Finals Week: A Memoir of the Worst Week of My Life

[Sweat]

In case it is not obvious to the people who don't know me well enough, this is going to be a writing explaining the last full week of January this year, which is mainly involving my brother killing himself and the emotions I went through and the reactions of others. I'm not sure how many chapters it will be, but it may be five or so. We'll see.

Chapter I
Beforehand... {Part 1}

          Finals week is a famously hated time for many people. I'm sure people have heard every cliche in the book. Stress, boredom, tiredness, dread, mental breakdowns, the works. While a lot of people usually do all of this because they're too worried about getting 65% on that one History exam that they forgot to study for, my week went in a more fucked up turn. This is the story of the worst week I've experienced quite possibly ever, what led up to it, and how things have been dealt with afterwards.

          Before I talk about the week itself, I'd like to provide context to everything. Otherwise, this will surely all be confusing.

          There are so many facets to this issue, that it is very tough to get a grasp on all of it. Firstly, I feel like I need to explain who were involved. First of all, there were my parents. My mom and dad, throughout my whole life, have been a conservative type. This was mainly due to them living in a small European country in the Balkans called Bosnia & Herzegovina, but most just say it is Bosnia. They lived in a farming family for practically their whole lives, never really having formal education, and as a result, when they moved here to the United States, they still like growing crops and building stuff, but of course, they're in smaller sizes and quantities. This is America, it gets really expensive to get enough space to be able to feed more than just your family by growing stuff, especially in a place like Minnesota where the soil is completely unusuable for a good number of months.

          They did have kids there, too. Three of them, to be exact. Two sons, my older brothers, and one daughter, my only older sister. My brothers and sister have a very noticeable contrast if you know them long enough. My sister has, for the most part, followed my parents' ideology. Despite having a white-collar job (unlike my parents, where my dad welds sheet metal and my mother is a stay-at-home), she has kept the conservative aspects of it throughout her life. She's managed to have a good life, with a husband and two beautiful daughters that I just absolutely love, and it's arguable that she has had the most successful life of my older siblings.

          My brothers are very different. Since the beginning, they have been very deeply against my parents' conservatism. For example, my mom and dad are very homophobic. My brothers heavily support gay people, and one of theme is gay themself. They have both had rocky lives. One of them joined the military at age 18, and quit the army about a decade later once he lost all cartilage in his knees. While he did manage to end up with a nice wife and stepdaughter to make up for his horrible life beforehand, my other brother was not nearly as fortunate. For the most part, he was shunned by my parents for being gay, and along with that, he was very mentally ill. He was stable at times and a pretty smart guy in general, but he has some major flaws that eventually led to... well, you know. He was never able to keep a job for more than a month, he constantly moved away from our house and came back, he would always be throwing fits, and he never really truly bonded with my parents, especially for being gay. My brother who's still alive really hasn't done the same thing either. I mean, he tried many times, but he's done too many horrible things to my parents that he truly redeemed himself in any way, so as a result, I haven't seen him in months. It really doesn't make anything better that they have both been diagnosed as bipolar, but never got proper treatment for it.

          If it isn't obvious, all four of my direct family who is older has clashed and feuded a whole lot. I can still hear the yelling and crying that has happened in previous fights. What made it all the more heartbreaking is the fact that they all seemed to have made up more than once, and then they would eventually fuck it up and start fighting a few more months later. Here are some particular scenes I vividly remember in my head:

• My (dead) brother getting so mad that my parents wouldn't allow me and my little sister to play with his professional camera, that he went to the backyard, and smashed it completely to pieces in front of everyone.
• My (alive) brother started talking shit about my other one directly to me, and when I got mad at him and flipped him off, he ran to the basement where my brother was, and started choking and punching him until my parents pulled him apart. When your brother chokes the other and the says sorry to me in a really cold way right before I go to sleep, it's really intense.
• One fight that happened got so out of hand that my (dead) brother simply just packed his stuff in his car and left, telling us that he was going to leave forever. I cried pretty damn hard that night... until my brother actually came back a few hours later. Way too awkward...

          If it isn't obvious, my family has been extremely rocky throughout my life. Up until last year, my brothers successfuly convinced my that my parents were awful, and I feel ashamed. First of all, my brothers were obviously way too unstable to say anything that would be truly reliable to me, especially when I was twelve or thirteen years old. While my parents and older sister do have flaws like their homophobia and denial of mental illness, for the most part, they are wonderfully understanding with me and supportive. I really cannot tell if that was simply them maturing or me maturing. It's most likely to be a mixture of both, but I can't tell when most of my life has been drowned in delusions.

           One person I didn't really introduce yet is my little sister. She doesn't really have much of a role in this. Basically, she has been incredibly supportive, and while we have fought plenty of times, we're very good friends and has always been by my side through these family issues. Without a doubt, she is the one person in my life that would be the hardest to live without.

 

 

 

That's all for chapter 1. I can't say when to expect the next portion of this story. Sorry if you were looking for more details on the actual week, but I know that without these types of introductions, this will probably just leave you confused and alienated. I hope you like how this is going so far.

Edited March 5, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

You have...all my condolences, all my sympathies. I've also grown up in an on-and-off dysfunctional family with conservative parents. It is a soul-crushing experience. 

[PatBack]

"homophobia" There's that word again...(I wish there was a way to portray sighing through text without looking like a tool).

Gripes aside, this looks to be a pretty interesting manner of expressing your opinions without getting judged or criticized for it. Keep up the good work.

[WhoBibbles]

Oh man, I fell feel bad for what you have been through. It really sounds so horrible. I really hope things get better for you soon. I'm truly sorry

[TJ]

Oh wow, I'm so sorry about what you're going through, and my thoughts go out to your dead brother. 

Edited May 29, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Jane]

19 hours ago, PatBack™ said:

"homophobia" There's that word again...(I wish there was a way to portray sighing through text without looking like a tool).

lol are u homophobic

Edited March 6, 2016 by Teamwork

[PatBack]

22 hours ago, Teamwork said:

lol are u homophobic

No, I'm not homophobic.

Edited March 7, 2016 by PatBack™