Bikini Wax

[Wumbo]

NOTE:

 

This show is rated TV-14-DLSV. Let me break down that rating for you. Trust me, I'll be doing a lot of breaking things down for you, since I have no faith in my audience's intelligence.

 

TV-14: People Strongly Cautioned

D: Sardonic Drama

L: Creepy Lewdness

S: Sexual Shock and Horror

V: Vile Characters

 

As you can see, this is not a show for anyone. I recommend it for an overly optimistic audience, so they can realize how shit the world really is.

[Steel Sponge]

Some people just REALLY don't like Bikini Top, do they?

[Wumbo]

Some people just REALLY don't like Bikini Top, do they?

WELL HOW RUDE OF SOME PEOPLE

 

S1E1 (1) - Pile O' Shit: Braindead Error is sitting in the car with his mother, Who. But this isn't a normal car ride. Because they're actually in a boat, because this is underwater. They ride to the Bikini Bottom Underwater Airport. He's going to live with his father in Bikini Wax, a town as painful as its name suggests. His mother, Who, in case you've forgotten, and her fiance, What, are traveling the sea because What got a great job as a world-famous gigolo. Unfortunately, Braindead wasn't looking forward to his move, and we've switched tenses for some reason. He was a sort of shy person, who already had virtually no friends, and he doesn't even wax his legs anymore.

 

Now, Braindead and his mother, Who, were at the underwater airport, and it was time for Braindead's mother, Who, to embarrass him in front of everyone like ohmygod mom. Braindead's mother, Who, said goodbye to her only son, teary-eyed. Braindead gave her a hug, and for a minute he suffocated under the squeezing hug of his mother, Who. After an indeterminate amount of time, the hug was over, and Braindead was getting on the underwater plane to UnderwaterFalls, the big city right next to Bikini Wax, which would probably be a lot more of an exciting city to write about, but forget about it. Then, the flight ended, as flights typically do, and there was Gormless, Braindead's father, standing right there, even after the landing crew told him to GET OFF THE DAMN RUNWAY.

 

There was no hug, because guys don't do that shit, just a very awkward "bro-fin" between the two of them as Gormless tried to get with the times. Even though they both fail at greetings, they went home anyway, where Braindead saw a vomit-green boatmobile with a Fishelback album and a pair of Crocs in the front seat. Disgusting. He asked whose disgusting pieces of shit these were, as though something parked in one's driveway wouldn't belong to that person. Gormless, unaware of Braindead's distaste, grinned widely and said, "Yours."

 

Suddenly, the car doesn't look so ugly anymore... actually, it does. I'll decide on that later. Gormless then showed Braindead his room, the same one from when he was a kid. Braindead rolled his eyes and said "Seen it." The last time Braindead had been in his room in his father's house was when he was eight years old. He's now seventeen. If you've kept up with me at this point, that's nine years apart! Gormless noticed that Braindead was deep in thought trying to subtract eight from seventeen, so he left.

 

Then, the next day was a sure-to-be-hyphenated event. The-first-day-of-school. That night, Braindead couldn't sleep. Part of it was him still trying to figure out seventeen minus eight, but he was also nervous about school, and the god damn rain wouldn't shut up, Jesus. But eventually, he managed to fall asleep. For only two hours, though! What a tweest! Then, his alarm clock onomatopoeia'd and he got up, yawning, struggling to keep his eyes open, and also a little tired. But he managed to eat some above-sea imported Cheerios and get in his disgusting boatmobile, and drive to Bikini Wax High School, blaring his Fishelback CD all the way. The beginning of the day was filled with Chad Krayfish.

 

A girl named Android stops Braindead in the hallway, welcoming him to the school. Braindead brushes her off because these hoes ain't loyal.

 

Then he meets Trite, a guy he could probably get along with because he's a guy. Though he does have a problem closing his mouth, a problem similar to me writing this spin-off. He and Trite have Trigonometry together, and Trite kinda sucks at it, so Braindead shows him the way. Trite grimaces at the thought of someone named Braindead tutoring him.

 

Then, in Chemistry, Braindead meets two others, Jerk and Morepain. They tell Braindead that they're the school's clichéd power couple. Braindead wonders to himself how many more clichés he'll meet in Bikini Wax. Anyway, he takes a liking to the power couple because they know how to keep their god damn mouths shut.

 

He wonders why he's so popular at his new school. Then, it hits him. Bikini Wax is a really small town, it has a population of 3005. His father is the Chief of Police. So, as far as these people are concerned, Braindead's a narc, and they want to get on his good side. It didn't really bother him, as these were the closest to friends he would get. But he also kind of wished they would all fuck off. And they did, because he first day of school has ended after two classes. It wasn't horrible, but it did still have people, and Braindead hated people.

[SpongeOddFan]

Wumbo, why you didn't tell me via PM that you're going to do it?

[Jjs Goodman]

This is amazing. I want more.

[Sauce Mama]

This was pretty damn funny. xD

[SpongeOddFan]

but yeah, this is hilarious

[Wumbo]

Wumbo, why you didn't tell me via PM that you're going to do it?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

[Metal Snake]

This is magnifique.

[E.V.I.L.]

This is beauty in a pomegranate.

[Wumbo]

S1E2 (2)- Chex: Previously on Bikini Wax… Braindead Error moves to Bikini Wax to live with his father, Gormless. After awkward interactions with his parents, he moves in. He blasts Fishelback in his boatmobile, and has a 4/10 day at school.

 

The episode opens up with Jerk and Morepain making out on the couch like the hormonally crazy teens they are. Jerk’s hand... er, I mean, fin… reaches toward Morepain’s shirt, but Morepain swats it away because she’s president of the Abstinence Club. She’s also the only person in the Abstinence Club, but that’s another story. Jerk sighs, as he only values Morepain for her body, and not much else.

 

(Theme plays. What’s the theme, you might ask? Who knows? I’ve never been particularly good at picking appropriate music for spin-offs, so go ahead and substitute in your own!)

 

Oh. Great. Super-duper. Time for Braindead to go to school. He stretches, and then lets out a belch. His second day of school. Don’t think that we’d skip over that; time skips are just not right for this spin-off. It’s also a Monday. Bad bad horrible horrible whine whine. Being a pessimist sucks, especially when you’re trying not to be a pessimist. And everyone knows that the second day of school is a billion times worse than the first. And that’s no hyperbole; Braindead did the math.

 

And Mondays suck, Braindead thought as he read that day’s Fishfield comic strip. It was going to be a lose-lose day. But at least the Fishfield comic was mildly amusing. Ha ha, that Fishfield and his lasagna.

 

After getting ready, Braindead leaves for school and endures another awful day, as he expected. Actually, it wasn’t awful. The weather was okay. Well, it wasn’t okay. I mean, it was okay for Bikini Wax. But other than that… not okay. So, the day kinda sucked. During the day, Braindead talked with Trite, and he finds out that he’s going to Bikini Wax Beach with apparently the only other three people at this school, Jerk, Morepain, and Android. Braindead, being the shy non-friend-maker that he is, decides to invite himself along with them. He runs it by his father, Gormless, and Gormless is fine with it. Gormless goes back to smoking blunts on the back porch when Braindead leaves.

 

Braindead drives to the beach with his swim trunks, because yeah, that’s what people typically bring to the beach. He gets out of the car, smiling for the first time in three years. Then he trips and falls. WAH WAH WAH. He gets up, blushing.

 

Jerk laughed, naturally, and Morepain slaps him, as if telling him to stop. He immediately did, and he and Morgan’s eyes locked, as if forming some sort of understanding. Android smiled, as if she was happy, and Braindead realized she was smiling at Trite, as if to realize that the two are in love. Trite walked up to him, as if to get closer to him, and started talking, as if to start a conversation. One hour later, Braindead decided to just walk away from him. Just like that. Not rude at all.

 

While on his walk, he saw a girl with fiery red hair and fiery red eyes. He, the shy introvert, approaches her. She seems familiar for some reason… She says, “Braindead Error, is that you?” and Braindead wonders why the girl he creepily approached was so forward with him.

 

Who the fuck is this bitch? Then they start talking, and it all came back to him. Apparently, it was Temperamental Simmerdown, either that or a very good impostor. Temperamental’s father Rainfall and Gormless were good friends. Back when Braindead visited Bikini Wax as a child, he used to play with Temperamental all the time. Now, Temperamental is sixteen, and if the hormones come into play, living up to her name very soon. She didn’t go to Bikini Wax High, she went to a private school whose name will not be divulged for whatever reason.

 

Seeing Temperamental made Bikini Wax seem so much more… familiar. “Familiar is good. No, it’s great. No, it’s excellent!” thought Braindead the pessimist.

 

Meanwhile, Jerk and Morepain are fighting. About? Sex. Concerning? Different opinions. Where? The beach.

 

“Listen, Jerk…” Morepain said. “About last night… You really need to stop getting to my bra. I didn’t create the Abstinence Club for nothing!”

 

“More…” Jerk began.

 

“More what?” Morepain asked.

 

“It’s my pet name for you, remember?” Jerk said.

 

“That could get really confusing, though. Don’t call me that.”

 

“Okay, fine,” Jerk replied. “Morepain, I’m not dating you for sex…”

 

“Quit.”

 

“Quit what?”

 

“Quit saying ‘sex’. Can we use a cornier word? Let’s say… Chex.”

 

“Chex?” Jerk replied. “You mean like the cereal imported from above land?”

 

“Sure, why not?” Morepain asked. “JUST DO IT!” she yelled, suddenly angry.

 

“Okay, whoa,” Jerk said with a confused look on his very creepy face. “Look, I’d love to have… Chex… with you. Not the cereal, you understand. But I’m dating you because you’re… Chexy.”

 

“Are you calling me fat?” Morepain replied, tears in her eyes.

 

“No! It was the word you chose!” Jerk protested.

 

“Just stop,” Morepain replied. “Stop it. Stop right now. Just stop.” Soon she was a glimpse on the horizon, still saying “stop” for some reason.

 

Were they over? Why were they together in the first place? Is it for good? WHAT HAPPENED TO TRITE AND ANDROID? All good questions. Let’s see if they get answered by next episode.

[Metal Snake]

Chex it up, bro! Seriously, I love the name "Temperamental Simmerdown".

[SpongeOddFan]

Chex it up, bro! Seriously, I love the name "Temperamental Simmerdown".

or how about we called it *Sobbing Temperance* b/c she CRIED A LOT in BT.

[Wumbo]

S1E3 (3)- Crap: Previously on Bikini Wax... Jerk wonders why he decided to date the president of the Abstinence Club in the first place. Meanwhile, things happen between Braindead and Temperamental, and Jerk and Morepain's 2-second relationship ends. So, feels, I guess?

 

Today is a new day. Today is a new day. Today is a new day. Today is a new d- sorry, I was trying to write this on autopilot, but I guess my computer jammed. Anyway, Dr. Obvious's diagnosis: It's a new day. But Morepain's celibate heart has been broken all week. So, several "new days" have passed. Ever since Morepain broke up with Jerk, all she's felt is misery, with a side of misery, with a little more misery to garnish, and of course, misery for dessert. So, in other words, a mild annoyance. She wondered if she should give up literally her only principle that makes up her character just so she could get Jerk back. Little did she know, FORESHADOWING.

 

(Undetermined Theme plays)

 

Saturday morning. Everybody loves Saturday morning. Cancer patients, Holocaust survivors, and yes, even pessimists like Braindead. And when he woke up, he got a laptop! With a note written by Gormless, saying he got it from Dank, the electronics salesman of the town. Braindead chalked it up to narc status again. He opened his laptop and checked his e-mail. Four new, two from Wh#W*~p!!. Because... yeah, that's an e-mail address. He opened the first one,

 

"Hi honey, just wanted to check in and see if you're okay. E-mail me as soon as you land, please.

Mom"

 

Next:

 

"Braindead X. Error:

Bitch you best be gettin' yo behind to a computer or else ima come to Bikini Wax and whup yo ass. Love you <3

Your Mother, Who"

 

Braindead sighed. He sent his mom an e-mail.

 

"Hi My Mother, Who! I just discovered the greatest place in the universe. It's called the Juice Box, and I have to go right now, so bye."

 

And he wasn't lying. He was meeting Trite and Jerk at the greatest place in the universe, the Juice Box. He hopped into his disgusting vomit-green boatmobile and rode all the way there. He saw Jerk crying his eyes out, and Trite staring at him awkwardly. Braindead sits down at the table, and Trite tells him his idea to go to a strip club, where no IDs are required because I guess the owners are just waiting for sexual misconduct charges. Jerk suddenly stops crying, as it was an act all along, and the three of them hop into Trite's boatmobile, ready for a very pervy afternoon...

 

&&&

 

Meanwhile, Morepain is exercising to work off the Chex weight. But all she can think about is Chex... suddenly, she gets this instinct that Jerk might be going to a strip club. She brushes it off, but she was wrong to do so!!!11

 

&&&

 

The guys are having a grand ol' hootenanny at the strip club, being the perverts that they are. But seriously, what straight teen wouldn't have fun at a strip club? Apparently, we need to specify in regards to gay people, but not to females. Then Braindead gets a text from his father:

 

"Trite must have been dropped on his head when he was little, because he told his dad about the strip club. His dad got into a bit of a tizzy, then told me about it. Yeah, we're friends now. But I'm still rip-roaring mad. Get home. Now."

 

Braindead decided against his pervy judgment to listen to his dad and get out of there. He grabs Jerk, who is laying down in a booth in his boxers. Kid really gets into it.

 

But as it turns out, nobody brought money to the strip club, so Jerk gets the brilliant idea to call Morepain.

 

"WHAT?" Morepain screeches, sounding slightly annoyed.

 

"I..."

 

"Spit it out!"

 

"I'm trying to! Jesus."

 

"Don't talk to me about Jesus, he's the reason I started the Abstinence Club. What is it?"

 

"We need you to pay some strippers and pick us up."

 

Because Morepain has little to no dignity, she agrees to do it. She drops Trite and Braindead off, then she grabbed her ex-boyfriend's face. Then she kissed her ex-boyfriend. Not worrying about Chex, sex, the discretion of the strippers dancing for underage boys, or anything like that.

 

And Jerk didn't worry about boning Morepain because this boner was emotional. When it was over, they were confused. And so am I. I'll figure it out next episode.

[Clappy]

or how about we called it *Sobbing Temperance* b/c she CRIED A LOT in BT.

What are you implying? This is nothing like Bikini Top. Wumbo would never plagiarize someone else's work.

Btw Chex is a salty snack. Not a cereal.

This is great regardless.

[Wumbo]

It can be a cereal too! I have evidence in my cupboard to back it up.

[Wumbo]

S1E4 (4)- Rushed: Previously on Bikini Wax: I know what you're thinking... what's the scoop on Morepain and Jerk? Well, they made out in Morepain's car, rendering Episode 2 pretty much pointless. It did introduce us to lovely Chex, though, so give it props for that. Anyway, Trite, Jerk, and Braindead went to a sketchy-as-balls strip club, where they don't even check your IDs. Unfortunately, they go without any money, so Morepain comes to bail them out of the sexiest prison of all time. (Never mind that all of those dancers should be going to an actual prison.)

 

Android woke up to go to church. But all she could think about were sinful thoughts like Trite's luscious body. She pushed those thoughts into the back of her mind for Jesus and Jesus alone. God, Jesus is sexy. After a 4/10 service, she sees a coyote walking down the sidewalk carrying Acme Roadrunner Bait... and then a giant boulder crushes him.

 

(Undetermined Theme plays)

 

The coyote is dead. Android is confused. Wile E. Coyote isn't supposed to die. The hell is going on? The fuck did that boulder come from?

 

Braindead is ready to help out Android and Trite in Trig. His father hasn't punished him yet, and he's unclear on that. A lot of people are unclear on a lot of things in this city, it seems. Anyway, he's not about to complain after his jolly good romp, so there you go.

 

Jerk is wasted. Not only does he have wasted potential as a character, but he's wasted as in he drank too much alcohol. He absolutely hated last night. Every single part of it. Except making out with Morepain, that was a'ight. But now that he's sober, he knows that what he really wanted was to take off her shirt. But don't worry! He still has emotional boners for her sometimes. Just not all the time. But if Morepain were to ask, he would say that those emotional boners were constant. Because lying builds a good foundation for a relationship! Also, keeping your feelings a secret.

 

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! rang Braindead's doorbell. He opened it to see Trite, and invited him inside. Trite thanked him for hiding his pessimism and general disdain for humanity long enough to invite him in, then asked if Android was there. One boring phone call later, Android arrived at the door, looking mildly perturbed. The boys asked her what was wrong, and she said "EVERYTHING". The boys said "Oh" and she said "Yeah" and Braindead said "So, how 'bout them Cowboys?" before Googling "Bikini Wax accidents". Unfortunately, the sheer number of results crashed his laptop, so Android simply told him about the boulder.

 

Jerk's cell phone was ringing. He picked it up and said "Duh... is this Pizza Castle?"

 

"Jerk, are you hungover?" Morepain asked.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Quit."

 

"Quit what? You need to stop doing that!"

 

"Quit being hungover! And quit drinking! My backstory used to abuse me when it got drunk. Now, I hate everyone who drinks. Every time a Budweiser commercial comes on TV, I punch the screen. We've... gone through a lot of TVs."

 

"Wow," Jerk said. "Why have you never told me this before?"

 

"Because I just decided that I hate drinking, and I wanted an elaborate and drama-filled reason why, maybe?" Morepain suggests.

 

"Okay," Jerk said. "Well, I promise I won't drink if you stop driving me to drink with your stupid stories."

 

"Good enough for me," Morepain replied. She then hung up.

 

Jerk stared at his cell phone. "Doesn't anybody ever say goodbye anymore?" He then went to the bathroom to throw up stripper glitter.

 

Braindead, Trite, and Android were still sitting in shock over the boulder incident. Then the TV magically turned on and flipped to the news.

 

"The Bikini Wax Bridge has collapsed. Hey, did anyone know our small town of less than 5,000 people had a bridge named after it? I sure didn't! Anyway, death and stuff. Later!"

 

"OH MY, GOD!" Android shrieked. Braindead and Trite looked at her in concern. "I need, more cowbell," she finished.

[Wumbo]

S1E5 (5)- Mesmerizing Regression: Previously on Bikini Wax… Android sees a boulder crush a coyote, and with the help of Braindead and Trite, realizes that not only is the small town life dull, it’s dangerous. And, Jerk learns that Morepain has a backstory. Then, Braindead, Trite, and Android see probably the worst newscast. Oh, and a bridge collapses.

 

Braindead, using his dead brain, decides to drive himself, Trite, and Android to the bridge. They see a man trying desperately to hold the bridge up with his brute strength, but the bridge further collapses on him as he realizes that he forgot leg day. Never forget leg day. Cars… I mean, boatmobiles fall off the bridge and die. Android decides this would be a good time to get some Trite booty, but Trite pulls away.

 

“Android, normally I’d love to make out with you in the midst of all this disaster and tragedy, but right now… I’m seeing someone.”

 

(Undetermined Theme plays)

 

Normally the theme playing would signify a scene change, but this has way too much schlock to pass up, so you can forget about it. Android gets out of the car… I mean, boatmobile, feeling embarrassed by her raging hot thighs.

 

Braindead turns to Trite. “Dude. You’re not seeing anyone right now. Unless that stripper Candy called you back…”

 

“No, I’m seeing a girl named Verydrama,” Trite replies. “By the way, let’s not bring up the strip club anymore.”

 

“Who’s Verydrama?” Jerk asks, materializing out of thin air.

 

“She’s this super-hot babelicious chick, who I totally love for her personality. I met her at the beach, when you hooked up with Temperamental.”

 

“I did not ‘hook up’ with Temperamental!” Braindead replies.

 

“Really? What do you call it then?”

 

“It was just a couple of hickeys! No big deal,” Braindead insists. “Please don’t tell anyone, especially my writer. I’m supposed to be an introvert!”

 

“Whatever,” Trite said as he got out of the car. He looked toward the destruction. “Oh right, a fallen bridge,” he mused.

 

Temperamental was pretty much in Heaven. Maybe, like, her baby toe was still in Purgatory, but let’s not waste time with little details. There’ll be plenty of time for that later. Her father had recently died, but Braindead’s kiss somehow fixed that, and brought him back to life. But then he died again after eating one of those “do not eat” packets you find in new shoes. Seriously, don’t eat those. Anyway, her father being dead again is a problem because her mother pretty much sucks, like, barely a 4/10. And her sister had moved to some other school for rich people, called Bikini Bottom University. (I figure if I work “Bikini Bottom” into my spin-off at least once every five episodes, it counts as a spin-off.) Anyway, Temperamental’s family only got rich when Temperamental’s mother Bentout started dating this rich man, Pissin. The weird thing was that it was only two months after her father, Hairyson, had died. The weirder thing is that Temperamental’s father isn’t named Rainfall anymore. Also, Pissin was ugly, and that’s just unforgivable. It made Temperamental hate her mother even more, like a 2/10. But she kissed Braindead, so that was nice enough to erase all those memories. But then Temperamental just realized she remembered these bad memories again, and became-

 

Then she got a call from Braindead.

 

“Hi there,” Braindead said. “I just thought I’d take this moment to destroy you emotionally. That kiss didn’t mean shit. Seeya!”

 

Temperamental hung up, threw her cell phone to the floor, ran to her room, slammed the door, locked it, took some time to straighten a picture on her wall, plopped down on her bed, and cried her eyes out.

 

Braindead shed only one tear of manliness, and one more to pay for being an asshole. Then, he notices his father, and the disaster he’s still at, once again. “Hey there, Chief of Police! Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?” he said, hoping to start some lighthearted banter in the face of death and tragedy.

 

Gormless chuckled. “Well, there are some dead people… but at least they can’t complain!” He chuckled again.

 

A few days later, Braindead was watching an episode of The Cleveland Show. “Wow, something worse written than this!” he remarked before changing to the Weather Channel. He then stayed tuned until 8:00, when Glee, the best show ever, came on.

 

Sorry, I just love Glee so much I had to plug it. Fortunately, it fits in with the narrative so seamlessly, you don’t even notice!

[SpongeOddFan]

I WANT MOAR

[Wumbo]

S1E6 (6) – Verydrama and Ohstoneme: Previously on Bikini Wax… Android realizes that death turns her on, so she kisses Trite when Braindead drives them to the broken bridge in his disgusting vomit green boatmobile. Trite reveals that he has a girlfriend that he met at the beach, which embarrasses Android. Temperamental is generally confusing, and Gormless comes on the disaster scene and basically says “People die, shit happens. Deal with it.” Then he chuckles.

 

Temperamental still feels like crap because Braindead is an asshole. Fortunately, she was able to project her anger on her mother, who was being a… four letter word that rhymes with “hunt”. Man, I earn that Mature rating. Temperamental had come to the realization that, hey, the reason her mom is seeing Pissin is because he’s a big fat Moneybags Miser Richie Rich Mr. Monopoly. Normally she relied on her friends to help her through these tough times. But because they weren’t written into the spin-off, you can just forget about it. Anyway, they weren’t being good friends to her anyway. Temperamental figured it out when one of them said “Stop following us around, you creepy whore.”

 

(Undetermined Theme plays)

 

Android was at the awesome place called the Juice Box, cramming her stomach with as many cups of delicious juice as she possibly could. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. Suddenly, Trite walked in, looking very Chexy.

 

“About that day at the bridge…” he began.

 

“I’m FINE! Completely FINE!” Android bellowed.

 

“You sure?” Trite asked. “Because I could make you better.” He leans in to kiss her.

 

“Stop!” Android leans back. “First of all, you have a girlfriend. And second of all, it’s not the right mood at all. You have to do it in front of a disaster scene.”

 

“That’s true,” Trite replied. He walked to the counter and ordered some juice. He then sat next to a girl with long blonde hair and thick lips that were covered in Coral Blue #3. Every guy was staring at her, even the workers who frankly should be doing their damn job. It was Verydrama. Android finished her last cup of delicious juice and stormed out of the room.

 

&&&

 

Braindead was heading to Jerk’s house to hand him schoolwork he missed on Friday. He walked upstairs to spot a bizarre happenstance. Upstairs, Jerk was kissing Morepain upstairs. Not kissing, actually, in Braindead’s mind. Neither of them were very good at it. But anyway, they broke up! He was so confused, so he took refuge in the only place he could: The Juice Box.

 

&&&

 

Morepain pulled away, panting. “That. Was. Swell,” she said before collapsing on Jerk’s bed.

 

“Hey, want me to kiss you some more?” Jerk asked seductively.

 

She couldn’t tell if he was kidding. He’s already used up his kissing coupon for the day. She decided to say “Shut up.” She patted herself on the back, proud of coming up with that one all by herself.

 

“I love it when you blatantly reject my advances,” Jerk said, jumping on top of her and kissing her with a devilish grin on his very handsome face. She pulled away.

 

“What’s the matter?” Jerk said, confused as to how no means no.

 

“Ohstoneme,” she said in about a breath and a quarter.

 

“Okay, if that’s your fetish…”

 

“No! My friend, Ohstoneme. She’s waiting for me at the airport.” Recently Ohstoneme had gone to WaterFalls for her Aunt Inga’s funeral. And now she’s back. Yay, more characters!

 

“Oh,” Jerk said. He knew that he was a bag of dog shit compared to Ohstoneme. The two had been inseparable since they were four years old. Jerk keeps waiting for that day when he trumps Ohstoneme, but it hasn’t happened yet.

 

Morepain walks out, and Jerk remembers that Braindead was being a pervy pervert. So he picks up his cell phone.

 

“Hello?” Braindead asks.

 

“Just so you know…” Jerk replies, “You didn’t see anything.”

 

“Dad, I already know about your scat fetish. It’s too late,” Braindead says.

 

“What? No! It’s me, Jerk. And you didn’t see anything.”

 

“Why don’t you want anyone to know about you and Morepain dating again?” Braindead asks. “Ohhh. You’re hiding something, aren’t you?”

 

“Yes! You got it! That’s exactly what I’m doing! I’m hiding something! Wow, you should get, like, a medal or something, for your deduction skills.”

 

“I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.”

 

“Me neither. But I did bang this other chick, so…”

 

&&&

 

Morepain made it to the airport, and saw her best friend looking totally stoned. Well, it is Ohstoneme, so what the hell.

 

“Ohstoneme!” Morepain squaked.

 

“Oh. Em. Gee. Like, no way!” Ohstoneme perked up.

 

When they got close, Morepain realized that Ohstoneme didn’t actually look that stoned. In fact, she looked like a movie star. And not one of those burned-out ones, either.

 

Ohstoneme lived in Bikini Wax because she loved to act. Bikini Wax is really close to Coralwood, which is about thirty minutes away. So, yeah. Another city that I could have written about. Ohstoneme’s mother pushed her to do acting because Smeara, her mother, couldn’t pay the bills. As a result, Ohstoneme was always under a lot of stress. Join the club, Ohstoneme. Her mother relied on her to bring home money, instead of getting a job herself. Classic child star story.

 

Morepain realized all these emotions in Ohstoneme’s movie star face, and their minds were the same as they hugged.

 

“So, uh… wanna party?” Morepain asked.

 

Well, does she? Stay tuned to find out!