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JCM Hangs With the SpongeBuddies While the Grim Reaper Donates Blood

(JCM walks into the janitor lounge and sees Steve Urkel eating melted cheese at a table.)

JCM: tvguy347?

Steve Urkel: JCMboy, me bob! I need you to get these banjos to my heterosexual companion at SpongeBuddy Middle School Registered Trademark! (takes banjos from under table and drops them) Did I do thaaat?

JCM: Um, OK. (picks up banjos and leaves)

Steve Urkel: This isn't melted cheese! This is yellow paint! Oh, well. (digs in)

(JCM takes the banjos to SpongeBuddy Middle School, and he runs into Mothra there.)

Mothra: JCM? I thought we ran you off.

JCM: Torches and pitchforks don't faze me! I endured the Holocaust!

Mothra: Oh, you're a survivor?

JCM: No, a Nazi.

Mothra: I shouldn't have asked. (walks to her classroom)

JCM: (shrugs and turns) SBRoxMan!

SBRoxMan: ::dolphin noise:: you!

JCM: (shrugs and turns) RedSoxFan!

RedSoxFan274: ::dolphin noise:: you!

JCM: (shrugs and turns) The Dark Knight!

Dark Knight: (gravelly) Say one more word to me and I'll chop your balls off with these bat-shaped throwing devices.

JCM: (crying) I just want to know where tvguy's heterosexual companion is!

Dark Knight: tvlover? He's in ssj's class.

JCM: You mean jjs?

Dark Knight: Who the ::dolphin noise:: is jjs?

(JCM marches into ssj4gogita4's class while beating his banjos.)

ssj4gogita4: (shushes him) They're having naptime.

JCM: (loudly) Boy, do I miss naptime. Where's tvlover?

ssj4gogita4: Please leave before I'm forced to taser you again.

Spongey34: (over intercom) Attention, students! It's time for your daily newbreak!

Students: (waking up) ::dolphin noise:: you, Spongey!

JCM: Where do those dolphin chirps come from, anyway?

ssj4gogita4: It's middle school, ::dolphin noise::tard. They come naturally.

JCM: tvlover?

ssj4gogita4: spongedude! God ::dolphin noise::ing ::dolphin noise:: it!

(At spongedude's room, JCM rolls the banjos in.)

JCM: You're with abney now?

abney317: Nice to see you again too, butthole.

spongedude: If you're looking for tvlover, he's with the librarian.

JCM: You have a library?

spongedude: No, we have a librarian.

(At the librarian's lounge, JCM walks in on DJ Sponge and bookworm having sex.)

JCM: tvlover?

bookworm: Get the fuck out!

JCM: What happened to the dolphin-

(bookworm literally kicks JCM out of the lounge, and JCM rolls to the bathroom door.)

JCM: Now how will I find-

Ricky Ricardo: (opens bathroom door, knocking JCM out) Oh Lucy, I'm home! (looks down) Hey, my banjos! My heterosexual companion must have left these for me! He's getting a prooty good surprise this evening!

(At the Red Cross down the street, the Grim Reaper walks up to the receptionist.)

Grim Reaper: How does it look? Can I donate blood?

Receptionist: According to our records, you're ten trillion pounds too light to donate blood.

Grim Reaper: Am I still getting paid?

Receptionist: Get the fuck out.

Grim Reaper: Yes, ma'am. (leaves)

(The End)

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JCM Spies on Clappy and Jelly While the Grim Reaper Texts While Driving Drunkenly Stoned

(JCM walks into the cafeteria, grabs a tray, and approaches Jelly at the food stand.)

JCM: A new lunch lady? Why?

Jelly: Miss Piddlin went on a homicidal rampage! Did you really think we'd keep her?

JCM: Come on! It's not like she was the open window maniac or anything!

Jelly: Good point. So, what entree do you want? The peanut butter and jelly? (winks)

JCM: I don't get it.

Jelly: (shakes head) They never do. Here's some chili. (drops chili on JCM's plate)

(As JCM grabs his milk, Clappy follows and talks with Jelly casually.)

JCM: It's great to see the staff here being so friendly to each other! (sees Clappy and Jelly hug) WHAT THE? (drinks milk and spits it right out)

Fa: (dripping with milk) You're lucky I'm on probation, assfart.

JCM: Fa, this is terrible!

Fa: I know. This is a twenty thousand dollar shirt.

JCM: No! Clappy and Jelly are having a steamy love affair!

Fa: This is me giving two shits. (draws a picture of himself holding two stinky piles of poop)

JCM: Fa, this is serious! That's a pretty nice drawing, though.

Fa: Thank you.

JCM: Staff can't bed each other! That's immoral! And gross! We have to stop it from happening again!

Fa: How does a fucktard like you you even know all this?

JCM: They were hugging, and you don't hug a person unless you're in an intimate relationship with them!

Fa: I'm getting the fuck away from you before I catch what you have. (runs away)

JCM: What do you mean? Fa?

Jelly: So, where do you want to have the meeting?

JCM: (overhears) Oh?

Clappy: How about City Sushi? I heard that cinya cooks up some might city sushi.

Jelly: City Sushi sounds good.

JCM: City Sushi, huh?

(At City Sushi, Clappy and Jelly walk in and have a seat. JCM walks in a few seconds later and jumps into a sumo wrestler's belly.)

cinya: (walks up to Clappy and Jelly) Hello, I shinya. You like some shitty sushi?

Jelly: Uh, I think so.

Clappy: Yeah, yeah we do.

cinya: Good! (writes in pad, walks off, and comes back a few seconds later with a large platter of sushi) Here you go.

Clappy: Should we start, Jells?

Jelly: After you, Claps.

JCM: Pet names!

Sumo Wrestler: Oh shit! It's talking again!

Servin' Up Smiles: (walks up to the sumo wrestler) Hello there! Would you like some of cinya's city sushi?

Sumo Wrestler: Yeah, sure.

Servin' Up Smiles: How about some smiles? They're a personal favorite of mine.

JCM: Smiles? That sounds delicious!

Sumo Wrestler: My belly would like some smiles.

Servin' Up Smiles: Great! I'll be back in a minute! (writes in pad, walks off, and comes back a few seconds later with a large platter of sushi and whale lips on the side)

Sumo Wrestler: What de fuck?

Servin' Up Smiles: We forced a whale to smile before ripping off its lips. Wonderful, isn't it? Here's a cup of whale blubber to use as smile dressing. (holds up cup and the sumo wrestler throws up)

cinya: Smiles! Why fat boy upchucking on floor? He hasn't even eaten shitty sushi yet!

(Suddenly, the cup of whale blubber explodes, and an evil whale blubber monster is left over.)

Whale Blubber: I am Whale Blubber! Fear my lipid-like wrath! (shoots fat at everyone)

JCM: (jumps out of sumo wrestler's belly) Hey! Come back here and flavor up my smiles!

Clappy: Whale Blubber? JCM? What de fuck?

JCM: What de eff to you! Why couldn't you choose to eff anyone but Jelly?

Jelly: Eff? We were discussing who to make the next nurse, you shit for brains!

JCM: Oh. That makes a lot more sense.

(A car crashes through the wall, and the Grim Reaper jumps out. He's tapping at his cell phone, drinking beer, and getting high off a joint all at once.)

Grim Reaper: (points at himself) This man is an admirable driver. (ODs)

(The End)

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JCM Crashes a Party While the Grim Reaper Fudges Up Again

(ExKizuna stands in front of a mansion's door and checks his watch. He looks up to find JCM dressed like a fairy and staring at him.)

ExKizuna: Can I help you?

JCM: I'd like to go into teenj's party. You'll see that my costume more than befits the requirements. (curtsies)

ExKizuna: teenj's fairy godmother is not on the list.

JCM: I'm not teenj's fairy godmother! I'm JCM, the manliest man on any list!

ExKizuna: You're not on this list. Sorry.

JCM: What?

ExKizuna: Just kidding. I'm not sorry. Get the fuck away from me.

JCM: Well, since you said you were kidding... (walks in)

(EXKizuna grabs JCM and throws him into space. An asteroid hits the mansion a few seconds later, and JCM jumps out of it.)

JCM: Remember, kids: Always be prepared!

teenj12: Thanks for breaking my roof, asshole.

JCM: No problem. Say, where's the food?

teenj12: Security!

(ExKizuna grabs JCM and throws him into the pits of Hell. JCM comes back out a few seconds later.)

ExKizuna: How did you get out of there?

JCM: I gave the devil your soul in exchange for a safe return.

ExKizuna: You did what? (a giant red hand comes out of the ground and drags a screaming ExKizuna back in with it)

(JCM walks into the mansion and takes a shrimp from the punch bowl.)

JCM: Wow, this shrimp is bigger than my Aunt Mary's bunions!

teenj12: That's beautiful. Why the fuck are you still in here?

JCM: Nothing can keep me away from a good party. You hear me, home skillet fresh buns?

teenj12: Does anyone happen to have a gun I can borrow?

Sara: Help! The baby's coming!

JCM: The stork called? Oh, no!

Sara: Stork? What the fuck are you talking about?

JCM: The stork babies come from! Duh!

Sara: I don't have time for your shit, JCM! Somebody call a doctor!

JCM: A doctor can't do anything! Don't worry! I'll run the stork, since you're obviously too gigantic to run three inches right now.

Sara: Once the baby's out, I'm going to fucking kill you!

(JCM runs to a creek, where he finds a stork drinking water.)

JCM: Stork! Do you have Sara's baby?

Stock: Caw! Caw!

JCM: Caw! Caw! Caw! Yes? Let's go!

(At the party, CF delivers Sara's baby just as that70sguy92 and JCM run in. JCM is holding the stork, which is pecking his eyes out.)

JCM: I got the-ow!-stork-ow!-guys.

Sara: You're going to be a great nurse, CF.

CF: (smiles) Thank you.

JCM: Does anybody notice me? Nobody ever notices me! (cries blood) That's it! I'm leaving town!

that70sguy92: It's a boy, guys! (everyone cheers)

(JCM leaves the mansion in sadness. Once he's outside, he sees ExKizuna covered in ashes and giving him an extremely dirty look.)

JCM: Oh! Hi, Ex! You aren't taking that whole sending you to the underworld thing personally, are you?

ExKizuna: (punches JCM, making him bleed further) No, not really. By the way, this isn't a costume party, vagina face.

(In the underworld, the Grim Reaper attempts to explain himself.)

Grim Reaper: I'm sorry for letting all those people slip through my fingers, boss! It won't happen again.

Evil Underlord: First you fuck up the Apolocalypse gig, then you fuck up the Jenkins job, and now this! If you fuck up the hamster thing in the morning, you're through! You hear me, home skillet fresh buns?

Grim Reaper: Yes, sir. (thinking) Oh well, it's only a hamster. What could go wrong?

(That morning, the Grim Reaper transports into the home of young Billy, who's with his friend Mandy.)

Billy: Ooh! Ooh! It's Santa! Santa Claus!

Grim Reaper: (thinking) Oh, god.

(The End)

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I'm back, britches!

JCM Returns From a Two Month Break While the Fourth Wall Remains Unshattered

(JCM walks into a ranch with tattered clothes and a small bag of possessions drooped over his shoulder.)

JCM: This is the perfect place to start over! No school, no worries, no hope, no nothing!

(The owner of the ranch sees JCM and walks up to him.)

Rancher: Hey, aren't you the little scumbag that ran off with my valuable steed a couple months ago?

JCM: I decline to comment.

Rancher: Just like a real man. So, what're you here for?

JCM: I'd like a job and a place to stay.

Rancher: Don't we all. Don't...You willing to work for free?

JCM: Of course! Those people on the dollar bills always creeped me out, anyway.

Rancher: Good. You start tomorrow. I'll get you something to eat. You're lodging in this barn.

JCM: Are you sure the cows won't mind?

Rancher: They're fucking cows. I'm going. (leaves)

Cow: Moo.

JCM: Please don't hurt me.

Rancher: (peeks in) Also, don't go into the closet. There's some pretty messed up shit in there.

JCM: What do you-

Rancher: DON'T GO INTO THE CLOSETbye. (leaves)

JCM: I'm sure there was nothing important in that closet, anyway.

(A few minutes later, a tall, slender black man with a purple suit and stylish cane walks into the barn.)

Man: Hello. I am A Pimp Named Slickback.

JCM: Is that your given name?

A Pimp Named Slickback: Boy, I gave myself this name! Where's the owner? I have reason to believe that he's in possession of my property.

JCM: I really doubt that. He doesn't have much property of his own. This is a pretty small-town ranch, and it's had a pretty dull history.

A Pimp Named Slickback: How long have you been on this ranch?

JCM: Five minutes.

A Pimp Named Slickback: I demand to speak to the owner!

JCM: There's no need to yell, Slickback.

A Pimp Named Slickback: That's A Pimp Named Slickback! You gotta say the whole thing!

Rancher: (walks in) What's all this commotion! (sees A Pimp Named Slickback) Oh, fuck! Quick, JCM! Grab this gun! (throws gun)

JCM: (catches gun) What? But I'm not licensed to use a firearm!

A Pimp Named Slickback: So that's how it's gonna be? Huh? I want my hoes!

JCM: This entire conflict is about garden tools?

A Pimp Named Slickback: They tools, but they ain't being used for no garden!

Rancher: (takes out gun) It's two against one, pimp! You might as well leave now!

A Pimp Named Slickback: It's A Pimp Named Slickback! You say the whole thing! (slaps the rancher with his cane, knocking him out)

JCM: Boss!

A Pimp Named Slickback: (takes the rancher's gun and pockets it) Say, what's in that closet over there?

JCM: You can't go in there! Boss says so.

A Pimp Named Slickback: (walks to closet) I'm your boss now, muthafu-hey, my pimp senses are tingling! This can't be good.

(A Pimp Named Slickback opens the closet door to find a bunch of dead women piled on top of one another.)

A Pimp Named Slickback: Damn it! Those were some quality bitches!

JCM: They're not wearing clothes! My innocence! My innocence!

Rancher: (regains consciousness) I tried...to protect you.

(A Pimp Named Slickback takes the rancher's gun out of his pocket and shoots the rancher with it.)

JCM: Boss!

A Pimp Named Slickback: I said I'm your boss. Say, have you ever considered becoming a gigolo?

JCM: This is too much. I'm going back to SBC. At least I felt moderately safe there. (leaves barn)

A Pimp Named Slickback: You sure you don't want my card? You're passing up a very fine opportunity, young man! Ah, fuck it. He wouldn't make me a cent, anyway.

Cow: Moo.

(The End)

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JCM Kills Old Man Jenkins While CF Loses Her Hair

(JCM walks into the nurse's office.)

CF: Oh, JCM. You're back.

JCM: Yes, I know. Please hold the fanfare. I've just come for a job.

CF: A job?

JCM: Yes. As your assistant nurse.

CF: Hell no! Fuck you!

JCM: Is that a yes?

CF: What?

JCM: I really need this job.

CF: There's no assistant nurse position! Now gee tee eff oh!

JCM: Can you make the position?

CF: Only Clappy can make positions.

JCM: Clappy! Clapmaster! Answer my call, you ball!

(Clappy runs into the nurse's office.)

Clappy: You know, I'm not just going to run in here every time you do that.

JCM: Can I be the assistant nurse?

Clappy: Hell no! Fuck you!

JCM: Please?

Clappy: Alright. As long as CF's cool with it. (leaves)

JCM: (puppy dog eyes) CF? I'm doing the puppy dog eyes thing. I know girls can't resist that.

CF: I am a woma-oh, fine. If you don't fuck anything up while I go to get my hair done, I'll give you the job.

JCM: Hooray! I'm a big boy now!

CF: (leaving) This is only going to end well.

(Shortly after CF leaves, OMJ walks into the office.)

OMJ: Where's my meds, bitch? I can call you bitch because I'm old and don't know any better.

JCM: I am not a female dog, sir. What kind of meds do you take?

OMJ: Xanthide.

JCM: (takes a bottle of pills out of a cabinet) I think this is it. (gives a few pills to OMJ) Wait, this isn't Xanthide. This is cyanide.

OMJ: (swallows pills) What?

JCM: Don't worry! I'm sure you'll be just...

(OMJ vomits blood and dies.)

JCM: Fine. Oh, dang it! Now CF will never make me her assistant nurse.

(CF walks to a hair salon. Once she's seated, the hairstylist walks up to her.)

Hairstylist: (chewing gum) What do you want, huh?

CF: I'd like a bit of curling and a trim.

Hairstylist: A bit of curling and a trim, huh?

CF: Yes.

Hairstylist: Alright. Just sit still, then, huh?

(The hairstylist rolls CF's hair into a curl then rips it off.)

Hairstylist: That'll be twenty bucks, huh?

CF: What the fuck did you do to my hair?

Hairstylist: A bit of curling and a trim, huh?

(JCM walks into the salon.)

JCM: CF, I killed OMJ.

CF: It's alright. His time was coming. Say, could you knock out that hairstylist for me?

JCM: I'm a bit rusty on my boxing stance, but okay! (punches the hairstylist)

Hairstylist: Karma's a bitch, huh? (faints)

JCM: You have a dog named Karma?

CF: (smiles) You're going to be a great assistant nurse, JCM.

JCM: Really?

CF: No, but you'll do.

(The End)

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Oh, right. Here's the next one.

JCM Finds the Bar While An Australian Steals His Kidneys

(JCM walks up to a house and knocks on the door. Sara opens it.)

JCM: Sara, you're thin again! Did you finally get that liposuction I suggested?

Sara: (rolls eyes) What do you want, JCM?

JCM: I wanted to talk to your husband.

Sara: He's at the bar.

JCM: A bar? Like alcohol bars? What woud he want to do there?

Sara: Drink alcohol, maybe?

JCM: So be it, I guess. Where's this bar at?

Sara: I really don't suggest following 70s, JCM. He kind of hates your fucking guts.

JCM: Pish posh! He's just going through a difficult time in his life. I've been watching Dr. Phil, so I know how to handle those of his type.

Sara: What do you mean by "those of his type"?

JCM: Irish folk!

Sara: Damn it, JCM! You're only digging a deeper grave for yourself!

JCM: I'll have you know that my wrist infection makes it impossible for me to dig!

Sara: You want to bother my husband? Fine. Take a left at the corner, and you'll see a homeless man. Ask him where the Dog Pound is, and he'll lead you to it.

JCM: Would you do me the pleasure of driving me instead? My feet really hurt from walking here.

Sara: Would you do me the pleasure of going to hell? (slams door)

JCM: Wait, you didn't give me a chance to answer! (walks off) Women are quite peculiar.

(JCM takes a left at the corner, and he sees a deranged hobo chewing on a squirrel.)

JCM: Do you know where the Dog Pound is?

Hobo: Do you know where my anus is?

JCM: That's in your mouth, isn't it?

Hobo: (thinks for a second) Yes. Follow me.

(The hobo takes JCM to a building with a flashing sign over it saying "Dawg Pound".)

JCM: That spelling is quite detestable. I'm starting to question the wisdom of going here.

Hobo: I heard they sell coke around there.

JCM: Coca Cola? That's my second favorite soft drink! I'm getting in on this!

(JCM runs into the bar and sees men in skimpy outfits everywhere.)

JCM: Hey, a costume party! I've been to one of those before! I'm important!

(that70sguy92 walks up to JCM and quickly takes him to a corner of the bar.)

70s: (whispering) What the fuck are you doing here?

JCM: I wanted to talk to you. I feel that you're bottling up your inner rage and letting it out on the unsuspecting as a coping method.

70s: What the fuck are you talking about?

JCM: I watch daytime television!

70s: (sighs) Okay, JCM. You should not be here. This is a very dangerous environment.

JCM: Danger? I face danger everyday! Just this morning, I used a real knife to put butter on my waffles. If that's not bad-butt, I don't know what is!

70s: I don't have time for this shit. Just try to stay out of trouble, and if a guy comes out of the next room screaming "All aboard the man train!", don't pay attention.

JCM: Why no-


JCM: (sniffs) You're making me cry, that70sguy. Hey, iambic pentameter!

70s: Ugh! (walks off)

JCM: I-am-bic pent-a-me-ter is the bomb!

Voice: Did someone say bomb, mate?

(Suddenly, an explosion fills the bar. The next morning, everyone wakes up with their pants off, including JCM.)

JCM: (waking up) What happened?

Man in speedo: An Australian terrorist blew our pants off. Since most of us weren't wearing pants, anyway, it didn't really matter.

JCM: An Australian terrorist? What's wrong with this world? And why am I feeling empty inside?

Man in speedo: That's probably because the Australian stole your kidneys. (points to bandage) See?

(that70sguy92 runs up to JCM.)

70s: I found your pants, and OH MY GOD WHERE ARE YOUR KIDNEYS?

JCM: Can I go home?

70s: Yeah, that's probably best. It was a only matter of time before you found out this was a gay bar, anyway.

JCM: Wait, this is a what?

(The End)

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Yeah, here it is.

JCM Fights a Smoke War While the Parent's Television Council Gets Butthurt Once More

SpongeBob: Hello, kids! It's me, SpongeBob!

Kids: Hello, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: I'm just here to tell you about my favorite product ever! Scarlett Johansson Cigarettes!

Kids: Ooh!

SpongeBob: That's right! There's nothing undersea critters love more than lighting up cigarettes. If you don't believe me, you can ask our personal wumbologist!

Wumbology: Sounds accurate to me. When do I get pai-

SpongeBob: Yep! Scarlett Johansson Cigarettes! Now in six flavors. (smokes a cigarette) Mmm, boysenberry!

(A Parents Television Council member turns off the television.)

PTC member 1: What the expletive was that expletive?

PTC member 2: I'm not sure what you just said, but that commercial was atrocious!

PTC member 3: Is boysenberry even a real thing?

PTC member 4: We must shut the whole thing down! Murder its children! Rape its wives!

PTC member 5: Come on, guys. Let's be reasonable. Kids aren't gonna start smoking just because some cartoon character told them to.

(At the SpongeBob Community School, the students walk to class with cigarettes in their mouths.)

Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick: Alright, (cough cough) class. (cough cough) Time for your (cough cough) next (cough cough) smoking break.

JCM: Why do we have smoking breaks all of a sudden?

Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick: SpongeBob smokes, so therefore, we must smoke.

JCM: That's incredibly unreasonable.

Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick: It is not incredibly unreasonable at all. It's inunreasonable.

JCM: Inunreasonable? What?

Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick: (gives JCM a lighter) Just try it. It's boysenberry-flavored. Whatever the fuck that means.

JCM: (spits out cigarette) No sir!

Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick: Then get out, traitor! (shakes head) Kids these days. They just don't succumb to peer pressure the way they used to.

(JCM walks through the halls in sadness.)

JCM: I don't get it Why are people so willing to put their lives at risk to imitate some...OH MY GOSH IT'S SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! (hits himself over the head with a frying pan)

SpongeBob: (helps JCM to his feet) Was that really necessary?

JCM: No. What are you doing in our humble abode?

SpongeBob: I was cruising the streets to make sure that the kids were smoking Scarlett Johansson Cigarettes.

JCM: Isn't selling cigarettes to our youth immoral and illegal?

SpongeBob: I don't know. But it sure gets us easy money!

JCM: I can't believe you'd get involved in such an unethical business!

SpongeBob: What? Would you rather I go back to flipping patties and scraping to feed my pet snail, you fat blob?

JCM: N-no.

SpongeBob: Good. Because I sold my pet snail to the French years ago.

(Old Man Jenkins clutches SpongeBob's arm.)

OMJ: Help! I'm out of Scarlett Johansson Cigarettes! Also, I have lung cancer. (coughs up lungs) Shit, I liked those things. (dies)

JCM: Look at this, SpongeBob! Look at what you've done!

SpongeBob: My goodness! News of this will put a serious dent in my advertising revenue.

JCM: I thought you were a hero! But you're nothing but an invertebrate!

SpongeBob: You make a good point. I'm going to go now and set things right. (leaves)

JCM: I knew he had it in him!

(SpongeBob returns later on and pours gasoline over OMJ's body.)

JCM: Wait, what?

SpongeBob: (sets body on fire) There! Now it's like it never happened!

(The PTC truck drives through the wall.)

PTC member 1: The gig is up, sponge! We know what you've been up to!

SpongeBob: Barnacles! The PTC! (runs off)

PTC member 2: Stay right there! We're getting our pepper spray! Come on, man. Get the pepper spray.

PTC member 3: I thought you were bringing the pepper spray!

PTC member 5: Fuck, guys!

PTC member 4: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch your language! In a goddamn school, too...

(The End)

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JCM Takes Over the School While Clappy Abandons Everyone At His First Opportunity

(Clappy is playing his 3DS when SpongeSebastian walks into his office.)

SpongeSebastian: i've got the financial updates, sir.

Clappy: Man, you're creepy. So, how much money do we have in the budget?

SpongeSebastian: we have no money in the budget.

Clappy: Well, fuck me in the ass! It looks like there's only one thing I can do.

SpongeSebastian: make the cuts necessary to keep the school out of debt?

Clappy: No! Sell my position and leave the burden on someone else.

(JCM runs into the office.)

JCM: Did you say something about selling your position?

Clappy: Depends. Do you have a million dollars?

SpongeSebastian: this is not a good idea at all.

JCM: Of course I have a million dollars! (gives a million dollars to Clappy)

Clappy: Goodbye, SBC! I'm off to one of those islands that only rich people know about! (leaves)

SpongeSebastian: the motherfucker did it.

JCM: I'm the new principal! Who knows what I'm capable of now?

SpongeSebastian: how about we not find out?

JCM: Get out, Sebastian! I'm about to make a few changes around here.

SpongeSebastian: and me being here somehow hinders your ability to make those change?

JCM: I'm feeling criticized. People in power aren't supposed to be criticized! Sebastian, you're fired for going against the natural order of things.

SpongeSebastian: wat

(JCM picks up SpongeSebastian and throws him out of the window.)

JCM: Man, that felt good! I'm going to go out and fire some more people!

(JCM runs to the nurse's office.)

JCM: Hello, CF. I'm your new principal, and I'm just here to fire you for being a woman.

CF: Wow, you're a serious asshole!

JCM: Flattery will get you nowhere. Please start packing before I'm forced to throw you out the window.

(JCM walks into jjstheenglishprofessor's room.)

JCM: Principal JCM here, firing you for teaching a subject you don't know anything about.

jjstheenglishprofessor: It's about damn time. Where's my severance package?

JCM: (writes jjs a check) Here ya go!

jjstheenglishprofessor: Later, children! I'm off to one of those islands that only rich people know about!

(JCM runs to Coach Dragiiin's office.)

JCM: It's me, Principal C! You're fired for making me run laps.

Dragiiin: You know, this principal thing's gonna blow up in your face.

JCM: Don't talk to me, peasant. I have work to do.

(JCM runs to Wumbology's room.)

JCM: You're fired because I don't know what wumbology is.

Wumbology: It's the study of wumbo, man!

JCM: Shut up and take the severance package, you disgusting excuse for a human.

Wumbology: You're a great principal.

JCM: I know.

(JCM is on the way to his office when that70sguy taps him on the shoulder.)

JCM: How dare you touch my glory! You're fired!

70s: No, I'm not.

JCM: Are you contradicting me? I am the principal!

70s: And I'm bigger than you. Now, shut up and give me my paycheck already. Clappy was late.

JCM: You're not getting paid because you are FAH-YAD! Because of your insubordination, you aren't getting a severance package, either.

(that70sguy punches JCM in the face.)

JCM: Help! Nurse! My eye is bleeding! Oh, right. I fired the nurse. Here's your paycheck, 70s. You drove a hard bargain.

70s: Yeah. Don't backtalk me again or I'll drive a hard bargain through your skull. (takes money and leaves)

JCM: Having absolute power is harder than I thought it'd be. I guess it's like Spiderman said: "With great power comes even greater hunger." Good thing I didn't fire the cafeteria lady. Yet.

(The End)

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JCM Continues His Reign of Terror While Other Stuff Happens

(tvguy347 walks into JCM's office.)

JCM: Hello, tvguy. What television personality are you imitating today?

tvguy: None of them. I abandoned that gimmick a while ago. It just doesn't make the greens like it used to, you know?

JCM: Greens? Like vegetables?

tvguy: ...Never mind. So, what happened to all the teachers?

JCM: I fired them for being gosh darn idiots. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it!

tvguy: Are you sure this principal thing isn't going to your head?

JCM: Of course not! I know how to control myself!

(Unlimitedcat walks in and gives JCM a cup of coffee. JCM takes a large sip and promptly spits it out.)

JCM: This is black coffee! I said I wanted red coffee!

Unlimitedcat: But sir, red coffee doesn't exist!

JCM: You won't tell me what does and doesn't exist! You're fired!

Unlimitedcat: But I don't work here.

JCM: You won't tell me where you work! Get out of my office!

(Unlimitedcat rolls her eyes and leaves.)

tvguy: JCM! You've never been this hostile to people before.

JCM: With great power comes even greater hostility. That's an Iron Man quote.

tvguy: What?

JCM: That's Mr. What to you!

tvguy: You're an idiot.

JCM: That's Mr. Idiot to you!

tvguy: I don't have time for this. I'm out.

JCM: (grabs tvguy's arm) You'll leave when I say you can leave!

tvguy: Let go of me, you asshole!

JCM: I'll let go of you when I say I can...let...go of you!

tvguy: You're the worst principal ever!

JCM: You're fired!

tvguy: (gasps) Fine. But when flaming bags of shit start flying in through your window, don't come crawling to me!

(tvguy storms out of the office, and JCM chuckles to himself.)

JCM: Heh. Flaming bags of poop. What'll he think of next?

(A flaming bag of feces flies through the office window.)

JCM: (pauses) Well, that's just one.

(Ten more flaming bags of feces fly through the office window.)

JCM: (sweating) I can handle that.

(Twenty more flaming bags of feces fly through the office window.)

JCM: tvguy!

(JCM runs out of the office as the fire begins to spread.)

JCM: This is not good! This is not good!

(As JCM runs through the hallway, he encounters a giant bucket of water. He immediately picks the bucket up and pours the water right into his mouth.)

JCM: (wipes mouth with sleeve) Yum. Refreshing. Now, what do people usually put out fires with?

(Idiot Box walks by with a barrel of oil.)

JCM: Oil! Of course! Young man, give me that barrel!

Idiot Box: Are you fucking crazy?

JCM: Crazy enough to work!

Idiot Box: Wha-

(JCM grabs the barrel and throws it into his office. Everything goes pitch black. When JCM wakes up, he's in an emergency room and covered with bandages.)

JCM: Nurse? (presses a button)

CF: Hello, dick.

JCM: My name's not Dick.

CF: I never said it was. What do you want?

JCM: I just wanted to know where I was.

CF: You're in the hospital. You got hurt pretty bad by that explosion.

JCM: Explosion? What explosion? Why aren't I at the school anymore?

CF: School? JCM, there is no school.

(The End?)

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JCM Meets Someone From SBC's Past While the Grim Reaper Returns With a Vengeance

(We open with a shot of what was once the SpongeBob Community School. All the students and staff members except JCM gather around the rubble and bow their heads somberly.)

tvguy: This is terrible.

teenj12: Unimaginable.

SpongeSebastian: i knew this would happen.

(JCM limps into the crowd and blows on a whistle to get everyone's attention.)

JCM: Hello, everybody! It is I, your glorious leader!

Everybody: Fuck off, JCM!

JCM: Well, somebodies woke up on the wrong side of the cabbage patch.

Old Man Jenkins: You suck!

JCM: Aren't you dead or something?

ExKizuna: Damn it, JCM! We don't have time for this! In case you haven't noticed, the school's been destroyed!

terminoob: What? The school's been destroyed?

(A young man in an eyepatch runs through the audience and kneels by the ashes of the school in despair.)

JCM: Who in Sam Heck is he?

tvguy: (in disbelief) That's terminoob, the principal before Clappy.

teenj12: He built the school from the ground up...

ExKizuna: And disappeared three years ago.

JCM: Three years ago? That's before my time! What's he doing here now?

terminoob: (quietly) I thought I'd pay you guys a surprise visit to commemorate the anniversery of its opening.

teenj12: Oh yeah! That was today, wasn't it?

terminoob: A pretty shitty anniversery this turned out to be.

JCM: Well, don't worry! We can celebrate a new anniversey! The anniversery of the day I came to power! Which...was also today. Yeah.

terminoob: (stands up) Well, we can't just leave the place like this. Everyone, stop moping around and grab your tools! We've got a school to rebuild!

tvguy: Does this mean you're coming back for good?

terminoob: Yes, it does. But not as principal. That ship sailed a long time ago. Where did Clappy go?

tvguy: Some island only rich people know about.

terminoob: God, I love those things. Since Clappy's gone, I guess you can fill my old spot, tvguy.

tvguy: Me? The new principal?

terminoob: Sure, why not?

JCM: Why not? I'll tell you why not! Clappy entrusted me with his old position in exchange for a clean transation of one million dollars!

terminoob: Tell me: Did you sign any contracts before making this transaction?

JCM: (pauses) No.

terminoob: Then congratulations, you stupid cunt! You've been duped out of a million dollars! Can't wait to see you in power, tvguy.

tvguy: Thanks, termi.

JCM: No! It's not fair! It's not...

(Suddenly, what's left of the school swirls into a vortex, which the Grim Reaper jumps out of.)

Grim Reaper: Aha! I've found you, Old Man Jenkins! You may have gotten me fired, but that's not going to stop me from ending your life nevertheless!

JCM: What's going on?

Old Man Jenkins: There's something I need you guys to know. I've been running from Death for the past couple of years, and his failure in catching me has led to him being forced to take a job in reality television.

Grim Reaper: I have to share a house with Ren and Stimpy clones! You have no idea how fucked up it is there!

JCM: Wait, are you the same Grim Reaper from Big Brother: Endsville Edition?

Grim Reaper: There's only one Grim Reaper...

JCM: I love your show! Can I have your autograph?

Grim Reaper: Sure! Can I have your soul?

JCM: Sorry, but you can't. I already gave it to that Native American casino down the street.

Grim Reaper: Those Cherokee bastards!

Old Man Jenkins: Are we going to fight or what, Dim Reaper?

Grim Reaper: Dim Reaper? Did you really just say that?

Old Man Jenkins: Hey, we're pressed for time.

Grim Reaper: All right. Old Man Jenkins, prepare to die!

(Old Man Jenkins and the Grim Reaper get in their stances, but before Grim can make the first swing, an asteroid falls from the sky and crushes OMJ.)

Grim Reaper: Well, that was a let-down.

JCM: I'll say. I never even got that autograph.

(The End)

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Season 2 premiere!

JCM Makes a New Friend

(JCM walks into a newly-renovated SpongeBob Community School and looks around in awe.)

JCM: Wow! Whose handiwork is this?

(Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick waves at JCM from a ladder.)

hilaryfan80: It's mine! Don't you love it?

JCM: Yeah! You can't even tell that I burned this place to the ground three months ago!

hilaryfan80: Oh, speaking of that, the new principal wants to see you.

JCM: tvguy?

hilaryfan80: He calls himself "Supreme Overlord Forever and Ever Until All Eternity", or "Dylan", now. Don't ask me why.

(JCM walks to the principal's office, and he finds the Supreme Overlord Forever and Ever Until All Eternity waiting for him inside.)

Dylan: Hello, JCM. Please, have a seat.

(JCM has a seat.)

Dylan: Now, we have a lot to talk about.

JCM: We do?

Dylan: Yes. As you know, arson is a Category 5 offense.

JCM: What does that mean?

Dylan: That means it's serious shit. And as acting principal, I need to punish yo ass fo that shit, you hear?

JCM: Not particularly well.

Dylan: You're expelled, bitch. Get out of my office.

(jjstheviceprincipal walks into the office.)

Dylan: jjs! You got here just in time to see JCM leave in tears!

JCM: (crying) I'm not in tears!

jjstheviceprincipal: About that...this letter just came in from Clappy saying that he wants to be held responsible for any and all of JCM's fucktardatry as principal. He's flying in right now to be tried in SBC Court.

Dylan: It's your lucky day, JCM! I've found another scapegoat for my blind rage.

JCM: Phew! (runs out)

(Aquatic Nuggets, the new English professor, sees JCM walk into his class.)

Aquatic Nuggets: You're tardy.

JCM: Sorry, sir. I was holed up in the principal's office.

Aquatic Nuggets: Fine, fine. Just don't make it a habit.

JCM: So, what are we doing?

Aquatic Nuggets: You're writing an essay about the things you like to do with your friends.

JCM: But I don't have any friends! Well, I did have one, but he got run over by a train. Rest in peace, person.

Aquatic Nuggets: Then make a new friend and write the goddamn essay!

JCM: Yes, sir!

(JCM walks out of the classroom and notices a nearby calendar.)

JCM: Hey, Old Man Jenkins' birthday is today! Getting him a present will be an easy way to make a new friend!

(JCM walks into the restroom with a pie in his hands. Old Man Jenkins, now a custodian, is mopping the floor.)

JCM: Happy birthday, OMJ! I got you this pie as a present!

OMJ: (smells pie) Mmmm! Where did you get it from?

JCM: Oh, some pirates out back were selling it.

OMJ: Cool.

(OMJ swallows the pie whole, and it explodes in his stomach, leaving giant hole in his body.)

OMJ: It goes right through me every time. (dies)

JCM: Oh, no! Now how will I make a new friend?

(JCM walks out of the restroom looking defeated. He passes ClassicNickelodeon Fan1 on the way.)

CNF1: Hey, are you alright?

JCM: No. I need to make a new friend by the end of this block so I can write an essay about the things I like to do with him for Mr. Nuggets.

CNF1: Couldn't you just bullshit the essay?

JCM: Bull poop? What?

CNF1: You know, lie.

JCM: But lying is a sin! I don't want to go to Hell!

CNF1: Then I'll be your new friend. I like watching classic cartoons and going to anime conventions. That's enough material for an essay, don't you think?

JCM: Yeah, thanks! (starts to turn, then stops) By the way, I didn't catch your name.

CNF1: Classic Nickelodeon Fan One, the one and only! See what I did there? (winks)

JCM: (long pause) No.

(The End)

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JCM Falls In Love

(JCM walks into the cafeteria, grabs a tray, and approaches Servin' Up Smiles at the food stand.)

JCM: Hey, I remember you! You served whale lips at that Chinese restaurant!

Servin' Up Smiles: It was actually a Korean restaurant, but I'm glad that you remember me! Since mutilating large aquatic mammals tends to ruin my nails, I've decided to start servin' up regular ol' fish lips instead! Would you like some?

JCM: Sure!

(Servin' Up Smiles gives JCM a platter of fish lips, and he pours the entire tray into his mouth.)

Servin' Up Smiles: I call them my Mini-Smiles!

JCM: (mouth full) Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

(Once the last Mini-Smile is down his throat, JCM looks up at SUS again, but this time her face is glowing, her hair is blowing in the wind, and heavenly music is playing in the background.)

JCM: S-say, wh-what ha-happened to J-Jelly?

Servin' Up Smiles: (echoing) Oh, she went back to nursing. Said something about getting pissed at people who didn't get her "peanut butter and jelly" joke.

JCM: Excuse me for a second.

(JCM runs to the other side of the cafeteria and sees Elastic Dog chewing on a bone.)

JCM: Say, where did you get that bone from?

Elastic Dog: The local funeral home.

JCM: I regret asking now. Anyway, what do you know about (points to SUS) her?

Elastic Dog: Oh yeah, the new girl. Don't know much, but I'd fuck her.

JCM: How dare you use such crass language to describe such a beautiful young woman!

Elastic Dog: Are you shittin' with me right now? (thinks for a second) Oh my God, our little JCM's in love!

JCM: (looks around) I don't know what you're talking about.

Elastic Dog: Ha ha ha! This is great! Wait until Ex knows!

JCM: No! You can't tell anyone about this! If people know I can love, people will think...I'm weak.

Elastic Dog: JCM, you're afraid of your fucking reflection. You shouldn't really worry about people "thinking you're weak".

JCM: I am no- (sees his reflection on the table, and steps back uneasily) I am not.

Elastic Dog: Just tell Smiles about how you feel. If you're lucky, you'll at least get a pity handjob.

JCM: I don't know why I went to you about this! I am not in love, and that's final!

(Suddenly, JCM's crying at the guidance counselor's office.)

JCM: I'm in love!

SpongeSebastian: there, there. it's alright. we all go through these emotions sometime in our lives.

JCM: But it was supposed to be different for me! I wasn't supposed to love again! Not after...she died.

SpongeSebastian: who died?

JCM: My beloved goldfish, Mrs. Tailfin.

SpongeSebastian: ...what the fuck is wrong with you?

JCM: Huh?

SpongeSebastian: you're equating your love of a smelly housepet to your love of a living, breathing human.

JCM: Is there something wrong with that?

SpongeSebastian: you are beyond help. go waste somebody else's time. (kicks JCM out)

JCM: Now what do I do? What do I do about these...feelings?

Voice: I couldn't help but overhear your dilemma.

(A dark figure appears next to JCM with a scroll in his hands.)

JCM: Who are you?

Voice: I'm...Stan. And I have a magical solution that will rid you of all your pesky "feelings". Just sign this scroll and those feelings will go away immediately.

JCM: I don't know. People kind of stopped using scrolls in the 13th century.

Stan: 13...my favorite number. Come on! Sign the scroll! I dare you!

JCM: (suspicious) I don't think I've seen you around here before.

Stan: I'm new, okay? Now come on! Sign the goddamn scroll!

JCM: I don't like your tone.

Stan: (singing) Sign the goddamn scroll!

JCM: That's better! (reaches in his pocket) Shoot, I'm out a pen. Do you have one I can borrow?

Stan: Oh, just forget it! I'll steal your soul later! (disappears in a billow of smoke)

JCM: But...I like my soul.

(The End)

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JCM Rests His Case

(An airplane lands in front of the SpongeBob Community School. Clappy walks out of the airplane and enters the school with a nervous expression on his face. JCM runs out of a nearby room and gives him a giant bear hug.)

JCM: You're back! You're back! You're finally back!

Clappy: Heh heh. Yeah, I am. Do you happen to know where Dylan is?

JCM: He's in his office, or what used to be your office, or...

Clappy: I get it, I get it. Thanks.

(Clappy walks into the principal's office, and JCM presses his ear against the door to listen.)

Dylan: Clappy! What a surprise!

Clappy: Stop dicking around and tell me the charges you plan to bring up against me.

Dylan: Yes, of course. (takes out a sheet of paper) A-heh-hem! (in a stereotypical British accent) We the prosecution hereby accuse former principal Clapmaster of the crimes of arson, negligence, and high treason!

Clappy: High treason? Are you fucking insane? That'll never hold up!

Dylan: I think we'll leave that to the jury to decide. See you in court.

(Clappy stomps out of the office, and JCM is quick to accompany him.)

JCM: What are we going to do? High treason is punishable by execution...of a computer program that adds your name to the list of people that can never access pornography!

Clappy: What's this "we" you're speaking of?

JCM: I'm going to be your lawyer, of course! It's the least I could do after you saved me from getting expelled.

Clappy: Do you even know anything about SBC law?

JCM: SBC has a law?

Clappy: I'm fucked.

(Clappy and JCM walk into the school's courtroom and see jjstheviceprincipal sitting at the judge's bench with a white wig on.)

JCM: Hey, it's George Washington!

jjstheviceprincipal: I'm not George Washington, asshole. I'm the presiding judge, and if you speak out of turn again, I'm holding you in contempt of court.

(jjs looks up and finds JCM playing with his wig.)

JCM: Wow, it's real unicorn hair!

jjs: Order! Order in the court! Stop stroking my hair and go back to your podium before I have to cut a bitch!

JCM: (sad) Okay.

(JCM goes back to his podium, and jjs looks over his papers.)

jjs: Seeing that you already know the charges, I'll just get right to the meat of the thing. How does the defendant plead?

Clappy: Not guilty!

jjs: Fine, then. Bring out the jury.

(Students from all over the school fill the stands.)

SpongeMaxwell: I can't believe we have jury duty.

Webzoid345: Hey, at least it lets us miss a few classes.

jjs: Order! Order in the court! Why the fuck didn't I buy a gavel?

Dylan: Can the prosecution present its argument now?

jjs: Yeah yeah, whatever.

Dylan: Clappy...once a great principal...now a traitorous coward.

JCM: Objection! He's using loaded terms!

jjs: Overruled. I don't even know what that means.

Dylan: Like I was saying, Clappy abandoned this school in its time of need and left it to... (points to JCM, who's eating a sandwich) that!

jjs: He left it to a sandwich?

Clappy: Objection!

jjs: I'm not really sure if the defendant can object, but sustained.

Dylan: Uh...okay. JCM, the one I was actually pointing to, was an idiot who knew jack shit about running schools but plenty about wrecking them.

JCM: Objection! I can't focus on countering an argument while eating a sandwich!

jjs: Do you even know how objections work?

Dylan: I rest my case.

Clappy: Goddamn it! I don't have time for this! Have any of you looked at the school lately? It's fucking awesome! I've only been back for an hour and I can tell that it looks better than it ever did when I ran the place! Is it bad that JCM burned down the original school? Yeah, but looking at this newly renovated school, I can tell that it didn't happen in vain! When JCM "wrecked" the school, he forced progress, and progress, in my mind, should be encouraged, not chastised.

JCM: (pauses) What he said.

jjs: Okay, jury. What have you decided?

Jury: Not guilty, blah blah blah. Can we go home now?

Clappy: We did it! We won!

JCM: Yeah! So when do I get my pay?

(The End)

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JCM Gets an October Surprise

(JCM, wearing a "sexy firefighter" costume, sneaks into Wumbology's classroom. Wumbology, wearing God-knows-what, notices JCM slide into his seat.)

Wumbology: Uh, JCM? Why are you dressed as a slutty fire-extinguishing official?

JCM: My Halloween costume shrunk in the dryer, so I had to borrow my sister's.

Wumbology: You have a sister?

JCM: What about a sister?

Wumbology: (pauses) Never mind. Anyway, class, happy Halloween! As you all know, I'm the Doppler effect today.

(The class stares at him blankly.)

Wumbology: You know. eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEE.

(The class stares at him blankly.)

Wumbology: (annoyed) Happy fucking Halloween. Class dismissed.

(All the students except JCM rush out of the classroom. JCM is about to leave with them when he hears a strange sound from Wumbology's closet.)

JCM: Mr. Wumbo? Did you hear that?

Wumbology: I didn't hear anything.

JCM: It came from your closet.

(JCM steps cautiously to the closet, and when he opens it, a skeleton falls out.)

JCM: (screams bloody murder) Mr. Wumbo! Mr. Wumbo!

Wumbology: Oh hey, I forgot about that thing.

(Wumbology picks up the skeleton and hangs it over his shoulder.)

Wumbology: This brings me back to my bachelor days. Me and ol' skully had hours of fun.

JCM: You can have fun with a skeleton?

Wumbology: Oh, yeah! Me, skully, and the girls had threesomes, foursomes, you name it! Those days were great.

JCM: Mr. Wumbo, should you really be telling me about your human-skeleton orgies?

Wumbology: No, I probably shouldn't. Say, you want to take ol' skully home with you? He'll give passerbys some pretty good scares!

JCM: I don't know... (looks at the skeleton closely) Yeah, why not?

(JCM takes the skeleton home and lays it down on his couch.)

JCM: I hope Mr. Wumbo was right about you being fun.

(There's a knock at JCM's door, and when he opens it, he sees a young boy dressed as Spider-Man.)

Boy: Trick or treat!

JCM: Oh, how cute! I'll get your candy!

(JCM walks off for a few seconds and comes back with a hand behind his back.)

JCM: Alright, here's your candy!

(Suddenly, JCM reveals what was actually in his hand, the skeleton's skull.)

JCM: Boo!

(JCM hovers the skull in front of the boy's face, and the boy doesn't even flinch.)

Boy: Are you fucking kidding me? I've seen scarier things in a "Got Milk" commercial!

(The boy kicks JCM in the shin.)

JCM: Ow! Your parents obviously aren't beating you enough!

Boy: (walks off) I'll be back with toilet paper!

JCM: Don't even think about TPing my house!

Boy: (still walking) I'm thinking about it!

JCM: (throws the skull in the living room) So much for that!

(JCM goes into his bedroom, flops onto his bed, and falls asleep. Meanwhile, in the living room, a bony appendage picks up the discarded skull.)

JCM: (sleeping) Yes, Lord. Spray all your liquids of redemption right onto my face.

(A shadow creeps through the hallways. JCM rolls over in his blankets. The bedroom door flies open.)

JCM: (wakes up) Jesus?

(JCM looks around his room and sees nothing. He closes his eyes again, and moments later, a skeletal hand is in his pants.)

JCM: (wakes up again) Wha?

Skeleton: Shh. (closes JCM's eyes)

(The next day, JCM storms into Wumbology's room.)

JCM: Your skeleton molested me!

Wumbology: Well, what did you expect from the bones of a serial rapist?

JCM: A serial rapist? You didn't tell me that those were the bones of a serial rapist!

Wumbology: Oh. (shrugs) My bad.

(The End)

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