The Killer Krab

[Old Man Jenkins]

Spinny Award Winner!!

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Plot: Don't cross the boss...

Chapter I: Workers Compensation? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob wakes up one morning and undergoes his morning ritual of barfing out Snail-Po and hitting the plush weights before getting dressed for work. He still remembers the brief conversation he had with Mr. Krabs the day before about a, what Krabs called, "a promotion." Spongebob gleefully strutted to the streets as he usually does on the way to work almost every morning.

Spongebob: I'm ready! PROMOTION! I'm ready! PROMOTION!

From within the confines of the Krusty Krab, Eugene H. Krabs, the restaurant's sole proprietor, lies in wait as the playful sponge makes his way inside. Mr. Squidward is already there, working double-overtime as he usually does, working the register whilst "reading" the latest issue of Playsquid. Spongebob enters the establishment and grabs his hat off the once-there-and-gone-again hat rack.

Spongebob: Well, back to the ole grind!

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, SPONGEBOB GET OUT HERE!

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Alright lad, remember the terms of that "promotion" we parleyed about yesterday?

Spongebob: A PROMO, A PROMO, A PROMOTION?!

Mr. Krabs: Stay with me here, boy! Spongebob, ye be the best fry cook I ever had on me payroll. Ye should consider yerself to be lucky I even pay you at all. It was a tough decision on me part, but between ye and Mr. Squidward, I had no choice.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I. Am. Honored! To help usher in a whole new era in the history of the Krusty Krab!

Mr. Krabs: Don't get to ahead of yerself, boy. We still have to...trim the fat.

Spongebob: Trim the fat, sir? But what about the Krabby Patties?

Mr. Krabs: Not the patties, boy! "Administratively" speaking.

Spongebob: I'm not quite following your lead here, sir.

Mr. Krabs. Grrrrrr, it's Mr. Squidward. He's threatening me with a lawsuit if I don't provide him with some workers comp. Can ye believe it?! That no good eel in the coral wants me to pay for his mistake!

Spongebob: *gasps* We should be paying you!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! This lawsuit could ruin me and me restaurant! Which is why I want to "deal" with Squidward now.

Spongebob: Right now?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, right nooooow. The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake! I need you to send him into me office, lad. I'll take care of business there.

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs heads into his office as Spongebob approaches Squidward.

Spongebob: Yoo hoooo, Squidward!

Squidward, not amused, put his Playsquid down before flashing his "I Really Wish I Weren't Here" button.

Squidward: What is it now, Spongebob? That crustaceous cheapskate has me working double-overtime with a sprained tentacle.

Spongebob: About that, Mr. Krabs wants to discuss some business with you in his office.

Squidward: I knew Eugene would come around sooner or later. Out of the way, Spongebob. I have history to make.

Squidward strolls on over to Mr. Krab's office with a big smile on his face. He shuts the door behind him as Spongebob tries to listen in from the kitchen window, flipping those patties to nonchalantly cover his eavesdropping. All that could be heard was a brief yelp and a "SPLAT" before the office fell into dead silence. Mr. Krabs exits his office, letting out a loud of sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaahhh, the deed is done.

Krabs takes a slightly bloody Krusty Krew hat out of his pocket and places it on Spongebob's head alongside the hat he is currently wearing.

Mr. Krabs: How does Head Fry Cook and Cashier sound, Mr. Squarepants?

Spongebob: I don't know what to say! I'm speechless! But what happened to Squidward?

Mr. Krabs: He went out...to...run some errands. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Krabs casually strolled back into his office, still laughing as he does so, leaving Spongebob to take in the excitement his promotion has brought him. Krabs would later stuff something into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[Cha]

I am hooked already. Like the references.

 

Edited June 5, 2017 by Austin Layers

[Old Man Jenkins]

Chapter II: Whale of a Tale

One day, Spongebob Squarepants was working the register, taking orders before heading out back into the kitchen to serve up those said orders. Mr. Krabs was observing the joy his food brings to his not-so valued customers and all the profit that it rakes in.

Tom: Do you have change for this dollar?

Spongebob: Would you like four quarters? Or ten dimes? Or twenty nickels? Or one-hundred pennies?! Or-

Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name are ye doin', lad! You're throwing away all me money!

Tom: I just want some chan-

Mr. Krabs: We don't do change here, bub! So why don't ye get lost and scram!

Tom: This is going on my Yelp.

Obviously too old to know what this Yelp is, Mr. Krabs consults his Head Cashier & Fry Cook.

Mr. Krabs: What's this Yelp that land lubber was blabbering on about?

Spongebob: Perhaps it was that sound that Squidward made before he went off on his errands. Or that website where everyone's a critic.

Mr. Krabs: What? He'll slander me restaurant! We have to do something, boy!

Spongebob: What should we do, Mr. Krabs?! The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Mr. Krabs: Send him into me office. I'll take care of the rest.

Krabs retreats into his office as Spongebob chases after Tom before he could leave the premises.

Spongebob: Excuse me, sir! Mr. Krabs feels bad about sounding of on you like that. He'd like to...give you...some...complimentary...chocolate.

Tom: Did you just say...chocolate?

Spongebob: Yeah.

Tom: Sweet, decadent, chocolatey, bubbly fat CHOCOLATE?

Spongebob: Ooooh yeah.

Tom: CHOCOLATE!

This entices Tom to barge right into Krab's office as the door slams shut behind him. All that could be heard was a brief yelp then a SPLAT before the office fell into dead silence. Eugene casually strolled out before letting out a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is-

Pearl: DADDY!

Mr. Krabs: Boy, I have a bad feeling in the pit of me wallet.

The ground began to quake as she got ever so closer to the Krusty Krab.

Pearl: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Mr. Krabs: We're about to take in water, Mr. Squarepants!

Krabs rushed to the glass window to see how close she was, about 30 feet and counting.

Mr. Krabs: Ah! Mother of Pearl! Water in the poop deck!

And suddenly, she came bursting in through the swinging glass doors. Pearl Krabs, about 16-years old and daughter of the sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, Eugene H. Krabs. We don't really know who her mother is and I think I speak for us all in that we don't really care.

Pearl: Daddy! I need some money for the prom!

Mr. Krabs: Money? But I just gave ye a ten cent raise in yer bi-monthly allowance!

Pearl: Dad, you are so not coral. You're penny pinching is embarrassing me!

Pearl cries her father a river, causing all sorts of property damage in and around the restaurant.

Spongebob: We're taking in water, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: We need to do something, Spongebob! The damages and prom expenses will cost me loads of money! Send her into me office. I'll sort her out.

And with that, Krabs swam all the way into his office, leaving our playful sponge to get Pearl to follow suit.

Spongebob: Pearl!

Krabs listens in from the confines of his office, feeling conflicted about what he's about to do.

Mr. Krabs: Go easy on her lad, I don't wanna have to go breakin' her poor little heart.

Spongebob: Your father needs to have a word with you.

Pearl immediately stops crying as the flooding starts to subside.

Pearl: Okay

She begins skipping towards her father's office, undoubtedly triggering a few tsunamis with each skip she takes.

Mr. Krabs: Ooooh! Why does it have to be this way?!

In the midst of his slightly pansy breakdown, Krabs takes a good, hard look at the man in the mirror before composing himself and putting on a straight face.

Mr. Krabs: It's fer the best.

Pearl prances into his office, letting the door shut close behind her. A brief cry is heard as the sound of a SPLAT follows. Eugene nonchalantly exits his office before letting out a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done =)

Spongebob: Sir, it absolutely pains me to say that the Krabby Patties got drenched during the flood. I'm sorry I let you down.

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, me boy! We have plenty of meat to last us until next year! And the best thing is, it's free of charge! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Later that day, Krabs hoisted two more loads into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[JCM]

That's deep, man. I really felt the crab's pain.

[box]

I'd feel bad, but, in a whole Pearl is my least favorite character.

[TJ]

Um, Lmao, Mr.Krabs actually killed Pearl .

[Old Man Jenkins]

Chapter III: Mommy Deadest

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was counting the money in the cash register for about the umpteenth time in order to further glorify his immense wealth. Takes a wad of cash and places it under his stringy nose, inhaling the money's fragrance like it's no one's business, and it ain't. Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, is working tirelessly in the Krusty Krab kitchen getting the orders ready for the lunch rush.

Mr. Krab: Ye know, lad. Nothing is better than the feeling of greed.

Spongebob: TRIPLE KRABBY PATTY SUPREME!

Mr. Krabs: It just warms me heart to know that I'll be puttin' all this money to much better use. Give each and every dollar and cent the respect they each so rightfully deserve.

Spongebob: Did somebody order a Triple Krabby Patty Supreme?

Mr. Krabs: AYE, which one of ye lily livered polliwogs order a Triple Krabby Patty Supreme?! We have to keep with orders and time is money!

???: EUGENE!

Mr. Krabs: *gulp* Mommy?

Mama Krabs: You know better than to use that tone with me, young man!

Mr. Krabs: I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't knew ye would be here.

Mama Krabs: Perhaps if ye called yer mother once in a while, we wouldn't be havin' this problem!

Mr. Krabs: How about I get ye a free glass of water.

Mama Krabs was not pleased.

Mr. Krabs: A dozen free glasses of water!

Mama Krabs: It's ever so good to know that I mean so little to me only son. And where is me darlin' angel, Pearl?

Mr. Krabs: She left tooooo...run some errands!

Eugene was sweating profusely after having pulled that excuse out of his tail fin.

Mama Krabs: Ye work that girl too hard, Eugene! I had half a mind to make ye swab the deck everyday back when ye were a lad.

Mr. Krabs: What do ye want, mother? Surely there must be somethin' that tickles yer fancy. Say it and it's yer's.

Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the most prettiest hat toda-

Having a bad feeling in the pit of his wallet, Eugene thought fast and stuffed all the money he had on him into Spongebob's mouth.

Mr. Krabs: Will ye look at that. It appears I can't buy ye that hat today because Spongebob ATE me wallet!

Mama Krabs: Eugene! I'm be not fallin' fer that one again. If ye want to be so cheap about it than ye should just tell me instead of breakin' me poor old heart. But luckily fer ye, I have another man in me life. One who would drop everything all together just to make me happy.

Mr. Krabs: Another man?! Who?

Mama Krabs: He's just the sweetest little ting, he is. And a very nice eye to boot.

Mr. Krabs: Puh-Lankton!?!??!

Mama Krabs: Aye, lad, aye. <3

Mr. Krabs: But mommy, he's me mortal enemy! He'd stop at nothin' to wrestle away me formuler from me big meaty claws!

Mama Krabs: People change, Eugene! Although I can't quite say the same about ye. He's takin' me to dinner here, tonight.

Mr. Krabs: WHUUUUUUT?! Mother, are ye tryin' to ruin me restaurant by bringin' that, that BARNACLE here! I forbid ye from seein' that bad man!

Mama Krabs: Ye can't tell me who I can or can't see, Eugene! And if ye keep this up, I'll have ye sent to yer room for the rest of the night!

Mr. Krabs: No mommy, please! Don't see that bad man, I beg of ya!

Mama Krabs: Into yer office.

Mr. Krabs: But-

Mama Krabs: Now!

Defeated and emasculated by his mother yet again, Eugene H. Krabs heads back into his office with his head down but takes the time to whisper something to his loyal employee.

Mr. Krabs: See me in me office.

About fifteen minutes later, Spongebob ventures into old man Krab's office in order to discuss some business.

Spongebob: You wanted to see me, Mr. Krabs.

Krabs is looking over his fireplace as he contemplates doing something he doesn't really want to do.

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad, it's me other. She asks me fer me money left and right and she's bringin' that little barnacle, Plankton, here on a date tonight.

Spongebob: Aww, a date?

Mr. Krabs: There's nothin' to be in awe in here, boy! She could very well ruin me restaurant by letting that bottom feeder seduce the formuler right from under her!

Spongebob: I don't think your mother would give up your secret family recipe so easily, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Ye don't know me mother, lad. She be willin' to do anythin' for the sake of gettin' someone into her bloomers. We need to do somethin' about this, Spongebob. The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob: *gasps* What do you suggest we do, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Send her into me office. It's time I stood up to that ungrateful mother of mine and tell her that this is me restaurant! And it's either gonna be my way or the highway!

Spongebob: You can do it, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad! Now step to it, or else you'll get the boot! And it's very stinky, and ye would have to wear it all day.

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs!

Spongebob marched out and approached Mrs. K, telling her that her son would like to see her in his office in order to apologize for his rather unruly behavior earlier.

Mama Krabs: I could never stay mad at that Eugene. I'm so glad that he's learnin' to compromise for once.

Spongebob: A mother and son shouldn't be fighting, Mrs. Krabs. Now go to him, he needs you.

Mama Krabs walks over to Eugene's office and opens the door.

Mama Krabs: Eugene? What are you doing with my bloomers?

The door shut closed behind Mama Krabs. All that could be heard was a loud "YEOW" followed by a cracking sound. The office then fell into dead silence. Mr. Krabs nonchalantly exited his captain's quarters and breathed a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =)

Spongebob: How did she take it, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Lad, let's just say me mother finally knows about the importance of family. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! But there's still be a small problem we have to deal with, boy. Pray follow, Spongebob. The Krusty Krab is stayin' open late tonight.

Krabs would later throw another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

Wow. I'm hooked. Can't wait for the next episode

[Old Man Jenkins]

Chapter IV: PLANKTON! KRABS! Spongebob.

Later that night, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, and Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, have made the Krusty Krab out to be a fancy restaurant in order to lull Krab's nemesis, Sheldon J. Plankton, into a false sense of security.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, do you really think this is gonna work?

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad, why back durin' me days in the Navy, the didn't call me ole Iron Abs Krabs fer nothin'! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: I don't get it.

Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me or yer fired.

Spongebob: DAHAAhAAHAAHAA! DAHAHAHAHA! DAHA-

Mr. Krabs: Get back to work!

Just then, Mr. Krabs' super sniffer kicked in, catching onto the stench of Plankton from across the street, wearing a red rose that obscures his minuscule body.

Mr. Krabs: He be a-comin', boy! We need to get into place! Remember lad, fine dinin' and sheathin'!

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: At ease, ya little yellla guy. Now, I need to get into costume.

Krabs enters his office and immediately comes back out with a wig and dressed in his mother's clothing from earlier.

Spongebob: Hohoho! Looking good, Mr. Krabs! How did you get some of your mother's clothes anyway?

Mr. Krabs: Details, Spongebob. Who needs em'? I'll be at the table, you bring him over and I'll take care of the rest. Don't mess this up. The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob: I will never let you down, sir.

Mr. Krabs: That little shit won't know what hit em. Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Plankton reaches the entrance of the Krusty Krab and approaches Spongebob, who is idly standing by waiting to assist. Spongebob tries his hand at speaking the best French accent he could muster.

Spongebob: Good evening, sir. Welcome to Chez Krab. Do you have a reservation?

Plankton: Why yes, Sheldon J. Plankton, table for two. I have a "date" here waiting for me, who I do not want to keep waiting any longer.

Spongebob: Ah yes. Right this way, monsieur.

Spongebob escorts Plankton to his table, where Krabs lies in wait, obscuring his face with a dinner menu.

Spongebob: Madame, I present to you, your date.

Plankton takes off his rose as Krabs puts down his menu, revealing his disguise by merely putting on his mother's slightly broken glasses.

Plankton: You're even more beautiful in person, angel.

Krabs tries mustering up the best imitation of his mother he could possibly pull off which shouldn't be that hard considering they shared the same voice actor during her first appearance on the show.

Mr. Krabs: I think ye kindly. I wish I can say the same about ye, but me poor old eyes can't quite pinpoint the location.I hope yer body compensates a for a lil somethin' somethin'. Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Plankton: Uh, yeah, I...uh, EXCUSE ME! I can't reach my silverware!

Spongebob: I'm terribly sorry, Monsuier.

Spongebob proceeds to lay down a stack of phonebooks on his chair so Plankton can still reach his rather large silverware.

Spongebob: Would you like snails, water, hand job?

Plankton: Pardon me?

Spongebob: Water, monsieur?

Plankton: Why yes, that sounds refreshing.

Spongebob takes his leave to fetch the drinks as Krabs continues to lull Plankton into a false sense of security.

Mr. Krabs: Why don't ye tell me more about yeself. You sound like such a loser.

Plankton: Excuse me?

Mr. Krabs: A fascinating individual. You sound like such a fascinating individual.

Plankton: Believe you and me, my dear. I am all that and much, much more.

Mr. Krabs: I wouldn't bet on it.

Plankton: I beg your pardon?

Mr. Krabs You don't say!

Plankton: My hearing must be as my eyesight.

Mr. Krabs: Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Plankton: Changing subject here, I run my own business. I'm a restauranteur, so to speak.

Mr. Krabs: So you speak? What's it called?

Plankton: Oh, it's just a little place. It's called the Chum Bucket.

Mr. Krabs: Never heard of it.

Plankton: But, it's right across the street.

Mr. Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell.

Plankton: There's an ad for it on the back of the phonebook.

Mr. Krabs: Phonebooks? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! Who uses those old things nowadays?

Plankton: Come on, you must've heard something. I paid plenty of money for that ad!

Mr. Krabs: Wait, isn't it the home of the world famous...?

Plankton: My, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's world famous, but it is quite delicious, it's called the Sloppy-

Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patty?

Plankton: No, it's home would be here.

Mr. Krabs: Me son runs this restaurant on his own, don't ya know?

Plankton: Yes, I know it all to well, my dear.

Spongebob: Monsieur, Madame. Chez Krab proudly presents to you, your dinner.

The lights dim as the food is all brought out in song and dance. Krabs is fuming at the thought of how much this display may cost him.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, Spongebob! I'm gonna kill you!

Plankton: It is a beautiful display, isn't it?!

Once the plates have been placed on the table, Krabs decides on wrapping this up sooner so that the costs won't be higher than it already is.

Mr. Krabs: You know, Shelly. Why don't we skip dinner and get straight to dessert.

Plankton: Dessert? You don't say?

Mr. Krabs: I'll be in the captain's quarters. Me son isn't here, so we'll have it all to ourselves.

Spongebob: Care for some coffee, Madame?

Mr. Krabs: Hot coffee, young man.

Plankton: Hotdog!

Mr. Krabs: Don't keep me waiting.

Krabs strolls on over into his office in order to lure Plankton to his doom. Plankton is overcome with excitement.

Plankton: Oh my, not only do I get the formula but I get to have a one night stand with Krab's mother AND in his own office! Sheldon, this is your lucky day. Waiter, do you happen to have some wares that, you know, enhances things...in bed.

Spongebob: Does a booster accommodate to your likings, monsieur?

Plankton: Booster seat? Hot dog! Have it sent in. Uh, how do I look?

Spongebob: Monsieur, you look...FABULOUS! Now get in there, tiger!

Plankton: I never felt so powerful, so alive! Can we stop?

Spongebob: No, silly! That's how you're supposed to feel!

Plankton: Well, I like it. Let's do it!

Spongebob: In there, you animal!

Plankton excitedly runs into Mr. Krab's office.

Plankton: I'm here, my little crab cake!

The door shuts close behind Plankton.

Plankton: KRABS! What are you-GOOD GRIEF HE'S NAKED!!! You can't do this to me, I want to college!

All that could be heard from there was a brief SPLAT before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzes out, naked, before breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

Spongebob: How did Plankton take it, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Well, me lad. Let's just say Plankton won't be harassin' us ever again. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: That's not entirely inconspicuous.

Mr. Krabs: It ain't. I'm just glad he's gone! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Krabs would later be seen picking something off the floor with a piece of toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet, and business went on as usual.

[Wumbo]

That was the best one yet! Keep 'em coming, Herb.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Chapter V: A Patty, is a Patty! That's What I Saaaay! (Part 1)

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was listening to some Dubstep in his office while counting the money in his vault like he usually does all day, everyday. He beeps and hoops to the beat as flaunts his immense wealth. Out at the register, Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, keeps the money in check to his boss' content. Spongebob foolishly drops all the coins in the register onto the ground, which is loud enough for Krabs to hear as he storms out to tend to his babies. Spongebob scurries to pick them all up but Krabs knocks him out of the way, causing the coins to hit the floor again before picking them all up, himself.

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, daddy's here! What in Neptune's name were you doin', lad! You gone and soiled em'!

Spongebob: SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!

Mr. Krabs: I gotcha!

Krabs takes his spare change and takes them to the sink to wash them all out, but get his big meaty claw stuck in the drain and pulls his groin, gushing blood everywhere.

Mr. Krabs: ME BIG MEATY CLAW!

Spongebob: Oh no, not again.

The EMTs arrived to escort Krabs to Weenie Hut General, but Krabs had something to tell Spongebob before he left.

Mr. Krabs: Lad, you're in charge of the Krusty Krab while I'm gone. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, boy...or I'll kill ye.

And with those words, Krabs made his dramatic exit.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I. Will. Not. LET YOU DOWN!

Spongebob gets down on all fours and proceeds to do some push-ups.

Spongebob: Krusty KRAB! Krusty KRAB! Krusty KRAB!

And just then, a large, ominous, bloated figure swung open the glass doors and plopped his way into the establishment. Spongebob breaks his arms from trying to support himself as he cant help but gasp at this looming figure.

Spongebob: Bubble Bass.

Bubble Bass: Squarepants.

Spongebob: I hear you're...kind of an asshole.

Bubble Bass: I hear you...wear false eyelashes.

Spongebob: Who told you that?!- I mean, can I take your order?

Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, 4x4 animal style, extra shingles with the shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.

Spongebob: Animal style? What do you plan on doing with your food, sir?

Bubble Bass: It's what it says on the tin, Squarepants. So make it, I don't pay it.

Knowing Krabs would kill him if a customer came and went without even eating, or worse, paying. Spongebob heads to the back and throws a regular patty together, because why not. Bubble Ass may not even be able to taste the difference. Meanwhile, at Weenie Hut Jr., Krabs, who doesn't qualify for Obamacare, is placed in front of the soda machine to help save some money. Suddenly, green smoke engulfs the hall and the Flying Dutchman makes his presence known, waking Krabs from his pain-induced coma.

Flying Dutchman: Eugene H. Krabs! I have come for you!

Mr. Krabs: NOOO! This must be a mistake! I'm not Eugene Krabs!

Flying Dutchman: You're not Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Of course I'm not, and I be damn well sure of it! About as sure as I know ye ain't Bill Murray's brother.

Flying Dutchman: Yer lucky I ain't makin' ye walk the plank fer that!

Mr. Krabs: My name's Harold, um, Flower! Harold Flower, yes!

Flying Dutchman: My apologies, Mr. Flower. I'll leave ye to the the rest of yer life.

The Dutchman waltzes on over to the nurse's desk and asks for the location of Eugene H, Krabs. Krabs can only sweat in fear as he's retrained to his life support.

Flying Dutchman: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking for a Eugene Krabs.

Nurse: Oh, he's right down the hall there.

Flying Dutchman: Oho no, no. That's Harold Flower.

Nurse: Harold Flower? lols.

The Dutchman blasts back into the hall, not amused at almost being duped like that.

Flying Dutchman: SO, ye think ye can dupe the Flying Dutchman like that, eh?! Eugene H. Krabs, fer that, ye be takin' a trip to Davy Jones' locker!

Mr. Krabs: But why Me, oh great Flying Dutchman?! Take me mother instead, she doesn't have much else to live fer!

Flying Dutchman: I have already taken her, like I've taken yer daughter, mortal enemy and employee! It's time ye answered fer yer crimes, Krabs! And I be yer judge, jury and executioner!

Mr. Krabs: NOOO! Please, don't take me away from me money. It's all I got left and I'm all they have left! I'll change me ways! Yo HO! Yo HO! Kill another soul, I will never go! Sailor's promise. Please, I BEG OF YE! Have mercy!

Flying Dutchman: Enough! Ye have a second chance at redemption.

Mr. Krabs: Really?

Flying Dutchman: No, I haven't shown mercy in OVER 9000 YEARS: Muahahahahah!

And with that, Flying Dutchman drags Krabs to hell in order to place him into Davy Jones locker. Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Bubble devours his heart attack on a bun as Spongebob stands by to see if he has something snide to say.

Bubble Bass: It's pretty good...but you for got one thing, YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT CRY! Ehehehehehe! Ehehehehe!

Spongebob: But I-I, swore I did!

Spongebob takes the patty and throws it on the ground, picking it apart, breaking down as he does so.

Spongebob: Cry! Cry! Why aren't you crying?!

Bubble Bass: At least something's crying. It looks like YOU LOSE.

Spongebob: Don't cry, don't-don't cry! Whatever you do, Spongebob, don't...WAAAAH!

Bubble Bass: I'll take my refund now, as per your guarantee.

Spongebob knows Krabs would kill him if he found out they actually had to give a refund, but our playful sponge had no choice and had to honor the guarantee. Because through this all, at least we know the Krusty Krab has some honor. Bubble Bass takes his money and make his leave, lauding and panting as he plops on out of there. Spongebob can only cradle into fetal position at this terrible turn of events. The fate of the Krusty Krab was at stake under his watch and he let it down...and most of all, he let you down, precious little Krabby Patty, and business didn't go on as usual.

[Sauce Mama]

Heh, these are really funny. Keep it up Mister OMJ!

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

I LOVE YAH MAN! Keep making more, this is awesome

[Old Man Jenkins]

Chapter VI: A Patty, is a Patty! That's What I Saaaay! (Part 2)

The Dutchman has transported himself andMr. Krabs to the bowels of the underworld, where there lies Davy Jones' Locker. Krabs makes one last attempt to save his tail fin.

Mr. Krabs: Please Mr. Flying Dutchman, sir! I implore ye! Think about what yer about to do! At me restaurant, I'll guarantee ye a free glass of water!

The Dutchman levitates ever so closer to the locker's door.

Mr. Krabs: A DOZEN FREE GLASSES OF WATER! NOOOOUUOOOO!

The Dutchman goes to unlock the locker, holding Krabs in his other hand, and takes the time to chastise old man Krabs some more.

Flying Dutchman: It's time ye pay fer yer crimes, Krabs: Welcome, to DAVY JONES' LOCKER!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

And with that, the locker door swings open and the Dutchman drags ass and Krabs inside, the locker door slamming shut behind them. All that could be heard was an "AOOOH" before a loud SPLAT echoed in the locker before it fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly makes his way out of Davy Jones' Locker and breathes a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: iAaaaaah. The deed is done. =) But how in Neptune's name am I gonna git meself outta boogeyland!?

???: Cheer up sleepy Eugene!

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle?

Krabs peers inside the locker and sees Davy Jones of The Monkees dancing and singing to himself.

Davy Jones: Oh what can it mean TO A day dream believer and the HOMEcoming QUEEEEEEEN!

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad! I will git meself outta here and back to me restaurant. Even if it kills me! But even I still think this schtick is wee bit too soon.

And with that, Krabs leaves Davy Jones to do whatever it is he does inside a locker. Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Spongebob has let joint fall into a state of disarray after having his spirit broken by Bubble Bass.

Spongebob: Krust-Krusty...Krab, p-pizza...is. The. Pizza, yeah...

Krabs has found his way back and barges into the establishment to once again take the reigns but is shocked to see various items such as eggs, toast and underwear nailed to the walls.

Mr. Krabs: HUUUH MOTHER OF PEARL! GRRRR! SPONGEBOB GIT OUT HERE!

Spongebob peers in quarter way through the kitchen door.

Mr. Krabs: MOAR!

Spongebob shifts over halfway past the door.

Mr. Krabs: All the way, boy!

Spongebob walks out backwards towards Mr. Krabs with Mama Krab's bloomers on his head.

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?

Mr. Krabs: What happened to me restaurant, lad?! Ye be more trouble than yer worth!

Spongebob: Can't quite think straight since because crying.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, git back to work!

Spongebob heads back into the kitchen.

Mr. Krabs: The stress of havin' tah work both the grill and register must be takin' it's toll on the poor lad. What a baby.

A large, ominous figure enters the premises, panting and breathing heavily with each step he takes.

Bubble Bass: I hear Krabs is back.

Mr. Krabs: And ye are?

Bubble Bass approaches the counter to place an order.

Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, 4x4 animal style, extra shingles with the shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.

Mr. Krabs: The fuck are ye talkin' about, lad?

Spongebob: It's alright, I already got it Mr. Kra- huh! Bubble Bass.

Bubble Bass knocks Krabs to the side.

Bubble Bass: Squarepants.

Spongebob: Here ya go! =)

Bubble Bass takes his order and takes it to his ear, flipping through it to make sure it's just right before taking a big ole bite out of it.

Bubble Bass: Still no pickles! See.

And Bubble Bass gives them the common courtesy to see for themselves once the patty makes it through his digestive tract. After four hours of waiting to see, Krabs realizes this second botched order could jeopardize the Krusty Krab name, but he can't lose his best fry cook. The wheels in his begin turning. He knows what must be done.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Bubble Bass. I be terribly sorry about me employee's inability to prepare for ye a CORRECT full and hearty meal. Please, come to me office so we can discuss the terms of yer refund.

Bubble Bass : Once again, it appears you have lost the game, Squarepants. EHEHEHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHEHE!

Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, leads Bubble Bass into his office, shutting the door close behind them. All that could be heard was a brief pant and a SPLAT before the room fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzes out of his office and breathes a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =) Me boy, we won't be receiving anymore complaints from yella-bellied polliwog anytime soon. It seems he had the pickles tucked away under his tongue.

Krabs takes the pickles out and gives Spongebob a reassuring wink.

Spongebob: How did you ever spot that out, sir?

Mr. Krabs: They don't call me ole Iron Abs Krabs fer nothin'. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spongebob: I don't get it, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me boy or yer fired.

Spongebob: DAHAHAHAHAA! DAHAHAHAHAHAA! DAHAH-

Mr. Krabs: Git back to work! But before ye do, Spongebob, seein' ye break under pressure like that, it just gives me a bad feelin' in the pit of me wallet. I think it's fer the best that-

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, please I work weels under-

Mr. Krabs: I hire someone else to work the register. It's not just you, moreso than me. I just can't have ye goin' off the boat like that again. It's just NOT HIP, it ain't CORAL! It's, it's, losin' money!

Spongebob: I-I understand, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: it's just making Krabby Patties is more your strong suit, is all and I can't have anything gettin' in the way of me money flow. I'm ye understand, boy, but it's for the best.

Spongebob goes back to the kitchen to make Krabs his sammiches and Krabs sets up post at the register as temporary cashier. Krabs would later be seen hoisting another heavy load into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[Wumbo]

Yeah, so this is currently my favourite spin-off.

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

Great job, OMJ

[Old Man Jenkins]

Chapter VII: A Date with the Health Inspector

One day, Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the cash register as his head fry cook, Spongebob Squarepants worked the grill like no one's business. Mr. Krab's super sniffer activated as he catches wind of the coming presence of a dark, dark force.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrr, Spongebob git out here!

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I be catchin' whiff a smell, as smelly smell. A smell the likes of which can only be emanating from-

Krab's eyes widen as he guesses who's coming over for dinner.

Mr. Krabs. The health inspector.

Spongebob: Come again, sir?

Mr. Krabs: THE HEALTH INSPECTOR!!

Spongebob: The health, the health, th-the HEALTH INSPECTOR?!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! If we don't act now, he could very well ruin me restaurant!

Spongebob: What should we do, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: We? What's this "we" business ye be spittin', boy?! You are goin' to ensure him the meal of his life!

Spongebob: And what you gonna do?

Mr. Krabs: That scoundrel is gonna be checkin' up on every nook and cranny in this establishment, and I have some..."dirty meat" that needs to be disposed of in the freezer. Now git back to work, boy! The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

Spongebob: Aye aye, captain!

Spongebob flips that meat while Mr. Krabs attempts to dispose of the "dirty meat" in the freezer, which pretty much takes up the entire freezer. Krabs covered all the "meat" in trash bags to conceal his misdeeds. He manages to stuff Squidward, Tom and his mother's bodies into the trunk of his boat mobile, but Pearl and Bubble Bass are a different story. Not wanting to have to make multiple trips since it would be time consuming, he realizes that he may need Spongebob's help. He hurries back into the restaurant with a shovel in hand.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, I need ye to help me, boy!

Spongebob: With what, sir?

Mr. Krabs: The meat, the dirty meat. Turns out it's a two man job, are ye in, lad?

Spongebob: Anything to ensure the sanctity of the Krusty Krab, sir!

Mr. Krabs: That's the spirit, ye lil yella freak! Pray follow!

Krabs takes Spongebob out back (steakhouse) and shows him the load he's trying to dispose.

Spongebob: I never realized we had this much dirty meat.

Mr. Krabs: aye, it be a dirty but somebody's gotta do it.

Krabs throws Spongebob the shovel.

Mr. Krabs: Well, here ye go.

Spongebob: What do you want me to do with this?

Mr. Krabs: They ain't gonna be fittin' in me car and we can't just dump them in the trash. I need ye to bury these bod- I mean, "dirty meat". The fate of-

Spongebob lifts the shovel high into the air with great power.

Spongebob: THE KRUSTY KRAB IS AT STAKE!

Mr. Krabs: Atta boy, lad!

Spongebob: What are you gonna do, sir?

Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna give that legless tad pool the meal of his life!

Spongebob: Ahalright, Mr. Krabs!

Spongebob goes to high five him but Krabs doesn't respond with a tired look on his face.

Mr. Krab: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants.

Krabs leaves Spongebob to dispose of the dirty meat and heads back into the restaurant in order to concoct the most diabolical Krabby Patty known to fish, fearing the worse if his plans were to go awry. He throws some botulinum, anthrax, ricin, cyanide, sarin, strychnine, amatoxin, sugar, spice and everything nice, but Mr. Krabs accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction...CHEMICAL X, thus, the Nasty Patty was born! Suddenly, the glass doors swung and in came a man dressed in a blue suit and matching hat. He had a clipboard in hand. Krabs knew this man all too well.

Mr. Krabs: Arrr, the health inspector.

Krabs put on his smiley face as the inspector makes his way to the counter.

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the Krusty Krab! Home of the world famous (pause) KRABBY PATTY! May I take your order?

Health Inspector: Are you Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: That's what they call me in every episode, yes!

Health Inspector: Ah, goo. Good.

The health inspector begins jotting notes onto his steno pad next to the crudely drawn doodles of penises ala Superbad.

Health Inspector: This place looks to be in order. I'll just need a simple Krabby Patty and I'll be finished with my inspection.

Krabs begins contemplating against giving the inspector the tainted patty.

Health Inspector: It's a good thing we health inspector get to eat all this food for free, but hey, it all comes with the territory I suppose, eh? I'll have that patty well done, by the way.

Mr. Krabs: Really? Er, I mean, of course, of course!

Krabs takes out the Nasty Patty from the toilet and dries it with his mother's bloomers.

Mr. Krabs: Here ye go! I made it especially well done, just for ye.

Health Inspector: Hello delicious. Come to papa!

The health inspector begins to devour the sinister sandwich whole, much to Krab's delight. The poisons start taking their toll as the inspector starts spazzing out uncontrollably before dropping to the floor.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

Krabs would later hoist another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual...until the cops arrived.

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

Nice job OMJ Loved the Powerpuff Girls reference and the cliffhanger at the end.

[TJ]

This reminds me Rusty's Raping Rampage

[Ron]

Ooh, cliffhanger. :3