Elastic's Reviews of Various Things

[Elastic Dawg]

So, I had a little grindhouse/exploitation kick this week. Mine as well review what I saw. Spoilers aplenty.

I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

Classic rape/revenge movie. Poor Jennifer tries to get away from the city for a while and moves to a remote cabin. This local group of friends wants their mentally-challenged friend to lose his virginity, and he says she's pretty hot. So, naturally, they track her down and gang-rape her. And before you ask, the scene isn't really 45 minutes. At least it didn't feel like that to me. They leave her for dead in her cabin, and send the mentally challenged guy to make sure she's dead. The poor guy gets nervous and doesn't do it. It turns out she survived, and she hunts them down, one by one. It's got nice cinematography, some nice gore during her roaring rampage of revenge, and an awesome one-liner at the end. It might be a little much for some people, but if you like this kind of shit, check it out.

OVERALL: 9/10

Last House On Dead End Street (1977)

This movie's fucking otherworldly. Basically, this porn director named Terry Hawkins is released from prison after 1 year on a drug charge, and he wants to take revenge on society. It takes some hard thinking until he comes to the logical conclusion: snuff films! He decides to get some friends to help him do the killings. The scenes where he's making the films are quite unsetlling and gory, and that's alright by me. It does feel like a whole lot was cut out; which it should, because this was originally some sort of 3-hour art piece cut into a 77 minute exploitation movie. It helps that the director spent most of the budget on drugs, too. This is a hard movie to recommend. If you're a seasoned trashhound like me, you'll love it. If not, well, I don't know what to say. But I dug it.

OVERALL: 9/10

Last House On The Left (1972)

Wes Craven's directional debut, and it shows. It's cheap, nasty, and unforgiving. Two teenage girls want to go out to a rock concert, and on the way try to score some weed. In the mean time, a group of escaped convicts are hanging around, trying to stay under the radar. Guess who the girls try to score the drugs from? The foursome (or threesome, as it's apparent member Junior does not want anything to do with it) abuse the girls emotionally and physically, and then kill them (i've heard that one of them survives in a scene cut from a movie, but i'm not quite sure about that). All of this happens while the parents try to get two bumbling cops to investigate the disappearance of the two girls. The foursome then seek refuge in the parents house, and shit goes down. The best part of this movie is probably David Hess's brilliant performance is Krug Stillo, the sick leader of the group. He's just so easy to hate. The whole movie plays out like a 70s sitcom gone horribly wrong, and I love it. Also worth mentioning is the chicken lady, who easily provides the biggest laughs sillier bits. Overall, it's cheap, nasty, and unforgiving, and I fucking love it.

OVERALL: 9/10

Eaten Alive (1977)

Tobe Hooper's trashy and trippy follow-up to his eternal classic the Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and hoo boy, what a movie. The "plot" is people try to stay at a seedy motel surrounded by fog. It's run by the lovably cruel Judd, who feeds most of the patrons to his pet alligator, which is made of plastic. It's still got that weird, surreal ambiance from Chainsaw, which is never a bad thing. There's also a country soundtrack, which another online friend described as "a demented country jukebox from hell," to which I couldn't agree more. The movie also feels like it takes place in hell. There's just so much evil about it. I didn't like it as much as I liked the other three, but it was still a kick-ass exploitation work of art. Definitely recommended.

OVERALL: 8/10

Here's another one I watched this week that doesn't quite fit in with the others, but I mine as well review it as well.

The Doom Generation (1995)

Gregg Araki's "bad taste teen movie" or "heterosexual movie", and boy does it show. The story concerns two young lovers named Amy and Jordan (played by Rose McGowan and James Duvall, respectively) who don't feel they fit in. Then they run across a bisexual drifter named Xavier, who Amy is convinced is some sort of, as she would probably put it, "fucking demon." Eventually, Amy grows to like Xavier, and makes sweet, sweet love to him. Jordan doesn't seem to mind, though. There's a running gag about Amy's former lovers being weirdos (one works Carnoburger, the film's fast food eatery, and the other is some sort of transsexual who ends up stabbing a guy in the dick, and has the

) They all end up having a threesome, and get caught by Neo-Nazis, who end up murdering and castrating poor Jordan. It's violent, colorful, vulgar, and pansexual. Definitely one to watch, but it seems to be (unjustly) hated by a lot of people, so watch out.

OVERALL: 7/10

[Elastic Dawg]

You guys wanna suggest shit to review?

[Old Man Jenkins]

Faces of Death for the blood orgy scene alone.

[Elastic Dawg]

I got it downloaded, in terrible quality, as it should be seen.

There's a nifty 30 minute-docu with it, too.

[Clappy]

The Crying Game

[Steel Sponge]

Would you review the Leprechaun series?

[Old Man Jenkins]

Would you review the Leprechaun series?

Oooh, this! ^

[Elastic Dawg]

The only Lep movie i've seen in it's entirety is the first one, and bits of the others on tv. Merchants Square (PA represent!) has some sort of box set there, though. If I have the money and resources I might just pick it up.

I'll probably with Lep in the Hood on it's own for the lulz.

[Elastic Dawg]

Some more random reviews. I'll do a VanBebber collection at some point, but for now...

Leprechaun In Tha Hood (2000)

Well...if you're expecting any sort of quality, avoid at all costs. However, if bad movies make you moist you're gonna need to see this. Basically the "plot" is...yeah I don't really know/remember at this point. It has something to do with a rap group trying to become successful, and Lep doing his thang in between. Did I mention Ice T shows up as a foul-mouthed pimp? In order to stop the Lep's rampage of carnage, the one guy...disguises himself as a hooker and gives him a blunt with a four-leaf clover. If you're into mind-boggling stupidness and/or masterful arthouse cinema, give this one a go.

OVERALL: 3/10

Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend (1989)

One IMDB user referred to it as "nightmarish and bizarre", and honestly, I can't really argue. The feature opens with some sort of demon sex party going on in hell, while an ominous voice explains why mankind is fucked. This sets the mood for the rest of the film. After this, there's a pretty polarizing switch to modern-day (read: 80s) high school, where this swell guy named Nagumo is spying on cheerleaders and diddling his noodle. This is about as classy as it gets. After being caught and brutally mocked for it, he decides to go outside for some fresh air. He sees Akemi, this cheerleader he's got the hots for, being led into a room for a "conference" with a female teacher. Then shit goes down, and the movie gets it's rep as fucked up porn for sickos. Honestly, it's more like plot with porn (ala Wicked City or Night of the Hunted, which i'll look at below). The main flaw here is that it doesn't make any sense, as it was originally three separate OVAs (read: short animated films) cut up and dubbed into English (hilariously, I might add. "Looking for cheap thrills, AHS-HOLE?") Most of the more pornographic material, such as, erm, "money shots" were removed. The movie contains all sorts of depravity (castration, rape, DEMON RAPE EXPLOSIONS!, and more rape just to name a few), but it's all so over the top it's impossible to take seriously. Seriously, it's almost absurdist. Overall, it's flawed, confusing, and occasionally tedious, but fuck, I love it.

OVERALL: 9/10

Night of the Hunted (1980)

This was a little gem I stumbled upon on Netflix, after hearing about it being "dystopian erotica." Honestly, that's a pretty accurate description. Released in 1980, this was vamp-porn director Jean Rollin's first and (as far as I know) only venture into the sci-fi genre. The plot concerns a man named Robert running into this naked blonde chick (apparently named Elizabeth), who claims to loose her memory all the goddamn time. Being the swell kind of guy he is, he brings her back to his apartment and fucks her brains out (sort of literally, lol) However, this guy who looks like Roger Ebert and his annoying French girlfriend takes her back to this building, referred to as the "Black Tower", where other patients with a similar condition are being held. Robert (who looks like docta on xat if you're curious) is determined to get her back, but who gives a shit? There's all sorts of crazy-ass things going down in the Black Tower! There's a corrupt guard who rapes other "prisoners" before being bashed to death in the head, a lesbian chick who commits suicide via scissor-in-the-eyes, and more sex scenes! When Robert finally finds Elizabeth and is reunited, it appears she does not remember him and cannot speak. I won't spoil the ending, as it is quite beautiful. The cinematography, being a Jean Rollin film and all, is to die for. Overall, this is definitely one to watch if you're looking for something different.

OVERALL: 7/10

God Bless America (2011)

A modern film that's somewhat well-known? Believe it or not, yes. Watched this one this morning and couldn't be more satisfied. Even my parents got sucked into watching it, it's just that good. Well, Frank is a man who is terminally ill. He suffers from crippling insomnia and spends his nights dealing with his annoying neighbors (and their baby) and watching the worst reality tv has to offer. After his doctor tells him he has an inoperable brain tumor, he basically says fuck it and decides to drive down to the high school of a spoiled brat he saw on a Sweet 16 show, locks her inside her car, and tries to blow it the fuck up. However, this doesn't quite work the way he hopes, as it doesn't explode, so he just yet again says fuck it and shoots her in the head. An outcast girl named Roxy notices this, and finds it awesome. She decides to join Frank, although he is anxious at first. However, once they murder the girls parents, their friendship is solidified. I don't even wanna give away any more. What a fucking movie. To quote an RYM friend of mine, "the 21st century deserves this movie." I, and i'm sure many others, can relate to Frank's pretty big hatred of society in general, and some of us wish we could do what he does (i'm sure some copycat crimes ala Natural Born Killers are just waiting to happen) This is the kind of movie they should make more of. Funny, ultraviolent satire that i'd definitely come back to.

OVERALL: 9/10

Forgot how fun these are to write. I'll try to get more up as I watch more shit.

[Elastic Dawg]

More shiiiiit! Richard Kern, Divine, and more!

The Right Side of My Brain (1985)

Lemme start this review by saying I love Richard Kern. For those of you who aren't in the know, his "films" (or shorts or video clips or whatever you want to call them) are repulsive and bizarre. This one didn't do much for me, though. The plot is basically...well, it's Lydia Lunch getting fucked for 20 minutes, in black and white, with some incoherent voice-over. It's amusing for what it is I guess, but i'd have to say this is one of my lesser-liked Kern films. He has another black and white "feature", known as "Fingered", which I would love to see. Still worth a watch, just don't expect anything other than softcore porn.

OVERALL: 5/10

Submit To Me (1985)

Now this is one of my favorite Kern pieces. There's not plot or anything, it's just fucked up, erotic imagery with the Butthole Surfers' "Cherub" playing in the background. Some real weirdos here, I guess the best way to describe it is a freakshow set to music I love. It's like Kern was thinking of me when he made this. I still haven't seen the follow-up, "Submit To Me Now", but I plan to once I find it. All hail Kern.

OVERALL: 9/10

You Killed Me First (1986)

Another Kern classick, just for you. In this one, god-tier weirdo Lung Leg plays one of two daughters in an average American family. The other daughter is "flawless", while Lung Leg is treated like shit and acts as such. My personal favorite part is when she rejects her mother buying her a crappy sweater, and her mom replies: "Oh, I thought maybe you could write 'fuck' or 'anarchy' on it." Of course, there's also a memorable scene where the father takes poor Lung Leg's rabbit and kills it. Don't worry, it's not a real animal (unlike several other movies i've seen) It all comes to a shockingly bloody conclusion, which ends with a TITLE DROP! Just a hilarious and subversive film, definitely worth your time, regardless of whether you like Cinema of Transgression shit or not.

OVERALL: 9/10

Pink Flamingos (1972)

Ladies and gentlemen, the ONE, the ONLY, the TRUE trash epic! Really, this is one helluva trashterpiece, and probably John Waters' biggest cult flick. The plot concerns Babs Johnson (played by the one and only Divine) and her fucked up family, living in a trailer home, known as the "filthiest people alive." However, a rich, successful, and twisted couple, Raymond and Connie Marble, wish to take that title for themselves, and oh god, do they try. But Divine ain't gonna let that shit happen. It's beyond gross, made even moreso by the fact that a lot of the movie (such as the infamous chicken and dogshit scenes) isn't faked. Divine puts it better than I can: "Filth are my politics, filth is my life!" Truly worthy of all the "praise" it gets. I need to watch more John Waters classicks. Mondo Trasho, Multiple Maniacs, Female Trouble and Desperate Living are definitely on my to watch list. Stop reading and go watch this. You won't be disappointed.

OVERALL: 10/10

Schramm: Into The Mind of a Killer (1994)

Disturbing and artistic feature we have here, from the sickfuck mind of Jorg Buttgereit. This hour-long trip is basically just what the title says: an experience in the mind of a killer. We see him as he kills Jehovah's Witnesses (one of the funnier scenes in an otherwise humorless movie), plays with a fucktoy (he also washes it out), is harassed by vagina monsters, and tries to get into the pants of one of his lady friends. Another scene, which is quite possibly the nastiest thing ever filmed, features the killer

Spoiler

hammering nails into his penis, shown in graphic close-up

. The worst part of the whole scene, however, is that it isn't simulated. Apparently there are sickshits/painless peeps out there who do this as some sort of performance art. All I gotta say is, it really made me cringe. I can't wait to see Buttgereit's Nekromantik movies and Der Todesking. For some odd reason, all are allowed on Youtube, and are up there to watch. Do what you must.

OVERALL: 8/10

Cutting Moments (1997)

One hella effective half-hour short we have here. Not much happens for the first 15 minutes or so, but when it happens, it feels like a total gutpunch. It starts out as a fairly normal tale of a crumbling marriage, and a poor child caught in between, except it's told with no dialogue. The poor wife tries to get the husband's attention while he watches television, but to no avail. She decides there is only one way to get his attention...

Spoiler

and it's self mutilation. Very graphic at that, she cuts off her lip with a pair of scissors, and it's done horribly realistic.

This gets her husband's attention, so they decide to have sex, except it involves

Spoiler

scissors and a very uncomfortable place.

It's quite good, but absolutely NOT for the faint of heart. Another e-friend said it best: " it's hard not to call it gratuitous, but it's also just as hard to explain how it is gratuitous. It's not really horror. It's more like drama that reaches a thoroughly horrific level." Recommended, but only if you can handle it.

OVERALL: 7/10

[Elastic Dawg]

MoremoreMORE!

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains (1981)

For a long time, this was an extremely rare and sought after movie, mostly known for playing on USA's "Night Flight" block in the 80s, and being passed around from friend to friend. I myself saw it on Netflix, and it's apparently been released on DVD. Well anyways, on the with thy review! The plot concerns a 14 year old girl named Corrine "Third Degree" Burns, who is done dealing with her mother's shit. So she and her sisters go out and start a band. In one of the film's best scenes, they open for a band of has-been rockers named The Metal Corpses (with Fee Waybill giving a brilliant performance as their sleazy leader), along with a fellow punk band called the Looters. Corrine sings a song about being a "waste of time", which I thought was really fucking cool. Sadly, they get booed off. The film chronicles their rise to fame and their fall, with an interesting ending that can be taken as either sad or happy. Steve Jones and Paul Cook from the Clash play punk rockers, obviously, and Black Randy and the Metrosquad show up, which I thought was really fucking righteous. This is one of those hidden gems that's pretty under-seen. If you like punk and/or the current riot grrl movement, it wouldn't hurt to watch this. Skunkmania lives!

OVERALL: 7/10

Nekromantik (1987)

...Yep, it's that movie. Y'know, the one about sex with dead people. However, given the title, it's done rather tastefully and not as exploitive as it's reputation would suggest. Hell, i'd even go as far as to call it an art film. In it, a man named Rob works as a street cleaner, helping to dispose of bodies and clean up gruesome accidents. His girlfriend suggests bringing one home, and Rob obliges. In a strangely comedic moment in an otherwise pretty serious movie, his girlfriend gives the poor corpse a metal pole and lubes it up so she can have fun times. However, the girlfriend takes more interest in the corpse than in him, and leaves a note saying she's leaving him. Poor Rob has a mental breakdown, and his poor cat goes splat-splat. He goes to see some sort of cheap horror movie, which I found to be pretty awesome. There's also a graphic, real-life skinning of a rabbit, which made me cringe. When the end comes, despite how cheap it looks, it hits hard. I'd feel dirty typing it out, so go check this movie out. It's on Youtube with no subtitles. But who cares...it's just a cheap exploitation flick after all, right? I'll let you be the judge.

OVERALL: 8/10

A Certain Sacrifice (1979/1985)

Oh dear. This is basically some sort of weird underground revenge drama, shot on Super8 in 1979 but not released until 1985. It also stars a little girl named Louise Ciccone, who you may better know as Madonna. That's right, it's that kind of movie. I guess the plot concerns Madonna's boyfriend sending some street trash to gang rape her, after which she arranges vengeance via satanic cult. It's pretty incoherent, and in bad quality to boot, so my plot synopsis may not be accurate. However, it is a fascinating watch if you dig No Wave Cinema/Cinema of Transgression stuff, and seeing stars before they were famous. It exists, and I can say that's alright by me.

OVERALL: 7/10

Where Evil Dwells (1985)

Bizarre and beautiful. It's a half-hour long Cinema of Transgression take on Ricky "Say You Love Satan" Kasso (aka the Acid King). I didn't really get that vibe from it, excluding the first half. The first half, which features (probably illegally) AC/DC's "Hell Bells", has it's fare share of awesomeness (the dummy thing scared the shit out of me), the second half is absolute madness. There's one sequence I found awesome in particular, in which some sort of devil/demon thing did a little dance. I just get moist whenever I see devils/demons on film. It's so damn cool. Well anyway, the last half is either some sort of weird cult practice, or hell itself. Also worth mentioning is Wiseblood's "Where Evil Dwells", which is featured throughout the film to great effect. Overall, this is one of the coolest things i've ever seen, and my favorite COT piece to date. C-c-check it out.

OVERALL: 10/10

Next time: Trippy italian horror, splattery kung fu goodness, and tedium saved by demonic gross-outs!

[Elastic Dawg]

As promised, here we go.

Suspiria (1977)

Ohhhh yessss. A film that, to quote Eli Roth, puts the "gore in gorgeous." The very loose plot concerns an American girl moving into a ballet academy, only to experience unexplainable happenings. I can't really sum it up much more without spoiling anything. The movie feels like some sort of weird dream, with the awkward dialogue (there's reason for this; Dario Argento intended the movie to be about little girls, but executives didn't like the idea of a giallo involving children; hence we have adults who sound like kids) and ultraviolent murder scenes. It's also beautifully shot, which is to be expected from an Italian horror flick (i'll review The Beyond and Cannibal Holocaust at some point). The sets are like something out of a Dali painting, and I can dig that. The ending is totally out there, and somewhat reasonable. Let's just say there's a nasty corpse involved! Overall, this has to be one of the greatest movies i've ever seen. I love everything about it. I see more Argento in my future.

OVERALL: 10/10

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

So cheesy and gory it could only be made of Velveeda with body parts. This has to be one of the most utterly ridiculous things i've seen, and that's saying something. The plot involves a guy named Ricky, who is sent to prison for manslaughter (he only gets about 10 years, somehow). The prison is secretly run by the corrupt Gang of Four who kill, abuse, and whatever else they please. Ricky doesn't enjoy their bullshit, and BLOWS THEM THE FUCK UP WITH A TOUCH OF HIS FINGER! Seriously, these guys should've learned by the first 20 minutes that messing with Ricky is a bad idea. He punches a guy's forehead off for god's sake! As Ricky's legend grows, so do his supporters. He's determined to take down those corrupt motherfuckers, BECAUSE HE'S RICKY! There's also a hilarious flashback involving the death of his girlfriend, which contains possibly the most unemotional death i've seen. Overall, this truly is something that needs to be seen to be believed. I put it off for far too long.

OVERALL: 10/10

The Unholy (1988)

This one seems to have a pretty shitty rep, and I don't really see why. It might have to do with the fact that it's a supernatural drama/thriller mixed with super-cheesy 80s horror, which is admittedly polarizing at times. But overall, it's just average. The plot concerns a priest tracking murders that are reportedly being committed by the devil himself. It's a pretty slow-burn flick, with some cool sequences in between (I particularly found the satanic nightclub sacrifice hilarious), and one (literal) hell of an ending. Holy shit, what an ending. It's so gratuitous, and really doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the movie, which just doubles the awesome. Apparently one guy who had a hand in designing Hellraiser had something to do with this film, which would explain it. Would I recommend it? Not really. However, I can say it's rep as a fucking terrible movie is unwarranted. Give it a look-see sometime.

OVERALL: 5/10

The Burning (1981)

Oh, Netflix, where would I be without you? This is one hella cool slasher, regardless of whether it ripped off Friday the 13th or not. Hell, i'd even say I like this better. Moving on, basically, there's a summer camp. There's idiotic kids. There's a killer out for revenge. You can see where this is going. Did I mention one of these kids is George Castanza? Yep, Jason Alexander, pre-Seinfeld, is here in all his glory, as the cool kid who orders porn for his fellow campers. It does take a while to get going, but it's still quite entertaining to see the wacky camp hijinks. And when shit goes down, it hits hard. Tom Savini does special effects, so the kill scenes are top-notch. Worth mentioning is the raft massacre, which is one of the coolest and unexpected moments of freeform gore in any movie i've ever seen. Cropsy is also a brilliant concept for a slasher killer, and he's apparently based on a popular urban legend. So yeah, if you love bloody slashers, you gotta see this one. Truly a blood-soaked gem.

OVERALL: 8/10

Next time: a transvestite serial killer who has a surprisingly easy time getting jobs, a fun-lovin' family of cannibals who single-handedly freak the shit out of the innocent, and a cancer patient who helps out those in need through torture!

[Elastic Dawg]

I was gonna review the Sleepaway Camp trilogy, Texas Chainsaw, and Saw, but meh. Been watching too many things on Netflix lately, so let's go with that.

The Toxic Avenger (1984)

Supremely loveable trash, courtesy of the one and only Troma. Well, the basic plot is that this nerd named Melvin works at the local YMCA-thang, and is a skinny nerd who's constantly mocked by the assholes who frequent such places. (ftr, I have a gym-at-home thing in my basement, so i've never dealt with these people. My apologies to anyone who goes to such places and is offended.) Eventually, they pull a prank that goes too far, and Melvin ends up, well, mutating. He decides these types of people have no reason to live, and goes around cleaning up Tromaville, one scumbag at a time. He also falls in love with a blind girl, who's oblivious to his deformities, which makes for some great (and gross) laughs. Overall, this is one of those cheesy 80s classicks you really need to see to believe. I need more Troma in my life.

OVERALL: 9/10

Re-Animator (1985)

Another 80s splatter-comedy classick for ya'll. Based on the Lovecraft story of the same name, though both are apparently very, very different (i've never read the story, so...) The plot concerns Dr. Herbert West (played brilliantly by Jeffrey Combs), a sociopathic scientist obsessed with reanimating the dead. He drags his acquaintance Dan and his (as in Dan's) girlfriend Megan into the whole situation, and the guy who runs the medical school gets outraged. Can they successfully continue their experiments without getting fucked over by morals and the law? There's plenty of splattery violence, and some very dark humor as well (including a scene that gives new meaning to the term 'give head') My favorite character had to be the black janitor guy, who wasn't in the movie much, but made me giggle when he was. This is a film deserving of it's reputation. Foh realz.

OVERALL: 10/10

Thriller: A Cruel Picture (aka They Call Her One Eye) (1974)

Welp, it's Sweden's take on the rape-revenge movie. And wow, what a depressing motherfucker this one is. It starts off with a young girl being violated by a dirty old man in a park (off-screen, but you can still figure it out), and becoming mute because of the shock. Give up yet? Well, she goes to live on a farm, and she does just fine. Then, one day, this sleazy fuck picks her up on the road (his excuse being "you can't say no"...it's that kind of movie) and brings her back to his apartment, where he drugs her and gets her hooked on heroin. The poor girl is then forced into prostitution and what I find interesting is this movie's display of her job. There's plenty of penetration shots and all. All the sex is rather sickening though, which is what it sets out to do. Christina Lindberg is gorgeous, regardless of whether she's portraying a child prostitute or not. She tries to attack a customer, and is punished in a non-faked eye-gouging scene (less messy than you'd expect, surprisingly) Eventually, she says 'fuck dis shit' and studies the art of kung fu and blowing scumbags away with a slo-mo shotgun. The murder sequences are generally well-done, even if they do get tedious (srsly, there's a lot of slo-mo) Overall, i'd say i'm pleased with this one. Whole thing's on YT, so what are you waiting for?

OVERALL: 9/10

Bay of Blood aka Twitch of the Death Nerve (1971)

Ahhh, the movie that inspired Friday the 13th and countless others. The movie opens on a husband murdering his wife, in a cool, gialloish way of course. The rest of the movie is basically her heirs bickering and then getting murdered in awesome, bloody ways (again, much like in Friday the 13th) It's beautifully shot (it is an Italian horror film after all), the acting is good for what it is, and the music is soothing and unsettling (much like, yet again, Friday the 13th) That's really all I gotta say about this one. I feel like my review should be longer, but meh. Just check it out, it's a fantastic slasher with a totally out-there lolwut ending.

OVERALL: 8/10

Fascination (1979)

It took me long enough, but i've finally seen a Jean Rollin vampire flick. The two Rollin flicks I saw before (The Iron Rose and Night of the Hunted) were cool and bizarre, but they aren't his most popular. This is apparently one of his best works, but I found it to be just pretty good. The plot concerns a criminal taking refuge in a castle, which is strangely deserted, save for two strange women. These women turn out to be lovers, and we get a nice lesbian love scene. If there's one thing I appreciate about Jean Rollin, it's his love for nudity. Just like the previous two flicks, this one has plenty of nudity (okay, Iron Rose had sex, but not much nudity. Night of the Hunted made up for this by being borderline dystopian erotica.) As the movie progresses, the girls behavior gets odder and odder until a pretty righteous, blood soaked ending, which I won't spoil. Let's just say, they're not really vampires. What else can I say? Rollin's growing on me. And with the nice, long Thanksgiving break, imma be thankful for Netflix's large library of his films.

OVERALL: 6/10

[Elastic Dawg]

Well, i've seen a lot lately. So imma put down what I need to review.

Galaxy of Terror (1981)

Class of Nuke 'em High (1986)

Poultreygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)

Natural Born Killers (1994)

The Living Dead Girl (1982)

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Grass Labyrinth (1979)

Tucker & Dale VS. Evil (2010)

Akira (1988)

Hardware (1990)

Dust Devil (1992)

I'd add Otaku, but i'm not good at tackling docus, so yeah.

[Elastic Dawg]

I'm bored.

Glass Labyrinth (1979)

Weird, 40-something minute art piece from underground Japanese director Shuji Terayama. The plot is...well, details are foggy at the moment. There was something about a weird romance between some guy and a female prostitute I guess? His mother don't like this shit, Again, this was an art piece, so FUCK PLOT! It's kinda like looking at a painting I guess. The ending is totally off the wall and nuts (reminded me of Hausu in fact). If you're looking for sense, you'll find none here. If you're looking for surrealist fantasy with horror elements, you've found what you're looking for.

OVERALL: 7/10

Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

Speaking of high art, I was on a Troma kick fairly recently. This was one of 'em I watched, and I found it to be totally fucking awesome. Basically, there's a chemical plant near Tromaville High, and some of the radiation gets into the school. Not only do the kids get mutated, but the honors society turns into NO-GOOD PUNKS! As expected for a Troma production, there's sex and gore in excess. Okay, well there's less sex than you'd expect, but there's still some good shit here. I think my favorite part was some sort of weird hallucination/dream sequence where this chick saw a mutant baby rip out of her stomach. Cheap gore ftw! It's cheap, dumb, and offensive, but that's why I love it.

OVERALL: 8/10

Galaxy of Terror (1981)

Oh hey, it's Alien's batshit crazy drug-addicted cousin. God bless Netflix as i've been meaning to see this one for a while. The plot is a little bit muddled and incoherent to say the least, but i'll try to sum it up: ship goes to planet, planet is evil, everyone hallucinates their greatest fears and die. I guess the best way to put is if Alien, Jacob's Ladder, and Cube had some sort of unholy child. In fact, some of the scenery near the end of the movie looked EXACTLY like the sets in Cube. Inspiration perhaps? As for the Jacob's Ladder connection...remember that scene where Jacob's girlfriend is at the party, and starts gettin' freaky with that tentacle thing? Well, there's a scene like that, except with a giant maggot. It's gross, but so OTT and cheesy I couldn't help but laugh. Sid Haig (Captain Howdy from the Rob Zombie movies) and Robert Englund (of Freddy fame) have early roles here, and it's fun to see them. The ending makes zero sense, but hey who cares? It's a bad acid trip of a sci-fi movie, and there's no reason you shouldn't see it.

OVERALL: 9/10

Akira (1988)

Well, if you know me, you know i'm a pretty big anime fan (mostly cheesy Lovecraftian hentai, but anime nonetheless) However, I didn't get around to this one until recently after being told it's the best anime movie ever countless times. Honestly, it's hard to argue. Kaneda, the leader of a biker gang, has a friend named Tetsuo. Tetsuo, while cruisin' around, crashes into some sort of psychic weirdo ghost child thingy and gains psychic powers. After this, he is taken in by the government. I shall not say more, but it had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. For being 2 hours long, it never feels tedious or boring. The animation, as everyone says, is drop-dead gorgeous. i'm amazed this whole thing was done by hand. I think the best part was near the end, when Tetsuo begins to mutate. THAT is the epitome of beautiful animation, folks. So yeah, this is a must-see. It's relatively easy to find so what are you waiting for?

OVERALL: 10/10

[Elastic Dawg]

Low-budget 80s cheeze time!

 

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

 

This is super-duper-goofy. I'll put it this way: it's Roger Corman's take on "Creature From the Black Lagoon" themes, with added (literally; the director didn't want it to be the T&A splatterfest it ended up as) sex and gore! Basically some of sort of unknown new fish species pop up. These aren't friendly little critters however, but bastard mutants that kill men and rape women! It's up to the cast to try and figure out what it is and stop it before it gets any worse! The idea of evil rapist monsters is a little disturbing in and of itself and it can be done well (see "Possession"), but the silly, cheap appearance of the monsters during the rape scenes make them more laughable than anything. The last twenty minutes of the flick is just an orgy of chaos and destruction; really must be seen to be believed. The ending is pretty cool, too. Overall, if you like trashy and/or campy gorefests, this is a must-see.

 

OVERALL: 8/10

 

C.H.U.D. (1984)

 

This is basically a silly monster movie...set in the dirtiest and scummiest areas of New York! Basically, there's been a rash of killings lately, and everyone who's witnessed them claims they were caused by a "monster." Lo and behold, the sewer dwellers have been mutated by contaminated toxic waste! It's up to a quirky group of characters to shed light on this terrible act of inhumanity. A neat movie for sure, but I felt it dragged a lot in places. That being said, I was very tired when I viewed it. It's got all the ingredients of a good movie to me (silly monsters, a little bit of gore here and there, fun characters, cool setting, etc), but I didn't enjoy it as much as I expected. I definitely plan on rewatching and reevaluating it at some point, so the cult of C.H.U.D. can rest assured I may end up appreciating it more. But for now, i'll give it an okay rating. P.S. Look for young John Goodman as a cop!

 

OVERALL: 6.5/10

 

Breeders (1986)

 

...Annnnd then we have this one. Pretty similar plot to "Humanoids from the Deep", except this time the monsters are disguised as fashion photographers in New York! Scuzzy, 70s-80s New York at that. I guess I could say it reminds me of "Humanoids" mixed with "C.H.U.D." As with "C.H.U.D.", there's some awesome scenery, but not many quirky (or memorable) characters. On the "Humanoids from the Deep" side of the spectrum, in this one, they were smart enough not to show the monster rape (which, given the appearance of the "breeders", is a blessing). There's plenty of titties, though. It's likely this was a no-budget direct-to-video release, and it does show. Again, this one has a wild ending, which i'll spoil because let's face it, how many of you are actually gonna bother to track this down? Not getting off-topic, three words: alien jizz bathtub. And it is glorious. So yeah, it's total trash, but amusingly so. I'm curious about the rest of Tim Kincaid's filmography (aka "Mutant Hunt" and a bunch of shit no one cares about anymore.)

 

OVERALL: 6/10

 

The Brain (1988)

 

This just recently got added to Netflix, which is nice, seeing how Netflix is sorely lacking in 70s-80s horror gems that I haven't seen (get on it, Netflix peepz!). Well, anyway, the plot of this one is that the severed head yo-dah-lin' guy from "Re-Animator" is a "psychiatrist" who runs a tv show to help troubled teens and the like. Well, you see, the whole thing's bullshit and just a reason for him to feed knowledge to his giant pet brain thingy! One trouble-making teen sees beyond this and tries to stop him with his gal pal. Will he succeed? Watch it and find out! This has the same satirical vibe as "They Live" (which came out the same year, coincidentally), and feels very trippy. Kinda like some sort of hallucination. But yeah, fun, fun stuff. A shame it's not on DVD or better known.

 

OVERALL: 8/10

 

Definitely more cummin' ur way.

[Sweat]

Review a popular movie now.

[Doctor Sex]

Yo do a review with screenshots of the uncut Overfiend ovas

[Elastic Dawg]

Review a popular movie now.

 

Not really into that kinda stuff, but a few newer, more popular movies i've seen ("Django Unchained", the "Evil Dead" remake) might warrant a review.

 

Yo do a review with screenshots of the uncut Overfiend ovas

 

I've been considering this for a while. Now that i've finally seen 'em i'll see if I have the time.

[Elastic Dawg]

Fulcifest 2013!!!

 

Zombie aka Zombi 2 (1979)

 

Slow-moving, but GRUESOME. This is considered one of the trashiest zombie flicks ever made, and I can't really argue. It smells likes scuzz, even when not much is happening (which is surprisingly a lot of the first hour). The plot is pretty barebones: Guys get bit by zombies on a boat in New York, and that begins spreading like the plague. These zombies are pretty sadistic motherfuckers. For example (in a scene that single-handedly sums up Lucio Fulci's career), one of 'em grabs a woman and gouges her eye out via splinter! Ouch! Another one wrestles with a shark, to pretty hilarious results. I guess the best way to put it is it's an adventure movie with occasional moments of gruesome gore, but the last half hour or so is just gory, fun zombie-killin'. While many consider this Fulci's masterpiece, i'd have to disagree. Despite that, it's still a great little splatter movie on it's own merits. Give it a watch!

 

OVERALL: 8/10

 

City of the Living Dead (1980)

 

Here we get to Fulci's "Gates of Hell" trilogy, which just might be the bestest thing to ever happen to cinema (besides "Hausu", of course.) Another non-plot in this one: a priest hangs himself in a cemetery, and then DOOMDOOMDOOM! Everyone slowly looses it, and of course, motherfuckin' zombies. Why? I don't know, but i'm not complaining! Not as outrageously gory as Fulci's other movies, but there's still plenty of the red (as well as green) stuff going around. One chick vomits guts, and a guy (in which is possibly the most hilariously drawn-out death scene of all time) has his brains drilled out! There's a lot of head ripping in this one, too. The ending in the zombie underworldish thing is beyond cool. One of the best horror movies ever, but the best was still yet to come!

 

OVERALL: 10/10

 

House by the Cemetery (1981)

 

Fuck yeah! I scored this on a 5 dollar budget DVD at FYE. Definitely worth every penny. Yet again, simple plot: a guy moves with his family into a new house with terrible secrets. This isn't really a haunted house movie, though. Well anyway, after he moves in, weird shit starts happening. His wife gets attacked by goofy-looking bats, his kid has some sort of weird little gal pal, and all sorts of horribly grotesque murders ensue. Hell, the movie opens with a knife-through-the-head as to let you know this is a Fulci movie, and not some sort of cute Disney flick. Oh, the murders in this one are so absurd. My favorite has to be the one with the completely overdone throat slicing! Seriously, it happens a good five or six times. Oh, and the killer? HE'S A FUCKING ZOMBIE WHO BLEEDS MAGGOTS. COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY AWESOME. So yeah, an excellent second installment in Fulci's loosely connected "Gates of Hell" trilogy. Don't miss it!

 

OVERALL: 10/10

 

The Beyond aka The Seven Doors of Death (1981)

 

Annnnd here we have Fulci's absolute masterpiece. Believe me, as much as I love everything else i've seen from him, this one takes the cake as the best. Hell, i'd even go as far as to say it's one of my all-time favorite movies, and definitely my favorite horror movie. This is one of the few movies I know of that opens with a Satanic artist being crucified and then melted, in cheap-looking Sepia! After those gory shenanigans, a couple moves into a house...BUILT OVER THE SEVEN GATES OF HELL. What does this mean? More gory shenanigans, of course! The nightmarish surrealism of the previous two is in full effect here. Hell, i'd say it's Fulci's art film! Let's see what we got: zombies, melting people, spiders eating people's faces off, dogs that rip people's throats, hallucinatory atmosphere (and visuals, obviously), A LITTLE GIRL GETTING HER HEAD BLOWN RIGH THE FUCK OFF, and some weirdo ghosts. Catriona MacColl (who i've fallen in love with thanks to these three movies) does her usual shtick here, and her husband is a pretty cool guy too. It all ends in a hospital filled with zombies, and...well, you gotta see it. I usually don't ask much of my readers, but this is an absolute must-see. It was my first Fulci movie, and the one that turned me on to his brilliant body of work. A flawless work of trash art that I hold dear and close to my heart. Go out there and watch it, sport. You won't be disappointed.

 

OVERALL: 10/10

 

P.S. I should probably note that it was released heavily censored in the US in 1983 as "7 Doors of Death". This version is surprisingly hard to find nowadays, and the budget DVD version ("Seven Doors of Death", which is the one I own) is fully uncut, with a different title sequence but not much else. Apparently it's ripped from the old uncut Japanese laserdisc. Just thought I should note this, as I had to look it up before I decided to pick up the disc (the last thing I want in my italian gorefests is censorship!) Take care and happy hunting!