Leaderboard

Gens 5 and 6 will both always have special places in my heart being such huge parts of my childhood, but I feel I was too young to really take in the full scope of Gen 5 and I kinda squandered my Gen 6 years by not branching out of my comfort zone and missing out on a lot of cool shit (both for family financial reasons and me just being too much of a dumb to look past the likes of Crash, Spyro, Tekken, DBZ, Soul Calibur, Kingdom Hearts, Grand Theft Auto). Gen 7 was the first time my family was able to eventually get all three of the main consoles and the sheer backwards compatibility of those early models allowed me to make up for lost gen 5 (mainly just the PS1 library) and 6 time throughout each of the PS3, 360 and Wii’s lifetimes on top of everything coming out during that time like Dead Rising, Assassin’s Creed, Dead Space, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, BioShock, Batman Arkham, Infamous, Prototype, Dragon’s Dogma, Uncharted, The Last of Us etc I could go on. I was old enough to fully appreciate and take everything in that I could. Not to mention that this generation is also home to the DS and PSP, the two things that made my school days more bearable and a lot more fun (for better or worse) thanks to online play and the DS’ very generous Download Play option that blew the Gameboys out of the water. Having a full GTA experience on the go, in the palm of your hands, WITH multiplayer is enough to give any generation the dub in my book.

I'll use 500 Cosmic Jelly to get the Flying Pizza Collectible!

JCM Counsels a Hawk (JCM is in his office with a student.) Student: So, what am I supposed to do about my depression? JCM: Well, I was depressed for 30 seconds yesterday, so I would say I have extensive experience with it! Student: And? JCM: Just think happy thoughts and you’ll cheer up in no time! Student: I…don’t think that’s how it works. JCM: Who’s the therapist here? Student: You aren’t a therapist! You’re a fucking school counselor! I can’t believe I went to you with this! You’re worse than Seb! (The student runs out of the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.) JCM: Hi there, Mr. Alpha! What’s troubling you? HawkbitAlpha: It’s my little brother, HawkbitZeta. He won’t talk to me, and he’s failing all his classes, including my math class. JCM: That’s terrible! HawkbitAlpha: And that’s not all. I found these in his backpack. (HawkbitAlpha reveals a pair of Groucho glasses from under his shirt.) JCM: Oh, my gosh! What are those? HawkbitAlpha: Remnants of a life I left behind. I’m going to send my brother here the next time he’s in class with me, so do you think you can get through to him? JCM: I know I can! HawkbitAlpha: Thanks. (HawkbitAlpha gives JCM the Groucho glasses.) HawkbitAlpha: Also, could you do me a favor and not tell HawkbitZeta I swiped these from him? JCM: Of course! Consider these protected by doctor-patient Miss-Congeniality! HawkbitAlpha: You mean confidentiality? JCM: So it’s not like the Sandra Bullock movie? HawkbitAlpha: No. JCM: Darn! Well, your secret’s safe with me, anyway! (Later that day, HawkbitZeta walks into JCM’s office.) JCM: Is there anything you want to talk to me about? HawkbitZeta: No. My stupid older brother sent me here! JCM: Why do you think he did that? HawkbitZeta: Because he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to mind his own business! (JCM nods before slowly placing the Groucho glasses on his desk.) JCM: Do you know me what these are? HawkbitZeta: That…that was in my backpack! (HawkbitZeta opens his backpack and realizes the glasses are no longer in them.) HawkbitZeta: Were you going through my stuff? JCM: (nervously) No? HawkbitZeta: Then where the fuck did you get those glasses from? JCM: I’m sorry, but my shrink book says I’m only supposed to ask questions early on because it’s about you, you know? HawkbitZeta: You piece of shit! You think you can steal from me and get away with it? JCM: Calm down, please? (HawkbitZeta grabs the Groucho glasses and puts them on.) HawkbitZeta: If you thought my brother was a menace, you’re going to hate me! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the office and then runs into HawkbitAlpha’s classroom.) HawkbitAlpha: What’s going on? And why are you wearing those? HawkbitZeta: That guidance counselor you sent me to stole these from me! HawkbitAlpha: He…did? HawkbitZeta: So I need you to go to the principal with me so we can get him fired! HawkbitAlpha: I…I can’t do that. HawkbitZeta: Why not? It will be like the old days, with HawkbitAlpha, master of disguise, and his apprentice, HawkbitZeta! Just the two of us, making trouble together! HawkbitAlpha: That was never real. I was never a “master of disguise”. I was just a kid with a lot of issues. And I don’t want you to start getting those same issues, which is why I took those glasses out of your backpack. (HawkbitZeta begins to back away.) HawkbitZeta: It was you? HawkbitAlpha: Yes, but you need to understand… HawkbitZeta: No! Fuck you! I’m sick of this class, I’m sick of this school, I’m sick of everything! (HawkbitZeta runs out of the classroom, and HawkbitAlpha follows him.) HawkbitAlpha: Wait! (HawkbitZeta raises a middle finger as he runs out the school. JCM then comes out of his office.) JCM: Did we fix him? HawkbitAlpha: What do you think? JCM: I’ll guess…yes! HawkbitAlpha: You’re a fucking idiot, JCM. (HawkbitAlpha walks back into his classroom sadly.) JCM: Think happy thoughts, Mr. Alpha! (to himself) I wonder what happened to his brother. (HawkbitZeta is sitting outside the school and crying. He suddenly feels an ice-cold hand touch his shoulder.) Voice: So, you want to be a master of disguise? (HawkbitZeta looks up to find that Tucker Tuckerson is now standing beside him.) HawkbitZeta: I mean, I don’t not want that. Tucker: Then come with me into my candy van, and I’ll teach you how to turn into whatever you want! HawkbitZeta: I don’t know…I feel like I’ve been getting warned about people like you since kindergarten. Tucker: Listen…if you want some real power, follow me. Otherwise, stay right there, crying about shit the world does to you, instead of doing some shit to the world for once. (Tucker starts walking to a black van with “CANDY” spray painted in white on it that is parked on the side of the street. HawkbitZeta hesitates before following him.) Tucker: I knew you would come to your senses. HawkbitZeta: Do you have Kinder Bueno in that van? Tucker: It’s not an actual candy van. HawkbitZeta: Fuck! (The End)

JCM Experiences the Stages of Grief (JCM walks into Shinya's Korean restaurant.) JCM: Take a look at SBC's new guidance counselor! Sauce Mama: Oh my God, JCM, I'm so happy for you! JCM: (eyes widen) Sauce? What are you doing here? Sauce Mama: I'm the newest waitress! Shinya offered me job once I told him I was back in town! (JCM starts babbling incoherently.) Sauce Mama: Aww, JCM, are you still in love with me? JCM: Where's Shinya? Sauce Mama: In the kitchen. Why? (JCM runs into the kitchen.) Shinya: JCM? What are you doing back here? JCM: Why did you replace me with my half-sister? Shinya: Sauce has worked with my longer than you have! Why wouldn't I bring in somebody I knew could do the job? JCM: It's just...I didn't expect you to move on so quickly. Shinya: Don't tell me you want to come back already! JCM: No! I...I'm doing great! I'm actually reading this book about being a good shrink that's over a thousand pages long! And right now, I'm learning about the stages of grief, but that...that doesn't mean I'm in denial! Shinya: Really? Because it sounds like you're in denial. (JCM walks out of the kitchen.) JCM: Can I get a table, Sauce? Sauce Mama: Sure! Anything for my bro! (Sauce Mama leads JCM to a table, and he sits down at it.) Sauce Mama: Can I give you anything to drink while you're waiting to order? It's on me! JCM: I...I...crap! I'm sorry for the coarse language, Sauce, but I'm feeling really mad all of a sudden. Sauce Mama: I've got just the thing for that: weed soda! It's legal here and it will mellow you right up! (Sauce Mama goes into the kitchen, and Shinya comes out of it shortly after. JCM runs to Shinya.) JCM: You've gotta give me my job back! I'll do anything! Shinya: Sounds like you're at the bargaining stage. JCM: How do you know about that? Shinya: It's one of the most overused tropes in television, JCM! Get a grip on yourself! JCM: (crying) I made a mistake! You told me I was making a mistake when I quit to become a teacher again, but I didn't listen! I'm sorry! (Shinya grabs JCM's shoulders.) Shinya: No. I'm the one who made the mistake. I was just used to you being around, but now that you've spent some time back at the school doing what you love, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you. JCM: But...I don't love it! I thought I did, but I don't. Shinya: That's the depression talking. I know you'll be a great guidance counselor, but you have to know it, too. (Sauce Mama walks out of the kitchen with a large glass of weed soda.) Sauce Mama: Am I...interrupting something? JCM: (wipes away tears) No. Sauce Mama: Great! Here's your federally controlled substance packaged in an unhealthy carbonated beverage! (Sauce Mama gives JCM the glass, and he drinks all of it in less than a second.) Sauce Mama: What the fuck? You weren't supposed to drink it all that fast! (JCM starts laughing.) JCM: I've done it! I've learned to accept that I'm not working here anymore! And I feel great! Sauce Mama: You're probably going to be feeling something else soon. JCM: What? (Suddenly, everything becomes sepia-toned, and everybody inside the restaurant now has afros and 1970s-era clothing on.) JCM: Uh-oh. (CNF, CDCB, Cha, and a capybara run into the restaurant.) CNF: There you are, JCM! JCM: The first things I can think of that start with the letter C? I guess it's just one of those days. Cha: We found a major clue in that mystery we've been investigating! JCM: Mystery? What mystery? CDCB: We don't have time for exposition! But that does remind me of a joke... CNF and Cha: No! CDCB: Never mind, then. Just know that we have to go now! It's urgent! Capybara: Right! Rit's rurgent! JCM: Sorry, Shin and Sauce. I need to leave with my friends and our talking capybara. Shinya: I understand. Hey, get better. And stay out of the street! JCM: You got it! (JCM runs out the restaurant with the others.) Shinya: (sniffs) They grow up so fast. (The End)

I was on a Desperados III kick when I wrote this about two and a half years ago (FUCK). This was originally supposed to be the first part of a trilogy in somewhat of an homage to The Dollars Trilogy, but I gave up on that idea pretty fast. It was the first thing I wrote post-Deathmatch so it holds a special place in my arteries somewhere. This is 2020’s “A Deadeye for an Eye”

SpongeBob SquarePants: Friday, April 7th: 7:00pm EDT: Delivery to Monster Island (285A): SpongeBob and Plankton must work together to survive an island of deadly monsters.

JCM Annoys Anonymous Alcohols (aka Alliteration is (Still) Awesome!) (JCM walks into Fred’s English class.) Fred: JCM, why the fuck aren’t you wearing green? JCM: Was I supposed to? Fred: Yes, you were supposed to! Look at everyone here! Where’s your holiday spirit? JCM: Christmas was over two months ago, wasn’t it? Fred: It’s better than Christmas! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, the only day we can drink all day and not be criticized for it! (Fred drinks half a bottle of vodka before continuing his English lesson.) Fred: Today we’re going to talk about the past parti…partiplical. Nah, fuck that. Class dismissed. Students: Yay! (All of the students immediately take bottles of liquor out of their backpacks and drink from them.) JCM: Fred, aren’t you going to do something? All of those students are underaged! Fred: (laughs) Didn’t you hear? Class is over! They aren’t my responsi-bluh-blility anymore! (After school is over, JCM walks down the streets of Circuit City, where there are drunk people and wrecked cars everywhere.) JCM: There must be somewhere I can go where everyone isn’t drinking themselves to death! (JCM notices a sign pinned to a pole with the words “Want to Go Somewhere Where Everyone Isn’t Drinking Themselves to Death? Stop by Lucky’s on 8th Street!” JCM then goes to Lucky’s on 8th Street.) JCM: Hello? (JCM finds a leprechaun in the room with a group of older adults.) Leprechaun: Hey there! I’m Lucky! What’s your name? JCM: JCM. Group: Hi, JCM. Lucky: So, how long have you had problems with alcohol? JCM: My whole life! I’ve never understood why everyone around me drank so much, especially on St. Patrick’s Day! Lucky: (chuckles) Yes, it is hard to resist the pressure to do what everyone else does. JCM: Not for me! I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life! (The people in the group mutter among themselves.) Lucky: JCM, you do realize this is an AA meeting, right? JCM: What’s AA? Lucky: Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning it’s for recovering alcoholics, like me and everybody else here. JCM: Can’t I stay here anyway? Lucky: Not to be a gatekeeper, but you need to get the fuck out of here. You aren’t like us. (The people in the group mutter in agreement.) Lucky: You aren’t even wearing green. What kind of asshole doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? JCM: You…you’re the a-hole! You’re pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do! Lucky: Until you know what it’s like…to have your wife hate you, have your children hate you, have your entire country hate you, you wouldn’t understand. (Suddenly, everything is in black and white.) JCM: What happened to the color? (JCM is by himself now, and he notices a younger Lucky walking into a bar.) Lucky: (voiceover) When I was a wee lad, I went to pubs all over the world spreading St. Patrick’s Day spirit. JCM: Where’s that voice coming from? This is scary! I want to go back! Lucky: (voiceover) Shut the fuck up. Anyway, Americans soon tired of my antics. (The young Lucky gets thrown out of the bar and stumbles down the sidewalk, clearly drunk.) Lucky: (voiceover) They locked me up… (JCM is now in a 1930s prison cell with a young Lucky.) Lucky: (voiceover) They discriminated against Irish people everywhere… (JCM is in front of an old shop with a sign on the door saying “Irish Need Not Apply”.) Lucky: (voiceover) And I became the most hated Irishman in the world because of it. Now, there are only disgusting caricatures of me… (JCM is in a Lucky Charms commercial.) Cartoon Lucky: Stay away from me Lucky Charms! (Kids immediately beat the cartoon Lucky up and steal his pot of cereal.) Lucky: (voice) And I’m banned from ever entering Ireland again. I’m even banned from Northern Ireland, which is some real bullshit. (JCM is back in the AA meeting, and he looks around, still not certain that everything is real.) Lucky: Do you understand now? Do you understand why I can’t let somebody who hasn’t had the sweet, sweet taste of alcohol completely fuck up their life be in here with us? JCM: No. Lucky: Fuck it. Sorry, guys. You all are on your own. I’ve been sober for 80 years, but starting now, I’m done. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and my green ass is getting plastered! JCM: Is your…butt actually green? (Lucky pats JCM on the shoulder.) Lucky: I’ll let you think about that one. (Lucky leaves the building named after him, and the people in the group look at each other with confusion.) JCM: I may not be like you all, but I know what it’s like to let an addiction ruin your life. (JCM thinks for a moment.) JCM: His butt isn’t actually green! It’s a figure of speech! (The people in the group look at each other with confusion again.) JCM: Also, for so long, I was addicted to the thought of being a teacher at the SpongeBob Community School. For one moment, for one brief, beautiful moment, I had it, but then, I lost it…now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not what I want after all. (The next morning, JCM walks into the principal’s office at the school, where Jjs is sitting at his desk in sunglasses.) JCM: Jjs, I know what I want to teach now! Jjs: Why the fuck are you being so loud? Take it down like 20, 30 decibels! JCM: (whispering) Sorry. Anyway, I know what I want to teach: nothing! Jjs: Huh? JCM: I want to be the new guidance counselor. What I want to be…is somebody who helps other people know what they want to be. Jjs: Okay. JCM: Okay? So, you’ll let me do it? Jjs: Sure, if it means you’ll leave me alone. In case you can’t tell, I’m a bit hungover. (JCM sprints out of the principal’s office and dances down the hallway as the students and teachers around him groan and walk sluggishly. Fred shakes his head before going into his English class.) Fred: Fucking show-off. (The End)

I spent HOURS stomping... KOOPAS... at my local laundromat.

JCM Gets Attacked by Bullies (JCM and Trophy are walking out of the teachers lounge and drinking coffee.) JCM: You know, I used to be the PE teacher! Trophy: Easiest gig ever, right? What do you do now? JCM: I’m…not sure. (Suddenly, three teenage boys with leather jackets and slicked-back hair walk up to JCM and Trophy.) Boy 1: Ey! Gimme yer cawwfee! Trophy: Mine? Boy 2: Both of youse! JCM: We’re teachers! You can’t tell us what to do! (The second boy kicks JCM in the shin, causing him to fall to the ground and spill his coffee.) Trophy: Don’t need to tell me twice. (Trophy gives the first boy his coffee, and after a sip, he spits it onto JCM’s face.) Boy 1: This tastes like shit! Trophy: What did you expect it to taste like? It’s coffee. Boy 1: Better than this! I dunno why you grownups drink this! (The boy gives Trophy the coffee back before going into the cafeteria with his two friends.) Trophy: Are you alright, JCM? JCM: Aside from the fact that I can’t walk or move my face anymore, sure! Trophy: Great! Because class is about to start, so I’m off to the gym! (Trophy starts walking away.) JCM: Wait! I was being fictitious! Face-e-shush? Oh, forget it! (The third teenage boy approaches a student in the cafeteria.) Boy 3: Gimme yer lunch money…or you’ll get a pounding! Student: (sweating) Okay! Do you have Venmo? Boy 3: Huh? Student: Cashapp? Boy 3: (annoyed) Are you just makin’ up words? Student: Most of us don’t pay for our lunch in cash. We do it on one of those apps I just mentioned. Boy 3: Fuck kind of bougie-ass school is this? You better have cash on you tomorrow or you’re gettin’ a pounding! (The student nods and runs off. Later that day, Jjs is in his office with Seb, the guidance counselor.) Jjs: What am I supposed to do about these bullies tormenting everyone? Seb: have you tried taking away their phones? Jjs: That’s the thing! They aren’t cyber bullies! They’re IRL bullies! Seb: irl bullies? i thought mark zuckerberg killed those off ten years ago by making bullying people online easier than ever before! Jjs: (sighs) I did, too. I have no idea how to approach this. Seb: what if we brought in somebody who has experience with irl bullying? Jjs: You don’t mean… Seb: do you have any better ideas? (The next day, ExKizuna walks into jjs’s office.) Jjs: I wish we were meeting under happier circumstances. ExKizuna: It’s okay. I’m happy to make up for my ugly history at the school by using what I know to help you guys! Jjs: Are you sure you’ll be able to get rid of them? ExKizuna: Absolutely! And I’ll do it without throwing a single punch! (Wintermelon is walking down the hallway when he sees the teenage boys approach him wielding hammers.) Boy 1: Ey, boys! Youse ever crushed a winter melon before? Wintermelon: I…I was just kidding about your jackets being lame! I swear! Boy 2: Too late! It’s time for us to get a looks inside you! (ExKizuna jumps in between the boys and Winter.) ExKizuna: Put the hammers down. Boy 3: Or what? ExKizuna: Listen, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been in your shoes before. You think the world doesn’t care about you, doesn’t care about what you’re feeling, so you lash out, take your anger out on everything and everyone around you, but I promise you. There are people who care. There are people willing to listen. You just have to let your walls down and accept them in. Accept us in. Tell me what’s on your minds. Boy 1: What’s on my mind…is that there’s a giant…fucking letter…trying to tell me what the fuck to do. Boys? Boy 2: Yeah? Boy 3: Yeah? Boy 1: It’s hammer time! ExKizuna: Oh come on! That reference is super dated! (The boys start swinging their hammers at ExKizuna. Teachers and students come out of nearby rooms to watch the fight.) ExKizuna: Well, I tried to resolve this peacefully. (ExKizuna grabs the hammer the second boy swings at him and uses it to swing the second boy around before throwing him into the other two boys. The three boys then charge at him, and ExKizuna punches and kicks them while avoiding the punches thrown his way. After several minutes, the boys are laying on the ground bruised and defeated.) Boy 1: Alright. You win. We’ll shove off. Unless there’s anyone here who wants us to stick around. (The teachers and students watching them are silent.) Boy 1: (sniffs) Fine! All we wanted to do was to shake things up! We neva meant nobody no harm! Wintermelon: You were literally just about to murder me with hammers. Boy 1: DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT SATIRE IS? (The boys leave of the school, and the students and teachers cheer. Jjs then walks up to ExKizuna.) Jjs: What happened to not throwing a single punch? ExKizuna: I didn’t throw a single punch! I threw six…or seven. (JCM peeks out of the teacher’s lounge.) JCM: Is it safe? ExKizuna: JCM! (ExKizuna runs to JCM, and JCM instinctively flinches right before ExKizuna hugs him.) JCM: Wow! I’m not in as much pain as I thought I would be! Still in pain, though. ExKizuna: Sorry. (ExKizuna lets go of JCM, and they walk outside the school with Jjs and Seb right behind them.) Seb: things have really changed over the years, haven’t they? Jjs: Some things have, but not all of them. You’re still the guidance counselor, after all. Seb: oh, that reminds me. I quit. ExKizuna, Jjs, and JCM: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? (The End)

I'll use 400 Cosmic Jelly to get the Karate King Collectible!

JCM Hunts for Lost Media (JCM walks into the principal’s office, where jjs and OWM are waiting for him.) JCM: The Open Window Maniac? Why are you here? OWM: I’m the vice principal now. JCM: Man, things have gotten weird since I left. Jjs: Correction: since you were fired. JCM: Some antics. OWM: You mean semantics? JCM: Isn’t that what I just said? Jjs: Moving on, the reason I’ve called you here is because I need you and OWM to go on a top-secret mission. JCM: Wow, you trust me enough to let me go on a top-secret mission? Jjs: No. That’s why I’m sending OWM with you. And her. (JCM notices SG coming into the office behind him.) Jjs: Meet our new science teacher! JCM: SG? I didn’t know you liked science. SG: My name is literally short for “Science Girl”. JCM: Really? I thought it was short for “sour grapes”! SG: (rolls eyes) Why do we have to bring this dumbass with us? Jjs: Because if he’s out there with you two, it means he doesn’t have to be here with me. JCM: So, what’s the mission? Jjs: For years, there have been rumors about the unaired pilot episode of Drake & Josh, the one that had a different actor for the dad. Apparently, it wasn’t just the dad who ended up getting played by someone else. Drake’s sister Megan wasn’t played by Miranda Cosgrove in that pilot but instead by the up-and-coming actress…Selena Gomez. JCM: (gasps) Who’s Selena Gomez? OWM: You know, the star of Wizards of Waverly Place, the most followed woman on Insta, basically the queen of Gen Z? JCM: Doesn’t ring a bell. Jjs: All you need to know is that if this pilot episode is ever found, it will be the biggest discovery in the history of lost media, bigger than Crybaby Lane, bigger than Clock Man, bigger than all of them! And selling it will more than make up for what we lost giving all of the teachers raises. (SG opens a map of the city onto Jjs’s desk.) OWM: They still make physical maps? SG: I’ve been interested in seeing this episode for a while, and by reaching out to people on the show’s staff, some online sleuths managed to figure out that the episode was recorded on a VHS tape that was then hidden in the mountains that surround Circuit City. (SG points to the mountains on the map.) SG: Hundreds of lost media enthusiasts are already in those mountains seeking the fame and fortune that comes with finding a tape like this, but using science… JCM: Ooh, science! SG: …I’ve been able to triangulate this tape’s exact location. (SG pulls out her phone and opens a map app on it.) OWM: Now that’s a map! SG: Based real time data, we can determine that the tape is right… (A marker appears on a small section of the map on SG’s phone.) SG: There! Jjs: Great! Now get over there and find that tape before anybody else does! (OWM, JCM, and SG get into OWM’s car, and he drives them to the mountains, which already has hundreds of cars in front of it.) OWM: This is gonna be a clusterfuck. (OWM, JCM, and SG spend hours climbing one of the mountains until they stop at a cave.) SG: (looks at phone) This is it. These are the coordinates. (SG turns on the flashlight of her phone before entering the cave with JCM and OWM.) SG: It should be around here somewhere… OWM: I see it! (OWM pulls a VHS tape out of a crack in the wall.) JCM: I’m surprised none of those other lost media guys followed us! Voice: Well, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re very wrong. (OWM, JCM, and SG turn around to find a bearded man in a fedora pointing a gun at them.) OWM: Mr. Enter? Mr. Enter: I may not be as popular as I once was, but I still have eyes and ears at your school, and once I make a video about finding this tape, I’ll be more popular than ever! OWM: Please, Enter. This tape isn’t worth killing us over. Mr. Enter: You don’t know how hard it is. Ever since I released my Turning Red review last year, everybody thinks I’m a joke! OWM: That’s not fair. Almost everybody thought you were a joke already before that review! Mr. Enter: (growls) Now you’re really gonna die for that! (JCM is blinded by a flash, and he hears gunshots echo through the cave. He turns to OWM, terrified, but once his eyesight recovers, he realizes that OWM is completely fine. He turns to Mr. Enter just as he stumbles to the ground with holes in his chest, and then he turns to SG, who is pointing a smoking gun at Mr. Enter’s body.) JCM: SG…you have a gun? SG: I’m from Texas! Of course I have a gun! (SG then points the gun at OWM.) OWM: The fuck? SG: I have a confession to make: my name isn’t actually short for Science Girl. JCM: I knew it! SG: It’s short for…Selena Gomez. OWM: (eyes widen) That’s impossible! You look nothing like Selena Gomez! (SG pulls off a blonde wig, revealing black hair underneath it.) OWM: Oh, I see it now! SG: Figured if Hannah Montana could get away with it, I could, too. JCM: Wait…Hannah Montana is wearing a wig? SG: I’m done with this discussion. Just know that the reason I was replaced for the role of Megan was because I did poorly with test audiences. I did eventually improve enough to be Disney’s first choice for Alex Russo, but still: This tape getting out would be bad for my image, and I didn’t get 400 million Instagram followers by doing things that were bad for my image. Hopefully, two missing teachers, a missing vice principal, and a missing YouTube vlogger will be enough to discourage anybody else from poking his nose where it doesn't belong! (SG pulls the trigger of her gun, but it does nothing.) SG: The hell? I reloaded this right before I got here! Voice: You forgot to set it to W... (Wumbology jumps out of a helicopter in front of the mountain.) Wumbology: ...for Wumbo! SG: How did you find us? Wumbology: Science! That's how! JCM: Hooray for science! (Wumbology approaches SG in the cave.) Wumbology: Science is also how I jammed your gun! I was expecting to have to use the technology against Mr. Enter, but as long as I get what I'm here for, I don't care. (Wumbology goes to OWM and snatches the tape from him.) Wumbology: With this, I'll be un-deported in no time! Bye, nerds! (Wumbology jumps back into his helicopter and flies off.) OWM: So...who is Hannah Montana under the wig? SG: You didn't hear it from me, but Miley Cyrus. OWM: The Wrecking Ball singer? No fucking way! (The End)

woooo i have enough jelly to buy gaming community skin, i'll take one sir

JCM Quells Another Teacher's Union (Jjs walks into Superintendent Tvguy’s office. Tvguy is now wearing a bald cap, glasses and a fake goatee.) Tvguy: Jjs-sie, we need to cook…up a scheme to stop this teachers’ strike! Jjs: Uh… (Tvguy takes off the bald cap and glasses.) Tvguy: It’s me, tvguy! Remember when I impersonated iconic television characters? Just trying to lighten the mood with everything that’s going on. Jjs: Right. Anyway, I offered the teachers our terms, and they were so pissed off that they refuse to negotiate with me again. Tvguy: Who leads the union now? Jjs: Clappy. (Tvguy dials Clappy’s number on his cell phone.) Clappy: (on the phone) Hello? Tvguy: How’s it going, Claps? Clappy: I hope you’re calling me to make a real offer. Tvguy: You have your offer. A 1% raise for all teachers. Clappy: We’re asking for 20% and extra benefits! And we aren’t going to work again until we get it! (Tvguy puts his bald cap and glasses back on then takes a deep breath.) Tvguy: First, take a big step back... and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of Narcos-sian bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but SBC, Claps, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! Clappy: Are you finished? Tvguy: Yeah. Clappy: Good. I’m not talking to you, anymore, either, so if you want the strike to end, you’ll have to send somebody new. (Clappy hangs up.) Tvguy: (sighs) How many teachers can we hire on short notice? Jjs: In March? About zero. Tvguy: Damn it! I’m left no choice, then. I have to call JCM. Jjs: JCM? Why? Tvguy: The last time the teachers went on strike, he managed to fix it. I don’t know why, but he’s a good luck charm. Jjs: Tvguy, I was your vice principal then, and I remember the strike ending despite his stupidity, not because of it! Tvguy: Maybe this bald cap squeezing my head in combination with the copious amount of drugs I’ve done is affecting my decision making, but I’m still bringing JCM in. Jjs: If you do that, superintendent, you’ll have to fire me. Tvguy: Okay. (Tvguy starts dialing JCM’s number on his cell phone.) Jjs: Wait! I was just kidding! Fuck! JCM: (on the phone) Hello? Tvguy: Hey, JCM, It’s me, tvguy. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? JCM: (laughs) Yeah, it has! So, what are you calling about? Tvguy: The teachers at SBC are striking again, and I need you to get them to stop. JCM: What’s in it for me? Tvguy: I’ll make you a teacher again. Jjs: No! No! Don’t! JCM: You’ve got a deal! Tvguy: Great! The union office is right across the street from the Taco Bell near the school. You remember where that is? JCM: Of course! My stomach is still irreparably harmed from the number of times I’ve had lunch there! Tvguy: (chuckles) Mine, too, JCM. Mine, too. Once you’re at the union office, just tell Clappy you’re there to negotiate on behalf of the school, and he’ll set everything up from there. JCM: Will do! Tvguy: And make sure to get the best deal you can for us! Teachers may be quitting and demanding raises everywhere, but other schools don’t have a weapon like you to use against them. JCM: Oh, tvguy, I’m blushing. Nobody’s called me a weapon before. Jjs: (rolls eyes) Get a room! Tvguy: We’re both counting on you, JCM. Now, get it done! (An hour later, JCM walks into tvguy’s office.) Tvguy: You got the deal done? JCM: Yep! Here are the papers! (JCM gives tvguy a thick manilla envelope.) Tvguy: I knew we could count on you! Jjs: What exactly were the terms you agreed to? JCM: They didn’t make it easy, but I managed to talk them down from a 20% raise to a 30% one. (Tvguy drops the envelope, and jjs starts laughing hysterically.) Tvguy: JCM…you do realize that 30% is more than 20%, right? JCM: No! (pauses) No? Tvguy: (sighs) Well, that’s what I get for expecting lightning to strike twice. Jjs: Can we fire JCM again? Pretty please? Tvguy: Sorry, I’m a man of my word. JCM is officially your problem again. JCM: Yay! Jjs: (sighs) I knew I should have become a plumber. I’d be scooping up a lot less shit than I am right now. Tvguy: Speaking of shit, who wants Taco Bell and all the negative repercussions of Taco Bell on me? JCM: I do! Jjs: If you’re paying, I guess I’ll have some, too. (Tvguy, jjs, and JCM start to walk out of the office.) Tvguy: You knew I was just kidding about it being on me, right? Jjs: Goddamn it! (The End)