Elastic's Reviews of Various Things

[Doctor Sex]

Fulcifest 2013!!!

 

Zombie aka Zombi 2 (1979)

 

Slow-moving, but GRUESOME. This is considered one of the trashiest zombie flicks ever made, and I can't really argue. It smells likes scuzz, even when not much is happening (which is surprisingly a lot of the first hour). The plot is pretty barebones: Guys get bit by zombies on a boat in New York, and that begins spreading like the plague. These zombies are pretty sadistic motherfuckers. For example (in a scene that single-handedly sums up Lucio Fulci's career), one of 'em grabs a woman and gouges her eye out via splinter! Ouch! Another one wrestles with a shark, to pretty hilarious results. I guess the best way to put it is it's an adventure movie with occasional moments of gruesome gore, but the last half hour or so is just gory, fun zombie-killin'. While many consider this Fulci's masterpiece, i'd have to disagree. Despite that, it's still a great little splatter movie on it's own merits. Give it a watch!

The only thing that really saved this movie for me were those 2 scenes you described and a few others

[Elastic Dawg]

More stuffz!

 

Carnosaur (1993)

 

I believe it's well-known that whenever a successful movie comes out, Roger Corman has an answer to it. This is his answer to "Jurassic Park", except with Clint Howard and gleefully kill-happy dinosaurs! Well, to be fair, "Jurassic Park" did have kill-happy dinos, but in this one,  instead of just taking a bite, this little fellas rip everyone the fuck apart, whether it be man or woman! Chicks also end up pregnant with them, somehow. None of Corman's famous "monster-on-women" scenes here, though, which begs the question: how did they get pregnant? Maybe I wasn't paying attention much, but y'know, it's fucking "Carnosaur". Undemanding fans of such entertainment will be pleased. Fun stuff.

 

OVERALL: 7/10

 

Bath Salt Zombies (2013)

 

Before you ask, yes, this is a real thing. Some indie filmmaker named Dustin Mills (god bless his soul) decided to cash-in on the whole bath salts thing with this, a wild splatter comedy that doesn't give a shit. It opens with a funny fake PSA about how bath salts are dangerous, and then goes to modern day New York, where a junkie (our "hero") is buying bath salts off of his dealer. These salts are genetically altered, however, and cause any users to become addicted and go on killing rampages! There's a lot of face-ripping in this one, and it's all so gloriously fake. There's some CGI, too (which I usually dislike), but it looks too goofy to hate on this movie for. The whole thing never slows down. It's got a kick-ass punk soundtrack, cheap gore (yet again!), hot chicks, and bad acting! Also look out for Youtube's MrParka, who ends up loosing his manhood! I'm hoping this little gem becomes a trash classic somewhere down the road, because it earned it. 

 

OVERALL: 8/10

 

Proteus (1995)

 

I'm just kinda reviewing obscure stuff now, so why not look at this British direct-to-video underwater variation on "The Thing"? The plot is...well, it's "The Thing" underwater. Some drug smugglers go onto an abandoned oil rig, where some sort of government experiment was going on. Little by little, they slowly discover that they're not alone...and are getting infected/possessed/whatever by something inhuman! Doug Bradley shows up as an old guy, too. The SFX are bad (the creature at the end is a hilarious giant shark-dog thing), but, again, I can't be too harsh on something like this. It was made to make money, and I guess it succeeded. I could've used this time to review "The Thing", but everything's been said that needs to be said about that classic. This one doesn't really have much of a following, so I decided to put in a word of positivity against all the negativity against it. Don't expect too much, and you might enjoy it.

 

OVERALL: 6/10

 

Edge of Sanity (1989)

 

This movie is FUCKING WILD. It's basically just "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" mixed with Jack the Ripper, but done through a surreal, gothic lens, and very decadent, violent, and twisted. What i'm trying to say is that this is a strange mixture of gothic horror, splatter, erotica, surrealism, and Victorian drama, with a coke addicted Anthony Perkins looking like a Cramps reject and dismembering prostitutes in London. Panic on the streets of London, indeed! Why is he doing this? Mommy problems, of course! (that, and the cocaine) Gives me the same vibe that Ken Russell's "Gothic" does, which is never a bad thing. I'm really running out of things to say about this movie. It's definitely somethin' else. A lot of people hate this, but I loved it. Highly recommended. 

 

OVERALL: 9/10

 

Hellgate (1989)

 

Eh, I got more time, so why not one more? This is a bad 80s horror movie. You must know that in order to accept this for what it is. The plot's far too incoherent and nonsensical to truly understand, but i'll try and explain here: some chick got raped and killed back in the 50s on Hellgate Road (ding ding) and now her ghost wanders the roads, trying to hitch a ride and kill any man she falls in love with. So in the late 80s, some stupid teens decide to go there. And y'know what? They're just prime bait for her! The one guy keeps joking to his girlfriend about how he ran into her. He's kind of a dick, as is every other character in this fucking story. There's also a few subplots, but I don't really feel like getting into them here. There's something about a magical stone, too. The only reason anyone gives a shit about this movie is because one of the guys who made props for "Hellraiser" or something worked on it. Otherwise, it's just late 80s direct-to-video garbage. All of that criticism said...I enjoyed it! If you're like me and enjoy getting a laugh from stupid movies, you could do far worse than this. And to be honest, some of that overly-elaborate plot stuff WAS pretty nifty (I like any movie that shoehorns in Lovecraft-esque zombies just because). So yeah, so bad its good. Give it a try, bad movie lovers!

 

OVERALL: 7/10

[Doctor Sex]

More stuffz!

 

Carnosaur (1993)

 

I believe it's well-known that whenever a successful movie comes out, Roger Corman has an answer to it. This is his answer to "Jurassic Park", except with Clint Howard and gleefully kill-happy dinosaurs! Well, to be fair, "Jurassic Park" did have kill-happy dinos, but in this one,  instead of just taking a bite, this little fellas rip everyone the fuck apart, whether it be man or woman! Chicks also end up pregnant with them, somehow. None of Corman's famous "monster-on-women" scenes here, though, which begs the question: how did they get pregnant? Maybe I wasn't paying attention much, but y'know, it's fucking "Carnosaur". Undemanding fans of such entertainment will be pleased. Fun stuff.

 

OVERALL: 7/10

Eh I found this decent except for the dinosaurs and gore which were so swag

[Elastic Dawg]

More stuff: post-apocalyptic dystopia edition!

 

Death Race 2000 (1975)

 

The original, not the Statham flick (which i've never seen in it's entirety, to be honest). Plot: In the future, hit and run is America's favorite sport. Different types of people are worth different amounts of points (you get a good chunk of points for hitting a baby!). Different racers compete to win the title of champion. And it is AWESOME. Blood sprays whenever a civilian gets hit or skewered. There's incredibly dark humor throughout. The car action is over-the-top. B-movie regular David Carradine plays "Frankenstein", the only racer to realize how absurdly fucked up this is. Sly Stallone plays a total asshole hell-bent on winning, no matter the cost. Directed by Paul Bartel (later known for black comedies such as "Eating Raoul"). Produced by Roger Corman. I pretty much have no complaints about this movie. It's fun, funny, violent, and exciting. BRILLIANT stuff!

 

OVERALL: 10/10

 

A Boy and His Dog (1975)

 

From the same year, we have another charming little flick, this time about a guy (who wants to get laid) and his canine companion (who wants food!) traveling through a post-apocalyptic wasteland in search of said things. Will they find them? Watch it and find out! The dog (named "Blood") is a witty badass, and his human buddy Vic (played by Don "Miami Vice" Johnson) is kind of an idiot, but means well in the long run. It's a public domain movie, so quality is dubious, as usual. That didn't detract from my experience much, though. Overall, it's pretty cool. The ending is just fantastic, too.

 

OVERALL: 7/10

 

Mad Max (1979)

 

I haven't seen this one on a little while, so my memory of it might be a little rusty. Basically, Mel Gibson is a married, happy man in the post-apocalyptic future. He's also a cop, which means everyone scumbag criminal on the road has it out for him! They end up raping and killing his wife, and that's when shit goes down! Mel is DONE! For the last half hour or so, he takes sadistic vengeance on those assholes who do this kind of shit. And it's awesome. A little slow, but the vengeance near the end makes it all worthwhile. The car stunts are excellent, too. I definitely need to rewatch this one, and maybe i'll be back with a better review. I should watch "The Road Warrior" while i'm at it, too. So many movies, so little time.

 

OVERALL: 7/10

 

Hardware (1990)

 

Man, oh man, do I love this movie. It's like director Richard Stanley looked into my mind, took everything I think is cool, and put it onto celluloid. It's psychedelic cyberpunk crossed with a gory horror movie, and dear god, is it AWESOME! Basically, the story is that "Moses" (played by Dylan McDermott, whom I love from "American Horror Story) buys a cyborg/robot head for his girlfriend as a gift. Well, one thing leads to another, and, next thing you know, the android's going around, murdering the fuck out of everyone in it's path! It's a pretty barebones plot, but the execution is really somethin' else. You got William "Porkins" Hootkins as a fat pervert, a soundtrack that features both Public Image Limited and Ministry, some incredible "death trip" sequences near the end, well-done suspense and action, and, yes, GORGEOUS VISUALS. Seriously, it's like if Argento directed sci-fi. Beautiful stuff. That aside, this is one of my absolute favorite movies. It's a shame people dismiss it as little more than a "Terminator" rip-off, because it's so much more. I'm praying for the day Stanley makes a comeback. (His other movie, the pseudo-western mystical desert horror "Dust Devil" is worth mentioning, too. Not quite as AMAZING, but still worth checking out.)

 

OVERALL: 10/10 (hell, maybe even 11/10!)

 

Mindwarp aka Brain Slasher (1992)

 

This is a neat little gem that's kind of been lost to time, most likely due to the fact that it never got a DVD release here, let alone run in theaters. It was 1 of 3 Fangoria-produced horror movies from the early 90s (the other two being "Severed Ties" and "Children of the Night", both of which I haven't seen) that went direct-to-video, probably made a little bit of buzz in horror magazines, and promptly vanished off of the face of the earth. This one has a tiny following, though. The whole thing is basically some chick who's bored starts messing with this dream machine, and ends up in a post-apocalyptic wasteland (see what I mean?) where she runs into, yes, believe it or not, BRUCE CAMPBELL. Most people usually associate him with the "Evil Dead" movies and leave it at that, but the fact is, he did more than a few b-movies during that time (the others I know of are "Sundown: A Vampire's Retreat", "Stryker's War", "Intruder", "Maniac Cop", and "Moontrap", among others). I haven't seen any of those, but the Holy Chin makes everything better. Anyway, not straying off-topic, there's mutants in this future. And they're not good guys. Cue the splatter and sadism! Another e-friend described this one as having a "sadistic streak", and he's absolutely right. There's something sinister and vicious about the more violent scenes, but I can't put my finger on it. I myself feel it's kinda like a low-budget, gorier version of "Total Recall", but, y'know, POST-APOCALYPTIC.  Angus "Phantasm" Schrimm shows up, too. So yeah, this is an underrated movie that needs more love. I still need to see the completely uncut 95 minute version, though. If you like Campbell and or post-apocalyptic flicks, this one's up your alley.

 

OVERALL: 8/10

 

Death Machine (1994)

 

This one (like "Hardware") is another British low-budget indie dystopian horror. The plot? Well, futuristic company+deadly projects+Brad Douriff playing a twisted motherfucker=giant robot mayhem! That's about all I can put, really. A lot of people dismiss this one as crap, but i'll go on record as saying I dug it. Sure, it's obviously low-budget (especially the costumes; good god, they're goofy!) and derivative (one review described it as "feeling like a bad parody of Die Hard, Alien, Predator, and The Terminator"), but, well, if cyberpunk is your thing, you could do worse. This has Will Hootkins again, too. So, I mean, want more cyberpunk with Porkins? Come and get some. There's two different versions out there: a 99 minute cut (which is the one most people have seen, as did I) and the 2-hour directors cut (which has a lot of stuff cut out apparently, like a disturbing dream sequence involving dead babies). A solid debut from a guy who as far as I can tell, didn't do much else noteworthy.

 

OVERALL: 8/10

 

RoboCop (1987)

 

This is another one i'm a little concerned about reviewing, but fuck it. I mean, what else is there to say? It's motherfuckin' RoboCop. An awesome action flick, a unique dystopian vision of the future, and a funny satire, all at the same time. If you haven't experienced the magic, lemme explain: new cop named Murphy joins the force. He gets unlucky on his first mission, and gets shot to shit by scumbag criminals. As part of a new project, he comes back as an emotionless metal form of justice known as, yes, ROBOCOP. From then on, he kicks ass, takes names, and slowly regains emotion. Paul Verhoeven makes sure his violence is as cartoony and over-the-top as possible, and it's awesome. The fake commercials are funny as hell, too. I don't have much else to say. I've made my case. "RoboCop" is, was, and always will be a classic. Bitches leave.

 

OVERALL: 10/10

 

Total Recall (1990)

 

Can't...stop...writing...reviews. Well, anyway, this is the last movie on my little dystopian/post-apocalyptic list to review, so here we go! The plot of this one (based on a short story by Phillip K Dick) is that Arnie enters some sort of weird program to...memories or something. Well, from then on out, he hallucinates, encounters deformed humans who have been fucked over by the lack of oxygen, and gets shot at! Another fun, violent dystopia from Paul Verhoeven. It's kind of confusing and mindfucky, but, I mean, who cares? There's gratuitous violence, some neat special effects (three-titted lady ) and Arnie! This movie's a total trip, and it's awesome. I love it.

 

OVERALL: 8/10

[CDCB]

You said in the initial post you were going to review random things, right? I want you to review yourself.

[Elastic Dawg]

Clever gurl.

 

Elastic Dog 

 

Well, this is a tough one to review. It's kinda schizophrenic, sexually promiscuous, and evil. It's an adorable (and unholy) satanic evil, and I love him with all of my heart. 11/10

[Doctor Sex]

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