Karen Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 A place for jokes (der? x3) Because laughs are good for everyone! So, I guess I'll kick it off: A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened, but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.'' ''That must have hurt,'' said the judge. ''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.'' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70s Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 I may find a joke to post soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Webizoid Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 I had one but I forgot it. >.< Here's one, though: A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." Here's a dirty one: As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted June 17, 2010 Author Share Posted June 17, 2010 *giggles* Those were both awesome 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terminoob Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 A man walks into a bar and says, "Ow! That hurt!" ---------------------------------------------------------- What'd an enraged shrimp say to a greedy shrimp? "Stop being so shellfish!" ---------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Webizoid Posted June 17, 2010 Share Posted June 17, 2010 SpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoilerA man walks into a bar and says, "Ow! That hurt!" ---------------------------------------------------------- What'd an enraged shrimp say to a greedy shrimp? "Stop being so shellfish!" ---------------------------------------------------------- The bar one is hillarious! Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ... How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wumbo Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. /thread Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SG19 Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 SpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoilerWhy did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. /thread I...didn't quite comprehend that one Here are some Chuck-oriented ones: Chuck Norris is aware of Waldo's location Chuck Norris views/percepts a tornado as his personal vacuum cleaner Every martial arts class globally is required to introduce a lesson on "roundhouse kicking" Volcanoes erupting imply Chuck Norris has had a coarse day Chuck Norris isn't really sadistic. Quakes are spawned by him adjusting the earth as he sees fit. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open Chuck Norris can state the final digit of *intromit the emblem of pi here:P* This is one resembles no relationship to Norris: Why did the lemon head to the doctor? His stomach was feeling sour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel Sponge Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 I suck at jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
70s Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Chuck Norris doesn't wear condoms. Why? There is no protection from Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. He holds air hostage. When Chuck Norris does pushups, he does not push up. He pushes the world down. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart would never be foolish enough to attack him. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways. Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips off the fool's head. --- 8 CN jokes. I am satisfied. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Webizoid Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 There was three old ladies sitting on a porch talking about what they're husbands did to them while engaged. The first old lady says, "My husband got a BIG diamond ring." The third old lady says, "How nice." The second old lady says, "My husband bought me a BIG ranch, with horses and everything." The third old lady says, "How nice." The first old lady says, "Well, you didn't tell us what your husband did!" The third old lady says, "He took me to charm school." The second old lady says, "Why did he take you to charm school? You're as charming as ever!" The third old lady says, "He took me to charm school because when I was there, they taught me to say, 'How nice.' instead of 'Screw you.'" ------------------------------------ There were 100 nuns in a church one day while a preacher was preaching. "Two of our own had sex here." the priest said. 99 nuns went, "Oooooh...." and one nun went, "Tee-hee!" "We found a condom in the garden." the priest continued. 99 nuns went, "Ooooooh....." and one nun went, "Tee-hee!" "There was a hole in the condom." The priest finished. 99 nuns went, "Tee-hee!" and one nun went, "Oooooh........" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wumbo Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 SpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoiler I...didn't quite comprehend that one It's kind of a dumb joke, in which you would expect a pun or something, but instead you get "He was dead." Another one of my favourites: What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane? "MEEEEEEE!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted June 18, 2010 Author Share Posted June 18, 2010 A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!" Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are mistaken." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wumbo Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 SpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoilerSpoilerA man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!" Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are mistaken." First joke that cracked a smile out of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clappy Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 BUMP So this person came on to the XAT the other day and cussed us out and made unfunny your mother jokes and then started to called us a certain homosexual slang term that got Goosey suspended and this person's name was Hush. Shoot I forgot to add a punchline... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragiiin123 Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 BUMP So this person came on to the XAT the other day and cussed us out and made unfunny your mother jokes and then started to called us a certain homosexual slang term that got Goosey suspended and this person's name was Hush. Shoot I forgot to add a punchline... I don't comprehend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clappy Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 I don't comprehend Don't your remember dragiiin, you were there yesterday and so was jjs and Hush was being a spammer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragiiin123 Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 Don't your remember dragiiin, you were there yesterday and so was jjs and Hush was being a spammer That was dead charizard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wumbo Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 Sarah Palin. Yeah, I went there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clappy Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Sarah Palin. Yeah, I went there. Thank goodness I'm not the only one. Btw can we just change that to the whole Palin family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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