Wumbo's Somewhat Informed Opinions on Music

[Doctor Sex]

Bonus: I Need a Doctor - Dr. Dre ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey

 

 

Skylar Grey is pretty much the only thing I like about this track. Eminem's seriously laughable here. He's ACCENTUATING his LYRICS like he's ANGRY but I don't REALLY know WHAT he's SUPPOSED to be ANGRY about.

 

all I know is you came to me when I was at my lowest

you picked me up, breathed new life in me

I owe my life to you

 

And I'M SO ANGRY ABOUT IT! Actually, he sounds less angry and more constipated.

 

And the less said about Dr. Dre on this, the better. This is by far his worst set of lyrics. You know, for someone who used a gay slur in this song, he sure sounds homo-erotic here.

 

now that I need them, I don't see none of them

all I see is Slim

fuck all you fair-weather friends

all I need is him

 

Like, this is actually adorable, and I don't think it's supposed to be.

 

you gon' see us in our lab jackets and ask us where the fuck we been?

 

Your... lab jackets?

 

You can kiss my indecisive ass crack

 

This is the lyric where I decided to stop taking Dr. Dre seriously. Your "indecisive ass crack"? Maybe they are constipated.

 

This is such an unintentionally goofy song, and it's both the best and worst thing at the same time. They both sound angry, but I have no idea why Eminem does and Dr. Dre waters down his anger with lyrics like "indecisive ass cr-" I'm sorry I can't.

 

4/10

What really got me mad was when they showed Eazy-E's tombstone at the end of the video like Dre needs to stop kissing his ass he even did in a few tracks in The Chronic 2001 which is actually good

[Wumbo]

Yeah, it was kind of odd to see that after he basically said "Eminem is the only one I care about fuck you all."

[Wumbo]

 

Well, I never thought that

would be an appropriate song to get subject matter from. But I guess I was wrong. I could actually get behind this song, up until this part:

 

And I never cheated (I mean, maybe once, twice)

 

Yep. Right there just destroyed any chance of me thinking that this song would be good/ That's not to say it doesn't have any redeeming qualities. Lil Wayne has one clever line:

 

And you already know you're too fly

But baby, don't get your hair caught in the propellers

 

And having Jhene Aiko doing the outro kind of helps:

 

...Baby

Last time calling me baby

Last time calling me crazy

Crazy, crazy

 

But for every step in the right direction this song takes, it takes two steps back. Jhene Aiko's outro is kind of nullified by the fact that she helps sing a chorus with this line:

 

 

Why you let these hoes tear what we had right apart

 

Duets only work when the lyric applies to both parties, guy.

 

And the rest of Lil Wayne/Big Sean's stuff is pretty forgettable dreck. But this song does do one more thing right:

 

I drank too much, please call me a cabby

 

Cabs save lives. Take it from the http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn1VGytzXus.

 

But sorry Big Sean, even a statement that would make MADD happy won't help you here.

 

5/10

 

 

I've looked at Miley Cyrus as the wrecking ball of the music industry as of late, so this should be interesting.

 

Well, this isn't nearly as bad as http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrUvu1mlWco. In fact, it's a pretty okay song. I still don't find Miley Cyrus's voice to be that strong, but at least the subject matter and lyrics are something I can get behind. As far as Cyrus songs go, I'd put it just above "The Climb", which is a pretty mediocre song. This is slightly above mediocre.

 

7/10

 

 

I wonder how many security guards were needed for the woman in this video?

 

Okay, you know what? Enough. Whenever I criticize Christ Brown, it seems that his despicable personality always slips in. So today, I'm going to ignore the fact that he's a waste of oxygen as a person, and see if his music is up to par.

 

Till we get it right

We gon fuck some mo

 

I'll just leave this rape whistle on standby.

 

This song is kind of confusing. It's a sex song, but it sounds like neither performer is particularly good at sex, especially with the above phrase repeated ad nauseam. I have more evidence on this as well:

 

When I try I swear it's never enough

I messed up

Maybe this thing here just ain't meant for us

 

What follows is:

 

Baby you let go

And I'll pull you back

I let go

You ain't having that

 

It's like neither has any idea what they're doing. I mean, the closest I've come is Rosie Palm, but even I think this sounds pathetic.

 

So, do I like the song? No. It's kind of uncomfortable, almost like watching two people who don't know how to do it do it, and failing. But then they try again, when they really shouldn't.

 

...

 

FUCK YOU CHRIS BROWN FUCKING ASSHOLE

 

Welp, I tried.

 

4/10

 

 

And every guy here's doin' the same girl

 

I'll just leave this here. No actually, I read this lyric entirely the wrong way. It makes more sense if you add the previous lyric:

 

I've been lookin' at you

And every guy here's doin' the same girl

 

Doesn't quite have the same impact as a mass orgy happening in some bar, but whatever.

 

The song as a whole, I kind of like. (Talk like Yoda, I sometimes do.) I like that the title of this song is apparently the only line this guy can think of to speak to the latest bombshell. Beyond that, it's a catchy country song, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Not tepid or annoying like other country songs though.

 

7.5/10

 

 

This is stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

 

Did I mention how stupid it is?

 

First off, this guy sounds like Future without Autotune. I'm not sure what sounds worse.

 

I'm not even going to dissect the lyrics, because there is nothing here. Not a single thing of importance, intelligence or interest. Even this guy's name pisses me off. It's like some stereotypically bad country artist calling himself Redneck Hick Billy Bob.

 

The one thing about this song that I can even kind of say I like is the guy shouting in the background. If you're keeping up with America's Got Talent like I am, he reminds me of Tone The Chiefrocca, aka the B double O T Y guy, who I really love for being ridiculously funny. But even the guy in this song's not funny 100% of the time, and thus this song fails on all accounts.

 

1/10

[Wumbo]

 

Well, Eminem's back! And I'm still ridiculously torn on this track. Let me start off by saying that this is Eminem's best set of lyrics in a long time.

 

They say that love is powerful as cough syrup and Styrofoam

All I know is I fell asleep and woke up in that Monte Carlo

With the ugly Kardashian

Lamar, oh sorry yo, we done both set the bar low

 

But I can't get behind much of the musical composition. I guess the sampling was a good idea, as that is a kickass song, and Eminem made it work. I'm not sure about the Beastie Boys impression he was doing in the first verse, which actually highlights my main problem with this song: Eminem's voice. Granted, at least he's not doing the Peewee Herman laugh, but he's really all over the place and... kind of berserk with his rapping style. Whether this was the intention or not, it rubs me the wrong way.

 

Overall, I guess it works out to an okay song. It's certainly more edgy than anything Eminem's done in the past seven or so years. While not perfect, it's at least a valiant effort Eminem's making to bring back the real Slim Shady.

 

7/10

 

 

Can I just point out something that's becoming a disturbing trend in music videos? Stop putting that ugly text over everything. I watch music videos to watch a video, not read ugly, garish text telling me what's in the video.

 

Now, I don't have the music video linked here because that version featured 2 Chainz, and while I'm not a huge Kendrick Lamar fan, I at least wanted to give this song a fighting chance.

 

And this... this needs all the chances it can get. You know, after the "Blurred Lines" backlash, maybe releasing a song like this wasn't the best idea.

 

Wooo! I got a gift for ya

I got this for ya, a little Thicke for ya

A big kiss for ya, I got a hit for ya

Big dick for ya, let me give it to ya

Baby baby, I got a call for ya

I got a whip for ya, black car for ya

Ball hard for ya, I know you wanna get fancy

I know you wanna start dancin

 

Somebody tell Thicke his ego is showing. Please? Also, "I got a whip for ya"? I'm just saying, maybe S&M isn't the best follow-up to "Blurred Lines". And Kendrick... what are you doing?

 

Uh, you're like a needle in a haystack

Uh, I wanna sit you where my face at

 

Uh, life can leave a dick loved

Uh, now you gettin this dick, love

 

True, I never really liked Kendrick Lamar, but at least I could say that I admired that he wasn't like most other rappers out there, talking to or about "hoes". Er, subject matter aside though, there are some good lyrics here.

 

Uh, lunch with a few Mai-Tais

Uh, purple kisses on my tie

 

Teehee.

 

I don't know. This almost feels like I'm listening to an audio clip from a Robin Thicke sex tape. And really, with a name like Robin Thicke, that should be his career, rather than churning out mediocre songs.

 

5/10

 

Oh Sweet Lorraine - Green Show Studio ft. Jacob Colgan

 

Now, how can I be expected to critique this? Dammit Billboard.

 

Well, here's the story behind it, anyway: Fred Stobaugh, a 96-year-old man, wrote this song for his wife of 75 years who had recently passed away. It was recorded by the artist above, and became a hit on iTunes. And if that video doesn't make your heart melt, it's made of stone, my friend.

 

Ugh... I don't want to do this. I mean, I don't find anything wrong with the song, but it is a little simple. Of course, the guy is 96, and it has a very sweet story behind it. Fuck it, this is my freebie of the year. Top marks.

 

10/10

 

 

Ah, now here's someone I can criticize.

 

Unfortunately, not too badly this time around. Another sweet song, I guess, but Blake Shelton's not a 96-year-old man, so naturally I can't let him slide for being a little boring. I definitely believe there's a place for slower, softer music like this... but it's not on my iPod. Boom!

 

Nah, I don't hate the song. It's just kind of generic and dull. Heck, I kind of prefer "Boys Round Here" just for being livelier and more fun to listen to, even if the lyrical content isn't up to scratch. Here, it's just okay lyrically and musically. 

 

6/10

 

 

Well, if nothing else, this explains the gorilla on the album cover.

 

This is a very interesting song, to say the least. "Gorilla" is an interesting simile to compare to making love like pros. It might make more sense if I were a zoologist, but as it is, I'm picturing two fat, hairy apes performing coitus and it's not a pleasant sight. But the music here is almost enough to make up for the oddball simile. It's a great composition, slow but loud and proud. And the effect is that whatever Bruno Mars chooses to say here, I can feel it. He could be singing about how he really likes pancakes in the morning and I would believe that he loooves those pancakes.

 

In fact, I think I'm starting to see the "gorilla" simile here. Wild animal-like fucking. Passionate wild animal-like fucking.

 

Uh... I should probably quit while he's ahead. Great song.

 

8/10

[Wumbo]

 

This cracked the Billboard Top 40, and I think I want to quit life.

 

What, you think it's some overdramatic dance song like

or

(both of which I love, by the way)? No, you'd be wrong there. No, this song has one question, and it's not "If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?"

 

What the fox say?

 

This is a song questioning what sound a fox makes. Because

 

Dog goes woof

Cat goes meow

Bird goes tweet

and mouse goes squeek

 

Cow goes moo

Frog goes croak

and the elephant goes toot

 

Ducks say quack

and fish go blub

and the seal goes ow ow ow

 

But theres one sound

That no one knows

What does the fox say? 

 

But obviously, zero of this is meant to be taken seriously. And I know others here don't seem to find it funny, but I do. Yeah, it's stupid. But sometimes I like stupid. This is one of those times. But it really shouldn't be on the Billboard charts. It's like the Charlie Bit My Finger Remix being on the charts. It's kind of wrong. But it's still a funny song to me.

 

8/10

 

 

I really, really love the lyrics here. But this guy's voice... it's a little more tolerable when there's more instrumentation, but I cannot stand it at the beginning and end. He sounds like a chipmunk version of James Blunt.

 

​But I'm willing to forgive it for these great lyrics. The comparisons here really capture that feeling of regret when you let someone you love go.

 

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

 

So great lyrics saved this song. Otherwise, it might have been lucky to get a 610. But musically, it at least sounds sincere, so even though the guy has an off-putting voice, I can dig it.

 

7.5/10

 

 

Hey guys, Tim McGraw likes southern girls! Is this new information to anybody? No? Then let's continue.

 

This is a nice enough, if generic, country song, but there's one lyric I want to make note of here:

 

Comes over to me with them sunburned lips and them

Kisses sweeter than Tupelo honey

 

Uh... sunburned lips? I get that this is supposed to mean that the girl is rough and tough and not afraid to get down and dirty... but I wouldn't be kissing anybody if I had sunburned lips, nor would I particularly like it if anyone kissed me with sunburned lips.

 

But whatever floats your boat, Tim McGraw. Sadly, this song is only okay.

 

6.5/10

 

 

If you don't know that I'm a Lana Del Rey fan by now, go back through this thread and do your homework. And this song isn't much of an exception to that rule. But I do have one quibble about the chorus:

 

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

 

Uh... this is just me, Lana, but it sounds more like you don't know that he will.

 

But other than that, it's a beautiful song. Lana knows how to go over-the-top with her stuff without making it sound horribly fake. And it pays off in this song. Slow, but powerful.

 

8.5/10

 

 

You know, I've been bored by rappers. I've been pissed off by rappers. But I don't think that any rapper has thoroughly baffled me yet. Until now. What the hell is this guy talking about?

 

Let's start with the hook, which ids the most baffling part, because it just repeats this:

 

And she gon' shake it, like a red nose

Li-li-li-li-like a red nose

And she gon' shake it, like a red nose

Like a, like a, like a red nose

 

Dude, repeating this will not make it make any more sense. My first impression of this was that he thinks clowns shake their red noses? As part of the act? But then I see this lyric:

 

I told her shake it like a red nose pitbull

 

And now... it still doesn't make sense. Dogs aren't known for shaking their asses. Wagging their tails, yes. But I'll be damned if you start making a dog's happy gesture sexualized like this.

 

That booty talkin' to me, what that shit say?

Shake it for the dojo I'm the sensei

Once you wobble, got my song on replay

Almost got'er at house, up off Kingsway

 

Is she... shaking her ass while you're driving her to your house? Tell her to put a seatbelt on!

 

Cake-cake-cake-cake birthday suit

 

First off, do not give me war flashbacks of "Birthday Cake". And secondly... really? You couldn't think of a better phrase to introduce "birthday suit" than repeating "cake" over and over?

 

Damn in a little I'mma forget your age soon

 

I visibly shuddered at this. I think it might have been entertaining to see, but alas, I did not get it on video. But please, please tell me I'm reading that lyric wrong. Did you remember to get someone over 18, Sage? Did you?

 

I told her time to go to work, clock in

Go on open up, I'm a locksmith

 

Then... why don't you open up? I don't expect to drive cab drivers around.

 

I... I can't take it anymore. This guy's lyrics are so bad I think he killed a couple of my brain cells. I'm Wumbo and I'm out. But before I go:

 

2/10

[Clappy]

I understand that "The Fox" is suppose to be funny, but I don't know what the joke is.

[Wumbo]

It's just stupid humor. There's really no joke, even I'll admit that.

 

But seriously, what does the fox say?

[Wumbo]

Gonna do something a little different this week. An editorial, if you will.

 

Billboard Hot 100 Counting YouTube Views: Yay or Nay?

 

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm a little late to this debate. But there are a few reasons I bring it up:

 

1. It's an interesting debate (at least in my opinion).

 

2. Because of this phenomenon, I was able to successfully predict Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" hitting #1. (see Clappy's Billboard thread. Not one to toot me own horn, but toot toot!)

 

Okay, let's start with a little recent history. Billboard's adding of YouTube views to the criteria began in February 2013. And that's what's really important to know for me to make my points. Why?

 

Remember a little song and dance craze called... Gangnam Style?

 

 

1 and a half billion views and counting. No matter what you think of the song, that is impressive.

 

So with such popularity, you'd expect this song to hit #1 on Billboard, right? Well... not exactly. Want to see the song preventing it from doing so?

 

 

I'm sorry Maroon 5, but there is no way your song was a bigger hit than "Gangnam Style" at the time. And that was exactly the problem. YouTube views didn't mean squat back then. And I believe that this was the tipping point. Billboard couldn't ignore it any longer. YouTube was taking over the music industry, and they had to do something about it.

 

So which song marked the beginning of YouTube's influence on the Billboard charts?

 

 

Oh, brother.

 

And it's not the only song that I believe reached #1 mainly because of YouTube. There's no way that "Blurred Lines" would have lasted as long as it did if people didn't keep viewing the controversial video. And I highly doubt "Wrecking Ball" would have been the latest #1 single if the YouTube video didn't have something to do with it.

 

I hated Harlem Shake, Blurred Lines started out mediocre and slowly went downhill from there, and Wrecking Ball is okay, but definitely not #1-worthy. So, was the move to include YouTube views worth it?

 

Well, it's definitely changed what's construed s "popular" on the Billboard charts. Beforehand, the criteria for songs to reach #1 was that they had to have ample airplay on the radio, and be a top seller. That meant that people had to really like the song for it to reach #1. 

 

But songs aren't necessarily liked anymore to reach #1. Heck, they don't even have to be the main focal point. I'm fairly certain no one was watching Harlem Shake videos for the music. "Blurred Lines" has just as many naysayers, possibly even more, as it does fans, and one need not look very far to find parodies of "Wrecking Ball" getting millions of hits.

 

So now it's not necessarily how popular a song is, it's how well know it is, whether this be by means of fame or infamy. With this in mind, was it the right move? I'm going to give a cautious "yes", because no matter how hated a well-known song might be, it's still well-known. And it's everywhere. I think a song that takes the world by storm, for better or for worse, should top the charts.

 

"But Wumbo, now a bunch of bad songs will top the charts!" Well, here's a small sampling of what topped the charts before this was put into place:

 

 

 

 

There's always been shitty, popular music. It's just that now songs that people hate are being taken into account as well as songs that people loved for some goddamned reason. The Billboard charts were never exactly a safehouse full of good, well-thought-out music. If you don't want a song to hit #1, then don't watch the video. Don't give it attention. It's a similar principle to not buying a song if you didn't like it.

 

Finally, folks, the bottom line is it's just a stupid list. Listen to what you want.

[Doctor Sex]

I've been on a rac kick lately can you review this

[Elastic Dawg]

I've been on a rac kick lately can you review this

 

Oh, RAC shit time? Allllright. Wumbo, brah, you gotta review this catchy piece of shit.

 

[Wumbo]

Hello, all. First off, I'd like to thank everybody who had interest in this mini-blog of sorts. For a whiny teenager banging away at a keyboard about the Billboard charts, my idea became a lot more popular than I thought it would be. I would definitely not continue this if it weren't for the fans. So once again, thank you all so much.

 

I will review these final two songs suggested to me in this thread, but afterwards, I'm taking my reviewing a step further by creating my own blog where I will review one song per week, more in-depth than I have ever been. There will be repeats, but there will be more insight into these songs and what I really think about them. I will post the links here, so you can still read my reviewing glory. But the days of 5 songs a week are gone, unfortunately. Kisses.

[Sweat]

[Wumbo]

He's Red - Skullhead

 

I really like this. It's a high-energy tune that kind of sounds like an angrier Sex Pistols to me, ad that's saying something. I've never been the hugest Sex Pistols fan, but they do have their moments. And this just appeals to me. The lyrics... eh. I'm not really getting a message here. They seem to be a bunch of disjointed, controversial lines. But I dig the energy and feeling this gives off. Good track.

 

7.5/10

 

White Rider - Skrewdriver

 

Kind of a simple song here, but I like it well enough. Tells a good, simple story about this "white rider". Not a huge fan of the guy's singing voice (it sounds like he's singing "white rabbit" at points), but again, I do like the energy on this song. It never seems to die out or falter, keeping a steady yet wild flow.

 

7.5/10

[Wumbo]

Okay, change of plans. I'm just going to continue my posts here. The first few are going to be rehashes, but my opinions may have changed and I'll go a lot more in-depth with the songs. It's probably best if you start with these reviews. In fact, I may trash this thread and start a new one. Every Tuesday will be a currently high-charting song, and every Friday will be a song that has charted highly in the past. Here we go.

 

"Wrecking Ball" - Miley Cyrus

 

Let's start things off by talking about Miley Cyrus. Unless you've been living under the clichéd rock, you know about Miley Cyrus. Chances are, you'd also like to stop knowing about Miley Cyrus. Let's face it: she started out terrible and she never went up.

In fact, she's gotten worse as the years progressed. Don't get me wrong, I still absolutely hated songs earlier in her career like

Even for disposable tweeny-bop Disney music, they were particularly disposable in their genre, what with their outlandishly terrible lyrics and Miley's wretched singing. That's right, I'm here to voice unpopular opinions like "Miley Cyrus couldn't sing and still can't." Her voice sounded exactly like you would expect a teenage girl's voice to sound like: whiny, annoying, and reeking of "Listen to me!" without giving us something worthwhile to listen to.

 

But even though the Miley Cyrus of yesteryear was a particularly bad standout in a music subcategory divorced from any meaning and emotion, at least it wasn't... "We Can't Stop".

 

 

This song is Miley Cyrus' worst, and believe me, she does not have a shortage of bad songs. It's supposed to be a party song, I guess, but this song does not make me want to party. It makes me want to weep for humanity. Seriously, this is a depressing song. The vocals, beat, and lyrics are all lifeless. I can't understand why anyone would listen to it; it's not emotionally deep for a ballad, and it's not upbeat for a party song. It's an out-of-place anomaly that shouldn't be popular, kind of like Cyrus herself.

So join me, new readers, as we dive into Miley's newest single, "Wrecking Ball". I'm sure that, as the title implies, it will be yet another wreck of a song!

 

We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

 

Um... holy crap, I think I actually like this.

 

I mean, it's real, it's emotional. It's Miley Cyrus at her most believably emotional, certainly more so than the likes of "The Climb", which is a hacky motivational poster of a song. No, I'm actually digging this. Continue.

 

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

 

...Wow. I haven't found anything to criticize yet. It's just... a good song so far. And I don't even mean "good for Miley Cyrus", I mean this is good. Well, what's the chorus sound like? I'm sure there's something to criticize...

 

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
 

Could this be a flawless Miley Cyrus song?

 

Her voice... actually sounds half-decent throughout the whole thing. Even if they're not the strongest vocals, at least they do enough to hold up the subject matter. The lyrics are relevant, even clever. Come on, there must be something to make fun of here!

 

Oh, yeah. People aren't watching this for the song, are they?

 

 

Yes, in case you're wondering, the reason Miley Cyrus had her first #1 hit is because of Billboard's policy to include YouTube streaming in determining their rankings. Was it the right move? Well, that's debatable. But there's no question that no matter how good the song is, the reasoning behind its #1 placement is that it's riding on the coattails of the video. And oh God, is this one a doozy. Licking sledgehammers? Riding naked on wrecking balls? Did I click on a Lady Gaga video by accident?

 

Actually, no. That's an insult to Lady Gaga, who's crazy, but at least classy about it. This looks like Miley Cyrus is going for the sexualisation angle, but just not cutting it. "Hey, I'm licking a sledgehammer! That's sexy, right?"

 

It's a shame, really. Because I love this song. It's definitely the best thing Miley's ever done, and it's one of the most emotionally authentic I think I've heard out of this year. But the video just muddles the message of the song, with Miley showing off her ass and licking sledgehammers... okay, that thing is probably germy as fuck! You put that down right now before you get tetanus or something!

 

So, bottom line: the song works, but the video doesn't.