags, including someone pulling out a gun, someone jumping out a window, or Major Boobage's latex suit being described in-depth.]

“You SHOULD!” 70s was frantically packing up.  

[Hayden: Why should he? It's not like a single SBCer has filled him in. Then again, I guess he never asked...or even existed until just now.]

“Are you going to explain, or am I somehow going to understand what you’re talking about?” 

[Clappy: Didn’t Wumbo just tell you all a few pages back that anything can happen? Because that’s how you’re going to wind up understanding anyway.]

[Hayden: Cartoon, omnipresent voice of sass working to get the audience their justice.]

“The people showing up at camp, the aliens, the pictures The Mastermind showed me. Doesn’t it make sense to you?” 

[Fred: Nope, not at all.]  

[Clappy: Do I even need to acknowledge this question with an actual response? NO.]

[Jjs: No, but nothing makes sense in this.]

“I thought we debunked the alien thing was just you sleep walking,” terminoob murmured. 

[Fred: Okay, why does everyone murmur or mumble in this here chapter? And why is it usually terminoob?]   

“We can’t trust Daniel, 70s,” tvguy said. 

[Clappy: Hassan.]

“He kidnapped you for Christ’s sake!” Ex cried.

[Clappy: You died for Christ's sake.]

[Jjs: You mean 70s's sake, since he is still apparently God in this.]

“Aren’t the cup and stone enough for you?!” 

[Halibut: If you put the stone IN the cup, you open yourself up to a whole lot of options.] 

“How do we know they’re REAL, dude?”  

“Jesus, didn’t think I’d have to explain this.” 70s straightened up.

[Jjs: You shouldn't have to explain it to Jesus, because you are him!]

“We can trust him because everything fits together. We--” 

“You have to tell us why, 70s,” Jelly said. 

“I FUCKING AM, JELLY, IF YOU GUYS JUST LISTENED FOR ONCE!” Silence fell over them.

[Jjs: ACTING!!!!!!!!!!!]

He shut his eyes. “I’m sorry. But the pieces just add up. The messages that have been left by the Seven Deadly Sins. That’s what Daniel said. He also said that they knew the goblet and stone were in the camp, and look, Zoey and Jacob. I also heard a voice in my head to look in the backpack. I dunno what it is, but something’s looking over us. I know I’m not the only one who hears the voices. Wumbo’s heard ‘em too.”  

[Fred: I spy with my little eye, an unneeded apostrophe.] 

[Clappy: Anything can happen. Even mental instability.]

Wumbo glared 70s. 

[Fred: I spy with my little eye, a missing proposition.]

[Clappy: I thought it was a missing preposition?]

[Hayden: Wumbo knows exposition when he sees it.]

[Jjs:  ]

“So um... why are we leaving?” asked Ex.  

“Because they’re coming!”

[Fred: The British are coming?]

70s exited the tent and out to the newly made camp. Everybody had just finished settling in, and 70s knew they’d be angered at having to move all over again.  

[Halibut: No shit.]

[Hayden: Lazy couch potatoes.]

[Clappy: I would be more angered by the fact that they got wrapped up into this nonsensical plot rather than their first intention of trying to find their way back home after being sucked into the internet that somehow became a reality, but go on.]

“Guys!” he said. They all looked up in unison. “That was... weird. Anyway, we need to leave. Can you guys pack up?”  

[Fred: What were you guys even looking up at?]  

[Jjs: Maybe they saw a bird, a plane, Superman, or something beautiful, the #1 distraction of SBCers.]

A few laughed.  

[Halibut: hehe]

[Jjs: What's so funny? Did I miss a joke or something? That's what I get for blinking while reading.]

“We just got here,” Pixie and Deli said. 

[Halibut: i give up] 

[Hayden: Then feel free to stay here while the focus switches to the main characters. SERIOUSLY, STOP FUCKING PIGGYBACKING, YOU NAIVE LITTLE WORMS. CRAWL BACK INTO THE GROUND AND KEEP YOUR HEADS IN THE DIRT.]

“We need to leave. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll explain on the way.”  

[Clappy: Isn't that what you just did?]

“Way to where? Where the hell are we going to go?” They’d explored the city the previous night, and it’d been a fake. No humans, just them, so they’d stayed on the beach because they had beds and it was cooler near the ocean. 

70s thought for a moment.  

[Halibut: Dylan didn't.]

[Jjs: He's probably using his brain more right now than anybody else has throughout this entire spin-off, so I guess I can call that a form of character development.]

“Please, guys, just pack up.” 

[Halibut: He said please! ] 

[Jjs: But did he say it with sprinkles on top?]

[Hayden: Now 70s must offer them a cherry on top or else they'll laugh at him again.]

[Clappy: We aren’t mindless zombies. We don’t listen to everything you say. We can format our own thoughts and ideas….oh wait, this was 2011, where everyone was spineless and didn’t have the balls to tell Dylan this spin-off sucks. Okay, we’ll pack up, 70s.]

~~~ 

High above the ocean on Level 2 of The Graveyard flew The Admiral, Bob Ball, and Redman. 

[Jjs: *yawn* Goodbye you three, hopefully you fly off into the sun and burn.]

[Clappy: Hopefully Darren isn’t flying the machine because he would get pulled over for a DWI.]

In a private jet flew the Doodles, Doodlebob, Percy, and Jonathan. 

[Jjs: So is Doodlebob alive, dead, SpongeBob, or what? Oh, I give up. No point now that we're in the last end montage.]

[Clappy: Is it sad that I forgot everyone here was involved with anything?]

Aboard a small fishing boat sat Spongebob and Kyle, back to back, both rowing. 

[Clappy: And SpongeBob died again, but was revived by the next chapter.]

[Jjs: Speaking of, say goodbye to our reminder that this is a SpongeBob spin-off, and another pointless OC. But do you guys really want to know how tvguy clearly didn't care at this point? How he just wanted to get this over with? Take a good look at this:

"Aboard a small fishing boat"

A fishing boat, huh? Yeah, because SpongeBob, a creature who lives in the OCEAN, wants to fish for his own kind. But who knows, maybe SpongeBob is a cannibal with how much weird shit was in this.]

70s and the group head into the fake city. 

[Jjs: SBCers. I'd say I would miss you guys, but that's implying you did anything worthwhile, since 70s got all the focus after all. Hell, it's even shown in this montage line, with 70s leading the group! So on that note, I say goodbye to our savior 70s.]

[Clappy: Heh, you know what else is fake? You all know what I’m thinking right now, so I won’t say it.]

Ginger stumbles around, glad that she has the information she needs, but also very scared. 

[Jjs: Good riddance to you, Major Boobage. Now I'll never have to see another boring description of your breasts or latex suit.]

[Clappy: I’ll say. If her birth was as violent as her hormonal rage, she’ll be needing a new latex suit.]

The Seven Deadly Sins plunge into the Graveyard after receiving information from Ginger. 

[Clappy: To spread the word of Jesus 70s Reynolds.]

[Jjs: And of course, the last word of the spin-off is "Ginger".]

Tune in to the movie event of the summer

[Clappy: Wait…what?]

[Fred: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA “movie event of the summer”.

That’s honestly the funniest thing I have ever heard in this spin-off. Saying this is the movie event of the summer is like saying that the next Chipmunks movie will be the movie event of the summer. People will just laugh it off and say “No, no, no, no”. Plus, if this movie comes out anywhere near my summer, it’ll hurt like a motherfucka. Fucka.]

Down Under 

Worlds Apart 

[Fred: Hey, Journey called. They want the title of their much better song back.]

[Hayden: The Survivor season of the same name was one of the worst ever filmed.]

[Clappy: Someday! Love won’t find you! Break those! Cancellations that bind you!]

Coming soon...

[Jjs: Haha nope.]

[Fred: But not soon enough.]

[Hayden: To a theater in your Graveyard.]

[Clappy: Developmental hell is one frustrating state.]

This movie is rated PG-13 for coarse language, violence, and suggestive dialogue.

[Fred: Too bad that movie will never come. Do you want to know why? Because this spin-off was absolutely awful. Let’s recap some of the problems I had with this spin-off.

1. Everyone acts out of character. From making Abney’s character female to making Ex a rapist and lots more messed up characterizations I can think of.

2. Bizarre love triangles. Why pair up two SBC/SBM users who barely have any chemistry at all? Clappy and CF, ssj and Abney, Philip and Abney, I could name more.

3. Too many flashbacks. This problem happens throughout the whole spin-off, but the most prominent example of this happening was in Maneater.

4. Random out of nowhere characters such as Ginger and Harold. There is no such thing as Burp Boobs by the way. Only Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty knows what that is.

Jesus, how did some of you guys tolerate this spinoff back when it was around? Roger Ebert wasn’t this nice when reviewing movies. In fact, I brought back Roger Ebert back from the dead so he can say a few words about this spinoff.]

[Roger Ebert: I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! This spinoff was worse than North and Norm of the North, which I shall review soon.]

[Fred: I also brought Jay Sherman from the old ABC/Fox animated sitcom, The Critic, to say a few words about this spinoff.]

[Jay Sherman: One of the worst things I have ever read, and believe me, I read the whole Twilight series. IT STINKS!]

[Fred: I also invited Metal Snake over here to say a few words about this spinoff, even though he wasn’t one of the riffers for this episode.]

[Metal Snake: Do I think this spinoff is worse than Eddsworld Meets SpongeBob? Well, at least tvguy uses spell check sometimes in this spinoff, but just like EMS, it’s completely logicless and frustrated me. (Note: May or may not be his actual opinion.)]

[Fred: You heard it from them and me, folks. This spinoff sucked. Now if you need me, I need to go rethink my life.]  

[Halibut: Utter horseshit. The original characters? Unnecessary. The flashbacks? Unnecessary. The dimwitted overly complex plot? Very unnecessary. This could've totally worked if it was some silly comedy with the SBCers in the world of SpongeBob, but instead, it turned into one of the dumbest and most pretentious stories I have ever had to read for the Riffing Theater.]

[Hayden: This is the riff series that drained my soul. My brain is still rebooting but I don't think, in all 23 chapters, anything was funny or easy to laugh at like Bikini Top was. The closest things to comedy also came with a side order of cringe, shame, and depression. Nobody wants to read some dark twisted fantasy story on a Spongebob site, especially one that can't give the readers one reason or mystery to hold out interest for. Tvguy was definitely poisoned by primetime television. Nothing in this "setup" chapter even explained what the movie's purpose was very well. So, even though I did not have to pay for a ticket, I don't think the price of admission is one any of us needed to fork over. See you for something less exhausting riffer differs. Now I need to lie down under....my bed sheets.]

[Clappy: "This movie is rated PG-13 for coarse language, violence, and suggestive dialogue."

Unintentionally one of the funniest moments from the entire series.

I will have much more to say about this in due time since you all know what I’m in the process of writing by now, but I will say this. Halibut said something about this that really does stick with me. Down Under really is one hell of a pretentious spin-off, isn’t it? I mean, out of the alleged Big Three from 2010/2011 SBC, Down Under really had that extra level of pretentiousness that the other two didn’t have. Bikini Top at least had an identity. SBCPU at least had some sort of cohesive story. Down Under tried to have both, but came off as if it was artistic and revolutionary. Um, no. No it wasn’t. Sure, it was the first story about SBCers doing something and interacting with each other in a story, but come on guys, you know such a simple premise had to become convoluted eventually. Because you can only do so much with SpongeBob characters interacting with actual people. I’m not surprised at all it hasn’t held up well…if not even worse than any of us can remember. Because it was destined to be doomed since you had to figure out a way to stretch this idea out for as far as you can run with it. And boy did Down Under sure do that…to unbelievable levels of stupidity.

So yeah, instead of acclaiming that Down Under was the start of something revolutionary, how about giving more acclaim to two other literatures that came out around that same month and still hold up well today, Rusty’s Raping Rampage and And Then There Were Less? They have far more depth and far better executed SBC sex scenes that will make you cringe, but are at least parodies that make sense. Yep, plugging my own work while riffing someone else’s. That’s not egotistical at all. Good night everybody!]

[Jjs: As you can imagine from the last 5 months I've wasted of your lives with these riffs, I don't think Down Under is a very good spin-off. Any form of characterization is shallow overall, and the writing is all over the place. The same tired and boring repetitions of throwing 1,000 overly vague complicated storylines at us that never go anywhere (hi Metal Snake being WhaleBlubber, remember that?), or throwing in plot twists that don't amount to anything. It never slows down or gives the readers time to breathe and absorb what is happening. It just seems like everything here was going for shock factor and pretentiousness rather than a coherent story. I enjoy complex stories as much as the next guy, but they have to make some form of sense. And quite frankly, this story is anything but. I would honestly give someone money if they could accurately summarize what the hell happened in Down Under, because even I still don't fully know what I read. To be honest with you guys, some of my nitpickings were probably inaccurate at points, because I forgot this or that happened. Can you really blame me, though? I don't have the attention span to remember everything that happened in this when so many new things kept being thrown us at per chapter. 

There are some users out there that put this in the same league as stuff like Eddsworld, but I know others don't agree with that, saying "Down Under's not all that bad". Is it really, though? Now granted, I still find Eddsworld worse because tvguy at least put a form of effort into this...but damn, I won't deny this is almost up there as one of the worst things I've ever riffed. Even ignoring the overly-complex story problems...is there honestly anything else to defend about this? Really, what is there? The protagonists? As I stated in my long-winded rant from 19, all of them range from either boring, undeveloped, or to major jackasses. If they weren't 70s, Ex, Wumbo, Clappy, or tvguy, for the most part, don't expect much focus on anyone else, and even then, those five had a multitude of characterization problems. The villains? They're boring. Evil for the sake of being evil, and ultimately, completely forgettable. Not helped by them not making any sense (especially Major "Who The Hell's Side Am I On" Boobage). The original characters? Boring, unnecessary, and when you just barely try to follow one, five more get thrown in your face, who either get killed off (as we saw in this chapter) or never amount to anything. The humor? The "humor" came off very awkward, if you can even call it humor, and the fact the spin-off kept expecting us to take everything so seriously, that when it tried being "funny", it just created jarring tonal problems. At least you could get some lulzy chuckles out of SBCPU and Bikini Top. The story? What story? "SBC users getting trapped in Bikini Bottom"? Oh, that story. Yeah, too bad that became a really minor part when we got introduced to a thousand subplots. The story was a jumbled mess, if you can even call it a story. Innovativeness? Yes, the idea was innovative for its time, but that's just it: for its time. And even then, the execution of the idea was botched badly, considering the whole "being trapped in Bikini Bottom" part became an afterthought. It felt like it had no identity, as Clappy said above. It felt like a mutation of five to six different stories in one. Sure, it was competently made, but so what? That doesn't mean it was gold, as we saw with Bikini Top and SBC Parallel Universe, one of those being my own creation, which I riffed and acknowledged had many problems.

I'm also going to be honest and say it: In many ways, this is inferior to Bikini Top. Yes, I said it. Bikini Top still isn't good, but it had something Down Under severely lacks: A "story". It wasn't a very GOOD one mind you, but something was there. At least at the end of the day you could summarize what was happening to some extent. Despite the annoying time skips that also had, at least it generally stuck to a consistent timeline. Down Under just seemed to jump through time and back more than Doctor Who ever has, and once again, I don't think anybody can form an accurate timeline of it. As said above, at least SBCPU and Bikini Top, the other two Big Three members, had some redeeming qualities, one more than the other. This has neither the story nor the humor value to back it up, and again, came off rather pretentious with its forced "edginess" (not that Bikini Top and SBCPU didn't at times, but here it showed the worst). It tried to be like Bikini Top, and ironically, the imitation ended up being worse than it, at least in my eyes. As I stated in my first riff of this chapter, I feel tvguy himself didn't like the direction it was headed in, which is why he cancelled it after this. And I don't blame him. Maybe some of these problems would've been resolved if it continued, but I honestly don't think they would've. If he failed to explain anything in these 23 episodes, I doubt another 20 would've helped. Not to mention the fact I'm judging this on what we got in the final product, not what could've been, and the final product is just a mess. If you still enjoyed this (somehow), good for you, but for me, this was painful. I get why it was liked back in the day, and I won't deny it definitely did influence spin-offs/lits like Bikini Top did (hell, DU even gave me some inspiration for the basic SBCPU idea), but otherwise, Down Under is a spin-off that doesn't need to be revisited again anytime soon. Much like the other two Big Three members, it hasn't aged well, and it's just a flat out mess. Still, I thank everyone who wasted valuable time of their lives just for these riffs, as this was one of our longest journeys yet. Hell, at points I honestly felt like this drained me creatively of my riffs because I had so little witty things to say at points, so the fact I was still able to pull through is a journey in and of itself.

So what's next? Stay tuned for when we riff a town with high crime rate and law breakers at every turn, in SBC: Investigation & Prosecution, one of Metal Snake's personal shames.]

 

Edited November 25, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Joe Biden]

Well guys, looks like we finally buried this spin-off. You might even say we buried it down under...........into the ground.........under dirt.

 

6 months of this crap and I can't believe it's finally over. I would like to thank those who survived this spin-off along with some of the other riffers who riffed along with us albeit only for a short time. I don't want to thank only a certain number of riffers since I think we all nailed this spin-off and gave it the beating it deserved together. 

 

Also, this marks the first spin-off/lit I have ever riffed with the most episodes. I mostly did short spin-offs like Ruty's and Bikini Bottom High as training wheels, but this is the first full series I have ever riffed on doing 12 out of 23 episodes. It may have been grueling. It may have been tough. It might have taken me a while to do some episodes, but it was definitely worth it. Good riddance, Down Under. I can't wait to do the next series now, considering that it's pretty short.

[Metal Snake]

*looks at all the talk of Eddsworld being in the same league as Down Under*

Oh boy, people are going to hate the next episode of SBC Honest Trailers

But yes, these riffs were very, very well done. Jjs totally outdid himself at the end.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Shouts outs to the riffers who somehow toughed it out through all of that, whereas I tapped out after my like first two riffs. Y'all the real MVPs.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC: Investigation & Prosecution.

1. The Letter

 

Episode 1: The Letter (Part 1 of 3)

[Jjs: Welcome all to SBC: Investigation & Prosecution, one of Metal Snake's personal shames. I haven't read this in 5 years, but I remember liking it when I was younger. I also bought the rights to continue this from Metal Snake at one point, but...that obviously never happened, due to laziness and me working on so many projects at the time (I apologize to MS for that). I'm sure this probably might be very dated by now, but I doubt it'll be terrible, even if Metal considers it a personal shame of his. Also, on another note, but the 3rd episode of this will be our 200th riff overall (!), so that will be something exciting to look forward to. Now, let's investigate this. *brick'd*]

In a dark place in SBC…

[SOF: Fluttershy’s Dark Sky?]

[Metal Snake: Takin’ Out the Trash?]

[Hayden: On the Midnight Sponge theme?]

[JCM: Somebody turn on the light.]

[Jjs: Hopefully the Dark Ones aren't around.]

"We need to get rid of jjs," a mysterious voice said,

[Jjs: Bl4ze, is that you?]

"and that's why I'm entrusting you to do this."

[Metal Snake: “I’m asking you because we’re getting desperate.”]

"Alright," another person agreed, "I'll do it for you, terminoob."

[Jjs: Great, what did I do to piss off termi now? Given the timeframe, I assume he is angry I was promoted to admin after he left. Or maybe he wants revenge for our fight over his Mermaid Man: The Brave and the Bold review.]

"Glad to hear that," said terminoob. "Jjs must be stopped before it's too late."

[SOF: Too late for what?]

[Hayden: "He's gaining power and will soon become the kingpin of this site I founded but am not interested in administrating."]

[Metal Snake: “Just like I stopped him before it was too late to improve Mermaid Man: The Brave and the Bold.”]

[JCM: He can't stay up past his bedtime.]

[Jjs: Maybe I found out how to defeat terminoob in an argument, his one true weakness.]

Sometime later...

[Hayden: Still a less confusing flow of time than Down Under.]

[Jjs: I would call the Vagueness Police here, but I'm okay with Past!Metal not getting too specific on us after Down Under's haphazard time skips.]

It was 6:30 AM in the morning, and jjsthekid was sitting in his house typing something on his laptop.

[Jjs: Given the timeframe of this story, probably a new chapter of SBC Parallel Universe. Or it is really just "something".]

Recently, he had been devoting his time to searching for evidence that would incriminate terminoob's subordinates, and was recording his thoughts and ideas on the computer. He hadn't been able to sleep well the past few days, as he had been staying up late to work on finding information for the SBC police.

[Hayden: Jjs? Not able to manage his sleep patterns well? I don't buy it.]

[JCM: We apparently have a police force now.]

[Jjs: Riffing Theater has a ton of police forces, so I can't complain. Hopefully we don't have to call too many though on this work, as that would be quite ironic...oh dang, don't make me bring back the Irony Police now!]

"This job is a lot more stressful than I thought it was going to be," said a tired jjs. "I need to stay awake to type this, I'm going to have to make some coffee."

[Hayden:  ]

[SOF: Good luck with that.]

[Metal Snake: “Mrs. Garrison knew...she would have to make coffee.”]

[Jjs: I don't even like coffee.  ]

Jjs walked downstairs, and was about to go into the kitchen, when he saw an envelope lying next to his front door. It had apparently been delivered through the front door's mail slot, but jjs had already collected his mail from yesterday, and he knew the mail didn't come this early where he lived.

[SOF: Maybe this is the postman’s way of saying “Good morning.”]

[Jjs: "I didn't know the mailman delivered this early."]

"What is this?" Jjs asked himself as he picked the envelope up.

[JCM: I'm sure it isn't anthrax. Just go ahead and open it.]

[SOF: Don’t tell me, yet ANOTHER ATTWL 3 callback?]

[Jjs: Oh, stupid fictional me! "This" is an envelope, silly! You use them to put mail in.]

There was no postage or address on the envelope, and the words "From Your Friend" were written on the middle of it.

[Metal Snake: Seems legit.]

[Hayden: I want a friend that stalks me to my house before 7 AM and leaves the title of this episode at my door.]

Out of curiosity, jjs opened it up and found a piece of paper with text written in blue pen.

[Jjs: Wow, whoever it is was thoughtful, since blue is my favorite color! They must really be a true friend.]

It read:

Dear jjs,

You better not continue your work for the police. If you do not relinquish your position as a detective, I will kill you in the most inhumane way imagined by man.

[SOF: What a lovely letter.]

[Jjs: Are we sure this isn't Bl4ze disguised as terminoob?]

[JCM: Did you say you were a friend, again?]

[Metal Snake: “I will cut you up so bad...you won’t even know what cut you up so bad!”]

[Hayden: Which man, specifically?]

Give up, or else you can kiss the light of day goodbye.

[Jjs: Pretty sure I kissed "goodbye" to the light of day when I joined a SpongeBob forum and made a theater dedicated to riffing other people's fanfictions instead of interacting with people outside like a normal human bein-wait, what were we talking about again?]

[Hayden:  ]

Love,

The Man You Love to Hate

[SOF: Cool letter, bro.]

[Metal Snake: What Saturday morning cartoon villain wrote this?]

[Hayden: One that Jjs loves to hate.]

"What the hell?!" Jjs shouted, as he stared at the letter in disbelief.

[JCM: Yeah, I know. Blue ink? How tacky.]

[Jjs: I was probably more disbelief'd on whether if they used the right type of blue or not.]

"Terminoob...it has to be him..." he said as he pressed his fingers against the letter in frustration.

[Metal Snake: Terminoob is the last SBC user I can imagine writing something like that.]

[Hayden: Since when do Jjs and Terminoob have a conflict of this nature? Even like a trace of it from one time? Are my SBC History lessons spotty?]

"I need to show this to the police!"

[Hayden: Well, showing it to them isn't the same as working as a police officer. Nice loophole, mang.]

[Jjs: But aren't you already showing it to the police if you are working for them?]

At the police station...

That70sguy was at his desk reading over the threatening letter that jjs showed him.

"Wow, this is incredible," said 70s.

[Jjs: I know, it may have been threatening, but they had the decency to write in my favorite color at least!]

[JCM: That's a death threat, not an English paper.]

[SOF: No surprise here, 70s doesn't have any emotion here reading the letter.]

[Metal Snake: No kidding.]

"You were just promoted to being a detective not so long ago, and you've already become a target."

[Hayden: So being targeted is a rite of passage for Jjs.]

[Jjs: Detective Jjs, at your service? Eh, still better than Sherlock SOF.]

"I need to know who sent this letter immediately," a nervous jjs said. "There's no postage on it, so it couldn't have been mailed to me. The person who wrote that came to my house and put it in my mail slot last night, so they must know where I live."

[Hayden: They would need to know where you live to send it via postage, as well.]

[Jjs: Maybe the mailman delivered it for terminoob and was too lazy to be concerned about no postage. Or maybe he was too tired to read to notice.]

"While it must be terminoob's message in this letter," 70s responded, "I doubt that he would come to your place in the middle of the night himself.

[JCM: Because again, he can't stay up past his bedtime.]

[Metal Snake: ...You got half of that right.]

[Hayden: They all just know it's terminoob because Detective ESP.]

[Jjs: Yeah, we may have no lives, but I'm pretty sure termi isn't that desperate. Or maybe he was too tired to do it at night.]

I believe that he had one of his subordinates write it and deliver it for him, but we can't know for sure who did it without any evidence."

[Jjs: I'd keep an eye on that mailman, if I were you.  ]

"The purpose of this letter is probably just to intimidate me," jjs said, "but I can't take any chances. I'll have to stay at a friend's house in the meantime."

[SOF: I guess the Witness Protection Program isn’t a feasible option.]

[JCM: Just hope that friend isn't anything like the one who wrote that letter.]

"Good idea," replied 70s. "I need to give the letter and envelope to our forensic expert, Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, so he can indentify any fingerprints or handwriting similarities.

[JCM: hilaryfan80 does know his indentation.]

I'll also have Officers Clapmaster and JellyfishJammer talk to the people around your neighborhood and ask if they saw anyone suspicious around your home. For now, I don't need you roaming around and doing detective work in broad daylight."

[Metal Snake: “Basically, you’re on house arrest.”]

[Jjs: Don't worry, I'll do it at night, since terminoob is apparently too tired to deliver the threatening message at night.]

"That's fine with me," jjs said half-heartedly as he got up and prepared to leave. He was disappointed that he wasn't going to be able to help much at all with this case.

[Hayden:   ]

"We'll call you when we get any updates on the situation," 70s informed him. "Just remember to stay safe."

[SOF: Yay, obvious advice!]

[JCM: Good thing you told him that or he'd have totally forgotten to stay safe.]

[Jjs: Just when I was planning to not stay safe and walk out in public when I know my life is on the line. Good thing I have 70s to steer me straight.]

"Alright." Jjs replied as he walked out of the station.

[Jjs:  ]

Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away…

[Jjs: Don't get too specific.]

[SOF: Whoa, what are we going so far away from the police station for?]

[Metal Snake: What, are we moving states?]

Officer Clappy was outside of the store "Steel's Super Target" writing a ticket for spongebobiscool, who had parked his car in a handicapped zone.

[Metal Snake: Is that the space for users who have to use online keyboards?]

[JCM: No, it for users who have very handy caps.]

[Hayden: More importantly, Steel owns a chain of Targets and he put himself in the name? He could be the real one Targeting Jjs.]

[Jjs: Furthermore, if Steel gets a Target, why don't I have my own store named after me?]

Spongebobiscool was coming out of the store with the items he had purchased, when he saw Clappy putting the ticket on his car windshield.

"Hey, wat are u doin to my car?" a confused spongebobiscool said as he walked up to his car and grabbed the ticket.

"I'm not doing anything to the car," Clappy replied, "I'm giving you a ticket for parking it in an area where you're not supposed to park."

[SOF: "I’m also writing you a ticket for loitering where you’re not supposed to be loitering."]

"1000 doubloos?!" spongebobiscool exclaimed as he read the ticket. "This is rdiculos, I jus pay 300 for my stuf, an how was I suppos to know not to par khere?

[Jjs: If you can't even spell that sentence properly out, I'm assuming he can't read parking signs, either. The SBC education is really going downhill.]

[JCM: 1000 doubloos isn't cool. You know what is cool? spongebobiscool.]

[Hayden:  ]

"Let me explain it in words even you can understand," said Clappy as he put his hand on his face.

[Metal Snake: Wow, I made Clappy sound like a condescending jackass.]

[Hayden: That's exactly how he sounds when he makes bets with me, so don't feel too bad Metal Snake.]

[SOF: Bad Past!MS, you shouldn't have made him a bad cop.]

"The BLUE area is only for SBC members who are either disabled, or happen to be over the age of 80.

[SOF: Haha, it's funny because that was ED’s fake age.]

[Metal Snake: Ha ha, geddit, Elastic did that joke for his profile back in the day.]

[Jjs: The fact they even planned for any possible member who is over 80 shows they think about everyone, at least. This police force is definitely more competent than the ATTWL 3 imaginary police, Bikini Top police, and Runaway Sponge police all combined so far.]

You are neither disabled or elderly,

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: nor]

so you are not allowed to park here. You did so despite that, so now you have to pay a fine of one thousand doubloons as punishment. Got it?"

"I'm starting to getting piss now,"

[JCM: R. Kelly approves of this.]

[Hayden: You've always had piss. It happens every time you drink water.]

[Jjs: You got piss? Sicko!]

an angry spongebobiscool responded. "You charg me mony even thogh I done nothin wrong! I ned money to buy thins, so you better not give me thi crap alright?!"

[SOF: *chuckle* What is this, the second coming of “Cruse this keyboard!”? ]

[Hayden: spongebobiscool needs money to buy surgery to become thin. Just give him a warning this time.]

Clappy stared at spongebobiscool with a furious look on his face.

[JCM: 2 Clap 2 Furious]

In the next shot, spongebobiscool was handcuffed, and in the backseat of a police car.

[Metal Snake: I wonder if we skipped a scene where spongebobiscool tried to assault Clappy and pull him into his Trap of Doom.]

[Jjs: And that friends, is why you don't piss off Officer Clappy.

]

"Wat i do?" spongebobiscool asked as Clappy slammed the car door.

"Just take him down to the station, Jelly," Clappy said to Officer JellyfishJammer, who was driving the police car.

[Jjs: Jelly might be driving, and sbiscool may be the disgruntled guy in the back of the cop car, but at least I do know Clappy has shotgun!]

"When will you learn that we don't have the patience for this garbage, sbiscool?" a disappointed Jelly said as she started the engine.

[Metal Snake: I for one have the patience for this garbage.]

[JCM: garbage is trash]

[Hayden: As we've learned Jelly, they never really reform.]

[Jjs: You've been a bad boy. I want you to think about what you've done sbiscool, and no SpongeBob for a month.]

"DAM IT!" sbiscool shouted. "ALL OF U GUYS ARE IDOTS

[Apple: Introducing IDots, where you can pretty much press “.” all the time and make your finger hurt!]

[Metal Snake: Idots? Is that Apple’s latest creation? iDots?]

FOR DOING THIS! I FEEL LIK KILING U CRAZY COPS! FIRE UP IN THE HOLE!"

[SOF: Cops: SBC edition]

[JCM: He should consider joining NWA.]

[Hayden: He should fire something up his hole.]

[Jjs: "BRING IT ON U CRAZY MODS/ADMIN ETC FIRE UP ON THE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!! FIRE UP ON THE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"]

"Oh, how silly of me to forget," Jelly replied. "Never. You'll NEVER learn."

[Metal Snake: Never say NEVER.]

[Jjs:

]

"Officer Jelly? Officer Jelly? Come in." 70s said over the intercom.

[JCM: Cummin'? Who's cummin'?]

[SOF: Metal Snake, do you read, we got a problem with this lit being too lazy.]

"Officer Jelly here, Lieutenant." Jelly replied into the communicator.

[Metal Snake: 70s seems to serve more as the chief than a lieutenant.]

"I need both you and Officer Clapmaster to report back at the police station, immediately." 70s said.

[Jjs: "And get my coffee and doughnuts while on the way!"]

"I was just about to head back there, sir," said Jelly. "What's going on?"

"Something strange..." 70s replied.

[JCM: So strange Marvel's making a movie out of it.]

[Metal Snake: Again, no kidding.]

[Hayden: Don't they have a codebook with numbers? Instead of "something strange" 70s just needed to tell Jelly it was a "1080".]

[Jjs: At least it was someTHING and not someONE. Once again, this lit sure doesn't want to get too specific. Don't make me call the Vagueness Police...]

Meanwhile, approximately 94.58677 miles away…

[Jjs: That's oddly specific, and yet still not specific enough.]

[Metal Snake: Humor?]

[SOF: Looks like it.]

[Hayden: I'm glad the mileage has continuity.]

Jjs was outside, knocking on the door of the house of the person known as Luke (or Metal Snake or LukeJames, whatever he wishes to be called).

[Metal Snake: Again, humor?]

[JCM: Laugh. It's funny.]

[Hayden: It's only gotten a Lukewarm reaction so far, if it's humor.]

[Jjs: Pick one, any name will do. Is this a "Choose Your Own Path" story now? Let's hope we don't take the wrong route.]

He had returned to his house earlier for a short while to pack only his clothes, and the bare essentials in a suitcase that he was carrying in his left hand. He also had his laptop in a bag that he was carrying over his right shoulder.

"Hello?" Luke asked as he answered the door.

"Luke!" Jjs exclaimed. "I need to stay over at your place for a few days. I got a death threat from someone who knows where I live."

[SOF: Wow, he didn’t waste any time breaking the bad news.]

[Metal Snake: Way to cut to the chase.]

[Jjs: Wow, I'm really blunt in this lit so far. If someone close to him died, would I have approached it like this?:

"Luke! I need you to grab a shovel and dig a hole, because your pet dog just died."]

"Wow," Luke said, "so sorry about that. I guess you can stay over for a while, but why didn't you call me and tell me about this in advance?"

[JCM: Because screw you, that's why.]

[Metal Snake: ...Good question.]

"I didn't think it would make a difference," said Jjs. "Not trying to sound rude, but I've never seen you question my motives, you agree with me on a lot of things."

[Metal Snake: “You being a yes-man justifies me being discourteous!”]

"Eh, guess you're right." Luke replied.

[Jjs: Wow, way to prove my snide fictional self's point there, Luke Metal Who The Hell Am I James Snake.]

[Hayden: The flower of Metal Snake's people.

 ]

"I rest my case." Jjs said.

[Metal Snake: Holy crap, I can’t believe I made Jjs come off as such a snide ass. xD]

[JCM: And you made yourself come off as a spineless wimp. I thought I was mean to my characters.]

[Hayden: The first case of SBC IP has been cracked.]

[Jjs: That was quite a brief case. So brief, that I even brought a briefcase to Luke's house just to prove it.]

Just then, Jjs got a call on his cell phone. He checked the caller ID, and was pleased to see that it was 70s.

[SOF: Of course he’d be pleased about it being 70s.  ] 

"Oh yes," said Jjs happily, as he then answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Jjs, I have something to tell you," said a startled 70s. "We have a suspicion on who may have sent you that letter."

[SOF: You found out who loves to hate jjs?]

[Metal Snake: The butler’s maid?]

"Thank God," Jjs said in relief, "who do you think did it?"

"I hate to say it," 70s replied, "but we were able to trace some fingerprints on the envelope of the letter. hilaryfan80 confirmed that they were SpongeOddFan's fingerprints, and we have put out a warrant for his arrest."

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Jjs: I knew SOF had it out for me. Maybe this is his payback for his death in SBC Parallel Universe.]

[JCM: This is what happens when you let Stephen Harper run a country.]

[Hayden: Then it's not a suspicion. The suspicion was Terminoob, but scientific evidence has proven SOF to once again inexplicably be at the center of controversy.]

"What?!" Jjs shouted in shock.

[Metal Snake: DUM DUM DUMB]

[SOF: WAH WAH WAAAH]

[Hayden: You better "wah" SOF, because the good grammar in that letter will not go unpunished if you wrote it.]

End of Episode One.

Tune in for Part Two, as this mystery is still yet to be solved.

[Jjs: Oh, silly me! Here I thought it was actually SOF and was going to mark the case as closed!]

[JCM: I feel betrayed.]

[SOF: No thank you.]

[Hayden: Arresting a Canadian wasn't the exact solution?]

[Metal Snake: No shit, Sherlock (HAHAGEDDIT?).]

Please post your thoughts and opinions on this lit if you desire, it'll help me decide whether I should continue this fic or not.

[Metal Snake: It sucks. There’s my thought and opinion, now cancel this shit.

In all serious, however...I expected this to be a lot worse coming back to it. Don’t get me wrong, this is still bad, but at least it’s lulzy and I’m enjoying riffing it thus far.] 

[SOF: Same, it sucks, though I was also expecting it to be worse. Although, this is looking bad so far so NEXT!]

[Hayden: Only the first chapter, but at least this story seems to have a plan in motion. Plus the characterization isn't too off-base, and it used side characters like "spongebobiscool" the right way. I'm glad we're back to these hi-jinks. Even if the story derails with a certain SBC trend from back when this was written, I'd still give it a passing grade. We'll see if I'm being too generous right now though.]

[Jjs: Whatever opinions you did receive, they didn't seem to help you continue it, considering this ended after the 5th chapter.

Joking aside, I'm actually weirdly enjoying so far. It's a breath of fresh air after riffing Eddsworld and Down Under back to back. It's nice to have something make sense again. It's definitely dated, but it has a lulzy and campy charm to it so far. So far I don't find it bad, but we'll see where this goes.]

 

Edited June 22, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

Spoiler alert Hayden, you're being too generous. The next four chapters cram MLP down your throat, as you like to say it.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC: Investigation & Prosecution

2. Spiked and Jacked

 

 

[Fred: *wakes up after Down Under coma* Uhhhh, where am I? Oh, I'm riffing a different work here. Well, let's do it to it.]

Episode 2: Spiked and Jacked (Part 2 of 3)

[Fa: Is this an SBC lit or somebody's college sex tape?]

[Metal Snake: Uh...this chapter isn’t going to feature a rape scene, right? O_O]

[Hayden: Unless you took inspiration from tvguy, no MS.]

[OMJ: Looks like I came back just in time!]

[SOF: I hope it's not what we think is coming, right...?]

[Trophy: Well there were some things I didn't exactly like in the last chapter, such as having to take Clappy's word on the blue thing without a sign around, and the closest officers being 100 miles away (like nobody closer that won't take at least an hour to get down there? Also, how damn large is SBC then) but overall, this has been tolerable. Let's see if that continues.]

[Fred: Will Spike from MLP make an appearance in this episode? And "jacked", I don't even want to know what that means in this context.]

From where we abruptly left off…

[SOF: Thanks for acknowledging your bad pacing.]

[Metal Snake: Self-awareness=comedy!]

[Hayden: Meta Snake.]

[Narrator: Last time, on a very special Clone High...]

[Fa: As I abruptly return after the travesty that was Down Under...]

SOF had been arrested, and was at the police station being interrogated by 70s in the lieutenant's office.

[Metal Snake: Which should be the chief’s office.]

[OMJ: So abrupt, that we didn't even get to see his arrest unfold. Bummer.]

"I can't believe that you're the one who sent that letter, SOF," said a disappointed 70s. "I thought you were jjs' friend."

[SOF: Not just jjs’ friend.]

[OMJ: 

]

[Fred: I'm not your friend, buddy!]

[Hayden: 70s is oddly invested in the SOF/jjs relationship to take this so personally.]

"It was nothing personal," SOF said in defense, "but I had to write it."

[Trophy: Well it must be personal, considering he's in ties with the soon to be attempted murderer at this rate.]

[SOF: So I’m the killer?]

[Metal Snake: I didn’t know threatening to kill someone was nothing personal.]

[Hayden: It was an SOF April Fools prank gone wrong.]

[OMJ: PatBack threatened to kill of us too, myself included, and I don't remember ever saying even two words to the guy.]

[Fa: Nothing personal since it would be done in the most inhumane way according to the first ep. Nothing at all.]

"I know that you didn't write the message in this letter SOF," 70s replied. "I know that you were just the one who sent it to him."

[SOF: Then who wrote it?]

[OMJ: I'd crack a joke right now, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna look like a dick.]

"What?" SOF asked in confusion.

"Even though your speech is completely understandable," 70s said, "I doubt you would be able to write the message in this letter just fine. While English isn't your first language, there are no spelling or grammar errors in this message, mistakes that you've been known to make in written speech."

[Metal Snake: So he can speak in fluent English but he can’t write in fluent English? What the hell?]

[OMJ: Well at least 70s here is being the dick for me.]

[Fa: 70s, not just the emotionless leader, but now grammar teacher to boot!]

[Hayden: If this is police work, I think we're all qualified to be cops.]

"What is that supposed to mean?" a frustrated SOF asked. "I can write in English perfectly!"

[SOF: *facepalm*]

[Trophy: Is he trying to get himself indicted here?]

[OMJ: That's because Luke is writing this story- DOH!]

[Fred: Isn't lying during an interrogation an offense or something?]

"Oh boy," 70s said while pinching his nose.

[Hayden: SOF doesn't smell that bad.]

[Metal Snake: Me right now.]

[SOF: Same.]

[OMJ: Did Jjs just post a new episode of SBC*holds nose*PU right then?]

[Fred: *nasally* OH BOY.]

"SOF, if that's true, then prove it."

"What are you talking about?" SOF responded as 70s grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from the office.

[OMJ: This is Gitmo levels of torture here.]

"Show me your handwriting," 70s said as he put the pen and paper down on the desk. "Write your name down on this piece of paper."

[Trophy: Well three letters shouldn't be too hard.]

[Fa: Okay, I get the grammar issues, but really now?]

[Metal Snake: Wait, the letter was handwritten? Seeing as we’re on a forum site, I thought the letter would be, you know, typed on a computer and printed out?]

"Okay then." SOF said nervously.

[Fa: Okay, this is getting into the ridiculous territory for me at least.]

[Hayden: K-a-n. *slips cheat note to SOF*]

SOF grabbed the pen and was about to write his name, when he paused and looked up at 70s.

[Trophy: It's just a few letters, not a grammar issue or anything. There's no way he should have this much trouble with forging his name.]

[OMJ: Oh, so if you do write good then congratulations, you can take your congratulatory spanking in the communal showers. You would be in even more shit if you do write exactly like in the letter, I'd be typo'ing my ass off right now.]

[Hayden: SOF's grammatical pride is more important than going to jail.]

"Go on, I'm waiting." 70s said.

[Metal Snake: For your love tonight…]

SOF sighed, and then wrote his name on the paper.

[Fred:  ]

"I knew it," 70s remarked as he saw SOF's handwriting. "This looks nothing like the writing in the letter."

[Trophy: Wait a second....did it even say anything about his name in the paper? I know handwriting can be different and all, but he should be writing words from the letter, not his own name!]

[SOF: Different font style?]

[Fa: ....You're telling me you didn't test it before arresting him? Come on now.]

"You got me," SOF replied, "I didn't write it, I just sent it."

[Trophy: It explains the fingerprints, but didn't they also test the handwriting and therefore should have gotten more than just SOF?]

[OMJ: Well, it's not like it was a necessarily good thing if you had written it, but whatevs.]

"Who was the one who asked you to send this, SOF?" 70s questioned. "Was it terminoob?"

"The person who asked me to do this would kill me if I revealed his identity," SOF responded, "so all I can tell you is this. The person who wrote the letter is someone who jjs hates."

[Fred: Surprise twist: 70s wrote it.]

[Fa: Well, clearly the relationship is frosty...]

[Metal Snake: *who jjs dislikes. Granted, I do remember jjs saying he hated ‘X Controversial Member’ a few times way back then when times were different, but that’s beside the point. Why is SOF even bothering telling them such a vague clue?]  

[SOF: Vintage SOF.]

[OMJ: Alright, arrest him for withholding evidence or something.]

"Not too surprising," said 70s. "Anything else besides that?"

"Yeah," SOF informed him. "There are two SBC users that you should talk to about this, JCM and 4EverGreen. They usually hang out behind Old Man Jenkins liquor store,

[Trophy: JCM and 4Evergreen hang out in back to back sentences, all while being unironic. Who knew.]

[Metal Snake: *gives old me a high-five*

FINALLY, something about this lit that has actually held up, me making OMJ a bartender. I do NOT regret that.]

[Fa: OMJ the bartender. I can see it.]

[OMJ: Well, at least story!OMJ has the right idea being around so much liquor. I could use some right about now.]

[Fred: Could you sell me some too? I know I'm only 17, but it's the only way I can make it through this lit.]

[Hayden: *tries to think of a single thing JCM and 4EverGreen have in common* Wait, behind the liquor store? So they just sit next to a dumpster like bums?]

and they may have some ideas on who wrote the letter, if you know what I mean."

[OMJ: So they're gonna take 70s under their wing?]

"Thank you for telling me about this, SOF," an impressed 70s replied.

[OMJ: Not a single typo to be found! Maybe he did write the letter and he's just been faking it this whole time...]

[Hayden: Well, if SOF can say that much without the killer hearing, what would stop him from just telling them who it is and asking to be put into police protection?]

"However, I'm afraid you are still under arrest. You still took part in this crime, and you will be punished 
accordingly for it."

[Trophy: Have you ever heard of the phrase, "Don't shoot the messenger"?]

[70s: Now I want you take these 5 warning points and don't think about what you did.]

[Hayden: SOF deserves it for trying to evade the option that ends with him in a coffin.]

"I know." SOF said sadly, as he got off the chair, and was escorted to a cell by 70s.

[Trophy: How long is he in for anyways?]

[Hayden: Long enough to learn how to write the letter without any typos.]

[SOF: Poor Fictional!me...]

[OMJ: DON'T DROP THE DOUBLOONS]

Meanwhile, over 12,852 centimeters away,

[Metal Snake: HA HA, BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUNNY THE FIRST TIME.]

[Trophy: Is 12,852 a reference to something?]

[Fred: What does that translate to anyways? Million miles away?]

[Fa: Not even that it's bad, just incredibly awkward to imagine things in centimeter distance.]

down at OMJ's liqour store...

[OMJ: Does anybody want any whiskey? I'm gonna go in and get a whiskey.]

JCM and 4EverGreen were behind the store talking. JCM was pulling a cigarette out of a pack that he just bought from the store, and 4EverGreen was holding a magazine under his shoulder that read "Animated Animals Weekly".

[Metal Snake: Pfft, what? Did you actually think Down Under would be the end of the furry porn?]

[Trophy: Guess JCM never got the anti-smoking PSA in middle school.]

[OMJ: Hmm, smoking, reading dirty magazines AND loitering behind liquor stores? These two are just too school for school.]

[Fred: I see the new issue with Almost Naked Animals came in.]

[Hayden: Is 4EverGreen funding this magazine series himself?]

"We won't be seeing Jjs around these parts anymore." JCM said with a smirk.

[Trophy: Then again, he sounds like he has mafia ties, so I guess screw the PSA's!]

[OMJ: Should've just pulled a That's So Raven and break his kneecaps if you really wanna feel accomplished with yourself.]

[Hayden: You mean to tell me Jjsthegangsta has gone there regularly before?]

[Fred: The Smirk Knight.]

"I have an :idea: for him," an equally happy 4EverGreen said.

[Fred: Jesus, 4EverGreen substitutes words with emotes now?!]

"Instead of getting involved in other people's business, he can get a life.

[Metal Snake: Well, you kind of made it his business by, you know, threatening his life.]

[SOF: Well to be fair, you do want him dead...]

[Fa: Well I mean, someone wants to kill him it seems, so...]

[OMJ: And up til' just now, I thought that's what they were doing. This story and its twists and half turns!]

[Fred: 

]

In short, 4EverGreen is not amused. :suspect:"

[Fa: Why?]

[Trophy: Yay for third person!]
[OMJ: Hey, this ain't Skodwarde.  ]

"You're weird, man." JCM said as he pulled a lighter out of his pocket and lit his cigarette.

[SOF: This chapter is weird so far.]

[OMJ: That has to possibly be one of the most unintentionally funniest things I've read in all of litdom.]

[Fred: This lit sure is "lit". Get it? Because he lit a cigarette?]

"Whatever." 4EverGreen said as he rolled his eyes. He then began looking at his magazine and started giggling.

[OMJ: You'd think he's reading Total Cartoon Island. Cuz he's literally the only one that gets that much of a kick out of it.]

[Hayden:  ]

"What the crap are you looking at?" a curious JCM asked. He looked over at the magazine and saw that 4Ever was looking at a picture of Sandy Cheeks dressed in a swimsuit.

[Fa: Excuse me, gonna go scrub my mind real quick.]

[Trophy: Well this depicted sbiscool and 4EverGreen correctly, so bonus points here.]

[Fred: 4EverSandy.]

"Ugh!" JCM exclaimed upon seeing the picture. "You're looking at a FEMALE cartoon animal almost completely exposed?! That's disgusting!"

[Fa: Ummm, alright then...]

[Metal Snake: So this character of JCM is homosexual and a furry? Yeah...I’m just going to wait to see the other riffers’ reactions to this.]

[SOF: JCM, that's gross.]

[Hayden: JCM hasn't even seen the worst of it.]

[Trophy: Well, it's better than same gender cartoon animals that are completely exposed, even if it doesn't show anything in particular, it's still-]

[OMJ: I can hear the feminists swarming around the riffing theater now.]

"Hey, my mom confiscated all the pictures I drew of Spongebob and Squidward, this is the closest thing I have to it right now." 4EverGreen replied in defense.

[Metal Snake: Please don’t remind us of Spongebob: Diaries of a Serial Killer.]

[Trophy: Scratch what I just said!]

[Fa: Yuck!]

[OMJ: But you didn't draw any pictures of Sandy? The feminists are getting louder.]

[Hayden: But she didn't find out about your subscription fetish?]

[Fred: I bet nortonstime over at SBM would get a kick out of those.]

Just then, a police car pulled up to the store, and Officers Clappy and Jelly got out. They went behind the store, as JCM and 4EverGreen noticed them.

"Um, hello officers," said JCM sheepishly as 4EverGreen put the magazine behind his back. "What are you doing here?"

[Metal Snake: “Nothing to see here except my friend and I trying to hide our furry enthusiasm.”]

[Fa: "Nothing you want to know about."]

[OMJ: I'm sure they're there to hook up much like how you two were.]

[Fred: Drinking liquor, smoking cigs, and looking at furry magazines from what it looks like.]

"A certain person told us that we could find you here," said Clappy. "Jjs, an investigator from the police department, has received a threatening note from an unknown source, and we have been given reason to believe that you know what the "source" is."

"I have no idea what you mean by that." JCM denied, trying to draw away suspicion from him and 4Ever.

"Just to let you know, we have proof that SpongeOddFan was the one who sent that note," Jelly informed them. "There's no use trying to lie, it's only a matter of time before we figure out who wrote it."

"I resent that remark," 4EverGreen responded with false bravado.

[OMJ: Most accurate thing I've read so far.]

"I'll insist that JCM and I had nothing to do with that note. Falsely accusing us of this crime isn't going to get you anywhere, so you can go and do your "police work" somewhere else. Enough said, true believers!"

[Fa: This statement by 4EG did not meet the standard smiley quota.]

[Metal Snake: Man, quoting 4EverGreen just isn’t the same without smilies.]

[OMJ: 4EverGreen in response to any criticism he receives ever.]

[Fred: I don't think enough was said there.]

[Hayden: The biggest mystery in this lit is who those true believers even are.]

"Whatever he said." JCM said as he continued to smoke his cigarette.

"Are you smoking?" Jelly asked. "You're still fairly young, that stuff will mess your body up."

[Fa: Where's Rob Reiner to help these kids?]

[Metal Snake: Lol, “fairly young”. JCM was 15 at the time this was written, below the legal age for smoking cigarettes. I guess he’s also fairly young to buy alcohol from OMJ’s liquor store.]

"You think I care?" JCM replied as he blew smoke in Jelly's direction. "I can do whatever I want, that's a fact."

[OMJ: Well, you can't argue with that.]

[Fred: And that's his slogan!]

[Trophy: Jesus, he's a hipster? Well I'm trusting this for accurate character depictions, so...]

[Hayden: Jesus has misled JCM to cancer. Well, led him there faster.]

Suddenly, Jelly grabbed JCM's wrist and squeezed it tight.

[Metal Snake: OOOOOHHHHH]

[OMJ: But you can break a somebody's arm!]

[Hayden: JCM's wrist is like a stress ball.]

[Fa: Well damn, police brutality lesson now.]

"No," Jelly said in frustration as JCM grunted and dropped the cigarette in pain, "it's an opinion. And you must have a very high opinion of yourself if you think you can talk that way to an officer!"

[OMJ: Damn, this is actually getting good.]

"JCM!" 4EverGreen shouted as Jelly held JCM up against the wall.

[Trophy: Uh, I know he didn't talk in a respectful manner to you, but you offered him advice and said he didn't care, even if he was a little rude about it, I don't think that's good reason to hold him up against a wall!]

[OMJ: But that second hand smoke he gave her constitutes as attempted murder in the second degree.]

[Hayden: I, Hayden, officially endorse violence against all smokers.]

"Listen you jackass," said Clappy as he grabbed 4EverGreen's shirt collar. "I don't care if you and your friend had something to do with this or not, you talk to us with respect, understand?"

[Trophy: Maybe you could try doing that as well?]

[Metal Snake: BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO]

[SOF: Next time on SBC Cops, JCM & 4EG drive drunk and end up in a police chase.]

[OMJ: Who knew this would apply even up til' today?]

[Fa: Not so sure for the reasoning behind the Jelly & Clappy brutality, but ok then...]

"Yes." 4EverGreen said nervously as he dropped the magazine.

[Fa: Not even one .] 

[Hayden: You know it's serious when 4EverGreen lets that out of his grasp.]

"Good," replied Clappy as he pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "Now you and your buddy are going to come down to the station with us, and you're going to answer a few questions of ours. If you comply, and you're truly innocent, we'll let you go. Enough said."

[Trophy: Aww no smileys.  ]

[OMJ: No "true believer", either.]

[Fred: Enough said, true believers!  

Hey, if he's not gonna do it, someone on here has to.]

Clappy and Jelly handcuffed the two. As they walked back to the car, Jelly accidentally stepped on the magazine that 4EverGreen dropped.

"I don't even want to know." Jelly said as she saw the title.

[Trophy: Then don't say anything about it!]

[OMJ: But had it been a Beatles magazine, oohh myyy.]

[Hayden: That's personal property and "evidence", you have to collect it.]

Later, exactly 9278.54 radians a...oh forget it, at Luke's house…

[SOF: Guess Luke doesn't like his own running gags now.]

[Metal Snake: So I was getting tired of this joke...but I put it in anyways. Huh?]

[Fa: At least he knew when to stop it.]

[Fred: Thank you, Luke, I'm tired of doing algebra to figure out what the hell you're talking about.]

"I just can't believe SOF would write something like that, I just can't." Jjs said to himself as he was laying on the bed in the guest room of Luke's house.

[OMJ: You and 70s both.]

[Hayden: 70s didn't even update jjs? What else is he doing at the office? Calling his imaginary wife to tell her he'll be late to dinner because of a case?]

"By a man I love to hate," he said quoting the letter. "Why in the world would SOF write that? There's no one in SBC that I truly hate besides terminoob."

[Metal Snake: It’s funny, because even back before I wrote this, Jjs implied to me that he didn’t hate terminoob. I know he’s talking about terminoob’s character, but it’s still awkward to read.]

[OMJ: If this gets unfinished before the angry sex payoff, I'm not gonna be amused.]

[Hayden: The story has offered no other option than Terminoob, so let's cut to the chase even if the detective-ing has been lulzy.]

Suddenly, jjs came to a realization.

"Hold on," he thought. "SOF, and a man that I hate...That's it! I know who did it!"

[Metal Snake: Jjsthekid! Solving mysteries by putting SOF and a vague clue together since 2011!]

[Fa: Jjs, get a clue!]

[OMJ: So, angry threesome, then?]

[Fred: Um, besides a few spats, I'm pretty sure that Jjs doesn't dislike anyone on here. Could it be a lurker from a different forum he hates? That's the only believable theory.]

[Hayden: 

]

And so, jjs and the police started to catch on to the writer's identity.

[OMJ: But you don't have to see that. This isn't exactly CSI or NCIS where at least more cool shit happens.]

[Fred: CSI: SBC.]

All is not well though, as there is yet another foe lurking in another part of SBC...

[OMJ: Lemme guess, the the wrong side of the tracks?]

It was evening, and the sun in the sky was beginning to set. A creature known as Rainbow Dash

[Trophy: Oh, was this during the brony phase?]

[Fred: Of course a pony would be behind all this. Bray-vo, Luke.]

[Fa: Would this story be ruined if I just imagined the Mario Kart level instead of the obvious?]

[Metal Snake: Oh God, I’m cracking up. Spoiler alert, I’m talking about the user Rainbow Dash, not the MLP:FiM character. For the uninformed, Rainbow Dash was an obscure member from back in 2011 who wasn’t liked by a lot of people because of how he came off to others on the Xat with his MLP obsession. After hearing about his behavior from Jjs, I thought it would be funny to do an arc poking fun at him in the style of Rusty’s Raping Rampage. And seeing as how ponies were big back then, I felt that it was a match made in heaven.

Sorry for the explanation dump, but I feel it’s necessary, as a large part of what comes after this is not going to make sense unless I elaborate on it now.]

[SOF: Don’t forget that he also changed from Rainbow Dash to Lew to MarioOrangeDash and pretended to be ACS on the Xat, but that’s another story.]

[OMJ: Well, I suddenly know even less going out than I did going in. ]

[Hayden: For a second, I thought actual ponies were inhabiting SBC and had a grudge to settle with Jjs.]

was outside of a giant building in the outskirts of town. He was no ordinary person, he had the lower body of a pegasus and the upper body of a man. He was a brony, a being who was half man, half pony,

[OMJ: aka fap material for 4EverGreen]

[Fred: Half man, half pony, half bear, and half pig. Manponybearpig.]

[Hayden: Oh never mind, we're going there after all. Is this a Peter Parker type accident?]

[Trophy: Please don't go further....]

[Metal Snake: Ha ha, because justham (another obscure member) made that joke long ago and I stole it. In-jokes you have to live in 2011 to get, aren’t they great?]

[Fa: X-Bronies!]

and he also had an uncontrollable urge to give people all over the community headaches.
His current objective, however, was to kill terminoob, for he was a threat to him. 

[OMJ: But you don't have to know why exactly. This isn't Law & Order: Trial by Jury.]

To do this, he had ventured to the meadows far away from the community,

[Metal Snake: I’d like to know where these “meadows” are. The “far away from the community” bit doesn’t make any sense because wouldn’t that mean he had left the site? Did he in real life just decide to go outside?]

[OMJ: Either that or he went to the cc.cz site.]

[Hayden: I hang out in SBC's meadows all the time. There are fresh memes growing all over the place. hilaryfan80 waters it twice daily.]

following the prophecy told in a poem that he had known since he was a child.

[Metal Snake: And now, time for poetry with Gary.]

[Fred: Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn't rhyme, why does it need to?]

One born of the celestial heavens
One born of the solar and lunar
Will meet the shadow of himself
As the demise of the community grows sooner

The one who dashes through the skies
The one who dashes through rain with ease
Must come to the lofty shrine in the meadows
Where only the shy winged creatures flutter through the breeze

There will be a sparkle in the twilit sky
There, an event of rarity will occur
Through an offering of a potion of fruit, spike and applejack
A new ally you shall procure

A shadow of your bitter, angry self
Yet a loyal assistant faithful and true
A creature who shall bring discord and pain to others quickly
Yet a ditzy partner who will do anything for you

Your only hope of survival is this ally
One who has mastered the sonic dash
If you fail to destroy the ruler of the community
You will forever be known to unnamed bronies as Rainbow Crash

[Unnamed Brony: Hello, Rainbow Crash!]

[Metal Snake: Okay, I’m not riffing the poem line by line because it was at least an honest attempt at being creative, but the last line of it mystifies me. “Unnamed bronies”? Bronies have names. You mean the nameless bullies who called Rainbow Dash that insult in the show? Because everyone’s going to get such an obscure reference.]

[Trophy: Well, it's still better than what I've wrote over the past few years, he knows how to rhyme!]

[OMJ: *chokes from having ponies shoved down throat*]

[Hayden: Rainbow "Crash" is determined to to have this literature train go off the tracks.]

The "lofty shrine" mentioned in the poem was a building that only a brony such as Rainbow Dash could see just before sunset.

[OMJ: I suddenly feel the urge to play Spyro the Dragon right now.]

[Hayden:  ]

He believed that he was the one that was talked about in the prophecy, and had traveled to this place to see if it was true. 

[OMJ: Well I guess this is Law & Order: Trial by Jury, then.]

As he walked inside the temple, he noticed that there were four stone statues of four ponies on the ground below an opening in the building where he could see a shining light in the sky.

[OMJ: Is this some parallel universe where we never had that Roger's Lightbulb fight and Tvguy actually did make the ponies section?]

[Fred: We must be riffing an episode of SBCPU again.]

"I hope this works." Rainbow Dash said to himself as he pulled out a canteen of fruit punch mixed together with hard apple cider.

[OMJ: 

]

[Metal Snake: So it’s fruit juice mixed with fruit juice mixed with alcohol. Fascinating.]

[Hayden: That's one way to get your daily portion size of fruit.]

[Fred: Hawaiian Punch Lite is my favorite beer.]

[Fa: A brony sex tape in fact? ] 

Rainbow Dash poured the concoction on the floor, and it turned black, as the shining light in the sky expanded.

[OMJ: He forgot to accidentally add a special ingredient to the concoction: Chemical X!]

"Ugh!" Rainbow Dash grunted, as the light blinded his vision.

Once the light was gone, he looked in front of him, and saw a figure.

[SOF: Huh? A figure was created from fruit juice?]

[Metal Snake: “A figure” couldn’t have been any more descriptive.]

[OMJ: The Powerpuff Girl?]

[Fred: Ten bucks says it's an MLP character.]

"Is this...my new ally?" Dash asked himself.

[Hayden: You sure you didn't drink some of that before pouring it on the ground?]

End of Episode Two.

Reviews will be appreciated.

[SOF: I don’t get the title, was it just a bad pun about being jacked up? Otherwise, this chapter is meh.]

[Metal Snake: I hope you appreciate my review that this chapter was also bad and I have no idea why it was called “Spiked and Jacked”. Was it referring to Spike and Applejack? Was it a pun on the fruit juice mixed with fruit juice and alcohol? That’s just jacked up.]

[Trophy: I'm not seeing anything really bad of this. There are some notable stuff like how Clappy is just a jackass for the sake of it, then demanding respect of all things just because he's a freakin' police officer, lord knows how if he used to be nice, but not really like anything done before, like it's watered down a lot more than usual.]

[OMJ: I actually like it as far wacky ole SBC lits go so far. I'm being far too nice here. Gimme some more easy SOF material.]

[Fred: That episode sure was weird and it will probably get weirder from this point. I see a lot of MLP references in the future.]

[Hayden: The episode was dandy doodle for amateur work. But I still have no idea what the hell I read in the last several paragraphs......and I'm very afraid of an SBC with demonic half-ponies engulfing everything.]

[Fa: It's refreshing to be back on these smaller stories after the monstrosity that was DU, but I digress. This definitely has some around the edges moments like the SOF/70s scene was entirely too long/illogical, and I'm not sure exactly why Clappy and Jelly were written so authoritarian-like, but it could be a whole lot worse, even though I understand why MS doesn't like it too much.]

 

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

"The creature known as Rainbow Dash"

Still cracks me up. These riffs are pretty good, I'm glad people are having fun with this.

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC: Investigation & Prosecution

3. Punishment

(Note: This is the 200th riff!)

 

Episode 3: Punishment (Part 3 of 3)

[Metal Snake: Kinky punishment.]

[OMJ: Reading this is punishment enough, hehe, amirite?! I can't even believe myself...]

[Hayden: Fitting that this is the 200th episode we punish with our sly knack for verbal beatdowns.]

[Jjs: Wow, 200 riffs. It's really hard to believe, but we've made it this far. At least I won't be kidnapped again for this milestone riff, so I can actually riff it for once. As punishment for making it to 200, we're going to riff the third chapter, titled...Punishment. Alright then.]

It's finally time for the conclusion…

[Hayden: Too bad you had to go two more episodes instead of letting the 3 parter tie it all up.]

[SOF: Cool, can we move on?]

[Metal Snake: Reusing “It’s finally time” from the second episode’s addendum, loving how original the beginnings of my sentences were.]

[OMJ: Well, this chapter went by faster than I thought it would.]

[Jjs: Considering there's still two chapters left after this one, I wouldn't say this is the "conclusion" just yet. Might want to be more specific there, bucko.]

From where we last left off, jjs had a strong suspicion on who wrote the letter, and he was calling the police to tell them about who he suspected was the culprit.

[Trophy: How much ya wanna bet he's wrong?]

[OMJ: I like how that's worded as if Jjs himself isn't on the police force. Should've worded it like "and he was calling to inform his precinct" or somethin' along those lines.]

"Hello?" 70s asked as he answered jjs' call.

[Jjs: Is this the Krusty Krab?]

"70s, I think I know who wrote the letter." Jjs said.

"We already know who did it, jjs," 70s replied. "Goosebumpsfan wrote it."

[Trophy: Wait, what? When was he in this?]

[SOF: Wow, way to give it away.]

[Metal Snake: Well fuck me, there goes the suspense.]

[Hayden: 70s can't just let Jjs have one sense of triumph.]

[Jjs: Wow, you almost had me going there story. I thought it was going to be SOF to be honest, but his arch-foe Gurgy writing it still makes as much sense.]

"How did you find out?" Jjs asked in surprise.

[Jjs: Good question.]

[OMJ: Don't try to be slick story!jjs, we all know you had Termi on your mind.]

[Hayden: What was with the terminoob mislead obsession anyways? It's almost like MS changed his mind on the culprit to fit this disastrous pony dilemma.]

"We were able to track down two of his subordinates," 70s explained,

[Jjs: Who were they? JCM and 4EverGreen? Steve and Hobo from the Bus Station?]

[Steve: I dunno, maybe? I really don't know what's going on here, I'm just here for the 200th riff cameo!]

[Hobo from the Bus Station: It wasn't me boss, but I'll say I did it if it gets me change.  ]

"and with the aid of officers Clapmaster and Jelly, we were also able to get them to confess who wrote the Letter.

[SOF: Of course, Past!MS is having GBF play the role of the villain instead of SOF. Who would’ve guessed?]

[Metal Snake: “In other words, we tortured them.”]

[OMJ: This ain't Hawaii Five-0 or anything, so nothin' for us to have seen there.  ]

[Jjs: That letter was just so damn threatening it had to be a proper noun just to get the point across.]

All we need now is a handwriting analysis, and there'll be enough evidence to convict him."

[Trophy: If you force him to write stuff, he can just use different handwriting.]

[SOF: Implying you arrested him without incriminating evidence?]

[Handwriting Analyst: Yes, this is most definitely chicken scratch.]

[Hayden:   ]

"What's going to happen to SOF though?" Jjs asked nervously.

[OMJ: Oh the usual, nothing.]

[Jjs: I'm sure he'll be fine. If he can make it to the end of ATTWL 3 by constantly dodging bullets, and somehow being a 50 year-old god who won a race in SBC Parallel Universe, I'm sure being wrongly accused of writing a letter will be the least problem of his.]

"The two people who told us about Goosebumpsfan denied having any involvement in the actual crime," 70s said, "and there's no evidence to disprove their claim.

[Jjs: So...who were those two people again? I assume they were 4EverGreen and JCM based on the previous chapter, but this is too vague for me to assume. Saying their names wouldn't have been too hard. Sorry Metal, but I have to vaguely do something that involves calling, meaning...VAGUENESS POLICE!]

[OMJ: All this rigmarole and the only actual crime committed so far is a well thought out and organized threatening letter!]

SOF, however, confessed to sending you the letter, and there's proof that he did so as well.

[Trophy: Gee, I wonder what the proof is.]

[Metal Snake: I’m interested in what this “proof” was. Was Phineas & Ferb merchandise found at the scene of the crime?]

[SOF: Or a Phineas & Ferb style invention?]

[Jjs: Or a typo in the letter?]

[OMJ: Well, he did confess in the last ep so I guess that's proof enough.]

[Hayden: False confessions never happen in these crime shows though.]

I'm sorry jjs, but..."

"It's okay 70s, I get it." Jjs responded sadly.

[Jjs: You can really feel the emotion, folks.]

[Hayden: So the two douchebags with cartoon porn and cancer are free to go despite telling you the letter writer (thereby admitting involvement), but SOF gets the grammar book thrown at him for reasonably trying to save his skin?]

[Metal Snake: Funny how he responded “sadly”, because that sounds more like the kind of thing you say with sass in your tone rather than sorrow.]

[Trophy: Having his ol' buddy SOF arrested must be harsh on him.]

[OMJ:

]

A day later, at the SBC courthouse…

[SOF: Oh boy...why am I not excited?]

[Trophy: Oh boy...why would you be?]

[OMJ: I think you mean the "SBCourthouse".]

[Hayden: Because court hearings happen this fast in real life.]

"May the defendant, Goosebumpsfan, please stand," Judge Elastic said. "Do you have a lawyer?"

[Metal Snake: “Just making sure the guy sitting next to you with an attorney’s badge on his suit isn’t actually The Hobo from the Bus Station.”]

[OMJ: Now I can only imagine Slappy from Night of the Living Dummy as his lawyer.]

"Yes, your honor," Goosebumpsfan replied.

"I, defense attorney Wumbology will be the defendant's lawyer this trial, your honor." Wumbology said.

"Of course," Elastic said.

[Metal Snake: Of course the words, “of course”, were necessary here. Were people really expecting any member besides Wumbo to be made a defense attorney?]

[Trophy: I was banking in on Steel.]

[OMJ: I was banking on Slappy and I am terribly disappoint!]

[Jjs: I was expecting SOF to be his lawyer, silly me.]

"Mr. Goosey, you are being charged with making a death threat to an elite member 

[OMJ: Hehehe, that was a thing.]

of the SBC police force, jjsthekid, in the form of a written letter.

[Jjs: And he wrote it in my favorite color, nonetheless! This man has no shame!]

The police have also claimed that you had an accomplice known as SpongeOddFan deliver this letter to jjs' residence, a claim that was backed by both SOF himself, who confessed to taking part in this crime, and two users known as JCM and 4EverGreen, who claim that both you and SOF contemplated the death threat. These are serious accusations Goosey, how do you plead?"

[Metal Snake: You know, it’s somewhat stunning that for a dumb, lulzy story written for people on a SpongeBob site, an intended to be professional elaboration on how a crime was carried out to a court is the least riffable thing in this chapter. Too bad that in real life, the prosecution is supposed to be the one to explain something like this to the court, not the judge. I mean, this is only the argument for the accused’s guilt, right? But at least you were close, 2011!me.]

[Trophy: Uh, what's his punishment for pleading guilty? Isn't it usually less than if you plead non guilty then are found guilty? Also whatever the hell is the crime for guilt anyways, a spanking?]

"Not guilty, your honor." Goosebumpsfan responded.

Elastic sighed and put his hand on his forehead.

[OMJ: I'm sure he's sorry about wanting to prove his innocence and will surely not do it again if it impedes on anymore of your obscure movie watching time.]

[Hayden: I predict much bias in Judge Elastic.]

[Jjs: What, is Elastic going Judge Judy all of a sudden?]

"Does the defense have any evidence to support your innocence, Mr. Goosey?" Elastic asked wearily.

[OMJ: Gotta embrace for the amount of cringe that's probs to come.]

"Your honor, my client does not require evidence to support or prove his innocence," Wumbology said assertively, "for it is the truth that he is not guilty of these charges. Even though it seems unlikely, the truth can not always be proven, so let us just put our trust in this man's innocence. That's all I have to say your honor."

[Trophy: ....I wish Ace Attorney was that easy.]

[Hayden: Wumbo makes James McGill look like an outstanding defense attorney.]

[SOF: What is this I don't even...]

[Metal Snake: Best defense statement ever. Watch out Phoenix Wright, you’ve got competition.]

[OMJ: You see how wonderful defending a life can be, WHEN YOU'RE MANIACAL.]

"Very...err, convincing," a puzzled Elastic responded. "May prosecutor ExKizuna make his statement now."

[Jjs: Of course Ex is the prosecutor. I think that is what the "of course" should have been used for, because I bet people TOTALLY expected Wumbo to defend Gurgy.]

"Your honor, this trial is completely pointless," said ExKizuna. "The police conducted a handwriting analysis, and the results showed that Goosebumpsfan's handwriting matches the writing in the letter. The jury was also shown the evidence before this trial even began, the defendant is clearly guilty, there is no reason to continue this any further."

[Jjs: Welp, good enough for me. Ex said it, so it must be true! Bring in the dancing lobsters!]

[Metal Snake: Wait, what?! So ExKizuna just gathered the jury together behind the scenes to show them incriminating evidence of the defendant...so that there would be no need for a trial...but they’re having a trial anyways?! Jumping Jesus, I got LAZY here. I really couldn’t have been arsed to write a scene where Ex shows the jury the evidence in court?! O_O] 

[Trophy: Uh...isn't it illegal to do that?]

[OMJ: You really couldn't have been arsed to write a handful of scenes, but like I said, this isn't Cold Case.]

[Hayden: Goosey is being screwed by the system today.]

"Objection!" Wumbology shouted.

[Jjs:  ]

"So my client is guilty

[Jjs: Jesus Christ, I can just imagine you doing a fine job being OJ's lawyer.]

[SOF: Lol, Wumbo just decides to give up the case already.]

[Metal Snake: This character of Wumbo for defense attorney of the century. Even when a defense attorney loses a case, he’s not supposed to admit that his client was guilty. But no, Wumbo actually has the balls to say “fuck the system, my client is innocent even if he is guilty! How do you like them apples?!”.]

of threatening the police, but who could blame him? With the police watching him at every turn, waiting for him to make a mistake that they could punish him for, is it any wonder he would crack sooner or later? Do we really have a right to prosecute him? Do we really have a right to punish him for crimes that we are as guilty for as he is?! I rest my case!"

[Trophy: So....he's trying to say the police are a bunch of jackasses. Is it bad I agree with this version of Wumbo so far?]

[OMJ: Well, surely this defense worked since years later, PatBack is still here even after threatening to kill all of us.]

[Hayden: Jelly and Clappy's brutality is making Wumbo's case for him. But will anyone bring that evidence forward? NOPE.]

"Is it too late to make a confession, your honor?" Goosebumpsfan said sadly.

[Metal Snake: At least Past!me was self-aware.]

[OMJ: This whole trial has been sad.]

[Hayden: Just tell them you were trying to write an ominous letter to be scary like your Goosebump book series.]

"Has the jury reached a verdict?" Elastic asked as he buried his head in his hands in disappointment.

[Trophy: No, I still need to re-look over everything for 6 hours.]

[OMJ: Figured you'd be happy it finished this quickly given your apathy earlier.]

[Hayden: I guess Elastic was rooting for a different verdict?]

[Jjs: Wow, even Elastic wants out of this.]

"Indeed we have, your honor," said Fa, one of the members of the jury. "We find the defendant guilty of all charges."

[Trophy: This is way too quick for a courtroom....]

[Jjs: Given Wumbo's brilliant "defense", I imagine it took them all less than two seconds to come to that verdict.]

[Metal Snake: Now isn’t that ironic? Fa, SBC’s patron Ace Attorney fan, is the one given this line. The reason I say ironic is because I didn’t know he was a devout fan of the games back then. I swear, it still spooks me how these SBC shows sort of predict this stuff.]

"Mr. Goosey, this court has found you guilty," Elastic said. "For this heinous act against humanity, both you and SOF, your aforementioned accomplice, will be sentenced to death."

[Trophy: WAIT WHAT!??! DEATH? WHAT WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF HE JUST PLEAD GUILTY?]

[Hayden:

]

[Metal Snake: Hooray, another line that has actually held up today.]

[Elastic: Court dismissed! Bring in the dancing lobsters!]

[OMJ: but srsly, I see it as more of a mercy killing after witnessing that piss poor defense. Elastic knows you can't live that one down.]

[Jjs: Wow, first SOF kills Goosey in SBCPU, and now this. I see we really liked Goosey in lits back then.]

"Ahem." Ex grunted as he handed Elastic a piece of paper.

"Oh," Elastic said as he read the paper. "It appears that the crime committed by the defendant does not merit the death sentence. In that case, I sentence you to prison for an amount of time that I do not feel like determining at the moment.

[Jjs: Words cannot describe how hard I lol'd. I see Elastic really woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.]

[Trophy: ....Uh, ok? He could've just said it would be determined later by the police, really makes you wonder how he got the job in the first place.]

[Metal Snake: Elastic for judge of the century.]

[OMJ: Hey, who am I to judge. *gets tomato'd*]

[Hayden: He doesn't feel like determining it at the moment........so SOF and Goosey can stay in there 5 minutes and then say they've technically done their time since nothing was set. At least have a window period, dude.]

Court dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters."

[Jjs: YES! FINALLY!]

[OMJ: Wow, are my jokes that predictable? MS ain't lying, it's crazy how SBC lits predicts these kinds of things!]

[Hayden:  ]

"Ahem." Ex muttered as he handed Elastic another piece of paper.

[OMJ:  ]

[Jjs: Now what? Our police force may be competent, but it seems we need to make some adjustments to our judicial system...]

"Oh," Elastic said as read the second sheet of paper. "It appears that the dancing lobsters retired from their duty five months ago. In that case, court is just dismissed."

[Trophy:  ]

[SOF: The Amanda Show reference for the win!]

[OMJ: Well in that case, I should consider a career as a dancing lobster. I hear they get good medical.]

[Hayden: They quit their jobs because they got pretty steamed.]

[Jjs: Wait, he just now realized that? When was the last time they had a case?]

Back at the police station...

[OMJ: But how far away is it??]

"Thank you for all the help," Jjs said to 70s.

[Dora the Explorer: Thanks for helping!]

[70s:

]

"You don't have to thank me," 70s replied humbly. "Me and the others were just doing our jobs."

[SOF: “Yup, it’s all in a day’s work, taking internet users to court for writing threatening letters.”]

[OMJ: Yeah, stick to your day jobs of running a SpongeBob forum.]

[Jjs: After 70s' ego stroke and blandness in Down Under and SBC Parallel Universe, it's a weird change of pace to see him being humble for once.]

"I know," Jjs said, "but I still hate how I couldn't do anything to help you."

[Jjs: That's okay, you get a participation ribbon for trying.]

"I'm surprised how you found out that Goosebumpsfan was the one did it," 70s commented, "when I had just come to the same conclusion."

[OMJ: Yeah, given how all that we've been led to believe heading into this chapter was Jjs hating Termi.]

[Hayden: You're surprised that a fellow police officer had the wits to narrow down who he hates? That's rather insulting, Mr. Humble.]

"To be honest, I didn't get suspicious until I remembered the last part of the letter," Jjs responded. "Goose addressed himself as a man that I "love to hate". At first, I thought that whoever wrote that was just trying to sound cool,

[Metal Snake: Pfft. Loving to hate things is so 2011.]

[OMJ: "Signed, a person that you love to hate" That's how I should end every single one of my posts!]

[Hayden: Yeah, long letter, hard part to remember.]

but when you told me that SOF was involved with this, it hit me. Before I became a detective, there was one person that I couldn't stand who was associated with SOF, Goosebumpsfan."

[Jjs: ...And just now I realized that? Wow, I must have short-term memory loss or something.]

"Very interesting," 70s said.

[Trophy: Well, when you're compared to that court case, sure it is!]

[Metal Snake: I find this very interesting for different reasons. This mystery was solved by...hatred? Are you kidding me? This is the crappiest puzzle I ever worked into a mystery-themed story, it didn’t make any sense. Shame on you, Past!me.]

[OMJ: I wish my photographic memory of everyone I hate was that on point.]

"The one thing we still don't know though is the motive, whether they were just doing this to intimidate you, or if this really was a threat from terminoob to kill you."

[Metal Snake: ...Or maybe it was both?]

[OMJ: In any case, they should've just given one of his works a bad review. That would've gotten the message across mighty finely.]

[Hayden: The story's going to have to act fast to make me understand why terminoob's name keeps being brought up, because he hasn't even shown up yet.]

"Eh, I really don't care that much anymore," an indifferent jjs said.

[Jjs:  ]

[OMJ: Now THAT'S cool.]

[Hayden: Yeah, Jjs has other things to worry about, like putting up his 200th episode of Riffing Theater 3000.]

"No matter what the motive was, SOF chose to take part in this, and for that, he does deserve whatever punishment he's given. It may be hard to accept, but that's the way it is."

[Hayden: Even though it's clear Goosey is an enemy of SOF that was out to get him, both are on the same level of scummy behavior here.]

[SOF: “It’s hard to accept that this mystery was dull and short, but that’s the way it is.”]

[Metal Snake: Nothing short of poetry.]

[OMJ: A slap on the wrist is a pretty hard fate to accept.]

[Jjs: "You've been a bad boy, SOF. I want you to think about what you've done, and no Phineas & Ferb for a month, young man!"]

The case has been closed, and court has been dismissed.

[SOF: Yeah we know, you don't have to repeat it again.]

[OMJ:

]

[Jjs: Welp, that's all folks. Looks like we can head home-]

At terminoob's hideout...

[Jjs: ...Or not. Gee, what a shock.]

"From what I've heard from JCM and 4EverGreen," a man known as NightmareFan said, "SOF and Goosebumpsfan have blundered.

[SOF: Just like how you blundered with those fake accounts on TV.com.]

[OMJ: It warms me heart to see that everybody with the slightest vendetta against SBC all know each other. Oh god, I'm not riffing SBC*holds nose*PU again, am I?!]

[Hayden: Wumbo, Elastic, and the two people you formerly mentioned, also blundered. The police force is also just a blunder waiting to happen. All I'm saying is, don't restrict the blunder blame to just two people.]

"I knew they would get caught," terminoob replied, "but it was necessary to do this regardless. I have to give Jjs a knowledge of what he's dealing with."

[Jjs: So...why couldn't you have written and/or delivered the letter yourself? Isn't termi smart enough to know the henchmen are worse than the actual villains, or was he just really that damn tired that night?]

[Trophy: Don't you hate him? Just blindside him and take the killing blow before he can react.]

[Metal Snake: Three things…

A “knowledge” of what he’s dealing with? What are we, in Bad Video Game Translation Land? “An idea of what he’s dealing with” is just fine.

So you sacrificed two of your men...just to tell Jjs that you wanted to kill him? That’s...stupid.

Also, PLOT HOLE POLICE! At the start of Episode 1, you said you had the letter sent to “stop Jjs before it was too late”! Too late to do what, I might ask? It’s never explained. Ugh, could this show get any lazier?]

[Hayden: It's astounding Jjs even knows what he's dealing with, considering nothing in that letter should've made him so sure it's you.]

"That's funny," a voice said from behind,

[Metal Snake: So stupid, it’s funny?]

[OMJ: So funny, I forgot to laugh.]

[Jjs: Funny, but not the "haha" kind of funny.]

"because I just so happened to have a similar thought, only with you."

[Rainbow Dash: I've decided that I'm not insecure enough to agree to a THREE WAY.]

"What?" terminoob responded in surprise. "That voice...Rainbow Dash?"

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Metal Snake: How did Ashleigh Ball find her way into this story?]

"Somewhat," said the figure who revealed himself to be a brony with pink hair, a pink lower body,

[Metal Snake: Ooh la la.]

[Trophy: Hooray for details!]

[Jjs: "It's big, scary...AND PINK!"]

and a face almost identical to Rainbow Dash's. 

[OMJ: With that description, you'd think he's Pinkie Pie.]

"I am an incarnation. An incarnation known as Pinkie Hooves."

[OMJ: Ehh, close enough.]

[SOF: Who?]

[Metal Snake: Oh yes, explanation time again. Pinkie Hooves was a subsidiary account of Rainbow Dash’s (or a nickname he would go by on Xat, whatever). Moving on, incarnation couldn’t be any more descriptive. What, is he Rainbow Dash’s doppelganger? His imaginary friend made real? His fanart of Pinkie Pie as a centaur brought to life?]

[Trophy: I am really scared to ever go back into the archives now...]

[Jjs: We're really going for a philosophical route here?]

[Hayden: *twitches in revulsion*

 ]

"What have you done?" terminoob asked in shock.

[Metal Snake: This show couldn’t have asked a better question, what have I done?]

[OMJ: He's shoving ponies down our throat, that's what.]

[Hayden: Well terminoob, he's done the worst crime possible in Riffing Theater, he's become a nonsensical lit villain formed by pop culture.]

[Jjs: He made this chapter come to an abrupt end, for one. Also, terminoob really needs better security at his hideout to prevent strangers from entering in.]

End of Episode Three.

Reviews will be appreciated.

[Metal Snake: It’s still bad. There, review’s over, pay me.]

[SOF: This chapter is lazy as hell. Review's over.]

[Trophy: All I know is...well it doesn't take a Professor Layton to solve a puzzle? Is that good enough?]

[OMJ: Yeah, after that pathetic (though possibly realistic) display of justice there, I've been brought back around to not showering this with as much praise as I did last time. And with that, I must bid this story adieu. Time to return to my day job that is posting on a SpongeBob forum.]

[Hayden: In retrospect, I'm not sure this needed to be divided into 3 parts. Each one had a different title, and nothing has been absolutely resolved yet. I guess I'm cautiously excited to see how MS writes Termi. Totally want this pony user to clop off however. Stay glued for our next milestone loyal viewers.]

[Jjs: This still isn't bad, but I have to admit, the further we go into it, the more I am seeing flaws. The whole courtroom scene definitely dragged on and felt like a waste of time, but it is still lulzy. We'll see how this ends.

And in celebration of the 200th JRT riff, here's a trip down memory lane, looking back at the good and bad times we've had from all the works we've riffed so far...

-Bryan Errin's supernatural and teenage angst adventures, Heather and Seth's relationship-on second thought, I still want to forget that, NOT Glee musical numbers, and whatever a "thewot" is in Bikini Top.

-Squidward setting a fart on fire in Squidward's Childhood.

-Critic SOF's summarizing corner, and the magnificently lulzy finale.

-The troll adventure that is Sponge's Atlantis.

-Squidward opening a gun store for some reason in Patrick V.S. World.

-SpongeBob turning into a creepypasta in Childhood Deleted With SpongeBob SquarePants.

-Austin Layers and Carl Housed in The Runaway Sponge.

-Basically everything in ATTWL 3...whether it be good or bad. Special shoutout goes to brilliant scenes such as Sponge "Hey, Where Did I Get These Candy Bars From" Sebastian's death, the "cart-like catapult", "At least he died in the name of sarcasm, and I'll honor him for that", and the fact being shot in a hand can kill you.

-Sergeant Bad, Douchebag!Neptune, Frank, Ugly Mindy, and pimps in Prince Neptune.

-Doodledave and Doodlebob's epic cock contest in The Adventures of Doodlebob.

-Mrs. Puff wanting Linus to "lay on him" and Mr. Krabs wanting to shank somebody in Life of Larry the Krab.

-The melodramatic soap opera that was Patty Daddy.

-Whatever the hell World of Gloves was.

-The spotlight stealer Hassan, Goosey's execution, the NOT parallel universe, Speed Racer ExKizuna, Two Face Mothra, SOF as God, "Wow, I don't know what to say in this debate, but wow, just wow", in SBC Parallel Universe.

-Once again, whatever the hell Whatever Happened to Conch Street? was.

-SpongeBob going on a lulzy murder rampage, and Sandy becoming communist in SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer.

-NOT Bikini Top and the short-lived adventures of Monroe in Bikini Bottom High. And by "adventures", we mean getting laid at a party and becoming the starting quarterback in 5 seconds.

-LT's censored swear words and Eminem going Assassin's Creed on the Rut Crew in Ruty's Rapping Rampage.

-Natasha-man-fish, a "quarter to the UK"...and pretty much everything else in Eddsworld Meets SpongeBob.

-Trying to understand what happens in Down Under, added in with Major Boobage, 70s being God, Hassan being a psychopathic murderer, and Ex raping someone on an imaginary roller-coaster.

-And, currently, our lulzy police investigation in SBC: Investigation & Prosecution.

Special thanks to everyone who has been a part of Riffing Theater over the years, and here's to another 100 riffs, maybe!]

Edited June 25, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Joe Biden]

Wow. I can't believe it. 200 riffs. I really can't believe we've made it this far.

 

Here's to another 200.

 

Also, great riffs too. I'm just so overwhelmed that this is the 200th episode.

[Metal Snake]

You guys are going to take me all the way to hell for the last two episodes, they're definitely the worst in my opinion. xD

[fortnitefan12]

On 6/21/2016 at 10:42 PM, jjsthekid said:

SBC: Investigation & Prosecution

2. Spiked and Jacked

 

  Reveal hidden contents

[Fred: *wakes up after Down Under coma* Uhhhh, where am I? Oh, I'm riffing a different work here. Well, let's do it to it.]

Episode 2: Spiked and Jacked (Part 2 of 3)

[Fa: Is this an SBC lit or somebody's college sex tape?]

[Metal Snake: Uh...this chapter isnt going to feature a rape scene, right? O_O]

[Hayden: Unless you took inspiration from tvguy, no MS.]

[OMJ: Looks like I came back just in time!]

[SOF: I hope it's not what we think is coming, right...?]

[Trophy: Well there were some things I didn't exactly like in the last chapter, such as having to take Clappy's word on the blue thing without a sign around, and the closest officers being 100 miles away (like nobody closer that won't take at least an hour to get down there? Also, how damn large is SBC then) but overall, this has been tolerable. Let's see if that continues.]

[Fred: Will Spike from MLP make an appearance in this episode? And "jacked", I don't even want to know what that means in this context.]

From where we abruptly left off…

[SOF: Thanks for acknowledging your bad pacing.]

[Metal Snake: Self-awareness=comedy!]

[Hayden: Meta Snake.]

[Narrator: Last time, on a very special Clone High...]

[Fa: As I abruptly return after the travesty that was Down Under...]

SOF had been arrested, and was at the police station being interrogated by 70s in the lieutenant's office.

[Metal Snake: Which should be the chief’s office.]

[OMJ: So abrupt, that we didn't even get to see his arrest unfold. Bummer.]

"I can't believe that you're the one who sent that letter, SOF," said a disappointed 70s. "I thought you were jjs' friend."

[SOF: Not just jjs’ friend.]

[OMJ: 

]

[Fred: I'm not your friend, buddy!]

[Hayden: 70s is oddly invested in the SOF/jjs relationship to take this so personally.]

"It was nothing personal," SOF said in defense, "but I had to write it."

[Trophy: Well it must be personal, considering he's in ties with the soon to be attempted murderer at this rate.]

[SOF: So I’m the killer?]

[Metal Snake: I didn’t know threatening to kill someone was nothing personal.]

[Hayden: It was an SOF April Fools prank gone wrong.]

[OMJ: PatBack threatened to kill of us too, myself included, and I don't remember ever saying even two words to the guy.]

[Fa: Nothing personal since it would be done in the most inhumane way according to the first ep. Nothing at all.]

"I know that you didn't write the message in this letter SOF," 70s replied. "I know that you were just the one who sent it to him."

[SOF: Then who wrote it?]

[OMJ: I'd crack a joke right now, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna look like a dick.]

"What?" SOF asked in confusion.

"Even though your speech is completely understandable," 70s said, "I doubt you would be able to write the message in this letter just fine. While English isn't your first language, there are no spelling or grammar errors in this message, mistakes that you've been known to make in written speech."

[Metal Snake: So he can speak in fluent English but he can’t write in fluent English? What the hell?]

[OMJ: Well at least 70s here is being the dick for me.]

[Fa: 70s, not just the emotionless leader, but now grammar teacher to boot!]

[Hayden: If this is police work, I think we're all qualified to be cops.]

"What is that supposed to mean?" a frustrated SOF asked. "I can write in English perfectly!"

[SOF: *facepalm*]

[Trophy: Is he trying to get himself indicted here?]

[OMJ: That's because Luke is writing this story- DOH!]

[Fred: Isn't lying during an interrogation an offense or something?]

"Oh boy," 70s said while pinching his nose.

[Hayden: SOF doesn't smell that bad.]

[Metal Snake: Me right now.]

[SOF: Same.]

[OMJ: Did Jjs just post a new episode of SBC*holds nose*PU right then?]

[Fred: *nasally* OH BOY.]

"SOF, if that's true, then prove it."

"What are you talking about?" SOF responded as 70s grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from the office.

[OMJ: This is Gitmo levels of torture here.]

"Show me your handwriting," 70s said as he put the pen and paper down on the desk. "Write your name down on this piece of paper."

[Trophy: Well three letters shouldn't be too hard.]

[Fa: Okay, I get the grammar issues, but really now?]

[Metal Snake: Wait, the letter was handwritten? Seeing as we’re on a forum site, I thought the letter would be, you know, typed on a computer and printed out?]

"Okay then." SOF said nervously.

[Fa: Okay, this is getting into the ridiculous territory for me at least.]

[Hayden: K-a-n. *slips cheat note to SOF*]

SOF grabbed the pen and was about to write his name, when he paused and looked up at 70s.

[Trophy: It's just a few letters, not a grammar issue or anything. There's no way he should have this much trouble with forging his name.]

[OMJ: Oh, so if you do write good then congratulations, you can take your congratulatory spanking in the communal showers. You would be in even more shit if you do write exactly like in the letter, I'd be typo'ing my ass off right now.]

[Hayden: SOF's grammatical pride is more important than going to jail.]

"Go on, I'm waiting." 70s said.

[Metal Snake: For your love tonight…]

SOF sighed, and then wrote his name on the paper.

[Fred:  ]

"I knew it," 70s remarked as he saw SOF's handwriting. "This looks nothing like the writing in the letter."

[Trophy: Wait a second....did it even say anything about his name in the paper? I know handwriting can be different and all, but he should be writing words from the letter, not his own name!]

[SOF: Different font style?]

[Fa: ....You're telling me you didn't test it before arresting him? Come on now.]

"You got me," SOF replied, "I didn't write it, I just sent it."

[Trophy: It explains the fingerprints, but didn't they also test the handwriting and therefore should have gotten more than just SOF?]

[OMJ: Well, it's not like it was a necessarily good thing if you had written it, but whatevs.]

"Who was the one who asked you to send this, SOF?" 70s questioned. "Was it terminoob?"

"The person who asked me to do this would kill me if I revealed his identity," SOF responded, "so all I can tell you is this. The person who wrote the letter is someone who jjs hates."

[Fred: Surprise twist: 70s wrote it.]

[Fa: Well, clearly the relationship is frosty...]

[Metal Snake: *who jjs dislikes. Granted, I do remember jjs saying he hated ‘X Controversial Member’ a few times way back then when times were different, but that’s beside the point. Why is SOF even bothering telling them such a vague clue?]  

[SOF: Vintage SOF.]

[OMJ: Alright, arrest him for withholding evidence or something.]

"Not too surprising," said 70s. "Anything else besides that?"

"Yeah," SOF informed him. "There are two SBC users that you should talk to about this, JCM and 4EverGreen. They usually hang out behind Old Man Jenkins liquor store,

[Trophy: JCM and 4Evergreen hang out in back to back sentences, all while being unironic. Who knew.]

[Metal Snake: *gives old me a high-five*

FINALLY, something about this lit that has actually held up, me making OMJ a bartender. I do NOT regret that.]

[Fa: OMJ the bartender. I can see it.]

[OMJ: Well, at least story!OMJ has the right idea being around so much liquor. I could use some right about now.]

[Fred: Could you sell me some too? I know I'm only 17, but it's the only way I can make it through this lit.]

[Hayden: *tries to think of a single thing JCM and 4EverGreen have in common* Wait, behind the liquor store? So they just sit next to a dumpster like bums?]

and they may have some ideas on who wrote the letter, if you know what I mean."

[OMJ: So they're gonna take 70s under their wing?]

"Thank you for telling me about this, SOF," an impressed 70s replied.

[OMJ: Not a single typo to be found! Maybe he did write the letter and he's just been faking it this whole time...]

[Hayden: Well, if SOF can say that much without the killer hearing, what would stop him from just telling them who it is and asking to be put into police protection?]

"However, I'm afraid you are still under arrest. You still took part in this crime, and you will be punished 
accordingly for it."

[Trophy: Have you ever heard of the phrase, "Don't shoot the messenger"?]

[70s: Now I want you take these 5 warning points and don't think about what you did.]

[Hayden: SOF deserves it for trying to evade the option that ends with him in a coffin.]

"I know." SOF said sadly, as he got off the chair, and was escorted to a cell by 70s.

[Trophy: How long is he in for anyways?]

[Hayden: Long enough to learn how to write the letter without any typos.]

[SOF: Poor Fictional!me...]

[OMJ: DON'T DROP THE DOUBLOONS]

Meanwhile, over 12,852 centimeters away,

[Metal Snake: HA HA, BECAUSE IT WAS SO FUNNY THE FIRST TIME.]

[Trophy: Is 12,852 a reference to something?]

[Fred: What does that translate to anyways? Million miles away?]

[Fa: Not even that it's bad, just incredibly awkward to imagine things in centimeter distance.]

down at OMJ's liqour store...

[OMJ: Does anybody want any whiskey? I'm gonna go in and get a whiskey.]

JCM and 4EverGreen were behind the store talking. JCM was pulling a cigarette out of a pack that he just bought from the store, and 4EverGreen was holding a magazine under his shoulder that read "Animated Animals Weekly".

[Metal Snake: Pfft, what? Did you actually think Down Under would be the end of the furry porn?]

[Trophy: Guess JCM never got the anti-smoking PSA in middle school.]

[OMJ: Hmm, smoking, reading dirty magazines AND loitering behind liquor stores? These two are just too school for school.]

[Fred: I see the new issue with Almost Naked Animals came in.]

[Hayden: Is 4EverGreen funding this magazine series himself?]

"We won't be seeing Jjs around these parts anymore." JCM said with a smirk.

[Trophy: Then again, he sounds like he has mafia ties, so I guess screw the PSA's!]

[OMJ: Should've just pulled a That's So Raven and break his kneecaps if you really wanna feel accomplished with yourself.]

[Hayden: You mean to tell me Jjsthegangsta has gone there regularly before?]

[Fred: The Smirk Knight.]

"I have an :idea: for him," an equally happy 4EverGreen said.

[Fred: Jesus, 4EverGreen substitutes words with emotes now?!]

"Instead of getting involved in other people's business, he can get a life.

[Metal Snake: Well, you kind of made it his business by, you know, threatening his life.]

[SOF: Well to be fair, you do want him dead...]

[Fa: Well I mean, someone wants to kill him it seems, so...]

[OMJ: And up til' just now, I thought that's what they were doing. This story and its twists and half turns!]

[Fred: 

]

In short, 4EverGreen is not amused. :suspect:"

[Fa: Why?]

[Trophy: Yay for third person!]
[OMJ: Hey, this ain't Skodwarde.  ]

"You're weird, man." JCM said as he pulled a lighter out of his pocket and lit his cigarette.

[SOF: This chapter is weird so far.]

[OMJ: That has to possibly be one of the most unintentionally funniest things I've read in all of litdom.]

[Fred: This lit sure is "lit". Get it? Because he lit a cigarette?]

"Whatever." 4EverGreen said as he rolled his eyes. He then began looking at his magazine and started giggling.

[OMJ: You'd think he's reading Total Cartoon Island. Cuz he's literally the only one that gets that much of a kick out of it.]

[Hayden:  ]

"What the crap are you looking at?" a curious JCM asked. He looked over at the magazine and saw that 4Ever was looking at a picture of Sandy Cheeks dressed in a swimsuit.

[Fa: Excuse me, gonna go scrub my mind real quick.]

[Trophy: Well this depicted sbiscool and 4EverGreen correctly, so bonus points here.]

[Fred: 4EverSandy.]

"Ugh!" JCM exclaimed upon seeing the picture. "You're looking at a FEMALE cartoon animal almost completely exposed?! That's disgusting!"

[Fa: Ummm, alright then...]

[Metal Snake: So this character of JCM is homosexual and a furry? Yeah...I’m just going to wait to see the other riffers’ reactions to this.]

[SOF: JCM, that's gross.]

[Hayden: JCM hasn't even seen the worst of it.]

[Trophy: Well, it's better than same gender cartoon animals that are completely exposed, even if it doesn't show anything in particular, it's still-]

[OMJ: I can hear the feminists swarming around the riffing theater now.]

"Hey, my mom confiscated all the pictures I drew of Spongebob and Squidward, this is the closest thing I have to it right now." 4EverGreen replied in defense.

[Metal Snake: Please don’t remind us of Spongebob: Diaries of a Serial Killer.]

[Trophy: Scratch what I just said!]

[Fa: Yuck!]

[OMJ: But you didn't draw any pictures of Sandy? The feminists are getting louder.]

[Hayden: But she didn't find out about your subscription fetish?]

[Fred: I bet nortonstime over at SBM would get a kick out of those.]

Just then, a police car pulled up to the store, and Officers Clappy and Jelly got out. They went behind the store, as JCM and 4EverGreen noticed them.

"Um, hello officers," said JCM sheepishly as 4EverGreen put the magazine behind his back. "What are you doing here?"

[Metal Snake: “Nothing to see here except my friend and I trying to hide our furry enthusiasm.”]

[Fa: "Nothing you want to know about."]

[OMJ: I'm sure they're there to hook up much like how you two were.]

[Fred: Drinking liquor, smoking cigs, and looking at furry magazines from what it looks like.]

"A certain person told us that we could find you here," said Clappy. "Jjs, an investigator from the police department, has received a threatening note from an unknown source, and we have been given reason to believe that you know what the "source" is."

"I have no idea what you mean by that." JCM denied, trying to draw away suspicion from him and 4Ever.

"Just to let you know, we have proof that SpongeOddFan was the one who sent that note," Jelly informed them. "There's no use trying to lie, it's only a matter of time before we figure out who wrote it."

"I resent that remark," 4EverGreen responded with false bravado.

[OMJ: Most accurate thing I've read so far.]

"I'll insist that JCM and I had nothing to do with that note. Falsely accusing us of this crime isn't going to get you anywhere, so you can go and do your "police work" somewhere else. Enough said, true believers!"

[Fa: This statement by 4EG did not meet the standard smiley quota.]

[Metal Snake: Man, quoting 4EverGreen just isn’t the same without smilies.]

[OMJ: 4EverGreen in response to any criticism he receives ever.]

[Fred: I don't think enough was said there.]

[Hayden: The biggest mystery in this lit is who those true believers even are.]

"Whatever he said." JCM said as he continued to smoke his cigarette.

"Are you smoking?" Jelly asked. "You're still fairly young, that stuff will mess your body up."

[Fa: Where's Rob Reiner to help these kids?]

[Metal Snake: Lol, “fairly young”. JCM was 15 at the time this was written, below the legal age for smoking cigarettes. I guess he’s also fairly young to buy alcohol from OMJ’s liquor store.]

"You think I care?" JCM replied as he blew smoke in Jelly's direction. "I can do whatever I want, that's a fact."

[OMJ: Well, you can't argue with that.]

[Fred: And that's his slogan!]

[Trophy: Jesus, he's a hipster? Well I'm trusting this for accurate character depictions, so...]

[Hayden: Jesus has misled JCM to cancer. Well, led him there faster.]

Suddenly, Jelly grabbed JCM's wrist and squeezed it tight.

[Metal Snake: OOOOOHHHHH]

[OMJ: But you can break a somebody's arm!]

[Hayden: JCM's wrist is like a stress ball.]

[Fa: Well damn, police brutality lesson now.]

"No," Jelly said in frustration as JCM grunted and dropped the cigarette in pain, "it's an opinion. And you must have a very high opinion of yourself if you think you can talk that way to an officer!"

[OMJ: Damn, this is actually getting good.]

"JCM!" 4EverGreen shouted as Jelly held JCM up against the wall.

[Trophy: Uh, I know he didn't talk in a respectful manner to you, but you offered him advice and said he didn't care, even if he was a little rude about it, I don't think that's good reason to hold him up against a wall!]

[OMJ: But that second hand smoke he gave her constitutes as attempted murder in the second degree.]

[Hayden: I, Hayden, officially endorse violence against all smokers.]

"Listen you jackass," said Clappy as he grabbed 4EverGreen's shirt collar. "I don't care if you and your friend had something to do with this or not, you talk to us with respect, understand?"

[Trophy: Maybe you could try doing that as well?]

[Metal Snake: BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS, WHATCHA GONNA DO]

[SOF: Next time on SBC Cops, JCM & 4EG drive drunk and end up in a police chase.]

[OMJ: Who knew this would apply even up til' today?]

[Fa: Not so sure for the reasoning behind the Jelly & Clappy brutality, but ok then...]

"Yes." 4EverGreen said nervously as he dropped the magazine.

[Fa: Not even one .] 

[Hayden: You know it's serious when 4EverGreen lets that out of his grasp.]

"Good," replied Clappy as he pulled out a pair of handcuffs. "Now you and your buddy are going to come down to the station with us, and you're going to answer a few questions of ours. If you comply, and you're truly innocent, we'll let you go. Enough said."

[Trophy: Aww no smileys.  ]

[OMJ: No "true believer", either.]

[Fred: Enough said, true believers!  

Hey, if he's not gonna do it, someone on here has to.]

Clappy and Jelly handcuffed the two. As they walked back to the car, Jelly accidentally stepped on the magazine that 4EverGreen dropped.

"I don't even want to know." Jelly said as she saw the title.

[Trophy: Then don't say anything about it!]

[OMJ: But had it been a Beatles magazine, oohh myyy.]

[Hayden: That's personal property and "evidence", you have to collect it.]

Later, exactly 9278.54 radians a...oh forget it, at Luke's house…

[SOF: Guess Luke doesn't like his own running gags now.]

[Metal Snake: So I was getting tired of this joke...but I put it in anyways. Huh?]

[Fa: At least he knew when to stop it.]

[Fred: Thank you, Luke, I'm tired of doing algebra to figure out what the hell you're talking about.]

"I just can't believe SOF would write something like that, I just can't." Jjs said to himself as he was laying on the bed in the guest room of Luke's house.

[OMJ: You and 70s both.]

[Hayden: 70s didn't even update jjs? What else is he doing at the office? Calling his imaginary wife to tell her he'll be late to dinner because of a case?]

"By a man I love to hate," he said quoting the letter. "Why in the world would SOF write that? There's no one in SBC that I truly hate besides terminoob."

[Metal Snake: It’s funny, because even back before I wrote this, Jjs implied to me that he didn’t hate terminoob. I know he’s talking about terminoob’s character, but it’s still awkward to read.]

[OMJ: If this gets unfinished before the angry sex payoff, I'm not gonna be amused.]

[Hayden: The story has offered no other option than Terminoob, so let's cut to the chase even if the detective-ing has been lulzy.]

Suddenly, jjs came to a realization.

"Hold on," he thought. "SOF, and a man that I hate...That's it! I know who did it!"

[Metal Snake: Jjsthekid! Solving mysteries by putting SOF and a vague clue together since 2011!]

[Fa: Jjs, get a clue!]

[OMJ: So, angry threesome, then?]

[Fred: Um, besides a few spats, I'm pretty sure that Jjs doesn't dislike anyone on here. Could it be a lurker from a different forum he hates? That's the only believable theory.]

[Hayden: 

]

And so, jjs and the police started to catch on to the writer's identity.

[OMJ: But you don't have to see that. This isn't exactly CSI or NCIS where at least more cool shit happens.]

[Fred: CSI: SBC.]

All is not well though, as there is yet another foe lurking in another part of SBC...

[OMJ: Lemme guess, the the wrong side of the tracks?]

It was evening, and the sun in the sky was beginning to set. A creature known as Rainbow Dash

[Trophy: Oh, was this during the brony phase?]

[Fred: Of course a pony would be behind all this. Bray-vo, Luke.]

[Fa: Would this story be ruined if I just imagined the Mario Kart level instead of the obvious?]

[Metal Snake: Oh God, I’m cracking up. Spoiler alert, I’m talking about the user Rainbow Dash, not the MLP:FiM character. For the uninformed, Rainbow Dash was an obscure member from back in 2011 who wasn’t liked by a lot of people because of how he came off to others on the Xat with his MLP obsession. After hearing about his behavior from Jjs, I thought it would be funny to do an arc poking fun at him in the style of Rusty’s Raping Rampage. And seeing as how ponies were big back then, I felt that it was a match made in heaven.

Sorry for the explanation dump, but I feel it’s necessary, as a large part of what comes after this is not going to make sense unless I elaborate on it now.]

[SOF: Don’t forget that he also changed from Rainbow Dash to Lew to MarioOrangeDash and pretended to be ACS on the Xat, but that’s another story.]

[OMJ: Well, I suddenly know even less going out than I did going in. ]

[Hayden: For a second, I thought actual ponies were inhabiting SBC and had a grudge to settle with Jjs.]

was outside of a giant building in the outskirts of town. He was no ordinary person, he had the lower body of a pegasus and the upper body of a man. He was a brony, a being who was half man, half pony,

[OMJ: aka fap material for 4EverGreen]

[Fred: Half man, half pony, half bear, and half pig. Manponybearpig.]

[Hayden: Oh never mind, we're going there after all. Is this a Peter Parker type accident?]

[Trophy: Please don't go further....]

[Metal Snake: Ha ha, because justham (another obscure member) made that joke long ago and I stole it. In-jokes you have to live in 2011 to get, aren’t they great?]

[Fa: X-Bronies!]

and he also had an uncontrollable urge to give people all over the community headaches.
His current objective, however, was to kill terminoob, for he was a threat to him. 

[OMJ: But you don't have to know why exactly. This isn't Law & Order: Trial by Jury.]

To do this, he had ventured to the meadows far away from the community,

[Metal Snake: I’d like to know where these “meadows” are. The “far away from the community” bit doesn’t make any sense because wouldn’t that mean he had left the site? Did he in real life just decide to go outside?]

[OMJ: Either that or he went to the cc.cz site.]

[Hayden: I hang out in SBC's meadows all the time. There are fresh memes growing all over the place. hilaryfan80 waters it twice daily.]

following the prophecy told in a poem that he had known since he was a child.

[Metal Snake: And now, time for poetry with Gary.]

[Fred: Roses are red, violets are blue, this poem doesn't rhyme, why does it need to?]

One born of the celestial heavens
One born of the solar and lunar
Will meet the shadow of himself
As the demise of the community grows sooner

The one who dashes through the skies
The one who dashes through rain with ease
Must come to the lofty shrine in the meadows
Where only the shy winged creatures flutter through the breeze

There will be a sparkle in the twilit sky
There, an event of rarity will occur
Through an offering of a potion of fruit, spike and applejack
A new ally you shall procure

A shadow of your bitter, angry self
Yet a loyal assistant faithful and true
A creature who shall bring discord and pain to others quickly
Yet a ditzy partner who will do anything for you

Your only hope of survival is this ally
One who has mastered the sonic dash
If you fail to destroy the ruler of the community
You will forever be known to unnamed bronies as Rainbow Crash

[Unnamed Brony: Hello, Rainbow Crash!]

[Metal Snake: Okay, I’m not riffing the poem line by line because it was at least an honest attempt at being creative, but the last line of it mystifies me. “Unnamed bronies”? Bronies have names. You mean the nameless bullies who called Rainbow Dash that insult in the show? Because everyone’s going to get such an obscure reference.]

[Trophy: Well, it's still better than what I've wrote over the past few years, he knows how to rhyme!]

[OMJ: *chokes from having ponies shoved down throat*]

[Hayden: Rainbow "Crash" is determined to to have this literature train go off the tracks.]

The "lofty shrine" mentioned in the poem was a building that only a brony such as Rainbow Dash could see just before sunset.

[OMJ: I suddenly feel the urge to play Spyro the Dragon right now.]

[Hayden:  ]

He believed that he was the one that was talked about in the prophecy, and had traveled to this place to see if it was true. 

[OMJ: Well I guess this is Law & Order: Trial by Jury, then.]

As he walked inside the temple, he noticed that there were four stone statues of four ponies on the ground below an opening in the building where he could see a shining light in the sky.

[OMJ: Is this some parallel universe where we never had that Roger's Lightbulb fight and Tvguy actually did make the ponies section?]

[Fred: We must be riffing an episode of SBCPU again.]

"I hope this works." Rainbow Dash said to himself as he pulled out a canteen of fruit punch mixed together with hard apple cider.

[OMJ: 

]

[Metal Snake: So its fruit juice mixed with fruit juice mixed with alcohol. Fascinating.]

[Hayden: That's one way to get your daily portion size of fruit.]

[Fred: Hawaiian Punch Lite is my favorite beer.]

[Fa: A brony sex tape in fact? ] 

Rainbow Dash poured the concoction on the floor, and it turned black, as the shining light in the sky expanded.

[OMJ: He forgot to accidentally add a special ingredient to the concoction: Chemical X!]

"Ugh!" Rainbow Dash grunted, as the light blinded his vision.

Once the light was gone, he looked in front of him, and saw a figure.

[SOF: Huh? A figure was created from fruit juice?]

[Metal Snake: “A figure” couldn’t have been any more descriptive.]

[OMJ: The Powerpuff Girl?]

[Fred: Ten bucks says it's an MLP character.]

"Is this...my new ally?" Dash asked himself.

[Hayden: You sure you didn't drink some of that before pouring it on the ground?]

End of Episode Two.

Reviews will be appreciated.

[SOF: I don’t get the title, was it just a bad pun about being jacked up? Otherwise, this chapter is meh.]

[Metal Snake: I hope you appreciate my review that this chapter was also bad and I have no idea why it was called “Spiked and Jacked”. Was it referring to Spike and Applejack? Was it a pun on the fruit juice mixed with fruit juice and alcohol? That’s just jacked up.]

[Trophy: I'm not seeing anything really bad of this. There are some notable stuff like how Clappy is just a jackass for the sake of it, then demanding respect of all things just because he's a freakin' police officer, lord knows how if he used to be nice, but not really like anything done before, like it's watered down a lot more than usual.]

[OMJ: I actually like it as far wacky ole SBC lits go so far. I'm being far too nice here. Gimme some more easy SOF material.]

[Fred: That episode sure was weird and it will probably get weirder from this point. I see a lot of MLP references in the future.]

[Hayden: The episode was dandy doodle for amateur work. But I still have no idea what the hell I read in the last several paragraphs......and I'm very afraid of an SBC with demonic half-ponies engulfing everything.]

[Fa: It's refreshing to be back on these smaller stories after the monstrosity that was DU, but I digress. This definitely has some around the edges moments like the SOF/70s scene was entirely too long/illogical, and I'm not sure exactly why Clappy and Jelly were written so authoritarian-like, but it could be a whole lot worse, even though I understand why MS doesn't like it too much. I'll see you all in the last episode!] 

 

 

I know I'm kinda late, but this is my favorite episode by far. I loved all of the MLP references.

[Joe Biden]

21 minutes ago, strpthealicorn said:

I know I'm kinda late, but this is my favorite episode by far. I loved all of the MLP references.

Something tells me that you'll like the other episodes then.