Single Status Update
Hey guys, Cyanide/Ryan here. It's been a while, but I've officially decided my decision to split from SBC (actually I have for a long while, but I'm only really now sitting down to write this after a month of will I/won't I).
My activity has been on a pretty consistent downward fall since high school, and a lot of that is because of mental health issues, but the main thing that's because of is school and real life. I shouldn't say I don't have the time because I 100% do and have way too much on my hands but I've been trying to find other outlets to spend my time so I don't get bored but that's a whole other can of worms right there. But still, I'm at a point in my life where I'm prioritizing school above almost everything else (while still luckily having time for my hobbies) because I don't wanna stay at university any longer than I have to as I'm already a semester or two behind as it is. Not that I think that me becoming more active on this site would diminish homework time, I really don't, but I have my other reasons beyond just wanting to mostly focus on school.
If I put my blood, sweat and tears into it, I genuinely don't think I could ever become interested in Spongebob again, especially considering how into it I was when I joined. The truth is 2013 Cyanide and 2021 Cyanide are night and day, two absolutely completely different people. Unfortunately, the reality is that the strong undying love I once felt for Spongebob has just moved onto other things. Wanting to re-evaluate my own worst list (sorry for not finishing that) really put things into perspective for me; I couldn't be bothered to go through with my list when I announced it, and even when I started not really just because I'm just not interested in Spongebob at all anymore in all honesty. Will I still revisit Seasons 1-4? Oh yeah absolutely. But it's not gonna be a consistent thing, it's usually a couple times a year thing if at all. I find me going back to Spongebob mostly as a source of nostalgia to be honest, but I do have gags that still kill me as an adult and what not.
I just don't feel like I belong here at all anymore. I still have my friends here obviously, and none of you guys are actively excluding me or anyone. I guess my point is is just that I'm such a completely different person than I was when I first joined, and how I was throughout my presence on this site. I don't wanna mince words and sorry for the tonal shift but late 2018-2020 was without a doubt the worst period of my entire life up to this point, which is coincidentally when my activity started to decline. During this period in my life, I was forced to accept some hard truths about myself, and acknowledge that as my adulthood emerges, I have to grow too. In high school, while Spongebob became less and less relevant to my personal life as I moved on, graduating and being in college definitely helped me move on more and more. Do I think I outgrew SB? Yes and no. I'm still able to enjoy older episodes and by the amount of Spongebob memes and clothing I see around people my age sure as hell haven't outgrown it. But on the other hand, I feel like I have to be in a very specific mood for a gag-centric show like Spongebob. There are so many other shows I would watch over it if I'm looking for a quick solid laugh and that list honestly just grows and grows the more and more TV I watch. In a round about way of saying it, it's something I'll come back to now and again for nostalgia and to hear some classic jokes again, but besides that, I just don't really get a whole lot out of it nowadays. I guess it's also worth mentioning that I usually kinda get burnt out on things despite me liking them if they're everywhere; and obviously Spongebob falls under this. A really great example is Hunter x Hunter, which I love but ever since this weird blow up of it it's kinda reached a point where I need a little break from seeing it everywhere. I also kinda have an antipathy for memes that just refuse to die and I find like 99.9% of Spongebob memes fall under that category, but that's no fault of the show at all.
I know it's a really silly thing to say because I'm only not even 20 and a half and I'm really not young at all considering some of the ages of some of my site's fellow members, but I really feel my age gap. Not gonna lie but watching some of the younger members' pure undying enthusiasm about Spongebob has been awesome and I wish I could have that back but I shouldn't force it and I have to recognize that it'll probably never come back again. It's not like I'm losing anything again as that same love has moved onto things like One Piece for me, but I guess I just feel like I'm older and I guess more moved on than the age group comprising this site's primary age base. I just feel so far removed from this site's target group and I just need to move on, especially as someone who constantly feels like they don't belong with 99.9% of kids their age. None of this is anyone's fault. The vast majority of users on this site have been some of the nicest and most understanding people I've had the pleasure of meeting online, even during my darkest days when I was an angry, pretentious ass who was just blindly angry at everyone and everything because I was an angry 14 year old boy who didn't know how to deal with emotional trauma, and unfortunately blindly forced his emotional traumas on popular music and people just because they were beloved.
Pardon my language but since I joined back when I was 11, I've had to face some pretty f****d up stuff in my personal life. I've been fairly open about it, and I'm not wanting to get into anything because I just don't want to talk about it. But while I was planning to depart for a while, last month a drinking incident really put into perspective how bad my substance abuse had gotten, mainly in regards to drinking. Last summer it became common for me to lose about 3 hours every day after drinking vomiting/suppressing the urge to vomit just because I drank so much. I want to go back to drinking but I need to watch myself, as is these things. What comes with drinking and smoking is responsibility, so I'm not drinking for a little while to kinda get my mojo back. But what happened (which really was just me almost having a panic attack after drinking too much jungle juice) really put it into perspective and now since my leaving of the Discord server I've just been working a lot on myself. Breaking dumb and pointless habits and routines Aspergers had me forcing myself to do, and joining a yet-to-start group therapy group at my college to maybe drill it into my head one final time that I'm really not that alone, and that my experiences, thoughts and feelings shouldn't be shamed or aren't weird. My drinking accident was actually the original catalyst for me wanting to make this post, which was about a month ago now, but I just never really got around to it. Idk man. In the last couple years I've learned that I really need to move on from a lot of things in my past, and I think this is one of those things. Not gonna lie but it does make me personally feel better just kinda putting my foot down one final time and being like "I'm officially out" because in all honesty, I've been pretty much inactive since high school. Every time I've tried to rebound and become active again it's just always failed and I just don't have any interest in this site really at all anymore so I just think it's time for me to officially move on. As well as as I grow up, my real life responsibilities, commitments, etc grow, and while I don't have a lot of time on my hands right now soon enough things are going to be looking a lot different come internships and all that fun jazz.
I'm sorry if this whole thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense, or I meander constantly throughout points, sometimes it can't be easy to put thoughts to words. But this is really how I've felt about being on this site for the greater part of 2 or so years, so I think it's finally time for me to move on. I've been inactive for a long time, but I think it's finally time for me to move on. I've also done a lot of shutting myself off from the world around me, and throughout 2021 I've been working on not being like that, and during this period it's probably not best for me to be on a forum when I have things I need to focus on in real life. I know I've also said it before but if I ever treated you like garbage 2014-2017 I am so sorry, 14 year old me could not handle emotional trauma, which doesn't excuse it at all but that's why it was the way it was.
If you wish to stay in contact with me, by all means hit me up! I usually don't have a lot of people I'm talking to anyway. I shouldn't be responding DMs on here but I am active on Discord @icecreamstar#6264.
And with that, I'm taking my leave from SBC. Thanks for a terrific 8 years at this point, but I've just got to move on.
With a heavy heart and thanks for many great years,