Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[SpongeOddFan]

18 hours ago, Metal Snake said:

Oh God, that title. "Right before Beginnings". Why did I not take that apart, that is probably the lulziest title I've seen for an episode since ATTWL 3. Imagine submitting a pilot episode for a TV show, just calling it "Pilot", and after it gets picked up, you announce that you want to call the second episode "Right before Pilot". Your crew and your network would be like, "What the fuck?!".

or called it "Pilot show" or maybe "Episode 1" . it doesn't work like that to begin with

[Jjs Goodman]

The Misunderstood Life of DoodleBob

2. Special Education / Those Damned Bottomfeeders

Spoiler

Episode 2A: Special Education

[Trophy: Exactly what class the writer submitted this for.]

[Renegade: "I'm reading a fanfic! YAAAAY!"]

[Hayden:  ]

In the first quarter of 2nd Grade, Doodlebob ad already 3 F's, 2 D's, and 2 C-'s.

[SOF: That's a special kind of stupid right there.]

[Trophy: You think his teacher being his mom would've forced him into better grades if she was qualified for a teaching degree. How bad was her homeschooling?]

[Fa: Those low grades in an elementary school is... kind of impressive in a disturbing way. Also ftr, never had grades this low so not totally sure why I thought this.  ]

[Metal Snake: Wow, that’s actually impressive considering that this is elementary school of all things. I mean, it’s one thing to totally fail or just get low grades, but a balance of failure AND low grades, that takes effort.]

[Hayden: If I was Doodlebob I'd intentionally get shit grades like that to rebel against Doodlemom.]

[Renegade: Oy, you don't even know...my grades weren't the best either. And yet, I STILL got my diploma.]

His mom increased the amount of whipping that occured in the house, and it made Doodlebob barely able to stand up. He couldn't get an homework done to the fact that his hand was broken almost entirely due to the mass whipping at the house.

[Metal Snake: For fuck’s sake, how has no one called Child Protective Services on this bitch yet?! It would be one thing if she was an intelligent sociopath, making sure to abuse him in a way that wouldn’t leave behind incriminating evidence, but breaking his hand?!]

[Hayden: Not only that, but it's counterproductive to impair him so harshly he can't even do what she wants him to do. Doodlemom is dumb and a sociopath. Deadly combination.]

[Renegade: ...Again, Snake, this story makes a lot more sense if you view the relationship between DoodleBob and his mother as an abusive BDSM fantasy between a dom and her sub.]

[Trophy: I'd like to think she'd go to the very limit before breaking it so he doesn't have an excuse to get out of it, causing pain and torture physically as well as the mental stress of doing homework. If you're going to torture someone, do it right.]

He was actually happier at school then at home, "because of the fact that he could actually walk and talk and laugh, and not be knocked down by some bitch" as bob put it to hisbest friend, Dodle Rick.

[Fa: Holy shit Dodle Rick? REALLY 15 YEAR OLD FA!? REALLY?]

[SOF: "My name's...not...RICK!!!"]

[Trophy: So he tells his friends? Shouldn't he be intimidated into not doing that no matter how obvious the torture is if he's not in a foster home? I guess the unliving land of whatever hasn't had that drawn yet.]

[Renegade: Where's Dodle Morty? ...Y'know what, for added hilarity, imagine Dodle Rick's voice as that of Rick.] 

[Hayden: "Not be knocked down by some bitch". Totally normal response from an abuse victim. Typical edgy teenagers acting out against whipparenting.]

Doodle Rick- Wow, whata mutherfookin biotch yo mama is!

[Hank Hill: I got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass, I tell you what.]

[Fa: Backstory time: Actually have a good friend who talked a lot like this in High School to fit in and that was the inspiration for Doodle Rick. Thankfully he is out of that phase, but yikes...]

[Doodle Rick: Yo mama such a fookin biotch but my mama won't even teach me hows to speak them English words properly.]

[Renegade: And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy.]

Doodlebob- Rick, talk in noral english language, before I fucking slit you.

[Fa: If you're going to make such a request, you might as well get your own English right Doodlebob.]

[Hayden: Well now we know who Doodlebob takes out his aggression on at school. What a toxic cycle.]

[Metal Snake: What is this, The Nutshack?]

[Trophy: Thank you, someone else understands how hard it is to decipher text messages!]

[Renegade: WHAT KIND OF PERSON THREATENS TO KILL SOMEONE OVER IMPROPER ENGLISH? WHAT IS HE, GRAMMAR HITLER!?]

[SOF: What's "Noral English"? Is that the doodle language?]

Doodle Rick- Sorrah, joost sayin yo mama's a-

Doodlebob pulls out an eraser.

[Fa: I'm gonna take a guess this was the equivalent of a gun in Doodle World? Idk, I'll ask 15 year old Fa whenever we get a time machine.]

[Trophy: For someone going over improper grammar, he pulls out something that won't slit anything. Fuckin' situational hypocrite.]

[Metal Snake: Why are erasers easily accessible to kids in this world if they can hurt each other with them?]

[Renegade: Oh, noes! An eraser! Call security!]

[Doodlebob: This'll teach you to try to empathize with me!]

[SOF: Looks like we need eraser control now.]

Doodle Rick- Never mind.

Doodlebob- Thats what I thought.

[Metal Snake: So Doodlebob is a wannabe gangster now? I guess it makes sense if he can be seven years old for no given reason.]

PDA- Doodlebob to the principals office immediately.

[Renegade: Looks like their zero-tolerance policy is very efficient.]

Doodlebob then arrives to find his mother and a strange woman talking in idle conversation.

[Fa: He arrived to them having a non active conversation? Huh, that sounds inaccurate.]

[Hayden: His mother and a strange woman? His mother is already by default the strangest woman in the room.]

[Metal Snake: No, that’s Italian, Doodlebob.]

[Renegade: "HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXYMORON!". Seriously, though...idle conversation? That's like...I dunno...dumb genius.]

[SOF: "Strange woman" couldn't be any more vague, what's so strange about them?]

???- Doodlebob you are being put in the special education program for children with disabilities.

[Trophy: So broken hands count as disabilities in this case?]

[Metal Snake: What the hell’s the point of the question marks? Why do we have to make the fact that the principal is talking to him a mystery?]

[Hayden: Regardless of his age, why does Doodlebob have to consent to this? Wherever he was erased to just happens to have a public school system like ours? If SpongeBob's an adult, it's safe to call Doodlebob an adult when he was drawn. Literally every part of this concept has more holes in it than a sponge.]

[Fa: The principal of mystery.]

[Renegade: Maybe this is a stealth sequel to SpongeBoy!Get a Clue?]

[SOF: Maybe the principal's name is really "???". Their parents must have been very confused on what to name them.]

Doodlebob- WHAT! WHY?

???- Well your failing grades are red flags that tell us you need help, so this will make the workload easier.

[Trophy: Oh fuck, if I can just flunk my honor's classes and get A+'s in easy special courses, I GET OUT OF GROUP WORK AND INTO HARVARD, HELL YEAH! SIGN ME UP, TRIPLE Q!]

Doodlebob- Oh ok.

[Metal Snake: One sentence of explaining. That’s all it takes to change the mind of a bland character.]

[Hayden: I'd be all down for an easier workload too. Especially if I'm an erased creation going to an imaginary school, getting the shit beaten out of me, all to go to....doodle college? What is even the incentive to fucking do well in this school?]

[Renegade: ...OK, as someone who was in special education for his entire life, I can safely assure you that SPECIAL ED DOESN'T WORK THIS WAY! It involves various criteria which a student must meet for eligibility, along with various clearances to assure the transition progresses smoothly.]

[Fa: First the overly obedient feral dogs, now perfectly understanding Doodlebob. I did not use critical thinking wisely while writing this. Also to Renegade's point, I was in it for a long time myself and understand that now, although I'm not sure I did at 15. Either way, this sequence is bland and that's being light about it.]

Doodlemom- And you'll have a new teacher named mrs. Blowpuff. She's nice and considerate.

[Hayden: So everything you're not? All Fa did was add "Blow" to "Puff". Wouldn't Blowfish have made just a tiny bit more sense?]

[Fa: Mrs. Blowpuff sounds like someone I'd meet in a Red Light.]

[Trophy: I think you mean Red Light District.]

[Renegade: Perhaps she's a far friendlier dominatrix than DoodleMom? Also, DoodleMom seems pretty plasê about not being able to abuse DoodleBob 24/7, no matter if you go with the "canon" of her being an abusive parent or not.]

Doodlebob- Ok then, I shall the class tomorrow.

[Fa: ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY CLASS!]

[SOF: Shall do what to the class? Pass it? Fail it? Ditch it?]

[Hayden:  ]

[Renegade: YOU SHALL NOT CLAAASS!]

???- No rtard, your joining it now.

[Hayden: What's with the question marks? Or am I an rtard for not knowing who spoke up and said this to a "child"?]

[Trophy: Can't wait for the one rtard who's in there because they can't speak English properly.]

[Metal Snake: Why the sudden hostility? Was this supposed to be mean-spirited humor? If so, it was pretty poorly timed seeing as how nothing prior in this scene acted as comedic build-up.]

[Renegade: And what kind of person calls another "rtard"?]

[Fa: A very disturbed 15 year old...]

The 2 stare at the woman for a minute before they go to the classroom. Doodle was happy that he didn't get whipped that night 

[SOF: That smiley makes it hard to take this line seriously, or the entire spin-off, for that matter.]

[Trophy: Wouldn't he get whipped for failing all the way to a special education class????]

[Metal Snake: Again, shit timing. You can’t end a scene of bland expository dialogue with an abrupt crack about child abuse (or avoiding child abuse, whatever) and expect us to be amused. That scene had nothing to do with Doodlebob’s beatings.]

[Renegade: Agreed, Snek. It adds nothing to the story, and that smiley makes it pretty damn dissonant nonetheless.

...Besides, I'm interpreting it as DoodleMom feeling rather nice to her subby "son", and rewarding him.]

[Hayden: I have no reason to believe that even if Doodlemom understood that Doodlebob had special needs that she wouldn't leave scars on him just for shits and giggles.]

End of A.

[Hayden: I give it a Z-.]

[SOF: For an episode about education, we sure didn't learn anything, like at all.]

Episode 2B: Those Damned Bottomfeeders

[Fa: NEMATODES!]

[Renegade: ...Huh. I wonder if this episode will feature the members of Primus in a guest appearance.]

Doodlebob was happy that it was finally the weekend, where he could just relax and do nothing for once, as the special ed kids have no homework on weekends.

[SOF: No need to rub it in, jackass.]

[Trophy: I was kidding before but I'm certainly willing to work in professions with special courses. Less paperwork, whoo!]

[Hayden:  ]

[Fa: Ok, I'm pretty sure that last bit is totally false from my experience.]

[Metal Snake: I thought even ordinary grade school students didn’t have homework on the weekends, at least not typically.] 

[Renegade: Yeah, but I at least had homework on the weekends sometimes, so I call bullshit on this.]

He was getting ready to play outside when his mom forced him to clean up his room. He went to make his bed when he decide to lay on it...

Doodlebob- WOAH! WHAT THE HELL!?

[SOF: You've sat on a bed before, calm down. I kind of wonder if Fa had a mid-writing crisis when he wrote that line, looked back at the episodes so far, and realized this spin-off wasn't going to work.]

Doodlebob was sucked into the mattress and was free falling

[Metal Snake: Nope. Not referencing that song. Too easy.

Yeah, I’m not really sure how this became a catchphrase of mine. I guess I’m just burned out on pop culture references.]

[Fa: I will then MS:

 ]

for several minutes before finally hitting the ground.

Doodlebob- Where am I?

???- Your in the land of the Bottomfeeders!

[Trophy: So the underworld?]

[Metal Snake: So now this is Regular Show? First Chalkzone, then The Nutshack, and now Regular Show? Is this supposed to be some surrealist homage to cartoons? I don’t feel that’s too far off, seeing that the main character is a drawing.]

[Hayden: This must be where rejected and erased ideas that live on to be the main characters of mentally scarring spinoffs go to rot.]

Doodlebob- What the heck?

[Trophy: What happened to the cursing from earlier? This clearly ain't PG.]

Jeb- We made a colony of Bottomfeeders in the insides of your bed. I'm jeb and I'm the leader of the bottomfeeders, Jeb.

[Trophy: Jeb who? Bush? Uh- that's the only Jeb I know. Why Jeb???]

[Fa: Thanks Jeb for repeating your name in the same sentence. Totally useless, but still thanks.]

[Metal Snake: “I’m redundancy and I’m the leader of the redundancy, Redundancy.”]

[Renegade: "And guest starring Les Claypool as Jeb."]

Doodlebob- I need to goback up to the light please.

[Renegade: THE LIGHT! IT BUUUUURNS!]

[Hayden: Jeb really should've put him out of his misery and shown him a new light.]

Jeb- Ok, use our teleporter.

[Trophy: Bottomfeeders are smart enough to have teleportation?]

[Metal Snake: “Ok, just end this already boring plot before there’s even a chance to develop anything!”]

[SOF: Wait, seriously? We're already ending this when it just began?]

So Doodlebob went back up to the light and got a stink bomb out of his closet, and ended the civilization of the Bottomfeeders, therefore ending a secret century of technological advanement that the sponge's never knew of.

[SOF: Uh...what the hell?]

[Trophy: WAIT, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT THEY SHOWED NO HOSTILITIES AND ONLY SUCKED YOU IN BY ACCIDENT? Huuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhggghgggggggggg. Also nice to know he lives in a world ruled by sponges. That's great information. Either that or sponges were the only species to not have known about this.]

[Renegade: Again, shit timing. You don't build up any of this plot, and end it with a terrorist attack from thin air.]

[Hayden: Why'd he have a stink bomb laying around? God, if 1A and 1B were about making Doodlemom terrible and Doodlebob sympathetic, 2A and 2B were all about making Doodlebob as much of a little shit to justify Doodlemom's extreme measures.]

End of B.

[SOF: What the hell was the point of that? I feel like Fa got really bored near the end and wanted to end it as quickly as possible, can't blame him.]

[Fa: Okay, I'm usually really hard on myself and am working on not being so, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it: This series is the worst thing I've written and 2B is the perfect example of why, and that is that it's just plain lazy. There was absolutely no development of why this one time Doodlebob laid on his bed, as opposed to the other countless times he did, he fell into another world. And then I don't even explain why this whole other mini civilization exists; I just cop out and end it. This episode, and really this series, has no reason to exist.

I know I've improved so much since I wrote this and Diaries of a Serial Killer, but man I really did write some bad stuff.]

[Metal Snake: Way to fit the definition of dull and short. He just went there, left, and then killed them all? Where’s the meat of this story? Where’s the conflict? The character interactions? The jokes? And sadly, that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that that question, “Where’s the meat of this story?”, doesn’t just apply to this episode. It applies to this whole spin-off too.]

 

[SpongeOddFan]

I wonder how Doodlebob just got ended up going to weird underworld for short time, but that plot still makes no sense.

[Jjs Goodman]

The Misunderstood Life of DoodleBob

3. The Doodle Ultimatium

Spoiler

Episode 3A: Doodle Ultimatium (1)

[Fa: Since I've watched the Bourne movies a grand total of once, I'm sure it will be nothing like the movies.]

[Renegade: Oh, joy. A Jason Bourne reference. I wonder what this episode will be about?]

Doodlebob was tired. Tired of working so very hard for a grade he knew he'd never acheive. He had worked all of 2nd grade to try to get a B in his math class, but he knew he'd never achieve it no matter how much he tried.

[Fa: I was trying to illustrate I had issues in math. I believe him being in 2nd grade was not quite the relate ability I was aiming for.]

[SOF: Don't worry, you can get a sticker for trying, and failing, but at least trying.]

[Hayden: This must be the 2nd grade of Harvard college.]

[Metal Snake: He can’t get a B in second grade?! What homeschooled kid struggles with second grade math?!]

[Renegade: ...That's nothing. You should've seen me at that age. I was, and still am, TERRIBLE at math.]

He studied the worksheets he got every single night, he worked out problems his mother gave him (he got whipped quite alot sadly) but no matter how much he tried, he continued to fail the class, and if he didn't get his act together soon, he'd fail the 2nd grade, and then he'd be whipped for eternity.

[Fa: Whipping for eternity? Jesus, doodles have high standards.]

[Metal Snake: ...Yeah, the big problem with this entire paragraph is that it’s...completely unrelatable. Elementary school is not the period of school where most kids, especially kids who were formerly homeschooled under a strict regimen, start struggling. High school is typically where problems like this arise for kids.

And again, the problem isn’t just with this episode, it’s with the entire show. I just can’t see the reason why Doodlebob has to be a grade schooler. The elementary school setting does nothing to enhance the show’s plots and humor.]

[Renegade: Plot? Humor? What are these things you speak of?]

[Trophy: Maybe the whipping is causing him to lose brain cells. Also Metal, the dude's getting home-schooled problems with no answers and is being told they have answers as shown in the very first segment. Plus, Algebra is high school level, so I think it fits that the Doodle's have a higher advanced society that we just don't understand and it would've been explained in the cancelled fifth segment pair.]

[SOF: And I'm still not sure whether this spin-off wants us to take Doodlebob's "whippings" seriously or not.]

Then in the middle of class he got a phone call on his cell phone, so hewent t the bathroom to answer it.

[Fa: I wish real life teachers were more like doodle teachers where they apparently don't care about phone use so long as you leave (pre college anyways.)]

[Metal Snake: Ah, I remember the last time my cell phone rang in class. Unfortunately, there was no last time where I got to go to the bathroom to answer it because that’s the story of how my phone got confiscated. ] 

[Renegade: ..."He got a phone call on his cell phone". Maybe it's a telemarketer from the Department of Redundancy Department.]

[Trophy: What kind of cell phone though, flip, galaxy, iPhone, for all we know portable landmines?]

[Hayden: It's obviously his DoodlePhone7.]

Doodlebob- Hello?

???- Hello, this is Doodlebob, correct?

[Fa: Nope, this is the redundancy department, how may I help you?]

[Renegade: No, this is Patrick.]

[Metal Snake: “Hello? Is this Papa John’s?”]

[SOF: Why is every new character in this spin-off introduced as "???"? I guess this time it makes sense, but it's like Fa is playing a game of Guess Who with us.]

Doodlebob- Correct.

[Hayden: Doodlemom hasn't taught you not to give information to weird people that call you? She's probably hoping you get kidnapped.]

???- Doodlebob, you are now an agent with the FIA, also known to others as the fak- I mean famous intellgence agency. One of our most skilled operatives, Doodle Jason, has mysteriously disappeared and we need a replacement operative, and your the onnly one who's skilled enough to comlee this mission for us.

Doodlebob was silent for a minute.

[Metal Snake: Wow, a believable reaction for once. I’d be silent too.]

[SOF: I guess he's trying to decide if this is a prank call or not... Seriously, WTF?]

[Hayden:  ]

[Trophy: The guy can't pass math and he's asked to "comlee" something. That's missing two letters so it's not just a normal typo either, also intellgence is missing something as well! Jfc, maybe it was really poor technology back in 2010, but I think he could've done something called proof-reading.]

[Fa: Goddammit, why didn't I just use spell check? Some of these typos are just cringe worthy.]

Doodlebob- You do realize I'm a second grader in doodle school, right?

[Fa: Holy shit, logic happened!]

[Renegade: ...HE FINALLY SHOWS INTELLIGENCE, PEOPLE! WE HAVE HOPE!]

[SOF: Maybe his IQ isn't in the negatives like we thought! It's a start.]

???- Yes, well uhh... shut up! Don't question my logic! Anyways are you up for the mission?

[Hayden:  ]

[Fa: The moral of this episode is that if someone screams "don't question my logic" you should absolutely not question it, clearly.]

[Metal Snake: “Don’t question my antilogic!”

Anyways, are you guys up for guessing what’s going to happen next?

Doodlebob will realize that this is an obvious hoax call and promptly hang up

Doodlebob will report the hoax call

Both A and B

Doodlebob will just go along with this, giving us this episode’s (idiotic) plot]

Doodlebob- Yes sir! Now what is the mission I am being asked to do?

[Hayden: You do realize this is a scam?]

[Renegade: AW, DAMMIT! FOR A MOMENT, WE HAD HOPE! WE HAD HOOOOOOOOPPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!!]

???- You must assainate the leader of the international Marijuana smuggling ring, the Dope Heads. We'll drop you off inside their headquarters, and then you must sneak into the room stealthily, and murder him with a sniper gun.

[Fa: THE international marijuana smuggling ring? I'm pretty there are more then just one. It's like when people say THE Ohio State University, like shush.]

[SOF: Again...WHAT THE HELL? When did this turn into a mix of James Bond and Breaking Bad? I thought we were learning the misunderstood life of DoodleBob? I kind of feel like Fa just started picking strange things out of a hat and went with them.]

[Trophy: "Assainate", THE DUDE IS A 2ND GRADER IN DOODLE SCHOOL, STOP GIVING HIM IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND FAKE INFORMATION!]

[Metal Snake: Snipers do not sneak into people’s rooms to assassinate them, they wait in a hiding place from afar. The whole point of sniping someone is to kill them from a long range.]

[Hayden: Why does he need a sniper rifle when he has that eraser?]

Do you understand your mission, and if you fail you will get fucking murdered.

[Fa:  ]

[Trophy: With an eraser?]

[Hayden: Whose eraser is longer?]

Doodlebob- Yes sir.

[Renegade: I honestly find it funny how casual he's acting about being forced into an assassination with serious risk to his well-being.]

[Hayden: THEY'RE NOT EVEN OFFERING HIM SOME SORT OF RETRIBUTION.]

[Metal Snake: The saddest part is that you got my hopes up with that earlier comment of skepticism, thinking that you were going to play “straight man” and have a chance at being somewhat interesting.]

And so a journey into the heart of an international crisis began right then.

[Metal Snake: My heart is having an international crisis. As well as my brain.]

[Hayden: International crisis? How many nations are in this land of the forgotten? Stick to a goddamn setting Fa.]

[Renegade: You know who else is having an international crisis? DOODLEMOM!]

[SOF: Personally, I think this spin-off is more of an "international crisis" than some marijuana ring.]

TO BE CONTINUED/ End of A.

Episode 3B: The Doodle Ultimatium (2)

[Hayden: This didn't need to be two segments....hell, no chapter so far has needed both sections.]

[SOF: This entire thing didn't need to be a spin-off.]

Previously on TMLD, Doodlebob was assigned by the FIA to assianate the leader of an international Mariajuana Smuggling Ring, The Dope Heads, and make out without being "fucking murdered" as the FIA put it.

[Fa: I must've written this recap for those on Down Under.]

[SOF: I thought he was going to "assianate" the leader of an international Marijuana Smuggling Ring, not a Mariajuana Smuggling Ring. The already pointless recap can't even get its details right.]

[Metal Snake: Ah yes, recapping what we just read as if we just decided to randomly take a break from reading this for a week and forget everything. Because you know, binge reading isn’t at all a thing. Most people just don’t have the attention span to read a short A episode and a short B episode in one sitting.]

On today's second part of the episode, Doodlebob is dropped off at the Dope Heads headquarters and stealthily enters through the back door with .44 caliber and a snipe scope on hand to kill the ringleader and anyone else who poses a threat to him and the FIA. He moves so quietly that even a mouse in the corner of the room could barely hear him move.

[Metal Snake: Wow, Solid Snake would be proud. A little kid with no military training or tactical espionage experience whatsoever rivaling his talents.]

[Hayden: Who dropped him off? FIA agents? How'd they know where he was and how'd they get his number to begin with? HELL, HOW'D THEY KNOW HIS NAME? Plus, the mouse can still hear him. He's probably going to trip an alarm.]

[SOF: Also, the FIA sure has no problems giving these dangerous weapons to some kid they know nothing about.]

[Renegade: ...I'd expect him to shoot, then GTFO.]

[Trophy: Does he even know what the ringleader looks like?]

But then he entered the room where the ringleader was supposed to be hiding

[Fa: Incredible considering I don't even know what this room looks like, and I wrote the damn story.]

???- Hold it, bitch!

Doodlebob then saw he was surrounded by 10 strong men, all which grabbed him immediately. They strapped him down to a chair, and pulled out a bucket of water.

[SOF: One bucket of water, shaken, not stirred.]

[Metal Snake: They’re going to force him to take the Ice Bucket challenge, obviously.]

[Renegade: "10 strong men"...HELLOOOOOO, NURSE!]

[Hayden: No female agents? Even Down Under included those.]

[Trophy: A bucket of water? Why? Are they even still underwater or not I still don't fucking know where this show is located!]

???- Who sent you to us?

[Trophy: Should also be questioning why only him.]

Doodlebob- I came on my own accord.

[Hayden: Yes, you know nothing about who you're after and I assume you look like you're 8 to them, so of course you went on your own accord with no prompting.]

[Renegade: Are you sure he's a second grader? Because I'm pretty sure a second grader wouldn't know what "accord" means.]

???- Liar!

They then stuck his head in the bucket of water, and maybe him gasp for life before they drew him out of it.

[Renegade: DING DONG, THE ASSHOLE'S DEAD!  ...Oh, wait.  ]

[Metal Snake: Ha ha, they drew him out of it. Since water destroys drawings, they had to redraw him.]

[Hayden: Drew must be an unintentional pun.]

[Trophy: So underwater as above water pencils are magic????? Guess you can get those anywhere and "maybe" he gasps for life, so he's not dead and they redraw him making his wounds go away? Is that accurate? Well at least I can somewhat make an educated guess with this unlike other shows.]

???- Now, I'll ask again, who sent you to us?

Doodlebob- I came on my own accord.

Hours seemed to go by, as Doodle answered their question with the exact same answer.

[SOF: If "I came on my own accord" didn't work the first time, I kind of doubt it'd work again, but sure, keep doing that.]

Then finally...

[Trophy: We get to go home?]

Doodlebob- alright, the FIA sent me to stop your marijuana smuggling ring!

[Fa: Good job on making those hours of waterboarding absolutely wasted.]

[Trophy: Yeah, that sounds good.]

[Hayden: Did they even try a new form of torture in those hours?]

[Metal Snake: *claps*

Bravo, bravo. Way to make this as anticlimactic as possible. What was the point of him resisting for hours to protect this organization he doesn’t even seem to care about if he was just going to give in like that?]

???- Dude, we're not the smuggling ring, they are.

[Fa: WHAT A TW- Ah, who am I kidding?]

[Trophy: ...A smuggling ring hired a 2nd grader because they were high?]

[Hayden: Would they have given Doodlebob a cut of the marijuana?]

[Renegade: DUN DUN DUUUUUN!]

Doodlebob- What!?

[Metal Snake: WHAT A (TERRIBLE) TWIST!]

[SOF: No way, it's almost like you can't trust strangers you've only heard over the phone! I wonder if that was supposed to be Fa's big "lesson" for this.]

???- Don't you know what FIA stands for? It stands fo "Fake Intelligence Agency" little moron.

[Hayden:  ]

[Renegade: Like we didn't know that already.]

[Fa: I mean the first dude almost said it himself, but thanks anyways.]

[Trophy: That doesn't equate to a smuggling operation. Also even if high, who makes the official name the "Fake ___" for anything?]

Doodlebob- Goddammit, I was bahoozled by some assholes.

[Renegade: O RLY?]

[Hayden: Don't blame them, you little serial killer in the making. Only assholes get bahoozled.]

[Metal Snake: Bahoozled? Bahoo? More like BOO. Predictable is an understatement, this is the most obvious plot twist possible.]

[Trophy: Guess since this is a SpongeBob Spin-Off made up words like smeckledorfed are allowed in.]

[SOF: "Bahoozled" is one big word for a second grade boy...especially one who believed a Fake Intelligence Agency.]

???- Look, we'll take you back home but please be careful about who you associate yourself with, kid.

[Hayden: That advice won't stick. Unless when you take him home you help him get out of his home environment and away from Doodlesatan.]

Doodlebob- Ok.

[Metal Snake: That’s right, lampshade this nonsensical plot for a cheap laugh. I might’ve chuckled at this exchange had the humor up until this point been good, but rather with it being so dull, it just blends in with the rest of the mundane dialogue.]

They then took Doodlebob back home, where his mom awaited him. He got 50 whippings along 3 months of no electronics... right when summer ws happening. Poor Doodlebob.

[Renegade: WHO. THE FUCK. CAAAARES?!]

[Hayden: I wish someone would be hired to assassinate them both.]

[SOF: So what was the point of this being a two-parter? Just so DoodleBob can learn not to trust shady men over the phone, and get himself whipped yet again in the end?]

End of B.

[Fa: That was just... lame. Just like in 2B, IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. Seriously, this is the laziest thing I ever wrote and, by extension, the worst.]

[Metal Snake: And that’s how it ends? Schadenfreude humor? Is this the part where I’m supposed to laugh out loud at the suffering of this character I don’t give two shits about? This is like a shock value gag on Family Guy that tries to grab your attention with something ridiculously cruel, but fails, because you’re so detached from everything that’s happening that you can’t even find the most disgusting thing they can conjure compelling. This is dreadful.]

[Renegade: Just be glad this will all be over soon.]

[Hayden: Doodlebob is still treated better than Meg.]

[SOF: You know, for all of the problems in person's DoodleBob spin-off, at least it kinda had a story. I'm still not sure what the point has been of any of these episodes so far, and there's only one left...] 

 

Edited December 24, 2016 by Mr. Hankey

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

God, these are my weakest riffs I think.

[Metal Snake]

Yeah, this is the episode that made me realize this was worse than Spongebob: Diaries of a Serial Killer. Diaries at least had a consistent story. This, on the other hand, starts with a story that should be consistent, but just goes all over the place.

[Jjs Goodman]

The Misunderstood Life of DoodleBob

4. When Bears Attack

Spoiler

Episode 4A: When Bears Attack (1)

[Hayden: 

]

[SOF: THIS IS NOT OVER, BEARS!]

One day DoodleRick was playing outside in the woods

[Fa: Oh hey, this sounds promising!]

[Renegade: ...Well, this sounds rather nice!]

[Metal Snake: Oh good, character continuity. That’s not a bad start. Maybe this episode won’t be so...]

when suddenly a bear came roaring out of nowhere. It clawed his face to shreds, torn his arms out of their sockets, sucked the blodd out of him as if he was a vampire, and the ran off.

[Fa:  ]

[Trophy: Well he is only a doodle, I believe he's capable of having his arms removed.]

[Metal Snake: …..]

[SOF: Thanks for taking the time to develop DoodleRick beforehand so we would all care and feel emotion about his random ass death-oh wait...]

[Renegade: ...Jesus fucking Christ, "Mood Whiplash" doesn't even begin to describe this. Wait, no...MOOD WHIPLASH ACTUALLY HAS BUILDUP AND FORESHADOWING in order to make the impact more fucking meaningful! This...THIS IS SO BADLY WRITTEN, I CAN USE IT AS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW TO EXAGGERATE MOOD WHIPLASH!]

[Hayden:  ]

Doodlebob cried and cried at his funeral, and knewitwas his job to kil the very bear who took his friend away from this world.

[SOF: Considering how there's a ton of bears in the world, good luck finding the right one. Is he going to commit bear genocide?]

[Fa: The sad thing is that if this was at least tried to be told like a story it could've worked. Maybe not well mind you, but it could've been readable. Instead it reads like a badly worded sparknotes page but it's not even that good. I know I'm a lot better then I was 6 years ago but dammit this is rough to read back on.]

[Hayden: How'd they even find the body? How much time has passed? Doodlebob would've sicced a bear on him if he kept up his bad grammar anyways. Though I guess if he's going to risk his life like an idiot, it's better to do it for a dead acquaintance than just because a stranger calls him.]

[Trophy: Do you even know which bear it was? What type of bear was it anyways?]

[Metal Snake: …..PAINFUL.

FORCED. The plots in this show...are so PAINFULLY FORCED. And RUSHED. THREE SENTENCES. You can’t only devote three sentences of description to a character’s death scene AND another character’s reaction to a death scene. It doesn’t build any tension or emotion! It’s not even like this is being played off as a joke, this is being treated like an emotional moment. That’s why it pisses me off so much, because I don’t feel anything!]

So he went home, unlocked the lock to his dad's lockbox,

[Trophy: So SpongeBob?]

[Fa: Hello Dad, you were only invented for this episode apparently.]

[Hayden: What pack of wild animals did DoodleDad rescue him from?]

[Renegade: ...DoodleBob has a dad? This only complicates my "DB is an abused BDSM submissive theory"...]

and pulled out a scope rifle.

[Trophy: Correction: Diaries of a Serial Killer SpongeBob. Gotta love that crossover by the same author out of nowhere.]

[SOF: I guess he kept some of the weapons the Fake Intelligence Agency gave him for no real reason...yay for subtle continuity?]

He then goes out into the woods, and catches the bear in site, and is about to fire

[Trophy: The right bear or not?]

[Hayden: "in site". Whose camp site?]

[Metal Snake: So instead of killing a drug lord this time, he’s killing a bear.]

when suddenly, it disappears, and the bear turns around and knocks Doodlebob out. He is then carried to a cave, where he wakes up smelling something cooking... it was the bear getting ready to cook him!

[Hayden: How does it disappear but also turn around? Also, how convenient for the bear to have a culinary hobby this time instead of being a savage like it was on DoodleRick.]

[Metal Snake: Yup, recycling from the last episode. He tries to stealthily kill his target with a gun, but gets caught and captured. Again.]

[DoodleBob: Nyeh...*chews on Krabby Patty* What's cookin', doc?]

[Renegade: Dear God, this is gonna be like a badly-written Looney Tunes cartoon.]

Doodle then quickly escaped from the bag he was stuck into when suddenly-

[Trophy: He was STUCK in it. He suddenly realized he can't possibly escape.]

[Metal Snake: When suddenly-he escaped from the bag so easily without any explanation? Why wasn’t the bag tied? Did he have a knife to cut the bag open? DETAILS!]

[SOF: He quickly escaped the bag as quickly as this episode is going by.]

[Hayden: It said the bear carried him, where'd the bag come from?]

Bear- Don't leave.

[Hayden: The magic word is please.]

Doodlebob- AHHH! IT CAN TALK!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!

[SOF: Finally, a believable reaction. But chill the hell down on the exclamation points, seriously.]

Bear- Please I just want to SUCK YOUR BLOOD... I mean give some food.

[SOF: FEEED MEEE!]

[Trophy: Vampires. Bikini Top crossover as well?]

[Renegade: How does cooking him have anything to do with drinking his blood? I was honestly thinking the bear would eat his liver, with a side of fava beans and some chianti to wash it down.]

[Metal Snake: PLOT HOLE POLICE! If the bear just wanted to suck his blood, why didn’t he do it when Doodlebob was unconscious?! What was the point of trying to cook him?! And that’s not even counting the fact that DRAWINGS DON’T HAVE BLOOD.]

[Hayden: This bear is the worst liar in the universe. I see why it got a cooking degree instead of an acting degree.]

Doodlebob- Wait a minute, you must be a vampire bear, aren't you!?

[Fa: Vampire bears... really?]

[Hayden: Of course Doodlebob is familiar with them. Such common creatures.]

[SOF: I wonder if 2010 Fa was inspired by Bikini Top for this, would certainly explain a lot from a random vampire bear and an unlikable main character...]

[Metal Snake: Too many jokes I could make about this...but let’s just move along. I feel like we’ve drained the vampire humor of all its life.]

[Renegade: Now this is the point: jokes like these suck out what little blood this spin-off has.]

The Bear then attemptd to bare his fangs into Doodlebob, but failed to do so and Doodlebob was confronted by a gangof bears. Doodlebob then ran back and stabbed the first Bear Vampire in the chest, and as it gasped for life, DoodleRick stood outside of the cave and jumped up to bite him.

TO BE CONTINUED/ End of A

[SOF: Add "having characters come back to life for no reason" and "overly dramatic cliffhanger" to the Bikini Top Checklist, as well.]

[Fa: Oh ok, I guess DoodleRick's brutal death didn't happen after all.]

[Trophy: There are gangs of these? Fuckin hell, at least the first segment is ridiculously short this time so we get a break.]

[Metal Snake: What a way to wrap up the first part, with a cliffhanger that makes no sense. Why did the gang of bears that confronted Doodlebob just allow him to run back and kill one of their own, and again, PLOT HOLE POLICE! Where did Doodlebob get a knife or sharp object to stab the bear with? And of course, the best friend is actually alive reveal. You know, that twist that has never been done before?]

[Hayden: Well that wasn't a lot to cram into one paragraph at all. Fa is just spilling out every hyper action thought that flies into his head. I see why he quit after this chapter if he needs to speed write just to churn something out.]

[Renegade: Another plot hole I'd like to point out: where did the vampire bear gang come from?]

[SOF: Another plot hole I'd like to point out: why did this need to be a two-parter? And while we're at it, why did this spin-off exist at all? These questions and more...will probably never be answered.]

Episode 4B: When Bears Attack (2)

DoodleRick had bitten Doodlebob and then his transformation began.

[SOF: First Doodlebob lets a bear knock him out, and now lets his friend bite him. He really needs to wear more protection or toughen up.]

His skin turned a deathly pale white, his teeth grew sharp and he sprang up and spread out his wings. He then looked at himself in his new form and he was shocked at himself. This was not how he wanted to be,

[Metal Snake: THIS ISN’T HOW I WANTED TO BE!]

[Hayden:  ]

he knew he had to kill the head vampire and return to normal. He then decided to talk to vampire DoodleRick about this.

[Fa: I kinda feel vampire DoodleRick's mind might be mush, but at this point whatever.]

[Hayden: Ah yes, the person who turned you into a vampire is the perfect person to confide in at a time like this.]

[Trophy: Why would vampire DoodleRick care if he sucks DoodleBob's blood anyways? I mean-]

[DoodleBob: DoodleRick! You're supposed to be dead!]

[DoodleRick: Yes, I am...*disappears in a puff of logic*]

Doodlebob- DoodleRick, how do we get back to normal!?

DoodleRick- Normal!? I love being a vampire!

[Trophy: You like having to suck blood to live? Well I guess it's like normal food, but what happens when you and the bear gang infect enough to get the entire world sick?]

[Metal Snake: Okay, the main character and his friend have a disagreement on the next course of action, interesting. Maybe this will lead to a compelling exchange of dialogue!]

Doodlebob- WHAT!? Why?

DoodleRick- Because I love it! And I'll never let you kill the head vampire.

[Metal Snake: Or, of course, not. You know, with some effort, that response he gave actually could’ve been a witty joke, but again, bland dialogue destroys any chance it has of being funny.]

[Fa: He loves it because he loves it. Lets give him a hand people!]

[Hayden: Clear character motivations for the win!]

[Trophy: Well there are things you can't explain why you like them, but you at least can make a guess in those cases. Here it's just loving for the sake of loving.]

[Renegade: ...OK, first this rips off Looney Tunes, and now it rips off The Lost Boys...what next?]

The two then got into a scuffle, where DoodleRick was left bleeding, and barely concious.

[Metal Snake: BEST. FIGHT SCENE. EVER. The details are just...riveting.]

[SOF: Wow, that fight scene was so fast you couldn't even see it!]

[Hayden: Doodlebob was watching carefully whenever Doodlemom made him bleed, just for this moment. Doodlemom was a fantastic parent/teacher in the end after all!]

[Renegade: MORE PLOT HOLES! Vampires, according to tradition, are supposed to be UNDEAD creatures. The episode got this right earlier, so why the contradiction?]

Then Doodlebob turned into a bat, and flew off towards Doodlevania.

[Hayden:  ]

[Fa: Doodlevania huh? Sounds a lot lik- ah forget it!]

[Renegade: *sings* I'm just a sweet transvestite

From Transsexual, Doodlevaniaaaaaa-hah hah!]

[Metal Snake: That’s right, make up places as we go along. That’s the mark of a well-thought out story!]

[Hayden: Good thing Doodlebob knew the exact directions and about its existence!]

[SOF: Yeah...ASS PULL POLICE! How the hell did he know about all of this so quicl-oh forget it, if the author didn't care at this point, I shouldn't either...]

After what seemed like hours and hours draging on,

[SOF: Much like this spin-off?]

Doodlebob finally made it, and saw the head vampire sipping a cup of tea at his bedside.

[SOF: Love how the leader of a bunch of blood-sucking vampire bears is just in bed drinking tea. I don't know how Fa did it, but he made a vampire lazier than Astenias.]

HE then turned around, and retired to his bed. When that happened, Doodle snuck up the staircase, and was about to stab the head Bear Vampire, but when he opened the sheets-

Head- Looking for someone?

[Trophy: Head of what? Escalator Land?]

[Hayden: Yes, where's the rest of your body?]

[Renegade: And cue Bugs Bunny in drag.]

[Metal Snake:  ]

Doodlebob- Ack, the head Bear Vampire!

[Trophy: I thought it was just head vampires considering DoodleRick.]

[Metal Snake: “Ack, the guy I knew was here!”]

He then threw a knife right into Doodlebob's heart, and Doodle went unconcious.

[SOF: Welp, that's all folks, our protagonist is dead-]

Then, he saw a burning builiding, fishes running in panic, and a half-destroyed yellow object. He knew what was his god-given destiny was to do, and some dip-shit vampires weren't about to stop him.

[SOF: ...WTF?]

[Metal Snake: …..Past!Fa has given up and is deliberately trolling us.]

[Hayden: You lost me on the half-destroyed yellow object. Oh right, and Doodlebob's ultimate destiny that was only just alluded to RIGHT NOW.]

[Renegade: ...Shouldn't DoodleBob be dead? He was stabbed IN THE HEART. ACCORDING TO VAMPIRE MYTH, A VAMPIRE IS KILLED WHEN HE IS STABBED IN THE HEART!]

So he wakes up, grabs the knife, pounds it in like a stake, murdering th head vampire, he then returns to normal, and then rides the Express Train home.

[SOF: 

]

[Fa: What an amazingly bland final battle scene.]

[Hayden: Would you say it was a regular epic final battle?]

[Trophy: The Express because the faster we get away from this show altogether.]

[Renegade: Wait...how could he have seen the burning building while he was unconscious? Also, this story once again contradicts itself, this time with vampire mythology. ALSO...DOODLEBOB SHOULD NOT HAVE RETURNED TO NORMAL. ONCE YOU ARE BITTEN, YOU BECOME UNDEAD.]

[Metal Snake: What a great, anticlimactic final battle. My favorite part was how the knife didn’t kill Doodlebob, but it killed the head vampire just fine just because it was used like a stake. That makes perfect sense. That’s like if I use a knife like a gun, that means it’s going to fire a bullet.]

Unfortuately, he forgot about...

[Hayden: His friend DoodleRick, who he left bleeding in the woods and probably reverted back to normal like he did?]

Doodlemom- Where were you today?

Doodlebob- Fighting off a vampire invasion.

[Hayden: It was also a bear invasion. You left out the best part.]

[Metal Snake: Yippee, more recycling from Episode 3. That’ll make this cringeworthy gag funny.]

Doodlemom- Your supposed to be grounded mister!

[Fa: Wow, sorry DoodleMom. I should've let her just become a vampire I guess.]

[Trophy: Wait, when did that happen this time?]

She then pulls out the whip, therefore ending Doodlebob's summer.

[Hayden: And his life. Lol, I know Doodlebob did a shit job of explaining, but you'd think she'd ease up on a whipping after he just went to his friend's funeral. Then again, she's more wretched than those bearpires.]

[Trophy: Well fuck, can I do that too? Hate the heat and any humidity at all kills me on the inside.]

[Metal Snake: The whip ended his summer? What?! Is the whip magical? Is it the whip Simon Belmont uses? A Castlevania reference would actually make sense here given all the vampire shit.]

[SOF: And once again, the spin-off still has no idea whether we're supposed to feel bad for Doodlebob's whippings or not. Fitting way to end a confused, strange spin-off.]

End of B

[Metal Snake: What a great, anticlimactic ending. Overall Fa, wow. A year and a half after I finish riffing Spongebob: Diaries of a Serial Killer, and again, I find myself saying that. I was wrong about one of the criticisms I gave that show in my final riff of it, THIS is your weakest work by miles and bounds. Even though I never particularly liked this show my first two times reading it, I only ever looked at it as mediocre. But now that I’m actually reading it IN-DEPTH for the first time, holy shit. It’s not as bad as Eddsworld Meets Spongebob, but it’s definitely TERRIBLY FLAWED.

The big problem is that the show has no idea what it’s trying to be. It’s called “The Misunderstood Life of Doodlebob”, implying that it explains why Doodlebob’s life is so misunderstood, yet it does anything but. The entire show is just Doodlebob getting beaten while he tries to do well in school, which we’re apparently supposed to take seriously, then getting beaten for trying to break out of his ordinary life, which we’re apparently supposed to laugh at.

My whole time reading this, I was scratching my head wondering what the hell this show was trying to do. Is the title ironic? Is it a drama? A dramedy? A surrealist comedy? If it was a drama, then why were Doodlebob’s struggles written as serious only to later be used as jokes? If it was a dramedy, then why did his wacky adventures have nothing to do with his struggles and wander into a realm of batshit insanity if we were meant to take any of this seriously? If it was just supposed to be a surreal comedy, then why were the plots, characters, and humor all so bland?

That’s the main reason I consider this worse than Spongebob: Diaries of a Serial Killer. At least it had direction and understood what it was trying to be. This was just a completely disjointed mess. Had time, discipline, and care gone into making the characters relatable and giving the humor substance, this show would’ve been fine. But I can’t complain too much. Fa is a great writer, and I’m sure he would’ve put such effort into a show like this writing it today. Knowing that, I think we can rest easy and forget about these misfires of his.]

[Fa: I've always claimed this is was far worse than Diaries of a Serial Killer and, after riffing it myself, I think it's even worse then I remember it being. The two main things that stuck out are, as Metal said, it's got no direction. One episode we're supposed to feel for Doodlebob's abuse struggles, but by the final episode it's humorous. Doodlebob is apparently unintelligent by his struggles in grade school math, but he's being picked to lead CIA-like operations and murder vampires. It makes no sense. And, as I hinted at more then once, it's just lazy. It's evident in the easy/obvious spelling mistakes and the absolutely non endings to 2B/3B in particular, along with no details in the fight and pacing issues. It all just comes together to form the worst of the 2010/2011 rush of SO's I wrote.]

[Renegade: I could write a better ending. One where, rather than return to normal, DoodleBob uses his vampire powers to kill his abusive dominatrix, then takes on a submissive of his own; one which he treats with more respect and consent. 

Also, I finally figured out where DoodleDad fits into my theory: he was DoodleMom's former sub, who became her co-dominant wgen DoodleBob was "adopted". Upon seeing what DoodleMom is capable of to fulfill her sick psuedo-incestuous fantasies, DoodeDad runs off with a far nicer mistress, but fails to take DoodleBob with him; a decision he immensely regrets.

Anyway, good work, guys! See you next year!]

[SOF: I'm sorry Fa, but this whole spin-off was a strange waste of time. It just seemed like old Fa was throwing random things at a wall to see what stuck, and apparently nothing did, considering its cancellation. The spin-off just throws so many weird things at us without any explanation (random whippings, a random world hidden in a bed, Doodlebob going James Bond, and Vampire Bears...seriously, WTF?), doesn't know if it wants us to feel bad for Doodlebob or not, and has no idea whether if it wants to be a prequel or sequel to Frankendoodle, showing a confusing direction. It isn't the worst thing I've riffed, but it is Fa's weakest work. See you guys in 2017.]

[Trophy: Just...yikes. I almost feel tempted to pass this off on other websites and see how others would criticize it. Almost. This just gave me chronic migraines from the random "dark humor" that it tried and failed.]

[Hayden: It really seems like Fa took some of the ideas for this from "The Adventures of Doodlebob". Doodlebob's mom in that is negligent even though we never see her, and then at the end of the 2nd chapter he has to move back in with his mom. Fa would've been better off just continuing from Person's version and buying the rights to it. I don't think Person would've written Doodlemom as disturbingly however? All in all, I hope this is the last spinoff we riff about an unsympathetic Doodlebob that is torn down by life. Doodlebob is never going to be a good subject for a story about a typical average kid that no one understands.]

 

Edited June 15, 2017 by Austin Layers

[Metal Snake]

Normally, this is the part where I write an addendum of some sort to my final thoughts, but since everyone's final riffs were near-perfect, I guess I'll talk about that half-destroyed yellow object and Doodlebob's "god-given destiny" instead. My personal theory is that the half-destroyed yellow object represents Spongebob and that "god" is referring to Stephen Hillenburg. Doodlebob's destiny is to make Spongebob great again. #MakeSpongebobGreatAgain2017

Here's to 2017, Riffing Theater.

 

[Jjs Goodman]

Before you ask, OMJ himself wanted us to riff this. I know this spin-off was liked back in the day, and it's okay if you still like it. These riffs will probably be more silly/lulzy than serious criticism. That being said, if you do find any serious criticism with it, I doubt OMJ will mind.

The Killer Krab

1. Workers Compensation? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Spoiler

Chapter I: Workers Compensation? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Fred: This presentation of "Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000" has been brought to you by the letter "R" and "Rusty's Raping Rampage" and the sentence "R you ready to get so fucking stoned cuz you'll need to be to enjoy this".]

[OMJ: Riffing The Killer Krab? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! It was either this or Post Fiction and The Killer Krab killed it, and I thought it'd be a pretty good time to take a look back at this baby after four years and see if it holds up to snuff. Hope you enjoy the tumultuous ride!]

[Renegade: The Mighty Shark! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar!]

[Steel: I'm back, everyone. This time I'm riffing The Killer Krab. If anything I could say, I did read the spin-off and I remember thinking that it was an excellent spin-off. I don't know if I'll ever change my mind when I look back at this, but I know that I'll at least have a good time riffing this.]

[Hayden: Jjs really needs to work out a payment plan for us veterans in the business. Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar! Ar!]

Spongebob wakes up one morning and undergoes his morning ritual of barfing out Snail-Po and hitting the plush weights before getting dressed for work.

[Fred: His morning ritual is being a weight lifting bulimic?]

[Renegade: Wait a minute...he BARFS OUT Snail-Po? What is he, made of the shit?]

[Steel: So I suppose saying good morning to all who inhabit our world and falling off the stairs is no longer part of this ritual?]

[Hayden: The most important meal of the day, puking it up, Spongebob's way! BLECK!]

He still remembers the brief conversation he had with Mr. Krabs the day before about a, what Krabs called, "a promotion."

[OMJ: Which to Krabs, is probably adding another 10 dollars to the pay check that SpongeBob gives him.]

[Hayden: Head of the Knucklehead McSpazatron Department?]

Spongebob gleefully strutted to the streets as he usually does on the way to work almost every morning.

Spongebob: I'm ready! PROMOTION! I'm ready! PROMOTION!

[Renegade: "I'm ready, movie reference! I'm ready, movie reference!" Were you that lazy, OMJ? I could write something more original!]

[OMJ: "I'm ready! REPETITION! I'm ready! REPETITION! Get ready for a lot of that here.]

[Fred: Well, it could always be worse. I'm talking to you, teenj and your "IMAAAAAAGINATION" references.]

[Steel: You like those shameless SpongeBob quotes? Cuz' that's what you're going to see for 75% of the spin-off, and this is the one thing I remember most from this spin-off.]

[Hayden:  ]

From within the confines of the Krusty Krab, Eugene H. Krabs, the restaurant's sole proprietor,

[OMJ: Case in point.]

[Hayden: What's the H stand for?]

[Renegade: Department of Redundancy Department, you're needed in The Killer Krab, chapter one.]

lies in wait as the playful sponge makes his way inside. Mr. Squidward is already there, working double-overtime as he usually does, working the register whilst "reading" the latest issue of Playsquid.

[OMJ: I for one haven't seen enough hentai to know where this is going.]

[Hayden: Why would Squidward work double-overtime? Character in-congruency!]

[Renegade: Playsquid. Like we haven't seen that joke done a bazillion times.]

[Fred:   ] 

Spongebob enters the establishment and grabs his hat off the once-there-and-gone-again hat rack.

Spongebob: Well, back to the ole grind!

[OMJ: Because we never see this shit again! Majority of the time he just brings his hat to and from home!

  ]

[Fred: Oh shit, do I need to bring in the "SpongeBob Reference Counter" for this? Somebody has to.]

[SpongeBob Reference Count: Let's see...there's the Snail Po thing at the beginning. The plush weights thing as well. "I'm ready, promotion" makes it 3. And the hat thing we just read counts too. We have 4 so far. Wait, is the title of the episode a reference?]

[Steel: Forgot my riffs!]

[Killer Krab!Steel: Uhhh....me too!]

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, SPONGEBOB GET OUT HERE!

[Renegade: 

]

[OMJ: Another case in point. And he's already in the dining area as far as we know, so isn't he already "out here"?]

Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Alright lad, remember the terms of that "promotion" we parleyed about yesterday?

[OMJ:  ]

Spongebob: A PROMO, A PROMO, A PROMOTION?!

[Hayden: Yep, like the ones Nickelodeon airs for you nearly two months in advance.]

[Renegade: MUST...NOT...CRINGE!

 ]

[OMJ: Already reaching for quotes to strip from the show.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 5]

Mr. Krabs: Stay with me here, boy! Spongebob, ye be the best fry cook I ever had on me payroll. 

[OMJ: Ummm, except Jim, thank you very much.]

[Hayden: Jim was the original. He was number 1! Hey, I can make SpongeBob references too!]

[Fred: Hey, OMJ! 'Member in SpongeBoy where Jim was a cop man?]

Ye should consider yerself to be lucky I even pay you at all. 

[Renegade: You fail economics forever.]

[Hayden: Ye should be lucky you haven't been arrested for gross mistreatment of wage laws.]

[OMJ: The first of many twists and turns in this story.]

It was a tough decision on me part, but between ye and Mr. Squidward, I had no choice.

[OMJ: Hmmm, between the one who puts in more work than necessary or the one who doesn't even put any work in necessarily?]

[Renegade: Personally, I'd go with the guy who isn't jacking off at work.]

[Fred: Hey, Mr. Krabs, do you really want to choose the guy who burnt all the patties (and someone's shake) in "Pickles" over an actually competent fry cook?]

[Hayden: It was a tough decision and he had no choice. Oxymoron.]

[Steel: Now I can only wonder where this leads to...]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I. Am. Honored! To help usher in a whole new era in the history of the Krusty Krab!

[OMJ: That I'd officially like to dub "The Krabitude Era".]

[Steel: Make the Krusty Krab Great Again.]

Mr. Krabs: Don't get to ahead of yerself, boy. We still have to...trim the fat.

[OMJ: Yes, who DOES wanna eat at a place that's Krusty.]

[Hayden: Mr. Krabs is putting Spongebob in charge of dietary regulation! That's the promotion.]

[Steel: When the only other option is Krusty Burger.]

Spongebob: Trim the fat, sir? But what about the Krabby Patties?

[Renegade: They contain zero trans fats.]

[OMJ: Just take out the buns, the patty and the condiments. Look at me, throwing even more references in there.]

Mr. Krabs: Not the patties, boy! "Administratively" speaking.

[OMJ: An entire restaurant run by just one dude who only employees two other people isn't what I'd call an administration, but hey, if ssj can wing it.]

[Hayden: Does the health inspector now require a physical evaluation too?]

Spongebob: I'm not quite following your lead here, sir.

Mr. Krabs. Grrrrrr, it's Mr. Squidward. He's threatening me with a lawsuit if I don't provide him with some workers comp. Can ye believe it?! That no good eel in the coral wants me to pay for his mistake!

[Renegade: Oh no, he's wanting a lawsuit for NOT FOLLOWING BASIC FUCKING SENSE?! LET'S CHOP THE BASTARD UP INTO CALAMARI!  ]

[Hayden: First restraining orders, now lawsuits? When will Squidward just sit down and take his abuse like a man?]

[Fred: Squidward's got some great ethics there. When I get a job, I'm gonna slack off and sue my boss for not giving me money!]

Spongebob: *gasps* We should be paying you!

[Hayden: So which version of competency is this SpongeBob? He's making old school references but new school errors.]

Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! This lawsuit could ruin me and me restaurant! Which is why I want to "deal" with Squidward now.

[Fred: Oooooooh, murder. Maybe things will start to get juicy in this spinoff!]

[Hayden: You mean make a reasonable deal in which you give him monetary funds and he agrees to show more enthusiasm in the work environment?]

[Steel:  ]

Spongebob: Right now?

Mr. Krabs: Yes, right nooooow.

[OMJ: 

]

The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake! I need you to send him into me office, lad. I'll take care of business there.]

[OMJ: I'm sure if you killed out in broad daylight, nobody would care. I mean, they all did try throwing him into an active volcano.]

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs heads into his office as Spongebob approaches Squidward.

Spongebob: Yoo hoooo, Squidward!

Squidward, not amused, put his Playsquid down before flashing his "I Really Wish I Weren't Here" button.

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 6]

[OMJ: You forgot the "Right Now" at the end, you ding dong! Making references and you can't even get em right! *flashes my "I Really Wish I Was Riffing Post Fiction Right Now!" button*]

[Steel: *Flashes his "I Really Wish I Can Come Up With Some More Good Riffs Right Now" Button*]

[Hayden: I wonder what poses are being flashed in that issue of Playsquid.]

Squidward: What is it now, Spongebob? That crustaceous cheapskate has me working double-overtime with a sprained tentacle.

[OMJ: Jerking off to all that Playsquid, I'm sure.]

[Hayden: 99 percent of all sprains are caused by sitting in one place.]

[Fred: Oh gee, this sure sounds familiar. Sure doesn't sound like a SpongeBob episode that has this SAME EXACT PLOT EXCEPT IN A DIFFERENT WAY.]

Spongebob: About that, Mr. Krabs wants to discuss some business with you in his office.

Squidward: I knew Eugene would come around sooner or later. Out of the way, Spongebob. I have history to make.

[OMJ: Let it henceforth be known that on this day forward, June 29 shall officially be recognized as "Squidward Tentacles Almost Got Krabs To Pay Day"!]

[Hayden: I don't remember the chapter in my history book about the brave heroes that sued their fast food restaurant bosses.]

Squidward strolls on over to Mr. Krab's office with a big smile on his face. He shuts the door behind him as Spongebob tries to listen in from the kitchen window, flipping those patties to nonchalantly cover his eavesdropping. All that could be heard was a brief yelp and a "SPLAT" 

[OMJ: So it's a brief yelp followed by 8 straight hours of the same old shit?]

[Hayden: Krabs made Squidward orgasm! He needed a copy of Playkrab this whole time.]

[Renegade: No, more like 8 hours of this:

]

[Fred: Stop murdering the Splaat guy. He didn't do anything wrong. ] 

[Steel: Looks like 90s Nickelodeon nostalgia has attacked Squidward.]

before the office fell into dead silence. Mr. Krabs exits his office, letting out a loud of sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaahhh, the deed is done.

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 7]

[OMJ: Yet another case in point. Tho I guess now would be a pretty good time to drop some trivia tidbits on you about where my main inspiration for this came from. Grand Theft Auto fans, if any, should know this. So, in GTA III, there's this chain of missions where you work for this guy, Marty Chonks, who owns a dog food factory, and he has financial difficulties for a number of reasons. So he hires you to kill a number of people including his accountant for stealing shares of his earnings and his wife for her lavish lifestyle and cheating ways and he tasks you to bring them to him in his factory where he kills them almost literally like how I describe it here and then supposedly makes them into dog food. At the time, I was playing through the old GTA games and I thought to myself, "I can totally see Mr. Krabs doing shady shit like this.", especially coupled in with the fact that his wife isn't around for reasons unknown, and so the seeds were planted and grew into this. Here's a vid for reference.

]

[Fred: More like "Monty P. Krabs". Okay, that SpongeBob reference made no sense at all.]

Krabs takes a slightly bloody Krusty Krew hat out of his pocket and places it on Spongebob's head alongside the hat he is currently wearing.

[OMJ: That hep c waiting to happen is also another lawsuit waiting to happen.]

[Hayden: So cheap he doesn't order a new hat to hide the evidence.]

[Steel: But who is SpongeBob going to ask if they finished their errands now?]

Mr. Krabs: How does Head Fry Cook and Cashier sound, Mr. Squarepants?

[OMJ: Sounds like being overworked and underpaid, as well as being understaffed.]

[Hayden: If I got paychecks for both, that'd be hella fly.]

[Steel: It reminds of that one time Squidward promoted SpongeBob to Head Cashier in an actual episode I could recall.

*No flashback, but hey, you'd be surprised I've made a Family Guy joke.*]

Spongebob: I don't know what to say! I'm speechless! But what happened to Squidward?

[Fred: He's dead, but you still have your promotion so everything is nice and dandy!  ]

Mr. Krabs: He went out...to...run some errands. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 8]

[Steel: Called it.]

[OMJ: Yeah, did you not see Squidward come back out of his office? Oh, you didn't?]

[Hayden: Squidward clearly went through the non-existent back door in Krabs' office. But yikes, is SpongeBob a poor eavesdropper.]

Krabs casually strolled back into his office, still laughing as he does so, leaving Spongebob to take in the excitement his promotion has brought him. Krabs would later stuff something into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[OMJ: Teenj sure wasn't kidding about that comment he made in the actual thread about this being like Rusty's Raping Rampage.]

[Renegade: ...What is this, Sweeney Todd?]

[Hayden: Squid patties, get your squid patties here!]

[Steel: Well, to be blunt, riffing this spin-off, so far, isn't so easy. Is it a challenge? Might as well be, since I haven't changed my original thoughts about this spin-off quite yet.]

[Fred: You mean the inspector's dead body? Eh, chalk that up on the SpongeBob Reference Counter, I guess.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 9]

 

 

Edited January 15, 2017 by jjsthekid

[fortnitefan12]

Why I didn't read this stuff sooner I will never know. This shit is hilarious, can't wait for more riffs <3

[Metal Snake]

Our riffs are typically more serious criticism? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

 

[SpongeOddFan]

this is hilarious so far, eh? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Jjs Goodman]

The Killer Krab

2. Whale of a Tale

Spoiler

Chapter II: Whale of a Tale

[Renegade:  ]

[Hayden: But this chapter doesn't have the girth of a whale. Don't promise us more blubber than you can chew OMJ.]

[Steel: Welp, if this details the tragedy of Mr. Krabs' daughter, I can't wait to see where it goes from there, the last time I read the chapter.]

One day, Spongebob Squarepants was working the register, taking orders before heading out back into the kitchen to serve up those said orders. Mr. Krabs was observing the joy his food brings to his not-so valued customers and all the profit that it rakes in.

[Hayden: Well I guess it technically is his food since he's the butcher.]

Tom: Do you have change for this dollar?

 [Renegade: No, but I'd buy THAT for a dollar!]

[Steel: Oh wait, I forgot. There's also a completely unrelated and separate plot sewn into this.]

Spongebob: Would you like four quarters? Or ten dimes? Or twenty nickels? Or one-hundred pennies?! Or-

[Renegade: DAAAAMN, OMJ! BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE STOLEN QUOTES!]

[Hayden: Actually he wants a silver dollar.]

Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name are ye doin', lad! You're throwing away all me money!

[Renegade: ...WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE STOLEN QUOTES?!]

[Steel: Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath! Ravioli, ravioli, great barrier reef!

Strange for me say, but if you can't beat 'em....join 'em.]

Tom: I just want some chan-

Mr. Krabs: We don't do change here, bub! So why don't ye get lost and scram!

[Hayden: Krabs is right, the Krusty Krab is the exact same building as it was in 1999. Give or take a Squidward.]

Tom: This is going on my Yelp.

[Renegade: ...Wait, how do fish know what Yelp is? Was OMJ too lazy to come up with something like, I dunno, Blubber? No, wait...that'd be a Twitter parody, wouldn't it?]

[Hayden: You're going to yelp if Mr. Krabs gets his claws on you for that threat.]

[Steel: And after he's done with that, Tom will check his Instaclam and Snapperchat.]

Obviously too old to know what this Yelp is, Mr. Krabs consults his Head Cashier & Fry Cook.

[SpongeBob: Have you finished those errands?]

[Renegade: Haha, people who don't use modern technology are old. What, was OMJ a teen when he wrote this?]

Mr. Krabs: What's this Yelp that land lubber was blabbering on about?

[Renegade: Don't you mean sea lubber?]

[Steel: This is out of context, but can I just say that OMJ missed the opportunity to call it "Kelp?"]

Spongebob: Perhaps it was that sound that Squidward made before he went off on his errands. Or that website where everyone's a critic. 

[Renegade: Oh, you mean the entire Internet?] 

[Hayden: OH SO SPONGEBOB DID HEAR THAT. MAKES HIM EVEN MORE OF AN UNREALISTIC BUFFOON.] 

Mr. Krabs: What? He'll slander me restaurant! We have to do something, boy! 

[Renegade: 

]

Spongebob: What should we do, Mr. Krabs?! The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake! 

[Hayden: It's a fucking internet review. When have those changed the course of anything?]

[Steel: The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake? Hey, now I vaguely remember reading that from the first episode of this spin-off!] 

Mr. Krabs: Send him into me office. I'll take care of the rest. 

Krabs retreats into his office as Spongebob chases after Tom before he could leave the premises.

Spongebob: Excuse me, sir! Mr. Krabs feels bad about sounding of on you like that. He'd like to...give you...some...complimentary...chocolate.

[Hayden: "sounding of on you". Also, why did SpongeBob go and lie about chocolate? Mr. Krabs said nothing about making things up to Tom with that. That would've made the Yelp review worse because of the false promise.]

Tom: Did you just say...chocolate?

[Renegade: STOP. WITH. THE STOLEN QUOTES.] 

[Hayden: Yes. Do you need your fish ears cleaned out?]

[Steel: Yes sir. With or without nuts. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chooooocolaaaaaaate. Chooooocolaaaaaate. Ok. The first guy didn't count..]

Spongebob: Yeah.

[Steel:

]

Tom: Sweet, decadent, chocolatey, bubbly fat CHOCOLATE? 

[Hayden: Well now OMJ is just tossing several lines from other characters in Chocolate With Nuts into a blender for Tom's reference lines.]

Spongebob: Ooooh yeah. 

[Renegade: HEY, KOOL-AID!]

[Hayden: Now SpongeBob's just full on flirting with Tom.] 

Tom: CHOCOLATE!

This entices Tom to barge right into Krab's office as the door slams shut behind him. All that could be heard was a brief yelp then a SPLAT before the office fell into dead silence. Eugene casually strolled out before letting out a sigh of relief.

[Hayden:  ]

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaah, the deed is-

Pearl: DADDY!

[Hayden: The deed is daddy? He owns the deed to your house.]

[Steel: The deed is daddy....yeah, I'm just going to leave it here.]

Mr. Krabs: Boy, I have a bad feeling in the pit of me wallet.

[Hayden: Who needs a conscious when you have a wallet to feel bad with?]

The ground began to quake as she got ever so closer to the Krusty Krab.

[Hayden: WOW, PEARL'S BEEN EATING A LOT OF THAT BUBBLY FAT CHOCOLATE.]

Pearl: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

Mr. Krabs: We're about to take in water, Mr. Squarepants!

[Hayden:  ]

Krabs rushed to the glass window to see how close she was, about 30 feet and counting.

Mr. Krabs: Ah! Mother of Pearl! Water in the poop deck!

[RenBob and OBABtrick: Ah! Mother of Pearl, water on the poopdeck!]

[Renegade: Also, I just realized the bad, bad pun. Congrats, OMJ. You graduated to 8th grade humor.]

[Steel: Yo ho, yo ho, near the hooks we'll- oh wait, that comes before that shamelessly pasted-in quote. Oh well, I might as well continue to blurt out whatever out of context whenever I continue to see quotes like that.]

[Hayden: Speaking of Pearl's mother, it's probably canon in this story that Krabs killed her.]

And suddenly, she came bursting in through the swinging glass doors. Pearl Krabs, about 16-years old and daughter of the sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, Eugene H. Krabs. We don't really know who her mother is and I think I speak for us all in that we don't really care. 

[Hayden:  ]

Pearl: Daddy! I need some money for the prom!

[Hayden: Do you also need Spongebob too since no one will take you?] 

Mr. Krabs: Money? But I just gave ye a ten cent raise in yer bi-monthly allowance! 

[Renegade: Ten cents? Now, I know we're dealing with seasons 4-9.1 Krabs, but ten cents is cheap even for HIM.]

[Hayden: The allowance used to be bi-annually.]

[Steel: If Pearl keeps this up, she'll get a raise on a bi-decennial basis.]

Pearl: Dad, you are so not coral. You're penny pinching is embarrassing me!

[Hayden: Krabs obviously isn't paying for Pearl's grammar school.]

Pearl cries her father a river, causing all sorts of property damage in and around the restaurant.

[Renegade: Oh, good. More unintentional puns. That'll brighten up this horrible spin-off. Or not.]

[Hayden:  ]

[Steel: The bridges have burned and now it's her turn to cry.]

Spongebob: We're taking in water, Mr. Krabs! 

[Renegade: Starting to reach my breaking point here, but...SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNSSSSSS!] 

[Hayden: Pearl is also making a lot of salt deposits.]

Mr. Krabs: We need to do something, Spongebob! The damages and prom expenses will cost me loads of money! Send her into me office. I'll sort her out.

[Renegade: Yes. Kill your own daughter to save money. That works.]

[Steel: Spoilers, dude.]

[Hayden: When is Krabs going to start asking these people into his office himself? Especially family.]

And with that, Krabs swam all the way into his office, leaving our playful sponge to get Pearl to follow suit.

[Hayden: "playful". Now SpongeBob's going to flirt with Pearl.]

Spongebob: Pearl! 

Krabs listens in from the confines of his office, feeling conflicted about what he's about to do.

[Hayden: Well thank god there's still enough humanity in him to feel conflicted. >_> ] 

Mr. Krabs: Go easy on her lad, I don't wanna have to go breakin' her poor little heart. 

[Renegade: AdfsdhjgkjfhgdfdawfghjkmhnbgfdsADWFEDGSRHTJYHADSdsafegrht...MORE STOLEN QUOTES! AND BESIDES, YOU'RE ABOUT TO KILL YOUR OWN DAUGHTER! HOW IS HER GOING TO BREAK HER HEART?!]

[Steel: This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots!]

[Hayden: I think splattering your daughter leads to heart failure, but I might be wrong.]

Spongebob: Your father needs to have a word with you.

Pearl immediately stops crying as the flooding starts to subside.

Pearl: Okay

[Hayden:  ]

She begins skipping towards her father's office, undoubtedly triggering a few tsunamis with each skip she takes. 

[Hayden:  ]

Mr. Krabs: Ooooh! Why does it have to be this way?!

[Renegade: Because you're a greedy asshole who wants to save money?]

[Hayden: It doesn't have to be "this way" at all, you crustaceous cunt.]

In the midst of his slightly pansy breakdown, Krabs takes a good, hard look at the man in the mirror before composing himself and putting on a straight face.

[Hayden: "Pansy breakdown". ....Perfect way to describe it OMJ. 10/10.]

Mr. Krabs: It's fer the best.

[Hayden:  ]

[Renegade: Quoth Mr. Enter, "I know it's wrong, I know what I'm about to do is wrong, BUT I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY." HOW IS THIS FOR THE BEST!?]

Pearl prances into his office, letting the door shut close behind her. A brief cry is heard as the sound of a SPLAT follows. Eugene nonchalantly exits his office before letting out a sigh of relief.

[Steel: Holy plot twist! I never would've imagined that this would happen!

Seriously though, what were the odds that it was going to lead up to this?]

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done =) 

[Hayden: Wow dick face, can't even put a frowny face instead of a smiley face after this one?]

[Steel: And this is my unhappy face. =( ]

[Renegade: ...I think this episode broke me.]

 Spongebob: Sir, it absolutely pains me to say that the Krabby Patties got drenched during the flood. I'm sorry I let you down.

[Hayden: At least one character maintains the concept of guilt.]

[Steel: Or you could say that you're sorry you "let them drown." Ha!

"CARLOS!"]

 

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, me boy! We have plenty of meat to last us until next year! And the best thing is, it's free of charge! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Renegade: ...

...

...]

[Hayden:  ]

Later that day, Krabs hoisted two more loads into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[Renegade: *doo doo doot!* We're sorry, but the user you are trying to contact has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again. *dial tone*]

[Hayden: Ok, I know Pearl hate on SBC was in its prime popularity when this was written, but still just.....a little too soon in the series for this. If OMJ had written this more linear he could have made it a continuing mental breakdown that led to Pearl's death in one of the penultimate chapters. Here, the purpose was just to make Krabs so edgy and lulzy that he doesn't have a hurdle with moral boundaries. The episode also didn't need to cram Tom/Pearl into the same installment. So far the "build-up" in this series is a bunch of classic SpongeBob references followed by a gruesome splat from douche Krabs. But I'd still have preferred the chapter's entire focus be on Pearl. Maybe throw in some Chaperone references and have Krabs only kill her after he sees how much money she blew at the prom with a credit card.]

[Steel: Okay, this was definitely not the best episode, but two episodes in, my thoughts on this spin-off still haven't soured.]

3. Mommy Deadest

Spoiler

Chapter III: Mommy Deadest

[OMJ: Maybe now we'll finally know what really happened to Pearl's mother!]

[Renegade: Either that, or this episode will focus on Joan Crawford.]

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was counting the money in the cash register for about the umpteenth time in order to further glorify his immense wealth. 

[OMJ: Much like how you're introducing by his full name and as sole proprietor of a restaurant for what feels like the umpteenth time already in order to further glorify his name and status?]

[Renegade: OK, I understand that formulas are easy to write, but at LEAST CHANGE IT UP. I can already see what's happening a mile away: Someone, in this case, Mama Krabs, comes over to the Krusty Krab, does something to make Mr. Krabs think that they'd be better off not wasting his money, he calls SpongeBob to his office as he decides on what to do, he murders the victim-of-the-week, and he stuffs their body in the freezer to be used as Krabby Patty meat. Then again, who am I to complain? My show's main gimmick is "monster-of-the-week", and this is just a variation on said formula.]

Takes a wad of cash and places it under his stringy nose,

[OMJ: And just who is taking that wad of cash and placing it under his nose? Something tells me that SpongeBob doesn't get billed enough for this.]

[JCM: Did Krabs kill the subject of this sentence?]

inhaling the money's fragrance like it's no one's business, and it ain't. 

[JCM: Ain't a word.]

[OMJ: Well, all righty then. I didn't want to dwell on the matter anyway.]

[Renegade: Yeah, whatever drugs Krabs does is his business.] 

Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, is working tirelessly in the Krusty Krab kitchen getting the orders ready for the lunch rush.

[OMJ: All those executives aren't going to special treatment themselves, you know.]

Mr. Krab: Ye know, lad. Nothing is better than the feeling of greed.

[JCM: Not even sex???]

Spongebob: TRIPLE KRABBY PATTY SUPREME!

[OMJ: Ah yes, nothing quite captures the feeling of greed than shilling a heart attack on a bun.]

[Renegade: As well as stolen quotes from the show. See, I told you this show has a formula.]

[JCM: Hey, using SpongeBob quotes is hilarious, even when they don't make sense in context!]

Mr. Krabs: It just warms me heart to know that I'll be puttin' all this money to much better use. Give each and every dollar and cent the respect they each so rightfully deserve.

[OMJ: I'll remember that level of respect the next time somebody decides to shove me up their nose.]

[Renegade: Or not spending them on corn dogs, diapers, and fairy princess outfits. See, show, I can steal quotes too!]

Spongebob: Did somebody order a Triple Krabby Patty Supreme?

[Renegade: Why don't you just leave it here in case they come back?]

Mr. Krabs: AYE, which one of ye lily livered polliwogs order a Triple Krabby Patty Supreme?! 

[OMJ: BenPaz?]

[Renegade: Burn.]

[JCM: *puts on glasses* "Order" here should clearly be "ordered" because the ordering happened in the past. And even if it was in the present tense, it would be "orders" because "one of ya lily livered polliwogs" is singular. *takes glasses off*]

We have to keep with orders and time is money!

[OMJ: Krabs is so cheap, he can't even SPEND time with his daughter, ar ar ar ar!]

???: EUGENE!

[OMJ: 

]

[JCM: ??? is my favorite character.]

Mr. Krabs: *gulp* Mommy?

[Mama Krabsegade: What are you doing with my bloomers?!]

[OMJ: Well there in lies my hopes and dreams for this episode.]

[Renegade: HERE LIES OMJ'S HOPES AND DREAMS.]

Mama Krabs: You know better than to use that tone with me, young man!

[JCM: He bout to get his butt whooped.]

[OMJ: Aye, needed much more of every single bad word imaginable.]

[Renegade: *DOLPHIN NOISE*, *JALOPY HORN*, etc.]

Mr. Krabs: I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't knew ye would be here.

[OMJ: Yeah, I didn't think she'd be relevant enough to ever be used in a spin-off.]

[Renegade: Hey, that's nothing, you should see her in the actual show...oh, wait, you can't. She isn't relevant enough except when the plot demands it.]

[JCM: She would make a great addition to the Real Housewives of Bikini Bottom.]

Mama Krabs: Perhaps if ye called yer mother once in a while, we wouldn't be havin' this problem!

[OMJ: Krabs is so cheap, he can't even call collect! Ar ar ar ar ar!]

Mr. Krabs: How about I get ye a free glass of water.

Mama Krabs was not pleased.

[JCM: I pleased her several times last night.]

Mr. Krabs: A dozen free glasses of water!

[OMJ: If you ain't pleased now, then you more than likely wont be the next dozen times that this reference is made.]

Mama Krabs: It's ever so good to know that I mean so little to me only son. 

[OMJ: I'm sure she goes for a pretty high price on some escort sites.]

[Renegade: Not even I would buy that for a dollar. And I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.]

And where is me darlin' angel, Pearl?

Mr. Krabs: She left tooooo...run some errands!

[Renegade: But the question is if she's finished with them.]

[JCM: Come on, Renegade. We get enough unnecessary SB references from the spin-off itself.]

[OMJ: Are you pleased now?]

Eugene was sweating profusely after having pulled that excuse out of his tail fin.

[OMJ: He's a crab, they don't even have tail fins!]

[Renegade:  ]

Mama Krabs: Ye work that girl too hard, Eugene! I had half a mind to make ye swab the deck everyday back when ye were a lad.

[OMJ: And I wish that I didn't have the half of my mind that has that mental image in my head.]

[Renegade: Paging Dr. Freud...paging Dr. Freud.]

Mr. Krabs: What do ye want, mother? Surely there must be somethin' that tickles yer fancy. Say it and it's yer's.

[JCM: Did you not hear? I gave it to her last night.]

[Renegade: Phrasing.]

Mama Krabs: Well, I did see the most prettiest hat toda-

Having a bad feeling in the pit of his wallet, Eugene thought fast and stuffed all the money he had on him into Spongebob's mouth.

[OMJ: Pause.]

[Renegade: Wait, did Mr. Krabs just give SpongeBob drugs?]

Mr. Krabs: Will ye look at that. It appears I can't buy ye that hat today because Spongebob ATE me wallet!

[JCM: If you're gonna steal jokes from the show, at least steal funny ones.]

Mama Krabs: Eugene! I'm be not fallin' fer that one again. If ye want to be so cheap about it than 

[OMJ: *then. Goddammit then!OMJ, learn to fucking proofread a little.]

ye should just tell me instead of breakin' me poor old heart. But luckily fer ye, I have another man in me life. One who would drop everything all together just to make me happy.

[JCM: Well, crap. She's cheating on me.]

Mr. Krabs: Another man?! Who?

[OMJ: My best bet would be Renegade.]

[Renegade: HELLOOOO, ALREADY TAKEN?!]

Mama Krabs: He's just the sweetest little ting, he is. And a very nice eye to boot.

[OMJ: Well that's 500 clams right down the toilet!]

[Renegade: First quotes, then entire plotlines! What next?!]

Mr. Krabs: Puh-Lankton!?!??! 

Mama Krabs: Aye, lad, aye. <3

[OMJ: Really? Does she just say "less than three" there or something?]

[Renegade: No, OMJ, that's supposed to be a heart emote.]

[JCM: Not sure how you'd say a heart emote either.]

Mr. Krabs: But mommy, he's me mortal enemy! He'd stop at nothin' to wrestle away me formuler from me big meaty claws!

[Renegade: What...did you just say...?]

[OMJ: Kinky.]

[JCM: BMC is a fan of this show.]

Mama Krabs: People change, Eugene! Although I can't quite say the same about ye.

[OMJ: Krabs is so cheap, he can't even spare change! Ar ar ar ar ar!]

He's takin' me to dinner here, tonight.

[OMJ: Way to just kick your own son in the balls and keep your foot firmly pressed on it a little.]

Mr. Krabs: WHUUUUUUT?! Mother, are ye tryin' to ruin me restaurant by bringin' that, that BARNACLE here! I forbid ye from seein' that bad man!

[JCM: Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you.]

Mama Krabs: Ye can't tell me who I can or can't see, Eugene! And if ye keep this up, I'll have ye sent to yer room for the rest of the night!

Mr. Krabs: No mommy, please! Don't see that bad man, I beg of ya!

Mama Krabs: Into yer office. 

Mr. Krabs: But- 

Mama Krabs: Now!

[Renegade: Again, first stealing quotes, then entire episodes. Were you creatively sterile back then, OMJ?]

[JCM: Of course not. How could someone who created a show that is literally just dirty rewrites of SpongeBob synopses be creatively sterile?]

Defeated and emasculated by his mother yet again, Eugene H. Krabs heads back into his office with his head down but takes the time to whisper something to his loyal employee. 

Mr. Krabs: See me in me office.

[OMJ: What a rebel.]

[Renegade: wow. such formula. much repetition.]

About fifteen minutes later, Spongebob ventures into old man Krab's office in order to discuss some business. 

Spongebob: You wanted to see me, Mr. Krabs.

[JCM: Yes. Yes he did.]

Krabs is looking over his fireplace as he contemplates doing something he doesn't really want to do.

[OMJ: Ummm, when was this ever a fucking thing in his office? At least the hat rack was a thing, but this is just taking a little too much creative liberties.]

[Renegade: Again, we've seen this formula before...]

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad, it's me other. 

[JCM: His mother from another brother.]

[OMJ: ...Goddammit me.]

[Renegade: Ah-ha! So Pearl's mother IS involved!]

She asks me fer me money left and right and she's bringin' that little barnacle, Plankton, here on a date tonight.

Spongebob: Aww, a date?

Mr. Krabs: There's nothin' to be in awe in here, boy! She could very well ruin me restaurant by letting that bottom feeder seduce the formuler right from under her!

[JCM: He's seducing something out from under her.]

[OMJ: Now I wish I can remove the other half of my mind that has that mental image firmly implanted into it.]

[Renegade: I wish we could get Plankton to steal THIS formula, so we can at least have some originality.]

Spongebob: I don't think your mother would give up your secret family recipe so easily, sir.

[OMJ: I don't know, she is going out with a plankton of all things. She seems pretty easy to me.]

[Renegade: SLOW RIDE. TAKE IT EASY.]

Mr. Krabs: Ye don't know me mother, lad. She be willin' to do anythin' for the sake of gettin' someone into her bloomers.

[JCM: Well, I've read enough of this! Goodnight, everybody!]

[Renegade: You're one to talk, Eugene. Remember...the panty raid?]

[OMJ: Well thank you for agreeing with me about your mother.]

 We need to do somethin' about this, Spongebob. The fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

[OMJ: The third of about 18-21 times the fate of the Krusty Krab will be at stake in this story.]

[Renegade: So OMJ acknowledges the formula of this?]

Spongebob: *gasps* What do you suggest we do, Mr. Krabs?

[Renegade: The same thing we do every episode, SpongeBob...TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! KILL THIS EPISODE'S VICTIM!]

Mr. Krabs: Send her into me office. It's time I stood up to that ungrateful mother of mine and tell her that this is me restaurant! And it's either gonna be my way or the highway!

[OMJ: don't you mean "me way"?]

[Renegade: Yeah, but in this case, Frank Sinatra's involved.]

Spongebob: You can do it, Mr. Krabs!

[OMJ: KICK HER IN HER HAIRY BUSH!]

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad! Now step to it, or else you'll get the boot! And it's very stinky, and ye would have to wear it all day.

[OMJ: Just had to randomly throw that one in there, huh? ]

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs! 

Spongebob marched out and approached Mrs. K, telling her that her son would like to see her in his office in order to apologize for his rather unruly behavior earlier.

Mama Krabs: I could never stay mad at that Eugene. I'm so glad that he's learnin' to compromise for once.

Spongebob: A mother and son shouldn't be fighting, Mrs. Krabs. Now go to him, he needs you. 

Mama Krabs walks over to Eugene's office and opens the door. 

Mama Krabs: Eugene? What are you doing with my bloomers?

[Renegade: ... ] 

The door shut closed behind Mama Krabs. All that could be heard was a loud "YEOW" followed by a cracking sound. The office then fell into dead silence. 

[OMJ: I'm sorry, I should be riffing the hell out of this but this still cracks me up DAHAHAHAHAH! DAHAHAHAHAH! DAHAHAHAHAH-ok I'm done. Just what in the Davy Jones DID HE DO with those bloomers anyway?!]

[Renegade: Murder weapon, I guess?]

Mr. Krabs nonchalantly exited his captain's quarters and breathed a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaaah, the deed is done. =)

[OMJ: What? Did he just go "equals half a parentheses" there?]

[Renegade: No, OMJ, that is a smiley.]

Spongebob: How did she take it, sir?

[OMJ: Judging from the bloomers and Krab "exiting his captain's quarters", I'd say up the butt.]

[Renegade: FREEEEUUUUUUDDDDD! *grabs brain bleach and CHUGS DAT SHIZ*]

Mr. Krabs: Lad, let's just say me mother finally knows about the importance of family. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! But there's still be a small problem we have to deal with, boy. Pray follow, Spongebob. The Krusty Krab is stayin' open late tonight.

[OMJ: Foreshadowing game on fleek.]

Krabs would later throw another load into the freezer, and business went on as usual.

[Renegade: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

[JCM: Did I miss anything? No? Alright, I'm gone again.]

 

[Metal Snake]

Three episodes in, and I think this show is still art. Art that likes to repeat itself, but art nonetheless.

[SpongeOddFan]

yeah, this feels like a repeating show so far, but the riffs are funny tho

[Jjs Goodman]

The Killer Krab

4. PLANKTON! KRABS! Spongebob.

Spoiler

Chapter IV: PLANKTON! KRABS! Spongebob.

[Jjs: Jjs!...is back to riff The Killer Krab after a break! OMJ originally wanted me to riff this back in 2013, but I declined due to having other more riffable things in my mind at the time. I caved in and decided to do it now though, almost 4 years later (wow has it been that long). Since this was liked back in the day, and still is by people, I don't know how many witty things I'll have to say about this, but I guess it's about time we had a challenge to riff instead of just a simple bad spin-off. Then again, Down Under, Bikini Top, and SBC Parallel Universe were also "liked back in the day", and look how those turned out upon riffing. So I guess we'll see how this goes.]

[Renegade: Insert Rocky Horror references here.]

[Hayden:  

Enemy In-Law, which he ripped off right before this, had a reference to this line. Wouldn't surprise me if that's what jogged this next premise and iconic line using.]

[Fred: Insert SpongeBob references here. No wait, OMJ is already doing it for us.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 10, I think]

[Hayden: The ones you missed are going to bug me with that Fred....]

Later that night, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab,

[Jjs: *Rusty Train]

and Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, have made the Krusty Krab out to be a fancy restaurant in order to lull Krab's nemesis, Sheldon J. Plankton, into a false sense of security.

[SpongeBob: Does that mean I have to relearn things about fine dining and breathing?]

[Renegade: And into a sense of redundant exposition.]

[Hayden: Why does he keep repeating the same descriptions for their professions. If you're going to tell us what we're aware of, find new ways to twist the words.]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, do you really think this is gonna work?

[Jjs: When has Mr. Krabs ever been wrong before?]

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad, why back durin' me days in the Navy, the didn't call me ole Iron Abs Krabs fer nothin'! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Renegade: *facepalm* OMJ, it's ARMOR Abs Krabs. Get your show-stealing facts right.]

[Hayden: At least Mr. Krabs is proving to have become a Shell of a Man.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 11. Botched SpongeBob reference but it still counts.]

Spongebob: I don't get it.

[Patrick: I don't either.]

[Fred: I third that emotion.]

[Jjs: 

]

Mr. Krabs: Laugh wit me or yer fired. 

[Mr. Krabs: And I'll ask you into me office so you can get your final "paycheck".]

Spongebob: DAHAAhAAHAAHAA! DAHAHAHAHA! DAHA-

[Mr. Krabs: I said "laugh", not "laugh like a goddamn idiot".]

Mr. Krabs: Get back to work!

Just then, Mr. Krabs' super sniffer kicked in, catching onto the stench of Plankton from across the street, wearing a red rose that obscures his minuscule body.

[Renegade: Hopefully, it's that smelly smell that smells...smelly.]

Mr. Krabs: He be a-comin', boy! We need to get into place! Remember lad, fine dinin' and sheathin'!

[Hayden: That's right SpongeBob. Keep your sword covered for the guest.]

[Renegade: Fine dinin' and BREATHIN'! GOD DAMN IT!]

[Fred: *sigh* Just as soon as I made that reference earlier in my riffs. At least I didn't butcher it like OMJ did.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 12]

Spongebob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs!

[SpongeBob: Yes ma'am. I mean sir. I mean boss. I mean Poobah!]

Mr. Krabs: At ease, ya little yellla guy. Now, I need to get into costume.

[Fred: "Old Yellla" is my favorite dog.]

Krabs enters his office and immediately comes back out with a wig and dressed in his mother's clothing from earlier.

[Renegade: So he's a sweet transvestite? If so, is he from Transsexual, Transylvania?]

[Hayden: All he needed was this swag hat.

 ]

[Fred: I'd insert a "Dude Looks Like a Lady" reference but it's probably gonna be too obvious.]

Spongebob: Hohoho! Looking good, Mr. Krabs! How did you get some of your mother's clothes anyway?

[Mr. Krabs: Uhhhhhh, internet?]

[Jjs: Magic. ] 

[Hayden: During The Panty Raid

  ]

[Renegade: Yeah...how DID he get those clothes, anyway? ...Wait, don't tell me.]

Mr. Krabs: Details, Spongebob. Who needs em'?

[Jjs: Not this chapter, it seems.]

I'll be at the table, you bring him over and I'll take care of the rest. Don't mess this up. The future of the Krusty Krab is at stake!

[Renegade: As always.]

[Hayden: Crazy unhinged scheme of the week time!]

[Jjs: Maybe this time the chapter will raise the "stakes".]

Spongebob: I will never let you down, sir.

[Renegade: He'll never run around and desert you, either.]

[Fred: Had no idea that SpongeBob liked The Chainsmokers.]

Mr. Krabs: That little shit won't know what hit em. Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Fred: It'd be funny if this was an actual SpongeBob episode and Mr. Krabs actually said that.]

[Hayden: He's not a little shit if he smells like roses.]

Plankton reaches the entrance of the Krusty Krab and approaches Spongebob, who is idly standing by waiting to assist. Spongebob tries his hand at speaking the best French accent he could muster.

[Renegade: You know what? I was considering skipping riffing this huge chunk, as it almost directly rips off "Enemy-In-Law", but...some of this stuff is almost too good NOT to pass up.]

[Fred: It's basically if Squilliam Returns and Enemy In-Law made a love child and it turned out completely wrong.]

[Jjs: I can't *raspberry* understand *raspberry* your *raspberry* accent!]

Spongebob: Good evening, sir. Welcome to Chez Krab. Do you have a reservation?

[Plankton: Who the fuck needs a reservation to this greasy hovel?]

Plankton: Why yes, Sheldon J. Plankton, table for two. I have a "date" here waiting for me, who I do not want to keep waiting any longer.

[Hayden: Was this date planned before or after she was murdered? Conveniency police.]

Spongebob: Ah yes. Right this way, monsieur.

Spongebob escorts Plankton to his table, where Krabs lies in wait, obscuring his face with a dinner menu.

Spongebob: Madame, I present to you, your date.

[Jjs: Well OMJ just gave a lot of fuel to Krabs/Plankton shippers.]

Plankton takes off his rose as Krabs puts down his menu, revealing his disguise by merely putting on his mother's slightly broken glasses.

[Renegade: ...OK, I'm just gonna point out this plot hole: wasn't it stated earlier that Mr. Krabs had a full disguise? When did he just have the glasses?]

[Fred: DUDE, LOOKS LIKE A LADY! Sorry, couldn't resist.]

Plankton: You're even more beautiful in person, angel.

[Hayden: And I thought Married to Money was Krankton shipping bait.]

Krabs tries mustering up the best imitation of his mother he could possibly pull off which shouldn't be that hard considering they shared the same voice actor during her first appearance on the show.

[Renegade: FUUUUUUUUUCK, OMJ! GET YOUR DAMN FACTS RIGHT! IN HER FIRST APPEARANCE, MAMA KRABS WAS VOICED BY PAUL TIBBIT, NOT CLANCY BROWN! AND BESIDES THAT, IN THE EPISODE YOU ARE SO OBVIOUSLY RIPPING OFF, SHE HAS A DIFFERENT VOICE ACTRESS: SIRENA IRWIN, WHO IS ALSO HER CURRENT VOICE!]

[Fred: Nice to know that "identical voice" runs in the family. Just ask Eugene's nephews.]

Mr. Krabs: I think ye kindly. I wish I can say the same about ye, but me poor old eyes can't quite pinpoint the location.I hope yer body compensates a for a lil somethin' somethin'. Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Renegade: Great work, OMJ. Did you come up with that dick joke yourself?]

[Hayden: Interspecies sex, let alone sex with a Plankton, is impossible even if Krabs was a lady.]

Plankton: Uh, yeah, I...uh, EXCUSE ME! I can't reach my silverware!

Spongebob: I'm terribly sorry, Monsuier.

Spongebob proceeds to lay down a stack of phonebooks on his chair so Plankton can still reach his rather large silverware.

[Fred: Nice to know that you can steal three exact lines from Enemy In-Law. Too bad Pauly is on the phone looking for a lawyer to sue your ass.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 13]

Spongebob: Would you like snails, water, hand job?

[Jjs: The Krusty Krab has some interesting new things on the menu.]

[Renegade: Did...did SpongeBob just offer to jerk Plankton off?! ...I really don't need that mental image, thank you very much.]

[Fred: One of these things is not like the other!]

[Hayden: Finally, some top notch customer service!]

Plankton: Pardon me?

Spongebob: Water, monsieur?

Plankton: Why yes, that sounds refreshing.

[Hayden: Just how thirsty is Plankton?]

[Jjs: Aren't they already underwater? Wouldn't Plankton be breathing water it as it is? Mindfuck.]

Spongebob takes his leave to fetch the drinks as Krabs continues to lull Plankton into a false sense of security.

[Renegade: And into a sense of repetition.]

Mr. Krabs: Why don't ye tell me more about yeself. You sound like such a loser.

[Fred: Fun fact: "yeself" is not a word. How about you speak English for once?]

Plankton: Excuse me?

Mr. Krabs: A fascinating individual. You sound like such a fascinating individual.

[Hayden: "Loser" and "fascinating individual" sound just alike!]

Plankton: Believe you and me, my dear. I am all that and much, much more.

[Renegade: He's also an evil genius.]

Mr. Krabs: I wouldn't bet on it.

[Hayden: What would you bet on, tightwad? The sun rising tomorrow?]

Plankton: I beg your pardon?

Mr. Krabs You don't say!

Plankton: My hearing must be as my eyesight.

[Renegade: As what?]

[Fred: His hearing must be as bad as his grammar.]

[Jjs: If he's trying to say his hearing is as bad as his eyesight, I guess I can believe that if he can't tell the difference between Mr. Krabs impersonated voice and the real Mama Krabs voice.]

Mr. Krabs: Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

Plankton: Changing subject here, I run my own business. I'm a restauranteur, so to speak.

[Hayden: *Restaurateur.]

Mr. Krabs: So you speak? What's it called?

[Plankton: I call it "Kentucky Fried Chicken".]

Plankton: Oh, it's just a little place. It's called the Chum Bucket.

Mr. Krabs: Never heard of it.

Plankton: But, it's right across the street.

Mr. Krabs: Doesn't ring a bell.

Plankton: There's an ad for it on the back of the phonebook.

[Fred: Again, more stolen dialogue from "Enemy In-Law". Why don't you just copy the whole transcript of "Enemy In-Law" while you're at it?]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 14]

Mr. Krabs: Phonebooks? Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar! Who uses those old things nowadays?

[Fred: Paul Tibbitt uses it to look up names of lawyers to sue your ass.]

Plankton: Come on, you must've heard something. I paid plenty of money for that ad!

[Jjs: I'm guessing you paid as much as it costs to make new episodes of The Fairly OddParents.]

[Fred: Again, another stolen line from the episode. I don't know if I should chalk that up to 15 or just put it with the lines above me. Probably gonna do the latter.]

[Hayden: Ads on phonebooks would seem cheap to me.]

Mr. Krabs: Wait, isn't it the home of the world famous...?

[Mr. Krabs: $5 Chicken Box?]

Plankton: My, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's world famous, but it is quite delicious, it's called the Sloppy-

[Jjs: Seconds?]

[Fred: Calling this episode "sloppy" would be an understatement.]

[Hayden: Nothing sloppy is delicious.]

Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patty?

Plankton: No, it's home would be here.

[Hayden: This is the part where Plankton walks out because he can't take the senility anymore.]

Mr. Krabs: Me son runs this restaurant on his own, don't ya know?

[Jjs: Ya know, it looks like Tom's spirit from Life of Larry the Krab passed onto Mr. Krabs.]

Plankton: Yes, I know it all to well, my dear.

Spongebob: Monsieur, Madame. Chez Krab proudly presents to you, your dinner.

The lights dim as the food is all brought out in song and dance.

[Jjs: "And if you come out in song and dance when delivering my food, I will slap you SO HARD!"

 ]

Krabs is fuming at the thought of how much this display may cost him.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrrrr, Spongebob! I'm gonna kill you!

[Jjs: That's one way to shake up the formula, let's do it.]

[Renegade: Please do. And just kill this spin-off already.]

[Hayden: Pearl probably spent less, but SpongeBob will get away with it.]

Plankton: It is a beautiful display, isn't it?!

[Hayden: What am I looking at?]

Once the plates have been placed on the table, Krabs decides on wrapping this up sooner so that the costs won't be higher than it already is.

[Jjs: And so this chapter doesn't drag on any longer.]

Mr. Krabs: You know, Shelly. Why don't we skip dinner and get straight to dessert.

Plankton: Dessert? You don't say?

[Renegade: ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NONONONONONONONO!]

[Hayden: Now's the perfect time to bring the exploding pie back.]

Mr. Krabs: I'll be in the captain's quarters. Me son isn't here, so we'll have it all to ourselves.

[Fred: Something tells me this is not an elaborate plan anymore. Just more fanservice to the Plankrabs shippers on Deviantart.]

[Hayden: Plankrabs? No, you gotta Krank it up. Also, why wouldn't Krabs be there?]

Spongebob: Care for some coffee, Madame?

Mr. Krabs: Hot coffee, young man.

Plankton: Hotdog!

[Hayden: Krusty Dog.]

Mr. Krabs: Don't keep me waiting.

Krabs strolls on over into his office in order to lure Plankton to his doom. Plankton is overcome with excitement.

[Renegade: ...Probably isn't much.]

[Hayden: The excitement has to be over being able to brag about banging Krabs mom, it can't be about the actual act itself.]

Plankton: Oh my, not only do I get the formula but I get to have a one night stand with Krab's mother AND in his own office! Sheldon, this is your lucky day. Waiter, do you happen to have some wares that, you know, enhances things...in bed.

[Jjs: At least Plankton gets to experience some form of real sex, unlike whatever he does with Karen.]

[Fred: Come to think of it, how would Mr. Krabs and Plankton (I'm not saying they are) have sex. Plankton would probably be squished like a bug. As messed up as it is, I kinda wanna see what that looks like in real life.]

[Hayden: That's probably how this week's splat happens....]

Spongebob: Does a booster accommodate to your likings, monsieur?

Plankton: Booster seat? Hot dog! Have it sent in. Uh, how do I look?

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 15]

Spongebob: Monsieur, you look...FABULOUS! Now get in there, tiger!

[Hayden: So SpongeBob is perfectly okay with the implications of a disguised Krabs having intercourse with their arch rival? For the fate of the Krusty Krab? If you're going to make Krabs devious, make it believable that SpongeBob has not caught on.]

Plankton: I never felt so powerful, so alive! Can we stop?

Spongebob: No, silly! That's how you're supposed to feel!

[Jjs: Okay, minor criticism. I appreciate some of the SpongeBob lines, but I can see why people are getting annoyed at OMJ constantly using them thus far, since I'd rather see OMJ come up with his own witty dialogue, which he's been capable of in his other works.]

Plankton: Well, I like it. Let's do it!

[Fred: Okay! F is for "friends with benefits", U is for "U and me (fucking each other). N is for--you know what fu** I can't complete this parody anymore.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 16]

[Hayden: N is for NO SURVIVORS, down here in Killer Krab's deep blue sea.]

[Renegade: Normally, I'm all for a gay threesome, but in this case...*vomits profusely*]

Spongebob: In there, you animal!

[Jjs: You filthy animal.]

[Hayden: Spongebob is officially trolling us at this point.]

Plankton excitedly runs into Mr. Krab's office.

Plankton: I'm here, my little crab cake!

The door shuts close behind Plankton.

[Mr. Krabs: *wide grin*]

Plankton: KRABS! What are you-GOOD GRIEF HE'S NAKED!!! You can't do this to me, I want to college!

[Jjs: Want to do what to the college? Destroy it? Conquer it? We may never know the answer behind this lulzy typo...]

[Fred: Two references from two different episodes! Looks like I better add two more to the counter.]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 18]

[Renegade: ...]

[Hayden: "I want to college". Same, I would give anything to plunge myself into a college essay that makes this image fall to the wayside.]

 

All that could be heard from there was a brief SPLAT

[Jjs:  ]

before the office fell into dead silence. Krabs nonchalantly waltzes out, naked, before breathing a sigh of relief.

Mr. Krabs: Aaaah, the deed is done. =)

[Mr. Krabs: That's gonna be my catchphrase throughout the whole series!]

[SpongeBob Reference Counter: 19]

[Renegade: Given the context, it sounds like Plankton and Mr. Krabs got busy.]

[Hayden: He didn't need that hand job by the sounds of that "Aaaah".]

Spongebob: How did Plankton take it, sir?

[Renegade: He took it in the butt. And Mr. Krabs permanently blinded him by cumming in his eye. ...OK, I apologize. That was disgusting.]

[Hayden: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW DID HE TAKE IT? NOT 5 SECONDS AGO YOU ENCOURAGED PLANKTON TO GO IN THERE AND HAVE SEX. WHAT WAS SPONGEBOB'S EXPECTATION HERE FOR THE NEWS WHEN KRABS WALKED OUT OF THE OFFICE?!]

Mr. Krabs: Well, me lad. Let's just say Plankton won't be harassin' us ever again. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Jjs: At least OMJ spared us from more repetition with Plankton's schemes. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!]

Spongebob: That's not entirely inconspicuous.

[Renegade: ...At least SpongeBob understands sexual harassment isn't funny.]

[Hayden: Nonsense Spongebob. It's completely inconspicuous. Now go back to being a dumbass and 

 ]

Mr. Krabs: It ain't. I'm just glad he's gone! Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Fred: Never mind "One Coarse Meal", this episode is miles worse than that.]

[Hayden: That was a stolen line up above you too, Fred. Stop getting sloppy like that chum.]

Krabs would later be seen picking something off the floor with a piece of toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet, and business went on as usual.

[Jjs: And the Rusty Train rolled on...whoops, wrong show.]

[Renegade: ...I think this episode nearly broke me.]

[Hayden: The saving grace is that Plankton at least wasn't turned into chum.]

[Fred: Don't know what that had to do with the rest of the episode but okay then. Plankton's probably the thing that was lying on the floor but I don't know and I don't care. Next.]

[Hayden: Uh yeah...Fred....that was Plankton. That's kind of the formula for these chapters. Only it's never been a secret. ] 

 

[Metal Snake]

"How did Plankton take it, sir?"

I know Spongebob has never been very bright...but did he really just help trick Plankton into thinking he and Krabs were going to have sex...under the impression that he just wanted to talk with him? O_O

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

11 minutes ago, Metal Snake said:

I know Spongebob has never been very bright...but did he really just help trick Plankton into thinking he and Krabs were going to have sex...under the impression that he just wanted to talk with him? O_O

Yes. Yes he did. O_O;

[Jjs Goodman]

The Killer Krab

5. A Patty, is a Patty! That's What I Saaaay! (Part 1)

Spoiler

[Fred: Okay, before I begin here with these riffs, I'd like to point out the complaints people have gotten about the "SpongeBob Reference Counter 4.0" not working correctly. I re-calibrated it to make it recount all of the SB references throughout the entire series so far. Speaking of, how many do we have so far, Mr. Reference Counter?]

[SRC:  ]

[Fred: That's better. Now on with these riffs we go!]

Chapter V: A Patty, is a Patty! That's What I Saaaay! (Part 1)

[OMJ: What, is Part 2 gonna be "And Fries Should Be Fries, In a Waaaay!"?]

[Renegade: And Part 3 is...y'know what? This joke's overused. Anyways, it's good to have some continuity, finally.]

[Fred: 

]

[SRC: 44]

One day, Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, was listening to some Dubstep 

[OMJ: His favorite artist being Krillex. I'll stop.]

[Renegade: Maybe it's Electric Zoo. Or the one that goes "bee-boo-boo-bop".]

[Fred: If I didn't know any better, I'd think that OMJ meant "Electric Zoo" but he referred to it as dubstep. Should we count this as a stolen reference?]

in his office while counting the money in his vault like he usually does all day, everyday.

[Fred: Yeah, slightly. Add it.]

[SRC: 45]

[OMJ: Somebody needs to use all that money to get laid.]

[Renegade: 

]

He beeps and hoops to the beat as flaunts his immense wealth.

[OMJ: 

Proofreading game on fleek.]

[Fred: WELCOME TO THE KRAB JAM

HERE'S YOUR CHANCE, COUNT YOUR CASH

AT THE KRAB JAAAAAAM, ALRIGHT]

Out at the register, Spongebob Squarepants, Head Fry Cook & Cashier, keeps the money in check to his boss' content. Spongebob foolishly drops all the coins in the register onto the ground, which is loud enough for Krabs to hear as he storms out to tend to his babies.

[OMJ: Now I'm wondering who their mothers are.]

[Renegade: Do they pay child support?]

Spongebob scurries to pick them all up but Krabs knocks him out of the way, causing the coins to hit the floor again before picking them all up, himself.

[SRC: 46]

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, daddy's here! What in Neptune's name were you doin', lad! You gone and soiled em'!

[OMJ: I'd say he was handling the situation at least halfway well until you came and just knocked all your kids back to ground for no rhyme or reason.]

Spongebob: SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!

[OMJ: Way to soil that reference.]

[Renegade: OK, OMJ...STOP. WITH THE STOLEN QUOTES. IT'S GETTING ANNOYING.]

[SRC: 47]

Mr. Krabs: I gotcha!

Krabs takes his spare change and takes them to the sink

[OMJ: Before taking them under the running water that works in taking the dirt off their surfaces.]

 to wash them all out, but get his big meaty claw stuck in the drain and pulls his groin, gushing blood everywhere.

[Fred: Just so you guys know, I'm counting this with the above reference.]

[OMJ: I'm sorta sure that doesn't happen, but whatever makes the reader "WTF" out loud.]

[Renegade: He pulled. His groin. HOW IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK OF ZORDON DO YOU DO THAT?!]

Mr. Krabs: ME BIG MEATY CLAW!

[OMJ: The mash up of those two reference literally hurt ME AAAARRRRRMSSS!]

[SRC: 48]

Spongebob: Oh no, not again.

[OMJ: To every reference made in this story ever.]

The EMTs arrived to escort Krabs to Weenie Hut General,

[OMJ: Because a pulled groin that gushes blood is kids stuff, dontcha know.]

[Renegade: What, is he suffering from a bad case of boo-boos?]

[Fred: Why not escort him to Super Weenie Hut General?]

 ut Krabs had something to tell Spongebob before he left.

Mr. Krabs: Lad, you're in charge of the Krusty Krab while I'm gone. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, boy...or I'll kill ye.

[OMJ: Woah! Spoiler alert, much?]

[Renegade: ...Wow.]

And with those words, Krabs made his dramatic exit.

[Renegade: He made a dramatic exit...on a gurney?]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I. Will. Not. LET YOU DOWN!

Spongebob gets down on all fours and proceeds to do some push-ups.

Spongebob: Krusty KRAB! Krusty KRAB! Krusty KRAB!

[Fred: So suddenly, we go from Squid's Day Off to The Fry Cook Games? Wow, that was fast.]

[SRC: 49]

[OMJ: 

]

And just then, a large, ominous, bloated figure swung open the glass doors and plopped his way into the establishment. 

[OMJ: ACS?]

Spongebob breaks his arms from trying to support himself as he cant help but gasp at this looming figure.

[Renegade: Oh, great. Now SB needs to go to Weenie Hut General.]

Spongebob: Bubble Bass.

[OMJ: Close enough. I mean, they're both grade A bullshitters.]

[Renegade: Yeah, but ACS is FAR more tolerable.]

Bubble Bass: Squarepants.

Spongebob: I hear you're...kind of an asshole.

[OMJ: Something else they have in common.]

Bubble Bass: I hear you...wear false eyelashes.

[OMJ: Nahhh, that's Sauce.  ]

[Renegade: OMJ x Sauce. I ship it.]

[Fred: Oh yeah? Well, I hear you like to use or steal random references to SpongeBob. Speaking of...]

[SRC: 50 (NEW RECORD!)]

Spongebob: Who told you that?!- I mean, can I take your order?

Bubble Bass: I'll take a double triple bossy deluxe, on a raft, 4x4 animal style, extra shingles with the shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim.

[OMJ: Throw in carnival style too while you're still hot? Wait, there's another chapter for that.]

[Renegade: *screams internally because I can't take these references anymore* Three chapters, left, Renny-boy...come on, you can make it...]

[SRC: 51]

Spongebob: Animal style? What do you plan on doing with your food, sir?

[OMJ: Get your mind out of the gutter SpongeBob, that is a perfectly acceptable term for cooking it in mustard and all that shit. And you're supposed to be a master fry cook.]

[Renegade: If he plans to do it doggy-style, count me out. I don't go for fat, sweaty sacks of shit.]

Bubble Bass: It's what it says on the tin, Squarepants. 

[ACS: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin ]

[Fred: So like, do I have to take a live animal, boil it with hot oil and rip out its--]

So make it, I don't pay it.

[OMJ: Good deals.  ]

Knowing Krabs would kill him if a customer came and went without even eating, or worse, paying. Spongebob heads to the back and throws a regular patty together, because why not. 

[OMJ: When in doubt, just botch the order.]

[Renegade: No, OMJ, it's "when in doubt, pinkie out".]

Bubble Ass may not even be able to taste the difference.

[Fred: That poor lonely capital "B" got left out of "Bass". ]

[OMJ: If he doesn't already see the difference first, that is.]

Meanwhile, at Weenie Hut Jr., Krabs, who doesn't qualify for Obamacare, is placed in front of the soda machine to help save some money.

[OMJ: So not qualifying for Obamacare means you're also relegated to seek medical attention at a hotdog joint? Well shit. Relish In Peace.]

[Renegade: I thought he was at Weenie Hut General? Damn it, not even the episodes WITH continuity have it!]

[Fred: Krabs is too much of a weenie for Weenie Hut General. They had to move him somewhere else. That being said, didn't something like that happen in The Lost Mattress? I'm getting too ahead of myself.]

[SRC: 52]

Suddenly, green smoke engulfs the hall and the Flying Dutchman makes his presence known, 

[OMJ: Damn, that green smoke had me thinking it was the Red Baron for a second there.]

[Renegade: Either that, or my farts from last night...yeah, seems I'm running outta riffs for this one.]

waking Krabs from his pain-induced coma.

[Renegade: AGAIN with this negative continuity?! DAMN, IF THERE'S ANY MORE OF THIS, I'LL TAKE MORE VICTIM-OF-THE-WEEK EPISODES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!]

Flying Dutchman: Eugene H. Krabs! I have come for you!

[OMJ: Pause.]

[Renegade: That's what she said.]

Mr. Krabs: NOOO! This must be a mistake! I'm not Eugene Krabs!

[Fred: ohai Born Again Krabs]

[SRC: 53]

[Renegade: Oh God, not another lifted plotline!]

Flying Dutchman: You're not Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krabs?

[OMJ: How can you not be sure that he's Eugene H. Krabs?! This story hasn't reminded you enough yet!]

Mr. Krabs: Of course I'm not, and I be damn well sure of it! About as sure as I know ye ain't Bill Murray's brother.

[OMJ: Haha, meta humor.]

[Renegade: You don't know who Bill Murray is!]

[Fred: No, he's Cap'n K'nuckles, member?]

Flying Dutchman: Yer lucky I ain't makin' ye walk the plank fer that!

[OMJ: Alright shit, I didn't think it was a touchy subject.]

Mr. Krabs: My name's Harold, um, Flower! Harold Flower, yes!

[OMJ: Better than anything the Jjs Name Generator could come up with.]

[SRC: 54]

Flying Dutchman: My apologies, Mr. Flower. I'll leave ye to the the rest of yer life.

[The Dutchman: I'll just forget the fact I threatened your life anyway just now for saying I was Bill Murray's brother.]

The Dutchman waltzes on over to the nurse's desk and asks for the location of Eugene H, Krabs. 

[OMJ: Darn, if I wasn't a dumb and actually made this at Weenie Hut Jr's, this would've been a great opportunity to shoehorn in the Robot Waiter.]

Krabs can only sweat in fear as he's retrained to his life support.

[OMJ: Never pull your groin, folks.]

Flying Dutchman: Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking for a Eugene Krabs.

Nurse: Oh, he's right down the hall there.

Flying Dutchman: Oho no, no. That's Harold Flower.

Nurse: Harold Flower? lols.

[Renegade: Did she actually just say "lols"? ...]

[Nurse: Has this story not hammered it into your skull by now?]

[Fred: Look, if you want to make a spin-off with SpongeBob references, by all means, do. But please, for the love of god, stop copy-and-pasting scripts from actual SpongeBob episodes.]

The Dutchman blasts back into the hall, not amused at almost being duped like that.

Flying Dutchman: SO, ye think ye can dupe the Flying Dutchman like that, eh?! Eugene H. Krabs, fer that, ye be takin' a trip to Davy Jones' locker!

Mr. Krabs: But why Me, oh great Flying Dutchman?! 

[OMJ: Don't you see that he refers to himself in the first person in caps? Why, he's even greater than you.]

Take me mother instead, she doesn't have much else to live fer!

[Mr. Krabs: You hear that, Mommy! If I'm going down, I'm taking you down there with me too!]

[OMJ: 

]

Flying Dutchman: I have already taken her, like I've taken yer daughter, mortal enemy and employee! It's time ye answered fer yer crimes, Krabs! And I be yer judge, jury and executioner!

[OMJ: Talk about bias in the courtroom.]

Mr. Krabs: NOOO! Please, don't take me away from me money. It's all I got left and I'm all they have left! I'll change me ways! Yo HO! Yo HO! Kill another soul, I will never go!

[SRC: 55]

[OMJ: 

]

Sailor's promise. Please, I BEG OF YE! Have mercy!

Flying Dutchman: Enough! Ye have a second chance at redemption.

[Renegade: Even though he's apparently destined for Davey Jones' Locker?]

[OMJ: Just like that?]

[Fred: It's just like Krabs said in that one episode. All it takes to convince people is to beg and plead.]

Mr. Krabs: Really?

[OMJ: Even he's surprised!]

Flying Dutchman: No, I haven't shown mercy in OVER 9000 YEARS: Muahahahahah!

[OMJ: So not only did I make a shameless SpongeBob reference, but also a shameless meme reference. I was just on fire!]

[Renegade: *twitching slightly* GRAND DAD?! ...FLEENSTONES?!1 AAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!]

[SRC: 56]

[YTP Meme Counter: Aw, heeeeeell naw, don't drag me into this. *goes away*]

And with that, Flying Dutchman drags Krabs to hell in order to place him into Davy Jones locker. Meanwhile, back at the Krusty Krab, Bubble devours his heart attack on a bun

[Fred: Bubble? Bubble Bass? Bubble Buddy? Michael Buble? Who are you talking about?]

OMJ: I guess I didn't have the budget for the word "Bass".

[Renegade: Because you know I'm all about dat bass, bout dat bass, no treble.]

 as Spongebob stands by to see if he has something snide to say.

Bubble Bass: It's pretty good...but you for got one thing, 

[OMJ: We know, we know. YOU FORGOT THE PICKLEEEEEEESSSZZZZ!]

YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT CRY! Ehehehehehe! Ehehehehe!

[Renegade: ...Wow. You actually managed to subvert our expectations. Good job, OMJ.]

[OMJ: Well, I am on the verge of tears right now. If it makes you feel better!]

Spongebob: But I-I, swore I did!

[OMJ: What a peculiarly placed comma.]

Spongebob takes the patty and throws it on the ground, picking it apart, breaking down as he does so.

Spongebob: Cry! Cry! Why aren't you crying?!

[SpongeBob: The fate of the Krusty Krab teeters on the tears of a burger!]

[Krabby Patty:   ]

Bubble Bass: At least something's crying. It looks like YOU LOSE.

[OMJ: Burn him and let him swim.]

Spongebob: Don't cry, don't-don't cry! Whatever you do, Spongebob, don't...WAAAAH!

[OMJ: 

]

[SRC: 57]

Bubble Bass: I'll take my refund now, as per your guarantee.

Spongebob knows Krabs would kill him if he found out they actually had to give a refund,

[OMJ: Or just for breathing at this point. Which wouldn't be surprising since he's already billed them for that in Squid On Strike.]

but our playful sponge had no choice and had to honor the guarantee. Because through this all, at least we know the Krusty Krab has some honor.

[OMJ: The Krusty Krab!

  ]

Bubble Bass takes his money and make his leave, lauding and panting as he plops on out of there.

[OMJ: COULDNTEVENPROOFREADITTILTHEENDCOULDYOU,YOUFUCKINGMISSRABLELITTLEPIECEOF- Well, at least he praised him for getting his order deliberately wrong. ]

Spongebob can only cradle into fetal position at this terrible turn of events. The fate of the Krusty Krab was at stake under his watch and he let it down...and most of all, he let you down, precious little Krabby Patty, and business didn't go on as usual.

[Fred: The End?]

[SRC Count So Far: 57]

[OMJ: Oh thank Neptune, story over. Time to move onto Post Fiction!]

[Renegade: Thank God that trainwreck's done...oh, wait...I still have three more episodes left, don't I?]

 

[fortnitefan12]

Just wanted to comment on something here:

Quote

but get his big meaty claw stuck in the drain and pulls his groin, gushing blood everywhere.

Um, wtf? I know OMJ already said something on this, but still. Never have I felt more uncomfortable looking at a sentence. O_O