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A bunch of short films where random stuff happens.

That's pretty much it.

JCM Undergoes Shock Therapy While the Grim Reaper Plays Unfitting Music

(We open with a shot of the SpongeBob Community School. A short, puffy-faced kid rides his scooter into a nearby tree. He jumps off right before the scooter explodes.)

JCM: (annoyingly high-pitched voice) Well, here I am! I better catch up with my friends before school starts!

(JCM runs into the school and sees Elastic Dog talking with Dragiiin123 and Metal Snake.)

JCM: Hello, my hippity homeboys! How it be?

Elastic Dog: (rolls eyes) Hi, JCM. I was just talking about this movie I just saw. You've probably heard of it.

JCM: What's its name?

Elastic Dog: Sex Zombies From the Devil's Womb

(There is a long, extremely awkward silence.)

JCM: No, I can't say I have heard of it. What is it about?

Elastic Dog: Basically, Satan fucks this chick in Hell, and the sex is so wild that both of them get pregnant immediately.

Dragiiin123: Yeah, so he and the bitch get an abortion, but the red guy's aborted babies rip themselves out of his stomach and rape and kill both of them.

Metal Snake: Then the babies crawl out of Hell and start brutally raping every single person they encounter. It's fucking awesome. You should see it.

JCM: (twitches) I'll...put it on my list.

(JCM stumbles down the hall before finally passing out. He wakes up in the nurse's office.)

Jelly: (reading a thermometer) Are you alright, JCM?

JCM: Yeah, I'm just recovering from another traumatizing experience.

Jelly: Do you want to talk to the guidance counselor about it?

JCM: We have a guidance counselor?

(JCM walks into the office of an old man with a long beard and shiny head. SpongeSebastian looks up and stares at JCM with deep interest.)

SpongeSebastian: (slowly and quietly) hello there, jcm. do you want to talk about your feelings today?

JCM: No offense, but you really seem like a pedophile right now.

SpongeSebastian: (smiles) none taken. you'll find that I really encourage my visitors to just let it all out.

JCM: Um, OK. I'm not completely comfortable with the atmosphere at this school.

SpongeSebastian: what ever do you mean?

JCM: Well, the other kids are saying inappropriate things without the intervention of the staff.

SpongeSebastian: but don't you like the idea of an unrestricted environment?

JCM: Not really. I was raised with values.

SpongeSebastian: isn't the value of freedom the most important value of all?

JCM: No.

SpongeSebastian: one of the most important?

JCM: No.

SpongeSebastian: is it important at all? even a little bit?

JCM: This is a school, sir.

SpongeSebastian: don't get rash with me, or i'll beat your little butt.

JCM: (crying) I just wanted someone to talk to!

SpongeSebastian: no you didn't, you whiny bitch. you wanted someone to agree with you.

JCM: But isn't that your job?

SpongeSebastian: my job is to knock sense into dumbshits like you, because you're too fucking stupid to get a goddamn clue

JCM: I don't like you!

SpongeSebastian: get in line, motherfucker

(JCM runs out of the office with tears pouring from his eyes. He trips on a "Wet Floor" sign and sees tvguy347 mopping right next to him.)

JCM: Hey, you're the cool janitor!

tvguy347: (Bill Cosby accent) That is me! Say, class is about to start. Why are you flip flopping around in the hallways with the puddin' pops and the sweaters and what not?

JCM: I've been having a really bad day!

tvguy347: (puts "Wet Floor" sign back into place) That is really sad, Theo, but if you knock that thingamajig over again, I will shove this here sploshin' device right up your anal area, what with the buttocks and the brown stuff and the whobob whatpants.

JCM: I'm not really sure what you just said, and I'm not really sure if I want to be. (walks off)

tvguy347: Salutations! I mean buh-bye! (coughs, then changes voice) Damn, that shit's rough.

(The Grim Reaper appears and starts doing the Michigan J. Frog dance!)

Grim Reaper: Hello, mah baby! Hello, mah honey! Hello, mah ragtime gal!

(The End)

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Thanks for the compliments, everyone! The next one's here, and it's a bit of a doozy.

JCM Writes the Greatest Spin-Off Ever While the Grim Reaper Loses His Virginity To a Cactus

(The school bell rings as everyone in jjstheenglishprofessor's class scatters into their seats.)

jjstheenglishprofessor: Hello, class. Before we begin, does anyone have any writing they'd like to share?

JCM: I do!

jjstheenglishprofessor: No fucking way!

JCM: The name of it is "SpongeBob Goes Jellyfishing"!

jjstheenglishprofessor: Goddamn it, JCM! I will do so many illegal things to you...

JCM: Once upon a time, SpongeBob went jellyfishing! He got stung! (derp face) The end!

(The class mumbles amongst themselves about what a piece of shit JCM's writing was.)

JCM: Stop mumbling amongst yourselves about what a piece of dookey my writing was!

jjstheenglishprofessor: That was a great story, JCM.

JCM: You really think so?

jjstheenglishprofessor: Hell no! Get the fuck out of my room so the memory of your words can no longer torment me!

(JCM walks out of the room sadly. He sits on a log and reads his paper over and over.)

JCM: I don't get it. This is a perfectly good piece of writing.

Voice: More like a fervently steaming piece of shit!

(JCM turns around and sees Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in his tooth fairy outfit.)

JCM: The tooth fairy?

The Rock: That's just my night job. Right now, I'm acting as your conscience, and as you're conscience, I'm telling you to accept that your writing sucks monkey balls.

JCM: Why should I?

The Rock: Why should you? Your english professor is fetal position right now!

(JCM sees through the window that jjs is indeed in fetal position. He's also sucking his thumb and balancing the day's lesson plans on his head.)

jjstheenglishprofessor: (stares blankly at the wall) Stung by a jellyfish. Stung by a jellyfish. Stung by a jellyfish.

JCM: My goodness! I did all that?

The Rock: Yes. You've made his mental state even more disturbed than it already is. And that's why you need to understand that your writing is terrible and move on to something more rewarding, like stripping.

JCM: I don't want to become a male stripper!

The Rock: Oh, I see. You want to skip the formalities and become a male prostitute instead.

JCM: No! I'm going to keep writing until I better myself. Then, I'm going to write the greatest spin-off ever! I trust myself as much as I don't trust you.

The Rock: What? Oh, come on! If you can't trust a grown man in a fairy suit, who can you trust?

(JCM grabs his paper and walks out of the school.)

The Rock: Fine! Don't say I didn't warn you! Oh shit, wedgie. (tugs at pants)

(JCM spends the night drinking Red Bull and writing pages and pages and pages and pages and...Good God, this is getting redundant. Let's just get on with it.)

JCM: (wakes up from the pile of sheets with red eyes and stubble on his chin) Huh? Hey! (reads the sheet at the very top of the pile) I did it! Nothing can compare to this spin-off!

(JCM skips jollily to the school with the sheet in his hand. Once he gets to jjs' class, he's panting like a dog.)

jjs: Hello, tardy.

JCM: Sorry I'm late, but I have something extremely important to read to you guys. Is sharing time still going on?

jjs: Unfortunately.

JCM: Great! (holds up paper and clears his throat)

jjs: JCM, if I have another nervous breakdown here, my ass is on the line.

JCM: Once upon a time...

jjs: Aaand he doesn't care.

JCM: SpongeBob was jellyfishing as usual when he got caught in his own net. Expecting to get stung, he instead was carried off by the jellyfish to a hidden kingdom that they called Jellopolis.

(Hours and hours go by as he explains the culture, the government, and the surprisingly advanced technology of this unknown civilization.)

JCM: ...And they mate by sticking their stingers into each other's undersides. Since there are no genders in Jellopolis, this can't be regarded as gay or straight. Therefore, everyone gets to feel the wonderful sensations that come with having several volts of electricity shot into your body at once.

(The class applauds and JCM bows and walks to his seat.)

jjs: Well, JCM, I can now honestly say that your spin-off is no longer a giant piece of shit. It's now a moderately-sized piece of dooky.

JCM: Thank you, sir. All it took was practice.

(JCM winks at The Rock, who's standing behind him and still tugging at his pants.)

The Rock: Stupid...panties!

JCM: Panties?

The Rock: Man panties! Yeah!

(The Grim Reaper is sitting next to JCM with a cactus sticking out of his naughty place.)

Grim Reaper: Um, I can explain.

(The End)

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JCM Draws a Square While the Grim Reaper Gets Mugged by a Little Girl

(CDCB and Steel Sponge walk into their art room as the bell rings.)

CDCB: Hello, class. Today is the day you've all been waiting for. You're going to learn how to draw SpongeBob SquarePants!

JCM: YEAH! WOO-HOO! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, MOTHER FLIPPERS! YES! (notices everyone staring at him) What? Did I forget to wear my briefs again?

Steel Sponge: Alright, then! The first step is to draw a square. CDCB will be reading his Playboy, as usual, and I'll go around and check your progress.

(Everyone takes out their paper and draws a square. Steel Sponge stops at every desk and nods approvingly. He then gets to JCM's desk and shakes his head.)

Steel Sponge: No, JCM. That's not a square. It's a circle.

JCM: What's the difference?

Steel Sponge: Well, for one, a square has fucking SIDES.

JCM: How was I supposed to know that?

Steel Sponge: It's simple geometry, JCM. Just get the square right so I can move on.

JCM: 'Kay! (erases, then draws again) There! Sides and everything.

Steel Sponge: That's a fucking TRIANGLE, JCM! Are you seriously this much of a dumbass?

JCM: (crying) You don't have to yell at me! Fine! You want a square, I'll give you a square.

Steel Sponge: That's all I'm asking for.

JCM: (holds up paper) I think I finally have it!

Steel Sponge: That's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! How can you accurately duplicate a Dürer woodcut and not even get a polygon correct?

JCM: I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not that artistic.

Steel Sponge: Listen, JCM. You don't have to be artistic to do this. You just have to not be a fucking idiot. You got that?

JCM: I think so.

Steel Sponge: Good. Now, just clear your mind of all your stupid thoughts and think "Four Angles, Four Sides".

JCM: Four Angles, Four Sides.

Steel Sponge: That's the spirit. Now, chop chop. I have a class to teach.

JCM: Is it good now?

Steel Sponge: (looks down then quickly up again) Oh, wonderful. You finished drawing SpongeBob with an hour and a half to spare.

JCM: I did?

Steel Sponge: Yep. Looks like you're free to do whatever you want for the rest of the class.

JCM: Really? Yay! (picks up what is really a nude portrait of Steel Sponge's stepmother) This didn't look like SpongeBob at all when I finished drawing it!

Steel Sponge: And whatever you want to do, do it outside. (pushes JCM out of the door) Now, for step two.

CDCB: (eyes glued to Playboy) Damn, Steel, your mom has some pretty nice tits!

Steel Sponge: She's my step-mom, CD! Also, shut the fuck up.

(JCM rides his scooter to the local park, where he sees teenj12 flirting with hot college chicks.)

JCM: Hey, teenj, what are you doing out of school and with those women who don't know you're under the age of consent?

teenj12: Hey, JCM, what are you doing out of that mental asylum you've been in for the past five years?

(The college chicks giggle, and JCM shrugs and continues toward the playground. As he gets on the slide, he sees a fireball in the sky getting larger and larger.)

JCM: Oh my goodness! It's the...it's the...

(The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse burst out of the fireball and land in the middle of the park. JCM hides under the slide, and the college chicks sprint into their cars and drive off.)

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: We are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and we are here to take what is ours!

(A little girl walks up to the first horseman, who happens to be the Grim Reaper.)

Little Girl: Hey, give me yer lunch money, ye skinny bitch!

Grim Reaper: (jumps off his horse) I'm not giving you my lunch money! I'm going to take your SOOOOUL!

(The little girl knees the Reaper where the sun don't glow and he falls to the ground in pain.)

Grim Reaper: Goddamn it! I just got a cactus out of there!

Little Girl: I ain't gonna repeat mahself!

Grim Reaper: Fine, fine! (gives the little girl a trillion dollars) That's all I got!

Little Girl: (counts the money) That's mo like it! (walks off)

Second Horseman: You let a little girl beat you up and take your lunch money?

Third Horseman: What a pussy!

Fourth Horseman: We aren't destroying the world with a punk like him! Let's scoot!

(The second and third horsemen mumble in agreement and follow the fourth back into the sky.)

Grim Reaper: Wait! I've been planning this for 2000 years!

teenj12: (walks up to him) This is for scaring away my chances of a threesome! (kicks him in the groin)

Grim Reaper: WHYYY

(The End)

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JCM Becomes All That While the Grim Reaper Auditions For American Idol

(JCM walks into the cafeteria, grabs a tray, and approaches Mr. Piddlin at the food stand.)

Ms. Piddlin: Hello, sweetie. You excited for lunch today?

JCM: I sure am!

Ms. Piddlin: Good! 'Cause we have a special today.

JCM: Really?

Ms. Piddlin: Yep. You gettin' a chicken breast, a corn muffin, macaroni and cheese...and some peas.

JCM: Cool! So what's the special?

Ms. Piddlin: (smoke starts to billow out from her neck) What's the special? What do you mean "what's the special"?

JCM: Well, those items you just mentioned are great, but there's nothing really extraordinary about them.

Ms. Piddlin: None...of...them?

JCM: (starts to back away) Not...really.


JCM: Wha- (Ms. Piddlin slaps him with the food tray) I'm seeing stars. (passes out)

Ms. Piddlin: (settles down) Whoo! Ms. Piddlin almost lost her temper there. Heh heh.

(OMJ walks up to the stand, not noticing the unconscious boy squirming under him.)

OMJ: Yo, whatcha got today?

Ms. Piddlin: We got chicken breasts, corn muffins, macaroni and cheese...and peas.

OMJ: Man, fuck that!

Ms. Piddlin: (her face explodes in smoke) Fuck that? (pulls out a gun) OH, HELL NO!

OMJ: (backs away) What the fuck? (Ms. Piddlin shoots him in the face)

JCM: (waking up) What? Why is there a dead person on top of me?

Fa: Holy shit! That psychopath killed OMJ!

JCM: Oh! (chuckles) For a second or two, I thought I became a necrophiliac.

(Everybody else in the cafeteria panic and run to the corner.)

Fa: Somebody do something!

Ms. Piddlin: Nobody ain't doin' nothin' till they finish they peas! (waves gun around) You heard me?

Fa: You're crazy!

Ms. Piddlin: Crazy? No, no, no. All children love peas. (looks down) Ain't that right, baby?

JCM: I'm still indifferent! (pushes OMJ off and stands up) I'm pretty sure weapons aren't allowed on school grounds, Miss Lunch Lady.

Ms. Piddlin: And I'm pretty sure attitude isn't allowed in my cafeteria! (slaps JCM with the gun)

JCM: And I'm out again! (faints)

Fa: Will somebody fix this goddamn mess?

Voice: I can fix it!

(Repairman crashes through the ceiling.)

Fa: Who the fuck are you?

Repairman: (recovers his composure) I'm repairman man man man man man man!

Fa: What's with the echo?

Repairman: (ignores him) So, where's the mess? (sees OMJ) There it is! (runs over to the bloody figure) I can fix this! (takes out sledgehammer)

OMJ: (wakes up) Hey, I've managed to survive getting shot in the face! I'm going to use this second chance to (Repairman smashes his head in with the sledgehammer)

Fa: (watches in horror) You killed him for realz this time!

(Detective Dan walks into the cafeteria with two officers behind him.)

Detective Dan: My inside sources tell me a murder has been committed in this lunchroom!

Fa: Detective! Thank God you're here! (points to Repairman and Ms. Piddlin) Those two are responsible for the death of poor Old Man Jenkins!

Detective Dan: Those two also happen to black! Nice try, kid, but I'm not that kind of cop! I'm gonna need some evidence to back this up!

Fa: One is holding a smoking gun and the other is holding a bloody sledgehammer! What other evidence do you need?

Detective Dan: All of that is circumstantial! You seem really defensive, though. Where were you at the time of 5 seconds ago!

Fa: I was right here! Talking to you!

Detective Dan: That's all I needed to hear. Book him, boys!

(The officers beat up Fa with their sticks, handcuff him, and drag him outside.)

Detective Dan: My work here is done. (the students in the corner stare at him) I'm Detective Dan. (walks out)

Ms. Piddlin: (to the tune of Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me") All you care about is the corn and beans, stuff your face with all that so why can't you see-ee-ee you belong with pee-ee-eeas? (stops singing and turns to the cowering crowd) Sing with me or I'll blow your fuckin' brains out! (resumes and everyone sings along) Squashes, apples, none of that stuff matters, the green tiny vegetables indubitably-ee-ee (JCM wakes up and sings the last line with her) You belong with pee-ee-eeas...

(Suddenly, we're on the American Idol Stage)

Grim Reaper: (singing in extremely deep opera voice) YOU BELONG WITH PEAS.

Simon Cowell: That was the worst thing I ever heard. Go home and hang yourself. Next!

(The End)

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JCM Rescues a Cow From the Toilet While the Grim Reaper Loses His Lunch on Mr. T's Head

(JCM walks into Wumbology's classroom and takes his seat.)

Wumbology: Hello, class. I'm Mr. Wumbology, and today I'm going to teach you marine biology.

JCM: Ooh, nice one!

(Wumbology draws a fish on the chalkboard.)

Wumbology: Can anybody tell me what this is?

JCM: (raises hand) I know! It's a cow!

Wumbology: Yes, JCM. It's a fucking cow. Announcer, tell him what he's won.

Announcer: (crosses arms) I don't wanna!

JCM: Hey, how long have you been sitting next to me?

Announcer: (scoffs) Since, like, forever!

Wumbology: This is a fish, people!

JCM: But you said he was the announcer.

Wumbology: No, the thing on the board!

JCM: But you said it was a cow.

Wumbology: You are impossible to reason with!

JCM: (crying) And you're giving me mixed signals!

Wumbology: JCM, stop that shit! You are not a fucking baby!

JCM: (sniffs) Wumbology, I think I just soiled my pants. Can I go to the restroom?

Wumbology: Goddamn it, JCM!

JCM: (crying) I'm sorry I can't control my bodily functions!

Wumbology: Alright, alright! Just go before you flood the fucking place.

JCM: 'Kay! (skips out of the room)

Wumbology: (picks up phone) Nurse Jelly, get me my aspirin. All you have is meth? That'll do.

(JCM skips into the restroom and slides into a stall.)

JCM: I hope I remember how to do this.

(JCM takes a diaper out of his backpack and skillfully switches it with his dirty one.)

JCM: (grows a cleft on his chin) IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO CHANGE HIS OWN DIAPER.

(JCM notices a fish swimming in the toilet and jumps back in shock.)

JCM: There's a cow in the toilet! I have to save it before it drowns!

(JCM grabs the fish from the toilet, and the fish flops around in his hand gasping for water.)

JCM: It's all right, cow! I know mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!

Fish: Wait, what?

(JCM sinks his mouth deep into the fish's and sucks out all the water from its body. Once he pries the fish from his lips, he sees that it's certifiably dead, and he falls to the floor in frustration.)

JCM: How could this have happened? I did everything right!

(Mr. T's head pops out of the toilet.)

Mr. T: I'll tell you how this happened, fool! You tried to save a fish from drowning!

JCM: I'm pretty sure this is a cow, sir.

Mr. T: I'm pretty sure you're a fool, fool! That there's the fishiest fish in fishersdale!

JCM: But this can't be a fish. Fishes live in the ocean.

Mr. T: That fish happened to live in the toilet, and it was satisfied with its living arrangements before you up and took it from its habitat and right fine killed it! Fool!

JCM: B-but I'm not a murderer. I-I was trying to save the cow.

Mr. T: Fish, fool, fish! Do you want me to jump out this toilet and knock the truth into you? Because I will not hesitate to beat up a child!

JCM: (somber) This cow...this fish...died by my hands.

Mr. T: Now you're getting it, fool! Now tell this miserable motherfucker's family what you did! (pulls two fish out from under him)

JCM: Mister and Misses Fish, I killed your son.

Mrs. Fish: She's our daughter, you asshole!


Mr. T: (sticks the fish back under him) Do you feel better now that you got that off your chest?

JCM: Not really.

Mr. T: Too bad, fool! It's not my fault!

(JCM sadly walks out of the stall and the Grim Reapers walks in a few seconds later.)

Grim Reaper: I shouldn't have had all that meth... (throws up in toilet)

Mr. T: You puked on my perm, fool! You're getting no pity from me! (crawls out of toilet and does many illegal things to the Grim Reaper)

(The End)

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JCM Provokes His History Teacher While the Grim Reaper Is Accused Of Burgling Turds

(The Grim Reaper is walking down the street when he runs into Beavis and Butt-head.)

Beavis: Hey, watch where you're going, you turd burglar!

Grim Reaper: Turd burglar? Why would I steal feces?

Beavis: I'm not saying you're stealing feces. I'm saying you're burgling turds, you frickin' turd burglar.

Butt-head: (snickers) Yeah, what a moron.

Grim Reaper: Yeah, whatever. I have business to attend to at that retirement home, so if you could please...

Beavis: Hey, are those real? (grabs a piece of the Grim Reaper's arm)

Grim Reaper: Hey, give me my bone back!

Beavis: (bends and twirls bone) Har har har

Butt-head: He said "bone" har har har

Grim Reaper: I am a very busy man!

Butt-head: Har har har he said "busy" har har har

Beavis: Get down and dirty! (shrieks in laughter)

Grim Reaper: Goddamn it!

Butt-head: Hey, let me see that now! (reaches for the bone)

Beavis: No, I had it first! (pulls bone away)

(Butt-head gets a hold of the bone, and he and Beavis play tug-of-war with it until it flies out of their hands and into the window above them.)

Butt-head: That window is such a turd burglar. (walks away with Beavis)

(Inside the window, JCM is playing with the bone that landed on his desk.)

that70sguy92: Before we begin, class, I'm going to have to run a small errand. I've appointed my wife, Sara, to look over you while I'm gone.

(Sara, who's pregnant, walks into the classroom and waves at the students. that70sguy helps her into the chair and then hurries out.)

JCM: (looks up from the bone and coughs) Mrs. 70sguy?

Sara: Yes, JCM?

JCM: How did you get so humongous?

Sara: Um, what?

JCM: I mean, no offense, but what have you been eating?

Sara: I have a baby inside of me!

JCM: You've been eating babies? Oh my gosh!

Sara: What the hell is wrong with you?

JCM: Me? Are you kidding?

(JCM throws his hands up in frustration. The bone flies out of his right hand and hits Sara in the head, knocking her out. Sabre watches it all from behind him.)

Sabre: Wow, JCM. You boned her so hard, she's unconscious.

JCM: Oh, no! What am I going to do? that70sguy will be here any minute!

(that70sguy walks in right at that moment. He sees Sara in her condition and runs to her aid.)

that70sguy92: (tearing up) What bastard did this to you?

JCM: (slowly raises hand) This illegitimate child.

that70sguy92: You boned my pregnant wife? Who the fuck does that?

JCM: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! It-it just happened!

that70sguy92: That's it, JCM! I've had enough! (rips off his shirt and flexes his incredibly muscular body) I'm going to kick your ass!

JCM: No, please! I had a slick boner! It was out of my control!

that70sguy92: Tell it to the judge! And by the judge, I mean my fists!

Sara: (regaining consciousness) Wait!

that70sguy92: Sara?

Sara: I'm about to become a mother, and my motherly instinct tells me that JCM didn't mean to do all this.

JCM: Yes, listen to her motherly instinct!

that70sguy92: Shut the fuck up, JCM! He could have hurt you. He could have hurt the baby.

Sara: But he didn't, so why hold it against him? He's a child, and children make mistakes.

that70sguy92: I guess you're right, Sara. I'm sorry for overreacting.

JCM: It's alright. (smiles at Sara) I believed up to now that all fat women are mean, but you've proven me wrong. Thank you.

Sara: Honey, kick that little prick's ass.

that70sguy92: I'll be glad to. (rolls up sleeves)

JCM: (backing away) But what about your maternal instinct? You wouldn't want to subject those babies you ate to this brutal violence, would you? I want my mommy! (runs out of the room with 70s right behind him)

(The End)

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JCM Teams Up With Prince Dark While the Grim Reaper Does Business

(JCM is about to enter the school when a hand from a nearby bush grabs him.)

JCM: Let go of me, bush! I'm going to be late to school!

(The hand pulls JCM into the bush, and he finds himself face to face with the one and only ACS.)

JCM: Who are you? And why does your breath smell like cow patties?

ACS: (deep and sinister voice) My name...is Prince Dark. And I had a cow patty for breakfast this morning. They don't taste very much like beef.

JCM: Yeah, I learned that the hard way. So, what do you want with me?

ACS: I want you to help get me into the school.

JCM: Why can't you just walk in?

ACS: Because I was expelled a while back.

JCM: Why?


JCM: I guess so.

(ACS crawls into JCM's backpack, and JCM continues into the school. At the restroom, he empties ACS into the sink.)

JCM: So, why did you want to bring me here?

ACS: So I can get revenge on the school that dared remove Prince Dark from its premises!

JCM: How are you going to do that?

ACS: Easy. (holds up a pin) See this pin? I plan to carefully place it on the Clapmaster's chair, blowing him up!

JCM: (horrified) What?

ACS: Without someone to run the school, it will have to be shut down! It's my greatest plan ever!

JCM: I can't let you do that!

ACS: Are you a believer in justice, my son?

JCM: I am not your son! My father died in the American Revolution!

ACS: How old are you?

JCM: 115.

ACS: Alright, then. If you believe in justice, you have to believe that I'm doing the right thing. I mean, I believe it, and I'm always right!

JCM: Well, you do make a good argument. Fine. What do you want me to do from here?

ACS: Just carry me into the principal's office, and I'll do everything from there.

(ACS pulls himself out of the sink and into JCM's backpack. JCM tiptoes out of the restroom and into Clappy's office.)

JCM: (sighs) OK. We're in.

(ACS jumps out of JCM's backpack and scans the room. He jumps over Clappy's desk and smacks a pin right in the middle of the chair behind it.)

ACS: There! Good work, kid...or whatever you are. I'm going to have to bounce now.

(ACS heads for the window, but he hears footsteps and jumps into a plant instead. JCM stands by the door innocently as Clappy walks in.)

Clappy: JCM, what's this I hear about you smuggling prostitutes into my school?

JCM: Clappy, I wasn't-

Clappy: I don't want to hear it. (walks to his chair) What do we look like? Some kind of... (sits down) Gah! What the fuck?

ACS: (jumps out of plant) What? How have you not exploded yet?

Clappy: I'm fucking magical! What are you doing in my school, ACS?

ACS: Don't pretend like you're surprised, Mr. Clapmaster!

Clappy: I'm Clappy now. Get the fuck out of here!

ACS: No! Not until I have my revenge!

(ExKizuna walks into the office.)

Clappy: Ex! Just the vice principal/security officer I need! Please escort this dumbass out of my office.

ExKizuna: (cracks knuckles) No problem, Clappy.

(ExKizuna throws ACS out of the window.)

JCM: His name was ACS?

Clappy: Ex, please escort this other dumbass out of my office.

(ExKizuna throws JCM out of the window. At the retirement home down the street, the Grim Reaper walks up to the receptionist.)

Grim Reaper: Do you happen to have the soul of an Old Man Jenkins with you?

Receptionist: Sorry. He came back to life this morning.

Grim Reaper: Well, could you allow me to fix that?

Receptionist: Get the fuck out.

Grim Reaper: Yes, ma'am. (leaves)

(The End)

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JCM Buys a Pony While the Grim Reaper Misplaces His Head

(JCM walks into the school and sees it painted pink with decorations of ponies, unicorns, and rainbows everywhere.)

JCM: (crying) What has happened to my wonderful school?

(Jelly skips up to JCM.)

Jelly: Welcome, visitor, to modern day Equestria!

JCM: Pardon my French, but what the gosh darn heck?

Jelly: Remember when we forced the mayor at gunpoint to establish an annual "Friendship Is Magic Day"? Well, that day is today! So me and my little ponies...

(CF and storytime7 wave at JCM as they replace the banner with one saying "MLP Community School".)

Jelly: ...have spent the last hour and a half making this place fantabulous! (spins around like a ballerina)

JCM: Fantabulous? I am a man, and this school has become unmanly thanks to you and your little pooonies!

Jelly: Why are you talking about manliness when you're walking around with dolls?

JCM: (quickly stuffs toys into backpack) They're action figures!

Jelly: They're barbies!

JCM: (crosses arms) Male barbies. Manly and totally cool.

Jelly: Come on, JCM. Watch an episode. (gives JCM a VHS) You'll love it!

JCM: I'll watch it, but I'm pretty sure I won't love it. Also, nobody uses VHSes anymore, you old person.

Jelly: (angrily) Just watch the fucking tape.

(JCM watches the tape, staggers off, and comes back with several tons of MLP merchandise.)

JCM: You're all my new friends! (moves a plastic pony around) No, it's not good enough. I need the real deal.

(The owner of a ranch sees JCM break a pony out of one of his stalls.)

Rancher: Hey! That's mine!

JCM: (throws two quarters at the rancher) This should cover it! Bye! (rides back to the school on the pony)

Rancher: Fifty cents? What is this? The goddamn 1930s?

(JCM shows the pony to Jelly.)

JCM: Hi, Jelly! Thanks for introducing me to that awesome show! This is Stinky. I named her that for her distinctive smell.

Jelly: It does smell distinctive!

(The pony snorts and Jelly walks away in disgust.)

JCM: (singing as he feeds Stinky an animal cracker) A friend is a friend 'til the end of the end...

(Stinky suddenly foams at the mouth and bites JCM's hand off.)

JCM: Stinky! That wasn't nice! (looks at the pack he's holding) Oh no! These animal crackers are My Little Pony themed! I've fed Stinky her own kind!

(Stinky hoofs down the hallway, snapping at whoever she comes across. CF and storytime run up to JCM.)

CF: What the fuck is wrong with that horse?

JCM: It's a pony!

storytime7: A pony? Everything I know is a lie!

CF: She ate the decorations!

storytime7: She ate the banner!

JCM: She ate my hand! She ate the rest of the animal crackers!

CF, storytime7, and JCM: She ate Old Man Jenkins!

OMJ: (from inside Stinky's belly) Don't worry, guys! Compared to the chewing and digestion, this stomach acid is no pro-OH GOD WHERE ARE MY FEET

JCM: What have I done?

(Jelly sprints out of her office with medical supplies.)

Jelly: I'll tell you what you did! You gave that delicate creature Mad Pony Disease!

JCM: I'm so sorry!

Jelly: It's alright. I've always wanted to try out my veterinarian skills, anyway. (punches Stinky out and gives her a shot that makes her more beautiful than ever before)

JCM: Wow! I guess she's not a Stinky anymore. Now she's a Not Stinky!

Not Stinky: (wakes up) I've returned to my previous grace! And I can talk! Thank you, nurse. I will never forget you. (flies into the sky)

JCM: I did something, too!

Jelly: Yeah, you caused a gigantic mess that you're going to clean up. (walks away) Calling me old.

(The Grim Reaper stops Not Stinky while she's still in the sky.)

Grim Reaper: I demand the soul of Old Man Jenkins!

(Not Stinky burps out OMJ's ghost, but the burp is so loud that it knocks the Grim Reaper's head right off his body.)

Not Stinky: Ooh! Excuse me!

OMJ's ghost: (flies down to the Grim Reaper's head) Long time no see, Grimmy! Sorry I can't stick around for long, but I have girl's locker rooms to haunt! (gives a hearty laugh as he flies out into the horizon)

Grim Reaper: No! Once I find my head, Old Man Jenkins, you will pay! Keep on flying! I have all the time in the world!

(The End)

Grim Reaper: Goddamn it!

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JCM Discovers SOFland While the Grim Reaper Stuffs Beans Up His Nose

(JCM finishes building a replica of the Eiffel Tower from the tears of a million orphans. Metal Snake appears, pokes it, and it just wiggles.)

Metal Snake: What the fuck is that thing?

JCM: It's my greatest masterpiece!

Metal Snake: But how is it possible?

JCM: Orphan tears are surprisingly portable!

Metal Snake: JCM, you're almost as odd as Sponge Odd Fan himself!

JCM: Sponge Odd Fan? Who's Sponge Odd Fan?

Metal Snake: Who's Sponge Odd Fan? You dummyhead! He's right over there! (points)

(JCM turns to SOF, who's licking a ferret's back.)

SOF: (notices JCM staring at him) My ferret!

(JCM walks to SOF curiously.)

Metal Snake: The child is crazy, JCM. I wouldn't recommend getting close to him. Don't do it, motherfucker.

(Before JCM knows it, he's sucked into SOF's head.)

Metal Snake: I warned the motherfucker.

(JCM goes through a strange portal of strange colors and strange patterns. He drops into a less strange field, with SOF just a few feet away from him.)

SOF: Hi there, stranger!

JCM: Sponge Odd Fan?

SOF: That's me! Welcome to my world!

JCM: Your world?

SOF: Yep! SOFland, I call it! Watch out for the heffalumps!

JCM: The what?

(A giant heffalump falls from the sky and crushes JCM.)

SOF: I warned the motherfucker.

(JCM wakes up in a hospital. Candace from Phineas and Ferb walks into his room in a nurse's suit.)

JCM: Am I in a pornographic film?

Candace: You wish! I'm just here to check your temperature.

JCM: But why's there a tentacle monster behind you?

(A giant creature with several thousand tentacles spits Laffy Taffy at JCM.)

Candace: I don't ask you about your private life!

JCM: Where's SOF?

Candace: He's right outside. Do you want to talk to him?

JCM: (looks up at the tentacle monster uncomfortably as it caresses his head) Yes. Things are getting weirder and weirder every minute, and I'd like an explanation.

SOF: You wanted to talk to me?

JCM: Why did you suck me into this weird world of weird?

SOF: I didn't suck you into here. My brain did.

JCM: Your brain?

SOF: Yes. I have such a vivid imagination that I created a reality that encompasses me and anyone who gets near me. You're also covered in Laffy Taffy.

JCM: I know that! How do I get out of here?

SOF: Why would you want to leave?

JCM: I have a family! I have friends!

(At SBC, Metal Snake draws penises on an unconscious JCM's face.)

JCM: I have a family! I can't just stay here.

SOF: If you really want to leave, just talk to the Leggo My Eegol. He can probably arrange something.

JCM: The Leggo My Eegol?

(JCM pops out of the hospital room and onto the shoulder of a giant eagle.)


JCM: Can you send me home?

Leggo My Eegol: OKAY SURE

(The eagle's tongue wraps around JCM, swallows him, and he goes through the same portal he went to before. He finds himself back at SBC a few moments later.)

JCM: I'm back! (looks in a mirror) And I have male organs on me!

SOF: (stops licking ferret) I hope you learned an important lesson, JCM.

JCM: What?

SOF: Don't stuff beans up your nose! (derp face)

Grim Reaper: (walks in with beans sticking out of both nostrils) He warned a motherfucker.

(The End)

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JCM Un-ironically Saves a Superhero While the Grim Reaper Accidentally Castrates a Dolphin

(JCM, bored in class, throws a crumpled up piece of paper at the trash can and misses. He shrugs and continues listening to jjstheenglishprofessor's lecture.)

Voice: What is that I hear?

(A boy in a Superman costume breaks into the window, picks up the paper, and respectfully drops it into the trash can.)

jjstheenglishprofessor: Person, what the fuck are you doing in tights?

person: I'm not person! I'm SBC's crime-fighting superhero, Super Hero!

jjstheenglishprofessor: Wow, that's fucking creative. Get the fuck out of my class, and fix my fucking window!

Super Hero: No, fuck you! (points at JCM) Fiend! Don't you know that littering is against the law?

JCM: I'm sorry! I didn't know! Please don't melt my pancreas with your laser beam eyes! It has carbohydrates to metabolize!

Super Hero: Alright, fine. But if catch you doing another heinous act, you're going down like Katy Perry on every black actor in Hollywood! (jumps out the window)

jjstheenglishprofessor: You're on the third floor, you fucking asshole!

(A loud thump is heard.)

Voice: SUPER HERO needs a medical assistant.

(At art class, Steel Sponge discusses perspective and other boring stuff. As CDCB reads his Playboy, he slides a stick of gum into his mouth.)

person: (stands up) Mr. Steel, can I use the restroom?

Steel Sponge: No! I'm about to cover something important.

Elastic Dog: That'll be a first.

person: (running out) Thank you very much, sir!

Steel Sponge: Person! Goddamn it!

Elastic Dog: (turns to JCM) So what do you think? Is he about to go into one of his acts?

JCM: Acts? What are you talking about?

(Super Hero breaks down the door with a giant hammer.)

Steel Sponge: What the fuck, person? There's this extremely useful invention called a doorknob!

Super Hero: Not now, law abiding citizen! I have work to do! (points to CDCB) Spit out that gum, you heathen!

CDCB: What's with the getup, person?

Super Hero: I am not person! Don't you see my super suit and super strength and super speed?

CDCB: And you're a super freak. Super freak. You're super freakay.

Super Hero: And you're a super idiot!

CDCB: What the fuck? (slaps Super Hero silly and drags him to the principal's office by ear) Clappy, this little bitch insulted my intelligence! Whip his ass!

Clappy: Is this true, person?

Super Hero: (rips off suit) It wasn't me! It was Super Hero! I swear!

Clappy: ExKizuna!

(ExKizuna comes into the office, snaps person in half, and throws him out the window. JCM runs in right afterward.)

JCM: (fights back tears) What have you done with Super Hero?

Clappy: Mind your own business, JCM.

JCM: No! All he tried to do was save us from ourselves! Why can't you people understand this?

Clappy: (turns to Ex) Do you understand any of this shit?

(Ex shakes his head and throws JCM out the window. JCM lands next to a crying, bleeding person.)

JCM: Don't let them get you down, Super Hero. They're all part of the conspiracy.

person: No, they're right. I'm no Super Hero. I'm...person.

JCM: No, don't say that! You're one of the last good ones we have left!

person: I have a broken spirit. And a broken spine.

JCM: You're Super Hero! Say it three times and you'll know it's true!

person: I'm superhero. I'm Super Hero. I'm Super Hero! (glues his body back together and stands up) I'm fixed! (bends down backwards)

JCM: I knew you had it in ya!

Super Hero: I knew I had it in me, too. I'm going to see if Belk has any Superman costumes left, then I'm going to take down that jaywalker over there! Trek now, evildoer! You haven't seen the last of me!

Jaywalker: Fuck you!

(Out in the ocean, the Grim Reaper relaxes on a cruise ship.)

Grim Reaper: Just what my complexion needs. A nice, long break from it all. Hey, a dolphin.

(A dolphin soars over the Grim Reaper's head. After feeling a few drops of blood on his face, he looks at his scythe and the surprise attached to it.)


(The End)

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JCM Tosses a Pigskin Around While the Grim Reaper Busts a Rhyme at the Club Scene

(JCM and person rest their elbows on a brick wall like those Charlie Brown characters.)

person: I don't get it. I just don't get it. Why doesn't anybody like me? I'm extremely handsome, I'm extremely talented, and I'm extremely modest.

JCM: Don't worry, person. If you don't think anyone likes you, just act like me! Everybody loves me! (looks down and sees that70sguy92) Hi, that70sguy!

that70sguy92: Fuck off, asscunt!

JCM: My name's JCM! (to person) He loves me, he's just bad with names.

person: I'm not sure if acting like you will help. I need a plan that'll work.

JCM: What are you talking about? I'm the coolest guy at the school!

person: I'm pretty sure that's teenj, JCM. teenj! Of course! What does he do that makes him so awesome?

JCM: teenj? Oh, come on! What makes him so great? Besides being smart, social, witty and athletic, of course.

person: Athletic...isn't he pretty big in football?

JCM: I don't know. I don't care.

person: That's it! I'll join the football team! Then people will have to like me!

(person walks out of the coach's office with a uniform and a smile on his face. JCM is waiting outside of the door.)

person: What are you doing here, JCM? Do you need some love, too?

JCM: IDON'TNEEDSOMETHINGIALREADYHAVE! I'm only joining in your silly venture to make sure that you don't get killed.

(JCM walks into the office and slams the door behind him.)

JCM: Dragiiin, you're the coach?

Dragiiin123: No one else wanted the job. Here's your uniform. Our first ass slapping session is after school.

JCM: Don't I have to audition first?

Dragiiin123: What does this look like? A place where sports matter? Out, out, out.

(Dragiiin pushes JCM out of his office. Later, everyone's out in the field with sore butts.)

Dragiiin123: Y'all pat like nobody's business. Keep it up! Next up is tackling practice. Think fast! (throws ball)

JCM: (catches it) Yay! I caught it! Wait, tackling practice? (tackled by every single person on the team) What was that for? I hate tackling practice! You're a terrible coach!

Dragiiin123: Don't cry so hard or your mascara will run.

JCM: I don't wear mascara, you meanie bo beanie!

(The next day, everyone's practicing their running.)

JCM: (panting) I'm going to die if I don't stop!

Dragiiin123: What's wrong? You can't run in your high heels?

JCM: Stop insulting my masculinity!

Dragiiin123: I can't insult something that doesn't exist. Now, come on. It's only twenty miles.

(JCM faints. The next day, everyone's on the benches listening to Dragiiin.)

Dragiiin123: As you all know, our big game against SpongeBuddy Middle School is tomorrow.

JCM: I didn't know that!

Dragiiin123: As you all know, our big game against SpongeBuddy Middle School is tomorrow, and if we hustle, we can take them down no prob.

Random dude: Gold team rules!

Dragiiin123: Please take your SpongeBob references to the spin-offs section. Thank you very much.

(JCM limps into Dragiiin's office the next morning.)

JCM: Coach, I can't play tonight. I got this really bad splinter on my big toe.

Dragiiin123: Pull up your skirt, JCM. I can see your vagina.

JCM: Gosh darn it, Dragiiin! I give up! All I wanted to do was be like teenj12!

Dragiiin123: The star of the team? He's SBC's Chuck Norris, man! Listen, JCM. Just believe in yourself, and you won't die a horribly brutal death.

JCM: I guess that's all I can ask for.

Dragiiin123: Like teenj12. Are you a fucking dolt? Get the fuck out of my office!

(Later that day, SpongeBob Community battles SpongeBuddy Middle in the most epic football game of all seven minutes. JCM doesn't die a horribly brutal death, and once he's out of the hospital, he rolls his wheelchair to the brick wall from the beginning of the episode.)

person: No one at the school gives a fuck about sports, apparently.

JCM: Turns out they like teenj12 because he's rich.

person: Wanna rob a bank?

JCM: Heck yes. You get the bag, and I'll get the ski masks.

(At the club scene, some phony finishes up a spit. The Grim Reaper grabs the mic and lets it roll.)

Grim Reaper: I'm Death, motherfucker, got my cloak and my scythe! The day you see me at your door is the day you won't see night!

Old Man Jenkin's ghost: (in the audience) Good one, stick shift!

Grim Reaper: (raises middle finger) Take a look at this stick, asshole!

(The End)

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JCM Lets a Rat Loose While the Grim Reaper Tracks Down OMJ's Soul

(Wumbology brings a crate of lab rats into his science room and proceeds to hump it.)

Wumbology: Alright, (thrusts) guys. Today we're going to learn (thrusts) about the anatomy of (thrusts) god (thrusts) damn fishes.

JCM: (grabs a rat from Wumbology's pants) Are you sure their bodies are similar enough?

Wumbology: I'm kind of busy doing lewd things to a wooden box. Just dissect the fucking thing.

(JCM points his scissors at the rat.)

Rat: What the fuck are you doing?

JCM: I'm dissecting you.

Rat: The fuck? (slaps the scissors out of JCM's hand and runs away)

JCM: Wumbo, my rat ran away!

Wumbology: Damn it, JCM! I was just about to reach my climax.

Crate: Don't worry, Wumby. I still love you.

Wumbology: Now you made the crate all sad! I hope you're happy! Grab my gun and help me look for the little bastard!

(JCM grabs the gun, and he and Wumbology search all over the room to no avail.)


JCM: Where could the rat be?

Wumbology: I don't know. Say, did you hear something?


JCM: No, did you?

Wumbology: I swear it came from that closet.


JCM: Oh well, let's keep looking for that rat.


Wumbology: Hey, maybe the rat's in the closet.

JCM: It doesn't hurt to look.


(JCM opens the closet door, and the rat crawls out.)

JCM: Well, whaddya know? (sees OMJ dead on the floor) That's going to stink to clean up.

(The rat's eyes begin to turn red, and it turns around just as Wumbology traps it in a jar.)

Wumbology: Run off again and I'll rape you with my pen.

JCM: Hey, you rhymed.

Wumbology: I'm Dr. fucking Seuss, bitch!

Rat: (breaks jar) Shut up, you dickheads!

JCM: Hey, I'm not a phallus face! And stop talking! You're a mother loving rat!

Rat: I'm no rat! I'm OMJ! And I loved your mother last night!

Wumbology: OMJ? The dead OMJ?

Rat: OMJ never dies! All y'all best recognize!

JCM: Hey, another rhyme!

Rat: This is not a Disney movie! This is real fucking life! You let me die, so you shall pay!

JCM: Shall? How old are you, Old Man Jenkins?

Rat: Old enough! Now, stand still so I can scratch you to death!

(Suddenly, the Grim Reaper rips open the wall and walks through.)

Grim Reaper: I've finally found you, OMJ! Once I take you back home, I'm going to have a lot of illegal fun with you!

Rat: Fuck you, bonehead!

Grim Reaper: Prepare to die...again!

(The Grim Reaper slices the rat in half, and JCM jumps into Wumbo's arms.)

JCM: Let's get out of here!

Wumbology: Get off of me, weirdo! (runs out of the room with JCM and the rest of the class)

Grim Reaper: It's just you and me now, Old Man Jerkface!

OMJ's soul: I'm going to miss that rat. Actually, no, I won't. (pees on the rat's corpse)

Grim Reaper: Seriously? Now, that's just wrong. Enjoy the rest of your life, you sick fuck! You're not worth fighting. (walks away in disgust)

OMJ's soul: (zips up pants and smiles) It was all worth it.

(The End)

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