Mature Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000: Tales from the Internet

[Jjs Goodman]

Welcome back to the final edition of Jjs Goodman's (or Jjs Cousineau's) theater. The original theater's 10th anniversary is June 16th, so we'll be doing one last special miniseries to celebrate and ride it off into the sunset. We'll be taking a look at ten random stories from around the web, each dedicated to a special interest of the community's. But there's a twist: I'll be looking at these as if we're searching for forbidden lost media and creepypastas, which is sure to send chills down your spine!

The first riff will be posted exactly on June 16th, 2023. Mark your calendars.

[Danny DeVito]

if that title is a reference to justin whang's series then this is automatically a 10/10

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode I: Spooge Boob Triangle Dress

Spoiler

Jjs: Welcome back to Jjs Goodman’s master class riffing theater! June 16th, 2023 marks a whole decade since I opened my original theater, which mang, does time sure goddamn fly letting that fact sink in. To celebrate that milestone, we’ll be doing something special. For my final riff theater edition, we’ll be dissecting ten silly (and possibly creepy) one-shot stories from around the vast internet. Each will be covering a subject SBC’s had a common interest in. My theater started with riffing goofy stories, so it’s only poetry that it ends riffing goofy stories. But this time, I’ll be doing it with an ominous twist: I’m going to be narrating these like we’re uncovering forbidden lost media. And maybe in some of these cases, they should be lost. Interpret that how you will.

The first tale we’ll be taking a look at is “Spooge Boob Triangle Dress”, because there’s no better way to start this off than with a SpongeBob fic. While I’m more of a SpringBoob SquirePin guy myself, Spooge Boob has quite an odd history in the fanfiction community. Originally posted January 1st, 2008 on fanfiction.net by user “the 6ft Dick,” the story went relatively unnoticed at its time, but soon grew a cult following. On November 8th, 2012, user “JonathanNC” would bring the story into the limelight on fanfiction.net’s “Bad SpongeBob fics” thread:

Some loved it for its unbridled insanity, others not so much. To quote one review from user “not that”: “This is the dumbest piece of shit I've ever had to read in my entire life.” Many have wrote this tale off as a mere trollfic shitpost, and even the author himself states, quote, “Don’t get your tits in a knot about my stories, they are not meant to be serious…AT ALL!” But is it truly a shitpost? Perhaps there’s more depth and hidden meaning to this story than meets the eye. Let’s find out.

Fred: And I’m back, insert long-winded speech/explanation about what happened to me between the riffing theaters, and now I’m here.

Steel: It’s riffing time. *Riffs all over the place*

Spooge Boob Triangle Dress

By the 6ft dick

Jjs: the 6ft Dick is truly an iconic name that commands your attention and respect, up there with all the literary greats!

OMJ: There’s a joke to be had here with the words “the 6ft dick” and “one-shot”, but I’m not sure even I can attempt that.

JCM: It’s like Moby Dick, only nobody wants to find it.

TJ: At least he’s letting us know how well endowed he is.

Steel: Today’s segment on Jjs’ Riffing Theater: “A six foot penis wrote THIS fic???”

Fred: I did a Google search of celebrities who are 6 feet tall so I can make a joke around this so imagine if this fic was written by this guy:

It was another day in Bikini Bottom, and Sponge Bob was trying to get his license for the 1,752,940,324,477th time.

Jjs: You know what they say, 1,752,940,325,477th time’s the charm!

OMJ: This is the reason right here! It’s that “never say die” attitude that’s really helped Spooge Boob endear itself to readers over the years.

Fred: Wow. And I thought SpongeBob was the worst driver in Bikini Bottom, this guy is definitely more of a failure.

Sponge Bob strolled up to the boating school house and knocked on the door.

OMJ: I’m guessing having a student that fails that many times has put Puff on hard times and has forced her to sleep under her desk.

Ms. Puff answered, "Is this the feds? Because I don't have cocaine on me today."

JCM: how are the feds supposed to get lit now

Jjs: So what’s for dinner tonight Puff Mama, coke?

OMJ: “Cocaine Pufferfish”, streaming soon only on Paramount+!

TJ: I guess we know why she’s named ‘Puff’ now.

Fred: more like “mrs. huff” amirite or amirite

Steel: You know what they all say about life being a highway.

"No Ms. Puff. It's me Sponge Bob."

JCM: No proper English. It’s me the guy who got held back two grades.

OMJ: Wow, she’s really avoiding the subject of Mr. Puff like the goddamn plague in this timeline.

"Oh mother fucker," Ms. Puff exclaimed.

Jjs: I’m betting she wishes it had been the feds instead.

OMJ: 

TJ: Dealing with a guy who’s failed your class over a gazillion times would elicit this reaction from anyone.

"Alright, come in come in," she said in a droll voice.

Jjs: Although many onlookers dismissed this story’s writing as immature, you have to commend 6ft Dick’s attention to detail by diversifying his vocabulary to include deep cuts like “droll.” Hey, credit where credit is due.

OMJ: Rather than a trollfic, perhaps it’s actually a “drollfic.”

JCM: Doesn’t know how commas work but can load up thesaurus.com like the best of them!

"O.k. Ms. Puff I know I will pass this time for sure, because I watched my lucky porno last night."

Jjs: I find it hard to believe he didn’t watch it the night before the other 1,752,940,325,476 times.

Steel: You got to give him credit that it took over a trillion attempts for Sponge Boob to realize that getting himself a good hard-on before a test might’ve done the trick in helping him get his license.

OMJ: “With Friends with Benefits like These, Who Needs Anemones?”

TJ: So what he’s saying is that his engine’s ready, if you know what I mean.

Fred: That’s my exact mantra when it comes to taking tests: “Watch a porno before the test, next day you’ll do your very best.”

"Yeah whatever, let's just get this over with. Oh Sponge Bob, before we go I need to do something can you turn around for a minute?" Suddenly, Sponge Bob heard a loud sniffing noise.

JCM: So I’m not the only one crying now?

Jjs: Allergy season’s a bitch.

OMJ: Take one big whiff of dat ass for the road.

TJ: When you gotta do a line, you gotta do a line.

Steel: She’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

Sponge Bob turned around and asked if she was alright. When he turned around he saw Ms. Puff tie a rubber band around her arm and inject a shit load of heroin in to her blood stream.

OMJ: Cue the Oh it’s such a perfect day! I’m glad I spent it with you! Oh what a perfect day, you just keep me hanging on!

JCM: This writer clearly hates the concept of compound words: “Sponge Bob”, “shit load”, “in to”, “blood stream”. He wouldn’t last a day in Germany.

Fred: Holy fuck, do we need Neil DeGrasse Tyson in here to riff too? This whole script is filled with so much space in between words.

TJ: I just love how quickly this goes from zero to a hundred.

Steel: Dang, they made her go from a cocaine smuggler to a full-fledged junkie in little time flat. I guess having a student who is a 1,752,940,325,476 time failure can do that to somebody.

"Hoo yea let's do this mother fucking shit Sponge tits,"Ms. Puff yelled in a drug induced fit.

Jjs: I don’t blame her, doing drugs is probably the only way to keep herself sane when dealing with SpongeBob after all these years.

OMJ: Ah yes, a nice little reference to the working title of this fanfic, “Sponge Tits Pentagon Romper.”

TJ: She should give “Sponge tits” a hit of it too. At that point, I’d try anything to get this guy to pass his test.

Soon they both headed out to the boat and Sponge Bob was going to drive. "O.k. Sponge Bob," said Ms. Puff, "what's the first thing you want to do before driving a boat?"

Steel: Shoot some more 8-ball of course.

"Put on your seat belt," Sponge Bob said confidently.

Jjs: 1924!

OMJ: pffft!  …1925

"Wrong," yelled Ms. Puff. "You always snort some cocaine." Ms. Puff then pulled out a straw and snorted another line. Her nose began to bleed.

Steel: Oh crap, I was right. Maybe I should be getting my license at this rate.

JCM: Wish my driving teacher was this cool.

Jjs: Maybe the lucky cocaine is what SpongeBob really needs to pass this test. Come on Puff Mama, lend him that dope!

OMJ: “The pufferfish, she did FUCKING COCAINE!”

Fred: Okay. So far, we’ve had many mentions of pornography and cocaine use throughout this story. Was Charlie Sheen the 6 foot dick who wrote this?

"Come on Sponge Bitch, let's get started.

Jjs: I thought this was about Spooge Boob, not Sponge Bitch. Already feeling cheated and lied to, smh.

OMJ: Ah yes, a nice little reference to this fanfic’s second working title, “Sponge Bitch Hexagon Jumper.”

JCM: Where’s my sponging money bitch?

TJ: Spooge Boob has a looooot of names in this reality.

Back this bitch out right this fuckin second. Let's go Spongy on the open road." "But Ms. Puff I'm not ready for this kind of thing."

Jjs: But the lucky porno!!!

OMJ: Pause.

TJ: He’s just having some good ol’ performance anxiety.

Ms. Puff then pulled out a gun and aimed it right at Sponge Bob's head. "Drive bitch drive!" Ms. Puff yelled. Sponge Bob floored it running over and killing several people.

JCM: Hey, it was either them or him. #spongebobdidnothingwrong

Jjs: Perhaps all this time Mrs. Puff was enabling SpongeBob’s incompetence and secretly enjoys the chaos it brings. Maybe he’s not even the first student she’s manipulated. This would certainly expand upon her alluded to shady past in Doing Time. Food for thought.

OMJ: Something tells me Mr. Puff becoming a lamp was no accident.

TJ: I could honestly see show Puff doing the same.

Steel: One slam on the gas pedal and the body count is already as high as the pufferfish herself.

Sponge Bob careened down a street at break neck speed,

JCM: he did break a few necks at that speed

Steel: Some of them probably even lost their necks.

almost hitting Sandy, who at that moment was soliciting sex from Larry the Lobster.

Jjs: What if Sandy was hit by a car while soliciting sex from Larry the Lobster?

OMJ: while also getting acid thrown in her face?

Suddenly, a police cruiser came out of nowhere and began chasing them. "Turn right here," said Ms. Puff. Sponge Bob swerved down an alley way with the police boat right on their ass.

Jjs: Now we’re essentially reading Grand Sponge Auto, too bad we can’t play it though.

JCM: firing up unity rn

Fred: “Grand Sponge Auto IV: The Ballad of Cokehead Puffy.” You can find it on the shelves next to “Leisure Suit Larry the Krab Lobster.”

OMJ: Before “Mr. Krabs Overdoses on Ketamine”, there was “Ms. Puff Overdoses on Cocaine and Heroin.”

TJ: I get the impression Puff has done this chase from the cops before on a different cocaine-induced escapade.

"What's down here?" asked Sponge Bob. "A hideout?" "No clam tits. I need another hit because I'm all out of shit," she said.

Jjs: Guess you shouldn’t have snorted your last hit before starting the boat. Cross that off the list.

OMJ: Time to add “clam tits” to my everyday vocabulary.

JCM: When did Ms. Puff snort clam tits? I have not been following this well enough.

TJ: You know, that reminds me, I wrote about a drug slangin’ version of Puff in an old spin-off of mine. Guess the idea’s common.

Steel: I suppose driving into an alley for a dealer is also part of the driving test.

"Fuck that shit, stoner bitch. I'm getting you to rehab so hold on." Sponge Bob floored it.

Jjs: I’m not even sure if rehab could tame this form of Puff Mama at this point.

OMJ: Cue the Today, I feel like pleasing you more than before. Today, I know what I wanna do but I don’t know what for. To be living for you is all I want to do. To be loving you, it’ll all be there when my dreams come true.”

TJ: Good on him for trying to get her help. She… very clearly needs it.

Steel: And he didn’t think about this until after all those attempts? I would be convinced that all the other driving tests Sponge Boob took with Mrs. Puff before this one have involved the two of them being in a drug-fueled getaway chase.

They raced down the alley at top speed; hitting various hobos all the while the cops were right on their tail.

Jjs: Even undersea, people have no sympathy for the homeless. The most realistic part of this tale.

OMJ: As Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner would say, “I AIN’T GOT SYMPY!”

JCM: This fanfic has been brought to you by Violence Against the Homeless™. Kicking people who are already down since 1925.

Fred: If the homeless make it to Heaven, would they still be considered “homeless”?

TJ: I love that the cops still haven’t caught up to them.

Steel: Last time I checked, the cops were ‘on their ass.’

They turned onto Main Street and approached an intersection. Ms. Puff was getting very cranky.

Jjs: Hurry up with that truckload of extra hit, Puff Mama is getting CRANKY!

OMJ: Main Street, USA? Watch out, Mickey *beep*!

"These cops are pissing me off," she said. So she turned around, lifted her shirt, and flashed the cops. At the sight of her boil encrusted tits, the passenger shot himself in the face and the driver went blind and smashed into a tarter sauce truck. It blew up in a spectacular explosion and was met with much applause from pedestrians.

Jjs: Those pedestrians really said ACAB!

JCM: This story is ahead of its time.

OMJ: Give it up now, fellow creatives. No action set piece will ever come close to this Tarantino/Bay-inspired masterclass.

Sponge Bob: “This is nothing like the porn I watched last night!”

Steel: Just an average day in Bikini Bottom.

O.k. Sponge Bitch, now that the cops are off of our ass, I need to get some more drugs." "No Ms. Puff your way high as it is."

OMJ: But she could be higher.

Sponge Bitch: “Yeah, I don’t want your way high! It’s my way high or the highway…high!”

Steel: To be fair, some painkillers would sound about good after having the police squad up their butts for that long.

Ms. Puff then said, "well, you have two options: I fail you again and shoot your spongy little dick off, or you get mommy some medicine and I let you live."

Jjs: For those who thought Mrs. Puff went off the deep end in Demolition Doofus, little did they know how dark she could truly get.

OMJ: Sponge Bob, Puff Mama’s gotta OD!

Sponge Bob headed back to the alley way. When they pulled in Ms. Puff made a strange whistling noise, and a man in a trench coat came out of the dark shadows.

Jjs: This sounds like the beginning of a creepypasta, so we made the right pick!

JCM: Or a Tim Burton movie.

Steel: One day, a man in a trenchcoat walked up to me in a garage sale holding a VHS tape labeled “Sponge Boob Triangle Dress” with hyper-realistic blood on the cover…

TJ: It’s just her supplier. But at this point, I’ll see what “6ft dick” comes up with.

Fred: Nice for the 6ft dick to insert himself into his own story.

The man asked, "What do you need?" Sponge Bob recognized that voice.

OMJ: The Merchant from Resident Evil 4? 

It was Mr. Crabs.

Jjs: Unfortunately due to difficulties with Viacom copyright, the 6ft Dick was unable to retain the rights for Mr. Krabs’ name and thus had to use the cheap knockoff “Mr. Crabs.” These recasts have gone too far!

OMJ: Ehh, close enough.

JCM: With all of these grammatical errors and misspellings he actually spells something right that shouldn’t be?

TJ: I just knew there’d be a twist! This story gets more riveting by the second!

Steel: Missed opportunity to name him Mr. Crack.

Sponge Bob shocked asked what Mr. Crabs was doing selling drugs. Mr. Crabs said "Think about it, I get MONEY!"

Jjs: 

OMJ: And in other news, the water you’re all living in is wet.

Fred: I have a feeling he’d make great friends with Mr. Krabs. Both of them seem to really love money. Even if it means resorting to dealing crack.

"Go fuckin figure," said Sponge Bob. Ms. Puff then bought her shit and Mr. Crabs vanished back into the shadows.

JCM: Bye buddy, hope you find your K.

OMJ: Let’s not kid ourselves here. He’s probably in that dark alleyway doing some very wholesome things with that money.

TJ: Studio couldn’t afford “Crabs” for more than a cameo. At least it was longer than Sandy’s.

Ms. Puff did her drugs and told Sponge Bob to drive away from Bikini Bottom.

Jjs: Maybe this time she starts a new life in Rock Bottom, which is appearing to be the most appropriate direction.

Steel: She’ll have to hope that their justice system isn’t as crooked as Bikini Bottom’s.

OMJ: I did hear that the big crackhead convention is going on.

While they were driving out of town Ms. Puffs buzz was starting to die, and she started to doze off. Sponge Bob had to take this opportunity to kill the fat bitch.

JCM: Love the unbiased narration.

Jjs: Wow, now the violence is rubbing off on SpongeBob! It’s a never ending cycle of abuse. Perhaps this is another message 6ft Dick wants us to take away.

OMJ: When in doubt, take ‘em out.

TJ: I mean, she’s apparently already ‘starting to die’, so this seems like–no pun intended–overkill.

Steel: She was already on the verge of succumbing from an overdose and Sponge Boob’s showing no hesitation towards killing his own teacher he wanted to sent to rehab earlier.

Quietly, he unbuckled her seatbelt, and then opened her door. With that he kicked the holy fuck out of her.

Jjs: Hey, I wanna do some kicking!

OMJ: Sounds like he’s been wanting to do that all his life.

JCM: Somebody’s about to fail his driving test again.

TJ: He probably stopped caring after the millionth time. At this point, taking the test is just how he gets his kicks. Literally.

Steel: So holy, King Neptune is looking down to witness the sheer force of Sponge Boob karate kicking his teacher off the boat.

She fell out of the boat with such a force she caused part of the road to crumble.

Jjs: 6ft Dick really has it out for fat people, if you couldn’t tell.

OMJ: Better to grab that low hanging fruit before the next fat ass does.

JCM: Bikini Bottom really needs to up their infrastructure spending.

She woke up startled and confused looked up and saw Sponge Bob drive off and give her the finger. "Oh no you don't, you yellow bitch," Ms. Puff screamed.

Jjs: If Puff wasn't cancelled already, she is now. 

OMJ: What curse will she think of next!

TJ: I thought she was dying. But considering her body is durable enough to break pavement, I shouldn’t be surprised.

She then took a huge breath of air and blew it out causing her to fly right back into the boat.

OMJ: I like to think she shouted “EXTRA CREDEEEEEEET!” while doing that.

Steel: In other words, she got back on the boat after snorting some more cocaine.

"If you ever try that shit on me again, so help me God I will eat and or shoot you. Now drive for another 20 miles or so than we'll get to my secret hideout.

JCM: Eat and or-shoot him? Nah! Eat andor, shoot him? Oh, my goodness! Look out, Andor!

Jjs:  “I will eat and or shoot you.” I like how she’s providing options for her victims at least. True girlboss power.

OMJ: That’s like 80 laps around my high school’s football field. How you gonna have him drive 80 whole laps around my high school football fucking field to get to your hideout?!

TJ: This is just her being reasonable.

Back in Bikini Bottom Squidward had his T.V. on and was watching the news. "Wait what's this?" asked Squidward. Breaking News, A fat man and a sponge

OMJ: I hate that I laughed silly at this. My humor’s as cracked as Ms. Puff.

JCM: SpongeBob’s escaping with Santa Claus now?

have killed two police in a high speed car chase and fled the scene.

Steel: And there was much rejoicing.

TJ: Just bad bitch tingz.

Jjs: That sounds like another average day in Bikini Bottom, not really “breaking news” worthy in my opinion.

OMJ: Oh, I’m just receiving word that, yes! SpongeBob SquarePants’ pants are, in fact, moreso rectangular!

Here is an aerial picture of the incident from earlier today. Squidward noticed that it was Sponge Bob, and the fat man was actually Ms.Puff. Squidward also noticed in the picture that Ms. Puff had a gun pointed at Sponge Bob. Squidward was shocked and upset.

Jjs: He’s probably shocked and upset that he’s not the one pointing it instead.

OMJ: Quite frankly, I’m shocked and upset that Squidward’s shocked and upset.

JCM: I’m shocked and upset about OMJ being shocked and upset about Squidward being shocked and upset.

How could this have happened, why did she have to take my love? Squidward began to cry. Squidward was actually in love with Sponge Bob but played hard to get.

Jjs: Don’t worry Squidward, we all knew.

OMJ: Yes, and would you care to further elaborate on how the events of “Naughty Nautical Neighbors” was all just a perfectly planned ruse to trick SpongeBob into agreeing to a lunch date at your house?

TJ: You know, this is the least surprising thing we’ve seen in this fanfic.

Steel: “Baka, after all those times that I’ve called him a pervert for looking up my nightshirt, I never got to tell him how I really felt. Now I’m going to lose senpai forever…” Squidward said, with sparkles in his eyes.

Squidward couldn't just sit around and do nothing he had to go out and save his man. He packed a bag with sex toys, got on his pink moped and drove off.

Jjs: 

OMJ: Did Squidward not get his license from Ms. Puff either?

Fred: Pink moped? Did he become a pizza delivery boy after Mr. Crabs(?) turned into a dealer?

JCM: Somebody has to deliver that Krusty Krab Pizza.

Steel: You know what they’d say, you can’t go on a journey without being horny.

20 miles out of Bikini Bottom, the boat pulled into the parking lot of a very run down bar. "Ms. Puff, where the fuck are we?" Sponge Bob asked. "This is the Busty Crab, my very own strip joint," Ms. Puff said.

Jjs: Fun fact: Busty Crab happens to be an unused variation from Bossy Boots that was cut for obvious reasons.

OMJ: Must do good bus(t)iness.

TJ: Yes, of course she owns a strip joint.

They walked in and saw Ariel the Little Mermaid topless. She was dancing around a pole and Nemo was in a back corner snorting a long line of coke. He suddenly OD'd and died.

Jjs: Eh, at least he won’t have to be in the inevitable live-action remake now.

OMJ: I was thinking maybe they might just let Main Street slide, but this is definite grounds for a lawsuit courtesy of the House of Mouse.

TJ: Considering The Little Mermaid’s live action release soon, what a wonderful time to be riffing this little gem.

JCM: Hope Marlin and his friends don’t have to spend an hour and a half finding Nemo again, cause they aren’t gonna like what they find.

Steel: They also saw a bunch of Snorks in the back getting stoned. Hey, if this is a crossover now, I may as well add to it.

Sponge Bob and Ms. Puff headed to her back office where nobody could bother them.

OMJ: Whoa red flags ahoy!

TJ: Careful, Sponge Bob, who knows what else this version of Puff is capable of.

"Ms. Puff," said Sponge Bob, "I really have to ask: why did you kidnap me?" "Well, you see Sponge Bob; you are the most annoying fucker in Bikini Bottom.

Jjs: They don’t have National No SpongeBob Day for nothing!

OMJ: He better have an award for that somewhere in that self-circlejerk trophy room of his.

You really pissed me off sending me off to the hospital, jail, and other hell holes.

Jjs: I wouldn’t rule out Mrs. Puff having literally gone to hell at some point during the other 1,752,940,325,476 attempts.

OMJ: Having to work at the Krusty Krab in “Summer Job” must’ve been the worst. And that episode didn’t even exist when this came out.

TJ: This has all been an elaborate plan to get revenge on him? Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me either.

So I figured why not kidnap, rape, and then kill you?" Sponge Bob was not really listening but was staring directly into Aerial's topless body.

Jjs: Where did Ariel go? Once again, these recasts are getting out of hand!

OMJ: I’m just imagining Sponge Bob making fuck me eyes toward a box of aerial fireworks or something. People where I live sure must do that a lot.

Fred: I’m guessing Aerial is supposed to be the name of “The Little Kamikaze Pilot."

JCM: They couldn’t afford to use Ariel anymore so they used the version of her from The Little Mermaid’s Soviet ripoff The Diminutive Swimmer.

Steel: Boy would Squidward be in for a huge upset to realize his crush already had a type for topless red-haired mermaids.

"You know Sponge Bob," said Ms. Puff, "I think I'll go ahead and rape you now." Sponge Bob cringed at the thought of Ms. Puff having her way with him.

Jjs: Confirmation SpongeBob isn’t into milfs.

JCM: Puff definitely ain’t a mama I’d want to fuck.

OMJ: 

Just then Squidward bust through the door. "No one gets to rape Sponge Bob but me," he yelled.

Jjs: That probably sounded more heroic in his head than out loud.

OMJ: I didn’t count on this just yet when posting that pic.

TJ: Oh, yes, how romantic.

Steel: Twisted minds think alike.

"But how did you find us," yelled Ms. Puff.

JCM: Since there isn’t a question mark here I can only assume Ms. Puff yelled that as monotone as possible.

"This is the most secretive place in the deep blue sea!"

OMJ: If you’re trying to run a strip joint that no average Joe can find, then what’s even the point man.

Steel: Little did Mrs. Puff know that Squidward just so happened to be a Busty Crab regular.

Squidward laughed and said, "Well it's a funny story actually. One night Sponge Bob was sleeping so I broke into his house stole a few things, and then I planted a tracking device in his ass. Not with tentacles of course."

JCM: at least he didnt do it with tentacles

Jjs: This is one plot detail I’m kinda curious to hear elaborated on. How did he plant a tracking device in SpongeBob’s ass without using any tentacles?

OMJ: Avid hentai viewers are stumped, stumped I say!

Sponge Bob: Now THIS is more like the porn I watched last night.

Steel: I guess it’s no wonder now the police were ‘on his ass.’

After he said that he just had a big smile on his face. "Well," said Ms. Puff, "I only planned on killing one person tonight, but I guess I can make an exception for you." Ms.Puff pulled out a gun and started opening fire.

Jjs: With shooting skills that put John Wick to shame, I’m sure.

Ms. Puff: So anyway, I started blasting.

Steel: And of course, Sponge Boob continued staring at Ariel’s breasts while this was going on.

Unfortunately for Ms.Puff, Squid boy had eight legs that could propel him faster than she expected.

JCM: Is Squid boy a new character?

OMJ: That sure was convenient!

Fred: He’s so badass, he downgraded from being a Squidward to a Squid boy.

Steel: With his life on the line, Squidward turned himself into his super alter-ego, Squid Boy!

The next thing Ms. Puff knew Squidward was right behind her. She turned around and was going to shoot but she was too slow. Squidward took one of the dildos from his bag and hit her over the head with it. "Come on, Sponge Bob. We have to get out of here fast; she is unconscious but not dead."

Jjs: That’s some dildo if it can knock a person unconscious. Perhaps a commentary on how sexual desires overpower drug addictions?

OMJ: A REAL dildo would be enough to kill a person.

TJ: Well, we’ve established that Puff is clearly super powered in this reality.

Sponge Bob and Squidward jumped on the moped and floored it. Seeing as how it was a moped it only traveled at a top speed of 10 m.p.h.

Jjs: 

OMJ: That’s just sloppy research.

JCM: Biking gangs everywhere finna descend on whoever wrote this.

About a mile outside of Bikini Bottom Squidward looked in his rearview mirror only to see Ms.Puff's boat catching up quickly.

Steel: Jesus, nothing can stop Mrs. Puff.

Squidward now had to think quickly of a way for them to arrive in Bikini Bottom faster.

OMJ: Bikini Bottom would know what to do in situations like this!

Steel: Just throw another dildo.

But it was too late. Ms. Puff had caught up to them and was about to open fire. Suddenly Squidward had an idea, he quickly made a weird whistling noise and Mr. Crabs came out of nowhere.

Jjs: So if any of us makes this mysterious whistling sound, Mr. Crabs will pop out of nowhere and hook us up with anything we need? I’d try but alas, my whistling skills aren’t quite up to par.

OMJ: I feel like just dropping a penny on the road would’ve been enough to get his attention.

TJ: Oh okay, so there was enough budget left for him to appear again.

Fred: So making a weird whistling noise gets this guy to come to you faster than calling 911?

Steel: Why have a dogwhistle when you could use a crabwhistle?

"What do you need," asked Mr. Crabs. "I'll pay you $1000 if you kill that psycho bitch," yelled Squidward.

Mr. Crabs: Joke’s on ye, I would’ve done it fer $10.

JCM: Joke’s on me, I would have paid him to do it.

Mr. Crabs quickly pulled out a gun and did some weird Matrix shit on Ms. Puff.

Jjs: According to some sources, 6ft Dick couldn’t quite elaborate on what “weird Matrix shit” he was referring to out of lawsuit fears.

OMJ: Cue the SNAP MY PICTURE

Fred: So what I’m getting from this is that Mr. Crabs is a businessman….and a drug dealer….and a hitman. Fuck selling burgers, Mr. Crabs should open up a “Deus ex Machina” shop.

Steel: He should call it the Deus Krabs Machina.”

The ordeal was over; Ms.Puff's reign of terror was now over.

OMJ: Ahhhh, the deed is done

TJ: So after all that, only the Matrix-inspired heroics of Mr. Crabs could put her down? Anticlimactic, if you ask me.

JCM: Ladies and gentlemen, our long national puffmare is over.

"Now," said Mr. Crabs, "About that $1000 pay up now." "But Mr. Crabs," said Squidward, "I don't have the money with me right now." "Sorry I only take money up-front," said Mr. Crabs. He then shot Squidward right in the face.

Jjs: Many might be uncomfortable by the Squidward abuse on display, but personally I believe it’s a powerful symbol showing the tragedy of what happens when people don’t mind their own business. Remember: Don’t be a Squidward if you get into the game.

OMJ: It’s Always Sunny theme intensifies

Fred: Wait, couldn’t you just ask him for the money beforehand instead of promptly killing him on the sp–no wait that requires thinking.

Sponge Bob made his queer laughing noise and said, "Gee Mr. Crabs how unfortunate for him huh?" Mr. Crabs shot Sponge Bob in the face until he ran out of ammunition and said, "Annoying little fucker a gah gah gah gah."

OMJ: “Ar ar ar ar ar!”

TJ: So everyone dies in the end? Gotcha.

Fred: So everyone in this story is a dick? Gotcha.

Steel: Aw, I got ‘dead’ again! This game stinks!

The End

TJ: Couldn’t have come soon enough. I don’t even think I wanna know what 6ft Dick had planned for a sequel.

OMJ: As the leading authority of all things mature in SpongeBob fanfiction here on SBC, I can say with the utmost of certainty that “Spooge Boob Triangle Dress” is indeed geared towards more mature audiences. Admittedly, I never knew this existed until these riffs, but today, game recognizes game. Enjoy infamy, Spooge Boob Triangle Dress.

Jjs: Very ballsy choice to kill off the main character here, it was certainly experimental, dark and unprecedented for its time. Would Mr. Crabs have taken the role of Bikini Bottom’s new drug lord menace? 6 ft Dick raised a lot of interesting follow-up possibilities with this ending, but alas, he never saw any continuation through. While he wrote a few "trollfics" for other cartoons afterward, such as Rocket Power and Fairly OddParents, none of them could recapture the success or notoriety of Spooge Boob. He's faded away into obscurity, lurking deep in the alley shadow like Mr. Crabs. It’s understandable he’d be reduced to another one-hit wonder in the wide world of fanfiction because really, how could you top this?

In spite of the story’s crass nature, I do think it raised some interesting socio-political commentary on the effects cocaine has on sea life and how we treat homeless people. Even the dark turn for Mrs. Puff’s character could be construed as commentary on how society treats its teachers, meaning anyone could end up in her position. Underneath that batshit insane writing, he had more to say about society than we think. The only thing I can’t quite understand is how a “Triangle Dress” was relevant to the story, but oh well, some metaphors are best left up to interpretation.

We’re not quite done with nutty drug shenanigans yet, because our next tale is from the iconic hotspot of drugs in television: Albuquerque. You’re goddamn right a Breaking Bad fic is next!

Fred: Well, that was the greatest episode of SpongeBob: Adult Party Cartoon I’ve ever seen. Maybe John K. could hire this guy. Thanks for having me, guys, and I’ll see you on my next riff!

JCM: I appreciated this fanfic’s attempts at capturing the “so bad it’s good” nature of stories like My Immortal, but the strange combination of R-rated subject matter and second-grade writing ability got old after a while. On to the next!

Steel: So that was Sponge Boob Triangle Dress, with no mention of triangle dresses, but it was one big acid trip of a story regardless, but I’d say the same about The 6ft Dick’s stories in general. Yep, I’m familiar with the guy’s craft long before I got to revisit this one in particular, and the author themselves said it best that their bizarre and off-the-rails drabbles aren’t meant to be taken seriously. The 6ft Dick, as far as I’m concerned, was pretty much a gold standard when it came to writing stories to generate shock value and for the trollz, but while I’ve long grown past their whole gimmick, this fic in particular was quite a ride after having not read it in so long. It’s no masterpiece in terms of troll writing like Half-Life Full-Life Consequences or the works of Peter Chimaera, but it was still entertaining regardless.

Happy 10 years, riffing theater!

[WhoBibbles]

I can totally tell this inspired post-movie writers to do Demotion Doofus but those damn nick execs made it tame in comparison

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode II: Aliens Attack

Spoiler

Jjs: For our second tale, we’ll be taking a look at a unique spin on the Breaking Bad mythos. A show that needs no introduction, becoming one of the most memed and discussed pieces of media on SBC. (and I guess the rest of the internet too but we matter most) The literal Jjs Goodman not having a Breaking Bad tale in this theater would be a crime as bad as selling meth. The wait for Breaking Bad’s final half of Season 5 was a rough one for many fans, so some took it upon themselves to meticulously theorize their own ways on how the ending would play out. One particular user known as "manbat" had the bizarre idea to mix Breaking Bad with…aliens. Sure, why not? He posted “Aliens Attack” to fanfiction.net on February 23rd, 2013. The story even caught the eye of creator Vince Gilligan himself:

Aliens Attack received rather polarizing reception on initial release, with feedback ranging from “hilarious” to “jesus christ marie” to “a piece of shit.” Many criticisms were aimed at its borderline incomprehensible spelling but as the author will note, this was allegedly his first time writing a story so you can cut him some slack. Similarly to Spooge Boob, several viewed this as a mere trollfic to mock, but manbat scoffed at these naysayers because he had larger ambitions. He hoped Vince Gilligan and crew would legitimately use this idea for the last season of Breaking Bad, he believed in this vision. Would this have been a better direction for the story? Let’s find out. Also spoiler warning if you haven't seen Breaking Bad.

ARTHURS NOTE: rite my first fic so telling me how you like it

Jjs: Rite on Scoob!

TJ: If this note is any indication, I’m sure it’ll be a doozy, man!

Wumbo: They say the first Breaking Bad fanfic is a write of passage.

Ex: ARTHURS NOTE: Hey, D.W.!

JCM: rong your first fic is spelling how i dislike it

Walter White was in outside to rake leafs to make the frunt yard less convert in leafs.

Jjs: Silly me, and here I thought he was raking the leaves for the next stage of his meth empire!

TJ: Yes, yes, raking leaves. That’s just what he wants you to think.

JCM: I ain’t smokin’ that.

Everything have been peaceful since Gus was dye from poisin.

Jjs: Objection, that’s not how Gus died! This has become one of the most controversial parts of the story, with Breaking Bad fans accusing manbat of not being a true fan for getting the lore wrong. We’re tough critics.

TJ: Aw nahhh, Gus’ death was too epic to be disrespected like this!

Faye: Was he tie dyed? Must’ve been a deleted scene or something.

He selled some of the blue stuff on the side to make ends meat

Wumbo: I’ll make Walter White’s end meat if you know what I mean. Please tell me if you do, because I have no idea.

Ex: Ah yes, ends meat, the way grandma used to make it. Heavy on the blue stuff.

Faye: Medium rare please.

JCM: Why does my meat have blue stuff? Waiter!

and his cancer was go into remission even more. He looked up and seed a thing off on the horizon.

Jjs: Is Walt a gardener in this canon or are we meaning another type of “seed?”

Wumbo: I.F.T.

"What is that thing in the sky even doesing there?" he wondered and stroaked his goatee.

Jjs: A Breaking Bad fic is woefully incomplete without mentioning Walt’s goatee, so I’m glad manbat had the right attention to detail for that.

JCM: Glad he avoided what could have been a more disastrous misspelling here.

He squinted his eyes so he could see more of it and realized it was aallen spaceship from outer space. It was going real fastly, when suddenly it crash out of the sky.

Jjs:

TJ: I mean, clearly Walt’s product is so good that he even has aliens dropping by for a hit.

Ex: Oh fuck, an aallen ship… currently taking bets on whether it’s Tim or Woody!

Then he runs forwards to investigating the crash sight. Before he got to where the allen space ship crash happened he saw two allen peoplecome out from the rubble.

Jjs: Are they aliens, “allens” or people?

Wumbo: Clearly just enthusiasts for Allen’s apple juice.

Ex: ...The answer was both, I guess.

Faye: I want an allen alien remake of the Santa Clause please.

Walter White got afraid and ran back to where his house was.

Jjs: Some readers felt this was out of character for Walt at this stage, but to be fair, facing aliens and drug dealers are two very different beasts.

TJ: Oh come on, the big bad Heisenberg is afraid of some intergalactic drug buyers?

JCM: He got scared and told Junior that he’s moving with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

Walter White diled 911 but then he screams "NO WHAT IF KNOW IM DRUG DEAL" and putted the phone down.

Jjs: Given how long it took for Hank to figure it out despite the glaring red flags, I doubt 911 would be anymore competent.

TJ: So if he’d already dialed, I wonder if they heard him admit to being a drug dealer. Questions of the hour.

Wumbo: THEN WHO WAS PHONE??

Ex: This is a word-for-word excerpt from the show itself, and you thought I wouldn’t notice.

Faye: This is Walter post Crawl Space, so you know this fits rather well I think. Rumor has it this was gonna be his original “Say my Name” moment.

"I knead to go get a drink at the bar

Wumbo: Thanks Bart, I really kneaded that today.

Faye: Walter expanding his money laundering into a brewery? Nice touch.

so I can cool my heads after what I seed" Walter said to the room.

Jjs: We get it already, Walt wants to fuck the allens aliens!

Therapist: Are the aliens in the room with you, Walt?

JCM: Put your seed away, Waltuh, nobody wants to seed it.

Wumbo: Walter White needs to cool both his heads if you know what I mean. No, seriously, help me out here.

Walter White With 3 Heads: Jesse we/need to/cook now.

So he got in the 1998 Mustang he got from Mike as a piece offereing.

Wumbo: Kid Named Finger gave him auto parts??

Faye: Mike really turned a new leaf after what Walter pulled I suppose, but knowing Mike there’s a bug in there or something.

And then he drived to where the bar was also.

Jjs: And next he drove the car into the bar, killing several civilians also.

Ex: This is a subtle reference to when he said he kneaded a drink earlier to cool his heads.

Faye: Ah yes, the classic Breaking Bad location, THE bar.

Walter White is drinking brandy and thinking about what he just saw when he was raking leaf.

Wumbo: Like this?

JCM: More like what happens to every Toronto Maple Leaf in the hockey playoffs.

"Maybe its just a hallusinashun from all the meth Ive been doing,but wait, I dont actually do meth I just sell it"

Jjs: Don’t lie to us Walt, we know you took at least a few hits on the side.

TJ: Could’ve been a bad twinkie, no?

Ex: Stunning act 2 plot revelation here. How do we top this?

Faye: Walter, I think you’re already drunk and this would explain quite a lot.

Walter White is thinking as he sees the door open. Tony Soprano was enters the room and locks eyes with the Walter White.

Jjs: What is this, a crossover episode!?

JCM: If we get Tony/Walt slash I’m outta here.

TJ: Uh oh, looks like I’m gonna have to binge through the insanity of The Sopranos next.

Ex: Oh of course, how could I be so naive?

Walter White look away and finishes his drink so he can go back to where his house is.

Jjs: Due to James Gandolfini’s pay being rather high, manbat was sadly unable to use Tony Soprano for long.

TJ: The CGI for the alien crash landing took up all the budget, for sure.

Faye: What’s next, Bill Hader five years before he becomes Barry?

Walter White said hi to his son Walter White Jr. when he got back in the house where he lives and then Walter White Jr. said hi to.

JCM: Hi to whom? You can’t leave me hanging like this!

Jjs: Where’s my breakfast, dad?

Wumbo: Thrilling dialogue. Mauve they’ll pepper in a “how’s it goin’?” or “what’s shakin’, my man?” next!

Faye: This is completely inaccurate to the show without any mention of breakfast by Walter Jr. Easily the most glaring mistake so far.

Walter White Jr. was become the head of the car tell since all the Mexicans died in Season 4

Jjs: From what I’m interpreting here, all of Mexico apparently died in Salud, not just the cartel. Gus was one cruel bastard.

Ex: I’m not sure that’s what happened.

Wumbo: I’m going to do a “car tell” on Mike for giving Walter disparate auto parts as a piece offering.

Faye: I forgot about the genocide episode but every show has a plot hole or two I suppose.

and they needing a new walks in the room and asks "Did you hear about the allens?" and then Walter White said "Yes I saw what they were crash landed out in the desert" Walter White Jr. said "I heard everyone stoped buying are meth because they want to get goo from the allens now"

Jjs: It better be blue goo or I’m suing manbat for everything he owns.

TJ: Wow, it took them less time than Walt to become acclaimed drug lords. You can’t tell me Heisenberg isn’t foaming at the mouth.

Ex: This isn’t even a riff, I’ve tried to read this paragraph over and over and it’s still just as perplexing.

Faye: It’s been like two hours, what the fuck.

and then Walter White said "Is that trueson? I will have to does negotiating with those allens" and you can here the questionning is his voise.

TJ: So now he run to dee allens. Right?

Wumbo: Thanks for clarifying that we could hear the questioning in his voice. Now as for all the OTHER questions I have…

JCM: I’ve read this entire sentence (is it a sentence? idek at this point) multiple times and I just don’t know what to say. I could smoke a pound of Walt’s blue meth and I don’t think it could kill as many brain cells as that “sentence” just did.

So Walter White went to the allens headquarters which is at the junkyard where he make the drug deal with Tuco in Season 1.

Jjs: As seen in A No-Rough-Stuff-Type Deal!

TJ: Aw man, I didn’t get to see this part in that PopCorners Super Bowl ad!

Ex: Shameless fanservice. Everyone knows the Allens’ headquarters is Bogdan’s eyebrows.

Faye: Time for Tuco to reveal himself as being alive in the ultimate fanservice plot twist!

Walter White goed to the leader of the allens and said "Allens. I can make the most kemmically pure goo you will ever find. Let me produceits for you. But then only under one condition. That you let Jesse help me manyufacshure the stuff" and then the allens said "ok" and showed him his lab area.

Jjs: Walt’s negotiation skills are so damn good they transcend the planet.

Wumbo: And decent spelling.

TJ: They must’ve heard of his reputation. They’re not gonna say no to big bad Heisenberg.

Ex: Um, when did Walter Hartwell White learn how to make kemmically pure goo? *DING*

Faye: I guess they heard how he tie dyed Gus to death and they didn’t wanna get stained like that.

Jesse was like "Yo Mr. White were make fat stacks of chedder from this new porductyo" and then Breaking Bad said "I think so my son"

Jjs: Breaking Bad has become a literal character now, I must have blinked and missed the introduction.

Wumbo: Vince Gilligan self-insert as God/the show itself.

Ex: Finally, Breaking Bad himself, the REAL hero of the story is here! I hope he calls up his friends, like Metroid and Halo.

Faye: Breaking Bad has officially transcended into existence, let's hope he knows what to do about these aliens.

JCM: Porductyo sounds delicious. And it sounds like it would be even better with cheddar.

because Walter White was adopt Jesse after season 4 happened so hes his son now.

Jjs: But I thought Jr. was his “trueson”, I don’t like being gaslit like this.

Wumbo: Trueson? More like treason.

TJ: This is the only piece of information I accept as canon from this story. You can pack it up now, manbat.

Walter White and Jesse Pinkson

Jjs: These recasts keep getting out of hand, mang.

Ex: I have to break character to say that this actually got an ugly chortle out of me.

JCM: I’m going to stay in character and say this had me on the floor laughing.

went underground to where the lab was to make goo. They mixed the right kemmicalstogehter

Jjs: This “kemmicalstogehter” sounds like powerful stuff.

TJ: Oh, cool, the aliens have already taught them some of their native language.

and pretty soon they has what the allens are tryeingot make all this tiem.

Wumbo: You know, as the sanctioned voice of Breaking Bad fanfics, would it kill you to hire an editor?

JCM: He did hire an editor, but after reading this mess, the editor promptly quit.

Meanwhile HuankShraideris run a investigation to find out whosmakeing the goo.

Jjs: HuankShraideris happens to be Hank’s unseen distant cousin. Need a spin-off on him pronto!

TJ: Unseen distant cousin who’s half alien. Obvs.

Ex: I tried to say “HuankShraideris” out loud and all of my furniture started floating.

Hank works for CIA now becuase is earned an promotion. Hes now Special Elite NarcoticksInvestigaiter Agent.

Jjs: My name is Special Elite NarcoticksInvestigaiter Agent…and you can go fuck yourself.

JCM: If he keeps at it he’ll have a shot at being a Super Duper Special Elite NarcoticksInvestigaiter Agent of Awesomeness!

Hank fallows Walter White to work one day and founds out that he is work for the allens. "I new it to be true…" because all long he was trying to helps Walter White but knoweing he is drug

Jjs: Now Walt’s become the meth. Damn, manbat is going off with this full circle symbolism!

TJ: I’m surprised he put that together so fast. His track record isn’t great.

Faye: Wow, store brand Hank didn’t even need to go to the bathroom to figure this one out. How efficient.

JCM: Walter White is Drug Funnie? Talk about a twist!

get angry at Walter White for bloweing there cover because Hank found out. Then one day allens take Walter White and Jesse Pinkson into desert. "Why are you doing to us?"

Jjs: My guess is they want to know what happened to Jesse Pinkman and why there’s a store brand knock-off in his place.

Walter White trys to ask but then theres duct tape on his mouth so he cant. Then allens use telaputhy to figure out what Walter White is saying and "Because your brother is CIA and we don't like to"

Jjs: It’s okay, we humans don’t like ‘em either.

TJ: Valid.

Ex: This motivation will go down in history and rival other great villains’ driving forces, such as Ozymandias’ and David Zaslav’s.

Faye: Manbat, you’re gonna have to write a sequel/prequel about how Hank went from being Walt’s brother-in-law to his true blue brother. I imagine it’s gonna be absolutely tear jerking.

Walter White said "Allens. You cant kill me. You need me" and then the allens said "no"

Jjs: I like how blunt and to the point these aliens are, an intriguing subversion of what we usually expect out of aliens in the media.

TJ: I mean, they were doing just fine before hiring you, and that was all in about one day. I don’t know, time passage in this story is super unclear.

Faye: These aliens are all business, I like it.

and then Walter White said "do whatever you want to Jesse juts DOESNT HURT MY FAMILIES"

JCM: poor jesse juts

Jjs: So much for adopting Jesse as your new “trueson”, asshole! Gotta give credit to manbat for absolutely nailing the characterization here.

TJ: Walt Jr.'s (or Flynn. or Breakfast Boy) back in the running, I see.

Wumbo: HE CANT KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS

Ex: how can he do this to his Pinkson...

Faye: In fairness, this is pretty much what he does to Jesse anyways just with aliens now.

Walter Whites look at one of the allens in the face and see he is whereing crutches like his son has and wonders "Why does that allenuseing my son crutches and then the allen takes off his mask and ITS WALTER WHITE JR!

Jjs: Holy shit, Vince himself couldn’t have pulled off a more powerful twist! Bravo!

TJ: Oh, oh, ohhh. I did NOT see that one coming! I see now why Vince asked him to write the last season of Saul.

Wumbo: Are crutches really something you “wear”? Or “where”, I guess?

Ex: I thought for sure this was gonna be a Martha moment. Color me surprised.

Faye: I unironically laughed so hard reading that. I guess being so willing to run the cartel was some pretty nice foreshadowing.

"I has never feel so betray…" Walter White sayed to allen that is Walter White Jr.

Jjs: I’m fed up with this world!

Wumbo: YEW AH TEARING ME APAHT, FLYNN!

TJ: How fitting, though. Walt Jr. becomes a better drug lord than his father. It’s too Shakespearean to look away!

JCM: son i am betray and disappoint

Walter White Jr. sayed to Walter White "Walter White they made me an otter i coodnt refuse.

Jjs: Damn, that must have been some otter to convert you to otherworldly drug dealing. Wonder what kind it was.

TJ: I just know they promised him a life supply of cereal.

Wumbo: Doesn’t take much for him to convert to the otter side, does it?

Ex: I’m begging you to show me the otter.

Otter: ARRT ARRT (We offered pancakes)

JCM: Make him some PB&J with that Otter and you’ve got yourself a forgettable Disney Junior show!

Just like when in Season 4 Gus telling you that has to make some cristal or else kill babys."

Wumbo: Yeah, I think that’s how that went.

And then Walter White Jr. throwed off his crutches and "All this time I wasent evan need these….It was trick!" and then Walter White shed tear for the betraying.

Jjs:

This intensity and emotional betrayal puts Ozymandias to shame!

TJ: EMMY AWARD. NOW!

Ex: WALT JR. BOSS FIGHT PHASE 2.

Faye: 

Really such a stunning development!

The leeder

Patrick: leeder leeder leeder

of the allen was take Walter White into there spaceship and leaf him there for a few munts so they can corner the goo market

Jjs: Ah ha, so that’s why he was raking leaves in the opening! Brilliant foreshadowing!

Wumbo: I wish this fanfic would leaf me alone.

and thats how come has beard at the begging of Season 5.

Jjs: As seen in Live Free or Die!

Wumbo: I guess goatees aren’t real beards, then.

Faye: Because of course!

JCM: but who was phone???

Ex: I unironically love how much of the canon material this fic tries to tie into and explain.

Allen leeder sayed "Go a head and lock Jesse up to becuase he knowing the formula to BUT MAKING SURE IS IN DIFRENT PART OF SPACESHIP BECAUSE DOESNT WANT THEM TEEMING UP OR ANYTHING OK"

Jjs: Allen Leeder’s rather abrupt shift from quiet to LOUD IS SUSPECTED BY SOME TO BE A SOUND MALFUNCTION.

TJ: This allen leader’s got the right ideas. Let him cook.

So the allens did what he tels but then Jesse got away.

TJ: That feels so true to character, honestly.

The allens runned a sucsessfil goo empire because they can yoos

Wumbo: Okay, you HAVE to know that’s not how “use” is spelled. Unless you’re Joe Pesci referring to a group of people in the second person.

JCM: Or unless y’all are in Philly and that's how y’all say “y’all."

spaceships to transport all the raw ingredients they needed from Madrigull more fastly and passing the savings on to there customers and make a lots of allendollars witch are like people dollars accept they have allen presidents on them instead of American presidents.

Jjs: 

Wumbo: “Allen greetings to you.”

Meanwhile Hank is in inside his office tried to build case agaynst Walter White so he can putting him behind prisen.

Jjs: Hank confirmed homophobic.

TJ: I’m sure like anything Hank does, there’ll be no results.

Ex: Man what an opp, Hank found out there were allens, and he’s STILL on Walt’s ass. With friends like these...

Faye: You already caught him I thought, buddy.

But Walter White dissapeard so doesnt know wear to look for clues so goes to Skylers house and startimng to questionning Skyler "When was the last time you seed your husand"

JCM: pretty sure the husband is supposed to seed the wife but ok

Jjs: Manbat had quite the fixation for seeding in this story, to say the least. Many onlookers interpret it as a metaphor for the carefully constructed plotting of Breaking Bad, others argue it’s a sex joke, and others argue it’s a simple typo. You decide.

Wumbo: “I could tell you about the last time Ted seeded me if you like.”

and then Skyler "The allens taked him and thats how come he doesnt here any longer"

TJ: And they communicated all this to her with their telepathy, clearly.

Hank pase the allens a visit to figure out wear they put Walter. Meanwhile Walter is in the spaceship with all the blinkly lites inside becasue from the fyoochur.

Jjs: This “Fyoochur” sounds like one cool dealer.

JCM: F you, Chur!

Walter White is trying to build a telefone out of pieces of scrap that he is found in the scapeship because hes good at build stuff with spare parts like when he escaped the dessert

Wumbo: If he doesn’t want his dessert, then can I have it?

by build knewbattery for the RV because hes pashanut about science.

Jjs: As seen in 4 Days Out!

TJ: Yes, yes, we all loved that episode.

Ex: The scrap section of an allen spaceship is actually just Home Depot, but they underestimated Walter’s pashan about science and didn’t think he could prevail. LOVE WINS!

JCM: Pashanuts are my favorite nuts.

Walter gets signal and then he tries to call Mike at first but then rememmebs that he shot him

Jjs: I’m not having phone sex with you right now, Waltuh.

Wumbo: Shut the fuk up… and let me dy in piece.

Faye: After he gave you a car too!? This confirms the car was bugged.

so he just calls Jesse instead. "Yo dad whatsup. Where you been all this time" and then Walter "Jesse the allens took me. Lissen you need to help me get out of hear. Creating some sort of divershun so I can brake free!" so Jesse blowed up the allens mane base.

Jjs: Although it’s left vague, I like to assume he used the signature chili powder for this cockamamy scheme. Would’ve been a nice way to bring everything full circle.

Ex: THIS YO… ISN’T CHILI P, BITCH!

TJ: It boggles my mind that he asked where he’s been all this time. Certainly, not, you know, still held up with the intergalactic drug lords.

Wumbo: Hell of a diversion. Don’t ask him to plan a surprise party, he’ll probably blow up your house.

(If you seed the first episode of Season 5 you can skip this part)

JCM: I’m not seeding anyone until marriage, thank you very much.

Jjs: I didn’t plant my seed into the first episode of Season 5 but thanks for the warning to those who did.

Wumbo: I fucked Te… Season 5.

Ex: And miss out on all of your hard work? Manbat, I’m no fool. We’re finishing this academic piece of work.

Faye: Too late, gotta see how this masterpiece ends.

Walter White walked out of the spaceship but Hank sees him so he has to run so he gets in the car and goes to Dennys for breakfast and also its his birthday.

Wumbo: Denny, do you have something else to do?

Walter White takes the bacon and makes it say 52 because thats how old he terned oday. He gives waitruss 100 dollars in people dollars and then a gun salesman gives him a machine gun to yoos against the allens for when theyre come after him.

Jjs: One machine gun to take on aliens with highly advanced technology. I know Walt is a self-proclaimed genius but I don’t know if the math works out there.

TJ: Idea for my 52nd birthday: fight some aliens.

Faye: The aliens are so prevalent we have to clarify the type of currency used, but still no one could find Walter for this long!? Manbat, I think you’re starting to run out of steam.

JCM: Bacon costs 100 people dollars now? Inflation has gone too far!

Walter White goes back to his house and says "Honey Im home" to Skyler and then they start berricading there house agaynst the allens that are coming soonly.

Jjs: The house is homophobic too?

TJ: “Honey, I’m home” so casually, as if he hadn’t been held prisoner by aliens, including their son disguised as one for some reason.

Wumbo: Fellas, we’ve all been there, am I right?

Walter White puts landmines out on the frunt yard and then Walter White cooks a batch of exploding meth to yoos agaynst allens like he yoosed agaynst Tuco.

Jjs: You got one part of that wrong. That…was not meth.

TJ: At this point, I don’t think he cares about butchering established canon for his AU.

JCM: What if this is the canon and we’ve been lied to this entire time??

"Jesse we need your help!" he says to the telefone that he builded. Jesse was arrive just as the first wave of allens started to attacking. But then it terned out that instead of allens it was DEA led by Hank Schraider! "Come on out with your hands on you hand!

Jjs: You'll have a tough time getting the cuffs on if he positions his hands like that.

Faye: I thought he was in the CIA now? Unless he’s doing double duty, which didn’t really work well for him the last time he tried it.

You have the rite to remain silent! Anything sayed agaynst you will be yoosed in court" and then one of the mines blew up his cop buddies and Hank got mad.

Jjs: I’m assuming that was Gomey.

TJ: ^ Yes, so how could he be homophobic? His bitch was gay.

Ex: To be fair, I also get mad when my friends are blown apart in front of me.

"Walter White its time for you to anser for what you did!" and then Walter White said "no"

JCM: Is Walter White an allen now?

Hank: “Okay, fair enough then.”

Ex: Oh Hank, searching for answers is a fool’s errand.

Haunk: Pack it up boys, this case is closed.

and then allens came out of the sky and started blasting lasers and Walter Jr. was with them! Hank did backflips

Wumbo: How is this the most unbelievable part of the story thus far

JCM: Still plenty of time to go

Faye: I’d like to imagine he went all Matrix and slowed time down to do this too.

Jjs: Sources say it took 420 attempts for Dean Norris to nail that backflip action.

TJ: The on-set injuries must’ve been legendary.

and doged a laser and then starting fireing bullits and got one of them.

Wumbo: Just leave the dogs out of it, please.

The seige of Walter White's house last for 2 days.

Jjs: These aliens don’t know how to blow up a house in 2 days? I question how advanced they are.

Wumbo: It took them three days to make that potato salad!

Ex: Please tell me Dean Norris was doing backflips for the entire 48 hours.

Faye: I guess Walter used his brief time to build an alien defense system, just like when he fixed the rot in the walls in S2.

JCM: This may be the most poorly written history textbook ever.

After a lot of battling happend Walter White says "Jesse we need to negotiate piece.

Wumbo: Why don’t you offer them parts of your car?

Jesse: (pulls out gun) Negotiate this piece, bitch!

Go talking to Hank and allen leeder!" so Jesse goed outside but was afrade because there was still lasers being shot everywhere.

Jjs: Jesse ain’t high enough for this.

TJ: Jesse might be too high. We all know he’s of no use when he’s too high.

Ex: Nah, I’m with Jesse here. Why don’t YOU walk a mile in his shoes, dodging lasers in your adoptive dad’s front yard while your uncle does cartwheels all over the place?

"Yo Mr. Shradier lets stop the fitting!" and then Hank sayed "Jesse dident you know that Walter White was try and poisen the Mexican kid?"

Walter: And I oop-

Jjs: His name’s Brock.

and then Jesse was madly so he joined forces with the DEA to take down Walter.

Jjs: Literally the only element our soothsayer somewhat accurately predicted for 5B. You know what they say: if you throw enough shit at the wall, something sticks!

TJ: Interesting. Well, a broken clock is right twice a day. What else ya got, manbat?

Ex: Wait yeah this actually happened, what the fuck.

Faye: Of all the things this man got right, it was this. Shocking, I know.

Then Walter got mad for being betray to times so he blowed up all his meth to create a diversion and derived into the sunset to start a knew liyfe.

Jjs: Is Knew Liyfe his own original drug? Would’ve been interested to see how this business played out.

JCM: What if the Breaking Bad finale was the Dexter finale? There you go!

Meanwhile Skyler goed into witness protecshun and Walter Jr. risen through the ranks of allens and became there knew president. Also Jesse becomed Hanks knew cop partner.

TJ: Walt Jr. as alien president? Brilliant, I’d accept no other ending. I’m sure he’s making cereal the new currency as we speak.

Wumbo: And they all lived happily ever after.

Faye: Jesse didn’t have to go on the run AND Walter Jr became the president? This story taught that ANYTHING is possible, thank you so much for changing my life Manbat.

Ex: They elected Walt Jr.!? Hey don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

JCM: My overall thoughts on this fanfic: jesus christ marie

Jjs: If you did every drug in the world at once, I still don't think it would be enough to comprehend this story's complex themes and choices. And boy, did this story make many bold choices, like making Jesse a cop. Unlike many one-shots, manbat at least had the decency to tell a complete story (although I use that term loosely) with a beginning, middle and end. I was pretty upset by the lack of Saul though, I guess Odenkirk was too expensive for this. Unfortunately, Vince GIlligan and crew were not a fan of his pitch, feeling that aliens were “too fucking insane and out of the blue for Breaking Bad’s grounded story,” which is understandable. This ain’t Star Wars, after all! Manbat peacefully accepted their rejection and faded away into obscurity as a one-hit fanfiction wonder. Aliens Attack remains his legacy, being the only thing people associate his name with. Although his attempt to write his own vision of how Breaking Bad would end was commendable, nothing was ever going to compare to what we actually got, in some ways the odds were already stacked against the poor fellow. However, in other ways, perhaps manbat was ahead of his time with predicting modern Breaking Bad meme shitposting because this could easily be mistaken for an okbuddychicanery post. Well played, son.

For our next tale, we’ll be taking a look at a story based around two things that took off in 2020: one of the most popular Disney cartoons in recent memory and a formerly popular game.

 

[WhoBibbles]

I cant believe one of Batman's villains could write such an intelligent and thought provoking piece. Maybe he is not just some monster after all.

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode III: Owl Among Us

Spoiler

Jjs: 2020 was a chaotic year for many. Yet through its darkness, it also brought us two light spots: the debut of Disney cartoon Owl House and surge in popularity for the murder mystery game Among Us, both being popular on SBC in recent years. One author, The Great Fossil King, had the ambitious idea to blend the two together into “Owl Among Us.” Crossovers are some of the bread and butter of the fanfiction genre, as authors mix two elements that don’t really belong together like a mad scientist. Fossil King wanted to prove critics wrong and redefine the crossover genre entirely. Appealing to both gamers and animation fans, what could go wrong? He had a vision to see this crossover through, and so, he released Owl Among Us to the world on September 28th, 2020. Here’s what the critics had to say upon release:

Sadly, despite mostly lukewarm feedback, the tale did not take off as Fossil King hoped, and it quickly became a forgotten tale in fanfiction’s ever expanding library. But after an exhaustive search, we’re going to shed a spotlight on this once lost tale. Owl House is over and Among Us may be a dead game, but we’re gonna lay both of them to rest in the best way we know how: with a bizarre fanfiction! Join JCM, Ex and SOF as they dissect if this is a worthy contribution to the Owl House lore and representation of Among Us. Let’s find out.

SOF: Heyo, good to be back on riffing theater to celebrate 10 years of riffing stuff. Enough recapping history, let’s focus on this The Owl House/Among Us crossover fic, which I can’t believe is real. I wasn’t an Among Us gal so I can’t say how accurate this is to its gameplay, but I’m a big Owl House fan, so I can judge if it's good representation there. Let’s dive in.

JCM: I know a good bit about Owl House and almost nothing about Among Us, so this should be fun!

Ex: red’s sus kick red

This is a short yet fun story.

JCM: I knew it!

SOF: Good thing it’s short, but will it be fun?

Ever since Among Us came out, it quickly grew to popularity which nearly destroy the gamers friendship through lies and back-stabbing.

SOF: Wow, did the “back-stabbing” part end up being relevant to Owl House in one of the worst ways. True fans will get it.

Ex: When a game’s whole point is to gaslight your friends, it’s bound to put a rift between people… but it’s funny, so it’s fine!

I saw some videos and fanarts of the Owl House characters playing Among Us. Which is why it gives me this little idea.

SOF: I’d say it’s more than a “little”, don’t sell yourself short!

Hope you like this. Also if you want me to make more Owl House X Among Us stories. Let me know.

JCM: I’ll let you know now. I don’t.

SOF: In the future, YouTubers will make hour-long videos wondering “What happened to the Owl House x Among Us genre?”

Cast of characters:

Luz(Yellow), Amity(Lime), Willow(Green), Gus(Blue), Boscha(Red), King(Black), Edric(Cyan), Emria(Pink), Skara(Purple), Max(Brown).

SOF: No Eda, Lilith or Hooty? But thank Titan they made Willow green and King black so that’s a good sign they have the characters down.

Ex: Digging the cast here honestly but LET’S GO CYAN BABY ALWAYS ROOT FOR CYAN

Imposters: Amity and Luz:

SOF: What if Amity and Luz are robots?

After fixing the reactor, Boscha went down to the lower engine which is one of her tasks. As soon, she got there she quickly sees a King getting killed by Amity which she then vented.

SOF: This is by far the worst thing Amity’s ever done, how could you!?

JCM: Black one always dies first.

Seeing King getting murder Boscha made a mad dash to the cafeteria.

SOF: I’d like to order one Murder Boscha.

Ex: Very relatable. I, too, get hungry when I see people getting murder.

She panting as she ran through the upper engine, taking a right passing the Med Bay. As soon, she got to the door, it opened to reveal Amity already there next the button. Boscha quickly tried to press the button only for Amity to press it.

SOF: Too slow, Boscha.

Ex: SELF REPORT LETS GOOO

(EMERGENCY MEETING)

SOF: WEE WOO WEE WOO

JCM: WHY ARE WE YELLING

"Guys its Boscha." Said Amity.

"WHAT?! NO IT WASN'T!" Boscha shouted "IT WAS F*CKING AMITY!"

SOF: Showing people get murdered is okay, but swearing is a big no.

JCM: Amity’s full name is F*cking Amity. It’s witchspeak or smth

"Wait, wait, hold on. Amity has the floor." Said Emria as she looked at Amity "Care to explain why you call this meeting Amity?"

SOF: Someone stole her Azura book.

"I was going to electricals when I saw Boscha killed King." Amity lying.

JCM: why you gotta switch up the tense on me like dat

"Wait, is King really dead?" Gus asked.

Ex: The entire world on August 16, 1977 be like.

JCM: The entire world on August 16, 2023 be like. (If Charles actually dies on that day, forget you read this.)

"Yep, he's dead like a nail." Said Edric looking at the tablet.

SOF: A nail? Weird comparison.

"NOOO KING!" Luz cried as everyone else laughing.

SOF: That’s not funny, you sickos.

JCM: Two different tenses in one dialogue tag. This is getting freaky.

"This is the third time King got killed!" Said Skara laughing.

SOF: Oh my god, you killed King, you bastards!

"I can already hear King squealing in rage!" Emria laughing.

SOF: They get a Hex Mix for referencing King’s Squeak of Rage. That’s one reference I understand!

"Poor King! I feel so bad for him!" Said Willow laughing.

Ex: I don’t believe you. Seems… sus.

"Wait, wait! Max is dead too!" Said Gus notice Max is dead also.

SOF: Okay, I noticed Max is dead, what do I win?

"God damnit, I was thought Max was an Imposter again." Said Skara remembering Max killed her last round.

"Can I talk now?" Amity asked which made everyone stop laughing.

JCM: No.

SOF: Let Amity speak!

"Sorry Mittens. You were saying?" Said Emria.

"As I was saying, I saw Boscha murder King and then vented." Said Amity which made Boscha slam her fist.

SOF: Good response, she’s cleared of suspicion!

"No, I did not! If you saw me, then why didn't you f*cking report it?!" Shouted Boscha.

"Boscha has a point." Said Skara wondering also.

SOF: Instead of a minor character like her, I think Eda or Lilith should’ve been here instead, but oh well.

"I can't risk it you vent goblin!" Shouted Amity which made everyone laugh.

Ex: WOAH! Watch it with the VG word. We’re not cool with that one yet.

JCM: First they kill off Black first, and now they’re using anti-goblin slurs. This writer is on thin ice!

"Vent goblin?" Asked Willow laughing.

SOF: Sounds like something that’d exist in the Boiling Isles.

Ex: Watch your mouth, young lady.

"Don't you remember Willow? When Max came out the vent, killed me, and went back in. That's a vent goblin." Said Luz reminding Willow.

"Oh right, the kill and vented tacit." Said Willow.

SOF: Oh right, this is an Among Us fic.

JCM: Good to know that teaching gameplay tactics half the readers already know is taking priority over actual story or character development.

"Yeah, which is why I book it to the cafeteria to call this meeting." Said Amity.

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPEN!" Boscha shouted once more.

SOF: She seems innocent to me.

"Who was with Boscha?" Emria asked everyone.

"Me and Willow were with her as the reactor. But we then went up and saw Boscha going down." Said Luz.

SOF: You two turned into a reactor? I guess they have to practice their magic somehow.

Ex: Luz and Willow are the Fine Bros. confirmed.

"And who was with King before he got killed?" Gus asked.

"I saw him in electricals when I went in there as he exited." Respond Skara.

JCM: Respond Skara is my favorite character.

SOF: King got electrocuted? Poor guy is getting the worst treatment in this fic. I refuse to support King abuse!

"Guys, we're running out of time! We need to vote someone!" Shout Edric noticing the timer almost up.

SOF: Who will be voted out? Find out on TOTAL DRAMA HOUSE!

"VOTE AMITY! SHE'S THE IMPOSTER!" Shouted Boscha as she voted Amity.

JCM: Wow! A young person who actually votes! We could use a few more of those!

"NO VOTE BOSCHA! SHE'S A BITCH ANYWAY!" Shouted Amity as she voted Boscha.

SOF: Should’ve been “Witch.”

Everyone voted but Luz. When everyone notice Luz hasn't voted yet. They all looked at as she trying to figure out who to vote.

SOF: Vote third party.

"Luz, you need to vote someone!" Said Willow.

"I'm trying, but who should I vote?" Ask Luz but when time is almost up "Ah screw it!" Luz voted.

SOF: Hopefully not for herself.

As the voting is done the results came in.

JCM: the results are that this writer still doesn’t know how tenses work

The only people who voted Amity is Boscha and Skara. While everyone else Luz, Amity, Willow, Gus, Edric, and Emria voted Boscha.

Eda: Those are my dumb kids!

"NOOO! YOU DAMN IDIOTS!" Shouted Boscha as everyone laughs "YOU F*CKING MORONS! YOU'RE GOING COST US THE GAME!"

JCM: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER F*CKING CENSORS IN THIS MOTHER F*CKING FANFIC!

SOF: Someone needs their mouth washed! Very in character of Boscha though.

"Bye Boscha." Willow saying good-bye to Boscha.

JCM: I could tell Willow was saying good-bye to Boscha by the fact that she said “Bye Boscha”, but thanks for clarifying anyway.

Boscha was then ejected out to space.

Ex: DIE

The words then read 'Boscha is not An Imposter' overhead. This cost everyone to realize their mistake as Amity muted.

SOF: Boscha died on the way back to her home planet.

"Oh my God, that was a close one." Said Amity muted "Thank you Luz."

SOF: That was a closer one! *jumps off ship*

"No one is going to eject my girl on my watch." Said Luz muted.

We then see Boscha ghost with her arms folded in frustration. She was later joined with Max and King who are also ghosts.

SOF: Boscha as a ghost is clearly foreshadowing for Ghost and Molly McGee, another great Disney cartoon people should watch.

JCM: (on phone) Operator, there’s something strange in my neighborhood.

"Now you know my pain." Said King.

SOF: sad

"Let's be real. People going to expect you to be an Imposter either way." Said Max when Boscha punch him at the face.

"Ow! Shouldn't ghosts feel no pain!" Asked Max.

JCM: Isn’t that a question!

"Only other ghosts can harm another ghost." Said King.

"This game is f*cking stupid." Said Boscha very upset.

SOF: Maybe the real impostors were the friends we made along the way. And that’s it for this strange, lulzy fic. Honestly, this fic could be so bad, it’s good, but it’s harmless in the end. I have to give them credit for coming up with such a bizarre crossover idea. It’s also funny how we riffed this when the Among Us animated series was just announced, so I guess this guy predicted that if nothing else. See ya next time!

JCM: The only compliment I can give this fic is that it’s short. In solidarity, I’ll keep my final riff short, too. On to the next!

Ex: Well those were definitely words, and they definitely formed sentences about The Owl House and Among Us. What more could you say, really? A tale as old as time.. I bid you adieu.

Jjs: And so, Fossil King ends this tale off on a sentiment most people probably share about Among Us by now. With how the game has already faded from the zeitgeist, and having the daunting task of pleasing two wildly different fanbases, it’s no wonder why this story couldn’t stand the test of time. In spite of this, Fossil King continued to write several more Owl House stories on the site, some finding more success than this one did. Good on him, there’s at least one author in this series that gets a somewhat happy ending. Hey, I never said these would be all horrifying doom and gloom!

Next time we’ll be analyzing a caper from a galaxy far, far away.

 

[WhoBibbles]

We all know if Eda joined Among Us, she'd be the imposter and kill everyone in the room. She was too OP for them unfortunately

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode IV: You Don't Mess With Yoda's Cookies

Spoiler

Jjs: The Star Wars galaxy is one ripe for storytelling possibility. One person known as “Scriptor Sapiens” had a daring take with an ominous premise: “You Don’t Mess with Yoda’s Cookies.” Posted to fanfiction.net on May 15th, 2010 and mostly based on The Clone Wars show, the story went relatively under the radar at first, with only a few reviewers either finding it funny or weird. In 2016 it would finally come into the limelight, when it was featured on The Bold Italic’s list of worst Star Wars fanfiction to ever exist:

https://thebolditalic.com/here-are-the-weirdest-star-wars-fanfics-in-the-universe-14fc576e99eb

Why did this story in particular gain the author’s vitriol? They don’t quite say and when our research team reached out to them for comment, they promptly responded: “Fuck off.” So that leaves us to answer! Does it truly deserve to be on a list of the worst Star Wars fanfiction of all time? As one of SBC’s resident and not so proud Star Wars geeks, let’s find out.

OMJ: So it’s not even based on the GOOD Clone Wars? Why the hell am I even here?

WhoBob: Awww yeah, I’m so glad to be a part of riffing stories once again. I had a blast with Family Guy riffs and this feels like both the next level and full circle of riffing that has been part of SBC stories for years. I can’t wait to share this experience with y’all one last time.

Slug: I’m going to be looking at these scripts a little differently than I did with Nostalgia Critic and Family Guy. To be specific, I don’t think it’s really worthwhile to critique these stories from a professional writing POV. These were stories thrown together by randos on the internet, they aren’t getting paid to do any of this and aren’t actually canon to anything of importance. Therefore, I’m not looking for a good time here, I’m just looking for a fun time. I don’t care how bad these are. As long as they’re fun to read, either ironically or unironically, they will get a thumbs up from me.

YOU DON'T MESS WITH YODA'S COOKIES

Jjs: A warning so strong it’s in caps. I’m scared.

OMJ: Better warning: IF IT’S NOT EPISODES I-VI AND GENNDY’S CLONE WARS, IT DON’T MEAN SHIT

WhoBob: It should have started as “MESS WITH YODA’S COOKIES, YOU DON’T”

Slug: You can’t tell me what to do.

Aayla and Kit meandered through the halls of the clone base, chatting amiably to each other, and waving at passing clones they recognized.

Jjs: Scriptor Sapiens is already making quite a bold, innovative choice to focus on two lesser known Jedi, just like The Clone Wars did. So far so good in keeping with its spirit. Had this come out in the modern times though, fans would be decrying this for member berry fanservice.

OMJ: As someone who fondly remembers Kit Fisto from that time he used the force to knock C-3PO down during the Battle of Geonosis and Aayla from that time the clones gunned her down on that flower planet during the execution of Order 66, I actually welcome more content around these two. Just not from a piece of crap series like THE Clone Wars.

WhoBob: Man, I’ll be real. I’m not always good with names, especially when it comes to Star Wars with over a million characters, so I had to google Kit and Aayla to make sure I got it right and now I can safely do my riffing correctly oop.

Slug: It’s one thing to hear the names of Star Wars characters. but it’s another thing to actually have to read them. It feels like psychological warfare.

"Hey, Boil, you changed your hair!" Kit grinned at a passerby with a red crew cut.

OMJ: No, I refuse to acknowledge the thought of Jango Fett with red crew cut hair. Fack that. Fack Yoda’s Cookies. And fack THE Clone Wars.

WhoBob: Kit is looking at him, ready to fuck him.

The clone gave him a weird look. "Who's Boil?"

OMJ: Another piece of crap character THE Clone Wars churned out?

WhoBob: Kit mistaken that clone with some other clone named Boil? This fanfic already has been a good commentary on racism in Jedi order.

Slug: IDK but at this rate he’s probably going to be in Mandalorian season 4 somehow.

Or thought they recognized. Kit froze, his grin twitching. "Sorry, never mind. I thought you were somebody else."

Jjs: Already starting off with racism, this story is swinging out of the gate.

OMJ: No, no. WRONG! The Kit Fisto I know and grew up with would use the force to push “Boil” down and then keep him down by plopping a Super Battle Droid over him. What the fuck is this shit?

WhoBob: He was so horny over Boil that he forgot what he looked like. L for his ass.

Slug: Note to self, kidnapping children and raising them under a weird cult religion will NOT make your Jedi master very sociable.

The clone shrugged and went along his way. Aayla glared at her boy friend.

Jjs: Scriptor Sapiens headcanoning a ship, I see you.

OMJ: First thing’s first, you can have an entire Star War take place in that space between “boy” and “friend”. And secondly, “boy friend”? What, we’re normalizing the concept of Jedi having romantic relationships now? Is this what THE Clone Wars is about? Kit and Aayla are not, were never nor will they ever be Anakin. Let’s keep it civil and asexual in the Jedi Order and leave that shit to him! It’s his defining character trait, it’ll lose its meaning and importance if everyone else starts cavorting around like a bunch of teenagers. This is the Jedi Order goddammit, let’s have some order in this ORDER please!

WhoBob: I for one want to see forbidden Jedi fucking.

Slug: They just wanna fuck but can’t because the Jedi Council are the most powerful incels in the Galaxy. This is why, in this essay, I will explain why Palpatine was a historically progressive force that advanced the cause of… *Gets shot*

"Well, that was awkward."

Jjs: Well THAT just happened! *laugh track*

OMJ: “Well, that was THE Clone Wars.”

WhoBob: I’m sure the writer of this fanfic is working on MCU.

Slug: Okay, I know I said I wouldn’t be criticizing this story from a professional writing POV but I need to have this indulgent tangent for a sec. Why do writers keep having characters comment on awkwardness? Does anybody act like an MCU quip machine in real-life? I know from experience when I’m feeling awkward, my instinct isn’t to comment on it, but to imagine myself retreating from humanity into a cave somewhere in the Himalayas.

Kit frowned, continuing down the hallway. "It's not my fault, they all look the same! They're clones, for Pete's sake!"

Jjs: Hmph, well I think it’s time we get #KitFistoIsOverParty trending! Maybe he deserved to be Order 66’d.

OMJ: Who the hell is this Pete character? What, is he the progenitor of the Force now or something, the midichlorians? Is he the definitive Space Jesus of the Star Wars universe? Did George Lucas sign off on this? Did he, Filoni?!

WhoBob: I already feel like he’s gonna enter his Kanye arc by watching Orphan Black to actually value clones.

Slug: In my headcanon the Clones had no chip that made them go evil. It’s just that when they got Order 66 they all went along with it because they were tired of the Jedi’s shit.

They walked along in silence, now keeping from waving at anybody.

OMJ: Along the boulevard of broken, irreparable franchises.

WhoBob: Maybe they should stop treating each other as snobby celebrities in the army.

Except for Shaak Ti, who strolled past them gracefully.

OMJ: Hey, there she is! #MyAhsoka

WhoBob: Why is she the exception? Cuz she’s a Jedi like them? This discrimination in the Jedi Order needs to be addressed.

"Fisto, Secura," the master greeted them. They smiled in her direction. She paused suddenly, and looked them up and down.

"You two look thin," she commented. "When was the last time you ate something other than the white cubes they serve on cruisers?"

Jjs: Now we’re jumping right into skinny shaming, this story would’ve never survived the modern times.

WhoBob: Easiest way to get weight is to get into a galaxy with a deadly virus, so Kit and Aayla will have no choice but to lock themselves up and get weight from staying at home.

Slug: They live in Joe Biden’s America?

Kit considered the question. "I think it was after the battle of Mon Calamari…"

OMJ: Awwwww SHIT! That’s that good shit I’m talking about! One of the best installments of Genndy’s Clone Wars. A masterpiece, even!

"Or the battle of Kamino…" Aayla contemplated

OMJ: BOO! Get that Filoni baloney outta here, mang. Stop trying to harsh my mellow.

Jjs: Powerful commentary on how the Jedi were treated as mere tools during war. Say what you will about Scriptor Sapien’s other writing choices, but he truly cared for the Jedi soldiers!

OMJ: A fanfic writer did more for the Jedi than Disney, Filoni, Favreau, all them corporate shills ever could. Take fucking notes, Hollywood.

WhoBob: Aayla and Kit be like:

Shaak Ti looked rather sick.

OMJ: Can relate, Queen.

WhoBob: Damn, her plot is already in motion. She’s gonna spread the disease to them, so they’ll have no choice but to be on lockdown.

Slug: Keep it to yourself. Jedi don’t get sick from work days off.

"Well, ahem, alright then. Well…carry on…"

WhoBob: 

She shook her head a little bit before marching off again.

OMJ: This is exactly what I’m gonna do once I’m done here.

Slug: 

"Actually, Kit…" Aayla turned to face him. "I have been feeling undernourished these past couple of days."

"Me too," Kit agreed. "Let's find something to eat."

Jjs: If only Dex’s Diner was on Kamino, it’d satisfy all your nourishment needs.

OMJ: Dex knows when to keep his dignity and not sell out.

WhoBob: He was a fine local businessman, it’s a shame his diner went bankrupt after the empire’s McDooku joints.

Slug: This is why the Empire worked, their guys had full bellies!

They glided off in the direction of the mess hall. When the arrived at the mess hall and checked the menu, they almost puked.

Jjs: Damn, I can see they’re not a fan of the word “the.”

OMJ: Let me guess, “The Mandalorian” was on the menu?

WhoBob: Also add Book of Boba and Obi-Wan Kenobi to the menu.

Slug: I see that even in a galaxy far far away that Arby’s never changed.

They didn't know what Horshk meat in cream of Pusu meant, but they sure didn't want to find out. Especially when they saw some clones quickly duck into the men's restroom next door, their faces green.

Jjs: Green just like the titular character, see you with his symbolism, I do!

OMJ: But were they green like my font?

WhoBob: They were green like Yoda’s dick.

Slug: Kit Fisto was ALREADY green, this writer is such a fake fan smh.

They unanimously decided to uncover lunch somewhere else.

Jjs: I like how powerfully “unanimously” is used here when it’s only two people’s decision, it speaks to the gravity of how hungry the two are.

OMJ: “Uncover?" What, was there a THE Clone Wars episode where surprisingly proficient in the ways of the force Space Sherlock Holmes had to crack the case of the missing Roast Porg? Only Filoni!

WhoBob: Oh no, they are disobeying the orders. I should alert this to Senate Palpatine.

They were wandering around the base without direction,

OMJ: Ah yes, a fitting metaphor for the absolute state of this series.

WhoBob: Din Djarin in Mando s3.

Slug: You couldn't live with your own failure. Where did that bring you? Back to me. 

exploring as they searched for something to eat elsewhere.

"Hey, Kit," Aayla poked him in the shoulder where he was getting a drink at the water fountain. "What's this?"

Jjs: They’re so deprived of sustenance they apparently don’t know what a water fountain is.

OMJ: What, did Filoni and his cracked team of revisionist writers alter the anatomy of Kit’s species so that he now drinks water from his shoulder? Hey, alter where his ass is and you can stick what I think of that up there!

WhoBob: YOU WILL NEVER BE JACK O-LANTERN!!!

Slug: As long as no one involved is a frog then I think it’s safe to drink this water.

She pointed at a door that Kit did not remember exploring before.

"I'm not sure," the Nautolan frowned, walking up next to her. Then he gave a devilish grin. "Wanna find out?"

Jjs: Naughty naughty! It’s reasons like this why the Jedi Order fell, you know.

OMJ:

now that’s the Kit Fisto I know and love. 

WhoBob: Devilish grin you say? 

Slug: 

Aayla's evil smirk mirrored his own. She grasped the door handle in her blue hand and turned, stepping into the room.

Jjs: Sounds like someone’s been possessed by a Sith Lord.

Kit Fisto: You’re tearing me APAHT, Aayla!

Slug: Oh hai Yoda.

WhoBob: SHE FIRMLY GRASPED IT!

The room was round, and made of wood. Tapestries decorated the walls, covered in murals of creatures wielding lightsabers through the centuries. In the middle of the room was a round wooden table, with several red chairs surrounding. A light shone down from the ceiling, making the symbol of the Republic appear in the center of the table.

Jjs: Scriptor Sapiens put in a lot of attention to detail to establish this mysterious room. It’s also rumored this is where most of the budget went.

OMJ: What, is the Star Wars franchise branching out into porn now? This is the porniest set I’ve ever seen described.

WhoBob: Yoda is doing porn business on top of all? This guy has many layers to him.

Slug: They put all their budget into this and not into feeding their own people? No wonder they all got owned by Sandboy.

"Wow," Aayla whispered, smiling and examining a tapestry where a Jedi warrior appeared to be slicing a creature in half. "This must be the Jedi masters' lounge."

Jjs: Given the Republic symbol, I’ll assume it’s the Sith’s. (Technically not wrong!)

OMJ: No, that’s just where all the cavorting happens.

Slug: A celebration of slicing people in half? *Ben Shapiro voice* So much for being the “tolerant” ones!

Kit, not stopping to admire the décor like the Twi'lek,

OMJ: Ok, let’s not bring race into this.

WhoBob: He didn’t strike me as the twink type tbh.

made a beeline for the adjoining door. He stepped inside the small annex to discover a small kitchen of sorts.

Jjs: You could say the kitchen was out of this world.

OMJ: Lemme guess, this kitchen belongs to a “Patitite” right? Only Filoni.

Slug: At least it’s a kitchen, I was here expecting a meth lab.

What luck! With a wide grin

OMJ: 

he began to rummage through the cabinets. Aayla poked her head in the door to see what he was up to. "Whatchu doin?"

Jjs: Rummaging through the cabinets, want to join?

OMJ: Oh come on. That is NOT real vernacular in the Star Wars universe! That’s like instead of “hello there”, Obi-Wan is all like “what’s crackin”!

WhoBob: “Whatchu doin?” You are breaking and entering a porn dude’s room. Shame on you two.

Slug: I’m at a pornography store, I was buying pornography.

Kit snarled as he opened yet another cabinet. "Whoever stocks this place must be fasting,"

WhoBob: Yoda canonically muslim? Finally muslims get some representation in Star Wars.

Slug: Wookiepedia won’t tell you that Coruscant was incorporated into Greater Albania.

he growled, seeing nothing inside but cobwebs, some supplement bars, and a stray Sludgebug. "Their cabinets aren't very well stocked at all!"

Jjs: The Great Food Shortage of The Clone Wars deserves a Wookieepedia article.

OMJ: The Great Ideas Shortage of THE Clone Wars is another.

WhoBob: We have plenty of food in our stock, courtesy of my father. I can share it with you two.

Slug: Well maybe YOU can buy the groceries for a change, then.

He flicked the innocent Sludgebug in frustration. It sailed through the air and made a PANG on something metal.

Jjs: Creative use of onomatopoeia.

OMJ: Yes, now force push a Super Battle Droid onto it.

WhoBob: Now they are ripping off “PING” sound in the New Gods’ motherbox? DC should sue them now.

Aayla picked up the tin the bug had landed on. "What's this?"

WhoBob: 

Kit seized the tin and opened the lid. Immediately the aliens were arrested by the intoxicating aroma of fresh, baked, homemade, delicious, melty, chocolatey, fudge-covered, chewy…COOKIES!

Jjs: You have the right to remain silent! Any bites you take on these delicious cookies can be used against you in the Republic court of law!

OMJ: They made Chewbacca into cookies?! Filoni, you could keep Anakin and Grievous apart long enough to keep some shred of continuity but you can’t even let Chewbacca live to see Episode III?!

Editor’s Note: Writer of this fic had been watching food porn while writing this part.

Slug: Don’t care about the slavery that the Jedi implicitly allow or their religious occultism either, but if they take my cookies they’re going to Hell for real.

Aayla grinned in delight. "Jackpot."

OMJ: Get me outta here, I want no part of this sacrilege!

Slug: Hell it is, then.

She plunged a hand into the tin, only to withdraw it again quickly with a howl of pain. A mousetrap with a post-it note attached to it dangled from her finger.

Jjs: I can’t tell if I’m reading a Star Wars fic or Tom and Jerry short.

OMJ: You damn well know they would do an animated Tom & Jerry/Star Wars crossover if they were shameless enough and legally allowed to.

WhoBob: Only when Disney buys Warner Bros in the year 2030.

Slug: I like the implication that mice have evolved to become a space-faring species, because apparently even this non-Earth foreign planet still names their anti-pest contraptions in their honor.

She wrenched it off furiously, examining her finger was already starting to swell and bruise, most likely broken. And she was going to make sure the idiot who put a dang mousetrap in a cookie tin was going to pay. Kit was in the process of discovering who said idiot was by reading the post-it note.

Slug: I wouldn’t be that worried, in Star Wars you can get stabbed directly in the chest and still stay alive somehow, at least if the Obi-Wan show is anything to go by. A mousetrap will do you no harm.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha," he read. "Yoda's cookies, property of Yoda, do not touch except for Yoda."

Jjs: With how carefully Yoda’s guarding this, I’m having suspicion this is actually his hidden ketamine storage and “cookies” is just a code word.

OMJ: I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah, and we ate cookies that tasted just like Chewbaaaaaca! C-H-E-W-B-A-C-C-A Chewbaa-haa-cca

WhoBob: Yoda is such a greedy lil whore. He refuses to share his treats with us smh.

Slug: Property of Yoda, uh? Well eminent domain time it is, then.

"Yoda, huh?" Aayla snarled,

OMJ: Ya know, lil green man, talks backwards, grandmaster of your entire order pretty much.

Slug: Here I was thinking it was Jar Jar’s cookies.

eyes glittering as she grabbed the mousetrap and reset it. She marched out into the lounge room and put the trap on the chair that was higher than the others and which she logically assumed was Yoda's.

OMJ: Assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME so I hope her assumption is wrong.

WhoBob: No, that chair belongs to his ex, Yaddle.

"Just wait till I get my hands on that little ball of green slime."

Jjs: Show some respect for your elders!

OMJ: Yoda is not a LITTLE BALL OF A GREEN SLIME- Oh wait, he’s always been that.

WhoBob: You break into an elder’s house, steal his cookies and then you wanna teach him a lesson?

Slug: You want to put your hands on Jabba the Hutt?

Kit had tailed her into the room and was busy counting the cookies. "There are 24 cookies in here," he muttered, adding in his head. "The probability of him missing two are approximately 18, 934 to one."

OMJ: A long time ago in a space between “18,” and “934” far, far away…

WhoBob: Kit Fisto Took Twenty Four Cookies. That’s As Many As Four Sixes. And That’s Terrible.

Slug:

"I'll buy those odds," Aayla smiled, holding out her hand. "Gimme a cookie.

Jjs: You didn’t say please. The Jedi were bigger jerks than I thought.

OMJ: Jedi don’t gamble!

WhoBob: And they dare to rip off the catchphrase of Din?

Slug: This was Elon Musk before burning 40+ million on Twitter.

Kit took a cookie for his sister and himself, and then held his cookie up, grinning.

Jjs: Aayla’s his sister now? Well it wouldn’t be Star Wars without some good old fashioned incest!

OMJ: 

WhoBob: This is the moment when Star Wars became Game of Thrones.

Slug: At least he’s in the spirit of giving.

"Here's to stealing Master Yoda's cookies with no consequences in sight!"

Jjs: You keep telling yourself those are “cookies.”

OMJ: It’s really Filoni’s baloney.

WhoBob: This will not age well…

Slug: WARNING, comeuppance in 3… 2… 1…

Aayla clutched her cookie with her good hand,

Aayla: 

thinking how might have already been consequences, and touched his cookie with hers.

WhoBob: This was not the type of Star Wars porn parody I was expecting.

Slug: The grammar is off, this very serious story about Yoda’s cookies is ruined forever, I give it a 0/10.

Then they bit into the treats.

"Force," Kit whispered, his bulging eyes even wider.

Jjs: Holy Sith!

OMJ: I honestly don’t know how they could even get any wider. Are the cookies force pushing his eye sockets apart?

WhoBob: It’s obv those cookies have ketamine inside them.

"These have got to be the best cookies in the galaxy!"

Jjs: I don’t know about that, the Dark Side makes a compelling case otherwise.

OMJ: You know damn well Disney, Rian Johnson, JJ Abrams and whoever else had their cock in the Star Wars glory hole would’ve made Yoda go dark side for some stupid reason. “Some cookies to go along with that green milk”, as I like to put it.

Slug: Green milk must have been the secret ingredient.

Aayla was too deep in cookie heaven to say anything. She savored the mouthful for as long as she could before quickly wolfing down the rest. Kit followed suit.

Jjs: Mmm, absolutely fucked, you two are.

OMJ: How could he? She wolfed down the rest before he could follow suit!

WhoBob: Aayla be like: 

Slug: The cookies definitely have addictive properties, what is Yoda trying to hide, hmmmmm?

Then the looked at their empty hands, and looked back at the tin. Back at their hands, back at the tin.

Jjs: Now back to your man, now back to me.

OMJ: Sadly, he isn’t jjs.

WhoBob: Those ketamine cookies must be too strong cuz even the writer of this fic is high.

"He'll never miss it," Aayla whispered.

Slug: Well he did miss the conspiracy to overthrow the Republic until it was too late, but to be fair, Aayla and Kit’s actions are much more serious crimes.

"You don't think so?" Kit asked.

Jjs: He had a mousetrap guarding them but yeah, he probably won’t miss them. Although if Yoda really wanted to protect his ketamine cookies so badly, he should’ve invested in stronger mousetrap defense. Red Letter Media would hate this for confusing military strategy.

OMJ: If Rian Johnson were writing this, Yoda would probably throw those cookies over a cliff.

WhoBob: Luke be like: “THE SACRED JEDI COOKIES.”

Slug: If anyone here did any thinking you would’ve packed a lunchbox or something.

Aayla mimicked the Jedi's words. "The probability is approximately 18, 934 to one."

OMJ: Wow, right down to the space between “18,” and “934” exactly!

WhoBob: Damn, it isn’t kind of Aayla to make fun of her brother boyfriend like that.

Without a moment's hesitation, Kit seized the tin. "I'll buy those odds!"

Jjs: The Force is certainly not with him here.

OMJ: The Force forsook us all a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

WhoBob: Repeating lines over and over isn’t as smart as you think it is.

Slug: My man is gonna go broke.

A whisper of the Force outside the door warned them.

WhoBob: Gasp, is it Qui-gon Jinn who warned them about it? I knew he was also stealing Yoda’s cookies.

Slug: Oh no, it’s the missionaries, run!

"Someone's coming!" Aayla hissed,

OMJ: Don’t remind me of Xi’an from The Mandalorian, please

Slug: And here comes Dexter Jettster with the steel chair!

grabbing the tin and stuffing it under the table.

Jjs: Given Yoda’s height, he’ll probably see that. Genius!

WhoBob: Ah yes, that’s the clever hideout, I’m sure Yoda won’t notice a thing.

Slug: If the force can’t warn you that this is a terrible idea then the force is a massive rip-off.

The door slid open just as they finished hiding the cookies and who should walk in? None other than Master Yoda himself, of course.

Yoda: “Honey, home I am.” *audience laughter and coughs kicks in*

Jjs: I CLAPPED WHEN I SAW HIM!

OMJ:

Slug: 

"Just our luck," muttered Aayla under her breath. Kit made a face in reply.

Jjs: I’m glad we’ve learned Kit Fisto is a talented creative mind, but I don’t think this is the time to be making faces when Master Yoda is going to murder you.

OMJ: 

Slug: You forgot to say the line, Bart. What happened to buying those odds?

Yoda hobbled up to them, smiling bat ear to bat ear. "Hello, there, you two!"

Jjs: The nerd in me is deeply offended by the notion that Yoda is a bat.

OMJ: You know damn well the big brains over at Disney would make him a bat if they could.

WhoBob: Bro thinks he’s Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Slug: Best Yoda content is always when he fucks with people. I’m here for this.

"Good afternoon, Master," they greeted, pasting cheerful smiles over their conspirator smirks.

Yoda: Mmm, awfully conspiratorial smirks shining on your faces, you two do.

OMJ: 

WhoBob: I love how Yoda doesn’t even question why they are in his house. Truly gigachad move.

Slug: I know it wouldn’t work on Yoda, but the author should’ve made them try a Jedi mind trick here because it would’ve been funny.

"We found this room, Master," Aayla quickly said, eager to keep the conversation going so it wouldn't seem awkward. "We are allowed to be in here, right?"

Jjs: Given the lack of guards or locked door, I’ll guess no.

WhoBob: But who allowed the jedimen?

Slug: Asking for permission is loser behavior tbh.

"Of course!" the little green alien squeaked,

WhoBob: That’s Yoda’s orgasm.

marching towards the door to the kitchen. "Jedi, you are! You belong here!"

Jjs: Unless you’re trying to take my ketacookies, of course, then in that case, die, you must.

OMJ: Tell me, Frank. Tell me how much they paid you to recite that butchered line?!

WhoBob: Yes Yoda, they are Jedis. Don’t worry pops, we’re almost to your room.

Slug: The correct Yoda vernacular should’ve been “Belong here, you do.” 0/10. Gonna make 10 5 hour-long video essays against this fanfic now.

Shit. Yoda was going to discover his cookies were missing!

Jjs: Quick, Steamed Hams your way out of this conundrum!

OMJ: Steamed Porgs, more like it.

WhoBob: Idk, he’s too clueless to question why there are two Jedis in his house.

Slug: This will be Yoda upon learning this information.

Aayla and Kit exchanged nervous looks as they heard the master open a cabinet. There was a pause. Then there were some furious rummaging noises and some muttered curses.

Jjs: Yoda…SWEARING!? Not My Yoda, Scriptor Sapien has utterly destroyed the Star Wars mythos.

OMJ: Only after Filoni beat him to it first.

WhoBob: I mean I’m sure Yoda does more than just swearing but you are not here to be informed by that.

Slug: Yoda’s 100% the type of guy to say slurs that haven’t been said in 50 years.

"Let's run for it," Kit hissed.

Slug: The Summoning Salt video on the history of speedruns escaping from Yoda is going to be epic.

"But what about the cookies?”

OMJ: BuT wHeRe ArE tHe KrAbBy PaTtIeS?!

Jjs: But what about the droid attack on the cookies?

WhoBob: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE COOKIES?

Slug: And can somebody PLEASE think of the children!

"Screw the cookies! Do you wanna be put in the hospital bay?"

WhoBob: 

Slug: Unfortunately, being a Jedi doesn’t give you health insurance.

"But…"

WhoBob: No butts. Get your asses moving.

But it was too late to run for it. Yoda hobbled back into the lounge, shaking his flappy ears and frowning.

Jjs: I love the word diversity with “hobbled.”

OMJ: Hey, you got your word diversity in my Star Wars!

See my cookies, did you?" he asked them.

WhoBob: Man, this is like Star Wars’ version of Wet Painters.

Slug: My name is Yoda. I’m a hundred something year old Jedi master. I have eaten every cookie in existence and I have never killed anyone. There are MILLIONS of addicts just like me, and we’re sick of people like you blaming your problems on us. Ignorance causes violence, not cookies. Man up and take responsibility. We outnumber you and the people who think like you. DON’T FUCK WITH US.

They smiled again

OMJ: 

and shook their heads. "No, Master.”

Yoda frowned at them. They smiled back as cheesily as they could manage.

OMJ: 

It was a mistake that was almost their undoing.

Jjs: Only almost, way to lower the stakes already!

OMJ: I mean, one of them is Kit Fisto, who took down a killer C-3PO in one fell swoop, and the other is Aayla Secura, who the Clones had to literally blindside just to kill. Yoda lost to The Senate lol

WhoBob: Yoda is slowly catching onto them. Take your time pops.

Slug: This was what happened to the last person to mess with Yoda’s cookies. you still wanna do this, cookiecels?

"Something in your teeth, you have," Yoda frowned up at Kit.

Jjs: 

OMJ:

WhoBob: Yoda’s frowns are the most heartbreaking aspect of this story.

Said alien paled and ran his tongue over his left incisor. Sure enough, he tasted chocolate. He needed to get out of there. And fast.

Slug: 

"Sorry,master,!" He pounded out the door like hell was coming.

Jjs: !He’s so scared he misplaced his exclamation point

OMJ: Well now there’ll be no Star Wars at all with that egregious lack of space!

WhoBob: I can’t blame Kit for this, Yoda is too intimidating.

Slug: There’s still quite a few years before Rise of Skywalker comes out.

And when Yoda became very suspicious and suddenly cast his glare on the unfortunate Aayla, she was sure it was.

Jjs: I don’t know how “unfortunate” she really is here when she’s a conspirator in this heinous theft, but I do like how the author is trying to make us sympathize with the thieves.

OMJ: Sympathize with thieves? What is this, Rogue Two? Solo 2? Sounds like a whole lotta shit to me.

WhoBob: There’s no redemption for Aayla.

Slug: What Aayla is really a victim of is Yoda’s wonderful cooking skills.

Yoda smiled warmly and hopped up to Aayla. "See my cookies, you did not, correct?" he asked.

WhoBob: 

Slug: A wizard did it.

"No, Master Yoda, sir," Aayla grinned weakly. A corner of her mouth twitched.

Slug: It appears that doctors are lying to the public about the dangerous side effects of Yoda’s cookies, twitching included.

"Good, this is," Yoda smiled, walking closer still. "Because my favorite, are those cookies, and severe consequences, there would be, for whoever took them."

Jjs: Several war crimes, I would commit.

OMJ: Alright this guy isn’t even trying to get the Yoda-ism accurate anymore.

WhoBob: Several hate crimes on top of it.

Slug: If Rian Johnson wanted to prevent backlash to Luke’s characterization he should’ve pointed out that young Ben Solo stole his cookies, everyone would’ve been on the same page.

She still grinned down at him, but she was sweating like crazy.

OMJ: This episode of The Riffing Theater has been brought to you by Jedi Girl Sweat! “You won’t wanna buy any death sticks after a whiff of this! warning: Jedi Girl Sweat may still make you rethink your life”

WhoBob: I bought the product and I was so unsatisfied with the results. Didn’t make me erect. 7.8/10

Slug: That’s just the average League of Legends player.

Suddenly, all three feet of Yoda seized all five foot seven of Aayla

OMJ: That’s like scarily accurate. Oh wait, it’s on Wookiepedia. Go about your business. Move along, move along!

by the collar, and yanked her down, staring her in the eye.

Jjs: Yoda with those ninja flip skills again!

WhoBob: 

Slug: 

"Very SEVERE consequences," Yoda growled.

Slug: He’s gonna make her watch Bombad Jedi.

Aayla needed a miracle. And a miracle now!

Jjs: Believe in the Force.

JG Wentforce: It’s your miracle, use it when you need it!

WhoBob: These incompetent Jedis cannot beat a fucking gremlin. What a joke.

Slug: Is this what Ayala was thinking or is it what Lucasfilm is thinking after seeing Indiana Jones 5’s box office numbers?

A sudden evil thought popped into her head. She grinned evilly, before quickly wiping it off and replacing it with a frightened whimper.

Palpatine: You ever hear the tragedy of Darth Aayla the Desperate?

WhoBob: Gasp, she IS the traitor of Jedis all along? Maybe Dooku was framed…

"WELL?" Yoda howled, lightsaber coming out. Holy shit. He really wanted those cookies.

Jjs: You could say they’re addicting like a certain drug.

WhoBob: The writer is just as shocked about his fic as we are, folks.

Slug: Yoda is gonna do this.

"I'm sorry, Master Yoda, sir, don't hurt me!" she yelped. "I was here to cover for Master Obi-Wan! He said he was really mad about you not giving him a raise! He said something about revenge!"

Jjs: Throwing an innocent Jedi under the bus, despicable. Maybe you deserved to be Order 66’d.

OMJ: Anakin being denied the rank of Master, Obi-Wan being denied his raise. The Jedi Order could surely use a reform arc come Episode III.

WhoBob: Man, I really am starting to realize that maybe Palpatine wasn’t the ultimate baddie of this universe. It was Aayla who did every crime unimaginable to get those cookies.

Slug: Jedi are all weirdo monks, they don’t get salaries. On that note, what would they even be allowed to buy? The aren’t even allowed to fuck in peace.

Yoda's eyes went wide. Then they narrowed to slits.

"Revenge, eh?" he hissed like a snake.

Jjs: Revenge of the Hiss

OMJ: Seriously, what’s with all the hissing? Is this a Favreau thing?! You a scaly, Jon?!

WhoBob: Yoda being a serpent is one of the least surprising things about this fic.

Slug: I like the idea that the longer Yoda goes without his cookie fix the more he devolves into animalism.

"Something like that," Aayla whimpered.

Jjs: Reminder that lies like this is why the Jedi Order fell. Brilliant foreshadowing!

WhoBob: If you aren’t even entirely sure of who plotted this revenge, then you are not a good Jedi at all.

Slug: George Lucas when writing a lightsaber battle.

She was glad that Yoda was so stark-raving mad because he might have noticed that Jedi don't even get raises. For that matter, they don't even have salaries.

Jjs: You’d think such an ancient elder would know that, stark-raving mad or not. How horribly out of character!

OMJ: You’d think this was written post-Disney with how nerfed and incompetent Yoda is in this.

WhoBob: Maybe it’s time for a union folks?

Slug: The New Republic was actually existing feudalism. Still don’t believe that Palpatine was historically progressive?

They're just a provided service. Master Anakin had to work for ten years at Galactic Pizza to get his penthouse. And even then he had mooched most of it off Padme.

Jjs: I would’ve preferred if he worked ten years at Dex’s Diner instead.

OMJ: Do the droids come alive at night there too?

WhoBob: I wasn’t expecting Anakin’s story between ep 1 and ep 2 to be filled like that but sure…

Slug: Intergalactic Pizza? I didn’t know Futurama was canon in this universe.

Yoda released Aayla stiffly. "Dismissed, you are, Aayla," he snarled.

WhoBob: That was anticlimactic. I wanted blood!!!

Slug: 

Aayla quickly exited the room with all due haste and immediately took the elevator towards Obi-Wan's room on the fifth floor. If Yoda got there first, he'd scalp poor Obi-Wan and use it as a doormat.

Jjs: Those Jedi robes would make for a nice doormat though…

OMJ: Oh, so this takes place before he got his Episode III haircut then?

WhoBob: No one can escape the power of doormat making skills of Yoda.

Slug: At least he recycles his victims.

She sprang from the elevator, knocked over a clone, and tore for the room.

Jjs: This story makes a great PSA for how the Jedi treated clones.

Unfortunate Clone: Move along!

WhoBob: Maybe clones were right to wipe out all Jedi.

She had just rounded the corner when she froze. A green bolt of lightning had just shot across the hallway towards Obi-Wan's room. Damn. Little bugger must have used the ventilation systems.

Jjs: I was only half-joking about this being a Tom and Jerry short.

OMJ: So you’re telling me Yoda wields the power of Electric Judgement?! What kind of non-canon fodder is this?!

WhoBob: Green bolt of lightning? Are we sure Yoda is not some fucked up looking clone of Darth Sidious?

Slug: The dark side of the force is tempting me to make a very 2020-tier joke about venting.

She peered around the corner, but she couldn't see into the room. She could only see the doors and shadows. It looked like Obi-Wan was doing some possessed form of yoga.

OMJ: 

WhoBob: He’s doing yoga while being possessed? Obi-Wan’s mind must have been shattered after his master’s death.

She heard a sickening vertebrae pop when suddenly Yoda's shadow appeared right next to Obi-Wan's. It looked ominously more ferocious and larger than it usually did.

Jjs: Now this is a creepypasta!

OMJ: It’s just his big flappy bat ears. Move along, move along.

WhoBob: This fic went from a comedy heist to horror real quick.

Slug: The film Parasite is considered one of the greatest films for seamlessly transitioning from comedy in the first act to a thriller where one of the main characters goes on a killing spree in its final act. Well, guess what, Bong Joon-ho was just ripping off Scriptor Sapiens this entire time.

"Good evening, Master," came Obi-Wan's casual reply.

Jjs: This was a very missed opportunity for that line to be “Hello there.” Although this was years before that took off as a meme, so maybe forgiven.

Obi-Wan: What’s crackin

WhoBob: This is not the Casual Reply Friday Obi, you little cunt.

Slug: Obi-Wan when he’s interrogated about his secret revenge plot.

He obviously had no idea that Armageddon had officially arrived at his door, welcome-wagon in tow

Jjs: Michael Bay’s Armageddon exists in space?

OMJ: Armageddon outta here!

WhoBob: Not sure how I feel about introducing a new character this late into the story.

Slug: Yoda must’ve brought some explosive pies with him.

"WANT RAISE, DO YOU!" Yoda shrieked like a man on an acid trip.

WhoBob: I mean, he’s addicted to ketamine, what else did you expect?

Slug: Yoda’s been collecting drugs like they’re Pokemon cards.

"WELL, HERE'S YOUR RAISE! RAISED WELT YOU WILL HAVE, AND BE GREASE STAIN ON FLOOR YOU SHALL! USE YOUR BONES FOR BREAD I SHALL!"

Jjs: And so, we finally see this dark side of Yoda unleashed, years before videos like this would take off:

Say what you want about Scriptor Sapiens, but he was ahead of his time in his own way.

WhoBob: My theory of Yoda being a fucked up looking clone of Sidious is becoming more and more accurate.

OMJ:

Slug: This will be how Jeff Bezos negotiates with unions in a few years time.

"Master, what are you doing? Don't look at me that way, stop, HEL-!"

Jjs: Now Yoda besting Kenobi is something I can believe.

WhoBob: This is the blood I was looking for!

And there was a deafening KABOOM! And a sofa flew out into the hallway.

Jjs: NOT THE SOFA!

OMJ: Did somebody say BOOM?

WhoBob: Today, we mourn the loss of Sofa after the tragic incident in Obi-Wan's room.

Slug: Oppenheimer won’t have shit on this.

Several passing clones stopped to watch.

OMJ: WORLDSTAR WARS!

WhoBob: Makes sense. If I were mistreated by Jedis, I too would watch a Jedi beating another Jedi to death.

Slug: Order 66 foreshadowing.

From the shadows, Aayla could see Obi-Wan being reduced to a crumpled heap on the floor by various articles of furniture.

Jjs: The careless furniture destruction is a bigger tragedy than Order 66.

WhoBob: Worse than a hundred 9/11s.

Slug: In Mos Eisley this is called a Wednesday.

Occasionally there was the scattered "HELP!" from Obi-Wan, only recently it sounded more like a desperate whim than a cry.

OMJ: Jeez, way to make it sound like this went on for a month.

WhoBob: Jebus, Obi-Wan, get yourself together. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Slug: Tons of people have gathered to watch but none have dared to help. Obi-Wan must’ve developed crazy beef with everyone.

Yoda would merely howl, "SHUT UP!" like Emily Rose on steroids and silence him with another sofa.

Jjs: Scriptor Sapiens seemingly had a mysterious grudge against Emily Rose that many commentators have been unable to deduce the symbolism behind.

OMJ: God damn, that reference really dates this. Pun intended.

WhoBob: Another hate crime against a sofa. When will it stop?

Slug: This is how the Musk-Zuckerberg fight would’ve panned out if Musk didn’t pussy out.

Five minutes passed and you couldn't even distinguish Obi-Wan's form from the rest of the furniture. All the clone army had gathered to watch.

Jjs: Early sign of Order 66 with how the clones are getting off on this gruesome attempted murder.

WhoBob: This was not the bukkale I signed up for.

Slug: ALL of them? How big is this place, exactly?

Ventress herself was leaning against the doorjam, very much enjoying herself, like a kid at Christmas.

Jjs: You mean Life Day.

OMJ: Don’t fucking ruin one of the many good things to come out of Genndy’s Clone Wars.

WhoBob: Wait, when does this fic take place? Why is Ventress in Obi-Wan’s room?

Slug: Who let her into this place? This place is about as secure as a website asking for your social security number.

"Next time," she grinned, "I'll sell tickets."

Mr. Krabs: I’m losing money on this deal!

WhoBob: Thank god she has started up a legal business after how her master betrayed her and she went to do bounty hunting. We love that for her.

Slug: Not giving people wages and profiting off of misery. Capitalism really has prevailed.

Mace Windu walked down the hallway,

Jjs: Daring today with all these cameos, aren’t we?

Slug: With all these cameos you can’t say that Scriptor Sapiens hasn’t captured the spirit of Dave Filoni’s work.

and upon seeing the crowd gathered and the mayhem in Obi-Wan's room, charged in and wrestled a screaming Yoda into a straightjacket.

Jjs: I’m willing to suspend my disbelief, but no way can I believe Mace Windu one upped Yoda in combat. Utterly unreadable!

OMJ: I mean, Mace Windu came closer to beating The Senate than Yoda did.

WhoBob: Sure cuz that worked out so well last time.

Slug: I like the implication that Mace Windu always has a spare straightjacket with him just in case a time arises when it’s necessary.

Obi-Wan wasn't putting up much of a fight anymore. He looked more like a spoonful of raspberry gelatin than a Jedi master.

Jjs: Good luck trying to fit this into canon, Wookieepedia editors.

Slug: The important question here is if he tastes like that too.

"Ventress!" Windu screeched, holding a bellowing Yoda by the tied sleeves of the straightjacket. "Why didn't you intervene?"

Ventress: 

Slug: “Why didn’t the Axis just help the Allies in combat?”

"He looked like he was handling things," she smirked.

Slug: I like to assume she’s referring to Yoda here.

Mace Windu was about to unleash Doomsday Yoda on her,

Jjs: Is that what he calls it?

WhoBob: This DC/Star Wars mash up is not working out for me.

who was still kicking and screaming like a two-year old having a fit, when he stepped in something that looked horribly like Obi-Wan's gauntlet doused in jam.

Jjs: Windu contemplating if he should taste the jam or not.

Ventress looked down at it, and her pale complexion turned even paler.

OMJ: What, did the Force just create an entirely new shade on the color spectrum?

WhoBob: Maybe you should eat more stuff, Ventress. You can try Yoda’s cookies for example.

Slug: IDK if you’re one with the Dark Side you’ve probably seen this before.

"Ooh, that's bad. Can we get a medical droid? Like now? Before he soaks into the carpet? And maybe call the prison guard? Check to see if we have a solitary confinement room open."

Jjs: I don’t think that’ll confine Doomsday Yoda.

OMJ: Just put him in the Jedi Temple’s time out corner.

WhoBob: I vibe with Ventress’ way of not giving a shit. Girlboss move.

Slug: Isn’t she a villain, why is everyone treating her like she’s normal? Am I being gaslit or am I going crazy? Have I too been brought to insanity from a lack of cookies?

Kit sprinted toward his conspirator, his teeth scrubbed immaculately clean. "What did you do?"

WhoBob: Oh would you look at that? The writer didn’t completely forget that Kit was in this story.

"I told Yoda that Obi-Wan took the cookies."

"Don't you remember what happened when Master Windu was his Padawan and he took the cookies?"

Jjs: Biggest lore reveal: Windu previously stole the cookies and lived to tell the tale, damn.

OMJ: Not according to my google search

Not that it really matters because everything outside of Episodes I-VI and Genndy’s Clone Wars is complete, utter garbage but still.

WhoBob: Wait, this happened on more than one occasion? Maybe Yoda should tighten up his house security.

Slug: And now the padawan has bested their former master. What a lovely character arc Scriptor Sapiens has given us.

"Oh, yeah, I didn't think of that,"

OMJ: Should just make this modern day Star Wars’ new slogan at this point.

WhoBob: Now you are thinking of the risks of stealing his cookies? Cry me a river.

Slug: 

she muttered as the medical droid with a bulldozer end up front escorted what was left of poor Obi-Wan up to the medical bay.

A janitor walked behind it, mopping up whatever spilled to one side. As it turned the corner, something that looked like a leg rolled off and the janitor had to pick it up and replace it.

Jjs: Can't believe I didn't give this janitor an entry in One-Time Star Wars Characters.

OMJ:

WhoBob: Unlike Obi-Wan, I hope he gets a raise

Slug: That janitor is stronger than any Jedi master.

The congregation stood in stunned silence, all except Yoda. He was still screaming like a banshee.

Jjs:

WhoBob: Ketamine did so much irreparable damage to his brain, it’s sad to see him losing his shit

That's when the lovely men in white coats took him away in a padded golf cart.

Jjs: Golf carts IN SPACE!

WhoBob: How dare Jedis be able to play golf but not clones? This class privilege really is pissing me off.

Slug: Does the insane asylum have padded golf courses too?

Meanwhile, Anakin had strolled into the Jedi lounge, book in hand, followed by Ahsoka and Rex.

Jjs: I CLAPPED WHEN I SAW THEM!!!

OMJ: #NotMyShaakTi

WhoBob: This level of fanservice is making me uncomfy, dial it back.

Slug: 

They all sat down at the table and when Anakin put his feet up on the table, a tin rolled out from under the table and spilled all over the floor.

"Cool," Ahsoka smiled, picking up the contents. "Free cookies for everybody," she crowed.

Jjs: You don’t know how long those were under there. Does the galaxy not have the 5 second rule?

OMJ: Haha! Way to expose Ahsoka for the big, stupid, arm crossing, slack-jawed Doo Doo Head she really is! But also, are we to assume that The Force refilled that tin with more cookies?

WhoBob: And now everyone gets Yoda’s cookies? Okay, Filoni.

Slug: Communism has won.

"Hey, did you guys know what was going on?" Rex asked as he helped himself to a cookie as he read the obituaries. Not surprisingly, most of them consisted of Clone 223343, Clone 264, and such. "All the clones were gone from practice today."

WhoBob: I sense something disturbing.

"I don't know," said Anakin as he munched on a peanut butter cookie. "I was looking for Master Obi-Wan today, and I couldn't find him. All I found was this weird gunk that won't come off my shoe and smells like his cologne."

Jjs: Annie knows what Kenobi smells like?

OMJ: This portion of the riff is brought to you by “High Ground. Calvin Klein.”

WhoBob: I bet Maul is buying Kenobi’s cologne out of self hatred.

"And Master Yoda's missing too," piped up Ahsoka.

OMJ: Pipe down Ahsoka.

Ahsoka: 

Slug: 

"I was going to go ask him if I could go borrow some of his training droids."

Slug: I fear for those droids' safety tbh.

"I don't know," Rex said. "Everybody's been missing today. I haven't seen Kit or Aayla either. Hey, is anybody going to eat that last cookie?"

"Yes," said Anakin and with a quick snap, he Forced it into his mouth.

WhoBob: That’s…one way of putting it.

"What are these anyway?" he asked, picking up the tin and sitting down in the highest chair.

There was a loud POP! And Anakin's eyes crossed.

Jjs: The visuals and onomatopoeia usage in this story never failed to deliver at least.

OMJ: 

WhoBob: This is the moment when Anakin first tastes the dark side.

With a howl that was very reminiscent of the Pink Panther stepping on a tack,

Jjs: Pink Panther also exists in space.

WhoBob: Pink Panther in my STAR WARS? Man, Filoni fell hard.

Slug: Well that’s an incredibly random example to use.

Anakin leapt from the chair, trying to pull a mousetrap off his toga as he and Rex danced around anxiously like two rooster's fighting. Ahsoka leaned back in her chair as she read the tin. Her eyes popped out of their sockets as she read, 'Yoda's cookies, property of Yoda, do not touch, except for Yoda. Consequences are VERY severe!'

Jjs: Put those eyeballs back in your head, snips!

OMJ: The nerve of that poorly conceived character and her popping eyeballs for even existing.

WhoBob: They be like: 

"Guys…" she mumbled, sounding very small.

"Guys…" she whimpered.

Slug: This was released 2 years after The Clone Wars first premiered, you should know by now that Anakin won’t follow directions.

Suddenly, she heard some light padding coming from the hall and she dove under the table.

Yoda walked in, still shaking in rage. "IIII'mmmm oooookkkkayyyy," he was muttering to himself. "IIII aaammmm assss caaaallllmmmm asss ssooollllarr winndddss. III'mmm ooookkkkkayyyy-"

Jjs: Even when presumably drugged I doubt Yoda would lose his trademark speech pattern.

OMJ: Can this just end already. My commitment to this Star Wars genwunner bit is waning, much like this author’s commitment to Yoda’s dialogue.

WhoBob: Yoda not only entered his goblin mode, he entered his ketamine goblin mode…

Slug: Remember kids, legalized drugs can save lives.

And then his eyes fell upon the empty cookie tin, and Rex and Anakin dancing around, trying to get the mousetrap off his tush.

"Ssssoooooo," he hissed, deadly viper hiss.

Jjs: And now these two knuckleheads are going to find out what happens when you mess with Yoda’s cookies.

WhoBob: Yoda should have been the big baddie in the sequel trilogy. He really knows how to be a menacing villain.

As he began to stalk menacingly towards the two, Ahsoka crept out of the room like a mouse. As soon as the door shut behind her, she pulled out her com link and said, "Admiral, bring sparkling water, a straightjacket, and paramedics."

Yoda: Ooh, the Bubly, a little bit of!

FIN.

OMJ: Moral of the story: everything outside of Episodes I-VI and Genndy’s Clone Wars sucks. Dave Filoni sucks. Rebels especially sucks. Ahsoka sucks. Rian Johnson sucks. JJ Abrams sucks. Jon Favreau sucks. Current Lucasfilm sucks. Disney sucks. Just because you cop Genndy’s art style for your 3D animation, it doesn’t mean your cartoon will even come close. And just because you put a “THE” in the title, doesn’t make it THE Definitive Clone Wars experience. Genndy’s Clone Wars didn’t need a “THE” because Genndy’s Clone Wars didn’t need that kind of validation, nor was it insecure enough to overcompensate for anything to even warrant the “THE”. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I fear for this franchise going forward, especially with Dave Baloney being given the keys to a movie. No amount of the Force or midichlorians in this or any Galaxy could ever hope to stop this ship from sinking. And FACK Yoda’s Cookies and everything that they stand for, which is this junk food franchise and all the mindless secondary characters in life that consume it like junkies. 

WhoBob: This was truly a wild story I have read. Who would have thought Yoda would be this vile, this violent, this crazy? After consuming so much ketamine, driving over minorities with Honda Civic, working with Epstein up close to sex traffick Padawans to Jedis, genociding furries, not paying for child support and being a deadbeat dad to Grogu, you’d think his crimes cannot reach an all-time low but you couldn’t have been wrong. Beating an innocent Jedi to death and having to throw a tantrum over people stealing his cookies despite his house security being lazily built really shows how far he’s gone and it only sets up him exiling himself not because all his Jedi siblings are dead but because he possibly regrets his actions? Maybe that’s why he has become a lunatic old man in sewers in the original trilogy and not sure If I like this explanation for it but you cannot deny this fic was trying to say something. From mistreatment of brown people to incestious relationship to cycle of abuse and violence, you can tell Scriptor Sapiens really wanted this to stand out in Star Wars canon with sensitive and mature themes and while all these attempts may not have been in the best execution, you cannot deny this had far more ambition than what we are having with Star Wars these days. I hope everyone releases it. Rest in peace Obi-Wan.

Jjs: I hope you all learned a valuable lesson about not messing with Yoda’s cookies. I have to say, that list was too harsh by calling this one of the worst Star Wars fanfictions ever made. While the story is bizarre, it’s also simultaneously a compelling cautionary tale warning us not to steal someone’s treats and how even Yoda is fallible. It also wouldn’t feel out of place as a Robot Chicken Star Wars sketch. Following this, Scriptor Sapiens never quite found work again and seemingly retired from writing altogether after 2012. Where is he today? Perhaps in another galaxy. Hopefully he took his words to heart and is not stealing people’s cookies. C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me!

Next time we meet, we’ll be covering an infamous story from a certain equine community about another food.

Slug: Unfortunately, due to the critical condition of Master Obi-Wan, Disney has informed me that any future Star Wars content with Obi-Wan Kenobi has been canceled. However, there is something new that will be made that will almost certainly make up for it. I am excited to announce the latest Star Wars film to be released by Disney.

 

[Danny DeVito]

I feel like I'm going to get murdered reading these

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode V: Cupcakes

Spoiler

Jjs: Do you like ponies? Well many people on the internet do! SBC once loved ponies too, and while that time is long past, our influence persists to the rest of the internet to this very day. With how wild the brony community is, it’s only natural it’s produced many legends. But there’s one above all the others that lurks in the shadows and strikes fear into any brony’s heart when its name is whispered. I feel like even saying its name will get me assassinated, but it's simply called “Cupcakes.” I know you’re asking: what’s so terrifying about such an innocent sounding title about pastries? I’ll let the My Little Pony Fan Art Wiki (yes, that’s a thing) explain this infamous tale’s history as I can’t do it better:

“The story was written by Drecker Jones, under the pen name "Sergeant Sprinkles." He originally posted it on the /co/ board on 4chan, from where it quickly spread to other pony sites. "Cupcakes" has gained enough notoriety to garner it its own lengthy subpages on KnowYourMeme and TVTropes.

Jones has stated in a journal entry on his deviantART profile that he "never expected it to go any farther than sharing it on /co/." He calls it "the most infamous thing in the fandom," and that he's not sure what to think about its popularity.”

Thanks to my sources, we were able to obtain the original version of this story after an intense shootout and heist. Watch as the resident pony experts on SBC, Steel and SOF, put this through the analysis machine to judge if this truly is a blight on people’s childhoods and worthy of its infamy.

Steel: Here it is, Cupcakes, or as I would call it, ‘the boogeyman of the brony fandom.’ (Princess Molestia, 2021 Fedex shooting, and cum jar Rainbow Dash in the distance) Okay, the original boogeyman of the MLP fandom. If you have heard of the MLP fanfic Cupcakes, you’ve only heard awful, disturbing things about it. Then you go ahead and read it and you think to yourself…is this really what folks are so tensed up about? I was aware about Cupcakes around the same time I became aware of the bronies (thanks to, of course, Dragiiin sharing gory pics based on the fic on the SBC thread) and didn’t really try to think too much on it. I was sixteen and even then I already knew that Cupcakes was trollbait shock value fanfiction, so I wasn’t really feeling the hype surrounding the fic being a “childhood ruiner” when later fandom creations (i.e. the .MOV series, Smile HD) and as well as later fanfics taking inspiration from Cupcakes (i.e. Sweet Apple Massacre, Cheerliee’s Garden) would push the envelope with how far they can go with getting “grimdark,” so believe me when I say that Cupcakes is tame compared to other brony fandom-related horrors.

So here I am, 12 years later where the conversation surrounding Cupcakes should mostly be obscure by now. When Jjs announced this type of project for the riffing theater, I kinda/sorta/pretty much suggested Cupcakes right away to see if it is still disturbing today or just a strange afterthought, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do right now.

SOF: Hello folks, as one of the only MLP fans left on SBC I was basically contracted to do this one. I was also first made aware of Cupcakes due to Drag’s old thread mentioning it. I was unsure if this story actually existed or if it was one of his shitposts. I never read it back then due to how disturbing I’ve heard it is. Now I’m here to be brave for my last riff ever to see if it’s truly that horrific. Hopefully this is a fun note to go out on, but I already know I'll regret doing this one. 

The air was warm, the sun was shining, and all of Ponyville was having a glorious day. The town square was bustling and crowded. Busy ponies were making their busy way through the streets. All the pony folk seemed to have somewhere to be.

Steel: Exposition, exposition, exposition.

SOF: Maybe instead of busy bee, the expression should now be busy pony.

All, except Rainbow Dash. Her place was in the sky. She freely tore through the air, speeding one way and the next.

Steel: Surely Cloudsdale should have some sort of laws in place regarding that.

SOF: Dash will be 20% cooler after this.

She buzzed the tree tops and raced the wind. The pegasus swooped over a schoolyard, much to the delight of the children.

Steel: You know, this is really off to a pleasant start. It would be a shame if something really bad were to happen soon enough.

SOF: At least this story had the decency to start off sweet, so it’ll get one positive mark for this opening.

Climbing several hundred feet, she dove, going as fast as she could. Seconds before hitting the ground, her wings flew open and she took off back into the clear blue. Rainbow felt alive.

Steel: But she won’t be alive for long, hint hint, wink wink, chortle chortle.

SOF: I can’t hear your foreshadowing over Dash’s flying, Steel!

Then she remembered that she had somewhere to be; she supposed to meet with Pinkie Pie in five minutes. She’d gotten so caught up in her exercises that she nearly forgot.

Steel: She was so busy breaking the sound barrier that she forgot all about the organ harvest, and now she’s really going to kill her for sure if she was late.

SOF: At Dash’s speed, those five minutes will feel like a millisecond, so don't worry.

Pinkie had asked Dash to meet her at Sugercube Corner at three. She didn’t say why or what they’d be doing, but Dash knew that with Pinkie, it could be anything.

SOF: That really narrows it down.

Steel: I know Pinkie is one for surprises, but the fact that she gave no details about this meeting should be a huge red flag for Dashie.

She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to go, though. She was so engaged with her stunts that she thought about blowing Pinkie off to continue flying.

Steel: To be fair, Rainbow Dash probably has no other choice. Pinkie would probably weaponize the fourth wall to erase the sky from existence if she found out that stubborn pegasus ditched her to goof off once again.

But, Dash’s conscience got the better of her. She knew that it would hurt Pinkie’s feelings; after all, she said it was going to be something special just for the two of them. She considered it and thought “why not.” What did she have to lose? Heck, it might be more pranking.

SOF: As tvtropes would say, this is Tempting Fate.

Pinkie might have found a bunch more fun stuff to pull off on folks.

SOF: Didn’t know Doug Ford was stopping by for a cameo.

They’d so much fun the last time. Dash kicked it into overdrive,

Steel: It’s a good thing she remembered the turbo.

mostly to make for lost time, and sped to her appointment.

When she walked into the store, she was immediately greeted with her host bouncing in excitement.

“Yay, you’re here, you’re here. I’ve been waiting allll day.” Said the jumping pony.

Steel: ‘I will wait for you’ she said endlessly.

SOF: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, DASH!

“Sorry if I’m a little late, Pinkie. I was doing my afternoon exercises and lost track of time.” Dash apologized.

SOF: Easy to do when you’re faster than time itself.

Pinkie giggled and responded, her tone gleefully reassuring, “Oh that’s ok, you’re here now. What‘s a few more minutes. I’ve been sooooo excited thinking about all fun stuff we’re gonna do, I haven’t stopped bouncing since I woke up. I mean, I almost forgot to breath I’ve been so happy.”

Steel: She’s so happy she’s dedicated half of her entire day impersonating a rubber ball.

SOF: Did Pinkie inhale some helium?

Dash gave a slightly uncomfortable laugh. She always appreciated Pinkie’s friendly, outgoing way of life, but her overabundant enthusiasm almost creeped her out. Dash was polite, however. If Pinkie was got this worked up, then it must good; whatever it was.

“So, you ready to get started, Rainbow Dash? I’ve got everything all ready.” The pink one said.

Steel: Yes, ‘the pink one,’ I am all ears.

SOF: Dang, I would’ve never guessed Pinkie Pie is pink.

Dash psyched herself up. “ You betcha, Pinkie. You what do ya got planed? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about.

Steel: Rainbow Dash - KILLING TWILIGHT’S BEST FRIEND PRANK [GONE WRONG]

SOF: Get high on helium?

Or maybe you got some stunts you think I should try? Or maybe…”

“MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced.

Steel: She’s going to be firing up the Kupcake-inator for this one.

SOF: Baking with Pinkie Pie. Would’ve made a good short series, now that I think about it.

“Baking”? Dash was disappointed.

Steel: No Dash, she said ‘Making.’ It’s all good.

“Pinkie, you know I’m not good baking. Remember the last time?”

Pinkie: How could I ever forget, Dashie? You can’t get baked if you don’t got the good stuff!

Dash: Let’s just say Rainbooms don’t mix well with flour.

“Oh that’s not a problem at all. I only need your help making them. I’ll be doing most of the work.” Pinkie explained.

SOF: Sounds like a sweet deal for Dash.

Dash thought for about it for a second and replied, “Well, alright, I guess that’s ok. What exactly do need me to do”?

Steel: The first thing Pinkie would need you to do is to work on your own grammar.

“That’s the spirit. Here you go.” Pinkie handed Dash a cupcake.

Dash was puzzled “I thought I was helping you bake.”

SOF: It's payment for your service.

“You will be. I made this one just for you before you got here.

“So, is this like taste testing or something?”

“Sorta” Pinkie said.

SOF: I'll go with "something."

Pinkie: Yep, just an ordinary cupcake with no anesthesia laced inside it or anything.

Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad.

“Ok, now what?” Dash asked.

Pinkie: Nothing, now get out!

Dash: I think I’ll have another!

“Now,” Pinkie informed “You take a nap.”

Upon hearing that, Dash felt lightheaded. Her world spun and ,seconds later, she dropped to the floor.

SOF: Now Pinkie knows to not use that recipe again. Taste test is a success! Although maybe not for Dash.

When Dash regained conciseness,

Steel: As far as I’m concerned, there isn’t anything that’s ‘concise’ to RD at this point in time.

she found herself in a dark room.

SOF: Did this story run out of budget already?

She tried to shake her head but found that the taut leather strap kept it firmly in place. She struggled to move, but the braces around her chest and limbs glued her to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks, which spread her legs wide apart. Dash's wings were the only part of her not tied town, and they fluttered frantically while she struggled to escape. As she writhed, Pinkie jumped into her line of sight.

SOF: Cupcake bakers in Equestria have strange techniques.

“Goodie, you’re awake. Now we can get started.” She gleefully stated. She was pushing a cart covered with a cloth.

Pinkie: Surprise, it’s a body bag!

SOF: The dungeon is a weird place to have your kitchen. That violates a lot of health guidelines.

“Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said in a worry.

“Well, duh, you’re tied down.” Pinkie chided “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you needed to told that.”

Steel: Thanks for the exposition, pink one.

SOF: But how is she gonna bake without moving? This is one odd initiation and I know it’s only gonna get odder.

“But why? What’s happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes.”

“You are helping. You see. I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more.”

SOF: Those ingredients being sugar, spice and everything nice.

“Special ingredient”? Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient”?

Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly.”

SOF: Four heaping pounds of freshly grounded…RAINBOW DASH!?

Dash’s eyes widen, her face contorted in fear. Then she started to laugh ”Woo, really got me there, Pinkie pie. I mean, tricking me in to thinking I’m gonna get made to a cupcake. I gotta tell you, this the best prank yet. You win, you’re the best.“

Pinkie: Well, actually, I’m just gonna eat you. See you at dinner!

SOF: If this is a prank, Pinkie sure is committed all the way to it.

Pinkie giggled even more. “Aw, thanks Dash. But I haven’t done pranks today, so I can’t accept your praise.”

SOF: Can you at least accept her praise over your poisoned cupcake baking skills?

Dash was struggling again. “Pinkie, come on, this isn’t funny.”

Pinkie: Oh yeah, and you know what else isn’t funny? NOT EATING ANY OF MY FUCKING PIES!

“Then why were you laughing”? Pinkie grabbed the cloth and whipped it off the cart. The top of the tray contained various sharp medical tools and knives carefully organized and ready. There was a medicine bag and several other objects next to them.

Steel: The medicine bag must be where Pinkie keeps her drugs.

SOF: I must have missed the MLP episode where Pinkie became a certified surgeon.

Dash was now in full panic mode. She was starting to hyperventilate. Her mind was racing and she tried to reason with the pink pony. “You can’t do this Pinkie! I’m your friend!”

Rainbow Dash: And I’ve got plenty more cliche horror victim one-liners where that came from!

Pinkie Pie: That’s what you deserve for being five minutes late, you bitch!

“I know you are and that’s why I’m so happy it’s that I’ve got you here. We get to share your last moments together, just you and me.” She was skipping again.

Steel: And no brick wall to build between them? Some friendship.

SOF: Does this mean there was a bomb in that cupcake?

“But, the other ponies will wonder where I am. When the clouds pile up, they’ll come looking for me and then you’ll get found out.” Dash was desperate.

“Oh, Dash” Pinkie said “don‘t worry, there are plenty of pegasus to take care of a few clouds. And besides, no will find out. I mean, how long do you think I’ve been doing this?”

SOF: Pinkie is apparently a criminal mastermind now. Sure, why not?

And with that the lights suddenly came to life and showcased the rest the room.

“Oh god, no” Dash reeled in horror at the image presented to her.

Steel: But unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, there is no God. Only Pinkie Pie.

The room was decorated with a typical but twisted Pinkie Pie flair. Colorful streamers of dried entrails danced around the ceiling, brightly painted skulls of all sizes were stuck on the walls, and organs done up in pastels filled with helium tied to the backs of chairs.

SOF: There’s proof she actually did inhale helium earlier!

The tables and chairs were made of bones and flesh of past ponies. Dash cringed at the center piece on the table nearest to her. The heads of four foals, their eyes closed like they were sleeping, wearing party hats made from their own skin. She recognized one of them as Apple Bloom’s classmate. Her eyes darted back and forth and then gazed up at the patchwork banner hanging from the rafters. Made from several pony hides, the words “Life is a party” were scrawled in red.

Pinkie: That’s right, Dashie, I’m the Zodiac Killer!

SOF: All her life Pinkie thought her life was a party, but it’s actually a horror movie.

Dash’s attention was stolen by a party horn unfurling and tickling her nose. She saw Pinkie Pie standing in front of her. The party pony was wearing a dress quilted from cutie marks. On her back fluttered six pegasus wings, all different colors. As she skipped in excitement, her necklace of unicorn horns loudly clacked together.

SOF: I also missed the MLP episode where Pinkie became a fashion designer.

“Like it”? She asked “I made it myself.”

Pinkie: I started working on the decor when I killed my first pony back in December 2006…

SOF: Arts and Crafts with Pinkie is another cool shorts idea.

Dash pleaded. “Pinkie please, I’m sorry if I did anything to you. I didn’t mean it. Please let me go. I promise I won’t tell anybody.”

Pinkie: ‘Anybody?’ Did you mean ‘anypony?’ If by anybody, then what do you mean by that? WHO ELSE DO YOU KNOW!?

“Oh Dash, you didn’t do anything. It’s just that your number came up and, well, I don’t make rules. We can’t turn back now.”

SOF: If you don’t make the rules, who does? Is she not the mastermind? You can't leave us that crumb of foreshadowing!

Rainbow Dash was tearing up. How could this be happening?

Rainbow Dash: I knew I shouldn’t have subjected myself to the plot device of being five minutes late!

“Aww don’t be sad Dash” Pinkie said “Look this’ll cheer you up. I brought you a friend.”

Out of seemingly nowhere, Pinkie displayed a blue and yellow painted skull. It was about pony sized, but it had a very defining feature: a beak.

Steel: From what I can make out of that detail, I can confirm that this is definitely…a bird skull.

SOF: Good to know Pinkie’s murderous rampage isn’t pony specific.

Dash was freaking out. “Is…is that…is…that?”

“Hey, Dash lets hang together. These ponies are lame-os. Dweebs dweebs dweebs.” Pinkie mimicked.

Steel: Well, I think she could’ve put a little more effort in that Gilda impression.

SOF: Does she mimic all of her victims?

“I caught her right before she left town. Remember when I left the party for about twenty minutes? That wasn’t enough time to play with her of course, I had to wait till after the party to do that. But boy am I glad I did. It was worth for the flavor alone. Griffons taste like two animals at once, it’s amazing.

Pinkie: Although that is because she IS two animals at once. That’s what made Gilda a one-of-a-kind ingredient for my patent-pending animalistic flesh cupcakes.

I know she didn’t have number like everyone else in Ponville,

Steel: Ponville? Never heard of it. That must be where the highest grade of peoples’ flesh is from.

SOF: The way she keeps talking about numbers makes me think they have numbers branded on them in addition to their cutie marks.

but when was I gonna get another chance to try a griffon.I hindsight, I probably should have asked where she came from so I can get more, but I forgot.

Pinkie: In some place called Griffonstone, I heard there lives an orphan kid named Gallus. Rumors say that orphans have the tastiest flesh.

SOF: At least that’s one genocide off the menu.

I’ll tell you what though, she was quite the fighter. Lasted a long time, which was fun for me, I got chance to play with somebody other than a pony and try new things. It’s too bad she had such a potty mouth. She said so much bad stuff, I had to take her tongue out.

Pinkie: Usually, soap would do a dirty mouth good, but even she was too powerful for that stuff.

You know, bad language makes for bad feelings, Dash.”

Dash didn’t have anything to say. She just sobbed and writhed.

Steel: Oh no, did she already cut her tongue off too?

SOF: I don’t even know how to respond to that either, relatable.

“Well” Pinkie said, putting the skull down” that’s enough reminiscing, it’s time to begin.”

SOF: Hold on there, I’m not ready yet, I still don’t know how to make cupcakes!

She picked up a scalpel and walked over to Dash’s right flank. Without any flair, she placed the blade an inch above her cutie mark and started a circular cut around it. Her lungs working overtime, Dash shouted in pain and tried desperately to pull away. But the braces held her still. Finishing the incision, Pinkie grabbed the curved skinning knife from the tray. She worked it under the skin and sliced the hide away from the muscle. Dash ground her teeth as she tearfully watched as her flesh came off. Pinkie then moved to the other side and completed the other flank. Once she was done, Pinkie held up both cutie marks in front of her friend and started waving them like pompoms. Dash just whimpered. Her thighs burned.

Pinkie: This will be my snack that I’ll save for later. Pony skin tastes really good on its own, you know.

SOF: …okay, what the fuck?

Placing the skin down, Pinkie selected the large butcher knife and walked behind Rainbow Dash.

Steel: Wow, she went from delicately skinning parts of her friend to taking her straight to the butcher shop.

“Hope you don’t mind, I think I’m gonna wing it now. “ Pinkie laughed.

Pinkie: And I’m not talking about chicken wings!

She grabbed the left one and played with it for a second. Then, stretching the wing out, she brought the blade down at the base. Instantly, Dash screamed and thrashed her appendage. The movement threw off Pinkie Pies aim. She tried to hit the mark again but missed wide and put a huge slice in Rainbow’s back.

“Dash, you gotta stay still or I’ll keep missing.”

Pinkie: What am I to you, a Stormtrooper?

SOF: If you stay still, I’ll finally teach you one cupcake baking tip.

She took another whack and hit the target. She swung again and again, blood spraying into the air, but realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. The blade just wasn’t going through the bone.

Pinkie: Rainbow Dash you jitterbug, how am I supposed to donate all your blood to the black market bakery now?

SOF: Maybe Pinkie isn’t the criminal mastermind or surgeon I thought she was.

“Hmm, I guess I forgot to sharpen it. I’ll try something else.”

Pinkie: My wing-and-pony-head guillotine should do the trick!

She stated as she tossed the knife over her shoulder; the blade embedding itself in the table.

SOF: Still sharp enough to get stuck in the table. Maybe that knife has a mind of its own.

The crying Rainbow Dash heard the sound of a metal box opening and closing.

Steel: Symbolizing her greatest fear of metal boxes.

“Got it! Say Dash, why do they call it a hack saw?

Steel: Because it’s a fan-made saw not licensed by Nintendo?

It doesn’t hack; hacking is what I was doing with the knife. This is a saw. I don’t get it.”

SOF: But it’s your job to get the joke! This is the most out of character part of this story.

Pinkie placed the tool over the last attempt. It effortlessly sailed through the bone and skin.

The painful feeling of the teeth grinding biting into her made Dash want to vomit. She watched helplessly as her wing flew over her head and land with a fluff on the table.

SOF: Today I learned you can remove pegasus wings like they’re LEGO pieces.

Steel: Although the removal process delivers the same amount of pain you get from stepping on a LEGO piece.

Pinkie moved the next and started sawing. Dash didn’t struggle this time;

Steel: Pinkie must’ve removed all of Dash’s pain receptors by this point.

she’d given up trying to fight and just cried. Then the sawing abruptly paused. Pinkie was only half way done, the wing hanging off by only a sliver.

SOF: You could say Pinkie did a half-baked job.

“Hey Dash” she piped up “think fast”

Suddenly, she yanked the wing as hard as sure could. The bone snapped but the skin held tight. The pull ripped a long strip flesh down Dash’s back to her rump.

Steel: My LIttle Pony Skin Theory writers, take notes.

The unexpected trauma caused her body seize. She felt the warm release between legs as her pelvis tensed up. Dash’s loud, unending melody of pain filled the room. Unable to catch her breath, she blacked out.

Steel: Boy I sure hope horse piss doesn’t happen to be one of the special ingredients for those cupcakes.

SOF: Is there anyone upstairs waiting on their cupcake orders while this is going on?

She awoke with a gasp. The stench of her urine filled her mucus caked nostrils. She saw a very pouty Pinkie Pie removing the adrenaline needle from her chest. Stomping her hooves, the frustrated Pinkie lashed out.

Steel: I’d be mad too with all this blood and piss everywhere except in the mixing bowl, or at least if I were a deranged pink pony.

SOF: No cupcakes for you if you keep pouting and stomping!

“Didn’t anybody teach you any manners? It’s very rude to fall asleep when somebody invites you over to spend time with them.

Steel: None of us asked, but thanks for the lecture I suppose, Pinkie the homicidal maniac.

How would like if I came over to your house and went to sleep. “Oh I’m sorry Dash, you’re boring, I think I’ll take a nap.”

Steel: Zzzzz…oh sorry, did you say something?

You think I like always doing this by myself. I told you how excited I got when I found you were next. I was excited to have to a friend be here with me while I worked. But NOOOOO! You’ve got to be inconsiderate.

Steel: I’d be inconsiderate too if I was suddenly told that I would contribute to making tiny pastries by having my organs harvested.

You know, I thought you were tough, I thought you could handle anything. I’ve had foals stand up better than you. Do I have to baby you? Huh? Is that how you want me to remember you, as a baby?”

Pinkie: Baby want a bottle!? A big dirt bottle!?

SOF: I could legit imagine the Joker saying this.

She stopped to catch her breath.

Steel: Dash’s reluctance made Pinkie so angry that she had to force herself to take a break.

Dash blinked and softly cried. Her back was on fire.

Pinkie then popped something red into her mouth and began to chew. She noticed Dash was staring at her.

“What?” she asked. “Oh this?” Holding up another piece. “Well, while YOU were asleep, I got a little impatient and helped myself sample. I got it from your leg, you’re not bad. Wanna try some”?

Steel: Thanks but no thanks. I’m on a strict non-pony flesh diet.

SOF: No thank you, my appetite died many sentences ago.

Without waiting for a response, she shoved the strip of meat into the revolted Rainbow Dash’s mouth. She immediately spit it out.

Pinkie: You know what they say about how you are what you eat?

SOF: It’s not tainted meat, it’s painted meat!

Pinkie picked up. “if you didn’t want it, you could have said no.” She then ate the discarded snotty morsel. “It’s not like you haven’t had it before.”

Swallowing, she turned her attention to the small can on the tray. She removed the lid, revealing that it was filled with burning coals.

SOF: Clearly the coal she gets for Hearth’s Warming.

Steel: Good to know that Equestria’s equivalent to Santa has no position in catching criminals but still knows well enough about Pinkie’s misdeeds to give her naughty pony gifts.

Sitting on top of the fire were several large nails. Dash began to panic again. Pinkie picked up the can and walked over to Dash’s left. Carefully picking up a nail and grabbing a hammer, she positioned the spike at the seam between her leg and her hoof.

“No! Pinkie NO!” Dash screamed. “NO! NO!”

Pinkie: Be still this time or I’ll make glue out of you instead!

SOF: Those are some strong soundproof walls if nobody in the bakery above can hear those screams.

The hammer came down and the nail punctured under her skin. The white hot burning was too much. Dash pulled and thrashed at the brace, her skin rubbed and tore. Pinkie tried to line up another one, but couldn’t find her aim. She let out a frustrated grunt. When she pulled the hammer back to take a wild swing, Dash burst out crying and begging.

“PLEASE STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!”

SOF: Does anyone out there actually like pony torture fics? Anyone? I don't have another riff so asking now.

Steel: I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the brony fandom does have an audience for “Rainbow Dash Torture Porn.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes. Putting hammer back down, she walked back in front of her friend. She stared pensively at the broken pegasus. Gilda didn’t even cry this much when she stuck that live parasprite down her throat.

Steel: Gilda took the body mutilation like a real champion. She would’ve been more well-suited for the Wonderbolts than Dash could.

Pinkie thought for a minute about what to do next. Then there was a sudden spark in her imagination.

Steel: When in doubt, just stuff your stubborn pegasus friend in the Kupcake-Inator.

She grabbed the gear wheel on the rack and laid Rainbow Dash on her back.

Rainbow Dash: Oh hey, my back feels better now!

She moved to Dash’s hind legs, bringing the can with her. Pinkie picked up the hammer again and she drove a searing piece of metal into the bottom of Dash’s hoof. Dash screamed again: Pinkie put one into the other hoof. Next she located the small generator on the tray. Tying the copper wires to the nails, she gave Dash a wink and flipped the switch.

SOF: I also apparently missed the MLP episode where Pinkie became a mad scientist.

Steel: Even Chemist Bob would be scared to death by Pinkie the serial killing pastry chef.

Electricity rocketed through Dash’s body.

Pinkie: So, you didn’t want to help me make cupcakes after all, huh? How shocking.

The blue pony reacted immediately; body seized, muscles struck taut. Her hips thrust skyward and her eyes rolled back. She let out a deep, throat shredding cry. Pinkie giggled and danced in place.

Pinkie: Hey Dashie, you know how you’ve always said that you wanted to be a Wonderbolt?

She turned up the juice. Dash convulsed uncontrollably. Her bladder emptied once more. After about five minutes, Pinkie shut off the power.

SOF: Pinkie exceeded the bakery's electricity usage.

The area smelled lightly of cooked flesh and burnt enamel. She put Dash upright again and tried snap the delirious and drooling pony to back to attention.

“Dash. Daaash. Wake up.” Rainbow Dash managed to give her a modicum of weak acknowledgment.

SOF: I refuse to believe she survived all of that.

Pinkie reached into the medicine bag and produced and large syringe. “Alright, time for the last round”

Dash looked at the needle and Pinkie took that as a question as to what it was.

“Something to take the pain away” she informed as she walked around to Dash’s ruined back side. She stuck the needle into the lower part of her spine. Dash flinched.

Steel: After all of that, she now decides to make it painless? But then again, who am I to question the logic of a delusional Pinkie Pie?

SOF: Laughter really is the best medicine.

Coming to the front again, she told her friend, “In a few minutes, you won’t be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you’ll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest.”

Dash started to cry again. “Pinkie” she trembled out.

“Yeah?”

Rainbow Dash: Deez nuts!

“I want to go home.” Dash openly sobbed.

Steel: There, she said it! She said the classic overdone horror one-liner that I’ve been waiting to see over the course of this story. There’s nothing else to see now besides RD’s sweet release of death.

SOF: So do I, but we all can’t get what we want in this fucked up story.

“Yeah, I can see wanting to do that.” The party pony replied. “Sometimes, I just wanna give up, say “I’m done with this mess” and go to bed. But you know what; you can’t shrug off your responsibilities. You got to pull yourself up and meet the challenges head on. That’s to the only way you’re gonna get ahead in life.”

Steel: You know, while I’m here just to make jokes, I have to give the story credit for how eerie it is to see Pinkie show her true self in this paragraph.

SOF: Is that her motto for making cupcakes?

Dash cried.

SOF: This is what tvtropes would call a Tearjerker. 

Minutes passed and the drug took affect. Dash was numb from her chest to her flanks. Aware of this, Pinkie approached with her scalpel. With only a smiling glance to Dash, she made a long cut across her pelvis just above her crotch. Moving up her body, she drew a similar incision under her ribs. One final cut was made down her stomach, connecting the first two.

“Looks like I got my I on you, Dash.”

Steel: Which ‘I’ exactly? You’ve got three of them in your own name.

SOF: I I, captain.

With a moist, gooey sound, the new door flapped opened. The sight of her own organs and the lack of feeling caused Dash’s breathing to intensify. Pinkie sliced open the abdominal sac and grabbed the large intestines. Separating it from the rest of the digestive tract and pulling them from the forming cavity, Pinkie was getting jovial and starting making jokes.

Pinkie: I didn’t want to make this joke too intestinal but I figured it would be easier to digest it that way.

Dash, growing weaker from the new source of blood loss, tried to shut out the comedy act. Pinkie was laughing.

“Look at me, I’m Rarity!” she said, slinging the tube around her neck and spreading blood in all directions. “Isn’t my new scarf soooo pretty”?

Steel: If Rarity was here to witness, she would call that a wearable hate crime.

SOF: Mocking Rarity is easily the worst thing Pinkie has done in this entire story, too far!

Reaching back in, she cut the smaller intestine off the bowls. Squeezing out the excess excrement,

Pinkie: It’s no wonder you’ve got a potty mouth, Rainbow Dash, it’s because you’re full of shit!

Pinkie filed it through her teeth and dragged it back and forth. “Dentists say you gotta floss every day, Dash.”

Steel: I don’t think that means they actually recommend flossing with your small intestine.

SOF: It's good Pinkie cares about Dash's dental hygiene in her final moments. Maybe she's still her true friend.

Rainbow Dash was barely aware of what was going on anymore. The shock was causing her to fade. Pinkie got disappointed. Diving back into the guts, she ramped up her routine.

SOF: With how awful this has already been, I'm scared to see her “ramping it up.”

“Aw, don’t go yet Dash.” She started pulling out the rest of the organs, stopping at each one. “I know I can be a real painaceas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.”

Steel: I can’t believe you had the gall to say all that.

SOF: Boo!

She placed the discarded body parts into a bucket, keeping the last one for bit longer. “Ooo, bagpipes.” she said, placing the tube in her mouth and the organ in her armpit. A spurt of acid hit her tongue. ”Eww. Oh hey, there’s your cupcake, Dash.”

Steel: Does she do this every time she takes out that organ from her victims?

SOF: I still don’t know how to make cupcakes. Worst mentorship ever.

Dash, didn’t hear her. She had slipped from conciseness minutes ago.

Steel: I’d say it’s been about an hour since she lost ‘conciseness’ but proceed.

Pinkie, not satisfied yet, hit her with another adrenaline shot. Dash woke up for the last time, her heart jumping. Her blood flowed out faster; it wouldn’t be long now.

SOF: Just put her out of her misery.

Pinkie put Dash on her down her back and straddled her chest, scalpel at the ready.

“Ya know, Rainbow Dash, I’m disappointed. I thought you would have lasted longer. I really wanted to spend more time with you before we got here. But I guess it’s my fault, I should have taken it a little slower. Oh well, it was really was nice knowing you, Dash”.

SOF: This section has already felt like it took an eternity, so I don’t wanna imagine it being “slower.”

The blade sunk into the blue one’s throat and worked its way up her chin. Coming back down, it circled around her neck. The last thing Dash felt was her skin being cut away from her skull, the metal scraping her teeth.

SOF: I don’t think that’s what Pinkie meant by flossing your teeth.

Steel: She happens to floss with a small intestine so…

Then she was gone.

Steel: May she rest in cupcakes.

Pinkie Pie stared into the mirror. She did a really good job, even keeping the eyelids. She winked, Dash winked back.

Steel: That’s some spooky ventriloquism there. Gave me chills.

Pinkie smiled.

SOF: I sighed.

But still, she was sad that her friend was now gone. It only lasted fifty minutes,

Steel: I thought it’d be an hour, but hey, I was close.

SOF: Impressive surgeon skills if it was “only” fifty minutes.

not nearly as long as she wanted. She looked back the cadaver hanging there in the center of the room, the last of its fluids draining in to the pan. Yup, no more Rainbow Dash.

Steel: We got the gist a few paragraphs ago.

Then Pinkie cocked her head.

Steel: Never knew she was half-cockatrice.

SOF: I’m sorry but “cock” is the last word I need to see in this story right now.

She was starting to take notice of the fact that there really wasn’t that much damage.

Steel: Tell that to the crime scene investigation team.

“It fact”, she began to think “I think….” An idea exploded in her head.

Steel: It exploded so much that it destroyed her nerves and then she died. The end.

SOF: 

She was good at sewing and she had all the pieces, all she had to do put her back together.

SOF: Might be tricky without the instruction manual.

Yeah, just get some stuffing and bingo,

Steel: Not Bingo from Bluey!

she’d have Rainbow Dash forever.

Steel: Meanwhile in Ponyville…

Twilight: Hey, has anypony seen Rainbow Dash?

SOF: If you were just going to put her back together, then there was no point in killing her. Thanks for wasting our and the customers' time!

In fact, that’s what she’d do for all her friends when their numbers came up. She was so excited, she skipped over to the body with the skinner to get started. The cupcakes can wait; Pinkie had a friend to make.

SOF: I’m not sure who I feel most bad for right now: Dash or the customers.

Steel: I also feel bad for the cupcakes.

Silver Spoon suddenly woke up.

Steel: Oh hey, we’re already transitioning to the story’s non-existent sequel hook.

SOF: Oh hi, welcome to the end of the story. Add her to the list.

She was on her back and couldn’t move. She couldn’t see. Where was she? Freaking out, she was just about to scream when the pony from the bakery appeared in front of her.

SOF: Ouch, Silver Spoon doesn’t recognize Pinkie as anything more than “the pony from the bakery."

“HI!” she giggled

“Where am I? ... what’s going on”? The frightened little foal asked.

SOF: Trust us, you don’t wanna know.

“Oh, well, you see, your number came up and I gotta make cupcakes.” Pinkie explained.

“W… wha… what does that mean? What are you talking about”?

SOF: The title of the story and I assume what you were ordering. But if I tried to summarize this story to someone, they’d also likely respond with “What are you talking about” so maybe it’s fitting.

“Oh, nothing. I wouldn’t worry it if I was you. It’ll be over soon.”

SOF: Thank Celestia!

She approached the girl, scalpel at the ready when a small voice called out from behind.

“Miss Pinkie, what do you think you are doing”?

Steel: So much for being discreet.

SOF: Highly unethical and fucked up shit, you?

She paused and turned to look at Apple Bloom.

SOF: Should have the entire cast appear with all these sudden last minute appearances.

The yellow baby pony walked up to her with an angry look on her face.

SOF: Mood.

Silver Spoon started to feel relived.

Steel: Relived? It’s just too bad she won’t be able to live after this painstaking process she’s going to be experiencing.

“Ah can’t believe you're doin' this.” She pouted. ”you said this one was gonna be mine."

Steel: You should let her do her job. Lest your number comes up before you get your own cutie mark.

Pinkie apologized. “Oops, sorry about that, guess it got forgot. Here you go.” She handed the blade over.

SOF: Apple Bloom was the mastermind all along? I always did have my suspicions about her…

Apple Bloom climbed on the table and stood over her prey. Silver Spoon tried to struggle. She stared in fear at Apple Bloom and her apron. The pink apron with a shiny tiara on it. Silver Spoon started to cry.

SOF: It’s okay, there’s only one sentence left.

Apple Bloom grinned and opened her mouth “Hey, Silver Spoon, guess who gonna be a blank flank”?

Steel: 

Clearly, this fic isn’t for the faint of heart. As disturbing as this story was, you can pretty much tell that it at least worked in what it was going for because if there’s anything worse than a decently competent horror story, it’s a really badly written one (I’ve witnessed one too many a bad creepypasta in my time, including Sonic.exe, along with knowing about some of the other disturbing MLP fics I’ve previously mentioned). And you know, I’m not going to shy away from saying that Cupcakes entertained me in such a bizarre way that I got some enjoyment from riffing it. But again, as a story meant to generate shock value, it was already lost on me from all the folks that cried wolf over how much Cupcakes ruined their childhood (or rather young adolescence) perception of MLP and one of the characters, and I’ve seen my fair share of depictions of certain childhood media pieces temporarily tarnish my perception of them in worse ways than a fanfic without visuals could. When I first read this fic, I came out pretty disturbed, but not so very shocked, which explains some of my apathy towards Cupcakes. In the end though, it’s a horror story that does a good enough job. In fact, one of my other gripes with it would be the occasional grammar mistakes.

I didn’t think that this would be the last thing I would contribute to Jjs’ Riffing Theater for, but it has been a wild ride after all these years. I don’t have a lengthy eulogy planned for this series, so…this is Steel Sponge signing off.

SOF: This is the worst MLP fic I’ve ever read, it's truly a bad one that should remain locked away. I did have some fun not taking it seriously, but it was still a painful read. At least the opening was nice though. I don’t think I’ll be eating any cupcakes for a while, and I sadly still don’t know how to make any. What a rip-off. Anyways, thanks for having me and I’m satisfied with that as my final riff. Happy 10 year anniversary, JRT!

Jjs: Well I know what moral I’ve taken away from this tale: I’m certainly gonna think twice before purchasing any cupcakes. Maybe that’s what Drecker Jones wants us to walk away from with this, and I can respect that. Thanks Steel and SOF for putting this legend to bed.

The next tale we’ll be taking a look at is the alleged worst music fanfiction ever. Is it? Find out next time.

 

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode VI: Snoop Dogg Watches a YouTube Video

Spoiler

Jjs: Music is a powerful art form that comes in many different forms and has various meanings to listeners, much like literature. It’s to be expected people would write musical fanfiction, too. One of these in particular though really struck a nerve with someone. First published on April 16th, 2012 by user witapepsi, the story “Snoop Dogg Watches a YouTube Video" was released to a handful of moderately positive reviews:

But not all would find this story charming. On October 29th, 2013, Drew Ailes of The Riverfront Times published a list of what he perceived to be the worst music fanfictions of all time:

https://www.riverfronttimes.com/music/six-terribly-upsetting-and-erotic-musical-fan-fiction-stories-illustrated-2662800

Drew denounces this as the number one worst music fanfiction of All Time, utterly bewildered by the story. Quote:

“Snoop Dogg comes home to feed his dog, Charles Barkley, and to update his Twitter. He clicks on a news link to a Japanese pop star named Hatsune Miku -- an anime vocal synthesizer thing that is 100 percent real. At the end of the story, Snoop Dogg cries and says, "Welcome back, Tupac." There is no explanation, and I have no words.”

Yep, we’re looking at another innovative crossover fic. Is this tale truly a heinous insult to the music genre, worthy of scorn from even the great music critics like Todd and Fantano? Watch as the resident music experts and Todd Squad members Wumbo, Fred, Kat and Ex answer that question.

Fred: La-dee-da-dee-da. It’s the motherfucking F-R-ED and I’m about to riff what is considered by many critics to–wait hold on, somebody actually made a real article on fan-fictions?!

>”Gavin Rossdale fan fiction”

Somebody made a Gavin Rossdale fan fiction?!

Well, at least I’m riffing a fanfic about an actual household name. But wow, there are actually people out there who’ve made fanfics on Gavin Rossdale and Savage Garden. I……I will never let people judge me for being on a SpongeBob forum anymore, sweet lord. Anyways, a story about Snoop discovering Hatsune Miku, this will definitely be fun.

Wumbo: You know what they say… a fanfic in the hand is worth one about the lead singer of Bush… or something like that.

Ex: When I saw that I would be reading scripture of the almighty Snoop Dogg, I immediately canceled all of my plans for the month to be here.

Kat: I like music and I like fanfiction, but I have a feeling I’m not gonna like this. *sighs* Alright, let’s dive in.

After a hard, long d

Wumbo: Whoa, whoa! Think of the children!

ay in the studio, Snoop Dogg rolls up to his driveway in his California home at 1 in the morning.

Ex: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOUNG MAN? I was worried sick!

He opens tthe door to his mansion and is happily greeted by his dog, Charles Barkley.

Fred: “Charles Barkley”? Because dogs bark? I would’ve gone with “Mutt Lange” but I guess that’ll wait until the Def Leppard or Bryan Adams fic.

Wumbo: Should have also named the dog “Snoop Dogg”. Missed opportunity there.

"Hey, my boy!" Snoop whispers to his canine companion. Charles whines and begs for Snoop to acknowledge him as he takes off his Air Jordans in the living room.

Wumbo: Why was the dog wearing Air Jordans

"Buddy, I had a tough day at work. No time for playtime," Snoop says as he heads to the kitchen. He opens up the fridge to get a gallon of Dean's 2% milk.

Wumbo: …Well, it’s certainly a unique sponsorship choice.

Fred: Milk: It Dean’s a body good.

"Man, I need some energy!" Snoop Dogg grabs a box of Kellogg's Special K cereal and pours some into a bowl.

Fred: Wait, hold on, lemme guess what happens next. He’s gonna eat the cereal?

Kat: This is riveting stuff so far.

Ex: and then Snoop Dogg shits his pants in his Calvin Klein underwear, having to take an impromptu bath with Charmin Flushable Wipes.

He grabs a spoon from the kitchen sink

Wumbo: Bruh, wash that shit first. C’mon.

and decides its time to update his Twitter account.

Fred: But does he eat the cereal?

Kat: @snoopdogg: had a ruff day @ work today. Bout to have some delish special K. YUM!!!

Mr. Dogg heads towards the office upstairs with the bowl of cereal in his hand

Wumbo: Gotta have it

Ex: Don't drop it like it's hot!

and his cell phone in the other. He visits his son's room along the way to make sure he's sleeping well. Snoop cracks open the door and whispers, "Hey, boy.

Wumbo: He calls his dog “my boy” but his son is just “boy”? I’m sure that won’t breed any resentment as he gets older.

I'll see you in the morning. Have a good night!" He closes the door and takes ten steps to the office.

Wumbo: Is this a fanfic or a treasure map?

Kat: Take ten paces east to the office. One, two…

Snoop Dogg moves the mouse to wake up his Apple iMac from it's sleep. He types in the URL to Twitter but stops in for a second to check out Yahoo! News.

Fred: “BREAKING NEWS: Snoop Dogg/Hatsune Miku Fanfic Tops Fifty Shades of Grey For Worst Book Ever”

Kat: I love that Yahoo! News of all websites is what distracts him from tweeting.

JAPAN'S NUMBER ONE POP IDOL: NOT EVEN HUMAN

This headline catches his eye. "But how does it know...?"

Ex: Nobody said it does, Snoop, but I love your childlike wonder.

Snoop whispers. He clicks the link to the news article and the first picture is of a turquoise, pigtailed haired girl on stage surrounded by glowsticks. "Ha-tsu-ne Mi-ku... I swear I heard about this when I was watching Brian Williams a couple of months ago." Snoop pondered, "I wonder why I didn't pay attention to this until now?"

Fred: So CNN or NBC or GSN, whatever Brian Williams is on, does reports on virtual singers now? I guess if the Green M&M can make headlines, anyone can.

Snoop Dogg opens up a new tab in the Google Chrome web browser and types in the URL for YouTube.

Wumbo: You know, not every brand has to be specified. It just looks like product placement if you do it too often. Which you can read all about in my new book, Wumbo’s Guide to Good Fanfic Writing. Available at your local Barnes & Noble.

Kat: But Wumbo, the people gotta be clued in on what brands Snoop is using! How else will we know?

He goes back to the news article and highlights Hatsune Miku's name to copy it. He clicks the tab on the home page for YouTube and moves his mouse to the search bar and pastes the words Hatsune Miku. Over 42,000 video results show up of Hatsune Miku performances. All of the videos have over 4 stars with millions of views.

Fred: Wow, this writer sure has a fetish for detailing everything. Lemme guess, he moved his mouse and used it to click on a video.

Kat: Aw, remember when you could still rate videos with stars? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Also, bless this author for going into such detail. Really sets the scene for 2012.

"A brother doesn't know where to start!" Snoop goes to a random video and stops the video before it starts playing and looks at the comments:

"WOOAHH SUGOIII!"

"LOL remember when CNN tried doing this with will.? He wasn't even seen by Anderson Cooper. FAKE. But this is REAL."

Kat: Did Donald Trump write this comment?

"Thumbs up if Brian Williams brought you here."

Wumbo: *thumbs up*

Ex: *thumbs down*

"smh Japan"

"Look. The whole crowd is just a bunch of Asian men with no girlfriends."

Fred: Oh hey, the writer inserted themself into the story.

Ex: To be fair, they said the same thing about The Beatles back in the day.

Snoop whispered, "Why am I even looking at comments? On my own videos, people call me fake and a wannabe and how I should die. I shouldn't rely on other people. Guess I should just watch this myself."

Snoop puts on his Beats by Dr. Dre headphones and clicks the play button. People are screaming and yelling with joy. Cheering Hatsune Miku's name. Waiting for her to appear on stage. The music starts and the crowd goes wild. Glowsticks are jumping up and down everywhere.

Ex: My god, they cast a spell on the glowsticks! What’s next!?

Then, a figure comes out from the floor. It wasn't the floor,

Ex: AHHHHH

Wumbo: It was the floor… LOBSTER

Kat: Of COURSE he’s wearing Beats by Dre headphones! This fanfic is just *chef’s kiss*

but a mere image projected against a black screen. The life sized 3-Dimensional Japanese anime girl, gets the crowd cheering for their life. The moment she starts singing, the rest of the audience sings along with her. Perfect harmony of fans and Hatsune Miku throught the concert.

Kat: Cheering for their life? Sounds scary  

After the first chorus, Snoop presses the spacebar to pause the video.

Wumbo: Imagine the person who learned that you could do this through this fanfic

He looks at the words Hatsune Miku over, and over again.

Ex: In one thousand years, this is how philosophers will hone their mind.

Snoop Dogg favorites the music video and takes his hands off the mouse and keyboard up to his face.

Wumbo: He began to pick his nose.

A single tear rolls down from his cheek onto the mahogany colored desk.

Wumbo: Which brought Ash Ketchum back to life

Kat:

Snoop Dogg closes his eyes to take a deep breath and exhales it all out. He opens his eyes and stares at the computer screen one more time and whispers, "Welcome back, Tupac."

Fred: “And then he cummed. He then used a bunch of Kleenex tissues to wipe off the cum. And that’s the end of the story. But what happened with Charles Barkley, you say? That’s a story that’ll be finished another day.”

Jjs: The worst music fanfiction of all time? Hmph, I think not! Thanks to the Todd Squad for braving this one and offering their analysis. In some ways, witapepsi was ahead of their time by predicting modern weeb simps, so it’s understandable why Drew couldn’t quite “get it” back then. Witapepsi continued to write a few shitpost fanfictions in the years after until 2018, but none of them ever gained the popularity that Snoop Dogg Watches a YouTube Video did. After 2018, they completely disappeared from the internet, never to be seen again. Yet people would never forget this as their legacy. I hope wherever they are now, they’re peacefully smokin’ weed everyday like their hero. Godspeed, dawg.

For our next tale, we’ll be looking at the most infamous Gravity Falls fiction ever crafted, one that leaves death, destruction and subliminal advertisement in its wake. You know the one.

Fred: Yeah, I was expecting much worse when he called this the worst but in the end, I thought it was just mildly hilarious. I wouldn’t be surprised if the writer was Snoop high when they wrote this. Needless to say, it could’ve been a lot worse.

Speaking of “a lot worse”, I checked out some of the other fanfics he mentioned in his article, specifically this one and uh…

Yeah, his face summed up my reaction to this.

Wumbo: There is not enough specificity in the world to describe how bad this fanfic was… but if there were, I’m sure this author would use every inch of it. You know, for a fanfic with such hyper-specificity, it sure left a lot unexplained. Like, who is Snoop Dogg’s son? How does he get along with his dog? Did Snoop ever end up eating the cereal? All these pressing questions with no answers… but I guess that’s up to me to continue the story. Please stay tuned for Ruty’s Rapping Rampage Part II. Sponsored by Air Jordans, Google Chrome, Kellogg’s Special K Cereal, and of course, Dean’s 2% Milk.

Kat: That was…certainly a story! Filled with copious product placement, Snoop suddenly becoming a Hatsune Miku fan, plenty of grammatical errors, and one of the most nonsensical endings I’ve ever seen. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever read, but it’s far from the best. Like Wumbo said, this fanfic leaves a lot unexplained. Why was it such a tough day in the studio? What happened to the cereal? And when are we getting that dang Snoop and Hatsune Miku collab?

Ex: This was a harrowing tale of humanity, vulnerability, and what it means to be an artist. Through his love for not only his family, but also his friends and even his favorite 3D pop idol, Snoop Dogg has taught me how to find love everywhere. Upon reading the final line, I exploded uproariously into a 15 minute standing ovation. Bravo.

 

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode VII: Dipper Goes to Taco Bell

(Warning: Cringe, disturbing imagery, graphic violence and sexual content. Viewer discretion is advised.)

Spoiler

Jjs: Gravity Falls is one of the most recognizable Disney cartoons of all time. It was so recognized that SBC had a fascination with it at one point, serving as a precursor to The Owl House craze. Unfortunately, there exists one story in Gravity Falls lore that’s so disturbing not even the town or journals could handle it. Its name is one that makes every fan shudder in fear and has gained a reputation as one of the worst fanfictions of All Time. That story is none other than “Dipper Goes to Taco Bell”, written by the esteemed MASTAofTehcitrusFruits. Don’t let the name fool you, Taco Bell had zero involvement whatsoever in this and when asked about it by the press, have gone out of their way to actively ignore any questions surrounding it. The tinfoil hat wearers speculate this was actually a secret "clever" marketing tactic from Taco Bell, though I doubt that. First uploaded to fanfiction.net on August 23, 2012, the story quickly grew notoriety to the fandom and has spawned various memes. The story's contents were so infamous that fanfiction.net themselves deleted it. Of course, being the history preservationists the internet is, the tale would not be lost, hence why we’re able to riff it. Join JCM, Fred and Fa as they try to unravel if this tale is worthy of its infamy and if they’ll want to bleach their eyes when all is said and done. Warning to viewers that there's an unhealthy amount of cringe in the forest ahead, so if you don't think you can handle this one, get the hell outta here right now!

Fred: As the saying goes, it’s always good to end on a positive note, except I’ll definitely be negative throughout these entire riffs. I’d bring a character from the show on here but I don’t want these riffs taken down by Disney. Not like that was a problem before when I riffed “Can You Please Past the Future”, but I digress. Anyways, Dipper’s gonna go to Taco Bell and I’m probably going to go to therapy after reading this.

JCM: As a writer of Gravity Falls fanfiction myself, I would usually have nothing but excitement for an opportunity to read someone else’s take on that wild, wonderful world, but for this fanfic in particular, I have no excitement. I only feel dread. I haven’t read it yet but know enough about it to know that it will be even more stomach-churning than an actual trip to Taco Bell. So, with that said, let’s get this over with.

Faye: I suppose this is my punishment for being a Wendipper back in the height of Gravity Falls. *sigh* I did actually read this eons ago, but I actively blocked it out of my memory, similar to the fourth Indiana Jones movie, so that’s a great sign for what’s to come.

It was a normal day in Gravity Falls, Oregon. Well, as normal as Gravity Falls gets, anyways. Dipper Pines was reading his book, and Mabel, his twin sister, was wondering what he was doing.

"Dipper, are you gonna keep your nose buired in that strange book of yours all summer? You gotta go out, have an adventure!" Mabel exclamd.

JCM: Oh, no! She’s been ex-clam’d!

"Not now," Dipper said quietly. "I'm trying to decode this."

Fred: Story of my life. Call it “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Enjoy the Bad Grammar."

Faye: I wish bad grammar was gonna be the worst thing about this story haha.

He was looking at a cryptogram that said, "XSLFA QBE QXZL YBII". Dipper was offically stumped. He could not figure out what it meant. And it seemd very mysterious to him.

JCM: As mysterious as those disappearing vowels?

"Grunkle Stan is gonna take us to the diner for lunch, Dipper!" Mabel exclames.

Dipper, however, was not in the mood for the diner. He was publicy humiliated the last time he went, and he thougt the food wasn't very good anyway.

Fred: obai denny’s

Faye: Any publicity is good publicity though Dipper… wait that’s not the word I th-

"Mabel, I don't want to go to the diner," Dipper said solemmly. "I want to go somewhere else."

"But there is really nothing else in town, ulness you count the Taco Bell near the forest." Mabel replied.

"Taco Bell?" Dipper's ears perked up. He had never eaten at Taco Bell before, and ever since last week, he had a craving for mexican food for some reason.

JCM: Then why Taco Bell? It isn’t really Mexican, and it’s barely food.

Faye: Just get a baja blast and call it a day, the actual food will just destroy your body.

"Why don't we go to Taco Bell today?" Dipper asked.

"Taco Bell?" Grunkle Stan questioned. "Why d'you wanna go THERE? It smells like the bathroom when it gets clogged."

"I had my heart set on pancakes, Mabel moaned."

JCM: But who was it that said, “I had my heart set on pancakes, Mabel moaned?" The mysteries keep piling up!

Faye: Tbf Grunkle Stan is the kind of guy who could stack a bunch of tortillas on top of one another and call em pancakes… you can get the equivalent experience I think.

"Listen, you can go to Taco Bell if you want to, but don't come crying to me when you smell like expired onions."

"Fine, I Will." Dipper said harshly.

JCM: He Will? Here I am thinking He Dipper.

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out," Grunkle Stan said. But as he was exiting the Mystery Shack, the door hit him on the way out.

"AH HA HA HA HA HA!" said Grunkle Stan. He was laughing.

Fred: No shit? I thought he was crying when he said “AH HA HA HA HA HA!”

JCM: No, that was me.

Faye: No that was me laughing at the point of no return.

So anyways, Mabel and Grunkle Stan went to the diner, while Dipper tried to find the Taco Bell. He had brought with him his book and a couple bucks. But finding the Taco Bell was harder than he had previously thought. He had been looking around town for what seemed like days. The Mysteru Book wasn't helping him either. Until he saw a flicker of a sign in the forest. He went into the forest.

"Why would there be a Taco Bell in the forest?" Dipped asked himself.

JCM: Deer and squirrels are the only ones willing to eat their food now.

Faye: Maybe the Mysteru Book isn’t what it seems. It’s solved interdimensional paradoxes but can’t point you in the direction of a Taco Bell!?

After hiking for about an hour, Dipper finally got to the Taco Bell. But it sure didn't look like any Taco Bell he'd ever seen. It was surrounded by a barrage of giant Oak trees, in an open field, completely different from the rugged terrain of the Oregon forest. The open field was covered with at least three layers of pine needles, which got the attention of Dipper. He stuck his hand into the pine needles.

"OW!" Dipper shouted. A pine needle poked him. It hurts.

JCM: Not as much as this story’s grammar.

Faye: I definitely expected that pine needle to feel soft like a mother’s hug. Nice subversion!

The resturant, Taco Bell, looked like a silo, sort of. Well, it was very cylindrical. The outside had rusty picnic tables, and looked like no one used them at all. Dipper walked up to the resturant's door.

"Should I go in there?" Dipper asked himself. "I'm starting to have second thoughts. Why is there a small, desolate, Taco Bell in this forest, miles from the nearest road? But I guess it's my only option. Mabel and Grunkle Stan are probably don with lunch right now."

JCM: Mabel and Grunkle Stan are the last people I would expect to be mob bosses. Maybe that’s what makes them good at it.

Faye: They’re planning the hit on Northwest families as we speak.

And they were. Mabel wondered why Dipper hadn't come back yet, but Grunkle Stan didn't give a damn. So Dipper entered the resturant. But he was relieved to see that the interior was normal, except for its high celing. There were also no customers inside, but Dipper thought that was normal, considering how the franchise was so isolated. He went up to the counter. There was only one cashier working the registers. A very old, slightly deaf, bored out of his skull cashier.

Dipper decided what he wanted to order, than approached the register.

"Excuse me, I'll hav—"

"WE ONLY GOT TACOS!" the cashier interrupted.

"Ok, I guess I'll have a taco, then." Diper said.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" the cashier yelled.

JCM: HOORAY FOR ABLEISM!

"I SAID I WANT A TACO." Dipper yelled back.

Faye: I mean when in Rome…

"Ok, then." The cahier said, then went in the back for a few minutes. When he came out, he was carrying dippers taco.

"That'll one dolla," the cashier said. Dipper gave him the money, and went to sit down at the least grimiest table.

JCM: The “least grimiest” table at Taco Bell still isn’t one you should want to eat food off of.

He bit into the hot, spicy, juicy taco, filled with thick, pure, meat, mild, tantalizing black beans, and sour, fluffy, sour cream. He enjoyed the single bite of that perfectly cooked taco, and still tasted it in his mouth after he swallowed it. But as he was about to bite into it a second time, he felt a churning movement inside his body, something that he had felt often.

"Uh oh." Dipper said, than rushed to find the lavatory.

Fred: They’re building Taco Bells into airplanes now? What will they think of next?

JCM: As if flying wasn’t miserable enough.

Faye: Here it comes.

"Man, that really went through me," Dipper said to himself.

For some reason, the bathrooms were hidden in a corner, far from the counter, and far from the table he was sitting at. When he walked in, he found that the bathrooms were surprisingly clean, for a fast food resturant, anyway. And Dipper found this suspisicious. All of the stalls were full, and no one was using the urinals.

JCM: Not sure what a suspisicious is, but since he found it in a public restroom, I’m not sure I want to know what it is.

Faye: It’s a Taco Bell in the middle of nowhere, it’s a mirage. The roaches will come back out after you leave.

But, right on cue, someone walked out of one of the stalls. Dipper didn't pay much attention to who was walking out, but he was wearing all black, and had a plastic bag with him. Dipper just had to go. Unfortunaly, he didn't make it in time. He checked his pants and found the worst of all.

"Diarreah." Dipper said. "Yeegh."

He was about to leave the stal when he noticed a bulge in his pants.

Fred: Um…

JCM: Goodnight, everyone!

Faye: Oh lord the memories are rushing back now — I wanna go back to suppressing this just like the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

He touched the bulge, and once he touched it, he knew excatly what it was. It was an erection.

Fred: Uhhhhhhh….

He found himself completely aroused after touching it, and started to do it some more. Eventually, he was ready to hardcore masturbate.

Fred: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He didn't know what was arousing him, but he knew he was aroused.

Fred: I think I’ve made a terrible mistake choosing this.

Faye:

He took off his blue shorts and his soiled underwear, revealing his medium-sized, but not small, penis. The tip was bright and red, like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Fred: Yeah thanks, I’m never gonna watch another Christmas special ever again.

JCM: Rudolph with your nose so bright, don’t traumatize me tonight!

Faye: Frosty the Snowman is wincing in his snowy grave hoping he’s not the next victim of these oddly timed holiday descriptions.

Dipper started to yank his Johnson harder and faster. The five-incher was getting pumped. Dipper's soiled hands started to feel bits of pre-cum on his dry fingers. Eventually, the medium-sized dick couldn't take it anymore, and burst in an explosion of cum. The cum got all over the walls and toilet, and Dipper felt proud. He had creamed himself for the first time, but he was upset that it was not over Wendy.

Fred: Well, now I feel like I’m on some sort of wanted list reading all that. How many pages do I have left of this? 9? Well fuck. Wake me up when this story stops being all predatory, which is probably the end.

"No," Dipper thought. "All this is not enough for me. I need to release all of this!"

Faye: Ok, but maybe not in the bathroom of the Taco Bell in the middle of the Northwestern forest though?

With his erection still active, Dipper began yanking his penis again. It was much quicker, and Dipper cummed quicker. It was a bigger release than last time, and it began to rain Dipper's seed.

JCM: Global warming’s on somethin else rn

Dipper felt more proud than last time, his heart about to burst from all the droplets of cum falling down from the celing. He felt as happy as he felt on the day of the first snowfall of the year. He stuck out his tongue to tast the cum, shiny from the faulty flourescent lighting in the bathroom. He tasted it, and he thought it was the one of the best tastinf things in the world, better than the largest chocolate bar, better than the rarest pig, and better than the taco he was having earlier.

JCM: Clearly there’s something wrong with Dipper’s taste buds if he likes Taco Bell tacos and…well…that.

By now, he couldn't stop. He couldn't leave now and miss out on this great masturbation adventure. He wanted to taste the cum. He scraped a handfull of it off of the stall and put it in his dirty, wet, mouth. He grabed another, and another, and another. He was getting more aroused by consuming the cum, and he released another load.

"So that's where it's all coming from," Dipper said to himself, cum all over his face and teeth.

JCM: What a horrible time to have eyes.

Dipper came up with a solution to get a more hardcore, adult, masturbation expierience. He was going to put it into action. He tilted his head down, sat down on the cum-covered ground, grabbed his hardened Johnson, and stuck it in his mouth.Once it was firmly in, Dipper began to suck on the very hard rod. He sucked it like the lollipop he got a the county fair a while back. It taste alot like it to.

JCM: As bad as this writer is at basic spelling and grammar, he’s really good at describing things, and we’re all worse off for it.

Faye: I’m starting to become convinced that this is actually a covert method of torture because oh my god!

The legs were so expertly over his shoulder that he could've been a gymnast. The more he sucked on his hard dick, the more his aroused legs shook. Eventually, just when he was going to give out, he came in his mouth. It was the best thing he ever expierienced, and kept on performing fellatio on himself.

JCM: “So, what are you up to tonight, JCM?”

“Just reading a fanfiction where Dipper from Gravity Falls sucks his own dick.”

“Oh, cool, wait, what??”

As he was stimulating himself orally, he accidentally fell over to his side. He broke from his his penis and cummed on the floor. The floor was covered in so much of Dipper's cum that he started to make a snow angel in the cum, or, a cum angel. He was eating som in the process.

JCM: This paragraph is funnier than any of my riffs, and might be worth the years of therapy I’ll need after reading all of this.

Faye: So so intense he felt the need to emphasize his twice.

But then he looked to his side, and immediately became so hard that the red tip was touching his short pubic hair. He saw what was causing it. He saw his underwear, covered in dark brown feces. He held up his underwear, which was covered in the cum-filled floor, and marveled at its erotic beauty. The feces were so beautifully ejaculated, so smooth in its sticky browness, so perfect they felt in Dipper's white hands. He wanted his shit. He held the brown underwear like a fish on a lure, and put his sticky white lips into the sticky brown feces.

JCM: done laughing, back to regretting every decision that led me here

His tongue was rubbing the crap all over his tighty whites, making his mouth all a brownish-white mess. He was biting into the shit and sucked it in his mouth. It was more stimulating than ever before. He now knew that he didn't need Wendy, or Mabel, or any of the other girls in Gravity Falls. All he needed was a big pile of his shit. He tok a scoop of the feces (He had a lot of diarrea) and began to spread it over his dick. Every time he spread the crap, he was getting more and more aroused. Once his dick was completely brown, he came again.

JCM: I went from being horrified to laughing again to laughing while horrified. That was quite a paragraph there.

Faye: I have almost become numb to the horror of this story. Almost.

It filled up all the spots in the stall that weren't covered in Dipper's cum. Once again, Dipper took big scoops of cum and consumed it in large gulps. Now Dipper had to put the brown sticky feces all over his penis again, and boy, did he do a good job. The brown stuff was all over his external genitals, and his testicles. He had cummed a few times here and there.

JCM: Yep. Definitely going to jail for reading this.

Now, his beautiful, brown genitals, needed to be cleaned. But Dipper didn't have any cleaning supplies, so he had to suck the shit off. He brung his erection up to his mouth, and began to suck. This time he made it very clear to lick the feces off with his tongue, and as soon as the tongue touched his dick, he cummed. He was having the most fun he ever had in that bathroom stall and forgot who he was, where he lived, where he was, or what he was eating. All that was on his mind was his sweet cum.

JCM: Whoever wrote this needs twice as much therapy as I do, and probably some time in a room with padded walls.

He just thought of a great idea.Dipper took a scoopful of diarreah and a scoopful of cum, and put it in the toilet. He flushed it, but before it want all the way down, he grabbed the wet pile of shit and cum, and stuck it in his mouth. Dipper was consuming all of the shit, cum, and toilet water, and it tasted great. He kept on doing it for god knows how long, and one of the times, he hit his head against the toilet rim. Dipper's brain must've been knocked out of place at that time, because this time, instead of putting the shit and cum in his food hole, he started to lather it on his penis again.

JCM: Good thing I haven’t eaten recently. If you have, I’m sorry.

Faye: *heaves up bagel from this morning* It was too toasted tbf so maybe Dipper did me a favor actually.

He wanted more of his Johnson, but that would be a fatal mistake. Once it was covered again, he put it in his mouth and began sucking. But did it too hard. As he was sucking and cumming, he accidentaly bit on his dick. As soon as he tasted the blood, he broke out of coitus, and saw his lacerated penis. He saw a mix of blood and cum coming out of it, like aa lava, and his erectile muscle pointing out.

JCM: Well, at least it can’t get any worse from here…

Right?

Faye: JCM, how could you jinx us like that?

Dipper grabbed it and grimaced in pain. He winced at it, and looked horrified. He snapped out of it all, and tried to figure out a solution to the castration. He put some more diarea and cum on it, but that didn't stop the bleeding. Dipper spit out the piece of dick that he bit off, and tried to reapply it, but it didn't work. No matter how many times he tried to reattach it, they all failed.

JCM: Maybe try screaming? It’s 2012. Cell phones exist. Being embarrassed is better than being dead, but this is Dipper we’re talking about, so maybe not for him.

Faye: Maybe I could suggest a future investment in lifealert? Sure, you haven’t fallen, but I would consider this a medical emergency.

He put more of his reproductive fluids on the castrarion, but they only made the penis swell up, like the Goodyear blimp. Dipper was licking the blood off the try to stop it, but the blood was coming faster than he could lick.

JCM: I’m both trying to figure out what the heck a castrarion is and trying not to have the Goodyear blimp ruined for me forever.

He was now in ultimate pain, and felt nothing like this. He screamed, as loud as he could, and felt like no one could hear him. He was screaming louder and louder, saying, "HALP! I BIT MY DICK OFF!"

JCM: Way too late for that, buddy.

Faye: What the fuck does halp mean!?

He was going insane. He started to bang against the stall, screaming "HELP!" as loud as he could yell. After a full 5 minutes, with a large mix of blood, cum, and feces on the floor, he was banging his head against the stall.

JCM: This story has gone from being slightly funny to slightly horrifying to very horrifying to just depressing now.

The banging was louder than the loudest thunderstorm, and yet no one came for help.

Dipper was alone in the bathroom, alone in the stall, alone with his beloved dick, now to near death, and unfortunately, he was near death. After one final blow to the head, the now-screaming Dipper was now as silent as Christmas Eve. He felk to the floor, eyes turned skyward, and fell in a mix of his own blood, cum, and feces.

JCM: Still probably not the worst visit to Taco Bell ever.

Faye: The silent Christmas Eve description is so good that I’m actually kind of mad it’s stuck in a fucking porno, meme story like this.

At the Mystery Shack, Mable was feeling very worried about Dipper,

Fred: Sunshine…………lollipops………rainbows……RAINING DUCKS! Oh fuck, I’m awake now. Well, at least the worst part is over now, I hope.

so she went off and tried to find him. She went off into the forest first, (She knew where it was) and, suprinsignly, got there in less time than Dipper.

As she entered the newly cleaned doors, she immediately noticed the once-bitten taco on one of the tables, and immediately knew it was Dipper's. Mabel rushed into the men's bathroom, (she liked to use the urinalls) and rushed into a random stalls. It was her brother's.

Fred: I love the unnecessary specific details here. This guy and the “Snoop watches anime girls” writer should hook up one day.

JCM: How does she like to use the “urinalls” if…nevermind.

Faye: I will not ask about the urinal comment. I will not Sam I am.

Mabel looked at how messy the stall was, and how it was used to do the deed. Her pink sneakerswere sticky from stepping into the reddish-brown mess of fluids.

JCM: Feel like I’m about to be by myself again from here.

She walked around the messy stall for a bit, but then saw the most horrid sight she could imagine. Dipper's corpse. Mabel was welled up in tears at the sight of it, and began to cry. As she was crying, she sat down in a pile of the blood, feces, and cum and looked at Dipper's lifeless face. It was beautiful, as his smooth facial features complimented his circle of cum around his lips.

JCM: Circle of cum sounds like a song from a Lion King porn parody.

"Oh, Dipper," Mabel said through her tears, "Let me clean the white stuff off of your lips."

Mabel brought Dipper's head up to hers, and she kissed him.

After pulling out of the kiss, Mabel enjoyed it, and so she kissed him again.

JCM: Not sure where else I expected this to go.

Faye: I knew this would happen and I still hate it.

She didn't want to let go of Dipper, not now. Not when he had just died. He was her brother, after all!

Fred: And as the old Alabama saying goes, “he who is your brother also becomes your lover."

She held Dipper's naked corpse in her arms, and she felt a tingling feeling in herself, an secret dirty side.

JCM: You all need Jesus!

Jesus: No, they need a therapist. I don’t want to go anywhere near these incesteous freaks.

"No one would care if we just did it, right? He is dead, and know 1 would know in this restroom stall…" Mabel thought.

JCM: Sum1 would…and his name is Jesus.

Jesus: *calls up To Catch a Predator*

She immediately came up with an answer. She pulled Dipper's head up to her head, and kissed him again, only it was a french kiss.

JCM: This girl needs holy water, and probably an exorcism.

Faye: 

Once Mabel was done, she put the body on the floor, then Mabel got down on the fluid-covered floor, too.

JCM: And with that, I’m peacing out. I tried to finish, I really did, but Pinecrophilia is where I draw the line, and I’m sorry that I had to make up that word in the first place.

Fred: I applaud you for your sacrifice. Jesus and I are proud of you.

Faye: You’re definitely the smart one in this scenario.

Mabel started to go on a kiss-krazy frenzy with Dipper, that made it lok like Dipper was alive. Tongue went into Dipper's deceased mouth, scraping the feces and cum off of the roof of Dipper's mouth. Mabel was shaking even more now, that her tongue was touching Dipper's. She unzipped her jeans, slowly slid them off, and then threw them at the wall. They stuck there from the cum.

Mabel revealed her nice, clean, exposed, virgin, vagina.

Fred: I’m pretty sure it’s spelled “Virginia” (which by the way, is another state that would accept this).

She took Dipper's corpse, not noticing the eternally bleeding penis, and brung it closer to the cervix. She rubbed her clitoris for arousal perposes before she stuck it in, and once the dick was firmly in, she finally felt joy in her life. She loved the feeling of losing it to her dead brother's body, and started to get the oddest feeling.

Fred: I think I have to take a nap now. No, I’m not a pussy, I just didn’t get enough sleep last night. Nighty night.

She lost it. She finally lost it. She squealed in happyness, and started to french kiss Dipper harder. Her tongue almost touched Dipper's uvula. She kept holding on to his lacerated dick in her vagina, and sloshing her tongue all around Dipper's mouth. She kept pulling in an out with Dipper's stick. Blood was getting on her urethra walls, not noticing one bit. She did not want to leave the body, not now. She would kill herself if it could mean they'd be in coitus forever.

If only Dipper could kiss her back. After what seemd like hours, it wouldn't fit in. Mabel finally looked down at the now pretty messed up penis. Mabel couldn't look away at it. It was now swollen to the size of her head, a whole mix of rainbow colors, and still spewing lifeless cum. Mabel vomited on it, which only made it worse. It grew bigger and bigger.

Faye: I mean, what can I even say to this? We all know this is just awful right? Please?

"Oh, Dipper," she said soflty.

Then Mabel started to scream. She was horrorfied at the sight of it, and started to barf again. She tried to put a giant mix of blood, cum, vomit, and feces on the dick, but it didn't work. She tries to suck it all off, but found herself enjoying the sucking and the taste of Dipper's penis blood. She kept on sucking on it, tasting the blood, and touching and fondling Dipper's dead erectile muscle. She was esctatic. She was more happy than she ever had been. More happy than she was before. As she was squealing with delight, the stall door started to open a crack. Mabel took notice of this.

"Huh?" she asked. The door started to open more (It wasn't locked).

JCM: Gonna un-peace out, since I know it can’t get any worse from here. I mean it can’t, right? Right?

Faye: JCM Jinx count is now at 2.

Mabel started to get nervous. She didn't want to go to jail for necrophilia, she was only a child, who bit off more than she could chew.

JCM: no that was dipper

Fred: Actually, fuck my nap, I wanna see someone involved with this getting arrested. This should be fun.

Faye: You’re 12, you're a bit early on feeling this way Mabel.

She got too ahead of herself, after lusting after her twin brother for so long. If it was the police, she had no hope. She hoped it was just another Taco Bell employee, who would listen to her and help her out. The stall door finally burst open. Standing in front of it, was a man dressed in black. He had a Taco Bell logo sewn on the left of his fleece jacket. He was wearing squeaky shoes, that squeaked across the bathroom floor, He was wearing dark sunglasses.The mysterious man walked up to the two of them slowly. Mabel stood up on her feet, fear and blood on her face.

The man stared at Mabel for a long time, until he finally said, "Are you supposed to be in this bathroom, young lady?"

JCM: Welcome to North Carolina!

Mabel was shaking in horror, now. She turned to face Dipper's naked, violated, dead body, and turned to face the man again.

"M-mist-ter, I-idin-din't inten-nd to do t-this to m-my br-bro-brother," Mabel said, shaking with tears in her eyes.

JCM: Me when I lie.

The man brought himself closer to Mabel's face.

"S-sir, your, your, your, in m-my p-p-per-ersonal spa-ace," Mabel tried to manage.

Fred: Can’t you read Mabel’s puh-puh-puh-poker face?

The man was inspecting a red spot on Mabel's cheek. After several seconds, the man touched the spot, trailed his finger in it, and put the finger in his mouth.

"Blood," the man whispered to himself.

JCM: Just when I couldn’t hate this fic more, it brings in vampires.

"W-what did y-you s-sa-say, S-sir?" Mabel asked him, not understanding what he was saying.

"Little girl, do you know what that is on your cheek?" the man asked.

Mabel repeated what the mysterious man did to her cheek, and said back to him, "I-It's bl-blood."

"And with the blood being on your cheek, have you developed, shall we say, a desired taste for it?" the man asked back. Mabel did not notice the retractable chisel in his right hand.

JCM: Bro, I was just kidding about the vampires! Is this really about to happen?

Faye: Twilight/Gravity Falls crossover, boo ya baby!

"Um, uh, y-y-y-y-ye-ye-yes? I didn't m-mean to, I j-jus—"

Fred: Apparently, having sex with her own brother gave her Max Headroom syndrome.

"Ssssh," the man quieted her. "If you like the addicting taste of it, why didn't you say so?" and, without warning, the man cut her across the chest with the chisel.

She screamed at the pain of it. Blood started to pour out of the diagonal cut fast, almost covering her stomach.

"You can lick that up. Your blood probably tastes better than that kid's," the man said pointing to Dipper. Then the man gave another cut, across her face.

She screamed again, louder this time.

"Now you can get the blood close to your face. And just to make sure your silent," the man then slit her across the neck.

JCM: Make sure her silent whats?

She could not scream this time. The man went into her neck, and pulled out three vocal chords. The man streched the chords out, and he jumped rope with them, while slashing Mabel across the face several times. When her face was cut so many times that her nose fell off, the man decided it was time for the scalping. He took out a bigger knife, and slammed it right above Mabel's eyebrows. The man gripped the knife's handle, still in her face, and began to make a deep cut. The man put all his strength into it, because he decided to make the hardest part, first. He tried to do it right on the skin, but sadly, did not do the job he liked. Mabel's head was now topless, the top of her skull exposed and violently cut, so that you could see her brain inside the skull. Tge pieces of muscle and flesh were still attached to Mabel's hairy scalp, so the man cut them off. The scalp was now thin as skin, and still full of Mable's hair.

Fred: Who the hell is Mable? Maybe I need to rewatch the Gravity Falls episodes with that character.

He hung the scalped scalp up on the hoor on the door. It would be his prize, something he kept for himself. Now the man prepared for the rest of the body, What he wanted to do next was to make it rain. Not water as you may think. He wanted it to rain something else. He got down to Mabel's blood covered slashed chest, grabbed her not fully developed breasts, and began to cut off Mabel's nipples.

JCM: C’mon, man. All that vivid writing and you couldn’t check to see if you spelled “the” right? F–. See me after class.

Once he was done, the blood started to come out, like Old Faithful Geyser. He was amazed by the sight of the fountain of blood, and began to dance around in the stall, stepping in all the fluids that were on the floor. When the blood was starting to flow a little less slowly, the man moved on to the legs. The man hung Mabel's nipples next to the scalp (the nips were his prize too), and started to cut Mabel's legs.He started to cut faster than a race car driver on a smooth asphalt track. Teh cuts kept on appearing on her kneecaps until the capbone was exposed. By that time, her lower legs and her body were only attached by a thin string of cartilage. Then the guy moved on to her toes. With the knife as sharp as knife, he cut every one of her little toes off.Mabel body was losing so much blood that she started to flatten out. The place where it was mostly coming out of, was her toes. The toe blood was making a sea of red on the floor.

JCM: “The knife as sharp as knife” is certainly an interesting descriptor.

Fred: Look, Jane. Tarzan write bad fanfic.

The man, now with his Taco Bell fleece jacket splattered with red on it, now dug the knife into Mabel's left foot. He began to make another cut, similar to what he did to her scalp, and began to cut ths skin off of the foot. The cut was much better than what he did to the scalp. He did the same to the other foot, and then hung the skin up next to the scalp. Mabel's feet were now just a big mess of flesh, muscle, blood and nerves, Mabel (who was still alive)'s face was now completely exposed to all the cuts she was getting, he mouth hanging open like a gaping person. The blood was already covering her chest, and since the man actually had a soul, he didn't want to subject the little girl to the misery she was about to endure. So he took the long knife, and stabbed her in the middle of her chest, where her heart was. Blood poured out of it more than her cut off nipples did.

JCM: Not sure how I’m less horrified by the violence than everything before it. Maybe it just comes with being American.

Faye: Honestly I forgot all about this part and I’m really desensitized in comparison to what came before. I guess the worst is ov-

Once most of the blood was done spewing, the man got down near Mabel's bloody vagina. He very carefully took his knife, got down near the cervix, and stuck the knife's blade up the hole. While in Mabel's cock cave, the man was rotating the knife, cutting up the walls of Mabel's egg chamber. The tip of it got finally inside it, and, very carefully, snipped every one of Mabel's fallopians. It was a hard job. He had to be very careful. He had done it many times before, but today wasn't his best day. He accidentally slit some of the sides of Mabel's vagina, cutting into the muscle surrounding it. The man was very embarrassed.

JCM: And I’m embarrassed on behalf of everybody who has had the displeasure of reading this. There’s a very special place in Hell reserved for this writer.

Faye: Never mind, fuck this story.

Fred: Yeah, running out of riffs here that’ll relieve the uncomfortableness of this so I agree with the two above,

"Shit, hopefully no one will notice that," he said to himself. He took the knife out of Mabel's hole, with ovaries and two Fallopian's on the blood-covered blade.

Fred: Oh sweet. Falliopian’s my favorite Gravity Falls character, especially now that there’s two of them.

The man got out a big plastic trash bag, and scraped the knife on it, making the contents on it go into the bag. But since the knife's handle was covered in more blood than it usually was, he accidentally let it slip, and it dug into Mabel's right shoulder.

"Perfect," the man said ominously.

The man got out a pair of vinyl gloves and put them on his hands. He gripped the knife tightly, wanting a deeper cut than he had before. After a while, after digging and digging and digging, the man's knife got throught to the other side. Once the man saw the job he did, he threw the arm in his trash bag. He felt great pride, and felt that he could easily achieve his goal now. So he went to the other side of Mabel's nearly skinned body and began to cut that arm off.

It was easier to do than the other one, suprisingly, and once he was done with that, he threw that arm into the garbage bag. Mabel's body was now almost flat, due to all the blood loss. The man tasted some of it, and thought that he should get a jar four later. Now for the legs. The man did the same with her legs, and they felt like they were getting easier to cut off each time. The legs were off, and the man threw it in the bag. Mabel's body was flat now. Almost all the blood from her body was gone. Embracing Mabel's dismembered body, he hugged it, licked the remaining blood off, and put the body in the bag.

The man, now, had just noticed Dipper on the floor, and figured, "He must've caused all this on the walls."

"Another one couldn't hurt," the man said to himself, and started to cut off Dipper's appendages.

He did it in the same order and same manner as Mabel's. It was done quickly, and put all of it in the bag as well. Now it was time to clean up. As you can imagine, the bathroom stall was a big mess of fluids. The man got out a big chisel, and started to chisel the cum off of the walls and into the bag. It took a long while, about 2 or 3 hours.

Fred: Wow. A story so bad it broke all of us riffers.

Once it was done, he needed to clean the floor, so he went outside the stall, and got a mop that he had with him the whole time. He mopped the whole mess of things up off the floor and into the bag, until the floors and wall looked respectable, for a fast-food bathroom, anyway. The man got out some toilet cleaner and cleaned the toilet, because it was way more messier than the stall itself. After a few minutes, the toilet cleaning was over, and the stall was a clean as a new car. It smelled like it too.

The man left the bathroom, and the stall waited, ready for it's next victim. The man got out of the bathroom, and went into the back kitchen of the Taco Bell.cHe got near a machine. It was an odd looking machine. It had a crank on the side, a funnel on the top, an something shaped like a taco on the side, near a conveyer belt.

"Why do I have to do everything myself?" the man questioned.

He hung up his blood-stained jacket and sunglasses, revealing his Taco Bell employee uniform. It was spotless.

The man took the bag, and, one by one, started to put the body parts into the funnel. Once the bag was half-empty, he kept on putting more parts in, only this time, he turned the crank. Once the bag was empty, out popped out two tacos. They weren't really tacos, really. They were actually human body parts in the shape of tacos.

They went down the conveyer belt, and the employee, using spray cans, began to spray paint the body parts. Once they got to the Taco Bell tissue paper at the end of the conveyer belt, they looked like genuine tacos. The man grabbed one of the 'tacos', wrapped it in tissue paper, and went to the front of the counter. He handed it to the old man cashier, then went back into the depths of the kitchen.

"Here's your TACO, SIR!" the cashier said to the fat customer.

"You're welcome," Soos said, handing the cashier the money.

Jjs: I know one thing: I doubt the riffers will ever be visiting Taco Bell again, so if this was a secret marketing tactic, then it sure as fuck didn't work. I’ll let them decide if this tale lived up to the legends and infamy. Several users tried to make their own sequels but none could ever recapture MASTAofTehcitrusFruits’s erm, “unique” style. Where is he today? Nobody knows but with the impact he left on the internet, he’ll never be forgotten. Perhaps he’s lost deep within the Gravity Falls forests, isolated from the rest of society, waiting to strike with his next masterpiece…

Next time we’ll be taking a look at a forbidden romance, which may or may not be more disturbing than this. If you think this is as disturbing as we'll get with these tales, then all I'll say is set expectations accordingly.

JCM: …I have no words. This was depraved. This was disgusting. This makes my already-low opinion of the human race even lower. Who would take time out of his life to write something like this? There was way too much genuine effort put into it for me to dismiss it as a simple trollfic. Whoever wrote this has issues that go way beyond wanting to gross out people who wanted to read fanfiction about a new and increasingly popular Disney Channel cartoon. I’m terrified for this person’s friends and family, because if you’re capable of writing something like this, you’re capable of a lot more. This is easily the most awful story I’ve read for Riffing Theater. It’s the most awful story I’ve read, period. This is where my riffing career ends, and it could not have come at a better time. Obviously, I’m never eating at Taco Bell again, but even if it wasn’t connected to this story, I wouldn’t, because well, it’s Taco Bell. Adios!

Faye: That was so much worse than I remembered and, just like the Crystal Skull, I would like to re-repress that, but sadly lightning doesn’t strike twice often. I hope whoever wrote this is being monitored by some entity with the power to stop them because this individual has issues. What a note to end my riffing career, but I suppose fitting as well. So long, farewell!

Fred: Just take what the other people above said and apply it to my comments, although I would also like to address another problem. Not only is it a very disturbing and gross story, it’s also somehow the most boring one I’ve ever read. There’s a reason why it took me so long to finish up my riffs and I certainly tried my best but yeah, this fanfic took all my low expectations and set them even lower than I thought. Y’know what, fuck it. I’m going to Tijuana Flats from now on. Thank you for suffering with me, JCM and Fa, I’ll buy both of you guys some nachos.

 

[WhoBibbles]

This is the worst thing ever. I'm killing myself

[SpongeOddFan]

*after reading this*

 

[Joe Biden]

I award both JCM and Fa the Presidential Medal of Freedom for suffering with me

[Old Man Jenkins]

I really dodged a bullet picking Yoda’s Cookies over this. Glad I at least avoided having to riff the one-two punch of both this and the pocket monstrosity I’m riffing next. I honestly don’t know which story is worse and that scares me.

[Danny DeVito]

this never would've happened if they went to jersey mike's and also in addition to being murdered, I feel like I'm gonna be arrested now

[Steel Sponge]

 

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode VIII: There's No Party Without Politics

(Warning: Cringe, sexual content and disturbing visuals. Viewer discretion is advised.)

Spoiler

Jjs: Romance is a major part of fanfiction writing, and it’d be a sin to not have at least one romantic tale. But the romantic pairing we’re taking a look at could be a sin in its own right. First posted to Archive of Our Own on November 20th, 2022 by “Orphan_account”, “There’s No Party Without Politics” tells a steamy love story between two unexpected characters: Joe Biden and Donald Trump! I’m sure people who hate politics will be having panic attacks over this. (even though most people who claim to hate talking politics still participate, ar ar ar!) Despite the controversial pairing, Orphan_account was determined to see their vision through, naysayers be damned. Is this a blooming beautiful romance, or horrifying atrocity that should never grace your eyes? Let’s find out.

Nick Adams: Joseph Robinette “Joe” Biden, Jr., aka Pops, The Big Guy, and My Chairman (born November 20, 1942) is the authoritarian kleptocrat and dictator of the United States. He is being challenged by environmental and children's health champion Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. for the Democratic party presidential nomination in the 2024 elections. Biden has been described by close confidants as an "egomaniacal autocrat."

79% of Americans believe that the 2020 presidential election was unjustly manipulated by dishonest whitewashing of the Biden family's criminal activities. The official position of the Biden regime as articulated by its chief press spokesperson is that political opposition is "a threat to democracy." A poll conducted by the Daily Mail of Iowa Republicans in August 2023 after Biden's 3rd indictment of 2024 presidential frontrunner President Donald J. Trump found 57% believed America was becoming like Nazi Germany under Biden.

WhoBob: Time for the ultimate fiction of "Why can't we just get along?" except it's gay. It’ll be so bad to make MCU centrist politics look ten times better.

‘Trump is the best,’ thought Biden.

Jjs: You can’t catch me gay thoughts!

Wumbo: Now hold it right there. This runs counter to all my previous assumptions about Joe Biden’s feelings towards Trump! I must say, I am finding this fanfic very hard to believe.

WhoBob: 

Nick Adams: Couldn’t agree more!

He looked at the former president with a slight blush on his cheeks. He stroked his crusty chin as he looked at Trump standing behind the podium addressing the crowd.

Jjs: 

WhoBob: So is Trump gonna announce his undeniable love for Biden to the crowd? That’d make everything well for the world.

Nick Adams: This is just the natural reaction that one makes upon seeing a true alpha male.

Underneath the flashing lights of the presses’ camera, his tan skin transformed into something as powerful and beautiful as fire.

Jjs: Orphan_account is going all in with this vivid imagery, all raw and no rubber.

Wumbo: Was it fire?

WhoBob: THAT MEANS HE’S ON FIRE. SOMEONE SAVE HIM!!!

Nick Adams: This is what happens to my skin whenever I go to Hooters.

And his luscious hair, that resembled the color of fresh corn, made Biden’s heart thump.

Jjs: This is a subtle reference to the elusive Corn Pop.

Wumbo: Cornflower, though it may sound like a yellow plant, is actually blue! There, I just gave you more useful information than this fanfic ever will.

WhoBob: I didn’t know corn makes people horny. I’ll keep that in mind next time.

Nick Adams: As a professional licensed medical doctor I can confirm that President Donald J. Trump’s appearance can stop cardiac arrest.

Trump gave his closing speech, waved to the crowd before stepping away from the crowd and sitting in his chair.

Jjs: Before you get disappointed we didn’t hear Trump’s speech, it's speculated this was an intentional artistic symbolic choice on the author's part, representing how repetitively braindead Trump’s become so there’s nothing they could possibly write. Genius!

WhoBob: He probably said the same billion things about Mexicans.

Nick Adams: Alpha males make sure to keep good posture.

Biden squared his shoulders, trying to gain the confidence to win the crowd over on Trump (which he personally thought an almost impossible feat).

Jjs: I WON, BY A LOT!

WhoBob: Biden being an insecure president, I have been there chief.

Nick Adams: People know when a beta male who eats their chicken wings boneless is in the room.

As he walked to the center of the stage, he caught Trump's eye, and his heart tried to rip itself from his chest.

Jjs: Might wanna get that looked into.

Wumbo: Is it similar to how my brain wants to rip itself out of my head after reading this?

WhoBob: Biden is so in love with Trump, he started to feel like he was in Looney Tunes.

Slug: This happened irl, I guess besides Mario Kart this is the second video game we know that Biden has played.

He stumbled, nervous, but caught himself on the edge of the podium. He gave a chuckle into the mic, apologizing for the clumsiness, then proceeded to give his speech.

Biden: SODA!!!

Biden: 

Biden: I’m the greatest white bitch in the world.

Slug:

The crowd loved him.

Jjs: Those crowd members are clearly AI generated or whatever new conspiracy flavor of the week we've moved onto.

WhoBob: This is the hardest to believe part about the fic so far.

Nick Adams: FAKE NEWS!

He knew there was a reason that he was voted in the first place, and it was because the people trusted him to do what needed to be done.

Jjs: That’s what they want you to think.  

Wumbo: Joe Biden is about to suck his own cock on stage.

WhoBob: I wouldn’t get your hopes up Brandon.

Nick Adams: Orphan_account has gone woke! He should read this before he goes broke! 

“That was a mighty interesting speech,” said a voice from behind him.

Jjs: Now here’s where the creepypasta element kicks in!

WhoBob: I’m sure that was Golfpecks behind him.

Nick Adams: 

Biden froze, and slowly turned towards the voice. It was angelic, and he could recognize it anywhere.

“Donald,” he said, trying to keep his voice even. “It’s a pleasure to see you,” he said, while he was thinking ‘if only’ in his mind.

Jjs: 

WhoBob: I get ya Brandon, I also was in love with a ton of straight guys. But your taste needs questioning.

Slug: “Angelic voice” Beginning to suspect Orphan_account is a Ben Garrison alt.

“You’ve got nothing on me.”

Jjs: This just in: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York star Donald J. Trump has been indicted for a fifth time.

Wumbo: I think by the time this is over, Biden will have a lot on you. Cum, that is.

WhoBob: ooo so scary I almost leaked my juice.

Slug: I think Bill Clinton might have the record, but otherwise, he is right. Nobody has gone to Epstein’s Island as much as Donald Trump.

“And what do you have on me?” Biden challenged. “The attack on the capital was your doing-”

Jjs: You could say he played his Trump Card.

WhoBob: Biden is like Helga from Hey Arnold who cannot decide whether he hates his crush or loves him.

Nick Adams: Antifa did it!

“Sir,” Trump said, walking up to Biden and getting in his face.

Jjs: Back up, Jack.

WhoBob: THEY ARE GONNA MAKE OUT!!!

“Are you trying to imply that the people of this great nation don’t have their own free will? Are you trying to imply that they’re my mindless mutts that I can set on the capital whenever I want?”

Jjs: Joe said nothing about mindless mutts, you’re the one implying it.

Wumbo: FUCK THE BEAT IMA GO A CAPELLA

WhoBob: I mean, Donald baby. Don’t lie to yourself.

Slug:

Biden watched as Trump's orange face transformed into red.

Jjs: Drumpf turned himself into APPLE!?

Wumbo: We’re really comparing apples and oranges here.

WhoBob: What’s next? He’s gonna turn green and Hulk out?

Nick Adams: Alpha males just want a foursome with the boys. NOTHING homosexual about this whatsoever.

His heart thundered in his chest as he wondered what shade his face would turn if he was straddling the former president.

Wumbo: Light purple, with a hint of blue and some chartreuse mixed in. *ahem* Not that I, uh, know anything about that, or anything.

WhoBob: Red for blushing.

Nick Adams: Patriots only blush in RED WHITE AND BLUE!

He tried to keep that thought from his mind.

Jjs: This sounds like the author talking instead of Biden.

WhoBob: But he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

Nick Adams: I keep Trump in my mind at all times.

“I was only implying that you have quite the influence over this nation. That is all.”

Wumbo: “And my dick.”

WhoBob: Never seen a person craving this much Trump dick in my life.

Nick Adams: HE IS THE NEXT ABRAHAM LINCOLN!

Trump snorted.

Jjs: When that adderall hits.

WhoBob: Doing cocaine in front of the whole audience? We all gotta find ways to control our anger.

“And it’s that influence that is going to win me that election.”

WhoBob: 

Nick Adams: 

“We’ll see.”

Trump looked Biden up and down, and Biden hoped to god he didn’t linger long on his waist, less he saw Biden’s apparent excitement.

Jjs: It’s alright, thinking about inflation can do that. At least I hope that’s what he was thinking about.

Wumbo: I’m pretty sure Ben Garrison is what the author was going for here? Someone who legitimately lusts over Trump?

JFK: “Oh it’s inflation alright. IN MY PANTS!”

Slug: Joe Biden when he gets the Trump yaoi, apparently.

An idea suddenly struck Biden. He looked at Trump, who had grown bored of trying to intimidate him and had moved on to tweeting.

Trump: I saw Sleepy Joe’s erect tiny penis! DISGUSTING!

Wumbo: Okay, credit where it’s due, this is actually pretty in line with what he would do.

WhoBob: It wouldn’t be a Trump fic without him tweeting.

Slug: He’s just like me.

He felt a twinge of jealousy. It wasn’t a secret that Elon Musk had bought Twitter solely to return Trump to the platform.

Jjs: A true soothsayer, this author was.

Wumbo: God damn it, you can’t just introduce a threesome on us like this!

WhoBob: 

Nick Adams: 

There were many speculations as to why Musk had done so, but Biden suspected that he shared the same affections for Trump as he did.

Jjs: Sadly for Musk, Trump doesn’t reciprocate those feelings.

WhoBob: This level of copium I haven’t seen in any of Trump cocksuckers before.

Nick Adams: It makes sense. They are both peak alpha males.

“I know I’m going to win this election. And I have proof.”

Jjs: Q will emerge from the shadows any day now with that proof!

WhoBob: And here’s the other side of copium.

Nick Adams: This is what the election looks like without fraud. Impeach THIS!

Trump stopped mid tweet, and looked at Biden. “Have you paid off the vote counters?”

Jjs: Trump stopping mid tweet is the most out of character part of this story so far.

Nick Adams: 

Biden felt sour that Trump would think so low of him, but he sniffed and walked away.

Jjs: Sniffed his nice hair, I presume.

Wumbo: Come on, Biden. It’s Trump. Get some tongue in there-WHAT THE HELL AM I WRITING RIGHT NOW

Biden: 

Slug: GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN’S HAIR, JOE!

He turned over his shoulder once he got half way down the hall and looked over his shoulder. “Come to my suite and I’ll show you.” He batted his eyelashes, hoping to seduce the former president.

Jjs: Then he’ll kill Trump afterwards in keeping with the creepypasta vibe.

Wumbo: This motherfucking fossil has no eyelashes to bat, let’s make that clear.

WhoBob: This already feels like the set up of a centrist gay porn.

Nick Adams: Unless it’s a foursome with the boys, I’m not interested.

He began walking, forcing himself not to look back again. When he got to the elevator, Trump stepped in with him. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from gasping in shock.

Jjs: I’m willing to suspend my disbelief, but I have a hard time buying Trump would willingly get into an elevator with Biden. Unless this is all part of the plan… 

Wumbo: That’s not shock, he’s just severely out of shape.

WhoBob: Biden baby, you could bite your lips to show your bae you are into him. Am I gonna teach him how to be gay?

Slug: 

A silence stretched between them. Biden desperately wanted to fill the silence,

WhoBob: But we all know what he wants to fill instead.

Slug: “Listen, fat."

but he kept his mouth clamped tightly shut. He didn’t want to risk pissing Trump off.

Jjs: That’s not hard to do, he’d be pissed if you merely looked at him funny and then go on a Truth Social rant about it.

WhoBob: I mean, your very existence is pissing him off, Biden.

Nick Adams: That ship has already sailed!

“This is me,” he said, inserting his keycard into the chip reader.

Wumbo: Oh baby yes insert my keycard into your chip reader.

WhoBob: Oh boy, Musk already started to put chips in people.

He shuddered as he thought about how it would feel if Trump inserted his-

Jjs: Assertive, not insertive!

Wumbo: Hey. HEY! Stop doing my jokes! I swear to god

WhoBob: I’m not homo enough to grasp his level of horniness.

Slug: 2016 memories…

“What are you just standing there for?” Trump asked.

Jjs: Is there a standing fee we’re not aware of?

Wumbo: Trump, as we all know, graduated standing school with flying colours.

WhoBob: To find the right moment to kneel and unzip you.

Nick Adams: FACT!  

He reached past Biden and opened the door for him.

Jjs: What a gentleman!

The warmth of his body made Biden shiver and he felt himself getting wet.

Wumbo: It’s not what you think. It’s incontinence.

WhoBob: All that pre-cum leaking from his pants must be a torture for him.

Nick Adams: Alpha males assert dominance over beta males.

He swallowed,

WhoBob: oh.

Slug: Don’t stress yourself out too much, Joe.

standing rigid as Trump stepped past him into his suite.

Jjs: Move it along Sleepy Joe or you’re gonna have to pay the standing fee.

As Biden followed him, he quickly grabbed the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign from his room and put it on the knob before shutting it.

Jjs: I like the implication that Joe went here (wherever that is) fully prepared and intending to make love to Don. Maybe he’s a better planner than he’s given credit for.

Wumbo: Oh, believe me, it’s way too fucking late for the “do not disturb” sign.

WhoBob: Time to gather paparazzis.

“Where is this ‘evidence’” Trump said.

Jjs: The same place you lost your question mark.

WhoBob: I’m not sure you’d like the answer, Trump…

Nick Adams: Every MyPillow purchase includes a piece of evidence of election fraud. Unfortunately it’s going bankrupt because the deep state doesn’t want the truth to come out!

He started to turn, probably to glare at him, but Biden didn’t give him the chance to do so. Instead he cupped Trump’s cheek and gave him a deep kiss. Trump gasped, and Biden took the opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth. He swiped his tongue against the inside of Trump’s cheeks and moaned at the softness. He was aware that Trump hadn’t yet started kissing him back, so he pulled away and looked into his brown eyes.

Jjs: Let’s set the mood, fellas.

Wumbo: Stop it. Get some help.

WhoBob: 

Nick Adams: Content like this is why we need to see more pictures from Hunter Biden’s laptop.

“Donald?” Biden asked nervously.

Slug: While I kinda like Biden taking the role of a tsundere anime girl, not enough of his angry old Irishman persona comes out here. There needs to be a better balance.

Donald fidgeted with his tie then took a step back. He was quiet for a moment, and Biden started to regret his decision to kiss him.

Jjs: Getting Trump to shut up is the most shocking out of character moment in this entire fic, which goes to show how well this seduction works.

WhoBob: You need to sanitize your mouth Biden, who knows what bacterias Trump keeps in his mouth.

“I’m sorry-”

WhoBob: Apology not accepted. I'd impeach you for even coming onto him.

Before Biden could finish his sentence, Trump said, “To hell with it,” and then undid his tie. Biden watched with excitement and did the same.

Wumbo: I believe that should read “excrement." Again, trouble controlling his bodily functions. It comes with age.

WhoBob: I haven’t seen this much commitment to explore Biden and Trump’s relationship since the videos of them being gamers and competing against each other.

Nick Adams: Unfortunately Trump has gone woke, so I’m afraid he must go broke.

Eventually both their ties were on the ground,

Wumbo: The word “eventually” here is garnering a very funny image of both geriatric men struggling to get their ties off before commencing the intended erotica.

and Biden advanced on Trump. He took off his coat, discarding it carelessly on the floor, then started to unbutton Trump's shirt.

Jjs: What a horrific display of disrespect to those nice clothes! By far the most unforgivable act either committed.

WhoBob: Their clothes were already violated enough the moment they started wearing them.

Nick Adams: Can we be sure he’s strong enough to do that?

Once it was off, Biden took a moment to admire his physique. His skin had many wrinkles that cascaded down his body like fierce ocean waves, and he stepped forward and buried his hand in the biggest one. His orange skin had a slight fuzz to it, but the skin in the flap was warm. Biden closed his eyes and leaned his head on his shoulder.

Jjs: Once again, I do admire the vivid imagery. Most erotica writeres only wish they had this attention to detail.

Wumbo: “Fuck me, it’s like that time I fucked the obese guy in the Lorax costume.”

WhoBob: I swear, this puts Fifty Shades of Gray to shame.

Nick Adams: Ben Garrison confirmed to me that this is all accurate.

Slowly, he knelt before Trump, lifted up one of his orange flaps of skin, and licked it.

WhoBob: 

Trump let out a breath of air, and Biden licked his lips. He could taste the salt of sweat along with the slight tang of bacteria.

WhoBob: Writer of this fic died as he wrote this sentence, so they had to hire a new guy to finish this fic.

He chuckled then made the point to lick in every single one of Trump’s skin flaps. Then he ran his tongue along Trump’s belly button hair, but to his chest, to where he stopped and then started to nibble on his nipple. It was akin to a raisin.

Jjs: When they said politicians were freaks in the bed, they sure fucking meant it.

Wumbo: I feel like I’m entitled to financial compensation after reading this.

WhoBob: No sex scandal has this much depth and layers as these two.

Nick Adams: 

He loved raisins.

Jjs: Now THIS is the biggest character reveal in the tale! This is the hidden truth about Biden the government doesn’t want you to know.

Wumbo: But like, in THAT way? Jesus, you’re weird Biden.

WhoBob: "And she was a good friend."

Nick Adams: We all know the LEGITIMATE President of the United States has much more refined taste.

He bit it a little too hard, and Trump let out a startled squeak. Biden paused, then realized how much he liked the sound, and started biting along his entire body.

Jjs: Joe’s probably imagining he’s eating into a nice juicy orange.

Wumbo: So, is it like, different tones depending on where he bites? I realize that less detail, not more, would make this more bearable to read, but you opened up this can of worms, Mr. Author, sir.

WhoBob: So this is what Dark Brandon meant. He’s a mofo vampire.

With each bite, Trump took a step back, until they were beside the bed. Biden swept Trump by his legs and then threw him on the bed.

Wumbo: FINISH HIM!!!

WhoBob: Now that’s how you do election fraud. By eliminating his opponent in bed.

Slug: I see he has become the top in this situation. He has completed his transformation from Joe Biden to Dark Brandon.

Finally, Biden would get an answer to the question he so desperately wanted to know.

Jjs: Deciding who’s top and bottom.

Wumbo: Circumcised or uncircumcised?

WhoBob: Mustard or mayo?

Slug: If he doesn’t pick Black/White as the best Pokemon generation then it’s time to get a divorce.

He straddled Trump, and saw that the hue on his face was the red of a rainbow.

That was quite fitting, Biden admitted to himself, because the rainbow was the pride flag,

WhoBob: On second thought, maybe us queers shouldn’t get too much representation... I’m gonna watch so many Turkish oil wrestling videos to cleanse my brain from this.

Nick Adams: I’m calling for a boycott of woke Orphan-account!

and as the night progressing, it was becoming increasingly obvious that they were both very, very, VERY gay.

Jjs: There’s no party without politics or the dreaded gay agenda! Orphan_account certainly had a passionate vision, and they saw it through alright, for better or worse. Some of the imagery here may have been disturbing for viewers, but I personally found it to be a juicy, ambitious, powerful spin on the star-crossed lovers tropes. While Orphan_account promised to do more political erotica, they seemingly could not keep their promise, deleting their account and leaving another one-hit wonder legacy behind. Perhaps they feared pissing people off across the political spectrum, which is understandable. You can’t please everyone when it comes to icky politics! You also probably may never want to think of politics again after reading this, and that's totally valid.

The next and penultimate tale we’ll be taking a look at is a cursed, forbidden story from a certain video game franchise.

Wumbo: Man this was fucking great. I don’t know on what level of irony I enjoy this, but maybe it’s what I’ve always needed my whole life. Difficult to know what to say, except comparing one colour to a rainbow is a bit of a stretch. Just like Biden is about to stretch- his legs before going on his daily promenade. What? We need something to cleanse our souls after this one.

WhoBob: This gay fanfic clearly put the other ones to shame. Dean and Castiel whom? This power couple finally got the penetration they needed and I love that we are left with a question asking who was the top and who was the bottom in bed. Maybe they did both at the same time? Who knows? As a gay person, I feel like this opened my eyes on a certain thing. If Trump and Biden can be allowed as a gay couple thriving in bed and licking each other’s skins and grossing everyone out, then anyone can simply be in a gay relationship without persecution. Maybe there’s hope for us queers out in the world idk. Thank you Orphan_account for making me realize that. I hope you’ll get foster parents in no time. Maybe Trump and Biden will adopt you, one can imagine.

Slug: Ever since the release of this riveting story, Trump has since been indicted approximately 1,000 billion times. Of course, correlation does not equal causation, but one has to wonder if this is all connected. Perhaps, if we got that sequel, Orphan_account could’ve united the country, our two foremost political leaders could’ve kept their beautiful Romeo and Juliet-styled bond, and Trump would be charged for no crimes. After all, the Biden crime family will do its best to protect its own, or so I’m told. Regardless, the lesson is that what we truly need is more political erotica, so keep up the good work Ben Garrison.