President Squidward

My mother and father spent most of their lives in Henderson, Nevada. The small, dusty sidecar of Las Vegas. Henderson was just like any other town in America, only with slot machines in the laundromat. It was 1990, and Vegas was boomin', baby! But Jeanie and Terry weren't gamblers or dealers or mafiosos or lounge singers. They were just two normal people trying to keep up with the pack in a one-hundred-and-sixteen-degree rat race. And those rats; they'd nibbled long enough. Now, I don't know what a mosey looks like, but they packed up their house and their clothes and their me, and they moseyed on outta dodge. Of course, I had my gripes about leavin'. I mean, I had a life in Henderson. Kenny and Kevin Hebner were just two houses up. The desert fort behind my house wasn't gonna defend itself. But what could I do? I was nine. A nine-year-old can't just stage a sit-in while the rest of the family checks out. This wasn't a Home Alone movie, so... I went where the sweet'n'sour chicken was cooked, and the ice cold, caffeine-free Coke was just a fridge away. And just like that, from sagebrush, slot machines and Elvis to Footloose, Onion Days and Jewel. She was born there, after all. This place called Payson, Utah. God's country. Population: blink, and you'll miss it. Dad got a job in the produce department at the Smith's Food King, which was fitting since he managed to produce six kids: April, Shelley, Amy, Stephanie and my brother Shane were the other five. I was in fourth grade at the time, an age when boys start thinking more like men. And there wasn't a dull moment: I'd had my first fight, my first crush, my first rodeo, but most importantly my first white Christmas. I did my best to fit in, and I did as my teachers said, but that year one teacher stood out from the rest. He didn't just stand out from the rest; He sung out. His name was Mr Hansen. And on a frosty December morning, he explained to us the story of the old standard "I'll Be Home For Christmas". A tale of a World War II soldier stationed overseas, writing a letter to his family about the return that he may never make. I saw it struck deep in him. Now, it would be easy to describe Mr Hansen as brave. After all, this was a man who himself had served his country during the Korean war. But getting up in front of twenty five nine-year-olds and singing a capella? That's a whole other kind of bravery altogether. The other kids were looking for the nearest escape: they couldn't bear the embarrassment. But not me. I was wrapped up in it. I couldn't help myself. I knew I was experiencing something different from the others, but I was uplifted so it didn't matter. I felt the isolation of war. I felt the power of a song, and that's the kind of thing that sticks with you. You don't let it go. And so, for this here Christmas song, I have a friend I brought along. He's eighty six, but sounds like twenty, and though the other kids might find it funny, he'd like to sing his song for you, and if he doesn't mind I might join in too.

I'm not tired of it yet, but who is tired of Squnschpunsch? Mention it you or not here. I'm very curious. I'd like to tally up the votes altogether.

I'M THE TROUBLE STARTER, PUNKIN' INSTIGATOR 

Don't click on this status there's a cursed image on it

I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF SQUNSCHPUNSCH TRY AND STOP ME MUAHAHAHAHA

EACH DRINK SEEMS TO COST ABOUT A POUND OR SUMMAT WHICH IS JUST RIDICULOUS.

JESSICA SIMPSON, SING THE CHORUS

Daily reminder that everyone needs to hear this amazing track. It's over 13 minutes, but who cares, it's fantastic all throughout and slowly develops.

IT CAME

SIPPIN ON STRAIGHT CHLORINE

[Intro]
Oh! Yeah! So much for first single on this one

[Verse 1]
Shady's the label, Aftermath is the stable
That the horses come out of—erra
Of course we're about to stir up
Some shit thick as Mrs. Buttersworth's syrup
It's the Mr. Picked-on-Christopher-Reeves-just-for-no-reason
Other than to—just to tease him
'Cause he was his biggest (*burp*) fan
He used to be Superman, now I'm pourin'
Liquor on the curb in his name for him
"Eminem, you wait 'til we meet up again, fucker
I'm kickin' your ass for everything you've ever said."
It goes one for the money, two for the fuckin' show
Ready, get set, let's go
Here comes the buckin' bronco
Stompin' and stampedin' up the damn street like them buffalo
Soldiers, I told ya I'm 'bout to blow, so look out below, Geronimo
Motherfuckers, it's dominoes, I'm on a roll
Around and around I go
When will I stop? I don't know
Tryin' to pick up where The Eminem Show left off
But I know anything's possible
Though I'm not gonna top what I sold
I'm at the top of my game, that shit is not gonna change
Long as I got Dr. Dre on my team I'll get away
With murder: I'm like O.J., he's like my Cochran today
We keep the Mark Fuhrman tapes
In a safe, locked 'em away (*slam*)
Better watch what you say
Just when you thought you were safe
Them fuckers got you on tape
You swear to God you was playin'
Whether or not you was little Joshua
Gosh, I wish I could've told you to not do the same
'Cause one day it could cost you your name

[Chorus]
And this was supposed to be my first single (*burp*)
But I just fucked that off so
Fuck it, let's all have fun, let's mingle (*burp*)
Slap a bitch and smack a ho
This was supposed to be my catchy little jingle (*fart*)
That you hear on your radio
But shit's about to hit the shingle (*fart*)
Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-no, erra
Oh, ah, erra, oh, ah, erra
Oh, ah, erra, oh-oh-ah-ah
Oh, ah, erra, oh, ah, erra
Oh, ah, erra, poo-poo-ka-ka

[Verse 2]
Eri-Eri-Erick swallowed some generic sleeping pills
And woke up in bed next to his best friend Derrick, bare-naked
Jig-a-jig-ji-ji-Janean just turned 16 and used a fake ID
To sneak in V.I.P. to see R. Kelly
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee to be so young and naïve
Oh what I wouldn't give to live so Kim and carefree
Paris and Nicky's parents must be so tickled, they cherish
Every picture with their kids with hickeys all over their necks
Hickory-dickory Dirk Diggler, look at me work wizardry
With these words – am I a jerk or just jerk chicken?
Or chiga-chigga-chig-chig-jer-chig-jer jerkin' your chain
Twenty-two jerks in a jerk circle, or is it a circle jerk?
Wait a minute, what am I sayin'? Allow me to run it back
And rewind it {blblblblblblblb} – wait, let me ask you again
Am I just jerkin' your chain? Am I berserk or insane?
Or am I just one of them damn amateurs workin' the dang
Cameras, filmin' one of them Paris Hilton homemade
Pornos, who keeps tiltin' the lens at an angle
Jigga-ji-just recently somebody just discovered
Britney and Justin videotapes of 'em fuckin'
When they was just Mouseketeers in the Mickey Mouse Club
And dusted 'em and went straight to The Source with 'em
'Cause they could've sworn someone said, "Ni—"
And then tried to erase and record over it
But if you listen close enough to it you can hear the
"Ga-hu" and then they come to
Find out it was Justin sayin', "I'm gon—nuh cum!"
And this was supposed to be...

[Chorus]
...my first single (*burp*)
But I just fucked that off so
Fuck it, let's all have fun, let's mingle (*burp*)
Slap a bitch and smack a ho
This was supposed to be my catchy little jingle (*fart*)
That you hear on your radio
But shit's about to hit the shingle (*fart*)
Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-no, erra
Oh, ah, erra, oh, ah, erra
Oh, ah, erra, oh-oh-ah-ah
Oh, ah, erra, oh, ah, erra
Oh, ah, erra, poo-poo-ka-ka

[Verse 3]
Any opinions or somethin' you just wanna get off your chest
And address it about my lyrics I'd love to hear it
All you gotta do is pick up the phone and just dial up this number
It's 1-800-I'M-A-DICK-SUCKER-I'D-LOVE-TO-SUCK-A-DICK
And if someone picks up
You can talk all the shit you want about me
Just type in your number back and follow it by the pound key
And I'll be sure to get back as soon as there comes a day
That I fall out with Dre, wake up gay and make up with Ray (hey!)
So fuck a chicken, lick a chicken, suck a chicken, beat a chicken
Eat a chicken like it's a big cock, big-a-big-cock!
Or suck a dick, and lick a dick, and eat a dick, and stick a dick in your mouth
I'm done, you can fuck off, fuck-a-fuck-off!

[Chorus]
And this was supposed to be my first single (*burp*)
But I just fucked that off so
Fuck it, let's all have fun, let's mingle (*burp*)
Slap a bitch and smack a ho
This was supposed to be my catchy little jingle (*fart*)
That you hear on your radio
But shit's about to hit the shingle (*fart*)
Oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-no, erra
Oh, ah, erra, oh, ah, erra
Oh, ah, erra, oh-oh-ah-ah
Oh, ah, erra, oh, ah, erra
Oh, ah, erra, poo-poo-ka-ka (*burp*)

Since I'm not going to get paid until a day or two after my birthday, I hope I can at least get a cheap cake mix. Cupcakes sound good.

Contacted my doctor for some tips to help stress from family drama via email. I got an automated reply saying she won't be able to respond until Friday so I hope she can get back to me that day. I can't deal with my moms yelling at her stupid boyfriend, it really stresses me out being in a negative environment all the time,e and makes me all moody online snd irl. I apologize for how I reacted on discord earlier. It's because of this shit.

Oof

http://fortune.com/2018/08/15/roundup-in-cheerios-weed-killer/

THE OGRE'S BUTT

It's official. My favorite music genre is Downtempo.

Hey Larry, are you a connoisseur of the dispatch of information regarding political, religious, and ceremonial beliefs of the tomato caucus implemented within the state of tomato metaphysics?

Lol. Guess what episode my current avatar is from

your avatar is beautiful 

Saw a kid doing a dance featured in Fortnite while at Walmart. I love life.

GET THIS FUCKING AUDIO OUT MY AUDI YO, ADIOS