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JCM Waterboys Like Nobody's Business

(Coach Dragiiin123 and the SBC football team trudge into the locker room after a devastating defeat.)

Dragiiin123: So...what the fuck happened tonight?

ExKizuna: Isn't it obvious? teenj was our star player, and he's not with us this year. Hence, we suck now.

Dragiiin123: The success and failure of this team does not rest on the presence of a single player!

Players: (in unison) Yes it does!

Dragiiin123: You know what the problem is? The problem is that you boys haven't been disciplined enough! Starting tomorrow, I'll fix that. Mark my words.

(The next day, the football team is lined up on the field, and Dragiin123 is walking back and forth among them.)

Dragiiin123: ...and if you ladies leave my island...if you survive training camp, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death, praying for war. But until that day you are pukes! You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit!

ExKizuna: (whispering) I can't wait until Kubrick's estate sues his ass.

Dragiiin123: Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cunt-licker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Out-fucking-standing! I will PT you all until you fucking die! I'll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!

JCM: (walks in) Did I miss anything?

(Dragiiin123 grabs JCM by the shirt.)

Dragiiin123: Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?

JCM: No, I just got here!

Dragiiin123: (lets go of shirt) Well, then what do you want?

JCM: (puppy dog eyes) A position on the football team, maybe?

Dragiiin123: Again? Was one hospital visit not enough for you?

JCM: Are there any positions that don't require me getting attacked by brutes?

Dragiiin123: Well, there is an opening for waterboy...

JCM: I'll take it!

Dragiiin123: Man, what spurred up your sudden interest in coming back?

(Flashback: JCM is eating lunch when he overhears Servin' Up Smiles talking on the phone.)

Servin' Up Smiles: He plays football? Oh my god, I love men who play football!

(End flashback.)

JCM: The community. How is it possible not to love this goshdarn great community, right?

Dragiiin123: Right. Our next game's Friday at 8. Don't be late, motherfucker. Now, where was I?

(Dragiiin123 turns around to find that the entire football team is gone.)

Dragiiin123: Those pussies left my training camp! Once I get ahold of them, I'll...I'll...do...something...bad!

(JCM stares at him.)

Dragiiin123: You can go now!

(JCM frolicks to the school while looking at his watch.)

JCM: Six days, three hours, fourty five minutes and eight seconds! (eating lunch) Four days, seven hours, eight minutes, and fifteen seconds! (taking a shower) Two days, twenty three hours, six minutes, and thirty four seconds! (sleeping) Fourteen hours, fifty nine minutes, and fifty three seconds.

(JCM's alarm clock starts ringing, and he sits up with a smile on his face.)

JCM: Today's the big day! I'm gonna waterboy like nobody's business!

(That night, JCM brings a hundred bottles of water to the locker room.)

Dragiiin123: JCM, you got here just in time! The players will need plenty of hydration when they kick Deviant Art School's ass, right?

Player 1: Right!

Player 2: Right!

Player 3: I touch myself at night!

Dragiiin123: (disturbed) Okay, then. JCM, leave the bottles by the door. We'll be out on the field in a few seconds.

JCM: You got it, coach!

(JCM walks out of the locker room just as the Deviant Art School's cheerleaders get into their first routine.)

Cheerleaders: Yip yip yee, kick 'em in the knee! Yip yip yass, kick 'em in the...nuts!

Announcer: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Deviant Art School Furries!

(The audience goes wild as the Furries run onto the field.)

Announcer: And now, the home team, the SpongeBob Community School Sailors.

Audience member: Yaaaay.

(The SBC cheerleader, a male stripper in a sailor costume, starts doing a provocative dance as the Sailors enter the field. Dragiiin123 sits next to JCM on the sidelines.)

Dragiiin123: This is what a twenty-dollar budget gets for you.

(The Sailors and the Furries spend the next half-hour duking it out on the field. By the end of the game, the two teams are tied, and as the Furries' quarterback goes in for a final touchdown, JCM kicks a water bottle in excitement. The water bottle hits the quarterback squarely in the middle of his forehead, causing him to he turns around and throws the ball into his own endzone.)

Announcer: (hears buzzer) Holy shit! The Sailors actually won the thing!

Dragiiin123: (throws cap to the ground) Damn it! I had fifty bucks riding on the Furries! Uh I mean, great job, team!

JCM: I did it! I waterboyed like nobody's business and won us the game! I waterboyed like nobody's business and won us the (slips on a water bottle) Ouch.

(The End)

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JCM Plays Jeopardy

(JCM, Idiot Box, and Hayden are on the school's auditorium stage with buzzers in their hands. jjsthegameshowhost walks onto the stage.)

jjsthegameshowhost: Good evening, ladies and jellyfish! This is SpongeBob Jeopardy!

Hayden: I'm going to kick both of your asses!

Idiot Box: I will cut you, Hayden! I will cut you!

jjsthegameshowhost: Contestants, contestants! The game hasn't even started yet! Now, the categories are: Episodes, Characters, Fact or Fishy, and The Secret Box. JCM goes first.

JCM: Episodes 100.

jjsthegameshowhost: This is the first episode of the series.

JCM: (buzzes in) What is The Gang Gets Racist?

jjsthegameshowhost: No! What?

Hayden: (buzzes in) What is Help Wanted?

jjsthegameshowhost: Correct! Hayden chooses next!

Hayden: Characters 100

jjsthegameshowhost: This main character had his first appearance in the episode "Plankton!".

JCM: (buzzes in) Who is the gingerbread man?

jjsthegameshowhost: Get out.

Idiot Box: (buzzes in) Who is Plankton?

jjsthegameshowhost: Right!

Idiot Box: Fact or Fishy for 300.

jjsthegameshowhost: Fact or Fishy? Aaron Springer has written for every season.

Hayden: (buzzes in) What is fishy?

jjsthegameshowhost: No.

JCM: (buzzes in) What is phishing?

(jjsthegameshowhost groans.)

Idiot Box: (buzzes in) What is fact?

jjsthegameshowhost: That's it! Idiot Box is now in the lead!

Idiot Box: Whoo! Secret Box 500!

jjsthegameshowhost: This is the largest natural structure on the planet.

JCM: (buzzes in) What is Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged?

jjsthegameshowhost: Lalala! Ignoring!

Idiot Box: What is the Great Barrier Reef?

jjsthegameshowhost: Wrong!

Hayden: What is jjs's cock?

jjsthegameshowhost: Yes! Hayden stole the lead!

Hayden: Yeah! Suck it, bitches!


Hayden: (pulls out gun) Be careful what you wish for!

jjsthegameshowhost: Hey! There will not be gunfights on this stage!

JCM: What is animal welfare?

(20 minutes later.)

jjsthegameshowhost: Alright! The game is now tied! Hayden and Idiot Box both have 1500! Whoever gets this last question right wins it all! (dramatic pause) Fact or fishy? Mr. Lawrence will turn 43 in January.

JCM: (buzzes in) What is fishy?

jjsthegameshowhost: How the fuck did you know that?

JCM: I'm a big Mr. Lawrence fan! I've been one ever since he created Codename: Kids Next Door.

Idiot Box: But that was Mr. War-

jjsthegameshowhost: Please, Box. Don't spoil the moment. Anyway, now that the categories are gone, it's time for Final Jeopardy! Take our your notepads and write down the questions to the following answer: This is the amount of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

(The Jeopardy theme plays as JCM, Idiot Box, and Hayden write down their questions on their notepads.)

jjsthegameshowhost: Time's up! Show me your questions!

(Hayden's notepad says "What is 5,234?", Idiot Box's notepad says "What is 5,235?", and JCM's notepad says "What is George Washington?")

jjsthegameshowhost: Well, you all got it wrong. The answer was: "The world may never know." Let's see the wagers.

(Hayden turns his notepad around to show that his wager was 1500. Idiot Box turns his notepad around to show that his wager was the exact same thing. JCM turns his notepad around to show that his wager was 10.)

jjsthegameshowhost: Holy shit! JCM wins the game!

Hayden and Idiot Box: What?

JCM: Yay! What do I win?

jjsthegameshowhost: You win a knuckle sandwich. (punches JCM)

JCM: (teeth falling out) I like sandwiches!

(The End)

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JCM Says Hey to Arnold

(JCM and ClassicNickelodeonFan1 are in the cafeteria eating blubber nuggets.)

CNF1: (sighs) JCM, I'm depressed.

JCM: Why? Are your blubber nuggets not chewy enough?

CNF1: No, they're fine. I'm depressed about the fact that Hey Arnold will never come to a satisfying conclusion.

JCM: Hey Arnold? Is that the show about those people who do that stuff?

CNF1: Yeah, and it was awesome.

JCM: So why do you think that its concussion was so unsatisfactorying?

CNF1: Because it left so many questions unanswered! What happened to Arnold's parents? Did Arnold ever get together with Helga? What is Arnold's last name? If you don't mind, I'd like to excuse myself. I'm not hungry anymore. (slides blubber nuggets to JCM) Here.

JCM: Yay! (puts a handful of blubber nuggets into his mouth) Wait. What am I doing?

(JCM swallows the blubber nuggets and takes a phone book out of hammerspace.)

JCM: If I don't cheer CNF up, I won't have anyone to talk to for the rest of the day! (thumbs through the phone book) I'm gonna get this fixed pronto!

(Later that day, JCM waits by the school doors with CNF1 right behind him.)

CNF1: What's going on, JCM?

JCM: Just wait! You'll see!

(A young man with a football-shaped head walks through the doors. CNF1 stares at the man in disbelief.)

JCM: You wanted to know about this Arnold guy's secrets, so I brought him in to tell you himself!

Arnold: How's it going?

CNF1: I don't think I've ever had a boner as hard as the one I have right now.

Arnold: Okay, TMI. (to JCM) Where's my money?

JCM: (takes out a wad of cash) Right here!

Arnold: (grabs money) What the hell is this?

JCM: Those, sir, are Goober dollars. Legal tender at any participating

(Arnold punches JCM and heads back toward the door.)

Arnold: I don't have time for this.

CNF1: Wait, please! I'm your biggest fan! I only have a few questions! Really!

Arnold: (stops and groans) Fine. I already asked for today off work, so I might as well.

CNF1: Yes! (does a little dance)

Arnold: Don't do that shit. Now, what do you want to know?

CNF1: First, how's Hillwood going?

Arnold: Terribly. Worst city in America. Next.

CNF1: Okay. How about Gerald?

Arnold: Who? Oh yeah, the token black. He's probably a basketball star or something. Next.

CNF1: Are you and Helga together now?

Arnold: Helga? That crazy bitch? Why would you think we're together?

CNF1: I mean, she always secretly loved you.

Arnold: Well, if that's true, she's secretly loving me in a high-security penitentiary now.

CNF1: Helga's in prison?

Arnold: Are you really that surprised?

CNF1: Strangely, I'm not.

Arnold: Is this interview almost over?

(Suddenly, CNF's little brother, ModernNickelodeonFan1, walks up to him and Arnold.)

MNF1: CNF, mommy says you're going to have to walk me home again!

CNF1: Ugh. Really?

MNF1: Hey, who's that guy? (points to Arnold) He looks kind of like Stewie Griffin.

Arnold: Are you fucking kidding me? I came before Stewie Griffin! Before!

CNF1: I'll walk you home later. Now shoo, shoo!

Arnold: Stewie Griffin! Un-fucking-believable! I don't even know why I still bother!

CNF1: You can go now if you want. I'm just grateful that you let me have a minute of your time.

Arnold: Yeah, no problem. (to himself) Man, I almost forgot what it felt like to help someone. (to CNF) I'm gonna give you this one piece of advice before I go: Don't let the world get to you the way its gotten to me. That optimistic nine-year-old with the blue cap and weird kilt-shirt thing is gone, but what he stood for...that'll live on forever. (walks off)

CNF1: Wait! What's your last name?

Arnold: Schwarzenegger!

JCM: Oh, I get it! He shares a name with

(The End)

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JCM Overdoses on Unicorn Chasers

(JCM is doodling in art class when a woman in a white robe walks in.)

Steel Sponge: (looks up from his desk) Ah, our special guest has arrived! Students, students, settle down! Today, you'll be drawing this lovely model.

(The woman waves awkwardly as she sits on a stool at the front of the class.)

Steel Sponge: Now, get out your pencils and paper, and when I say "Go!", you can begin drawing...Go!

(As JCM raises his head, the woman disrobes.)

JCM: (screams) Mr. Steel Sponge! Mr. Steel Sponge! That lady just exposed her milk bags!

Steel Sponge: Wow, really? I totally couldn't see that from here.

JCM: (eyes start bleeding) Help! I'm going blind!

Steel Sponge: Oh, stop being so fucking melodramatic.The human body is perfectly natural.

JCM: Natural? How could you say that? There's impressionable children in this room, like him!

(JCM points to Elastic Dog, who's taking pictures of the nude model with his phone.)

JCM: Actually, that was a bad example.

Steel Sponge: JCM, if you don't want to participate, you're very much free to leave the room.

JCM:(wipes the blood from his eyes) What's the point? I'll never be able to forget the horrors I've seen!

(JCM runs out of the art room and into the restroom. While he's washing off his face in the sink, he notices a little pink can under one of the stalls.)

JCM: (picks up can) "Unicorn Chaser"? (turns to the back) "Flushes out bad memories with memories of nice things, like unicorns"

(JCM immediately pours the contents of the can into his mouth. He then sees the fine print at the bottom of the can.)

JCM: "Don't take more than one sip at once"? (stomach rumbles) Uh-oh.

(The world around JCM stretches and compresses. When things go back to normal, he's standing in a bright and sunny forest.)

JCM: Where am I?

Voice: You're in a magical new land!

JCM: Who said that?

(A glowing fairy flies onto JCM's shoulder.)

Fairy: Me, silly!

JCM: Wow! A talking firefly!

Fairy: I'm not a bug, you fucking asshole!

JCM: Huh?

Fairy: Oh, sorry! I almost lost control there! You don't want to know the kinds of things I do when I lose control!

JCM: What kinds of th-

Fairy: Now feel free to look around! Your unicorn chasers should be coming back up at any moment! (flies away)

JCM: Coming back up? Wait! Wha-

(Suddenly, JCM starts vomiting a rainbow.)

JCM: Aaaauggggh! This is a lot more painful that it looks! Aaaauggggh!

(Once JCM is finished vomiting, a deer strolls up to him.)

Deer: Hi. My name is Jimmy. I hope we can be good friends.

JCM: Wow, a talking deer! To think that I've been hunting folks like you every November!

(The deer starts to back away.)

JCM: Oh, but I won't hunt you! I don't even have my rifle with me! All I have is this bazooka!

(JCM takes out his bazooka, and the deer sprints into the trees.)

JCM: Oh, darn it! Why do people always run away when I take this thing out? (sighs) I miss home.

(JCM is tucking his bazooka back into his shirt pocket when a flight of singing birds pass over him.)

JCM: I wonder where those little fellas are going.

(JCM follows the birds to a beautiful, snowy mountainous area. As he looks around in awe, a group of unicorns walk out of a nearby cave, and their leader bows in JCM's presence.)

Unicorn Leader: Welcome to our kingdom. We hope you find it to your liking.

JCM: This place is great and everything, but I really just want to go back to where I came from.

Unicorn Leader: What do you mean? You'll be back once the acid wears off.

JCM: Wait, acid?

Unicorn Leader: Yeah...Oh my god! You don't know that you're tripping balls right now?

Fairy: (appears out of nowhere) Ha ha! Thank you, stupid human, for leading me to these horned beasts! Now I can finish what I started so long ago!

Unicorn Leader: You're fucking with the wrong mares, fare bear!

(The unicorns and fairies clash in a bloody battle that leaves no survivors. JCM comes off his acid trip and throws the can of unicorn chasers in the garbage.)

JCM: Well, that was strange. At least I managed to forget about that naked la-Oh, goshdarnit!

(The End)

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JCM Smells Like School Spirit


JCM: (skipping down the hall) I love spirit week! It's the only time of the year you can dress up like your favorite superhero and not get laughed at!

(When JCM walks into what is now Clappy's history class, everyone laughs at him.)

Clappy: (dressed as Captain America) What are you supposed to be?

JCM: The greatest superhero of all time: Underpants-On-His-Head Man!

Clappy: Are you being serious right now?

JCM: (frowns) You don't like it?

Clappy: Of course I don't like it! Get the fuck out of my room!

(As JCM leaves the room, a man in a ski mask runs past him with a purse in his hands.)

Elderly Lady: (following the man) Help! Help! Someone stop that hoodlum!

JCM: Wow, an old lady getting mugged in the middle of a school hallway! Don't worry, Underpants-On-His-Head Man! Your great name will not be tarnished!

(JCM jumps on the man in the ski mask, rips the purse from his hands, and gives it to the elderly lady, who then scampers out the building.)

Man in ski mask: Why did you just give her my purse?

JCM: Your purse?

Man in ski mask: Yeah, my man purse! You want to fight about it?

JCM: But you're a bad guy! You're wearing a ski mask!

Man in ski mask: I'm wearing a ski mask because I just went skiing, you fucking dolt!

JCM: Oops.


JCM: (adjusts his grass skirt) Alright, superhero day was a bust, but I have high hopes for Hawaiin Day!

(A powerful wind blows off JCM's grass skirt, revealing his Dora the Explorer-themed tighty-whities. Everyone around JCM laughs at him.)

JCM: Well, at least my underwear weren't on my head this time. (notices OMJ operating a giant fan) Hey, that's where that strong breeze is coming from!

OMJ: Sorry about that! The controls are jammed!

(Suddenly, the giant fan sucks OMJ in, shredding him into a million pieces.)

JCM: Well, at least it's off now.


JCM: Ah, wacky hair day! Nothing can go wrong with wacky hair day!

(JCM's wacky hair comes to life and starts strangling him. crushingmayhem jumps in from out of nowhere and destroys the hair with a chainsaw.)

crushingmayhem: Where did you get that wig from?

JCM: Oh, a dark figure gave it to me. He said I could have it as a gift today if I gave him my soul or something.

crushingmayhem: You really shouldn't have bartered off your soul for demon-possessed hair.

JCM: Now that I think of it, you're probably right. I'll just break off the deal with him, then.

(The dark figure from earlier in the season appears behind them.)

Dark figure: No! You can't go back on your contract now!

JCM: Did you even bother to look at my signature?

Dark figure: (takes out contract) I now and forever bequeath you my spirit...Signed, Mr. Rogers?

JCM: Yeah, I forgot how spell my name, so I just put that there instead. Are you mad?

Dark figure: (fuming) Yes, I'm mad!

JCM: Well, sorry! Come back later when you have better presents!

Dark figure: Ugh! (disappears)


JCM: Well, it's pajama day, so there's no chance of me looking more ridiculous than everyone else!

(JCM walks into the school and finds that the rest of the students are wearing camouflage shirts.)

JCM: What in Sam Heck is going on?

(Eyes pop out of a nearby bush, startling JCM. The bush stands up, showing that it is really MichaelMN.)

MichaelMN: Didn't you hear? Today's Camo Day now!

JCM: No! I wasted my time getting these footie pajamas for the first time ever just for this occasion! Because I'm a man and I wear man peejays when I go to sleep at night! Totally!

MichaelMN: (pauses) What?


JCM: Got my red, white, and blue on! Hello, American Colors Day!

(JCM cruises through the hallways with confidence and takes a turn into Clappy's room.)

JCM: A Captain America suit? Again? (shakes his head)

Clappy: I kind of...don't know...how to take it off. But hey! American pride! Whoo! (falls to the ground) Holy shit, this thing is hot.

(The End)

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JCM Quells a Teacher's Union

(Dylan walks into the teacher's lounge, where the rest of the staff is waiting for him.)

Dylan: Thank you all for being here today. I just wanted to discuss a few things relating to our recent construction efforts.

Jelly: Like what?

Dylan: Well, it turns out that rebuilding an entire school costs a shitload of money, so I'll have to make cuts to your salaries to get some of it back.

Aquatic Nuggets: Cuts to our salaries? How much?

Dylan: Oh...some along the lines of 40%.

Wumbology: 40%? Are you fucked in the brain?

Dylan: Yes, but that's not what this meeting is about.

Steel Sponge: We will not stand for this! We have rights!

Dylan: Well, you'll have to stand for it if you want to keep your jobs.

Wumbology: No, we won't! We'll go on strike until you learn to treat us fairly! Who's with me?

Steel Sponge: I am!

Aquatic Nuggets: I am!

Jelly: I am!

(The teachers storm out the lounge, leaving only Dylan and jjstheviceprincipal.)

Dylan: What's their problem?

jjstheviceprincipal: I know, right? Just because you're docking their pay doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

Dylan: You know, I'm docking your pay, too.

jjstheviceprincipal:The fuck? (leaves lounge) Wait up, guys!

(Dylan sighs and picks up a microphone.)

Dylan: (through microphone) Can JCM please come to the teacher's lounge?

(JCM runs into the lounge three seconds later.)

JCM: What did you call me down here for, sir?

Dylan: The faculty is about to go on strike, and I need you to sabotage their proceedings.

JCM: Why me?

Dylan: Because I trust you. I know you can get the job done.

JCM: Weren't you trying to get me expelled a few weeks ago?

Dylan: Expelled? Ha ha! Why you talkin' so cray-cray? Now go! Go!

JCM: Yes, sir! (leaves)

(JCM walks into the school's indoor garden, where the teachers are putting together picket signs. He climbs up a tree before he can get discovered.)

Aquatic Nuggets: "SBC Unfair"? But where's the message? Where's the context?

Wumbology: It's a picket sign, not a rhetorical essay. Come on. Loosen up a bit.

Aquatic Nuggets: "Loosen up a bit"? I am an English teacher, sir! If you want casual kerfuffance, you can start up a conversation with the math guy!

(Aquatic Nuggets points to CDCB, whose sign says "S + B + C - PB&J Otter = Unfair".)

Steel Sponge: Alright, guys. I think we're done with the signs. Let's go and get the megaphones now.

Jelly: Shouldn't we have someone guard the picket signs?

Steel Sponge: Nah, they'll be fine. Besides, we'll only be gone for a few minutes.

(After the the teachers leave the garden, JCM jumps from the tree and takes out his mini-hammer.)

JCM: It's Hammertime! Ha ha! 80's reference! I'm hip! (smashes the signs with the hammer)

(Just as JCM sneaks out the garden, the teachers return with their megaphones. Once they see the crushed picket signs, they rush into Dylan's office with fury.)

Wumbology: You won't get away with this!

Dylan: Get away with what?

Steel Sponge: Destroying our picket signs, you elitist dick!

Dylan: I don't know what you're talking about, but since you're already here, I'll go ahead and offer you a modified plan for your salaries. I'll only cut 20%, and in exchange, I'll get to cut your health benefits to go along with it How about that?

Wumbology: What are you on?

Dylan: Heroin, but that's not what this meeting is about.

Steel Sponge: It doesn't even matter! There were cameras all over the garden! Once we turn in the footage to the cops, we'll get more than a year's worth of pay from the restitution fees alone!

Dylan: Good luck with that.

(The teachers walk out of Dylan's office, and an hour later, they walk back in with JCM bound and gagged and perched on Aquatic Nuggets and CDCB's shoulders.)

Wumbology: Well played, Dylan. Well played. We'll take your fucking deal, even though we got JCM to spill the beans within 30 seconds of waterboarding him. This whole thing has dragged out for way too long.

Dylan: Nice doing business with you.

JCM: (muffled) Can someone take this sock out of my mouth now?

(The End)

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JCM Hunts Down a Rogue Turkey

(Servin' Up Smiles sets up a Thanksgiving feast in the cafeteria, and the entire student body files in the second she announces that it's ready.)

ooooooofy: Man, this food smells delicious!

E.V.I.L: I'm sure that it tastes delicious, too!

ooooooofy: Smiles! Smiles! Smiles!

(The rest of the students chant "Smiles" with ooooooofy. Servin' Up Smiles giggles and calms them down.)

Servin' Up Smiles: Now now, it's the least I could do after all the kindness you showered upon me in my first weeks as lunch lady.

Elastic Dog: (whispering) That's not the only thing you'd like to shower upon her, right, JCM?

JCM: (whispering) Quiet, Elastic!

Servin' Up Smiles: Oh, I almost forgot the main dish!

(Servin' Up Smiles walks into the kitchen and comes back out with a plate of roast goose.)

JCM: Wait, is that the turkey?

Servin' Up Smiles: No, the turkey escaped, so I just cooked one of the geese from the local pond instead.

JCM: What? Your turkey refused to be slaughtered by your delicate fingers? It should be found and brought to justice!

Servin' Up Smiles: Oh, that's not really necessary.

JCM: Not necessary? When that turkey messes with you, it's messing with the school! We need to catch it and teach it a lesson! Come on, everybody!

E.V.I.L: As much as I enjoy chasing birds, I'd prefer to just sit here and eat this shit.

(The rest of the students mumble in agreement.)

JCM: Fine! Stuff your faces while there's a fugitive on the lam! I'll go after it myself if I have to!

(JCM leaves the cafeteria in a huff.)

Servin' Up Smiles: Maxwell, could you go with JCM and make sure that he doesn't get himself killed?

SpongeMaxwell: Sure, Miss Smiles.

Servin' Up Smiles: Thanks. I'll have a plate saved for you when you get back.

(SpongeMaxwell leaves the cafeteria and sees JCM pouring Cheerios into a circular rope enclosure.)

JCM: Max! It's great to know that somebody has sense around here!

SpongeMaxwell: What are you doing?

JCM: Well, you see, turkeys are very stupid animals that wouldn't pass up an oppurtunity for free food even if it endangered their lives. I plan to exploit that stupidity with this little rig I have going on.

SpongeMaxwell: Well, it seems to be working. The turkey's coming over now!

JCM: Oh, dear! Quick, hide! Hide!

(JCM and SpongeMaxwell jump into nearby trash cans, where they watch the turkey enter the rope enclosure, sniff at the Cheerios and start eating them with delight.)

JCM: Now, this rope hanging over us is the other part of the rig. Once I pull it, the turkey will be snatched up into the air, putty in our hands.

(JCM tugs at the hanging rope, but the enclosure does nothing, and the turkey gobbles up all the cheerios and struts away.)

JCM: No! (jumps out the trash can) What's wrong with that thing?

(JCM steps into the rope enclosure and stomps furiously. SpongeMaxwell pulls the hanging rope in curiousity, and the enclosure tightens around JCM's ankles and yanks him into the air. The turkey then reurns to blow JCM a raspberry.)

Turkey: Meep meep! (speeds out)

JCM: Darn it, Max! Get me down from here!

SpongeMaxwell: Sorry about that!

(SpongeMaxwell takes out a knife and cuts JCM down.)

JCM: Thanks...uh...do you a carry a knife often?

SpongeMaxwell: I live in a neighborhood with Avatar fans. I'd be fucked if I didn't.

JCM: Fair enough. Now on to Plan B!

(JCM runs into the restroom and runs back out dressed like a female turkey.)

SpongeMaxwell: I don't like where this is going.

JCM: Just bear with me! What's stronger than a turkey's gluttony? Its lust! Once I draw that little brown peacock in with my feminine charms, I'll have its head on a platter in no time! (hears the turkey) Poopy, it's here! Stay in that trash can, Max. I'll need a witness for this triumph!

(The turkey comes up to JCM and starts stroking the feathers on his outfit.)

JCM: (coughs) Hi, big boy. Ruin any Thanksgiving dinners lately?

(The turkey flips JCM over and immediately starts humping him.)

JCM: Ow! You're not even going to take me out on a date first?

SpongeMaxwell: JCM, are you triumphing yet? This trash can smell is starting to get on my clothes.

JCM: This turkey is a pervert! I'm out of here!

(JCM pushes the turkey off of him and runs out the school. The turkey eagerly follows.)

SpongeMaxwell: So, this started out as a wild turkey chase and ended as some sort of ode to bestiality...This is too much. I'm taking a nap. (sleeps in the trash can)

(The End)

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