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Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000: The Critic Chronicles


Jjs Goodman
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That's right, Jjs is reopening his theater. For those unaware, I ran a semi-popular riffing series on this site from 2013 to 2018. In celebration of the original SBC Theater's 10th anniversary next month, I'm bringing it back for a special 12 part epilogue/spin-off miniseries where we riff some of the most notorious Nostalgia Critic reviews.

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We're going to riff him so you don't have to. We've already begun production and the first episode will be coming soon. I am so excited to be back together with the gang again (along with two new faces to the riffing scene), and we hope the people enjoy it. 

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Here it is, everyone. No more brackets, and now, we do these riffs together on Docs, which makes this a lot more cohesive. Really proud of how these came out. Let's roll!

Episode I: Pokémon the First Movie

Spoiler

Jjs: Hello everyone. Nope, you’re not experiencing a wild LSD induced dream. This is the real Jjs (at least I think I am…) using his signature riffing color, and Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000 is indeed making a temporary return for a lil epilogue after 3 years. The original SBC Theater which inspired mine turns 10 this month, so I decided to get the gang back together for a neat, one-off experiment to celebrate. Instead of riffing SBC fanfiction, we’re going to take on the sultan and former messiah of online reviewing himself: Doug Walker...or as you know him by his “persona”, Nostalgia Critic. 

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If by some stroke of luck you’ve never heard of him or seen his reviews, then you’re luckier than 90% of the SBC userbase. Time for an SBC lore dive from JjsFiloni himself: Back in the early 2010s, much of SBC, myself included, used to love Nostalgia Critic reviews, along with his other Channel Awesome buddies. His reviewing style influenced a lot of my early Riffing Theater riffs (which I truly regret and cringe over). Eventually, a lot of us grew up and realized...he kind of sucks. Then he kept getting worse in quality, in addition to his and Channel Not So Awesome's multitude of controversies. Somehow, he’s still going in the current year, a whopping 13 years later. You heard that right, Nostalgia Critic has been around longer than most of today’s kids, which is making me in turn feel old as hell. If you’re wondering how we’re riffing these, we’ll be using transcripts from the Channel Awesome wiki that a brave soul has spent hours of their life putting up there for us, the people. Bless that trooper, writing out Doug’s reviews so we don’t have to watch them. This will probably be more bearable than listening to his nasally voice, so you’re welcome. 

Given his influence to Riffing Theater, it feels poetic in a way for us to come back and riff the “mentor” so to speak (and yes, I realize the delightful irony in riffing a riffer, something we’ve had experience in before). In this miniseries, we’ll be riffing 12 of the worst Nostalgia Critic episodes. Why did I only choose 12? Because I like to go one step higher than Doug. :funny: Also, there’s only so much of Doug’s demented and twisted mind we can handle nor do I want to beat this into the ground for long. Believe me, there were a TON of contenders for this, and I’m sure we missed out on a review someone wanted to see riffed, but I had to narrow this down to the ones we’d have most fun with. However, before we analyze...whatever the fuck Doug has become today, first we're starting at the beginning to see what got us there. We’ll be kicking this crazy ride off with one of his earliest reviews to see if he ever truly was “good” to begin with. (spoiler: he wasn’t) I’m going to be mainly referring to him as Doug for my riffs, since the difference between the character and person is honestly negligible nowadays. Fellow riffing comrades, it’s an honor to riff by your side again and it’ll be interesting to see how our riffing styles have changed in 3 years. Now, strap into your theater seats, and "enjoy" the show.

Fred: If you think you’re going into this alone, you’re dead wrong. Now it’s been a long time coming, and between the distance of doing this and Riffing Theater, we’ve lost two important--I mean, iconic--I mean, two people who were always riffing on that series. And so, because I want this to come back with a bang, I decided to go on Cameo to hire two new faces you may be familiar with. Please welcome two of my robot fri--

Crow T. Bot: Hang on, hang on, Fred, that wasn’t the deal. We were going to just appear in the intro, say a few lines, and that’s it. You never said anything about hiring us permanently.

Tom Servo: And we’re not your robot friends either!

Fred: But I told everyone on SBC this new series was gonna be a crossover between Mystery Science Theater and Jjs’ Riffing Theater!

Tom: You do realize there’s a big difference between a crossover and a glorified cameo? Can’t you do this with your own characters from that show? Like the Grammar Police and the Laughing Ostrich?

Fred: They all formed a union strike and left. But you know, you’re right. I think I can do fine without you guys...can I please get my money back?

Crow: Sorry, bro. Not refundable.

Fred: Well damn, looks like I just wasted $400 for nothing. Oh well, let’s talk about The Nostalgia Critic.

I got introduced to the Critic back in 2013. Yeah, I know it was weird to hop onto his bandwagon at around post-revival time but even then, the first videos I watched weren’t that new. Looking back at those videos now, I start to realize how badly some of these aged. At least most of them, I rewatched his Cartoon All-Stars review and it is unironically enjoyable. It’s 6 minutes long with no long skits, no bad acting, and honest-to-god criticism with a few jokes here and there. And it is much better than what I see from him nowadays. And who knows? Maybe this one will age as well as that one did. What movie are you going to review, Mr. Critic?

OMJ: ...And I’m here too!! Importing my brand spankin’ new font color from the Die-In Theater in order to overtly show that a lot has changed with me since the last time the Riffing Theater was open for business! Thank you, jjs, for ushering me away from TCM’s Ben Mankiewicz, at least for the moment!

As for my history with Critic, well, I’d say my peak fandom would be anywhere around the time of his The Room/Tommy Wiseau stuff and his Titanic animated movie reviews. In fact, it was him bringing the latter to my attention all those years ago that eventually inspired me to make not one, but two attempts at “S.S. SBC”! Needless to say, they both sunk. Oh and that godawful Syfy Original Movies review thread I did about 8 years back. I hope this is the last fucking time I ever have to bring that up.

So yeah, I’d be lying if I said The Critic never had at least some part in molding me into the man on the internet that I am today. That said, I never fucking liked this particular review, even as a young’un during my formative years. Was probably the first instance where the line was very clearly drawn between our respective viewpoints. And with that said, honestly can’t wait to revisit this and see if age has taken any hold of me since then to somehow convert me over to the Doug side. Odds are, it probably won’t!

Steel Sponge: And I’m here too if you couldn’t already tell by my classic metal gray font. It’s one big happy family reunion of ex-Nostalgia Critic fans and I couldn’t be any more stoked to be here. This could be the part where I plug my Top 20 Worst Nostalgia Critic Episodes review/book, but I should sum up my relationship with NC and Doug rather simply.

Just like everyone else back then, I was a fan of the Nostalgia Critic’s reviews and aspired to be as good of a cynical and funny online critic as him. Eventually, I’ve gotten over that phase starting in 2014 when I stopped being interested in the series, and that decision would turn out to be a good one on my part once after I looked back at my old CA anniversary special-inspired meta-miniseries Dark Side of the Herd, witnessing the Channel Awesome fallout from three years ago that we all still know today, and just looking back at Doug’s reviews as the Critic to come to the conclusion where I’d say “Yeah, this guy wasn’t really ever a good internet reviewer or comedian.”

I thought I would be done discussing the Nostalgia Critic since the past year, but I had to jump in on this or else I would be missing out on something fun. Fortunately, I hadn’t talked in-depth before about this review that I’m going to be reading through. Despite it not being in my worst NC episodes list, I am aware that it’s quite infamous, so it looks like my start to joining in on the Nostalgia Critic mockery fest will take me into some interesting territory.

Wumbo: I wanna be a nagging pest
Like no one ever was
To nitpick is at my best
Regardless of its flaws
I will point out how bad it is
Without researching why
Cause Pokemon’s too hard to understand
For this balding, screechy guy

Fuckin’ Doug! Gotta ruin it all
It’s beyond me
His yelling is testing me
Fuckin’ Doug! Ohhh, there seems no end
To the time on this he spends

Fuckin’ Doug! Gotta ruin it all
His points aren’t true
Plus there’s #ChangeTheChannel too
He regrets we feel this way!
FUCK-ING DOUG!
No research at all, and he’s fuckin’ bald!
FUCKING DOUG!

No, I will not be doing the second verse. Let’s do this.

Burgerpants:

My history with the Nostalgia Critic has been kinda public... and pretty embarrassing. I’m pretty sure in spite of his massive popularity I’ve never actually seen a clip from him until that one worst Spongebob episodes list put a couple of clips of him inside for cutaways. Err, that one. The person who made it is kind of on the tip of my tongue but I can’t name him. Whoever had that Mario 64 avatar, that guy. I’m not sure how that was how I got into him and not that AVGN beef but life does that to you sometimes. What’s even weirder is that I actually do remember coming across the TGWTG website years prior through this other video review show conglomerate website, Retroware TV, which linked to their site. That said, I never really spent much time on there before 2013 because to my 8/9 year old self that site layout confused the piss out of me and I just couldn’t be bothered. I think the fact I was a more video game obsessed individual as a kid probably contributed to that as well, so I just stuck to the site I knew dearly, watching Video Game Takeout, Boomstick Reviews, and a bunch of other shows I’m not even sure if any evidence even still exists online for their existence, minus Gaming Historian, LGR, and, ironically enough, Guru Larry. *uses wayback machine* wait PeanutButterGamer was on that site? Don’t remember him being there for some reason. Actually, now I do remember something else about that site…. and that remembrance was that JewWario also was on there too. Oh. Uhhhh might as well cut my nostalgic ramblings short and get back to the point.

The rise of the Nostalgia Critic within my personal headcanon can be traced to when Tinychat parties were at their peak. Tinychat, for those who didn’t have to deal with it when it was primarily used in the boom of new site users from 2013-2014, was a finicky beast indeed. I honestly have too much memories associated with the site to dismiss it entirely, but the site itself in retrospect was… primitive. It ran like piss, any video you played would immediately skip the video already playing, my computer overheated like crazy any time I was on it (granted, it was a cheapo eMachines piece of shit that had comically low specs even for the time, so much so I get the impression that the only reason I had that shitheap in the first place so that my dad would make me shut up about wanting one. Not like it seems like I was the only one who had this issue though), and that of the two sites that used it most, the other one happened to be what used it often is not exactly placing a positive impression in my mind to begin with (that I think the only interaction I had face to face with an SBC user during my time there was when Dr. Sex told 12 year old me that the Xiao Xiao shorts I was playing for nostalgia purposes “sucked dick” doesn’t help, but anyway). When I got introduced to Cytu.be through my involvement in Fred’s Annotation Station, basically the only thing that ended up lost in the translation from site to site was the ability to webcam ourselves, which isn’t even that huge and I’m kind of worried if any of those webcam parties got into weird territories. I also spent a buck on that app and that shit was legit a scam but ANYWAY back to the Nutty Cocker or whoever I was talking about. He and his contemporaries were played the fuck out of in those days, which happened to coincide with his return of course. I think the first video of his that I watched a bit of (like, a minute of) was the Jurassic Park review, but I didn’t really pay attention to him until someone played his review of the first Titanic animated film, a video that’s in my mind honestly probably still an eternal classic if I actually had the feeling in my gut to watch it again (then again, I feel it could be argued most of what made that review funny wasn’t coming from Doug as much as the movie itself not giving a fuck). I consumed this man’s content so much I actually once dressed up as him for Halloween one year. Um, yeah, that happened at one point. Basically I went as the AVGN one year and thought it wouldn’t be fitting to have one but not the other so I did that at one point. I think there’s still pics of me as him on my dad’s phone but why even bother finding them? Think I also put down something related to the dude as a school password one year too. Fuck, it really was an obsession I had with the dude back then. I mean, I guess I have to hand it to him that I probably wouldn’t be as interested in dissecting media without him, honestly. Then again, you also have to remember that my online presence at the time was of an animated character voiced by someone I later found out was a pretty hardline conservative and from a show that I would comment further on, but I can’t really, because I haven’t seen a single episode of that show in over half a decade precisely because I feel all it’ll bring back to me are bad memories of the person I was back when I was into it. It could honestly still be the funniest show I’ve ever seen and I’d still not be up for watching it based on how I acted back then.

Yeah, uh, guess I had to get to it. I’d say how I acted back then aged incredibly poorly but that would imply it was responded to fondly in the first place. I remember having a constant sensation back then that I found trouble trying to say what I wanted to say in the way I wanted it to get across, and yeah I think posts from that time reflect that. Honestly at the same time I feel there’s an argument to be made about how me posting clips from NC videos was frowned upon by the community but when some members (and I’m not trying to diss anyone, and even if I was this was years ago, I’m sure things are different now) copied most of the criticisms from a Todd in the Shadows video, and made the same points and jokes in their reviews, they got lots of likes like they made all of what they wrote (and I don’t even think those old Todd reviews age well to begin with but I digress). The thing is, I was 13, people around my age like Halibut were writing decent enough lists that didn’t stem too much from already existing opinions, I didn’t have much writing experience myself and my first attempts at writing criticism on my own (that animation review thread where I trailed off what the person who made the video commentary added to the screen and a music review thread where I called “Hot Boy'' by it’s original name without care for what the word in said original name meant. And also gave it 2/10 which is almost as bad a stance) were clear as fuck first attempts. Whenever I didn’t have the Dogwalker by my side I basically ended up trying to do the “edgy for laughs'' thing that some members got lots of likes for doing back then. Not sure if those posts I was aping age well to begin with but I haven’t even checked. I haven’t checked the infamous “Nut Job” thread since it got locked way back when and I have zero desire to check back if things really were as bad as people on the forums were making my presence back then. (And I can only imagine how Xat conversations at the time were talking about me but anyway)

But if there’s a positive, it’s that I did indeed grow up. It was a slow process, it involved a good deal of trial and error and I’m not even sure if cutting Nasty Citrus from my diet really had much to do with that, I’m pretty sure it was more of a coincidence than anything else. But I did learn from my mistakes, I slowly put more effort thinking about my thoughts and I came to the realization that I’m best just being myself.  I’m about halfway through writing the first installment of a Billboard review project. To quote another personality from Channel Awesome, it’ll be out when it’s out. When that out is I don’t know but shameless advertisement aside, over time I’ve figured out what works about my writing style and what doesn’t. Unfortunately I don’t know if Doug does.  I admit, I don’t have much memories associated with this review aside from having it on in the background when scanning something. That something was either an issue of Nickelodeon Magazine or a special one-off Spongebob newsstand special. I was scanning it for the purpose of getting into the VIP section of the other site, as I saw you could do that and I chose to take advantage of this easy way. I never got the VIP status for this and to this day I have genuinely zero idea what that special forum section was for. pingas

Kat: Hi, I’m Kat, and I used to be a Nostalgia Critic fan. 

I used to think he was funny and that his constant yelling counted as “jokes.” We all make mistakes, right? Anyway, I’m kinda excited to revisit some of his old reviews, because I’m sure they hold up as well as a tattered old shirt that’s been destroyed by moths. 

*puts on scuba gear* Welp. Let’s dive in.

NC: I DON'T wanna review this movie. I really don't. 

Jjs: Now that right there, ladies and gentlemen is the ultimate surefire way to boost your audience’s morale! I know some other riffers will decry this for the debbie downer vibe but I like how he’s trying to subtly hype up the review here by pretending it’s something dreadful he doesn’t want to review, which in turn will make us, the normies, want to see him rip it apart! THAT’S how you hook a sucker in, I’m sold!

Fred: Well, shit! Looks like this might be a pretty bad film! It could be anything! So what is it, Batman & Robin? North? Tom and Jerry? Space Jam? Kazaam? Cats? Lion King? Twilight? Which movie could it be?

OMJ: Remember kids, never give in to peer pressure. Says the guy who gave in to peer pressure as a kindergartener and watched the Pokemon series on tv just so that he wouldn’t feel left out during recess. Although, he wouldn’t regret doing it. So maybe it’s good to give in to peer pressure sometiiiiimesssss?

Steel: That’s quite the bold way to start your review, letting your audience know that you’re not confident in evaluating the subject of your review. It’s like if a waiter in a restaurant bluntly told you that he doesn’t want to serve you.

BP: Bruh is my man Doug Walker about to confess to watching the 1922 crime film Cocaine???? Weird selection, but alright.

There are just some things in this world you don't wanna watch, and you don't think you ever have to... but SO many people have requested that I review it that I simply have no choice. 

BP: How many damn people want to see this dude review Cocaine what the fuck??? Like bruh, the brainache he seems to be having in the first few frames of the video should be sign enough as to if he should really do this or not.

Jjs: I know this is probably exaggerated for comedy, but I should remind everyone this review was posted in 2008, when Doug’s lil show just started off. I highly doubt he had that many people requesting him to review this of all things early on. This may not seem like a big deal, but it kind of kills the suspension of disbelief here for me personally.

Wumbo: Actually, Doug, you do have a choice. It’s called “integrity” or “putting your foot down”. “Drawing a line in the sand.” “Not being a doormat.” But given you’ve run out of ideas and are just reviewing anything now, including pretty much the full list of things you specifically said you would NOT review, I have a feeling you’d get around to this one anyway. Just be glad we were all saved the Tamara and Malcolm Team Rocket sketch, folks. Things could always be worse.

Kat: I’m pretty sure nobody put a gun to your head and said, “Doug, if you don’t review this film, you’ll never see your family again.” 

I have to review Pokémon: The First Movie.

BP: Oh he’s reviewing actual cocaine? Gotta put some respect on this dude for the balls needed to do that.

Fred: Wait, he’s doing “Strokemon”? Or is that a similar curmudgeon I’m thinking of?

OMJ: It’s like watching someone use Reflect and then damage themselves due to confusion.

Steel: Oh yeah, Pokemon. That one very successful multi-franchise series that the Nostalgia Critic would eventually remind us time and time again that he is no fan of whatsoever, angering its super-sensitive fans in the process. Now you know that I have my concerns.

Kat: Not POKÉMON??? The horror, the horror!

Pokémon theme song and footage

Jjs: I wanna be the very best, like no critic ever was! To review them is my real test, to riff them is my cause!

Fred: Okay, there go my hopes that he was gonna talk about the Pokemon porno. Damn. :(

OMJ: The Critic needs to get on The Snob’s level if he really wants to be a Criticmon Master. Yeah, that was the best I could come up with.

NC (voiceover): First of all, I should point out I did NOT grow up with Pokémon as a kid. I was a junior in high school when this show came out, so I was well past the stage of watching children's cartoons. 

Jjs: I like the bits of lore about Doug’s life we’re getting here, even though I’m pretty sure nobody actually asked for it.

Fred: “That being said, how about those Ninja Turtles? They sure were cool!” Why do I feel like Doug is trying hard not to be the nerd who got picked on in middle school? Then again, Doug has a bad history when it comes to nerds that play video games.

Children’s Cartoons: You could not live with your own failure. Where did that bring you? Back to me.

OMJ: Honestly, this Thanos quote could sum up Doug quite a lot now that I think about it.

Steel: Which is why he’s reviewing one of these said children’s cartoons, as he figured that he wouldn’t be past the stage of over-analyzing children’s cartoons as an adult. Flawless logic.

What I do know is that it was based on a Japanese video game that was turned into a CARD game that was turned into a TV show. And for those of you who don't know what it's about, I can't help you. Because NOBODY knew what the hell it was about. 

Jjs: A bunch of kids catch monsters in magic balls and they fight each other. It ain’t exactly rocket science, Doug, if an idiot like me can figure it out.

Fred: “What the fuck is a ‘Yu-Gi-Oh’?”

OMJ: My mom actually watched some of it with me as a kid and she got the basic gist of it down. I know the basic disconnect between kids and older folk no matter the generation is a hell of a thing, but there are wonders to actually taking the time to watch something with an open mind. Last I checked, Doug watches Steven Universe, so I guess he’s at least changed the mindset a bit since then.

Steel: Perhaps you’re right, Critic, how could anybody figure out a concept as similar as people catching and training strange creatures to fight other strange creatures to achieve top status? You’d have to be very smart to understand it. You also may as well consider me one of those smart folks now that I’ve helped explain Pokemon for you.

Kat: It’s about people doing the hokey-pokey, Doug. Seriously though, the plot isn’t that complicated. Even as a kid I got the gist: Ash Ketchum wants to be a Pokémon master and gets into shenanigans along the way. You just proved you’re not as smart as a child so congrats.

I guess there's these three kids who collect monsters that kinda look like Beanie Babies except they kill one another and they're being chased by these two gay people or some shit like that.

Jjs: Apologies to gay people everywhere.

Fred: Also apologies to the company that made Beanie Babies.

Wumbo: Also apologies to the five-year-olds at the time who could easily figure out the basic plot of a children’s cartoon and are having to suffer through Doug barfing up his own Cliffsnotes.

OMJ: Boy, I thought I was the only one who thought Jessie was a guy.

Steel: I suppose that means Meowth is the straight member of the trio, according to the Critic’s assumptions. If it makes sense for people to use terms like ‘gay’ and ‘retard’ without second thought in a time like 2008, when this review came out, it makes as much sense to bill Jessie and James as homosexuals. Boy, I sure do hope he doesn’t slip in the r-word later in this review (foreshadowing!).

Kat: Calling people gay is funny! Laugh, damn it!

NC: Nobody could follow it. The only people who understood it at all were the kids. And they turned it into a worldwide phenomenon. So naturally, a movie was in the works. And I have to tell ya, I had a hard time FINDING this damn film. Not because it's rare or anything, but because there's like a million of them!

Jjs: It seems Google was too much of a pain in the ass to use even in 2008.

Fred: Aw fuck, looks like we may have to hire an Exaggeration Police now.

OMJ: “The First Movie” is literally in the title bruh.

Steel: If you could apparently have a hard time trying to find the first theatrical Pokemon movie, you’ll have just as a hard time finding the first Dragon Ball movie. Rumor has it that there’s over 9,000 of those movies.

Kat: Wow, I’m sure it was a Herculean feat trying to find the FIRST MOVIE. 

Showing all the various Pokémon movies

Fred: I really hope “Strokemon” was one of them.

BP: Woah NC, you got all the Newgrounds classics in this joint? “PokeAwesome”, “Nin10doh”, “on Acid”, “But with Animals”, I dig this selection mate. Not sure I expected this stuff coming from you but I will be there at any opportune time to discuss the deepness of Kermit Kombat my dude.

NC (voiceover): How the hell am I supposed to know where to start? There's one called Pokémon Heroes, is THAT the first movie? There's another called Pokémon: Mewtwo Strikes Back, is THAT the first movie?

Jjs: That’s...that’s...literally an alternative title for the movie you’re reviewing. Research, am I right folks? :bruh: 

OMJ: Cue the kids from Blue’s Clues saying “THERE IT IS!”

Steel: Congrats, you’ve just cracked your own case that you’ve been trying to solve. You’ll be of good use when I need you to tell me what the first Alpha and Omega movie is.

Wumbo: “There’s another one called ‘Rogaine for Dummies’, is THAT the first mov- hey, wait a minute. Pretend you didn’t see that one.”

Katniss: Wikipedia? What’s that? A site I can use that will actually answer my questions?

There's another one called Pokémon 2000, but what the hell does that mean? Is it the date it came out, or is it the 2000th film? There's so damn many of them I'd believe either ONE! 

Jjs: I could bust balls and note how the official title is technically “The Power of One”, but based on our hot streak so far, it’s clear research was sacrificed for “comedy.”

OMJ: Well, if Pokemon ever wants to riff itself, it has a sure fire name for a riffing spin-off on its hands.

Steel: Can you really blame the franchise for giving you 2000 reasons for you to use your own brain in figuring out such an easy answer, Critic.

BP: There’s another one called Pokémon 3: The Movie, but what the fuck is a Pokémon 3? Did I miss Pokémon 2: The Movie when going for dumpster diving for pizza boxes around the new millenium? And yet I still find it plausible that this could go anywhere within the timeline of this series, so is THAT the first movie?

Finally, I found it, a VHS copy of the movie that is LITERALLY titled "Pokémon the First Movie.”

Jjs: I like how he says “finally” as if it were a true Herculean task to find one Pokémon movie. But perhaps it was! It’s rumored by my uncle that worked at Channel Awesome that Doug broke his back for weeks on end to obtain this legendary, elusive VHS tape, which may add nuanced depth to his anger towards Pokemon here. That’s just a Game Theory, though. 

OMJ: I bet the previous owner wasn’t kind enough to rewind also.

Steel: Okay, cool, and how long did it take for you to find a video cassette player?

NC: I mean, how cocky do you have to be to literally call your first movie THE FIRST MOVIE? 

Fred: Can’t be as bad as Doug’s First Movie. But enough about “Kickassia."

OMJ: I mean, they had every right to be considering where the series was even then. And especially considering where the series is at now. You could even say their cockiness has evolved to the point where they took a key feature out of the latest games, knowing damn well it’d piss a lot of people off, yet they still sold like hot cakes with sausage. The sausage being the Isle of Armor and Crown Tundra expansion pass. And I’m not even including the hash brown that is Pokemon Home because I have yet to give in and buy that too.

Wumbo: I don’t know, how cocky do you have to be to assume that Demo Reel was a good idea?

Kat: Because they couldn’t call it the 420th movie.

It's like they KNEW they were gonna have a bajillion sequels so they decided to call it the FIRST movie just to make it easy for us. That's like naming the first Lord of the Rings movie "Lord of the Rings: Don't Worry, We're Gonna Have a SHIT Load of Sequels."

Jjs: This is one of Doug’s wholesome jokes that really doesn’t work anymore. Of all franchises to make this joke with, you chose Lord of the Rings, a trilogy. This might've been funny if he used a franchise that actually had a “shit load of sequels", methinks. Before you use The Hobbit movies to justify this, those didn’t exist at the time, so the joke doesn’t work no matter how you splice it. It would’ve made more sense if he said Land Before Time or Rocky, which would’ve been accurate around this time. Wow, look at me giving armchair constructive criticism on...a critic’s joke in a “critical review.” Huh.

OMJ: Saw would be a better analogy.

Steel: If you thought “Lord of the Rings: Don’t Worry, We’re Gonna Have a SHIT Load of Sequels” was obnoxious, you should tell it to “Ice Age: Oh My God This is Going to Make a Lot of Sequels and No One Is Going to Like Any of Them.”

NC (voiceover): But not only that, there's also a million versions of this one film. There's the version that starts off with a short film, there's the version with a deleted opening, there's an English version, a Japanese version, I couldn't keep track. So I'm just gonna review what's on the original VHS American release.

Jjs: Hoping he didn’t nearly give himself an aneurysm over that intense, life changing decision.

OMJ: I mean, it’s really not all that different (unless you wanna dive into sub vs dub, which I doubt Critic at the time cared about). The short movie really had no bearing on the movie itself (tho it introduced me to the boi, Snubull). This review was my first time hearing about a deleted opening, but if it was left on the cutting room floor, then there’s really no reason to wrap your head around it unless you’re really curious about it like I was.

Steel: But what if I told you that Pikachu’s Summer Vacation has some deep lore that you’re going to be missing out on? You might regret that decision at some later point.

Wumbo: Again, we should all thank our lucky stars that the Nostalgia Critic didn’t try to review the movie in Japanese or something. Given what happens later in this review, I wouldn't put it past him.

BP: Was… was there not a DVD release of this film??? I was wondering why the video quality of the footage was looking off even for the time period this review would’ve come out, and I’m assuming he couldn’t find a copy. And I’m aware admitting to watching the actual review should probably get me frowned upon, because I’m violating that No Nostalgia Critic February thing we have set up, but I’m a goddamn rule breaker who nuts in November, I don’t give a SHIT.

NC: Now the nice thing about a movie is they USUALLY give you a lot of background information so that any newcomers can follow along. They do this USUALLY to broaden their audience a little bit. 

Jjs: Yeah, and sometimes USUALLY when you’re reviewing said movie, you may want to do at least some background research prior...right?

Steel: I love how the transcript writer just had to emphasize the words the Critic himself is emphasizing. It’s giving me the impression that I could be reading 4Ever’s Total Cartoon spin-off.

Wumbo: What the fuck is he talking about? Pokemon is literally the biggest thing at the time. You don’t NEED to broaden your audience if every child and their mother is rushing in to see the film anyway. Why would kids want to sit through a bunch of exposition about shit they already know, which, once again, they know because they’re not a fucking moron who has to be hand-held through a kid’s film?!

With that said, let's take a look at Japan's cinematic opus: Pokémon the First Movie.

WB Kids logo pops up

Jjs:  V6AWhgCc17io49eLfcjVojU6PD9EFgvFBGgktten

Fred: It’s a good thing this movie is gonna talk about Warren Beatty’s kids.

NC (voiceover): Oh, that's a good sign.

OMJ: I’d trust that sign with my life when I was a kid.

Kat: I’m sorry, were you expecting an arthouse indie film company to produce this?

Nintendo logo

Jjs:  8jGIBSTFBj3uRBNFvIAQuthOhRagyuZSAn72ufz3

Nintendo does what Nostalgia Critic Nintendon’t.

NC (voiceover): Oh, that's even better.

OMJ: I wouldn’t be surprised if Critic was visited by the Nintendo Ninjas for that.

4Kids Entertainment logo

Jjs:  y70nIS-LUrjz_1wNl8aElVtUL2tCvEuHJQZ-Tu9C

NC (voiceover): What, are they gonna show the people who catered the movie next?

OMJ: You know, 4Kids!

Jjs: Nope, we will not be slandering 4Kids on my watch today. You can insult Pokemon all you want, but attacking 4Kids is where I draw the line. Of course you realize, this means I challenge you to battle!

BP: Bruh, I thought of all people to be familiar with the words “for” and “kids”, it’d be this dude??? He’s not noticing this???? Am I awake fellas?????

Steel: yen1_mujPKeK4nqv4-8HJHPLLYrJWh3cxR1TSMnQ

We’re going to get sued for all these logo usages, I just know it.

Movie begins

Explorer: Today my colleagues and I will reach the site where an ancient civilization may have created a shrine to Mew, the most powerful Pokémon to have ever existed.

OMJ: Yeah, try selling that to 5-year old me who was (and still is) a Gengar stan.

NC: Okay, what's a Pokémon?

Jjs: Here, let me Google that for you:

https://lmgtfy.app/#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=what's%20a%20pokemon 

Explorer: Giovanni is financing the expedition.

NC: Who's Giovanni?

Jjs: Here, let me Bulbapedia that for you:

https://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Giovanni 

OMJ: Only the best villain in the series (spoken like a true genwunner).

Wumbo: Could you just… calm the fuck down for a second and watch the movie?

Explorer: He wants to control the most powerful Pokémon the world has ever known.

Steel: Oh look, Critic, the movie just answered a part of your last question, so don’t think you’re far behind now.

Wumbo: Like… what is the difference here between this and CinemaSins? “Movie does not exposit the villainous character immediately upon mention! DING! Also, Roll Credits yada yada yada.”

NC: What are those things? (referring to Butterfrees that are on screen)

Jjs: Here, let me Bulbapedia that for you:

https://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Butterfree_(Pok%C3%A9mon) 

Fred: Okay, totally minor nitpick if possible but if Doug is gonna review anything Pokemon-related, could he at least have played the games first so he has prior information? So far, his review is the equivalent of a kid asking his parents what those animals at the zoo are.

OMJ: They’re the things that made me cry because they reminded me of the episode where Ash let his Butterfree go :’(

Steel: Just ask the guy who wrote this transcript for all of us.

Wumbo: I guess it would have been better to stop the movie so the narrator could explain what a butterfly-esque Pokemon is.

Explorer: I, of course, want something more.

NC: Who are you?!

Jjs: I’d Bulbapedia this but the movie never actually said who this explorer was, so fair.

OMJ: Only the best Explorer in the series.

Wumbo: But… just… we don’t need to! Given that the Nostalgia Critic would complain about unnecessary exposition in subsequent reviews he does, why is he so hell-bent on the opening narration offering an info dump so detailed kids are going to forget what movie they walked into?

Explorer: Our team is bringing back what we believe to be a Mew fossil.

NC (voiceover): Where are we?

Fred: And you may ask yourself “Well, how did I get here?”

Explorer: Perhaps then we can unlock the secret to restoring life itself.

NC (voiceover): What, you mean like bring people back from the dead and stuff? What's that thing? Where am I? Is this Earth, are we in another dimension? Is this the past, the future, the present? What's going on, when does this even take place?

Fred: And you may ask yourself, “How do I critique a movie based off of a franchise I know nothing about?”

Jjs: ...My dude, it’s Pokémon. Don’t give yourself a stroke here, it’s not that deep. As you can see, this is one of my biggest pet peeves with Doug’s early reviews: His schtick of acting like an oblivious dumbass who doesn’t understand the material he’s reviewing unsurprisingly does not hold up well. In this specific review, boy is it egregiously bad and grinds my gears being the Pokémon geek I am, even if some of it may be exaggerated. At least try to pretend you had some knowledge of Pokémon going in. He comes off like a confused boomer here that just discovered what memes are. Even if it’s done for comedy, that’s still not an excuse because 1.) it’s not funny and the bigger problem, 2.) he’s (supposedly) wanting us to take him seriously as a reviewer as well. You can’t have your cake and eat it too; either you’re a goofy comedy reviewer not meant to be taken seriously or a professional critic meant to be taken seriously, pick a lane and stick with it. The unclear gray area of how we should view Doug as a reviewer ends up being an even bigger problem in his later reviews, which we’ll address further in depth when we get there.

OMJ: I sure hope nobody puts a gun to his head and forces him to review Yugioh the Movie: Pyramid of Light.

Steel: I could add to Jjs’ rambling above, but yeah...he’s hit the nail on the head here. Like, if you’re not confident in knowing anything pertaining to the subject of your review, then why should you be confident in reviewing it? On top of that, why should I be confident in the reviewer for tackling something he’s clearly not familiar with or interested in?

Wumbo: Just… picture this guy literally sitting next to you in the theater. That’s all I’ll say.

BP: I’m assuming the point of this part is to reflect the feelings the parents of the kids that undoubtedly went on their knees begging to see this film were having when watching it. Which I guess if that’s the direction that Doug wants to go in, that’s not without some kind of precedent judging from what I remember from when I browsed Toonzone years ago. The problem is, that's not even a good direction to take. You’re the Nostalgia Critic, your purpose is to review things that are nostalgic, and yet here you are responding with nothing but confusion to what you’re watching in a way I don’t know is comparable to anything else you’ve taken a look at around this time. It’s an immediately flawed perspective that doesn’t work and just makes you look like an ass. And I’m a dick, yes.

NC: Oh my God, I'm like one minute into this movie, already I'm totally lost! God, this is gonna suck!

Jjs: Am I riffing Nostalgia Critic or SOF’s Exciting Critic Corner? Because if I didn’t know what I was riffing and had no context, I could certainly think it’s from the latter.

Steel: One minute in and you’re already writing this off. This is something that I would normally expect from the likes of you.

Wumbo: “All right Doug, that’s it! We’re going home! Go to your room and think about your behaviour today. And no dessert after dinner, either!”

Kat: j-JwWhzjIkSqUw_U1d3_K-UCZsVzC_oYh_ONtnFi

James: I'm scared!

Jesse: Me, too!

OMJ: Guys, we knew what we were getting ourselves into by choosing to riff these.

Steel: But hey, at least you had the decency to skim through the movie to find clips summing up your feelings of it, or to make jokes about your lack of motivation or interest in reviewing it.

NC (voiceover): Okay, so they never REALLY tell us what a Pokémon is, 

Jjs: Not even Sherlock or Thrawn could crack this mind boggler of a mystery.

Fred: So what you’re saying is, you want one of the characters of the movie to look at the screen modern Simpsons-style and explain to the audience who already know what a Pokemon is what a Pokemon is?

OMJ: You know where they do tell you what Pokémon are at the very beginning? The games!

Steel: If it’s so hard for you to have Pokemon explained to you, then it’s only fitting for Dromboid from the Star Wars Holiday Special to help you out.

but from what I can gather, they're kinda like little monsters you can capture and use for fighting. The way they capture them is they throw some kind of magical ball that shrinks them down so that you can fit them in your pocket. Kinda like a Pocket Monster or something.

Jjs: It is said that if you look carefully at Doug’s forehead when he’s spewing this eloquent analysis, you can see a tint of the galaxy brain residue glowing off of it.

OMJ: Like watching a baby take its first steps.

Steel: If you were going to learn while in the process of doing your review, you could’ve given us a heads-up.

NC: In fact, they should've just called it Pocket Monsters, then at least things would make a little bit more sense! But apparently Pokémon is a romanized contraction of a Japanese word which translates out to...oh you've gotta be kidding me. It ACTUALLY translates out to Pocket Monster? 

Jjs: I’d question why he bothered with the “cute fluff” above if he was going to research the explanation anyways, but I’m more baffled at this being the only thing he bothered to research on this entire review. His consistency is truly a wonder.

Why didn't you just call it Pocket Monster then, I know what a Pocket Monster is, it's a monster that fits in your pocket, easy!

Steel: Says the same guy who consistently asked what exactly a Pokemon is.

Wumbo: Because who needs style and creativity when naming things? I mean, your show is literally called “Nostalgia Critic”, with characters such as “Hyper Fangirl”, and… *heavy sigh* “Devil Boner”, so maybe naming isn’t your strong suit. Doesn’t mean you have to be jealous about it, though.

Kat: oOlnRE1NwvVzml1chikA6Ms8WjZ3g_TPn3H6gHAC

Why would you keep Pokémon, that's ridiculous, nobody knows what a Pokémon is!

Jjs: Something something western culture something something easier for branding.

OMJ: Living proof that not all westerners are uncultured swines.

Steel: But you just explained it to us what they are- Aw, forget it. Who am I to question the Critic’s inane logic?

It sounds like something a Jamaican shouts out when he wants to play cards.

NC is dressed as a Jamaican, holding cards

OMJ: I sure hope whoever took the time to write all of this out was fairly compensated.

Steel: I have the same mutual feeling towards the Critic’s costume designer.

Wumbo: You think DATS BAD LOIS, remember the time I culturally appropriated Jamaicans to make a point about a kid’s movie?

Kat: As someone who actually has Jamaican heritage on both sides of the family, eat shit for this awful attempt at a joke.

NC: Hey, would you like to play some pokey, mon?

Words saying "Apologies to Jamacans EVERYWHERE!"

Jjs: I’m sure the one Jamaican that still watches your reviews humbly accepts this apology.

Fred: For someone who complained about Scrubs’ and Family Guy’s cutaway jokes, he sure likes to make those jokes himself.

OMJ: The easiest crack he could possibly take, and he took it.

Steel: With such major emphasis on the word ‘everywhere,’ I’m sure that they’ll accept your apology.

Wumbo: You could apologize to the rest of us too, while you’re at it.

Kat: Alexa, play “Too Little, Too Late” by JoJo.

BP: 61hT1TiQOqZHoxIgCZPZKmzSZtQjuKg1-aGhxk4K

NC (voiceover): So the story is about the clone of the most powerful Pokémon in the world, Mew. The clone's name? Mewtwo.

Steel: Okay, cool, glad we had this talk.

Corey: Mew AND Mewtwo.

Neesha: So Mewtwo was cloned from Mew.

NC: What is this, a Dr. Seuss book?

Jjs: I presume Doug took up a lot of galaxy brain power to craft that magnificent zinger.

Fred: I’m questioning a lot about this review, and yet it’s only halfway through. Perhaps we should consult Nitpick #1 and Nitpick #2.

OMJ: They’re only two of the greatest Pokémon names ever.

Steel: A critic’s faithful 100%. However, this review is not making myself feel 100% amused.

Wumbo: This is coming from the guy who thinks that Pokemon should have been called “Pocket Monsters” because “Pokemon” apparently was just too much for his brain to handle.

NC (voiceover): He's upset because apparently he doesn't LIKE being a clone. So he blows up the laboratory with all the innocent scientists burning alive inside.

Jjs: I don’t know if I’d call those scientists “innocent” given they worked for Team Rocket, who committed inhumane acts to the mons in the games, but whatever helps you sleep at night.

Fred: “I don’t want to be a clone! I’ve always wanted to be a lumberjack!”

OMJ: That’s like the Critic’s whole dynamic with AVGN.

You know, for kids! 

Jjs: 4Kids TV, is always on!

OMJ: Ahh! I made the joke too early!

Fred: Watch this, kids. This line is going to be repeated many times by NC expies in the distant future.

Wumbo: ELEPHANT A CHUCKA NORIIIISSSS BOOMER WILL LIVE ZUUL MOTHERFUCKER ZUUL

Steel: Come on Critic, don’t you usually like it when animated films or shows get away with super dark and scary stuff like, I don’t know…*COUGH* Secret of NIMH?

NC (voiceover): Later on, another man tries to take him under his wing, 

Wumbo: If you know what he’s saying.

to teach him how to focus his powers. Buuut that doesn't go over well either. After his little temper tantrums he decides to set out and destroy all of humanity and Pokémon-ity alike. 

Steel: Oh the humanity! Or should I say the Pokémon-ity?

Why? Because the world is dark, cruel, meaningless, and can't conjure up better writers to create a better backstory.

Jjs: Nor can we conjure up better writers for Doug regardless of what time we’re in.

OMJ: It’s really hard to believe that Doug can’t empathize with his fellow clone- oh wait, ego.

Steel: Try to conjure better jokes and then we’ll talk.

Wumbo: It’s a kid’s movie? It doesn’t need a deep, rich, backstory when its primary motive is to be a franchise-extending phenomenon?

Also, this was literally me searching up the movie on Wikipedia:

“However, after Mewtwo learns of his purpose to be a weapon for Giovanni's benefit, he escapes back to New Island where he plots revenge against humanity and Pokémon alike.”

But, again, we wouldn’t expect you to follow the complicated motivations of Pokemon, the First Movie. You’re right, dude! It’s all just random nonsense! Like, Pokemon? That’s a dumb word! What the heck is a BUTTERFREE, am I right? Hey, don’t kick me out of the theater! I’m a CRITIC!

Brock: That's progress.

Steel: Come on Brock, you should know better than to let some internet critic put words into your own mouth, or in other words, be used for a cheap joke.

NC: Meanwhile on the other side of...wherever this all takes place, we come across our three main characters: Misty, Brock and Ash, a Pokémon trainer, who I think would be a lot cooler if he were like the Ash from the Evil Dead movies.

Jjs: I like how he didn’t give any descriptor for Misty and Brock lol. Doug really said fuck 'em, huh. We owe Misty and Brock apologies for this neglect. :( 

Fred: He could have at least given a description for Misty. But fuck Brock, he’s the worst. I’m sorry, I still have Pokemon Yellow flashbacks. Let’s move on.

OMJ: Ahem, it’s “Ash, Misty and Brock” in that order.

Ash (Evil Dead version): Swallow this.

Ash fires his gun, and then it cuts to a scene of Pokémon running from an explosion

Jjs: Note to self: Don’t let Doug near any of my Pokemon.

OMJ: Not groovy.

Steel: Get it? It’s funny because the Critic doesn’t like Pokemon.

NC: Now I've heard a lot of people complain how these three characters have absolutely no personality. 

Wumbo: ...who? Literally who in your life, online or not, spends their time complaining about the lack of personality from Pokemon characters?

But I think they have PLENTY of personality! For example: Brock has the personality of mud, 

Fred: I’d make a joke about Brock’s Pokemon being all Ground-types, but I’d probably end up running it into the ground.

OMJ: Can somebody with the personality of mud turn a frying pan into a drying pan?! That’s like the exact opposite of mud! It’s dirt!

Steel: It’s becoming more and more obvious that you haven’t done much research on the franchise beforehand if you couldn’t make the joke that he has the personality of a pile of rocks.

Misty has the personality of motor oil, 

OMJ: More like bike oil, amirite. Show watchers know what’s up.

Steel: A water-type trainer with the personality of a substance that doesn’t blend well together with water. That doesn’t sound too bad, actually.

and even Ash has the distinct personality of sandpaper. Now I know what you're thinking, isn't that a little extreme? I mean, even sandpaper can be interesting sometimes.

Jjs: I agree, that was a little extreme, because sandpaper and Ash both probably have a tint of more charismatic personality than modern Doug.

OMJ: I’m surprised he didn’t try making an ash pun of some sort.

Steel: It’s fine. As long as you’re not picking a fight with my boy, Meowth, who has the personality of a rocket missile that’ll hit you if you compare him with something unwise, then we won’t have any problems.

Ash: Guess you're right…

OMJ: Oh don’t just splice in footage and mince his words like that.

Steel: Oh, the wonders of manipulative editing.

NC (voiceover): These three kids set out to catch as many Pokémon as possible. Because...I guess somebody has to.

Jjs: I mean you’re certainly not going to, you lazy bum. You don’t know how important it is that us gamers catch them when the fate of the world is on the line! Around the time Doug was taking a quaint dump on Pokémon over here, Cyrus had nearly destroyed their universe. Now you all see the importance of catching Pokemon. Yes, that was my shill plug for the upcoming Diamond & Pearl remakes.

OMJ: Not Brock, he wants to breed as many Pokémon as possible.

Wumbo: Bow chicka wow wow

Steel: Certainly not Misty either. It’s water-type or die in her turf.

NC (voiceover): They're followed by the evil trio known as Team Rocket, who want steal Ash's Pokémon and use them for their own evil deeds.

Steel: Oh, you mean the trio with those two gay guys, like you mentioned before?

The human's names are Jesse and James. Oh I get it, like Jesse James the famous outlaw, yeah. That's... that's, uh, really not funny.

Jjs: You know what else is not funny? You all know. 

Fred: I couldn't agree more about The Big Bang Theory.

OMJ: I was thinking Mike Matei.

Steel: Considering that this is coming from someone who has the personality of a popsicle stick with a cheap joke printed on it, I’d say look who’s talking.

Wumbo: I don’t find the joke funny. Thank you, please pay ten thousand dollars to my Patreon so we can get Pop Quiz Hotshot up and running.

Kat: That’s genuinely funnier than anything you’ve said so far. 

NC (voiceover): And there's also Meowth, a Pokémon who for some reason can speak English, unlike the other Pokémons, 

Jjs: *Pokémon. Yeah, I’m really letting my nerd rage get to me here.

BP: My man literally pronounces them “poak-key-mawn”, I’m not sure if this is that surprising considering that.

OMJ: The episode where Meowth learns to speak is literally one of the best of that era.

Fred: I think you mean Pokemen...or Pokewomen...or Pokenonbinaries.

who can only say their names over and over and over.

Montage of exactly this happening

OMJ: Cue Montage from Robot Chicken (who also happens to be Jamaican).

NC: Which sounds pretty annoying at first, but after you hear dialogue like this:

OMJ: Critic going on about something that sounds annoying is rich coming from him.

Brock: She's really small, but really pretty.

Jjs: Hey now buddy, I will not be tolerating this slander of top tier 4Kids dialogue. And tbh, this dialogue probably isn’t much worse than anything Doug is spewing. :funny: 

OMJ: In Brock’s defense, she was both those things.

NC: Don’t ever use the word ‘smart’ with me!

NC: ...you'll be PRAYING for one-word sentences.

OMJ: Oh I’m praying right now, all right.

Steel: Hey, if this is too much for you, you can always devote your time to watching golden age silent cartoons.

NC (voiceover): So Mewtwo sets up a tournament of the Pokémons, which is just a trap so he can make clones of all of them to take over the world. Our three heroes try to make it to the tournament but a dangerous storm threatens their way. So clever Team Rocket pretends to help them out, disguising themselves as... Swedish vikings?

OMJ: Hey, don’t be dissing god tier humor when you see it.

Jesse (disguised, with accent): Ve get you to New island faster than you can say fahrvergnügen.

OMJ: If only this review went faster than you can say fahrvergnügen. If only I can riff this review faster than you can say fahrvergnügen- Steel’s already caught up to me in the doc as I speak damn :Laugh: 

NC: Ohhhhhhh…

Steel: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Brock: I didn't know vikings still existed!

Jjs: Apologies to Swedish vikings everywhere.

Ash: They mostly live in Minnesota!

Words saying "Apologies to Minnesotans EVERYWHERE!"

Jjs: The one Minnesotan that still watches your reviews humbly accepts this apology.

Fred: Oh, jjs, you clearly saw that joke coming.

OMJ: You know, 4Kids!

Steel: No further acknowledgment towards any fellow Minnesota Viking that may have been offended by this? I suppose you owe another apology.

Kat: Once again, funnier dialogue than the Nostalgia “Critic.”

NC (voiceover): But Team Rocket's plan backfires and our heroes make it safely to Mewtwo's fortress. There they discover his evil plan as Mewtwo captures all the Pokémon and makes clones of them down below. But the Pokémon are later freed and ready to kick some Poké-ass!

Jjs: I want to find “kick some Poké-ass!” a badass line, but it instead makes me think of literal Pokémon ass and that makes me die a little inside. Unless, tinfoil hat time, Doug subtly is telling us he wants the literal Poké ass. Perhaps his anger towards Pokémon stems from a hidden furry angst, and there’s certainly been a lot of waifu bait mons since this review to quench his thirst. Ah ha, I’ve caught you now Doug! You don't need to be afraid anymore! THE TRUTH WILL BE REVEALED! 

BP: Not sure if that’s really anything to shame someone for, if I’m being completely honest.

Fred: More like “Lapr-ass”! (Note: I forget if Lapras was in this movie or not but it’s the only clever pun I could make.)

Steel: Is it going to involve invading a micro-nation named Pokéassia, then splitting the movie into seven parts or so? I sure hope not. 

OMJ: He’s trying too Poké-hard.

Wumbo: Why not just call it “pocket ass”?

NC: And the rest of the movie is pretty much this:

Montage of Pokémon fighting their clones

NC: It's NOTHING BUT FIGHTING!

Jjs: It’s almost like that’s what happens when a movie is based on a franchise that is about monsters fighting each other. Sure could’ve fooled me too.

Steel: But isn’t this the action that you’ve been waiting to see, or is your clear lack of investment in this film just showing as usual?

OMJ: This is like bitching about there being too much monster fighting in a Godzilla movie.

BP: This sentence can be used to describe a lot of things that he and I both seem to like, funnily enough.

Kat: My guy, this is Pokémon, not The West Wing. You think they’re gonna walk down hallways and talk to each other?

NC (voiceover): It's just Pokémon running, zapping, jumping, ducking, screaming...and since they're fighting their own clones, I can't even tell which one I'm supposed to be rooting for! 

Jjs: Funny thing about that, because if you bothered paying attention, you’d know the Pokémon clones all had unique markings on them to help differentiate them from the normal ones during this fight. But “comedy” over accuracy, I get it, you do you.

Steel: Let’s not forget to mention blinking, coughing, sneezing, eating, breathing, snoring, belching, yodeling, spitting, blowing their noses, and reading Sports Illustrated either.

OMJ: Just shut up and enjoy the carnage. You literally joked about Ash Williams killing a bunch Pokemon just earlier. This should be up your alley.

Fred: I’m rooting for the Minnesota Vikings.

The only interesting thing that happens is that the original Mew shows up to challenge Mewtwo. And I don't know if it's because I don't watch the show, 

Wumbo: Never doubt your own ignorance.

but... is Mew supposed to be retarded?

Fred: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm…

Okay, I’m speechless here so I’ll let the other riffers down here handle this for me.

Jjs: Yikes. Actual serious apologies to neurodivergents everywhere. This edgy humor gives you a pretty good indicator of this review's age, though I’m not going to harp on Doug over this too much because there’s a lot more to cancel him over.

Steel: Aaaaand SCRATCH.SFX goes the record on my turntable. 

OMJ: Even back in 2008, the r-word didn’t sit well with me. Be good people, people.

Kat: Wow you are TRYING to be as offensive as possible, huh?

I mean he doesn't do anything. He just bounces around making mumbling noises to himself. Is that normal?

Steel: And by that logic, I shall diagnose you with gonorrhea, which is something that I certainly don’t want to catch from you.

OMJ: I can’t believe I forgot exactly how tone-deaf this part got. All I took away from this after all these years was the Pokè-hate.

Wumbo: This is a good joke at no one’s expense. Except, you know, people with intellectual disabilities, but I think we’ve dehumanized them enough that they don’t count anymore. I’m so glad Doug’s here to truth-bomb us about a movie from a franchise he’s never watched, comparing people with disabilities to LITERAL ANIMALS.

BP: As a neurodivergent, I’m not even offended. Being compared to a chill ass psychic being is actually kinda badass. Kinda backfired on that one mate.

Mew gets hit with an attack and is sent flying

NC: Thank you.

Jjs: Apologies to Mews everywhere.

OMJ: Damn it, I looked back just now and it wasn’t the part where Mewtwo blasted Mew and Mew fired it back at him. Sigh

NC (voiceover): While looking over all these Furbies beating the shit out of each other, 

Wumbo: BUH? BUT-BUT WHAT’S A FURBY? WHY NOT JUST CALL THEM FURRY BABIES, I KNOW WHAT A FURRY BABY IS!

Steel: Apologies to Pokemon everywhere, and not Furbies because they always creep us out and do not deserve to be lumped in the same category as the one thing the Nostalgia Critic is still trying to figure out what the heck they are.

BP: I’m honestly confused how he’s able to fully understand the appeal of Furbies and Beanie Babies down to a T but not Pokemon. It’s literally just a few more variables that need to be understood but he’s making it seem like the 1000 or so pages that open up Homestuck that come before a single troll shows up. I don’t even know if that’s the most accurate comparison or not. I haven’t actually bothered far into Homestuck because I don’t have the patience and I’m not even sure if I even have the free time to check it out. You don’t see me making fifteen minute long videos on Homestuck though.

Ash finally comes to a stunning realization. Fighting must be...bad!

Fred: Fighting bad. Pointing out the obvious good.

Scenes of Pokémon fighting make NC react dramatically

Steel: Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. Is the Critic actually being invested in something Pokemon-related now? 

OMJ: I read that aloud and I can’t help but think this

NC: When will we learn?

Steel: Just had to make this joke:

Apologies to SammyClassicSonicFans everywhere.

Oh, even Pikachu is getting horribly beaten. No, Pikachu, no! Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself! Talk about self-abuse. So what are we supposed to learn from this onslaught of violence?

Jjs: That fad is just one letter away from fade-wait, sorry, wrong review.

Steel: Good thing I was able to look into the future to see that you’ll eventually make jokes about how you enjoy seeing the electric mouse suffer in pain in your later reviews, so I could tell that you’re only pretending to be concerned by this.

Misty: This just proves that fighting is wrong!

OMJ: And it was here that Misty officially dropped her beef over her bike.

Kat: Aw, but I wanted to fight Doug! *sadly puts away boxing gloves*

NC: Yes, violence is never the answer in any situa-

Nurse Joy: Pokémon aren't meant to fight... not like this.

Jjs: No, people. Let’s be smart and bring it off.

Steel: Oh, so now Nurse Joy is going to preach to us.

OMJ: She could just heal them 6 at a time at the Pokècenter when it’s all over with.

NC: Oh, you're still going. Sorry.

Jjs: Don’t you dare diss the queen Nurse Joy on my watch! She’s saved my mons from the brink of death countless times, that’s a true hero right there! 

Nurse Joy: What can come out of it?

Neesha: Nothing... but pain.

NC: You done? Okay, so after we discover that-

Steel: Sorry to interrupt, Nostalgia Critic, but another character is going to interrupt you by making the same point as part of your joke.

Brock: Why can't Mewtwo understand it's not right to force Pokémon to battle this way?

Steel: Bet you thought that I was psychic, or in other words, a Psychic type, but I’m not.

OMJ: Why can’t Nostalgia Critic understand it’s not right to half ass a Pokémon review this way?

NC looks around, confused, but allows them to continue.

Jjs: Doug hurt himself in his own confusion!

Steel: Perhaps next time around, you won’t have to interrupt them and they won’t have to interrupt you? That way, we can all move on as we’re all made aware about what the point being made here is.

Misty: They're all living creatures.

James: Now I can see how horrible fighting really is.

Jesse: Even the best of friends'll fight sometimes.

Meowth: Maybe if we started lookin' at what's the same, instead of always lookin' at what's different...well, who knows.

Ash: Someone's gotta take a stand. Someone's gotta say no!

Fred: Say no to nitpicking movies. This has been a message from The United Services Against Nitpicking and the Ad Council.

Jjs: Remember kids, just say no if someone is inappropriately reviewing you!

Steel: Or if some unfunny, online rando critic decides to review something that he’s not all too familiar with. There’s only so many other situations that this clip could be made as a response towards though.

James: I was prepared for trouble... but not for this.

Jjs: And make it double!

Steel: We protect the world from devastation, but at what cost?

OMJ: I mean, at least you prepared for something James. More than can be said for some critic.

Wumbo: Best line in the review, punks.

BP: Just wanna say the “is it done yet?” notions he’s making in the video makes it look like he’s getting really good head. I’m jelly

Kat: Is it time for Doug to blast off again yet?

NC: Okay seriously, ya done? Are ya sure? There's no other obvious life lessons you wanna cram into our heads? 

Jjs: The dialogue is a bit cheesy and repetitive, but there’s a lot of characters in this stadium, so it’s kind of a given a lot of people are going to be talking. Therefore, making this “gosh dangit I’m being interrupted!” gag kinda forced in retrospect. I can’t believe I used to find this guy funny lmao.

Steel: I don’t want to be one to give them ideas, but “be cool about fire safety” comes to my mind.

Okay, so after that we find out that there's-

Nurse Joy: I'd rather risk my life out in Mewtwo's storm-

NC: SHUT UP! Goddammit, shut up! We get it, violence is bad, don't fight, we will not fight, how many times do you have to hammer this shit in? I mean, talking about it doesn't make us LESS violent, it makes us more violent!

Jjs: DOUG SMASH! I would complain about the forced “rage” here but this is too lulzy for me to criticize. (also it’s a lot more bearable when read instead of heard)

Steel: Well, given that meltdown that you just had, you do make a solid point there.

OMJ: I’d rather risk my life out in Mewtwo’s storm-

NC: SHUT UP! Goddammit, shut up! We get it, my review is bad!

BP: I’m just imagining that last sentence coming out of the mouth of Ben Shapiro. It genuinely sounds like something he’d say to Own The Libs.

Kat: STOP INTERRUPTING ME EVEN THOUGH I’M EDITING THE CLIPS IN, DAMMIT

Scenes of Pokémon battling

NC (voiceover): I mean, am I the only one who finds it a little ironic that a franchise that's made it's whole profit on nothing BUT fighting, is suddenly telling us that it's BAD to be fighting?

Fred: Fighting bad. No action in an action-based movie good.

Jjs: Wait, so if you knew that all along, why were you so shit your pants level shocked that the movie would have fighting in it earlier? I could also point out that the original Japanese version of the film didn’t have the anti-violence moral at all, but again, “comedy” over research.

Steel: If it’s “nothing BUT fighting” to you, then you still clearly haven’t done the research that you should’ve made before doing this review. Of course, you churn out each of these reviews once a week, so why should I complain, really?

OMJ: It’s not all fighting. Why, just the other day, I made my team some gold-tier curry. And don’t get me started on all the Poké contests I entered. There was literally a game all about taking pictures at the time this review was released. Pokémon’s got more legs than a Giratina in altered forme. And certainly more legs than most modern NC reviews. 

How fucking hypocritical is that? That's like O.J. Simpson going around telling everyone that it's bad to kill people.

Jjs: Comparing O.J. Simpson to a silly light hearted Pokémon moral was...certainly uh, a hell of a comparison to say the least.

Brock: At least his mouth is working.

Steel: And you should be glad that you’re using yours better than the Critic himself.

NC (voiceover): Amidst all the violence and chaos, we see that Ash gets caught in the middle of a laser blast and is transformed into a stone statue. I know I should feel bad, but all I can think about is how great it would be if *I* actually got stoned right now.

Jjs: Well hey, I’m not against Doug getting stoned if it makes his reviewing a little more interesting. I’ve got some of the fresh, legal Jersey weed if you ever need it, bud.

Steel: Nice 9th grade humor, dude. Even I couldn’t have thought of a joke so predictable.

OMJ: I mean, you kinda should for doing Pokémon this dirty. But that’s just me.

Mewtwo: You are as pathetic as the rest.

NC (voiceover): So the Pokémon stop fighting and have a good cry at the loss of their fallen hero. But wait a minute! ... Oh no, they can't be. I mean I knew this movie was bad, but... no no, it's impossible, this movie can't POSSIBLY be that stupid.

Jjs: ...Seriously, are we sure we’re not riffing SOF’s Exciting Critic Corner?

Wumbo: I kind of want to apologize to SECC for a second because it clearly didn’t have much material to pay homage to.

NC (voiceover): Oh my God, they are. They're using their tears of unfathomable sadness to bring their fallen hero back to life. 

BP: IT BE THE TEARS OF THE GOOFY GOOBERS!!!!

Suck my balls.

BP: gladly ;)

Fred: I’m actually straight and much too underage to do that, but you do you, Doug.

Jjs: Okay, while I agree this twist was cliche and kinda silly, again, it’s...fucking Pokémon man. A Pokémon movie made to advertise the anime and games. It’s silly, but it does fit the franchise’s themes so it’s not like it was horribly out of place. Literally not one person on the planet thought Ash would die. Not worth this forced rage. Also, permission to bleach everyone in this theater’s brain from the image of sucking Doug’s balls.

Steel: Jjs makes a good point here. As much as I should agree about how cliche or silly this scene was, or the fact that a deus ex machina saved Ash’s life, this isn’t really worth overreacting to. It’s a children’s anime film and it would’ve or could’ve been smarter than its execution for the intended audience, but at the end of the day...it’s a children’s anime film. Calm your tits, NC.

OMJ: It was acceptable for me then, and goddammit, it’s still acceptable to me now. The only other option I’d accept would be some sort of new healing item exclusive to the movie that can free Pokémon from being petrified.

Wumbo: I think Ash should have fucking died. Because the world is dark and depressing and- wait, isn’t this a critique Doug made of this very movie?

NC: I mean how more clichéd can you possibly get? And on top of that, what kind of lesson is that to teach your kids? If you cry hard enough, dead people will come back from the grave? 

SpongeBob: I guess crying does solve your problems after all!

Jjs: That’s...not the lesson though? I thought we already established the film’s moral was “fighting is bad”? Wasn’t that what your past few minutes of rage were about?

Steel: Maybe the real tears we’ve shed were the friends we made along the way.

Kat: Come on, Doug, give kids a little more credit than that.

Bullshit! I mean, in Disney films at least, when somebody is dead, they stay dead!

Wumbo: Yeah, no one knows more about staying dead when they’re dead like the Nostalgia Critic. COUGHToBoldyFleeDemoReelCOUGH

Steel: Well, there are some exceptions. There’s even a TV Tropes page with ‘Disney’ as the trope title:

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DisneyDeath

I know this is 2008 and TV Tropes wasn’t a big deal back then, but still...

I mean how would you like it if in Lion King you heard, say:

Shots of The Lion King

NC (voiceover): "Don't worry, Simba, if you cry hard enough, your father will come back from the grave! ... I don't see his eyes opening. I guess you're not crying hard enough." Go on, Simba, cry, CRY! Don't you want your father to come back to life? Do you want him to stay dead forever? Cry harder Simba. Harder. Harder! HARDER! I guess you don't love your father enough. Oh well, that's the circle of life, kid, tough break. You see? It's fucking creepy!

Jjs: Apologies to lions everywhere.

Steel: SNL will hire you for that gag for sure.

Wumbo: The guy who’s upset at the hammered-in message that “fighting’s not right” sure did over-sell this joke.

Misty: Something's not right!

Jjs: Agreed Misty, that cringy attempt at humor from Doug was definitely not right. It’s so cringe I couldn’t even think of another way to riff it. 

NC (voiceover): So after Ash is brought back from the dead, Mewtwo decides he doesn't want to fight anymore. He wants to take all his clones to live a good and peaceful life. Unfortunately, he also takes all the human characters back in time and erases their memories, so they can totally forget the lesson that we spent an hour and half learning IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Jjs: Sure, it’s a typical reset button ending, but again, it’s a Pokémon movie, which were made to not conflict with the anime. Just because the characters forgot it doesn’t mean the kids it was aimed at didn’t. If you were expecting this movie to change the strings of the Pokemon universe forever, you went into the wrong movie.

Steel: Don’t want to have to repeat what I did with one of my last riffs but one, Jjs makes a solid point, and two, as silly and convoluted that plot device was, it’s not worth overreacting towards.

OMJ: Ash and Pikachu hardly carry over all the experience they gain between regions. Ain’t no way this shit’s getting carried over.

Misty: Well, that sure was a shocking ending.

Steel: Misty doesn’t seem to agree with NC’s point, but hey, I don’t blame her.

NC: So now they can go back to their normal ways, fighting all they want, because they can't remember that fighting was bad. What type of message is that? It's okay to fight as long as you know that fighting isn't good? 

Jjs: Wait, I thought the moral was now “If you cry hard enough, dead people will come back to life”?

What a rip-off! I mean, how about a REAL lesson, like, uh... uh...

Scene of Batman Begins

Batman: It's not who I am underneath... but what I DO... that defines me.

NC: Yeah, that's pretty good. Thanks, Batman! What a nice guy. 

Jjs: I hope he got paid well for that shoehorned cameo. With a Bat Credit Card, too.

Fred: Ironic how a joker is calling Batman “a nice guy”.

Steel: I believe the Critic’s love-boner for Batman in general may have already covered the expenses just fine.

OMJ: And what Doug’s done here sure as shit should be an early indicator of what defines him.

Wumbo: Or, how about this line, for instance?

“I see now that the circumstances of one’s birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.”

Yeah, that moral could have been a good one to put in the film. Who said that line, anyway?

BUT HE HAS A POINT! Just because you know something is bad doesn't excuse you from doing it. A real lesson from a real hero.

Jjs: Don’t be giving me bullshit about “real heroes” when you trashed Nurse Joy earlier.

BP:  69bpuqxQI22Ykmq2-XIPzdMsWf8TLh0h4ndm6kE-

Fergus: NO WAY!

NC (voiceover): Bottom line? This movie is stupid. It's stupid because it's boring, it's boring because it's confusing, and it's confusing because it's stupid.

Steel: And stupid is what stupid does. You’re the one who decided to review and watch this thing blind after all.

Jjs: This is what I like to call half-assing your review at the last minute when you realize you forgot to make any actual points. I’m sure he made a great essay bullshitter in school.

Wumbo: Replace “movie” with “review” am I right folks ha ha ha ha oh god I’m no better am I

Kat: I could say the same thing about—oh damn you Wumbo.

Even the moral makes no fucking sense, so how am I supposed to trust the rest of it?

Jjs: I’ll say, given you seem a little confused on which moral you’re angry at. Or, ohh, maybe it’s been left up to interpretation for us, the viewers, to decide which moral to walk away with! I see you Doug! I know what moral I’m taking away from this: Doug should never talk about Pokémon ever again...

MpE4dgEw7qcg9dL8LqZE8bw8vrhivtS961BP0sS- 

...dammit.

I never watched Pokémon, and I'm glad I never did. 

Jjs: Finally, something we can agree on.

Steel: I wish I could say the same about your series, but I’ll continue being glad in pretending that it stopped existing after whatever notoriously bad review you’ve made.

OMJ: I’m sure Pokémon’s glad you never did either.

Wumbo: “Because if I actually sat down and watched it, I would have to take out half the jokes of me feigning confusion about a perfectly understandable kid’s movie!”

We had GOOD shows in our day. Like the one about the mutant reptiles who ate pizza and practiced... ninjitsu…

Fred: “Remember Bobby’s World? It was a good show! You’re too young to remember.”

Steel: Just merely having to mention ninjutsu triggered the Critic’s PTSD.

Kat: Okay, boomer.

 or the one about the three chipmunks that got together and got their own... rock... band... 

Steel: It’s better than hyper-realistic chipmunks with the same concept, so I’ll be fair and give you that.

or the one about the bears who... made people feel better by shooting hearts out of their... stomachs... THOSE WERE THE DAYS!

Steel: And denial is not just a river in Egypt. I know what the joke here is supposed to be, but still... 

I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

Jjs: So right off the bat, this should probably have been an early warning sign Doug wasn’t a very good reviewer from the start. This was even worse than I remembered. Doug’s complete lack of research or attention to anything about Pokémon is what frustrates me most about this “review.” I get that’s supposed to be the “joke” but it makes it hard to take him seriously as a reviewer, and it’s not even funny. I’m not asking for him to do a deep dive into every nook and cranny of the Pokémon lore, but some basic research probably wouldn’t have killed him. Google existed in 2008, right? I don’t know, as a Pokémon geek I might be harder on this one than others. It’s not as bad as some of Doug’s upcoming reviews, but I can’t say this was a passable review even by 2008’s standards. Ignoring the lack of research, this review was obnoxious, and the few attempts to “criticize” the movie were objectively lousy as shit. They felt like the same nonsensical criticisms you’d see in any low effort online review. You know, this review legitimately felt like something you’d see from an old tv.com shitpost review. And that’s not a good comparison for me to make. I know this is an early review, critics can evolve, and yeah, a lot of my early riffs weren’t great either, but in some ways this laid the blueprints for problems his show still has today. Unfortunately, the further we go into Doug’s storyline, you’ll probably be begging for low-effort reviews like this one back. I’m Jjs, and we the people riff the Nostalgia Critic so you don’t have to watch him!

Fred: I would honestly agree with jjs’ tv.com review comparison, but if I may, I think I have a comparison that’s just as good. Follow me on this.

To anyone who doesn’t know who The Irate Gamer is, he’s a video game critic who many people have accused of blatantly plagiarizing from The Angry Video Game Nerd. He was also known for getting his information about video games terribly wrong. One of his most infamous reviews was the one where he nitpicked Super Mario Bros. 2, criticising the game for not being anything like the original, asking questions about the game like he barely did any research on it, pretending to be angry about something that isn’t really that bad to begin with, and even slowing down the footage at one point to make it seem like the invincibility star goes up at an unusually long time.

This review reminded me a lot of that Irate Gamer review. I shouldn’t really have to compare any acclaimed critic to a despised critic no matter how hilariously bad The Irate Gamer is. If I have to do that, clearly you must be doing something wrong. Have no idea how well some of Doug’s early reviews will hold up after reading this one (I still stand by Cartoon All-Stars being one of his best reviews) and I’m kinda afraid to find out now.

OMJ: Well, revisiting this shit sure as hell didn’t convert me over to the Doug side. Jjs sums it up with the tv.com shitpost review comment. I was more forgiving towards Doug back at the ages of 14-17, so I stuck around as a regular viewer of his for a while longer. It definitely opened my eyes to the fact that reviewers should have at least some basic knowledge before tackling a subject that’s way out of their scope of range. I know James Rolfe gets a lot of help from those Screenwave guys nowadays, but back when it was prime AVGN vs prime Critic, AVGN didn’t go past his weight class, so to speak. At least not in the way that Critic did here. AVGN at the time stuck to stuff that he had great knowledge of and a lot of his episodes excelled because of it. Even nowadays, you can almost distinctly tell whenever the Nerd’s heart really is in something that he produces. I even hold the Cinema Snob in a higher regard than NC because he at least has some knowledge of a lot of the crap I see him get into before putting it out there for the world to see. Critic always (and I do mean til this very day) comes off too try hard, especially whenever faced with something out of his comfort zone like Pokémon. Well, I’ve got more shit on my slate in the coming (post-return, yuck) episodes. Glad I could be apart of this last hurrah for the Riffing Theater!

Steel: So that sucked, just like Doug’s career in general. So why didn’t I consider this review as even a dishonorable mention for the worst NC reviews I’ve seen? Well...at least Doug is self-aware that this review isn’t going to please or entertain everyone? On top of that, this was at least before Doug decided to milk the Critic’s hatred of Pokemon til’ its sweet death. Even while this is a bad review, it was very much destined to be as such to the point where I can’t help but feel apathetic towards it.

However, does that excuse the the main problem with the review where even though Doug shows very little care towards Pokemon to the point where he simply doesn’t do any research on it, succumbing to making cheap jokes about his lack of knowledge and commitment to this franchise...he still chooses to review the god-forsaken film anyways, knowing full well that he’s not going to understand everything about it? The answer to that question here is already obvious.

You don’t care about Pokemon, Doug? Fine. If you’re going to review a piece of work that literally has Pokemon attached to it because fans of your show were clamoring for it, despite that you know eff all about the franchise, then there’s a simple piece of advice that you would have followed: DO. YOUR. RESEARCH. I know that you have a one review per week schedule that you work with, but it shouldn’t be so hard to devote your time finding the answers to all those questions you’ve been asking yourself regarding this apparent conundrum.

On top of that, who really cares that you don’t care about the subject of your review? Your fans would’ve cared more if you actually made a competent review of something that’s not your forte and showed acquired knowledge of it. Otherwise, the end result is just going to be tasteless. If it wasn’t so hard for you to get into Avatar: The Last Airbender before reviewing the M. Night Shyamalan film, then it shouldn’t be so hard for you to get into and comprehend Pokemon, but of course, you would only learn this lesson years later, like how you’re better off reviewing anime with folks that are more familiar with it, because after this review and the Sailor Moon one, it can be best said that you can’t be trusted when it comes to doing NC reviews for that medium while solo.

Bottom line, this review is an early red flag sign of Doug’s competence as a reviewer and as an entertainer (or lack thereof). It’s a bad review, but it’s an unsurprising one at that. Besides, if you thought a poorly-handled review on a subject unknown to Doug was bad, you should see his other bad reviews in which he’s actually familiar with the topic at hand. That concludes my commentary for this review, as I anticipate to riff the next one on the chopping block. It’s another older review and this time, it’s one that has narrowly made my top 20 worst NC reviews list. Hopefully, going through the transcript for the review will give me more to say about it.

Wumbo: Fuckin’ Doug!

BP: Okay, uh, this was a mess.

I admit my own personal experience with Pokemon has been somewhat sheltered. What it boils down to was that as a kid, the games seemed fun from a distance, the anime (which I guess therefore includes the films) looked like something I could’ve been into if I gave it a shot (why I didn’t I myself don’t really know), the card game seemed like it could be cool if I could actually understand how it was played, the whole franchise basically amounts to “this looks cool, I just didn’t grow up with it and I’m not sure I can really connect to it if I didn’t grow up with it” for me. Honestly for all I know I could’ve watched more Digimon than Pokemon growing up. Which isn’t to say I don’t find appeal in the franchise, in general I feel like the character designs of the mons (whether it be those I find cute, those I’d think are probably chill, those i’d smash [artist renderings of] and those I think are aesthetically pleasing in one way or another, there’s a pretty big overlap between these categories) should belong to something I should be into and I can’t say I still don’t want to get into the series at some point, the thing is I don’t often check out anime, I don’t have the expense to shill out for card packs regularly, and 95% of the time I just find RPGs a slog to play, so it kind of passes me on those fronts. The only mainline game I’ve really made some kind of progress on was Black and then my brother took my copy, so that was that. None of this is to say I don’t want to keep giving the series a chance, mind, It’s just kind of my own fault I haven’t really bothered with the series.

But even I, someone whose experience with the franchise is overall pretty minimal, really have to wonder why exactly Doug thought to review this movie how he did. I dunno, it’s clearly not the worst video of his I know of, but it’s also like, so obviously the first draft of something. His laziness here is pretty remarkable and I’m not sure if I’ll ever go back and watch more of his old videos, much less still find them funny, but here his writing just takes a backseat to the most predictable punchlines. I’m not sure exactly how Pokemon fans view The First Movie (i will say though this song is kind of a banger), but I’m sure they at least seem like they give a shit when the topic of discussion comes up. I’m not sure there really were that much requests for Doug to review it, but assuming there was, how would this have satisfied them? Even if you dish out the “Well, you wanted an opinion” excuse, this video just makes him look like a dick that doesn’t give a fuck about what he’s talking about, which I guess admittedly is him most days. I mean, again, there’s definitely worse episodes of the show to come, but this really ain’t it chief. 

Kat: I’m Kat, and I wish I didn’t remember this review. Holy hell, what a pile of garbage. You can tell that Doug had no interest in the subject matter at all because this entire review was low-effort and half-assed. I’m not expecting a concise history of the Pokémon franchise, but at least do some basic research. His constant “jokes” expressing confusion about Pokémon were far more annoying than funny. And let’s not mention the offensive, edgy attempts at humor. Smell you later, prick.

 

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Episode II: Nicktoons

Spoiler

Jjs: Next up on Doug Walker’s crazy ride, we’ll be taking a stop at January 2009. I chose this one because well, we are a site for a Nickelodeon show, so it seems fitting. No, I’m not getting any shill money from doing this (at least I don’t think I am). As I said at the end of the previous riffs, critics can evolve, so let’s see if he’s “evolved” any from the Pokémon review. (spoiler: he hasn’t)

SOF: Oh man, it’s been a long time since I’ve riffed. This is the only episode I’m riffing and that’s probably a wise choice, as I’m not sure how much of Doug’s insanity I could put up with. As most know, I used to be a big fan of Nostalgia Critic as early as 2010, and he inspired me so much that I made an SBC literature where I pretended to be him. We all have our regrets. Eventually, I grew out of his reviews like many other members. They just lost their charm and he didn’t have the same spark for me anymore. Which is why I’m here to riff! Anyways, so today we’re looking at Doug’s analysis of Nicktoons, eh? This is one of his earliest reviews I vaguely remember watching when getting into him, but haven’t seen it in years, so I’m curious how it’s held up. Given it’s in this theater, I assume not well.

Steel: Hello again, I am Steel Sponge. I’m here to talk about this review so you fellow readers don’t have to. As I mentioned before, this review was bad enough to make my top 20 for the worst Nostalgia Critic reviews, albeit at the lowest spot. For anyone else joining in on the riffs, I should warn you all not to expect so much out of this one because for such a popular topic like Nicktoons...Doug himself doesn’t have so much to talk about, and that’s the main reason as to why I’ve detested this review: for something that you’d think Doug is so familiar with, he doesn’t actually spend most of his time talking about the Nicktoons in general that he’s covering. However, with Jjs willing to take this on, I’m certain that there is something about this review that I’m missing, and I’ve come here to really see if it is really rewarding to be on my list.

Rusty: Hi, I’m Rusty Ralston, I have a youtube channel, and I was on the Old JJS’s riffing show, where I always turned in my Riffs 4 months late, not making that up. Anyway I promise I will be more on-time with my riffs this year.

Fred: Fun fact as to why I chose to do this episode! If I recall correctly, this was the first ever Nostalgia Critic episode I ever watched. In fact, all of the Nickelodeon month reviews were the first ones I watched. Mostly because I wanted Doug to review SpongeBob, but like, what kind of idiots with no lives would ever feel nostalgic for a dumb cartoon that started 21 years ago? Total dumbasses. Go watch Bobby’s World instead. Anyways, time to look at the review that got me hooked on The Nostalgia Critic for some reason!

JCM: Hey y’all! It’s JCM! Late as usual! I haven’t watched a lot of NC, but I’ve done a lot of riffs, and I even had my own riffing show for a while I’d rather not say any more about! So...let’s get this thing started!

Burgerpants: It’s that one and only man with too many names up for another round of really awkward turn of the decade internet reviewer action! The weird thing about this episode is that I’m pretty sure up until now I’ve never actually seen the Doug portion of the episode, maybe because when growing up I always thought it seemed like such a weird show to bash as hard as he apparently does. In general I remember the Nick Month to be this weird mixed bag that mostly turned up duds for me even back when I loved this dude. On the top of my head I only remember the part of the Snick episode where he went off at Vital Information (which… ehh I guess made me smile a bit and sort kind of indicates he had a pinch of self-awareness at one point in his life, kind of) and the one time I watched the Good Burger episode, which I remember liking but refusing to watch it again because that would mean I would have to sit through someone shitting on Good Burger. I’m not disrespecting a king-level film like that.

what the fuck is the thumbnail to the nickcoms episode

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like of course i know what it’s meant to be but like. what

(looks at transcript for that episode and sees he makes a comment early on that probably doesn’t reflect well on his view of trans people (and honestly that’s not even really an isolated incident just from what i remember from some of his other videos)) ok uh….. nevermind i’m done talking about the rest of the month’s vids let’s just get to this

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. 

Jjs: Hello, I’m Jjs, and I riff you so nobody else has to watch you!

SOF: Hello, I’m the Nostalgic SOF and I recap SBC fanfiction so you don’t have to! Wait, sorry, wrong show.

Steel: And I....already gave my mock NC introduction so I guess I’ll just leave it here.

OWM: Hello, I’m the… open window person. That’s right, I’m making my riff debut right here, right now. Was I eight years too late? Maybe. But at least it wasn’t twenty years late like… what we’re about to look through right now. On with the show.

Rusty: Hello, I’m Rusty. I’m 21 but I’m gonna be 22 in like December

JCM: Hello, I’m JCM and I’m an alcoholic. Oh, this isn’t that type of meeting? Sorry.

Tim Buckley: My name is Tim Buckley. I'm a twenty-four-year-old gamer. I've played every violent video game in existence, and I have never killed anyone. There are millions of gamers just like me, and we're getting sick of people like you blaming your problems on us. Ignorance causes violence, not video games. Man up and take responsibility. We outnumber you, and the people that think like you. Don't fuck with us.

Hey, everybody, it's January! You know what that means! 

Fred: Ayy, finally! The Nostalgia Critic’s finally gonna celebrate my birthday! Wait, no? Well, fuck...I hope whatever he’s celebrating is just as important then.

BP: Shit, did I accidentally pick the wrong turn of the decade internet show to be riffing on? *checks* Wait, ok no, let’s move on.

(beat) Probably not, 'cause I just made it up. It's Nickelodeon Month!

OWM: ...this was a mistake

Jjs: Now here’s a somewhat important part of Nostalgia Critic lore, as this review would begin the tradition of Doug’s fancy month long themes. Nickelodeon Month, Schwarzenegger Month, Star Trek Month, Nic Cage Month...and *shudders* Matrix Month, you name them.

SOF: Interestingly, this review was posted the same year Nickelodeon got rid of its splat logo. I’m going to assume this was what killed it.

Steel: Nickelodeon month? I thought it was the time of month for us to give you a good whipping for all these bad reviews, Critic.

Rusty: Boo where are the angry beavers I want my fill of norbert

(Intro to Nickelodeon Month is played, using a 90s Nickelodeon station identification promo, with footage of NC dancing and other goofy things superimposed over it)

Jjs: This is an instance where I feel like reading these instead of watching them is a true relief on your sanities. :bruh: 

JCM: Thank God, cause I didn’t have many more of those to spare.

(Footage of 90s Nickelodeon advertising)

YouTube: --has been taken down due to a copyright claim by Viacom Inc. Sorry. 🙁

Steel: I hope the Riffing Theater can be able to cover the expenses for using these, I don’t think we have a sponsorship with them.

BP: Curious what ya’ll would do in the case you go to a restaurant, the waiter gives you a closed dish meal without you remembering what the fuck you ordered, and Doug Walker’s decapitated yet still animated head is the sole thing that’s on the plate when you open it.

NC (voiceover): Nickelodeon, the first network made for kids, by kids.

Fred: This is not related to the review at all but COVER WHISTLE ALREADY, KIDZ BOP!

Well, okay, not by kids. That would be stupid. But certainly the first network FOR kids. 

Jjs: You know, 4Kids!

Rusty: Ah, the first network dedicated for kids: C-3

BP: Bruh, I would’ve loved the opportunity to run a network back in the day. Pretty sure there was a block way back when where kids could pick what was played on Nick online (I may not remember much of it but all respects to our true lord and savior Pick Boy), except Cartoon Network also did that and doubled down by doing another block where Johnny Bravo would take these damn kids requests. Cartoon Network dominance ho

This was a ground-breaking channel with a ground-breaking notion, and what did this ground-breaking creation give us? 

JCM: An earthquake?

Steel: I don’t know, perhaps their content was...groundbreaking, if I have to make a guess.

Fred: Aw shit, I should know this by now. Is it Ed Edd n Eddy?

Jjs: It’s a good thing he didn’t say ground-breaking three times right in front of a camera lens, since legends say it would’ve inflicted a curse upon the person that makes them suck absolute dogshit at reviewing-oh wait…

Mostly British and Canadian shows. (footage of You Can't Do That on Television, Danger Mouse, and Count Duckula

Rusty: Hey, they were good British and Canadian shows, especially the ones with cartoon animals.

But we didn't care, it was on all the time.

JCM: i cared

That is, until evening, when it would switch over to older adult shows on Nick at Nite. But even those were so implausible and ridiculous that we enjoyed them, too! But, let's be honest--after a while, there's only so many reruns and syndicated shows they could run. So Nickelodeon finally made the logical choice to produce their own material. And what was the result? Nicktoons, a series of cartoons made specifically for the Nickelodeon channel. There were many of these cartoons and they even continued the trademark name of Nicktoons even to this day. But we were there when it first popped up, and don't you forget it!

Jjs: Thanks for the lore dive, Recap Critic. I know I shouldn’t be complaining about him finally bothering to do some research after his complete lack of it in the Pokémon review, but when you see how the rest of this review goes, you’ll see this is mere fluff that doesn’t add much depth to anything, nor is it even really insightful. One small step forward for Doug, and another five steps back, it seems.

SOF: Thanks for recap, Doug...wait, is this a certain literature I made 9 years ago again?

Steel: I could make another joke about infodumping, but clearly, that would be a waste of my time like that whole spiel above.

Rusty: OW MY BRAIN

So, let's take a look at one of their finest and certainly strangest of shows, Ren & Stimpy.

Jjs: Prez should be grateful rn he isn’t riffing. :funny: 

Steel: Here before the cinema turns into a conversation about He Who Must Not Be Named, so I shall continue my part in plugging this creation from one of his victims instead of bringing attention to him:

http://campcomic.com/

OWM: A John K. creation? You’re making it too hard not to riff two people here, Doug.

Fred: I’ll give you strange, but calling it a fine show is a bit of a stretch.

JCM: I’ll give you “strange” and “fine”, but calling it a “show” is a bit of a stretch.

(Footage of The Ren & Stimpy Show plays)

NC (voiceover): A lot of people have mixed feelings toward this cartoon, and there's a good reason: it's freakin' insane! 

Jjs: Even back then people had a laundry list of issues with the show beyond “it’s freakin’ insane.” 

Rusty: It makes me wanna throw up for starters.

Little made sense and half the time the humor came from just how totally out of control and psychotic it was. 

Jjs: The other half came from happens when you leave the mentally insane mind of John K unchecked and unsupervised for too long.

SOF: Funnily enough, that exact description can be applied to your show, too.

Steel: Makes perfect sense as to why this would be the Nicktoon that the Critic would start off with and devote most of his time talking about.

And it kicked ASS!

Jjs: Was this one liner the inspiration for Kickassia? That’s just a Game Theory, though.

Steel: And subsequently, the man who created this thing would have his ass kicked himself. Oh how times have changed since after 2009.

Rusty: Which one, Steel?

Sure, it was gross and vulgar, but on the other hand, it was gross and vulgar! 

Jjs: And on the other other hand, maybe repeating words like this will make it seem like I have a point! Maybe!

NC: Now, I’m saying that it was gross and vulgar, BUT…it definitely was gross and vulgar.

SOF: Sure, it was gross and vulgar, but was it vulgar and gross? We have to account for every combo!

Rusty: Yeah, I just said it made me wanna throw up and I’m fuckin vulgar as shit

Fred: This sentence is pretty repetitive, but on the other hand, it’s pretty repetitive!

JCM: Sure, reading this puts me in immense pain, but on the other hand, reading this puts me in immense pain!

BP: penis dick balls cum jizzzz boss

Kids love that kind of stuff and this was one of the first cartoon shows to totally engross us in it. 

Jjs: I see what you did there Doug, very subtle, clever and wholesome. Here’s your reddit gold and Big Chungus award.

Steel: I guess you can also say that he vulgarized his commentary on that part.

I mean, no other cartoon looked or acted like this. It was something completely different. So how do I really describe what this show is like? Well, it stars a big dumb cat named Stimpy and an angry Mexican chihuahua named Ren.

Jjs: Pokémon was apparently too batshit insane for you, but yet this somehow wasn’t?

Steel: Perhaps Ren and Stimpy really are just a couple of Pokemon and the Critic hasn’t figured that out yet.

Fred: Y’know, as opposed to an American chihuahua.

JCM: We’re going to build a wall, and that ugly-looking dog from R&S will pay for it!

Ren: You sick little monkey!

Steel: Well said, Renegade the Unicorn.

NC (voiceover): And the rest, in all honesty, is pretty much like talking to a kid on the ultimate of all sugar highs.

Rusty: who is also possibly trapped in a basement

Parent: (offscreen) Hey, kid, what do you wanna see on TV?

Kid: I want to watch the Angry Video Game Nerd, which is certainly better than this Nostalgia Critic guy.

Kid!NC: (wearing his hat backwards and hanging his head; speaks in a kid voice) I don't know.

Jjs: This transcript writer really just referred to him as “Kid!NC” like we’re on tvtropes. Given how much Doug has influenced tvtropes though, I guess it’s only fitting. Plus, who am I to judge when that brave soldier has given us these so we don’t have to watch them, especially when it comes to “gags” like this. 

SOF: Is there really a difference between “Kid!NC” and normal Doug even today?

Peter Griffin: Holy crap, Lois! This reminds me of that one time the Nostalgia Critic did a skit about what it’s like to watch Ren & Stimpy.

Kid!JCM: When I grow up, I want to riff low-quality Nostalgia Critic transcripts!

Parent: (offscreen) Have some candy.

Rusty: Kid!NC gets his nourishment for the day.

(Candy is thrown at Kid!NC, who greedily eats it. There is a brief close-up of him widening his eyes with a "ding!" sound.)

Jjs: The CinemaSins DING? Clearly, this is subtle foreshadowing of Doug hinting to us he knew he’d become as stale and unfunny as them. 

CinemaSins: For using my ‘ding’ sound effect without my permission, I shall sentence you to internet critic hell. *DING*

OWM: cinema sins | Channel Awesome

BP: I’ll just say when I decided to actually give this the benefit of a watch, the YouTube video literally glitched when the candy is thrown. I think this is a sign of something.

Kid!NC: (excitedly, over footage of "Happy Happy Joy Joy") I wanna see a dog and cat dancing around like Jello! Then I wanna see 'em hit their butts together, 'cause butts are funny! 

JCM: hol up

Jjs: Ohh, don’t think I didn’t catch that, Doug. You can’t hide your fetishes from me!

Steel: I have my concerns about what kind of adult that Kid!NC will grow up to be.

Fred: I apologize to the ADD community on the behalf of Doug Walker.

BP: to be fair some butts can be pretty funny

Then I want them to tell my grandmother to suck eggs!

Jjs: Now here’s another intriguing part of Doug’s backstory that got casually thrown onto us: his grandma was voted most likely to suck eggs in high school. You all better not be forgetting that important lore drop right there, it’s gonna be on the riff quiz!

Steel: It must run in the family too. I could imagine Doug and Rob also being voted most likely to suck eggs in high school.

OWM: Honestly, I prefer this kid way more than Teen!NC. Be careful when you mention Sailor Moon around him.

Stinky Wizzletreats: I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!

Kid!NC: (excitedly) And then I want them to take a hammer and smash themselves on the head with it! (laughs hysterically, then immediately falls asleep)

Jjs: Douglas, were you having your insane fantasies where you pretend to be an online reviewer again?

Steel: I presume this is a consequence of bad parenting from whoever Kid!NC’s legal guardian is.

Rusty: i told you he was trapped in a basement

NC (voiceover): One of the biggest controversies about the show is about whether or not Ren and Stimpy are gay. 

Jjs: Another one of the biggest controversies is how the creator was a psychotic piece of shit, but I guess that was too dicey for Doug to delve into back in 2009, so let’s opt for the easy gay joke instead.

Steel: At this point, I’m feeling convinced that the Critic character hasn’t actually ever met a gay person before, which is why he’s been contriving “witty” jokes about them years ago without second thought. 

Fred: Apologies to the LGBT community as well.

To which the creator of the show John K. answered, "I don't know. That's none of my business." 

OWM: nah they gay

Jjs: Spoken like a true philosopher.

To be honest, I already talked about this show on one of my countdowns, so I'm not gonna go into too much detail. 

Jjs: To be honest, that’s really fucking lazy, mang. :bruh: If you didn’t have anything new to add to it, why even bother including it here in the first place? I assume “quality over quantity” was an elusive concept in 2009 too. (and still is to him in the current year) 

Steel: Well, at least you’ve tried to give us an in-depth review of this show compared to all the other Nicktoons, given my prior experience watching this.

Rusty: oh gee i wonder why he stopped there

Fred: For context, I looked up the review he was talking about. To sum it all up, he talked about the zany humor in the show. Also mentions that “wetting the bed” is a weird moral to talk about in a show targeted towards a younger audience.

But let's just say the show definitely knew how to capture the craziest side of our silliness.

Jjs: Welp, that’s it, everyone. That was our “review” of Ren & Stimpy, one of the (for better or worse) most influential Nicktoons to ever exist. Scant bread crumbs of the show, an off-tangent theory about the characters being gay, and a lazy “I already talked about it previously oops” to cap it off. Absolute masterful, Ebert is shaking in his grave. Once again, are we 100% absolutely sure we’re not riffing SOF’s Exciting Critic Corner again?

SOF: I sure hope not, jjs, but the more this review goes on, it’s becoming clear where a lot of SECC’s faults came from. 

Fred: The more I look at these reviews, the more I think The Irate Gamer was the perfect predecessor to this guy’s reviews. Ironically, and I’m just realizing this now, but The Nostalgia Critic premiered months after The Irate Gamer...I’m picking up on some scandal here.

JCM: I’m irate.

NC: So, let's move on to Nickelodeon's other biggest hit, Rugrats.

NC: Ren & Stimpy was a cool show huh anyways here’s Rugrats

Fred: wait wasn’t spongebob--

(Footage of Rugrats)

NC (voiceover): This was made at a more innocent time, when crawling babies were funny, 

Jjs: 3n6dl5.jpg

SOF: You say that now Doug, but you may change your mind when Channel Awesome wants a Baby Nostalgia Critic.

Steel: Even back then, they’re funnier than you are, Critic.

OWM: An innocent time? But this ran concurrently with Ren & Stimpy. Maybe Kid!NC isn’t that great of a source for info.

Fred: Wait a minute, I thought Muppet Babies came out earlier than 1991.

NC: damn cringe ass nae nae babies populating this earth in the meantime ughhhhhhh

men with purple hair was acceptable, 

Jjs: Hey, fuck you! James’ hair was and is still acceptable today! 

SOF: No need to hair shame, since baldness was acceptable back then too.

Steel: And yet talking, anthropomorphic big red cats and angry mexican chihuahuas is completely normal to you.

JCM: So, is Doug Walker officially the fashion police now?

and keyboard synthesizers seemed to rule the Earth.

Steel: I take it that you just figured out that the guy from DEVO composes the music.

Rusty: and they’ll fuckin do it again

The show was pretty much about... babies. And that's it. It was pretty much just about babies.

Jjs: It was? I know you already told us the first two times, but you may wanna repeat it again just so we’re all clear here, colonel.

Steel: And here I am riffing a show about some balding dude over-analyzing films and TV shows. And that’s it. This is pretty much just about some balding dude over-analyzing films and TV shows.

JCM: Are you sure it wasn’t really about how the perspective of the most uninitiated members of human society can change how we view even the sacrosanct elements of that society? No? Just a show about babies? Okay, then.

(Beat, then NC transforms himself into a superhero as adventurous music plays)

SOF: Silly Doug, you’re not supposed to reveal your superhero identity! 

Announcer: (with accompanying text) ADVENTURE HO!

Jjs: Am I stoned out of my mind right now? I have to be, because it’s the only way to explain something this batshit insane and out of nowhere. No, but seriously...what the actual fuck is this? Thank you for that out of nowhere gag? If this was supposed to be a reference to something, then it sure is flying over my plebeian head. You sure could say that was a...Big Lipped Alligator Moment. :funny: (kill me now) 

SOF: Also, TIMING! But um, what the actual hell? It’s pretty clear now where I got the inspiration for SECC’s weirder, forced gags.

Steel: As someone who actually knows what the joke is supposed to mean, I’ll point out that this is a sarcastic response towards the show’s basic premise. Since that’s the case, I just got to say...come on, Doug. Don’t go around and roast something for not being too adventurous for your taste when your show isn’t feeling all that adventurous right now. ““ADVENTURE HO!”” indeed.

Also, as a joke by itself, it isn’t even funny, but knowing Doug, I expect that he’s very much going to milk it a few more times.

Rusty: “BAD RUNNING GAG HOE” oh hey i found a new nickname for Doug

Fred: I’m running out of uncanny comparisons to The Irate Gamer and Family Guy here.

BP: Well, he certainly is a hoe. *laugh track*

NC (voiceover): So they dealt with tough, nail-biting dilemmas, like "Can't the dog come with us?", or "Do we need to take a bath?", or "You want me to do what on there?"

Steel: Well gee, what kinds of tough, nail-biting dilemmas would you have normally expected from a cast of characters that are literally babies?

Chuckie: They call it gettin' potty trained!

NC (voiceover): Actually, this episode is probably one of the most famous, as it talks about what all little kids love to talk about: shitting.

Jjs: I enjoy this symbolism here, indicating that Doug knows he’s shitting the bed with this “review.”

Fred: “Wherever they’re shitting at, I may never know!”

SOF: Who actually talks about Rugrats and goes “the episode about them shitting was an amazing classic standout”?

Steel: Oh, I get it, Doug is using this clip as potty-training is a metaphor for his lacking competence as a reviewer, and in pointing out the episode’s notoriety about discussing defecation, he’s establishing this as the fact that he’s also immature...yes... 

JCM: Considering all the shit coming out of Doug’s mouth, that’s clearly something not everybody grows out of.

Chuckie: They're tryin' to make me use that! Instead of my diaper.

Phil: Aw, that can't happen!

Lil: Yeah, how's it gonna fit in your pants?

NC: Aw, this is just too pwecious.

Jjs: uwu owo (I told you guys Doug was a secret furry!)

Tommy: Maybe you could just stop pooping altogether!

NC: And that's just gross.

Steel: Wow, so you mean to tell me...Rugrats had toilet humor, which is something its comedy has always been built on!? I don’t believe this!

SOF: JCM-er, Doug, that’s gross.

JCM: Somebody call?

Lil: Maybe you could put a lot of napkins in your pants and use 'em like a diaper.

NC: That's even grosser…

Steel: Perhaps if you didn’t choose to use clips like these, you wouldn’t be experiencing this sheer level of disgust.

Phil: Maybe you could poop in your room and hide it in your toy box.

NC: Okay, stop! Stop! Look, whatever you call it, poopy or poo-poo, whatever. It's still shit! You're talking about shit! Knock it off! You're grossing me out!

Jjs: 

SOF: Always about your problems, but never ours.

Steel: Dude...your show has had its fair share of tasteless toilet humor before and after you did this review. Now you’re telling me that a scene where animated babies from a children’s cartoon talking about peepee and poopoo grosses YOU out?

OWM: doug unfunnie on Twitter: "Bridge to Terabithia - Nostalgia Critic (2013)  Directed by Doug Walker… "

 Fred: The guy fangirling over Ren and Stimpy just moments ago complaining about toilet humor in another show. :Laugh: 

(Chuckie wets himself)

Chuckie: Uh-oh...

NC: Oh... that's charming.

JCM: see its funny because hes being sarcastic and doesnt actually think its charming very highbrow humour here

Chuckie: They can't make me! I'm gonna wear my diapers forever, and nobody's gonna stop me!

NC: Don't worry, kid. When you get to be 80, you gotta wear 'em again, anyway.

Jjs: This joke might come back to bite him in the ass (pun intended), since Doug will probably sadly keep this show going in his 80s.

Old!NC: Hello, I’m The Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don’t...umm...oh fiddlesticks, I forgot my line.

NC (voiceover): Speaking of growing up, I always wondered what these kids would look like when they eventually got older.

Jjs: Well…

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/All_Grown_Up!

Although depending who you ask, perhaps the less said about that, the better.

Steel: Okay, so how does this factor in your feelings towards the show?

Rusty: they never aged for a while then they suddenly became teenagers then they went back to becoming babies because capitalism

I think everybody imagined that. 

Jjs: Define “everybody.”

JCM: According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the definition of “everybody” is “Doug Walker and the people Doug Walker actually cares to acknowledge”.

SOF: One look at the internet can make it pretty clear they did more than just “imagine it.”

Like Chuckie would grow up to be Garth, 

Jjs: Before people ask, he’s referring to Garth from Wayne’s World. I guess I can see that one, yeah.

Wayne: Not!

Rusty: I did not know Garth had red hair.

Fred: I know this review came out years before, but I think we all knew who Chuckie was going to grow up to be.

 sOZQ4qnYBAE7pPy9UKTDdJPe5jucKDUSPsfJQhkI

(Thank you, Clappy, for this accurate comparison.)

Tommy would grow up to be Paul Giamatti, 

Jjs: ...Not really seeing this one, but alright??

Steel: Then there’s this guy, Doug Walker, who I’ve always assumed would grow up to be the Nostalgia Critic...hey, wait a minute.

Rusty: get it cause they’re both bald and fat

the twins would grow up to be John and Joan Cusack-- because they already look alike--

Jjs: Okay sure, but can we get to a point or nah.

Steel: Just wait until he gets to the part where he muses that Spike would grow up to be Air Bud and maybe then he’ll get on to the actual review.

Rusty: At least one of them would have a one-season stint on Saturday Night Live.

SOF: Is this supposed to be fancasting for his own live-action All Grown Up?

and the always power-hungry Angelica... well, for some reason, I always saw her as Hillary Clinton. I can't help it; it's just a person that popped in my head. 

JCM: Well, that’s it for me. Goodbye, everybody! Hope you enjoy the rest of this riff!

Jjs: It seems like no matter where we go or what year we’re in, we can never escape Hillary. Now that we got Doug’s weird aged up Rugrats fanfiction out of the way, can we get back to the actual “review”?

Steel: So...does that mean Dil would grow up to be Donald Trump? Great, now I’m getting sucked into the Critic’s unnecessary rambling.

OWM: I’ve heard the Nostalgia Critic eventually grew up to be a professional filmmaker named “Donnie DuPre”. Wonder where he is now.

SOF: Hillary Clinton was an interesting choice even then to “randomly pop in your head.” Okay fanfiction though, 5/10, wouldn’t read again.

Rusty: Angelica is obviously Nancy Pelosi, get your fucking facts straight, Walker.

Fred: “All you dumb babies should all Pokemon GO TO THE POLLS.”

Actually, something I always noticed about these cartoons is they always open in a strange way. 

SOF: It’s called a theme song.

That is, they usually do an extreme close-up of something, and then eventually back up to show us what it is. That's all fine and good, but what happens when the image almost looks PERVERTED like this one?

Jjs: Going straight from Hillary Clinton to trying to find hidden innuendos in a cartoon is a hell of a transition, Mark. 

(Close-up of a weird-looking pink object. NC looks disgusted as it gets closer.)

Jjs: Giant piles of bubblegum again!?

Steel: On top of being pink, it must be something big and scary like Patrick’s belly button.

NC: Is it... two pigs humping? Is it the inside of a woman's... WHAT IS THAT?!

Jjs: I’m putting all my doubloons on two pigs humping, personally.

OWM: It’s the inside of Hillary Clinton’s, actually.

Rusty: oh those are my nasal polyps how’d they get a camera in there without me knowing

SOF: I don’t know, why don’t you make this a question on Pop Quiz Hotshot 2?

BP: my man you really gotta stop sending me these inflation videos, like i guess i see the appeal in some sense but seriously i have people around me

(Camera pulls out to show Spike's mouth and tongue as he is panting)

NC (voiceover): Oh, it's the inside of a dog's mouth panting. Duh. 

Jjs: Darn, now I’m broke. ADVENTURE HO!

Though the other kids are cute, I guess, 

Jjs: I think they would’ve preferred if you bluntly said they’re ugly shits instead of this passive-aggressiveness.

Steel: That’s an unusual way to describe a bunch of characters that are considered...you know, lumpy-headed.

the one kid that everyone seems to remember is Angelica, for being such a bratty little bitch.

Angelica: You little babies really make me laugh!/Can I dial the phone? Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh?/Don't you dummies know anything?

NC: Yeah, everyone remembers how harsh she was, but here's the thing. She's so mean that she's actually kind of creepy. Don't believe me? Look what happens when I put her face over these disasters.

Steel: You don’t have to, but you do you, I guess.

SOF: I WANT YOU ALL TO LOOK AT IT!

(Montage of disaster scenes, with a translucent super-impose of Angelica laughing maniacally. All of this is accompanied by the theme to "Red Dragon".)

Jjs: I don’t remember what specific disasters he referenced here, and I’m not sure if I want to lest I have to dish out a ton of more apologies.

Steel: I could imagine Angelica’s laughing being plastered over the Channel Awesome fallout any day.

Rusty: The disasters were: A nuke being dropped, a Tornado warning being filmed on home video, and a tsunami going over NYC. how thoughtful

NC (voiceover): But not even Angela,

Jjs: *Angelica. Come on Doug, don’t be going senile on us this early!

Steel: Angela Anaconda? I don’t remember her on Rugrats, but okay.

in all her negativity, can prepare you for the scariest, ugliest, most horrifying creation that Nickelodeon studios has ever produced.

JCM: Okay, I’m back because I actually want to know what this is.

Jjs: That’s no way to talk about The Loud House!

SOF: That’s not a nice way to describe Breadwinners either.

Steel: I suppose this is leading up to Planet Sheen, but then again, this is the Nostalgia Critic we’re looking at.

(Fade to black, then footage of the show Doug plays)

JCM: Oh, come on!

Jjs: We’re moving onto the next show and here I am in my comfy chair, still waiting for our Doug to actually make a point about Rugrats.

SOF: I’m confused, did he like or hate Rugrats? It feels like if you blinked, you missed nothing of substance here.

Steel: So we get a somewhat in-depth analysis on Ren & Stimpy while Rugrats gets a bunch of cheap jokes, no specific opinion on whether it was a good or bad cartoon, and a change to a different subject? Don’t tease us like this, Doug.

NC (voiceover): (demonically) DOUG! 

Jjs: Another important piece of lore we’ve learned is that Doug can change his voice to a demonic sounding version at will.

Steel: So...you?

Fred: Ear rape warning but:

(normal) Now perhaps some of you are wondering why I think so harshly of what appears to be a relatively harmless cartoon.

Jjs: Aww, how considerate of him to think what we’re thinking for us! ?

SOF: Perhaps some of you are also wondering what my thoughts on Rugrats actually were, but let’s skip right to the guy who has my name for easy jokes.

JCM: I’m not, but thank you for thinking of the little guy. Warms my heart.

Well, let's just say you knew someone with a very similar name. 

Jjs: Now, I don’t know about y’all, but bringing Dougie Williams into this is a bit too far for my liking.

Steel: Let’s not bring the dog from Up into this either.

JCM: g4y in shambles

Fred: Doug Ford? Well, maybe. I mean, this one time in Canada...

Someone who grew up with that name all his life. And happened to be raised at the exact same time this show came out. (begins to lean in close to the camera) 

Jjs: Whoa, back up jack! I don’t wanna see your nasty ass breath on the screen.

Do you think any jokes or funny remarks in connection with this show could possibly affect his life in any negative way? Do you? DO YOU?!

JCM: I...I don’t know...I...I’m sorry

Jjs: Do you understand life?! Or how to review?

NC: You feel lucky, Doug? DO YA?!

(He hears sounds of kids laughing at him as he leans back and begins clutching his face in fear.)

Steel: Those disembodied voices of childhood past seemed to be a lot more woke than we were for quite some time.

Kids: Look! It's Doug Funnie! Hey, Doug Funnie! Where's Patti Mayonnaise? (Footage of the show plays.) Hey, Doug Funnie! On your way to school? 

Steel: How dare you, school kid! Who are YOU to tell him that he’s on HIS way to school?

JCM: I didn’t expect this to be where we got Doug Walker’s villain backstory.

Fred: Well, it could be worse. He could’ve been known as “Doug Pinkfloydhater."

(sing-songy) You're Doug Funnie! (NC begins to break down) 

Jjs: It’s still only 2009 Doug, you haven’t even made Kickassia yet to be having a mental breakdown of this caliber.

You're Doug Funnie! You're Doug Funnie! You're Doug-- (NC suddenly snaps out of it.)

SOF: He’s Doug, you’re Doug, I’M Doug! Are there any other Dougs I should know about!?

NC: Whoa. Sorry, just having one of my random psychotic episodes brought on by this very show. 

Jjs: I like how he at least had the modesty to apologize for this fluff padding.

Steel: It’s all good, Doug Funnie.

Rusty: I feel like I should kick Doug’s ass for that one, considering my past.

Luckily I didn't take anyone's life this time. 

Jjs: THIS TIME!? Now for once I’m hooked to Doug’s backstory, I gotta know more here!

But with that said--

(He lifts his hands, which are covered in blood and sheepishly hides them)

Jjs: It looks like we can now add murderer to Doug’s roleplaying list, along with reviewer and furry. Not gonna lie, he’d be genuinely a lot more interesting as a murderer than a reviewer. I’d say I smell a new show, but then I’d worry Channel Awesome will actually make that a thing because Doug is all they have. Please don’t actually make that a thing, by the way!

Steel: I guess it won’t be long before he inadvertently reveals himself to be the Zodiac Killer.

OWM: It’s a good thing he cleared up the misunderstanding. Who knows what would’ve happened otherwise? Zipper accident? Ketchup spill? He’d continue to surprise us.

Rusty: bro, wash your hands after getting your red wings that is disgusting

BP: It would really be cool if cum was white instead.

JCM: I thought that was Cheeto dust.

SOF: This would make a better premise for a Channel Awesome movie than any of the ones we did get.

NC (voiceover): But with that said, this was a pretty lame show.

Jjs: Wait a minute, you can’t just drop a big dark piece of lore like that on us and leave us hanging! The one time I was actually invested in Doug’s backstory, and it’s being ripped away from me, snap, just like that! That’s the last time I ever invest myself in any of his lore!

I mean the show was pretty much just about a kid who went to high school. And that's it, it was pretty much just about a kid who went to high school.

Jjs: No Doug, Doug (lol) went to elementary school during the Nickelodeon run. Looks like we’re back to not bothering with research when I can trust my clever gut instinct instead.

Fred: To be fair, jjs, he probably meant to say “got high at school".

SOF: I feel like I’m in a later Fairly OddParents episode with all of these repeated gags.

("Adventure Ho" scene plays)

Announcer: Adventure... Ho?

Jjs: Because this gag was such a mind blowing, nut buster, gut splitter the first time around, let’s repeat it again to see if we find it a little less unfunny than the first time around. 

SOF: Heh, talk about timing. Sure, keep repeating your gag and maybe someone won’t find it annoying. That seems to have worked for Doug’s career, at least.

Steel: That recurring gag is so bad, it’s started questioning its own existence and wants to escape from Doug’s recycle bin of forced jokes as quickly as possible.

Rusty: hey running gag hoe came back again, that was fast

JCM: How many hoes we got in this house?

Fred: Adventure Ho, with Skinn and Jake-off.

NC (voiceover): Doug--or Doug Funnie, if you want to know his full name--

Jjs: Well yeah, when giving people information about what you’re reviewing, I’d say it’s good etiquette to give a character’s full name, but what the hell do I know. ADVENTURE HO!

Steel: --OR Douglas Yancey Funnie if you really want to give us the fullest disclosure possible. 

OWM: Douglas DARIEN Walker should’ve stuck to using full names full time.

has some very odd friends, like Mosquito Valentine, Bud Dink, his dog Porkchop, and Patti Mayonnaise. What is up with these names? What, you didn't have room for Johnny Pictureframe, Larry Toiletpaper, or Susie Contraceptive? Urgh.

Jjs: ...Seriously, I used to find this guy funny?

SOF: I’m surprised he hasn’t made them actual characters for his skits by now.

Steel: Stop naming things for me to issue an apology to. We’ve all done enough of those during your Pokemon: The First Movie review.

Rusty: Tim Couch, Fiona Apple, Terry Crews, Alex Cord oh wait those are real people

JCM: Susie Contraceptive was Rush Limbaugh’s least favorite character. RIP in peace.

BP: pL-_tEWQ7uxMl8lc54zuDYsOP_iwoOTkkwz_7_Mk

I’m putting up the image of Susie from the video for you to make your best Neutral Milk Hotel reference.

He spends most of his time going after Patti Mayonaise, because, well, she looks pretty. And apparently that's all he needs.

Brock: She’s really small, but really pretty.

Steel: So it’s not because she has the personality of a jar of mayonnaise?

Doug: Patti Mayonaisse!

Steel: Man, the transcript writer certainly doesn’t enjoy trying to properly spell ‘Mayonnaise’ every time.

Fred:  jL-HGWt-9N4PqbcaHiv3ypFveTRiYpKI9zMqopbX

NC: She's just as bland as I am! 

Jjs: Hey, we’re doing the riffing here!

SOF: With the last name Funnie, surely this Doug must have a bit more personality than our Doug.

JCM: You’re way too modest, Doug. Nobody’s as bland as you are.

Steel: As someone who saw this episode and has the experience to validate this, the quote above is NC is acting out as Doug Funnie in a mocking way as a response towards the clip he had used, but of course, since this is a transcript and the person who wrote this forgot to acknowledge what the joke is supposed to mean, I may as well join in to say congrats to the Critic for self-admitting how bland he is, I guess.

Also, what is up with everybody's skin color in this show? Did the town get infected with radioactive poisoning?

Jjs: Racist. I want #DougWalkerIsOverParty trending pronto!

Steel: Apologies to all cartoon characters with exotic skin colors everywhere.

OWM: I didn’t know Doug held such violent, extreme hatred against “people of color.”

JCM: Thought we were way past complaining about colored people, yet here Doug Walker is with that good ol’ boy nonsense.

SOF: Of all things you could have issue with in Doug, you choose to examine the character’s skin colors?

Skeeter: Yo, man, let me take care of this.

Steel: Be our guest. The Riffing Theater could use someone like you.

NC: (as old man) I never liked them blue people.

Jjs:  N5M3xbio7yFBWTiHbc5h1cHhapWK3L4AWfLD7uIC

OWM: Well, he was never that popular with the “yellow” people, either.

 Let's Play Bart's Nightmare | Channel Awesome | Fandom

Fred: Shame on you, Doug! Don’t you know that all lives matter? #TheyReallyDont

NC (voiceover): On top of that, the music always sounds like it's literally farting out its soundtrack. Just listen.

Jjs: For someone who doesn't like toilet humor, he sure loves bringing it up, even when it's not happening. In fairness, it's in line with modern Nickelodeon. I see you Doug with the symbolism!

SOF: Sorry man, can’t listen because I have the luxury of reading you instead of hearing you.

JCM: Once again, thank God I’m not actually watching this.

(A clip is shown with the soundtrack beatboxing)

NC: We're gonna need a faster tempo. HOWARD! More pork and beans!

Steel: Sorry, he couldn’t hear you over the sounds of the pork and beans already coming out of his digestive system.

OWM: doug unfunnie on Twitter: "Bridge to Terabithia - Nostalgia Critic (2013)  Directed by Doug Walker… "

 Rusty: i like that song shut up

There's also this bully named Roger who constantly tries to make Doug's life a living hell. Why?

Jjs: Maybe he saw your reviews and went on a vengeance crusade against all people named Doug.

JCM: Maybe he wanted to give Doug a reason to become a mediocre internet reviewer later in life. Maybe that Doug is our Doug! Where are the tinfoil hats? Q, I need you here pronto!

Fred: Because American Dad wasn’t giving him another paycheck so he had to move to another show.

Because all kids with leather jackets are just bullies now. Didn't you know that? It's like an official law! He also travels around with his pet cat named Stinky who probably lives up to his namesake. Ugh, this show is so unrealistic!

SOF: The shows about talking babies and talking animals weren’t unrealistic?

Fred: Imagine if he covered later cartoons in this review, where he calls CatDog and The Angry Beavers completely normal and calls As Told by Ginger a truly unrelatable show.

I mean, what kind of boy would travel around with a cat, wear leather, cover his hair in gel, obsess over his looks and constantly go after a submissive boy roughly his age--? OH!

Jjs: I...don’t think I’d use the word “submissive” here. We don’t need to know all of your fetishes, mang.

(A quick shot of Lucas from The Wizard)

Steel: At least Roger Klotz wasn’t played by someone who would eventually become a registered sex offender. Oops.

Fred: Lucas from “The Wizard of Oz”?

NC (voiceover): I think the best way to describe this show is that it's kind of like an early episode of The Simpsons. They're not funny, not well animated, and surround in a world of awkward uncomfortable-ness. 

Jjs: If Al Jean didn’t kill the show, then this shot certainly did.

OWM: Doug once again continues his vendetta against “people of color.”

But whereas The Simpsons got funny, 

Jjs: Have no fears, we’ve got stories for years!

OWM: Maybe Moe gets a cell phone?

SOF: Doug becomes a robot!

Fred: Oh hey, I actually got a laugh out of that line.

Doug just psychologically tortured me for life.

Steel: I didn’t know you could torture yourself, Doug Funnie.

OWM: Years of writing and producing “The Nostalgia Critic” will do that to you.

JCM: Well, I’m glad Doug isn’t tainting this review with personal biases or anything of that sort.

Fred: “Doug just psychologically tortured me for life” has a more poignant meaning after 2018.

I mean, psychologically tortured anyone named Doug for life. (nervously laughs, then stops) NEXT SHOW!

Jjs: How the hell did that even count as a “review” in any dimension? I question why he bothered including it to begin with if he was just going to make this cheap joke out of it. PADDING PADDING PADDING!

Steel: So...that’s it, then, a long winded rant about how you hate a certain cartoon simply because a character shares the same name as you and prompted in-real life torment, while also acknowledging that the characters have weird names, skin colors, that the show is comparable to Simpsons in a sense, and the soundtrack sounds like farts? Well, if that’s what you call a review, then I don’t know what is. Hopefully, you won’t do Rocko dirty next.

SOF: I’m glad Doug has at least confessed to his murder crimes, if we take nothing else away from this.

(Footage from Rocko's Modern Life)

Steel: Oh, I’ve spoken too soon.

JCM: Tell him to do CatDog next. I feel like reliving CatDog.

NC (voiceover): Ah, Rocko's Modern Life. This show was kind of like Ren & Stimpy, except maybe a little more reserved and not quite as controversial. But it did capture a lot of the zaniness, as the show's main character was a tiny kangaroo with an Australian accent, 

Jjs: He’s a wallaby, not a kangaroo. Once again, your incompetence at the tiniest bits of research is truly astounding.

Steel: Man, where is Douchey McNitpick when we need him? Oh yeah, he’s in the Plothole from the To Boldly Flee anniversary film...nevermind that I asked, then.

BP: Man, I am such a huge Beatles nerd. I own every LP of theirs and listen to them every day. They really are both bigger and better than Jesus!

who, for some reason, has a gigantic hole in his face. (An arrow points to Rocko's nose to prove NC's point)

Jjs: Watch the point!

Steel: And this factors in towards your feelings of the show how…?

OWM: This eventually became the infamous “plot hole” that ravaged the Channel Awesome-verse and led to the death of the Nostalgia Critic once and for all. I think.

Rusty: god bless you rocko but we need you to kill doug walk-take down channel awesome’s youtube channel

Must've been the battle of the boomerangs, koala bears, and wallabies. You know, the great war of the Australian stereotypes. (beat, then speaks dramatically as photoshopped stills of the following is shown) WHEN THE DINGOS FLEW HIGH INTO THE NIGHT, ATTACKING THE ARMIES OF SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE! But the ancient league of Foster's bombed all the alligator hunters, leaving nothing but the kangaroos and eucalyptus leaves to brave the darkness! Or so I've heard.

Jjs: Crikey mate, apologies to Australians everywhere.

Steel: So anyways, when are you going to get to the part where you review this show? Will it take as long as the so-called great war of the Australian stereotypes?

OWM: This counts as a terrorist attack on Australia.

JCM: If Australia bombs us because of this NC joke I wouldn’t be mad at all.

Fred: No tasteless Steve Irwin jokes? I’m disappointed in you not disappointing me.

Rusty: you guys have never been to an outback steakhouse

NC (voiceover): Rocko also has a cast of interesting characters, most notably a cow named Heffer, who was kind of like an inbred version of the starfish from SpongeBob

Rusty: wha

Jjs: I’m presuming Google didn’t exist in 2009 either. Even if this is a “joke”, why be this vague on Patrick of all characters to begin with? Is he that insignificant to you!?

Fred: But jjsthekid, SpongeBob started in 1999 and he never stopped hearing about it in college! Of course he hates it!

George Wolfe: “He’s not a cow, he’s a steer!”

OWM: Rocko isn’t a kangaroo and Heffer isn’t a cow. Just like how Squidward isn’t a squid. Wow, these shows have more in common than I thought.

SOF: In a parallel universe: “SpongeBob also has a cast of interesting characters, most notably a starfish named Patrick, who was kind of like a non-inbred version of the cow from Rocko.”

JCM: I’ve put up with a lot from this wannabe-Siskel, but minimizing Patrick Star is taking this way too far!

Filburt Turtle, who looks like Woody Allen and is just as slimy; and, of course, the Bigheads, who I swear are just the Grinch's testicles if they sprouted legs and started complaining about everything.

Jjs: I’m glad to know Doug thinks about the Grinch’s testicles, but I’m not sure if we the people need that image in our minds. Permission to use the brain bleach again?

Steel: If you think those mental images sound bad, you should see one of the Critic’s later reviews where he gives live-action/CG Garfield a whole bunch of colorful mocking names.

OWM: You’ve made me consider googling “do grinches have sperm” one times too many, Doug.

JCM: One time is one time too many when it comes to Grinch balls.

Fred: I never thought Doug would be so much into Dr. Seuss lore. Too bad it doesn’t stop his review from being a bore.

Bev: (gravelly voice) Oh, Ed, this mountain cabin sounds so romantic!

NC: (as Bev) You know, I used to be a man, but I thought my voice was too feminine, so I changed.

Jjs: I’d get on his ass for another badly aged, offensive “joke”, but instead I’m going to be nice and actually give Doug credit for subtly predicting Rachel 10 years in advance. What a true woke king. 

JCM: I give Doug credit for nothing. That was an awful joke even for 2009.

Rusty: yo i don’t see how ed bighead turned out to be so bigoted in the movie because i’m going with my headcanon that bev is trans and that ed used to be an asshole and is slowly starting to grow up

BP: Umm… okay for context, this was the part of the Nickcoms video that I mentioned above got to me.

HAqc1mxuEu-G7D5Y0N_93UUt9HIADP2ph-13ss9n 

I was going to assume Doug thinks at least a bit differently now, because a bit of TV Tropes checking did tell me that he did have a genuinely deserved (as weird as it may be to say that) freakout over how the Patch Adams film misgendered a central character to the plot and how the film portrayed this real life person. Then I remembered the “Dethroning Moment of Suck” page existed and saw that in the Blade review he makes a really awkward joke about gender identities (not sure if it involves spoilers to that film or not) so uh, who knows. 

if i’m not clear enough, uh…. FUCK transphobia

NC (voiceover): Rocko himself is a pretty normal and innocent character, but the adventures he embarks on certainly are not.

Jjs: So basically like almost every other cartoon in history. 

NC: so this show was pretty much about a wallaby- i mean a tiny kangaroo living in the suburbs and that’s pretty much it it’s about a tiny kangaroo living in the suburbs adventure ho etc.

SOF: Still more normal and realistic than Doug, I assume.

For example, there's one episode where Filburt is looking to practice dentistry on his friend. So he takes him to the Academy of Dentists, where he performs in front of a STADIUM of people. But that's not the weird part. 

Jjs: I agree, the weird part is how Doug starts off talking about Rocko himself and then jumps right to a Filburt centric episode.

Steel: You’re right. An anthropomorphic turtle trying to be a dentist? What will the world think of next?

He is then taught by a teacher who is a cat with a hook for a hand. But that's not the strange part. 

Jjs: I agree, the strange part is the lack of description. What’s her name? What kind of cat? A fat orange one? Which hook is the hand on? These are details we the people deserve to know! For a man who thought Pokemon’s basic premise was quantum physics levels of complicated, he sure is being vague here.

OWM: A more important question: does she use the hook in her dentistry? I guess it’s a good way to… scrape.

One of Rocko's teeth breaks loose, grows seven stories high, starts attacking the city by crawling up buildings while Filburt dresses up like the tooth fairy to stop him. 

Jjs: Just another Tuesday.

Steel: The security system TAKES CONTROL OF SQUIDWARD’S HOUSE, and begins ATTACKING THE CITY- oh wait, wrong cartoon.

SOF: Still not as unrealistic as Doug.

But THAT'S not the strange part. 

JCM: The strange part is that I’m still reading this.

Jjs: I’m also stalling this review. But THAT’s not the strange part either.

NC: Got the results of the test back, I definitely have breast cancer. But THAT’s not the strange part either.

SOF: I got hypnotized by Woahwoah into badly reviewing SBC fanfictions. But THAT’s not the strange part either.

No, the strange part is this!

Jjs: Dude, put that thing away, there are like, children, here!

Gordon: (a foot apparently attached to a leg held up from the bottom of the screen, with a face, who talks) Hey, kids, my name is Gordon.

Gordon Ramsay: This review is so raw, it was written by the Nostalgia Critic!

SOF: Nah, still not as unrealistic as Doug.

BP: [insert reference to dan schneider here]

Let's talk about good oral hygiene.

(NC starts screaming in fear throughout Gordon's speech)

Steel: So let’s go over the list of things that we now know about the Nostalgia Critic character: he’s a furry, he’s a serial killer...and he’s also afraid of talking feet. I think that’s right so far.

Rusty: at least he is not the consumer of every third fucking picture on deviantart

SOF: I’m really grateful I don’t have to hear Doug’s goat screeching right now.

Fred: “Oral hygiene”?! Oh, the horror!

NC (voiceover): So for as... fucking weird as many of these jokes get, sometimes they hit a little too close in familiarity. Like tell me this bit sounds familiar at all.

Filburt: I never wanted to be a dentist, anyway. I always wanted... to be a chimney sweep!

Man (Michael Palin from Monty Python's Flying Circus) : I didn't want to be a barber, anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack!

Steel: Well, one is a dentist that wants to be a chimney sweep while one is a barber that wants to be a lumberjack. Yep, I totally can’t see the difference here.

OWM: And I wanted to be a movie critic!

Filburt: Leaping from roof to roof of the O-Town high rises.

Man (from Monty Python's Flying Circus) : Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.

Filburt: And I'd sing, sing, sing.

Man (from Monty Python's Flying Circus) : We'd sing, sing, sing!

NC: I mean, there's paying homage, and there's just plain ripping off. 

Jjs: Those...seemed like innocent little coincidences? Or if they weren’t, there's a magical little thing called a reference. It’s not like any kids around this time would’ve been digging and analyzing for Monty Python references. This seriously seems like the same nonsensical time waster criticism I’d see on SOF’s Exciting Critic Corner...again, are we SURE we’re not back on that? 

SOF: This absolutely feels like the same type of pointless comparison Critic SOF would spew. I learned from the “best.”

Steel: Says the Critic who’s made his fair share of shameless Monty Python references.

JCM: So he uses one joke in one random episode to boost his argument that Rocko bad. Great work so far, Doug!

Fred: Whatever they sing can’t sound as bad as a Pink Floyd parody. :Laugh: 

And I mean it. These rip-offs of great comedians have to stop!

Jjs: Agreed, this rip-off of AVGN certainly needs to stop too.

(A clip of Duck Amuck butts in on the picture as NC and Daffy speak simultaneously) All right, enough is enough. This is the final--this is the very, very last straw! (NC notices Daffy and punches the clip away)

Jjs: Christ, he’s even stealing AVGN and Bugs Bunny’s dynamic!

Steel: Forget AVGN and Bugs, we need to have Daffy sue Doug for royalties, since he’s been the main inspiration for the Critic character after all.

But with all seriousness though, if you’re going to do hypocritical humor, Doug, you could be more clear about what you would define as a homage and a rip-off.

OWM: One to speak.

 F7HKXRdQQqqG2FVdVoATZ-MgbwSWG97aQ2i_SfN5

Rusty: Hey you know how to program a vcr yuk yuk yuk

(Footage of Aaahh!!! Real Monsters)

Jjs: Wait, we’re done Rocko already? Somehow, that managed to feel like even less of a review than Doug’s. We need to be going up, not down!

NC: wow, Rocko sure was a weird show huh anyways here’s Real Monsters

SOF: We’re moving onto Real Monsters and I still don’t know what his thoughts on Rugrats or Rocko were supposed to be.

Fred: “This reference somehow ruins the gameplay--I mean, show for me!” Can’t...resist...Irate Gamer...COMPARISONS!

BP: Wait, why is he looking at a show whose title perfectly describes the management team of his? (s-someone had to say this at some point i’m sorry)

NC (voiceover): Well, at least we get some originality from the next show that popped up: Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.

Steel: Implying that taking cues from Daffy Duck makes you more original than Rocko doing a simple nod to Monty Python.

Fred: Oh hey, it’s the first Nicktoon in this video that’s actually bad! (Don’t ping me for this, y’all don’t know where I live.)

Now, I have to admit, I was just starting to get out of the Nickelodeon phase when this show came out. So I didn't watch much of it. 

Jjs: That’s okay, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference with how little you’ve reviewed the other Nicktoons.

Steel: Well, if you weren’t even that knowledgeable about Nicktoons to begin with, then why do the review without taking the time to familiarize yourself more with the shows that you’ve seen little of? Typical Doug Funnie.

OWM: Aaahh!!! A real review! Well, I wish I was reading one right now.

JCM: I’m sure the fact that he didn’t watch much of it won’t stop him from finding something to cherry pick a “review” out of.

But when I did, it was a pretty cool show. All the monsters looked creative and had really funny and enjoyable personalities. 

Jjs: This is probably the most reviewing we’ve had in this entire review.

Steel: No, no, no, Doug, you’re supposed to start your review of this cartoon by saying that it’s pretty much about monsters and nothing else, then cue the unfunny “Adventure Ho!” recurring joke, and go another stupid tangent about something none of us care to hear about. Don’t think you’re sly by making me think that your brother Rob wrote in this part because he’s just as fed up with how you’re analyzing all these Nicktoon shows as much as we are.

Fred: Aw fuck, I can’t resist but The Nostalgia Critic sure is sounding like The Irate Gamer with these incredibly vague statements. Keep in mind, this guy (not Doug) thinks the Transformers movies were good because it looked cool.

The story was about an academy of monsters whose job was to go out into the world, scare the daylights out of people, and return back where they reported their progress. Gee, wouldn't it be horrible if some other successful study pawned that off as their idea?

(Brief shot of the poster for Monsters, Inc.)

NC (voiceover): A-bullshit! 

SOF: Not A bullshit, THE bullshit.

Fred: inb4 nick makes a Real Monsters University show

So, in the line-up you had Ickis, who kinda looked like (picture of Noid) The Noid from the Dominos commercials; Krumm, who looked like how most people look after laser-eye surgery--Just keepin' it real, people! (adjusts his glasses to illustrate his point) 

Jjs:  vtePpazIr-AuVXUQHpNDwv_u9A0u03Hma4VtJdy8

 -gyEj_uNdmYuq7Hl8Y33OpURZqSuoCM4MVUrvvFc

The resemblance is truly uncanny. (adjusts my own glasses so I’m on an equal level of respect with my opponent)

And Oblina, who kind of looks like Beetlejuice's dildo... if he had one. 

Jjs: Doug’s spent more time elaborating his fetish fantasies than actually reviewing.

Chad Warden: I ain’t tryin’ to watch my cartoons with no. Dil. Do. 

JCM: The man’s more interested in Grinch’s testicles and Beetlejuice’s sex toys than in actually researching any of this.

Beetlejuice: And this is what my dildo would look like, IF I HAD ONE!

Fred: Seriously, what’s with Doug and his obsession over fictitious characters and their private parts?

I guess she's supposed to have some sort of accent, but God help me if I can tell you which one.

Jjs: I *raspberry* can’t *raspberry* understand *raspberry* your *raspberry* accent!

SOF: I guess a point is supposedly being made here, but God help me if I can tell you what it is.

Steel: As someone who finds something familiar about Oblina’s voice, I think it would help if I told you it’s the same accent as Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory...or according to a Wikipedia search, it’s an impression of British actress Agnes Moorehead. Say, you know what I did there, Doug? It’s called research. You should try it some time.

Oblina (with an unidentifiable accent): We've got to do something. If humans are not afraid of him, they could lose their fear of ALL monsters.

NC: It's like somebody said, "This character has an accent." "Oh, okay. Which kind?" "Just... an accent!"

Jjs: Those silly foreigners are such a bizarre, alien concept.

Steel: Is this guy really going to go on such a tangent over a cartoon character’s accent?

Rusty: it’s called a british accent look it up

NC (voiceover): They all have to work for their intimidating boss known as The Gromble, who, I swear, 

SOF: Not so fast mister, your parents are still around!

is the cartoon version of Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Fred: I was gonna make a “no shit, Sherlock” joke considering Tim Curry was in that show, except I didn’t know he voiced a totally different character. Still, the irony.

(A picture of Dr. Frank N. Furter is put next to The Gromble for comparison, then a clip of The Grumble is overdubbed with "Sweet Transvestite")

Jjs: This cutaway has been brought to you by our sponsor: Raid Shadow Legends!

NC (voiceover): The show was good, but I always had a feeling some of these jokes had a double meaning.

Jjs: You already tried to analyze Rugrats for an innuendo that ended up being non-existent, so sure, try again and maybe it’ll work better this time.

Rusty: you know you could’ve done that with rocko but ok

JCM: you also could have done that with rugrats and with ren and stimpy but instead you were like “haha funny gross toilet jokes”

Fred: Like a lot of other shows around the time (not just Nicktoons either!) had double meaning jokes?

Like listen to some of these lines and tell me if they sound decent to you.

Gromble: Have you forgotten why you're here?

Krumm: Our mothers and fathers loved each other very much, so they--

Gromble: TO SCARE!

Steel: Ah yes, the classic birds and the bees joke. It would’ve taken me a while too to realize how VERY SUGGESTIVE that joke was.

NC: They what? They what?!

Jjs: Relax, with a name like Krumm they clearly adopted him.

Barney rip-off: If you see a monster, just say "Coochie-coochie-coo!"

Jjs: I like how the transcript writer is so checked out by this point they could only refer to the character as “Barney rip-off.”

JCM: Might as well just call him Reptar.

Fred: Real Monsters had a Barney Stinson ripoff?

NC: All right, no one's going "coochie-coo" around my monster.

Jjs: Well if there’s a moral I’m walking away from this review, it’s gotta be that Doug should never say “coochie” in any context ever again.

Steel: I don’t even want to have the mental image of Doug “coochie-cooing” his “monster.”

OWM: Here’s something Doug can say in any context he wants:

Z1htPA0pmAUlii1L3xsW-2nIcy3G_J2DYlN9p8Gh 

Rusty: least he isn’t horny over dababy

BP: And just like that, Doug never got coochie ever again.

Ickis: Aren't you supposed to use two fingers?

Rusty: no it’s three do you know what a shocker gesture is, good lord everyone knew that in my school by 11th grade

NC: (disgusted) ...Next cartoon.

Fred: Methinks that Doug is a do-good pussy who gets scared off by double meaning jokes despite making a quip about Beetlejuice having a dildo...Next cartoon.

(Footage of Hey Arnold!)

SOF: Where was the review? I still don’t know his thoughts on Rugrats and Rocko, and somehow, this “review” managed to even be vaguer than those two. It's kind of fascinating.

NC: so Real Monsters had some very dirty jokes huh anyways here’s Hey Arnold

NC (voiceover): All right, this is the last show I'm gonna talk about, because this is when I OFFICIALLY stopped watching Nickelodeon.

Jjs: Damn, was Hey Arnold THAT bad!?

JCM: it had no poo poo humor so doug had no reason to watch

Steel: I’m just surprised that he gave up on the channel so soon.

SOF: Doug’s psychotic torment didn’t make him quit, but the kid with the football shaped head did.

Fred: Bye Bye Beavers

I actually never saw a single episode of this show, but I know a lot of people did. 

Jjs: Oh nice, Doug’s reviewing something he has no knowledge about. We saw that worked out wondrously last time, so let’s do it again!

Steel: ….so why are you reviewing it? If you’ve never seen it, then you shouldn’t have anything to say about it. Then again, who I am to question the logic of the freaking Nostalgia Critic?

OWM: I’d like to see what would happen if Doug just reviewed cartoons that were increasingly unfamiliar to him as he went on. Maybe he can save that for Nickelodeon Month… 2.

So I decided to take a look at it. From what I can gather, it's a show pretty much just about a kid in the Bronx. And that's it, it's pretty much just about a kid in the Bronx.

NC: Well, that’s it for my Nicktoons review. I’m The Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don’t have to!

Jjs: It is? I know you already told us the first two times, but you may wanna repeat it again just so we’re all clear here, colonel.

SOF: I’m pretty sure this show takes place in the fictional city of Hillwood, not the Bronx.

Steel: Well, if you actually chose to watch more of this show instead of jumping the gun to review it based on all that you know, you should be able to know that it’s more than just about “a kid in the Bronx.”

JCM: Just like Rugrats is a show about babies and nothing more. Why waste the energy trying to glean anything else from these shows when you’re just going to find something random to center your review around, anyway?

("Adventure Ho" plays)

Announcer: (unenthusiastically) Adventure Ho.

Jjs: Even the Announcer of this forced gag is ready to pack his bags and scram.

Announcer: Screw you Nostalgia Critic, I don’t want to repeat your stupid joke for the third time! 

SOF: That poor Announcer ended up being the most tragic character of this tale.

Rusty: the running gag hoe just wants his money now please thank you

NC (voiceover): It's a tough time where kids walk like they're in a production of West Side Story, girls repeatedly shout the word "Arnold" for some strange reason…

Steel: Oh I’m sorry, would you be able to comprehend what this cartoon is about right away if it had more red cats and angry Mexican chihuahuas? 

SOF: You’re only jealous they aren’t shouting your name instead. 

Helga: Arnold. Arnold! Arnold!

NC (voiceover): And an army of boys against an army of girls ultimately results... in the boys very politely stepping out of their way. I'M HYPED!

Jjs: About time you showed some motivation, and on the last part, to boot! This is where he’ll knock it out of the park for sure! 

Steel: Well, if a theme song opening isn’t giving you so much interest, you should try sitting down to watch a single episode, if only if that didn’t seem like too much effort for you, just like how it’s too much effort for you to make a competent review.

Rusty: yeah doug this is nyc, not fuckin lenior city

There's a boy named Arnold, who is blessed WITHOUT the pressures of having a personality; his best friend Gerald, the one black person that every white person claims to know;

Jjs: Given some of the jokes Doug has made with Malcolm in his later reviews, I’m not sure if he should be the one to talk about race relations here.

OWM:

rJKnecX68oltsBZi6QKFflYObLZTmnM4P3zcSItI 

JCM: Just because you have no black friends doesn’t mean every other white person on the planet has no black friends.

and then there's Helga, who's so tough that she actually names her fists.

Helga: You're gonna have to answer to Old Betsy.

NC: That's not so tough. I named my fists, too. This is Glenda and Pancake! (embarrassed)

SOF: This is far from what Doug should be most embarrassed about.

Steel: I can tell that you just had a case of the munchies when you were trying to name your fists. That’s why I named mine Double Stuff and Oreos.

Rusty: for legal reasons i cannot tell you the names of my fists but they are both named teeth

JCM: My fists are named “Doug” and “Walker”. This one’s for you, kid.

Fred: You think that’s embarrassing? They could’ve been named “Porkchop” and “Patti Mayonnaise”.

I know it doesn't seem very threatening, but when you look at the... SHUT UP!

Jjs: *jumps out of chair* Whoa, jump scare!

Rusty: i didn’t say anything you shut up

NC (voiceover): And they had to deal with tough, nail-biting city drama that everybody in the Bronx has to deal with, like...

Gerald: We're stuck downtown, I'm a strawberry, and we don't have any money!

Fred: And the prom’s tomorrow!

NC: Again?

Steel: You mean you’ve dealt with a situation where you were downtown, a strawberry, and didn’t have any money before in your life, Doug? ...Yeah, I can see it.

Gerald: We're stuck downtown, I'm a strawberry, and we don't have any money!

Fred: And the prom’s tomorrow!

NC: Aga- [gets cymbals thrown at]

NC (voiceover): Even though Helga constantly makes fun of Arnold, she secretly has a crush on him that quite literally drives her to madness.

SOF: Being driven to insanity is one thing you two have in common.

Helga: Oh, my poor lost sweetheart. How I love you. And yet I hate you! And yet I love you. And yet I hate you! And yet I love you!

Rusty: welcome to my fucking world

NC: (in a voice reminiscent of Smeagol) We loves Arnold. We loves him so much! No, we hates Arnold. We hates him so much! Love! Hate! Love! Hate! (goes crazy)

Jjs: In addition to his demonic voice, this episode also established Doug can change his voice to Gollum’s at will, which makes me personally concerned for his sanity more than anything.

OWM: I am now convinced this entire episode (and month too, while we’re at it) was an elaborate scheme for Doug to show off his wicked Gollum impression. Six years too late.

NC (voiceover): Also, maybe it's because I don't watch the show 

Jjs: Just a tip, if you have to preface your “criticism” with that, there’s a good chance whatever you’re about to say is going to be extremely stupid and ignorant.

Steel: MAYBE? How about ‘evidently’?

but, why does Arnold wear a plaid skirt? I mean, is it a kilt? Is it a jacket? 

Jjs: Here’s your answer, in hopes of preventing another aneurysm since it’s just so damn hard to use Google or actually watch the material:

4W_mcrkoe9zXvFOSnA4E6_2FbQZjhwymZr6kEQvw

Steel: Can we really blame him for refusing to watch a single episode so he wouldn’t be able to know of such a detail? Oh wait...I guess we can.

SOF: I thought this was the Nostalgia Critic, not a fashion review show.

Rusty: wtf kind of shirt is that anyway who tf wears a shirt 8 sizes too big, least the jungle movie had him wear plaid shorts like a fucking person

Is he just an open transvestite? 

Jjs: Because it was funny the first time, let’s do another terrible trans joke in hopes of us finding it a little less unfunny this time around. Legit serious apologies to any trans viewers everywhere.

Steel: This cartoon was about an open transvestite? Excuse me, Doug, but I thought this was just about a kid in the Bronx, dohohohoadventureho.

SOF: Doug truly said trans rights. This was certainly a different time for humor.

JCM: Again, trans jokes weren’t cool in 2009 either.

OWM: I believe the term is “cross-dresser” now, Doug. I guess being as well-researched as he is only gets you so far.

I mean, Brooklyn--that wouldn't surprise me. But, come on, how about a little clarification?!

Jjs: This was clarified in the episode I posted above, but “comedy” over research, I get it, you do you-wait, am I stuck in a time loop?

Steel: ...Mister critic man, do you need a book thrown at your face to comprehend anything that’s unknown to you in these reviews?

NC: (voiceover): Oh, well. I guess, for some reason, the show didn't seem that bad from what I saw. 

Jjs: Seemingly, but of course who cares about putting in more effort now that I’m almost at the end of my runtime.

Steel: And “For some reason,” I could tell that you haven’t been able to form an actual opinion of it.

BP: You know, it’s funny. The one clip from the Siskel & Ebert tribute he did later the year this video came out that to this day stands out to me the most is a small one, but one I keep thinking about. It’s the one where Ebert, a dude who infamously refused to see video games as a legitimate artform, says he did play a small bit of the first TMNT NES game before seeing The Wizard, and noted that even a basic bitch like him can still tell how little anyone involved in the film cared about how accurate the games were represented; he noted that the film’s claims of the characters being on the fourth level of the game were inaccurate as, having played the game himself, he saw when the game was shown they were still on the first level. I’m bringing this up to say as someone who hasn’t exactly been the most knowledgeable when it comes to Hey Arnold (while still acknowledging it’s a great show from what I’ve seen), I noticed only clips from literally the first two episodes of the show were used in this “review”. Which, I mean, I know he at least says he’s not that familiar with the show, but still. He only bothered with 22 minutes and thought that was enough to cover the whole show. The fuck, dude.

But, sadly, I had reached my peak by this point. I had grown older and Nickelodeon cartoons no longer seemed to entertain me. 

Jjs: I think those Nicktoons didn't mind losing your viewership.

Rusty: it was 1995 and doug walker discovered aol chat rooms

SOF: It's fine, I grew older and your show no longer seemed to entertain me, either.

Fred: You’d have to be a braver man than I am to stop watching Nick cartoons at the age of around 14 years old. Feeling really bad for those who wanted him to review The Angry Beavers, CatDog, and Rocket Power.

It's strange to think that for all the loud and bizarre shows I remember, Nickelodeon actually had a lot of quiet and subtle shows as well.

Jjs: If only this review had been quiet and subtle. :bruh: 

Steel: Like for example…? Oh yeah, you don’t have any since you gave up on the channel early on anyways, so I guess we’ll never know what you were blabbering about when you spoke of quiet and subtle Nickelodeon shows.

JCM: It’s like a network can have shows that appeal to people with different tastes. Crazy to think about, huh?

It was like the mood swings of children's programming. And we loved it. Every last bit of it. Nicktoons were different, surreal, and one of a kind, making it a very memorable part of our childhoods. And trust me when I say I'm not REALLY as bitter about the whole Doug show as I let on. I mean, it didn't leave nearly as bad a mark as you may think.

Jjs: I don’t know about that chief, given you told us outright earlier you killed over it. There’s blood on this man’s hands!

(The Doug theme song plays, and NC looks around fearfully)

NC: No... the singing... it's coming back. IT'S COMING BACK! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOOP! (the song stops) Oh, all I had to do was ask. 

SOF: It was that easy? Darn, I should’ve asked nicely for this review to be over with a long time ago.

I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it--

Steel: I suppose since this is the second-to-last paragraph for this script, I can make the assumption that the transcript writer just stopped after his or her heart gave out having to hear all the dreck coming out of the Critic’s airhole.

Rusty: doug remembers it because his pitiful existence doesn’t allow him for anything else

(The song starts again. NC squeals like a little girl and shoots the camera.)

Jjs: RIP Cameraman. You know...I too feel like I owe a serious apology to SOF for our disses in the Critic Corner riffs, because it’s clear many of its faults were orphaned from the source material. This genuinely felt like an awkward episode of SECC. The dull recapping and very little reviewing? Check. The goofy, forced and badly timed gags? Check. The stalling and lack of getting to any actual points? Check. The constant repetition? Checkaroo. This was almost as bad as the Pokémon review, man, was it dull and lazy. Seriously, this was an absolutely lazy review (hey, if Doug wants to repeat himself, I will too!). At no point in this review did I ever get the impression Doug was passionate about reviewing any of these Nicktoons. Calling it a “review” is honestly generous, because it felt like a lousy Sparknotes summary more than anything. Doug tried too hard to cram in so much in so little time, giving no proper in-depth analyses to any of what he reviewed. I honest to god learned more about Doug’s imaginary fetishes here than any of his thoughts on Nicktoons. These earlier reviews are seriously worse than I ever recalled, wow. Next time, we’ll be looking at the last review of Doug’s “golden era.” I’m Jjs, and we the people riff the Nostalgia Critic so you don’t have to watch him! ADVENTURE HO! (seriously, wtf was this)

Steel: Okay, so...when I said not to expect so much out of this review, I meant don’t expect this review of Doug’s to resemble so much like one. All things considered, this review is living proof that even in the Nostalgia Critic’s so-called golden era, Doug has his fair share of flaws as a comedic reviewer.

While Doug did seem to try and comprehend Pokemon (and to no avail) in his review of The First Movie, you’d expect that he would have plenty of relevant things to say in this review, but he just...doesn’t. Like I said before, I’ve detested this review well enough to make it #20 in my worst NC reviews list, but up until this point, I didn’t fully realize the main problem with this review: for a subject that Doug himself suggests that he’s well-educated on, he’s put very minimal effort into what’s supposed to be a retrospective review on the Nicktoons he grew up with, along with at least one that he never saw beforehand.

Lazy doesn’t even begin to describe it. It doesn’t feel so focused on the review when it spends most of its time on off-topic tangents that we didn’t need to hear, but when comedy is also the focus of your series, I guess you have to make some sacrifices. Although, that doesn’t stop me from believing that those jokes are a facade from the idea that Doug doesn’t actually remember these shows all that well and is just basing his commentary off of what he remembered most about these shows.

Jjs has acknowledged that the review suffers from the fact that Doug had to juggle his comedy and general commentary in a certain amount of time. Sure, Doug back then has aimed for each of his reviews to be no more or no less than a certain length, but that doesn’t excuse him from focusing on giving us a proper and detailed opinion on the Nicktoons shows he’s covered. On top of that, why not review these Nicktoons separately or devote a longer review to the brand? Then again, it would only make sense for Doug to do the latter if he considered this topic for one of his later post-To Boldly Flee reviews. Say what you will that the Nostalgia Critic is done under the whole one review per week strategy, but that also doesn’t excuse Doug from devoting his own time to proper evaluation and research if his Avatar/Adventure Time/Gravity Falls/etc. vlogs have shown that Doug does have the time to educate himself on something unknown to him.

Of course, that was Doug years later and the Doug that wrote this review didn’t know when to bail when the time wasn’t feeling right. (Why else would he choose to analyze Hey Arnold! blind, and while in the process of writing the review?) Thus, this was the end result that we got: a Nicktoons review that made me wish that I would have even the most entitled 90s kid tell me why these Nicktoons were so important to them rather than hear from someone who presents very little nostalgia towards these shows, despite having his show titled The NOSTALGIA Critic, because at least they could spark an interesting conversation and I would have a better understanding as to why they are considered nostalgic.

It may have been cool to see Doug embrace Avatar: The Last Airbender in his later reviews and showcase his prior knowledge of it, but after taking another look at this review, I should feel satisfied that Doug hasn’t touched on anything else from the Nicktoons brand like SpongeBob for example. If the critic were to review it during the same year that the Nicktoons review came out, rest assured that he would be wasting his time making off-topic jokes about how SpongeBob reminds him of Jerry Lewis or whatever, how Squidward’s eyes and nose look like a penis, questioning logic that was never there like a crab having a whale for a daughter, a squirrel living underwater and having cleavage like Lola Bunny, and all that jazz.

Heck, I wouldn’t trust the Nostalgia Critic of the present era to make an exceptional review of SpongeBob as he would be wasting his time doing unfunny skits with Malcolm and Tamara than on the review in general. Alright, that ends my fairly long rant. Hope it wasn’t so much of a chore to read. I shall return to my scheduled NC riffing when it calls out for me once again.

SOF: Wow, I’m surprised at how lame that was. I really didn’t like this review. As Jjs said, it felt like a proto episode of my “Exciting” Critic Corner, and it’s kinda scary to me how much this episode had in common with it. Perhaps my imitation of Doug was a bit more spot on than I realized. Putting that aside, this review felt super lazy even by Doug’s standards at the time. He failed to make any actual points, and the attempts at humor here were cringe. See ya later, folks. I wish you all luck with the remaining 10 episodes...and boy, will you need it.

OWM: I’m glad this format is the way it is. It spares me the shame of watching Nostalgia Critic. I will return...

Rusty: remember when i used to like this back when i was like 14, 15, 16, 17….ish, yeah, dark times. I remember my parents used to not like me watching his good burger review because they thought the idea of black ppl working at a fast food joint could be conceived as racist...while both my parents defended the confederacy. Anyway, I’ll be back for James and the Gigantic Peach next week, something I remember seeing in my childhood once, and reading and stuff. Oh well, see ya next week.

JCM: Like I said, I didn’t watch much of Nostalgia Critic, so I went into this without knowing much of what was going on. Of course, it seems he went into most of the reviews he did for this video without knowing much of what was going on, either, so I consider us square. Will I be watching (or reading) any more Nostalgia Critic after this? No. Will I recommend Nostalgia Critic to a friend after this experience? No. See you all next time! Maybe. Probably. Eh, probably not.

Fred: So within watching this review, I really learned a lot about Nicktoons. I learned that:

  • Apparently, Ren and Stimpy has great toilet humor.
  • Rugrats, on the other hand, does not.
  • Doug has psychologically damaged every Doug in the universe.
  • Rocko and Real Monsters are bad at making references.
  • Doug refuses to research shows he hasn’t watched.
  • All transvestites dress in kilts.
  • And I forget whatever I saw in this review.

All I can say is, thank god for Nick Reboot and similar streaming sites for showing all these Nicktoons because I would’ve been turned off by all of them if they were described the way The Nostalgia Critic did so in his review. I know he’s playing a character, but come on. You don’t see Todd in the Shadows purposely misunderstanding the point of “Just a Friend” and calling Biz Markie a whiny douchebag. No, he does his research like any sane critic would do. It feels like Doug just skimmed a Wikipedia article for vague facts and possible joke material he can use in his reviews. Unfortunately, the jokes he does make with that material just deflate like a balloon and it comes off as awkward and unfunny. KINDA LIKE THE IRATE GAM--okay, I’m done with this. See y’all in the next review I do.

BP: About that, I’m not quite sure Todd isn’t without his moments either; maybe it’s because my genre of origin has basically become electronic music and therefore I genuinely can’t say much good about how he covers it. When he calls some song with an electro-y boomy beat electroclash by default I at least get where he’s coming from - a lot of people tend to interpret the genre as just anything with a boomy beat (idk how to describe it tbf just listen to this to get what i mean by “boomy”) - meanwhile I’m still trying to remember what the hell was the song he said had “happy hardcore shit” in it, because I genuinely can’t remember a single song that he’s talked about that even remotely sounds like happy hardcore. Also I’m 99% sure “ravers” are not the target audience for David Guetta’s music but [stops because at the very least he seems investive in maybe wanting to know more (I’ll be frank and say the breakdown of Italo House, a genre I myself have trouble with identifying, in his Corona video actually was pretty good on his part) and I mean. I’ll take him any day over fucking Buckley. I may not see why so many people find him as funny as they do but he’s at least interested in what he’s talking about and isn’t some incel ass]

Wait where was I? Okay yeah, this isn't a good video. Even when I was into this dude, and even when watching the bits around the Doug review, I never really cared for this episode, even though the conceptually-similar episodes of AVGN where the Nerd looked at a console’s library of games were always among my favorite episodes of his show. And granted, it’s not even like the AVGN is 100% articulate about his thoughts in every one of those “I cover a bunch of games in one episode” episodes - I kind of remember him struggling with that in his recent Taito Legends vid on a few games - but I mean, at least he tries. Meanwhile, I genuinely had to re-read the script on my own accord just to see what his bottom line actually was when it came to Hey Arnold and Real Monsters, and I think he was trying to coast on Rugrats being ingrained into his audience’s headspace in a similar manner to how we view Spongebob (I guess considering it probably was proto-Spongebob in terms of how popular it was), because I straight up forgot he doesn’t say anything really critical about that show. Nothing really about Rocko either. I think I just went off what the Wikipedia articles (note plural, the article that detailed what he said about each film was really per year (now i see there isn’t an episode list at all…. hmmm (also for some reason the link on the article for lindsey reads “Lindsey Ellis (Nostalgia Chick)” and I guess that’s a testament to the age of this article. it doesn’t even mention #ChangeTheChannel at all))) as a kid just to get a gist of what he said about it. Of the other three shows, Ren and Stimpy has a minute of him regurgitating different variations of “this show is weird guys!!!” before going “shit I already talked about this” and I feel like I’ve read somewhere that Doug made up the part about having trauma about the show and played it up for laughs but I can’t find it, though while I’m still assuming he didn’t because I don’t want to come off as insensitive (even though, like, I’m not sure why he’d be bullied for having the same name as the title character of an incredibly popular show loved by many from the era), that doesn’t really excuse how lazy his bit on the show comes across as. I see a potentially fun time in an episode like this but I feel like either he should’ve waited until his writing skills would get better (...i’m saying this hypothetically, anyway) or he should’ve better managed his time when “researching” these shows, because at best this episode only really gives an incredibly basic look at the shows it’s paying tribute to, and at worst, it made me feel really, really awkward.

Two last notes before I wrap this up related to Doug the animated character: 1) The first time I learned of his last name was through one of those “old nickelodeon tribute” videos, and without context I took it that the person who made the video had a weird way of saying the show itself was funny and gave me a weird impression of people doing rants like these (which were everywhere in the late 00’s; you don’t know how much of a travesty it is that this one YouTube rant that used to be popular in the day is basically long gone from the Internet, because if it was still up we’d all be memeing the shit out of it). 2) Early YouTube browsing that led to me to discover these old shows (by the time whatever the nostalgia programming block on Teennick is called these days came about, I got into these shows for myself and became as hooked as I expected, to the point where several times, I without a slither of irony said the phrase “I was born in the wrong generation”) randomly led me to this one day, which I’d since forgotten about for years only to just sprout back up in my head in the middle of writing this.

this… actually works, if i’m being honest?

 

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Episode III: James and the Giant Peach

Spoiler

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Jjs: Our next destination is the last episode we’ll be covering of Nostalgia Critic’s “golden era.” Of all episodes we could’ve riffed, I know this may appear to be an odd choice to some. However, this is an episode that I feel gets overlooked in its badness at times, on the sole factor of what it represents from Doug as a critic. For those unaware of this review’s backstory, I should regale you as it’s worth keeping in mind for context: In September 2011, a week before this review, Doug did a let’s play of Bart’s Nightmare that received backlash and was considered to be one of his worst episodes at the time of release. His fandom absolutely despised it, Comedy Central style roasting it left and right. It was basically the original The Wall of its time. Why did I not choose to riff it? Because honestly, in comparison to his later reviews, it looks like a work of the Sistine Chapel. It wasn't a good let's play by any means, but not bad enough to be worth riffing here, and Doug isn’t a gamer so I was never expecting an AVGN caliber video. Anyways, Doug forced himself to do this particular review as “damage control” and an “apology” after the backlash. That’s right, he only made this review in the hopes people would hop off his case for the let’s play, not because he genuinely wanted to do this one. Keep that in the back of your heads as we review this one, as it paints quite a picture.

Rusty: Hey, remember when Doug got a lot of hate for leaving out the death of Optimus Prime in that sad nostalgic moments episode so he made Optimus Prime Jesus and said in his fuck-up videos that his fans should be thanking him for that? I do. What an ass. You know, if you find yourself in this situation, where you try and do something new but it doesn’t work like you expected, then you are left with two choices: Ask your fans to give constructive criticism so you can do better, or tell ‘em to fuck off. This is Doug doing the latter.

Clappy: And me makes three. Yeah I’m back too. I am fitting in time to get a few cheap shots in at one of the guys who inspired to review music, movies, art, and culture…oh wait wrong guy. Anyways, I remember this review sadly so you don’t have to...and I’m sorry to those of you who actually do remember this one. It’s one of the worst ones to live rent free in my head. Let’s figure out why.

(Cut to outside of a court with words at the bottom saying "Live - Internet State Penitentiary".)

Jjs: What filming Suburban Knights does to a mofo.

Rusty: Ah yes, the glorious state of internet, and I shudder to think of who would be it’s representatives for congress.

Clappy: Internet State Penitentiary? Is that where Mike Michaud is holding the rights to the Nostalgia Critic namesake?

British announcer: We are live at a press conference here in Chicago, Illinois, where we hear that any minute, The Nostalgia Critic is going to make a public appearance addressing his last video.

Jjs: Comic Con and E3 got nothing on this!

For those who are unaware, the Nostalgia Critic posted a Let's Play of "Bart's Nightmare" last week, which was considered by many to be so horrendously unfunny, that they would rather shove a needle factory up their scrotums. Oh! And here is the Nostalgia Critic preparing to explain his actions.

Jjs: Oh okay, well I guess I shouldn’t have bothered with my intro backstory if Doug was going to smugly recap it for us. Now I kinda look like a jackass, but that’s on me for investing myself too much in the Channel Awesome lore.

Clappy: Doug recapping his own bad videos so we don’t have to.

(NC wears a white shirt and goes up to the mic.)

Clappy: Gasp. He is wearing a white shirt. What’s next? A black blazer? A red tie?

NC: Hello, everyone, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. Uh, I remember it so you don't have to. 

Jjs: Hello, I’m Jjs, and I riff you so the people don’t have to watch you!

Rusty: Hi, I like space suits because goddammit who else will.

Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the Internet State Penitentiary.

Jjs: A short enough time to allow you to host your own press conference, where as far as we're aware, you're completely unsupervised. The Internet State Penitentiary's staff seems about as competent as the filming team behind Suburban Knights.

Little surprised to see that place actually existed. But apparently, it's right next to the State Home for the Ugly. 

Jjs: Which happens to be right next door to the Channel Awesome HQ.

Clappy: One of his “abstract” commercials already? We aren’t even one minute in...oh wait this is pre-To Boldly Flee.

So, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions addressing the video I did last week.

Jjs: Yes, hello good sir, here’s my question: Why are you still a thing?

Rusty: Hi, I’m Rusty from 177 news, could you please stop being smug so I don’t throw a chair at your face?

Clappy: Good thing he is only taking questions from last week. Because otherwise we’d be here for even longer questioning over thirteen years of content.

(points to one of the audience) Uh, yes?

Jjs: No pointing fingers sir, you alone got yourself into this mess! 587427924198817802.png?v=1

Reporter lady from off-screen:

Jjs: Even the press doesn't want to be caught dead on camera here or given names, can't say I blame 'em.

How does it feel to know that you made the absolute worst Let's Play ever to be put on the internet?

Jjs: Okay, this “cute self-aware smugness” is already pissing me off and we’ve barely begun. I still stand that Let’s Play was far from the worst ever made, but if he’s going to be this self-aware about it, I’m regretting giving it that defense. Sometimes I wonder if Doug thrives off the negative attention...and you know, that really would explain a lot now in hindsight about his whole career. :bruh: 

NC: Bad. Definitely, uh, bad! 

Jjs: Why even stop there? Just say it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad let’s play.

Clappy: Could be worse. He could have pulled out one of his like twenty meme gags he had at the time.

Uh, but hopefully, I can make some more funny videos and move on from there. Yes?

Clappy: Change the Channel.

Jjs: Well Mr. Funny Man, is this how you get your sick kicks!?

Rusty: 10 years later and he still hasn’t moved on, apparently. 10 years later and he’s still the third worst thing in Chicago after Arthur J. Jones and the White Sox.

Man: I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife, and eat my children. Uh, he's not as bad as you.

Jjs: I’m surprised he didn’t go for a cheap “worse than Hitler” joke here.

Rusty: You poisoned my water supply, burned my crops and delivered a plag-oh wait never mind, FUUCK

NC: Thank you for that. And, uh, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Jjs: Do you sincerely regret that he feels that way, though?

Clappy: He sincerely regrets that you feel...dammit Jjs beat me to the easy riff.

Man: Don't give me your pity.

NC: Uh, yes?

Man #2: Ahem. Melvin the Brother of the Joker, Emo Jones, this recent Let's Play, Nazi Germany. That is all.

Jjs: You sure, Man #2? There's no other embarrassments of his career you wanna cheekily and subtly point out here? Okay good, because my only other response to this is: what?

Rusty: I think that was your “worse than Hitler” joke. Oh yeah, Melvin, the Brother of the Joker was a thing too that didn’t work, and he dealt with that by basically pretending it never existed. Man, Doug is like the internet equivalent to Santo Gold, always burying his mistakes in the sand rather than facing the music, and this is coming from someone who made, like, a lot of bad mistakes and missteps in their life, like made-me-lose-friends bad. I know I’m supposed to be funny here but I’m just too flabbergasted to make a joke here. 

NC: Okay.

Jjs: I wouldn't even fucking know how to reply to something like that either.

If we can keep the questions to actual questions, uh, that'd be fantastic! Uh, yes?

Jjs: I’ve got another one: Can we get to the actual review now? 

Angry man: HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THIS TRAVESTY AMONG THE WORLD?!

Jjs: I’m guessing this “witty skit” was a prototype for the eventual skits he’d do in the post-return era. Now I really kinda hate this review a lot more if this did inspire them.

Clappy: Meanwhile, during this overlong dull sketch for a review that wasn’t even that bad, Doug said “the n word” in his Ernest Saves Christmas review and he didn’t nearly get as much attention then for that. 

NC: Look, um, when everything is said and done, at the end of the day, I just made a bad video!

Jjs: If only Doug had the integrity to admit this for any of the other reviews we’re covering. 

(crowd gasps)

Angry woman: Inexcusable!

Clappy: Isn’t this guy's tag line “The Review Must Go On”? Well are we getting on with it already?

(Chester A. Bum stands up)

Jjs: Ah, now here’s one of Doug’s wholesome gag characters that ended up really overstaying his welcome, like many of Doug’s long running gags. I personally kinda wish ol’ Chester had stayed dead after To Boldly Flee.

Rusty: well bum is wholesome if you don’t think too highly of homeless people

Chester A. Bum: (Furiously) YOUR FANS DESERVE BETTER, MR. MacCRITIC! SURE YOU TRIED SOMETHING NEW! IT DIDN'T WORK! IT BOMBED LIKE MAD! BUT NOW YOU DESERVE TO GIVE YOUR FANS SOMETHING BETTER!! 

Jjs: Agreed, we the people demand Suburban Knights 2!

Clappy: Thus the inspiration for Demo Reel was born that day.

Hey, I liked it, I thought it was the greatest video I've ever seen in my life. BUT YOU OWE YOUR FANS SOMETHING BETTER!!

Clappy: Pop Quiz Hotshot!

Jjs: #ReleaseTheWalkerCut

NC: Well, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what.

Hank Hill: I tell you hwhat, please don't.

Why don't I do a positive review of a movie that a lot of people seem to enjoy?

Jjs: Wait, hold up. Everyone listen to this. So...you’re forcing yourself to do a positive review regardless of how you actually feel about the movie, in hopes of appeasing your rabid fanbase? That’s, uh...spineless as all hell? How am I supposed to take Doug seriously as a reviewer after this? Do you know how unprofessional that is? In the real world, if a professional critic pulled this kind of stunt, their superiors wouldn’t be very happy. And as someone who actually DOES have a professional critic gig now, Clappy can affirm that for us, I imagine.

Clappy: I interrupt this with this message. Yes, I can affirm to this.

Any illusion of integrity Doug pretended to have around this point is honestly tossed into a shallow grave off the road with this one line. I can’t believe I overlooked this back in the day. Wow.

Rusty: As a 13-14 year old with an iPod and a love of Sam’s Club Wi-Fi, even I didn’t understand the logic of this. What was he trying to prove? Was he trying to win everyone back by doing the opposite of his usual schick? When doing something different was the thing that caused the controversy in the first place? Like, he does know that his fan base mostly consists of people who just want to see an angry 40 year old rip apart old movies like a homicidal curmudgeon with a limited understanding of what made MST3K last as long as it did and have a fan base as big as it is, right?

Chester: (happily) OH! You mean like James and the Giant Peach?

Jjs: Must've picked the first movie he found while dumpster diving.

Clappy: After all, it is the greatest movie he’s ever seen in his life.

Rusty: Hey I remember that movie in like 3rd-8th grades, up there with Tangerine, Freckle Juice, Frindle, Pictures of Hollis Woods, Charlotte's Web, Because of Winn-Dixie, Mouse and the Motorcycle, The Outsiders, Giver, City of Ember, that one dirty fanfic of SpongeBob a classmate made me read.

NC: James and the Giant Peach? THAT HUNK OF...cinematic brilliance?

Jjs: Now, I’ll have some actual integrity unlike Doug and admit I haven’t watched this film in a very long time, so my memory on it is a bit cloudy and I may not have the strongest counters to his “criticisms.” I’m intentionally not going to rewatch it since I like the challenge, and I don't wanna overpower myself after the Pokémon riff where my knowledge was too much for Doug's feeble mind. That said, I have a feeling I’ll still end up understanding it better than him.

Clappy: Backhanded compliment is backhanded. I’m just going to get this out of the way now before this recurring joke appears like fifty more times.

(The title screen for the movie James and the Giant Peach is shown, followed by footage of the movie.)

NC: (voiceover) Ah, yes, how can I not forget the awkwardly-written-yet-structurally-confusing masterpiece that is James and the Giant Peach

Jjs: Here’s a fun drinking game for everyone to play: Take a shot every time Doug gives a condescending, passive-aggressive jab at the film despite wanting to do a “positive review.” You may need 911 on speed dial.

Clappy: The original Stephen King drinking game.

Not that there's anything WRONG with that, it's not like the film did poorly at the box office but got a surprising cult following over the years, or that the critical reaction at the time was lukewarm at best, but recently has been declared as a timeless classic.

Jjs: Nice try, but saying this won't make any of the Channel Awesome movies become timeless classics.

[NC is now in his normal clothes and sitting in his room]

Jjs: The most important detail of the review: Doug changed his clothes. Remember that for the riffing quiz!

NC: And it's not like my need to please the masses is going to affect my opinion in ANY conceivable way! I'm just going to praise it for the wonderful family romp that it is. (pause) Really!

Rusty: Like I said, do you know your audience, Doug?

Jjs: My personal Game Theory is that when he took that pause, he realized at that moment how stupid this review’s whole premise is, but didn’t want to erase any of his “witty dialogue” above, so he pressed onward, undeterred. 

Clappy: My personal Game Theory is that he only made this review for that HIL-AR-IOUS internet state penitentiary gag.

(A picture of the novel is shown.)

Rusty: Funny, that’s the Image I come up with when I think of the state of Georgia.

NC: (voiceover) So for those who don't know, the film is based on the book by Willy Wonka author Roald Dahl, 

Jjs: The book is technically called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but eh, it’s easy to call it that, so I’ll let it pass. This will be the least of this review’s problems, anyways.

Rusty: To be fair, more people know that book as Willy Wonka, although Dahl is also known for the BFG, thank you very much. Dammit when did I turn into Brad Jones, I thought I exorcised him out of me months ago. 

Clappy: Common mistake honestly. I refer to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as Willy Wonka for short myself. Either way though, I don’t expect Doug to provide explanations for things. You know, like critics do.

and directed by famous stop-motion director Henry Selick, who also directed The Nightmare Before Christmas.

(Footage of the live-action opening is shown, James on a beach by a lighthouse.)

NC: (voiceover) As you can see, his stop-motion has clearly gotten better. Good God, they look like actual fucking people.

Jjs: Yes, because The Nightmare Before Christmas character designs...were supposed to look like actual people? You know, the same movie with Jack Skellington as a main character? 

Rusty: Okay, that's a somewhat decent joke, but still, stop motion characters are people too!

James: Look! (Points up at the clouds) That cloud looks like a camel! And that one over there looks like a train engine!

NC: (mimicking James) And that one looks like a crappy CGI effect.

Jjs: Haha bad CGI joke go burr do you all forgive me yet!?

Clappy: Says the guy who uses bad Photoshop effects.

 (Lethal looking Photoshop guns surround the Critic) I mean...a good CGI effect. (Looking nervously at the guns)

Jjs: This certainly makes an appropriate modern metaphor of Channel Awesome execs forcing him to still churn out this show.

Rusty: It’s better than him hosting a game show. 

Clappy: Fun fact. If one of those goes off, it ends the review quicker.

James' father: And can you see the tallest building in the world?

(James sits up and looks at the sky, the camera...for some reason rotates rapidly to show a cloud shaped like the Empire State Building.)

James: I see it!

James' Father: (showing him a picture of the real thing) That's where we're going.

NC: (voiceover) Wow, the timing of those clouds was perfect! I mean, they form the Empire State Building just as they tell him they're about to go to the Empire State Building! 

Rusty: Thanks Doug, never would’ve fucking guessed, how helpful.

Jjs: I for one am glad he’s at least gotten better paying attention to subtle meanings in films in the past 3 years. And they say Doug hasn’t evolved as a critic!

Clappy: Next thing you know, he’ll find one minor mistake and overblow it into epic proportions. #BatCreditCard

I wish the clouds in MY neighborhood were that convenient! (sighs)

Jjs: Be careful what you wish for or you may get some unwanted hate mail in the form of those clouds.

If only there was a way I could avoid the Chicago traffic.

Jjs: No worries, the Chicago traffic wants to avoid you too.

Clappy: Say hi to Brad Jones for me.

(The clouds read "The L Train".)

NC: Take the L train! Of course, that's a great idea!

Jjs: That's far from the only L you'll be taking. :funny: 

 Aw...but which one goes to the Loop?

(The clouds read "Take the Greenline from Harlem".)

NC: Of course! How stupid of me! Oh, but what if I want to keep my options open?

Jjs: Doug is now talking to clouds. Is this another reason he was in the Internet State Penitentiary?

(The clouds turn into a full map of the Chicago L.)

NC: Wow, that's amazingly helpful! Thanks, incredibly convenient passing pile of clouds!

(The clouds read "MapQuest can suck it!".)

Rusty: If this was better written, this would almost be a Svengoolie sketch, although it is sacrilege to compare the pure awesomeness of Sven to anything by Channel Awesome, especially as of late.

Jjs: Can those incredibly convenient passing pile of clouds spell out “Don’t bring back the show” next? Sure wish they had been kind enough to give him that forward advice.

Clappy: The De-Evolution of Comedy by Doug and Rob Walker.

NC: (voiceover) So everything seems to be absolutely peachy for James

Jjs: *drum snare* Here's your reddit gold!

and his angelic parents, but then things suddenly, and I do mean SUDDENLY, go very rotten.

Jjs: You sure you mean SUDDENLY? Gotta repeat it for the third time so we’re clear.

(The parents disappear as lightning begins to flash.)

Narrator: Then, one day, a terrible thing happened. An angry rhinoceros appeared out of nowhere and gobbled up his poor mother and father.

(The Critic stares at the screen. He takes a pen and writes something down before holding up a small cue card saying "What?" while showing a disbelieving expression.)

Jjs: Can you move it along, I’m all out of cue cards.

Clappy: Okay to be fair, I thought this was a stupid plot device then and I still do now. If only the highlighting of this bad plot device can delay the review for an additional minute….

Narrator: An angry rhinoceros appeared out of nowhere and gobbled up his poor mother and father.

(The Critic writes something else down and holds up another cue card saying "What?" in even bigger letters and two question marks and a shocked expression.)

Jjs: Can you write that down again? I know you’ve done it twice now, but you may wanna do it again just so we’re all clear here, colonel.

NC: (voiceover) I mean, really, what else can you say but, "What?!"

Jjs: I don't know, you could reference one of your tired memes like Big Lipped Alligator Moment, Bat Credit Card, TIMING, ZUUL MOTHERFUCKER, I'M A VERY BAD TROLL, OF COURSE!, I WAS FROZEN TODAY, etc. With how reference happy this review is going to be, you sure you don't want to?

That is the most out-of-nowhere explanation of parents disappearing ever! They don't explain it, we never see it happen, just, a rhinoceros comes out of nowhere and eats them!

Rusty: So much forced positivity, you spineless curmudgeon. 

Clappy: Yep. Keep delaying this reviewing by nitpicking one plot device. It’s not like this review is going anywhere to begin with.

Jjs: According to my trusty research, in the book, there was a little more context that the film didn't cover, such as how it was an escaped zoo rhino that ate them. The film could've translated this better but the way they abruptly dropped it on us kinda fits the morbid style the film was going for, and his parents are still a prime motivator for James' arc so it's not completely the random aside he's making it out to be. It's better than no backstory at all, which I'm sure you would be having hysterics over if they left out.

Narrator: Their troubles, if they had any at all, were over in 35 seconds flat.

NC: (voiceover) Yeah, I'm not editing that down, either! That's literally how they show it to us. Parents there, gone, blame the rhino. It's a pretty rushed explanation, isn't it?

Jjs: We get it, it's abrupt, it's weird, a rhino ate his parents! Just repeat the narrator's explanation for a third time while you're dragging this out...hey wait, wasn’t this supposed to be a forced positive review? If I were a fan of James and the Giant Peach, I’d be pretty annoyed at this sharp turn in the story arc.

Can you imagine if one of the Disney movies did that?

Jjs: ...He does know this is partly a Disney movie, right?

(Footage of The Lion King)

Mufasa: Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.

Simba: Wow!

NC: (voiceover; as a narrator) And then a rhino ate him up.

(A Photoshopped rhino eats Mufasa and a card saying "THE END" appears while "Hakuna Matata" plays in the background.)

Jjs: It feels like every time Doug makes a Lion King “joke” in his reviews, they are utterly cringe. Please stay away from all things Lion King, Doug, I beg of you, you’re embarrassing us both…

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Clappy: That’s nothing. He’s tackled The Lion King franchise like three or four times now. At least we got this memorable thumbnail...wait, wasn’t there a review going on?

NC: Yeah, how do you think that'd go over? (The guns point at him again.)  Probably better....

Jjs: We’re not even halfway into his review and this running gag is already running thin. Are there really even that many diehard James and the Giant Peach stans, anyways? Were any of them really going to have their days ruined forever if Doug gave it a bad review? The way he’s painting them off to be some irrational rabid fanbase would piss me off if I were them. 

Rusty: they should call him the Narcissistic Critic, amirite?

NC: (voiceover) So, of course, now he has to live with his evil aunts. Yeah, how come the kindest parents in the world always have the most dick-ass relatives?

Jjs: I have to say the more I look back at these old reviews, the more I see how juvenile a lot of Doug’s "humor" is at points like this. Did you really need to use “dick-ass” of all possible descriptors? Feels like you could’ve just called them either dicks or assholes here, don’t see the need to mix both. Unless...Doug was trying to tell us something here again. :smirk:

Sponge: Look at him!

Spiker: Lolly-gagging in Dream Land, when there's so much work to do!

Sponge: Weeds to pull, wood to chop!

Sponge & Spiker: Work, work, work, work, WORK!

Clappy: You don’t gotta go to work, work, work, work, WORK!

NC: Okay, I think this calls for another....SCARY SLOW-MO!

Jjs: That's not the meme callback I was asking for!

(The aunts' line is replayed in slow mo, which actually does looks pretty intimidating. And weird.)

Rusty: oh hey the Bad Running Gag Hoe is back.

NC: Whoa, Jesus Christ! I wonder if they use that picture for their email greetings.

Greeting Card: Happy New Year from the Hag sisters. May all your resolutions come true and don't forget to WORK!

Rusty: Is this a Nostalgia Critic review or another Family Guy episode, I can’t tell.

Clappy: You think that’s bad...yeah, this joke is bad.

Jjs: Without even looking below, I already know “Work, work, work, work, WORK!” is going to be repeated again ad nauseam. Because when Doug makes a big deal out of an off-color moment like this, you know he’s not forgetting it. *coughprincessdiaries2cough*

NC: (voiceover) So this is Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker. You know, when you name your kids that, aren't you just begging for them to turn out like this? 

Jjs: And when you do a review you don’t want to actually do, aren’t you begging for it to turn out like this?

Rusty: I mean, Sponge and Spiker would make good Formula 1 team names. In fact one of them was, albeit spelled differently. (It’s Spyker if you’re too lazy to look it up)

They're played by British comediennes, Joanna Lumley and Miriam Margoyles. And in keeping with England tradition, they give the best British confidence build-up they can muster.

Sponge: Get these stupid dreams out of your head!

Both Aunts: And get back to work!

Jjs: ...Get back to work, Mr. Dougward.

Clappy: Thankfully, he didn’t reuse that “Work!” tagline again.

Spiker: They never even saw that rhino coming...

Sponge: That rhino....

Spiker: And the beast will get you, too!

NC: (voiceover) Now, in any other movie, I'd say these two were as strongly constructed as a bomb shelter made out of Popsicle sticks. (A Photoshopped image of that is shown.)

Jjs: I’m getting the feeling more time was spent making that image than the time Doug spent prepping for this review.

NC: But in this movie, it works! Because...I really want you to like me right now.

Rusty: Remember when you were complaining about Pokemon and Cartoon All-Stars hammering shit in?

Clappy: And that’s the exact reason Doug and Rob briefly reviewed fan requests in 2018 after Change The Channel ruined their reputation.

NC: (voiceover) So as James gets back to [imitates the evil aunts] work, work, work, work, WORK... 

Jjs: Yep, called it. You gotta WORK harder to make a more compelling apology review than this, Doug.

Clappy: But you gotta put in work, work, work, work, WORK!

[Normal] he can't help but hum a merry little tune.

James: (singing) My name is James, that's what mother called me.

NC: (voiceover) Wow. What horrible lyrics, what a bland tune, what a totally forgettable melody. 

Jjs: Is this still a forced positive review of the movie or not? Christ, pick a side of the coin already, Two-Face.

Rusty: At least he did just that with his Surf Ninjas “review”. 

Clappy: Hey now. Not all musical numbers can be composed by Rob Scallon.

This can only be the work of...

(A picture of Randy Newman is shown, with a horror vamp.)

Jjs: Apologies to Randy Newman for being dragged by Doug like this.

Jerry Seinfeld (from Seinfeld ) Newman!

Rusty: Wait, 2008 Daytona 500 champ Ryan Newman?

Clappy: Dammit Doug. Stop reminding me of funnier comedians in your shitty review.

NC: (voiceover) That's right, Randy Newman wrote these songs.

Rusty: oh

Jjs: All I can say is Doug has no right to mock any musicians after The Wall.

Oh, and just like his other work, it's lame, annoying, repetitive, unoriginal…

Clappy: Just like Doug’s other works.

Jjs: Speaking of lame, annoying, repetitive, and unoriginal…

(The guns appear again.)

Jjs: There’s more guns in this review than the south. I genuinely don’t see how this review is making anyone happy thus far when he’s made it clear many times now he’s being held at gunpoint to do this, literally. This is why I can’t stand this review, if Doug clearly doesn’t want to actually review this movie, why should we care as viewers? Hell, he's having quite the internal struggle if he wants to be nice to it or not as we see right above. I honestly would have more respect if he just hated on the movie the whole way instead. Sure, that would’ve been awful too based on his limpdick “criticisms” in this so far, but at least it would’ve had a somewhat clearer vision than this mess and would've kept some illusion of integrity.

Rusty: I really, really wish I had something else to add other than that these gun wielders must be more trigger happy than a fucking cop.

NC: ...inspiring, charming, wonderful piece of music that I expect from such a musical genius! I mean, how can you NOT love such emotionally-packed lyrics like: "My name is James, that's what mother called me. My name is James, so it's always been." That's ingenious insight, isn't it? I mean, here I thought James, as in James and the Giant Peach, was referring to somebody else. But nope, this song points out that it's the James right in front of us, and not a James in another town or country.

Jjs: Nah, it’s referring to James from Pokémon, who is still pretty pissed at how you reviewed that movie and is out for revenge. I think he even might be one of the gun wielders in your audience.

Clappy: (the guns appear again)

NC: (voiceover) And the fact that he explains it's his MOTHER that named him is also very important. Because...we could've made the horrible mistake of thinking his FATHER named him. But, no, this incredibly crucial lyric points out that it was, in fact, his mother. Ho-ho, I wonder what other incredible insight they're going to give us!

Jjs: Yeah, it’s not like his parents died and he’s emotionally reminiscing over them or anything, but given Pokémon and Nicktoons are complex concepts to you, I understand that flying over your head.

Clappy: They’ll give us more insight than you’re doing right now. Can we move on for Christ’s sake? I’m a busy man that has no time for this garbage.

James: (singing) Sometimes I forget, when I'm lonely or afraid. Then I'll go inside my head and look for James.

NC: Well, that obviously explains itself! I don't have to explain it for you!

Rusty: so can you shut up now

Jjs: But isn’t that your duty as a “critic”? For someone who complains about films not spoon feeding him enough, he sure is leaving us in the dark over here!

NC: (voiceover) So while James is admiring what a beautiful set out it is today, he suddenly comes across the late Pete Postlethwaite, playing what looks like a time traveling Captain Crunch.

Jjs: Did they pay you for that plug?

Clappy: This episode is brought to you by Captain Crunch...no please Doug...don’t dress up as him and make an unfunny commercial for two minutes...oh wait this is still pre-To Boldly Flee.

Magic Man: Oh, don't be frightened, James. I mean you no harm.

James: How do you know my name?

Magic Man: (laughs) I know more than just your name.

NC: I know your pants size, too! (The guns appear again.) Just let me have that! Just let me have that!

Jjs: How adorable, making a pedophilia joke about one of the characters. I’m sure the fans will “let you have that.”

Rusty: judging by how he still has fans after #changethechannel, I’m sure they will.

Clappy: LOCK HIM UP!

NC: (voiceover) So he gives him a bag of Kryptonite pasta that he claims can make all his dreams come true. But what are they exactly?

Jjs: Magical Kryptonite beans obviously.

Magic Man: One thousand long, slimy crocodile tongues boiled in the skull of a dead witch for twenty days and twenty nights. Add the fingers of a young monkey, the gizzard of a pig, the beak of a parrot and three spoonfuls of sugar.

NC: (voiceover; singing) And a puked lunch in a pear tree!

Clappy: And an obvious joke is obvious.

NC: (voiceover) The only downside is, he trips and lets it fly all over the place.

James: Wait!

(He chases after these tiny little fluorescent green specks flying everywhere.)

Phillip Brainard (from Flubber ) It's FLUBBER!

Rusty: hahaha it looks like flubber lets add a clip that calls it flubber

Jjs: MOVIE REFERENCE! Do you guys forgive me yet!?

Spiker: There he is!

Sponge: Get up, you little worm!

NC: (voiceover) The two aunts are angry, of course, because that's the one note they've been given, 

Jjs: Do I even need the point out the irony here?

when they come across an amazing discovery!

Sponge: Look, a peach! There, on that branch!

Spiker: Why, that old tree's never had so much as a blossom on it, let alone a...well, I'll be blowed!

(The Critic smiles uncomfortably as the guns begin to nudge their way in.)

Jjs: What's so wrong with that, are we missing something here? Are you unaware "blowed" is in fact a real word, or is there a clever inside joke you wanna let us in on?

NC: I'm good!

(The guns slowly back off.)

Rusty: what

Jjs: I presume some kind of "joke" was legit written here, but Doug completely forgot his lines and they went on ahead regardless, not caring if it still made sense in the final edit. With how half-assed this review is, I can believe it tbh.

NC: (voiceover) But the peach apparently has the power to keep on growing, until it finally transforms into Garfield's anus. 

Jjs: In addition to Grinch testicles and Beetlejuice’s dildo, Doug also likes to fantasize over Garfield’s anus. I’m not one to fetish shame, you do you, but there’s a time and place, and a half-assed review that you didn’t even want to do in the first place certainly ain’t it.

Clappy: I can always rely on Doug Walker to bring us images that I never want to fantasize.

The aunts, of course, seize the opportunity to make a buck out of this, and start charging money for people to see it.

Spiker: Oh, Sponge, a photographer!

NC: (voiceover) God, it's like someone put clown makeup on the Crypt Keeper.

Jjs: SsnPDYkYH99lLOHIDTVnAq-v1G9KJPP9546lRnJv

Clappy: We live in a society.

Rusty: I would joke about if Doug Walker shot Jimmy Fallon’s head off with a gun, live on NBC, in 4K Ultra Hi-Def (available in certain markets), he would still have fans, but let’s face it if he did actually do that he would gain a lot more fans. 

Spiker: (warns James) And don't even think of going near our peach.

Sponge: Remember, they never did catch that rhino!

NC: (voiceover) So while James is out doing...what else?

Aunts: Work, work, work, work, work!

Jjs: At least someone is, unlike a certain critic here.

Clappy: You don’t gotta go to work, work, work, work, WORK!

NC: (voiceover) He comes across one last piece of nuclear snot that allows him to climb inside the peach and apparently change his appearance. (The film turns to stop motion animation here.)

(James falls into the group of bugs.)

Centipede: ...in trouble!

NC: (voiceover) So it turns out the glowing turtle semen

Jjs: Another one to Doug’s fetish fantasy list!

Clappy: Once again, thanks for that Doug!

Rusty: well i am both disappointed and relieved he didn’t say Ninja Turtle Semen *puts hand over mouth*

made a bunch of the bugs bigger and able to talk, and it turns out that they all, coincidentally, want to go to New York. But they have to hurry fast or else the two evil aunts will come across them.

Spiker: Yoo-hoo! Where are you, boy?

Sponge: I think I hear a rhino out here!

NC: (voiceover) Boy, they really like playing that rhino card, don't they? 

Clappy: Says the guy who plays the same tag clips every three to four minutes.

For something that was vaguely explained in a millisecond, they sure do bring it up a lot.

Jjs: It’s the antagonist of the film, so no shit it’ll be mentioned a lot? Regardless, this is ironic coming from the guy who sure loves bringing up that he’s being held gunpoint to do this revi-*guns appear*

Rusty: i mean if a rhino killed my parents and i had a dickish bully, that rhino would be brought up a lot as well, sadly

Clappy: Welcome to the world of film, Doug. There are protagonists and antagonists. Antagonists do things that cause the protagonists to go on their journeys.  This is something that critics should know if they want to do this for a living.

(The Centipede cuts the stalk off the branch.)

Centipede: (whispering) Timber!

(Sponge and Spiker start screaming as the giant peach starts rolling away.)

NC: (voiceover) Oh, hey, great. The movie's suddenly turned into Marble Madness!

[The peach rolls through the village while the theme to Marble Madness plays in the background.]

Jjs: All of Doug’s movie references in this review feel more forced than usual, which what happens when you have no content or wit to give us here.

Clappy: Where’s The Fair Use when you need it.

Rusty: People like Doug (and every meme account ever) made the lawmakers writing that clause laugh out of the room.

NC: (voiceover) So the peach rolls out to the Atlantic Ocean, where it appears all they have to do is ride it all the way to New York City.

Rusty: Oh gee, I thought they would have to fly there

Centipede: I'll get us there!

Grasshopper: You?!?

Centipede: Sure! I've sailed all the five seas!

NC: (voiceover) But they have to look out, for a giant mechanical shark ship...Oh, don't act like you've never seen one.

Jjs: Have you? Pics or it didn’t happen.

Clappy: Don’t act like you’re even remotely paying attention to the movie.

Rusty: Sorry I don’t live near the ocean, Doug, and neither do you. No the great lakes don’t count.

NC: (voiceover) ...floats to the surface and tries to catch them.

(The robot shark shoots rockets at the peach.)

Captain Nemo (from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea ) We do our hunting and farming here, the sea supplies all my wants.

Rusty: hey this is like 20,000 leagues under the sea lets add a clip of that

NC: (voiceover) But James thinks up a pretty creative idea by roping all the seagulls he can find and using them to fly away.

Rusty: goddammit i was kidding

Jjs: Hoping he flies out of your show too while he’s at it.

Clappy: As creative as starting this review off with a gag about being in jail.

(The seagulls fly toward the sky.)

Seagulls (from Finding Nemo ) (audio) Mine mine mine mine mine mine!

Rusty: hey this is like...goddammit i don’t do the same joke twice in a row…....but i just did……...smeg

James: Go, seagulls!

Grasshopper: Put your backs into it!

(One of the harpoons gets stuck inside the spinning turbines of teeth the machine has. With the turbine clogged, the machine's inner mechanisms clash with each other and it explodes.)

NC: (voiceover) And if you're wondering where that giant harpooning metal shark came from or what his story was...good for you!

Rusty: this guy would demand a detailed 3-act structure from a sesame street segment that just consists of saying the letter R for 6 seconds

Jjs: In the original book, the shark was a normal one and not a mechanical hellbeast. It was a bit of an odd change but it also fit the morbid, uncanny style the film was going for, and it was only supposed to be a brief obstacle to James’ story, so...it’s not really a big deal? Did you want them to stop the film for a half hour and give us a deep philosophical backstory of where it came from, when it’s not even the main antagonist of the film? As we established already, even though he seems to not realize it, the rhino is supposed to be the main antagonist of the film. I could at least understand him pressing for its backstory more than this thing that’s only in the movie for not even 5 minutes.

Clappy: Thanks for the insight Doug. You sure do remember it so we don’t have to.

Bugs: Hooray!

NC: (voiceover) So as they start eating part of the peach because they're hungry, all the bugs decide to...

Centipede: (singing) I've eaten many strange and scrumptious dishes in my time...

NC: (voiceover; sighs) Really? We're singing a song about eating the goddamn peach?

Jjs: No, you can’t eat Princess Peach.

Centipede: (singing) These foods are rare beyond compare, and some right out of reach!

Jerry Seinfeld (from Seinfeld ) Newman!

Rusty: What is it, did Randy Newman shave your head while you were asleep, Doug?

Jjs: Complaining about how repetitive Randy Newman is by repeating this gag to mock him. I'm sure there was a point here somewhere.

Centipede: (singing) But there's no doubt I'd go without a million plates of each...

NC: (voiceover) I mean, not that I have a problem with them singing about this at all! I'm sure this does a great deal to further the story and give insight into the characters!

Jjs: We're learning about Centipede's diet, that's plenty of insight right there!

I'm just a little curious what other similar musical numbers they turned down to fit this one in! Such important songs like, "The Sky is Blue", "My Tongue is in My Mouth", "Butts Make Poo" 

Jjs: Could be worse, they could’ve cut out genius songs like “In the Floyd”, “Is There Anybody Who Cares?” and “The Song After This One Is Really Good”. 

Clappy: Don’t forget “So Long, Weird Song”; originally titled “Oscar Bait Song”.

and God knows what else! God, can you imagine what this movie would be like without these essential Randy Newman songs? No, but, GOD, I'm trying to!

Jjs: I can’t tell who got it worse in this “review”, the movie itself or Randy Newman.

Clappy: The correct answer is we, the viewers.

NC: (voiceover) So as the Spider starts to tuck James to sleep--or is she planning to eat him--

Rusty: goddammit doug, this is no time to indulge in your vore fetish

he finds out that she much prefers a life of being alone.

James: I think it's much nicer to have friends, don't you?

Miss Spider: I would not know.

James: They would be your friends, too. The others, I mean. If you'd just let them.

Miss Spider: No. It is in their nature to have fear of me. This I cannot change.

NC: (voiceover) Well, wait. When in any of the previous scenes did it indicate that they were afraid of her?

Jjs: Maybe it has to do with her being a giant fucking spider? I dunno man, boggles my mind too.

Or that she kept her distance? Or hell, even that she was quiet?!? She interacts with them, dances with them, (mocking) she even sings some of Randy's songs. So where's this sudden loner story arc coming from?

Clappy: Subtle question there Doug. Why don’t you try paying attention to the movie for a change instead of dicking around on your iPad trying to come up with bad jokes?

Jjs: Psst, it’s called a character trait we didn’t learn at first. It’s called subtly and layering, something this review lacks.

Rusty: so Doug demands that a fucking mechanical shark have a deep emotional backstory yet when he gets one, he doesn’t like it. There is no pleasing this guy.

Miss Spider: Now to sleep. You have had a very tired-making day.

NC: (voiceover; as Miss Spider) By the way, if I am sucking your brains out in the middle of the night, I apologize.

Jjs: No need to apologize, since you’ve already sucked out my brain with this review, but it's sweet you do care about us. I just feel bad for the James stans who are not getting this same type of gratitude. 

Clappy: How many fetishes can Doug fit in one review?  Let’s find out.

(James falls asleep on Miss Spider's web.)

NC: (voiceover) So James goes to sleep and has a dream, that he's...in Monty Python's Flying Circus.

(James has become a caterpillar with animation identical to the style often used in Monty Python.)

Nightmare Aunt Sponge: You can't crawl away from us!

(Caterpillar James runs away from the gas cylinder accompanied by music from Monty Python's Flying Circus and the giant foot thrown in for fun. The smoke turns into the rhino...and just as he's about to die...he wakes up.)

NC: (voiceover) Now, of course, that scene was necessary, because it needed to show that James is afraid of a giant rhinoceros that killed his parents. See, I'm glad they had this scene in the movie, because I NEVER would've put together that James was afraid of a giant rhinoceros that killed his parents!!!! Heck, I'm surprised Randy Newman didn't write a song about that!

Jjs: You see Doug, that there is a magical invention called a character arc. It’s there to remind us what the endgame is here for James’ story. Of course, given how sloppy and directionless this review has been, I guess I’m not surprised you can’t even understand something as simple as a consistent character arc.

Clappy: Heck, I’m surprised that Randy Newman has now become the target of all of Doug’s critiques with this review.

(A picture of Randy Newman is shown while the NC mockingly imitates a Randy Newman song that may have been appropriate for this scene.)

NC: (voiceover; as Randy Newman) Rhinos, they scare little boys, assassinating parents, don't bring them much joy, that's Randy....

Jjs: Another drinking game: Take a shot every time Doug shits on Randy Newman on this review. Get 911 on immediate speed dial.

Rusty: or use sprite or something

NC: (voiceover) But it turns out the Centipede led them in the wrong direction, and now they're in the Antarctic. 

Jjs: Pengu gang rise!

So they go underwater to see if they can find a compass to lead them in the right direction. They come across several pirate ships, including one that has the statue of his aunts in front of it...I don't get it…

Rusty: *facepalm*

Clappy: Subtlety Doug. It’s called subtlety. That’s like saying the characters that Dorothy came across in her journey in The Wizard of Oz didn’t remind her of people from her life. Of course I don’t expect you to get it since you’re focusing on beating up on Randy Newman 500 times.

Jjs: You don't wanna linger on that mysterious plot point any further or go into hysterics over it not being explained? Weird how he doesn't pad out this review in areas you'd expect him to, talk about subverting expectations. Maybe this review does have an inch of depth to it after all!

when they suddenly come across skeleton pirates, one of them played by Jack Skellington. Was this an incredibly clever cameo, or was Henry Selick just too cheap to make other puppets? Either way, it's pretty cool.

Jjs: Yes, it’s called an easter egg reference to a director’s previous work. You’re slowly learning, good!

Centipede: (being tortured) Listen, fellas, I got a long history of back problems...

NC: (voiceover; as Jack Skellington) Now...tell me what you know about Christmas Land!

Jjs: Yes Doug, we get it, there’s a Jack Skellington cameo. You didn’t even make a funny joke with this reference, by the way. As a fan of The Nightmare Before Christmas, please don’t drag it into this review either. 

NC: (voiceover; normal) But James and the Spider come to save him...just making up the law of underwater physics as they go...and manage to get the compass.

(James causes the Skeleton to trip and his head rolls off.)

Jack Skellington: (singing) And since I am dead, I can take off my head!

Jjs: Really having quite an internal struggle on if I feel bad for the movie, Randy Newman or Jack Skellington the most.

Clappy: For the last thirty seconds, Jack. For the last five minutes, Newman. For the last ten minutes, the movie. For the whole episode, us watching it.

(James and Miss Spider are pulled back onto the peach.)

Ladybug: Oh, thank goodness, you're alright!

Grasshopper: Mr. Centipede, would you please do us the honor of navigating us out of this icebox?

NC: (as Grasshopper) Seeing how you got us into this icebox!

Centipede: You said it, Mr. Grasshopper!

(The seagulls fly the peach out of the Antarctic.)

NC: (voiceover) So just as you're wondering if those birds ever need to eat or sleep,

Jjs: They’re carrying a giant ass peach, pretty sure the “eat” part is covered at least.

we see James come across a rather touching musical moment.

Clappy: You could call it, Awards Bait Song.

(James makes his way to the top of the peach where the Grasshopper is actually playing the violin quite beautifully.)

NC: Aw...well, that's nice, that's a very genuine moment. That's an enchanted musical scene that doesn't need to succumb to the typical Randy Newman formula…

Jjs: For someone who bitches about Randy Newman being repetitive, what do you call this, gang?

Clappy: Now back to feeling bad for Randy Newman again.

Grasshopper: (singing) Take a little time, just look at where we are...

Jerry Seinfeld (from Seinfeld ) NEWMAN!

Jjs: Adding Seinfeld to that internal struggle list. Maybe this review is driving me nuts, but I genuinely cannot stand all of these cutesy references. Sure, I make pop culture references in my riffs too, but I do it in a way where they at least service the criticisms I’m trying to make, or they're put in appropriately spaced out areas where there's not much to overtly criticize. These on the other hand all feel like obnoxious fluff to distract you from how little insight Doug is actually providing. 

Rusty: Or any actual jokes.

Clappy: Or structure.

Grasshopper: (singing) We've come very, very far, together!

Bugs: (singing) Love is the strangest thing.

(Centipede starts dancing with Miss Spider.)

NC: (voiceover) No, don't dance with her. It is in your nature to have fear of her!

Jjs: Jealous?

Clappy: Just like it's in your nature to review movies. Once again, it’s called a character arc, dumbass.

Rusty: OH YOU GET WHY THE SPIDER IS A LONER EARLIER NOW jesus I’m starting to become a  Nostalgia Critic analog. Not surprising considering that this is giving me nothing to work with other than Doug’s poor attempts at jokes.

Bugs: (singing) Love is the sweetest thing. Love does exactly what it wants to do.

(The peach begins to....rotate in outer space where mobile space contraptions and planets literally hang in midair like mobiles.)

NC: (voiceover) By the way, if you're wondering what all of those things flying around in the background are, guess what? Never explained. 

Jjs: It says as clear as day in the transcript: “mobile space contraptions and planets literally hang in midair like mobiles.”

But, that's not a bad thing! No, it makes about as much sense as, oh, I don't know, an unexplained giant rhinoceros killing some middle-aged people! 

Clappy: It makes as much sense as you not actually giving us any thoughts or insights as to the strengths or weaknesses of this movie.

But, it works! In a way I can't possibly explain at all! It still works, it still works!

Jjs: Does it work, work, work, work, WORK though?

Rusty: Doug, for the love of god, carefully pull your head out of your ass.

NC: (voiceover) So just when it looks like they've finally made it to their destination, they come across a rather unfriendly visitor.

Jjs: You sure that's not the Internet State Penitentiary knocking on your door? You've been past your curfew for a while now.

(Lightning flashes and storm clouds gather.)

Gozer (offscreen): Choose. Choose the form of the Destructor!

(Yes, the evil rhinoceros has come back.)

Clappy: Yes, the antagonist is still the antagonist. Good job Doug for pointing out the obvious!

Earthworm: Remember what your parents said, James!

NC: (confused) "Look out, a rhino!"?

Jjs: “Please don’t let Doug review this movie!”

Earthworm: "Try looking at it another way!"

Jjs: It was just so hard for him to wait one more line, wasn't it?

James: (bravely faces the Rhino) You're just a lot of smoke and noise!

NC: (voiceover) So the rhino zaps the birds, allowing the peach to fall.

(James falls into blackness, the peach follows and a "THE END" card appears, to the accompaniment of "Rhinos, they scare little boys" by NC as Randy Newman.)

Clappy: I can only wish that this was the actual end of this review.

Rusty: I wish I had something clever to say for that other than this sucks

NC: (voiceover) Actually, it lands on top of the Empire State Building, right dab in the middle of New York. 

Jjs: Yes, I think we all know where the Empire State Building is, Doug. Thanks for the geography lesson though.

Clappy: Maybe Doug really is who he consistently mocks...Michael Bay, pointing out obvious locations in movies.

Rusty: no really i thought it was in atlanta

And, just what exactly was that rhino that James said was only a bunch of smoke and noise? I don't know! I don't know. 

Jjs: Hey, finally some scant bit of integrity and honesty in this review!

All that buildup, then they never explained what he was running from that whole time. 

Jjs: He...he...does know the smoke chasing them WAS supposed to be a form of the rhino...right? Holy shit, for something you were supposedly forcing yourself to be positive on, he still managed to be ignorant to what was actually happening in the movie. I’d say I’m impressed, but he doesn’t deserve that compliment.

Rusty: hey you were the one who wanted the metaphors and shit

(Starts to shake with suppressed rage and growls through clenched teeth.) 

Clappy: So Doug Walker every Wednesday for an episode of the Nostalgia Critic.

Jjs: The fact someone wrote that action out is the funniest part of this whole review.

And that's...just...FINE! So after James changes back to his normal self, the aunts come in and try to take back what they claim is rightfully theirs. But James isn't going to have any of that.

Spiker: This is all something he dreamed up!

James: (stands defiantly on top of a nearby car) Well, maybe it started that way, as a dream, but doesn't everything? Those buildings, these lights, this whole city! Somebody had to dream about it first. And maybe that's what I did.

(NC looks at James in awe and salutes him while "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" plays.)

Jjs: REFERENCES! Hey, do you guys forgive me yet!?

Clappy: Once again, Where’s The Fair Use.

James: I dreamed about coming here, then I did it.

Spiker: You're going home with us!

James: No! Not this time! I flew the giant peach across the ocean...

(NC continues to show his appreciation.)

Rusty: Geez, okay Two-Face.

James: ...I landed on top of the tallest building in the world. I made it! I'm not the one who's nothing; you are!

Jjs: Because I did what everyone said a kid couldn't do! I made it to Shell City, and I beat the Cyclops, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown back! If Doug wants to shoehorn in as many references as possible, then two can play at that game.

(A clip from Rocky IV plays in slow motion, where a theater audience rises and starts applauding. NC salutes again and wipes a tear from his eye.)

Jjs: Please, no tears, your character didn't have an emotional arc throughout this review to warrant this moment...and because we should be the ones crying.

Spiker: How dare you speak to us this way!

(Sponge and Spiker grab two axes.)

NC: Jesus, ladies!

Clappy: Says the guy who constantly uses a gun as a prop for “comedic purposes”.

(They start going after James with the axes.)

NC: (imitating Jack Torrance from The Shining) Here's PEACHY!

Jjs: Final list of everyone and everything I felt bad for in this review: the movie itself, Randy Newman, Jack Skellington, Seinfeld, The Shining and us, the riffers. Out of ‘em, Randy Newman definitely got the most shit on, poor guy. Moral of this review: Don’t have Doug and Randy Newman anywhere together or it'll get ugly.

NC: (voiceover) But it turns out the bugs come in to save the day. The city can't believe their eyes.

Rusty: wdym, It’s New York City, you see weird shit there all the time

(Miss Spider throws her silk over the aunts.)

NC: (voiceover) So they pull the two aunts up and wrap them up in web, no doubt suffocating them to death. 

Rusty: Hmm, surprised you didn’t make a bigger deal about that, considering that’s an actual fetish.

I love how the police officer, all this time, is like "Yeah, I'm gonna allow this."

Rusty: I'm glad he didn't try to go for a police brutality joke here at least.

(The people of New York start cheering.)

NC: (voiceover) So everybody brings out the confetti they've been holding onto for God knows what reason, 

Jjs: Probably for when this review was over.

Clappy: When did this review even start?

Rusty: You never heard of a Ticker-Tape parade, Doug?

and James becomes a hero, telling all the kids on the block his tale.

Miss Spider: (coming out of the house wearing a chef's hat) James, dinner is ready.

James: All right, nearly finished.

NC: (voiceover; mimicking James) And then, an exciting unexplained anticlimax with a rhino.

Rusty: You are never gonna get over that, huh.

(The movie ends)

NC: And that's James and the Giant Peach. It's fantastic, glorious, stupendous! (Pause) But if I was to find some fault with it... (The guns are whipped out again.) Just hear me out, just hear me out!

Clappy: Hear you out? This was literally over twenty minutes of no real analysis.

Jjs: Why should we hear you out when you’ve admitted none of this review is genuine? Enough with the horsing around and bluntly say what you actually believe. I genuinely would have more respect if you had just shat on this, I’m serious. It at least would’ve been more honest than this soulless, confused snorefest.

(A montage of clips from the movie play as NC gives his final thoughts.)

NC: (voiceover) I would say that while the film is creative, it's also pretty clumsy. 

Jjs: I think you forgot to add some guns.

Clappy: My actual thoughts too...everything else coming up that Doug shares thought wise on the other hand….

A lot of stuff doesn't add up, a lot of scenes go nowhere, the songs are pretty forgettable,

Jjs: How can that possibly be? I mean, you sure hammered in your hateboner for Randy Newman every 5 seconds into our skulls. Hard to believe he’d forget them after that.

Rusty: No, no, no, no, no, Doug, Doug, Doug, you can’t fucking make an actual review that sounds like you still have integrity and a soul after what you just pulled. That’s like if they let Barry Bonds continue, bad example, It’s like if they continued to let Roman Polansk-, bad example, it’s like if...if…..iff………………...spoot.

and the live-action stuff is surprisingly more over-the-top than the animated stuff. What they change from the book actually raises more questions than it does simplify things, which results in it being both weird and confusing. 

Jjs: So why did you feign confusion over elements you knew were changed from the book? Would’ve been helpful to tell your audience that for background knowledge, but I get it, acting bewildered over a cloud rhino and mechanical shark was such a knee slapper that you didn’t want to rewrite the script, plus all of your integrity died with this review anyways.

Clappy: Where did all this come from? You played dumb and stupid on everything up to this point but you actually knew this entire time? How inept are you at your job?

Rusty: I’m actually pretty sure he played dumb just for the sake of comedy. In other words, he’s Homer Simpson-levels of inept at his job.

But with that said, the animation is very good, the designs are a lot of fun, and even things like those cheesy sets actually do have sort of a strange charm to them. You also have to give the film credit that it didn't need to resort to pop-cultural references as a lot of animated films were doing at that time. It was at least trying to tell a timeless story.

Clappy: Says the guy who used at least twenty pop culture references in this review. Who’s more timeless now Doug? 

Rusty: Yeah, you did all those pop culture references yourself, Doug Funnie, so you can’t really talk, dude. 

Jjs: Welp, I hope you James stans enjoyed these kind words of wisdom to your movie. Hope it was more worth your price of attention than ours.

So is it for me? No. But I can see why it has an audience. The stuff that's neat is still pretty neat, and there's a lot of things in the movie that could be considered very impressive. 

Jjs: Could be, but I’m still split if I want to be nice to this movie or not at the end of the review! Hey, do you guys forgive me yet!?

So I guess I can't really fault people for enjoying something that does give way to a lot of imaginative scenarios. It may be flawed, but I think we all know that you're going to get a great big dose of something really creative. 

Jjs: Something that you certainly did not have on display here, yes.

Rusty: Man, if only you acted like this throughout the entire review, then you may actually be respected by anyone who is over the age of 17.

And that's all I've got to say about that. There! Have I restored anything in your guy's eyes?

Clappy: In more ways than one, that’s a no for me dog.

Jjs: It’s this utter pretentiousness and entitlement right here with the “HEY DO YOU GUYS FORGIVE ME YET?” that’s what pisses me off so much about this review. It’s like Doug is grabbing your shoulders through the screen, shaking them repeatedly and yelling “LIKE THIS REVIEW PLEASE!” to your face.

Rusty: REMEMBER TO LIKE COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE! 

(Beat)

Douchey McNitpick: (offscreen) He says he didn't like the movie!

Clappy: Douchey McNitpick. The real Doug Walker.

Rusty: When the world needed him most...he vanished.

Guy offscreen: Kill him.

Rusty: We tried but he came back to life.

Jjs: GET THE LIFEGUARD!

[Once more, the guns appear. The Critic screams, the screen goes black and gunshots are heard.]

The End

Jjs: The real series finale that we all deserve.

Channel Awesome Tagline: Aunts: Work, work, work, work, WORK!

Clappy: Let my body do the work, work, work, work, WORK! We can work from home.

Jjs: Indeed, Doug needs to work a lot harder to do a better “apology” than this rotting peach of a review. That was one of Doug’s most soulless, hackish, unfunny, condescending, entitled, and directionless reviews ever. The reason this review exists makes it fundamentally broken at its core. Even without having to rewatch the movie in question, I could tell he did James dirty. In my view, this is the one review that killed any credibility or integrity Doug had as a reviewer. He literally admits he doesn’t like or want to do the movie he’s reviewing...and yet forces himself to give a cynical “positive review” that's barely one anyways. I’m not sure how his fanbase ate this up as a delicious cherry on top apology in 2011. This is why critics should state what they genuinely believe instead of “pandering”, because it makes you come off like a spineless hack. Or y’know, he could’ve just not reviewed it, I’m sure there were a lot of other movies people would’ve accepted as an “apology review.” Seriously, were THAT many people begging him to review this? You can’t even call it “pandering” because he flip flops every other line if he wants to be kind to the movie or not, it’s such a clumsy review it can’t even do that properly. His actual attempts at criticism were lousy again, and good lord, I could not stand any of his jokes and references. They were all there to distract you from how Doug had nothing to say, something he masters well in his post-revival reviews. It’s ironic, in “apologizing” for Bart’s Nightmare, he made a review I hated more than that. At least Bart's Nightmare knew what it wanted to be. Sadly, Doug would not learn his lesson from doing “damage control” reviews, because I’ll give a cryptic tease and say there will be another similar one we’ll be covering later on that’s even more smug. That was our last review of Doug’s “golden era”, a term you can see that was quite generous now in hindsight. It’s no wonder Doug ended the show a year later, since it was clear even here he was low on steam. This was probably the toughest riff because of how confused the review was and how little Doug had to say. Next time we meet, we’ll be taking a look at the first of Doug’s post-return reviews, which is where a lot of people tend to agree is where he declined in quality, although as you saw from these first three riffs, there wasn’t a huge bar to decline from. I’m Jjs, and we the people riff the Nostalgia Critic so you don’t have to watch him!

Rusty: There isn’t much else to be said that hasn’t already been said. Although maybe he was trying to challenge himself into thinking, “hey maybe i can make something even worse which makes my other blunder ok by comparison.” Seriously, this is downright one of the worst “Apology Videos” I have ever seen. At least people like Shane Gilles and Ryan Leaf know how to make non-apologies sound like apologies, this is just bleh. I’m Rusty, I like space suits, and that’s going to be important because next up on the Chronicles is Sailor Moon, and I’m gonna be here for whatever that will be. Y’all better pray. See ya.

Clappy: Yeah, I got nothing else to add to this other than this was the beginning of a trend that still continues to this day of Doug shelving out lazy, uninspired hot takes in the form of “film criticism” just for clickbait. And just like they are now, this was uninteresting and Doug not even trying to show any actual film criticism and just make a bunch of bad jokes and half-assed pop culture references. But when Doug does finally give out actual criticism towards this movie in question, he provides nitpicky criticism that affects his overall judgment of the film in question that can be easily defeated by whether you, the viewer, paid more attention to the actual movie in question. In comparison to Doug, who was probably watching this with his brother Rob and just letting the two of them go back and forth with jokes for this review instead of actually paying attention to the film’s storyline progression. I guess that’s why he remembers it so we don’t have to. Except we do. Because we were actually watching it. And your review of it sucked.

 

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Episode IV: Sailor Moon

Spoiler

Filmquisition: December 2014

Jjs: Before we get into the review, let’s just recap: This is our first review we’ll be covering of Doug’s post-revival era, as we jump to August 2013. He originally ended his show for a bit in late 2012, but Channel Awesome traffic declined, and like a twisted puppeteer, the management made Doug rise the show from the grave. While welcomed back warmly at first, people even at the time took notice of a huge, notable change in these reviews: skits. Lots, lots, and lots of skits. Reeling from the failure of Demo Reel, he decided to incorporate its skit format into his reviews, unable to let go. He brought on two actors from Demo Reel, Malcolm Ray and Rachel Tietz (later replaced by Tamara Chambers in 2014 onward) to do these skits with, who we have nothing against and are just trying to make a paycheck, you can’t fault ‘em. They are not the problem with the skits. These skits have gone on to become of the most despised parts of this era’s reviews because they are seen as unfunny fluff that only exist to pad out the episode runtime to distract you from Doug's lack of substance, which is exactly what they are. One other notable change is that he no longer reviews material that is specifically “nostalgic” and covers newer movies, but if I can be honest, I personally feel this issue is overblown. Yes, it's a bit of a copout he’s no longer a “Nostalgia” Critic, but in his rare defense, the longer you go, the material of what truly is defined as “nostalgic” kinda becomes a lot blurred and he had to branch out eventually (although this has its own issues we’ll get to). There’s a lot more problems his reviews have, such as how Doug is still not a good writer or reviewer, despite how many flashy aesthetics and distractions he throws to make you think otherwise, nor is he still able to actually make serious points. The review we’re about to cover demonstrates that perfectly.

This review will be weird for me to look back on because I recall it coming out around the time I got into him, and at the time I remember this episode was quite controversial amongst the anime community and Sailor Moon fans. Even when I first saw this review, something about it always felt wrong to me. While I didn’t pay too much mind to them at the time, there’s quite a few horrible “jokes” in here as Doug tries to educate us on...pedophilia and Japanese culture. Yeah, this went as well as you expected it to. For all you weebs, here’s another episode for you. Now, once again to show some actual integrity, I must admit my knowledge on Sailor Moon overall is scarce to put it mildly. I saw one season of it years ago. It was fine, but I honestly remember nothing of it by this point, it essentially went in one ear and out the other. But I like that me and my opponent are on an equal playing field here when it comes to our knowledge of what’s being reviewed, so it’ll make for an interesting match. With that said, Kat is more enlightened on Sailor Moon lore than the rest of us so she’ll have an expert’s view of what’s wrong here.

OWM: I’m back...in black. Well, more like a really dark purple. Anyway, I’m here again for my second riff, hopefully better than the first. Give us your worst, Doug.

Rusty: Hello, I am here once again, and I didn’t really pay attention to his later reviews when they came out, despite me being into NC from around 2013 to about 2017. For half of that time, I only paid attention to his earlier reviews cause they were shorter and stuff. Maybe, I don’t know, anything before 2016 for me is really, really hazy, and I haven’t even watched Sailor Moon since I was a baby so yeah this is gonna be a very weird one for me to riff.

Ah, what the hell, let’s jump in.

Kat: *deep sigh* 

Okay, quick story time. When I was a kid, I LOOOVED Sailor Moon. I have fond memories of renting the movies from Blockbuster (RIP) and the anime will always hold a special place in my heart. Which is to say...I am so ready to roast Doug for this. In the name of the moon (and the other planets), I will punish him.

(After the opening, we open on a scientist (Malcolm Ray) writing on a whiteboard while thunder and lightning crash.)

Jjs: I don’t really have any other way to open this riff other than by saying I do kinda feel pity that Malcolm and Tamara are obligated to still do these skits.

OWM: BLACK GUY! WOMAN! GET IN HERE

Rusty: Thunderbolts and lightning VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME 

Nostalgia Critic: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Jjs: Hello, I’m Jjs and I riff you so nobody else has to watch you!

OWM: Hello, I’m the open window maniac, who riffs it to teach people a valuable lesson. Boogedy boogedy boo, hide your seaweed medleys or something.

Rusty: Hey Vsauce! Michael here. *dies from the cringe of making that joke*

Kat: Fuck you Doug I will happily remember Sailor Moon.

(The doctor giggles) Right now, I'm in the laboratory of Dr. Hack, the master of formulas.

Jjs: Something tells me we’re going to need to see his doctorate.

Rusty: He got it by hacking into the pentagon as a kid with his iPad.

OWM: There are two hacks in that lab, actually. Can you guess who the second one is?

Kat: Did he get his MD from Trump University? 

Not scientific formulas, not mathematical formulas, but television formulas. (Dr. Hack laughs) 

Rusty: Although not the formula for funny.

Jjs: This esteemed "doctor" is using his gift to make television formulas instead of math or science. It’s no wonder education in this country is a mess.

Any TV show that has a formula that's been repeated over and over and over, he's the guy that came up with it. Watch this. (He turns to the doctor) Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Jjs: It’s morphing time! I call on the power of: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR!

Rusty: Import stuff from Japan and hire a dude who can fucking SHRRRRRRRED a bitchin’ g’tar solo

Dr. Hack: Bland teens fight Putty Patrol, then monster, then giant monster in giant robot. (as he says this, his assistant (Rachel Tietz) holds up a drawing of teenagers + monster = Power Rangers)

NC: Home Improvement.

Jjs: Today we’ll be taking a look at that hideous yellow wall in Doug’s room.

Rusty: Have a bad conservative comedian do this for half an hour:

Hack: Toolman screws up, neighbor gives advice, Toolman gets advice wrong, but Toolman's forgiven anyway. (Tim Allen + Neighbor = Tool Time)

NC: Scooby-Doo.

Jjs: Jeepers gang, we’ve got an overly long skit on our hands!

Rusty: Five middle-aged teenagers go around and solve mysteries yet never come to the mystery of how they never age.

Hack: It's always the person in the opening you forgot about. (Cop + Vampire = Scooby saying "Got Ra!")

Jjs: Let’s give Scooby-Doo some credit, there were a few cases where my young mind was stumped, certainly more brain power required than most of Doug’s content.

Kat: Scooby-Doo, you put She-Ra down this instant!

NC: (To the audience) Inspector Gadget, 

Rusty: Oh ho ho- *gets cut off*

Captain Planet, 

Rusty: Say to hell with nuance and fuck over the reputation of environmentalists for the next 30 years...and also inspire anarchists to kill Ted Tur*BEEEEE*plant trees.

Everyone Loves Raymond.

Jjs: Since when did Everyone Loves Raymond have a formula? Strange choice of all shows you could’ve made this joke with.

Rusty: Have Ray Romano sound like Al Michaels for 30 minutes. 

Hack: Everybody actually hates Raymond. He should've divorced that bitch and her family long ago. (Raymond going "Nyeeeah")

Kat: actually, Everybody Hates Chris. I thought you were supposed to be an expert on television ? 

NC: If it's a formula that's gotten more and more popular through its repetition, he's the guy that thought of it. 

Jjs: Ah ha, so this is where Nostalgia Critic originated from! I'm glad my itch for the Doug Walker lore has been scratched here.

OWM: NOSTALGIA CRITIC!

Unfunny skit at the beginning, overlong summary of the whole movie with more skits in between, some sort of comedic freakout at the end. Overall, never actually reviews the movie, funnily enough.

Kat: I’m bored, can you fast forward to the part where you dump on a show without doing proper research now? 

Rusty: *repeats what the last three said for emphasis*

And right now, I've hired him to think of an idea so that I can lazily repeat it over and over and make money beyond my wildest dreams!

Jjs: You already have it. :funny: 

Hack: Eureka! Eureka!

Assistant: What?

Hack: Oh, there you are, Eureka. Get ready to jot down my latest formula.

Jjs: Come on, don’t tell me you guys aren’t appreciating this artisan comedic genius.

Rusty: *gags*

NC: You got it?

Hack: Yes, and it's going to make us millions.

Jjs: After Channel Awesome’s remaining budget goes bust, Doug and Rob decide to save their financial situation by making meth in an RV. I call it: Breaking Bad.

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NC: Well, that's wonderful. Let's hear it!

Hack: 14-year old girl acts stupid, uses magical powers to look slutty and stupid, 

Jjs: Oh that’s real nice, starting off with slut shaming. 

Kat: And here. We. Go. *balls hands into fists*

Rusty: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I make pedophilic jokes so you don’t have to!

(NC's smile starts to fade)

Jjs: Can he fade out of there too while we’re at it, or is that asking too much?

talking cat tells her how to fight crime because she's so stupid, surrounds herself with smarter girls that make her look even more stupid--

Jjs: Grown adult acts stupid, uses reviewing skills to look professional and stupid, talking penis tells his young self how to love animated teenage girls because he’s so stupid-whoops, spoilers!

Kat: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and I think shitting on teenage girls is funny! 

And it’s STUPIDER, not more stupid. Now who’s the dummy?

NC: That's Sailor Moon.

Hack: What?

NC: The formula you're describing, it's Sailor Moon.

OWM: I miss CNF.

Jjs: If he had removed the “talking cat” part, I feel like his mind would be a lot more stumped on figuring this one out because the rest of that could describe a lot of magical girl shows. I'd suggest that's on the cutting room floor somewhere but that also suggests Doug spent any further time editing these skits.

Kat: The show is truly about love, friendship, and fighting for what you believe in, but it wouldn’t be an NC review if he could actually understand nuance!

Rusty: What do you expect with someone constantly shitting on everything, even good things.

Hack: (He looks at the whiteboard, then back to NC) Do they have a villain that keeps attacking the same town?

NC: Yes...

Hack: Do they have a tedious romance with a magic boyfriend?

NC: (getting more annoyed) Yes...

Hack: Do they repeat the same animation?

NC: Worse than Hanna-Barbera!

Jjs: Once again, Doug complaining about something being repetitive is true irony in its purest, most concentrated form.

Rusty: I mean, it’s an anime...

Hack: And it was successful?

NC: It's one of the most popular animes of all time!

Hack: Hmm... Eureka? (Sailor + Moon = $) Oh, dear. Well, this is embarrassing. 

Jjs: Don’t worry, if anyone sues, I know who to call:

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Since Doug is gonna keep beating us over the head with references, I'm going to play his game so we truly are on an equal level.

Um... Well, how about this one? Three obnoxiously perfect girls are raised by three obnoxiously perfect men in a house in San Francisco... and not one of them is gay!

(NC leaves and heads to his desk)

Jjs: Right, I forgot Full House also used to suffer the wrath of his hateboners. I'm presuming this amazingly written skit only existed so that could be the punchline.

NC: Well, while we're on the subject, why was something as repetitive as Sailor Moon so successful?

Rusty: The actual reason will not be discussed here.

Jjs: Before you “educate” us on that, while we’re on the subject, why was something as repetitive and monotonous as Nostalgia Critic so successful? Riddle me that before you riddle me this!

OWM: How much of this review is just him projecting, you think?

(Clips of the show play along with the theme song)

NC (vo): I remember when it first aired in America. It was an export from Japan, which I think was originally called "Magical Girl Squad Robo Dance Yes". (shows a poster of Sailor Moon with that title) 

Jjs: *cricket chirps*

Kat: Good one, now when do the jokes start? 

Not quite as familiar with anime as Americans are today, a lot of people just saw it as "Speed Racer" with tits. 

Jjs: Kind of a strange description to give to a show that you acknowledged has a 14 year old as the main protagonist but…

OWM: You mean your mind doesn’t immediately wander to underage tits when you think of a children’s anime? 

Kat: I’m sorry, I don’t recall the show being about Serena racing cars. Silly Doug...did you watch a different anime?

Rusty: He was too busy looking at underaged breasts, Kat.

What we didn't understand was that the audience for this was growing more and more rabid. 

Rusty: You can talk.

Jjs: It almost makes you want to make a ton of creepy jokes about animated teenagers, doesn’t it?

And whether for its campiness or actual enjoyment of the story, it was becoming an underground hit, for kids (picture of a little girl dressed as Sailor Moon),

Jjs: You know, 4Kids!

teens (picture of people dressed up as Sailors Moon, Neptune, Mars, Pluto, and Mini-Moon, as well as Tuxedo Mask), and that creepy guy who fixes your computer (picture of a larger man with a beard dressed as Sailor Moon).

Rusty: I tried looking for that infamous ProJared as Sailor Mercury image but I had to be stopped because that would violate the geneva conventions.

Jjs: Fine, I'll give Doug some credit for outing Harvey Weinstein 4 years before anyone else did.

NC: So, what is the secret formula, and why did it catch on with so many? 

Jjs: THE SECRET FORMULA IS PLANKTON!

Kat: Sugar, spice, and everything nice. None of which you possess.

Well, let's start at the very beginning.

Jjs: Ah shit, Dr. Hack has a time travel machine!? Hold your horses, we didn’t sign up for this!

NC (vo): You'll quickly notice that, like many animes, the best parts of the show aren't in the action, the characters, the story, or the writing. 

Rusty: Then where is it then.

Jjs: Without knowing what comes next, I would not blame one soul on the planet if they thought “it’s the fanservice” would follow this. Given how the rest of this review goes, it’s a fair guess to make.

Kat: I would absolutely disagree. The show has a bunch of relatable and endearing characters. But you’d rather slut-shame and call them stupid. *shrugs*

It's in the goddamn opening theme song.

Rusty: oh thank god i thought he was gonna say tits again

Jjs: Doug only wishes his opening theme was anywhere near the godly quality of most anime openings.

OWM: I think a lot of studios can take inspiration from Doug, actually. Seriously, is there anything that screams “media critic” more than the most un-intimidating man pointing a gun at you?

Theme song: She will never turn her back on her friends/She is always there to defend

Rusty: 2Clat1OKQTvsqxhi6w8WZhM5a6R58bvv9m9_xMiB

Jjs: Present day Doug is certainly gonna be bitter over this line.

NC (vo): Not only is the beat catchy as hell, but look at this animation. Look at the visuals.

Rusty: how

Jjs: Ignoring the fact we obviously can’t “look”, why do you need to tell us this anyways? Do you not have enough faith in your viewers to pay attention? Not that I’d blame him, but still.

It's like a Van Gogh of anime kid openings.

Rusty: I feel like Van Gogh just rolled over in his grave over you mentioning his name. 

(noticing that the background in one scene is Starry Night) In fact, there's even a Van Gogh in it! Don't ask why, I don't care, it's freaking awesome! I'll allow it!

Jjs: It’s rumored this was also his same mantra when inquired about if the jokes he makes in this episode were a “good idea.”

Kat: I’m just surprised you’re actually saying something nice, so I guess I’ll return the favor.

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...yeah, I’ll have to get back to you on that. 

Theme song: Sailor Venus! Sailor Mercury! Sailor Mars! Sailor Jupiter!

NC (vo): I guess the only downside is the obvious American additions.

Jjs: Those gosh dang westerners. Could’ve been worse, you could've had a lulzy 4Kids dub to tackle. Be grateful that didn’t happen or you would’ve had a heck of an easy target on your hands.

Like this pointless Star Wars-style scroll. Yeah, because that's what girls watching this show are really into. Star Wars!

Rusty: Well now I know you’re into nonchalant sexism...ass.

Jjs: Just wait another two years, pal.

Kat: Girls being into Sailor Moon AND Star Wars? Impossible. 

They go so hand in hand, I'm surprised Lucas didn't release a more feminine version with Serena doing Darth Vader.

Jjs: Somewhere from beyond the stars, the Fandom Menace is cancelling Doug over his forced feminist agenda.

(All of Vader's lines are replaced with Serena's lines)

Serena: Did you hear? There's a new Sailor V video game out! I saw it on TV!

Agent: Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship.

Serena: Oh, yeah.

Agent: And no transmissions were made.

Serena: How can that be? My mom finds out, she'll ground me and cut my allowance!

Agent: An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No lifeforms were aboard.

Serena: (sad) I can't believe this! Oh-ho! Ohhh! What am I gonna do-o-o-o? (suddenly happy) We can get ice cream!

Agent: Yes, sir!

Rusty: swing and a miss X

Jjs: This is one instance where Star Wars definitely does not mix with other pop culture. Truthfully, I never found this “gag” funny even in 2013. Cringe.

OWM: I have a bad feeling about this.

Kat: lOsQr8DE0sk--alnwCerTTFv4MjogCxrSkFo00V-

NC (vo): See if you can spot where else the Americans made some changes. 

Jjs: What will you do if we do, give us a cookie? Give us some incentive at least!

They're so subtle, I'll doubt you'll ever notice where they geniously slipped them in. (clips of the show play in the opening as various backgrounds flash) Yeah, unbelievably natural, if you were going less for action packed adventure and more for Saved By the Bell credits.

(Saved By the Bell theme plays over the Sailor Moon opening)

Jjs: Star Wars and now Saved by the Bell. Two things that do not mix with this review. 

Rusty: strike two

NC (vo): But you quickly discover, in many respects, that is what the show is going for. At first, it seems like it's gonna be a big, albeit audience-insultingly rushed space battle between cosmic planet...people...folk.

Jjs: Those “cosmic planet people folk” have names and families, how rude!

Narrator: A thousand years ago, our moon was home to a great civilization ruled by Queen Serenity.

NC: Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked!

(Clip of the Fire Nation Army is shown from the opening of Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Jjs: ...add Avatar to that list too. :bruh: 

Rusty: ...ok, I’ll give you a ball for that one, but you’re on strike two

Narrator: Until the arrival of the evil Queen Beryl. Although her world was destroyed, Queen Serenity's last hope was the power of the Empyrean Silver Crystal and the Crescent Moon Wand.

Queen Serenity: Only this crystal and wand can combat the power of the Negaforce!

NC (vo): Yeah... Look, show, even if you pretend you have a story that matters beyond people who see a high-class meal as a flaming Hot Pocket,

Rusty: aaaand he’s out

Actual attempts at comedy that all go completely flat. Nothing but the finest from Doug.

you still have to follow up all that supposed epicness with this.

(Serena's alarm clock rings, waking her up)

Serena: AAH! Oh, no, I'm late for school again!

Jjs: I don’t know man, following up that lore with introducing the main protagonist respects that tension pretty well, I'd say. It's okay though, you gotta have a high, galaxy brain ascended IQ to appreciate this, and it’s certainly more tension than the life of Doug Walker.

NC (vo): Yeah, I bet you thought this was going to be a big space opera with action, drama, and exotic locations. 

Rusty: and it won’t be if you’re lazy about it and only watch like 3 episodes

Jjs: Except...it did? I know I only watched one season, but from what I recall, they had quite a few exotic locations, there was obviously space opera action, and there was definitely plenty of drama. I guess this is what happens when you have a knee jerk reaction from only one episode though.

Kat: Bro the show has all of that. How many episodes did you watch? 

But nope! It's just your common English-speaking town that has everything in Japanese for some reason.

OWM: Nothing beats a jelly donut!

Jjs: Real dick move to diss Japan even after they did this for you:

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That kind of attitude will get you edited out faster than Jeans Guy in Mando.

Kat: Forget the fact that even in real life, there are buildings and signs that have text in different languages even if people do speak English. Ever been to Canada?

Serena's mom: Serena!

Serena: I gotta go!

Serena's mom: Aren't you forgetting something, dear?

NC: Oh, yeah! Your nose! (Cartoon nose is superimposed on Serena's nose-lacking face) Everyone's forgetting those around here.

OWM: You forgot your nose too, Doug:

Happy Red Nose Day UK (The Nostalgia Critic) by Supergirl9691 on DeviantArt

NC (vo): This is Serena, a ditsy clod who has no idea she is one of the reincarnations of the Sailor Scouts. She's just your everyday gigantic-eye blond Japanese girl who constantly keeps flunking her exams.

Jjs: I know the first dub is pretty iconic and nostalgic in its own right, but the fact Doug is using Usagi’s dub name and doesn’t make one reference to any character’s original name, is pretty telling of how once again, little research he did prior. At least try to make it look like you gave a shit. Weird how for his post-return era, he’s still repeating his oblivious dumbass schtick. Almost like...he hasn’t evolved as a reviewer, even after that well deserved vacation. ?

Kat: There’s only one ditsy clod here and it’s not the leader of the Sailor Scouts. And the girl had her memory wiped. Can you blame her for not knowing she’s a fucking princess of the moon who has powers for fighting evil?

Molly: Aw, chill out, Serena. It's just one lousy test. It's not like it's the end of the world or something.

NC: (as Serena) You don't understand! I'm Japanese! To me, failure is everything!

Rusty: I actually expected the racism from Doug, however. Not like that makes it better or anything...ass.

Jjs: Apologies to Japanese people everywhere. All I remembered walking away from this review was the awful attempts to address pedophilia, completely forgot the awful attempts at cultural appropriation too.

OWM: Failure and pedophilia: the two cornerstones of Japanese culture. Personally, I feel very educated.

Kat: I guess we should be grateful he didn’t attempt an offensive accent to go along with the stereotyping.

Serena: You don't get it, Molly. If my mom finds out I flunked that test, I won't get to play the new Sailor V game!

NC (vo): Being pretty as sin and dumb as cheese, she, of course, is very popular in school, obtaining all sorts of friends. Like an over-the-top accent with a human attached to it…

Kat: Did a popular blonde girl hurt your feelings in middle school or what? This genuinely feels like bullying. You’re dumping on a 2D character for no reason. 

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Molly: (gasp) That's weird! Very weird!

Kat: The reason why Molly had an “over-the-top” Brooklyn accent was because in the original Japanese series, Molly (aka Naru) had a regional Kansai accent and they had to figure out a way to translate that for an American audience. I know other dubs of animes like Azumanga Daioh and Magical Doremi used a Southern accent in place of the Osakan one. Again, you would know this if you DID THE RESEARCH.

NC (vo): ...and the awkward years of Dr. Insano's puberty.

Rusty: I’m sure Spoony appreciates the $8 you gave him for that reference. 

Jjs: You know, for as much Doug loved to reference his fellow reviewers on Channel Circlejer-I mean, Awesome, I doubt most normies knew what he was referring to with this line. Because I sure didn’t at the time. It’s like the MCU in complete reverse.

Melvin: You're going shopping? What's more important than your grades? (voice switches to Dr. Insano) Science, of course!

Rusty: I’m sure Spoony also appreciates the $8 you gave him for that voiceover. Even though it was the same $8.

NC (vo): When not hanging out with these frightening adolescent creations, 

Rusty: and you are...?

Jjs: What’s so damn scary about them, afraid they’ll kick your ass?

Gerard Way—I mean, Doug: 9oHOoRJSDCc-t3ghvS9NnVzfneZhFHJtr-r3YQh6

she spends most of her time solving her problems by intelligently ignoring them and finding more ways to spend her mother's money.

Rusty: what did you do as a teen then, on second thought don’t tell me

Jjs: Well, she is only 14 YEARS OLD, after all!

Kat: “When I was 14, I was busting my rump in a textile factory! I may have lost a finger in a spinning machine accident, but damn it, it gave me a work ethic that you whippersnappers just don’t have today.”

Melvin: I heard about your test. Want me to be your tutor?

Molly: She doesn't need a tutor; she needs a trip to the mall to get her mind off it.

Serena: I could use some new pink barrettes for my hair.

NC: (as Serena) Education just gives you wrinkles!

Rusty: hey hey hey i called you out why are you still batting

Jjs: Come on man, surely there had to be better jokes you could’ve made than that...on second thought remembering what most of his review’s “humor” consists of never mind, stick to that one.

Kat: stupid girls who like shopping and barrettes! Aren’t they DUMB?

NC (vo): She also seems to get in fights with an attractive boy named Darien.

Jjs: Seems to, but we can never be sure since I’m only basing my opinion off of one single episode! Hey, I'm a professional serious critic, right!?

Darien: What was that you were saying about someone totally cool? But we can be sure it isn't you. Shouldn't you be going home and doing your homework, Meatball-Head?

NC: Hey, that is clearly an insult to meatballs.

Rusty: please do not mention your meatballs ever again

OWM: It’s an insult to Italians everywhere, one of Earth’s most oppressed racial groups. I appreciate Doug for taking such a firm stance on this issue, knowing his background.

GxHWMGTm0pV__Kx6sTLSH_8huHytSjTHn9xefBgk

Plus, it’s better than talking about wanting to screw underage girls, too.

Darien: Ha-ha!

Serena: Well, how's this for inspiration?! YOU'RE A CREEP, DARIEN!! YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT BEING COOL!!!

NC (vo): (sarcastic) Wow, they really seem like polar opposites and hate each other to the core. They hook up? (red caption appears on-screen reading "NO FUCKING SHIT!")

Jjs: That caption maker did not get paid enough for this, I can tell.

Rusty: oh look someone who actually watched the show

Kat: Don’t talk about a 14-year-old “hooking up,” you fucking weirdo. 

NC: Uh-huh. And how tediously long do they drag that out? (red caption reads "WORSE THAN" alongside an image of Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly from The Office) 

Rusty: never mind

Kat: Jim and Pam kissed in season 2 and got together at the end of season 3. *sips tea* 

Oh, Jesus! Just mail me the comedic banter to my office shredder!

Jjs: *sends to inbox*

Kat: Hey Pam, what are your thoughts on this review so far?

CeOsr2Ywaqf-I_iHV6Uk4V4xTchBetXfrzYR7F0M

NC (vo): By the way, here's a confusing scene. 

Jjs: Oh boy, bet this is a hell of a noggin jogger!

We see her walk by a poster of a young girl dressed exactly how she is dressed. Like it's from a movie or a show or something.

Jjs: Gonna wager on the “something” personally.

Serena: I wish I could be like Sailor V. She's so beautiful and smart. Something exciting's always happening in her life, not like mine.

NC (vo): So...what? A movie or a TV industry got wind of this idea that coincidentally is exactly the same as what's going on right now?

Rusty: Realistic Fiction would blow this guy’s mind

Jjs: It was a “something” industry, actually. Anyways, Kat will explain this better than I could, but I believe she already had her powers before the rest got them. Don't have a brain malfunction over this one, especially when it's something that would've been explained in future episodes. This is why I've begun to absolutely hate knee jerk reactions.

Kat: Fun fact: Sailor V, aka Mina/Minako, was the first of the girls to figure out she has powers. She had her own manga series called Codename: Sailor V that explains how she discovers her powers, starts fighting evil, and makes it her mission to find the other Sailor Scouts. It actually predates Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon, the basis for the 90s anime. Early on in Sailor Moon, Sailor V is basically a celebrity so...yeah. Sorry for the ramble, but someone has to explain things if the guy who’s SUPPOSED to be reviewing the damn show won’t. 

NC: Does that mean that something like Transformers is a true story, then? Because to be fair, my car has been giving me dirty looks. (headlights on the NC's car turn into "Transformer" eyes, prompting the NC to look away)

Jjs: Now this is one hell of a cliffhanger that Doug owes us a payoff on, if you ask me. It’s said to this day that car is still giving him dirty looks…

Kat: I pity your car. 

Rusty: I look forward to the day where Doug gets eaten by his car.

NC (vo): Things seem to change -- that is, the formula is set in motion -- when a magic cat named Luna arrives and tells her that she is the reincarnation of one of the guardians.

Luna: You are Sailor Moon, and you must fight evil when it confronts you! Just repeat after me: Moon prism power!

Serena: MOON PRISM POWER!!!

NC (vo): And, of course, this gives way to the famous transformation scene. The tiara, the boots, the nail polish...later covered by gloves so that was pointless, and, of course, the miniskirt. The mini-mini-mini-mini-MINI-mini-mini-mini-miniskirt. 

Rusty: Oh boy imma skip this segment if y’all don’t mind

Jjs: Can you add another mini to get the point across? I think you made it a bit too subtle.

OWM: A few more minis and you might get bumped up on the Top 10 Hottest Animated Women list.

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Kat: I’m sorry, did you say maxi skirt? I couldn’t tell. 

Yup, the costume choice that in no way enables her to fight better but sure does force her to squat a lot. 

Jjs: ...I’m gonna really need that Jersey weed to get through this one. :bruh: 

Kat: lmao where the hell did that observation come from??? Was this really necessary to point out?? 

NC (vo): Okay, so take out the fact that it's obviously in no way battle armor. Take out the fact that it's obviously fanservice. Take out the fact that, just like He-Man, somehow removing more clothes bizarrely disguises them 

Jjs: It’s references like this which make me glad the She-Ra reboot was long after this review. I would hate to see how he talked about Adora given what’s about to happen below.

-- though to be fair (picture of He-Man and Battle Cat alongside picture of Sailor Moon) with both these outfits, is the face really the first thing you're gonna be looking at? 

Jjs: Doug Walker bi??? ?

Take all that away and just tell yourself: this obviously sexualized transformation that takes up a solid minute in each episode...happens to a 14-year-old girl. Yeah. Forgot that for a second, didn't ya? 

Jjs: No, because you’re going to hammer that into our skulls quite a bit in a few.

The girls in this show are and always have been 14 years old. 14 years old. (images of various underage girls appear on screen) 14 years old! 14-- (distracted by panty shot of Sailor Mars) DAMN! Uh, y-years old.

Jjs: FBI OPEN UP!

OWM: Doug combing through hours of archival Sailor Moon footage to look for the sexy kids scenes to put in his video

Kat: aHGh5Jh8Q4vLD2D70Rh9tWXLPOyWwW5r6y1RKjOn

Stop talking stop talking STOP talking STOP TALKING 

NC: Now, before any of you find this incredibly creepy,

Jjs: Too late, that ship sailed the moment you said “Speed Racer with tits.”

OWM: You’re making it too easy, Doug.

Kat: BEFORE???

let me make one thing perfectly clear. The age of consent in many parts of Japan is in fact 13 years old. ...NOW you may find it incredibly creepy.

Rusty: ok fun fact: Japan is divided up into Prefectures, the equivalent to States or Provinces, and all of those prefectures have local laws that raise the Age of Consent to 16, 17, or 18. So, no Doug, you’re the creepy one. Not Japan. ok brb i gotta go get some potato chips

Jjs: Fun fact: Doug’s show also turns 13 years old this year. NOW you may find it incredibly creepy.

NC (vo): And yes, there's a lot of fine print to that law that evens it out a bit, but there's just as much fine print that evens it back into kinky territory again. (picture of a group of Japanese teenagers) 

Jjs: I bet he had quite the funny story to his internet provider when they asked him why “japanese teenagers” was in his search history.

For example, sex between 13- to 17-year-olds can only be done with other 13- to 17-year-olds.

Jjs: Am I watching a review of Sailor Moon or a Japan lecture?

Homer Simpson: That's good.

Jjs: If nothing else, I'm happy to see the Simpsons cast is a bit more open to starring on the show again after the Bart's Nightmare crossover disaster. Wonder if Doug and Bart ever worked out their fallout or not though.

NC (vo): (picture of scantily dressed Japanese girl) However, that's only sex. Groping, handjobs, blowjobs, and whatever else your perverted imagination can come up with is all perfectly legal.

Jjs: ...Seriously, do we have the right riff? Talk about a jarring tone transition, especially coming from the guy who bragged about calling said 14 year old “hot” previously. Again, you gotta really pick a lane and stick with it. Goofy comedy reviewer not meant to be taken seriously or a professional critic we’re supposed to be taking seriously, and neither is working.

Kat: May I politely object to ask what the HELL this weird tangent has to do with the rest of the review? 

Homer Simpson: That's bad.

Jjs: D’oh!

NC (vo): However, they have cracked down on human trafficking, forced prostitution, and other illegal acts endangering people in that age range.

Homer Simpson: That's good.

NC (vo): But that doesn't stop people from creating kinky establishments like the Sexual Harassment Corporation where you pay to molest girls in school and business sets, and is totally 100% legal.

Jjs: You know, I could be riffing away, pointing out how this basically sucks all air out of whatever “review” Doug was trying to make, how it feels like an off-topic tangent to pad out the review (which it is), and how he cannot address serious issues for shit, but instead I’m going to point out: Doug spent more time doing research on Japan’s sex laws than any of the Pokémon or Sailor Moon lores. Let that sink in for you all. :bruh: 

Homer Simpson: Can I go now?

Jjs: Be our guest, door’s over there. I just hope you were compensated nicely for that cameo.

Kat: Can I go too? *checks contract* Oh damn, I gotta stay for the duration of the review or else I get fined. Lovely. 

NC (vo): So, um... Yeah, I guess when you come down to it, it is just cultural differences. 

Jjs: Now what do you call “joking” about finding her hot, comedy differences?

Rusty: ok i am back is doug’s creepy and xenophobic tirade over

I mean, sexual urges in young people does start well before 18.

Jjs: Look man, if you want to teach a Sex Ed class, just do it already. I'm sure with your credentials you can get the job.

My personal problem is, like media in most cultures, it doesn't try to help younger people understand sexuality, (images of Bratz dolls, Britney Spears, and Megan Fox) but rather exploits it. Rather than educate young people about sex, it's honestly just easier if we can make money off of it.

Rusty: yeah you have a point there but do i really need to take this sermon from a preacher who had to look for a panty shot of sailor mars 

Jjs: You could also make a few cheap gags off of it and do nothing to actually meaningfully address the issue at hand. Hmm, sounds familiar…

Kat: I could go on a rant about the way Britney Spears and Megan Fox were treated by the media, but that’s for another day. 

Also, Bratz dolls were awesome, gtfo.

NC: But, of course, all this talk about Sailor Moon being a sexy 14-year-old pinup is all building up to one important question: Given this information, why did I still put her in the Top 11 Hottest Animated Women list? I DIDN'T KNOW!!! I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW!! 

Jjs: That’s why I’ve been telling you to use Google, ya dummy! Could’ve saved you from a situation like this, but nooo, my clever gut is always right! Good luck getting Saul to bail you out of this one!

Rusty: He could write a book called “how to make money without doing any research or effort.” oh wait Ben Shapiro probably did that already.

OWM: That’s what the last guy said. Take him away, boys.

Kat: Can you never use the words “sexy,” “14-year-old,” and “pinup” in the same sentence ever again.

I mean, look at the way they're drawn, man! I thought they were in college or at the very least late high school! Wouldn't you have made that guess?! 

Jjs: I think the bigger question is why you were attracted to a drawing in the first place.

OWM: Women with less than three dimensions are a trap. Make sure to avoid them.

Kat: no??? It’s hilarious how you keep calling Serena stupid when you’ve been showing your dumbassery this entire time ?

Rusty: I’d not even try and guess their age and just respected that they were there you fucking creep.

Come on, look at the way they're showing them off! I swear, officer-- I mean audience! 

Jjs: Game Theory: Doug’s cameraman is an undercover cop.

I had no idea their real age! 

Jjs: Oh, that’ll hold up well in court.

Rusty: “It’s ok, they’re only a drawing, it’s fine!”

I mean, you might be saying to yourself, "Oh, what, didn't you grow up watching the show? Didn't you pay attention to it at all?" ...NO! No, I didn't! I mean, I watched it, but I didn't really listen to it! I too was 14 at a time! And...maybe I viewed it for...different reasons.

Jjs: Don’t worry, I'll tell the officers you viewed it for the “plot.” ;) 

(Flashback to 1995, with a young NC with grunge hair and bad acne)

Jjs: I’m unsure as to what is more embarrassing: this cringeworthy sequence you’re about to see (it’s bad), or the fact someone was able to figure out which year this flashback takes place in. And I thought I spent too much time delving into Doug's lore. 

Rusty: Wait wait wait, didn’t Sailor Moon not get run in the US until 1998? Hold on...

*does a quick Google Search*

Oh, it aired in 1995, on Fox, then the WB, then UPN, man no wonder it was obscure until Toonami. Anyway, at least I did more research than Doug.

Young NC: (holding bundle of papers) Stupid homework. (hears Sailor Moon theme song playing on nearby TV)

Jjs: Ah, I too remember that one day as a teenager when I came home after school, complained about homework and my tv happened to be coincidentally playing Sailor Moon, despite probably not actually being rerun by the time I got home from school. 

Sailor Moon: (on TV) I am Sailor Moon, the champion of justice, and on behalf of the moon, I will punish you!

Young NC: Oh, my God, this is awful. (turns TV off)

Jjs: If Dr. Hack really has that time machine ready, we should use it to go back to this moment and have him leave that tv off for good. May change the world for the better, and would also make this skit not exist.

Deep Voice: Turn that back on.

Young NC: (looks around) Who said that?

Jjs: Meth is a hell of a drug.

Deep Voice: I did.

Young NC: (looks down) (shot of Young NC's crotch) ...Penis?

Rusty: oh fuck is the sex talk STILL GOING ON

Jjs: Not even going to give him his own funny name?

OWM: An old friend returns.

Nostalgia Critic - Suburban Knights - YouTube

Kat: *takes whiteboard from Dr. Hack* *writes down “Doug + talking penis= comedy gold??”

NC's Penis: (smooth) Yeah.

Young NC: You can talk?

NC's Penis: All penises talk around this age. It's the greatest secret no woman knows about but wouldn't be the least bit shocked to discover.

Jjs: I don’t know, are you sure you’re not on meth? Perhaps some of Walter White’s blue meth, to be precise? It made Jesse see some wild shit, so I think a talking penis is something not improbable to be hallucinated neither.

Young NC: Well, despite what a terrifying discovery this is, I'm still not gonna watch this show.

NC's Penis: It doesn't matter what you think. From now on, I'll be calling all the shots. You're gonna see everything in a whole new light.

Jjs: Doug’s penis for the final antagonist of the series, calling it now.

Kat: This skit is so painful. Thank goodness he didn’t try to rope Malcolm and Rachel into it somehow.

Rusty: I know for a fact Malcolm is voicing the penis. I am not going to see the review, I am just going on a whim.

Young NC: What are you talking about?

NC's Penis: Look at that show again. (TV shows portions of transformation sequence) Looks damn good now, doesn't it?

Young NC: (enthralled) Wow... There's more to this show than I thought...

NC's Penis: (smooth) Aw, yeah.

Jjs: For someone who spent the past few minutes lecturing us about pedophilia, he sure loves telling us about how his teenage self wanted to get it on with Sailor Moon characters, which kinda implodes whatever serious point he was going for. You can’t even call this “social commentary” when it’s just being creepy, and also distracting from the “review” at hand, again. We owe a serious apologies to victims of pedophilia everywhere for how he's treating the issue as another silly joke to dick around with.

Young NC: No! I'm a mentally capable male!

Rusty: 2Clat1OKQTvsqxhi6w8WZhM5a6R58bvv9m9_xMiB

see i can running gag hoe too, ass

Jjs: A mentally capable male who is imagining his penis talk to him.

I won't let my penis call all my decisions for me! (turns TV off, hears gun being cocked, and looks down)

Jjs: ALL? Which ones DOES it call then!? Was it what decided to do this review for you?

(Shot of a gun pointed up from Young NC's crotch)

NC's Penis: Turn that back on, or I'll shoot where the sun always shines.

Rusty: Wouldn’t that be suicide tho

Young NC: ...No, I won't?

(Sound of a gunshot, and the flashback ends)

Jjs: Now hold the fuck up, how did Young Doug recover from that gunshot wound? For someone who spent all that time into that “hilarious” nut buster of a flashback, you’d think our anime harem protagonist here would have given us a more satisfying end than that. This is one massive plot hole in the Doug Walker timeline I need resolved by the time this series ends, because I’m pissed!

NC: Excuse me. I have some memories I need to repress.

Jjs: You may want to fix that plot hole first before repressing any further memories.

OWM: There came a time in Douglas Walker’s life where he had to write about the time anime gave him his sexual awakening. Or maybe this was Rob’s story. Or maybe this was totally made up. I’ll let you pick which out of the three is the worst.

Kat: Please excuse me as well because I want to forget that bizarre, horrible, unfunny skit ever happened. 

(NC walks off-screen as the video cuts to a commercial)

Jjs: That uncomfortable and unfunny sequence was brought to you by our sponsor: Crunchyroll!

Rusty: wait he just lost that sponsor i cannot wait for the apology video

(Return from commercial opens on the NC returning to his chair, drunk and holding a bottle of alcohol)

Jjs: Another reason for Doug to be arrested: RUI, reviewing while under the influence.

NC: (slurring and drunk) Well, I think I've properly erased those memories.

Jjs: Close, but now you have to erase it from our memories too.

NC's Penis: They'll be back.

Kat: STOP MENTIONING YOUR PENIS! WE DON’T AND NEVER HAVE THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY! 

NC: Quiet, or I'll write another groin shot joke.

Jjs: Doug vs. his penis, the ultimate anime showdown.

NC (vo): So, Serena-- (clears throat) So Serena seems shocked that she can now suddenly transform...

Serena: This dream is getting weirder and weirder! I'll never study that hard again!

NC (vo): ...Though weirdly enough doesn't look the least bit shocked while she's transforming. In fact, I bet she'll keep this exact same calm state every single time she changes, and every villain she's fighting will quietly wait for her to finish before actually attacking. It's the Japanese way.

Jjs: Haha yeah, fuck those lazy Japanese animators who have to save money to make their work possible!

NC (vo): Speaking of which, there actually is a villain in this series, known as Queen Beryl (NC mispronounces Beryl's name as "Barrel"). 

Rusty: BERWYN?!

OWM: Wait, that means I’ve been pronouncing “Beryl” wrong too. But how else are you supposed to?

Jjs: I’m glad the transcript writer from beyond caught this for us. They should be co-writing all of Doug’s reviews from now on, and given Channel Awesome’s high recruitment standards, I’m sure they can get the job.

Yes, because no name is more terrifying than a wooden container that can bring me alcohol. Actually, you sure she's not the hero?

Jjs: If she can bring me some weed, she's a true MVP. I get high while Doug gets drunk, not exactly the even playing field I was talking about, but I'll take it!

Kat: ber·yl

/ˈberəl/

noun

a transparent pale green, blue, or yellow mineral consisting of a silicate of beryllium and aluminum, sometimes used as a gemstone.

*holds up whiteboard that reads “Doug + not doing research= classic Nostalgia Critic”*

NC (vo): She uses her evil minion named Jadeite (pronounced "Jedite")... (shows a poster of Star Wars: Return of the Jedite) Ehh, too obvious.

OWM: I have a very bad feeling about this.

Jjs: This is most certainly not the Jedi way!

NC (vo): ...to get energy out of the people of Earth, all to serve the evil realm of the Negaverse.

Rusty: please don’t slur when saying that

NC: Or, as Luna likes to put it, (dramatically) THE NEGAVERSE!!

(Various clips of Luna saying "the Negaverse" overdramatically)

Jjs: There's nobody better at being overdramatic than good ol' Doug!

NC (vo): How does Jadeite plan to do this? By creating various monsters targeting people's lust

Jjs: I don’t want to see this word in this review, thanks.

OWM: I don’t want to see this review, thanks.

for jewelry, pop singers, fitness, and pretty much anything exploiting the empty shallowness of all mankind.

Rusty: So basically, Luna made you. 

So naturally, Serena is never far behind, often falling for the majority of his evil plans.

Jadeite: (voiced over by the NC) Please get in this evil device which is in no way an evil device. Joke's on you, it was an evil device.

Jjs: So this is what Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged would be like without any of the wit or charm.

NC (vo): But once Luna reminds Serena to use her brain, she goes through her pedo-licious transformation and is ready to kick ass.

Jjs: Please for the love of god, nobody ever, and I mean ever, say “pedo-licious” for the rest of human history.

Kat: hey Serena, do me a favor and please kick the Critic’s ass for me.

Serena: (crying) I WANT TO GO HOME!!

Rusty: lBptsqf7G_m1ohOO8-C84uE-aVvE-9dNS-v2Fwum

NC: Or...cowers in the corner like a fucking scaredy-cat.

Jjs: It's the first episode, bruh. Usually magical heroes aren't supposed to be great at using their powers right away or else there wouldn't be stakes.

Serena: (various clips spliced together) I don't want to do this anymore! 

Jjs: I know that feeling well.

I can't, I'm too scared! Get me out of here now! (crying and shrieking)

NC (vo): In fact, THE FUCKING SCARDEY-CAT IS BRAVER THAN HER!!

Jjs: What the hell do you want here? If she mastered her powers in the FIRST EPISODE (something I guess that is flying over his head) without any issues, you’d probably be calling her a Mary Sue anyways.

Kat: I would love to see if Doug would have the balls to face down a monster. What are you gonna do, yell at it? 

Luna: (various clips spliced together) You must fight this evil monster, or the whole universe could cease to exist! It's time to become Sailor Moon! Let's go! You have to stand and fight! Be brave!

(Clip of Sailor Moon running away from thugs)

Theme song: Never running from a real fight

NC (vo): (stammers) THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S DOING!!! SHE'S RUNNING FROM A REAL FIGHT!!!!

Rusty: fuckin wait a few more episodes you goddamn impatient, ungrateful bastard

NC: Come on, you idiot! Don't pussy out! Pussy up! ...I think it can also be used that way. Yeah!

OWM: Doug please for the love of god please

Jjs: Friendly reminder to all that Doug was 31 years old at the time making these “jokes” about 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS (remember?), which is why they come off so creepy instead of funny in any capacity.

Kat: nobody in the history of the universe has ever said that 

NC (vo): Well, it'll probably surprise no one that Sailor Moon actually does very little physical fighting in this show, which is no big shock. 

Jjs: Oh good, sexism was what we needed here too.

Kat: She has magical abilities. She doesn’t need to be the Karate Kid.

If she even raises her knee a centimeter to kick, she exposes her goodies to the world.

Jjs: I’m usually not one to cancel someone over stupid old jokes...but if you’re going to try “educating” us on pedophilia and tell us why it’s bad, maybe you shouldn’t follow up on it with jokes like this, yeah? Because quite frankly, to me at least, Doug thinking about a 14 YEAR OLD GIRL (REMEMBER!?) “exposing her goodies to the world” certainly makes me question his inner thoughts than whatever he was trying to preach to us. This is more tonally confused than an Eminem album.

NC: Which, in many parts of Japan, of course is no big problem anyway.

OWM: Doug PLEASE for the love of GOD PLEASE

Jjs: Oh good, adding xenophobia to the list too. Generalizing Japanese people as pedos is one great way to end pedophilia, our oh so bold knight in shining armor. This review is the tour de France of offensiveness mang.

Kat: I’m the Nostalgia Critic, and I’ll offend Japanese people so you don’t have to!

Rusty: Apologies to Japanese people everywhere!

NC (vo): Most of the fight scenes require her being trapped or stuck in something for probably longer than is needed. But hey, anything to save on that action-packed, detailed animation (looped clip of Sailor Moon throwing her energized tiara) that we're just going to repeat anyway!

Jjs: Ah, the irony. *sips tea*

Rusty: 2Clat1OKQTvsqxhi6w8WZhM5a6R58bvv9m9_xMiB again! *accordion noise* 

In fact, the one you'll see most often next to the transformation sequence is her using a magic tiara which turns her enemies to dust. Or, in this case, the guy doing the magic act next door comes to save her, THEN allowing her to throw her goddamn tiara.

Tuxedo Mask: You must believe in yourself, Sailor Moon!

Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Mask! Thank you!

Tuxedo Mask: Don't mention it.

Jjs: vDpsYQ1g1CIar_IgrUYzDpExvwJxvCABu9x3dD_T

NC (vo): This is Tuxedo Mask, and yes, it is painfully obvious who it really is. But please don't tell Serena. She's not very bright!

Jjs: Someone sure has an intense hateboner towards a teenage girl. I presume he’s secretly bitter about her not returning his crush, which adds some intriguing depth to this review now that I think about it.

Tuxedo Mask: Others will test you. Do not be afraid.

Sailor Moon: What a hunky guy.

NC: (as Sailor Moon) He's so dreamy. And not at all like the other guy who I hate so much. Thank God they have nothing in common and are two completely different people. (looks off-screen) Oh, hi, Clark. Get any new pictures of Superman lately?

Rusty: lXKqCTdhV6-Iy2zJ-gdlmHbDA9WNpJSPRCI4bJVP

Jjs: I'm really glad I don't have to hear his Usagi impression.

NC (vo): The magic tiara isn't her only enchanted device, though. She also has a pen that can change her into anything. Wait, WHAT?!

Jjs: Quickly, overanalyze and make a meme out of this! You're overdue!

OWM: Not the first time I’ve heard of a magical pen, surprisingly enough. Wasn’t nearly as cool, though. All it did was turn into a sword. Lame.

Kat: It’s an anime about magical girls, of course they would have special technology. And the disguise pen was usually used to spy on the villains. But don’t tell Doug...he’s not very bright!

Luna: It's a very powerful transforming tool. It turns you into whatever you want.

NC: Well, then, what the fuck is she using that tiara for!?

Jjs: Because it’s needed to use the other Sailor Scout powers in the first place, genius.

I mean, they didn't give any limitations or anything. They said she can change into fucking anything she wants! Why doesn't she just turn around and be like…

Jjs: This is probably a dun goof on this dub’s part because another dub I watched never implied anything like this to my memory, but of course I know our knight in shining armor here finds examining any discrepancies between the original and dub too much work. I’m surprised he’s even talked about it coming from Japan at all, we got that lucky.

Rusty: or unlucky, depending on how you view it.

Serena: (voiced over by the NC) Take on the form of Godzilla!

(Clip of Godzilla roaring and smashing Negaverse minions under its foot)

NC: Series over! Six seasons spared!

Jjs: It was five, actually.

NC (vo): But nope. She uses it just to don disguises...which really aren't necessary, seeing how all you have to do is throw on a bathing suit and a napkin over your crotch, and apparently no one will recognize you. And besides, we know she's gonna leave the real fighting to the other Sailor Scouts. Oh, yeah. I should probably talk about them. 

Rusty: a-doi

Jjs: Probably, yeah. I’d also probably assume it’s a good idea to talk about the other main characters of the show, but what the hell do I know, I’m not the weeb expert here like Doug.

Kat: So you’re gonna stop perving over Serena? Finally.

The other reincarnations of the Scouts are found over time, usually in the exact same city and often even the exact same school.

Jjs: It's called suspension of disbelief to make a story work.

NC: So maybe Jadeite should try his evil plans in another part of town. I mean, it's not like the Power Rangers that can beam anywhere. All this show does is glorify how lazy Serena is.

Jjs: I mean, at least she’s saved the world, which is more than I can say for you.

NC: (as one of Serena's friends) Serena! A monster is attacking Tokyo!

NC: (as Serena) How far away is that?

NC: (as one of Serena's friends) About ten miles.

NC: (as Serena) Eh, it's just Tokyo.

Jjs: Congratulations Doug, Tokyo is the only city in Japan you know how to make a cheap joke out of, you enlightened Japanese culture scholar. Give yourself a nice spank on the ass!

Kat: Wow, it’s not like the show TAKES PLACE IN TOKYO, Doug.

Rusty: Japan to xenophobes boils down to three cities: Tokyo, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki. That’s it.

Luna: (voiced over by the NC) But you should-- (gets smacked away by NC)

Jjs: Animal abuse too!?

Kat: I hope Luna scratches your face off. 

NC (vo): These other Sailors are Sailor Mars, who uses fire; Sailor Jupiter, who uses thunder; 

Jjs: *Electricity.

OWM: Thunder, feel the thunder.

Sailor Venus, who uses energy beams; and Sailor Mercury, who uses FUCKING BUBBLES!!! 

Rusty: Hey the Running Gag hoe is back, how are ya

Jjs: You gotta bring it around town!

Kat: from wiki:

“Sailor Mercury is the first Sailor Soldier to be discovered by Sailor Moon. She serves as the "brains" of the group,[1] as she is highly intelligent and can also use a supercomputer to collect useful information in battles. She possesses powers associated with water and ice.”

But of course, going for the funny bubbles joke was the better choice.

Their personalities are about as on par as, oh, let's say... the Spice Girls. No, no, that's too demeaning. Um, let's say Hanson.

Rusty: Watch more episodes and I’ll give you this sweet nirvana shirt, free of charge!

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Jjs: Pop culture references! Yes, yes, give in to the sweet references to distract you from my lack of actual points!

Kat: god forbid you actually watch more episodes and find out more about their backstories!

NC (vo): But to their credit, they are the ones who do most of the work. And they're eventually joined by another cat named Artemis.

Artemis: Stop squabbling.

Rusty: I wish Artemis would tell Doug to shut up.

NC (vo): And yes, even the other planets over time join the group as well. Ooh, except Pluto. Um, you're not a planet anymore, so, um... Yeah. (shoots Sailor Pluto) 

Rusty: goddammit doug, stop killing people

Jjs: https://sailormoon.fandom.com/wiki/Setsuna_Meiou_/_Sailor_Pluto_(manga) 

Doug sure is good at incriminating himself live on camera.

And to answer your question, yes, every kid snickered like an idiot when they heard there really was a Sailor Uranus.

Jjs: I don't remember anyone asking, but thanks for invading our minds nonetheless. Time to improve my mind's security.

Minion from "Despicable Me 2": "Bottom". (laughs with a second minion)

Jjs: banana?

NC (vo): Actually, things got kind of interesting with her character, seeing how Uranus and Neptune were cousins in the show, but not in the Japanese version. No, no, in the Japanese version, they were a couple.

Jjs: About time we’re finally addressing a change from the original version...more than halfway toward the end of the review. Better late than never!

(Clip of Sailor Moon with the original Japanese audio)

Rei: どこ!?カッコいい人は!(Where? Where is that cute guy? Where?)

Rei: 女の人… (A girl...)

Haruka: 僕が男だって言った覚えはないけど… (I don't recall ever saying that I was a guy...)

NC (vo): That's right. Straight-up lesbians.

NC's Penis: What was that?

NC: Nothing! I said nothing!

OWM: Doug Walker: Lesbian Lover

Jjs: Oh good, another one to the fetish list.

Kat: Doug I’m too tired to yell at you about this 

Rusty: yeah i’m not surprised considering his nonchalant sexism. I would tell him to get his head out of his ass, but it’s up so far it has become his ass

when I see him at a con somewhere...I’m gonna kick him in the ass

NC (vo): Yeah, kinda funny how we can sex up our 14-year-olds all we want, but the idea of them being attracted to something that don't have a penis apparently was too much for Americans back then.

Jjs: And still is today.

Kat: That’s the first almost decent piece of commentary you’ve said all review.

NC: So just to check: (picture of Bratz) Okay, (picture of Amara and Michelle) shaaaaame! (picture of mother holding daughter wearing conical bra) Okay, (picture of Amara and Michelle) shaaaaame!

Rusty: No, No, No, NO NO. ACTION THREE BEATS THEN LINE NO. You can’t expect us to come back to you when you make a statement like this after you stated that you wanted to get into the dress of a 14 year old, you idiot, you useless idiot. 

Jjs: Making jokes about perving on underage girls: Okay. The mere concept of Pokémon: shaaaaame!

NC (vo): Come on, guys, maybe you could've worked it into your half-assed PSAs at the end. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. There's PSAs in this show, obviously slapped on at the end of each episode using the same animation they used before. Because Lord knows the show hasn't repeated enough animation already.

Jjs: For someone who’s been giving us pseudo intellectual PSAs of his own about pedophilia, seems a tad hypocritical to shit on this show’s. Also, the PSAs were only in this dub, but once again, research.

Serena (vo): Starving yourself and exercising 'til you drop is not a smart way to lose weight. Like a car without gas, our bodies can't run without food.

Luna (vo): Good, nutritional food.

NC (vo): To say they're time fillers is an understatement. Half the time, they don't even bother to fill in the dead air they care so little about!

OWM: And before he realized, his dead air cutaway gags took up more time than the actual “review”. If only he’d foreseen it.

Jjs: Once again, the sweet irony. *sips tea*

Rusty: One more time for the boys back home!:  

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Serena (vo): Daydreams are nice, especially the ones about...food. (giggles, sighs) Daydreams are cool alright.

(Long pause, NC motions for voiceover to continue)

Jjs: No, I insist, you go first, don't be shy. Do another funny voiceover!

Serena (vo): But just don't forget about the here and now.

NC (vo): Yeah, if they wanted a more appropriate ending, they'd go with something like this.

Serena (vo): (with different voiceover by Rachel) Hey, kids! A lot of times, we get angry letters from your parents because we know our show makes you dumber. 

Kat: I’d argue that watching these reviews would make your kid dumber tbh

Rusty: Can confirm

So here's our last-minute table scraps to try and teach you something in the last few seconds we have. Um... Brush your teeth! (giggles)

Jjs: It’s a shame Doug didn’t take heed to these words of wisdom.

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OWM: The big guys at Channel Awesome aren’t giving him the best dental plan, unfortunately.

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Rusty: ...no comment

NC: Or, in the case of the lesbian duo, maybe they can do something like...

Serena (vo): (with different voiceover by Rachel) Hey, kids! You got boys, and you got girls. Pick one! (giggles)

Jjs: Apologies to bisexuals everywhere.

OWM: Apologies to Japanese bisexuals everywhere. Who may or may not be failing and/or pedophilic.

Rusty: Also apologies to Non-binary people everywhere. Including me. I want an apology and $500 in cash. Right now. Where is it Doug I want my money.

Kat: OzuDSqRvzeMlFUubDcrlUNYwaMrcNFgiIQPIUMYM

Boy, if you don’t—

NC: And guys, that's as far as I got.

Rusty: least he is honest

NC (vo): I know there's more characters and more villains,

Jjs: As there is with any anime, yes.

but I specifically wanted to address the repeated formula that got Sailor Moon popular in the U.S. and why on Earth it actually worked.

Rusty: Do tell, I am sure you can enlighten us, guy who reviewed one episode...and that is a very generous use of the word “reviewed”. 

And that formula, as I can figure out, is as such: Serena acts like a selfish idiot; supportive friends pick up her slack; Beryl rubs crystal ball like a boob 

OWM: … “Like a boob”?

Jjs: Why even try to educate us on the problems with fanservice in anime if you’re just going to make jokes like these anyways? Kind of makes all of it moot, professor.

Kat: Truly tired of you acting like Serena is an incompetent idiot when she’s helped to save the day MANY times. 

and sends Jadeite out to create monster and/or device to obtain energy, using a marketing tool targeted toward vain suburbanites; one of the Scouts discovers the plan or falls for it herself; transformation takes place via reused, sexually-confusing animation; 

Jjs: Keep repeating it and maybe you’ll finally end pedophilia once and for all. You know what they say if it wasn’t funny the first 5 times!

Scout or Scouts are trapped; prat in the hat seems to get them out and do nothing else; Serena never figures out who he is, uses her magic tiara that she should've used earlier instead of reusing more dialogue footage, destroys villain, and goes back to being an idiot again.

Kat: Serena does figure out Darien is Tuxedo Mask, which you would know if—oh, forget it. 

Rusty: Man it sounds like he’s gonna compare this to Power Rangers 

NC: So, yeah, just to double-check again: WHY DOES THIS WORK?!

Rusty: The answer lies in you watching more than one episode at a time

Jjs: Because it work, work, work, work, works!

Kat: Because it was entertaining? Because we liked the characters?? Because it’s not as grating and annoying as you are???

Perhaps like a lot of other formulas, it knew what to keep familiar and what to keep changing up. It knew it was going to have a villain, but it changed up what kind of villain. 

Jjs: Wow, you mean to tell me that a show can...CHANGE its antagonist!? :o Holy fucking shit ladies and gentlemen, this is the ultimate spiritual awakening right here! As your plebeian eyeballs read this, you’re being transported to another spiritual dimensional plane with Doug! 

It knew it had to involve an interest or product that girls wanted to be involved with, so it had a different one each episode. There was always peril that the girls had to get out of so that you'd feel great by the end when they finally do, keeping the formula exactly the same but changing up just the right elements that needed to be changed.

Rusty: like i said watch more of the show, dumbass

NC: So do I enjoy the show? Fuck, no! 

Jjs: Come on Doug, we know you’re a man of culture who loves the show’s “plot”, if you catch my drift. You can’t hide what’s inside.

Kat: Did I enjoy this review? FUCK NO!

Does it have an ingenious formula? Fuck, yes! Is it bad for kids? Fuck...not really.

NC (vo): While the Serena character is an annoying airhead, I will give her credit that she does at the very least have a character.

Jjs: Okay, so the Sailor Moon expert may need to refresh my memory, but was Usagi really as stupid as Doug has been making her out to be? From what I remember of the version I watched, she really wasn’t at all, but I didn’t watch this dub that everyone remembers, so I don't have much of a stake here. Either way, seems kinda unfair to only base that on one version of the anime, and it would’ve been nice to educate people on the differences between the original and dubs, but I know your budget was spent on the opening skit, Japan’s sex laws and Homer’s cameo, so it’s fine.

Sailor Moon expert: Yes, Usagi could be spacey sometimes, but she knew how to be a hero and leader when the time came for it. And she’s a really good friend! Come to think of it, based on what we’ve seen, Doug would be the universe’s worst Sailor Scout in comparison. 

It's not one that I like, but at the same time, it would've been easy just to make her a pretty face with no personality. But she clearly does have a personality and goes to big extremes. 

Rusty: I already made the Peach Speech twice. I AM NOT REPEATING IT ANYMORE. 

Jjs: That’s surprising given how many times you nailed into our heads that she’s “stupid”, unless that is the personality you’re referring to.

And they do make her look strange and bizarre just as much as they do at making her look pretty half the time. And though, yeah, she can be self-centered, she's never really mean per se. And I guess, from what I understand, the character does get smarter as the show goes on. 

Rusty: Look, he just flat out admitted he didn’t watch the rest of the show.

Jjs: Gee, it’s almost like character development is a thing, huh? I’m at a loss here too. Another reason why knee jerk reviews over one episode of a show have not aged well.

Kat: No Doug, she’s a dumb blonde clod, remember? 

Or at the very least braver. As for sexing up a 14-year-old... (sighs) I think it's weird, but I guess there's always just gonna be cultural differences. 

Jjs: I think having your penis talk about wanting to bone her is also pretty weird, but I guess there’s always just gonna be “comedy differences.”

And in all honesty, (picture of Honey Boo Boo wearing conical bra), we've went out much worse.

Rusty: You know people are gonna take that statement as “I don’t want to bang Honey Boo Boo but I will bang Sailor Moon”, right?

Jjs: Ah, truly is a man of culture.

Unlike a lot of pop stars and teen magazines where the artificiality is all that's there, this at least allows girls the fantasy of being the hero and actually doing something, even if it is mixed in with that artificiality as well. But I don't know if Serena's dummy reaction to it all always shows it in such a good light. But the moments where she fights back and saves the day is always shown in a good light. 

Jjs: Who would’ve thought that an anime about women saving the day would be painted in a good light? I’m glad we had Doug to tell us this fascinating insight that nobody else in the galaxy could comprehend.

Rusty: Thank you Mr. “I’m superior than everyone else because I have a radio, an internet show, and a lack of basic research skills” 

So have fun with your little show. Just keep it as far away as you can from me.

Jjs: You like anime women, don’t you Dougward? :smirk: 

Kat: Gladly. 

Theme song: She is the one... Sailor Moon!

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme-- (phone rings, NC answers) Hello?

Jjs: That phone is the true MVP of this episode.

Eureka: Mr. Critic, uh, Dr. Hack thinks he may have, like, finished that formula or whatever? (door opens, Eureka turns to see NC enter)

Jjs: Shakespeare’s got nothing on these stage directions.

Rusty: CRITIC enters

NC: Lead on.

Hack: Alright, Critic, I know I messed up with the Sailor Moon formula, but I've come up with a formula that's even better.

NC: Even better? You mean, like, more successful than Sailor Moon?

Rusty: a-doi

Jjs: ...What else do you think he meant? Christ, he can’t even have coherent dialogue at the end of the review. That’s what he gets for thinking too much with his penis.

OWM: Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure old Doug Jr. wrote the entire script for this review. It explains a lot of things.

Hack: Three times more successful!

NC: Really?!

Hack: Yes! According to my calculations, this should be the most famous, most profitable formula the world has ever known!

NC: Good God, Dr. Hack, what is it?! What is it?!?

Rusty: Guy has idea for joke, guy gets distracted by a compulsive thought, guy forgets joke the end

oh wait that me

Jjs: Okay, okay, hear me out: What seems to be a shallow sibling-based rivalry turns out to be an intense, generational, everlasting battle between many families, cultures, and classes - even between humans and non-humans, and people will make a ton of memes out of it without actually watching it. I call it: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. (there’s your jojo reference weebs)

Hack: Okay, okay. Three online performers -- two male, one female -- remake movies with the help of a German cameraman and Irish immigrant!

Jjs: It’s okay Doug, we knew Demo Reel was a flop but you don’t need to smugly remind us about it.

Rusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SELF DEPRECATION AND META HUMOR LAUGH

OWM: I’ve got a better idea, actually. You see, it’s about a pop quiz game show…

(Long pause before NC takes off his hat and starts beating Dr. Hack with it, and the end credits roll)

Jjs: Haha, hey look kids, he’s beating up the funny black guy! Don’t worry, he totally won’t repeat this gag for the next 8 years.

Rusty: kill me

(Channel Awesome logo)

Luna: The Negaverse!

Jjs: This was just...utter cringe, in its purest, most concentrated form. You know that guy who watches one episode of Naruto and suddenly thinks they know everything about Japanese culture, but in reality knows jack shit? That’s the perfect metaphor for this episode, as Doug is most certainly that guy. Looking back at this review years later, and I’m stunned at how offensive, tone deaf and ignorant it actually is. It’s hard to talk about what little was “reviewed” here because that was overshadowed by Doug’s creepy jokes that I get were trying to tell us pedophilia is bad, but in turn just made him look like an idiot, again. Doug should never address serious topics like this. I’m not saying a critic shouldn’t address a serious issue if it’s relevant to the material, but...it’s fucking Doug Walker telling us this. You spent most of your career goofing around and now he’s trying to suddenly do A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE that doesn't actually meaningfully do anything to address the issue. It’s like a clown trying to lecture us about the subject, and it’s impossible for him to do it in a tasteful way when it’s played for comedy for most of the review anyways. There’s other critics who would handle this topic with much better tact and care than he ever will. You gotta walk a real careful tightrope when addressing a topic like that in a “comedy” show, and our clown here completely fell on the ground, dick first. Even outside of that, he came off kinda lowkey ignorant and racist to Japanese culture in general too, showing once again he’s way over his league in addressing these topics. He barely even scratched the surface of what he could’ve talked about from Sailor Moon, especially given how he all but completely ignored the original version which y’know, would’ve been helpful for research, and could’ve made for an interesting comparison to analyze what changed or why elements are the way they were, but I get it, jokingly fantasizing over underage women was a better use of time. Once again, this review is a prime example of the undetermined path of what Doug wants to be: a goofy comedy reviewer not meant to be taken seriously, or a professional we’re taking seriously, and he completely failed at both here. Moral of this review: between this and Pokémon, Doug should do himself a favor and stop talking about anime. I’m Jjs, and we the people riff the Nostalgia Critic so you don’t have to watch him!

OWM: You should just probably never watch any media critic ever again. Like, seriously, talk to friends or play a game or go for a walk or something. Just anything. Please. OK, bye.

Kat: This review pissed me off on a personal level because I love the source media. But even aside from that, this was just a turducken of horrible. Weird sexual jokes stuffed inside weird racist and sexist jokes stuffed inside the typical obtuse, didn’t-bother-to-do-his-homework shtick. It was truly frustrating to read. But hey, if we can stop anyone from watching the review, then we’ve done our job.

Sailor Moon says, beware of critics who say gross and offensive stuff about teens and racial minorities for a laugh! (Giggles)

Rusty: What else can there be said about this review that hasn’t already been said. It’s creepy, xenophobic, sexist, and pretty much put’s all it’s chips on making funny jokes about pedophilia, which it fails miserably at. Plus, I really hate that schick at the end where he “drops his facade” if you will and actually acknowledges stuff that we'd’ve liked for you to mention earlier, please, thank you! Yeah that’s it, I’m done, I’ll be back for The Matrix in a few weeks, and one last note, they should really bring back Skittles gum, that shit was goooooood: 

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PieGuyRulz Out! 

 

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Episode V: Eight Crazy Nights

Spoiler

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Jjs: I have a vivid memory of this one. I remember having a snow day when this came out in December 2013, and while in the comforts of my warm house, I eagerly rushed to my laptop to check out the newest Nostalgia Critic episode, which was this one. At the time, while I assume I liked it (which is what happens when you're a teenager), much like the Sailor Moon review, there was still several lingering issues I couldn’t shake off my mind, and it took me years later to see what was actually wrong with this one. You know how I said that it’s better to read these reviews instead of hearing them? Well, this one is a shining example of one that you absolutely should read rather than hear. Back in his “prime”, a lot of people kinda had issues with Doug’s screaming and rage hysterics being used as a primary source of comedy and critique. This was somewhat toned down in his post-return era, but it still was prevalent here and there. There’s no review that demonstrates this issue better than this one, where any critiques on Doug’s end take a backseat to him raging for the sake of it without much further thought. And boy, do I recall this one being absolutely grating on my ears. This is one of his most obnoxious and annoying reviews to ever exist audio wise. Even when I liked the guy, I didn’t want to rewatch this one again because of Doug’s high pitched wailing throughout, which is not pleasant on any human eardrums. So once again, be grateful that I’m making you read this instead of hearing it because this would be a much more unbearable experience if we did the latter. Riffing this is going to be...a challenge, because this film is admittedly ass, but as usual, Doug’s points are going to be riddled with problems. One other massive problem with this review that’s somewhat glossed over is that this is one of his most deceptive and misleading reviews ever. You’ll see what I mean by that.

Frederick: Good evening, viewers. My name is Frederick and I will be doing a deep analysis on The Nostalgia Critic’s review of Eight Crazy Nights. The reason why I chose this specific review is because it wouldn’t be a Doug Walker Riff Theater without consulting his sworn enemy throughout the series: Adam Sandler. Now I’m not the type who’s typically entertained by Mr. Walker and Mr. Sandler’s vulgar humor. I, myself, enjoy the movies starring the greats like Mel Brooks, Charlie Chaplin, and Gene Wilder. So I will analyze this review with no intentions of stooping down to the levels that Mr. Walker has set in terms of reviews. My name is Frederick, and this is Master-Riff Theater.

Wumbo: I didn’t even like this review when it came out. I had watched Eight Crazy Nights before at, admittedly, far too young an age. So I was excited to see what the Nostalgia Critic would do to rip it apart, which, saying that now just seems incredibly sad. But I had hope. What I did not expect was this review, where he seems to be more pre-occupied with dragging out running gags of his own than critiquing the ones in the movie. It’s honestly kind of hard to tell the difference between his work and Sandler’s at points. Apologies to Sandlers EVERYWHERE!!!!

Steel: I’m back. Sorry I’m late. I got caught in traffic on the way in the theater when that whole 'I'm-going-to-be-doing-this-for-the-rest-of-my-life' thing reared its ugly head and I...okay, with all seriousness, I had a big writing project in my way from doing riffs for this installment. Now that it’s been taken care of, I’ve returned to tackle this particular review, and yeah...this is going to be an interesting one.

I’ll admit it, the main reason why I hopped on to this is because this was the first review from the Nostalgia Critic that I disliked upon first viewing. I guess you could say that this was a blessing for me as this was the one review that had me turn on the internal switch in my brain that would make me defect my original feelings towards the series later in life.

It has been a while since I’ve last seen this review (not even during my top 20 write-up because I had remembered it well enough), and I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t remember everything from this review. Although, I can tell it’s going to suck all the way through just by scrolling down to see the riffs that this warranted.

(We do the usual opening before cutting to our host at his desk)

Wumbo: Which is, by this point, as bloated and tired as every single “sketch” he does.

Candace: Moooooom, the Nostalgia Critic is making a title sequence! 

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. 

Jjs: Hello, I’m Jjs and I riff you so nobody else has to watch you!

Steel: And I…have poked fun at your slogan one too many times to come up with something that’s more witty.

You know...it must be hard being Jewish.

Steel: Bold freaking start. 

Jjs: Oh no, please don’t address another serious issue. You already did a terrible job at it last time, please don’t make us dish out a huge apology to Jewish people everywhere next. We only got so much in the apology running gag to milk out in a miniseries.

Frederick: Mr. Walker is at least addressing the issues that Jewish people have faced in the past. Some of which include the Holocaust, big nose jokes, and Rob Schneider. Acknowledging this fact would certainly be important character development for him.

I mean, I don't wanna make an assumption about a pain a group of people I don't represent is going through, but…

Jjs: sKyUSx85lCf_GOhqFqDDkXXwbem0N6IvJ0_l6KzH

Wumbo: Then don’t? No one is asking you to do this.

Steel: I suppose you’re addressing this because this somehow involves you. I can tend to believe that.

it's gotta be hard. Not because of the years of oppression (a picture of the Ku Klux Klan), 

Jjs: There’s no better way to celebrate Hanukkah and address the problems Jewish people face then jokingly minimizing the oppression they face. Warms my heart, it does.

NC: I don’t mean to be political BUUUUUUUUT….

not because there's still prejudiced jerk-offs out there (picture of Mel Gibson is shown, with Woody Woodpecker's laugh heard briefly), 

Jjs: hIeKjcX6XUSisfQaMdKU0em8Rs_aV3mJsBRg0p2H

Steel: I don’t know why you had to bring Woody Woodpecker into this but okay. 

but because around the holidays, for all the well-known Christmas movies that exist, you only have one well known Hanukkah movie. [beat]

Jjs: I hope to god that wasn’t a genuine attempt at suspense.

Steel: And I must say that I do share the pain that those Jewish folks must have felt from that one, singular Hanukkah movie.

And sadly, it's brought to you by Beelzebub's foreskin himself, Adam Sandler.

Jjs: Ah, back when shitting on Sandler was all the rage in the early 2010s, and comparing him to the devil was considered peak comedy gold.

(After the opening title for Eight Crazy Nights, a picture from It's a Wonderful Life is shown)

NC (vo): Yep. We have Jimmy Stewart finding the will to live again, (clip of Davey Stone drunkenly humping his car), you have Adam Sandler humping a car. 

Jjs: That’s clearly Davey Stone, not Adam Sandler! 

Wumbo: Jimmy Stewart clearly wasn’t watching The Nostalgia Critic.

Steel: “Adam Sandler humping a car” sounds just like the kind of description that would elude the Critic.

(Picture of Alastair Sim in A Christmas Carol) We have Ebenezer Scrooge donating to the cold and hungry, (clip of a deer smiling with manure in its teeth) you have deer eating shit.

Jjs: We have the Grinch’s heart growing three times its size, you have Doug being saved by SANTA CHRIST!!!

Frederick: “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “A Christmas Carol” are both Christmas classics and they’re both movies I would rather spend my time watching than analyzing this man’s poor review of a mediocre holiday movie.

Steel: Thanks for the head-up. Now tell me what makes SpongeBob’s “Christmas Who?” special so very different from this film as if I needed be lectured about it.

(Picture of Charlie Brown and Snoopy) We have Charlie Brown realizing the importance of loving thy neighbor, (clips of Mr. Chang are shown) you have Rob Schneider playing a stereotype so racist that Asians will be praying for the good old days of (Picture of "Breakfast at Tiffany's") Mickey Rooney in squinty eyes and buck teeth.

Jjs: Doug has no right to act high and mighty over racism towards asian people after his Sailor Moon review.

Frederick: Mr. Walker, in a sad, ironic twist, complains about racial stereotypes despite dressing up like a Jamaican for a vulgar joke in a previous review. Shame on you, sir!

Wumbo: Jamacan*

Steel: (Picture of Lindsay Ellis) We have an internet critic who can make a well thought out and informative review on a particular piece of media while putting her otherwise well-constructed opinions on display (this very clip of the Nostalgia Critic is shown), you have an insufferable goofball who over-prioritizes gags and skits/sketches over the actual review and points out certain aspects of a certain piece of media as being racist as if he wasn’t guilty of making culturally insensitive jokes in the past, when he actually is.

If this is the game that we’re playing Doug, then I’ll play it too.

NC: I never knew the hardships that your people had to go through. I never knew the turmoil that you had to get past. I never knew the pain that you were suffering through...

Jjs: There’s a reason they teach the Holocaust in school. Time for Doug to go back 2 school.

Wumbo: Ha! Movie so bad it worse than Holocaust! This is COMEDY!

Steel: Dude...calm the heck down, it’s just a bad Hanukkah movie.

until I realized that this (clip of Davey) ass-hat is the cinematic face of your beloved holiday. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.

Jjs: I’m sure they humbly accept your apology, especially when you make cute jokes out of their trauma with a deer eating shit and Adam Sandler humping a car. Let me tell you, fantastic way to address the issues facing the Jewish community, Doug. I don’t know if Jewish people will really be offended by any of this, but unlike Doug, I’m not going to pretend to speak on their behalf so I’ll get the legit serious apologies to Jewish people everywhere out of the way to be safe.

Wumbo: You know, it must be hard to be a critic. You work your ass off learning film theory and forming informed opinions, only to have this jerk-off (picture of Doug) stain your whole reputation.

Steel: I don’t know about you, but saying that Davey Stone from Eight Crazy Nights (or Adam Sandler) is the mascot for the Hanukkah holiday is just as believable as saying that Autism Speaks is the mascot for autism awareness.

NC (vo): It especially sucks 'cause it comes from a person who, I think, can be funny, and yet, he constantly shits on the face of good comedy. 

Jjs: Drinking game: Take a shot every time Doug says “shit” or makes a poop joke in this review. You will need 911 on speed dial.

Wumbo: Yeah, good point there. Like, has Doug watched his reviews recently? Can’t blame him if he hasn’t, but still. You know Adam Sandler’s not the first person to make a poop joke, right?

(Picture of Adam Sandler on the Walk of Fame is shown) Sandler can be entertaining, (picture of Sandler on stage)

Jjs: fX-nRyLkPcuZ_OMYa7dcZCmW3Iz-2dZ7mswdVZNl

he's a good songwriter, (picture from Punch-Drunk Love) a decent actor,

Jjs: I wonder how different some of this rant would be if he saved this review until after Uncut Gems.

Steel: Sorry Doug, but all these kind words aren’t going to make me forget that these are backhanded compliments, given the kind of jokes we’re going be seeing towards him and the Happy Madison fanbase for the rest of the review. Speaking of which, can we get to it, like...now?

(posters for Happy Gilmore, 50 First Dates and Hotel Transylvania) and can even make a funny movie every once in a while. 

Jjs: At least he has that bar, since I unfortunately can’t say the same for any of your movies.

Frederick: Doug shows a small moment of maturity here as he states that he doesn’t hate Adam Sandler. It’s a step in the right direction when a critic can admit an actor can be talented despite their shortcomings.

Wumbo: *sees 50 First Dates* so I guess he’s okay with Rob Schneider playing a blatant Pacific Islander stereotype, because… it’s funny to make fun of them? 

But why does he have to destroy the talents of good artists, clever performers, and a beautiful 2D animation department so desperate for a hit that they actually thought the guy who bombed (poster of) Little Nicky would be their salvation?

Jjs: It was literally Happy Madison’s first animated film. I don’t think any of them, not even Mr. Sandler himself, went into it off the bat expecting it to be the return of Jesus. Also, “destroying their talents” is an unnecessary hyperbole, Sandler’s movies aren't massive career killers. I’m no Adam Sandler stan but his films do well in the box office, and people like working with him, so he’s not some evil lich sucking the life force off of people’s careers like how Doug portrays him here.

Wumbo: That’s… not how this works. You can’t just spend one minute praising the guy’s talents and then turn it around and say THE TALENTLESS FUCKWIT WHO MADE LITTLE NICKY when it suits you. Fair enough if these points are at least spaced out, but this is literally one line after the other. Give the dueling voices in your head a chance to breathe, Doug!

Steel: Jesus Christ, Doug, just admit that you have a crush on the guy already.

NC: People, I'm not gonna lie. 

Jjs: Finally!

This is a hard one. No matter what holiday you celebrate, this is one of the hardest movies you will ever have to get through. 

Jjs: Aww yeah guys, he’s making it out to be so atrocious to hype us up, that’s how you hook us in! I can’t believe I’ve fallen for this trick twice now.

Frederick: Is this a challenge, Mr. Walker? Do you assume that all us viewers are too cowardly to endure a mediocre animated movie and your review of it? I should mention that I have seen the worst cinema had to offer. Batman & Robin, The Room, Foodfight, Super Mario Bros., I saw the Garbage Pail Kids movie...the horrible flashbacks...and you think this movie might be in the same league as those movies? Balderdash, Mr. Walker!

Wumbo: *starts playing To Boldly Flee*

Steel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s hard out here for someone to be Jewish and bear the reminder that this film exists despite that you’re not Jewish yourself, Doug. We get that point already.

Which is why I'm giving you permission right now; if you want to go watch something else and leave me here to review it, I will completely understa—

Jjs: Really!? Sounds like a sweet deal to me! See ya later, Bran Flakes.

Steel: After leaving us hanging for this long, I will gladly do that. 

(We now change to a graphic reading Jingle Bell Cock as porno music plays. 

Wumbo: But you see when Adam Sandler does crude, juvenile humour, it’s bad.

Jjs: To this day, legends have told that an actual Jingle Bell Cock video exists deep in the recesses of Channel Awesome’s anus.

Frederick: Mr. Walker, for some reason, has inserted footage of a pornographic Christmas movie into his review. One can assume why he chose to do this but my thesis is to pad out the running time of his review. Or to make use of the actors and actresses he hired for his show. Either way, will this joke have any effect on the movie Doug chose to review? Is Rob Schneider pro-vaccination?

Steel: I’m struggling to figure out the context of this, but then again, it’s been awhile since I decided to lay my eyes on this god forsaken review.

Cut to Malcolm Ray and Rachel Tietz flirting with each other. Malcolm's wearing a Santa beard.)

Jjs: I was only half-kidding about Doug’s fetish fantasies, but between the Sailor Moon review and now this, the line between parody and reality is becoming blurred.

Steel: Hey, you know that small gag in NC’s Foodfight! review where he reminds us that the movie in particular is a fetish film? I could make the same joke towards the Nostalgia Critic show as well.

Malcolm: What do you say we dick the whores with balls of horny?

Jjs: Sometimes there comes a line where no riffs will do it any justice, so sit back and behold this award winning dialogue in all of its wonderful glory.

Steel: I pity anyone who ever thought it was a good idea to use THAT as a pick-up line because of the Nostalgia Critic.

(NC cuts in)

Jjs: Denny, two is company, but three’s a crowd.

NC: Or...seeing how it's the holidays, you can sit and watch the movie with me. This is Eight Crazy Nights.

Jjs: I assume the “go watch something else” disclaimer didn’t apply to Malcolm and Rachel, which is pretty unfair.

Malcolm: Oh, it's that kind of movie.

Rachel: Oh, Pete, change the title.

Jjs: Pete who, Griffin? I'm going to personally go with that since this skit (and whole review, really) feels like something out of Family Guy.

(The title below them now reads "Ménage a Twas the Night Before Christmas." They then get a little too close to NC, who shudders.)

Jjs: New piece of lore: Doug is claustrophobic.

NC: Eww, get off of me! (Malcolm reaches for NC, who smacks his hand away.)

Jjs: I said don’t touch!

Wumbo: WHERE IS THE REVIEW? What the hell have these last few lines of stage direction been? It’s been a while since I’ve seen the video, so I can only hope it translates better into that medium, but Jesus Christ.

Steel: Word of advice for Doug, if you find yourself writing filler that doesn’t connect to the review, then don’t leave it in your review. This was after you made the overlong Man of Steel review with Angry Joe. You should’ve learned that lesson at this point.

NC (vo): So the film opens with a Rob Schneider narration. ...Good start.

Jjs: Nowhere near as good of a start to a film as “What do you say we dick the whores with balls of horny?”, I’m sure.

Steel: I’m going on a bit of a nitpicky tangent here, but may I address the fact that, with all of our riffs included, it took the script for this review ten pages to get to the point, at least according to Google Drive? If this point was unnecessary for me to make, then the feeling is mutual when it comes to the amount of filler for the pre-review introduction.

NC (vo): He tells us about Davey, played by Adam Sandler, and how everyone around Hanukkah time is happy except for him, which is ironic as during most viewings of his movies, Adam Sandler is the only happy one and everybody else is miserable.

Jjs: Curiously enough, this can also apply to your reviews by swapping out Adam Sandler with Doug Walker.

Frederick: I too am miserable. I am miserable as there is a human being alive who considers an Adam Sandler film to be on par with the Holocaust. I took a 42-course history class at Oxford and I do not recall Adam Sandler appearing in any of my textbooks.

Wumbo: Except for those movies that I mentioned I liked. But I guess since I’ve already done the “fair and balanced” part of the “review”, that leaves me the rest of the plodding runtime to make lame cheap shots.

Steel: With all these pitiful personal potshots you’re throwing at Adam Sandler, who isn’t entirely to blame for committing the felonious crime of making a bad animated Hanukkah movie, I stress that you’re the only miserable one here.

Narrator: The head honcho of holiday humbugs lives right here in little old Dukesberry. That fool is sitting in the China Dragon, coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over.

Chang: Four scorpion bowl in five minute? That's got to be a restaurant record.

NC (vo): Like I said before, that is Rob Schneider also as the Chinese restaurant owner.

Frederick: I know the intent of this show is to analyze the psyche of Douglas Yancy Walker but I think this would be the perfect time to state that Rob Schneider is just as much as terrible a human being as Mr. Walker is. Shame on you, David Spade!

Chang: [various scenes] I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi./He no pay for his four scorpion bowl!/Sorry, that one caught me by surprise!

Wumbo: Apologies to Jamacans EVERYWHERE!!!!

NC (vo): I would make a joke about Rob Schneider playing yet another racially insensitive stereotype, 

Jjs: What's stopping you? You repetitively shit on Sandler in this review, so why not go another step higher and repetitively shit on Schneider too?

but I have a theory that the more I believe Rob Schneider doesn't exist, the more possible it could be that it might actually one day happen.

Jjs: I’m afraid to tell you that I’ve tried that exact same mantra on you for 6 years now and it still hasn’t worked, so I doubt this will work either.

Wumbo: Rob who?

NC: So, until further notice, what Rob Schneider racially insensitive stereotype? I don't see a Rob Schneider racially insensitive stereotype.

Jjs: We did it boys...racism is no more! 😁

Steel: But I do see a balding critic running his mouth about how a Rob Schneider racially insensitive stereotype doesn’t exist, so I don’t know what to believe.

(Davey's drunkenly trying to get his key in his car door.)

Cop: Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.

Davey: (slurring) Oh, no, officer. I'm just gonna say good night to my car, then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. (Getting a little too close to his car) 

Doug: Eww, get off of me! 

Oh, mama, you like it when I hold you like this? Cause I'll do it all night long! (and he licks the car)

Jjs: Legends say that Davey would eventually become this guy:

ytueBHOX4VpGxoyGwN2CCI_Vge2LeYhclKclRUy2

NC (vo): You may notice, too, in this film that the animation is surprisingly really, really good. In fact, it's insultingly good.

Jjs: Yeah, that’s the result of 11 studios animating it, something that would’ve been useful to mention in your background notes to viewers. It wasn’t one studio’s doing all the heavy lifting like he seems to assume here.

Like, what the hell are these beautiful colors, excellent line work and graceful movements doing in a story from the mind of (Sandler's picture pops up) Hollywood's abandoned pregnancy it wishes it had? 

Jjs: I know Sandler was (and still is today) an easy target for people back then but damn, did his hateboner towards him get super nasty and needlessly edgy here.

And ironically, this works against the film. Because the animation is so good, it doesn't match the tone at all. 

Jjs: It’s an Adam Sandler movie. I don’t think whether being animated or not was ever going to have any bearing on the tone to begin with.

Steel: Were you expecting 12 oz. Mouse levels of quality for a Happy Madison animated film?

(Clips of Hotel Transylvania are shown) In a much better animated Sandler film, Hotel Transylvania, the high speed, energy, and quick pace matches the comedic delivery perfectly. 

Wumbo: This is like the twenty millionth time he’s lost his goddamn mind over Hotel Transylvania will you give it a rest

Frederick: Mr. Walker talks like the one ADD kid he used to represent Ren and Stimpy’s audience in his Nicktoons review. That, my friend, is what you call a “callback”.

Steel: Of course, because Sandler pretty much made it his job to make the tone work in his own favor. It wasn’t like he had so much creative control of Hotel Transylvania. As beautiful looking as the animation quality is on Eight Crazy Nights, that doesn’t mean it can’t be used as a clever facade for the brand of humor that the film itself represents, even if it’s not good at being clever.

(Back to the movie) Here, the animation's much slower and closer to real life. So the characters don't move like funny animated characters, they move like constipated baby elephants not being allowed to express themselves the way an animated character should.

Wumbo: Beautifully animated constipated baby elephants. Could have run this one through the script doctor, I think.

Steel: So, what you’re implying is…you’d rather have the animation move like baby elephants with chronic diarrhea? Don’t try to make yourself come off as an animation stud if you’re going to make odd analogies as this.

NC: In fact, the fucking real irony is, there's no reason to animate this story!

Jjs: I mean, there was no reason to animate King of the Hill either if we’re bein’ real, but some of the greatest artworks are ones you’d never expect. You could turn this argument around and point out how certain live action films didn’t need to be live action either, but it doesn’t matter. Not defending this movie but this is a really weak point to make out of all easy jabs you could make.

Wumbo: Nostalgia Critic sez, I want to see live action feces coming out of real deer mouths!

Frederick: Mr. Walker states that he would rather have thousands of Korean animators take different jobs instead of animating Eight Crazy Nights. Is this an implication that Douglas has something against Koreans? Is Rob Schneider a Republican?

Steel: If Disney is willing to buy the rights to Eight Crazy Nights, I’m sure you’ll get the live-action remake to this film that you think the world deserves.

NC (vo): Yeah, when you watch it all the way through, it's pretty pointless.

Jjs: Ironic, since the “point” you’re trying to make right now is also pretty pointless. Seriously, what does it matter if something’s animated or not? If the team thought this story worked better in animation at the time, then they’re allowed to pursue that endeavor, no matter how flawed the execution was. You can’t claim to be a professional critic and act ignorant towards basic artistic freedom.

The budget probably would've been the same, if not cheaper, if it was live action. So why do it? Was the idea that they knew this shit wasn't gonna be watchable in three dimensions, so they figured a drawing of the same shit would somehow make it better?

Jjs: Because Happy Madison wanted to dip their toes in animation to experiment, which even live action studios are known to do here and there. It ain’t Pokémon levels of complicated to wrap your brain around. This “criticism” is honestly one of his biggest pieces of filler yet, next to the sexy Jingle Bell Cock skit. Once again, more fluff to pad out the review to distract from no real points being made. Unfortunately, there will be even worse filler than this coming up...prepare yourselves.

Steel: Yeah, speaking of filler, here’s Doug’s frequent reminder to end his long, unnecessary tangent and carry on with the review.

(picture of Leonardo da Vinci looking at a picture of Kat Dennings in her waitress uniform from Two Broke Girls with a caption on it saying "Thor Totally Needed Me.") If Leonardo da Vinci drew a picture of Kat Dennings not being funny, it'd still be Kat Dennings not being funny!

Jjs: Don’t you mean: NOT FUNNY + NOT FUNNY = NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!! I'm legit surprised he didn't shoehorn in a callback to one of his classic rage gags.

Frederick: Mr. Walker does an unusual take that towards Two Broke Girls, a CBS sitcom I’m sure most of us, myself guilty as charged, have probably forgotten.

Steel: Replace Kat Dennings with another typical cheap jab at Adam Sandler and then you’d really have something.

Chang: He sip-and-skip me!

Cop: What?

Chang: He no pay for his four scorpion bowl!

Davey: Oh, boy.

Jjs: For as much as I’m going to be riffing on Doug in this review, I’m not gonna let this film off the hook either, because yeah, this stereotyping is still awful on its own. Instead of giving it attention, I’m just gonna link to this.

Steel: To be fair, I could use a break from poking fun at Doug for his massive hateboner towards Sandler, so poking fun at the subject of the review for its racially insensitive subject matter would be a nice change of pace, like um...those script writers were sure bonkers to think this is how Asians sound, amirite?

Alright, back to the review...

(And he runs away, soon cutting to him slamming a snowmobile into an ice sculpture, knocking it down.)

NC (vo): So Davey runs away from the police after not paying his bill and gets arrested. But he's in good hands as, thankfully, the judge likes spewing exposition more than he does actually sentencing people.

Steel: Seeing how you’re making a joke about a character spewing exposition, I just have to say, talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Judge: I've sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward… 'cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center with the best jump shot this town's ever seen.

Jjs: This is clunky dialogue but if the judge hadn’t said any of this, Doug would be complaining about Davey’s lack of backstory anyways, so I don’t know why you’re bothering making a cheap jab at this other than going for the easy punches. 

Frederick: Jjsthekid, who is the main admin of The SpongeBob Community, a site dedicated to the Nickelodeon cartoon, SpongeBob SquarePants, is correct.

Steel: I could’ve made a point about how this at least isn’t worthless exposition that this character is spewing, but Jjs has beaten me to the punch. If anything I could add, this is yet another example of Doug’s hypocrisy slipping.

(Quick clip of The Simpsons)

Bart: What an odd thing to say.

Jjs: Thanks Bart for your cameo! I’m glad the two patched their relationship up after the Bart’s Nightmare feud, if nothing else. This is the true spirit of the holiday season. 😄

Wumbo: A BART CREDIT CARD!?

Steel: You know, it’s amusing how Doug, even during this period in his career as the Nostalgia Critic, has still resorted to using clips to make jokes. Little known fact, Doug has used enough minutes of footage from Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (at least 21 minutes) for references/jokes to the point where it could pass itself off as a full-on NC episode, despite Doug pointing out that he doesn’t intend to do a NC review on it.

Apologies for the pointless exposition, but to my own defense, it’s better than this review’s needless exposition.

Davey: I still got a pretty good jump shot. Lemme show ya. (jumps only an inch) I'd hit a three-pointer for ya, except I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

NC: (chuckles mockingly) Oh, charming. Destined to become a classic holiday line.

Jjs: It'll be as iconic as “What do you say we dick the whores with balls of horny?”

(Clip from "A Christmas Carol" from 1951)

Tiny Tim: God bless us, everyone.

(Clip from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas")

Narrator: Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more.

Frederick: Again, Mr. Walker brings up holiday classics I would rather spend my time watching than analyzing this man’s poor review.

Steel: “Here, we’ve only got one rule. Never ever let it cool!” If the Nostalgia Critic is going to pull out quotes from certain holiday specials and films out of context, I may as well do the same.

(Clip from "Eight Crazy Nights")

Davey: I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

NC: (hammily) Dickens himself could not write better!

Jjs: You literally acknowledged at the start it’s an Adam Sandler movie, so I think you’re partly at fault here for expecting Shakespearean tier writing.

Steel: I may be giving them a little too much credit here, but at least Happy Madison wouldn’t have the balls to come up with, you know...this: “What do you say we dick the whores with balls of horny?”

NC (vo): Just as he's about to lay down some much-welcomed jail time, a man named Whitey intervenes.

Jjs: Uh oh, did Walt have another job for Uncle Jack?

Judge: Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It's your last year of refereeing the Youth League Basketball. You're turning 70 years old, and our insurance company says they won't cover you anymore.

NC (vo): Jesus, guy! Do you have any lines not telling somebody else's backstory?

Jjs: I’d like to see him exposit your story next.

Frederick: Douglas Walker, most commonly referred to as his online persona, The Nostalgia Critic, was born in Chicago, Illinois, in the United States on Earth. Shall I, Frederick Williamsworth Rechid, the evil twin brother of Fred Rechid who’s going to kill him, frame jjs, and take over The SpongeBob Community after this review, go on?

NC: (as the Judge) Whitey, you're as hard to figure out as the origin of my tie...which, of course, started to be worn in Europe during the Thirty-Years War. What? You don't know what the Thirty-Years War is? Well, let's start from the beginning. Years ago, the Earth was a molten mass…

Judge: He’s also as hard to figure out as the origin of Doug Walker’s gun. Where did he get that gun, you ask? Well, first we need to trace where the gun came from, which is said to have first been used during World War II. What? You don’t know what World War II is? Well, let’s start from the beginning to make this gag as drawn out as possible. Ages ago, it all started with a big bang...

Judge: Whitey, if you wanna work with this punk, then God bless you. But, Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes.

Jjs: The whites getting their way again. 😔

NC (vo): So Whitey offers to look after him as a referee-in-training. The performance of this white-haired little old man is voiced by…

Whitey: (in an annoyingly high-pitched voice) I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.

NC: (deadpan; sarcastic) Well, gee. It could be anyone. I mean, I don't have a clue. Maybe Sandler heard some angelic-voiced thespian from the Shakespearean theater and said, "He must be one of my leading stars."

Jjs: I’m personally gonna bet on Sdam Aandler, Sandler’s little known cousin.

Wumbo: Still better than whenever Doug Walker tries to voice a woman.

Steel: It could be that Rob Schneider fellow that you know all too well doesn’t exist.

Whitey: I've been doing my part for 35 years./Are you ready to join me, big guy?

NC: I mean, this is a character who's in, what, 70% of the movie? Thank God they found a voice so charming and so beloved to listen to.

Jjs: Ah, the irony. *sips tea*

Whitey: Now, I'd like to make this work./Teaching them responsibility!/Wow, Benjamin, an Etch-A-Sketch!

NC: That's 70% of the movie, people! 70% of the movie, you get to hear...that voice! 

Jjs: And sadly for 100% of this review, people had to hear your nasally voice. I’d say they had it better in comparison to this.

Steel: You can’t give yourself the time to educate yourself on something as simplistic as Pokemon and yet you’ll give yourself the time to assess this film enough times to make this estimation and put so much emphasis on it?

Just listen to how not-ear-bleedingly-bad it is to listen to!

Jjs: He wants us to listen so badly, he had to use the word twice! Editing! Try it sometime.

Steel: Your sarcasm is so unsubtle that I almost forgot that you weren’t being sincere [!].

Whitey: (laughing, speaking gibberish, panting, and having a seizure in the same "not-ear-bleedingly-bad" voice)

NC (vo): Enjoy how he is in no way worse than Jar Jar Binks

Jjs: I can tolerate you needlessly trashing Sandler, but dissing the lord himself is one of your biggest sins of many in this review!

Wumbo: JAR JAR BINKS BAD THIS IS REVIEW

Steel: Jar Jar would at least feel honored that the Critic would put him above someone else.

singing Bjork while scratching a blackboard with a screaming baby during a fire alarm in a house of howling mental patients.

Jjs: You could say that faster than a barefoot jack rabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August.

Wumbo: Yeah yeah the rabbit!

Frederick: Sincerest apologies to Star Wars fans, Bjork fans, screaming babies, and mental patients everywhere.

Steel: Oh Critic, what could we ever do without your incredibly specific yet disturbing metaphors?

Whitey: Technical foul! She had the courage to move back to town! You will not speak about her that way!

NC: In fact, I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions. 

Jjs: Finally!

I'm just gonna call Mr. Sandler right now to figure out who did that voice. (calls Adam Sandler (voiced by Rob Walker) on his cell phone, a picture of Sandler appearing to the left of him.)

Wumbo: I hope you enjoy this bit, because it is going to go on for… a while.

Frederick: Mr. Walker, in a surprise twist, gets the real Adam Sandler to appear in his review...via phone. Say what you will about the guy but finding a way to get the real Adam Sandler to appear in his review somehow is really impressive to this observer.

Steel: Oh no…it’s going to be that “joke” isn’t it?

Adam Sandler: Hello?

Jjs: Hey, this isn’t Pizza Castle!

NC: Mr. Sandler?

Sandler: Yeah.

NC: Nostalgia Critic. Long time admirer of your genius. Uh, listen, I just have one question for you. Who was that inspired old man who portrayed Whitey in "Eight Crazy Nights"?

Jjs: Imagine if he had turned this into a Trainer’s Choice gag. WHO’S THAT OLDEMON!?

Steel: Taking into account of his history with Pokémon, I wouldn’t be surprised if he runs it to the ground or flukes it by thinking that Arbok evolves into Seviper, or in the context of this review, Davey Stone evolves into Mr. Whitey.

Sandler: Uh, actually, I got a little secret for ya. It wasn't an old man at all.

NC: Whaaaat?

Sandler: No, actually, this is gonna totally blow your mind. It's me.

NC: ("surprised") No!

Jjs: I don’t remember how much time this wasted in the actual video, but I’m already getting tired of it in script format. I’d rather have more of Jingle Bell Cock than this. Yes, really.

Steel: I concur. Because I remember this particular skit so well, I know it’s only going to drag and drag and drag AND DRAG from here.

Sandler: Yep, it's me!

Jjs: IT’S BEEN SANDLER ALL ALONG!

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Steel: 

NC: NO!

Sandler: (sighs) Pretty amazing, huh?

Jjs: I for one am glad Sandler found time out of his busy schedule to respond to Doug's phone call. These are the true values of the holiday season we need to focus on!

NC: Mr. Sandler, I think I speak for all the world when I say that we, as a species, have seen actors become other people! But YOU, sir! 

Jjs: YOU, sir, have just given Doug his one millionth Sandler joke!

YOU have taken it to a whole new level! You are like some sort of mutant chameleon that we cannot see! You just become other things! Other entities!

Steel: Okay, cool, so are you going to drop the obvious act now? Oh wait, this is the Nostalgia Critic, of course he’s going to milk this skit until it’s squeezed dry.

Sandler: Well, thank you so very much.

NC: Oh, my God! And your choice to have him in the majority of this film so that we can hear your beautiful instrument! I just have to say... thank you! Thank you from behalf of all the world for letting us be a part of this magic!

Wumbo: And how are we… oh, not even halfway done with this bit. Okay, carry on.

Steel: Hey, you know what would’ve made this well-thought out and informative review SO MUCH better???!!! What if the vast majority of this review was this one HILARIOUS joke??? Then everyone would be able to COMPREHEND Doug Walker’s very own comedic genius as the ever-so beloved Nostalgia Critic! Top it off with his all-deserved bashing against the INFERIOR Adam Sandler and you have yourself a masterful work of an animated film review! He understands sarcasm so much that he’s had me convinced that if I too can make an overlong joke about my obvious, in-your-face, fake praise work, then he has such a good grasp on how to use sarcasm for comedy!!! Am I being funny, huh? Am I? AM I!?!?!

Sandler: Oh, well, you know, that's very kind of you to sa—

NC: FUCK Mel Blanc!

Frederick: Mr. Walker admits to being a necrophiliac and would partake in sexual intercourse with Mel Blanc’s dead body in celebration of finding out Adam Sandler is the voice of Whitey from Eight Crazy Nights.

Steel: Apologies to all Mel Blancs everywhere.

Sandler: Uh...what?

Jjs: FUCK BIN LADEN!

Steel: EFF JOHN CLEESE!- oh wait, I thought I’m still going with my previous joke when I wasn’t. Too bad the same can’t be said about this.

NC: The Man of a Thousand Voices! The voice of all the Looney Tunes! FUCK him! He is SHIT compared to your genius!

Jjs: Rumors say that this gag made Mel Blanc die a second time on this day.

Steel: It’s sad how Doug made Mel Blanc roll in his grave without being aware of the fact that he’s responsible for that...

Sandler: Well, that's going a little far there.

NC: No, no, no, no, no! If I could find a way to get his body and put little upside-down crosses on him to assure that he is rotting in Hell, because he even ATTEMPTED to be the best, when he knew that at one point, you would be born to bring us this Whitey voice, is an insult, and I! would! do it to him to make sure that he suffers for even trying to do something even better than you!

Steel: Say, this would be a very good idea to cut the joke. There’s no reason for this anyway. No one’s asking for this either.

Sandler: You're going a little overboard—

Jjs: I feel like Rob was subtly projecting his innermost thoughts here but didn’t have the heart to tell his brother up front.

Steel: Yes, at least his own brother understands our pain!...and I never thought that I’d ever see myself saying this.

NC: MISTER SANDLER!

Steel: You know the Critic delivers such powerful emphasis with “MISTER SANDLER!” when the transcript writer bolds the text.

Jjs: aaaand here's the major reason of why I did you all a solid by reading these instead of hearing them.:bruh: In addition to how overly long this gag is, Doug's voice is fucking UNBEARABLE in it. I don't know if the sound editor was sleeping that day or Doug's voice really is that obnoxiously loud, because his shouting in this "hilarious" skit grated my eardrums even back then. This is why I can't take his criticisms about Whitey's voice seriously (as valid as the complaint is) when he pulls this.

Sandler: Okay…

NC: It would be an honor—

Sandler: …you need to calm down.

Jjs: My personal headcanon is that this wasn’t in the script and is Rob Sandler’s genuine reaction from here onward.

Steel: Yeah Critic, could you just not step on Sandler’s gown?

NC: —for me to dig up the corpse of Mel Blanc—

Sandler: I, uh—

NC: —so that you could take your dick—

Sandler: Uh…

NC: —and shove it up his ass!

Jjs: By any chance, is this also a part of Jingle Bell Cock?

Wumbo: Still… still going, I see? All right…

Rob: Um...is this in the script, Doug? Or are you off on one of your unnecessary tangents again? 

Sandler: Oh, God.

NC: Because that is how little of a candle he holds to you!

Sandler: Uh…

NC: He HOLDS to you and your brilliance for Whitey from EIGHT CRAZY NIGHTS! (triple desk slam)

Jjs: ALRIGHT ALREADY, WE GET IT! Him complaining about the stadium scene in the Pokémon movie going on too long aged well after this.

Steel: I don’t want to have to pull out a standard clip from Monty Python, but it speaks quite a lot about where this joke is going versus where it SHOULD be going at this point:

Sandler: Uh, that's not really necessary.

Wumbo: Me at the last three pages of this shit.

Steel: You made your brother go off-script too. Look what you’ve done, Doug.

NC: It would be an HONOR!

Sandler: Please stop saying that.

Steel: Or...if I could make a helpful suggestion, you could just tell him to stop altogether. Just saying what we’re all thinking.

NC: AN HONOR, SIR!

Jjs: It would be an honor, to be your new stepfather! 

Steel: Critic, stop trying to be Zuko. You’re not Zuko.

Sandler: …Okay, you're scaring me and I gotta go. (hangs up immediately)

Jjs: Alright, that’s it! This has gotta be Rob’s actual response here, I refuse to believe this was pre-written!

NC: (drops the phone) THANK YOU, SANDLER!!!!!!!!

Jjs: IT’S FINALLY OVER, PRAISE THE LORD BINKS. Even when I first saw this review, I was waiting forever for this annoyingly overly long gag to be over with. It’s even more unnecessary and unfunny than I remembered. What is the difference between this and Family Guy, exactly?

Frederick: Again, I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen Tommy Wiseau’s overacting, George Clooney failing to be Batman, the Garbage Pail Kids being--actually, put a pin in that last one for now. Point is, I’ve seen the worst of acting in thousands of movies, yet Mr. Walker’s acting somehow makes those sound like Gene Wilder.

Steel: Oh thank GOOOOOOOOOOOD, so now that I’ve endured that big, long, stupid skit, I can talk about all that’s wrong with it. 

First of all, it has no reason to exist than to fill up the time that could instead be used to discuss, you know....the film itself. Second, there’s no way in hell that Doug must have felt so proud of this joke that he had to drag it on for as long as he did unless his ego IS that massive. Why else would he be holding on to this joke for so long? Is he trying to set a world record for it? In fact, do you want to know just how tedious that whole joke was, including the sarcasm that’s so painfully obvious that Doug takes on a whole new meaning with that figure of speech? Of course, I would be providing an example of the visual review and therefore exposing myself of giving it a single click, not that it bothers me since I had already wasted a few clicks of my life on this. 

Anyways, that whole sardonic spiel towards Sandler’s acting as Mr. Whitey, including before the phone call skit, Doug held on to this joke for three minutes and 23 seconds (and yes, I had to re-experience that skit in audio form for that. May God have mercy on my soul), according to the stopwatch timer I’ve set on my phone. All that time wasted on a poorly executed joke, just to exemplify how much Doug hates a character’s voice. On one hand, this could be considered impressive that he held on to this act for that long, but on the other hand, I would’ve minded it if it was subtle and clever, but it wasn’t. I can form a better joke like this, albeit one that’s less time-consuming, and there’s a good example in mind that I can make. I’m going to make a “totally” real phone call with Doug Walker himself right now...

Doug: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so-

HIRE A SCRIPT EDITOR YOU UNFUNNY HACK! ...Thank you for taking my call. *Hangs up.* That’s the end of my rambling, so let’s return to our scheduled riffing.

NC (vo): So Whitey shows him the ropes as referee 

Wumbo: Wait, we’re back? I think we need to drag out the joke a little more. Um… A CANDLE! HE HOLDS A CANDLE! AN HONOR, SIR! IT WOULD BE AN HONOR! FUCK BILLY WEST!

Steel: Excuse me Critic, but are you sure this is where you left off? If you had left the movie running during your whole pointless tirade, I’m certain that it had already ended.

and also reveals that he's hoping to win the Patch award, the highest honor the town hands out. But that won't help much as Davey, big shock, is an asshole to everybody.

Davey: Foul on this kid for eating everything in sight.

Kid: Huh?

Davey: Jelly Jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

[The kid begins crying]

Jjs: I think they’re a little late here, since Doug’s phone call ended a few lines ago.

NC (vo): You know how, with the Grinch, you kind of love to hate him? Well…Adam Sandler movies are worse than cancer. Yeah, I have no joke there.

Jjs: There’s this neat little trick you could do called editing your script if a joke isn’t working, but it’s Adam Sandler durr hurr he is the devil, so any childish insults will work, no matter how lazy, right?! At least I edit out riffs I don’t think are working.

Frederick: Cancer is no joke, and it should not be compared to Adam Sandler’s movies, regardless of its quality. After all, cancer is a disease that almost never goes away. You could watch Jack and Jill and not get a fatal disease afterwards.

Steel: Thank you once again for reminding us about your hateboner for this guy, Doug. Perhaps for your next joke, you’ll be telling me that Sandler was responsible for the war in Vietnam.

It just feels fucking good to say how much I hate Adam Sandler movies.

Jjs: Yes, you have established this already many times, but it warms my heart for you to tell us again. Makes good stalling when you need to pad out your video. 😉

Wumbo: Except for Hotel Transylvania which is the greatest animated movie of all time.

Frederick: Rewinding to Mr. Walker’s statement  from earlier…

“NC (vo): It especially sucks 'cause it comes from a person who, I think, can be funny”

Is he now changing his stance on Mr. Sandler and his movies? At one point of the review, I thought he would mature into the fair and balanced critic I would admire and look up to. Inconsistencies like this will get you nowhere, Walker.

Steel: Yeah, It must feel good for you. it’s not like you’re going to retract that statement later by compiling a list of your top 11 Adam Sandler films or anything-

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Good ol’ hypocrisy, you never let us down!

Davey: Good to see you still got those circus feet.

Whitey: Men's 11 right foot, children's 9 left foot.

Davey: Yuck.

Whitey: Now I assume you've done your—

NC (vo): It really is incredible hearing these two COMPLETELY different voices talk to each other, isn't it?

Wumbo: Please god no not again.

It's about as impressive as Christopher Walken voicing all the characters in Popeye.

Jjs: Or as impressive as you doing all of your voiceovers.

Frederick: Or as impressive as me voicing all the characters in The Nostalgia Critic’s reviews.

NC (dubbed by Frederick): They gave Batman his own credit card? They have the testicles to give one of the best superheroes his own credit card? I do not approve of this! Not at all! Do damage to my childhood, shall you?!

Steel: Sucks that not everyone can be like Mel Blanc.

(cut to footage of a Popeye cartoon, with Rob Walker voicing everyone as Christopher Walken)

Jjs: Today I learned Rob was the one who did these voices, which genuinely shocks me. You really do learn something new every day!

Steel: Doug, you’ve just made a skit poking fun at Adam Sandler’s voice acting that pretty much killed every other opportunity for you to make another joke of the like, there’s no reason for you to do something similar.

Popeye: Olive Oyl, let's say you and I have sex and stuff.

Bluto: Olive Oyl, I also wanna bang you.

Steel: Is this snippet along with “Jingle Bell Cock” an excuse for Doug to showcase his second career as a low-effort director of porn parody films? If this is the life that he’ll be heading after the Nostalgia Critic, then I pity him. If not, then I can at least pass this off as another piece of Critic-related lore.

Olive Oyl: Oh, dear. Well, I've got a thing for Elephant Man Syndrome, so I guess I'll choose you (Popeye).

Popeye: Me? Okay, well, (as he flips with joy) Imma do this weird thing where I'm naked and then suddenly I'm not. (Popeye toots his pipe) BLOW!

Jjs: Nyeheheh, hey Lois, remember the time I did a Family Guy cutaway voiceover gag about Popeye to make a point about Adam Sandler’s voice even though it’s not actually helping my criticisms and pads out the review?

(cut to NC)

Steel: Thanks for the heads-up, transcript writer. This must have been the fifth time that I forgot that this was supposed to be a review of an animated Hanukkah film.

NC: You just never know it was him the whole time.

Jjs: Technically true if you’re talking about your brother, cause I genuinely can’t tell the difference between your voices.

Frederick: This line here is very pointless to put after that scene. I get that it would be obscene for Christopher Walken to voice all the characters in Popeye but why would you reinstate the point you’re trying to convey after that skit? Of course, this is just me reaching for material at this point so I shall be quiet.

NC (vo): So Whitey feels a good way to get his attitude up is to take him to the mall.

Whitey: You need to clean your brain out, pal, and to me, the mall is the best place to do that.

Davey: So what's good about this place?

NC: (as Whitey) Product placement! 

Jjs: You said many times this voice is nails on chalkboard aggravating, but now you’re going to try to mimic it to annoy your audience? I used the stones to destroy the stones!

Steel: jTd4X90QXQcL_QjIi0nFmlbo1SpMS-UNg7vYFxXJ

No, I'm not even kidding! We let our sponsors do us like back-door whores! Look at some of these!

Jjs: Fun fact: The film’s director Seth Kearsley (who actually liked this review...he has one pure heart to tolerate this), actually revealed to Doug in an email after the fact that they never even got permission to use these product placements in the first place. So no, they weren’t “being done like back-door whores” (yep, only when Sandler does crude humor it’s bad I guess), and this can be true with several films that do product placement, but FUCK ADAM SANDLER AMIRITE!!!

Whitey: Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack. Pet Land for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo. Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express.

Jjs: *sips a can of Dr. Pepper*

Steel: *eats a Burger King cheeseburger*

NC: (in complete shock at what everyone, including him, just saw) Oh, my God. (pulls up the Man of Steel poster) Baby, I'm so sorry. 

Jjs: This was a more heartfelt apology than any of his others thus far.

Steel: I believe he meant to say that he sincerely regrets that Man of Steel felt that way.

I mean, I thought your product placement was the worst, but after seeing this... (ushers Man of Steel aside) You go and be subtle, I'm gonna suffer through the rest of this.

Jjs: Him bitching about product placement is kinda funny now given all the sponsorships Channel Awesome does.

Wumbo: Pretty fucking rich that he’s whining about a movie’s lack of subtlety when I pretty much got this joke after the first line, yet we have this one anyway for those Doug Walker fans that need a little extra guidance.

Frederick: I share the same emotion, Doug. I too shall suffer through the rest of your review. That is the main reason why I’m here after all. No nefarious plot to take over this site, of course.

Steel: You’re right, Critic. The product placement isn’t the worst thing about the film. That would be your 70-minute long review of it.

NC (vo): So, what's the only thing worse than listening to Whitey's doornail-in-your-brain voice? How about if he sings with that doornail-in-your-brain voice?

Jjs: Damn, foreshadowing The Wall six years in advance, that’s true world building right there!

Whitey: (singing) Everyone in town will be looking their best. (cuts to another lyric) When you feel nearly five-foot-threeeeeeeeee!

NC: (feels his eardrums explode in gushes of blood and smiles) 

Jjs: I sure hope his healthcare plan covers that.

And there went my eardrums! I should be sad, but I'm just happy I don't have to listen to Adam Sandler anymore! Ah, that's nice…

Jjs: Does this mean you can stop the review then? You can’t review while injured! Technical foul!

Whitey: ...waiting for me!

Davey: (after Whitey finishes singing) Can you take me home now?

NC (vo): The great irony to how obnoxious Whitey's voice is that Sandler does another voice as Whitey's sister who lives with him, and...surprisingly, is not that bad at it.

Jjs: Doug must have a serious Jekyll and Hyde internal struggle going on right now on if he wants to hate Sandler or not.

Frederick: The great irony to how obnoxious Whitey’s voice is that Doug Walker sounds miles worse than Adam Sandler.

Steel: Doug/The Critic seems to be very indecisive about whether or not he should be dunking on Sandler or if he should try and open our mind about him more. Seriously, pick a side. You’re not getting anywhere if you’re going to be two-faced with your comments.

Eleanor: You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you!/Mister, if you're gonna kill us, take off your wet shoes! They're soaking the carpet!

NC (vo): Oh, my God, why couldn't this be the character he interacts with? I mean, she's annoying, but she's much less annoying and actually sounds like a different person, at least. Why didn't they just go with her? Well, maybe because she wouldn't be nearly as funny being needlessly shoved down a Port-a-Potty and climbing out covered in poo!

Jjs: So again, even after all of this poop imagery, you still believed this could work in live-action?

(We see Davey putting Whitey in a Port-a-Potty and pushing it down a hill with Whitey in it. Cut to the Happy Madison audience (played by Malcolm Ray, Rachel Tietz, Jim Jarosz, and Rob Walker) laughing their asses off at the scene)

Jjs: who @ jim jarosz

Wumbo: WHERE’S GURU LARRY

Steel: Even back then, Doug had a rather small list of friends.

NC: Oh, that's right. This is a Happy Madison audience, where something that they see come out of them every day is suddenly hilarious because it reminds them of something that was scandalous when they were two years old. Watch. Poo!

Steel: Yeah, and since this is a Nostalgia Critic review, over-exaggeration towards a certain group by categorizing them as a bunch of dumb-dumbs not only makes him right, but also funny.

(Cut to Happy Madison audience, laughing once again. Throughout this bit, we see moments of the current scene playing out as NC describes them)

NC: Oh, look! He's (vo) freezing him to the poo!

Jjs: Oh, look! Doug is stalling out his review with another unfunny, overly long gag! *audience laughing harder*

Steel: Hey, I have an idea, how about I use this same kind of joke towards your fanbase, Nostalgia Critic? It would make me come off as petty, but if you have no problems attacking a specific audience for liking what you don’t like for cheap laughs, then I wouldn’t have problems doing the same. Hey look, NC fans, he’s making a mockery of Happy Madison fans for their sense of humor!

(Cut to Happy Madison audience laughing harder)

NC: Oh, look! A bunch of deer coming up (vo) to lick him out of the poo!

Steel: Oh, look! The Critic assumes this is what the Happy Madison audience thinks is peak comedy!

(Cut to you-know-who, doing you-know-what)

Steel: Goes to show that even the transcript writer can get annoyed by the Critic’s antics sometimes.

NC: And look! Abbott and Costello are (clip of Who's on First?) misunderstanding ball players’ names and starting positions!

(Cut to Happy Madison audience starting to think)

Wumbo: Oh look! I think that finding the most basic, cookie-cutter example of comedy to compare to some shitty Adam Sandler film makes me a genius!

Steel: With all seriousness now...really? Of all jokes you could use as an example of “smart person humor,” you call back to a “Hu’s/Who’s on first?” comedic routine that anyone could comprehend? ...Sure, go ahead and imply that the Happy Madison audience don’t know good comedy when they see it, let alone aren’t smart enough to understand a simple Abbott & Costello joke. Even if suppose they do go that crazy over toilet humor, at least they’re devoting their time enjoying something other than the “superior” and “intellectual” humor from your Nostalgia Critic character, Doug.

NC: Oh, no, they have to think for that! We don't want something smart here! This is a Happy Madison audience!

Jjs: Haha all Happy Madison audiences are braindead chumps! I sure bet his high IQ galaxy brain took a lot of time to craft that zinger, which was probably more than the time spent writing this review.

Wumbo: Doug Walker, having admitted he enjoys Happy Gilmore and 50 First Dates, is part of the Happy Madison audience. But I suppose to admit that now would lose him his aura of superiority, being someone whose frame of reference to all comedy is “Who’s on First”. So it’s much easier to just other people who like different movies than you (or, as discussed, THE SAME MOVIES) and pretend they’re a completely fucking different species. Make like a deer and eat shit, Doug. 

Frederick: Oh, Douglas...you sad, sad human being. This is the biggest example of Mr. Walker’s hypocrisy right here. As if he already hasn’t disproved his theory earlier in the review, he blatantly implies that anyone who enjoys Happy Madison movies has the intelligence of somebody beneath him. Granted, I’m not the kind of person who enjoys these films either as I prefer my movies to be more high brow, but Mr. Walker takes it too far by forcing his allies to represent the audience themselves in such an idiotic manner.

Steel: Okay look, Doug, or Nostalgia Critic, or whatever I should be referring to you as, if you don’t like a majority of Happy Madison movies, that’s fine by you. However, that doesn’t mean that you should be taking it all out on their audience, regardless if this is only meant to be played for laughs. If you do have a problem with people enjoying these films, then that’s on you, and you alone. 

The whole “but it’s just a joke!” defense doesn’t apply here because anyone with a brain can make out that this must be how Doug feels about Happy Madison’s audience in general. Taking this into a different perspective, if I was one of those so-called braindead Happy Madison fans, at the same time as being a Nostalgia Critic fan, I would’ve felt insulted that he would make the impression that I’m too stupid to understand what defines good comedy. News flash Doug, as harsh as I may sound for making this point, making petty jabs at Happy Madison’s audience and categorizing them as stupid, despite the fact that you don’t actually hate the studio’s films as a whole, doesn’t make you smarter in comparison.

This is the point where I feel that the review is really starting to take things too far. What’s else is that...I don’t think this is remotely the biggest line that Doug had crossed here (more on that later into the review).

Rachel: Where did I come from?

Jjs: You see, Doug wanted to do this show called Demo Reel and needed fresh talent…

Steel: I’d like to think that this scene in particular played a part in why Rachel left the series this early on.

NC: Oh, no, they're growing intelligence! Show another poop scene! SHOW ANOTHER POOP SCENE!!

Steel: You don’t know true pain until you resonate with the Critic’s turmoil from running out of poop scenes.

LOOK! THE DEER'S SMILING WITH POOP IN HIS TEETH!

(The Happy Madison audience is back to their unintelligent laughing ways)

NC: Now give them your money! They worked for seconds to think of this awe-inspiring humor!

Jjs: Luckily Doug over here only took a few seconds less to craft his awe-inspiring humor in this review. I see you Doug trying to go for that speedrun record!

Steel: Yet here we are in 2013, where it took you about two weeks to write, film, and edit this entire review. A for effort.

(The Happy Madison audience start throwing dollar bills at NC)

Jjs: Are we sure this is not from Jingle Bell Cock? 

Rob: Take it! Take it all!

("Feeding Time")

NC: Oh! It's feeding time! Who wants White Castle Slider Fruit Snacks?

Wumbo: What an oddly specific, convoluted reference to supposedly further your smug superiority over a group of people. Did someone have “White Castle Slider Fruit Snacks” (seriously, what the fuck) as a kid, and is suffering buyer’s remorse as the pseudo-intellectual they are now?

Jjs: Decided to google this out of legit curiosity and...

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Give this man a patent!

Steel: Oh, look, Nostalgia Critic fans! He’s now resorting to using product placement himself despite complaining about Eight Crazy Nights’ use of it!

(The Happy Madison audience clamor for the aforementioned snacks as NC releases a lever letting the snacks rain down on them while they bark like seals)

Jjs: At least Doug isn’t letting food go to waste and feeding people in need. Another wholesome value for the holiday season. 

Wumbo: All I can say is I don’t ever wanna hear this pinhead mocking anything for “lack of subtlety” ever again.

Steel: Remind me why again I’m supposed to find this guy’s humor so much better in comparison to anything coming from Happy Madison.

NC: (chuckles) It's funny because they shouldn't live.

Jjs: (chuckles) Portraying people as stupid animals for committing the vile act of finding Adam Sandler entertaining and saying they should die is also a pretty good knee slapper. Even at the time, I found this unnecessarily cruel. It feels like he went for the lowest juvenile humor here more than usual, which I guess is supposed to be a "parody" of Sandler's humor, but this is embarrassing on all fronts. 

Frederick: It is rather humorous because Mr. Walker should cease to exist.

Steel: Whatever you say, Doug. It’s not like this will act as a prophetic allegory for your public relations disasters behind the scenes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my 7-Eleven hot dog gummy vitamins, which of course makes as much sense as White Castle Slider fruit snacks.

NC (vo): Davey comes across an old high school friend he's forgotten about named Jennifer, which reminds him of how good he was at basketball and that maybe he can help Jennifer's kid go up against some bullies.

Steel: I hope you all like seeing the Critic drawing his attention back to the review itself, because it won’t be long before he loses focus again for another lousy skit or some pointless tangent.

Bully: If a midget and a drunk can beat us, I'd eat my own jock strap.

Davey: I'll play. But if we win, you gotta eat that guy's jock strap.

(Cut to a fat, bearded man bumbling around with the basketball)

NC: Now, Sandler, it's not nice to make fun of your typical fanbase like that.

Jjs: It’s also not particularly nice to compare them to unintelligent, fat, bearded men bumbling around with basketballs neither-hey look, POOP!!!

Wumbo: HOLY SHIT WE GET IT YOU FUCKING HACK

Steel: The more I trudge through this travesty, the more that I’m convinced that this review is just an excuse for Doug to bash Sandler and his audience. I mean, are there just no other kind of jokes you could come up with here? Did Adam Sandler break into your house and held you and your family at gunpoint or something, Doug?

Bully: We're shirts!

Whitey: Does that mean we're skins?

(Fade-out to the game with an unrealistically-ripped Davey facing the bully)

NC (vo): Boy, a guy who the movie says has been drinking for 20 years looks pretty damn ripped, doesn't he? 

Jjs: It’s not like drinking alcohol makes all of your muscles disappear, Dr. Walker.

You know, for a movie obviously trying to make Adam Sandler's character look like Adam Sandler,

Steel: OH MY GOD, NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ADAM SANDLER DOUG, PLEASE JUST DON’T START AND REMIND US ABOUT YOUR PETTY HATRED OF HIM AGAIN! Sorry, didn’t meant to have myself another Critic moment. Now what’s your point you’re trying to make this time?

I...don't think that's what he looks like with his shirt off.

Jjs: You wanna find out? *cue Jingle Bell Cock music*

Wumbo: jVq3_GixrNXAJ1wN6gfaN9CdcTsFr8BQBFdOD1nG

Steel: Good for you, now tell me what this has to do with your review of the film that you’re supposed to be reviewing.

Can we get visual confirmation on that? (a picture of Sandler in Grown Ups is shown) There we go!

Jjs: I am now convinced this entire review’s purpose was for Doug to find out what Adam Sandler looked like shirtless. As a bisexual myself, I for one dig this sudden twist, though I wish we didn’t have to wade through so much filler to get to it.

Wumbo: 1sSaz7HDswZd5eoS8gWYka7ur0gKuzMdGcO7lJ8G

(cut to NC) Slight artistic liberties.

Jjs: Yeah, almost like the animated film is taking those too. I am shook.

NC (vo): So, of course, they win, and the guy eats a jock strap. So as Davey and Jennifer drive themselves home, there actually is a nice song about how Jessica

Jjs: Her name was Jennifer. Looks like searching up ripped Sandler made him forget what he was reviewing for a bit. Get your eyes off of shirtless Sandler and put them back onto the movie!

Steel: A lot of his time must have also been spent writing petty, tsundere insults towards Sandler, so I think that contributes to this eff-up as well.

and Davey used to be young and, well, had a decent childhood.

Davey: (singing) Well, over there's my family home

Jennifer: (singing) And the woods we used to roam

Wumbo: West Virginia, Mountain Mama

NC (vo): But, guess whose voice constantly ruins it?

Jjs: You’ve already made clear many times whose voice you can’t stand, so gee, I don’t have a clue. Seriously, we get it, and I’m not going to repeat the obvious jab of Doug’s voice being annoying cause even I know how to branch out by this point. 

Wumbo: It is kind of funny that Doug interrupts the song with his voice complaining about an annoying voice ruining the song.

Steel: ....Yours? Aw man, you guys already beat me to it.

Jennifer: (singing) Back when he was nice

Davey: (singing) Before my warm heart turned to ice

Whitey: (singing, if you can call it that, in his sleep) My sister's wig once had lice!

Wumbo: Looks like whoever’s writing the script for the Channel Awesome wiki is taking liberties as well.

NC (vo): Fuck me, guy! 

Jjs: No.

Even Gollum with his annoying voice would be like—

(Cut to Gollum from "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers")

NC: (vo; as Gollum) Christ, buddy! You're killing Hanukkah!

Jjs: In addition to wanting to see Sandler ripped, this review also apparently only existed for Doug to show off his whack Gollum impression again.

Steel: If Critic says Gollum would hate Mr. Whitey, then it must be true!

Whitey: (singing, sadly still) The only time I had sex was on the phone!

(Gollum spits in disgust)

NC (vo): But Jock-Strap Guy gets his revenge later by burning down Davey's house.

(We see the bully Davey won against earlier burning down Davey's trailer home, leaving him and Whitey alone)

Whitey: You'll stay with me and my sister for a while.

Davey: I ain't living with you buffoons.

Whitey: What other options do you got, Mr. Rockefeller?

NC: You mean between freezing to death outside and listening to your voice? (singing as snow falls) Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Jjs: I’m guessing all of this review’s remaining budget went into that beautiful snow fall effect.

Steel: I should feel thankful that this didn’t lead to one of the Critic’s bitter jabs towards “Let It Go” since Frozen was merely brand-new at the time this review was released to the public.

(We cut to Davey hanging out with Whitey and his sister at their house)

Davey: Here's to you guys for letting me crash over. (opens a beer can as it spews out on the Duvall twins)

Eleanor: This is never gonna work!

Whitey: It'll work. We just need to set some ground rules so Davey knows how we do things around here.

NC (vo): Well, let's see, we've literally just gone three minutes. How about another testicle-stabbing song?

Jjs: ...He does know this is a musical, right? Another song coming this soon shouldn’t be a shock.

Steel: He could’ve taken the golden opportunity to say “Another testicle-stabbing song? That’s a technical foul!” But who am I to think Doug would be subtle?

Whitey: (singing; yes, again, but he's awake now) If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet, that's a technical foul!

NC (vo): Yeah, I'm sure this is one of those songs that Sandler just couldn't fit onto one of his albums, so...what the hell? Might as well waste about a dozen Korean animators on it!

Jjs: Yeah, it’s not like this film was a musical or anything. Expecting a musical to not have songs in it is like expecting a Nostalgia Critic review to have nuanced, philosophical depth.

Steel: I don’t know if you should be the one to talk given my experience with one of your Nostalgia Critic musical episodes (Foreshadowing!).

Whitey: (singing even more) There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister—

NC: (covering his ears) Jesus fuck!

Kanye West: (Jesus fucks!) God, show me the way because the Devil’s tryna fuck me down. (Jesus fucks with me!) The only thing that I pray is that my dick don’t fail me now!

Frederick: My apologies. It seems that this review is so terribly long that it caused me to change into Kanye West for a moment. Let’s move on.

(Cut to the ice rink as Whitey and Eleanor are laughing annoyingly)

NC: You know what? Let me try something. (takes out a remote and points it at the screen)

White: Just do a circl— (the sound is muted out)

(Cut to NC as pleasant piano music plays in the background)

NC: (sets down the remote) Oh, my God. That's-That's so much better! I-I can just look at the beautiful…

Jjs: Close Doug, but now try doing that neat little magic trick on yourself too, and then we all win.

Frederick: Doug borrows the remote from Click to silence the sounds of Adam Sandler. How a remote like that can’t exist in real life is beyond me, because it would certainly help me get through this review. However, it begs the question: Should I use the remote to fast-forward to the end of this review or go back in time to 2013 and stop Mr. Walker from making this review? It’s questions like these that prevent the best of inventions from being made.

Steel: Look, I know Mr. Whitey’s voice can be annoying to hear, but would it be such a hassle for you to just...suck it up? Congrats, you weaseled yourself out of trying to watch and analyze a film in its purest form by muting it halfway in. You must feel proud.

animation and not listen to dialogue from writers that were juggled as babies! In fact, I can just imagine my own story to make this one even better!

Jjs: Oh no. No more voiceover gags please. But then again, the alternatives are either another Happy Madison audience skit or Sandler phone call...this is a cruel world. ☹️

Steel: Actually, how about I try something for a change?

Mr. Whitey: You cheated not only the review, but yourself. You didn’t grow. You didn’t improve. You took a shortcut and gained nothing. You experienced a hollow victory. Nothing was risked and nothing was gained. It’s sad you don’t know the difference.

Benjamin (voiced by Rachel Tietz): Hey, Awesome Claus, what did you do today?

Davey (Awesome Claus, voiced by Malcolm Ray): Well, I made Christmas a whole lot more awesome this year.

Benjamin: Really? And how did you do that?

Awesome Claus: Well, I kicked Ron Howard in the balls for making The Grinch, shot every greedy fuck-ass who went shopping on Thanksgiving night, and produced eight Hanukkah movies that were actually funny to people who can count past the number four.

Wumbo: I get that part of this is trying to make a point, but this is seriously ten times worse than anything from any Adam Sandler movie. You cannot seriously write this and think “Wow, I am an intellectual compared to the Happy Madison crew”.

Frederick: I applaud your efforts, Mr. Walker, but making eight Tyler Perry Hanukkah movies isn’t any better.

Benjamin: Wow. I think my balls just grew while talking to you!

Jjs: This legit sounds like a line that’d be in the actual film, so your "point" here kinda backfired.

Steel: Wow. I think this Awesome Claus guy sounds like a massive douche and I wish not to put up with talk this any longer, lest he do the opposite of what he did to that Benjamin kid and make my genitals explode out of sheer revulsion from how I’m seeing him gloat.

Awesome Claus: It's all part of spending millions of dollars to animate something that actually makes an impact on somebody's life. (laughs) I'm Awesome Claus.

Wumbo: Also, what the fuck is “Awesome Claus”? Isn’t Santa Christ the omnipotent Christmas figure of Channel Awesome? Or is this the moment where Doug Walker shies away from his childish “memes” and starts to write scenes with characters named… Awesome Claus?

Steel: Boo, bring us back Mr. Whitey!

NC: God, this is great! The only thing I can't work around is the shitting deer.

Jjs: Work some of that magic 4Kids editing, just say it’s chocolate and you’ll be fine.

Steel: And I hate to break it to you, but not even you deluded Awesome Claus fantasy will fix that for you.

(We see an earlier scene of the deer pooping. Cut to, you guessed it, the Happy Madison audience shitting their pants laughing at shit once again)

NC: That's it! I've had it with this motherfucking Happy Madison and their motherfucking audience! (gets up and goes to the bathroom, taking a huge dump, then comes out) Hey, look, everybody! Poo!

Jjs: “Okay, stop! Stop! Look, whatever you call it, poopy or poo-poo, whatever. It's still shit! You're talking about shit! Knock it off! You're grossing me out!”

Hey, who said that again? 🤔 You seriously can’t rag on poop jokes and Sandler's own juvenile humor, and then do...this. 

Frederick: Mr. Walker, how dare you? Not only for mocking the Happy Madison audience for having a different taste in movies but also going to the bathroom and defecating with the door open and not washing your hands afterwards. Clearly this man would not fit in with today’s society and will probably die from COVID soon.

Steel: This could be another opportunity for me to poke fun at the Nostalgia Critic’s remaining fans in retaliation, but I’ve already realized that it make me come off as petty all the same as the Critic over the course of the entire review, so instead, take this non-joke for what you will.

(The Happy Madison audience run into the bathroom to see the "wondrous" spectacle while NC takes out a grenade, pulls the pin off and throws it inside the bathroom, shutting the door with his foot as the grenade explodes, killing the Happy Madison audience. NC stands firmly next to the door.)

Jjs: Someone had a little too much fun meticulously transcribing this, but who am I to judge.

NC: A moment of silence for the Happy Madison audience. (puts his hat to his chest and immediately puts it back on his head) That was fun.

Jjs: In a dark, shocking, sudden turn, Doug has let loose his hidden murderer side once more. It’s intriguing how he once again was kind (or foolish?) enough to record it live for the authorities to see. Perhaps part of him wants to be caught.

Wumbo: The joke is, I murdered people who think differently from me.

Steel: So, you’re not even going to give them a proper burial? Then again, who am I to expect this from the Nostalgia Critic?

(Cut to the commercial break. After the commercial, the movie resumes)

Jjs: Whatever the hell that sequence was, it was brought to you by our sponsor: White Castle Slider Fruit Snacks! Now trademarked by Channel Awesome.

Frederick: Mr. Walker goes to commercial break, presumably because he has to clean up all the blood and hide the evidence that he was the one behind the Happy Massacre of 2013. But we all know what you did, Doug. Jjs knows it. Wumbo knows it. Steel knows it. The readers know it. Even the tiny talking elephant that lives under my hat knows it. Isn’t that right, Rutherford?

Rutherford: Indubitably.

Frederick: See? I was right. Me and Rutherford will not rest until we see you behind bars, Mr. Walker.

Steel: Are we finally at the ad break point of this review, and we’re like...what, 47 pages in, including all our riffs, according to Google Drive? *Sigh* Moving on...

NC (vo): So here's a fun question: What's even more pathetic than having your cast full of unfunny and unlikable characters? 

Jjs: A review of the movie with an unfunny and unlikeable character would certainly qualify.

Frederick: I can think of something more pathetic. How about having a critic show with a cast of unfunny and unlikable characters? And then forcing those characters to perform boring and unnecessary skits just to pad out the review? However, the idea of a show like that would be absolutely absurd! That would never actually happen.

Steel: Hey now, you’ve just killed the group of Happy Madison fans that you let inside your studio. There’s no need to bad-mouth them any further.

Having a serious death scene acted out by a cast full of unfunny and unlikable characters! Yeah, uh-huh, they go that route. They actually give Davey a backstory involving his parents dying in a car accident. And, of course, this is the reason he's such a jerk to everyone. 

Jjs: What, did you want Judge to give this backstory for us instead so you could get in another cheap shot at the guy? To be fair, I don’t think this was handled well in the film either, but at least they tried to give him some excuse for his behavior, which is more internal consistency than this review has if nothing else.

Yeah, because a movie with shit-eating deer, three-breasted women and an extreme close-up on hairy white asses CLEARLY can segue so easily into heavy drama like this! 

Jjs: A review with Jingle Bell Cock, an overly long phone call, and an extreme hard-on hateboner towards Sandler CLEARLY can segue so easily into thoughtful criticism!

But to make things worse, I mean, the REAL FUCKING candle on the cake! 

Jjs: A CANDLE! HE HOLDS A CANDLE!

Steel: This is about your visceral hatred towards Mr. Whitey, isn’t it? We already know, so you don’t have to hype this up.

Guess who tells the story?

Jjs: I don’t know, why don’t you make another hilarious Sandler phone call gag to find out? You’ve wasted enough time in this review.

Frederick: Playing us for fools, eh, Walker? This is your review, I don’t see why you have to ask us the questions. Then again, if he’s going to be getting this much information wrong, it must be our job as intellectuals to tell him what the answer is. It’s that judge guy, right?

Steel: To repeat one of Jjs’s riffs: “WHO’S THAT OLDEMON!?”

Whitey: Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.

NC (vo): That's right, the backwards squealing pig himself! Fucking Christ, they couldn't even keep him out of the emotional scenes!

Jjs: You already nailed into our head he’s in SEVENTY PERCENT of the film earlier, so why are you surprised by this? It’s kinda fascinating at how inconsistent this review is.

Steel: I wonder if anyone who had watched this review had to do any sort of wild guessing that this is who he’s referring to.

Whitey: Turns out they were on their way to the ball game when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible could happen—

NC (vo): Guh, really, guys? Really? Are you really so stupid to think that the voice that only made you laugh when you were two years old...and drunk...is the voice you want to deliver such heavy material? 

Jjs: Depends, are you really so stupid to think that the voice that only made you laugh when you were fourteen years old...and high...is the voice you want to deliver this “critique”?

Steel: To their defense, I’m certain that those particular drunk two year olds can make a good argument on why Mr. Whitey’s voice made them laugh.

Frederick: Mr. Walker now seems to be encouraging two year olds to drink alcohol. This is not the spirit of the holiday season.

Why don't you just have Chris Tucker deliver the bad news while you're at it?

(Cut to a sad-looking Doug sitting in a chair while Chris Tucker (Malcolm) speaks from behind him)

Jjs: Remember folks, racially stereotyping people is only bad when Adam Sandler does it!

Steel: Who’s willing to bet one of the main reasons Doug’s got Malcolm attached to this series is so that he could have the excuse to make as many cheap jabs against Chris Tucker to his heart’s content? What other reason could it be than to remind us, once again, that he finds Chris Tucker to be annoying?

Tucker: Oh, my God, your parents are dead! One minute they fine, then BOOM! Gone! They blowed up! Gone in a fiery inferno! KFP! Kentucky-Fried Parents! Crispy! Extra-fried! Oh, my God, they gone! Gone forever! Like me in Rush Hour 4! Except they didn't make it! 'Cause Jackie's like a bajillion years old now! But he can still kick my ass! Oh, my God! Your parents are dead!

Jjs: Alright, come on now, which one of you guys changed the riff material to Family Guy?

Frederick: I suppose next, he’s going to make a joke with Doug Walker starring as Jim Cavi--Cavee--Cavisel? The guy from the first one?

Steel: I know I’m going off-topic here, but I have to admit it. Kentucky Fried Parents sounds more alluring to me than White Castle Slider fruit snacks.

(Back to the movie)

Whitey: He basically shut down.

Young Jennifer: I really don't know what to say.

Young Davey: There's nothing TO say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now leave me alone.

Jjs: Happy Hanukkah, ya filthy animals.

Eleanor: (cries and snorts at the same time)

NC (vo): Ah, yes, and Eleanor's cry-snorting makes the scene even more powerful. Jesus fuck, what do they do for an encore? Read the diary of Anne Frank?

(A cover of the audiobook of "Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl" appears, with Whitey's picture beside it and the text "As Read by Whitey" appearing under his picture)

Jjs: I never thought “She would’ve been a Belieber” would’ve been topped, but this one might do the trick.

Frederick: As Told By Whitey*

Steel: There should be a witty joke for me to make towards this, but….um, it’s better off if I said that I’m at a loss for words.

Whitey (voiced by NC): "Despite everything, I believe people are good at heart."

Eleanor (voiced by NC): (cry-snorts)

Jjs: Once again, what a fantastic way to address Jewish oppression! I don’t wanna keep ragging on this too much since it was a minor part of the review, but come on, don’t try to trick us into believing you’re deeply concerned about a group and rant about Sandler's portrayal of them if you’re going to turn the other cheek and make jokes like this. Maybe Jingle Bell Cock has a deeper meaning than I think, because this review sure is sloppily inconsistent in what it wants to convey, much like porn itself.

Whitey: Quiet, Eleanor, you're ruining the weight of my incredibly dramatic voice! (gibberish)

Wumbo: TOO SUBTLE

Steel: And I apologize if I had ruined the weight of your incredibly dramatic voice, Critic.

Jjs: I’m glad Doug put his voice acting talent front and center in this review, since it’s clear that’s where all of his effort went instead of the actual script. Neither Blanc nor Sandler hold a CANDLE to this talent!

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): This, of course, puts Davey in a bad mood again and causes him to rebel.

Davey: Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch? So he can pretend people actually like him?! If they have an award for the freakiest-looking fraternal twins who no one even gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning! And you're bald! (tears off Eleanor's wig)

Jjs: No, I'm not bald! I'm alive! Now stop this review and tell all of your friends to go home Douglas, it’s getting late!

Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.

Davey: Good! Your house SUCKS!

NC (vo): And, you know, just as a testament to how fucking bad this movie really is,

Steel: *Inb4 his inevitable and one-thousandth Adam Sandler sucks eggs banter* 

even with the backstory that his parents were killed when he was young, they still make him too unlikeable to sympathize with! 

Jjs: Maybe you should show how instead of telling us, or I guess we’re just supposed to take your word for it, that’s fine.

Steel: I could tell that you’re referring to Davey’s outburst, or his clips of when he was a child, or both, as they are what you’ve played above to establish your point, but isn’t Davey’s behavior here and there what you would have normally expected from his character? However you may feel this scene should’ve been played out, keep in mind that it was so that the film could introduce its conflict.

Even the Grinch narrator would be like—

Grinch narrator: You’re a mean one, Mr. Critic. You really are a bore. You make me stab my ears off, these reviews are such a chore, Mr. Critic!

Steel: If the Critic said that the Grinch narrator would say it, then it must be true-! hey wait, I already did this kind of joke before.

(Clip of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas")

Thurl Ravenscroft (voiced by NC): And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the, uh— (picture of Davey in rage appears) Oh, hell, no! I'm going with (cut back to the Grinch) the green guy! At least he didn't make (picture of cover of) Jack and Jill. (singing) That movie was shit!

Jjs: The moral of this review is that the more you keep edgily saying “shit”, the more it’ll make it seem like you have better humor than Sandler and trick us into thinking you’re making a point.

Wumbo: Bad movie is bad!

Frederick: And given the choice between watching this review or getting eaten by a hungry crocodile, I would definitely choose the hungry crocodile. At least then, my sanity wouldn’t have to slip this much.

Steel: Given a choice between the two, I’m certain that the Critic wouldn’t hold a candle to a seasick crocodile. No wait, I mean to say, A CANDLE! HE WOULDN’T HOLD A CANDLE-! 

(Back to the movie)

Narrator: Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey…

NC: Was that what we were supposed to be doing?

Jjs: If you had bothered paying attention to the movie and not wasting your time making countless jokes about Whitey’s voice or Sandler, there was a whole plot line of them trying to make Davey sympathetic and be a better person up until this point, which he decided to conveniently leave out of this review, so yeah, we were. It wasn’t handled well in execution, but he’s being very deceitful to his audience here by leaving out that somewhat important part of the plot. This is why I hate how this guy is still seen as a poster child for film criticism when he misleads his audience like this. At least when I riff something, I riff in its entirety.

Steel: Thanks for pointing that out, captain obvious.

Narrator: ...he goes and has a butthole relapse.

NC (vo): Well, as you heard it put so eloquently, he breaks into a mall, going on another rampage. Ooh! Does this mean we possibly get even more product placements? Oh, hell, why don't we just have the product placements come to life and save the day?

Jjs: What subtle and clever foreshadowing to his Foodfight review months later. The MCU’s got nothing on build up like this!

(As Davey breaks into the mall, several shop icons start coming to life)

Foot Locker: Everybody wake up! This is not a rehearsal!

Radio (Shack): Roger on that!

Chair from The Sharper Image: Let's do this, people!

(Cut to NC in complete shock)

Jjs: He acts like he saw the like-dislike ratio on The Wall here.

Steel: Since this is 2013, I’d say he looks shocked towards the poor reception of his Sailor Moon review.

Panda (Express): Come on, kids! Our hot and sour friend is here!

Wumbo: Add this to the list of things that sound wrong but you can’t really put your finger on why.

KB Toys Soldiers: We're coming, we're coming!

Steel: After the unfortunate closure of KB Toys since after the release of Eight Crazy Nights, the KB Toys Soldiers would never be seen or heard from again.

Foot Locker: (sings) We all heard what happened at the skating rink today...

(Cut to NC still in shock)

Jjs: Doug is paralyzed! He is unable to review!

Steel: Do I smell another overlong gag from the Critic coming up afterwards? I sure hope I’m wrong.

NC: (sighs) All right. I gotta know. (walks off)

Steel: *credits roll*

Jjs: Hey, your paralysis didn't wear off yet! Technical foul!

Frederick: I don’t see why we can’t stop now. Well, that review was pretty awful but at least it’s finally over--wait, there’s more?!

(Cut to Rachel texting in the hallway as the poster for "Eight Crazy Nights" walks by her, NC following behind)

Jjs: Film posters can apparently come to life too now. Wonder what sort of sorcery Doug used to pull that off and how much it ate up from the budget.

Rachel: Hey, Critic, where are you going?

Wumbo: “I’m off to hire your replacement.”

NC: Rachel, don’t you remember that little show we did together with Malcolm and Rob? Well...get ready for Demo Reel 2!

NC: Well, the movie's whored itself out to everybody. Might as well see what it's like.

(NC, apparently, has sex with the movie, which makes in-heat women sounds (courtesy of Rachel Tietz) with NC coming back seconds later once the deed was done.) 

Jjs: I genuinely have no idea right now if I’m in Nostalgia Critic, Eight Crazy Nights, Jingle Bell Cock, Family Guy or Riffing Theater. I’m more confused than Doug probably was after having sex with the movie.

Wumbo: You know a Nostalgia Critic review has gone off the rails when even the script-writer can’t believe this shit. “So, uh, then this happens, I guess! He has sex with a movie. Huh.”

Steel: Well, if this NC episode is giving up here, then so am I. *closes door*

Rachel: How was it?

NC: Empty, hollow, and not over nearly fast enough.

Jjs: It’s not very nice to compare this review to your sexual experience. 

Rachel: I could've told you that.

Wumbo: Apologies to woman EVERYWHERE!!!

(NC looks at Rachel in confusion)

Jjs: I hope to god that wasn’t a genuine attempt at a cliffhanger.

(Back to the movie)

Steel: I’m back. Well, at least that skit was short-lived. Too bad the review is still going though.

NC (vo): Yep, this is literally every ad executive's porn as all the product placements come out in colorful personalities and sing a song about how Davey needs to let go of his emotions. The irony, of course, is that not only would all this money be spent on a movie that no one would see, but I kind of think the people who own these corporations thought this might be a kid-friendly holiday film. 

Jjs: Whatever clever point he was trying to make here pretty much nulled itself now that we know the film never was sponsored by any of these companies to begin with. 

Wumbo: Ah yes, the kid-friendly fare often made by Adam fucking Sandler. Just because YOU’RE stupid and shortsighted doesn’t mean corporations have to be.

Steel: I know the Animation Age Ghetto is an attitude that still persists to this day, but if any of those corporations had given Happy Madison the go-ahead to use their respective products of the film, I don’t think they’d be dumb enough to think that it would be for a family movie.

I don't know, do you think GNC would be okay if it was being portrayed as a stalking pervert?

Jjs: This is coming from the guy who literally just had sex with the movie.

Dress from Victoria's Secret: I've been lying in my bed tossing and turning.

GNC: I know. I was watching you. (The dress looks at him) I mean, uh, me, too!

NC (vo): Would KB Toys really want to be in a film that spent half of its focus on shitting deer? Do you think they have a toy tie-in for that?

Jjs: They do, but unfortunately, there was no tie-in toy for a singing Whitey because the company was afraid of hurting Doug’s delicate eardrums.

Steel: Are the whole pooping deer scenes going to your counter-argument on everything regarding this film’s existence? 

(Cut to a video of a deer toy that shits brown jelly beans)

Jjs: PRODUCT PLACEMENT!

NC: Eww.

Frederick: No reference to those idiotic slobs you use to portray the Happy Madison audience? I’m impressed. At least you had the decency to end that running joke there and not repeating it again later in the review, right? R-r-right?!

(Back to the movie)

NC (vo): So, thanks to the biggest cinematic corporate orgy since (cover of) Foodfight!, 

Jjs: Just throw us in a few more winks and nudges that you were gonna review it, since this review hasn’t been very subtle as is.

Davey opens up and finally cries over the loss of his parents. This doesn't mean much, though, as some cops bust him for breaking and entering.

Cop: Save your sorries for the judge.

Wumbo: “I can’t! He won’t let me get a word in edgewise as he spews exposition!”

NC (vo): But thankfully, Sandler's super-athletic body also has lightning-fast reflexes and he outwits the cops.

Wumbo: It’s an animated movie.

Jjs: His hots for Sandler’s bod sure is giving me major Ben Garrison vibes. I for one welcome this since it’s at least some diversity beyond the usual shitting on Sandler that this review has mainly consisted of.

Steel: Are you being for real Doug, or is this another one of your backhanded Sandler compliments? Don’t think you can fool me.

NC: Nothing takes down the (picture of Sandler) double-chin with the (picture of Jacob from the Twilight Saga) Jacob-style abs!

Steel: Oh hey, dunking on the Twilight franchise was apparently still a thing in 2013.

NC (vo): But they find out at the banquet that night that Whitey didn't win the Patch award.

(The attendants cheer for the actual winner as Whitey gets up and leaves.)

NC (vo): Aw, what a shame. He was such a nice guy, too. I mean, this is the man who so selflessly left after his award he didn't win was announced. This award was for humbleness, right? 

Wumbo: He’s seventy years old and has been waiting for this award his whole life. I think he’s earned the right to feel a little upset? God, this review is so bad it’s making me sympathize with creepy animated Sandler gremlins.

Steel: At this point, Doug, I’d like to know what defines a sympathetic character to you so I can make sure that you’ve been paying attention to this movie and you just haven’t been goofing around thinking about whatever “funny jokes” you were going to write aimed against Sandler and his fans.

But it's okay, because Davey has another annoying song to sing.

Davey: (sings) I was such a shithead, but he never quit on me...

NC (vo): Except for that part where he said you weren't welcome into his house anymore, 

Jjs: Actually, fun fact, Doug: The lyric after that does mention that moment. The complete verse is:

"I was such a shithead, but he never quit on me, till I told him he was useless, and his sister was freaky" 

That’s what happens when you cut off the full context though. Once again, you’re deceiving your audience for the reasons to hate the movie by leaving out context. Even if this was an honest mistake, it's still not a good look since he was going for a more "professional" (lmao) approach in the post-revival era. I’m genuinely baffled by this regardless, it’s not like you need to go on a perilous quest for reasons to hate an Adam Sandler movie.

Steel: Moments like these can make an accurate suggestion of what the Critic’s writing and/or editing process is like if his Nicktoons review doesn’t try to mask up that his commentary on Hey Arnold! is completely done blind. Perhaps he is misleading his audience, or he’s just not paying enough attention, which is a vital job for a film critic like THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC to commit to.

but why bring any part of brain activity into this movie now? This inspires the crowd, who we established a moment ago only has a few Jewish people in it, to randomly do a Jewish dance.

Jjs: You know, more than Jewish people can do a Jewish dance, right? But who am I, I’m not the Jewish savior here like Doug proclaimed to be at the start and apparently forgot about after that. 

Cop and Chang: Bum-biddy-biddy-biddy-bum-bum...

Everyone: Bum-biddy-biddy-biddy-bum.

NC (singing to the tune of "If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on The Roof): If this were a good film, yubba-dibby-dubba-dibby-dibby-dibby-didda-dum!

Jjs: REFERENCES! Sweet, sweet, delicious references to distract you from any actual substance! 😋

Frederick: Once again, Mr. Walker is reminding me of something I would rather be watching than doing this review.

Steel: Just leave it to the Critic to complain about this movie having another annoying song by singing a song himself in an otherwise annoying fashion.

NC (vo): So everybody meets up with Whitey at the mall, they hand him the award, and the moment is so touching that even Davey's hallucinations start crying. Seriously, is he imagining that or what? 

Jjs: Perhaps he took my advice and took a hit of the fresh Jersey weed. Boy, do I envy him.

Any chance we can end with the most annoying sound in the world?

Whitey: (gets a seizure right on cue)

NC: Thanks.

Jjs: Apologies to people with epilepsy everywhere.

NC (vo): The credits start to roll and I'm blown out of my ass to discover that FOUR people wrote this piece of shit! FOUR people?! How the flying fuck do you think that process worked?!

Jjs: Yes Doug, more than one person can write a movie! I’m glad you’ve added that insight to your power-up list. Doug really can evolve as a reviewer! 😃

Wumbo: It only takes one to produce a masterpiece like “Melvin, Brother of the Joker”, so there’s really no excuse.

Frederick: What, did you think Mr. Sandler was making an independent movie? Many movies, good or bad, usually have more than one person writing it. Perhaps you should have hired more than one person to write your criticisms. One person makes the script, another person checks for errors, and another revises your script for you. Was Matt Damon the only person who wrote and directed “Good Will Hunting”? If you’re going to criticize movies, at least act like you know what you’re talking about.

Steel: Yes, it indeed took four people to write this one particular film, and your point is...? It took only you and your brother to write the review’s script. Take a good look at how that panned out for you.

NC: "Duh, we make movie!" (Bangs his head on the desk) "We make movie!" (Does it again) "We make movie!" (And again.) "Duh, I write POO!'"

Jjs: Durr people who write movies I don’t like STUPID! This is honestly unnecessarily nasty for the sake of it. None of this has been funny at all and kinda makes me pity the Happy Madison people. Never thought I’d be playing defense for Team Sandler but here we are. Maybe some of these insults could’ve worked in a tongue in cheek way if Doug was an actual clever writer, but not in this dimension.

Steel: I don’t want to be obvious and say that the same would apply to you, but yeah, this situation could very well apply with your own script writing process.

(Shockingly, the Happy Madison audience returns from the grave to laugh their shit-stained training diapers off)

Jjs: I like this transcript writer’s attention to detail by reminding us their diapers are shit-stained. More consistency than Doug’s own review. 

Frederick: Oh hello, unnecessary running gag, how I did not miss you so. Wasn’t Doug Walker the mathematician who coined the equation “Not funny + not funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY” a few years back? Apparently, all it takes to break his own criteria is for Adam Sandler to exist.

Steel: They wore diapers in their scenes? Where are their corn dogs and fairy princess outfits?

NC: Hey, how about that? People may die, but stupidity is forever.

Jjs: Critics may die, but they’ll find a way to keep chugging on forever.

Steel: They died for your sins, so who’s the stupid one here?

[Clips from the movie play out as NC gives his closing thought]

NC (vo): This is not only one of the worst holiday specials ever made, this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. PERIOD. 

Jjs: Is it also one of the worst musicals you’ve ever seen too while we’re padding, or has that aspect still slipped your mind?

Steel: Well, that explains your overblown, bitter rage throughout this whole thing, huh?

I cannot believe how unfunny it is.

Jjs: After all of your attempts at “humor” in this review, I don’t think you have much ground to stand on. Both sides miserably failed this battle of the wits.

Sandler's voice acting is probably the worst I've ever heard in my life, and the movie couldn't even keep its mean-spirited tone. In a strange way, I could at least have a touch of respect if it was meant to be unlikable from beginning to end, but no! 

Jjs: Oh please, given how inconsistent this review is, we both know that’s not true. You still would’ve hated it even if it committed to that.

Steel: Yeah, far as I’m concerned, not every one of those mean-spirited moments were mean-spirited just for the sake of it.

They fed in this emotional bullshit that they actually think is gonna make you feel that special holiday feeling. Seriously, guys? After this? (Cue shitting deer) 

Jjs: Kinda like how a certain reviewer tried to bullshit us by pretending he cared about Jewish people’s issues, only to do a "hilarious" Anne Frank voiceover.

Frederick: Yes, we get it, Mr. Walker. Everything stinks.

Steel: Shut up about the deer pooping scenes. We get it! You don’t like seeing defecating animals!

The only holiday feeling I got from this is similar to when I puke from drinking too much eggnog. And every time I see this incredible animation meshed up with it, it makes me wanna punch those (cut to Happy Madison audience) fucking idiots that keep Happy Madison popular when (back to movie) better talent could be utilized for better stories. Fuck...this...movie!

Wumbo: Holy God man, you need to work out some issues with people that like movies that you don’t like. Like, I get this is for the lolz or whatever, but the joke just boils down to being overly angry for trivial reasons, and using violence to resort to it. This isn’t a review. This is a cry for help.

Frederick: Threatening to punch out the audience who found this film funny? Even the same people in that audience that religiously watches your reviews? How...not so classy. You don’t see me doing a show where I talk balderdash about you and call your audience boorish neanderthals still trapped in their parents’ basement.

Steel: Third that I feel the Critic is taking crap way too personally here, but I’m saving this sort of commentary for what’s to come next, and it’s going to get ugly... 

NC: And to all the Jewish people who are saddened that THIS is the only well-known Hanukkah movie, I apologize for all of you. 

Jjs: An American Tail is also a thing, but I know you're our shining knight in armor here, so yes, please keep pretending to care about the Jewish community for them.

To make up for it, here's a picture of Hitler roasting on a menorah.

(Cut to said picture)

Hitler: Ach du lieber!

Jjs: Looks like a good painting, right? Congratulations, you just enjoyed one of Adolf Hitler’s artworks.

Steel: I don’t know how plastering a pic of Hitler roasting on a menorah will help the Jewish community cope with having one Hanukkah film in them, but I won’t judge you for it. I’ve dealt with enough for one review.

NC: And now here's one with Adam Sandler.

Steel: …

(Cut to said picture)

Sandler: WHYYYY?!

Frederick: Looks like a good painting, right? Congratulations, you just enjoyed one of Doug Walker’s artworks.

NC: That one wasn't for you, that was definitely for me.

Steel: NOW this is where I’d have to judge. Doug...either you do have some respect for Adam Sandler, or you don’t. If you hate him so much to the point where you’ll make a joke by plastering a pic of him roasting a menorah and say something along the lines of “oh yeah, that’s definitely for me because that scumbag deserves it!”....then good for you, I guess. You know what isn’t good though? Showcasing just how unhealthy your hatred is of someone who has only committed the crime of being partly responsible for making one bad animated Hanukkah film. Even though you try to say nice things of him, those comments end up falling on deaf ears because of how superimposed this review is on attacking Sandler. Say what you will about Misanthro Pony. At least he hasn’t gotten this far with his hateboner towards Doug/NC.

Jingle Bell Cock, the overlong phone call sketch, the overblown stupidity of the Happy Madison audience, Awesome Claus, White Castle Slider fruit snacks, Kentucky Fried Parents, the Critic straight up nutting the film, no matter how dumb all these moments were, they don’t hold a candle, and I mean THEY DON’T HOLD A CANDLE to this. This is the moment that accurately sums up this review in a nutshell: an excuse for Doug to give a big fat middle finger to Happy Madison and its fan, and all that for something so trivial as making/enjoying something that he doesn’t like. It’s moments like this where you have to give yourself a few steps back and think about whether or not you’re overreacting. There’s constructive criticism, and then there’s…...this:

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Once again, the “it’s just a joke!!!” argument is irrelevant here, because none of these jokes were ever funny to begin with, nor are they worth forgiving. I thought Sandra Lee combining the most non-kosher ingredients and just calling it a Hanukkah cake was the most disrespectful, yet unintentional and non-lethal Jewish hate crime ever committed, but that doesn’t compare to Doug trying to get an entire Jewish community to rally against one of their own over something that’s no big deal to anyone except him, let alone for his own self-gain. With all that said, this is why I think this is where Doug really crosses the line with this review. Thank Yahweh we’re nearing the very end of this big mess.

I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I have just seen the absolute worst holiday special I have ever witnessed in my entire life!

Jjs: We already know he’d end up overwriting this claim two weeks later so this line aged on arrival.

Steel: I think he already ate those words right after posting the review when he remembered that the Star Wars Holiday Special exists.

Frederick: Congrats on making that claim for the umpteenth time in this review. Do you want a cookie every time you call “Eight Crazy Nights” a bad movie?

(Credits roll, 

Jjs: DING!

saying that a worse holiday special will be reviewed on Christmas Eve.)

Jjs: Probably should’ve cut out the bold claim of it being “the absolute worst holiday special I have ever witnessed in my entire life” then if you were going to tease us with that, yeah?

Channel Awesome Tagline: Whitey: Technical foul! Technical foul!!

Jjs: This was absolute deer shit. This genuinely felt like an awful episode of Family Guy instead of a coherent review. Wumbo was right this review’s script really needed another draft...and a third draft...and probably a fourth draft too. I’m actually kind of shocked at how much was structurally wrong with this. I mainly went in expecting to riff on Doug being loud and obnoxious, which he was, but instead I ended up finding a hidden treasure trove of other problems: more cultural ignorance by pretending he's the holy savior of Jewish people which he ends up shoving aside for cheap jokes anyways, annoyingly repetitive, unnecessary bashing of Sandler and his audience that comes off cruel instead of funny, weirdly inconsistent points, some of the absolute worst “humor” I’ve seen in any of his reviews, and straight up deceiving your audience about what you’re reviewing, which is extremely unprofessional and dishonest. Eight Crazy Nights is a bad movie and I’m not going to defend its honor, but even I would want a critic to fairly review it as is instead of bending elements to fit their predetermined opinion. That aspect is what sours me most about this review even more than the gags, further killing any integrity or credibility Doug had as a reviewer. You can’t even give him the “exaggerated for comedy” excuse you feasibly could’ve given to his earlier reviews, because again, he's trying to be "professional" in this era, and if it was a genuine dun goof, he's never acknowledged it. But of course, people still eat up this guy as a golden standard for film criticism, who I will not dehumanize like Doug did to the Happy Madison audience, but it’s still something that should be called out. If any other reviewer had left out context like Doug did here, they would’ve been hung at the gallows, but because Doug did it, it’s “okay.” I know the guy has a runtime to abide by and not everything can be covered, but for fuck’s sake, you could’ve chopped out some of those dumb gags to make time, so I feel there’s no excuse here. This review is a shining example of how just because a bad movie is being reviewed, that doesn’t make the review itself automatically good. Next riff, our halfway point, we’ll hop to 2014 for a review so bad that it made me stop watching this show on a regular basis. Oh boy. I’m jjs, and we the people riff Nostalgia Critic so you don’t have to watch him!

Wumbo: The lack of self-awareness is absolutely mind-boggling here. Maybe that’s part of the joke, but that feels like the same lazy excuse that CinemaSins uses to cover up their mistakes and inconsistencies. I genuinely feel bad for any video reviewer that had this guy be the face of their entire medium. Technical Foul! Technical Foul!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to enjoy my favourite treat, White Castle Slider Fruit Snacks.

Frederick: I think it’s going to take me more than eight crazy nights to forget about how awful this review was. I tried to keep every instinct in my body calm enough to show fury towards this review. Even after the Happy Madison running gag. Even after the unnecessary long gags. Even after all the inconsistencies he made throughout this review. I just...can’t. Honestly, you know what? Taking over the SpongeBob Community is just not worth it. I am going to devote the rest of my life to making sure Mr. Walker pays for the crimes he hath committed in this review. I caught Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, and similar people for all of their crimes and I’m going to make sure Doug Walker is next.

Fred (offscreen): Not. So. Fast. 

(Fred is revealed to be pointing a gun at Frederick’s head)

Frederick: Fred? What are you doing here?

Fred: I know what you were going to do to me and jjs, and I’m here to stop you.

Frederick: Wait, hold on! I’ve made some changes! I want to live!

Fred: Yeah, right. You think I’d be foolish enough to believe you?

Frederick: I’m really serious. I’m on your side now! Join me, and we can both work together to take down that awful critic and make the world a much better place. What do you say?

Fred: I say….REACH FOR THE SKY, DIRTBAG! (shoots three bullets into Frederick’s chest)

Frederick: Ouch! What the hell was that for?

Fred: You really think I’d be that stupid? Why did you think I’d be able to believe you?

Frederick: That’s because…

(Frederick takes off his mask, revealing himself to be…)

Past!Fred: ...I am you.

Fred: What have I done?! Does this mean I don’t exist anymore? But, what would the world do without me? What does this mean for the SpongeBob Community? WHAT HAVE I DONE!

(Fred wakes up in his bed)

Fred: Ugh, I had that terrible dream. I dreamt that I was riffing The Nostalgia Critic’s Eight Crazy Nights review. Only it wasn’t me, it was just a more verbose version of me that was actually revealed to be myself from the past in some sort of cliched skit I’m pretty sure The Nostalgia Critic has done before. But at least I’m alive. Now let’s get to riffing The Nostalgia Critic’s Eight Crazy Nights review!

Steel: As one of the biggest critics for this episode, I can just say that everyone else above hit the nail on the head explaining all that’s wrong with the episode, and I’ve already said my lengthy piece on this beforehand and I also expressed some elaborate points during this review, so I’ll sum it all up by saying that the Critic’s review of Eight Crazy Nights is a shining example of Doug/NC taking things too personally and letting himself get consumed by his own anger.

So, how I can end my thoughts on this review differently? Taking advantage of the film and review’s instances of product placement, I’d like to give a shout-out to a relevant sponsor for this installment of Riffing Theater, the Nostalgia Critic-itis Recovery Organization. Nostalgia Critic-itis is a disorder that affects one of several aspiring internet critics. Symptoms include over-exaggerated anger, hypocrisy, making forced gags or memes, cutting to a random out-of-place skit, going on unnecessary tangents, and in worse cases, having an inflated ego. If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Nostalgia Critic-itis, you are entitled to financial assistance and as well as self-improvement on the medium of critiquing media of any form. If you or someone you know is in need of psychological assistance after the Channel Awesome fallout, then feel free to apply for this organization’s services.

Before any of you ask if this is technically me cutting to some worthless skit, then I argue that you’re wrong as this is a sponsorship ad although it’s not a serious one. You know what else isn’t serious? This forced meme that I just came up with: Hands off my rice cake! You know, this reminds me of the time I slept on the wrong side of the bed the other night and...oh my god, I think I have Nostalgia Critic-itis. I HAVE NOSTALGIA CRITIC-ITIS!!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW-  wait, is that...a bat credit card? A BAT CREDIT CARD!?!? *proceeds to go on an unintelligible, ballistic rage*

...In other words, this review is a piece of poop. What a shocker.

 

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Episode VI: The Lorax

Spoiler

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Jjs: OH BOY! This is it, the review that made me stop watching Doug’s circus regularly. Everyone has that one Nostalgia Critic review where they go “hmm, I’m not feeling this anymore” and this was my spiritual awakening. When I first saw this one in May 2014, I absolutely fucking hated it. Everything about it just rubbed me wrong from start to finish. It left such a bad taste in my mouth that I stopped keeping up with the show regularly, and while there were a few scant reviews I saw afterwards, my interest just was not in it anymore. Not even a year after I got into him, and this was the one killed my interest altogether. This is pinpointed by many to where his skits began to wear out their welcome and start to overtake the actual review. In addition to the skits being awful, this review is also one of Doug’s most pretentious and egotistical ever made. Once again, the conflict of Doug being unsure if he wants to be a goofy reviewer or a serious one comes in full display here. This review is the perfect example of why Doug cannot work as a serious critic. For this entire review, you’re basically being golden showered by Doug Walker’s bad writing and “superior intellect” which he uses to epicly own a mediocre Dr. Seuss kids movie. There’s no better halfway point for this series than this one. This one is also coming at an appropriate timing after Dr. Seuss’ “cancellation”. And who says Riffing Theater ain’t up to date with the times! Every ingredient and planet has aligned nicely for this riff. Let’s go.

Clappy: Here we are. One of the worst Nostalgia Critic reviews ever made. Sure there are some mighty giant stinkers now, but none as jarring as this one. Definitely one of the top three worst reviews in his entire discography signed, sealed, delivered. There’s Doug being unfunny and there’s Doug being lame. But you want to know the worst type of Doug? When he’s so pretentious and so deep up his own ass to the point that he self-proclaims himself as the voice of reason. So let’s not waste any more preamble. Let’s get this over with.

OWM: Here I am again for riff #3. I’m fairly sure these are worsening as we go on. How exciting.

JCM: Reading up on the responses by people who are actually familiar with NC...is it too late to go back?

Steel: Nostalgia Critic’s review of The Lorax was #18 on my twenty worst NC reviews list and the fact that this is what most folks here have been clamoring to talk about for this riffing miniseries has put my original placement of it into questioning. In fact, the most response I’ve gotten for that big review I’ve done was towards my unusually low placement for this review. I even asked for some reflections regarding why they’ve pinned down this review so much before then, and it hasn’t helped much for me in forming my commentary for it.

With this review being referred to as one of Doug’s absolute worst as the Critic by everyone else here, and as well as being Jjs’ very breaking point that made him erase Doug/NC in his good books as a reviewer and comedian, I am giving this review another look, in transcript form. As far as I may be concerned, I don’t think I’ll be expecting Eight Crazy Nights levels of bad so my commentary won’t be as harsh, but I expect my feelings about this particular review to change in some way.

We fade into a scene with a little boy and a tree (both played by Tamara Chambers) in a scene reminiscent of "The Giving Tree".

Jjs: Hey, this isn’t the usual Doug pointing his gun at you intro! What gives!?  

Clappy: Because Tamara Chambers rejected the offer to play the entire cast of Seuss classic, “And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street”.

OWM: I wonder if Doug and Rob know that Dr. Seuss didn’t even write The Giving Tree. Knowing the amount of research they do for these episodes, I’m sure they don’t.

Steel: So here we have reference that doesn’t have to do with Seuss himself. Suppose that The Giving Tree is still a cherished classic in children’s literature, its presence would make sense. I could wonder how this retelling could possibly be better in comparison to the subject of this review. Knowing the Nostalgia Critic, however, I don’t expect this sketch to be worth my time.

Narrator: (played by Malcolm Ray, vo) Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy. Every day, the boy would come and say...

Little Boy: Gosh, I love you, tree! Let's be together forever!

Tree: Why, that would be lovely, child. And I will always be here for you.

Jjs: Is this tree played by Scarlett Johansson?

OWM: I heard she’s accepted a new role in the upcoming Mulberry Street movie: the Chinese man who eats with sticks.

Steel: I hope Tamara has been compensated well acting for two for this brief sketch.

Narrator: The boy loved the tree, and the tree was happy. But time went by, and the tree got older and the tree was often alone.

OWM: The fans loved the Nostalgia Critic, and the Critic was happy. But time went by, and the fans got older and the Critic was often alone.

Fade to white

Jjs: Fad.

on the same shot as the little boy returns (played by Doug Walker) dragging an ax behind him.

Clappy: I’m surprised he didn’t write the little boy growing up to be Devil Boner.

Jjs: fip7b7NUbmPYvVQvQ3OQmunctAkRomyz3pcrJkTn

Narrator: Then, one day, the boy came to the tree, and the tree said...

Tree: Come, boy! Come climb up my trunk, and swing- (he swings something, alright,

Clappy: Giggity.

Steel: I don’t think that pun was necessary, whoever wrote the transcript.

as he starts chopping the tree down) AAH! AH! STOP! NO! AH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! AAAAAAAAH! (The tree falls to the ground and the little boy drags her off as she grunts and pants through the pain) Why, boy?! Why have you done this to me?!

JCM: You must have compared him to Disney’s Doug.

Steel: Here’s also hoping that Tamara has been compensated well even after having to provide a blood-curdling scream for the good ol’ Nostalgia Critic.

Wait. What is that? (The little boy picks up the tree with surprising ease.) What IS that?! ("That" is revealed to be a wood chipper modified into a "Paper Maker") 

Clappy: The transcript writer sure is having too much fun pointing out how absurdly stupid this is.

No! No! Nonono! Think of the memories we had! Why would you- (The boy tosses the tree inside, letting her scream in agony as he watches nonchalantly. 

Jjs: Doug has now murdered an innocent tree, live once again for the world to see. He knows no bounds to his crimes. I do find it fascinating how he's even willing to even target non-humans now, adding a bit of diversity of his victims.

What remains is a pile of papers that pop out of the machine. Lightning strikes as the little boy looks down upon the papers and picks them up. He slaps one onto the wall, revealing it to be a poster of...)

Little Boy: Go see The Lorax! Find out how you, too, can save the trees!

Cue the Nostalgia Critic opening.

Jjs: Oh, there it is. That may be one of the awkwardest attempts at a "cold open" I’ve ever seen.

Clappy: Who even hands out fliers to see movies anymore? What era does he even think we live in? The 1930’s? I get the gist of what he was trying to do with this sketch, but the execution doesn’t work. And this is only a small glimpse as to how misguided his pompous attitude is throughout this review only begins.

JCM: I couldn’t think of a lazier joke than “a movie about saving trees is advertised using paper which - GASP - comes from trees”. I’m sure that connection took Doug a whole three seconds to make.

Fade into a shot

Jjs: Fad.

of the Lorax Mall adorned by all things anti-Seuss/With buildings towering overhead that marketed up the wazoos/Lorax Mazda Cars, Lorax IHOP, Lorax Pop Songs, Lorax Toys/

Jjs: And don’t forget the chicken at The Lorax Express.

Clappy: What a shock. A top ten worldwide grossing film made money from merchandise. What’s next Doug? Are you going to criticize those Marvel movies you love for having a continuous story?

OWM: Lorax: The Flamethrower. The kids love this one.

Steel: And let’s not forget to mention The Lorax condoms. I heard those were very popular.

All plaguing the minds of our dear little girls and boys./And above all of that, towering over the crowds/Is, regretfully, the movie that drove the dear Lorax to the ground…

JCM: hey that doesn’t rhyme

The crowd (played by Rob Scallon, Tamara Chambers as a little girl, Doug Walker, Jim Jarosz, and Malcolm Ray) watches the movie.

Jjs: Once again, I am asking who the fuck is Jim Jarosz.

Clappy: Someone who sucked up his way to a partial acting gig.

OWM: Why, only one of Channel Awesome’s most important assets of “sparkle sparkle sparkle” fame! Do your research, riffers!

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Steel: No love for the Nostalgia Critic’s photoshop artist, huh?...It makes sense because looking at the graphic design quality in the visual review...dear lord, how is two weeks worth of design quality no different from the quality during Doug’s one review per week strategy?:

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Aunt Grizelda: Who invited the giant furry peanut?

Lorax: I'll go right up your nose!

Once-ler: Whoa, you wouldn't hit a woman!

Lorax: That's a woman?

The crowd laughs themselves silly as they watch the trainwreck play/

Jjs: But you just said earlier they were watching a movie, not a play. Even the transcript writer is having a tough time transcribing what is even happening in this skit, which is when you know Doug’s skits are starting to get a bit too overindulgent if even this deity from beyond can’t comprehend it.

OWM: And to think they do it for free.

Steel: One review done in the Seuss rhyme scheme was enough/Even in form of a transcript, we wish not again to deal with this kind of stuff.

While the Nostalgia Critic stands alone on the street, seeing the angering display.

Jjs: He’s just standing there, menacingly!

Clappy: How dare other people like something that I don’t!

Steel: “CGI orange man bad,” the Critic says.

NC: I am the Critic. I speak for the Seuss/Observing how all of this BULLSHIT got loose!

JCM: now that seuss has been cancelled can we cancel nc next

Clappy: Doug, you already rhymed an entire review to mediocre results.  Don’t.

Jjs: You speak for the Seuss, huh? Is his ghost communicating with you from beyond the grave? Right off the bat we have one of my biggest issues with this review: Doug mightily acting like he knows what's "best" for Seuss, when the man is dead. I get this is supposed to be a cheeky reference to the material in question, but when you see how the rest of this review goes, it becomes apparent that Doug truly has deluded himself into believing in the role of Seuss's holy messenger, which makes this so cringeworthy. This is almost a precursor to the people who try to speak for what Hillenburg would've wanted for SpongeBob, and coincidentally enough, Doug is just as obnoxious as them here! Seems like he really did lay the blueprints for modern media discourse in more ways than we think.

Steel: He speaks for the Seuss so we don’t have to.

Cut to the monitor, which now plays clips in a flash/Of all the commercials that displayed the Lorax with his big, bushy mustache.

NC (vo): The Lorax, a book that's read by a ton/Has been ripped into shreds, and can't be undone.

Clappy: Oh quit being so overdramatic. They’ll just remake it again in another ten-fifteen years and you’ll act like the 2012 version was far superior.

Cut back to NC.

NC: The timelessly written book for all ages/Succumbs to the dumb of the focus-group cases!

Jjs: Eminem’s got nothing on these bars.

Steel: Perhaps the Critic will release a rap mixtape later on. Would it be better than his The Wall album or would it be worse? You decide.

Clappy: 1RSgIn.gif

In their HQ, the "focus-group cases" celebrate their success/The Critic is evidently not pleased with what has transgressed.

Jjs: I see someone is throwing in their own cute rhymes to play along. Whatever helps them get through this, I guess.

NC: Well, I'm standing up for the small hairy orange/I'm going on up there and- ... You know, I'm done rhyming. (NC walks into the building)

Jjs: Whew, legit the only good decision made in this entire review. Let’s all be grateful Doug didn’t spend this whole review trying to rhyme. There’s a dimension where things could always be worse, never forget.

Clappy: And that dimension was his live-action Grinch review. Next.

OWM: “Door hinge.” Come on, even I could do it.

JCM: I’m JCM. I speak for the riffers, and I don’t believe that presentation could have gotten any stiffer.

Steel: All glory to the word ‘orange’ for preventing this from becoming a repeat of the 2000 Grinch review.

(Cut to an office where the focus-group cases turn out to be Analyst 1 (played by Rob Walker) and Analyst 2 (played by Malcolm Ray) from The Cat in the Hat review, giving themselves a toast, using the book "The Lorax" as a serving tray.)

Jjs: Doug really acted like he was doing deep levels of lore and continuity here with this callback. For me personally, this kinda shows how stretched for material he was if he’s resorting to bringing this gag back instead of making new material. However, without spoiling at the moment, the more you go through this review, the more it'll become clear why he brought this gag back...

Clappy: To be fair, I actually liked the Analyst gag. The first time. They sure know how to kill a recurring gag the more they repeat it. 

OWM: Sit tight guys, it’ll all come together once Doug takes on the secret Dr. Seuss movie cabal that these analyst guys have been running for years.

Steel: Did we need to see the return of these characters? Well...the charts says-

Analyst Malcolm: To The Lorax being a huge hit.

Analyst Rob: Yes. Now let's see if we can make a live-action version of "Goodnight, Moon" starring Madea.

Clappy: Talk about being morbidly curious about something being so intentionally bad...Tyler Perry, can we make this happen?

JCM: Already bought my tickets.

Steel: Interesting idea you guys got there, but I’m saving my money for the gritty live-action rendition of The Little Engine That Could.

Cut to NC, who barges in more pissed than ever.

Jjs: He didn’t even knock! Add breaking and entering to his list of crimes.

Analyst Rob: Oh, great. Another pep-talk from the "Seuss Nazi". Or as I like to call them, "Seuss-zis".

Jjs: ...This line certainly did not age well, to say the least.

JCM: Maybe you like to call him that, but I doubt anybody else on the planet likes that you call him that.

Clappy: You could call him: The Seuss Snob.

Steel: Back during SOF’s Exciting Critic Corner, we’ve referred to SOF at some point as the “Spin-Off Lorax,” so I believe it would make more sense to call the Critic the “Seuss Lorax.” I haven’t seen the Critic go on a Seuss film fan gassing spree, so it wouldn’t make sense to call him a “Seuss-zi” unless that happened, and thank goodness Doug learned his mistakes from the ECN review and we don’t have a cutaway joke for that.

NC: (starts randomly pointing at Rob and Malcolm) 

Jjs: WATCH THE POINT!

You think you can get away with dumbing-down Dr. Seuss like you did with The Cat in the Hat and The Grinch?! 

Jjs: Was the Horton movie spared from your wrath?

Clappy: I don’t know, why don’t we ask him?

crbFj6f.jpg 

JCM: I wonder what he thinks about the Hard-R sequel Horton Hires a Ho.

OWM: I think this scene was more than enough reason to spare that movie:

Steel: The Lorax is animated while the other two were made in live-action, so I think you turned up at the wrong focus group office, Critic.

(suddenly realizes) ...Follow-up question: Didn't I kill you two?

Jjs: Actually, no, they killed themselves. Doug should probably remember his own gag characters’ lore first before bringing them back, or maybe his senility is acting up, idk. And yes, I’m embarrassed as all of you that I remember this. :bruh:  

OWM: Please, jjs. Doug kills so many things on a regular basis it’s become hard for him to keep track. Like his career, for example.

Steel: And this follow-up question is going to prove itself to be pointless, given the twist that we’re going to see later on in this review.

Analyst Rob: We're like mononucleosis. We never fully go away.

Clappy: The Nostalgia Critic going until Doug Walker turns 80 confirmed.

Steel: If this proves my just-made-up crackpot theory that there is a pair of focus group analysts for anything, I wonder what NC’s analysts would be like.

Analyst Malcolm: And we often put you to sleep.

Jjs: Aww, how kind, he's going to read me a bedtime story!

Clappy: True.

JCM: *wakes up* Where am I?

NC: Don't you see the harm you're doing to the wonderful world Dr. Seuss created?

Jjs: Easy tiger, it’s only 2014, “cancel culture” doesn’t even exist yet. Speaking of though, this line certainly takes on an interesting new context now after this year. :Laugh:  

Clappy: So shall we be expecting Doug Walker to pop up on Fox News any day now to defend the nostalgia cancellation? 

Analyst Malcolm: The box office disagrees.

Analyst Rob: Indeed, the people love it. (Toast)

Analyst Clappy: I mean just look at that Rotten Tomatoes score…

Transcript Writer Clappy: *the Critic’s head explodes*

Analyst OWM: And look at the award nominations! We have the makings of a Great American Film here.

Analyst Rob: It’ll even become a goldmine of memes come late 2016/early 2017, just you wait!

NC: But that's what's making it worse! Do I really have to show you the obvious problems you're causing?

Jjs: Since when did Doug become the holy defender of Dr. Seuss, anyways? 

Clappy: December 2011. The first time he ever showed any signs about giving any sort of shit about Dr. Seuss.

This is another reason why everything about this review feels so forced and pretentious when it’s something I doubt he’s even that passionate about to begin with.

Analyst Malcolm: No, but I get the feeling you're going to, anyway.

Clappy: What gave it away? The video title?

NC: (sits down) This is The Lorax!

Jjs: *gun shot* Don’t catch you slippin’ now.

JCM: NC be trippin’ now.

Steel: Look what he’s whippin’ now.

The Analysts groan in annoyance.

Jjs: You two could just leave, you know. It’s not like Doug is holding them at gunpoint to stay here. Don’t they have jobs to do instead of listening to some random critic? Great, now I’m delving too much into the stupid skit lore. I think I’m finally having my own mental break.

Clappy: Replay this clip every time Doug gets pretentious in this review because that’s me in real life while watching it. So yeah. A lot of groaning.

Steel: You know something’s up when Doug makes his sketch characters share our pain.

Cut to the movie.

NC (vo): We open in Thneedville 

Jjs: Formerly Sneedville.

OWM: Formerly formerly Chuckville.

JCM: Formerly formerly formerly Retroville.

Steel: Formerly formerly formerly formerly the subject of a repeating Riffing Theater joke waiting to happen.

as the credits roll, a town made completely out of plastic and where no trees exist at all.

Townspeople: (singing and dancing) Thneedville! It's a brand new dawn...

NC (vo): (sighs) I'd like to thank this film for making me realize how sick I am of over-the-top upbeat musical intros.

Jjs: I’d like to thank this review for making me realize how sick I am of Doug’s tired schtick.

Clappy: Let me go ahead and find every musical review you’ve done since this and ask that again...oh and Rob Scallon…

Steel: This is what you get for not expecting this film to be a musical first thing, yes?

NC: Sorry, opening to the (a poster for the 2011 Muppets movie appears) Muppets movie. I have to hate you now. (booing is heard) BLAME THIS MOVIE!

Jjs: Shouldn’t you hate your own intro by that logic or does that get the magic pass?

JCM: He has the n-word pass (n standing for “nutty musical” of course).

Clappy: And here’s another irritating recurring “joke” from this review that pisses me off. Doug throwing shade on movies that he finds a tad overrated while also continuing to shade Seuss films for unoriginal tropes and being “of the time”.  I could go on and on about Doug’s nitpicking of these when he likes other movies for having similar tropes, themes, etc. But we all know Doug’s a hypocrite who loves the hot takes. Carry on.

Steel: Indeed, I will blame one particular film for making you change your opinion on something because of your opinion on the former, because apparently, it’s your feelings that matter, and not everyone else’s.

NC (vo): So we see a Gap Kids commercial (Ted Wiggins) meet up with an Abercrombie and Fitch commercial (Audrey) voiced by "timeless acting giants" Zac Efron and Taylor Swift.

Clappy: Doug Walker isn’t a Swiftie confirmed. Another reason for basically half of SBC to hate him.

Jjs: He does know Zac Efron had a noteworthy acting career at this time even outside of High School Musical, right? But who cares about accuracy when I can act edgy instead. ?

Steel: Meanwhile, this review is being carried out by a Lunchables Kabobbles commercial, played by none other than Doug Walker.

Audrey: Oh, hi, Ted.

JCM: How’s your sex life Ted?

Ted: (snaps out of his daze and starts speaking) Oh, hey. Audrey. Hi.

NC (vo): Wow, that is not the voice I expected to come out of that kid. You know, because, a twelve-year-old boy should always be voiced by a TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD MAN, right?

Jjs: Could be worse, could be a 30+ year old man with the voice of nails on chalkboard. Also, this "criticism" can literally be applied to anything animated ever in history, why is this film the only one getting this nitpick? Already stretching for points to pad out the review, that's a good sign.

Clappy: Exactly. My apologies to all voice actors everywhere. God forbid that guys in their 50’s and 60’s can’t continue to make paychecks for voicing anybody of any age. Kids have to voice kids now and actual infants have to voice babies. BLAME THIS REVIEW!

OWM: Instead they should hire twenty-six year-old women. Makes a lot more sense.

Steel: To be fair, why deal with child labor laws when you could have a B-list movie actor fill right in easily?

Ted: Alright, cool. Hey, I gotta run. I gotta go do a thing. So, I'll see you, guys.

NC (vo): I'm pretty sure that's how they did it in The Iron Giant, isn't it?

Jjs: This legit sounds like the same type of setup for a Family Guy cutaway gag.

JCM: Man’s as obsessed with referencing The Iron Giant as Warner Bros. in every movie that isn’t The Iron Giant.

Cut to footage of The Iron Giant, where Hogarth goes to jump in the lake. Hogarth is dubbed over by Doug Walker doing an over-the-top man voice.

Jjs: Please our lord Danny DeVito, no more Doug Walker voiceovers. I’ve had enough of those after the Eight Crazy Nights review for a lifetime.

"Hogarth": HEY, DEAN! WATCH THIS! BANZAI! (jumps into the lake and shivers in the cold water) U-U-U-U-UGH... C-C-COME ON IN! TH-TH-TH-THE WATER'S GREAT!

Dean: No, thanks.

"Hogarth": YOU... WEENIE!!!

Jjs: I literally can’t picture these as anything but Family Guy cutaway gags now.

Peter “Proud Family Man” Griffin: YOU THINK THAT’S BAD...REMEMBER THE TIME A WHINY 30+ YEAR OLD MAN RUINED THE IRON GIANT!?

Steel: This could be a good setup for me to double down on this cutaway joke by having myself dubbed over by Fluttershy, but the Riffing Theater doesn’t have the budget for it, so...just imagine reading this in the character’s voice. 

Cut back to The Lorax.

NC (vo): It turns out this girl is an (flamboyantly) artist 

Jjs: Snootily making fun of a character being an artist is...10/10 film criticism?

Flamboyant Clappy: And this guy makes fun of Care Bears movies in 2021.

OWM: And we make fun of a guy who makes fun of Care Bears movies in 2021.

JCM: So does that mean the joke’s on us?

Steel: Says the (flamboyantly) artist who created Demo Reel.

(normal) who paints pictures of trees, and dreams one day being able to see a real one.

Ted: If a guy somehow got you one...

Audrey: Well, I'd probably marry him on the spot. I bet that sounds crazy. Does that sound crazy?

Jjs: Not as crazy as a guy trying to make a deep, profound message out a review for this movie.

Clappy: Why don’t you check back in in a few riffs Audrey to see what crazy really looks like.

Steel: As we’d all say, we’ve dealt with far crazier things, so you’re pretty normal, Audrey.

NC: ... Well, that depends. Do you mean it literally, or do you have a good sense of humor, or- (quickly) Nothing else is going to be revealed about you in this movie, is it? You're just a bland piece of Who-ass

Clappy: New nickname for WhoBob confirmed.

to get his Truffula growing so he can set out on this movie's hypocritical quest. Aren't you?

Jjs: They’re both underage, brah. Let’s not callback to the Sailor Moon review either.

JCM: Attacking little girls for liking to draw trees and flirting with a boy. Very cool!

Steel: Thanks Critic, I’ll have to hate Truffulas now that you’ve made me not think of them being a metaphor for a male genital. BLAME THIS REVIEW!

Audrey: And people said that the touch of their tufts were softer than anything.

Jjs: When you're stretching for material, comedy and critique wise, just find an out of context line to misinterpret as an innuendo! He speaks for the Seuss, trust him!

NC: Well, any other cliche'd characters or, as I like to call them, "cliche-acers" you'd like to get out early in the movie?

Jjs: Any other easy jabs you wanna get out early in the review or will those be magically sprinkled as we go along?

Cut to Grammy Norma, skiing down a slope and blowing a kiss to a random skier who wipes out afterwards.

NC (vo): (in a "kewl" accent) The hip rockin' granny! Okay, okay. Any others?

Clappy: Fuck you man. Betty White is a national treasure.

Steel: I guess the Nostalgia Critic’s grandmother didn’t love him enough to make him think that your grandma-type character has to be dull and uncool to be considered as good.

Cut to Mrs. Wiggins.

Mrs. Wiggins: Disco! (starts dancing to disco music)

NC (vo): (in a goofy accent) The embarrassing parent! Painful. Very painful. Any others?

JCM: Hates children: check. Hates old people: check. Hates slightly younger old people: also check.

Cut to Aloysius O'Hare.

O'Hare: The more smog in the sky, the more people will buy!

NC (vo): Oh, of course! The corporate bad guy who owns the town with no redeeming elements whatsoever. You could call him the missing Captain Planet villain: (text appears reading "Shempy") Shempy!

Clappy: Boo! You stink!

Jjs: I like how Doug was kind enough to provide his viewers with extra handholding for a "joke" that really didn't need to exist.

OWM: Something something it’s just a few bad apples and not the system itself.

Steel: Dude, no one is ever going to call him that.

Marketing Agent: "How can I possibly make even more money?!" Haha, we can tell ya, sir! We can tell ya!

NC (vo): Why, he's so evil, he actually wants to sell fresh air to people because their pollution is already destroying the air that they have. Um... (screenshot of Spaceballs with the can of Perri-Air appears) Spaceballs did it?

Jjs: I’m sure the Lorax writers had Spaceballs on their mind when writing this in.

OWM: I’m sure I did. (please someone catch my reference that’s all I ask)

Clappy: You mean other screenwriters aren’t allowed to have callbacks to influential movies from yesteryear? Guess we aren’t allowed to like anything anymore. BLAME THIS REVIEW!

Steel: Indeed, a film had used a similar concept that has already been done in another, different film. And your point is…? At least this review was from 2014 and not from the year after, otherwise I would fear this would segue into the Jupiter Ascending review where the Critic would nitpick the film for “copying” small or major details from other existing films.

O'Hare: I make a living selling fresh air to people. Trees, oh! They make it for free. I consider it kind of a threat to my business...

NC (vo): Okay, first of all, if you're gonna steal (picture of Edna Mode from The Incredibles appears) Edna Mode's design sheet, pick a voice that matches. 

Jjs: I will not be tolerating this slander of Mr. O’Hare (his actual name btw, but I get Shempy is more "amusing"), who was legit one of the most entertaining things about this movie.

Clappy: Surprised that there isn’t Edna Mode + O’Hare fanart out there.

JCM: There is. I’ve seen it, and I can never un-see it.

Steel: And how does Rob Riggle’s voice not match the character for you? At least explain that a bit.

Those vocals match about as well as...

Ted: Oh, hey. Audrey.

NC: That. Second!

Steel: From my perspective, Zac tried to put on a convincing pre-teen kid voice, so tell me what exactly defines a voice that matches the character to you.

Cut to the 1972 TV special.

NC (vo): Isn't the idea of The Lorax that there is no real bad guy? It's just a cautionary tale of when someone, anyone, takes too much without realizing it.

Jjs: Correct, but how else were they realistically going to make this a feature length film? The Lorax as it is in book form isn’t really something that can be stretched out to a film, so I don’t fault Illumination in theory for adding this other stuff here, regardless of execution. They can still theoretically get that same message through with an antagonist. Again, as a critic, you can’t act ignorant to artistic freedom such as this.

Clappy: Fair point Critic. But if you try to make actual Dr. Seuss books into full theatrical films, that runtime would be like fifteen-twenty minutes. It’s called building a children’s book into a full story to meet a film’s run time. Yeah “Shempy” is a one-note villain, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be someone for the children to recognize as a “bad guy” so they can learn the messages of a film’s story more clearly. Not everything needs to be as challenging to make all age groups think because children’s minds are still developing…okay I’m getting sidetracked because there are more of these insights from where this came from to come.

Steel: To be fair, Critic, how would YOU have tried to drag the story into the length of your typical animated feature film if the response couldn’t be “don’t make it into a film at all.”?

1972 Once-ler: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot/Nothing's going to get better. It's not...

Jjs: Does he not know this message was also in the film?

Cut back to the office.

Analyst Rob: But you don't understand. We don't want people to feel bad about themselves.

Analyst Malcolm: Yes, people are less likely to buy things when they feel bad.

JCM: Can confirm. Reading this makes me not want to buy anything for at least a week.

Analyst Rob: It's easier to show a clear right-and-wrong message so that no kids are confused. (Toast)

Jjs: Yes, because every animated kids movie needs to have a subtle, morally grey message that may confuse them on what they are supposed to take away from it. I think your strawman kinda backfired here, and I hate to side with this obnoxious running gag.

OWM: Sometimes children’s media is just children’s media. Strangely enough he isn’t the only twenty-something on YouTube who I’ve seen get wound up about this.

Steel: I have say, Critic, but your strawman character does provide a feasible point here.

NC: But maybe they SHOULD be confused. 

JCM: You’re sure doing a good job of confusing me yourself.

Jjs: But...but you already are going to point out this film’s message is contradictory and confusing anyways, so what is seriously the point of this? I feel like sometimes these skits are last minute improv with how out of sync they are with his actual points at times.

Clappy: Once again. Why should they be confused? So they can ask questions to their parents who arguably might have not been paying attention? I repeat myself from above. You’re basically playing devil’s advocate just for the clickbait.

Steel: Okay, so what are you trying to say here, Doug? How complex would you want for the adaptation’s narrative to be? The original story was never really complex to begin with, it was straightforward with its message all the way through. Why do you think this film’s target audience should be confused by a story that is so simple? The film would be no better if children can’t comprehend everything about The Lorax so clearly, so of course it would use simple ideas. I get why you’re not fond of O’Hare because he’s a living, breathing character cliche to you, but it’s not it’s misleading the audience about the message from the original book.

Hell, maybe what you're doing is confusing them in a different way! Look!

Steel: So let me get this straight: in not confusing the audience, the focus groups are confusing them, but in a different way. Come on Critic, be clearer with this conundrum of yours.

The Analysts look out the window to the crowd watching the movie.

NC (vo): When you make your characters less human, you suck out the humanity,

JCM: That is what making people less human tends to do, yes.

meaning people are less likely to see what they could become.

Jjs: Thank for the scholarly preaching Doug, but can we get back to reviewing the movie for what it actually is or nah?

Steel: Oh my god, Doug, it’s an animated film based on a children’s book. It’s not that deep.

Clappy: Key word from your argument: “could”.  Who is to say they could or couldn’t become that? Maybe they view this film and think:  I don’t want to become “Shempy”.  I’m going to start protecting the environment, recycling, and what not. You’re literally grasping at straws by saying that this movie is sucking out the humanity in people without actually providing any actual context to your argument other than getting angry and mad that a Dr. Seuss story is being turned into an “of the time” kid’s film that is displaying its pro-environment film in a different fashion than the way Seuss displayed it.

Tamara: Daddy, could that be me?

Jim: No, kiddo. He's evil. You're good.

OWM: I would much rather my kid become an air-selling polluter capitalist than an Internet film critic. I’m sorry, but people like Doug have left me no choice.

Tamara: Oh. Okay! (tosses her wrapper, letting it fall to the ground)

Jjs: So...let me get this straight: you think the movie is legit saying littering is good, the same movie that has the protagonist trying to bring back trees to help stop pollution, which was caused by the people’s own negligence in the first place? And the same movie still kept this message from the book?:

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

But after all of that, you still think the movie is avoiding how people are at fault and need to take accountability? Perhaps you could’ve given this movie another watch before going in gung ho, methinks.

Clappy: Once again, grasping at straws for your shitty argument...okay I really need to pick my battles here because each one of these riffs might seriously turn into battling said strawman here.

Steel: I’ll be honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve last seen Illumination’s The Lorax, so I don’t remember everything about the film to give a very detailed opinion about it. I’ll also admit that I may have overlooked this small detail, because it’s a part of what has rubbed me the wrong way about the review aside from the preaching and pretentiousness. How far up your own butt do you have to be to assume that this film is teaching its audience to do the opposite of what it’s trying to tell them to do because the villain is a strawman against The Lorax’s message? Speaking of which, I’ve just realized something: the Critic is complaining about how straw O’Hare is yet uses straw characters to establish his point. What the heck is he trying to accomplish here?

Malcolm: Man, I'm glad I'm not as evil as that guy.

Jjs: I want to see one line where the movie said that littering is better than being an evil corporation owner. If you’re going to be this sure over it, I’d like to see actual evidence, y’know. Because as someone who has seen this movie various times now due to my nephew, they never imply anything like that. Way to put morals into the movie’s mouth, guy! Seriously, you don't need to dig for problems with this movie, so why twist it into something it's not?

Doug: Yeah.

They both do the same. Soon, everyone starts tossing their wrappers to the ground one by one as they continue to watch the movie.

Clappy: This is really becoming the Fox News of film viewing experiences of The Lorax.

Jjs: Also, follow-up: What people on this planet were going to mindlessly litter specifically because this movie told them to? If someone’s already too lazy to throw away their trash, I doubt this movie was going to give them the incentive to be even lazier. Someone really is making things seem worse than they actually were, it’s not like the existence of The Lorax as a film sped up the pollution crisis. Maybe focus on the actual real world issues and not a harmless kids movie to do this with.

JCM: I read an NC review where Doug killed someone (basically every NC review from what I hear) so I killed someone too! Am I cool yet?

Steel: Funny enough, I feel like this is giving off the same energy as in the last NC review I covered where the Critic was talking down to the Happy Madison audience, assuming they enjoy the company’s movies because they’re too dumb to understand “true comedy,” and here, he’s making the assumption that the typical person who watches Illumination’s The Lorax is stupid enough to think that this film is teaching them that they shouldn’t be taking care of planet Earth. Once again, what is the Critic trying to accomplish here?

It’s so two-faced for Doug as his character to paint himself as some Dr. Seuss valedictorian who knows the right and wrong ways of adapting the author’s work when he ends up, ironically, missing the point of the film based on the way he’s presenting his commentary (and at the start of it, no less). Whether it’s because of Doug’s Seuss purist behavior or because he’s trying to come up with reasons he’s hated the film for his character to address in the review, he shouldn’t have overlooked moments like this if he wants to prove to his audience that he knows Dr. Seuss more than we do.

NC (vo): Just like a delicate seed can grow a great oak, so can a faulty message grow a big problem.

Jjs: And just like a faulty message can grow into a big problem, Doug’s own clunky philosophical messages can dissolve into the wind.

Clappy: Depending on how one views said message.  Trying to spread a false narrative is equally as dangerous and trying to make a big deal out of nothing turns into something.

Steel: Oh look, Doug is being philosophical. I thought he’s said this numerous times before in his episodes as the Critic that he hates it when characters get pretentious or preachy like this. How the tables have turned.

Cut back to the office.

Analyst Malcolm: Yes, but clearly we show it in a satirical sense, so that makes it alright. (Toast)

NC: In what way? How does laughing at the bad things you do make it any less bad?

Jjs: This is rich coming from the guy who literally just tried to make a joke out of people littering on the ground.

Clappy: This is rich coming from the guy who said “the n word” in his review of Ernest Saves Christmas.

OWM: Yes, he entertains the autistic kids.

Steel: This is rich coming from the guy who lampooned Pink Floyd’s The Wall to make a musical number criticizing cancel culture so he could continue to sweep his own controversy under the rug.

Analyst Rob: ...Well, the chart says-

NC: FORGET IT!

Jjs: Yes, let’s forget this whole sloppy point and move on.

Clappy: If that’s going to be the defense point from this point forward from anyone who liked or is defending The Lorax? Then Jesus, we’re in for a long ride.

NC (vo): So Mini-Trump

JCM: O’Hare is way too good of a businessman to be comparable to Trump.

Jjs: Damn, predicting Trump’s campaign a year in advance. He really knew how to subtly foreshadow when we least expected it!

OWM: He’s behind it all. Have you ever considered that? The offhand comments, the appeals to vague populism without giving any solutions, being stupid—it all matches perfectly. Channel Awesome has been orchestrating the Trump campaign since the beginning, and possibly even more. We should fear him.

Clappy: STOP THE STEAL. COUNT THE LACK OF TREES!

Steel: Excuse me, but didn’t you compare him to Edna Mode earlier?

watches the boy leave the town to find a tree, leading him, of course, to the home of the Once-ler.

Ted walks up to the Once-ler's house, passing by a stone with Unless carved on it.

NC (vo): Well, there went the surprise of the powerful line that closed out the original- 

Jjs: Would it have been a surprise if most people going in have already read the book? That’s like going into Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and complaining about Dumbledore’s death not being a surprise. Again, slight artistic liberties sometimes need to be taken for adaptations, especially for books as bare bones as Dr. Seuss ones. Also, shouldn’t you be happy they’re still keeping Seuss’s original message in anyways? You really need to pick your battles better on what to nitpick in this.

Steel: That doesn’t mean that the film can’t use foreshadowing as a device now, can it?

Oh, fuck it! I'm just gonna assume nothing in this film is gonna move me at all.

Jjs: I’m just gonna assume none of your preachy messages are gonna move me at all either, so I consider it a draw.

JCM: This is definitely moving me to cry out in pain.

Steel: Knowing you, Doug, I never expected this film to impress you anyway.

Analyst Rob (vo): It's really the best way to watch it.

Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily.

Once-ler: Who are you?! Who are you and what are you doing here?!

NC (vo): My God, they finally found Bill Watterson!

Jjs: You sure that’s not you after the events of ChangeTheChannel? 

Clappy: Illumination Presents: Calvin and Hobbes when?

Once-ler: You wanna know about trees? About what happened to them? Why they're all gone...?

NC (vo): So the Once-ler, of course, tells the story about what happened to all the trees, naturally keeping his face hidden throughout the story so, like I said before, he can represent how this can happen to anyone. Anyone watching right no- (scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man) Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!

Jjs: Look, look, he said FUCK! He's edgy and making points to prove he's better than a harmless Dr. Seuss kids movie!

Clappy: I mean haven’t you read the timeless Seuss classic, Green Eggs and Fuck You?

OWM: Ed Helms terrifies me too, so I think he has room to be angry.

Steel: Uh-oh, looks like the Critic needs his medication again.

NC: (calms himself down) Maybe I'm over-exaggerating.

Steel: No, really? 

Jjs: Add another FUCK YOU to check.

Clappy: The Critic learned self-awareness. Time to redact a couple of those fuck you's. 

After all, it is an hour and a half long movie. An hour and a half is a long time to go without seeing your... (picture of Ted pops up) kinda main character. 

Jjs: Regardless of execution, I understand why they wanted to expand Once-ler's character by giving him a backstory. You need to take a few creative liberties to turn a Dr. Seuss book into a film, especially when book Once-ler was essentially a blank slate. You’d be complaining if they didn't follow the book version anyways, so what point are you trying to get at here? Give us something. Please sir, may I have some soup?

OWM: The original Once-ler didn’t have a backstory or even a discernible identity—that was to show that they could be any person who was put in the role that he was. But of course you can’t spend half the movie following a nameless, faceless person around. Also, Ed Helms. Star power.

I mean, it's an adaptation. I got it. There's gonna have to be changes from an adaptation. Fair enough. 

Jjs: Okay...so why did you ask why the movie had a villain earlier and make that elongated skit about littering if you were going to point this out? I feel like I’m either watching an anime with all of this filler, or someone really needed to give this script another draft.

JCM: Doug seems to have a harder time understanding that an adaption can be different from the original than everybody else does.

At the very least, they're making him timeless. Somebody that everyone can look back on years later, and not laugh at for being so incredibly dated and dumb-

Jjs: Sheesh man, stop with this projecting, we’re doing the riffing here!

Clappy: Demo Reel. Is that the one we are talking about?

Young Once-ler: (singing and playing electric guitar) Gonna chop one down and make my Thneed!

NC: FFFFF- (NC gets up and jumps around in a fit of rage before sitting back down) -FFFFFFF-- (calms down) I don't care for that. (breathes in heavy and breathes out)

Jjs: Even his rage freakouts have grown low on energy.

Clappy: Oh really? If only there were a two word expression to describe your disgust?

OWM: He’s the Angry Critic now, trading places with the Nostalgia Video Game Nerd. Unfortunately neither of them have accomplished much under these new labels.

Steel: “I don’t care for that.” Are you sure?

NC (vo): This Once-ler is a ("kewl"-speak) super-young, electric-guitar-playing, tight-clothes-wearing, fedora-hat-toting, pop-cultural-referencing, Zach Braff...ing, (normal) completely dated product of the times!

Jjs: Wasn’t that kind of the point though, to show the passage of time? I don’t wanna come off like I’m a holy white knight of this movie because it does have issues, but his points so far are just lousy, stupid and confused.

Clappy: It doesn’t matter what decade The Once-ler was in. He would still bitch about him being dated to the 80s/90s/00s. He just wants to hate on his hat. Well guess what Doug?  Hat is one letter away from hate.

Steel: Could you slow down? I’m certain that there are tons of other obnoxious, judgmental, diminishing labels that you could give to this character that you’ve zoomed past.

Young Once-ler: (singing and playing electric guitar) Na na nanana na!/(speaking) Oh, I got a little jingle./Uh... no.../Gonna blow some minds./Whoop-a-dee-po-pow!/Yeah. See?/Uh, yea-n-uh, no./What's his problem?/(singing) I'm just sayin'/(speaking) Weirdo.

NC (vo): Bull. Fucking. Shit!

JCM: Another outburst like that and I’m going to have to wash your mouth out with soap, young man.

Jjs: Also, for the self-proclaimed "speaker of the Seuss", I feel interjecting all of this needless swear raging over a kids movie is also probably not what Dr. Seuss would want, but what do I know, I don't have communication with the afterlife's spirits like Doug here.

Cut back to the office, where the Analysts are now in front of a computer.

Analyst Malcolm: Yes, and the Once-lings seem to love him. (Toast)

Steel: gRfsDaE2o1WhTm3D44hfLMNyk8I1TgZ4HMQiScY8

Jjs: Every time I keep seeing the “toast” action, it just makes me wish I was actually having some nice toast right now, myself. It’d taste a lot better than this review which is definitely stale toast.

NC: The what? (gets up to join the Analysts in front of the computer)

Analyst Rob: The Once-lings. Apparently, our character was so "hip with the lay-days" that they decided to form an online community around him. (Toast)

Steel:

Engage.

Jjs: Can’t have a Lorax review without referencing how this version of Once-ler was everyone’s favorite daddy back in 2012. That’s literally the only reason Doug included this into his review, by the way. No other reason, nor is it relevant to any of his criticisms. So enjoy him beating it into the ground! ?

Clappy: I’ll give Doug credit though. He actually did some research for a change since he brought up the online community. About fucking time.

Analyst Malcolm taps on the keyboard, bringing up a website, presumably a Tumblr site, called "Onceler Secrets", completely dedicated to everything about the "hip" Once-ler.

Jjs: I'm going to speculate this plug also contributed to tumblr's downfall. 

NC: Oh, my God, this was a thing?

JCM: Breaking news! There are weird people on the internet!

Analyst Malcolm: Yes, and we even have one online right now. She calls herself HyperFanGirl.

Jjs: Here we have the introduction of another one of Doug’s wholesome gag characters that’d eventually be run into the ground, so add that as another reason to hate this review.

Clappy: Eww yeah. First time watching this I didn’t mind her either. But of course, Doug sure knows how to ruin a good thing so he added her to like 98 more of his videos to the point that I don’t want to see her ever again.

Steel: Oh yes, this is where the HyperFanGirl (or is it Hyper Fangirl? Who knows?) character debuts, and I won’t feel ashamed to say that I was never a fan of her, but that would be because of me losing interest in keeping up with NC after the Eight Crazy Nights review and as well as after Rachel’s departure.

Another tap of the keyboard brings up feed of HyperFanGirl (played by Tamara Chambers, of course) reading "The Art of the Matrix" before setting the book down to chat with the Analysts.

Jjs: Such subtle foreshadowing he was eventually gonna review it, which is funny, because this also happens to be our next riff. Thanks for the smooth promotion!

HyperFanGirl: Oh! My! God, guys! I just love all the emo haircuts (pictures of Jojo from Horton Hears a Who!, Ted, and Young Once-ler are shown) you're giving to the Dr. Seuss characters! You're giving them a style that will last forever, like the Jonas Brothers!!!

Clappy: Timing.

Jjs: Oooh, I like how Doug subtly predicted their return. The foreshadowing is pretty much all I live for in these reviews now.

OWM: The e-boy: another cultural trend that Channel Awesome has predicted. My hypothesis still stands.

NC: Why do you love this Once-ler? He's every other quirky, alternative product mixed into a Michael Cera action figure. They should have called him the Hipster.

Jjs: *drum snare* Did he own the movie yet, guys?

JCM: Boo! *throws garbage at screen*

Analysts: Ooh. (Toast)

Steel:

HyperFanGirl: He is clearly not a hipster. Hipsters act like they don't care how they look and then they take seven hours to put their outfits together. He CLEARLY only took six.

Jjs: *checks watch* Can we move this along already? Yes, Once-ler fangirls could get annoying, which by the way, has no bearing on the movie's actual quality but okay, we get the joke! I swear to Danny DeVito, we get it...you guys do all get it, right?

Steel: In riffer time conversion, I could point out that this skit felt like it's taken us seven hours, so please move along Critic before it becomes eight.

NC: You can't just like someone because he's really nerdy, into retro media, wears a bunch of half-professional half-grungy clo- (suddenly realizes he matches that description perfectly and finds HyperFanGirl smitten by him as the Romeo and Juliet Overture plays)

Jjs: I know this is supposed to be a “joke” and he probably didn’t intend it this way, but the fact Doug wrote this in for one of his fellow co-workers to act out...feels really weird to me? Whatever, can we please just move on from this already? For a guy who complained about padding (padding padding!) in the past, he sure is wasting our time here.

Clappy: Sounds like some self-loving going on here.  

OWM: I’m a lot more offended that Doug dared to call his outfit “half-professional.”

JCM: Well, I tried to stick this one out, but NC using this review to stage a gross sexual fantasy with Tamara is too much for me. See you guys later!

HyperFanGirl: What are you doing this evening?

Steel: I suppose the Critic has nothing better to do than waste it all on a pointless skit. Just what I’d imagine a romantic night with him would be.

NC: Not you. Dump her!

HyperFanGirl reaches out dramatically as her feed is cut, leaving NC to sigh in relief and annoyance.

Jjs: Here’s a friendly tip: acknowledging this gag is annoying doesn’t make it less annoying on us, the viewers.

Analyst Rob: ...You know, you really are a bit of a hipster.

Clappy: Nah he’s just an asshole.

Steel: This skit still felt like it went on for seven hours so I can tend to agree with you on that.

NC: Shut up!

NC (vo): So the Once-ler- (fangirls scream) Oh, shut up.

Jjs: Shut up. Such galaxy brain elevating, powerful dialogue for our "speaker of the Seuss" and enlightened film critic here.

(screaming stops) -comes across a land filled with trees and... (the Humming-Fish sing in a painfully-high tone, doing less humming and more annoying) ...painfully obvious Minion backwash…

Clip of the Minion Banana Song/ Barbara Ann Cover teaser for Despicable Me 2 is played over the Humming-Fish audio.

Jjs: banana?

Clappy: tenor.gif

NC (vo): ...as he starts to chop them all down for his new business.

Once-ler: Little did I know that by chopping down that tree, I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself.

NC: (as the Lorax) The Danny DeVito cameo!

Jjs: Another one of the film's best parts, yes.

Clappy: You’re telling me the titular character is a cameo?

OWM: Cameo? His name is on the title and on the poster. That’s hardly a cameo. Oh look, I’m nitpicking just like you, Doug.

Steel: Either you mean a Danny DeVito cameo or a Cameo video of Danny DeVito. Either way, I don’t understand what you mean by ‘cameo.’

NC (vo): Of course, the Lorax is in one of the trees as all the characters circle around the chopped-down life to mourn its loss.

The Lorax, along with the Swomee-Swans, the Bar-ba-loots, and the Humming-Fish, place stones around the stump to honor the tragic loss to the forest.

NC (vo): Now that's actually a very touching moment that fits the spirit of the book. It's new, it's different, but it keeps to the message, love, and even kinda subtlety of what Seuss was going for.

Clappy: Gasp. Praise? What is this novel concept!? How does he fuck it up?

 ...How do they fuck it up? Well, CLEARLY we can make the message much more powerful by adding in Mission: Impossible homages!

Jjs: It’s an Illumination movie, I dunno what you were expecting here.

Clappy: It’s an Illumination movie. He was clearly expecting Disney homages.

Steel: The Mission: Impossible homages? Oh, you mean that one, small tidbit from the film that lasted for what, thirty to forty seconds? Why make such a big deal out of that? Why am I asking you all these questions?

The Humming-Fish sing the Mission: Impossible theme.

NC (vo): A dozen more of those Minion moments!

Jjs: VGJO2dqGPercxx_ehblLToM1wA3CJkXB4ZUflUpz

The Humming-Fish sing the Funeral March as the Hipster Once-ler floats down the river sleeping on his bed. Cut to Despicable Me 2 with the two Minions, specifically Tom and Stuart

Stuart: "Bottom".

Jjs: We got his point the first time he brought up the Minions comparison above, but thanks for repeating it again to pad out the video.

Clappy: tenor.gif

Tom and Stuart laugh immaturely.

NC (vo): And the non-violent pacifist Lorax of the original now tried to DROWN our hero in the hopes that that will lead him away! 

Jjs: Weren’t you just ranting earlier about how much you hated this version of the Once-ler? In your point of view, shouldn’t Lorax be the hero right now? I think someone could have proofread this script before filming.

Clappy: Drown? I took that more as just washing him away from the woods. Yet of course, this is Doug Walker who takes things to the umpteenth degree.

Steel: My B.S. senses have given me the impulse to do some research on the scene and so I would like to correct the Critic for the context he claims for it be. In a sense, it may seem like the Lorax was attempting to drown the Once-ler but for the most part, his aim was to keep him away from the forest. Afterwards, he saves him along with the Barb-a-loots once he noticed them drowning, and goes on to use CPR on the Once-ler.

Oh, and don't forget a few more lame-ass pop cultural references!

Jjs: Doug has absolutely no room to be getting pissy at shoehorned pop culture references after what I’ve been through in this insane fever dream.

Clappy: OF COURSE!

Once-ler: Why aren't you like other kids, break-dancing and playing the Donkey Kongs?

NC: ...So Donkey Kong is now officially part of the Dr. Seuss canon? ...I don't know how to feel about that.

Jjs: Donkey Kong is my favorite Dr. Seuss character tbh. The fact his star power transcends past the Nintendo universe is pretty impressive, if you ask me.

OWM: Little did he know that Donkey Kong, too, would be cancelled along with this whole universe.

Clappy: #NotMyDonkeyKong

Steel: Apparently, Doug clipped the part where the Once-ler also mentions bell-bottoms in-between break-dancing and “the Donkey Kongs.” His point would’ve been made clearer if he didn’t leave that in there, but hey, I can still see where he’s getting at and I can add ‘hates bell-bottoms for some reason’ to the Critic lore.

HyperFanGirl: I know, it's so retro! Hold me!

NC cuts her feed again.

NC (vo): So the Wilford Brimley Oompa-Loompa 

Clappy: Add that to the ever growing list of Doug Walker fetishes.

feels bad for almost drowning the Once-ler. (fangirls scream) Shut up!!

Jjs: Do I need to break out the drinking game riff again?

Steel: Nothing says a tedious running joke quite like repeating the same response towards the sound of multiple Tamaras screaming upon mentioning ‘the Once-ler.’

(screaming stops) So he makes it up to him by tearing the shit out of his new home.

Lorax: It was cold outside. And we just fell asleep.

Clappy: So you could say you were frozen today.

Young Once-ler: (finds a Humming-Fish bathing himself in a coffee mug) Okay, I put my lips on the-/(sees a Swomee-Swan lay an egg) Ew!

Lorax: What's for breakfast? (opens the fridge, seeing a fat Bar-ba-loot showly shoving a stick of butter into his mouth) Breakfast is overrated. (closes the fridge door)/(brushing his mustache with the Hipster Once-ler's toothbrush) Ha! Why do you have one of these? You don't even have a mustache!

NC (vo): Yes, teaching lessons about staying out of other's environments is made much stronger by invading YOUR environment.

Jjs: Y’know, the nature environment that Once-ler shouldn’t have been in to begin with and Lorax is defending his home like any animal would. It’s kind of strange for how much this guy wants to act holier than thou over this film’s supposed poor messaging and be Dr. Seuss's holy messenger, he seems to have quite a tough time understanding it. Once again, seems like he could’ve given this film another watch before writing the script. I suppose this is what happens when you have to churn out content on a weekly basis.

Clappy: What Jjs said. Are you purposely ignoring logic just to push your stance? It really is not that hard of a film to follow along with.

Steel: Well yeah, because this is part of the Lorax’s scheme in keeping the Once-ler away from his environment by trying to make things even with him. Should’ve figured that painting yourself to be this expert on Dr. Seuss doesn’t make you an expert on the films they’re based off of.

Young Once-ler: I got work to do. (strips out of his pajamas in front of the Lorax and into his hipster outfit) Yep, I gotta go into town and sell my Thneed.

NC (vo): So the Once-ler-- (fangirls scream) DON'T MAKE ME IMPALE YOU!!! 

Jjs: Okay, I’m seriously sick of this. If your "character" doesn't like the gag and acknowledges it’s not funny, why even write it into the script in the first place to annoy us, the viewers? This is the weirdest self-contradicting paradox I’ve seen in a long time.

Steel: At least he didn’t say “SHUT UP!!!” this time, but I wouldn’t call it innovation.

(screaming stops) --makes a deal with The Lorax that he won't cut down any more trees and that the one he got is enough to sell his product called the Thneed.

The Once-ler tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance.

Teen Boy: Hey. Cool hat.

Teen Girl 1: Oh, my gosh. I totally want one.

Teen Girl 2: That thing makes me like you more.

NC (vo): Ah. How advertisers thought marketing for the Lorax would work...and sadly did work.

Jjs: You’re just jealous they aren’t shilling your classic attire instead. Find your own environment to market it to!

Clappy: He wishes that he had the all age target audience demographic to market to.

OWM: If Doug just followed the tide of half-professional, half-grungy fashion designing, he’d be a lot more well-known.

Steel: Yeah, it’s not like the plot device of the Thneed is supposed to be ironic or anything because of the so-called ironic marketing for the film. Hey, here’s some food for thought, Doug: The main gist of the Lorax story isn’t that it’s anti-corporate or anti-consumerist. 

Townspeople: (singing) Everybody needs a Thneed! A fine thing that all people need!

NC: And there went my enjoyment for the upbeat (poster for The Lego Movie with the phrase "Everything is awesome!" appears) Lego Movie song. (booing is heard) BLAME THIS MOVIE! IT'S THE ONE THAT MADE ME REALIZE IT WAS BEING OVERUSED!!

JCM: I’m back to say that slandering The Muppet Movie for its music is one thing, but slandering The Lego Movie for its music is something I shall not abide by.

Jjs: Hey look, another random movie comparison even though he literally said above he doesn't like this movie's pop culture references! But I guess when I need to milk out a running gag that wasn't funny the first time, it's fair game.

Clappy: You shouldn’t be the one to criticize about overusing anything. Like he’s overusing this joke, for example.

Steel: After a month between the release of The LEGO Movie and your review of Illumination’s The Lorax, you’re putting blame on disliking the “Everything is AWESOME!!” song on a movie that barely has anything to do with it? Oh silly me, I should’ve noticed that you’re just coming up with reasons to hate the film by resorting to nitpicking.

NC (vo): I should point out that it does sometimes cut back to our main leads still suffering from "bland-Millennial-itis", but they're so rushed and so generic that you forget about them just as soon as you watch them.

Jjs: Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there, eager beaver! You can’t just go from ranting about Once-ler to ranting about musical numbers to throwing in a quick aside that “oh right, the protagonists exist too!” in rapid succession like that. Take a xanax, Doug. One point at a time! This review's pacing is whack, mang. Maybe this flowed a bit better in the actual video, but still, seeing this in script format, it doesn’t feel right to me.

Clappy: I do agree that the protagonists are bland and forgettable, but the pacing of this review is so all over the place that if I were watching this for the first time I wouldn’t understand the natural flow of this “review”.

Steel: I mean, it’s not a bad idea to make certain viewers remember that the Once-ler’s story is indeed a long story to tell.

I think the most that happens is (sarcastically) "The Man" 

Jjs: (sarcastically) Using your vocal range to sarcastically mock characters totally makes for compelling character criticism.

(normal) paints over Flower Girl's artwork. Why? What's that even supposed to accomplish? Is that really gonna make such a big difference?

Jjs: It’s to censor her, although you established you weren’t paying much attention to their story to begin with so I guess fair enough you’re not understanding what’s going on here. Once again, just because the movie itself isn’t great doesn’t mean you can mislead your audience like this, "speaker of the Seuss."

Clappy: Because Mr. “Shempy” O’Hare doesn’t like the fact that Audrey has been painting pictures of living trees and flowers. It goes entirely against his message and what his town represents and he doesn’t like that. So he did that as a warning to stop her. It really is not that hard logically to follow. Are you purposely playing this dumb or you actually that ignorant?

JCM: Maybe he’s both! NC has so much trouble detecting any sort of subtlety that I would be very surprised if it was all an act.

OWM: The format of “review a piece of media but not really” tends to limit you after a while.

Steel: Jesus Christ, how many more points from a freaking Dr. Seuss film could he possibly miss? This is like a precursor to his The Jungle Book 2016 and I wish it didn’t take me until this point to realize that.

NC: It's kinda like saying "Oh! You want to see Elsa and Jack Frost together? (a picture of Elsa from Frozen and Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians licking the same ice cream cone appears) Well, what if we just put a giant "X" over your fan art?! (same picture appears with a giant red "X" over it) NOW YOU'LL NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE!!! WILL YOU?! WILL YOU?!?!" (laughs like a maniac)

Jjs: ...This is the moment Doug became Heisenberg.

XhO5homcU-ZT2PW7u2DBGFisborh2xbWedvvk79n

Clappy: Yeah man, you’ve lost it.

Steel: sIj3SbyB2naLJkz8Ok5FFx6Y-UxQ9b9EYfZiCYEe

HyperFanGirl: Hey! Did you damage my fan art? I still love you.

JCM: Goodbye again!

NC cuts off her feed again as we cut to commercial. 

Clappy: After these messages. We’ll be rrrriiiiggghhhhtttt back.

Jjs: This review is brought to you by our sponsor: Illumination! When you need a Dr. Seuss book adapted into an animated film to piss off Doug Walker, you know who to call!

We come back from commercial.

OWM: He’s missing his unwashed  “commercial” donut t-shirt.

NC (vo): So the Once-ler's family comes out to live with him and, once again, it's not the Once-ler

Fangirls: *scream*

Steel: Did he actually realize how tiring the running joke was going to be if he had continued it? I hate to admit it, but I have to give him kudos for putting it to rest when he needed to.

himself who's consumed by productivity. That would make him interesting, identifiable, and complex. No, it's just his evil family that eggs him on. So, I guess as long as you don't have one of those, this could never happen to you.

Jjs: I mean, they put him on that path for sure, but even before their involvement he was still obsessed with a desire to build something. It could’ve been written better, but dumbing it down to “lol he only went evil due to his parents” for your audience is an over-exaggeration.

Once-ler's Mom: We could always start chopping down the trees...

Young Once-ler: But...

Once-ler's Mom: No buts, Once-ey. You're running a business now. You have to do what's best for the company and your mama.

NC (vo): Even his progression seems hastily rushed. 

Clappy: Just like your problems with this movie.

Jjs: Now wait a minute, weren’t you just saying at the beginning this backstory took up too much time of the movie? Seriously, let’s rewind:

“After all, it is an hour and a half long movie. An hour and a half is a long time to go without seeing your... (picture of Ted pops up) kinda main character.”

But now you want MORE??? I genuinely don’t know what you want from this movie at this point man, and I kinda doubt he did either, but went through with this because it was the easy target regardless of if this review made any sense. 

Steel: I guess that’s why you tend to pad your jokes as it must mean true story progression when it comes to your reviews. Now tell me why this pre-established detail about the Once-ler’s character is too rushed for you.

(cut to the 1972 TV special) The original was good at showing the Once-ler debate himself but then always find an excuse to keep going bigger. And even the story never claimed that going to another extreme was the answer.

Steel: Yes! The self-proclaimed Dr. Seuss genius here is making a solid point about a Dr. Seuss film for once! Now, as someone who has seen both Illumination’s and the 1972 made-for-TV special’s versions of the story, I can agree that the latter has done a better job at establishing the Once-ler’s character, but to say that 2012’s Once-ler didn’t have much of an excuse to do the things he did later on is somewhat of a hyperbole. The main point is that it feels rushed, yes, but there is at least subtext that suggests that the Once-ler’s propulsion towards power and greed came from the pressure from his parents, the Lorax, and as well as from the business he had started himself. Just trying to make a point here.

1972 Once-ler: Well, what do you want? I should shut down my factory? Fire a hundred thousand workers?

1972 Lorax: I see your point, but I wouldn't know the answer.

NC (vo): It was trying to find that middle road that wasn't victimless, but was the best compromise we could come up with.

Jjs: Doug is an Enlightened Centrist confirmed!

Clappy: Okay, well let me twist your enlightened centrist stance by defending this movie for a minute. The 2012 Once-ler was having a moral conflict of his own with standing with his family or trying to appease to the Lorax’s warning. Do I think the 2012 movie displayed that conflict perfectly? No. But I at least understood it. It’s all about if you choose to understand it without the movie spelling it out for you or not.

OWM: The Once-ler is a “job creator,” you see.

NC: Here, one song and BOOM! Overnight douche!

Jjs: Again, it wasn't as simple as "one song and BOOM!" I can't believe I've been playing Saul Goodman for this movie as much as I have, but this is what happens when you exaggerate how bad a movie is for clicks.

Once-ler: (singing) How ba-a-a-ad can I be? I'm just building the economy.

NC (vo): Instead of slowly but surely over the course of the film we see the progression of these choices and the effect that it's having, it's just one song. 

Steel: Okay, so I should acknowledge the fact that this musical number for the film was the result of a similar, different song plus scenes intended for the film being cut, that being “Biggering.” The Biggering storyboards do a better job at establishing the Once-ler’s descent to madness that would cause his business to run down to the ground and it was done in form of a musical number, likewise with the version that replaced it. Of course, it was also done in a slow progression when compared to the faster-paced “How Bad Can I Be?” but I don’t think that does a bad job in developing the Once-ler’s character. Perhaps focus groups is the reason why “Biggering” was cut, (and knowing the NC series, Doug would have his character scapegoat the movie itself for that) and while “How Bad Can I Be?” isn’t so subtle, we shouldn’t expect so much from a film based on a children’s picture book. Also, the song slaps so I can’t complain so much about it.

Anakin Skywalker's transition was more complex. (Picture of Anakin Skywalker appears on the top right of the screen)

Jjs: I slaughtered them like animals.

Once-ler: (singing) And the PR people are lying...

A Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads "Lorax Approved"

NC (vo): And there's your allegory for the movie right there. Just take a picture with the Lorax on your product and BOOM! It's suddenly Lorax Approved! Ironic this song is against everything corporate when that's exactly what The Lorax marketing was doing. (Lorax Mazda commercial is shown) Enjoy your air-polluting car! The Lorax says it's okay!

Jjs: I agree this was stupid even back then, but I don’t think Doug has much of a high ground to stand on here when he can’t even keep his own points in this review straight.

Clappy: I also agree that The Lorax marketing campaign in hindsight was misguided. But if you’re using what a studio chose to do as a reason to bash on the movie itself? Nah man. Your points are going all over the place in terms of being effective.

Steel: Okay, so yeah, the marketing for The Lorax felt contradictory, but you can’t blame companies for choosing to market the film, otherwise the film wouldn’t have done so well in the box office without it (although Doug, I suppose this is what you would have wanted), and like I’ve pointed out before, the message of The Lorax isn’t supposed to be that it’s anti-corporate or anti-consumerist, so I don’t know if it’s completely fair to consider this as hypocritical. Also, if the main reason you hate the film is due to the mishandled marketing, then that’s petty.

Once-ler: (singing) How ba-a-a-ad can I be?

NC: On top of that, have you noticed that out of the five songs in the movie, only one is pro trees? And it's only played at the end? 

Jjs: Save the best for last, yeah?

And yes, I know they're being ironic in praising overproductivity, but by God, four upbeat modern-style pop songs about it and only one, fucking one song that actually says "Give a damn about the trees"? Don't you see even a little bit of a problem with that?

Jjs: But Doug, if all of them were pro-trees, then you’d be bitching that the film would have no nuance! Don’t you see even a little bit of a problem with that?

Clappy: I would like to know your definition of a “modern-style pop song”.

Steel: To be fair, the 1972 special didn’t have such a great amount of pro-trees/pro-nature songs either.

Once-ler: (singing) It says the people with the money...

Backup singers: People with the money!

Once-ler: (singing) ...make this ever loving world go round.

NC (vo): They're not even timeless songs. They all sound like the Top 10 from Radio Disney.

Jjs: I will not tolerate this "Let It Grow" and "How Bad Can I Be" slander, which I still stand are bops.

Clappy: Not to fight Jjs because I’m not a fan of this song either (I do like “Let It Grow”). But Doug really shouldn’t go down the lane of music criticism. There’s a reason he hired other people around this time period on Channel Awesome to review music. 

OWM: The last place I’m looking for a “timeless song” is The Lorax movie from 2012. 

JCM: Back again to say that the songs in The Lorax were great and Doug is just a hater.

Steel: They may not be timeless to you, but the folks that chose to meme them to death years later would think otherwise.

Analyst Malcolm: Well, we're just trying to reach the most popular demographic.

Analyst Rob: You can respect that. Trying to get your message out to as many people as possible. A toast to pandering! (Toast)

Steel:

Jjs: It’s funny because Doug pretty much only made this review to pander to haters of this movie and people who loved his Cat in the Hat review in hopes of remaking its success. Whoops, looks like I let the cat out of the bag. More on that in my closing statement.

NC: Yeah, but the popular way isn't always the lasting way. Look again!

The analysts look out the window. The audience changes the movie from The Lorax to Grown Ups 2.

Jjs: Since we weren’t reminded enough last time, here’s another reminder that shitting on Adam Sandler is COMEDY GOLD!

Clappy: Even I’m tired of him shitting on Adam Sandler.

OWM: I feel a burp snart coming.

Steel: Well, now I know that Grown Ups 2 won’t be on the Critic’s Top 11 Adam Sandler movies list.

A box labeled "Lorax Merch" is loaded onto a dump truck and gets in line with other dump trucks, headed to the city dump

Jjs: Does one of those dump trucks contain the props for Pop Quiz Hotshot by any chance?

Clappy: Nah. They’re filled with Demo Reel props.

Steel: Me thinks it’s filled with hate mail for Melvin the Brother of the Joker.

NC (vo): "Fad" is just one letter away from "fade". 

Jjs: THERE IT IS LOIS, HE SAID IT! I genuinely don’t know what kind of galaxy brain energy it must take to write a line like this and not die of embarrassment, but I’m jealous. Moral of this review is: "lego" is one letter away from "ego."

JCM: Could you fade from existence?

Clappy: Worst line in this entire review. I’ve been very vocal about how much I hate this line so I’m just going to riff his entire speech.

Steel: He did it, guys! He said the thing that we’ve been milking as a joke for about a year now! I know, it’s pretentious and it’s contradictory to the fact that he hates the cliche of characters being too poetic or philosophical, but at the same time, it’s too corny for me to consider this as the worst moment from the review.

And that's exactly what they do. They fade away. 

Clappy: Just like your YouTube subscribers started to fade away in 2018.

Steel: And what remained of your reputation after your review of Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Sorry, I had to go there.

That's why it's better to focus on being good, rather than being popular. 

Clappy: I know Doug Motherfucking Walker of all people did not just say that it is better to focus on being good over popular any day.

JCM: Nostalgia Critic was never good, but thankfully, it isn’t nearly as popular as it used to be, either.

If you can be both, great. But if you had to choose one over the other, always pick good over popular, because once the people grow out of it and move on to the next popular thing, there's nothing of substance to bring it back. 

Clappy: Which is why you’re literally resorting to “hot takes” and what’s left your dwindling fanbase “fan requests” for reviews.

And the timeless message you claim to fight so hard for becomes just another passing trend to forget about.

Jjs: *wipes tear* This fist pumping, spiritually enlightened moral almost made up for your lack of cohesive points in the rest of the review...almost.

Clappy: And then you move on to the next trend, am I right First Viewing?

OWM: And next thing you know, Doug is putting out these atrocities of thumbnails in order to attract more viewers:

I opened up YouTube and the Nostalgia Critic vored at me : OneyPlays

Steel: “Wow, I’m touched. I’ll have to remember that when I’m kicking your butt.”

Analyst Rob: It's okay. The Internet speeds up everything.

JCM: Can it speed up this review, then?

Analyst Malcolm: Yes. It will be popularly retro in five minutes.

Analyst Rob: And...synchronize! (They press a button on their phones

Steel: Hey now, where’s the recurring toast between these guys?

and toast)

Steel: Oh, there it is. I was worried for a moment.

Jjs: I’m still waiting for this gag to actually go anywhere or have actual jokes.

Clappy: Let’s give them five more minutes. *synchronizes watches*

OWM: He kills them again again, jjs, preferably violently. Haven’t you picked up on the breadwinning Doug formula?

NC (vo): So, as I'm sure you guessed, the Once-ler finally chops down the last tree and his business, as well as the forest, is completely gone. The Lorax lifts his ass into Heaven, leaving Evil McObvious to be inspired to be the next big tyrant.

Jjs: I thought he was "Shempy"? Kind of hilarious he gave up on using that dumb name after the big deal he made introducing it to us.

Man: I wonder what the next million dollar invention's gonna be?

O'Hare: Yeah...I wonder...

NC (vo): And, of course, you know how the rest of the story goes. The Once-ler gives the boy the last seed and it's left up to him, as well as the children watching to make the choice on whether or not they'll grow a cleaner and better world, leaving on a powerfully quiet, emotionally fueled, and subtly ambiguous final note. (laughs uncontrollably) 

Jjs: Another Heisenberg moment already!?

JCM: Oh, no! Doug has been introduced to the concept of ambiguity! He’s gonna blow!

I'm sorry...the idea of any Dr. Seuss movie doing anything clever or subtle! No! Of course they don't do that! (laughs more) 

Jjs: Just like the idea of any of his reviews doing anything deep or subtle! (laughs more)

Clappy: Oh the irony! 

No. This one has car chases! 

Clip of a car chase from the movie 

NC (vo): Yeah! Because if there's anything that people were complaining were missing from Dr. Seuss, it was more fucking car chases! 

Jjs: kNV2FlcUoOeMMjEV2ho2va9ZLQZae4-fmiwzmXDd

Clappy: Also can I point out Go Dog Go!?

Steel: But Critic, don’t you remember the one about the limas beans and the car chase from the original book?

Also, we get the (sarcastically) big bad corporation trying to take control of the people's minds!

Jjs: I can’t really tell the difference between his sarcastic and normal voice at this point given how much he’s patronized this movie anyways.

JCM: I don’t think he’s said one serious thing in this review, anyway. Even that rant about making stuff that’s good and not popular reeks of the holier-than-thou moralizing he’s already mocked The Lorax for doing.

Clip of O'Hare from the movie

NC (vo): By God, they're making Hail HYDRA sound like a weather-resistant German car!

Jjs: What, no cutaway gag for that? Guess he spent all of his budget on the analyst skits.

Clappy: Because Tamara rejected cosplaying as Adolf Hitler.

Steel: Rumor has it that the cutaway gag itself erased itself out of existence before Doug had the chance to edit it into his review.

OWM: You laugh now, but you won’t once tanks roll through the streets of Chicago with the Channel Awesome logo on them.

O'Hare: YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY!!!

NC: Throw in a (sarcastically) radical snowboarding granny!

Jjs: Of all things you could criticize from this scene, you choose the grandma, who’s barely in it...alright then. Feel free to give us another sarcastic mocking to make it seem like you’re making a point.

Clappy: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BETTY WHITE, CRITIC?

Steel: Come on Critic, what do you have to go after radical snowboarding grannies for?

Audrey: Seriously, how cool is your grandma!

NC (vo): A tubular scooter that's probably polluting the more times he rides around on it. Seriously, you're just talking, do you have to ride around in circles like that? 

JCM: What did scooters do to you as a kid?

Clappy: You’re grasping at straws over a scooter? Scooters are eco-friendly dumbass.

Steel: Unless of course, he meant to refer to it as a moped (albeit with one wheel), based on the images I’ve seen of it. However, because Ted’s using a device of transportation that runs on fuel to keep the seed away from O’Hare, it doesn’t make him a massive hypocrite.

(Cut to the scene where the seed is starting to sprout) And we clearly see the town not over the progression of time and patience, but rather fucking instantly join the boy's side, go out to plant a million trees, and sing another pop song about it.

The Town: (singing) Let it grow! Let it grow! Like it did so long ago!

Jjs: I SAY LET THIS REVIEW DIE!

NC: Oh, God! People were satirizing before it even came out! (A picture of Elsa from Frozen with the title of the movie's theme song, "Let It Go" is shown) HOW POPULAR IS THIS SONG?!

Jjs: Popular enough to still be a meme today, which is more than I can say for this review.

Clappy: But Jjs. It brought us HYPER FANGIRL! Doug would count that as a Top 2 meme!

JCM: Hyper Fangirl already made me ragequit twice, and you know I’m prepared to do it again.

Steel: Don’t worry Critic of the past, just give the “Let It Go” fad a few more years to fade away.

NC (vo): We even see the Lorax come back. Yep, he comes back, removing all the weight of ambiguity and sense of urgency, 

Jjs: Once again, you’re contradicting yourself: 

“I mean, it's an adaptation. I got it. There's gonna have to be changes from an adaptation. Fair enough.”

I’ll give you it does take away the book’s original ambiguity, but you can’t go from vaguely stating “I understand some changes have to be made” and then flip to “nah change bad!” when it’s convenient for material. In fact, this review would seriously flow a lot better by just removing that statement above and sticking to the Dr. Seuss purist act since it’d at least be consistent. Or by removing these callouts altogether, either or. See how far the tiniest bit of editing can go?

and instead give the kids their happy little ending.

Jjs: Yeah, that too. It’s a Dr. Seuss kids movie. Did you want it to end on a downer, miserable ending that I’m sure you would’ve bitched about regardless? 

OWM: You underestimate how many Dr. Seuss books end on horrible, destructive endings. 

The Butter Battle Book | Seussblog

Clappy: Yeah, I don’t like the decision to bring The Lorax back to life at the end. But at the same time, I don’t think it was solely to give the kids a happy ending. I think it was because with the trees growing back, it gives them a bunch of new trees for him to protect. Does it take away from the book’s ambiguity? Yes. But I get it at least.

Steel: As much as I’d appreciate the film to stay true to the book’s ambiguity, I can’t consider this change to such a bad thing if it intends to motivate the audience that things will truly get better for our planet if we continue to take proper care of it, hence the meaning behind the ‘Unless’ epigraph.

The Lorax: You done good, beanpole. You done good.

The Once-ler hugs The Lorax

NC: Aww! Isn't that just precious? 

Jjs: It’s an actual wholesome 100, certainly more than any of your “cute” attempts to be a deep critic.

JCM: NC’s father...never hugged him! Isn’t that sad?

Steel: Serious answer, yes. The transcript writer hasn’t pointed out if you’re being sarcastic, but even knowing how you are, Critic, I’m still going to say yes.

Say, while you're at it, why don't you just clarify that Bambi's mom never died? (A picture of Bambi and his mom is shown) Yeah, that was a bit of a downer, why don't you just clarify that she came back and they all lived happily ever after?

Jjs: It's a good thing Doug didn't have his character die and then bring him back to life either or anything. *cough*

Clappy: What would you call The Review Must Go On then?

OWM: The Critic came back, but I wouldn’t call him happy.

Steel: Putting aside the obvious The Review Must Go On/To Boldly Flee jokes, this isn’t so much of a fair comparison. First of all, neither the book nor this film clarified that the Lorax is dead rather than just having lifted himself away from the world [‘unless’...] and second, while the death of the title character’s mother made the film end on a rather bittersweet note, Bambi did still have a pleasant enough ending regardless.

Come to think of it, why don't you just reveal whether or not the top falls over in Inception? (The scene where the top is spinning from Inception is shown) Why don't you just tell us what Bill Murray said to Scarlett Johansson? (The scene with Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson from Lost in Translation is shown) Or give away what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? (The briefcase scene from Pulp Fiction is shown)

JCM: Because none of those are children’s movies adapted from an illustrated book about a talking furball? What’s the point he’s trying to make here?

Jjs: POP CULTURE REFERENCES! Did it look like I epicly owned the movie yet, guys? 

Clappy: Or give away who is protecting The Void at the end of The Review Must Go On.

Steel: Now there Critic, I know you like your ambiguity, but don’t you think you’re overthinking this?

The 1972 TV special is shown again 

NC (vo): Because that's what life is made up of, right? Answers. Easy, non thought-provoking answers. 

Jjs: But...if they didn’t answer everything you’d STILL be complaining...oh forget it, just forget it.

OWM: Douged if you do, Douged if you don’t.

Steel: ...

And we need to prepare kids for just how fucking easy life is going to be.

Jjs: I sure hope they get prepared to brace for a Nostalgia Critic review.

Clappy: Or I will prepare my kids on how easy it is to ignore attention seeking assholes. Either or.

Steel: ...

Yeah, sure they made us think! But look at it this way, THEY MADE US THINK!! (screams)

JCM: Somebody send this man to an insane asylum.

Jjs: Well I think it's not very nice to scream in front of the analysts.

Steel: ...Well gee, it’s not like the world of cinema is doomed because of what this film did to your precious Dr. Seuss. At the end of the day, Doug, you are technically making such a fuss over big changes made to a children’s book in making an 80+ minute film. Why? It’s not like its audience isn’t understanding what the movie is supposed to mean, nor is it misleading with its moral. While 2012’s The Lorax did go for the Hollywood ending, that’s no big deal when compared to the myriad of other films that went that route, animated or not. Besides, didn’t the book itself clarify what ‘Unless’ meant in the first place? You can’t complain so much about the film’s lack of ambiguity when the book itself had some things to explain.

You know you have to straighten yourself out if you’re holding such high personal standards over the source material that is, at the end of the day, a children’s picture book. I don’t want to have to keep making this point, but it’s true nonetheless. I get it, Dr. Seuss is- erm, was a very beloved author of children’s literature and his work is incredibly iconic, so I suppose it’s fine to be a purist for the author and you don’t even have to try to look at Illumination’s The Lorax with an open mind. That’s not to say that you should be high and mighty about those standards that you have. Otherwise, Doug, you would be caught in a moment where you’re saying that this film is apparently not making us think enough all while you’re overthinking this issue...just like you are doing right now.

Analyst Rob: But thinking gives children unclear answers.

NC: Well, maybe that's the idea, goddammit. Maybe the message will last longer because people keep coming back to think about it!

Jjs: It’s a good thing the movie didn’t end with this or anything: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

Clappy: Who are you to decide whether a movie is worth coming back to or not? I didn’t go back to Bambi or Lost In Translation, two of the examples you listed above with unclear endings. Sometimes I go back to movies with clear endings because they were earned. Whether they were earned in this one or not is up for the viewer to decide. Opinions. Everyone has one. You just air yours on YouTube every Tuesday or Wednesday to mild results.

Analyst Malcolm: No, no, no, no. As our data has shown, this has gone retro right about...

They press a button on their phones

Analyst Rob: ...now! Surely all the people have retur... (They look out the window. Only one person remains, but he leaves, too.)

Remaining Fan: ...eh, this sucks.

Clappy: Remaining Fan must have been watching this review too.

JCM: That remaining fan was none other than our own Doug Walker.

Steel: Here’s hoping that Remaining Fan will find something good to entertain him in the long run. Godspeed to him.

Analyst Rob: My God! That was the last Lorax movie fan! 

Jjs: You sure that wasn’t the last Nostalgia Critic fan?

Steel: There’s a “the same could apply to the Nostalgia Critic series” joke in there for me, but man, I’ve already pulled enough of those jokes and it would be too predictable anyways.

Analyst Malcolm: There's nothing left to exploit! (Toast)

Steel:

Clappy: Don’t worry Analyst Malcolm. The Walkers will find other 5 or 6 out of 10 movies to exploit like this.

OWM: You underestimate how easy it is to exploit things. The analysts find a way.

NC: Yeah! That's because you've given them nothing challenging, and thus nothing valuable to keep coming back to.

Jjs: That’s not all true. My nephew’s seen the movie over 20 times now. Hell, this film even had a brief meme boom that made people come back to it. People clearly got more mileage out of it than anyone did with this review, at least.

Clappy: The pot calling the kettle black at its finest.

Clips of the movie are shown

NC (vo): Though it's not as bad as The Grinch or The Cat in the Hat, and the animation style is colorful and lends its way to Seuss's world better than live action, The Lorax still sucks in capturing the spirit of Dr. Seuss. Instead of being poetic, it panders to the mainstream.

Jjs: Says the guy who pretty much only made this review to pander to his fanbase in hopes of remaking that Cat in the Hat magic.

Clappy: I’m pretty sure if this movie was “poetic”, the novelty would wear off after 90 minutes and you would still hate it.

Steel: Yeah, knowing how much Doug hates it when films get too poetic, there would be no pleasing him even if the film was done that way. Although, what do I know? I’m no poet on the same level as the Critic’s beloved, deceased waifu.

Instead of having it speak to everyone, it paints extremes that alienates the truth of the story.

Jjs: Ah yes, such as the extreme of how people who litter candy wrappers aren’t as bad as corporations, which the movie totally did say.

Clappy: I think you’re painting this movie to the most extreme degree.

JCM: “If I say much smart stuff, people will think I’m smart, too!”

And instead of being dark and subtle, it knocks you on the head with its message, ironically making it far less memorable.

Jjs: Given how annoyed people are today with enlightened centrist messages in films, at least it had a clear message for better or worse.

Clappy:  What you find far less memorable, others might find differently. It all depends on how the viewer conveys said message. You don’t speak for the millions of people who saw this movie.

Steel: Ah yes, how could I forget that the guy who praises dark and twisted animations up the wazoo would have a problem with an animated film aimed at families not being dark enough for his standards? I’ll make a mental note on that for one of the next NC reviews I’ll cover.

People aren't gonna be coming back because you gave them nothing that shows you respect them as thinking people. 

Jjs: Hey, that’s no way to insult your own review!

You simplified it, made it easy. So easy that nobody finds it fun anymore. 

Jjs: Come on guy...it’s The Lorax. The book had deep themes, but it’s not like there was much further to “simplify” from it to begin with.

Clappy: Speaking of nobody finding something fun anymore, I think you’re speaking for the people who were turned off by this review.

JCM: This review was never fun, though. At least The Lorax had some fun moments.

I don't care how many movies you make, how popular they are for the moment, or how often you keep missing the spirit of these great stories, because no matter what you do, people are always gonna keep returning to the books of Dr. Seuss. Not only because they remember them, but because they're worth remembering.

Clappy: Look, I do think Seuss is an icon in the world of children’s stories, but they are not all worth remembering. Like Jjs pointed out earlier, it is ironic that we are tackling this review at this point in time when Seuss has six books that are no longer being published due to racially insensitive imagery. I’m not saying Doug is defending those books when looping all the Seuss stories, but this “inspiring speech” does make you wonder... 

Jjs: *applauds and wipes tear by that inspiring speech* Alright, we done here? Overall, the episode had quite a bit of Naruto esque filler, a lot of the points were pretty forced, and Doug’s transformation into Heisenberg felt a bit too sudden for my liking, but this emotional ending somewhat saved it in the end.

Steel: If we can’t expect the Seuss film adaptations to end on a subtle or clever note, then we can’t expect this review to end mercifully either.

Analyst Malcolm: Critic, that's exactly what I wanted to hear.

Jjs: ...goddamnit, no no no, end the review! We get it already, stop with these unfunny skits! Seriously, why are we still going on with this? Didn’t Doug already make his big, triumphant, beautiful, I am a deep film critic, speech above? Why do we need this to keep beating it into the ground? Did he think we were so stupid that he had to tell it us again in skit form? 

Analyst Rob: What?

NC: What?

Clappy: What?

Hank Hill: Hwat?

Analyst Malcolm transforms into Black Willy Wonka

Clappy: I completely forgot about this. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?

Jjs: Say it with me again everyone: Racial stereotypes are only bad when Adam Sandler does them! ?

OWM: Doug says #BlackLivesMatter

JCM: And here I am thinking I wasn’t going to see another character as awful as HyperFanGirl. Congrats, Doug! You got me! I’m out! For real this time!

Analyst Rob: Ugh!

Steel: No, I think the proper reaction here is still ‘What?’

NC: Black Willy Wonka?!

Black Willy Wonka: That's right! It was me all along!

Jjs: Darn, I already used up my Agatha joke last episode. But seriously, you...couldn’t have even made him an actual Dr. Seuss character for some poetry and a relevant reference? I find it strange for the holy defender of Dr. Seuss, the opening and ending of the review are references to stuff that aren’t even Seuss works. Talk about subverting expectations with more off-tangent REFERENCES!

Clappy: The things Malcolm puts himself through for his paycheck. I hope he gets paid well to do all these forced diversity characters as jokes.

Steel: A part of me should call this ‘jumping the shark’ but the rest of me feels like it isn’t fair to call it as such when it goes to an extreme that’s beyond the phrase ‘jumping the shark.’ This moment does feel like Doug’s desperate plea to keep his viewers attached when it ends up doing the opposite. However, this isn’t the first time nor will it be the last time that the NC series reaches the tipping point where things are only going to go downhill in the long run, so instead let me put it like this: this is jumping the shark, or actually jumping over one hundred of them, missing the jump, getting caught in the leg by one of the sharks’ jaws and forcing your stubborn self to drag yourself along until you make the end of the shark jump, all while carrying the weight of the one hundred sharks gripping on to your already-mutilated leg behind you. That is Doug’s addition of Black Willy Wonka in a convoluted nutshell.

Analyst Rob: This wasn't on your resume.

Black Willy Wonka: Oh, look! A popular demographic you can exploit!

Analyst Rob: Oh, wait! I have charts! I have charts! (Runs out of the room)

Clappy: Har har har...can this review end already?!

Black Willy Wonka: Come with me, Critic. (Black Willy Wonka leads NC to a room) This is my Black Wonkavator.

Jjs: Guys look, he keeps adding black to words! He has better humor than The Lorax and Adam Sandler!

Steel: If Black Willy Wonka could do us a kindness, he could evict the Critic from the Wonkavator and have his Oompa Loompas make fun of him for his misfortune. Please?

NC: Wow! Does it go every way possible?

Black Willy Wonka: Yes. Every button goes a different direction, and I've pressed them all, except this one.

NC: What direction does that go?

Clappy: Fast Forward I wish.

Steel: Down, just like your career, Critic.

Black Willy Wonka: Up.

Jjs: Not the 2009 Pixar movie, unfortunately.

NC: Oh.

Steel: Riveting dialogue.

NC presses the button, making the Wonkavator take off.

Jjs: *checks watch* We’re...still going, huh. Okay. For the guy who complained about the film not leaving anyone a deep thoughtful message to walk away from, his own pretentious one is pretty much being overshadowed by this.

NC: Hey, aren't those the people who saw the movie?

The people that saw the movie are seen reading the book. One of those people reading it is Chester A. Bum.

Chester A. Bum: Oh my god, this is the greatest book I ever read in my life!

Jjs: Not even going to give him dialogue? You’ve stalled on your clever gag characters enough, surely giving another one a humorous line or two wouldn’t hurt.

OWM: Quiet you, he’s reading.

Black Willy Wonka: Sure are.

NC: But, they're reading the book. I thought they were done with The Lorax.

Jjs: If this was 2016/2017, I’d say the meme boom hooked em back in.

Clappy: Can the Wonkavator move forward in time so Doug can see that he was ultimately wrong with his pretentious predictions for the general public and The Lorax?

Black Willy Wonka: Well, you see, Critic, that was part of my ultimate plan.

Steel: I’m calling an a-pull here. If this is the case, then what was Peter Soulless from one of NC’s previous reviews for? Is it only because he could act as the strawman for the Cat in the Hat review? I thought so.

NC: It was?

Black Willy Wonka: Yes. You were right about Seuss. His books will last forever. 

Jjs: That is until his estate decides to pull some of them on their own accord and people think he’s CANCELLED!

But sometimes, people take that for granted. So, what better way to remind them of Seuss's power than making films that completely fucks them up!

NC: So...The Grinch, The Cat in the Hat, The Lorax, they were all purposely terrible and dated?

Jjs: The sheer pretentiousness of this is so bad that it's reached the point where Doug’s writing fix-it fics to justify the existence of a couple bad Dr. Seuss movies. 

Clappy: All purposely terrible and dated? Bro, with the amount of times I’ve seen you stick your head out to defend Jim Carrey’s The Grinch since your review, you’re justifying its existence in your own weird ass way. Now you’re saying it’s terrible and dated. Your pretentiousness is leaking out of your own ass.

Steel: Ah yes, suppose the Dr. Seuss films were badly written and dated on purpose, and I may as well assume this review is intentionally misguided and unfunny as well. Besides, no one could “possibly” have the bright idea that the Seuss films were reviled, even by you, Critic, because of poor decision making for the most part. But nope, the Critic just has to share us this dystopian fantasy to curb his misery where he feels people aren’t reading the Seuss books more than they are watching the films. To my own defense, I don’t see myself coming right back to the original books after experiencing these films because they don’t dampen my mood all that much, I remember the books very well enough, and I’m 26 years old. It’s not that I would say no to reading a Seuss book at any certain age, what I’m trying to say is that there are more important things for me to focus on than the integrity of a bunch of CHILDREN’S PICTURE BOOKS.

Black Willy Wonka: They needed to be popular so that everyone would see them, but they also needed to be horrible so that everyone would go back to remember just how good the original stories were. True beauty never fades, you just need to be reminded of it once in a while.

Jjs: So this was the big moral and only reason Doug stretched this review out for. The pretentiousness is making my skin crawl, holy shit this is utter cringe. This isn't even inspiring or clever, it just makes me think Doug needs to get off of his high horse.

Clappy: To quote Doug from his own review: Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!

OWM: Jokes on you Black Wonka, you can’t get America to read books on their own accord.

Steel: As dumb as the whole “fad is just one letter away from fade” line is, I believe this whole “twist” reveal is the worst moment from the review because if there’s one thing I can’t stand to see, it’s Doug giving himself a pat in the back for telling us that HE is right for convincing us just how timeless the original books are compared to the inferior movie adaptations while also trying to convince us that these films were apparently bad on purpose.

NC: And for discovering this, I get your moneymaking secrets as well as a lifetime of happiness?

Black Willy Wonka: No. You get a button.

Black Willy Wonka gives NC a button that says "I'm a Smartie".

NC: Thanks.

Jjs: It’s said if you look very carefully, you can see a “I Really Wish I Wasn’t Here Right Now” button on Malcolm, too.

Clappy: I think Malcolm has that button on every time he degrades himself further with these racially insensitive trope characters.

Steel: I think BWW may have given the Critic the wrong button there. I think he meant to give him the “Please Give Me a Cookie” or “I’m a Dumb-Dumb” button.

Black Willy Wonka: But, Critic, don't forget what happened to the man who got everything he always wanted.

NC: What happened?

Black Willy Wonka: I killed him. And stole all of his possessions.

BWW: The End!

NC: That didn’t help at all!

Jjs: Hahaha, I don’t get the joke!

NC stares at him awkwardly as Black Willy Wonka gives him a hug. The Wonkavator flies off into the distance.

Jjs: For all the unnecessary time spent on this skit, I feel we deserved a much better ending than this. I want my money and time back. :bruh:  

Clappy: And that Wonkavator is further polluting said environment further confusing Doug’s eco-friendly message about how badly The Lorax marketing campaign is damaging the environment.

OWM: Maybe we all just needed a hug from Black Willy Wonka.

Steel: “Aw, isn’t that precious?”

End credits.

Jjs: DING!

Channel Awesome logo

Once-ler: (singing) I'm just sayin'!

Jjs: Yep, this review is even more terrible than I remembered. In addition to its pretentiousness and egotism, it’s wildly inconsistent and hypocritical, showing how Doug was just throwing anything at the wall to dislike the movie for, regardless of if it made sense in context. He only had the end goal set in mind with this one, but not any of the road leading up to it, if that makes sense. Much like the Eight Crazy Nights review, this felt like a first draft with how sloppy it was at times. Weird pacing, too. In addition to “pretentious” being used a ton to describe this review, another one I’d use is “forced”. Everything about this review feels so...forced, and it took me a while to deduce why it feels that way, but I think I finally figured it out. He tried WAY TOO HARD to recapture the success of his Cat in the Hat review with this one, as I've hinted. It really does explain why he milked out the analyst gag for all its worth. I'm going to give our opponent credit where it's due and say his Cat in the Hat review, while having its own faults, is praised as one of his only decent post-return episodes, which I understand why. It worked because he had actual material to play off of. He didn’t try to snobbily talk down to his audience and twist the movie into something it isn’t. He just reviewed the shitty movie for what it was. The Lorax isn’t notably bad in the same way, and thus, he had to really stretch his points to get there. I believe that’s why his points feel so contradictory and all over the place, he tried too hard to hate it in the same way as Cat in the Hat, but that's not really how this works. Come on guys, regardless of how you feel about it, I don't think the film is atrocious in a way to warrant the type of lashing Doug gave it, which is also why this “deep” route falls flat. It’s not great by any means, but I don’t know, maybe the memes gave me some ironic value. Speaking of irony, for all of Doug’s rambling about how this movie has nothing to come back to and will be forgotten...does anyone even remember this review of his outside of circles like SBC? Does anyone on the internet go “hm, yeah, I’ll watch the Nostalgia Critic’s Lorax review for reasons to hate the movie” in the Current Year? Seems like your ingeniously crafted master plan kinda backfired, partner.

But the biggest issue with this review, and post-revival era in general really, is Doug does not work as a “serious” critic. This review fundamentally misunderstands what Nostalgia Critic is supposed to be: it’s not supposed to be a deep, serious, grandiose show which is why this one is egregiously bad to me. Nobody in the history of man has ever watched his videos for deep philosophical rambling, they just want to be entertained and see him rip apart bad movies. Once we had Doug Walker spewing philosophical essays about the integrity of Dr. Seuss...yeahhh, I kinda started to mentally check out from this series. Even to my teenage self, I realized this was the point he jumped the shark. But you know what, perhaps this type of "serious" approach could work...with a film that isn't The Lorax. Yeah, see, that's the other thing: He hasn't really evolved as a critic to pull this off, no matter how many times he tries to convince us otherwise. Say what you will about his “prime” nowadays but the reviews people liked from that era came from how he let easy bad movies do the work for him and he playfully riffed along. I’ll have more to say about that next episode, but he never really properly evolved from that mentality, which is why he struggles to make hard-hitting points for something that isn't as easily bad to review. All of it ends up feeling like a clunky word salad that stumbles over its own points. Any points he tries to make are also kinda blurred when they keep being interrupted with his obnoxious skits, which this review certainly has a contender for some of the worst in his series. These were really that bad. I didn’t mind his skits at first, but the more time went by, it’s reviews like this that made me absolutely despise them because they hijack the review, waste your time, and they aren’t funny. The artsy messages he tried to make using them don’t hold up under heavy scrutiny either, and collapse on themselves when you even begin thinking about them. And to think, he acted this holier than thou, uptight and preachy over The Lorax of all movies. The hell, mang? If you thought this was Doug’s nadir, wait until we enter the back half of this miniseries, because somehow, he always finds a way to go a step lower. I’m jjs, and we the people riff Nostalgia Critic so you don’t have to watch him!

Clappy: Yep, still as awful as I remember it to be. Heinous. Just heinous. Like it’s one thing to be as pretentious and preachy as many have so rightfully pointed out, but I forgot just how wildly inconsistent the Nostalgia Critic’s stance was throughout this entire review. One minute he is bitching about characters being wooden and flat and the next he is bitching about there being too much backstory. It’s called character depth Doug. Trying to add more layers to your characters so they aren’t as wooden and flat as you declared them to be just minutes prior. Then he’s complaining about the movie being too much “of the times”, but when it does try to do something unique to give it its own identity, he bitches about that too.

Look Doug, if you want to try and be more “in-depth” or “too deep for you”. Fine. Do it. You suck at it as all your recent failures have pointed out time and time and time again. But for the love of god, at least make your thoughts coherent and flow naturally. That’s part of the job of being a professional critic. Something I not once felt that he provided throughout his analysis of the film. Because he was too busy providing context towards how badly the studios fucked up the message of The Lorax as a story. Which is debatable. But it’s too bad that Doug took on the role of strawman in an argument that absolutely did not work in his favor. And instead made him come off as someone who was in far too deep up his own ass.

Still is one of the top three worst Nostalgia Critic episodes I’ve ever sat through. Hell, I think it might even be my number two. It’s that bad. And you know what rhymes with bad. Fad. And fad is one letter away from fade...thanks for the lesson in spelling you ignorant jackass.

OWM: Doug really isn’t meant to dip his toes into generic “anti-corporate” activism when he just nitpicks bland media that no one needs to pick apart, especially since he misses the mark way too often to be good at it. 

JCM: Honestly, I hated this review before the random act of racism at the end. This didn’t feel like something coming from somebody who was passionate about movies, despite the (horrible, forced) references to some of my favorite movies in The Lego Movie, Pulp Fiction, and Inception. What I loved about reading Roger Ebert before his passing was that even when I disagreed with him, he gave me something new to think about with every movie he reviewed. I’m not expecting Doug to be Roger Ebert. That’s unreasonable. But with the outlet he has and what was at one time a massive audience, I hoped he would make a better attempt at being insightful than what we see here. I’ve seen other NC videos, and most of them aren’t that bad, but they also give me little reason to want to watch more. Still, though, Black Willy Wonka? For as much as Doug hates focus groups, he definitely should have run that by one. I’ll probably be back. I hope there’s nothing else bad enough to make me want to pull my hair out, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to hope at this point. Rest in peace, Gene Wilder.

Steel: Aaaaand I’m an idiot for underestimating how bad this review was earlier when I did my worst NC reviews write-up. I joined in this expecting to be able to come up with witty commentary most of the time, but the end result was me calling out the Critic character for his stupidity unintentional or not, making up the majority of my riffing material for this installment. Even after this became such a frustrating read, I’ll admit that it may still be on my top 20 behind several other reviews including Eight Crazy Nights, Sailor Moon, The Matrix, his low-effort post-revival Star Wars reviews, Man of Steel, etcetera. From when I last evaluated this review during the past year, I only wished that I gave it another watch or asked around again from my peers on why they consider this the absolute worst from the Nostalgia Critic and it didn’t have to take a simple read of the review’s script to make me realize that. With the whole “Fad is just another letter away from fade” memes we’ve spawned out of this, and just the thought that NC got so pretentious over an animated family film that is otherwise based on a book by an iconic children’s author was amusing to me and I’ve built my feelings on the review around those sentiments, and so I ended up not judging this so fairly at the time because of that.

This is a repeat of the Critic’s previous reviews of adapted Seuss films except handled worse. I’ve always thought his Grinch and Cat in the Hat reviews were pretentious by some means, but he had such a good grasp on what he was reviewing and in illustrating why he hated them so much. The Critic’s pretentiousness during his review of The Lorax is played up to the point of being his downfall. If Doug knew he was going to hate this film right away, he didn’t have to make a NC video of it if he was not going to say anything different much from his other Seuss movie reviews (But what is one going to do if this is what was going to give him easy views?). When he does add something to his review of Illumination’s The Lorax, he relies on pointless skits and a shoehorned twist as a way to preach to us, like he’s done numerous times, that the original books are always better and timeless. He even ends up being inconsistent with his commentary, contradicting his points multiple times, which is the least you should expect from someone who proclaims to be a Dr. Seuss expert. 

So, the question here is why don’t I hate this review so much as everyone else here, even after I’ve torn it a new one? Aside from the unintentional comedy that I saw it in it, I don’t think it should be ignored that Doug at least tried to speak from the heart compared to how his commentary Eight Crazy Nights was built on his bitter contempt towards the film and Adam Sandler…and yet, he couldn’t do a near stellar job at speaking from his love for the source material and so instead, we got a incoherent mess where the Critic spitballs for reasons to hate the particular film. Still though, I feel a review like this could’ve worked if Doug, to put it bluntly, checked his scripts and made sure all his thoughts were consistent.

Even while The Lorax is a flawed film in several aspects, it isn’t a film that I would take as seriously as the Critic did, and I could say the same for other two Seuss films he’s condemned. Also, this review was done back in 2014 so of course Doug didn’t know that people were going to meme the heck out of it years later and then he could’ve either tackled it from a less butthurt perspective or left it well alone if he waited this one out. In other words, I don’t think this is in my top 10 worst NC reviews, barely missing it if I might add. I’ve dealt with worse, including the next review on the docket that started off what may as well be considered his most controversial theme month. However, when it comes to bad NC reviews in general, this shouldn’t be overlooked. That’s the end of my rambling for this review, so I shall make like the Humming-Fish and leave. I hear things are just as bad up in Lake Erie.

 

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Episode VII: The Matrix

Spoiler

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Jjs: It’s January and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! We’ve reached the second half of the series. You’re all brave for making it this far, so here’s some cookies for the riffers and audience who have stuck by. From here on out, I have not actually seen any of these reviews in video form, so I’m solely relying on the transcripts for my experience. Our next review takes us to January 2015, which sadly was also not a very good year for Nostalgia Critic! Our next three riffs are all from that year, starting with another one of his controversial reviews where Doug tries to give an edgy hot take for attention on The Matrix, as part of… *shudders* Matrix Month. This is where Doug’s month themes started to wear out their welcome for many, and where he really flounders at the “critic” part of his character. This one came out after I lost interest in the show, but I do recall Ding making a rather scathing comment about it on an SBC status, and many Matrix fanboys online were dunking on it. Years later and now I have to finally see this to believe it myself. Let’s roll.

Rusty: Hello I am back, and here I am and I am 15 years old, and I don’t watch Nostalgia Critic outside of the Commercials and Editorials, and even then I was losing interest in those. I have not seen this episode either and I only jumped into this riff because of the fact that I’m trans and that this movie is a trans allegory even tho I haven’t seen the matrix either oops. Oh well, I have nothing to lose so seo sinn a-nis.

JCM: Hi! I watched The Matrix a little over two years ago, but I rewatched it just for this review (or review of a review (or sarcastic commentary of a review, you know what I mean)). Now that I’m fully up to speed, I can’t wait to give my unbiased critique/commentary/whatever!

(We start off today's episode with lines of code raining down on the screen which not only has random Japanese hiragana, but also words like Stupid, Bloated, Pretentious, Heavy Handed, Dated, and Artsy, all of this being the Matrix Month card. 

Jjs: Funnily enough, every insult here can also apply to the Lorax review. Our riff choices weirdly lined up nicely here, I dig how the universe aligns sometimes.

Rusty: It’s. The. Wall. Review. 5 years early.

Two voices, both from Doug Walker, start speaking as the camera continues to zoom in on the code.)

Jjs: It took six years, but Doug is finally having his long overdue mental breakdown. I think the Internet State Penitentiary might be waiting for his return.

JCM: He can always join me in horny prison.

Voice 1: It's not possible.

Voice 2: It is.

Voice 1: I don't believe you.

Voice 2: Believe it.

Rusty: They have been doing this for five hours make it stop.

Voice 1: I can't believe after all these years, I'm finally discovering the truth!

Jjs: This video was only made for clickbait attention?

(The camera zooms out to a hand holding a red Solo cup.

Jjs: There’s our product placement for the episode! He should've played the Toby Keith song in the background for good measure just in case we didn't get it.

JCM: If there’s anything other than straight vodka in that cup, it won’t be enough to get me through this.

Every scene is put through a green filter like the movies.)

Jjs: Right off the bat I can tell where most of this review’s budget and effort went.

Rusty: The camera must be green with envy. His brother got sold to Scott the Woz.

Voice 2: Well, it is true.

Squidward: Everyone’s an idiot except me.

(Voice 1 is Chester A. Bum)

Jjs: Ohai Chester.

Chester: You don't like The Matrix.

Jjs: I hope you guys enjoy being reminded ad nauseam and have it beaten over your head until you’re unconscious that Doug Walker indeed, with the utmost certainty, does NOT like The Matrix, in case it’s too subtle for y’all throughout this review.

JCM: But does Doug like The Matrix though?

(Voice 2 is the Nostalgia Critic)

Jjs: Surprised he didn’t try to shoehorn in Hyper Fangirl here, but I’m not complaining.

NC: Yes, I don't like The Matrix. (He takes a drink from his cup.)

JCM: But does Doug like The Matrix though?

Jjs: Is this supposed to be his own drinking game where he takes a sip every time he tells us he doesn’t like the movie? 

Rusty: I hope so. Maybe the character can go away for good. Again.

Chester: Oh, you're talking about the sequels.

Jjs: Hahaha, I can already tell where this "joke" is going!

NC: No, the original Matrix, all of them! I think they're dumb movies.

JCM: But does Doug like The Matrix though?

Jjs: It may be stupid, but it’s also dumb!

Chester: But everybody loves The Matrix!

Jjs: Not Doug, weren't you just listening?

NC: I don't! I think it's overrated! 

Jjs: Not a valid criticism for problems with the movie. I absolutely hate “other people like this movie too much!” being used as a “criticism”...that has no bearing on the movie itself.

I mean, okay, it's not horrible or anything, but when push comes to shove, 

Jjs: Why don’t we take this review, and push it somewhere else?

JCM: Send it to The Matrix, maybe? I heard Doug liked that movie.

I think all of them are really silly films.

Jjs: Silly rabbit, Matrix are for true film connoisseurs!

Chester: But it's symbolic and means stuff.

Jjs: Ah, real nice to dumb down the film’s defenders, guy. The film’s fans have a lot more reasons to like it than “it’s symbolic and means stuff”. If you’re going to do this, at least do a better job showing the other side, because already this come off incredibly biased and arrogant.

Rusty: Anyone else ever noticed that during these reviews when he is trying to portray the other side of the argument, he always portrays them like he is superior to them? Because it’s front and center here.

NC: Just because it's symbolic and means stuff doesn't automatically make it good.

JCM: Hard hitting critique. You’ve really expanded my mind and made me think more about the film. “Symbolic”. “Means stuff”. “Not automatically good”.

Jjs: Just because you’re dumbing down the film's fanbase doesn’t automatically make the review good.

I mean, what, am I supposed to lie about my opinion? (Stands up and walks to the doorway)

Jjs: Hasn’t stopped him before. *coughjamesandthegiantpeach*

Rusty: *guns surround the critic*

Chester: You're gonna piss off so many people.

Jjs: Hasn’t stopped him before. *too many examples to list*

JCM: Can confirm. Am already pissed off.

NC: (Standing at doorway) If there's anything Big Hero 6 has taught me, it's that even if you think a film is okay, the Internet will accept it in a fair and balanced way.

Jjs: Comparing Big Hero 6 to The Matrix...does not compute?

JCM: If you want things fair and balanced, watch Fox News. It’s their slogan, so it has to be true! Right?

Besides, who's gonna take it that seriously.

Jjs: Given the backlash this review got, who indeed. Although I don't know what people expected by still taking him seriously in 2015 since the writing was on the wall for a while now, but we all have our regrets.

Rusty: Given the fact that people to this day still take him seriously is a testament to how fucking sad parts of the internet are.

(NC leaves to go refill his drink. 

Jjs: Doug has decided to review while under the influence again. I guess I need to get on his level so we’re equal. *pops open the fresh Jersey weed* 

Chester soon takes a drink before remembering it's his change cup and spits some coins back into it. 

Jjs: Still better than what Doug’s drinking.

When NC comes back, he's surprised to see an Agent (played by Doug) sitting at the table.)

Jjs: I genuinely think he’s close to a mental collapse with all of these personas of himself. 

Agent: (speaking like Agent Smith) Mr. Algiacritic.

Rusty: Algiacritic? Wha?

NC: Who the fuck are you?

Jjs: You, again. Doug is starting to remind me of Roger from American Dad with all of the many many many personas of himself, and fitting comparison, because Doug has become just as obnoxious! How’s that symbolism?

Agent: I hear tell that you don't like The Matrix. It's very understandable, Mr. Algiacritic. Most people have issues with the sequels.

JCM: I guess we’re doing this again.

Jjs: Because this was so hilarious the first time, let's repeat this joke again in hopes we find it a little less unfunny this time around. We already know what the "witty" retort will be. Stop the padding and get to the review already, dammit!

NC: No, I'm not talking about the sequels. I'm talking about all of them. I just don't like The Matrix!

Jjs: Bold. Give this man all of the reddit awards!

Agent: Really?

NC: And so what if I don't? What does it matter?

Jjs: It doesn’t, unless you want to make attention seeking clickbait out of it, of course.

Agent: I represent the fanbase, Mr. Algiacritic. I am Agent Schmuck,

Rusty: See, there he goes again, does the Doug have some sort of god complex or something?

 and you should well know that everybody...loves...The Matrix.

JCM: I’m...dramatically...making...a clearly false...statement.

NC: Well, I'm sorry. I just don't.

Jjs: Brave. Sadly I'm all out of cookies to give you, so take more reddit awards instead!

(We now come to our first set of clips showing the movie.)

NC (vo): I mean, don't get me wrong. 

Jjs: Will do.

Its technology and style inspired a lot in terms of cinema. For years, every film was trying to look like The Matrix. But even before the crowd-hating sequels came out, I still thought this was a pretentious and silly film. 

Jjs: This guy has no right to whine about something being "pretentious" given our previous riff and this very review.

Everyone saw it as this deep, mind-blowing experience, when in truth, dozens of science fiction stories and movies have done this idea before: the idea that our reality is an illusion. 

Jjs: Okay, and that doesn’t mean the film didn’t add its own unique spin?

JCM: “This movie copied the concept of multiple images being shown in rapid succession to present the illusion of movement. Therefore, it’s unoriginal and it sucks!”

Hell, some of the effects it's famous for were being done before this movie came out. (While Neo's bullet dodge scene is shown, a similar clip from Lost in Space is shown.) They just weren't perfected yet. 

Jjs: ...How in the hell is that the movie’s fault in any way? That’s like hating A New Hope because its effects “weren’t perfected yet”, what the hell. We’ve barely started and already he’s stretching for his nonsensical criticisms. This is gonna be a trip, I can tell.

It's got some clever stuff, but on the whole, I just didn't think it worked.

Jjs: Don’t wanna take Fred’s spotlight here, but this legitimately sounds like something The Irate Gamer would say.

Rusty: It’s like he’s trying to be critical and comedic but fails at both.

Schmuck: But, Mr. Algiacritic, it's symbolic and means stuff. The film is a masterpiece by every definition of the word. It's almost as if the writers weren't even writing, but transcribing brilliance.

JCM: Obviously, that’s what everyone who’s ever liked The Matrix believes.

Jjs: Sigh...we're really doing this. Stop dumbing down the film’s defenders for an easy strawman. This makes him look like an arrogant douche instead of having any reasonable points. God forbid there’s any actual nuance in this review, because that requires Doug to actually work as a critic! And since he loves beating his gags until they’re beating a horse’s zombie skeleton, I know we're going to be seeing this strawman gag a lot more. Yippie.

NC: Have you watched it recently? Like in the past ten years? It's just the eeny, teeny, bittiest dated.

Jjs: At the time of this review it was 15 years old, so no shit? Just because something is dated doesn’t automatically equal a compelling criticism, by the way. Especially when you’ve praised movies that were arguably even more dated than The Matrix in respects, so why is this the unlucky one that got your wrath? (Other than the obvious reason, of course: 🤑) Be consistent, please.

JCM: “Citizen Kane is so dated, though! Why didn’t they just shoot it in color?”

Schmuck: I'll tell you what, Mr. Algiacritic, why don't you just explain why you do not like the movies?

Jjs: Please do. We’re eagerly waiting. If you’re going to take a stance this brave, at least give us good reasoning. Show how you’ve evolved as a critic to tackle liked films instead of going for the easy riff bait you’ve done your whole career.

NC: Okay, but only if you stop puckering your lips like that.

Rusty: Heh, deeleeleee.

Schmuck: I make no promises.

Jjs: Well shit, you should’ve kept puckering your lips then! Would’ve helped us avoid everything below.

NC: (sighs and looks at the camera) All right, this is The Matrix.

Jjs: You can feel him staring into your very soul, and it’s creepy. Stop that!

Schmuck: Why are you looking over there?

NC: I dunno. Just feels right.

Schmuck: Ah.

Jjs: That, ladies and gentlemen, was three lines of dialogue that could’ve been used for something better in life. It’s useless padding like this that shows Doug still doesn’t care about cutting out any of the fluff. As long as the video is long, that means it’s good, right!?

(The movie starts)

Rusty: oh good, I don’t think it would’ve otherwise

NC (vo): We start off in an era of film when the color green ruled the world for some reason, 

Jjs: You planted grass?

JCM: Wait til they legalize weed everywhere. Green will be coming back in full force.

as secret agents arrive at a break in. And are so determined to convince you that they're "not" secret agents, that they actually wear sunglasses in the middle of the night. Maybe the Matrix is very bright?

Jjs: One of the first rules of being a secret agent is to never remove your sunglasses.

Agent Smith: The orders were for your protection.

Cop: I think we can handle one little girl.

NC: (as the cop) I figure the more condescending I say it, the more ironic the following scene will be.

Rusty: Explaining the joke makes it funny, right?

(Cut to Trinity breaking loose from the officer trying to cuff her, then the camera circles the two as she jump kicks him in the chest)

NC (vo): The person inside is Trinity, who likes to partake in shots that at the time were awesome, but now just kinda seem weird and pointless. 

Jjs: The "weird and pointless" shots that...give the movie its own unique flair? I see our criticism game is on point so far. But don’t worry folks, I’m sure he’s got some great criticisms in store! He’s playing soft to start and he’ll have us in awe when we don’t expect it, I swear!

JCM: Spinning slow motion shots are The Matrix’s “thing”. Are movies not allowed to have a thing anymore?

Perhaps it was done to show her legs look good from any angle? Which they do. They do.

Jjs: Another one to the fetish list!

NC (vo): She outruns the cops and agents through effects that really don't hold up very well, 

Jjs: It’s a, at the time, 15 year old movie, why do you keep bringing this up? Is this going to be what 90% of the film’s “criticisms” consist of? But don’t worry, I’m...sure...he still has good criticisms coming, haha…

and she's told to get to a phone, as it's her only exit to be teleported through.

(The phone rings, as Trinity runs to beat the agent driving a dump truck)

NC (vo): Have you ever wondered if just one time, the ringing phone wasn't an exit, but instead was just a wrong number?

JCM: No.

Jjs: No, but thanks for wondering for us. Looks like I need to upgrade my mind’s security again.

(Trinity answers the phone just as the truck crashes into the phone booth.)

Rob: (as phone advertiser) Have you found Jesus?

Jjs: NO, THIS IS PATRICK!

Rusty: Once again, a really good joke wasted on a really bad “review”. 

NC: (as Trinity) Oh, shit!

Jjs: Oh, shit, I’ve definitely had enough of Doug and Rob’s voiceover gags for a lifetime.

(The truck crashes through the phone booth and into a brick wall.)

Jjs: This is symbolic as the truck represents Doug’s review.

Rob: (as phone advertiser) Eh, never mind. Sounds like you just did.

Rusty: Man, what a waste of a very clever gag. Damn you, Doug.

(Cut to Neo sleeping in front of his computer while "Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack plays softly in the background)

NC (vo): We then cut to Keanu Reeves as Neo, a good looking hacker who's about to realize all his years of staying indoors on his computer is about to make him a badass action hero, as well as the Messiah. (beat) I think I'm starting to understand this film's fanbase.

JCM: So can we end the review early then?

Jjs: This is a Wholesome 100.

j0tCqwrV4405h49OhisOuhi9oaJXIKtg3B5-lOkL

(Cut to Neo doing a deal with a group of people)

Neo: Got the money?

Choi: Two grand.

Rusty: What Joe Biden should do with me right now. Every week.

(Neo hands a floppy disk to Choi)

Choi: Hallelujah. You're my savior, man. My own personal Jesus Christ.

NC: Wow. You just said it. I mean, there wasn't any like hidden messages or symbolism- No, you just said it! The film literally spelled out that he was the Messiah! (beat) 

Jjs: Kind of surprised he didn’t bring back the I AM JESUS gag from his Man of Steel review, but not complaining again.

What do the philosophy books have to say about that? (philosophy books about The Matrix appear, such as "Taking The Red Pill", "The Matrix And Philosophy", "Like A Splinter In Your Mind", and "Philosophers Explore The Matrix") You know, all those books that came out that were like "Philosophy and The Matrix! Ooh! What does it mean?"- W-What did they say at that point? (quote pops up saying "Confucius Say: Spend your Money Better") Ah.

Rusty: wow that’s kinda racist

JCM: Yes, because so many people love to spend money on philosophy books. You’ve really got that fanbase down to a T, don’t you, Doug?

Jjs: I’d rather spend my money on philosophy books about The Matrix then donating any of my money to Doug’s projects, that’s for sure. Sadly, the poor souls who funded Pop Quiz Hotshot weren’t so lucky.

(Next scene, Neo is in a night club)

NC (vo): So he goes to a club I really wish Blade would shoot up, where he meets Trinity.

Jjs: Amazing edgy joke, one I expected from an evolved film critic. Have a reddit upvote for it!

Rusty: Jesus Christ, Doug.

Neo: It was you on my computer. How did you do that?

Rusty: youtube.

Trinity: Right now, all I can tell you, is that you're in danger.

Jjs: I am the danger.

NC: (as Trinity) And that I literally have the same reaction throughout the entire film. No, really, you could impale me on metal wires, and I'd still have this face. But, let's not tempt fate.

Jjs: Such clever and totally not in your face subtly! Why don’t you subtly give away how the movie ends too?

Trinity: I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit at your computer.

NC: ...He's a dork?

Jjs: Now Doug is invoking the wrath of gamers! This was only a few months after Gamergate too, very ballsy move.

Rusty: He’s me.

JCM: For as much of a problem as Doug seems to have with this movie insulting its audience, he sure has no problem insulting his.

Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it will find you. If you want it to.

NC (vo): So Trinity leaves him with that essential vague book talk, 

Rusty: You could talk, Mr. Wall.

when the next day at work, we see his boss tries to clarify to us more why his rebellious loser behavior is secretly inspired.

Rhineheart: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Anderson. You believe you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously, you are mistaken.

NC: (laughs) Can we just cut to every snobby authority figure who's ever given this speech to a young brilliant genius?

Jjs: Can we just cut past this gag, since I already know how this is going to go?

JCM: Can we just cut to the part where you end this review?

Rhineheart: You have a problem with authority.

(Cut to Zed and Kay from Men in Black)

Zed: He's got a real problem with authority.

(Back to The Matrix)

Rhineheart: That somehow the rules do not apply to you.

(Cut to Dean Walcott and Patch from Patch Adams)

Walcott: You don't necessarily think the rules apply to you.

(Back to The Matrix)

Rhineheart: Obviously, you are mistaken.

(Cut to The Emperor, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi)

The Emperor: You will find that it is you who are mistaken.

Jjs: A bunch of cherry picked similar lines that are probably unintentional coincidences is a great way to pad out your review and make no actual points. Don’t wanna throw in a few more pointless comparisons to waste our time, Doug? Or hell, even make a phone call to the Wachowskis themselves to check! I’m sure there’s plenty of room in the runtime. Also, he literally did a comparison gag just like this six years prior in his Nicktoons review, and it's even more pointless than it was there. We sure have come a long way, folks!

NC: (as Rhineheart) And I hope in NO WAY your drumming to a different beat will save all of mankind. I have a bet going.

Rusty: What does this prove, that being different saving a conformist society is an overused arc? Huh?

(Cut to Neo in his cubicle, with a delivery man dropping off a package)

Fedex Guy: Package for Thomas Anderson?

Neo: Yeah. That's me.

NC (vo): Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, his name is Tom?

Jjs: No, it’s Thomas Anderson, duh.

I mean, I know he's given himself the name Neo, and that's what everybody calls him, but just kinda sucks out the epicness once you know that, doesn't it? The fate of all mankind is in the hands of a guy named Tom! Fucking Tom! "What would Tom do?" "All praise savior Tom!" (laughs) Really, Tom?

Jjs: Could’ve been worse, at least they didn’t make three, count ‘em, three movies where the protagonist is named Doug.

JCM: Sheldon? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Rusty: How dare he have a regular name. Wait until he hears about David. Fucking DAVID.

Schmuck: Yes, but Neo is an anagram for One.

NC: Yes, but Tom is also an anagram for OMT: Oh, my Tom.

Rusty: What does that have to do with anything?

Jjs: OMT also possibly stands for: Oh, more time (wasted on an unfunny gag).

Schmuck: Yes-

NC: And the Tom in that anagram is also an anagram for OMT: Oh, my Tom.

Jjs: So funny, he had to tell us twice!

Rusty: Doing it again isn’t driving your point home.

Schmuck: I understand-

NC: And the Tom in that-

Schmuck: I get it-

Jjs: Even one of Doug's personas is getting real sick of this shit. Looks like he's unplugging from his own matrix.

NC: -anagram is also an anagram-

Schmuck: Very amusing-

Rusty: bit of an overstatement.

NC: -for Oh, my Tom!

Rusty: this guy is just filling time now, is he?

JCM: Wow! That’s almost as unfunny the third time around!

Schmuck: You're funny-

Rusty: also a bit of an overstatement.

NC: And the Tom in that ana-

Schmuck: Continue and I will liquidate your testicles!

NC: Okay…

Jjs: Such...great...criticism. Seriously, why do you keep writing overly long unfunny gags like this if you know in your head they’re annoying? Writing intentionally dumb moments doesn’t automatically make them amusing for the audience, especially when Doug doesn’t have any clever tongue in cheek self-awareness to pull this off.

(Cut back to The Matrix)

Fedex Guy: Have a nice day.

NC: (as Neo) I will not wish you the same as I'm too angsty and important to do so.

Rusty: i will not be funny either

JCM: Screw you for not wishing your FedEx guy a nice guy!

Jjs: Look, he’s mocking a character with a voiceover gag! 10/10 film criticism and comedy!

(Neo opens the package, and finds a phone that starts ringing.)

NC (vo): So Tom gets a call from a man named Morpheus who says agents are after him.

Jjs: Oh...we’re back to the recap now, huh. It’s so jarring to go from WHACKY VOICEOVER GAG back to Doug recapping a movie he says many times he doesn’t like or understand. For me, this kind of kills the review’s pacing flow when you jump back and forth between stupid “criticism” and recapping without proper transition. 

(Agents enter Neo's office, as he ducks down in his cubicle.)

Morpheus: (over the phone) The cubicle across from you is empty.

(Agents get closer to Neo's cubicle)

Neo: What if they-

Morpheus: (over the phone) Go! Now!

(Neo rushes into the cubicle next to his as the agents arrive.)

NC (vo): Really? W-wait a minute, let me just get this straight: All the Matrix's wiring, coding, endless connections, all of us being hooked up, and they're fucking outwitted by a goddamn cubicle wall?!

Rusty: Doug wants god powers, it seems like.

Jjs: Yeah, because if they couldn’t, it would be too overpowered and our heroes would fail. There has to be a weakness in it. Y’know, basic screenwriting, the stakes must be balanced. Get used to needless nitpicking like this folks, because that’s what the other percentage of this review consists of.

Schmuck: You must understand, Mr. Algiacritic, all of the rebel fighters have been unplugged.

NC: But he isn't! Not yet! The Matrix is all controlled by machines; they can become anyone and do anything just through coding. Can't they just do like a code Google search for Tom-

Jjs: So now you finally acknowledge Google’s existence after 6 years. Better late than never. Too bad it still couldn’t help you comprehend basic concepts for this movie.

Rusty: He acknowledges it but he doesn’t use it.

Schmuck: Please stop calling him that.

Jjs: Honestly, I’m feeling for Schmuck the most in this review. He’s the true protagonist, and I really hope his arc gets a satisfying ending for everything he's going through.

NC: -and find him that easily? I mean, just because he's behind a wall doesn't mean his code still isn't there.

JCM: Maybe call up the writers and ask them yourself. Your viewers aren’t Morpheus. They can’t give you all of the answers you’re seeking.

Jjs: Once again, there needs to be a weakness to the technology or it’d be overpowered. Something I’m sure you’d be raging about. There’s this fascinating concept called “suspension of disbelief”, try looking it up sometime. Does this very minuscule detail break the movie that much for you? This is textbook nitpicking at its finest. 

Schmuck: I don't think you comprehend how truly thick that cubicle wall is.

Rusty: Oh look, weaknesses, Doug!

Jjs: One thing’s for sure, Doug’s head is thick.

(Cut to Neo being led by the agents to their car)

Schmuck (vo): Anyway, as you can see, we ended up getting him. It's not like he stood out like a-

NC: (as scene plays of Trinity watching them from her bike parked in front of them) (annoyed) Like the most wanted...woman you've been looking for, standing right next to you, drenched in leather so loud, that you could actually call her a bullseye? Even with you looking RIGHT FUCKING AT HER?! Where's your cubicle wall on that one?!

Jjs: Because the point of her character is that she’s a hacker who escaped from The Matrix...can you please pay attention. God, I feel like I’m in a CinemaSins video with this stupid obsession of “plot holes” that really aren’t.

Schmuck: ... The Matrix is very glitchy. (NC sighs with exhaustion) Yyeeah.

Jjs: Okay, this line shows one of the biggest issues I have with this review. If he was going to do this strawman to portray the film’s fanbase...why didn’t he get someone who actually likes the film to play this role so it would give the other side a playing chance? You know...actual nuance, something this review (and series) lacks? He had no problem doing it with Man of Steel, a film that in hindsight didn’t even need a devil’s advocate. He couldn’t even extend that same courtesy to a film people actually like? What the actual fuck??? Were his buddies unavailable at the time? I’m sure one of them would’ve liked to defend this movie. Granted, I wouldn’t blame them if they wanted to skip out on this, but still, it shows the complete lack of nuance here. You're all idiots, Doug’s right whether you like it or not!

(We are shown the scene in the room where Neo is interrogated by Agent Smith with other agents as his henchmen.)

NC (vo): So he meets up with Agent Smith, played by Hugo Weaving, who’s trying to find out the location of Morpheus.

Agent Smith: He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive.

Jjs: Yep, the authorities are still on the lookout for Doug after his many crimes.

Neo: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap.

NC (vo): When Tom refuses to tell him, they give him the silent treatment

JCM: That’s one way to describe a guy’s mouth getting sewn shut.

and put a tracking device inside. But he is intercepted later by Trinity’s gang who wants to make sure they know where his loyalties lie.

Switch: (In the car, under the bridge, with rain pouring down outside.) Right now, there's only one rule. Our way... or the highway.

Trinity: (As Neo opens his door and moves like he is about to step out of the car.) Please, Neo, you have to trust me. Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. (Neo reconsiders after seeing the movie poster of Constantine and closes the door.)

Rusty: That was cheap.

Jjs: LOL EPIC, he OWNED Keanu Reeves everyone!!! 😎 Any other movies of his you want to throw potshots at while we're at it like 47 Ronin or Bram Stroker's Dracula, anything to distract from the actual movie at hand?

NC (vo): So they get the tracking device out of him by literally ripping it out of his stomach.

Rusty: yo it’s like saaaawwwwwww

And Reeves forgets to act like getting something ripped out of your stomach really fucking hurts.

Jjs: KEANU BAD ACTOR, 10/10 FILM CRITICISM, REDDIT GOLD! Seriously, did he not sign your autograph or something? This is getting as bad as his hateboner towards Sandler.

Rusty: That’s like 2000s criticism.

(The tracking device squirms around in its container.)

Neo: Jesus Christ, that thing's real?!

Rusty: as if things needed to move to be real. Yeah, you know those mountains in East Tennessee? They never move, so they must not be real. *eye roll*

NC: (as Neo) I mean, I know I should be screaming in agony, but I'm just so puzzled as to why you haven't attended my wound yet. I mean, you didn't even put a band-aid on it.

JCM: The tracking device climbed into his stomach without leaving a mark, so did it maybe occur to you that in the virtual world of The Matrix things like that can happen without hurting you too much? I know it doesn’t fit your “Matrix bad Keavu bad” narrative but it could just be that simple.

Jjs: I will say it’s kinda hilarious he’s complaining about Keanu’s “bad acting” when he keeps doing this obnoxious voiceover schtick. 

(Trinity tosses the tracking device out the window.

Rusty: This must’ve been what happened to NC's ability to think critically. 

Cut to Neo meeting Morpheus)

NC (vo): So he finally meets Morpheus, as he's told what the Matrix is.

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now in this very room. You can feel it, when you go to work, when you go to church.

NC: It's God, Enlightenment, The Force, and Aslan all rolled into one!

Jjs: Doug could sure use some Enlightenment himself.

JCM: Dude managed to piss off two religions and two massive fan bases with one snide remark. I’m actually impressed.

(Morpheus opens both hands to Neo, revealing a blue and a red pill.)

Morpheus: You take the blue pill, you wake up in your bed, and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland.

Jjs: And here spawns a political analogy that many weirdos online would abuse, but that’s a story for another time. Be glad this review came out before that took off.

NC: (as Morpheus) It also relieves nighttime sneezing, sniffling, coughing, aching, fever, so you can see past reality.

JCM: Can it relieve the suffering Doug is currently putting me through?

Rusty: Can it help out with my depression?

(Neo takes the red pill. Cut to Neo being taken over by silver liquid material from a mirror)

Rusty: It can, woohoo!

NC (vo): He starts to turn into the Tom 1000 simply by touching a mirror...which is never explained, 

Jjs: From the filmmakers themselves:

“The mirror is actually a mirror. When Neo sees it it’s a hallucination, but it’s the direct result of the pill Morpheus has given Neo. Reflections in general are a significant theme in the film. The ideas of worlds within worlds..”

But I get it, symbolism is too tricky to comprehend for the almighty Nostalgia Critic. Also, this is his hypocrisy at his finest again because he spent the entirety of The Lorax review bitching that it was too simple, but now he hates a film for being too complex? Fix that faulty on and off switch already!

Rusty: He just wants to bitch about a movie for all the flaws, no matter how contradictory. How do people take this character seriously, he’s the definition of a walking contradiction!

but fucking get used to that…

Jjs: Even though I’ve already somewhat properly recapped several parts of the movie just fine earlier, but now I have to force this in to meet my quota for “reasons” to dislike the movie!

JCM: >gets mad at movie villains for not knowing how to google

>doesn’t know how to google himself

as he's teleported to a rebirth metaphor where one of the machines sees him waking up.

(Neo wakes up in a pod of pink liquid,

Rusty: Goddammit, my Libito’s going nuts again, hold on.  

as a machine grabs him by the throat.)

NC: (as Neo) Are you my mommy?

Jjs: Goddamn, I think he’s done more voiceovers than the Eight Crazy Nights review. Can you please come up with other jokes, force a meme, find something to go into rage hysterics over, literally anything else but this? I’m sick of it. This is some of his most repetitive and unfunny humor ever. If it was only a few dispersed throughout, fine, but when he’s overusing them this badly in rapid succession to distract from any actual criticism, you start to understand why I get aggravated by them after a point. It shows how dead on arrival this was if this is the majority of your “humor.”

(Neo gets unplugged and ejected down a chute. 

Rusty: *screams as they get hit in the crotch by a brick*

He is grabbed by a mechanic hand and lifted into the Nebuchadnezzar, then walked semi-conscious through the ship)

NC (vo): He is flushed down to where they dump the other people who wake up, where Morpheus and the gang are there to grab him… Which isn’t guarded at all, apparently! I mean… What the hell?...Couldn’t just anyone hang out here to pick up unplugged people to join their army? Don’t you think there’d be just some security system letting the machines know that people are being picked up who woke up and are probably a little pissed off and might be starting an underground revolution? Why are all these things so resistant about looking behind a wall?

Jjs: It was revealed that the machines actually support the rebellion in order to manipulate the One, which is why they let them in. Research, again, but oh wait, Doug is always right, silly me! He really needed a devil's advocate to go against if he's failing to understand the movie this badly. Again, he did this for fucking MAN OF STEEL of all movies, but not this, let that sink in for you.

(The next scene is of Neo connected to a heart monitor while several acupuncture needles are stuck all over his body.)

Rusty: Okay, I’m back.

NC (vo): I got nothing near it. Just looks funny.

Rusty:  zlHe28FAEKipXlEINQpbUmfjirkGLsYey2TBRQkD

JCM: Naked guy with needles in him...looks funny! Brilliant!

Jjs: ...what? Wow, now the “review” has moved onto actual legit dialogue filler. It’s little things like this that shouldn’t piss me off, but they do. It shows how little editing or care was actually put into this video. Doug was WAY in over his head trying to do a serious criticism of an actual liked film, but kept pressing onward anyway because he figured his fanbase would eat it up (spoiler: they didn’t). 

(Morpheus is introducing the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar to Neo.)

Morpheus: This is Apoc, Switch, Cypher.

Cypher: Hi.

Rusty: EbuHm78DYOmbYbBuPVERAnGxsoAMc37j3D6-oQlS

Morpheus: Tank, and his big brother Dozer. The little one behind you is Mouse.

NC (vo): (as Morpheus) They will be your obvious Disciples for the evening. Try to guess which one is Judas. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Jjs: Here’s another fun game you could play: Tell actual jokes that don’t require voiceovers! Winner gets a free red solo cup.

(Cut to a later scene showing Cypher talking with Neo)

Cypher: I know what you're thinking. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here. (Sighs) Why, oh, why didn't I take the blue pill?

NC (vo): (As Neo) Actually, I'm colorblind and thought I was taking the blue pill. But hey, when life gives you fucking lemons, right?

Jjs: Apologies to people who are colorblind everywhere.

JCM: Apologies to people who actually sat through this review everywhere.

Rusty: Apologies to people who exist everywhere.

Morpheus: This will feel a little weird.

Rusty: blublu...OH GODDAMMIT 

NC (vo): So they plug Tom in to show him that the Matrix is apparently 90% of where all television ads take place. (On the corner is a clip of an "I'm a PC/I'm a Mac" commercial.)

PC: Hi! I’m a PC, and if I have to watch another second of this, I will literally blue-screen myself!

Mac: Hi, I'm a Mac, and if I have to watch another second of this, I will raise my price even higher!

Morpheus: This is the world that you know.

(Morpheus turns on the TV, only for it to be a clip of Cowboy Curtis from Pee Wee's Playhouse.)

NC (vo): (as Morpheus) Ignore that. Past life. 

Rusty: boo

Jjs: Ignore that. Forced reference.

(normal) He's shown that the real world is in ruin and ruled by the Machines who took over, harnessing people's energy into their power, and that humanity isn't born anymore, but grown.

Jjs: Oh, so now we understand the movie’s plot again, eh? 

Morpheus: At some point in the early 21st century, all of mankind was united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth to A.I.

Neo: A.I.? You mean artificial intelligence.

NC (vo; sighs): Really? The One, the fucking One, our savior from this advanced technological world has to be reminded what A.I. means?

Rusty: It was made in the late 90’s, you dingus.

JCM: No, the audience does. Have you ever watched a sci-fi movie before?

Jjs: He’s supposed to be learning information as he goes along. It’s the classic fish out of water trope, which I thought was clear if you were paying attention but I guess not. This nitpick is kind of weird though since spoilers, Doug acknowledges below Neo is learning things as he goes later on...which makes this line completely pointless! Yippie, more wasted time!

Isn't that like being the (a picture of a frat party is shown) world's greatest frat house and not knowing what BYOB stands for?

Jjs: Isn’t that also like being a self-proclaimed film critic and not knowing basic character arc tropes?

Morpheus: Get some rest. You're going to need it.

NC (vo): (as Morpheus) Tomorrow, I have even more long-winded speeches to make. (normal) So they teach Tom that in this mental realm of illusion, the most powerful force is still apparently just beating the shit out of each other.

JCM: You should try it. I’ll happily bring out my boxing gloves for the demonstration.

(Clip from earlier where Neo has various combat data put into his head)

Neo: I know kung fu.

Rusty: Hi Skipper.

NC: Great! Now try to pick up acting! 

Jjs: OH MY GOD, WE GET IT ALREADY, GET NEW MATERIAL! I understand Keanu’s acting isn't amazing at times for as much as the internet loves him now (and really, it's not even that bad here?), but this is middle school level film criticism. He's annoyingly repeated this too much for it to be a hard hitting point by now. If he’s going to act “professional”, we expect more depth than durr bad acting. He’s still “criticizing” this