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BubbleRock's reviews of animation crap

Burgerpants

By Burgerpants
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Steel Sponge

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BE SPECIFIC

It's called unpopular opinions. Pixar doesn't cope with what Elastic and Dr. Sex normally enjoy.

 

If you want a bad CGI movie request, my suggestion is the easily targeted Video Brinquedo library. So, anything from VB.

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Burgerpants

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Well fine.

REVIEW:

Note: Contains language unsuitable for minors

First off, the title. "Ratatoing"? REALLY? What does that even mean?

Secondly, is this Rio? Why is there a Jesus statue in Paris? And why does the city look like New York while it takes place in Paris? And by population, do you mean NOBODY IS IN THE TOWN OF MOTHERSHITING PARIS? IT'S FREAKING PARIS!

So apparently, "Everyone" (Maybe 2 people or less) is attracted to Paris NOT for the Eiffel Tower, but for a restaurant. What's the restaurant called? "RATATOING". SERIOUSLY. Mostly, it's the homeplace for a bunch of the worst-animated rats you'll ever see in your life. It looks like this was their first CGI movie ever. No joke.

 

We then cut to a group of rats with mouths that apparently never SHUT. UP. The mouth movement is bad. Almost Doogal bad (Oh yeah, I'll get to that one later). What's the point of them? NOTHING. All they do is create filler for a movie that's not even 90 minutes.

 

Oh, shit, wait. Apparently they'e a misconception with one of the rat's meal and- Wait. WHAT. THAT WAS MORE FILLER?!?!?!????

And apparently, via a couple lines of dialouge, the rat's opinion of the restaurant has changed completely. Since rats HATE Gargonzola now, they want to... create more filler for the movie. By the way, get used to that awful animation for the walk-in. EVERY FEMALE CHARACTER DOES THAT. So a waiter comes in to the head cook and- Oh. MORE filler. Great. Also, I want you to count all the time the rat says "PRECISELY".  It comes up a lot. And then we get- shock, MORE FILLER!

 

So after a slight sexual innuendo and another sighting of PRECISELY, the head cook comes to a table who calls the chef a master of the kitchen... OR they want to create EVEN MORE FILLER for the movie. WHERE'S THE GODDAMN PLOT?!?!?!?!? I'll tell you- it passes through them and as a result, EVEN MORE FILLER. 

Until he comes by and is about to TELL THEM THE SECRET INGREDIENT TO HIS SUCCESS. AFTER ONLY ONE "Please". Wow. And what's the ingredient? A LOT OF A LOT OFs. And then he switches to dishes. Well, at least he wasn't a dumbass and told everyone what the ingredient is, but on the flip-side, AFTER WHAT JUST HAPPENED, ANOTHER FAMILY ASKS THE SAME QUESTION THAT WAS ANSWERED. And to make him more of an idiot, he never minded the notebook being on last time, and yet minds the notebook used THIS time. Oh, and EVEN MORE FILLER. Seriously. 

 

So, remember those rats I mentioned in the second paragraph? Yeah. The film suddenly decided they're bad guys now. Apparently they own another restaurant rival to Ratatoing, and after a bit of extra filler, they decide to break into Ratatoing. So after the most boring suit-up sequence known to man happens (Even though I like the CHEESE OUT OF HIS CROUCH), We get-

 

More filler from the rats. Seriously, was there any point of that last scene? The fact that all these "villians" (Calling them villians is being EXTREMELY generous) spend their time creating filler rather than doing something is beyond me. Then FINALLY, they plan to get THEIR NOTEBOOK from the restaurant, while we see what the rats were suiting up for. They are-

Breaking into Quizno's. Huh. So, what are the other rats doing again? Well, one of the rats (With her ass sticking out for some reason) get into the restaurant with tables set up for some reason. After she finds it ( ALL THIS WORK FOR A SIGNITURE, keep in mind), she notices... a piece of paper. Oh, wait. that's the kitchen. Screw me. But more about that later. As the other rats are... looking at the ingredients. FILLERMAN has struck, apparently. When suddenly one notices a BOMB IS IN THE KITCHEN. 

 

Oh, wait. Strawberries. So as the team gets the strawberries (with AMAZING physics,btw) The rat gets into the paper-kitchen... SOMEHOW knowing that touching the door slides open to reveal a hideout. Plot holes, what are those? So as the crew become idiots after a pointless scene where 2 rats swing on a fan, the rat from before finds out that (gasp) THE FOOD COMES FROM HUMAN RESTAURANTS! No specific food, just that it comes from real places. So, after that (With another shaking of DA BUTT, two pointless fade in and fade outs, and ANOTHER USE OF PRECISELY) , we get another rat to bring us MORE FILLER. I swear, This movie is getting hit by the FILLERMAN every time I look.

 

After this, he... leaves. Good that you DIDN'T CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR, YOU MORON. So the female rat meets up with her partners, only to make EVEN MOAR FILLER. This goes on until the rats decide that they should block the kitchen from the other rats by... doing the most fucked up thing I've ever seen. I mean, WTF are they doing? Dancing in hell? No wonder the humans are freaked out. In which this happens, the humans call our announcer, tell him what happens, and a pointless fade-in and fade-out.

 

Afterwhich,  three things happen.

1: MORE FILLER (As if we didn't have enough)

2: The head cook for some reason hates strawberries even though THE NIGHT BEFORE he loved them.

3: ANOTHER Suit-up sequence. (At least it's shorter)

After our "heroes" get into the human place, they find out that CHEESE ALL OVER THE FLOOR DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE CLEARLY VISIBLE MOUSETRAPS OR THE FACT THAT THEY'RE SPREAD ALL OVER THE PLACE HORRAY CHEESE. After noticing the traps, they decide to... make an extremely long walk sequence. T_T

 

And then one rat notices ANOTHER BOMB. Oh, wait- it's a chocolate bar. After trying to pick it up, A cat sneaks up behind him and like the rats, are of the least quality you'll find in an animated movie. After failing the chocolate bar, rather than just go to another restaurant, they decide to go back. GOOD FUCKING GOD.

 

The next day, they don't have ingredients, and you know what? WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE STORE? OR PLAN THIS SOME OTHER DAY? OR D.I.E? So, with this, the rival rats decide to deliver EVEN MORE FILLER TO THE TABLE. Seriously, for a movie that's hardly 40 minutes long, you sure don't use that time to do anything useful with.

 

So, after another use of "PRECISELY", it turns out that just after ONE FUCKING WEEK, they'll close. God their reasoning sucks. More than Quest for Camelot. So after YET ANOTHER SUIT-UP SCENE, our heroes suit up, and after another use of PRECISELY,  they try to face the cat again, only to be distracted by CHEESE IT GOES INTO A RAT'S BRAIN NICE AND SMOOTH YAY, but before they can get to that the cat FINALLY shows up, in all his unimpressive glory. So as one of the rats try to distract him, two other rats break in, and ANOTHER use of PRECISELY, the cat chases the head cook , while the other rats finish up collecting the cheese...

 

Only to be stopped by the two rats that broke in. The rats decide to... Make more filler. (facepalms) Anyway, after that, the cat just so HAPPENS to be right behind them and just so HAPPENS to be controlled by the head chef. Talk about being coincidental, you bastards! So then the 3 rats get back to their restaurant, the homeowner decides to remove the rat traps, and everything seems to live happily ever after. Oh, wait. Now they serve cats, and nobody seems to mind. And so, after TWO uses of "PRECISELY" we FINALLY end this god-forsaken direct-to-video abomination.

 

So, how does it end up? 

 

I'll explain it this way:

RATATOING IS RAT SHIT.

Granted, it doesn't rip off Ratatouille that much, and even then, it manages to screw it up in most places. The amount of filler rivals the length of actual movie, the word "PRECISELY" is overused like heck, the animation is laughably bad (ESPECIALLY the mouths) and...

 

Okay. To be honest, it's hysterical how bad this movie is. Most of the time, I couldn't stop myself laughing at how laughably bad this movie can be. as a result, I can let it get a 

2/5. Otherwise, it would've been 1/5.

 

Now, here's the thing: I rate movies on a scale of 1 to 5. 5 meaning I REALLY REALLY love this movie, and i'll always remember it, and 1 means if I ever watch this Goddamn movie again, it'll be useless.

 

Comments are welcome.

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