Metal Snake Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 So instead of a SPLAT (implying being hit by a blunt object), it's a POP (implying being blown up). What's next, SNAP (implying breaking someone's neck), followed by CRACKLE (implying internal rupturing)? Adding new sound effects for the murders adds as much to the story as adding new things for the victims to be made into, like Rice Krispy treats, because it doesn't give the plots any extra meat. Why couldn't we learn anything about Mr. Puff's character or see any interactions with him and Mr. Krabs, or heaven forbid, Mrs. Puff? Hayden nailed it at the end, this is just wasted opportunity. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 8 hours ago, jjsthekid said: I'd like to deep fry her, if you know what mean, Mr. K? I never thought I'd hear those words come out of Spongebob until now. Anyways, even though I'm not riffing this anymore...let me just say that Killer Krab's quality is starting to go WAAAY downhill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 (edited) The Killer Krab 10. Hot For Teacher Spoiler Chapter X: Hot For Teacher [Fred: And now begs the question. Should I make a Hey Arnold reference or a Van Halen reference? Gonna go with the latter here. ] [Hayden: Well whatever happens it won't be as toxic as Ezra and Aria.] One day, Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, called in Spongebob Squarepants, head fry cook of the Krusty Krab into his captain's quarters, no not his pants, for a briefing. [Fred: Hahahahahahaha! It's funny because I don't get that joke at all! Ummmmmm, is it the word "briefing"? As in the things you wear over your private parts? Gross.] [Hayden: Maybe he keeps quarters in his pants. Or briefing means he's helping Spongebob try on pants.] Spongebob: You called me in, sir? Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad. How's yer teacher? [Hayden: Incredibly married. ] Spongebob: Mrs. Puff? Why? Mr. Krabs: I heard her puff daddy had a little...mishap. [Fred: What happened? Did he make another song that sucks?] [Hayden: No no, her father's fine. I get that OMJ decided to take the Puff Mama joke and put it on her husband, but I'd really prefer to not visualize Mrs. Puff calling Mr. Puff daddy.] Spongebob: She cancelled classes for the rest of the week, and when I began inquiring about it, she said she doesn't like talking about it. It sounds pretty bad. [Fred: But what happened to Mr. Puff?] [Hayden: How many times a week does Spongebob even go to boating school if he's working full time? Also, the only things Mrs. Puff would know at this point is that he either left her or is missing.] Mr. Krabs: Aye, aye. Spongebob: Say, nice lamp ya have there, sir. Looks pretty legit. [SpongeBob: Looks pretty lit, eh, Mr. Krabs?] [Patrick: ] Mr. Krabs: Oh, that old thing! Mr. Krabs proceeded to make haste in order to switch off the new pufferfish lamp in his office. [Hayden: When did he have time to make a lamp out of his victim's body parts? Mr. Krabs consistently sucks at getting rid of evidence. Is half the town going to die before someone catches onto this sloppy operation?] Mr. Krabs: This was...just a gift! Listen boy, I want ye to send her me regards. [Fred: Did you get that gift from Shell City?] [Hayden: ] Spongebob: You can just go out there and tell her yourself. Mr. Krabs: She's HERE?! Spongebob: She always come here to drown her sorrows whenever she's in distress, especially on school days for some reason. I always seem to miss her whenever I come in for my shif- [Fred: Shif? Shit? You always miss her whenever you come in for your shit?] [Hayden: So she's a stress eater. Guess she can't blame Spongebob for all of the times she expands.] Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no, NO! Ye see, lad, I-I'm too old to be sending anything! Why do ye think they take old people's licenses away?! We're just NOT HIP. We ain't CORAL! We make our governments lose money quite frankly, and ye know me, time is money! [Hayden: Can this dialogue get any less coral? Why is Mr. Krabs concerned with how much the government is making? Lol politics.] Spongebob: Oh, come on, Mr. Krabs. Just go over there comfort her. [Mr. Krabs: I'm sorry about your loss, Mrs. Puff. Here, take this pufferfish lamp I stole--er, I mean, bought from Shell City!] [Hayden: Re-gifting something handmade. How thoughtful.] Mr. Krabs: I can't, Spongebob! I'm scared. Spongebob: That's how you're supposed to feel! [Hayden: OMJ expecting us to eat that up is how we're supposed to feel!] Mr. Krabs: AY- uh, I think that hat may be a tad bit tight on that fucked up head of yer's, lad. [Hayden: How is it physically possible for that hat to be tight when it just lies on the middle of his head?] Spongebob: Flatter her, Mr. Krabs. [Hayden: *Flatten her and get a matching lamp.] Spongebob begins dragging Krabs along by his big meaty claw as Eugene vehemently tries to pull back. [Spongebob: Don't try to pull out, sir.] Mr. Krabs: Oh, why does it have to be this way?! And right there, Krabs took a long, hard look at the man in the mirror as Spongebob continued dragging him to the door. Krabs did what he did for a reason and he must act onPuff's insecurities now. [Fred: Who is onPuff? He or she's my favorite character.] Mr. Krabs: It's fer the best. [Hayden: How does the shit he said/did while debating whether to murder Pearl apply to him comforting a grieving Puff he wants to bang?] Krabs finally stopped sweating buckets and composed himself. [Fred: Mr. Krabs sweats actual buckets? OMJ, that's gross.] [Hayden: How can you even put anything in a sweat bucket? The water would splash to the ground unless you froze it and shaped it like a bucket.] Spongebob: Right on, Mr. Krabs! Spongebob then karate kicked him out the office and into Mrs. Puff's general area. [Fred: Wait, how did he even do that? I thought he was Armor Abs Krabs in "Shell of a Man". Since when was SpongeBob able to karate kick him outside of the office without his foot disintegrating?] [Hayden: Iron isn't as hard as Armor I spose.] Mrs. Puff: ...Uh, hello. Mr. Krabs: =) ....DAH-OOOOOOHOOOOO! [Mr. Krabs: Allow me to speak in my native tongue.] Mrs. Puff: My, perhaps s-some...other time... [Hayden: Sure, he can teach you his native tongue next weekend. ] Mr. Krabs: EEEAUUHH! [Fred: ] Mrs. Puff: Oh, dear... Spongebob decided to step in for his totally "not coral" boss. [Hayden: We're way past "not coral" and into "psychotic cringefest".] Spongebob: Mrs. Puff, wait! Mrs. Puff: The visions, they're coming back! [Fred: It seems like the visions from when she fought the crab people in The Battle of Bikini Bottom were triggered.] Mr. Krabs: BLAAAHUUU BLAAAHUUU! [Hayden: ] Spongebob: Wait, Mr. Krabs wants to tell you something! Mr. Kabs: ABUDA BUDA BUDA! EBOOLAH! [Fred: Mr. Krabs wants Mrs. Puff to convert to Buddhism and catch Ebola? Weird request, but this is "The Killer Krab" Eugene Krabs we're talking about.] Spongebob: He wants to...hit you with a rake! [Fred: And kill you and bury your dead body.] Mr. Puff: Egad! Mr. Krabs: NUOOOOOOOO! [Mr. Krabs: Argh, stop spoiling the ending, Spongebob!] Spongebob: He wants to...drown you in a lake! [Fred: And kill you and bury your dead body.] [Mr. Krabs: That's not even possible underwater, boy! Plus it doesn't make a pop or splat sound so it's out the window.] Mrs. Puff: Dear lord! Mr. Krabs: NOBADA! NOBADA! Spongebob: He wants to take youuuuu...ON A DATE. [Mr. Krabs: Eh, close enough. That'll be my first motive and then we'll circle back to brainstorming ways to die.] Mr. Krabs: MOAR! [Fred: Moar? Does Eugene wanna take you on a thousand dates? Too many dates? 50 First Dates? A date to 50 First Dates? I don't get the context besides "here's a quote from SpongeBob, enjoy lolz".] Krabs collapsed from the pressure of it all. [Hayden: I would've thought he collapsed all those other times his words were horribly jumbled/translated and thus would have driven any normal woman away.] Mrs. Puffs: Is that true, Mr. Krabs? You want to take me on a date? [Fred: "Mrs. Puffs"? There are more than one Mrs. Puff? Until I know who the real Mrs. Puff is, nobody move, nobody gets hurt!] Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, aye. What do ye say? Mrs. Puff: What do I say? What do I say?! My husband ran off on me without a trace, leaving open the window of interpretation, and you want to take me out on a date?! [Fred: Oooh, this is gonna be good. Fight him! Go on, beat his ass!] [Hayden: The insensitive bastard's done it now!] Well, I must say, you have quite a way with words, Mr. Krabs. I'd love to go out somewhere nice with you! [Fred: Dammit, I wanted to see her fight Mr. Krabs and his weak-ass shell that got kicked by SpongeBob.] [Hayden: Did Mr. Puff really set this low of a standard or is she so emotionally fragile that she's willing to rebound with anyone?] Mr. Krabs: I still got it. Ar Ar Ar! [Fred: PLEASE BUY RUSTY'S RAPING RAMPAGE MERCH NOW] [Spongebob: But sir, I did all the asking out while you played babble like an idiot.] Later that night, at the local diner. [Hayden: That's not as expensive as where he took her in the episode. But I'm sure the bill will still be too damn high and justify murder.] Mrs. Puff: Oh, Mr. Krabs. I couldn't possible eat another bite. Mr. Krabs: Nothin' but the best fer ye, me lil cream puff. [Fred: Did you order the pufferfish surprise?] Waitress: Yer bill, honey. Mr. Krabs: Why don't ye wait out by the car, I got this. Mrs. Puff: Alright, Eugene Krabs look over his bill and is completely shocked at what he sees. [Hayden: ] Mr. Krabs: On hundred dollars?! That can't possibly be correct! [Fred: You're right, Mr. Krabs. That isn't correct. It's supposed to be "one hundred dollars".] Waitress: Mah bad there. THIS is yer bill. Krabs nearly popped an appendix. Mr. Krabs: WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!?!?!!?!!?!?!?!? [Hayden: But it's a fucking diner.] The next day, in Mr. Krab's office. [Fred: I'd honestly riff this mistake, but it's still an honest mistake. You're off the hook this time!] Spongebob: I don't understand, Mr. Krabs. How could you spend ten whole dollars in one night? [Fred: Wait, wait, wait, hold on a damn minute. First, Mr. Krabs complains about having to pay a $100 bill and then complains about having to spend like minus 90 of that bill? I do not get your logic, episode. On another topic, how do you end up spending only $10 at a fancy restaurant or diner? They must have ate at the cheapest fancy diner then. Good ol' murderin' Krabsy!] [Hayden: Better start jacking up Krabby Patty prices to pay for that expensive 10 dollar meal. Guess this means it was a diner after all, but the meal should still be 20-30 dollars if they had dessert.] Mr. Krabs: I don't know what came over me, boy. I just had to spend every little cent I had on her! [Hayden: This just in, Krabs confirmed poorest man in the world.] Spongebob: What are you gonna do now? Mr. Krabs: I ain't takin' her to no Disney World if that's what yer thinkin'?! [Fred: There's a Disney World in Bikini Bottom now? I hope the slogan is true that it's the "happiest place under the sea".] We have plans for tonight and I'm torn between me two true loves; that hot piece of tail fin, Mrs. Puff AND THE REST OF ME MONEY! [Hayden: If only there was a way to have both. Such as owning the most popular restaurant in town.] Spongebob: Maybe you can go Dutch? [Hayden: For those at home, that means sharing the price equally.] Mr. Krabs: Dutch? Dutch? Ye want us to go Dutch?! Going to Dutchland costs me more money than going to Disney World, lad! [Fred: The Flying Dutchman has a theme park now? What are the odds?] [Hayden: I can't tell if this is one OMJ's "jokes" that slightly alter the reference or if OMJ was confused by what going dutch meant.] Spongebob: I'm sorry for not realizing that, sir. Maybe you should just...call things off. Mr. Krabs: Call things off? I can't...I-I love her, lad, I really love her. [Hayden: Love has one short price tag.] Spongebob: Which do you love more, Mr. Krabs? Her or the money? And for the first time in Eugene H. Krab's life, he has found himself at a crossroads. They say too much will kill you if you can't make up your mind, torn between your lover and the love you leave behind. Krabs was headed for disaster for he never read the signs, but as some people say, Krabs is too cheap to pay attention. Krabs spent a whole 46 seconds thinking his situation through. He has made a decision. [Fred: ] [Hayden: You've been on one date you melodramatic asswipe.] Mr. Krabs: I know what I must do, lad. I'll try to let her down easy, but I'm afraid I'll end up breaking her heart. [Hayden: ] Krabs' super sniffer kicked in, the scent of Puff filled his nostrils as he inhaled it all in at once like a drug. She was here. [Fred: Mr. Krabs sure likes his drugs.] [Hayden: I guess smelling his own sweat made his sniffer more powerful.] Mr. Krabs: Send her into me office. It's not goin' to be easy, boy... Spongebob: I'm sure, things will turn out alright, Mr. Krabs. [Hayden: ] Spongebob went out to send in Puff. Krabs remained in his office as he could hear Puff Mama freaking out at the thought of being in Spongebob's presence from inside his captain's quarters. After about five minutes of terrible flashbacks, Puff finally calms down and greets Krabs inside his office. [Hayden: Nothing like making your love's last moments special just because you couldn't send her into your office yourself.] Mrs. Puff: Hi, Eugene. Mr. Krabs: Hello, sweet Mrs. Puff. [Hayden: You mean we're actually hearing the final exchange between Killer Krab and his victim for once? OMJ must've brought his Writing 101 manual today.] Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff: There's something I have to- Mr. Krabs: Ye first. [Hayden: Because she wouldn't be alive long enough to go second.] Mrs. Puff: To be frank, Eugene, I don't think things are going to work out between us. Mr. Krabs: Ye two?! I mean, but why? [Hayden: *too] Mrs. Puff: Quite frankly, Eugene, you're kind of a cheap ass. Mr. Krabs: Cheap? [Hayden: ] Mrs. Puff: I know, it's harsh but is moreso you than it is me. I need a man who is willing to go that extra mile with me and if he's not even committed monetary-wise, then the relationship just wouldn't be healthy. [Hayden: Ok, hold up, if this had lasted about a month maybe I could see this relationship discussion, but as usual OMJ cuts through most of the hard work and uses as little set-up as possible.] Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't know what to say. Mrs. Puff: I'm sorry, Eugene but there plenty of fish out there in the sea. [Hayden: You'd think a teacher would have better grammar.] The door to his office suddenly shut closed and all that could be heard from then was a brief "AAH" then a POP before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzed his way out, breathing a sigh of relief. [Fred: Well, that escalated quickly.] Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =) [Mr. Krabs: Is this catchphrase popular yet? =)] [Hayden: Sell it on a t-shirt!] Spongebob: How are you feeling now, Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs: Ye want to know how I'm feelin'? [Fred: Yeah, sure.] [Hayden: Like a piece of shit for getting rejected first?] Spongebob: Yeah. Mr. Krabs: Ye really wanna know how I'm FEELIN'? [Fred: Yes, dammit.] [Hayden: Like an ass clown for sacrificing personal fulfillment for useless paper that you have endless reserves of?] Spongebob: yeah, yeah! Mr. Krabs: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants. [Fred: But what are YOU feeling?] [Hayden: It's one thing to at least pull a new reference out of your ass every episode, but now you're referencing the same ones multiple times. Amp up your work, Mr. OMJ.] Krabs left Spongebob and sought refuge back in his office. Krabs would hoist another load into the freezer later that day, and business went on as usual... [Fred: And the same tedious formulaic series went on as usual....] [Hayden: So much for the matching lamp. ] Edited February 3, 2017 by jjsthekid 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 ...Ten dollars? In the episode, it was one hundred thousand dollars. If it was a joke, it's not one that makes sense. Was it a typo? Did he mean ten thousand? I will say though, dumping someone over ten dollars wouldn't be too much of a stretch looking at Mr. Krabs' character now. Even Village Inn costs more than that for two people, so Krabs essentially dumped her over a meal at Denny's. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Well, at least OMJ's padding out the victim-of-the-week plots. Doesn't make them any better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted February 6, 2017 Author Share Posted February 6, 2017 The Killer Krab 11. Taxes Spoiler Chapter XI: Taxes [Fred: Who gives a shit about dumb ol' taxes?] [JCM: What a coincidence! I'm cheating on doing my taxes right now!] [Steel: I'm back again, and I believe we're getting close to the climax. If that's the case, then this episode should be where things start leading up to something.] One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the register like the boss he is as his head fry cook, Spongebob Squarepants, worked to flip that meat on the grill. Mr. Krabs grew wary of working the register. Even though he had since it was little calculator, he still had money that needed to counted in his captain's quarters. [Fred: And life at the Krusty Krab was just another ordinary day.............until BIKINI BOTTOM GOT HIT WITH AN EARTHQUAKE, BIRDS AND SNAKES AND AEROPLANES-- .......sorry about that. Trying to make this exposition more interesting.] [Steel: I'm crossing my fingers on the next scene....Grrr SpongeBob get out here, Grrr SpongeBob get out here, Grrr SpongeBob-] Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Spongebob! Get out here! [Steel: Yep.] Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: I canna [JCM: You canna. We canna.] [Fred: Did Mr. Krabs take spelling lessons from The Spice Girls?] [Steel: He loves to singa - about the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a.] be out here all day, boy! We need a new cashier to look after me hard earned cash of the day! [Fred: I'll volunteer. I mean, I'm already a Cashier on SBC, I think I would--oh of course you would make spongebob your cashier.] Suddenly, a green hand came out from under the floor boards [Steel: The Grinch?] and slugged Spongebob in the face. A figure bursted [JCM: burst] from the floor, revealing herself to be Sandy, before continuing her assault on the little square dude. [Fred: "Assault"? Dude, please call the police, that crazy squirrel is trying to kill you. Spongebob's karate gear magically shows up in the next shot as they engage in mortal combat. [Fred: CHOOSE YOUR CHARACTER] [Steel: ] They continue going at it for about another five minutes before Mr. Krabs gets all up in their spicy coral bits. [Steel: Show don't tell.] Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB AND FRIEND! Front and center! Spongebob and Sandy stop what they're doing and stand upright. [My leg!: So they could change their usernames to random SpongeBob quotes, I assume. I already changed mine.] Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, you will see your share in the repayment for all these damages coming straight from your bill. As for YOU, lil miss...Who are you again, lass? [JCM: That's okay. I forget she exists sometimes too.] [Fred: I know her name! I think her name is Mandy or something.] [Steel: She was from that one show! Err....Brandy. Brandy & Mr. Whiskers!] Sandy: Sandy. [Steel: D'oh! No need to worry, I'll get it right next time!] Mr. Krabs: Oh right, Mandy. In order to help pay off these damages, ye are gonna work for me foreveeeeer! [Fred: Well, looks like my riff from earlier is moot now. Thank you, Mr. Krabs.] [Steel: My newest plagiarism checking engine has outsourced this non-cited quote to this website that holds a transcript containing it: http://spongebob.wikia.com/wiki/Squid_on_Strike_(transcript) ] Sandy: But Mr. Krabs- Mr. Krabs: No buts, Missy! [Fred: I like square buts and I canna lie.] He tosses her Squidward's old, bloodstained hat. [JCM: Seriously, does he not get dry cleaning?] Sandy: Uh, Mr. Krabs, what's this red smudge on this hat? Mr. Krabs: What? Ye never seen a ketchup stain before? Now git back to work! [Fred: Because the real Squidward would dip his hat in ketchup for some weird reason.] [Steel: It could be mustard.] And business would seemingly go on as usual, but Spongebob and Sandy's steamy karate battles soon proved to put a hamper on Krab's business interests. [Fred: "Steamy karate battles"? If I didn't know any better, then that phrase is basically a euphemism for "sex".] A few days later, Keabs [JCM: DEAUGH] [Fred: New character time!] [Steel: Character death of the day time.] contemplated over what to do about this in his office. Mr. Krabs: Ar, those two are more trouble than they worth. They're like a bunch of horny teenagers! [Fred: More emphasis on "horny".] [JCM: Only much less fun to watch.] Oh, why forget have to be this way?! [Fred: .......wow, Mr. Krabs. You just failed that sentence. Face the facts. You canna say anything right. Also, who's "forget"?] [Steel: Why your grammar have to be this way?] He got up from his chair to once again break up yet another steamy spar session between his two co-workers. [Fred: Stop using that word or else I'm gonna have bad thoughts in my brain.] [Steel: Welp, now we went from meaty descriptions to steamy descriptions. The use of the word "steamy" is making this spin-off feel like a bunch of steamed vegetables.] Sandy: HIYA! OOOHAH! You're not getting the better of me now, Spongebob! Spongebob: WAH! AIWOOH! I'll make you eat those words, Sandy! Literally! [JCM: You'll literally feed her the words she just said? How would that even work?] [Fred: You haven't heard of word soup before? OMJ just invented it now.] [Steel: You'll make her eat her mating call too?] Mr. Krabs: What the barnacl- As Krabs put his claw out to grab Spongebob by his collar, Spongebob's active reflexes makes him break Krab's claw on contact. Hiding his tears, Krabs explodes. [Fred: And after he exploded, no one around had to deal with the murderous Eugene Krabs anymore, and they all lived happily ever after. Would've made a perfect ending, but unfortunately, the show has to go on.] [Steel: DUH END- oh wait, there's more? Nevermind, then.] Mr. Krabs: WHAT THE BARNACLE IS GOING ON HERE?! [JCM: I AM OFFENDED] [Steel: This plagiarism checking engine has also outsourced me to this website containing this un-cited quote: http://spongebob.wikia.com/wiki/The_Algae's_Always_Greener_(transcript) ] Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, sir! This isn't what you think- Mr. Krabs: What is there to think of, lad?! Ye two are out here foolin' around, scarin' away me money! [Fred: I don't blame them. If I saw two people having sex on the street, I'd run like hell too. Also, what does all of this have to do with taxes? I guess it's like an anagram for something but it's still misleading.] Sandy: It's not Spongebob's fault, Mr. Krab's it's mine! [Steel: I might as well make this joke again. Plagiarism checking engine, do your thing! Hey, wait a minute! This thing must be on the fritz...] Mr. Krabs: Then maybe I'll have to rethink our current business relationship. Mr. Squidward may have been an octopussy [JCM: James Bond fan, I see.] [Steel: The crab with the golden puns.] but at least he had some self-control. Spongebob: Which reminds me, did he finish those errands? [SpongeBob: Did I finish this stupid unoriginal running gag yet? No? Okay!] Mr. Krabs: NO! HE AIN'T FINISHED WITH THOSE ERRANDS [JCM: cause he dead] AND HE NEVER WILL BE! SO GET BACK TO WORK! [Steel: The same way the spin-off won't stop using verses from the Holy Bible of SpongeBob quotes.] Krabs left them to their work, but his words kept echoing in Sandy's helmet regarding Squidward. Sandy put two and two together and snuck her Krusty Krew back home to conduct tests on the peculiar stain she had previously discovered. After laboring all the way until dawn, the results came in and they were conclusive: the blood was Squidward's. Krabs also spent his night alone at home, contemplating on what to do about the situation at work. He can't continue to have Spongebob and Sandy costing him more of his money and he can't afford to lose his best fry cook over girl problems, so much so he began to feel bad for the sponge. He came to a conclusion, Krabs knew what must be done. [Fred: Oh shit, what's he about to do? Kill her?] The next day, Spongebob worked the grill, unphased [JCM: unfazed] by the events that took place at the establishment the day before. Sandy manned the register, fully intending on confronting Krabs about her recent discovery. Feeling restless, Sandy leaves her post to confront her new boss. Krabs sat in his office, cracking his injured claw as if to see he has regained some strength after the injury he sustained the day before. He began to make his way towards his office door to call Sandy in, but was surprised to see Sandy bursting in out of her own and power. Krabs took a few ssteps [JCM: Didn't know a snake was writing this.] [Fred: Step to the left. Step to the right.] back as Sandy took a few steps toward the sweaty old crab. [Patrick: Gee, Mr. Krabs, you're getting all sweaty again.] [Steel: I just hope this won't lead up to some sweaty descriptions.] Mr. Krabs: What's the meanin' of this, lass? Sandy: Mr. Krabs, I have to talk to y'all about somethin' I just found out! Mr. Krabs had a bad feeling in the pit of his wallet. Mr. Krabs: Time is money, girl! Git back to work! Sandy: I don't think so, sir. I know what happened, I know what YOU darn done did to Squidward. [JCM: "Sir" and "darn done" in the same sentence? This is how you know OMJ hasn't spent much time in the south.] [Steel: Ah say, ya darn did done dealt it ain't like no darn Doug Dimmadome did done....see ah darn tootin' can speak Texas!] [Fred: You forget, JCM. She lived in TAAAAAXAAAAAAAASS!] Mr. Krabs: Wait, it's not what ye think! Sandy: You should be darn dern ashamed of yourself, Mr. Krabs, now you left me no choice but to- [Fred: "Darn dern". Excellent grammar.] Suddenly, the office door behind slammed shut behind her and all that could be heard was glass shattering and few gasps for air before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzed out before breathing a sigh of relief. [Fred: Mr. Krabs must be a really great dancer. Wait, what'd I just say?!] [JCM: Probably should have gone to the cops instead of doing that. Sandy is the last person I'd expect to follow horror movie logic.] [Steel: At the very least, she didn't FOLLOW A TRAIL OF CANDY LIKE IN THAT ONE LIT-] Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =] [Fred: You're using end brackets now?] Spongebob: What happened to Sandy, sir? Mr. Krabs: Who? Oh yes, Candy! I sent her on an all expense paid vacation to-to...Kentucky or whatever hick place she comes from in that general area. [JCM: hilaryfan80 is not amused.] [Fred: Bitch gon' be shot if she comes near Florida.] [Steel: *cough* This joke got a kick out of me, I'll be honest. *cough*] I felt she needed...a break. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! Spongebob: But Mr. Krabs, who will manage the register while she's gone? Mr. Krabs: Who's that friend of yer's that likes the chili? Spongebob: Patrick? [JCM: No! Anyone but him!] Mr. Krabs: Send em over! Ar Ar Ar Ar! [Mr. Krabs: So I can kill him next! Ar Ar Ar Ar!] [Fred: HOW HAVE YOU NOT BOUGHT RUSTY MERCHANDISE YET] Later that day, Mr. Krabs would hoist another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual... [Fred: At least change up the ending line of the episode now and again. It feels like I'm living Groundhog Day all over again.] [Steel: This episode was steamy. I'll be awaiting the sweaty material eventually.] 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted February 6, 2017 Share Posted February 6, 2017 ...No comment on the story, but the riffs were gold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 UGH, I was actually enjoying the latter half of the story up until the part with Sandy confronting Mr. Krabs. That has to be the most cringeworthy cliche in horror/mystery stories, confronting someone you know is a murderer just to tell him you're going to rat him out. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN, THAT HE'S JUST GOING TO GO, "OH GOLLY ME, THE JIG IS UP, I DON'T SEE ANY WAY I CAN KEEP COVERING THIS UP!". I'd rather have Sandy have just been caught in the act of finding the incriminating evidence. It's still predictable, but nowhere near as hackneyed. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 23 minutes ago, Metal Snake said: UGH, I was actually enjoying the latter half of the story up until the part with Sandy confronting Mr. Krabs. That has to be the most cringeworthy cliche in horror/mystery stories, confronting someone you know is a murderer just to tell him you're going to rat him out. WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN, THAT HE'S JUST GOING TO GO, "OH GOLLY ME, THE JIG IS UP, I DON'T SEE ANY WAY I CAN KEEP COVERING THIS UP!". ...Which leads to the typical "murder-the-victim-of-the-week" plot the Killer Krab is known for. What I'm irritated about is the fact that EVERY OTHER PIECE OF DIALOGUE WAS AN SB REFERENCE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 The Killer Krab 12. Big, Scary and Pink Spoiler Chapter XII: Big, Scary and Pink [JCM: We're doing an episode about the Alaskan Bull Worm now?] [Jjs: Oh no, giant piles of bubblegum!] One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was manning the register when Spongebb Squarepants, [Jjs: Who is Spongebb Squarepants? Sounds like some lame foreign bootleg version.] head fry cook, came rushing into the establishment. Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs: What? What? What? Spongebob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! [Jjs: Jjs! Jjs! Jjs!] Mr. Krabs: Yes! Yes! Yes! (Daniel Bryan FTW) [Jjs: ] Spongebob: He said! He said! He said! [JCM: It's not as funny when he doesn't look like he needs to pee.] [Jjs: Hooray, more copy and pasted dialogue. You could make an entire episode out of just SpongeBob quotes by this point.] Mr. Krabs: Grrrr, out wit it, boy! Patrick: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs: Aye, I have a bad feelin' in the pit of me wallet. [Jjs: Wow, even Mr. Krabs himself knows this episode isn't going to be good.] Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, Patrick says he would love to be a member of the Krusty Krew! Mr. Krabs: Aye? Walk him through an orientation first, lad. [JCM: a sexual orientation] I can't risk puttin' all me eggs in one basket. [Jjs: I didn't know it was Easter already.] Spongebob: We won't let you down, sir. [Jjs: In other words, you will.] Mr. Krabs: Ye better not, or I'll have both ye asses hangin' on me wall. Spongebob: DAHAHAHA! Good one, sir. [Jjs: Part of me thinks this Mr. Krabs hangs his victim's dead asses on his wall after killing them. Wouldn't be the most weird thing to happen.] Patrick: I wish I knew that earlier. Spongebob, this job sounds great! [Jjs: Patrick wishes he knew Mr. Krabs would have both of their asses hanging on his wall earlier if they let him down?] [JCM: Patrick confirmed as a sodomite.] Spongebob: And what makes it better is that you're working under me, pal. Mr. Krabs: Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! [Jjs: I guess Mr. Krabs found a sexual joke in that line, as some of you might.] Spongebob: What's the habub, Mr. K? [Grammar Police: Did you mean: hubbub] Mr. Krabs: It's just that ye said he be workin' under ye, ye know! Spongebob: I don't quite get it, sir- Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me, boys, or yer fired. [JCM: Krabs reminds me a lot of Vladimir Putin, only with less blood on his hands.] Spongebob & Patrick: Dahahahahaha Uhuhuhuhuh Dahahahahahah Uhuhuhuhuhuh! [Jjs: ] Mr. Krab: Ar, GIT BACK TO WORK. Time is money and ye two are already provin' to be more trouble than yer worth. Spongebob & Patrick: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs! [Jjs: Wow, this spin-off is so repetitive it's gotten to the point where even characters are repeating each other.] Krabs leave them to go about their jobs as he tends to his money in his office. Spongebob and Patrick go to take the garbage out to the dumpster. [Jjs: ] Spongebob: Man, Mr. Krabs and his dirty meat. [Jjs: Knowing how cheap Mr. Krabs is, I'm surprised he isn't having SpongeBob use the dirty meat for the Krabby Patties.] Patrick: on second thought, can I take this meat with me? [JCM: hey, I'm the only person here who can leave my sentences uncapitalized. learn your place.] Spongebob: I don't understand, you already have yourself a lifetime supply of fried oyster skins. Why would you need all this dirty meat? Patrick: Cause I'm dirty. [Jjs: Are you Dirty Dan?] Spongebob: That you are, buddy, that you are! Spongebob tosses the bags into the dumpster and quite a lot of fur falls out as it soars through the air. [Jjs: Since they are underwater, I imagine that fur must be soaked now.] Spongebob: Fur? Patrick takes all the fur and stuffs it into his pants. [JCM: Don't make me do it.] [Jjs: So Patrick is a literal furry now?] Spongebob: You have no idea where that's been, Patrick, are you crazy? Patrick: No, I'm warm. [JCM: I swear to God I'll do it.] [Jjs: ] They head back inside where they come across an emaciated fish by the name of Dave. [Jjs: Dave the Barbarian?] Spongebob: Dear Neptune below! Patrick, we have to save this poor creature! Patrick: Don't touch me, I'm sterile! [JCM: Pretty sure you lost that when you stuffed your pants with Sandy's hide.] [Jjs: ] They help the poor vagabond up to his feet and take him to a table. [Jjs: Hopefully he's not as rabid as these homeless folk: ] Spongebob: What can we get you, you poor creature? Dave: I haven't eaten or drink in three days... [JCM: Or drink is my favorite food.] Spongebob: Patrick, get this man a Krabby Patty Deluxe ASAP! Patrick: I'm on it! Patrick heads off to do his thang [Jjs: well then] as Spongebob tends to Dave, who is losing it gradually as Patrick continues taking his time in the kitchen. Spongebob: What's he doing in there, killing the gosh darn sea cow. [JCM: That's not a question?] [Jjs: I actually wouldn't be surprised. Maybe Patrick became a psychotic murderer too. Would certainly be a way to shake up this tiresome formula.] I'll be right back, sir. [ATTWL 3 SOF: brb] Spongebob rushes into kitchen as he sees Patrick in fetal position with a jar of unopened pickles next to him. Spongebob: Patrick, what are you doing? You can't just leave a customer waiting out there. Patrick: I can't open it! Spongebob: The jar? [Jjs: No, his pants. What else is he trying to open, dumbass?] Patrick: Yes, the jar! You of all people should know we can't serve out Krabby Patties without pickles! [JCM: Have you checked under Bubble Bass's tongue?] Spongebob: You're right. I'll show you how to open it. Take it and grab it by the lid. Patrick grabs the glass. ["We All Know What You Meant" Police: Don't you mean: ass] Patrick: OPEN SESAME! Well, I done all I could do. [Jjs: You get a sticker for trying.] Spongebob: No, the lid. THE lid. The LID! For Neptune's sake, Patrick, take your hands out your pants and grab it by the li- HOLD IT, YOU'RE ON FIRE! [Jjs: ] Patrick: OOOW! Spongebob: Calm down, Patrick! Now turn it to the left gently. By Neptune, we're witnessing history here! [Jjs: I'm sure historians will be writing about this for years to come.] Patrick: Oh no, I broke it! Spongebob: No, Patrick, you opened it! Patrick: Yeah, touchdown! [JCM: Finally. Someone who understands sports as well as I do.] Patrick immediately slams the jar of pickles into ground, promptly wasting their last supply of pickle Spongebob: You just couldn't take the ball and roll with it, could you.? They hastily put together a Krabby Patty without pickles and take it to Dave in hopes that he may not notice. [Jjs: "YOU FORGOT THE PICKLES!"] Spongebob: Here you, my good man. Bon appetite! Dave: What is that? A Krabby Patty? [Jjs: What else could it be, dumbass?] Patrick: With or without nuts? [JCM: You can eat deez nuts.] Dave: Where's the pizzazz? [Jjs: If that's an in-joke about the spin-off itself, good question.] Dave leaves his seat and proceeds to crawl his way out. Meanwhile, in Mr. Krab's office, his super sniffer alerts him to the money that is currently heading out the door. He rushes out to see why he's losing out on some hard-earned cash. Mr. Krabs: Ar, what seems to be the problem here? [Jjs: Some douchebag is finding your sandwiches stale...just like me with this spin-off. Huh, wonder if there was a point here somewhere.] Dave: Look at this shithole. What's the theme here? It's boring! Food! Water! Atmosphere! [JCM: Somehow we've stretched out a gag that last a few seconds in the show itself until it filled up half a chapter.] [Jjs: Wow, Dave might be my favorite character in this spin-off.] Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle? No one goes to a restaurant fer atmosphere, they go fer food! Dave has already crawled his way out of the establishment. [Jjs: The wild Dave fled!] Mr. Krabs: Spongebob and Friend! Front and center! [Jjs: Pretty sure even this psychotic version of Mr. Krabs should know Patrick's name, but what do I know.] Spongebob: What is it, captain. [JCM: That's not a question either?] Mr. Krabs: Git back into the kitchen and make me more money by making me more sandwiches. I'll deal with this unhappy customer personally. The reputation of the Krusty Krab is at stake! Spongebob & Patrick: Aye aye, sir! [Jjs: Seriously, can you read each other's minds?] They head back into the kitchen as Krabs heads out to deal with Dave. He catches up with him crawling near the dumpsters out back and grabs him by his tail fin. Dave: Hey man, that's not cool. [Jjs: I agree, don't kill off the best character. ] Mr. Krabs: It ain't cool, it's CORAL. [JCM: I'M ABOUT TO DO IT AGAIN] Krabs proceeds to use his big meaty claws to break Dave's tail fin, [Jjs: ] further crippling him than he already is. Krabs wrestles with him on the ground as he tries to get a firm grip in order to pull him back into his office from out back. Dave has some fight in him and scribbles something onto the dumpster with his finger before being pulled in through the back entrance. Mr. Krabs: I'll give ye atmosphere! Krabs successfully pulls Dave back into the premises using the back entrance and tries to be pull him into his office as quiet as possible in order to not attract his employees' attention. He puts a claw over Dave's mouth and hoists him into his office before slamming the door. [Jjs: Is this 50 Shades of Grey now?] All that could be heard from then was a brief "Bejabbers" before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzed out, breathing a sigh of relief. [Jjs: RIP Dave. Best character in the spin-off. What a shame.] Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =) Spongebob, Patrick git out here! Spongebob & Patrick: Yes, Mr. Krabs? [JCM: Did they rehearse that?] [Jjs: I guess they are such close friends they can read each other's minds.] Mr. Krabs: I dealt with that yella-bellied polliwog and I can assure ye that we won't receive anymore complaints about the atmosphere anymore. [Jjs: Well I for one sure as hell still have complaints about the atmosphere, especially where I live.] This is a family restaurant and nothin' means more to me than family, we don't need no gimmicks to get ahead in this business! Spongebob: Alriiiight, Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs: Now take this garbage out to the trash. Krabs tosses them another drenched trash bag. [Jjs: Drenched in what?] Mr. Krabs: It's startin' to give me a rash. [JCM: You should see a doctor about that.] [Jjs: Moar like belongs in the trash.] Spongebob and Patrick head back out to dispose of the trash and they do just that, but Spongebob notices something on the dumpster that wasn't there earlier. Spongebob: "Krabs is a..." hmmmm, "Krabs is aaaaa..." Patrick, come take a look at this. Patrick: "Kraaaaaabssss." Isn't that the sweaty guy we're working for? [Jjs: No, you're actually working for a psychotic murderer.] Spongebob: Yes, but look at the rest of the sentence. I can't quite make out what the last word says. [JCM: Krabs is a kunt.] Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, SPONGEBOB GIT OUT HERE! [Jjs: Can this episode like end already.] Spongebob: No time for that now. Come on, buddy! They head back inside the kitchen, where Mr. Krabs is staring at the hole in the floor and the pickles that litter it. [Jjs: Pickles...hole in the floor...oh my.] Mr. Krabs: What's the meaning of this?! It's wasting money! And these pickles were supposed to pasty til the end of the month. Spongebob: I can explain, sir. Patrick had a little...accident earlier. I blame the faulty jars they use nowadays. Mr. Krabs: Accident, eh? Well, in order to pay off these damages and fer next jar of pickles, I'm increasing your bill. As fer ye, Mr. Star, would ye like a job? Startin' now? [JCM: Please only fire him.] [Jjs: Offering a job for breaking a jar? Wow, maybe he isn't so bad after all.] Patrick: Boy, would I! [JCM: PLEASE ONLY FIRE HIM] Mr. Krabs: Just follow me into me office and I'll patch ye in. Patrick: Oh boy! Spongebob: We're gonna be working together now! [JCM: BE STILL MY BEATING HEART] Patrick: Yeah, we'll be work mates! Krabs leads Patrick into his office, the door slamming behind them. All that could be heard was a brief "OW" before the room fell into dead silence. Krabs once again waltzes out nonchalantly before breathing a sigh of relief. [JCM: AUGH YOU'VE FORCED MY HAND] [Jjs: Wow, two deaths in an episode instead of one. I suppose it's a start for innovativeness, as far as this spin-off goes.] Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is done. =) [JCM: Goodnight, everybody!] Spongebob: Where's Patrick? [DBZ Narrator: Find out next week on Dragon Ball Z!] Mr. Krabs: He turned down me offer. I tried implorin' him, but he said somethin' about protectin' his title of doin' absolutely nothin' longer than anyone else or some shit like that. [Jjs: To be fair, I'd like to keep my title for "doin' absolutely nothin' longer than anyone else or some shit like that" too.] Spongebob: Oh, that's kinda sad to hear. I thought we were going to be work mates. [Jjs: I thought this never-ending episode would've ended sentences ago, so we can't all get what we want.] Mr. Krabs: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants. Ye will get over it after earnin' me some money. Spongebob: Aye aye, sir. Krabs would later hoist another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual... [Jjs: And the Rusty Train rolled on. (Yes, this running gag will lead to something...eventually)] 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 ...Dear God, JUST END THIS ALREADY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 1 hour ago, jjsthekid said: "Bejabbers" At least there was a Dave the Barbarian reference. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) The Killer Krab 13. All My Friends Are Dead or Hinga Dinga Fanservice Spoiler Chapter XIII: All My Friends Are Dead or Hinga Dinga Fanservice [Fred: Well, which one should I do? I kinda wanna do "Hinga Dinga Fanservice". Don't know what that is exactly but it sounds like the new Deviantart fad.] [Hayden: Is it fanservice because the audience wanted Spongebob to notice this overwhelming stack of deaths 12 chapters ago or is OMJ's definition of fanservice upping the references by tenfold? As riffers, I'm not sure if we're classified as fans, so I can't be certain this will hinga dinga service us.] [OMJ: So in today's distasteful indulgence, SpongeBob shall finally come to the shocking realization that Mr. Krabs has been killing almost everybody that he's ever come into contact with, or we're finally just gonna get some somewhat unnecessary SpongeBobxLeif Ericcson action.] One day, Spongebob Squarepants, head fry cook of the Krusty Krab, [OMJ: Thank you, I almost never forgot.] awoke from bed donning a red beard and Viking helmet. Today was a special occasion for him because not only was it his only day off of the year, his day off just so happened to land on... [OMJ: HUMP DAY?] [Hayden: Visit The Krusty Krab Setting Even When You Don't Have A Shift Day?] [Fred: Happy Hopping Moron Day?] Spongebob: Happy Leif Ericcson Day! Hinga Dinga Durgen! [OMJ: Can't I at least reference Opposite Day? That way, this story may just be forced to churn out something good for once. Or awful. Opposite Day logic.] [Hayden: October 9th already? That can't be right. ] He took out a paddle and began paddling his bed like a canoe to his next door neighbor's, Squidward Tentacles, house. [Fred: Really? I thought his neighbor was Kanye West!] [Hayden: Enjoy the scratch marks on your floor, you logic defying asshole.] Spongebob noticed that Squidward has been awfully quiet for the last few weeks, what with his crappy clarinet playing not blaring much recently. [Hayden: Spongebob's opinion or the narrator's opinion?] [OMJ: Damn, didn't have to do the homie Squidward like that.] Spongebob knocks on the door to check on his disgruntled neighbor, who Mr. Krabs sent out to run some errands, as he worded it. Spongebob: Squidward! Are you finished with those errands? Are you finished with those errands? Are you finished with those errands? Are you finished with those errands? Are you finished with those errands? [Hayden: Why would he be at his house if he was running errands?] [Fred: Are you gonna keep repeating that annoying question? Are you gonna keep repeating that annoying question? Are you gonna keep repeating that annoying question? Are you gonna keep repeating that annoying question? Are you gonna keep repeating that annoying question? Are you gonna keep repeating that annoying question?] [OMJ: ] Spongebob would repeat that same question over and over again for the next half hour before finally getting a hint of something. [OMJ: Oooh! Is this when he finally clues in that something horrible may have happened to Squidward?!] [Hayden: Wouldn't this Spongebob have broken into his house by now?] Spongebob: Hmmm, I guess he isn't finished with those errands yet. [OMJ: FUCK!] [Hayden: ] He prances over to Patrick's rock with glee. He hadn't seen his best buddy for the last couple of days since his training at the Krusty Krab. Spongebob: Patrick, you home? It's LEIF ERICCSON DAY! There was no response. [OMJ: Even Patrick knows you just made that shit up.] Spongebob: I know you didn't want the job at the Krusty Krab because you wanted to defend that title of your's, but you cant just sit around doing nothing ALL day. [Hayden: ] [Patrick: But I have to! The Magic Conch Shell said so!] [OMJ: Then he can kiss that title goodbye at the rate of this spin-off is going anywhere.] You need to come outside, a magical place with magical charms! Outdoors. Outdoors! OUUUUUU-UUUUT DOOOOOOOORS! [Fred: That sponge has the most annoying voice in the universe. ] [OMJ: But there are gorillas underwater out there!] [Hayden: Now he's trying to persuade Patrick with Lucky Charms?] That slight musical number would be in vain as Patrick's rock remained silent. [OMJ: And already, Patrick's rock has shown the most character development.] [Hayden: Stay strong Patrick's rock, it'll all be over soon.] Spongebob: Maybe he went out to get more giant toilet paper. [Fred: Okay, I'm not one to question things in this episode, but what the hell would he need giant toilet paper for? Is Patrick wumbo-sized now?] [OMJ: P.S. Get both the best in town and around.] Seemingly abandoned and lonesome, Spongebob went about celebrating Leif Ericcson Day on his own, until an idea sprang from his noodle. [OMJ: Something original, I hope.] Spongebob: I can just make new friends! [OMJ: Well, there went that glimmer of hope.] And instead of doing what any normal person would do and simply meet new, [OMJ: Fuck it, this spinoff is already half assed as it is, why not make it three-fourths assed.] Spongebob went about literally making some new friends. He took a stary barnacle chip out of the bag and named it "Chip" who was rather trustworthy and compassionate. [OMJ: And has a staring problem, apparently. ] [Hayden: Those are great qualities in a chip.] He would move on to something tougher and found "Penny", who had an amazing singing voice. Spongebob, becoming increasingly desperate for companionship, took a dirty old napkin out of the trash and christened it "Used Napkin". [OMJ: All of that being instantly made that much more uncreative now that they're being implemented in this spinoff.] [Hayden: Mr. Krabs is just going to kill all these "characters" too.] Spongebob: I know! [OMJ: SpongeBob gets me.] [Fred: Oh gee, is it gonna be, I don't know, Bubble Buddy?] And he whipped out his bubble wand, inhaled and blew at it with all the might his lungs could possibly exert. The bubble began take shape and formed into a life-size organism. [OMJ: Not even gonna reference "the technique" and somehow sexualize that while you're still hot? We're not even gonna be treated to the combined presence of Sticky Buddy, Rock Buddy (who'll legit officially be the character with the most growth here if that were to have happened) or Sink Buddy?] Spongebob: Bubble Buddy! [Fred: Totally did not see that coming from a mile away.] Spongebob immediately brought him into his room to break his new friend in. [Hayden: That didn't sound creepy at all!] Spongebob: This...is...GRRRREAT! [OMJ: Well, I sexualized that, so that's somethin! Also, Tony the Tiger would like to see you in his office now.] [Hayden: ] After that, he freshened up and took Bubble Buddy [OMJ: Or Cum Buddy at this point.] to celebrate Leif Ericcson over some lunch at the Krusty Krab, [OMJ: Everyone knows Leif Ericson discovered fast food.] [Hayden: Fucking called him going to the Krusty Krab even in a chapter where he has all of Bikini Bottom to explore.] owned and operated by sole proprietor, Mr. Krabs. [OMJ: And that fun fact gets instantly overshadowed and overtaken by this hovering mass of repetition.] Mr. Krabs: Spongebob! Where in Neptune's name have ye been?! Ye be burnin' daylight and the lunch rush is coming in! [Hayden: I'm surprised you didn't go to his house to kill him for it.] Spongebob: But sir, it's my only day off the year. Mr. Krabs: Aye? We're gonna have to mend that over in yer new contract then. [OMJ: What a dolphin noise.] [Hayden: Will the new contract at least have employee benefits like not getting murdered?] Spongebob: And today just so happens to be Leif Ericcson Day! Hinga Ding- Mr. Krabs: Ye here to celebrate leaves or eat, ya barnacle head?! Time is money. [OMJ: I think a more beneficial money-related saying would be "money doesn't grow on trees".] Spongebob: Oh, I'm not hungry, Mr. Krabs- Mr. Krabs: Then kindly fu- [OMJ: funnel your way out of me restaurant, is what he would've said.] [Hayden: Furnish his house for free since he's so good at moving things like beds with paddles.] Spongebob: But my friend, Bubble Buddy here could go for some grub! [OMJ: I believe you'll better serve yourself finding such amenities at the Grubby Krab.] [Fred: The Grubby Krab! Where you can ride gnarly pounders for half-price!] Mr. Krab: Who the barnacle are ye talkin' bout, lad? [OMJ: Oh, it's just your next victim for today since Leif Ericson is already dead, which breaks the already broken logic of this spinoff even more since you've already killed a ghost.] Spongebob: My apologies, sir. Mr. Krabs, Bubble Buddy! Bubble Buddy, Mr. Krabs, the best boss a guy could ask for. [Fred: Donald Trump says hi.] [OMJ: If you've got that SpongeBob fan site you want gone, he's your man to make it happen!] Krabs couldn't help but laugh a little inside knowing how low Spongebob has gotten in terms of a social life, [OMJ: Jeez, fuck a dolphin noise, he's being an absolute jalopy horn right now.] [Hayden: At least he still has his Gare Bear, you monster.] but the least he could do was entertain the idea of this all. [OMJ: In the most unoriginal way he knows how with already unoriginal ideas.] [Hayden: But the fate of the Krusty Krab doesn't depending on him entertaining it.] Mr. Krabs: Well, he sure looks like a million bucks! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! [OMJ: ] [Fred: What? I've outrun all of my Rusty shill jokes for this series.] [Hayden: His name isn't Money Buddy.] Spongebob: Dahahahahaha! That he does, sir, that he does! Mr. Krabs: What can I git for Mr. "Bubble Buddy"? Spongebob: What was that Bubbly? You what? You sure area hungry little thing, aren't you? [OMJ: Dear Neptune below, hungry squared plus little squared equals thing squared. Brilliant, Bubbly!] [Hayden: He would like a bubbly glass of wine.] [Fred: Come to The Grubby Krab! Located at Hungry Little Thing Area!] Mr. Krabs: What, he wants a bar of soap and a bottle of Head & Shoulders? [Head & Shoulders Executive: Are you Head & Shouldering yet? ] [Fred: BUY YOUR HEAD AND SHOULDERS MERCHANDISE HERE] [Hayden: What about Knees and Toes?] Spongebob: He'd like to have one of everything, please! [Mr. Krabs: Then we'll give him a smorgasbord! Oh wait, wrong episode.] Krabs began perspire profusely at the sound of that order. [Hayden: So more of the usual.] Mr. Krabs: O-o-o-o-one of EVERYTHING? Krabs ran off to the nearest tattoo parlor and got Bubble Buddy's name tatted on his poop deck. [OMJ: aka a tramp stamp.] [Hayden: But tattoos are expensive.] Mr. Krabs: I LOVE BUBBLE BUDDY! [Fred: I'd ship it.] [OMJ: Just wait until your money hears about this!] Krabs quickly stepped to it and managed to bring in one of everything almost immediately, showing how half-ass the food was probably prepared. Fast food, amirite, guys? [Fred: Are you implying that all fast food is half-assed?] [Hayden: How disrespectful, they should increase the minimum wage to atone for that insult.] [OMJ: *showing how half-assed this story was probably written. OMJ's writing, amirite, guys?] Mr. Krabs: Here ye go, lads! One of everything for Bubble Buddy! Spongebob and Bubble Buddy just stood there staring at the food in front of them. [OMJ: And I thought Chip was the one with the problem.] Mr. Krabs: Whatsa matter? Spongebob: These patties all have cheese. Bubble Buddy can't have cheese. [Fred: Please tell me he likes mozzarella cheese cuz that's the only cheese that matters.] [Hayden: Bubble Buddy is lactose intolerant. Help bubbles like him find a cure.] Mr. Krabs: Tell someone who cares. [OMJ: Like your wallet?] Spongebob: But sir, like you always say, "the money is always right! Ar Ar Ar!" [OMJ: Umm, I'm pretty sure there's two more "Ars" there.] Krabs found himself trapped by his own words. [OMJ: Good, can he call himself into his office and go kill himself now.] [Hayden: ] Mr. Krabs: Arrrrrr, yer right- I mean, the money is right! I'll fix these up right away, Bubble Buddy. And as quickly as he left, Krabs came back out with a cheese-free batch of just about everything. [OMJ: Including the drinks and boots.] [Hayden: I happen to like Cheese Kelp Fries myself.] Mr. Krabs: Here ye go! Spongebob: Sir. Mr. Krabs: What is it, boy? Spongebob: Bubble Buddy doesn't like the crusts. [Fred: Well, if Bubble Buddy hates everything then get the fuck out of that restaurant. Fast food, amirite?] [Hayden: So Bubble Buddy doesn't eat PBJ's like a man?] Mr. Krabs: But it's buns! Buns ain't got no crusts! [OMJ: As far as 2012 me was aware. and I guess me right now] [Hayden: I bet Mr. Krabs' buns are awfully crusty.] Spongebob: But sir, think about the money. Mr. Krabs: Arrrrrrrrr... Krabs then labored (ha) [OMJ: Ahh, bugger off you confused, misinformed twat.] [Fred: Labor is funny.] [Hayden: Get it, cause pregnancy.] over having to cut these supposed crusts off the patties in order to justify the money that will soon find refuge in his cash register. Mr. Krabs: Here ye go. No cheese. No crusts. Just how ye like it, right? Spongebob: Weeeell... Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is all the habub now? [Fred: You're watching The Killer Krab! Only on The Hub!] And after some excruciating amount of time making sure the mustard was to the right, the onions were placed after the pickles, making the patties cry, [OMJ: CONTINUITY!] [Mr. Krabs: Hey, pickles, guess what? You are stupid! You are stupid! And don't forget, you are stupid!] [Hayden: Bubble Buddy was Bubble Bass in disguise the whole time!] massaging Bubble Buddy with his big meaty claws [Fred: Damn, that's hot.] [Hayden: Without popping him somehow.] and stylizing the order in a hybrid version of the Animal and Carnival styles, Krab's efforts finally paid off. Spongebob: Mmmmm Mmmmm mmmm! [Fred: ] That was all so good! Money's on the table, Mr. Krabs! [OMJ: What? Almost comes off like they just stared at it again before leaving, satisfied that it was prepared just the way he wanted it without even eating it.] [Hayden: But I thought Spongebob wasn't having anything.] Mr. Krabs: Have a good one Bubble Buddy! Ya yella bellied polliwog. [Fred: ] Krabs went to collect his payment but was dumbfounded to see that it was only, only...bubble money. Why even the tip popped away from existence. [OMJ: The nerve of that benpaz and his bubble money.] [Hayden: Money that fades from existence doesn't sound practical.] This angered Eugene H. Krabs. No one, and I mean NO ONE short changes him and blatantly rips him off after such hard labor. [OMJ: Yeah, not unless HE'S the one ripping people off here!] [Hayden: Bubble Buddy's the victim, you never brought him that Head and Shoulders.] He had to think of something and think of it quick. [OMJ: Sounds like the planning process going into each episode.] Mr. Krabs: Grrrrr, SPONGEBOB GIT BACK HERE! [Hayden: When in doubt, respond with your normal habits.] Spongebob and Bubble Buddy were just about to head out the door but had no choice but to head back to check on his boss. [OMJ: They weren't even out the door yet. That tells you how much planning went into this.] [Hayden: These slow walkers will soon be the walking dead.] Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: Did I tell ye just how much I love Bubble Buddy? Why, I even had his name tattooed on me poop deck to show fer it. [Fred: You got a tattoo on your butt? Ouch, that's pretty stupid.] [Hayden: That's the last place I'd want someone to tattoo my name.] I'd like to immortalized Bubble Buddy here as one of me mist valued customers by bein' me first honorary customer of the month! [OMJ: I would have gone with MVP, Mist Valuable Patron.] [Hayden: *immortalize.] Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, that just sounds great! I can't believe it. This is the best Leif Ericcson Day ever! [OMJ: It's a SpongeBob Leif Ericson Day!] Mr. Krabs: Send em into me office for his honorary photo...shoot. Ar Ar Ar Ar! [OMJ: What? He's actually got a gun now?] [Hayden: You know he's lost it when he wants inanimate objects sent in his office.] And with that, Krabs retreated back into his office, lying in wait. [Hayden: Such valuable prey.] Spongebob: Can you believe this, Bubble Buddy? This is great! What an awesome way to commemorate our newfound buddyship. You best not keep Mr. K waiting. Spongebob escorted Bubble Buddy into Krab's office, shutting as Bubble Buddy floated on inside. Spongebob took a seat at a table in order to wait things out. A brief struggle could be heard then a loud "WOAH!" [Bubble Buddy: Don't I get a say in this?] [Hayden: Karma's come-a calling.] [OMJ: Sound bite provided by Slippery Soap from Slippery Smooth in a special guest cameo.] before the sound of a pop pierced the air, startling the little square dude a bit. [OMJ: Oh wow, he actually heard something this time. And he remembered to get dressed today!] [Hayden: Bubbles don't even make loud pops when you poke them. I guess the agony of everyone else was when his supersonic hearing was turned off.] The office then fell into dead silence. Krabs then nonchalantly made his way outside, breathing out a sigh of relief. Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaaah, the deed is done. [Hayden: Well that's one thing to be proud of?] Spongebob: How did it go, sir? [OMJ: How'd you think it went? You actually heard it this time.] [Hayden: The pop was actually just the sound of a camera click.] Mr. Krabs: Things got a little weird in there but I got the perfect shot. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! [OMJ: Krabs got a gun, dum dum dum. Krabs what have you done, dum dum dum.] [Hayden: "A little weird in there". Did he thrust his pelvis into Bubble Buddy or did Bubble Buddy just off himself when Krabs displayed the tattoo?] Spongebob: Dahahahahaha! Who's Bubble Buddy? [Hayden: Ah, very smart Spongebob. Pretend to be so stupid you don't even remember Bubble Buddy. Krabs will never think you're on his trail.] [Fred: Now SpongeBob has amnesia? Plot twist! ......I don't know. Fudgicle.] [OMJ: What the fuck? So was this all apart of the plan this whole time?! Is this the twist we've been waiting for?! Has Lochnivar finally dropped?! Or did I just forget to proofread again? Yeah, probs that.] Mr. Krabs: Oh, he had to go...catch a bubble cab, y'know! [OMJ: ] [Fred: Wait, did SpongeBob mean "Where is Bubble Buddy?" Grammar fail.] [Hayden: Never mind, he's seriously just doing his routine.] Spongebob: He did? Did he say where he was going? [Fred: To the great ol' town of Loserville.] [Hayden: YOU WERE STANDING RIGHT THERE IN THE RESTAURANT, YOU CAN HEAR IF HIS OFFICE DOOR OPENS. AT LEAST HAVE KRABS CALL HIS VICTIMS OUT TO THE DUMPSTER WHILE SPONGEBOB STAYS INSIDE. THEN MAYBE SPONGEBOB COULD BUY THAT THEY FUCKING LEFT WITHOUT GIVING ME A MIGRAINE.] Mr. Krabs: Ya know, the place where all the veins meet, yeah. [OMJ: So Bubbly just went down the only road he's ever been down?] Spongebob: But I didn't get a chance to wish him happy trails. [Hayden: Maybe in his next life.] Mr. Krabs: But ye have something to remember em by. Krabs hands Spongebob the picture he took. [OMJ: ...So has he been taking pictures of all his victims like this? Does he just nonchalantly hand them out to the victims' loved ones too? Fuck a jalopy horn, he's a real seal noise.] [Hayden: There was an actual photo shoot then? He had camera equipment? What in the barnacles....] [Fred: Okay, okay, okay, plot hole time. Haven't we learned from Atlantis Squarepantis that bubbles pop whenever you take photos with them? Wouldn't he already pop after he took the photo?] Mr. Krabs: That way, he'll always be there with ye. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! Spongebob: Yeah, well, I best be off, Mr. Krabs. I guess I'll see ya tomorrow. Mr. Krabs: Later, me boy! And I really do need to get together and rework your contract. [OMJ: Fuck a seal noise, he's a real, bonafide ship bell.] [Hayden: He can work all 365 days without a social life.] Spongebob: Aye aye, sir. [Fred: Well, that was a pretty bad episode. I'll see you all when my next episode comes!] And with that, Spongebob made the trip back home all alone. Conch Street was unnervingly dark as Patrick's rock and even Squidward's house were both pitch black. [OMJ: Wait, what? The episode isn't done yet...?] [Fred: ......I withdraw my statement.] [Hayden: This isn't the regular business at all! Dare I say it's actually haunting?] He made it to his front door and made his way inside, greeted by his pet snail, Gary. Gary: Meow. [OMJ: AND THE GCA GOES TO] [Hayden: GARY, I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU. THANK GOODNESS SOME LIGHT STILL SHINES.] Spongebob: Hey there, Gare Bear. Gary: Meow. [Hayden: ] Spongebob: No, Bubble Buddy won't be joining us. He had to go somewhere. Gary: Meow. [Hayden: ] Spongebob: No, Patrick and Squidward aren't home. Gary: Meow. Spongebob: And Sandy? Wait, SANDY! I never checked up on her yet. This might be salvaged yet! [OMJ: Oh, there still is hope for something substantial happening! Oh happy day!] [Hayden: I'm getting SpongeBoy flashbacks with Gary asking all the hard questions.] Remind me to give you Snail-Po when I get back. Chip, take care of Gary while I'm gone! [OMJ: Go to her, lad! Salvage what's left of this spinoff, me boyo!] [Hayden: Chip is not a good bodyguard. Don't lose your last living companion!] Gary: Meoooow. [Hayden: ] Spongebob made his way to Sandy's as fast as he could. He had his gear with him and by that, I mean his karate gear. [OMJ: And here, I was thinking leather, laces, leashes and the like.] [Fred: Hahahahaha, I get the innuendo! Actually, no I don't.] He got to the Treedome at around 8 p.m. and stealth fully made his way inside through the front door. [OMJ: Like how he makes his way into the puhhh haha! I'll stop. But I see that space between "stealth" and "fully", you ain't that slick SpongeBob.] [Hayden: Oh so he'll break into this one.] He put on his water helmet and broke and entered his way into Sandy's inner tree sanctum. The place seemed abandoned and somewhat messy as Spongebob made his deeper inside. [OMJ: It could be worse. I mean, it could've been left unnecessary and somewhat spammy.] The floors were littered with papers with odd numbers and statistic on them [OMJ: Well, this would be the worse for Squidward, it seems. Those papers have 3's, 5's and 7's on them!] [Hayden: Only one statistic.] and various blood tests adorn the wall saying that it all tests positive as Squidward's blood. Spongebob: What the heck is Sandy doing? [OMJ: It's all right, blood tests just makes her wet.] [Hayden: Especially Squidward's blood.] Sandy?! You home?! Spongebob came across Sandy's desk and found more of the same tests [OMJ: Jeez, how many blood tests does it take to get the to the tootsie roll center of Krabs is a bloodthirsty psychopath? What more proof do you need, actually?!] [Hayden: Maybe Sandy's printer was jammed and shot out too many copies.] but something caught his eye on Sandy's computer screen. He expanded upon a window that was Sandy's personal blog, where sue kept her notes on her studies and her innermost thoughts. [OMJ: Who is this Sue person?! *slaps Sandy* What is she wearing?!] Sue: Khakis. [Hayden: Squirrel With a Blog.] Spongebob began reading through the pages. [Hayden: Reading a girl's diary of sorts?] Sandy: I have conducted tests on the peculiar stain that was on my Krusty Krew hat. May take a while to fully calibrate it as being the exact blood of someone in particular, [OMJ: ya know, as far as nutty squirrel science can take her.] but I have to get to the bottom of this. It's unnerving me and it doesn't help that Squidward's been missing for weeks and Old Man Krabs was pretty dismissive of the subject. [OMJ: What is this? The only competent person in this show?] Spongebob scrolled down some more, his eyes widening at what he's reading. [Hayden: Is something running on his wheel? ] Sandy: Its been real fun working with the little square dude at the Krusty Krab, but I can't help but feel a neverending feeling of just absolute dread whenever I step foot in the premises. It reeks of something fierce here like roadkill waiting out in the hot Texan sun [OMJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah! The road kill! Just get to the point, Sandy!] ...and it ain't the food here, that's for sure. [OMJ: Ah, this must've been before or after they disposed the dirty meat.] Spongebob continued looking on intently. SpongeBob: Hey, nice place she's got here. Sandy: Krabs was getting awful hostile at me and Spongebob today, always blathering on about how ti e is money and whatnot. [Fred: Tie is money? That's good, because I have a ton of ties. I might be a millionaire!] [Hayden: Whatnot to do.] [OMJ: Come on Sandy, you're proof reading game is on my level.] That seems to be the only thing he cares. Why, if he had the chance to sell his daughter into slavery in some foreign sea somewhere I have no doubt in my mind that he would jump at it the first second he gets. [OMJ: Now I know I've said Krabs is a lot of things during this chapter, but certainly a seagull noise isn't one of them. Certainly.] [Hayden: Krabs should've thought of that before his first Pearl solution. Maybe he's not the moneymaking genius we thought he was.] I'm awfully worried, not just for me, but for Spongebob. He just takes Krab's abuse like it's nothing and he Squidward's disappearance doesn't even seem to phase him. Heck, he doesn't even seem to catch on to Krab's dirty, sweaty laundry. [Fred: Kick him when he's up, kick him when he's down.] [Hayden: I'm coining it as Krabuse.] [OMJ: I'm sure he catches onto those every two weeks he gets billed.] I'd hate to see anything bad happen to Spongebob, he doesn't deserve the abuse and he doesn't deserve whatever else Krabs may have in store for him. He deserves better. [OMJ: Like her nuts in his holes haha! I won't stop.] [Hayden: It's a Sandy/Spongebob/Krabs love triangle.] Which is probably why I'm so determined to get to the bottom of this. [OMJ: Whatever keeps you warm at night.] [Hayden: And you know, justice for Squidward.] Spongebob's eyes begins to water as he reaches the bottom of the page. [Hayden: His first legitimately necessary swell of tears.] Sandy: The tests all came in positive...I'm so sorry, Squidward. You were kinda a snake in the grass but you were still a pretty decent hombre. [OMJ: Heard that, Trump? There actually are some pretty decent hombres out there!] [Fred: Squiduardo Tentaclones.] More decent than Krabs could ever be. [OMJ: That's the new Secretary of Defense you're talking about, young lady! Y'all don't come back now, ya here!] I'm sure we weren't his only one, neither. [OMJ: Ah, this must've been written after she died. I mean, ghosts do exist in this universe, after all.] What with the other disappearances being reported and whatnot. I know what I gotta do, but the truth is, I'm scared. I'm about to confront a potentially homicidal maniac. I could after some dangum bull worm but this sweaty old crustacean has me fearing for my well-being. I would ask Spongebob for some help, but I can't muster up the strength to do so. It might be too much for him to handle, considering how much he idolizes Krabs. But when it comes down to it, Spongebob is always there whenever his friends need help like when he helped me with the worm without me even giving him the time of day. He just helped anyway. [OMJ: She almost sorta has a point, he was indeed there all the other times he's been within earshot of most of his friends' deaths.] [Hayden: If only Sandy had gone to whatever was left of the police. Or shown her proof to literally anyone besides SpongeBob. Krabs can't invite an entire angry mob into his office.] I hope that Spongebob will be there for me when I may need him most. [OMJ: Why, indeed he was!] [Hayden: He was an excellent support system in your final moments.] There may be a chance that I won't be coming home aft this one. I wish I can end this on a more somber note, [OMJ: Well shit, I don't think you could get more dark, gloomy and fan service-y than that.] but no, not like this. I know Spongebob will be there for me as he always has and I'll tell him exactly how I feel once this is all over. [OMJ: Well then, I guess you can.] [Hayden: ] Spongebob's heart just dropped after reading that. He switched the computer off and jumped from his seat as Sandy's room went dark. [OMJ: Well geez, what'd he expect after turning off the only light source.] He felt the walls closing in on him. He couldn't be in there any longer. He had to get out. He did just that, darting through the halls and down the stairs of the Treehouse. He burst though the door, tripping himself over on the grassy, unkempt lawn [OMJ: The grassy grass that is...grassy.] [Hayden: Good thing there weren't any snakes like Squidward in it.] that he never really noticed until now. [OMJ: Mr. Krabs must've just borrowed her lawnmower after killing her.] His helmet broke from the force of the fall He took a glance back at Sandy's house. He started to lose breath and quickly made his way out of the Treedome. [OMJ: What a living nutmare.] He paced back home to Conch Street. Spongebob: Walking. I better just keep walking. [OMJ: Referencing. I better just keep referencing.] [Hayden: Now's the time for an insensitive reference to ruin the mood! Almost forgot what fic I was reading.] He swore he saw Patrick's rock open up amidst the darkness but didn't bother to glance back. Spongebob: Running, better start running. Running. [OMJ: Reaching, better start reaching. Reaching.] Squidward's house loomed over him, as if staring a hole into his very soul with it's pitch black window eyes. Spongebob: Sprinting! I just gotta keep sprinting! [OMJ: Ripping! I just gotta keep ripping off!] And through all that, he slammed face first into his front door. Spongebob: Sitting. Sitting...bleeding. [OMJ: Sitting. Sitting...bleeding SpongeBob references dry.] ???: Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! [OMJ: Is that you, Red Baron?! I never did like your pizza!] [Hayden: Who do we know that says that on a daily basis?] Spongebob managed to shake the scallops off and began to open the door but it wouldn't budge open. He immediately began pounding on it but a sharp pain overwhelmed his hand. Spongebob: My hand! MY HAND! It's cramping, Mrs. Puff! Make it stooooooop! [OMJ: I know what I want to have stop. ] [Fred: Mrs. Puff isn't even there, THIS REFERENCE MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL AAAAAAARGH] [Hayden: Now he's crying out to the paranormal for guidance. Is this how our traumatized sponge will deal with the wake-up call?] And the door behind him budged open, startling Spongebob but he was soon pleased to see that it was only Gary and Chip. [OMJ: I smell a spinoff of a spinoff! If they survive long enough.] Gary: Meow. Spongebob: Gary the snail, MOVE OUT THE WAY AND CHIP LOCK THE DOOR! [OMJ: And there went any and all sympathy that was supposed to have been built there.] [Hayden: Gary could just lock the door, or you. Goddamnit, why can't this dialogue take matters seriously?] Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krabs. [OMJ: Ah, this must've taken place after the first movie.] Krabs was finishing up cleaning some soapy residue off the floor of his office and tossed his cleaning supplies into the freezer. [Hayden: Why would cleaning supplies go in the freezer? Also, real crucial to dispose of.] Mr. Krabs: Darn bubbles, they ain't nothin' but trouble! [Hayden: IT IS YOU THAT ARE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE, OLD MAN.] And business went on as usual... [OMJ: He's getting desperate to hide any evidence and reaching for anymore lines to rip. This can only mean one thing, the penultimate chapter is upon us! Weel, within official canon, at least.] [Fred: Well, that was pretty mindfuckery. I will still miss Bubble Buddy. He deserved better than to be in this spin-off.] [Hayden: What an awkward place to drop unnerving world shattering development. I give Gary full credit for doing his best to fix this mess. Will an enlightened Spongebob be a slightly more tolerable protagonist? I hinga dinga doubt it.] Edited December 12, 2018 by MLG Vanilluxe 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Wanna know what the sad part is? These last few episodes are the plot-crucial ones. Reminds me of how only seven episodes of The Prisoner are canon. The rest are just murder-of-the-week filler. The even sadder part? This is still ripping off SpongeBob episodes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 (edited) The Killer Krab 14. Confessions of a Killer Krab or For Reference Only Spoiler Chapter XIV: Confessions of a Killer Krab or For Reference Only [JCM: Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb] [Steel: As far as I could remember, this was the original setup episode for the series finale, which is the following episode. There is still more I have to riff, but could this be the one? Could this be the most redeeming thing about the spin-off?] [Hayden: "For Reference Only" is why Killer Krab exists. Could've named the whole series that.] Spongebob laid wide awake in bed. The time on his alarm clock was 3:33 a.m. He couldn't get Sandy's written words out of his head. He couldn't get his friends out of his head. He couldn't get Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, out of his head. [Steel: Well, I can't get these sentences out of my head.] [Hayden: So Spongebob is plagued by that sole proprietor fishpaste just like us.] "Could my boss possibly be capable of such terrible atrocities," Spongebob asked himself. He didn't want to think about it too hard. Spongebob just wanted to go back to how things used to be: endless days of Jellyfishing with Patrick, [Steel: With a capital J?] [Hayden: "He didn't want to think about it too hard". He shouldn't HAVE to think about it too hard.] [JCM: Jellyfishing with Patrick is a spin-off of Astrology with Squidward.] bringing joy to the life of Squidward, [Hayden: If only Squidward were alive to riff that for me.] getting in on some action with with Sandy and doing what he does best, flipping that meat down at the Krusty Krab for good ole Mr. Krabs. [Steel: I don't think I want to know about SpongeBob "flipping that meat."] [Hayden: "getting in on some action with Sandy". I know that was intentional.] With no one else to turn to, Spongebob decided to consult the closest friends he has left. Spongebob: Chip, I'm confused. [Hayden: Don't forget to consult ice cream. ] Used Napkin: ... [Steel: Truer words have never been spoken.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Tonight has been hands-down one of the worse nights in the history of history, I'd appreciate it if you were less snarky for once, Used Napkin! Your deadpan sense of humor is killing the mood more than it already is. [Hayden: Well now I wish I had a Used Napkin translator to see just how much more the mood was killed than it already is.] Penny: ... [Steel: That penny has the most beautiful voice.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: No, I don't want you to sing a song of Patrick, Penny, but I appreciate the thought. [Hayden: He shouldn't get a penny for that thought unless it's a plan to kill Krabs.] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: It's just, Sandy is a smart squirrel despite all the flack she gets with those squirrel jokes and she would never fabricate something as dead serious as this is. Sandy is above murder mysteries. [Hayden: I'll have you know murder mysteries are a perfectly respectable genre. You were also the one to make squirrel jokes, Mr. I'm Debating Sandy's credibility.] Chip: ... [Steel: Okay, what's even the point in putting in dialogue for these characters if we already know that they're not able to speak? It's like when you make a spin-off of Pokemon and you make a conservation between a Trainer and his/her Pokemon, even though the Pokemon could only say its own name! What's wrong with letting the spin-off acknowledge to us the lack of interaction between these objects, like: SpongeBob's only and non-sentient companions still stood silently as normal.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Well I can't just call the cops on the guy, I have no solid evidence. I also don't want to believe Mr. Krabs would be capable of doing such...things... [Steel: I shouldn't be using real life logic to argue with this spin-off's little common sense (the cops would've been killed by Krabs otherwise), but I don't think that should dignify as a reason not to try and put Krabs' cover down.] [Hayden: Not like you have a bunch of missing bodies to report and the findings of Sandy to show them.....] Used Napkin: ... [Steel: Stop.] [Hayden: Now that's what I call unselective mutism.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: I do know that he's the most greediest and vain man in Bikini Bottom. Used Napkin: ... [Steel: STOP.] [Hayden: You know that and you still worship the guy? I'm speechless too.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Yes, he is also the sweaty guy I work for, thank you. Used Napkin: ... [Steel: ] [Hayden: *torches napkin*] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: I do know that he was willing to sell my soul for 62 cents, thank you for bringing that up. Used Napkin: No, that does not rest your case! [Steel: If you're going to actually make this napkin speak, you could've decided on that a few sentences ago.] [Hayden: ] Penny: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: He took Suidward and I out to that stinking lagoon out of the bottom of his heart. [Steel: Who tf is Suidward?] Penny: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Well, I wouldn't necessarily say that he willfully put our lives in danger all for one measely dollar. [Hayden: The dollar had measles on it? Even worse!] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Yes, I do remember that one time where he almost single-handedly drove the jellyfish into extinction, but in his defense, it was a good sandwich. [Steel: Well, now the spin-off has gone from taking quotes from the show to taking plot points from various different episodes of the show just to remind us how much of a SpongeBob spin-off this is.] [Hayden: Spongebob never defended him in that episode, so he shouldn't be trying to counter that incident here.] Used Napkin: ... [Steel: Oh my god, THIS IS STILL GOING!] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: How was that technically MY fault? [Hayden: The logic of three dotted lines works in mysterious ways.] Penny: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: I only brought it for lunch that day! How was I supposed to know old man Krabs would go Hitler on those innocent jellyfish? [Steel: But didn't you go Gestapo on those jellyfish?] [Hayden: I hear Jew Jelly tastes exquisite.] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: No, your points won't be taken! Mr. Krabs is innocent, end of discussion! [Steel: *really long sigh*] [Hayden: Some of them seemed to be arguing he was innocent though?] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: So what if he took some pearl and caused a wild contained animal to become a threat to Bikini Bottom? He thought it was free day! [Steel: Well, I didn't know that some Pearls lived in Bikini Bottom.] [Hayden: You thought the opposite, criminal. ] Gary: Meow. [JCM: You ruined it.] [Hayden: Silence combo breaker.] Spongebob: Gary the snail, stay out of this! I'm going to prove to all of you that Mr. Krabs is innocent, I tell you! Innocent! [Hayden: Yeah Gary! Don't talk over everyone else!] Spongebob hopped out of bed and went into his study to construct a device that could be of some use to prove his boss' innocence. [JCM: SpongeBob is apparently an engineer now.] [Hayden: Maybe he can study a book on denial.] [Steel: And this unspecified device would go on and continue to be manufactured in the SBC parallel universe.] He slaved over tirelessly for the rest of the night all the way until the crack of dawn. His efforts were not in vain. He quickly freshened himself up before taking a freshly-wrapped gift box into his arms and darting out the door, all ready for another work day. [Hayden: ] Spongebob: I'm ready! Innocence! I'm ready! Innocence! [Hayden: So he's ready to be just as innocently naive as any other day! But he can't hold onto his virginity forever.] He kept repeating that to himself all the way to the Krusty Krab, where Eugene H. Krabs was staying overnight, trying to clean up after his dirty business. [Hayden: His last kill was a bubble, what the hell was there to clean up?] Mr. Krabs: Well, it took all night, but I finally did it. I- [Hayden: Finished the deed? The deed is done?] Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Krabs quickly stuffed all his supplies into the freezer before rushing out with some toilet paper stuck on foot. [JCM: Whose foot? My foot? Your foot? God's foot?] [Steel: There's a bathroom in that freezer?] Mr. Krabs: Mother of pearl, boy! Ye almost gave me a heart attack! Now, what you be yammering on about now? Spongebob: In honor of Employee Brotherhood Day, I thought I would present you with this! [Steel: ....I came up with two different methods in making fun of the usage of SpongeBob quotes in this spin-off, but since we're still going through this stint, I'm going for a third one. For every other copied/pasted SpongeBob quote I'm going to see up to this point, I'm going to put in a link to a YouTube video of a clip from an episode of a show that's relatively new, but otherwise relevant: ] [Hayden: But they aren't brothers. It's a relationship with a boss not a co-worker, you can't make the reference without Squidward here. >_>] [JCM: There's about to be more strikes than a Braves game. See, it's funny because the Braves suck!] Mr. Krabs: Employee Brotherhood Day? Is this another one of them make em up holidays ye keep asking day offs fer? Cause I already gave ye yer yearly day off yesterday in honor of this "Leif Ericcson". [Steel: Because it's supposed to be spelled Leif Erikson.] [Hayden: No, last episode it said that Leif Erikson just happened to fall on his yearly day off. Nothing about it being the reason why it was off.] Spongebob: Oh, perish that thought, sir. I just wanted to get you something special in commemoration. Mr. Krabs: I don't know what to say, lad. [Mr. Krabs: You still have to pay me to work here because I'm ungrateful. Ar Ar Ar Ar!] [Hayden: Something like that, I imagine.] Krabs took the wrapped up gift and with his big meaty claws, dismantled it in a matter of two seconds, revealing a strange plush-like toy. Mr. Krabs: Er, I really don't know what to say. What the barnacle is it, boy? Spongebob: It's a Confess-a-Bear! [JCM: Didn't know Cha was writing this now.] [Hayden: He wanted a Build-a-Bear.] Mr. Krabs: A whatchamacallit?! [Steel: I like whatchamacallits too. I collect them.] [Hayden: Krabs shouldn't know what it is since bears don't live underwater, except for sea ones.] Spongebob: A Confess-a-Bear, sir! I made it special. You can tell it all your innermost secrets. [Hayden: Like the wife ye never had.] Mr. Krabs: Ye don't say? Spongebob: Oh, I don't say I say, sir. I hope you like it! [Hayden: ] Mr. Krabs: ...Get back to work, Mr. Squarepants. [JCM: It's Mr. SquarePants. You'd get banned from Encyclopedia SpongeBobia for writing that. (You'd also get banned for calling Encyclopedia SpongeBobia SpongeBob Wiki because children's shows are srs bsnss.)] [Hayden: ] Krabs proceeded to stroll into his office with the bear in hand. Spongebob rushed to his station in the kitchen and took a receiver out of his pants and placed it on the counter. He would also take a walkie-talkie out and began fiddling with it. Spongebob: Sponge to Chip. Sponge to Chip. The eagle has landed. Over. Chip: ... [Steel: What were the odds that Chip would say exactly that?] [Hayden: Good to know the walkie talkie works well enough to pick that up.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Roger that, Chip, Roger that. Now, I'm gonna prove to you all once and for all that Mr. Krabs is innocent, but if things get sketchy, please tell me you have the phone on standby. [Hayden: ] Chip: ... [Steel: If anything I could say, this potato chip does not have a phone.] [Hayden: The "...." reminds me of that blank sound a phone makes.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: If worse comes to worse here then please promise me one thing, Chip. Take care of Gary for me. [Hayden: Gary starves to death because Chip didn't have enough nutrients.] Spongebob places the walkie-talkie back into his pants. He truly wants to believe himself that Mr. Krabs has no blood on his claws, but some doubt looms over his mind. [Hayden: Krabs' claws are clean! ] Krabs has done some questionable things in the past, there is no denying that. Spongebob began flipping that meat all while listening in on his transceiver for anything fishy. [Steel: I'm pretty sure Confess-a-Bear may want to know about what SpongeBob does in the kitchen with no one to see.] Mr. Krabs: What a half ass gift. [JCM: He got you half an ass?] [Hayden: Don't mock Confess-a-Bear's ass like that!] So not co-ral, but I gotsta hand it to the lil yella guy, at least it's free. [Hayden: Yes, all gifts are free. Kind of the purpose. Though maybe it's your tradition to charge a fee for gift-giving.] Krabs places the Confess-a-Bear on his desk and began counting his money. Spongebob: Nothing out of the ordinary here, he's just counting money. [Steel: You don't say?] [Hayden: Maybe wait until he calls someone into his office.] Mr. Krabs: Beep beep boo boop beep bop. [Steel: Now what was the context of this? The spin-off didn't even acknowledge that Mr. Krabs just so happened to be listening to Electric Zoo.] [Hayden: Mr. Krabs was replaced by a murderous robot. That's the final twist. That's why he calls himself Iron Abs Krabs! ] [JCM: "Beep beep boo boop beep bop" is also the name of my radio show. You all should listen to it.] Spongebob: Hello, what is this? Slow down, sir, it's like you're speaking some other language. [Steel: Strike two.] [Hayden: You aren't talking to him though, you're supposed to be listening dumbass.] GASP! What if Mr. Krabs is...a robot?! *takes out Walkie Talkie* Sponge to Chip! Sponge to Chip! Do you read me?! [Steel: Oh, he reads you alright. Like a book with blank pages.] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Chip, if robots were real, you would tell me right? [Steel: Strike...oh wait, this is Chip he's talking to, not Gary. Carry on, then....] [Hayden: Why would Chip be the authority on this subject, even if he was sentient?] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Thanks, I needed to hear that. [Steel: I can't hear shrimp.] Used Napkin: ... [Steel: WHY is the spin-off still relying on this? What's the point of this if they can't speak in the first place!?] [Hayden: OMJ is measuring out the length of the chapter like he measures his dick.] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Of course mayonnaise isn't either! Who asked you, Used Napkin?! [Steel: Forced references, yay!] [Hayden: .....What was even the context of that? No one said anything about instruments.] Spongebob went back to his work as Mr. Krabs finishes up counting his first stack of money. Mr. Krabs: Ahhhh, I feel completely recharged! [Steel: Strike three.] Spongebob: Chip, he feels recharged! He feels recharged! [Hayden: So he's ready to orgasm?] Penny: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Penny? Where's Chip?! [Hayden: Fucking hell OMJ, you aren't doing "I Had An Accident" any fucking justice right now. This could've actually been a nicely placed reference to callback to traumatized Spongebob, but you've made it into tedious filler.] Penny: ... [Steel: Penny gave no answer, 'cuz SpongeBob's brain can't deter that pennies can't talk. There, I replaced your pointless dialogue with a meaningful sentence! It's so bad that it's driving me to compulsiveness!] [JCM: ...] Spongebob: No, I do not want to hear a song of Patrick! Thanks for the offer though, but have you forgotten what I've been trying to listen to besides yetserday's Top 40 songs?! [Steel: Oh honestly, I'd rather listen to today's Top 40 songs that continue reading this.] [Hayden: Stop mentioning Patrick's song like it matters right now. ] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Chip? Thank Neptune! I'm really starting to think Mr. Krabs may possibly, kinda be a ROBOT. Chip: ... [JCM: ...] [Hayden: FUCKING KILL HIM ALREADY KRABS. DO IT. DO IT NOW. WALK IN ON HIM RIGHT NOW AND GRIND HIM INTO SPONGE PATTIES.] Spongebob: A robot can't love, gotcha! Mr. Krabs: I just love me money and me money loves me, I love money more than me family! [Steel: With a great big hug and a kiss from you to them?] [Hayden: ] Spongebob: Haha. That's a relief. [Hayden: Pretty sure Krabs' line can be read as more evidence if you remembered that Pearl's missing....] Used Napkin: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Oh, shut up Used Napkin. [Steel: How rude.] Gary: Meow. Spongebob: Gary, don't encourage him! [Hayden: If I was Gary I'd ignore the shit out of that walkie talkie.] Chip: ... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: I do have this under control, so why don't you quit checking up on me! Spongebob jams the walkie talkie back into his pants in anger before resuming making Krabby Patties. [Hayden: ] Mr. Krabs: Mother of pearl! How could I have been so forgetful? I didn't polish up- Spongebob: The scene of the crime?! Mr. Krabs -me knick knacks! [Hayden: Knick knack paddy-whack, give the sponge a phone, this old Krabs has an ADHD-riddled dome.] [Steel: Curses, foiled again.] [JCM: *Cruses, foiled again.] Foiled once again, Spongebob went back to work. Mr. Krabs super sniffer began to kick in. Mr. Krabs: Could it be? Spongebob: What? Be what? [JCM: Bee Movie?] Mr. Krabs: A customer?! [Hayden: There's one you haven't killed?!] The doors of the Krusty Krab swung open as a familiar Krustomer came walking in. Fred: Rev up those fryers! [Steel: Strike four.] Krabs rushes out of his office to greet his first customer of the day and take his order. [JCM: And his life, probably.] Mr. Krabs: What can I do ye fer, kind sir? Fred: I'm hungry for one Krabby Patty! [Steel: Well isn't this turning into quite an ordinary SpongeBob episode...] Mr. Krabs: One Krabby Patty, Spongebob! Spongebob has flipped his patties one too many times while listening in on Mr. Krabs and unknowingly serves up a burnt, crispy patty. [JCM: Just like momma made 'em!] [Hayden: That's punishable by execution. Get to it Eugene.] Spongebob: One Krabby Patty, sir. Fred takes his coal black patty and takes a bite. He begins to break out into song in response. [Hayden: Fab Beats February has really ignited passion in the little guy. 9 discs too many of passion.] Fred: Hey all you people! Hey all you people! Hey all you people, won't you listen to MEEEEE?! I just had a sandwich, no ordinary sandwich! [Steel: Strike five.] [Hayden: Attention whore.] A sandwich that tasted awfully crappyyyy! [Steel: But I'll give you credit for the last-minute transformativeness.] [Hayden: We should break into song during our riffs.] [JCM: We've got Weird Al Yankovic in the house.] Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle? Fred: Hey man, you shouldn't try this sandwich cuz it ain't no ordinary sandwich! It's the nastiest sandwich in the seeeaaa! A shooba-dabba-deeba-dooba-dabba-Doo-da YEEEEEAAAH! [Steel: If it's so crappy, then why are you singing so gleefully? Or isn't he? I don't know, but it would make better sense if this was a completely different song.] [Hayden: Somebody takes their job as a critic with glee.] Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, are you playing Squidward's records again? Fred: Sir, this is the worst thing I've ever tasted, I will not come here everyday for the rest of my life! [Hayden: What a magnificently redundant thing to say!] Mr. Krabs: WHAAAAAAT?!??!!???! [JCM: ?!??!!???!?!??!!???!] [Hayden: THE KRUSTY KRAB'S FATE IS NOT SALVAGEABLE THIS TIME.] [Steel: I can use multiple interrobangs too!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?] Fred: Hey buddy, you okay? [Hayden: Well you just told him off in song, I didn't expect you to lend a shoulder of support.] Mr. Krabs: Sir, I implore you rethink this. [Steel: Like a sir, indeed.] Fred: The next time I step foot into this establishment will be the day that my wife grows a beard. [JCM: Good thing his wife is a professional Bearded Lady.] [Hayden: They just need to find some hair growth formula and break into Fred's house to apply it. Body count crisis averted.] Fred proceeds to storm off. Mr. Krabs: Grrrrr, Spongebob! Send that valued customer into me office. I'll make him rethink his ways and hurry, boy. The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake! Spongebob: ...Aye aye, sir. [Steel: Seems as though SpongeBob is getting bored of this spin-off.] [Hayden: But really, what could be said in his office that wasn't or couldn't have been said in that exchange before he stormed off?] [JCM: ...] Krabs waltzes back into his office as Spongebob approaches Fred. Spongebob: Excuse me, sir! My boss requests that you consult this matter with him in his office. [Hayden: You have enough information to not assist in this for once. Stop being a willing accessory, grab Fred, and go to the police together.] Fred: Well, rev up those fryers because I'm hungry for a can of whoop ass and some bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubblegum. [Steel: Don't change the subject.] [Hayden: Now OMJ's referencing iconic live action movie lines.] Spongebob: Well played, sir. Well played. [JCM: wtf just happened] Fred proceeds to enter Krab's office as the door slams shut behind him. Spongebob hurries back into the kitchen to listen in on his transceiver. All that Spongebob could hear during the struggle was few yelps, a loud "MY LEG!" and a SPLAT before the office could fall into dead silence another "My "leeeeg." sounded audible before another SPLAT was heard. Spongebob peered out through the kitchen window to see Krabs exit his office before breathing a sigh of relief. [Hayden: Why would you aim for the leg when intending to kill someone?] Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaaah! The deed is done. Spongebob, git out here! Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs? [Steel: Repetition makes me sad. =(] Mr. Krabs: I don't think you'll be receiving anymore complaints about yer food anytime soon. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! [Hayden: Well you forgot to kill all those people Fred sang the message to. Oh wait, Fred was the first and only customer so none of his song made sense unless he posted it to the internet.] Spongebob: Dahahahahah... [JCM: ...] [Hayden: There was no love in that "Dahahahahah".] Mr. Krabs: GIT BACK- [Steel: Get back to where you once belonged.] [Mr. Krabs: To burning patties so that I can blame the customer instead of you due to your infallible plot armor!] Spongebob: Back to work! I'm on it, Mr. K! Mr. Krabs retreats back into his office as Spongebob returns to his station. He contemplated informing Chip about the recent developments but something in Spongebob wanted to find this whole thing out for himself so he mustered up all the courage he had in his being before making his way inside Mr. Krab's office without warning. Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I need to have a word with you... [JCM: ...] [Mr. Krabs: Well say the one word and GIT OUT.] Krabs was in the middle of concealing something as he scurried to stuff the trash bag into his safe. Mr. Krabs: Spongebob? I didn't summon ye in here. Ye best have a good reason fer this, boy. Spongebob: Where's Fred? [Steel: No longer making thousands off of YouTube or Nickelodeon for that matter.] [Hayden: You usually ask that outside the office. Ask about the trash bag instead.] Mr. Krabs: He...was in a hurry so left through the back way. He's having a another shot at the spin-off world with "Break A Leg!" ye know? [Steel: Shameless self-promotion, yay!] [Hayden: By back way do you mean the safe?] [JCM: Remember to read the Silly Adventures of Patrick Star parody of The Killer Krab coming to bookstores near you!] Spongebob: That's good for him, Mr. Krabs, but I need to level with you here, sir, because something seems fishy here. Mr. Krabs: Fishy? What's fishy? We're fish down here, lad. [Steel: *canned laughter* That's our Eugene!] [Hayden: Technically neither you or Spongebob are fish. >_> ] Spongebob: It's just that, Squidward has yet to come back from those errands you sent him on, Patrick hasn't returned home since orientation, and Sandy hasn't come back from her all expense-paid trip to that hick place you sent her. My boating school teacher has been AWOL since you two decided to break up, why, even Plankton hasn't shown up to steal the secret formula in weeks since we got back at him! [JCM: Those comma splices gave me cancer.] [Hayden: Keep pressing the matter without police protection. Don't learn from Sandy's mistakes.] Mr. Krabs: Are ye trying to imply something here, Mr. Squarepants? Spongebob: I'm not implying anything, sir. I'm just curious as to how you have Squidward's records? [Hayden: Well of course he has a file on Squidward, silly.] Mr. Krabs: Well, I... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: And Sandy's hedge clippers? [Hayden: Those would be a good murdering tool.] Mr. Krabs: Oh, they're... [JCM: ...] [Steel: Yes, exactly why would Mr. Krabs need something like Squidward's records or Sandy's hedge clippers in this spin-off?] Spongebob: And Plankton's lawnmower? [Hayden: That's next to useless.] Mr. Krabs: Well, he... [JCM: ...] Spongebob: Even Mrs. Puff's hair curlers? [Steel: Also, strike six.] [Hayden: Bald sack of pink flesh should have sold that.] Mr. Krabs: That one was a gift! [Steel: And even these direct quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants?] Spongebob: And was that more dirty meat you just stuffed in your safe there? Didn't we just dump a whole chunk of them out the other day? [Steel: Looks like I'm not quite done with this "dirty meat" charade either.] [Hayden: Was that an actual solid question I just heard instead of a Spongebob reference question?!] Mr. Krabs: We did, but- Spongebob: And since when did you acquire all these portraits of Patrick?! [Steel: Strike seven.] [Hayden: Fap material.] [JCM: I'll allow it.] Mr. Krabs: What is this twenty questions?! I didn't do anything, lad! Yer being delusional. Did ye forget the pickles again or something? Spongebob: Are you willing to say that with your claw on top of a stack of money? Mr. Krabs: Of course I'm...what are ye saying, lad? Spongebob: Me? I ain't saying nothing that would matter to anyone willing to take a lie detector test! [Steel: Strike eight.] [Hayden: *saying anything ] Mr. Krabs: Yer saying something, lad! [JCM: Something.] Spongebob: Heavens no, sir! It's just that everyone I hold dear has gone missing since last meeting up with you! [Hayden: ] Mr. Krabs: Ye are accusing me of something! [Steel: Can this just lead up to somewhere now?] Spongebob: Show me your claws, sir. [Hayden: *points at safe with trash bag* ] Mr. Krabs: What?! [JCM: What?! In the butt?!] Spongebob: I wanna see clean claws. [Hayden: Does Krabs have one of those disinfectant bottles on his desk?] Mr. Krabs: Git back to work, Mr. Squarepants or yer fired! Spongebob's world began crashing all around him as those words echoed in his head. Spongebob: Fired? [Steel: Look what you've done, Mr. Krabs! Now you triggered his Vietnam war flashbacks.] [Hayden: To certain specials we'd like to forget.] [JCM: Love the smell of napalm and dead fishes in the morning.] Mr. Krabs: Ye heard me, boy. Now git or stay git! Yer choice. [Steel: I'd be willing to take the second option, so I know what "stay git" apparently means.] [Hayden: It's the process of staying while getting git.] Not wanting to lose his precious job, Spongebob had no choice but to stand down and return to his station, defeated. Krabs breathed a sigh of relief. Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, glad that's done with. [JCM: D=:] [Hayden: Hey, that's a variant of your catchphrase! =/ ] Spongebob was close to making a breakthrough against Krabs but blew it for the sake of his dream job. The head fry cook resumed flipping that meat in shame [Steel: When in doubt, masturbate.] as his transceiver starts relaying something. Spongebob had completely forgotten about his Confess-a-Bear in the heat of the moment and listened in on what Krabs was saying. Mr. Krabs: I have to give credit to the lil, yella guy. He almost had me there for a second. Ar Ar Ar Ar! But just how in Neptune's name did he almost got me? Surely, he's too dim to get to noticing this all by now. [Hayden: He is, but his dead friends are smarter than him. Too bad you didn't clean up Sandy's place when you went there to take her hedge clippers.] Just then, a thought occurred to Krabs. Quote Spongebob: A Confess-a-Bear, sir! I made it special. You can tell it all your innermost secrets. [Steel: This flashback was brought to you by Naruto.] [JCM: Quality flashback. 10/10. Will be Hokage one day.] Mr. Krabs: The bear? Mother of pearl...I should've known from the microphone! [Hayden: When were you shown to have noticed the microphone?] Spongebob: Oh dear. The sound of ruffling could be heard from the transceiver as what sounds like wires snapping blared out before cutting to static. Spongebob has been found out. Before Spongebob could react, he is grabbed from behind by a pair of big, meaty claws that proceeds to squeeze the life out of him until he finally loses consciousness. [Steel: Well, I guess that's all there is to it.... Except for the fact that there's still a few more episodes of this spin-off. Oh, and as for my question that I asked for myself right at the top, did this episode redeem the spin-off for something better? ...Nope.] [JCM: ...] [Hayden: Spongebob confirmed slowest reaction time of any creature. Consistent. Next up is my 100th riffing theater addition and the canon finale of Killer Krab. As the theater gets ready to cut its lights and close the doors in the year ahead. I hope we still have the very best "so bad it's good" content ahead of us.] Edited December 18, 2018 by MLG Vanilluxe 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 It's funny how you guys referenced Naruto right when Mr. Krabs suddenly appeared from behind Spongebob like a ninja. What, did he teleport out of his office? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Oy...this shit gets worse and worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 The Killer Krab 15. Under The Floorboards Spoiler Chapter XV: Under The Floorboards [Steel: I've been mistaken, the last episode wasn't where the story originally ended, as we haven't gotten to the whole aftermath of this storyline yet. NOW could this be the one?] [Hayden: I'll be printing this puppy off and sticking it under the floorboards with me other 99 riffs.] [Old Man Jenkins: THE FINALE IS RIGHT HERE, UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS!] Spongebob: Wh-what? What happened? Where am I? [Old Man Jenkins: On your way to SBC's Davy Jones Locker, from the look of things.] [Hayden: As if Krabs would have the self-restraint not to splat you. Actually, sponges don't go splat so he'd have to get inventive.] Spongebob woke up in a daze only to see pure darkness. [Steel: So, this is Kingdom Hearts now?] [Old Man Jenkins: Fun fact, this was DarknessDG's first appearance ever on SBC.] He felt around himself [Old Man Jenkins: Ho-Hold up, mah boi!] in order to get a feel of his surroundings [Old Man Jenkins: Phew! *drops spatula* cuz this beginning hasn't been making enough references.] [Hayden: Let me guess, he's under the floorboards. THANKS TITLE!] but it appeared as if he was stuffed inside a garbage bag. [Old Man Jenkins: Oh, so this story is what's been giving me a rash.] [Steel: Or is this Trash Can Day? So much for the whole spin-off leading up to everyone being dead though.] [Hayden: ....Ok, dumber than I expected story. Once again you have side stepped thou. If he was under the floorboards, he'd have some space to feel around, but if he's in a garbage bag....HE SHOULD'VE INSTANTLY FELT COMPRESSED.] He proceeded to push through the plastic but his weak physique just couldn't provide the sufficient strength to break through. [Old Man Jenkins: He should've upgraded from the stuffed animals to marshmallows.] [Hayden: ] Spongebob: Alright, gosh darn it! [Steel: Dale.] [Old Man Jenkins: Push him to his limits anymore, and we might actually hear SpongeBob tugboat noise.] Spongebob began punching and kicking like crazy but it still couldn't scathe the bag. Spongebob couldn't help but feel helpless in this dire situation. [Old Man Jenkins: Oxymoron?] [Hayden: If only he hadn't bitten off his fingernails. ] He began to shake uncontrollably, not in fight, [Old Man Jenkins: He could totally take that garbage on without even teaching it, just saying.] but due to the cold air of the room he was it. It was so cold that he was shivering. [Old Man Jenkins: THERE IT IS! THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!] [Hayden: He was it? Is Killer Krabs playing tag with him?] Spongebob: Did somebody leave the fridge open or something? [Old Man Jenkins: THAT TOO!] [Hayden: The geezer put you in the freezer.] He exhaled into his hands and began rubbing them together to warm himself up a little but it didn't do much to help. [Old Man Jenkins: When does it ever.] [Hayden: Everything Spongebob does is ineffective. The End.] Feeling hopeless, Spongebob began to weep in sorrow, thoughts of his fallen friend's began to sweep through his mind. [Steel: I would've topped this off with a "The End" gag, but it's too early for that, and I kinda exhausted that a bit.] [Hayden: Yeah, about that Steel....But think of it this way Spongebob, at least your fallen friends had it quick and easy. You get the privilege of suffocation and hypothermia.] [Old Man Jenkins: All the little SpongeBobs in his mind must be working double overtime in there.] Spongebob: I hate to say, but I'm sorry that I let Squidward down. I'm sorry that I let everybody else down. But worst of all, I'm sorry I let you down, Patrick and Sandy. [Old Man Jenkins: You "hate to say it"? And this is supposed to be our hero.] [Steel: "I let everyone else down, but I ALMOST FORGOT, I let Patrick and Sandy down spite that I mentioned them collectively in the last sentence."] [Hayden: It's out of character for Spongebob to feel more remorse for Patrick/Sandy than Squidward. The sponge doesn't have that bias.] Spongebob laid himself out on the floor, ready to accept his cold fate. [*The End* card peers over towards the screen* Steel: No, not yet.] Spongebob: Alright Mr. Flying Dutchman, sir. I'm ready. Take me away in your cold grip embrace of death! Old Man Jenkins: I think he heard that you hated to say that you let him down too. [Hayden: He can't, he's busy being dead also. Actually, if the Flying Dutchman is Bikini Bottom's grim reaper, doesn't that mean everyone can keep on living no matter what happens to them?] A few minutes went by. [Steel: Very useful information, my dear spin-off.] [Old Man Jenkins: Getting the French Narrator on board for The Killer Krab just wasn't in the cards. He demanded far more money than the budget would even allow and I heard he had a reputation of being a total diva on the set of SpongeBob.] Spongebob: Didn't you hear me? I said I'm ready. Ready as I'll ever be! Voice: The power within... [Old Man Jenkins: Hey, maybe he'll let you out if you get him the deleted scene for I Was a Teenage Gary!] [Hayden: Like he needs to be reminded of the episode where Sandy fought an entire temple of gross people to save him. That'll help his guilt.] Spongebob: Huh? [Old Man Jenkins: You could wing it! I mean, you are the star of SpongeBob, after all. If anybody can show the goods, it's you.] Voice: The power within... Spongebob: Who is that? [Hayden: Somebody with misguided beliefs about your capabilities.] [Steel: What is even going on is the better question.] [Old Man Jenkins: Very much somebody with nothing better to do, as I just established above.] A disembodied repeated those same words over and over again, ringing in Spongebob's earholes. [Steel: A disembodied what?] [Hayden: Maybe Krabs disembodied a parrot.] Sudden, a celestial vision appeared to Spongebob in the form of an old fish in a sweater and slacks. [Old Man Jenkins: Just throw a tuxedo, top hat and a mask on em and we'll have ourselves a real deus ex machina here.] Spongebob: What the barnacle? Old Fish The power within. The power within. The power within. [Steel: Strike one.] [Hayden: I hope it's the power to get you to shut the fuck up.] The old fish began performing some sort pioneer rain dance, disorienting our playful sponge into a state of panic [Old Man Jenkins: Can I have what he's having? This "thriller" is nowhere near panicking me enough.] Spongebob: Who are you? [Steel: Judging by the dialogue captions, "Old Fish."] Old Fish: The power within. [Old Man Jenkins: OH SNAP, I KNEW IT!] Spongebob: Don't make another move! Old Fish: The power within. [Steel: The repetition within. The repetition within. The repetition within.] Spongebob: I'm warning you. Old Fish: The power within. Spongebob: I'm a sponge! [The Power Within: Holy shit, a sponge?! Look, we all cool, breh! Deuces!] [Steel: Strike two.] [Hayden: Sponges are known for their power on the outside, removing stains from dishware.] The old fish gave no mind to the sponge's words as he proceeded to finish his rain dance. Old Fish: THE POWER WITHIIIIIIIN! [Old Man Jenkins: Summoning rain into an already frigid environment, I guess this guy is that desperate to just kill em too so we can end this shit.] And it was then that Spongebob took the old fish's words to heart and had an epiphany of sorts. [Old Man Jenkins: Don't you dare!] [Steel: In other words, SpongeBob has become holy.] [Hayden: So he literally brainwashed Spongebob.] Spongebob: The power within...I understand now. I have the power to get out of this mess. [Old Man Jenkins: Not from what a few minutes ago told us. ] I have the power to stop Mr. Krabs, but I've been holding myself back from doing so all this time. [Old Man Jenkins: If I didn't know any better, I'd think he's about to unleash his righteous fury and go Super Saiyan 2.] [Hayden: Dialing a police phone number was too heavy for the square dude.] I should've known something fishy was going on here but I was just too obsessed with my job an being too much of a barnacle head to put two and two together. [Old Man Jenkins: ] Old Fish: YEAAAAH! [Hayden: ] [Steel: *insert Lil Jon quote here*] [Old Man Jenkins: See, even he's celebrating that revelation.] Spongebob: Alright, alright. I, am a MAN. Spongebob took out his handy razor and used it to cut open the bag and tore his way out, [Old Man Jenkins: So the power within was just having a razor inside you all along. ] [Hayden: Now that we're men, we'll have shaving tools! Now that we're men, we'll defy logic's most basic rules!] tripping over on the ground doing so and causing something else to fall out of his pocket. [Old Man Jenkins: Well, at least it wasn't vibrating. For all we know.] Spongebob: Huh, what happened? Spongebob looked around his cold steel surroundings. Boxes full of frozen patties surrounded him as well as other perishables. Spongebob: ...The freezer?... [Hayden: I thought the frostbite was coming from the beach!] A dim light emanated through the small window on the freezer door and Spongebob made his way towards it, struggling to open it up but to no avail as the handle has seemingly frozen up from the inside. Spongebob: Tartar sauce! Think Spongebob, think! What would Mermaidman do?! [Steel: ] [Hayden: Probably take a nap.] [Old Man Jenkins: WWMMD, slap that shit on a t-shirt.] Spongebob proceeded to kah-rah-tay the door open but the noise he was making made him think otherwise. [Old Man Jenkins: Why don't you just straight razor were way of there?] Spongebob: I know! Open sesame!...Well, it was worth a try. [Steel: Strike three.] [Hayden: ] [Old Man Jenkins: ] Spongebob looked around the room in a panic, desperate to find a potential way of getting out. Spongebob noticed something on the ground near the torn up bag he was in. It was the walkie talkie he had in his pocket. [Old Man Jenkins: Phew! *drops spatula again*] Spongebob: Walkie talkie! [Steel: The maniac's in the freezer!] [Hayden: Why didn't Krabs steal that like the other possessions?] [Old Man Jenkins: *picks up spatula and takes back that "Phew!"*] He swiped it up from the ground and turned it on. Spongebob: Sponge to Chip, do you read me, over?! [Old Man Jenkins: This is it! THIS IS CHIP'S TIME TO SHINE!] No answer. [Steel: I believe the correct response would be "...," but hey, at least the spin-off stopped relying on that non-existent exposition.] [Hayden: No Steel, they were totally answering those other times.] Spongebob: Penny? Used Napkin? Anybody?! [Old Man Jenkins: Used Napkin I can understand, he's an established asshole. But I expected better from you, Penny!] Suddenly, a loud "CRUNCH" echoed through the receiver as if someone was chewing on something. [Old Man Jenkins: The deed is done ] [Steel: I'm pretty sure it's because someone stepped on a branch. ...Yeah, I just went there. This is what memes do to you.] [Hayden: Well now it's really crunch time.] Spongebob: Gary, is that you? Mr. Krabs: What the barnacle, this ting actually works? [Steel: According to the dictionary, a ting is a sharp, emitting sound, so I would say so that it worked.] Spongebob: Mr. Krabs?! Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! [Hayden: Shouldn't Krabs be shocked his victim isn't dead? Casual ass response.] [Old Man Jenkins: I'm honestly surprised I didn't just reuse the Harold Flower bit at this point. I feel it would've had more potential here.] Spongebob: What have you done to Chip?! [Steel: You got stuffed in a garbage bag inside a freezer with a walkie talkie lying around, and this is the best question you have in mind?] Mr. Krabs: Let's just say he be in a better place, me stomach! Like the sayin' goes, give a little of yerself so others can live. Ar Ar Ar Ar! [Old Man Jenkins: Don't you get philosophical on ME, Krabs!] [Hayden: Krabs ate the dirty meat!] [Steel: R.I.P. May Mr. Krabs' stomach wish you a peaceful place in the afterlife.] Spongebob: You fiend! Mr. Krabs: I also found meself a pretty lil penny. Ye know what I always say, boy. Waste not, want no. Ar Ar Ar Ar! [Old Man Jenkins: Don't you botch that saying on ME, Krabs!] [Steel: And still, nothing of value was lost.] [Hayden: Spongebob is more distraught about these victims than anyone not named Patrick/Sandy/Squidward.] Spongebob: You let Penny go, sir! [Mr. Krabs: It's like I always told ye, me boyo. Yo Ho! Yo Ho! The pretty penny, I'll never let go!] Mr. Krabs: Or what?! Excuse me, I feel a lil sneeze comin' on. It be a good thing ye have a napkin here handy. [Old Man Jenkins: Oh, you can do whatever you want to him.] [Hayden: Who uses napkins to blow their nose? Enjoy the rough feeling on your nose, asshole.] Spongebob: Don't you dare re-use Used Napkin! [Steel: Oh no, anything but using Used Napkin since the last time it was used! But seriously though, that was actually a pretty decent joke.] Used Napkin: ... [Steel: Used Napkin voiced by Red.] Spongebob: Stay out of this! Mr. Krabs: Achoooo! Ar, that's better. [Old Man Jenkins: Rest in mucus, Re-Used Napkin.] [Hayden: Krabs then came down from a cold from using a napkin with germs on it. The cold was fatal.] Spongebob: Why? Why, Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs: To maintain me livelihood is why! That restaurant is me life! Me blood, sweat and tears, but mostly me sweat! I can't have any lily livered polliwog slander or threaten the good Krusty Krab name! [Old Man Jenkins: Shit, Used Napkin played a bigger role than I thought.] [Steel: Sounds like a lot of hoopla to make over keeping a formidable fast-food business.] Spongebob: But sir, you didn't have to go this far! Mr. Krabs: Me money was on the line, boy! Ye would never understand! [Old Man Jenkins: And til this day, I still don't.] [Hayden: There's no money in prison!] Spongebob: Then why did you kept me alive this whole time?! [Steel: To make use of your occasional grammar issues.] Mr. Krabs: Ye had yer uses fer me and ye are still me most valued fry cook and employee. Ye were easy to manage. Ye would've very well die fer me willingly if I called ye into me office. [Old Man Jenkins: Well, I wouldn't say he'd be exactly wrong there.] [Steel: Ye best mind yer own business ye yer you, ye must understand yer boss, and ye captain's speech.] [Hayden: ] Spongebob: You shouldn't have done this, Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs: I knew ye wouldn't understand. Yer just to damn yella! [Old Man Jenkins: No need to play the damn race card, Mr. K. Or should I say, Mr. KKK?!] Spongebob: I may be your employee but I'm your friend darn it! SpongeBob: I thought what we had was speciiiiiiaaaaallllll! And so were everybody else whose lives you've ended! Sir, you can trample over me and take away my dignity but when you take away my friend's, that's when I get mad! [Old Man Jenkins: AND WIN! THAT! MEDAAAAALLLLL!] [Steel: I would've considered pulling another strike, but this was paraphrased anyways.] Mr. Krabs: I may not have killed ye before but I sure as krill will now! [Old Man Jenkins: Ohoh, you know he's more sure than Skodwarde.] [Hayden: Krabs will own Spongebob more than Krillin could ever be ownt.] Spongebob: Immediately? [Hayden: No, a week from next Tuesday.] Mr. Krabs: Yes, immediately. I sure as krill will kill you right NOOOOW. [Old Man Jenkins: SpongeBob was just taunting him.] [Steel: "krill will kill" sounds like a Dr. Seuss book.] The signal for the walkie talkies went dead. Spongebob knew he had to get out of there right now. [Hayden: Karate chop the door down, you don't have to worry about noise now.] Spongebob: From the sound of things, Mr. Krabs must've been at my house. Cleaning the place out no doubt. Think Sponge, think! [Old Man Jenkins: Then why doesn't he just shin jutsu teleport his way back like in the last chapter?] [Hayden: I just need to know Gary's fate.] Voice: Wahahaha! [Old Man Jenkins: Wario?] [Steel: Wario is in this spin-off?] Green smoke began to envelope the room as Davy Jones emerged from it. Spongebob: What the- Davy Jones: Do you give everyone you meet the funniest looks? [Old Man Jenkins: Haha! Obscure references. Told you he'd be back.] [Steel: But it looks like the singer from the Monkees in this spin-off, and that's just as strange as fanfiction intends for it to be!] Spongebob: Davy Jones? Isn't this a bit soon? [Old Man Jenkins: Well, I think it was a good nine months off at the time. A full pregnancy is more than enough time, I think.] Davy Jones: You begged for death to come take you away earlier, now I'm here to take you into my locker! [Old Man Jenkins: A tweest worthy of M. Night!] [Hayden: Spongebob gets a free pass on that if you take 30 minutes or longer.] Spongebob: What happened to the Flying Dutchman? Davy Jones: Some sweaty guy splattered him all over my locker. [Old Man Jenkins: Don't you just hate it when that shit happens?] [Steel: With his big meaty....ugh, why is it that I have to keep acknowledging lines that sound like innuendos!?] [Hayden: I hear ectoplasm is tough to get out. I see why Davy Jones needs a sponge.] Spongebob: You can't take me yet, Davy Jones, sir. Davy Jones: What? I'm here take you once that sweaty guy comes here and hangs your butt on his wall! [Steel: And sing him "Daydream Believer" to his sleeping death, as I should consider.] [Hayden: Of course, he'll add it to his collection of booty.] Spongebob: Please, Mr. Jones, you've gotta help me. [Steel: I'm not sure how a Counting Crows song would give you the benefit of a doubt.] Davy Jones: Tell that to my old bandmates. [Hayden: Just give him their address.] Spongebob: Please, this a matter of life and death [Old Man Jenkins: It's funny because he's talking to the new personification of death.] and I can't let Mr. Krabs get away with what he's done. You've seen it firsthand yourself. Davy Jones: That I have, and he didn't bother helping me with cleaning up the scene. Tell you what, Spongebob, I'll help you break out of here. [Old Man Jenkins: Never mind, slap a tuxedo, top hat and mask on him.] [Hayden: In exchange for Spongebob's cleaning services?] Will you be willing to barter your should in exchange all the money I have in my pocket? [Steel: Is it quote/unquote 62 cents that Davy has in his pocket?] Spongebob: Well played, Mr. Jones, well played. I can try bringing my way in order to lull Mr. Krabs into a false sense of security. [Old Man Jenkins: ...Yeah, sure, what-the-fuck-ever! Pretty sure I meant "bribing".] How much are we talking about? Davy Jones: 62 cents. [Steel: Strike four.] Spongebob: Really? Davy Jones: If you want to be a judgmental about it- [Old Man Jenkins: Yeah, he's made more on the set of The Monkees than you ever made your entire career!] Spongebob: I'll take it! [Steel: Or you could go along the rules of the shameless SpongeBob quoting routine...] Davy Jones: Here you go, Spongebob. 62 cents! Spongebob: Hopefully this will be enough to sate Mr. Krab's endless greed. [Old Man Jenkins: I'm sure it will. No sarcasm.] Davy Jones: Oh just use it to unscrew the AC you twit. Wahahaha! [Old Man Jenkins: I totally copped that from the Telltale Walking Dead game I was playing at the time. Wahahaha!] And with that, Davy Jones took his leave, leaving Spongebob to devise a hasty escape plan. [Steel: I too bid farewell to the best thing in the spin-off.] Spongebob began to unscrew the screws holding the AC up one by one until it crashed down on him. [Old Man Jenkins: Rest in piss, The Killer Krab. I knew ye too well.] [Hayden: This episode is basically a million ways Spongebob should have died by now.] This left an opening into the vent leading out of the freezer. Spongebob: Praise Neptune! [Old Man Jenkins: Who you should be praising is Davy Jones.] Spongebob could hear rapid footsteps coming through from the other side of the vent. He hurried over to the freezer door window to see a shadowy figure quickly approaching the freezer. [Steel: Use the Keyblade, SpongeBob!] [Hayden: If Spongebob is trapped in the freezer, why does Krabs even think he has to take any action? He wouldn't know about Spongebob's vent plan.] Spongebob: Barnacles! Mr. Krabs: This is gonna hurt me more than it will ye, Spongebob. [Hayden: Right, we've seen the moral demons that haunt you every day.] Krabs forced open the freezer and stepped halfway inside to take care of his treasured fry cook. Mr. Krab: Where are ye, ye yellow bellied land lubber?! [Steel: Where else would ye be? He's already got his claws on the freezer door.] Spongebob: HIYA! [Hayden: ] Krabs felt a strong force push him inside the freezer from behind, sending him flying into frozen Krabby patties. [Hayden: Factory Fresh! If Krabs eats some of those the authorities will have a large butt to hang on their wall.] Mr. Krabs: What's the meaning of this?! [Old Man Jenkins: It's called self-defense, asshole. Then again, you wouldn't know since you didn't give your victims a chance. Or they were just too stupid.] [Hayden: I didn't think the little yella daisy had it in him.] Spongebob quickly closed the freezer door on his boss, leaving him trapped inside. Spongebob darted down the dark hallway of the Krusty Krab in order to contact the proper authorities. [Old Man Jenkins: We might need to send in the entire navy to finally put an end to this spinoff.] [Steel: It was about time for common sense to catch up with this spin-off.] He busted into the kitchen to see something roasting on the stove. Spongebob stapled closer [Old Man Jenkins: It just wouldn't be a last chapter for this spinoff without any lack of proof reading!] [Hayden: What on earth is he stapling? His obituary?] for a better look and gasped at the sight but the sound of the kitchen door swinging open behind him catches the playful sponge by surprise. Spongebob: Ah! Mr. Krabs! How'd you get out of the freezer? [Old Man Jenkins: Nice try, Shinjitzu!] Mr. Krabs: The same way ye did apparently. Way to cover up yer tracks by the way. [Old Man Jenkins: Well played, Krabs, well played...] [Hayden: This is why you just run straight out of the Krusty Krab, buffoon.] And I see you stumbled on what I plan on having fer dinner. A fine French delicacy...snail. [Old Man Jenkins: This is some of dat Fatal Attraction shit.] [Steel: You may want to eat those words Mr. K, since this is the kind of trouble that would summon Mr. Enter in his berserk form.] [Hayden: I don't believe it! Gary would've outsmarted this piece of shit. GARY COME BACK. *collapses underneath the floorboards and sobs*] Spongebob: How could you?! Mr. Krabs: Enough with playing 20 questions. Let's settle this like men! [Old Man Jenkins: A trusted employee to avenge his friends against the sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab! Here tonight, on Community Deathmatch!] [Hayden: No man roasts another man's snail.] Krabs pounced at Spongebob, tackling him to the floor and beating him into submission with his big, meaty claws. [Steel: You will never defeat me, Kakakrust!] [Hayden: You're about to learn why Flatts and the Strangler were never able to kill Spongebob!] Mr. Krabs: Ye lil yellow bastard! [Old Man Jenkins: ROBOT CHICKEN!] Ye just had to keep snoopin' around, didn't ye?! Ye could've just live on scot-free but now ye give me no choice! [Hayden: I wouldn't call it living scot-free when he's supposed to come into work 365 days a year and never see a single person he knows besides you ever again.] Krabs picks Spongebob up from the floor and throws him towards the stove. Spongebob stirs around, barely landing face first on the stove but Krabs comes from behind, forcing his face onto the stove with all his might. Spongebob holds himself up on the edge, trying to resist. [Steel: I'm pretty much going to riff some less at this point, since fight scenes aren't so easy to riff. *Brings out the popcorn.*] [Hayden: No use resisting, just feel the bern.] Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, no! Stop! Mr. Krabs: I'm sorry, lad! [Old Man Jenkins: Yeeeah, I'd be hard pressed not to believe that.] [Hayden: ] Spongebob carefully maneuvers his right arm in order to land a few elbows into Krabs right in his iron abs, [Old Man Jenkins: Jeez, end of the story and I still couldn't get it right.] [Hayden: Quick Spongebob, throw all the water in the room onto him and wait for him to rust.] causing Krabs to loose his grip, providing Spongebob with an opening to wrestle Krabs away from the stove and proceeds to strangle his employer. Spongebob has taken control of the struggle. [Old Man Jenkins: Thanks, having Krabs in a stranglehold had me thinking Krabs had this in the bag.] [Hayden: ] Spongebob: Give yourself up, you crustaceous cheapskate! Mr. Krabs: N-Never! [Hayden: ] Krabs clamps his claws into Spongebob's eyes, causing his fry cook to recoil. Krabs attempts to use this to his advantage and begins pushing Spongebob towards the boiling coral bit vat. Before he can be forced into the vat, Spongebob uses the last of his strength to squeeze Krab's eye stalks, causing the old man crab great pain. Spongebob drop toe holds towards the vat and beats on him a little. Spongebob grabs his trusty spatula, Spat, and uses Spat to beat Krabs down. [Old Man Jenkins: Spat didn't consent to this!] [Hayden: Defeated by something that rhymes with splat, sweet justice.] Mr. Krabs: Ye can't do this to me, I'm yer boss! Spongebob: I QUIT! [Old Man Jenkins: ] [Steel: Never has a copied/pasted SpongeBob sounded so triumphantly imposing. Then again, this might as well be the spin-off's very own "Fuck you, Lucky Charms."] [Hayden: Now that they aren't legally binded in a work relationship, revenge murder is perfectly fair.] Spongebob proceeds to judo throw Mr. Krabs face first into the vat, leaving the entire upper half of his body submerged in the boiling substance. [Old Man Jenkins: Do you think Mr. Krabs does judo?] [Mr. Krabs: ] [Hayden: I know Spongebob doesn't do judo, since that's not karate.] Spongebob held Krabs in place until he eventually stopped moving. Spongebob: You made me do that, sir! [Hayden: ] Spongebob tearfully walked away from the vat and out of the kitchen into the main seating area. He knew that from here on in, he'd be all alone. Before he could make his way out of the back doors, [Hayden: Don't be like that Spongebob, there's plenty of fish left in the sea.] [Old Man Jenkins: Wait, wait. So he went out to the dining area not to just waltz out the front door, then he just circled back to the back door?] he felt a strong force bring his entire body down from behind. Spongebob turned to see Mr. Krabs, visibly deep fried from being in the vat. [Old Man Jenkins: This probably wouldn't have happened if you had just went through the front doors!] Mr. Krabs: Ye want yer friend's so badly? They're right here! Under the floorboards! [Old Man Jenkins: AAHH! HE SAID IT!] [Steel: ...So the whole ordeal with killing off the characters and stuffing them into dumpster bags in the process of getting rid of the "dirty meat" was to lead to a plot point taken shamelessly from SpongeBob, that was first a reference to "Tell-Tale Heart?" Eh, I'll take it. This supposed finale is almost over.] [Hayden: That was never where he stored the bodies before though. Shame, that would've worked as a final line if he had set it up in advance.] Krabs proceeded to grab hold of the wood flooring beneath Spongebob and tear from the the foundation, revealing a mass grave beneath the Krusty Krab containing all his victims. [Old Man Jenkins: Then what the fuck were you throwing out throughout all those other episodes, actually Krabs Patty meat that went spoiled?!] Mr. Krabs: I couldn't just dump them out in the trash in broad daylight! [Old Man Jenkins: So you took them back out of the trash in broad daylight, which isn't any weirder. In order to salvage myself, I'm just gonna fool myself into believing that was actually spoiled Krabby Patties they were throwing out.] [Hayden: But the smell from under the floorboards would've attracted attention....] And what luck, I think there may be just enough room fer one more body. [Old Man Jenkins: And it's in the shape of a perfect square, to boot!] [Hayden: Where will you put the ones that come after?] Krabs grabs Spongebob by his legs and pulls him in but uses Spat to smack Krabs around before land breaking his right leg free from Krab's grip. [Old Man Jenkins: Way to take even me out of the action.] He makes Krabs eat the bottom of his shoe, [Old Man Jenkins: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that's a slight reference and a wink too. I see you, Jenkins, I see you.] [Hayden: Krabs eats boots for breakfast. ] blasting his boss in the face with a thunderous karate kick, sending Krabs back into the mass grave. Seizing the opportunity, Spongebob crawls into Krab's office in order to use the shell phone to call the police. The office door slams shut behind him right as he reaches Krab's desk. [Old Man Jenkins: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!] [Hayden: LEAVE THE FUCKING BUILDING. KEEPING YOURSELF IN THE ENTRAPPED QUARTERS IS THE WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD. We all knew his obsession with that setting would do him in one day.] A brief struggle can be heard until the sound of a SPLAT rings through the restaurant as a loud "Oh no!" is heard. The office falls into the dead silence as Mr. Krabs nonchalantly waltzes out of his office. [Old Man Jenkins: Deep fried and all.] [Hayden: So all that and it still ends in the same lame formulaic outcome. I'll give the rest of it an alright grade however.] He let's out a loud sigh of relief. [Old Man Jenkins: A loud sigh of relief. That's how you know it's the end.] [Steel: Well...what can I really say here? This is actually a really grueling description.] Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah! The deed is done. [*The End card immediately pops up.* Steel: Yeah, yeah, this might as well be the end, but there's still more of this episode....] [Hayden: ] Meanwhile, in the kitchen, someone grabs a pickle from one of the pickle jars. Davy Jones: I only promised the little yellow guy a way out. [Old Man Jenkins: Haha! Symbolism.] [Steel: AND hello again, best thing in the spin-off.] [Hayden: Oh yeah, Spongebob never even used the 62 cents. So the bribing plot went nowhere.] Davy Jones took the pickle with him and went back to doing whatever Davy Jones does inside a locker. [Old Man Jenkins: Til this day, it still keeps me up at night.] [Steel: AND goodbye again....] [Hayden: Best left to the imagination.] Later that night, Krabs would drop another load into his hole [Old Man Jenkins: Haha! Double entendres.] [Hayden: JCM, that's gross.] and did good to cover his ass, [Old Man Jenkins: Haha! Another one.] [Hayden: But that's the thing, he's done a woeful job with ass covering. Didn't Davy Jones say Krabs would hang the ass on the wall? That's displaying.] until the teenagers who won't leave him alone came in heckling for jobs. [Old Man Jenkins: Oh yeah, that's a thing that was never previously elaborated on EVER.] [Hayden: Kill them and save us three more chapters. I beg of ye.] Teenagers: Alriiight, Mr. Krabs! [Old Man Jenkins: We just witnessed a totally coral murder!] [Hayden: Are you feeling a few more chapters, Mr. Krabs?] Mr. Krabs: Aye lads, let's discuss the terms of ye contracts in me office. [Steel: It looks like OMJ hasn't exhausted the amount of characters to become foil for Mr. Krabs' blacklist.] [Hayden: I've never been more disappointed than in him feeling it.] And business went on as usual.. [Steel: "Here we go again" indeed...] [Old Man Jenkins: We don't even get to so much as see the sound effect used for their deaths?!] [Hayden: ] YAY! I'VE FINALLY FINISHED SOMETHING!! [Hayden: That's the feeling I get when I finish 100 riffs and this spin-off in the same instant! Thanks for all the (Seasons 1-3) memories Killer Krab, your most elaborate murder scheme was knocking us dead.] [Steel: It's just too bad OMJ gave this spin-off a few more episodes, not that's bad though. Yeah, surprise, I actually did enjoy this episode a bit.] [Old Man Jenkins: Ahhhh, calm your tits, you fucking wanker! You probably literally just shitted this out just so's you can say that you've finally finished something! As if writing this trite is something to be proud of, you repetitive ASS! ] This was originally the finale until OMJ revived it for three bonus episodes, which we are covering as well. Just three moar. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) The Killer Krab 16. Graveyard Shift Spoiler Chapter 16: Graveyard Shift [OMJ: Lemme guess, the Hash Slinging Slasher comes back from the grave to get revenge on Mr. Krabs for killing him the first time, only to get killed again even though he's very much a ghost?][JCM: Instead of riffing this crap, I'm going to do a list of OMJ's deaths in JCMovies. Ready go.] [Jjs: Now we start the three short-lived bonus episodes. Will these improve my opinion on the spin-off? Probably not, but who knows!?] We pick back up where we last left off, the teenagers who won't leave Mr. Krabs, sole proprieter of the Krusty Krab, alone coming in and heckling him for jobs. [OMJ: Job applications are SO not co-ral.] [Jjs: THEY TOOK OUR JERBS!][JCM: Episode 4: Repairman bashes OMJ's head in with a sledgehammer.] Teenagers: Alriiight, Mr. Krabs! [Teenagers who won't leave Krabs alone: You just killed a fry cook legend in cold blood and we're totally cool with it!][JCM: Episode 8: OMJ gets eaten by a pony.] Mr. Krabs just stood there sweating buckets, unsure of just how much they have witnessed beforehand. [OMJ: Enough to congratulate you on it.] [Jjs: Word on the street is killing people is the new coral thing these days, so I wouldn't worry.] He goes to hastily put his shovel in the freezer, where he usually puts it inconspicuously. [OMJ: Among other things.][JCM: Episode 12: OMJ gets mauled by a rat.] Mr. Krabs: So, how much did ye all see? [JCM: Episode 17: OMJ gets cyanide poisoning.] One of the teens, an orange fish with braces wearing a purple shirt, green shorts and a red baseball cap, breaks the silence for him and his friends. [JCM: Episode 19: OMJ dies of lung cancer.] Orange Teen: Dude, we saw you, like, bury a fry cook legend! [Orange Teen: So can we take his job? =)][JCM: Episode 22: OMJ gets crushed by an asteroid.] [Jjs: I'm sure they've seen some weird shit, so this is probably not the oddest sight for them.] Mr. Krabs: Shhh! Not so loud, er...what's yer name? [OMJ: Can't go alerting the Chum Bucket, the only place around that general area.] Orange Teen: Danny [Jjs: Phantom?] [OMJ: 10? Haha! A lil SBM humor.][JCM: Episode 23: A pie explodes in OMJ's stomach.] He motions towards his two friends. Danny: And they're Katerina and Arnold. [OMJ: Hey Arnold!][JCM: Episode 31: OMJ gets sucked into a giant fan.] Mr. Krabs contemplated simply killing these young whipper snappers and be done with any potential threat they may pose to him, [Jjs: Go ahead, since it'd spare us two more episodes.] but he figured he could appeal to the young people and bend them to his will instead. [OMJ: Well that's uncharacteristically merciful of you.] [Jjs: Mr. Krabs loves the young people.] Mr. Krabs: So, ye all be lookin fer employment in me fine establishment, are ye? [OMJ: A restaurant established right above a mass grave is my definition of "fine".][JCM: Episode 34: spacepirate shoots a cannonball through OMJ.] Danny: Dude, do we ever! [Jjs: I have a feeling these kids are stoned out of their minds.] Katerina: It would be a great job opportunity for all of us, sir! [Arnold: We've always planned on being murdered at a young age!][JCM: Episode 36: A Native American shoots an arrow through OMJ.] Mr. Krabs: I don't know, as ye all can prob'ly tell by now, I run a pretty tight ship to shape here! [OMJ: Tight on money, maybe.] I don't just hire any Tom, Dick and Harry. Or Danny, Katerina and Arnold in her cases. [OMJ: Sexist.] There be a lot of people who would kill to work for me, [Krabs: *There be a lot of people who would kill to be killed!] how am I so sure ye all are well qualified to be in any position here at the Krusty Krab? [OMJ: Dumb as a sack of hammers? Check!][JCM: Episode 40: OMJ dies of some unknown disease.] Just then, a lone bus pulled up outside the establishment and dropped off a lone passenger. [OMJ: We get it, they don't have friends!][JCM: Episode 57: MilkMaidMan shoots milk into a lactose intolerant OMJ's mouth, causing his head to blow up.] Mr. Krabs: I didn't know the buses ran at this hour. [OMJ: Oh snap! I knew it!] [Jjs: They do, but they only carry one passenger per ride.] The person looked both ways before crossing on over to the door, pressing it open with what looked to be a spatula for an arm. [OMJ: ] Mr. Krabs began to sweat even more [Jjs: Big Sweaty Claws amirite] as the person stepped through the door and into the light, revealing himself to be some nerdy guy. [JCM: Episode 62: OMJ dies of kidney failure.] Hervy: Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula! [OMJ: And already, he's less qualified than the Danny, Katerina and Arnold.][JCM: Episode 71: OMJ dies in a car explosion.] [Jjs: Is he related to Harvey Beaks?] Just then, Danny, Katerina and Arnold all pounced on the potential nerdy applicant, beating him into the dirt of the graves that rested below the floor boards. [Teenagers who won't leave Krabs alone: If anybody is getting killed around here, it's gonna be us!] [Jjs: Looks like these kids will fit in just fine. ] Krabs merely looked on at what he helped incited inside these young people. The teens continued beating the poor nerd to a pulp before Krabs took out SpongeBob's spatula from his earlier struggle with him and dropped it to the ground next to Danny. [OMJ: Ah, the official passing of the torch from one impressionable, naive sap to another.][JCM: Episode 74: OMJ dies in a microwave explosion.] Mr. Krabs: That'll help ye. [OMJ: Help him how? Is he gonna slap em around with it until he eventually bleeds out? Perhaps try to flip em to death?] Danny, awe-struck at being given a chance to hold his hero's, a fry cook legend's, spatula, grabbed it firmly with both hands. Mr. Krabs just continued looking on with dollar signs in his eyes for some greedy reason. [OMJ: What, are you gonna pickpocket the corpse after?][Mr. Krabs: Of course I am!][JCM: Episode 82: OMJ gets stabbed during a wrestling match with jjs.] Danny: Alriiiiight, Mr. Krabs! [OMJ: Alriiiiight, new catchphrase to spam!] Danny took the spatula and impaled Hervy through the head with it, causing his life to come to a screeching end. [OMJ: ...Well okay then, that happened...] [Jjs: RIP Hervy. We barely knew ye.] The teens each looked please with themselves, as did Krabs. [JCM: Episode 85: OMJ dies during one of Wumbology's experiments.] Krabs: Aye lads, lets discuss the terms of yer contracts in me office. [OMJ: So putting this into perspective with the last episode, this all took place in between the teens first arriving, which was shown in the last episode, and Mr. Krabs inviting them into his office to negotiate their contracts, the only other part of this exchange shown in the last episode? So the teens had already murdered Hervy in the last episode? What kind of Walking Dead shit is this?!][JCM: Episode 94: OMJ dies in a fight with Team Rage's goons.] Krabs led his new employees into his office, the door slamming shut behind them. Business would go on as usual as Krabs and the teens would later dump another body into the mass grave underneath the restaurant's floor. [Jjs: And the Rusty Train rolled on.] [OMJ: At the very least, we didn't get no "the deed is done *smiley face*" bullshit for once. I know some of you may not be wondering why I decided to bring this back at the time, so I'll just tell you anyway! After the original finale, the last episode, I gave the rights to The Killer Krab to CNF, who wanted to give this story a more definitive ending. When his plans didn't go through, he relinquished the rights back to me. Now, this was a good chunk of time in between the original finale and when I posted this ep (I think this was in the Sumer of 2014), so I had a good while to to come up with some of my own ideas to end this in the meantime. Which brings us to this. I was getting into the tv show, The Following, at the time, which helped inspire the route I was trying to take with Krabs hiring the teens as the newest members of the Krusty Crew, who would willingly take part in his dirty business as opposed to SpongeBob, who was more or less a pawn having his loyalty to his job and boss being taken advantage of. So yeah, that's that.][JCM: Well, I hope you all learned something today! I learned that I was even meaner to OMJ in my lit than I thought, and Mr. Krabs apparently isn't above exploiting teenage labor. I'll be back with actual riffs in the finale.] Edited March 1, 2017 by jjsthekid 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 It's funny how this finale shares the same abrupt "The bad guy actually wins!" twist as the ATTWL 3 finale, especially since both came out around the same time. And it's also funny how they share plothooooolllllleeesssss. First of all, why didn't Mr. Krabs just kill Spongebob when he had him right in his clutches at the end of Episode 14? Secondly, the "mass grave under the floorboards" is questionable on so many levels. Never mind the smell or even the lack of an explanation to what they were actually throwing away...how would you even fit all those corpses under the floorboards without anybody noticing something off about the floor? Third, if they weren't throwing the bodies away, how is it that Spongebob and Patrick threw away what were clearly Sandy's remains in Episode 12, as could be seen by all the fur? Overall, this finale at least had some good sequences of action and suspense, but it was still lackluster and left me feeling like there was so much more to be had out of this. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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