Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[SpongeOddFan]

that's a lot of SB reference in this chapter.

[Metal Snake]

The jokes with Mr. Krabs photoshopped on NBA Ballers and the line about Obamacare had me rolling. XD

[Jjs Goodman]

The Killer Krab

6. A Patty, is a Patty! That's What I Saaaay! (Part 2)

Spoiler

Chapter VI: A Patty, is a Patty! That's What I Saaaay! (Part 2)

[Fred: Part 2?! PARTTWOPARTTWOPARTTWOPARTTWO--]

[Squidward: Please don't do that.]

[SRC: 58]

[Renegade: But is this grill not a home? Is this not the stove you know?]

The Dutchman has transported himself andMr. Krabs to the bowels of the underworld, where there lies Davy Jones' Locker. Krabs makes one last attempt to save his tail fin.

[Renegade: OK...you wanna repeat this? I'll repeat it:

  ]
[OMJ: Lemme guess, "A DOZEN FREE GLASSES OF WATER!!!!?! NOOOOOUUUUOOOUOUOUO!"]

Mr. Krabs: Please Mr. Flying Dutchman, sir! I implore ye! Think about what yer about to do! At me restaurant, I'll guarantee ye a free glass of water!

[Renegade: ...THESE DAMN REFERENCES. I SWEAR, THIS STORY'S ROBBING ME OF MY SANITY.]

[SRC: 59]

The Dutchman levitates ever so closer to the locker's door.

Mr. Krabs: A DOZEN FREE GLASSES OF WATER! NOOOOUUOOOO!

[OMJ: OH MY GOD! I WASN'T SERIOUS!]

The Dutchman goes to unlock the locker, holding Krabs in his other hand, and takes the time to chastise old man Krabs some more.

[OMJ: What is this? High school?]

Flying Dutchman: It's time ye pay fer yer crimes, Krabs: Welcome, to DAVY JONES' LOCKER!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Renegade: ...You're not just gonna throw him in there? Because it'd gladly put this spin-off out of its misery.]
[OMJ: I couldn't just put a semicolon there? It looks like Krabs gleefully interrupts and accepts his fate. Not saying he shouldn't cuz it'd put this whole thing to bed a lot faster.]

And with that, the locker door swings open and the Dutchman drags ass and Krabs inside, the locker door slamming shut behind them. All that could be heard was an "AOOOH" before a loud SPLAT 

[OMJ: No me, you soiled a perfectly good time to throw in an "Aaaaaaaah!"[

echoed in the locker before it fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly makes his way out of Davy Jones' Locker and breathes a sigh of relief.

[Renegade: Who the hell is "Ass"? Is he like Donkey from Shrek? And when did he get sent with Krabs? DETAILS.]

Mr. Krabs: iAaaaaah. The deed is done. =) 

[SRC: YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW THIS SPIN-OFF AND ITS FORMULAIC PLOT AND ITS CONSTANT LINE STEALING, I'M OUT OF HERE *explodes*]

[Fred: Damn. Not only did Krabs kill The Flying Dutchman, but he also killed my invention. Maybe I should invent a death counter next.

....that being said, how the hell do you kill a ghost? I'm pretty sure this isn't Ghostbusters or Luigi's Mansion where you can get rid of a ghost or spirit simply by sucking it up with a vacuum. Where art thou, logic?]
[OMJ: And this would've been a prime time to have Krabs nonchalantly blurt out "LEEDLE LEEDLE LEEDLE LEE! =)"]

But how in Neptune's name am I gonna git meself outta boogeyland!?

[Fred: Oh Eugene, haven't you learned anything from The Simpsons?

 ]

[Renegade: I'd praise the story for at least acknowledging its formula once again, but there are a few problems I'd like to point out:

1) When was it ever mentioned that Krabs had a weapon on him? And if he did, why didn't he use it to escape the Dutchman? 

2) Did he kill Ass? Or the Dutchman? If he killed the latter, HOW THE HELL DO YOU KILL A GHOST?! If he didn't kill the Dutchman...well, this leads to the third problem...

3) WHY DIDN'T THE DUTCHMAN STOP HIM?!]
[SpongeBob: Ren, Mr. Krabs would like to have a word with you.]

???: Cheer up sleepy Eugene!

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle?

Krabs peers inside the locker and sees Davy Jones of The Monkees dancing and singing to himself.

[Fred: And then I saw his face.]

Davy Jones: Oh what can it mean TO A day dream believer and the HOMEcoming QUEEEEEEEN!

[Renegade: ...Why. WHY IS THIS "STORY" NOTHING BUT A POORLY-WRITTEN MISHMASH OF REFERENCES AND PLOTS STOLEN FROM THE SHOW?!]
[OMJ: Nothing lightens up the situation more than seeing a recently deceased (at the time) music icon in hell! Just imagine if The Krusty Train was still rolling by the time Bowie passed away.  ]

[Fred: Oh, how I wish I was daydreaming...]

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad! I will git meself outta here and back to me restaurant. Even if it kills me! But even I still think this schtick is wee bit too soon.

[Renegade: Acknowledging your formula once again for "humor", OMJ? This story gets lazier and lulzier every episode.]
[OMJ: I was actually acknowledging the fact that I wrote this mere months after the real Davy Jones passed away. At least I had the...decency...to not kill him again.]

And with that, Krabs leaves Davy Jones to do whatever it is he does inside a locker.

[OMJ: See you in about 9 episodes, Davy!]

Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Spongebob has let joint fall into a state of disarray after having his spirit broken by Bubble Bass.

[Renegade: Wait...SpongeBob has a weed stash? WHERE IS IT AND WHY ISN'T HE SHARING?]
[OMJ: I bet his dealer is the Hash Slinging Slasher.]

[Fred: Marijuanna's bad, m'kay?]

Spongebob: Krust-Krusty...Krab, p-pizza...is. The. Pizza, yeah...

[Renegade: No comment, as I am SO TIRED of these fucking references.]
[OMJ: 

]

[Fred: There is a reason why my SpongeBob Reference Counter died. Stuff like this.]

Krabs has found his way back and barges into the establishment to once again take the reigns but is shocked to see various items such as eggs, toast and underwear nailed to the walls.

[Renegade: So, wait...does that mean SpongeBob lives at the Krusty Krab?]
[OMJ: oh my god, a possible REFERENCE WITHIN A REFERENCE?

  ]

Mr. Krabs: HUUUH MOTHER OF PEARL! GRRRR! SPONGEBOB GIT OUT HERE!

Spongebob peers in quarter way through the kitchen door.

Mr. Krabs: MOAR!

[Fred: ...........do I really need to say more?]

[Renegade:   ]

Spongebob shifts over halfway past the door.

Mr. Krabs: All the way, boy!

[OMJ: Hahaha! Is this your new favorite spin-off yet!?]

Spongebob walks out backwards towards Mr. Krabs with Mama Krab's bloomers on his head.

[Renegade: Nope. I do not wanna know.]

[OMJ: Haha. Nice attempt at a tie-in.]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do?

[Renegade: Can't quite think straight since because references.]

Mr. Krabs: What happened to me restaurant, lad?! Ye be more trouble than yer worth!

Spongebob: Can't quite think straight since because crying.

[Fred: Can't quite riff straight since because frustrating.]

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, git back to work!

[Renegade: ...I thought you were gonna kill him.]

Spongebob heads back into the kitchen.

[OMJ: Well that wraps up that plot thread haphazardly! =)]

Mr. Krabs: The stress of havin' tah work both the grill and register must be takin' it's toll on the poor lad. What a baby.

[OMJ: The picture of manliness, gentlemen. Taking lives then groveling like a bitch when somebody comes to take his.]
[Renegade: Wow. Flip-flopping of sympathy to apathy. Great boss you are.]

A large, ominous figure enters the premises, panting and breathing heavily with each step he takes.

[Fred: This calls for an obvious reference!

]

[Renegade: Would it happen to be Bubble Bass?]

Bubble Bass: I hear Krabs is back.

[OMJ: Well, judging from the heavy breathing. I hear Bubble Bass is back.]
[Renegade: Yep. Knew it. I wonder if OMJ read "Spin-Off Writing for Dummies" to make this.]

Mr. Krabs: And ye are?

[OMJ: Get rekt m8y]

Bubble Bass approaches the counter to place an order.

[Renegade: ...And he doesn't even take the time to introduce himself? And besides, if Bubble Bass is a semi-regular, as this spin-off and the show implies, wouldn't Mr. Krabs have known his name beforehand?]

Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, 4x4 animal style, extra shingles with the shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.

[Renegade: *sarcastic clapping* Wow, great job, OMJ. You reused the same reference from last time.]

[Fred: Can't you just order a salad next time, you fatass?]

Mr. Krabs: The fuck are ye talkin' about, lad?

[OMJ: Do you kill your mother with that mouth?]
[Renegade: And apparently Krabs doesn't even know his own secret menu.]

Spongebob: It's alright, I already got it Mr. Kra- huh! Bubble Bass.

[Renegade: ...You're surprised now? Wasn't he, oh I dunno, THE GUY WHO MINDBROKE YOU?!]

Bubble Bass knocks Krabs to the side.

[OMJ: About as much comeuppance as Krabs is gonna get in this story.]

Bubble Bass: Squarepants.

[Fred: Like I said: Stop copy-and-pasting scripts from Encyclopedia SpongeBobia already.]

Spongebob: Here ya go! =)

[Renegade: Does SB have bipolar disorder?]
[OMJ: Well, he can go from cheerfully happy to hopelessly depressed over a freakin burger.]

Bubble Bass takes his order and takes it to his ear, flipping through it to make sure it's just right before taking a big ole bite out of it.

[Renegade: FISH DON'T HAVE EARS. Unless this is humanized...which, honestly, it isn't.]

Bubble Bass: Still no pickles! See.

[Renegade: ...]
[OMJ: Still no pickles? The last time you were bitching about it not crying, absolutely nothing to do with the pickles except for shamelessly bringing this reference half circle!]

[Fred: Okay, fine, I'll just take Tommy, Stu, Drew, and Didi, grill them up, and put them on your patty, SIR.]

And Bubble Bass gives them the common courtesy to see for themselves once the patty makes it through his digestive tract. After four hours of waiting to see, Krabs realizes this second botched order could jeopardize the Krusty Krab name, but he can't lose his best fry cook. The wheels in his begin turning. 

[OMJ: In his...*gulps* "what", exactly...?]

He knows what must be done.

[OMJ: Cleaning up the hunk of shit that I'm assuming is plopped out on the floor because its giving him a rash?]
[Renegade: Aaaand we go back to the victim-of-the-week formula. Wait...they actually waited for him to SHIT OUT THE BURGER?! *vomits*]
[OMJ: If the absence of Krabby Patties can bring about the apocalypse, I'm sure seeing it be shit out in all it's glory is about equivalent to seeing Jesus on toast.]

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Bubble Bass. I be terribly sorry about me employee's inability to prepare for ye a CORRECT full and hearty meal. Please, come to me office so we can discuss the terms of yer refund.

[OMJ: Lemme guess, "A DOZEN FREE GLASSES OF WATER! NOOOOUUUOUOUOUUUOO!?!??!]

Bubble Bass : Once again, it appears you have lost the game, Squarepants. EHEHEHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHE! EHEHEHEHEHEHE!

[Renegade: No, you lost it first. You thought about it.]
[OMJ: Well, at least there was an obnoxiously long written gaggle of letters at the end of that.]

[Fred: Which game were they playing? Tag? Monopoly? Pac-Man?]

Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, leads Bubble Bass into his office, shutting the door close behind them. All that could be heard was a brief pant and a SPLAT

[OMJ: 

]

before the room fell into dead silence. 

[OMJ: So it fell into a slightly more interesting movie about ghost puppets?]

Krabs nonchalantly waltzes out of his office and breathes a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =) Me boy, we won't be receiving anymore complaints from yella-bellied polliwog anytime soon. It seems he had the pickles tucked away under his tongue.

Krabs takes the pickles out and gives Spongebob a reassuring wink.

[OMJ: Do I even wanna know where he got those, given the context?]

Spongebob: How did you ever spot that out, sir?

Mr. Krabs: They don't call me ole Iron Abs Krabs fer nothin'. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Renegade: ARMOR. ABS. KRABS.]
[OMJ: Oh 2012!OMJ, you never fail at failing!]

Spongebob: I don't get it, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me boy or yer fired.

[OMJ: Ah yes, the alternate title for this spinoff.]

Spongebob: DAHAHAHAHAA! DAHAHAHAHAHAA! DAHAH-

[Mr. Krabs: I said "laugh", not "laugh like a goddamn idiot".]

[Fred: Wait, didn't I use that joke before?]

[Renegade: Great. Reusing another joke.]

Mr. Krabs: Git back to work! But before ye do, Spongebob,

[OMJ: No, I want this to END.]

seein' ye break under pressure like that, it just gives me a bad feelin' in the pit of me wallet.

[OMJ: Yeah, FUCK your issues.]

 I think it's fer the best that-

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, please I work weels under-

[OMJ: Aaaand you blew it.]
[Renegade: You work "weels"? You can't even get a boating license.]

[Fred: He doesn't have a grammar license either.]

Mr. Krabs: I hire someone else to work the register. It's not just you, moreso than me. I just can't have ye goin' off the boat like that again. It's just NOT HIP, it ain't CORAL! It's, it's, losin' money!

[OMJ: 

]

Spongebob: I-I understand, Mr. Krabs.

[OMJ: Weel, that went weel.]

Mr. Krabs: it's just making Krabby Patties is more your strong suit, is all and I can't have anything gettin' in the way of me money flow. I'm ye understand, boy, but it's for the best.

[OMJ: Whatever you fucking say, Krabs. I don't even wanna try processing just what the fuck that sentence even meant.]

[Grammar Police: Don't you mean "I'm sure ye understand, boy"? Oh yeah, we're back.]

Spongebob goes back to the kitchen to make Krabs his sammiches

[OMJ: See, SpongeBob feels the same.]

 and Krabs sets up post at the register as temporary cashier.

[OMJ: Oh great, even more scenes and dialogue with him flaunting his own wealth.]

Krabs would later be seen hoisting another heavy load into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[OMJ: Talk about fridge horror.]
[Renegade: Small rant incoming...*sighs* This spin-off is...polarizing to me so far. On one hand, I'm PRAYING for some actual plot development and breaking from the established "victim-of-the-week" plots starting in the first episode. On the other hand, when we get some deviance from the formula, it just boomerangs right back. And on both ends, the "plots" (what little there are) are padded out by out-of-context SpongeBob references that add absolutely nothing to them. Hell, those references to me "breaking" as a result of my frustrations with this story? That's actually how I feel about it, to the point where I actually wanted jjs to drop me from its riffing crew at around the third or fourth episode. But I decided that if I did so, I'd be letting you guys down, and by now it'd be pointless to ask since I'm riffing up to episode 8, which is The Killer Krab's halfway point. So...I'll riff my last two episodes, even if it causes me no amount of stress/madness.]

[Fred: Well, this two-parter was neither hip nor coral. Needs MOAR pickles. I wanted a 4x4 animal style episode that's crying, but instead, I got a fried boot. I'd rather go down to Davy Jones' locker and rest with Harold Flower than read this. Now that I'm at the end of the episode (Cafe and Gift Shop), I can safely say that the deed is done. =)]

 

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Oh, and btw, @Fred Rechid, you forgot Charlotte and Angelica  

[Metal Snake]

In spite of how lazy Mr. Krabs abruptly killing the Flying Dutchman was, I'll play along with it and say that Mr. Krabs is the Grim Reaper now. That would be a good way to change up the formula.

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

5 hours ago, Metal Snake said:

In spite of how lazy Mr. Krabs abruptly killing the Flying Dutchman was,

i swear, the wording in that scene made it look like he killed some guy named Ass  

[Jjs Goodman]

The Killer Krab

7. A Date with the Health Inspector

Spoiler

Chapter VII: A Date with the Health Inspector

[Renegade: Is her name Rosie Palms?]
[Steel: What the Health Inspector wants, he gets one of everything. Rated X.]

One day, Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the cash register as his head fry cook, Spongebob Squarepants worked the grill like no one's business. Mr. Krab's super sniffer activated as he catches wind of

[JCM: Two different verb tenses in the same sentence.]

the coming presence of a dark, dark force.

[Renegade: Wait...I thought Mr. Krabs was gonna hire someone to work the register. Then again, I can chalk this up to him filling up the position until someone arrives.]
[Steel: Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side.]

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrr, Spongebob git out here!

[Renegade: One, why are you using that reference, once again, out of context? And two, why are you pissed off at SB? Your tone should be one of fear, not anger. Like so:

"Mr. Krabs: Sp-SPONGEBOB! WE GOT A CRISIS ON OUR HANDS, BOY-O!"]

[Steel: What's wrong Mr. Krabs. Me restaurant is at stake. What should we do. I need you to send him/her to me office. I'll take it from here. And the deed is done. And business went on as usual, etc. etc. etc.]

[JCM: git er dun]

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: I be catchin' whiff a smell, as smelly smell. A smell the likes of which can only be emanating from-

[Renegade: Anchovies?]

Krab's eyes widen as he guesses who's coming over for dinner.

[JCM: Is it Sidney Poitier?]

[Renegade: Plankton! Oh, wait, wasn't he a previous victim-of-the-week?]

Mr. Krabs. The health inspector.

Spongebob: Come again, sir?

Mr. Krabs: THE HEALTH INSPECTOR!!

[Renegade: ANCHOVIES!]

[JCM: CAPS LOCK]

[Steel: EXCLAMATION!]

Spongebob: The health, the health, th-the HEALTH INSPECTOR?!

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! If we don't act now, he could very well ruin me restaurant!

[Renegade: Oh, boy, I can see the formula already...]

[JCM: To be fair, the formula was obvious in the second episode.]

Spongebob: What should we do, Mr. Krabs?

[Renegade: Kill the victim-of-the-week, of course.]

[Steel: With his trusty killing-method-of-the-week.]

Mr. Krabs: We? What's this "we" business ye be spittin', boy?! You are goin' to ensure him the meal of his life!

[Renegade: One that'll distract him as he's killed?]

Spongebob: And what you gonna do?

[JCM: When they come for you?]

[Renegade: Gee, I wonder...could he be forming this episode's murder plot?]

Mr. Krabs: That scoundrel is gonna be checkin' up on every nook and cranny in this establishment, and I have some..."dirty meat" that needs to be disposed of in the freezer. Now git back to work, boy! The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

[Renegade: "Dirty meat"? ...NOPENOPENOPE,IDON'TWANNAKNOW.]

[Steel: So I'm assuming that Mr. Krabs is going to get all sweaty in the freezer with the Health Inspector....actually, forget what I said. I don't want to think about it either.]

Spongebob: Aye aye, captain!

[Renegade: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!]

[JCM: Have you considered getting hearing aids?]

Spongebob flips that meat while Mr. Krabs attempts to dispose of the "dirty meat" in the freezer, which pretty much takes up the entire freezer. Krabs covered all the "meat" in trash bags to conceal his misdeeds. He manages to stuff Squidward, Tom and his mother's bodies into the trunk of his boat mobile, but Pearl and Bubble Bass are a different story. Not wanting to have to make multiple trips since it would be time consuming, he realizes that he may need Spongebob's help. He hurries back into the restaurant with a shovel in hand.

[Renegade: Wait...I thought in the earlier episodes it was implied, if not outright stated, that these bodies would be used as Krabby Patty meat in order to save Krabs money. WHY HASN'T HE USED THOSE BODIES YET?! THAT'S LIKE THROWING AWAY A PIGGY BANK! *facepalm* This is the kind of extreme negative continuity that irritates me about this spin-off.]

[JCM: Maybe he kills too many people to grind them all into Krabby Patty meat.]

[Steel: This is a very meaty description.]

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, I need ye to help me, boy!

Spongebob: With what, sir?

[Mr. Krabsegade: Wastin' me money savers, of course.]

Mr. Krabs: The meat, the dirty meat. Turns out it's a two man job, are ye in, lad?

[JCM: A two man job involving dirty meat? This became a gay porno so fast I didn't notice it.]

[Steel: *Resists urge to make joke referring to how this sentence sounds like an obvious sexual innuendo.*]

Spongebob: Anything to ensure the sanctity of the Krusty Krab, sir!

Mr. Krabs: That's the spirit, ye lil yella freak! Pray follow!

[Renegade: "Pray follow"? Either a) Krabs has a god complex, or bee) he's Shakespeare.]

[Steel: I'm pretty sure Shakespeare is familiar with the phrase "lil yella freak" as well.]

Krabs takes Spongebob out back (steakhouse) and shows him the load he's trying to dispose.

[JCM: Goodnight, everybody!]

[Renegade: I'd comment on the lame pun, but I really need the mental image of Krabs disposing his load in front of SpongeBob out of my head.]

[Steel: Hooray for product placement! *Eats a Subway sandwich.*]

Spongebob: I never realized we had this much dirty meat.

[Renegade: Get the Wunder Boner.]

[Steel: I never realized how meaty this story was going to be.]

Mr. Krabs: aye, it be a dirty but somebody's gotta do it.

[Renegade: A dirty what? ..Again, I don't wanna know.]

Krabs throws Spongebob the shovel.

[Renegade: I thought this was a two-man job?]

Mr. Krabs: Well, here ye go.

Spongebob: What do you want me to do with this?

Mr. Krabs: They ain't gonna be fittin' in me car and we can't just dump them in the trash. I need ye to bury these bod- I mean, "dirty meat". The fate of-

[Steel: Stop saying "dirty meat." The buffy speak is starting to annoy me.]

Spongebob lifts the shovel high into the air with great power.

[Renegade: Hopefully, it'll come with great responsibility.]

Spongebob: THE KRUSTY KRAB IS AT STAKE!

Mr. Krabs: Atta boy, lad!

Spongebob: What are you gonna do, sir?

Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna give that legless tad pool the meal of his life!

[Hey, I saw Tadpool! The scene where he loses one of his legs is hilarious!]

Spongebob: Ahalright, Mr. Krabs!

[Steel: You're ahawelcome.]

Spongebob goes to high five him but Krabs doesn't respond with a tired look on his face.

Mr. Krab: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants.

[Jjs: Git back to work, JCM.]

[JCM: I hate you.]

Krabs leaves Spongebob to dispose of the dirty meat and heads back into the restaurant in order to concoct the most diabolical Krabby Patty known to fish, fearing the worse if his plans were to go awry. He throws some botulinum, anthrax, ricin, cyanide, sarin, strychnine, amatoxin,

[JCM: oh god it's high school chemistry again triggerrred]

[Steel: Don't forget the seahorse radish.]

sugar, spice and everything nice, but Mr. Krabs accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction...CHEMICAL X, thus, the Nasty Patty was born! Suddenly, the glass doors swung and in came a man dressed in a blue suit and matching hat. He had a clipboard in hand. Krabs knew this man all too well.

[Renegade: ...Stealing from other shows, OMJ? Really?]

[Steel: Oh, now we're taking quotes from other notable television shows? Well, two can play that game....

This spin-off is violent and educational - but mostly violent, yay violence!]

Mr. Krabs: Arrr, the health inspector.

Krabs put on his smiley face as the inspector makes his way to the counter.

[Renegade: So, he did this...=)]

[JCM: No, it was like this, Renegade. :=)]

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the Krusty Krab! Home of the world famous (pause) KRABBY PATTY! May I take your order?

[Renegade: ...Another SB reference, OMJ? CAN YOU STOP BEING LAZY? IT WAS NEVER FUNNY.]

[Steel: Remember, licking door knobs is illegal on other planets.]

Health Inspector: Are you Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krabs.

[JCM: Was that a question.]

[Renegade:  ]

[Steel: So there's two more Krusty Krabs in this universe?]

Mr. Krabs: That's what they call me in every episode, yes!

[Renegade: Poor attempt at fourth wall breaking.]

[JCM: At least the joke was original for once.]

Health Inspector: Ah, goo. Good.

The health inspector begins jotting notes onto his steno pad next to the crudely drawn doodles of penises ala Superbad.

[Renegade: I haven't seen Superbad, so...the fuck?]

[JCM: You aren't missing out.]

Health Inspector: This place looks to be in order. I'll just need a simple Krabby Patty and I'll be finished with my inspection.

[Renegade: ...]

[Steel: You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night! Go ahead, guess.]

Krabs begins contemplating against giving the inspector the tainted patty.

[Renegade: As he always does.]

Health Inspector: It's a good thing we health inspector get to

[JCM: Ignore the basic rules of grammar.]

eat all this food for free, but hey, it all comes with the territory I suppose, eh? I'll have that patty well done, by the way.

Mr. Krabs: Really? Er, I mean, of course, of course!

Krabs takes out the Nasty Patty from the toilet and dries it with his mother's bloomers.

[JCM: Just when I was starting to forget about that chapter.]

[Renegade: *vomits*]

[Steel: He bites into those buns and I just can't believe it, he forgot the seahorse radish.]

Mr. Krabs: Here ye go! I made it especially well done, just for ye.

Health Inspector: Hello delicious. Come to papa!

[Steel: IT WAS HIS HAT MR. KRABS, HE WAS NUMBER ONE]

The health inspector begins to devour the sinister sandwich whole, much to Krab's delight. The poisons start taking their toll as the inspector starts spazzing out uncontrollably before dropping to the floor.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

[JCM: :=(]

Krabs would later hoist another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual...until the cops arrived.

[Renegade: So, I'm gonna guess this next episode will either...

A) Be a victim-of-the-week episode

BEE) Be a "continuity" episode that rips off an episode from the show

or C) Be a "continuity" episode, but become a victim-of-the-week episode near the end.

In any case, however, it'll be the last episode I riff for this trash.]

[Steel: Well, what can I say? This episode was....meaty.]

 

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Oh, gawd, I was laughing so hard at JCM's and Steel's riffs.

[fortnitefan12]

"I never realized we had this much dirty meat"

i'd never thought i would see the day where spongebob said this.

[SpongeOddFan]

wow uh talk about dirty meat

[Metal Snake]

Glad the death scenes broke out of the tired "SPLAT" formula, but still, blah. He doesn't even have his body mutated or turn into a Powerpuff Girl. It's bizarre how this "murder thriller" show seems to be least engaged with making the murders thrilling.

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

9 minutes ago, Metal Snake said:

Glad the death scenes broke out of the tired "SPLAT" formula, but still, blah. He doesn't even have his body mutated or turn into a Powerpuff Girl. It's bizarre how this "murder thriller" show seems to be least engaged with making the murders thrilling.

The bad news is we still have to deal with victims-of-the-week.

[SpongeOddFan]

12 minutes ago, Metal Snake said:

Glad the death scenes broke out of the tired "SPLAT" formula, but still, blah. He doesn't even have his body mutated or turn into a Powerpuff Girl. It's bizarre how this "murder thriller" show seems to be least engaged with making the murders thrilling.

what funny is that how Krabs is like he's professor of PPG of this xD

[Jjs Goodman]

The Killer Krab

8. Look At That Bacon Sizzle

Spoiler

Chapter VIII: Look At That Bacon Sizzle

[Renegade: And, if my guesses are correct, this episode will have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with bacon.]

[Fred:  

Damn, that is one sexy piece of bacon.]

[Jjs: Hopefully it's not the same bacon from Eddsworld Meets SpongeBob, the kind that adds nothing to the story.]

As Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab,

[Audience: ALRIGHT ALREADY!]

exited the freezer after storing away his load,

[Jjs: Of what? Cocaine?]

he heard the glass doors swing open and hurried to the kitchen window in order to see who it was. To his utter dismay, it was the fuzz.

[Fred: As in fuzz, do you mean the fuzz on your junk? Ha! I can do it too.]

[Jjs:  

]

Officers and John and Nancy strolled into the establishment, soaking wet from the rain that is pouring outside. Krabs realized this could come to bite him in his tail fin, so he quickly made his way out in order to accommodate them.

[Renegade: Great. Still ripping off the Nasty Patty episode, I see.]

Mr. Krabs: WELCOME! Welcome to the Krusty Krab, home of the world famous (pause) Krabby Patty! What can I do ye, two of Bikini Bottom's finest, for?!

[Renegade: ...AGAIN?! Does he always have to add a pause to the introduction he used FOR A COMMERCIAL?!]

[Fred: You stowed away dead bodies in the freezer and now the police are investigating. Now is not the time for a commercial.]

[Jjs: What was he going to say if he didn't pause? "Home of the world famous corpses"? Now I'm glad he paused.]

Officer John: 69 those Patties, Krabs. We've just received reports about two stiffs conducting some shady dealings over by Shallow Grave Road.

[Renegade: 69 those...NOPE. ALLL THE NOPE. YOU HAVE SOME WEIRD-ASS FETISHES TOWARDS PATTIES, OMJ.]

[Fred: Also, for the record, the quote is "86 those patties". GET IT FUCKING RIGHT!]

[Jjs: Haha, the same dialogue from Nasty Patty. The references might be nice for some people, but it just makes me think of an episode I'd rather be watching.]

 Mr. Krabs: Ye want me to do wha- I mean, YES! YES! Right away, we be proud to serve the boys in blue!

[Renegade: See, even Krabs is weirded out by OMJ's patty fetish.]

[Fred: The Blue Man Group ain't here.]

Officer Nancy: Ahem.

Mr. Krabs: Gesundheit! Take a seat, kick yer feet up and relax while I go check on the kitchen! BRB!

[Fred: Now's not the time for a BathRoom Break.]

[Renegade: D-did he actually just say "BRB"? That is soooo UN-CORAL!]

[Jjs: I guess Mr. Krabs can join ATTWL 3 SOF in the "people who use chat speak in real life" club.]

Krabs leaves the two officers at the counter before heading out back to check up on Spongebob. He sees Spongebob walking back from down the road with the "dirty meat" nowhere to be found.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrr, SPONGEBOB GIT BACK HERE!

[Hank Hill: DANGIT BOBBY]

[Renegade: *singsong voice* There's that reference again! *coughs, goes back to my normal voice* Anyways, overused reference aside, that's kinda redundant, don'tcha think?]

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Where the barnacle did ye bury me dirty meat?!

[Butthead: Uhuhuhuhuhuh. He said "dirty meat".]

Spongebob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, I tried burying them, shredding them and burning them. Then I decided to just them all away to the nicest fellow over by Shallow Grave Road who said that hearts and noses are currently a hot commodity on the streets. Whatever that means!

[Renegade: ...

...

...Is SpongeBob THAT stupid...?! Did he REALLY just sell those bodies to an organ trafficker!?]

[Fred: You tried shredding dead bodies? Where? Did you have some sort of big ass meat grinder or something?]

[Jjs: I get the feeling whoever SpongeBob sold them to is probably a necrophiliac.]

Mr. Krabs: Aye, ye did good gettin' rid of all that dirty meat, lad. Say, did ye make profit from any of it by any chance?

Spongebob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, I tried burying it, shredding it and burning it.

[Fred: The Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you, OMJ, in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town.

Bringing back an old gag to bring back old Riffing Theater memberberries.] 

[Jjs: Is OMJ trying to make a world record for how many times this spin-off can repeat itself?]

Then I decided to just give it all away to the Salvation Army.

[Renegade: I'd point out the Patty Hype reference that you just used not TWO SENTENCES AGO, but by now that's a moot point. What I'm concerned with is the fact that YOU USED A REAL LIFE, CHRISTIAN CHARITY ORGANIZATION. Were you so lazy, OMJ, that you couldn't just say he gave the money away to a generic charity organization, or better yet, make an underwater-based pun out of the Salvation Army's name?]

Mr. Krabs: Yer gonna be the death of me, boy. But I have one more load of dirty meat fer ye to take care of immediately.

[Renegade: ...Welp, I guess this answers my question from the last episode: it's gonna be a "continuity" episode, but it becomes a victim-of-the-week episode somewhere near the end. And, as obvious victims are obvious, it's the cops who want oral sex with burgers.]

Spongebob: Immediately?

Mr. Krabs: Immediately.

Spongebob: Right now?

[Jjs: Immediately.]

[Mr. Krabs: Well, not right now. We only have 1,000 more SpongeBob quotes to steal! =)]

Mr. Krabs: Yeeees, I need ye to take care of it right NOOOOOW. The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

[Renegade: As it always is.]

Spongebob: Sir, I will not let you down!

[Jjs: And even if you do let him down, at least he still loves you. (I think)  ]

Mr. Krabs: Atta boy, lad!

Krabs takes Spongebob back to the freezer, where the dirty meat laid.

Spongebob: I never realized we had THIS much dirty meat.

[Renegade: This is nothing; go to Mrs. Lovett's shop down the road.]

[Jjs: Fun history lesson. You see, many philosophers have interpreted this scene as the dirty meat not meaning anything at all, and think this just pads out the story. However, I disagree. I believe the dirty meat is a metaphor for all of the previous works we've riffed. Hey, some callbacks never hurt.]

Mr. Krabs: It's a dirty job, but I'm sure he'd do more more dead than alive.

[Renegade: Is he a cowboy? On a steel horse does he ride?]

[Fred: No, I'm sure he'd prefer spinning right round like a record.]

Spongebob: What was that, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Never mind that! I need ye to take care of this dirty meat so that the cops-AH! Mother of pearl! The cops!

[RenBob and OBABtrick: Ah! Mother of pearl! The cops!]

Spongebob: Cops?

[OMJ: You'll never take me alive, coppers!]

[Officer: No Johnny, don't do it!]

[Renegade: 

]

Mr. Krabs: Aye! It's-it's...

Krabs takes his time trying to come up with a good cover up out his ass.

Mr. Krabs: They're here for....the APPETIZER!

[Fred: What's he being arrested for? I had no idea Elmyra obsession was illegal in this here town.]

Spongebob: The Appetizer?

[Jjs:  ] 

[Renegade:  ]

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad! 

Spongebob: Wait, what? We don't serve appetizers.

[Jjs: Well now you do. Get back in the kitchen, SquarePants!]

Mr. Krabs: Just play along or yer fired.

Spongebob: Aye aye, Captain!

[Renegade: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

...Yep, as you can see, I'm reusing some of my old riffs from previous episodes, seeing as this is my last one.]

They head back inside to tend to the police officers, who are taking it upon themselves to beat up on the parking meters in the parking lot with their nightsticks for whatever reason.

[Renegade: #ParkingMeterLivesMatter]

[Jjs: I expect lots of riots from parking meters all over the world over this copied truly inspiring scene.]

Mr. Krabs: Good, they distracted.

[Mr. Krabs: Good, they distracted. Now let's take this dead bizzles back to Da Crizzly Sizzler and bury them in da sand.]

Spongebob: What are the police doing here?

[Jjs: Either looking for illegal immigrants, parking meters, rapists, drug dealers, murderers, or all of the above.]

Mr. Krabs: Arrrrr, they be here fer ye, lad. They heard about yer little deal down by Shallow Grave Road. 

Spongebob: A deal?! Mr. Krabs, I don't want to go to *gulps* jail. You don't know what they would do to me in the big house!

[Fred: Oh, I'm sure those boys down at Bear and the Big Blue House will treat you juuuuuuust fine.]

[Renegade: Yeah! They'd swab your poop deck reaaal nice, Spongey...]

Mr. Krabs: They'll rape ye, that's what they'll do.

[Renegade: Wow, way to be blunt and apathetic, Krabsy.]

[Jjs: Don't drop the soap, SpongeBobby.]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! Will you hold me?!

[Renegade: Oy, if THIS doesn't attract the SpongeKrabs shippers, nothin' will.]

Mr. Krabs: Snap outta it, boy! Just as long you play cool and follow along, yer gonna be fine, I promise ye.

[Renegade: Don't you mean coral? Or cor-all?]

The officers re-enter the premises, putting their nightsticks away.

Officer John: Job well done, Officer Nancy.

[Jjs: This might be my dirty mind (though since this is a dirty spin-off it's not unexpected), but I'm interpreting this line as they had sex, and those "nightsticks" were actually dildos. Wouldn't be the craziest thing to happen in this spin-off.]

Officer Nancy: We're only making Bikini Bottom a better place, one crooked parking meter at a time.

[Jjs: When the parking meters come to Bikini Bottom, the best aren't being sent, folks. Make Bikini Bottom Great Again.]

Officer John: Did you 69 those patties, Krabs?

[Fred: 86 THOSE GODDAMN PATTIES GET IT RIGHT YOU MOTHERTRUCKIN MOTHERFUCKER]

Spongebob: What?

[Renegade: Says the guy who offered to jerk off a one-eyed protozoa.]

Mr. Krabs: Ye heard them, boy! Time is money!

Krabs throws Spongebob into the kitchen in order to 69 those patties.

[Fred: One Krabby Patty with extra Sponge Cum! Cooooooomin' up!]

[Renegade: Uhhhh...I NEED AN ADULT! Oh, wait...I AM an adult. ...I NEED AN OLDER ADULT!]

Officer Nancy: I want a soda.

[Jjs: So do I, but we can't all get what we want, jackass.]

Mr. Krabs: Here ye go! Always willin' to serve the boys in blue!

Officer Nancy: Ahem.

Mr. Krabs: Bless ye. Aye, must be a lil bug flying around. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Fred: This presentation of "Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000" has been brought to you by the letter "R" and "Rusty's Raping Rampage" and the sentence "R you ready to get so fucking stoned cuz you'll need to be to enjoy this".]

Officer Nancy: Hey, there's no ice.

Mr. Krabs: ICE? Ice, is that what you want?! You want ice?!

[Jjs: Well I hope it's the ice cubes he wants or he may end up getting an entirely different type of "ICE". If it is the latter, Mr. Krabs better have his paperwork ready.]

[Fred: Ice, ice, baby.

Okay, I have no other original comments for this riff so SPONGEBOB REFERENCE!]

[Renegade: ...No comment.]

Officer Nancy begins making her way to the freezer without a permit.

[Renegade: Wait...you need a permit to get some ice? And why doesn't the Krusty Krab have a soda fountain, anyway? Those have ice dispensers.]

Officer Nancy: I'll just get it myself. Ice is in the freezer, right?

Krabs jumps in her way and slams the door shut, covering it with his big meaty body.

Mr. Krabs: We don't got any ice! ICE IS JUST A MYTH!

[Fred: You know what else is a myth? Original dialogue in this spin-off that isn't a stolen SpongeBob quote.]

Officer Nancy: Stand aside. You're acting as if you've committed a murder.

[Irony Police: *laughs*]

Spongebob comes walking in with a plate of Krabby Patties.

Spongebob: The dirty deed has been done, Mr. Krabs. I will never make a Krabby Patty the same way again.

[Fred: "Dirty deed"? Was it done dirt cheap?]

[Renegade: ...WHAT?! YOU MEAN THE THING WE'VE BEEN JOKING ABOUT THIS WHOLE EPISODE HAS BEEN REALLY GOING ON?! ...I'm done. That's it. I'm done with this shit.]

Mr. Krabs: It was all Spongebob's idea!

Spongebob: Hey, I can't help it if that's what they ordered! Like you said, "the money is always right!"

[Fred: So is murder, apparently.]

Mr. Krabs: He was crazy! He probably would've chewed me face off too if ye haven't gotten here sooner.

Spongebob: HE WEARS CURLERS TO BED!

Mr. Krabs: THEY WERE A GIFT! 

Officer John: FREEZE!

Everybody stops what they're doing.

[Jjs: And changed their usernames to murderers! Next SBC SWYAD, calling it right now.]

Officer John: Did you 69 those Patties, son?

[Fred: How about you 69 good dialogue too?]

[Jjs: How many times are you going to repeat that? 69?]

Spongebob: Yes.

Officer John: Good, good. Officer Nancy, I think our work here is done.

Officer Nancy: Just let me get some ice.

She enters the freezer, but the "dirty meat" is nowhere is to be found.

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

Officer Nancy: Oh, there's the ice. And you said ice was just a myth. 

Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle?

Spongebob: Sir, what happened to the dirty meat?

The sounds of moaning and groaning can be heard from behind. Krab's heart stopped at the sound of it. They all turn back to see what was making the sound and catch sight of a dark figure approaching them from the kitchen. 

[Jjs: So either ATTWL 3 70s/CDCB in their "black suits", or Woahwoah as the Mystery Director.]

Mr. Krabs: Run for yer lives, everyone! It's the appetizer!

[Jjs: That works too.]

[Renegade: Just give the guy some Tiny Toons; he'll calm down.]

[The Appetizer: Must. Need. Elmyra!]

Health Inspector: Hey you gu-

Officers John and Nancy proceed to beat him to death with their police issued barrel and anchor, but realize the truth when it's too late.

[Jjs: Health Inspector Lives Matter.]

Officer John: Hey, this isn't the appetizer. It's just an ordinary health inspector. 

Mr. Krabs: 69 those patties, boy. I have some business to take care of.

[Fred: 69, 69, 69, 69, 69, 69, 69, 69, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

STOP SAYING THAT GODFORSAKEN NUMBER! THAT JOKE IS GETTING SO FUCKING OLD!]

[Jjs: Seriously, that gag wasn't even that funny the first time. We didn't need it beaten to death...literally and figuratively.]

Spongebob: *sighs* Aye aye, sir.

Spongebob leaves Krabs to deal with the cops. The door shuts behind him.

Officer Nancy: Is this your idea of a joke?

[Fred: Better than most of the "jokes" here.]

Mr. Krabs: Yeeeeah, a joke! Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Fred: Catch Rusty's Raping Rampage reruns, Sundays at 8:30 on FOX after The Simpsons, all part of Animation Domination.]

All that could be heard from there were two SPLATS before the freezer fell into dead silence.

[Jjs: Wow guys, I don't know about you but I'm at a loss on what happened here. Sounds like a mystery. Better call SpongeBoy and gang, to keep with the status quo of nobody being able to solve it.]

Krabs casually makes his way out before breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =)

[Fred: Aaaaaaah, the stupid catchphrase is done. =)]

[Jjs: Aaaaaah, got in my repetitive catchphrase. =)]

Spongebob: I 69'd those patties again, sir.

[Hank Hill: That boy ain't right, I tell you what.]

[Fred: Shut the hell up, SpongeBob. We all know you 69'd those damn patties. You mentioned it like, I don't know, 69 TIMES IN THIS EPISODE?!]

Mr. Krabs: Ye best deliver em' to the precinct, lad. Be sure to send the my regards. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Fred: Also catch a special sneak peek of Ruty's Rapping Rampage at 9:30 after an all new Family Guy, all part of Animation Domination.]

Spongebob: Aye aye, Captain. Whatever you say.

And business went on as usual.

[Jjs: And the Rusty Train rolled on. If this spin-off is going to repeat itself, I guess I will too. Yeahhh, I'm gonna be honest and say I can see why some people are getting tired of this, only 8 episodes in. It has its funny moments, but having half the dialogue cut and pasted from actual SpongeBob episodes isn't really all that funny when you look at it overall, especially since I know OMJ can make his own witty dialogue. Even then, the ways the victims themselves die aren't all that interesting either. This is nowhere near as bad as many other things we've riffed so far, but I don't think this is aging all that well either. But hey, we've got 10 episodes left, so let's see how it goes, or otherwise known as "and riffing went on as usual".]

[Renegade: What is there that I haven't said about this spin-off? It's ridiculous, trite, and formulaic. And the times it DOES try to break from the victim-of-the-week pattern, it just seems to boomerang right back, with those episodes quickly gaining formulas of their own. I honestly refuse to see why this was so popular and well-liked back in the day, as it's nothing but plagiarized, out-of-context SpongeBob quotes sandwiched in between Law and Order cold openings stretched out to fill the length of an episode. OMJ, you are a FAR better writer than this; we've all seen it firsthand with Community Deathmatch. Therefore, I'm glad to stop where I am; hell, I wanted to riff the entire series, but on jjs' advice, I decided to riff only up to the halfway point. And honestly, could you see me try and riff all these episodes without dropping out of this crew at some point? No, you couldn't. So, I salute you, The Killer Krab, for being one of the worst things I've riffed. *flips not one, but TWO birds* And, to the rest of the Riffing Theater...I hope you guys can survive the rest of this, one way or another. *walks out, still giving the fingers to Killer Krab*]

[Fred: Meanwhile, I will be picking up all of Renegade's fingers that Mr. Krabs cut off in this episode. And I might 69 those fingers too, whatever that means. Mwah! Good night, everybody!]

 

Edited January 28, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

WHOO. GLAD TO BE DONE WITH THIS SHIT.

[SpongeOddFan]

too many 69 jokes...

i can see why Fred got tired of these jokes, good job to riffers btw.

[Metal Snake]

2 hours ago, jjsthekid said:

I believe the dirty meat is a metaphor for all of the previous works we've riffed.

I disagree. The previous works we've riffed aren't tainted meat. They're painted meat. Just look at all the colors we use for the dialogue.

Oh, and yeah, "tainted". That's an adjective that could've been used instead of "dirty" at least once or twice. As well as "rotten", "rancid", or if you really want simplicity, "bad". Though this spin-off hasn't even come close to committing an Eddsworld Meets Spongebob offense, I do understand why some people now find it to be bad.

[Joe Biden]

12 hours ago, Metal Snake said:

I disagree. The previous works we've riffed aren't tainted meat. They're painted meat. Just look at all the colors we use for the dialogue.

Oh, and yeah, "tainted". That's an adjective that could've been used instead of "dirty" at least once or twice. As well as "rotten", "rancid", or if you really want simplicity, "bad". Though this spin-off hasn't even come close to committing an Eddsworld Meets Spongebob offense, I do understand why some people now find it to be bad.

Just like how this episode is tainted with 69 jokes!

 

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

 

Seriously though, you have no idea how the 69 jokes all broke us. I never wanna hear that number after this.

[Old Man Jenkins]

The officers re-enter the premises, putting their nightsticks away.

Officer John: Job well done, Officer Nancy.

[Jjs: This might be my dirty mind (though since this is a dirty spin-off it's not unexpected), but I'm interpreting this line as they had sex, and those "nightsticks" were actually dildos. Wouldn't be the craziest thing to happen in this spin-off.]

[Jjs Goodman]

The Killer Krab

9. Puff Daddy

Spoiler

Chapter IX: Puff Daddy

[OMJ: What? He's gonna kill P. Diddy this time? Am I taking a page out of Ruty's Rapping Rampage now?]

[Hayden: An episode about Mrs. Puff's father(?), wonderful! There's no quotes of his from the show to pull from so I think we're in for a new and original premise starring a new well-written character.]

One, 

[OMJ: 

]

Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the register as his former Head Cashier and current ahead

[JCM: Yar, mateys! There be a current ahead!]

Fry Cook, SpongeBob Squarepants worked that grill like it was no one's business. 

[OMJ: What? Is he grinding it? Not that it's...my business...]

[Hayden: No one is usually in there except Spongebob, so I suppose it is no one's business. Except Eugene's.]

Krabs took the time to really inhale those dollar bills like they were a bad habit, which it kind of is to him.

[JCM: There is so much wrong with this sentence I'd need an entire episode of Reading Rainbow to explain it.]

[OMJ: That'll sure as Davy Jones make for an interesting Intervention episode.]

[Hayden: Dollar bills are made from trees and therefore provide that good fresh underwater oxygen.]

Mr. Krabs: Ye know, lad, there be nothin' else in the blimey blue that I love more than money.

[Hayden:  ]

Spongebob: We get it, sir. You're greedy and you have a heart of gold...bars.

[JCM: No wonder OMJ steals most of the jokes from the show. The original ones are horrendous.]

[Hayden: Since when does Spongebob "get it"? Also "Iron Abs" and a heart made of gold bars? How can Krabs stand with all that? He's not Larry the Lobster.]

Mr. Krabs: Ye took the joke out of me mouth lad! Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[OMJ: Thank you for taking the riff right out of my mouth. Ar Ar Ar Ar!]

[Hayden: This is why the Krusty Krab doesn't hold comedy night any longer.]

As Krabs went to focus back on his money, something caught his eye like the hooks, THE HOOKS! 

[JCM: What.]

[Hayden: Why the hell would THE HOOKS apply to him noticing a person he's awestruck by in his restaurant? This isn't hooking me.]

[OMJ: 

]

And there she was, sitting on a table at the far corner of the establishment. Eating a Krabby Patty never looked so arousing for old man Krabs, whose E.D. was miraculously cured at that precise moment. 

[OMJ: Elastic owes his life to Mrs. Puff's sexy eating.]

[JCM: E.D., E.D.D., 'N' E.D.D.Y]

Krabs began to quiver, he had shakes and fever coming on him. His innermost desires were starting to show in his, mostly his sweat.

[OMJ: Don't worry, I'm sure you'll take plenty more chances to finally get that reference right.]

[Hayden: 

I love how it's from the training video and wasn't even a goddamn proper callback to Krabs' Puff anxiety.]

He had this urge, an urgey urge the likes of which he could barely contain in his continually precipitated trousers.

[JCM: This reads like a bad fanfiction.net story.]

[Hayden: It was at this moment that Hayden had an urgey urge to jump on the hooks and hoist himself to his grave.]

[OMJ: There's so much wrong in that sentence that I don't want it to be right.]

Those soft blue fins he sees caressing that Krabby Patty was like sex with arms.

[OMJ: Haha! Like how Jelly would refer to Paull McCartney as sex on legs.]

The object of this crab's desire was a familiar fella, it was local boating school teacher and convicted felon, Mrs. Puff.

[Mr. Krab's crotch:  ]

[Hayden: Too bad Mrs. Puff has only attempted murder instead of committing it. You'll have to find someone with more common ground.]

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr,

[JCM: needs moar r]

[Hayden:  ]

SPONGEBOB! GIT OUT HERE!

[OMJ: We could make a drinking game out of just this one line alone.]

[Hayden: Ah yes, if Spongebob can help him have sex with Plankton, surely Spongebob can get him some sex with his boating instructor.]

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: In order to pay off the dry cleaning fer me clothes, I'm takin' it outta yer bill.

[Hayden: Mr. Krabs SOILED THEM! SOILED THEM!]

[OMJ: Don't you mean adding it on to his bill?]

[JCM: It doesn't make sense either way.]

Spongebob: With pleasure, sir!

[OMJ: I'd be happy too if my bill just got reduced!]

[Hayden: How does Spongebob even afford Gary?]

Mr. Krabs: Wait, come back! What do you know about that sweet piece of meat o'er there?

[OMJ: Uh...she's not dirty.]

[Hayden: Of course Krabs would refer to her as a piece of meat. Considering his obsession with grinding meat.]

Spongebob: Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, she sure looks good, huh?

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad!

Spongebob: The meat on that baby, you can just taste it.

[JCM: But you wouldn't taste a baby's meat because they'd be messed up, right?]

Mr. Krabs: Aye!

[JCM: Good.]

[Hayden: Well Mr. Krabs is great to hold a conversation with.]

Spongebob: I'd like to deep fry her, if you know what mean, Mr. K?

[OMJ: I can just imagine the comments from people saying they "couldn't imagine those words coming out of SpongeBob's mouth until now" right now!]

Mr. Krabs: Aye aye!

[Hayden: You probably will deep fry her by the end of the chapter you bipolar bastard.]

Spongebob: But it's a good thing we can make more where that came from.

[Hayden: You have a Puff cloning machine?  ]

Mr. Krabs: What? No, no, no! Not the patty, boy!

[OMJ: A To Love A Patty reference, perhaps?]

[JCM: If you're gonna steal from episodes, at least steal from good ones.]

[Hayden: Huh? That was an extended and more perverted Krusty Love reference.]

I be talkin' about the broad holding the patty!

Spongebob: Oh. Hey, that's my boating school teacher, Mrs. Puff! Hiiiii, Mrs. Puff!!

Mrs. Puff: THR BRAKES, SPONGEBOB! USE THE BRAKES! AAAAAH!!!!

[JCM: Do you want him to use thr brakes or the brakes? Be consistent!]

[Hayden: You know you're psychologically traumatized when you have that reaction while sitting down eating.]

[OMJ: 

]

Krabs thought fast and attempted to ease the awkwardness of the situation by pulling Spongebob back into the kitchen.

[OMJ: Krabs' pull out game is on point. I hope Puff Mama was watching.]

Mr. Krabs: I don't need Ye startlin' her, boy!

[OMJ: Ye? The first original character, original THING, in this story?!]

[JCM: Ye is already my favorite character.]

[Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you have to stop Ye, the fate of the Krusty Krab depends on it!]

Spongebob: My apologies, sir.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, she's already married.

[Mr. Krabs' crotch:  ]

Spongebob: I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Krabs.

[JCM: If SpongeBob didn't even know that, how did Mr. Krabs know that?]

[Hayden: What's this? Spongebob said she was single in the actual episode though. IS THIS STRAYING FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL?!]

Mr. Krabs:...Not fer long she ain't. Man the ship while I'm gone, Mr. Squarepants.

[OMJ:  ]

[Hayden: Spongebob is only equipped to kid things until the movie.]

Spongebob: Aye aye, captain!

SpongeBob: That didn't sound alarming at all! DAHAHAHAH! DAHAHAHHAH! DAHAHAHAHAHAH!

And with that, Krabs took his leave. He made his way to the Puff residence and stoke the place out well into the late night hours. The Mrs. hadn't yet arrived, apparently too busy with her schoolwork, but in came another boat mobile, operated by what looks to be a male pufferfish. 

[OMJ: This pretty much confirms he killed Mrs. Krabs.]

[JCM: Assuming there's any continuity in this spin-off whatsoever.]

This was what Krabs was waiting for. 

[OMJ: Could've fooled me, I would think he was waiting for SpongeBob to finally flip a burger.]

It was now or never, and Krabs is obviously too cheap to waste time 

[OMJ: HA!]

[Hayden: "stoke the place out well into the night hours". Yup, no time wasted. Hope Spongebob is enjoying it back at the KK....alone....at night. Just because his boss couldn't wait until closing hours.]

as he made his way out of his boat mobile. The male pufferfish made his way to the front door, unlocking it and made his way into the dark and seemingly humble abode. The door slammed shut behind him. The how house

[JCM: the what house]

[Hayden: The who house?]

remained dark as all that could be heard from then was a loud POP before the house fell into dead silence. The lights went on and Krabs nonchalantly waltzed out of the house and breathed a sigh of relief.

[OMJ: 

]

[Hayden: What did he do that made a POP sound? Step on bubble wrap? At least a murder wasn't in his office for once. Is that a tremendous plot development?]

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

[OMJ: Yes, the best way into a woman's heart is by increasing her electric bill. GODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!]

Krabs would stuff a load into his trunk

[OMJ: Haha! Double entendres.]

before peeling out of there. And business would go on as usual...

[JCM: How does he know where Mrs. Puff lives if he literally just met her for the first time today? I hope it's not as easy as looking up her name in the phone book. That's what allows homicidal maniacs like Mr. Krabs to do this stuff. I liked it better when Mr. Puff was just a lamp. /rant]

[Hayden: OMJ couldn't formulate any lines for Mr. Puff, let alone a climactic confrontation. So this ends up being a pathetic stalling tactic due to spending too much time on Krabs gaping at Puff. The biggest problem with Killer Krab is that there is so much empty air, and then the endings downright refuse to take full advantage of the concept's true darkness. You could literally just stick Mr. Krabs' catchphrase onto anytime he walks out from relieving himself on the toilet.]