Mature Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000: Tales from the Internet

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode IX: Rectified Anonymity

(Warning: Cringe, graphic violence, sexual content and disturbing imagery. Viewer discretion is advised.)

Spoiler

Jjs: Pokémon is one of the most successful video game franchises of all time, much to the dismay of many. I’ve been accused of the heinous crime of being a loser who plays too much Pokémon, so I guess we have to riff something to represent it. (even though I really don't and have played many other game series but that requires reading comprehension skills which not everyone is blessed with) This tale is allegedly the most infamous Pokémon story ever written and its Dipper Goes to Taco Bell, bound to make your poke balls shake in fear. It’s said to be one of the most terrifying of them all, and I’m legitimately scared shitless after reading the backstory behind it. This story is so infamous it was banned by several fanfiction hosting websites due to its contents. “Rectified Anonymity”, or depending on the region you’re in, also called “The Pokémon Story”, was written by David Garrett (not to be confused with the German violinist) at an unknown time between 2005 and 2009. Here’s what a few Pokemon fans have to say about it:

Well HOLY SHIT, my curiosity has only peaked! Despite Nintendo and Japan both allegedly banning this story, I managed to track the story down to a repost on a random website from a guy named Bob Bricken. Guess they didn’t do a very good job banning it. Does this live up to all the horrific myths and legends behind it? Watch as resident Pokémon experts OMJ, Wumbo and I try to do their very best and be the judge.

OMJ: jjs smuggling this into the riffing theater like 

Rain spattered across the sand, causing a deafening roar, like that of a hundred semis crashing into each other in apocalyptic glory.

Jjs: Starting off with beautiful artistic imagery. So far not really terrifying, but maybe this is to lure us into a false sense of security.

OMJ: Or like that of a hundred Rainy Castforms and Palossands crashing into each other in apokélyptic glory.

Wumbo: LIGHTNING MCQUEEN NO

The crack of thunder split the insanity, and wind swept it up into a cacophony of natural horror.

Jjs: People sure aren’t kidding that this story is nuts when we have thunder splitting insanity, however the fuck that works!

OMJ: Thundurus and Tornadus need to chill like right now.

All the while David sat glumly, shielding himself from the gale beneath a rather large tree.

Jjs: Introducing our protagonist David, who appears to be a self-insert of the author. Make of that what you will.

OMJ: he finna fuck

Wumbo: And then the tree cracked under the lightning, killing David instantly. Story over?

He was soaked to the bone and miserable. Lost in Kanto, with no map, no pokedex, no food, and no company other than his beloved pokemon.

Jjs: Getting lost in Kanto? This guy can’t even navigate the most basic region of the series? Loser!

OMJ: Maybe he should’ve packed a drying pan, then he wouldn’t be so soaked and miserable.

He was sure he’d die of hypothermia or worse.

Jjs: When you’re in the Pokémon world, there’s probably a lot worse than hypothermia.

OMJ: Yeah, he could be afflicted with Freeze.

David sighed, clinging tightly to his umbrella which proved of little worth except for some sort of moral booster.

Jjs: How come we don’t get umbrellas in the game for morale boosters?

OMJ: The Utility Umbrella got added far too late.

Wumbo: Morale booster? It’s full a holes!

His soaked blond hair clung tightly to his body.

Wumbo: Okay, you have to understand I’m coming off of the Donald Trump/Joe Biden monstrosity, so I'm just saying… cool it. If we have any geriatric men licking their lips after this I promise I’m out.

With an absent hand he fondled the pokeballs on his lap.

OMJ: 

Wumbo: NO

He clicked the switch on the front, releasing Gardevoir, to stand beside him.

Jjs: …If you know anything about Gardevoir lore, you can already guess why this story is infamous.

OMJ: I don’t know if this guy will be worth giving your life for, Gardevoir.

“Garde..?” she whispered to him soothingly.

Jjs: Unfortunately I was unable to hire a professional Poké translator, so come up with your own interpretations here.

OMJ: She’s telling him to put his defenses up.

Wumbo: I’m not sure whether it’s better to tell these people that real women exist or just leave them to their delusions so they don’t have to bother real women.

“No, I’m fine Gardevoir. I just wanted some to be with,” he replied, barely audible to the young pokemon above the ripping winds.

Jjs: David Garrett sure had a fascination for describing the weather, which makes some wonder why he didn’t set this story in Hoenn instead. Fuck Kanto pandering, I blame this guy for seeding the roots of it right here!

OMJ: Well, you know what we genwunners say, “what happens in Kanto is better than what happens in all other regions combined!”

Gardevoir: “Speak up you fucking scrub.”

A shallow tear formed on the rim of his red eyes but was blotted out the rest of the water that coagulated on everything within sight.

Jjs: I don’t know guys, while I want to be disturbed at where this story might go, maybe it can’t be so bad with this artisan imagery.

OMJ: I’ve got some ClearEyes for that.

Wumbo: Ah yes, my favourite word to hear in Pokemon erotica: “coagulated”!

She patted his shoulder. She was so cute, even for a pokemon. Her thin hips swayed, her plant-like hair messed by the storm. No, no, what are you doing, he thought. She’s an animal.

Jjs: Is this the author David or character David talking?

OMJ: I’m gonna need to make a trip to the Forgetting Man after this one.

Wumbo: You know, if this was written today it would probably be about Vaporeon instead. Don’t… don’t look that up.

But yet she was so much like a human, only smaller, and covered in fauna.

OMJ: Implying that there aren’t 5’ 03’’ people out there to horndog. I pray nobody show him Poison Ivy! Or maybe someone should…

Plus there was no one around for miles,

OMJ: Well if the games are anything to go off of, there’s a trainer waiting to battle every few meters or so.

Wumbo: “I like shorts! They’re comfortable and-OH GAWD WHAT ARE YOU DOING”

and no amount of masturbating could satiate the lust he felt out in the wilderness…

Wumbo: You’re not trying hard enough, then.

if only he could feel the flesh of a woman against his.

Jjs: This is a subtle metaphor for how many Pokémon fans have never felt the touch of a woman either. Bravo!

OMJ: I pray to Arceus that this guy never catches a Ditto.

He put a loving arm around his Gardevoir, pulling her close and whispered; “Gardevoir, you know that I’m your trainer, right? Your master?”

Jjs: “The role of master comes easy to me.”

OMJ: Where’s Mace Windu to deny this guy his rank?

“Gard,” she nodded in agreement. He nodded in return.

Jjs: I’m assuming “Gard” has a different meaning from “Garde.”

Wumbo: One is French. Gardevoir is actually bilingual!

“And would you do anything for me?”

OMJ: Say “Gard” for yes or “Garde” for no!

“Garde,” she nodded again.

OMJ: *hurts myself in my confusion*

Wumbo: Sorry David, but Gardevoir doesn’t learn Blowjob until Level Never You Fucking Perv

He moved another hand to her, sliding it over her wasp waist

OMJ: I pray this guy never catches a Vespiquen.

Wumbo: I pray this guy gets all his Pokemon taken away from him by the proper authorities.

and looking carefully into her eyes. She seemed to begin to understand, a look of fear welled in her eyes.

OMJ: It’s like he tried to use Attract but ended up using Scary Face instead.

David could feel a lump in his pants swell as he began to force her upon the soaked ground.

Jjs: I sure hope this story wasn’t a furry's awakening.

OMJ: REFLECT! REFLECT!

The sky rumbled with thunder all around them, the tree above them creaked threateningly.

Jjs: That threatening tree is far from what I’m most concerned about right now.

OMJ: Rayquaza, Thundurus, Zapdos and Trevenant are collectively displeased with this development.

Wumbo: It’s not too late to crush him, creaky tree!

The best thing about a pokemon is that they’ll never be able to tell anyone about it.

Jjs: Well actually, Gardevoir is Psychic and could use telepathy to tell somebody if she wanted to. I think that’s how it works.

OMJ: Well steer clear of Saffron City. I’m sure Sabrina and her psychic peeps have policies in place for people like you.

Wumbo: You know, every Pokemon sex fantasy is implied to be without consent, but when you put it right in the text like this it kind of kills the illusion that anyone who’s reading this for pleasure isn’t a bad person. Which is to say, keep it up so these people feel thoroughly ashamed!

In a flash his pants were off and he was atop her.

Jjs: In a flash, David turned into Sonic.

OMJ: Way to ruin HM05 and TM70 for me.

She squealed and struggled, afraid to fight back because he was, indeed, her trainer.

Jjs: Thanks for reminding us about that important detail during this “passionate” session. David wants you to know that this is indeed very uncomfortable.

OMJ: Maybe the formation of Team Plasma in Gen V was in response to this.

Her mind had a block in it, via years of training, years of believing he’d never harm her, that he was her best friend. He ran a hand over her leafy posterior.

Wumbo: “It was like fucking an iceberg lettuce head.”

A probing finger slipped in between, finding a hole. He knew little of the Gardevoir anatomy,

Jjs: David sure was ahead of his time poking fun at fans like this.

OMJ: Evidently.

but knew that any hole would work.

Jjs: Good thing Diglet and Dugtrio aren’t involved here.

OMJ: Something tells me this guy would get overly excited at the sight of an Ultra Wormhole.

He plunged his rock hard cock deep inside of her anus. It was white hot.

OMJ: So he’s saying his dick is Coalossal?

Wumbo: Burn it off! Burn it off!

A wave of pleasure washed over him before the first stroke.

Wumbo: Believe me, this is not the first stroke I’ve had from reading this.

Gardevoir screamed in pain, her precious anus being pulled to four times its natural size. With each thrust she screamed louder, but David couldn’t hear it.

Jjs: David must have the Soundproof ability.

OMJ: I pray this guy doesn’t have any Throat Spray.

Wumbo: chatgpt prompt: pokemon reference + i wanna die

The crevasse formed tightly over his shaft, gripping harder than his fist ever could. Before long he finally came, filling her sphincter with his seed.

Wumbo: SEED BOMB oh god kill me

White mixed with black blood as he pulled out.

OMJ: …ya know, maybe Gen V as a whole was made in response to this.

Blood and feces dribbled out.

Jjs: Probably not the time to ask this, but is the “threatening tree” still watching? Because there’s an eye witness.

OMJ: Trevenant, use Foul Play!

The sight of Gardevoir laying there, whimping, smeared with mud, blood, cum, and her own feces unlocked something deep within David’s soul. His heart soared at the sight. It felt so good! It was like he finally discovered his place in the world.

Jjs: Sounds about as unpleasant to look at as Scarlet and Violet’s overworld design.

OMJ: “It was like GameFreak found their inspiration for HeartGold and SoulSilver.”

Wumbo: what a terrible day to have eyes

While his spirit had become free, however, his mind quivered under the weight of his actions, struggling to block these memories from existence, enabling his attack. His mouth lowered in primal instinct, extending his pink tongue. He lapped up her blood and shit, using pruned fingers to smother himself. It was beautiful. The bitter taste of her poop, and the coppery taste of her blood was like magic to him.

Jjs: Alright, I got nothing witty here, I’m way too sober for this. *grabs the Jersey weed from my items pocket*

OMJ: What the fuck did you reel me into, jjs

“Gardevvv…” she moaned, hands digging into the dirt.

Jjs: Gardevoir doesn’t have Pickup!

She wept. How could she do this to him? Pain was splitting her because of him.

Jjs: This scenario is already freaky enough, let’s not bring moves into it. Knowing Dave though, he probably rolls that way.

He said he’d never hurt her, though… maybe he wasn’t? Maybe this was Fine…

Jjs: No, it is not Fine.

OMJ: This is like an infinitely more fucked up version of Charmander’s debut episode.

Wumbo: Someone needs to get fined, or heavy jail time, for all this.

He flipped her bleeding, limp body over. His mouth met hers, lashing about inside of her toothed maw. He kissed hard and deep as he carefully fit his shitty dick into her pokevagina.

Jjs: More like his shitty pokédick, am I right?

OMJ: Well he certainly is a shitty dick.

The head slid in easily and she whimpered. With a deft hand he massaged her clitoris. She tried to pull back to cry out but he pushed into her harder. She screamed into his mouth. The vibrations filled him in ecstasy. He violently penetrated her and wave after wave of pleasure engulfed them both. It was beyond the realm of human understanding.

Jjs: First accurate statement in this. I don’t think any drug in the world could make me comprehend or sympathize with David’s sexual fantasies.

OMJ: I was just kidding with the whole Quagmire pic earlier.

Collapsing universes whirled about them, being born and dying in an eternal, idiot firestorm.

Jjs: Idiot Firestorm should be a future move name.

OMJ: So the ending sequence of The Flash then?

Wumbo: He’s raping his pokemon its not that fucking deep

As he came again he thrust harder, forcing as much of himself in as he could. His penis crashed into her cervix and she let out a blood curdling scream, clawed hands digging into his flesh. David didn’t like that at all.

Jjs: 

OMJ: Aw, does Davey want kissy kissy on his boo boo? I better not give him any ideas.

No, she wasn’t allowed to injure him. He drove his bleaching fist into her mouth.

OMJ: I need a bleaching fist for both my eyes.

There was a crunch and black syrup welled up in her mouth and eyes.

Jjs: I guess I didn’t do my proper Gardevoir anatomy research either because today I learned there’s “black syrup” in them.

OMJ: Stop ruining Gen V for me!

She gurgled, and he smiled gleefully. Disengaged from her mangled secret, he crawled up to her face. Lifting her broken head he plunged his dick into her wounded mouth.

Jjs: Arceusdamn, how much HP does this Gardevoir have?

OMJ: No! I was kidding about the Throat Spray earlier!

Wumbo: I used to be happy

Gardevoir could take no more. She gave himself over to him.

OMJ: Ya know, Gardevoir randomly switching over to Gallade, living up to its HG/SS Dex entry, and beating David’s ass into the fucking dirt would be the best possible ending right now.

He was her master. She would please him any way she could and never make another whimper in reply. She suckled on his piece as he pulled it in and out.

Jjs: I didn’t realize David had a gun, and now that makes me wonder what would happen if 4Kids dubbed this story.

OMJ: It would probably involve a lot of fingering and handjobs. And jelly donuts.

Wumbo: Black syrup filled donuts at this rate

Cracked lips smothered him, teasing glands and glans.

OMJ: Did The Weeknd write this?

Wumbo: If he did, we’ve finally found something more embarrassing than The Idol.

He gripped her arms, squeezing tighter. More pain roared through her and she sucked harder. She gagged, puking a little. The bile stung him, so he drove another fist into her eye.

Jjs: Gonna take some Miracle Eye to heal that.

OMJ: No, I wanted that to happen to ME.

Through the pain she sucked and finally he came. As he did, his mind cracked a little more.

Jjs: You could say that was beyond the realm of human understanding.

OMJ: I fear that the longer this goes on, the more he becomes a Psyduck.

Wumbo: IT WASNT FUCKING CRACKED ENOUGH ALREADY

He gripped her head, forcing his cock into the back of her throat. She vomited again, squirting half-digest plant matter all over both of them and he lashed her.

OMJ: This guy really doesn’t know much about Gardevoir anatomy judging from all the plant implications.

Her tiny bones splintered under his blows and he came harder at her destruction.

Jjs: I can buy no other trainers being out here, but not one wild creature stumbled upon this scene?

OMJ: Easter egg time! Count all the times you see rustling grass as this is going on.

Wumbo: So anyway, kids, this is what not to do with your Pokemon!

Weeks later David finally found himself at Cerulean city. Gardevoir wasn’t looking very good.

Jjs: After her supposed “destruction”, I’m surprised she’s even alive. Also, how the hell did it take him weeks to get to Cerulean City? This guy sucks at navigating Kanto.

OMJ: Inb4 somebody “gets wet."

She didn’t respond to vocal stimuli and couldn’t see out of the eye he caved in, but he felt no remorse for it. Even so; he felt glad. She was mentally broken. His attack had
transformed her into the perfect sex slave:

Jjs: If that was his master plan, then why did it seem like he wanted to kill her? Unless he also rolls with necrophilia.

OMJ: I pray to Arceus he doesn’t find Lavender Town.

Wumbo: Yeah, definitely keep this guy away from any real women.

when he moved his cock near her she would tilt her head, trying to find it, just as a baby searches for a nipple and automatically begins suckling.

Wumbo: Oh good! This shit wasn’t depraved enough, let’s bring BABIES into it now.

She was infected, though. Mold grew upon her anus and wounded eye. Her vagina was yellow with infection, discharging constantly. She wouldn’t make it another day.

Jjs: How she even survived the past several weeks is beyond my human understanding.

OMJ: So they’re going from town to town, him proudly doing this shit out in the open, him making no effort to hide Gardevoir’s injuries and infections, and no Officer Jennys around to see all that shit?!

David rushed to the pokemon center, Gardevoir in his arms.

Jjs: I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT

OMJ:

He came up to the reception desk and there was Nurse Joy. Her eyes first when to David’s dumb smiling face,

David: Helloooooo Nurse!

OMJ: Brings the term “shit-eating grin” to a whole new level.

but then down to the pokemon in his arms and she gasped.

“What happened?!” she said, stroking Gardevoir’s hair with the gentleness of a mother.

Jjs: Just a silly battle that went off the rails, it happens.

OMJ: The failure of the pokèsystem, that’s what happened.

David: “I raped and beat my Pokemon bloody. I’m the protagonist of this story!”

“I’m not exactly sure,” he muttered coldly, “I found her like this out in the forest,”

Jjs: I sure hope that threatening tree comes back into play and exposes his lying ass!

OMJ: Arceusdammit! At the time this was written, he would have the perfect cover since Viridian Forest is full of bugs!

tears formed in Joy’s eyes and she scooped the poor pokemon up, taking her over to the rejuvenation chamber for dying pokemon in another room.

Wumbo: At this point, put the thing out of her misery. Don’t you nurses have an oath?

After flipping the switch the chamber filled with gases, obscuring outside eyes.

Jjs: Hopefully not Poison Gas.

OMJ: What is this, Dragon Ball Z?

Joy didn’t mind that David had followed her in and closed the door, she was too busy studying a complicated-looking readout now appearing on a computer screen.

Jjs: With how many injuries that Gardevoir sustained, it probably reads like rocket science, which in turn happens to be a subtle connection to how David could be a Team Rocket member! May as well go out with the Kanto pandering and only they could be this cruel to a mon.

She bent over low as she typed slowly, a complete novice with computers it appeared,

OMJ: I bet she presses the keys with just her index fingers too, huh

Wumbo: WOMEN, am I right?

and as she did her skirt teased her thick ass. Her thigh highs squeezed her legs delightfully. She was a delicious woman, and David would have no problem finding out just how delicious she was.

Jjs: This part was ghostwritten by Brock.

OMJ: Whoa there, Hannibal.

He slid up next to her. “How does it look, nurse?” he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Not very good, I’m afraid the rejuvenation chamber won’t be enough for–”

Jjs: Sounds like we'll need to bring in the best Nurse Joys across every region.

“No, not the pokemon. Your cunt.”

Jjs: For all you aspiring Brocks out there, take a page out of David’s book!

OMJ: Guaranteed to work on any Nurse Joy cosplayer you happen to see.

At this the nurse spun around. A hurt look flashed across her face and she bit her lip.

OMJ: Then you should probably stop biting your lip. Jeez, you’re the medical professional here, not me.

She was exactly sure how to handle this situation. It was true that she was constantly horny.

Jjs: Like most Pokémon fans. 

OMJ: What, did someone spread a rumor around like “hey, you know that Nurse Joy in Cerulean City? She’s always thirsty!”

Wumbo: Incel, use Cope!

She never had time for anything outside of the hospital. Her cunt tingled at the prospect of being split. She eyed the door. Should she run? Should she have sex with this complete stranger?

Jjs: “Complete stranger” is an odd way to describe the door. It’s likely more trustworthy than this David asshole.

Wumbo: Yeah, the problem isn’t that he’s sexually harassing you, it’s that you don’t know the guy! If it was Fred from across the way it would be fine.

OMJ: I guess Brock from Pewter City is the only guy worthy of a hard pass from her.

“He seems dangerous…” she though,

OMJ: What was your first clue? His aggressive advances or the absolute state that Gardevoir was in when he brought it into your care?

but as she did her thighs pressed against themselves, pinching her slowly enlarging clitoris.

David’s hands began to unbutton her blouse, revealing a polkadotted bra clasping two melon-sied breasts.

Jjs: You mean Pokédotted.

OMJ: Something tells me this guy has a thing for circles. Everyone hide your Voltorbs, Marrills, Jigglypuffs, Poliwags, Wooloos, Spheals etc.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the office,” she said with as much courage as she could muster, but didn’t stop him. He pushed her up against the computer terminal and mouthed her nipples.

Jjs: Weirdest hook up spot ever.

OMJ: Nobody tell them about Cerulean Cave. Wait, Mewtwo would probably shut their shit down real quick. Please DO tell them about Cerulean Cave.

She gasped as he bit one, teasing it with his tongue. He sucked on it and she lurched, not noticing her hands slide down to his hips. He lifted her and placed her upon the desk. Her legs spread and she leaned back, forgetting that she was on the rag, and gave herself to him.

OMJ: Oh great, what color will the blood be this time? Mauve?

He lowered himself to a knee, ripping off her clashing blue underwear and explosing her rosy, dripping hole. He gently tugged on the string sticking out, drawing a blood-soaked tampon out. It fell to the floor and thick chunks began to seep out. She burned for him, for this complete stranger.

Jjs: Probably not the time to ask, but is there anybody else in the lobby waiting to heal their Pokémon?

Wumbo: I think we’re all going to need serious healing after this.

OMJ: She needs a Burn Heal, stat!

His fingers moved into her, rubbing the rough spot just inside the warm tunnel. his red tongue slathered her clit. He sucked on it and hummed. A dizzy, buzzing feeling filled her head and she began bucking, screaming in pleasure. Soon her screams of pleasure became those of pain as he forced three fingers into her tight pussy. She hadn’t been with a man in so long..

Jjs: Poor Brock.

OMJ: You’d think that wouldn’t be the case with all the absentee fathers gallivanting around in the Pokemon world.

Wumbo: The other Nurse Joy in Viridian meanwhile plows through like 8 guys a week.

“No, please..” she gasped as her vagina slowly spread and grew used to the probing digits.

Jjs: We get it, Pokémon fans are nerds! David had quite the contempt for the fanbase, which to be fair, I don't blame him. 

He inserted another finger and she gasped. This time her cunt burned in protest, showing no signs of widening.

OMJ: So are his fingers storming her capitol?

Wumbo: Okay, does she have a venereal disease here? Would be at least some kind of comeuppance to this awful person.

She squeaked.

OMJ:

He forced another finger in and soon he was fisting her, plunging his large, manly hands

OMJ: Right, gotcha

in as far as they would go, spreading her wider. Filling her.

Jjs: Nothing beats a jelly filled-

OMJ: You can say he “filled her with Joy!”

“Moooree,” she growled through clenched teeth, thick streams of saliva going down her cheeks, “FUCK ME HARDER YOU PEACE OF SHIT.”

Jjs: Allll we are sayinnggg is, give peace of shit a chance!

OMJ: He cums in peace.

David didn’t like this however, and punched her in the gut.

Jjs: I hope those fancy inventors craft an anti-David Repel for Pokémon and women.

OMJ: Stuff his ass into a GS Ball too while they’re at it.

She lurched forward and gasped. But then, weighing how much fun he was having with being told what to do, he decided to insert his next fist. Her tendons popped and squeaked

OMJ:

as he forced the other one inside slowly. Her cleft opened wider, and wider still.

OMJ: 

She screamed in pain and pleasure until her throat bled almost as much as her cunt. Blood streamed down his arms, mixing with her cum until his shirt and the floor were soaked.

Jjs: I feel bad for the Chansey that has to clean that up.

Wumbo: I just feel bad

OMJ: Knowing this guy, this would happen 

There was a knock at the door, followed by the turning of a handle.

OMJ: OH SNAP, I KNEW IT!

In strode the doctor the nurse had called for earlier. Her father. He stopped, shocked at the situation that unfolded in front of him.

Jjs: My biggest shock is that someone other than Nurse Joy or Chansey works at Poké Centers!

Wumbo: This is highly unorthodox!

Dr. Joy: Mind if I HM01 in?!

“W-What are you,

Wumbo: Actually, you can probably just stop the question there. He ain’t human.

what are you doing to my little girl?” he murmured.

“Shut the fuck up you old bastard and get the fuck over here, her mouth isn’t going to fuck itself!” David shouted, forcing his voice above that of nurse Joy’s.

Jjs: David commanding Mr. Joy as if he’s a Pokémon too, I get the symbolism.

Wumbo: In-laws, am I right?

OMJ: Ya know the “Cut in” thing was just a joke, right

She was horrified that her father had walked in on this, horrified at all the blood and what she had been coerced into, but she couldn’t stop. Lust raged inside of her, overtaking all other motor functions.

OMJ: Despite all her rage, she is still about to suck off daddy

“Fuck me, daddy,” she said, grinning a bloody smile. Her pleading eyes met his and before she knew it, her father’s wrinkly, liver-spotted dick was in her mouth.

Jjs: It’s not an infamous erotica story without good old fashioned incest in there too. I knew David was missing one ingredient from this masterpiece.

Wumbo: Again, are they all just trading various venereal diseases with each other? Mental afflictions as well, clearly.

Dr. Joy: I’m so old, I’ve got hairs growing out of the wrinkles in my liver spots!

The doctor fucked her from the opposite side of the table. Her young tongue slid over the top of his dick, teasing the helmet.

Wumbo: Shelmet?

Dr. Joy: Gotta Karrablast!

He bucked wildly, shakily. He had not had sex since his wife had died ten years ago,

OMJ: My condolences.

and sometimes had dreams about his daughter.

Jjs: Unexpected Joy family lore.

OMJ: Okay, I take that back.

He tried to ignore them, push them to the back of his mind. But he could never help his sick fantasies. Sometimes he’d “accidentally” walk in on her dressing or showering,

OMJ: Ok we don’t need to know the nitty gritty of Team Incest’s origin story

Jjs: Sounds like how people claim to have “accidentally” stumbled upon this story. Believe me, you don’t accidentally find this peace of shit.

and would think about it later that night as he choked himself and petted his shriveling member.

Wumbo: Yeah, choke yourself a little bit harder there, daddy.

OMJ: So he’s the reason why all the Fossil Pokémon died out.

David began to grow bored, his maniacal, slowly-splintering mind needed more horror to satiate it.

Jjs: Fascinating, more insight into the author’s thought process.

OMJ: Then get a Shudder subscription, PokéJesus H. Christmon

It was a curse, but one he enjoyed. He drew one hand out of her weeping puss, much to her protest.

Jjs: “Weeping Puss” happens to be the pornographic variant of Weepinbell.

OMJ: James weeps.

With the other he gripped her cervix and twisted. Pain cut her and she clenched her teeth and moaned, cleanly chopping her father’s dick off as he came.

Jjs: Didn’t know Nurse Joy learned Crunch.

OMJ: It lowered her dad’s D…fense…!

Wumbo: It’s like Rube Goldberg Machine meets Human Centipede!

The doctor fell backwards and the nurse sat up straight. Her vision blurred from the pain, but she was just barely able to see what David was doing. He had drawn a knife out of his pocked and driven it into his urethra.

Jjs: Poké Centers need to improve their security if David could sneak a knife in there. Yes, that’s my biggest takeaway here.

OMJ: URETHRA! I think he’s broken his urethra!

His cock opened wide and he screamed, but kept pushing hard, down into his ballsack. Blood gushed forward and he puked, bile adding to the horrendous pain, but he couldn’t stop. Slowly memories of him and Gardevoir flooded back, all the fun they had back home.

Jjs: Define “home.”

Wumbo: Define “fun.”

OMJ: I shudder to think what they and his mom do when he goes back home to save his game.

Memories of his mother and father, how they wanted him to succeed.

Wumbo: “Son, we said ‘succeed’, not ‘suck seed’!”

OMJ: He should definitely lose his TM09 privileges.

They wanted him to come home,

Jjs: Trust us, they’re better off not seeing him again.

Wumbo: And the world would be better off if he never came anywhere ever again.

OMJ: Is this what inspired MeatCanyon to make Wabbit Season?

to spend time with their baby boy. Of his first love, the girl he never got over. Her name was Misty.

Jjs: At this point I seriously think the author has been going down his Pokégirl fantasy list.

OMJ: I’m more than sure this guy thought Misty’s Song was about him.

She wanted to see him again, she had sent him a letter only a month earlier saying she wanted to be with him again, that nothing felt the same without him. What was he doing here?

Jjs: You were trying to heal your Gardevoir originally, but it’s okay, I’ve forgotten what the fuck is going on by this point too.

OMJ: Everybody and everything but Misty, evidently.

Wumbo: THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE

THIS IS NOT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE

He couldn’t stop his hands, they moved on their own, twisting out Joy’s cervix, bit by bit, and slitting his genitals.

David: Officer Jenny, Giratina made me do it!

At last the leathery bag was open. They gripped his testicles and pried them out, forcing them into his mouth.

Jjs: Can MissingNo appear and kill them already, it’d make as much sense as everything else here.

Wumbo: I can’t even keep track of what’s happening to who here. Which, I kind of like better to be honest. More vagueness, please!

OMJ: Trubbish is doing WHAT now?!

All three parties bled to death. It was in the news the next day.

Jjs: Thank Arceus. I presume it didn’t take Officer Jenny much work to figure out what happened.

Wumbo: It was all that hussy Nurse Joy’s fault

OMJ: Come on, GameFreak, make this a rare easter egg for when you interact with TVs in Gen 10.

The Gardevoir recovered, but was forever in a tortured state of slavery.

Jjs: After everything she went through in this story, I’d stick to the wild and never interact with another human.

Wumbo: I wouldn’t really count that as “recovered”, but I guess this is the closest we get to a happy ending? And not that kind of happy ending, if you please.

OMJ: I’m sure any daycare couple would be happy to have her.

Misty shook as she read it. She wept and her mind grew jaded and hateful. She was alone in the world now. Nobody she loved. Nothing. Alone.

Jjs: Ash and Misty shippers in shambles.

Wumbo: Well, if you’re of the same perverted persuasions as your man, don’t let a little thing like DEATH stand between you and a good time!

That’s what this was missing, right? Necrophilia? I’ll never be clean

OMJ: I imagine that in this darkest of timelines, David went and got her bike pregnant.

She drew a pokeball from her belt and opened it. Staryu appeared next to her.

“Staryu,” she blushed, and looked at him through teary eyes, “would you do anything for me?”

Jjs: Whoever out there wanted Misty on Staryu action, here you go, I guess.

Wumbo: HEYEAH

OMJ: N wasn’t wrong.

“Starr,” he echoed.

OMJ: Hey, that doesn’t sound like  “HEYEAH” at all! 

Her cunt burned.

Wumbo: Again, see a doctor, please! Maybe several doctors.

OMJ: 

She needed it…

Jjs: 

fin.

Jjs: I have to say: this was an utter disappointment, like most of the games nowadays. Most Pokémon fans are deviants who want to fuck their Gardevoirs! What the hell makes this guy’s story so special it was worth this much hubbub? I can’t believe I wasted so much time tracking down a bunch of bullshit! I’m especially pissed that the threatening tree meant jack shit, what a waste of setup! I felt nothing otherworldly happening to my life or games after reading this. This gives Taco Bell a run for its money in being the worst tale we've riffed, I wish it had actually been banned. David Garrett’s whereabouts today are completely unknown, but I sure fuckin’ hope he stays as far away as possible from any women and Pokemon.

For our final riff, we’ll be taking a look at the most infamous creepypasta of all time. Anything has to be better than this, I know that much.

Wumbo: man remember when we riffed on the nostalgia critic

OMJ: me taking this to the bottom of the Mariana Trench like

 

[WhoBibbles]

 

[Danny DeVito]

this is the sonic generations of sbc

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode X: Squidward's Suicide

(Warning: Disturbing imagery and graphic violence. Viewer discretion is advised.)

Spoiler

Jjs: To conclude Tales from the Internet, we’re going to the top of the iceberg chart and riffing the most infamous creepypasta of all time. Of course, it’s one that needs no introduction: Squidward’s Suicide (or sometimes known as Red Mist if you're a nerd) is a name that anyone will instantly recognize, even if they somehow haven’t seen SpongeBob. Which sounds impossible but I’m sure there's an unlucky sap out there. Unlike the others, I won’t be giving you the backstory because we’re riffing the backstory! There’s no better way to end this haunting ride. Riffing crew, it’s been an honor to work with you again one last time, so let’s give this our best shot!

Jjs: Including the iconic title card to really set the mood.

OMJ: It’s always the happy ones you would never expect.

WhoBob: Guys, it’s gonna be okayward after what we have been through with these riffs. I’m so honored to be a part of the final riffing theater episode. I just hope I don’t get traumatized after riffing this.

Wumbo: Too bad this didn’t kill me.

Ex: Ending this season of riffs with a true story is a daring prospect. Let’s do this shit.

I just want to start off by saying if you want an answer at the end, prepare to be disappointed. There just isn't one.

Jjs: What, are we gonna cut to black-

OMJ: If I wanted to be disappointed, I would much rather get disappointed on my own accord, thank you very much.

WhoBob: Not sure how I feel about being told this has an open ending, will we see potential sequels from it?

Wumbo: 1924?

I was an intern at Nickelodeon Studios for a year in 2005 for my degree in animation.

Jjs: The fact they didn’t say their uncle was an intern at Nickelodeon Studios should confirm the authenticity of this testimony.

OMJ: Oh shit, is this the guy from U-Pick Live who would always run the videotapes to the control room?

WhoBob: I thought we were here to read about Squidward’s suicide, not some intern’s Canon Event.

Ex: Wait, so was I... Did I write this?

It wasn't paid of course, most internships aren't, but it did have some perks beyond education. To adults it might not seem like a big one, but most kids at the time would shit themselves over it.

Jjs: Oh no, is this going to serve as an origin story for the SpongeBob Brazilian Defecation Broadcast too?

OMJ: Then those kids’ parents should’ve probably gotten that checked. Spontaneous soiling of one’s pantaloons is no laughing matter. Which is why all proceeds from my portion of this final riff shall be pledged to the More Than Just Ants In Your Pants Foundation, a charity non-profit dedicated to providing fresh, clean pants to anyone in need at a moment’s notice.

WhoBob: Unpaid interns? Damn, maybe they should strike along with writers and actors atm.

Wumbo: I'm already pissing and shitting and farting all over.

Now, since I worked directly with the editors and animators, I got to view the new episodes days before they aired.

OMJ: Just rub it in my 12-year old face why dontcha.

WhoBob: Why are you telling us that you didn’t even leak the damn episodes for viewers who had to sit through constant delays?

Ex: Showing unpaid interns full episodes before release date? Maybe they should’ve called this story “Financial Suicide” waka waka!

I'll get right to it without giving too many unnecessary details.

Jjs: *Nickelodeon snipers looking on from the distance*

OMJ: Does Pick Boy have to go Homelander on your pickin’ ass?

WhoBob: Yes, please tell us, so we can get to Squidward’s Suicide.

Wumbo: It’s too late for that, Mr. Let Me Explain What an Internship Is.

They had very recently made the SpongeBob movie and the entire staff was somewhat sapped of creativity so it took them longer to start up the season.

Jjs: I guess he didn’t get the memo about who didn’t make the post-movie transition. Or maybe this is an alternate timeline where they all stayed aboard.

OMJ: Maybe this is the alternate timeline where Sandy Cheeks died in a car accident when she is just a younger squirrel.

WhoBob: This is the part where we say they should have ended the run after the movie.

Wumbo: Epic roast of post movie sponged bob!!!

Ex: *mid 2000s voice* Sapped of creativity? Ha, that explains the post-movie era! I am very smart.

But the delay lasted longer for more upsetting reasons. There was a problem with the series 4 premiere that set everyone and everything back for several months.

Jjs: He’s really using “series” like we’re in the UK. Maybe this intern is Br*tish!

OMJ: I’d need a cigarette break if I paused this at the right moment too.

WhoBob: Nick being incompetent in 2005 is the least surprising thing about this story so far.

Wumbo: They HAD to get back those swollen maggie daddies!!

Me and two other interns were in the editing room along with the lead animators and sound editors for the final cut. We received the copy that was supposed to be "Fear of a Krabby Patty" and gathered around the screen to watch.

Jjs: 

OMJ: 

WhoBob: And you didn’t invite us to it? Shame on you.

Ex: I’m still fascinated by these unpaid intern slumber parties in places like the editing room. It’s like letting 2nd graders review the curriculum for the year, as a treat.

Now, given that it isn't final yet animators often put up a mock title card, sort of an inside joke for us, with phony, often times lewd titles, such as "How sex doesn't work" instead of "Rock-a-bye-Bivalve" when SpongeBob and Patrick adopt a sea scallop.

Jjs: Can confirm that’s how the animation process works.

OMJ: CANCELED

WhoBob: Homophobia in the 00s somehow isn’t too far off from the current climate.

Wumbo: Squid Gets Mauled mystery solved

Ex: I’m trying not to get stunlocked on the worldbuilding details of “Squidward’s Suicide” but that mock title isn’t clever, or even a joke.

Nothing particularly funny but work related chuckles.

OMJ: Some people were just hard to impress back then.

WhoBob:

So when we saw the title card "Squidward's Suicide" we didn't think it more than a morbid joke.

OMJ: It’s morbid time!

Jjs: Now that I think about it, Squidward’s Suicide would make a good early title for Good Neighbors, and the timeline adds up, so maybe he was meant to see an early version of that instead.

WhoBob: Squidward’s security system takes control of Squidward’s body and makes him kill himself.

Wumbo: He just couldn’t seem to get happy.

Ex: Hilarious. Depressed octopi are the backbone to every good joke.

One of the interns did a small throat laugh at it.

Jjs: dahahahaha oh Squidward!

OMJ: The sweet sound of someone desperately trying to keep their internship.

WhoBob: I hope the internship had health insurance to cover for the small throat injury.

Wumbo: I prefer the large esophagus laugh, thanks.

The happy-go-lucky music plays as is normal. The story began with Squidward practicing his clarinet, hitting a few sour notes like normal.

Jjs: Hopefully he doesn’t hit the brown note.

OMJ:  I GET IT NOW

WhoBob: That’s supposed to be normal? Man’s in agony.

We hear SpongeBob laughing outside and Squidward stops, yelling at him to keep it down as he has a concert that night and needs to practice.

Jjs: Concert where, exactly? The Living Without a Brain Seminar?

OMJ: I’ve heard better concerts from a turkey sandwich.

WhoBob: 

Wumbo: AAAAALLLL Together!

SpongeBob says okay and goes to see Sandy with Patrick.

WhoBob: Happy to see SpongeBob respecting Squidward’s boundaries. This makes me curious more that what could cause Squidward to end his life?

Wumbo: Clearly he always had an affinity for the lil sausage.

Ex: What a nice square-shaped man. Maybe this story has a happy ending after all!

The bubbles splash screen comes up and we see the ending of Squidward's concert. This is when things began to seem off.

Jjs: If Squidward played his music without anyone plugging their ears, then I agree that’d be my tip off that something certainly seems off.

OMJ: It was already suspect the moment I heard someone actually booked him.

WhoBob: The “off” thing is that he’s gonna off himself.

Wumbo: Maybe his big fucking nose is off center.

While playing, a few frames repeat themselves, but the sound doesn't (at this point sound is synced up with animation, so, yes, that's not common)

Jjs: You know, this know-it-at-all attitude for a job you just started is why some interns don’t get respect.

OMJ: Just get to the part where the guy gets hit in the head with a coconut already.

WhoBob: An actual devastating way for Squidward to kill himself would be hitting his head with a coconut.

but when he stops playing, the sound finishes as if the skip never happened. There is slight murmuring in the crowd before they begin to boo him. Not normal cartoon booing that is common in the show, but you could very clearly hear malice in it.

Jjs: This clearly implies the “BOO YOU STINK!” guy would’ve returned with a vengeance!

OMJ: It’s almost like they went the extra mile to record their own booing in the studio.

WhoBob: If it’s not cartoon booing, then we are in some serious trouble.

Wumbo: As opposed to non-malicious booing.

Ex: Damn, this booing has emotion behind it...almost like it was done by actors or something. This can’t be right.

Squidward's in full frame and looks visibly afraid. The shot goes to the crowd, with SpongeBob in center frame, and he too is booing, very much unlike him.

OMJ: Yeah, he’d just hijack the whole performance by mopping or some other Bugs and Daffy shit.

WhoBob: Very much unlike him, is there a chance SpongeBob got replaced by an AI version of himself?

Wumbo: I AM SPONGETRON.

That isn't the oddest thing, though.

Jjs: The oddest thing is that Squidward still isn’t wearing pants at the concert.

OMJ: The concert hall will ooze GREEN SLIME!

WhoBob: More like black ink. UwU

Wumbo: And that’s how Squidward’s Suicide became Ink Lemonade, transferring Squidward’s desire to kill himself onto us!

What is odd is everyone had hyper realistic eyes. Very detailed. Clearly not shots of real people's eyes, but something a bit more real than CGI. The pupils were red.

Jjs: 

OMJ: Sounds like they were ahead of the curve on that AI generated tip

WhoBob: This episode walked, so DALL-E could run.

Ex: What is this magical invention in-between real life and CGI?

Some of us looked at each other, obviously confused, but since we weren't the writers, we didn't question its appeal to children yet.

Jjs: Now this is sounding like an expose documentary of the post-movie era.

OMJ: I mean, kids all have hyper realistic eyes technically, right

WhoBob: #PaulTibbitCancelledParty

Wumbo: Kids these days, into the Tik Toks and Malicious SpongeBobs and glowing red eyes! Hmm, it seems I forgot to write a joke here.

Ex: Surely the adults in the room know that Real-But-Not-Too-Real eyes are all the rage with kids!

The shot goes to Squidward sitting on the edge of his bed, looking very forlorn.

Jjs: Nice one-off vocabulary diversity, we’re going full circle with Spooge Boob!

OMJ: He’s sitting on the edge of the bed to symbolize how he’s currently teetering on the brink. Like reading poetry in motion.

WhoBob: Forget about this subject matter being appealing to kids, who the fuck would think of the word “forlorn?" That’s what I would like to question.

Wumbo: It’s a typo. This episode is actually dedicated to a guy named Lorne. Who’s a freak.

Ex: Nice try intern, but smart words aren’t going to get you a paycheck.

The view out of his porthole window is of a night sky so it isn't very long after the concert. The unsettling part is at this point there is no sound. Literally no sound.

Jjs: I wouldn’t worry, could just be the crew experimenting for their big return. Maybe this was intended to be the Revolution 9 of SpongeBob.

OMJ: I wanna look out of Squidward’s porthole.

WhoBob: Man, even the cricket hated the music to not make a sound.

Wumbo: Not a creature was stirring, not even a sea urchin.

Not even the feedback from the speakers in the room. It's as if the speakers were turned off, though their status showed them working perfectly.

Jjs: But who was flickering the lights?

Wumbo: NOSFERATU!!!

Studio Speakers: Walk out the door and you see interns that you know and they ask you how you are, and you just have to say that you’re working perfectly fine and you’re not really working perfectly fine, but you just can’t get into it because they would never understand.

WhoBob: I would like a spin-off episode answering who turned off the speakers.

He just sat there, blinking, in this silence for about 30 seconds, then he started to sob softly.

Jjs: He’s just sitting and sobbing there…menacingly!

OMJ: What a baby.

WhoBob: That’s just a normal Tuesday for Squidward.

Wumbo: And then Hawaiian Cocktail starts to play?

Ex: You watched an animation of this man blinking for 30 seconds, with no sound, and still didn’t question the writers? I guess you know what they say about a frog in a pot of hot water...

He put his hands (tentacles)

Jjs: Thanks for the clarification, here I thought he would be using his testicles or tennis balls instead.

OMJ: Avid hentai viewers know where this is going. It all comes full circle with my hentai crack during Spooge Bob. I’ve completed my arc for this miniseries!

WhoBob: Please stop showing us Squidward’s tentacles, there are children watching this cartoon.

Wumbo: If I'm lucky, he’ll rub them on my art next.

over his eyes and cried quietly for a full minute more, all the while a sound in the background very slowly growing from nothing to barely audible. It sounded like a slight breeze through a forest.

Jjs: Are we gonna bring Mothman into this now?

OMJ: Is that supposed to symbolize Squidward entering the Aokigahara forest in Japan?

WhoBob: Only Logan Paul would know.

Wumbo: Sorry, you must have gotten the footage mixed up with SpongeBob and the Great Wind, another fascinating tale.

The screen slowly begins to zoom in on his face.

Jjs:

OMJ: Nice place Squid’s got here. Nice enough to not throw away after one bad concert experience.

WhoBob: *zooms in* KISSY FACE!!!

Wumbo: On Strike… With SpongeBob… FOREVER?!

Ex: This would make a great emote for my discord server.

By slow I mean it's only noticeable if you look at shots 10 seconds apart side by side.

OMJ: Yeah I’m not gonna do that.

Jjs: With the bizarre studio hijinks and specific use of the number 10, I’m gonna theorize this guy was actually trying to warn us about Nick Studio 10. Nick did it!

WhoBob: I’ll look at shots If you pay me, intern but then again, you don’t get paid to pay me.

Wumbo: Wait, that fucking slow? God, kill me instead.

Ex: Why would I do that? I’m not some unpaid intern.

His sobbing gets louder, more full of hurt and anger.

OMJ:

WhoBob: Me as I continue to read this tale.

Wumbo: SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN SOME ANGRY WHITE BOY MUSIC, STAT

The screen then twitches a bit, as if it twists in on itself, for a split second then back to normal.

Wumbo: Phew!

Ex: Thank heavens, for a second I thought this was going to get scary!

The wind-through-the-trees sound gets slowly louder and more severe, as if a storm is brewing somewhere.

Jjs: This predicted QAnon too? Everything really is connected!

OMJ: Then I wanna drink whatever that storm’s brewing. And a round for Mr. Squidward as well!

WhoBob: Storm from X-Men is coming to this story? I hope she can comfort Squidward.

The eerie part is this sound, and Squidward's sobbing, sounded real, as if the sound wasn't coming from the speakers but as if the speakers were holes the sound was coming through from the other side.

Ex: What?

OMJ: Nickelodeon Studios sounds like a super freaky place to work. 

WhoBob: The other side is hell I assume?

Wumbo: HOLES! HOLES!

As good as sound as the studio likes to have, they don't purchase the equipment to be that good to produce sound of that quality.

Jjs: I like how the sound is the guy’s smoking gun that there’s a larger conspiracy at play.

OMJ: So he’s saying they’re cheap. No wonder they’re called “Nickelodeon."

WhoBob: Mr. Krabs must be in charge of the whole studio.

Below the sound of the wind and sobbing, very faint, something sounded like laughing.

Jjs: Probably the aforementioned other intern doing that small throat laugh.

OMJ: dahahahaahaha dahahahahhaha dahahahahhahah! Like that?

WhoBob: That’s Squidward’s sleep paralysis demon laughing.

Wumbo: 

It came at odd intervals and never lasted more than a second so you had a hard time pinning it (we watched this show twice, so pardon me if things sound too specific but I've had time to think about them).

Jjs: Despite this footage being allegedly so disturbing and traumatizing, he still came back for sloppy seconds. Keep that in mind.

OMJ: He should’ve just married Squidward’s Suicide at that point.

Ex: Oh yeah? Well I watched SpongeBob more than twice, which makes me more qualified.

WhoBob: Well we aren’t here for your POV, we're here for the suicide.

Wumbo: Yeah, BRING ON THE SUICIDE!

…are we terrible people?

After 30 seconds of this, the screen blurred and twitched violently and something flashed over the screen, as if a single frame was replaced.

WhoBob: The Flash stole a frame from Squidward’s Suicide?

Wumbo:

The lead animation editor paused and rewound frame by frame. What we saw was horrible.

Jjs: 

WhoBob: SpongeBob’s Christmas party photo?

Wumbo: That Pokemon rape fantasy fanfic?

It was a still photo of a dead child.

Jjs: Sweet, now we’re doing a Dead Bart crossover!

OMJ: At least it wasn’t a moving photo of a dead child. That would’ve been really horrible.

WhoBob: Is this supposed to be Nick's version of Black Mirror?

Wumbo: They should have gone through with the episode before he died… OF anticipation.

Ex: I completely forgot about this part. The sound I made when I read this line was...like a slight breeze through a forest.

He couldn't have been more than 6. The face was mangled and bloodied, one eye dangling over his upturned face, popped. He was naked down to his underwear,

Wumbo: Props for the slightest amount of restraint, I guess?

his stomach crudely cut open and his entrails laying beside him. He was laying on some pavement that was probably a road.

Jjs: Probably a road but I’ll need to hear the area’s sound composition to be 100% sure.

OMJ: I knew Shallow Grave Road sounded sketch af.

WhoBob: We went from a fictional character’s suicide to an actual child murder real fast.

Wumbo: Forget the fanfic… where’s the road… road… road…

The most upsetting part was that there was a shadow of the photographer.

Jjs: This clearly indicates this is one big clever marketing stunt for Shadow the Hedgehog’s game which would release later that year!

OMJ: At least the pizza ain’t cold!

WhoBob: That’s him, officer. 

Ex: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that is absolutely NOT the most upsetting part of that photograph.

There was no crime tape, no evidence tags or markers, and the angle was completely off for a shot designed to be evidence. It would seem the photographer was the person responsible for the child's death.

Wumbo: Or the guy’s just really bad at his job?

WhoBob: Thanks for pointing that out, Intern Obvious!

We were of course mortified, but pressed on, hoping that it was just a sick joke.

Jjs: Well Mr. Funny Man…is this how you get your sick kicks!?

OMJ: What is this, The Boy and The Camera? Where the Cipsneed at?!

WhoBob: AND HE GETS TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER? 

Ex: Yeah man, what a joke!

The screen flipped back to Squidward, still sobbing, louder than before, and half body in frame.

Jjs: With the way this is worded, it makes the dead child photo sound like a Family Guy cutaway gag. There’s the only tie-in you’ll get to last year’s theater.

OMJ: I guess obtaining that dead kid photo must’ve cut into the animation budget for Squidwardo.

WhoBob: Where did his other half go?

Wumbo: Yeah, but did it have to be the bottom half?

Ex: Thank heavens, I almost forgot why we were here.

There was now what appeard to be blood running down his face from his eyes.

Jjs: Appeared to be, but could also be ketchup for all we know.

OMJ: What’s this guy talking about? They always do that.

WhoBob: Squidward needs to see an eye doctor.

The blood was also done in a hyper realistic style,

WhoBob: Realistic like them Snyder movies.

looking as if you touched it you'd get blood on your fingers.

WhoBob: I don’t have a bloody eyes fetish, that’s clearly you pal.

Ex: Doesn’t that make it blood? If i’d touch it and get blood on my fingers, that should make it blood. So just call it blood!!!

The wind sounded now as if it were that of a gale blowing through the forest; there were even snapping sounds of branches.

Jjs: Oh snap! Imagine this beautiful vivid artistic imagery!

OMJ: Squidward, watch out! Aokigahara is behind you!

Squidward: And…he’s right behind me, isn’t he?

The laughing, a deep baritone, lasting at longer intervals and coming more frequently.

OMJ:

Wumbo:

After about 20 seconds, the screen again twisted and showed a single frame photo.

Jjs: This intern honestly should’ve become a true crime detective. A true jack of all trades: Analyzing sounds, shadows and keeping precise counts of time. He's wasting his talents at Nickelodeon!

WhoBob: He’s more like an epitome of hardcore fans who overanalyze everything.

Wumbo: Hey. HEY! Using those feet pics infringes on my copyright!

Ex: AND WHAT THE HELL IS ON JOEY’S HEAD?

The editor was reluctant to go back, we all were, but he knew he had to.

Squidward: Hurry up with those disturbing photos, SpongeBob. It's after closing and I'd like to go home!

OMJ: What is this, Sinister? Where Bughuul at?!

WhoBob: Maybe just go back to Squidward’s Suicide?

Wumbo: Or you could just… turn it off! Story over? Please?

This time the photo was that of what appeared to be a little girl, no older than the first child. She was laying on her stomach, her barrettes in a pool of blood next to her. Her left eye was too popped out and popped,

Wumbo: Too popped out I get, you gotta add in the drama, but POPPED as well?! Oh no, now you’ve gone too far mister!

naked except for underpants.

Wumbo: Again, I guess there’s literally one way this could be worse.

Her entrails were piled on top of her above another crude cut along her back. Again the body was on the street and the photographer's shadow was visible, very similar in size and shape to the first.

Jjs: The intern’s about to go on a Pepe Silvia tangent analyzing this mysterious shadow and tying together subtly hidden clues from past episodes toward the photographer's identity.

OMJ: This is either the worst or greatest serial killer of our time. Gutting a little girl on a public street like that and taking obviously incriminating photos. There can’t be no in-betweens.

WhoBob: I, for one, would like to know what the murderer was cooking by putting those pictures on a cartoon cuz he’s really making us not focus on the actual plot.

Ex: I forgot how much this story sucks.

I had to choke back vomit and one intern, the only female in the room, ran out. The show resumed.

Jjs: I’m just glad the story had one woman to meet the diversity quota. Two if you count the dead girl.

WhoBob: The dead girl sadly fell into the Women in Refrigerators trope.

OMJ:

About 5 seconds after this second photo played, Squidward went silent, as did all sound, like it was when this scene started.

Wumbo: Yes, please, a moment of silence for the death of subtlety and good taste.

He put his tentacles down and his eyes were now done in hyper realism like the others were in the beginning of this episode. They were bleeding, bloodshot, and pulsating.

Jjs: 

OMJ: I’ve got some ClearEyes for that.

WhoBob: I wonder if this scene is as gruesome as people think the toenail scene is.

He just stared at the screen, as if watching the viewer.

WhoBob: No time to do a meta joke, Squidward. You are in agony.

Wumbo: Hi Squidward!

After about 10 seconds, he started sobbing, this time not covering his eyes. The sound was piercing and loud, and most fear inducing of all is his sobbing was mixed with screams.

Jjs: This my friends was the original Squidward Torture Porn. Enter would’ve had a stroke.

OMJ: But where’s the wind blowing through the forest sounds in all of this?

WhoBob: He’s got nothing on him. 

Ex: Squidward would never do this.

Tears and blood were dripping down his face at a heavy rate. The wind sound came back,

OMJ: Now that’s what I’m talking about!

WhoBob:

and so did the deep voiced laughing, and this time the still photo lasted for a good 5 frames.

Jjs: You know the detective intern here was getting off on the thought of counting those frames.

OMJ: Yay, more child torture

WhoBob: Maybe he should have called this story Child Torture Porn, wait a min…

The animator was able to stop it on the 4th and backed up. This time the photo was of a boy, about the same age, but this time the scene was different. The entrails were just being pulled out from a stomach wound by a large hand, the right eye popped and dangling, blood trickling down it. The animator proceeded.

Jjs: You’d think they would have gotten the point by now. Unless the animator is in on this and fucking with the guy, which I choose to headcanon.

OMJ: oh boy, a hand! And a large one at that! Why, that narrows things down ever so slightly!

WhoBob: Another child murderer be like:

Wumbo: Is this Squidward’s concert footage? No wonder he was getting booed!

It was hard to believe, but the next one was different

OMJ: Anything to break away from the repetitive child deaths.

WhoBob: This time it’s animal murder ah ah ah.

but we couldn't tell what. He went on to the next, same thing. He want back to the first and played them quicker and I lost it.

Jjs: I’d “want back” to the first season too if this was my intro to Season 4.

OMJ: Well I hope you found it since then.

WhoBob: Again, I thought this was a tale about Squidward’s suicide?

I vomited on the floor,

OMJ: Get a hold of yourself, man! *slaps*

WhoBob: If I were the intern, I would just kill myself like Squidward was supposed to do in this tale.

Wumbo: MOMS SPAGHETTI

the animating and sound editors gasping at the screen. The 5 frames were not as if they were 5 different photos, they were played out as if they were frames from a video.

Jjs: AH HA! Everything is so clear now…

OMJ:

WhoBob: Man, is it too late to back down on this riff?

Wumbo: CRANK. THOSE. ENTRAILS!

We saw the hand slowly lift out the guts, we saw the kid's eyes focus on it, we even saw two frames of the kid beginning to blink.

Jjs: Blink twice to indicate you’re on a road.

OMJ: This must be the chillest kid in all of mankind. Inoculations must be a breeze to this real champ.

Wumbo: Dissociation is a hell of a drug.

WhoBob:

The lead sound editor told us to stop, he had to call in the creator to see this. Mr. Hillenburg arrived within about 15 minutes.

Jjs: I assume our true crime hero was also anxiously counting down the seconds and minutes.

OMJ:

WhoBob: Hillenburg is coming to save SpongeBob from going downhill… I mean child death footage? Count me in!

Wumbo: This is worse than the time they didnt play sponge bob song at super bowl

Ex: I’m imagining he had to fly in on a helicopter over this urgent matter.

He was confused as to why he was called down there, so the editor just continued the episode.

Jjs: I guess “for some reason an episode turned into a horror movie with possible ties to real murders” would’ve been too much to elaborate over the phone.

OMJ: Did they make sure to record his reaction too?

Donald Trump: STOP THE EPISODE!!!

Ex: “WHY AM I HERE- are those hyper realistic eyes?!”

Once the few frames were shown, all screaming, all sound again stopped. Squidward was just staring at the viewer, full frame of the face, for about 3 seconds. The shot quickly panned out and that deep voice said "DO IT" and we see in Squidward's hands a shotgun.

Jjs: The deep voice was Palpatine, I knew it! Revenge of the Sith was also released in 2005, everything's coming together! Maybe.

OMJ: No, Squidward. Don’t. Stop. Think of all the sea ants in your cupboard you’ll be leaving behind.

WhoBob:

Wumbo:

He immediately puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Realistic blood and brain matter splatters the wall behind him, and his bed, and he flies back with the force.

Jjs: 

OMJ: At that angle, from that range, I don’t think his body will be sent flying back.

WhoBob: I see the force was strong with him.

Wumbo: “his testicles quivering in the air”

The last 5 seconds of this episode show his body on the bed, on his side, one eye dangling on what's left of his head above the floor, staring blankly at it. Then the episode ends.

Jjs:

WhoBob: It’s over? That felt anticlimactic after all the dead kid footage.

Wumbo: That’s it? That’s the episode? THAT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF CHEAP SHOCK CYCLES!!

Ex: What’s with all of the dangling eyeballs?

Mr. Hillenburg is obviously angry at this.

Ex: Obviously.

Jjs: Don’t worry, Nick will find worse ways to disrespect your legacy!

OMJ: If he weren’t, that’d be the first genuine scare I’d get from reading this.

WhoBob: He’s disappointed Paul Tibbit shat the bed so badly with post-movie.

Wumbo: “I wanted the shots of the dead children to last LONGER, damn it!”

He demanded to know what the hell was going on.

Jjs: Hillenburg was really too pure for this world.

WhoBob: Don’t worry Hillenburg, even I too was struggling with this tale.

Wumbo: “God this episode makes me so MAD I just want to STAB A CHILD and drag out his ENTRAILS BIT BY BIT”

Most people left the room at this point, so it was just a handful of us to watch it again.

Jjs: You’d think Nick would have ordered the cursed tape destroyed on the spot instead of allowing people to watch it again. But it tracks with the company’s competence, so that’s another thing the brave intern was right on the money about!

OMJ: At least they’re being considerate by showing him all the child deaths he missed out on.

WhoBob: The crew’s mind works like this.

Wumbo: One more time… with FEELING!

Viewing the episode twice only served to imprint the entirety of it in my mind and cause me horrible nightmares. I'm sorry I stayed.

Jjs: It’s okay guys, he said he’s sorry!

OMJ: I don’t forgive you. Live with the consequences of your own actions.

Wumbo: We’re all sorry too.

WhoBob:

The only theory we could think of was the file was edited by someone in the chain from the drawing studio to here.

Wumbo: Probably a fast food chain. Like McDonald’s! Greasy fuckers.

The CTO was called in to analyze when it happened.

Jjs: This shit is so serious the CTO had to be called in. What’s even spookier is I’m unable to find any of Nick’s CTOs on a google search.

OMJ: But that’s just a theory, A NICK THEORY!

WhoBob: 

The analysis of the file did show it was edited over by new material. However, the timestamp of it was a mere 24 seconds before we began viewing it.

Jjs: You know what's creepier than 24?

OMJ: Did they come to that conclusion by just bashing a desktop computer onto the file?

WhoBob: We have technology. *smashes my head with computer*

Ex: Wait, so Squidward’s Suicide is magic? I’m trying to keep up so I can ace the quiz.

All equipment involved was examined for foreign software and hardware

OMJ: Yeah, we’re onto you, Canada!

WhoBob: This is a classic USA tactic, blaming other countries for their own shit.

Wumbo: CHI NAAAA

Ex: Oh, my mistake, it’s not magic. It’s Russian collusion.

as well as glitches, as if the time stamp may have glitched and showed the wrong time, but everything checked out fine.

OMJ: Well that’s it. Cleared for air then.

WhoBob: I ain’t convinced.

Ex: Never mind, back to magic.

We don't know what happened and to this day nobody does.

Jjs: Must have made for fun water cooler talk later on.

OMJ: Does this include the janitor? I think he would’ve provided the most useful insight.

WhoBob: My theory is that the janitor did the crime.

Wumbo: What happened is you were a 14 year old edgelord and nobody told you “no."

There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it.

OMJ: Of course. The most realistic thing about this creepy pasta.

WhoBob: So this is the open ending the writer was talking about and welp, I’m underwhelmed.

Wumbo: “We then discovered the corpse of a shadowy photographer”

No child seen was identified and no clues were gathered from the data involved nor physical clues in the photos.

Jjs: This looks like a job for the combined powers of Nexpo, blameitonjorge, Nick Crowley and all the other mystery YouTubers!

OMJ: I guess there’s just too many people with large hands in the world to pin it down on just one.

WhoBob: Looks like this was a big old waste of time. Should have just examined Squidward’s Suicide instead.

Wumbo: This shit is just dumb. You’re going to hit us with all this bullshit and not even attempt any sort of an ending? Fuck off.

I never believed in unexplainable phenomena before, but now that I have something happen and can't prove anything about it beyond anecdotal evidence, I think twice about things.

Jjs: At least the internship paid well. My conclusion: Nosferatu did it. I have no other words to describe this legendary tale other than I’m glad SpongeBob in RandomLand forever immortalized it. I hope whoever wrote the creepypasta is enjoying the royalties and fame. Ironically they ended up being the most successful author of this bunch. Was there a greater meaning to this? Probably not, but who knows?

Thanks to all who helped celebrate the theater’s 10th anniversary and final swan song with these hilariously creepy hijinks. It was fun to go back to JRT's roots without a pretentious angle, since I don't want to view myself as a serious writing critic anymore. Despite the morbid vibe of this edition, in the end it was simply friends having fun with shitposts from around the web. I viewed this miniseries as a nice “greatest hits” tribute to SBC’s history with the variety of interests we covered; the Sonic Generations of SBC indeed. Although I do apologize for the pandora’s boxes I may have opened with some of these stories. With that, I’m content putting the cap on my riffing theater for good. It was nice to bring it back for a trilogy of post-game DLCs, as I saw these past three editions, but I don’t have any ideas that many people would be interested in and don't wanna milk it forever. While this theater may be in my name, it’s really the community that made it work and this is the best damn crew I could’ve asked for. But if anyone wants to make their own theaters with creative ideas to continue the legacy, I’ll gladly approve. Maybe there’s another John Wick of riffing out there, waiting for their time to shine. See you, space cowboys and ya Better Call Jjs! Also, special thanks to Ex who gave me the idea for the original theater all those years ago.  

OMJ: Maybe whoever edited Squid baby over Red Mist Squidward in RandomLand was the one behind it all. Wouldn’t that be a true full circle moment to send this theater out on. 

It was a hell of a run while it lasted! I hope that the work I put in with this miniseries helps to make up for my abrupt exit during the Family Guy riffs.

WhoBob: Before I start to talk about my experience with Riffing Theater, I would just like to say this really took me out of it. What I expected was an actual suicide of the beloved character, it was mostly about a child murder mystery in Nick Studios. A really disturbing one at that. I’ll say that the tale did a good job of making me feel uneasy about writing my riffs. That was an actual disturbing creepypasta and while I did the best I could to riff it to shreds, that’s nearly 3 hours I’ll never get back but that’s okay cuz riffing is all about the community. And boy I had a blast contributing to it with others. I wasn’t there for the original riffing and I didn’t have much knowledge on Nostalgia Critic/Channel Awesome to do work on it but starting from Family Guy riffs to doing the last Riffing Theater mini, riffing fanfics, especially doing the final tale, I feel honored to be part of this team. I couldn’t have a better job riffing content without you guys’ help. I really appreciate it. Until next time, bye. And don’t be a child murdering photographer!

Wumbo: Austin Layers

Ex: It’s an honor to be able to say goodbye to Riffing Theater with you all. As someone who was there for its inception, this makes me emotional! I love that I was given this opportunity and to be here with all of my lovely co-hosts. Also, this fic fucking sucks. It’s not funny-bad, it’s not Dipper Taco Bell shock levels where it's just eliciting a reaction, it’s just a poor taste mess. I will stop there, however, as I really don’t want to be known as a guy mad at Squidward’s Suicide in 2023. Goodnight, folks!

The End

[WhoBibbles]

[Danny DeVito]

bravo finale and now I finally understand the hidden message of this theater

[SpongeOddFan]

It was wild ride for JRT, and thanks for riffing 10 years.

[Old Man Jenkins]

The type of catharsis and thorough study on depression I needed right after riffing that pokemonstrosity. Nothing will ever send me on a whirlwind of emotions quite like this miniseries of riffing theater. May you join fellow theater, SBCinema, in resting easily in Davy Jones’ Locker.