Xat Time Travelers

[JCM]

Episode XLV

(7/18/15)

xat.com/sbcommunity

 : I'll see what I can do.

 : But I wouldn't be surprised if the aliens were reading this right now.

 : Goodbye.

 Trophy: you're taking us back?

 : Yes.

 : And this is probably the last you'll be seeing of me.

 JCM: trophy?

 JCM: hayden?

 JCM: where have you guys been?

 Trophy: you wouldn't believe us if we told you

London

(Christopher closes his laptop and sighs. He hears a knock on the door, walks to the door, and opens it, revealing a woman on the other side.)

Christopher: Do I know you?

Woman: Probably not, but I know you.

(Later that night, the alien walks into Christopher's room to find him sitting on his bed, awake.)

Christopher: Did you know?

(The alien looks at Christopher with confusion.)

Christopher: Did you know about that woman I met at the pub the night after I first met you?

(The alien's eyes widen.)

Christopher: The woman who I shagged that night and who I never heard from again...at least until today?

(The alien lowers its head.)

Christopher: Because that woman was just diagnosed with a terminal brain disease this morning, and she couldn't bear to die without me knowing the truth! So tell me, was she the only person who knew that truth?

(The alien raises its head again, grabs a notebook from Christopher's desk, and starts writing on it.)

Christopher: I've never been any different than those humans who tortured you, have I? Is that why you and your leader feel the need to torture me? Whatever you write in there won't make any of this better. You came here to kill me, so kill me! I've never been anything more than a tool to you, and I've outlived my usefulness, so kill me now! (voice cracks) Just...kill me.

(The alien drops the notebook in Christopher's lap and walks out of the room.)

(6/16/17)

New York

Christopher: He explained everything in that notebook.

Hayden: He?

Christopher: Yes, he has a name. The closest approximation to it in our world is Xavier.

Hayden: So, you named the thing. Do you have sleepovers with it, too?

Christopher: He’s still a living creature, with the same feelings and emotions as humans.

(Liam comes out of the kitchen holding a mug.)

Liam: Would anybody like some coffee? I have a suspicion that it will be a long night.

Christopher: I’m quite good, thank you.

Hayden: Same. Now, what was this about a notebook?

Christopher: Oh yeah, Xavier revealed everything in there. It turns out that that the day he first came by my place, he put tiny holes in all my condoms and spiked my water with a drug that would increase my fertility and libido. Basically, he ensured that I would get a woman pregnant that night.

Hayden: And she got pregnant with me.

(Christopher nodded.)

Christopher: That drug also did one more thing to me: it temporarily replaced my Y chromosome with that of an alien’s.

Hayden: Wait, does that mean I have alien DNA?

Christopher: (sighs) Yes, you’re part-alien.

(Liam spits out his coffee.)

Liam: Wow! Not even I was expecting that!

Hayden: Jesus Christ. I’m an alien.

Liam: You’re a Haylien!

Hayden: No. This isn’t true. None of this is true!

Christopher: I know this is a lot to take in, but you need to believe me, because there’s something we need to do.

Hayden: No! I’m not doing anything with you. You and “Xavier” can try and manipulate somebody else.

Christopher: Can you look me in my eyes right now and tell me that I’m not your father?

(Hayden looks Christopher in the eyes.)

Hayden: You’re not my father.

(Hayden leaves the condo, and Liam follows him.)

Liam: Where are you going?

Hayden: Away from here.

Liam: But you’re my ride!

Hayden: Guess you’ll have to find another one.

(Hayden gets into his car and drives off. Christopher joins Liam outside a few minutes later.)

Liam: Why did you think I’d make it any easier to get to him?

Christopher: I don’t know. He knew you. It was gamble, but it was the only idea I had at the time. Plus, you were nearby.

Liam: I’m a little pissed you kept that Haylien thing from me, but I suppose I still know one thing he doesn’t.

Christopher: Yes, I wish I had an opportunity to tell him that when I got that woman pregnant, I got her pregnant with twins.

Virginia

(CF is sitting in a police station. One of the officers walk up to her.)

Officer: It’s time to take your statement.

(CF walks into another room, where the chief of police is waiting for her.)

Chief of police: So, I heard that you were found with a dead body an hour ago. Like father, like daughter, I see.

CF: Like I told everybody else here, it was self-defense.

Chief of police: Sorry if that’s a little hard for me to believe, considering your reputation.

CF: Are you going to arrest me, sir?

Chief of police: No need. I got a call from the director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Told me to hold onto you until his guys get here.

CF: What?

(CF tries to open the door, but it’s locked. The chief of police’s cell phone starts to ring, and he answers it.)

Chief of police: Yeah, I’ve got her right here.

(Mike Pompeo is calling the chief of police from the backseat of a car with three other agents.)

Pompeo: Good. Hold on, I’ve got another call. Hello? What’s happening at Gitmo?

Cuba

(A security guard is on the floor of a detention center, bleeding from his stomach and holding his cell phone with a shaky hand.)

Security guard: It’s terrible, terrible! Please come as soon as you can!

(The security guard watches helplessly as Xavier, still dressed as a soldier, goes into a cellblock and kills all of the security guards inside it. Xavier then looks into each cell until he finds the detainee Gina Haspel tortured earlier in the day.)

Detainee: W-who are you?

(The detainee hears a voice in his head.)

Voice: It’s me, Tan. I’m here to get you out of here.

(Tan stares at Xavier, mystified. Xavier simply nods his head before jumping down, grabbing keys from the pocket of one of the dead security guards, and using those keys to open Tan’s cell door.)

Tan: Why are you helping me?

Xavier: Because I need you. You and your brother.

Tan: I have a brother?

Xavier: Yes, you do.

(Xavier sends images of Hayden driving down the highway into Tan's mind.)

Xavier: And you're about to meet him.

[JCM]

Episode XLVI 

(6/17/17) 

Virginia 

(CDCB wakes up on a pile of VHS tapes at his friend’s house.) 

CDCB: (rubs head) Oh, man. What did I do last night? 

(CDCB fishes out his cell phone from the pile of tapes, and when he turns it on, he sees several unread text messages from CF.) 

CDCB: Oh, shit! 

(CDCB runs past his friend in the kitchen as he grabs his jacket.) 

Friend: Wait, don’t you want to try some of my bacon before you leave? 

CDCB: Well…I do love bacon. 

(As CDCB chews on a slice of bacon, he turns his friend’s television on.) 

Pompeo: (on the television) We here at the CIA are the real ones protecting your liberty, and we’ll continue doing that by using the agency’s newly granted powers to get the fugitive four off the streets for good. 

CDCB: Oh, shit! This bacon is delicious! 

Friend: Hey, aren’t you one of the fugitive four? 

CDCB: Yeah, but they haven’t tracked me down yet. 

(CDCB, eating three slices of bacon at once, walks out of the house to find it surrounded by CIA vans.) 

CDCB: I stand corrected. 

Maine 

(Hayden is speeding down the interstate.) 

Hayden: Okay, all you have to do is get to Canada. Once you do that, you can figure out your next move. 

(Suddenly, Xavier jumps in front of Hayden’s car and stops it with one hand, denting the front bumper in the process.) 

Hayden: How the hell? 

(Hayden grabs a gun from the box behind him, gets out of the car, and points the gun at Xavier. Tan runs out of bushes on the side of the road.) 

Tan: Wait! Don’t shoot him! 

Hayden: Why not? 

(Xavier grabs Tan and puts him between himself and Hayden. Hayden hears Xavier’s voice inside his head.) 

Xavier: Because in doing so, you’d be shooting your own brother. 

Hayden: So it talks. Tell me, who else am I related to? E.T.? 

Xavier: Just hear me out. The CIA currently has three of your friends in custody, and they’re currently on their way to getting a fourth one. 

Hayden: You think I don’t know the CIA is on our asses? That’s why I was on my way to Canada! 

Xavier: But I can help you get your friends back out and ensure the CIA won’t ever be a problem for you again. 

Hayden: Why would you want to help me? 

Xavier: Because I’m hoping that you’ll help me, too. I have reason to believe the CIA reconstructed my leader's spacecraft and currently has it at their headquarters. If I get access to it, I should be able to use it to return home. 

Hayden: Where you can tell all of your alien friends all of the amazing new things you learned about us as your prepare for your next invasion. 

Xavier: Trust me, there won’t be another invasion. What little communication I still have with my home planet convinces me they never want to deal with Earth again. 

Hayden: Sorry if I have trouble believing that, considering you’d say anything with a gun currently in your face! 

Tan: Actually, it’s in my face. 

Hayden: And I’ll shoot you, too, if it means that freak holding you…what was your name, Xander? 

Xavier: Xavier. 

Hayden: If it means Xavier won’t be alive to screw my life up any further! I was happy before all of this alien shit, all of this time travel shit happened, and since then, I’ve been miserable! I’m killing both of you, then I’m getting in my car, I’m driving to Canada, and I’m going to attempt to start a new life! 

Xavier: Then do it. Look your brother in the eyes and kill him 

Hayden: He’s not my brother. 

Tan: Listen, I don’t understand any of what’s going on, but I know this Xavier guy saved my life. I had men in black storm my house one day and put a bag over my face. The bag wasn’t taken off until I was flown to Gitmo and put into my prison cell. After that, it was a week of nothing but torture, pain, being asked questions about things I knew nothing about. I thought I would go crazy, but this guy behind me, he saved me from all that. 

Hayden: That “guy” isn’t even human. 

Tan: Who are we to judge what is human? Xavier thinks and feels like any human, so as far as I’m concerned, he is human. 

Hayden: You sound just like my father...or the guy who says he’s my father. 

Tan: Maybe he really is your father, and maybe I really am your brother. If you shoot us now, you’ll never find out. 

(Hayden looks Tan in his eyes, which were once fearful but are now determined. Hayden moves his finger closer to the trigger, but then he sighs and lowers the gun.) 

Hayden: Fine. You win. Get in the passenger seat. Alien, get in the trunk. The last thing I’d want is somebody seeing you in my car. 

Tan: Where are we headed? 

Hayden: First, I’m getting some shit from my place. Then we’re going to CIA headquarters. If either of you make any sudden moves, I’ll kill you. Got it? 

Tan: Yeah. 

Xavier: (rolls eyes) Yes. 

Hayden. Okay, let’s go. 

Virginia 

(Trophy wakes up in an interrogation room at CIA headquarters.) 

Trophy: I’m getting really sick and tired of waking up in these places. 

Voice: How do you think I feel? 

(Trophy turns around and finds the voice is Brennan’s.) 

Trophy: They got you too? 

Brennan: I was the first one they got. (chuckles) It almost feels like we never left 1966. 

Trophy: Shh! What if they’re recording us? 

Brennan: Calm down, kid. They know about the time travel. It’s why they were so obsessed with rounding us up so quickly. They want to know how it works. 

Trophy: You didn’t tell them anything, did you? 

Brennan: No, it turns out Richard Helms had a sketch of that mole he was looking for in his records, and that sketch looked exactly like me. 

Trophy: Shit. 

Brennan: Yeah. Shit. We’re in a whole lot of it. 

Trophy: Is there any way for us to get out of it? 

Brennan: None that I can think of. The only silver lining to this is we know they can’t kill us until they get what they want, but soon enough, they'll make it so that we'd rather die, and if one person breaks, it’s all over. 

Trophy: So either way, we aren’t coming out of here alive. 

Brennan: Barring a miracle. 

Trophy: Well, the past two years have been nothing but miracles for me, so I’m not too concerned. 

Brennan: I wish I shared your optimism. 

(CIA agents drag CDCB into the building.) 

CDCB: I want to see my lawyer! 

Agent: You don’t get to see your lawyer. 

CDCB: My rights are being trampled on! 

Agent: Shut up. 

(CDCB is thrown into an interrogation room with JCM, who is playing a harmonica.) 

JCM: What are you in for? 

[JCM]

Episode XLVII

New York

(Hayden drives to his house to find Christopher and Liam sitting on his front porch.)

Hayden: What the hell are you guys doing here?

Christopher: We hoped we could change your mind about helping us.

Hayden: Don't bother.

(Hayden opens his trunk to reveal Xavier inside of it.)

Christopher: Oh. And I suppose you know about...

(Hayden opens his passenger door to reveal Tan behind it.)

Hayden: Yep.

Christopher: Well, I'm glad everything's out in the open.

Liam: Wait, I'm lost. Who is that guy?

Christopher: He's the twin brother I was talking about.

Liam: But they look nothing alike!

Christopher: Ever heard of fraternal twins?

Hayden: You guys can have this conversation later. I need to get some stuff out of my house before the CIA gets here.

(Hayden goes into his house and reaches under his couch to pull out a rocket launcher.)

Hayden: Hell yeah!

(Hayden then grabs a sword mounted over his couch and brings the sword and the rocket launcher outside, where Christopher and Liam are watching a video on Liam's phone.)

Liam: Have you seen this?

Hayden: Seen what?

(Liam restarts the video, which features Abney with a reporter.)

Reporter: Do you plan to bring up any legal challenges to the bill allowing the CIA to target the fugitive four again?

Abney: I do not. My days of protecting the fugitive four are over.

Reporter: What brought about this change of heart?

Abney: I'd just like to focus on growing my law firm right now, independent of the controversies I used to get myself involved with.

(Hayden turns the phone off.)

Hayden: I'm ignoring that asshole. There are more pressing matters right now.

Christopher: He would have been a nice ally to have.

(Hayden gets into his car.)

Hayden: Yeah. Would have. Now, are you two coming, or will I have to leave without you?

(Hayden throws the sword and rocket launcher into the box of weapons, which Christopher and Liam then squeeze beside.)

Virginia

(Pompeo walks into the interrogation room containing Trophy and Brennan.)

Pompeo: So, we just finished doing a sweep of that kid's house, and look at what we found!

(Pompeo takes the alien leader's brain chip out of his pocket.)

Pompeo: Know what this is?

Trophy: Never seen it in my life.

Pompeo: Bullshit! After the lengths you went to in order to hide it? We almost didn't find the thing lodged into the frame of that picture you had of Brett Favre on your wall.

Trophy: One of a kind. Never forget.

Pompeo: But we found it, and now it's ours!

Brennan: Congratulations. You want a trophy?

Pompeo: No. (looks at Trophy) We have one of those, too. Explain to me, what was the reasoning behind that screen name?

Trophy: It was originally TrophyStealer, but

Pompeo: Never mind. I don't care! What I really want to know is how Brennan ended up in 1966, and who was in that time with him. I think you were in that time with him, "Trophy", as well the other two members of the fugitive four who had mysteriously been gone the past year. I think you all were gone because you were in a different time period, and this thing in my hands is the reason you were in that different time period!

Trophy: Nice detective work, Sherlock, but do you have any proof to back that theory up?

Pompeo: No, but when I get this thing to send me back in time, it'll be all the proof I need!

Brennan: So why are you even bothering to interrogate us if you're so sure of what happened?

(Pompeo gets close to Brennan's face.)

Pompeo: Because I want to hear it come out of your mouth.

Brennan: You're a lunatic.

(Pompeo slaps Brennan and walks out of the interrogation room, where an agent is waiting for him.)

Agent: Sorry to bother you, sir, but we just got back from Gitmo, and the good news is only one prisoner escaped.

Pompeo: What's the bad news?

Agent: That prisoner is the one you sent over there just last week for plotting to destroy this building.

Pompeo: Shit! Now I have to do a manhunt.

Agent: You'll also need to replace some of Gitmo's staff.

Pompeo: How much of it?

Agent: Like, all of it.

Pompeo: Double shit!

(Haspel walks into the interrogation room containing JCM and CDCB. JCM is playing "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" on his harmonica.)

Haspel: Give me that!

(Haspel takes the harmonica from JCM.)

JCM: Joke's on you. I always come prepared.

(JCM takes another harmonica out of his pocket and starts to play it.)

Haspel: (sighs) Do either of you know anything about time travel?

CDCB: Yeah! I loved Peabody's Improbable History!

Haspel: That's...not what I was talking about. Have either of you time traveled in the past?

CDCB: I don't know, but do you know what a clock does when it's hungry?

Haspel: No.

CDCB: Goes back four seconds! (laughs) There's your time travel!

Haspel: This is pointless.

(Haspel leaves the interrogation room and heads for her office. Pompeo stops her on the way there.)

Pompeo: Learn anything new?

Haspel: No, I didn't learn jack shit, and I still don't believe any of these people are time travelers.

Pompeo: Why not?

Haspel: For one, because time travel is impossible.

Pompeo: I showed you the sketch!

Haspel: And that sketch raises a lot of questions, but I don't think it proves that time travel is real.

Pompeo: If that doesn't, the alien device in my pocket will!

Haspel: And I hope it does. I want to believe you aren't wasting resources on some crazy, dead end lead when our top military prison just got ambushed and public faith in the CIA is at an all-time low.

Pompeo: If I can prove this, it'll change everything, not just for this organization, but for the world. The tragedies that could be prevented. The questions that could finally be answered.

(Pompeo takes the alien leader's brain chip back out of his pocket.)

Pompeo: This could be the key to all that.

(A light on the chip beings to flicker.)

Pompeo: What the hell?

New York

(Xavier, in the trunk of Hayden's car, finally connects his brain chip to that of the alien leader's. Once he realizes that it's in the possession of the CIA, he sets off the self-destruction sequence in it.)

Xavier: (thinking) Sorry, master.

Virginia

(Edgar drives up to the gate surrounding CIA headquarters. He rolls down his window to talk to the guard in front of it.)

Edgar: Hey, can you let me in?

Guard: Sorry, can't do that.

Edgar: Come on! I used to work here, and those assholes have my friends!

Guard: Do you have your credentials with you?

Edgar: Yeah, here.

(Edgar gives the guard a stack of papers.)

Guard: These credentials expired a year ago.

Edgar: Goddamn it! Just let me in, or I swear I'll...

(Suddenly, CIA headquarters explodes. A piece of shrapnel flies through the guard's chest, killing him immediately.)

Edgar: What the fuck?

(Edgar gets out of his car just before it gets destroyed by falling debris. Edgar runs away from the wrecked car and what's left of CIA headquarters, avoiding more debris and covering up his nose with his shirt as ash starts to build up around him. Once he's at a safe distance, he simply drops to his hands and knees and cries, the realization that nobody inside that building is currently alive dawning on him.)

[So Sejima]

Nice detail with the Brett Favre pic, don't remember mentioning it here before but I must've at some point

[JCM]

Episode XLVIII

xat.com/sbcommunity

(ding dong)

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the unofficial SBC Xat. Now are you going to buy something or are you just gonna stand there? 

Abney: Hey guys

Fred: hey traitor

Abney: Oh, come on

Abney: Are you that mad about one sound bite?

Fred: a sound bite that shows you don't give a shit about where four of our members end up?

Fred: yeah, i'm a little pissed about it

Abney: Well, sorry

Abney: And I actually came on to see if any of you have heard from Hayden since our very public spat yesterday

Jjs: I haven't

SOF: me neither

Crushingmayhem: nada

Fred: why do you care so much?

Fred: are you trying to turn him into the cia yourself?

Abney: Of course not

Abney: You know what, nevermind

Abney: If you guys are holding this against me, I doubt I'll be able to talk any sense into him

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the unofficial SBC Xat. Now are you going to buy something or are you just gonna stand there? 

Abney: wha

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the unofficial SBC Xat. Now are you going to buy something or are you just gonna stand there? 

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the unofficial SBC Xat. Now are you going to buy something or are you just gonna stand there? 

Illinois

(Abney refreshes the tab containing Xat, and it changes to a page from his ISP claiming the website doesn't exist.)

Abney: What the hell?

(Abney's phone vibrates, and he turns it on to reveal a breaking news notification about CIA headquarters exploding.)

Abney: Oh, shit!

thesbcommunity.com/forums

 Ninja Time God Rarity: did xat stop working for anyone else?

 Austin Layers: yeah, it crashed for me too

 Wendy the Witch: holy shit guys

 Wendy the Witch: there was just another terrorist attack

 Austin Layers: whoa

 Austin Layers: you're right

 Third Chiro♥: it's close to where cd and cf work too

 Third Chiro♥: I hope they're okay

 Wendy the Witch: I just got another update

 Wendy the Witch: CD and CF were in the building that exploded

 Wendy the Witch: And Trophy

 Wendy the Witch: And I assume Hayden

 Austin Layers: shit

 Austin Layers: the cia rounded them all up quickly

 Austin Layers: and now they're all dead

 Ninja Time God Rarity: this is worst day in sbc history

 Third Chiro♥: can't argue with that

New York

(Hayden is in the middle of a traffic jam.)

Hayden: God, I hate rush hour. You've been quiet for a while, Liam. That isn't like you. Anything on your mind?

Liam: No, not really. Just remembering the good old days. Have you heard from Meg lately?

Hayden: Yeah, she actually messaged me on Facebook shortly after I was acquitted. Told me I deserved everything bad that's happened to me because I keep going on that "shitty chat site". 

Liam: Don't pay her any mind.

Hayden: Is she wrong, though?

Liam: Without Xat, you wouldn't have met any of us.

Hayden: A limey, another limey who thinks he's my father, and an alien. Great company.

Liam: You don't mean that.

Hayden: If you think I don't mean that, you don't know me as well as I thought you did.

Liam: If you're so bored, then turn on your bloody radio. I'd rather listen to the rubbish you Americans pass off as music than your voice right now.

(Hayden turns on his car radio.)

Reporter: ...the worst attack on US soil since 9/11. A building that once housed the Central Intelligence Agency and its officers, now gone, left as nothing but a smoking crater.

Hayden: What?

Christopher: NPR usually isn't on at this hour.

Hayden: That's what you're concerned with?

Christopher: Oh yeah, and the CIA building blew up,

Reporter: People close to the CIA tell us that Director Mike Pompeo and Deputy Director Gina Haspel had just gotten the fugitive four back together in that building for further questioning.

Hayden: Not all of them!

(Hayden pulls over on the side of the road, gets out of the car, and opens the trunk.)

Hayden: Did you have anything to do with this?

Xavier: With what?

Hayden: Don't play dumb, alien prick! Did you blow up CIA headquarters?

Xavier: Oh, that! Yes, I was responsible for the destruction of that building.

Hayden: What? Why? We were just on the way there to get your precious spaceship!

Xavier: The spaceship was deep underground. It likely wasn't affected by the explosion.

Hayden: But you still killed everybody in that building! Including my friends!

Xavier: Calm down. Let me explain all of this from the beginning. Since your friends returned from the past with my leader's brain chip, I've been trying to create a connection between it and my own brain chip. I would have done it before the chip disappeared, but doing such a connection would have only worked if the brain chip was separated from its host's body, and I wasn't sure that my leader was dead until the chip was already gone.

Hayden: What does that have to do with you blowing up a freaking building?

Xavier: I'm getting to that. I was finally able to connect about an Earth hour ago, and I found that the chip was in possession of the CIA. Obviously, I couldn't risk them extracting valuable information from that chip, assuming they hadn't already, so I initiated a self-destruct sequence in the chip.

Hayden: And you didn't feel like telling any of us about it beforehand?

Xavier: it honestly didn't cross my mind.

Hayden: Goddamn it! You said I'd get to save my friends if I helped you! Now what reason do I have to help you now that my friends are dead?

Xavier: They're not dead. The self-destruct sequence in the chip sends any living thing in its vicinity to an alternate dimension first, so we can deal with them later if need be.

Hayden: So...Trophy's alive? CD? CF? They're all alive?

Xavier: Yes.

Hayden: How do I get to them?

Xavier: You'll need to be at the location they disappeared from, in this case, the location CIA headquarters used to be, and then you can just use your chip to send yourself to whatever dimension they're in.

Hayden: Oh, okay...wait a minute! My chip?

Virginia

(Pompeo is still in the middle of the hallway at CIA headquarters, but the chip is no longer in his hands.)

Pompeo: W-where did it go?

Haspel: I think it just exploded.

Pompeo: What?

(An agent runs up to Pompeo with a pale face.)

Agent: Sir, I think you need to see this.

(Pompeo and Haspel follow the agent to the front door, which he then opens, revealing nothing but a white void outside.)

Pompeo: Oh, my God!

Haspel: Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore.

[JCM]

Episode XLIX 

Virginia (Alternate Dimension) 

(JCM is still playing the harmonica in his interrogation room with CDCB. Pompeo runs into the interrogation room, grabs JCM, and pins him to the wall.) 

Pompeo: What the hell did your alien friends just do? 

JCM: I don't know. Have you tried asking my alien friends yourself? 

(Pompeo moves his hands to JCM's neck and starts strangling him.) 

CDCB: Hey! Stop it! 

(CDCB tries to pull Pompeo off JCM, but Pompeo simply kicks CDCB, sending him flying to the opposite wall.) 

Pompeo: Ready to tell me anything now? 

JCM: (weakly) You're a psycho. 

(Pompeo punches JCM in the face.) 

Pompeo: Try again! 

(JCM uses what's left of his might to stab Pompeo in the eye with his harmonica. Pompeo drops JCM and clutches his wounded eye in pain, allowing JCM to scurry out of the interrogation room, where Haspel sees him.) 

Haspel: What are you doing? 

JCM: Your boss has gone a little coco. 

(Suddenly, Pompeo jumps onto JCM and pins him to the ground this time. He pulls a switchblade out of his back pocket.) 

Pompeo: If you think that little instrument of yours can do damage, I'll show you the type of damage this can do! I'll scoop out both of your eyes and feed them to you! You'd like that, huh? 

Haspel: Jesus, Mike! That's not how we do things! 

(Pompeo circles JCM's eyes with his switchblade.) 

Pompeo: We aren't on Earth anymore, so we no longer have to follow Earth's rules. 

JCM: What are you talking about? What do you mean we aren't on Earth anymore? 

(Pompeo picks JCM up with the switchblade to his neck and runs to the door before opening it, showing JCM the white void outside.) 

Pompeo: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE EARTH TO YOU? 

JCM: N-no, it doesn't! Please! I had nothing to do with this! 

Pompeo: But you know somebody who might? 

(JCM avoids eye contact with Pompeo.) 

JCM: No, I don't. 

Pompeo: You're lying! 

(Pompeo turns around and throws JCM back to the ground. He then puts a foot on JCM's neck.) 

Pompeo: Let's see how strong your windpipe is after getting strangled. 

Haspel: You strangled him, too? 

Pompeo: Stay out this, Gina! Don't act like you haven't engaged in some enhanced interrogation yourself! 

Haspel: Against terrorists! Against foreign nationals! Not against US citizens who haven't done shit! 

Pompeo: I'll be the judge of what he's done. 

Haspel: No. 

(Haspel pulls out a gun and trains it on Pompeo's head.) 

Haspel: Your judgement's impaired. Let the boy go now. 

Pompeo: (laughs) You wouldn't shoot your superior! 

Haspel: Like you said, Earth's rules no longer apply. Now let him go! 

Pompeo: Shut up, bitch! (to JCM) Now, you'll tell me what's going on, or I'll end your life with one stomp. 

JCM: I don't know anything! I swear! 

Pompeo: Last words? 

JCM: (crying) Please! Don't do this! 

Pompeo: Too late. 

(Pompeo takes his foot off of JCM's neck, raises his leg high, and starts to bring the foot down again. JCM closes his eyes, bracing for the impact, but instead he hears a gunshot and feels specks of a warm liquid on his face. JCM opens his eyes to find Pompeo, still in mid-stomp, with part of his head now missing.) 

JCM: Hey, I'm not dead! 

(Pompeo falls backwards, spilling his brains onto the carpet. Haspel kneels beside JCM.) 

Haspel: You okay? 

JCM: Yeah. I might need a change of pants, though. 

New York 

(Hayden is still on the side of the road with Xavier.) 

Hayden: How do I have a chip in my brain? 

Xavier: I inserted it while you were sleeping, sometime when you were a child. It's how you're able to understand me. It only works in those who have the genes of my species. 

(Tan gets out of the car.) 

Tan: Does that mean I have a chip in me, too? 

Xavier: Yes. You both have chips in you. 

Hayden: What does this chip do, other than translate alienspeak? 

Xavier: It records your location. It was what allowed me and Tan to track you down so quickly. 

Tan: And it's how you were able to track me down to Gitmo? 

Xavier: Yes and no. I was able to recover you from Guantanamo Bay's detention facility because I had you sent there in the first place. 

Tan: What? 

Xavier: I suppose it's worthless to keep it from you any longer. About an Earth year ago, after I was unable to recover my leader's chip from where I got its signal, I was able to sneak into a CIA van that had come to recover the body of their leader, who I had just killed. The CIA van was connected to the main CIA servers, and using my chip to get into those servers didn’t prove very difficult at all. I planned to use my access to find out what the CIA knew about where my leader was, and it didn’t take me long to find out that he was dead. Since then, I’ve used it to keep track of what the CIA is doing, make sure they aren’t close to finding out where I am and, in some cases, mislead them into going after wrong leads. 

Tan: Is that what I am? A wrong lead? 

Xavier: Yes. I put fabricated evidence of your exploits into the CIA’s servers. 

(Christopher and Liam, who don’t understand Xavier, are watching them from inside the car.) 

Liam: This conversation looks intense. 

(Tan returns to the car, sitting in the passenger seat with an irritated look.) 

Christopher: Are you okay? 

Tan: Hell no, I’m not okay. 

(Hayden prepares to close the trunk on Xavier again, but he stops.) 

Hayden: If I find out you’re keeping any more secrets from us, I’ll empty every round of every gun I have into you. Understand? 

(Xavier nods, and Hayden closes the trunk before getting back into the car.) 

Christopher: So, I guess neither of you will tell us what that alien told you? 

(Hayden starts the car and gets back into the street without saying anything.) 

Virginia (Our Dimension) 

(CFs dad is laying in his prison cell, eyes red from crying. A prison officer walks up to the cell and unlocks it.) 

Officer: You have a visitor. 

CF’s dad: (surprised) What? 

(The officer takes CF's dad to the visiting area, where Edgar is waiting on the opposite side of a glass screen.) 

CF’s dad: Who the hell are you? 

Edgar: I…worked with your daughter. 

CF’s dad: And let me guess, you blame me for her death? Well, I’ll let you know that I always did whatever possible to keep her out of harm’s way! I never wanted this! I…loved my daughter. 

Edgar: I know. I loved her, too. 

(CF’s dad and Edgar sit in silence until several minutes later when the officer returns to take CF’s dad back to his cell.) 

Officer: Who was that guy? 

CF’s dad: Just a friend. 

Officer: Didn’t know you had many of those left. 

CF’s dad: Yeah. Me, neither. 

 

[SpongeOddFan]

grand finale of XTT is gonna be great...

[JCM]

Episode L

Virginia (Alternate Dimension)

 (CF is sitting in her own interrogation room. Haspel walks in.)

Haspel: You’re free to go.

CF: What brought about the change of heart?

Haspel: See for yourself.

(CF and Haspel walk to Haspel’s office, and Haspel opens the blinds on her window, revealing the emptiness outside.)

CF: That can’t be.

(CF opens the window and sticks out her head, seeing nothing but more emptiness around her.)

CF: How am I still breathing?

Haspel: I guess one of the things this world does have is air.

CF: We’re on another planet?

Haspel: That’s my theory. I honestly have no idea where we are, or even if we’re still alive. Hopefully, your friends figured something out.

CF: The others are here?

Haspel: Yeah. Come on.

(CF and Haspel leave the office and walk into the laboratory, where Trophy, Brennan, and CDCB are behind JCM, who’s sitting at a computer.)

JCM: Nothing works here, which is weird, because I was able to chat with you just fine.

Trophy: Maybe this is a different dimension.

Haspel: Different dimension?

(JCM and Trophy turn around, noticing Haspel in the laboratory with them for the first time.)

JCM: (nervous) Hi, Gina! Did you do something with your hair?

Haspel: Talk. Now.

JCM: Okay, we might have done a bit of dimension hopping before, and the dimension we hopped to might have looked a little something like this one.

Haspel: Define “a little something like”.

JCM: Exactly like this one. On the outside, at least. We don’t know who sent us to this dimension, though.

Haspel: Do you know how to get back?

Trophy: Not without that tiny computer chip Pompeo had.

Haspel: That could be in its own dimension for all we know.

JCM: Then I guess we’re stuck here.

Virginia (Our Dimension)

(Hayden is driving towards what’s left of CIA headquarters. There’s yellow tape surrounding it and police officers everywhere. A police car stops in front of Hayden’s, and an officer walks out of the car with his gun drawn.)

Officer: Whoever you are, come out!

(Hayden steps out of his car and raises his hands high in the air.)

Officer: So, at least one of you survived. Who else is in there?

(Tan, Christopher, and Liam walk out of the car, each with their hands raised.)

Officer: No fugitives there. Let’s see what’s in here.

(The officer reaches into Hayden’s backseat and pulls out his box of weapons.)

Officer: This doesn’t look very legal. Got an explanation?

Hayden: Man’s gotta defend himself.

Officer: Try defending yourself in court.

(The officer takes out a walkie talkie.)

Officer: I’ll need some help over here.

Second officer: (on walkie-talkie) 10-4.

(The second officer walks up to the first officer, who then hands the second officer the box of weapons.)

First officer: Now, let’s see what’s in your trunk.

Hayden: I wouldn’t recommend going in there.

First officer: That wasn’t a request. Reach slowly into your pocket, pull out your keys, and unlock your damn trunk.

Hayden: Am I under arrest?

First officer: Hell yeah, you’re under arrest! You have the right to remain silent, and the right to unlock this trunk before I put a bullet in your head!

(Hayden sighs, takes out his keys, and unlocks the trunk. Xavier immediately jumps out of the trunk and kills the officer. The second officer panics, drops the box of weapons, and pulls out his own gun, but before he can do anything, Xavier shoots him in the face with the first officer’s gun. Alerted by the gunshot, the other police officers swarm the car, and Hayden, Tan, Christopher, and Liam duck under the car, which is now being riddled with bullets. Xavier jumps into the box of weapons and comes back out with a pair of machine guns.)

Liam: Blimey! Where did you get weapons like that, Hayden?

Hayden: I have my ways.

(Xavier avoids gunfire as he wraps the first and second officers’ bodies around him, then he jumps over the car and easily dispatches of the policemen shooting at him. Hayden and the others crawl back out from under the car.)

Hayden: Well, I was worried about getting arrested, but now I might get the death penalty.

Xavier: Just focus on saving your friends.

Hayden: How exactly am I supposed to do that?

Xavier: With your chip.

Hayden: (sarcastic) Oh right, my chip! The one I never knew was even up there, much less used to travel to alternate dimensions before!

Xavier: It’s simple. Just stand where the building used to be located, and imagine you’re inside the building. Recall every sight, scent, sound, taste, and touch, and before long, you’ll be there.

(Hayden walks to the bottom of a large crater, closes his eyes, and remembers everything he can about the CIA building. He remembers his first time waking up in the interrogation room and being questioned by CDCB and CF. He remembers his second time waking up in that room with Trophy and with a throbbing pain in his left leg. He feels the pain again. He believes he’s in the interrogation room again. He opens his eyes to find that he is in that room again.)

Virginia (Alternate Dimension)

Hayden: Holy shit! It worked!

(Hayden runs to the door of the room and tries to open it, but it’s locked.)

Hayden: (bangs on the door) JCM! Trophy! It’s me!

(JCM and Trophy are still in the laboratory.)

JCM: Hey, Trophy, did you hear something?

Trophy: No.

(Hayden sits down in the interrogation room and sighs.)

Hayden: Screw it.

(Hayden closes his eyes again, disappears, and reappears a few minutes later with the rocket launcher.)

Hayden: At least I can finally use this.

(Hayden shoots a rocket at the door, causing an explosion that everybody in the laboratory can hear. As they walk out of the laboratory, Hayden walks out of the interrogation room, covered in ash.)

Trophy: Hayden? How the hell did you get over here?

Hayden: I’ll explain that later. For now, you all need to lock hands with me.

Haspel: What? How do we know this isn’t a trick?

Hayden: Unless you want to stay in this dimension forever, you’ll have to trust me.

(Haspel sighs and holds CF’s hand, who’s already holding Trophy’s hand, who’s connected to the same ring of hands as Hayden, who then closes his eyes and reopens them seconds later, back in his own dimension.)

Virginia (Our Dimension)

(Everybody crawls out of the crater, where Christopher, Liam, and Tan are waiting for them.)

Liam: How was the rocket launcher?

Hayden: Awesome.

Haspel: I still have trouble believing any of this.

Brennan: You’ll get used to it.

(Xavier pops out of the ground, and Haspel immediately points a gun at him.)

Hayden: Whoa! Don’t shoot him!

Haspel: Are you crazy?

Hayden: I told you to trust me once. Trust me again. You wouldn’t be back in this dimension without him.

Haspel: Whose fault is it that I was in that dimension in the first place?

Xavier: Do I need to take care of her?

Hayden: No. Just leave him alone. He won’t be a problem for much longer.

Haspel: I hope you mean that.

(Haspel holsters her gun and walks away.)

Xavier: I just checked the elevator. It still works. You guys ready?

Hayden: Yeah.

Tan: Yeah.

(Hayden, Tan, and Xavier drop into the hole Xavier made, and they end up in an elevator cab. Xavier presses the button that sends them to the bottom floor, and they walk down the hallway to the door with the fingerprint scanner beside it. Xavier rips off the fingerprint scanner and connects the broken wires to his head. The door opens a few seconds later.)

Tan: You’ve gotta teach me how to do that.

Xavier: That’s actually why I brought you two down with me. Though our species is a proud race, I admit I made some mistakes, and I’m sorry.

Tan: But why? Why subject me to all of that?

Xavier: I needed you on my side. Plus, if all of this didn’t work, I would at least be able to embarrass the CIA with the footage I recorded from your chip.

Tan: What footage?

Xavier: Check your email when you get home.

Hayden: What was that you were saying about the reason you brought us here with you?

Xavier: Oh, right.

(Xavier leads Hayden and Tan into the leader’s spaceship. He feels around the spaceship until he finds a hidden door, which he then opens, pulling out two small devices that resemble wireless earbuds.)

Xavier: Put these in your ears every night, and you’ll soon know everything there is to know about our species, our culture, and our technologies, including your brain chips.

Tan: You trust our alien sides more than our human sides?

Xavier: I trust your alien sides to keep your human sides in check. Goodbye. Perhaps we’ll meet again.

(Hayden and Tan leave the spaceship, walk down the hallway, and get back into the elevator. Hayden presses the highest button on the elevator, and they’re quiet for several moments as the elevator goes up. Tan breaks the silence.)

Tan: What do you do when everything you thought you knew about the world is wrong? When everything you thought you knew about yourself is wrong?

(Hayden thinks about the last year, the last two years, then shrugs.)

Hayden: I don't know.

(Hayden and Tan crawl out of the hole Xavier made and find police cars all around them. The chief of police walks out of one of the police cars.)

Chief of police: That’s the last of ‘em, boys!

(More police officers come out of their cars to handcuff Hayden and Tan, and Haspel comes out of the car the chief of police was in to watch them. Suddenly, the ground starts to shake.)

Chief of police: What the hell?

(The leader’s spaceship flies out from under where Hayden and Tan came out, sending Hayden, Tan, and the officers apprehending them to the ground.)

Chief of police: Shoot that spacecraft!

(Officers follow the chief’s orders, but they’re unable to do much damage before the spaceship accelerates and disappears into the sky.)

Chief of police: Goddamn it! The alien got away!

Haspel: You did everything you could, sir.

Chief of police: Thanks, Deputy Director Haspel.

Haspel: Make that Director Haspel.

Chief of police: Oh, Pompeo didn’t survive the explosion?

Haspel: The only one, unfortunately.

Chief of police: A shame. Well, let’s take these pieces of shit to the station and see what we’ll do from there.

(The chief of police and Haspel get into the chief’s car and drive away.)

Haspel: (to herself) Politics. Just politics.

(6/18/17)

Virginia

(Hayden is sitting in a jail cell when a prison officer opens the door.)

Officer: You’re free to go.

Hayden: Huh?

(Hayden walks to the front of the station to find Abney waiting for him.)

Hayden: God, I’d rather go to prison than get saved by you again.

Abney: (looks down) I deserve that.

Hayden: No “you’re welcome”?

Abney: No. I’m just glad you’re all right.

(Abney and Hayden walk out of the police station.)

Abney: Someone who says he’s your brother gave me his email information, and I found a very interesting video featuring our newest CIA director. Once I showed it to her, it was easy to pull the strings for your release. You won’t have to worry about the CIA on your ass ever again.

Hayden: Well, thanks, I guess.

Abney: (smiles) You’re welcome.

(As Abney drives Hayden to the train station, Hayden dials a number on his cell phone.)

Christopher: (on the cell phone) Hello?

Hayden: Hey, Christopher. Do you still have control of Xat’s domain name?

(6/25/17)

xat.com/sbcommunity

Jjs: this new xat is really cool

hilaryfan80: And it's all-HTML

hilaryfan80: Good riddance stupid, glitchy flash-based Xat

(ding dong)

Hayden: miss me? 

SG: no

Hayden: oh!

Hayden: SG!

Hayden: I see you took a break from studying to come to xat's grand reopening

JCM: leave her alone hay

Hayden: it's all in good fun

SOF: why is hay not in jail again?

Omair: why isn't hay dead again?

Omair: i had an awesome eulogy planned and everything

Hayden: there is no jail and no grave strong enough to hold me

Abney: I thought I was arrogant

Trophy: alright, guys

Trophy: enough nonsense

Trophy: let's be serious for once

Trophy: there's been a lot of changes and weirdness over the last few years

Trophy: but we haven't let it change us

Trophy: and that's all that matters

Jjs: at least things can't get any weirder

Jjs: right?

 CNF: welp American Dad's last episode on FOX is on

 CNF: lmfao the continuation of the Golden Turd arc

Trophy: ...

Trophy: right

[Hayden]

That last line is foreshadowing XTT s5. 

I guess CF's father staying ignorant of his daughter being alive is best. No further alien questions exist.

Unless there's a spinoff where I hone and master my alien side.

Thanks for 4 special years. Time flies when you're on Xat every day.