Xat Time Travelers

[JCM]

Episode 17

Virginia

(Hayden is sleeping in the back of CDCB's car as it reaches CIA headquarters. CDCB shakes Hayden's shoulder, but he keeps his eyes closed.)

Hayden: Not now, mom.

CDCB: I ain't yo ma!

Hayden: (opens eyes) What? Oh, it's you.

CDCB: Good morning to you too, Hay.

Hayden: Looks more like night than morning to me.

CDCB: One in the morning. Still counts.

Hayden: Ugh. You're going to interrogate me this late?

CDCB: No, I'll let you catch up on your beauty sleep, but as soon as you wake up, you're ours.

Hayden: That sounds lovely.

(Five hours later, Hayden wakes up in a dark room.)

Hayden: Hello?

(The lights turn on, revealing that CDCB and CF are in the room with him.)

CDCB: Hello.

(Hayden looks down and finds himself handcuffed to a table.)

Hayden: Took all the precautions, didn't you?

CDCB: We wanted to prevent you from doing something stupid.

Hayden: You don't have to worry about me. Like you said, I'm yours now.

CDCB: Indeed. So let's start. What was your relationship with the aliens?

Hayden: They babysat my kids whenever I went out. Such a shame they went rogue.

CDCB: Do you think this is some kind of joke?

Hayden: Well, you're involved with it, aren't you?

(CDCB slams his fists on the table.)

CDCB: We can do this all day if we have to!

CF: Actually, I have other things to do.

CDCB: All day!

CF: Okay. All day, then.

Hayden: Someone sounds a little grumpy. Maybe you need a beauty nap of your own.

CDCB: I've been up for days interrogating people. Do you think you're special? Well, you're not. I'll eat you up and spit you right back out.

Hayden: That's disturbing.

CF: Please, Hayden, what are you trying to prove?

Hayden: I'm sorry if I don't like being forced to travel 300 miles to sit here handcuffed to a table!

CDCB: You want the handcuffs off?

(CDCB takes out a key and unlocks the handcuffs.)

CDCB: There! They're off!

Hayden: Thank you.

(Hayden flips the table over and sprints out the room. CDCB and CF run after Hayden.)

CDCB: I knew he'd do something stupid.

(CDCB pulls out a gun and shoots Hayden in the leg. Hayden falls to the ground and quickly passes out. When he regains consciousness, he's back in the room, but this time, there's a younger boy sitting across from him.)

Hayden: Who are you?

Boy: I'm Trophy.

Hayden: Sure you are.

Trophy: Listen, I don't care whether or not you believe me, but you need to get your shit together. These guys won't let me leave until they get your account of what happened.

Hayden: Then I guess we'll both be spending a lot of time here.

Trophy: Hayden, come on.

Hayden: No! I'm tired of being manipulated. I've just freed myself of the aliens' control. I'll be damned if I let anybody else control me from now on.

Trophy: I know you're scared.

Hayden: I'm not scared. The CIA can kill me for all I care. I'm not telling them anything.

(CDCB and CF are watching from a one-way mirror.)

CDCB: I know this wouldn't work.

CF: Let's give him some time.

CDCB: (pauses) Why did I do it, CF? Why did I shoot him?

CF: I already told you. You didn't have a choice.

CDCB: Yeah, I did. I've known Hayden longer than I've known anybody here. I'm starting to let the CIA take over my personality.

CF: Man, you really need some sleep.

CDCB: What if we showed Hay that hologram thing we showed Trophy?

CF: Where is it, anyway?

CDCB: Last I remember, Director Brennan had it.

CF: Think you can stay awake long enough to watch them while I'm gone?

CDCB: Sure.

(CF goes to John Brennan's office.)

CF: Director Brennan, what did you do with that alien device you had?

Brennan: I found out it controlled that online chatroom the aliens ran, so I sent to the lab for inspection to make sure I didn't miss anything before I shut it down

CF: Oh, okay.

(CF starts to leave, but then she turns around.)

CF: Wait, what did you say you were going to shut down?

Brennan: That online chatroom. Xat, I think its name was.

CF: Why are you shutting it down?

Brennan: Because who knows what type of information it could be sending back to the aliens' home planet? Leaving that site running would be too much of a risk.

CF: But so many people love it!

Brennan: It's not up for debate! Making these types of decisions is my job, so how about you go back to doing yours?

CF: (lowers head) Yes, sir.

(CF returns to CDCB at the one-way mirror.)

CF: Any progress?

CDCB: Nope. Where's the hologram?

CF: In the lab. It apparently gives you some kind of server access to Xat, so Brennan wants to use it to shut Xat down after it's finished being analyzed.

CDCB: What? That does it. I'm tired of living by the CIA's rules. I have so many memories on Xat. We have so many memories on Xat.

CF: What are we supposed to do?

CDCB: We take it back.

CF: How?

CDCB: (thinks) Doesn't the head lab technician have a major crush on you?

(CF sighs.)

CDCB: Listen, I know it's asking a lot, but

CF: I'll do it.

CDCB: Thanks.

(Inside the CIA laboratory, the head lab technician is scrolling through the hologram being emitted from the alien's computer chip. CF walks in and taps the lab technician on the shoulder.)

Lab technician: (turns around) Oh! Uh, hi!

CF: Hi. Whatcha doing?

Lab technician: I'm, uh, just going through the logs of this sbcommunity directory. There was a huge list of directories just like this one, and the sbcommunity directory was highlighted.

CF: What have you found out so far?

Lab technician: Just that our newest guest talked to the alien leader right before we killed it. I've only gotten through the last few weeks of logs, but once I get to the day of the alien invasion, I think I'll learn a lot.

CF: Can I borrow that first? I think it'll really help our interrogation.

Lab technician: I don't know...

(CF touches the lab technician on the shoulder again.)

CF: Please?

(CF walks back to the one-way mirror with the computer chip in her pocket.)

CF: Alright, I have it. Now what?

CDCB: Now we get the hell out of here.

(CDCB walks into the room Hayden and Trophy are in.)

CDCB: Good news, guys! You both can go home now!

Trophy: But Hayden isn't talking.

CDCB: Doesn't matter. We've held onto both of you long enough.

Hayden: Hey, thanks for shooting me, prick.

CDCB: I'm sorry. I really am.

(CDCB, CF, Hayden, and Trophy walk up to a car.)

CF: I'll drive, CD. You catch up on your sleep.

CDCB: I'm not tired in the slightest!

(CDCB gets into the passenger seat, and he immediately falls asleep.)

Trophy: Are you sure nothing else is going on?

CF: (looks at CDCB) I'm sure.

(CF gets into the driver's seat, and Hayden and Trophy get into the back seat. After a few minutes of driving, CF feels her cellphone vibrate in her pocket. She picks it up.)

Brennan: (on the phone) What do you think you're doing?

CF: I'm sorry, Mr. Brennan, but we can't let you shut Xat down.

Trophy: What did you say about Xat getting shut down?

Brennan: (on the phone) Jesus Christ, you have the fugitives with you, too? I want you back here by the end of today, or I'll have you both charged with treason!

CF: Goodbye, Mr. Brennan.

(CF throws her phone out of the car.)

Trophy: We have a lot to talk about, don't we?

CF: Yeah, we do.

Hayden: You're not taking us back home, are you?

CF: (shakes head) No, I'm not.

Hayden: (turns to Trophy) And you're actually Trophy, aren't you?

Trophy: Uh, duh.

Hayden: This is going to be a long ride.

[JCM]

 

Episode 18

Virginia

(John Brennan storms into the CIA laboratory.)

Lab technician: I am so, so sorry.

Brennan: Save it. Is there another way to take down the website those aliens made?

Lab technician: Well, I can perform a denial-of-service attack on it, but it'll use up a lot of resources.

Brennan: (nods) Do it. I'm going to focus on finding our fugitives.

Lab technician: Yes, sir.

(Breanan leaves, and the lab technician sighs.)

Lab technician: I hope she's okay.

Tennessee

(One day after leaving CIA headquarters, CF, wearing a wig and sunglasses, walks into a hotel room, where Hayden and Trophy are watching television.)

CF: I got you two your burner phones. Only use them to contact one another, me, or CD.

Hayden: I wish we didn't have to throw away our old phones, though. I had a lot of important stuff on it.

CF: As long as we're on the run, we can't have anything that can lead the CIA to us.

Trophy: What about the alien device?

CF: There wasn't anything added to it that would let the CIA track it. They really dropped the ball on that one, but I doubt they expected it'd be out of their hands so quickly.

Hayden: Ooh, we're on TV!

(Hayden points to the television screen, which has photos of CDCB, CF, Trophy, and Hayden with their real names under them. It cuts to a news reporter.)

News reporter: Harry Ballmer, son of recently-deceased CEO of Ballmart, Sam Ballmer, has this to say about the fugitives.

Hayden: (scratches head) Sam Ballmer? Where have I heard that name before?

Trophy: It's Chief!

CF: Chief? You didn't mention a "Chief" during your interrogation.

Trophy: Well, uh...

(Trophy turns up the volume of the television screen, which now has Harry Ballmer talking to a group of reporters.)

Harry Ballmer: He had the names "Hayden" and "Trophy" written on a sticky note on his computer. I didn't know what it meant until today when I found out they were the online identities of two of the fugitives. Seeing that alien site in his web history made only more certain that they killed him.

Hayden: Killed him?

Harry Ballmer: Please. Anyone with information about the fugitives needs to come forward so I can finally have justice for my family.

(CF turns the television off.)

Trophy: We didn't kill Chief! The aliens killed him!

CF: Doesn't matter. The media will use every opportunity to paint you two as murderers to turn the public even more against us.

Trophy: This isn't fair.

CF: It's what we have to deal with.

(A knock is heard on the door.)

CF: (whispering) Quickly! Put on your disguises!

(Hayden and Trophy put their wigs and sunglasses on.)

CF: Who is it?

Voice: Cleaning lady.

CF: Come in!

(A woman walks into the hotel room and replaces the bedsheets, ignoring the people with wigs and sunglasses around her. A few minutes later, she departs, and Hayden and Trophy take off their wigs.)

Hayden: Wait, isn't today Friday?

CF: Yeah.

Hayden: Shit! The SBC Music Party is today!

CF: No way. The CIA's probably linked us to SBC already. It'd be too dangerous to go on there.

Hayden: Come on. It's just for one night.

CF: One night is all it can take to ruin all of our lives forever.

Hayden: As if our lives aren't ruined already. Why did that alien choose me? Out of the billions of the people on this planet, why did it have to be me?

CF: I don't know. Sometimes things just happen and you have to deal with them. But you can't go on SBC. You promise?

Hayden: (sighs) I promise.

(Trophy turns the television back on and changes the channel to Nickelodeon.)

Trophy: Rabbids Invasion? That's still on?

CF: Hey, I like Rabbids. Those little bunnies are so cute.

Trophy: Well, you're entitled to your opinion, I guess.

(Another knock is heard. Hayden and Trophy reach for their wigs before stopping when they hear the voice.)

Voice: It's CD!

CF: Oh!

(CF opens the door, and CDCB walks in with pizza.)

CDCB: Who's hungry?

Trophy: I am!

(CDCB puts the pizza on a counter, and everybody takes a slice.)

Hayden: So, where are we going from here?

CF: Texas. It'll be somewhere remote, somewhere people won't be able to easily find us.

Trophy: How long will we be staying there?

CF: As long we have to. I don't think this will be blowing over anytime soon, though.

(Later that night, Hayden sneaks into a room filled with computers. He sits in front of one, opens the web browser, and types in SBC's address.)

thesbcommunity.com/music

There are 9 participants.

Hayden has joined!

Users online: jjsthekid, Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, JCM, Fred, Halibut, Wumbo, Clappy, WhoBob, Cha

JCM: Hayden?

JCM: What are you doing here?

Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick is now playing:

JCM: goddangit hilaryfan80

Hayden: Why wouldn't I come here?

Hayden: I said I would

JCM: Yeah, but that was before you became a wanted fugitive

Hayden: Eh, I've gotten through worse

Fred: Do you know Xat's down?

Hayden: What?

Hayden: How long has it been down?

Fred: About a day

Fred: It's also run by aliens apparently

Hayden: I had no idea

JCM: Stop acting dumb Hayden

JCM: Everybody knows you worked with the aliens now

JCM: And you might have killed someone

Hayden: I didn't kill anybody

JCM: I believe you

JCM: But people who don't know you as well might not be as inclined to do so

Hayden: Well they don't know me

JCM: You really shouldn't be on here Hay

Hayden: What, are you afraid of the competition?

Halibut: Ooh

Halibut: Sick burn

JCM: That wasn't sick nor a burn

JCM: If you want to stay on, fine

JCM: But prepare to get your butt kicked

Karen: The previous song received 3 likes.

jjs: hilaryfan80 is currently in the lead

JCM: That won't be the case for long

JCM is now playing:

Song was skipped!

JCM: Y'all suck man

Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick: If it makes you feel better, I liked it ;_;

JCM: It doesn't

Hayden: Now it's on

[JCM]

Episode 19

Tennessee

(CF wakes up a little after 9 PM. She looks at the bed across from her and someone seems to be under the covers. CDCB and Trophy are in sleeping bags between the two beds. CF reaches into her pocket and takes out the computer chip.)

CF: (whispering) Troph? Hay? CD?

(After a minute with no answer, CF presses the button on the computer chip that makes the hologram appear. sbcommunity's logs are still on it.)

CF: Let's see what's going on here.

thesbcommunity.com/music

Karen: The previous song received 13 likes.

JCM: I friggin' hate you Clappy.

Clappy: Come at me bro.

jjs: Clappy is currently in the lead, and barring anything major, he'll probably keep it.

JCM: I can still win this.

jjs: Only ten minutes left.

JCM: This next song better not be long.

Halibut is now playing:

JCM: WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON SKIPPING THIS

Calvin: I like this song.

JCM: YOU HAVE BAD TASTE

JCM: oh god i'm starting to sound like hayden

Hayden: I don't even care about winning anymore.

Hayden: This place is lame.

JCM: Then why'd you come on?

Hayden: I dunno.

Hayden: I guess it was better than sitting around waiting to get captured.

WhoBob: What do you think the CIA will do to you once they catch you?

JCM: They're not going to catch you.

JCM: Though you certainly haven't helped yourself coming on music during the busiest night of the year.

There are 15 participants.

Milkmaidman has joined!

JCM: Holy crap.

JCM: MMM, is it really you?

Milkmaidman: Yeah.

JCM: Everybody's coming back tonight, man.

70s: I'm the only other person here who hasn't been on for a while.

JCM: who are you again

Wumbo: Don't you remember?

Wumbo: That's Calvin Reynolds.

There are 14 participants.

70s has left!

JCM: You had to go there.

Wumbo: I regret nothing.

Hayden: I guess I'll be going, too.

Hayden: Nice to see you all again.

Hayden: Don't know when, or if, I'll be back.

JCM: Hope you're back soon.

JCM: And I'm not being sarcastic for once.

jjs: Aww, you'll miss our last Camp SBC event.

JCM: i was just kidding i was totally being sarcastic please don't come back

Hayden: Sorry, jj, but not even the promise of glory can't make me change my mind.

JCM: I'm good with that.

JCM: Safe travels, Hay!

There are 13 participants.

Hayden has left!

Milkmaidman: Did I miss something?

JCM: Hayden's wanted by the CIA now.

JCM: Nothing big.

Milkmaidman: Ookay.

JCM: So, Halibut, how about you do me a favor and skip this song?

Halibut: No can do.

JCM: I hate everyone.

Tennessee

(Hayden tiptoes into the hotel room to find CF scrolling through the computer chip's hologram.)

Hayden: Shit!

CF: (gasps) Hayden?

(CF turns the hologram off and pulls the covers back on the bed across from her, revealing nothing but a bunch of pillows.)

CF: What the hell did you just do?

Hayden: I couldn't sleep, so I just...went for a walk in the hallway.

CF: You're lying.

Hayden: No I'm not?

CF: I've been trained to tell when people are lying, and you're lying your freakin' ass off right now! And that's not the only thing you're hiding.

(Trophy gets up.)

Trophy: Is it morning already?

CF: Trophy, why didn't you mention Xat can time travel?

Trophy: (shifty eyed) Xat can time travel?

CF: I saw it in the logs. You went back in time, purchased some lottery tickets, and that Chief guy went after you before getting conveniently dismembered.

Hayden: But we didn't do it!

CF: So Xat can time travel!

CDCB: (with eyes closed) Why is everybody yelling!

(Everybody stares at CDCB.)

CDCB: (opens eyes) Oh, hey guys.

CF: Why didn't you mention any of this during your interrogation, Troph?

Trophy: Because it's ridiculous! I hardly believe it myself!

CDCB: What was that about time travel?

CF: It's Xat. It can be used to travel back in time somehow.

CDCB: Oh, sweet! I can record all the retro cartoons I want doing that!

Trophy: It only goes back a year.

CDCB: Shit.

Hayden: What exactly did you tell them while you were being interrogated?

Trophy: I told them about Lizard Squad, /nuke, the original owner, basically everything that didn't have to do with time travel.

CF: Since the time travel set everything in motion, that would have been very important to know.

Trophy: I'm sorry, okay? Ever since we learned about the time travel, it's only gone downhill. I feel like I'm the entire 76ers organization, but as a person!

CDCB: I don't know what that means, but that sounds terrible!

Trophy: It is!

CF: Listen, Trophy. Everything will be okay. But you have to trust us. No more keeping secrets from us, okay?

Trophy: Okay.

CF: You too, Hayden.

Hayden: What did I do?

CF: You know what you did. Now, let's go back to sleep. We'll have to wake up early tomorrow morning.

(7/4/16)

xat.com/sbcommunity

 JCM: Happy Fourth of July, everybody!

(ding dong)

 JCM: CD?

 CDCB: They're gone

 CDCB: Trophy, CF, and Hayden

 CDCB: They're all gone

[JCM]

Episode 20

 JCM: gone?

 JCM: you mean like gone gone?

 CDCB: Gone gone?

 JCM: are they dead?

 CDCB: No, they were just taken away

 jjs: Aw, that sucks, man

 jjs: Do you know who did it?

 CDCB: He said he was with CF's father

 JCM: why would cf's dad of all people want to kidnap them?

 CDCB: Mr. F has been sending us money for the past year

 JCM: heh heh

 JCM: Mr. F

 JCM: i'm sorry i'm immature please continue

 CDCB: It was CF's idea to go to you-know-who for help

 CDCB: He runs some sort of criminal organization, so he can shield his money from the FBI and CIA

 CDCB: Our assets were frozen almost as soon as we went on the run, so we didn't really have a choice

 SOF: why does the govt want you so bad anyways?

 JCM: yeah, all they've been saying is that you and cf helped a pair of "alien sympathizers" escape from cia headquarters

 JCM: why were you two in cia headquarters in the first place?

 CDCB: they haven't mentioned it by now?

 CDCB: we work there

 CDCB: well, worked there

 jjs: holy shit

 CDCB: my shit is holy 

 CDCB: sorry

 CDCB: couldn't resist the opportunity to make a bad joke

 JCM: you're forgiven

 JCM: why are you coming on here now of all days, though?

 CDCB: I don't know

 CDCB: I just wanted someone to talk to

 CDCB: I was upstairs while my friends were getting kidnapped

 CDCB: I could have done something but I didn't 

 CDCB: I feel like a coward

 JCM: you're not a coward

 JCM: I would have done what you did if I was in your situation

 CDCB: Yeah, but you're kind of a coward too

 JCM: That's a fair point

 JCM: But look on the bright side

 JCM: If CF's dad is the one doing the kidnapping, that means she probably won't die

 CDCB: But what about Hay and Troph?

 JCM: They've been really good at staying alive so far

 JCM: Let's hope that streak continues

(ding dong)

 hilaryfan80: SBC has been hacked

 jjs: What?

 JCM: one bombshell at a time please

 hilaryfan80: A new user came on and tried to use an IPB exploit to grant himself access to the ACP

 hilaryfan80: Fortunately, I caught it in time and redirected his ACP link to a helping of tentacle porn

 SOF: jcm thats gross

 JCM: oh come on

 JCM: i didn't even say it

 jjs: Do you know if that new user is a storm alt or something?

 hilaryfan80:The IP's Russian but I'm pretty sure he's using a proxy

 hilaryfan80: I'll investigate this further

 JCM: man we almost went a whole year without something crazy happening

 JCM: now we have two in one day

 CDCB: I wish my return could have come with less bad news

 CDCB: I didn't even know Xat was back up until today

 JCM: it's been back up since march

 CDCB: Whoa

 CDCB: We've done a really good job of isolating ourselves from the world, then

 CDCB: Of course it took me forever just to convince CF to let me buy this laptop so I could watch my rips of old preschool shows

 CDCB: If she saw me visit Xat on this she'd kill me

 Bubble Buddy: Hello one and all!

 CDCB: wtf

 JCM: oh that's bubble buddy

 JCM: he does that

 hilaryfan80: holy shit

 CDCB: Resisting the urge

 hilaryfan80: Somebody hacked SBM, too, but they weren't able to stop him in time

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 hilaryfan80: SBM is a total mess

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 JCM: someone should put a muzzle on that thing

 Bubble Buddy: someone should put a muzzle on that duck

 JCM: that duck is cool screw you

 Bubble Buddy: there was plenty of screwing when i was with your mother last night 

 JCM: can i ban him

 hilaryfan80: no then i can't play with him

 hilaryfan80: !love JCM & power abuse

 Bubble Buddy: Love test: JCM and power abuse are 11% compatible.

 JCM: bubble buddy sure doesn't know me

(ding dong)

 jjs: yomair

 JCM: hey evil

 Omair: whos evil

 JCM: hey omair

 Omair: hey jcm

 hilaryfan80: Omair <3

 Omair: hey bae

 Omair: whats going on with sbm

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 hilaryfan80: It was hacked

 hilaryfan80: I'm talking with ssj about it right now

 Bubble Buddy: ugh must we bring up that no good admin?!

 CDCB: Bubble Buddy's being a dick

 JCM: You're only noticing it now?

 hilaryfan80: It was definitely the same person who hacked us

 Omair: what kind of hacker would target spongebob forums

 JCM: one who gets bored a lot

 JCM: wait a minute

 JCM: has anyone been on sc recently?

 jjs: I know you haven't

 JCM: yeah but i'm getting the feeling the answers to our questions might be there

 hilaryfan80: JCM is right

 hilaryfan80: The Historic Spongecraftia sign has been changed

 hilaryfan80: It now says "Lizard Squad was here >:D"

[JCM]

Episode 21

Texas

(Trophy, Hayden, and CF are sitting in a dark warehouse.)

Trophy: Do you think he's going to kill us?

CF: I don't know why he would.

Hayden: Maybe he got tired of us mooching off of him.

CF: I doubt it. I practically had to beg him to stop sending me money after I started at the CIA. When I said I needed financial help again, he was almost relieved.

Trophy: Why didn't you ever tell us your dad was a gangster?

CF: It's not exactly something that I'm proud of.

(A motorcycle is heard outside.)

CF: Oh, God. He's here.

(Two large men with arms covered in tattoos walk into the warehouse. One of them is CF's father, and the other is one of his associates.)

CF's father: Who are the boys with her?

Associate: They fought us when we tried to get the girl. We brought them here just in case you wanted to do anything with them.

(Trophy and Hayden start sweating as CF's father looks at them.)

CF's father: Nah, let them go. It's just the girl I want.

Trophy: What are you going to do with her?

CF's father: We're just going to talk. (waves) Bye bye.

(The associate drags Trophy and Hayden out of the warehouse.)

CF's father: Why don't you ever call me anymore?

CF: I'm sorry, dad. It just slipped my mind.

CF's father: I had to come down here to make sure the f-bois didn't kill you.

CF: F-bois?

CF's father: FBI.

CF: Of course.

CF's father: You need to call me.

CF: I will.

CF's father: At least once a week.

CF: I will.

CF's father: So...how are you?

CF: I'm fine.

(CF looks down.)

CF's father: You sure?

CF: Yes. Please just take me back.

CF's father: You know, you can talk with me about anything.

(CF looks up, tears in her eyes.)

CF: I just want to go home.

(CF's father hugs her.)

CF's father: I know, dear. I know.

xat.com/sbcommunity

 Omair: lizard squad?

 Omair: what's a lizard squad?

 JCM: they're a hacking group

 JCM: you sure it was them, hilaryfan80?

 hilaryfan80: I'm not 100% sure

 hilaryfan80: But it takes serious hacking talent to get through all of SBC's protections

 hilaryfan80: Hacking talent Lizard Squad has

 CDCB: oh shit

 CDCB: they're back

 CDCB: gtg

 JCM: someone's taken a lesson from the hayden school of "saying something vague then leaving"

(ding dong)

 JCM: one leaves, another comes

 jjs: yo ssj

 Bubble Buddy: ugh must we bring up that no good admin?!

 ssj: ...

 jjs: Ignore him.

 Omair: why are you here ess ess jay?

 ssj: I've already told hilaryfan80 this, but I wanted you to hear this from me

 ssj: Abney is pissed about the hacking, and he thinks hilaryfan80 is responsible for it

 Omair: what?

 Omair: he wouldn't hack sbm

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 ssj: Can I pop Bubble Buddy?

 hilaryfan80: No! I won't let you!

 hilaryfan80: But sorry, Omair, I would hack SBM, and I have hacked SBM

 hilaryfan80: But I didn't do it today

 ssj: Abney still wants to cut off all ties with SBC

 ssj: Ban their entire staff from the forum

 JCM: wait a minute

 JCM: that includes me!

 ssj: Yes it does, JCM

 JCM: he can't do that!

 ssj: I'm sorry, but the rest of the staff has already agreed to it

 Omair: including cha?

 ssj: Yes

 ssj: Including Cha

 ssj: If it makes you feel any better, I don't believe hilaryfan80 did it, either

 jjs: But you'll still let them ban us?

 ssj: I honestly think it's the best thing for both sites right now

 JCM: this is bullcrap

 JCM: why did lizard squad of all people decide to do this?

 JCM: aren't they working with trophy?

 hilaryfan80: Trophy's been gone for a year

 hilaryfan80: A lot can happen in a year

 hilaryfan80: Jjs and I are watching SpongeCraft in case the hackers come back, though

 JCM: i'd join you

 JCM: but i don't want to

 SOF: are sbc and sbm rivals again?

 Omair: god i hope not

 JCM: well they did kind of just ban us all which is a very rivally thing to do

 JCM: and like that ssj disappears

(ding dong)

 CDCB: Hayden and Trophy are back

 CDCB: Thank God

 JCM: is this a clark kent/superman type of deal?

 JCM: are you and ssj the same person?

 CDCB: huh?

 JCM: nevermind

 CDCB: I think it's about time for all of us to return to Xat

 CDCB: As soon as CF comes back and gives her okay, of course

 JCM: and if she doesn't?

 CDCB: Then this'll be the last you see me for a long time

 JCM: I doubt the government cares much about y'all anymore anyway

 JCM: They gave us Xat back, and you, CF, Trophy, and Hayden don't even take up the top four spots on the FBI's Most Wanted list anymore

 JCM: Hay and Troph are still in the top five, but they also killed a person

 CDCB: Allegedly

 JCM: As soon as they go to trial for it, you know they're getting the electric chair

 CDCB: Oh, I forgot to mention they're reading this right now

 CDCB: And Hayden just said a bunch of words I can't repeat in front of children

 Omair: i'm not a child

 CDCB: I'm talking about JCM

 Omair: fair enough

 Bubble Buddy: Hello one and all!

 Omair: !love omair & hilaryfan80

 Bubble Buddy: Love test: omair and hilaryfan80 are 85% compatible.

 Omair: only 85%?

 Omair: 

 Omair: i was going to say "hashtag system is rigged" but you saw what happened

Texas

(CF walks into the house she shares with CDCB, Trophy, and Hayden.)

CF: Just in time for the fireworks.

(CDCB comes out of his room.)

CDCB: Welcome back! Hey, do you mind if me, Trophy, and Hayden start going on Xat again?

CF: I don't care.

CDCB: Come on! I...wait a minute. Did you say we could?

CF: Yeah.

CDCB: That was easier than I thought.

[JCM]

Episode 22

xat.com/thesbcommunity

(ding dong)

 JCM: well well well

 JCM: if it isn't benedict charnold

 JCM: i'm sorry it was too clever for me to resist

 Cha: it's okay

 JCM: but seriously

 JCM: why did you vote to ban me and the rest of the staff from sbm?

 Cha: I was pressured into it

 Cha: they really wanted it to be unanimous

 hilaryfan80: I swear I didn't hack them

 JCM: yeah

 JCM: it was lizard squad

 Cha: I'm not the one you should convince

 hilaryfan80: I don't have abney on skype like I do with ssj

 hilaryfan80: The only way to get in touch with him is through SBM, and that's not exactly an option right now

 Cha: I'll tell him whatever you tell me

 Cha: But I doubt it'll do you much good

 CDCB: sup fools

 JCM: CD?

 CDCB: no it's hayden

 CDCB: we only have one laptop so i have to post from this account

 SOF: wb hayden

(ding dong)

 

 Hayden: that's better

 Hayden: so what's happening

 JCM: another crisis

 Hayden: worse than trump potentially in the white house?

 Hayden: wait a minute

 Hayden: didn't you say you'd ban yourself if he became the nominee?

 JCM: no

 JCM: i don't remember that at all

 Hayden: liar

 JCM: anyways, i've been banned from enough places

 JCM: including sbm as of today

 Hayden: why did you get banned from sbm?

 JCM: they think hilaryfan80 hacked them when it was really lizard squad

 Cha: I told abney about that and he was skeptical btw

 Hayden: yo cha

 Hayden: why you stealing my pokemon thunder 

 Cha: Sorry lol

(ding dong)

 Cha: Hey Clappy

 Clappy: Hey Cha

 Hayden: so clappy's hello kitty now and cha's azumarill

 Hayden: that'll take some getting used to

 JCM: azumarill?

 JCM: do you just remember that stuff off the top of your head?

 Hayden: yeah don't you?

 JCM: uhh

 Clappy: I'm so glad the new Independence Day movie flopped

 Clappy: Releasing it a year after an actual alien invasion was in shitty taste

 Clappy: Plus it sucked

 Clappy: Just like the original

 JCM: hey i liked the original

 JCM: i didn't see the new one though because i'm a poor college student

 Hayden: ah college

 Hayden: one thing I won't miss about my old life

 JCM: where are you living now anyway?

 Hayden: you know I can't tell you that

 Hayden: xat might be back but that doesn't mean the cia isn't watching

 JCM: why are you risking coming on here then?

 Hayden: cd got something called tor installed on this computer

 Hayden: makes it impossible for the cia to track us

 JCM: i hope you're right about that

 Bubble Buddy: Hello one and all!

 Hayden: who is that

 hilaryfan80: That's Bubble Buddy!

 hilaryfan80: Wanna see what else he can do?

 Hayden: sure

 hilaryfan80: WHAT TEAM

 Bubble Buddy: WILDCATS

 hilaryfan80: WHAT TEAM

 Bubble Buddy: WILDCATS

 hilaryfan80: WILDCATS

 Bubble Buddy: GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

 JCM: yep that's a thing it does

 hilaryfan80: patmair

 Bubble Buddy:

 Omair: did somebody call my name

 Omair: oh hayden

 Omair: you're back

 Hayden: you know I am 

 Hayden: shit trophy won't stop bugging me to let him get on

 Hayden: gtg

 JCM: later

 JCM: oh, and hilaryfan80

 JCM: have you seen lizard squad on spongecraft yet?

 hilaryfan80: Actually...

 hilaryfan80: They just came on!

xat.com/help

(ding dong)

 Flying Ace: hayden?

 Flying Ace: what are you doing here?

 Hayden: I wanted to catch up with an old friend before I left for the day

 Flying Ace: In what universe are we friends?

 Hayden: don't be like that

 Hayden: I wanted to tell you about the owner

 Flying Ace: what about him?

 Hayden: he's dead

 Flying Ace: you asshole

 Flying Ace: did you kill him?

 Flying Ace: like you killed sam ballmer?

 Hayden: goodbye flying ass

 Flying Ace: you're a monster

 Flying Ace: YOU'RE A MONSTER

Texas

(Trophy and Hayden are in a room with a laptop.)

Trophy: Did you really have to do that?

Hayden: What? I thought he needed to know.

(Trophy rolls his eyes as Hayden slides the laptop to him. Downstairs, CDCB and CF are eating dinner.)

CDCB: Dinner at 11 PM. This must be what it's like to be Nuggets.

CF: There's something I need to tell you.

CDCB: What?

CF: I told my dad to stop sending us money. Him kidnapping you, Trophy, and Hayden...it was too much. I couldn't in good conscience take another penny from him.

CDCB: I understand. We'll find another way to get money. We can get jobs.

CF: In the middle of nowhere?

CDCB: We can just drive to the city.

CF: Somebody will recognize us, even with the wigs. There's no point delaying the inevitable.

CDCB: What are you talking about?

CF: (sighs) We have to turn ourselves in.

[JCM]

Episode 23

Texas

CDCB: What do you mean we have to turn ourselves in?

CF: Our only other option is starving.

CDCB: I'm sure somebody here can find a job.

CF: Who will hire a person in sunglasses and a wig who refuses to undergo a background check? The economy isn't that good yet.

CDCB: We can find a way! I-I'll sell some of my old VHS tapes.

CF: Don't put yourself through that. I know how much you love those things.

CDCB: I'd rather go through the pain of losing my Bear in the Big Blue House tapes than whatever the CIA will do to me.

CF: It's been ten months. With all the terrorist attacks going on, they have more to worry about than us.

CDCB: But what about the alien device?

CF: We'll bury it outside. No matter what, the CIA won't get their hands on it,

CDCB: Are you sure it can survive like that?

CF: It seems to power itself. The only thing that could really mess it up is a lightning strike, and what are the chances of that?

CDCB: There has to be another way.

CF: The only way was with my father's money, and I can't accept it anymore.

CDCB: (sighs) Fine. When do you want to tell Trophy and Hayden?

CF: When they're done with Xat.

xat.com/sbcommunity

 Trophy: what was that you guys were saying about lizard squad?

 hilaryfan80: Trophy!

 hilaryfan80: Just the person they were looking for!

 Trophy: they're looking for me?

 Trophy: why?

 hilaryfan80: They didn't say

 Trophy: hmm

 JCM: hi trophy

 JCM: bye trophy

 Bubble Buddy: Hello one and all!

 JCM: shut up bubble buddy

SpongeCraft

 Trophy: haven't been here in a while

 LizardSquardYall has kicked jjsthekid and Mr. Dr, Professor Patrick

 Trophy: wtf

 LizardSquardYall: welcome back bitch

 Trophy: what the hell are you doing?

 LizardSquardYall: just trying to get your attention

 Trophy: by hacking sbm?

 LizardSquardYall: we also tried to hack sbc, but the security was better than we thought

 Trophy: well, you got my attention

 Trophy: what do you want?

 LizardSquardYall: after we hacked that alien spaceship like you told us to, we became instant celebrities

 LizardSquardYall: but it also got the cia on our asses

 LizardSquardYall: we've done a good enough job of protecting our identities that they haven't tracked us down yet

 LizardSquardYall: but one of our members just defected and threatened to turn us all in for the reward money

 Trophy: what am I supposed to do about it?

 LizardSquardYall: wherever you're hiding from the cia, we want to join you

 LizardSquardYall: they haven't been able to track you down for a year, and you're way higher profile than we are

 Trophy: sorry

 Trophy: even if I wanted to take you in, I can't exactly give you my address over spongecraft

 LizardSquardYall: we're looking at your server right now

 LizardSquardYall: you and I are the only people on here

 LizardSquardYall: plus, I see you're using tor

 LizardSquardYall: cool

 Trophy: thanks, but I'll still have to decline

 LizardSquardYall: please

 LizardSquardYall: we'll tell those guys at sbm everything

 LizardSquardYall: I saw from their newest thread that think one of the admins of your forum did it

 LizardSquardYall: this can either get better or it can get worse

 LizardSquardYall: your choice

 Trophy: leave me alone

 Trophy: I'm not letting you move in with us

 Trophy: do what you want to sbm

 Trophy: I don't care about that place anyway

 LizardSquardYall has left

 Trophy: ...

xat.com/sbcommunity

 hilaryfan80: That Lizard Squad bitch just kicked me off!

 jjs: Same

 jjs: And I can't get back on

 hilaryfan80: I'll need to tell Face to up SpongeCraft's security next time I see him

 Omair: whoa

 Omair: all of sbm's forum headers just changed to "hilaryfan80 Wuz Here"

 hilaryfan80: That can't be me!

 hilaryfan80: I'd never use such horrible spelling!

 hilaryfan80: I'm trying to be an English teacher for Chrissakes!

 jjs: Well, if abney had a hard time believing you before, this won't help

(ding dong)

 Trophy: I'm so sorry, guys

 Trophy: lizard squad asked me to do something I just couldn't do

 hilaryfan80: It's alright

 hilaryfan80: We'll figure out a way through this

 hilaryfan80: I'm not going to let our relationship with SBM be ruined by trolls

 Trophy: based on what they told me, they won't be a problem for much longer, anyway

 JCM: what do you mean?

 Trophy: the cia is after them

 Trophy: they wanted to hide out with me, hayden, cd, and cf

 Trophy: I said no, so this is my punishment

 JCM: i feel like i'm getting punished more than you are

 Trophy: sorry again

 JCM: it's like you and hay are bad luck for me

 JCM: maybe you should disappear for another ten months

 Trophy:

 JCM: i'm just kidding

 JCM: maybe i should turn the computer off and watch independence day

 JCM: og independence day, of course

 JCM: cause this fool still broke

 Clappy: Use your time better JCM

 Clappy: Do literally anything else

 JCM: i will not tolerate id4 hate on this chatroom

 JCM: do that again and you'll get a stern talking to

 SOF: anybody watch finding dory?

 Clappy: Now that's a movie

 JCM: i don't see how that deserves to exist any more than independence day resurgence

 Clappy: Well for one it's good

 JCM: but it still continues the trend of every new movie being a sequel or a reboot

 JCM: i miss the good old days when every new movie was original

 Clappy: You weren't alive for those days

 Clappy: Hell, I wasn't alive for those days

 Trophy: why are you guys talking casually about movies with everything that's going on right now?

 JCM: i dunno

 JCM: welcome distractions, i guess

 Trophy: I'll be back tomorrow

 SOF: bye trophy

 JCM: they might as well just name the next finding nemo sequel finding money

 Clappy: I'm going to leave, too

 Clappy: Before JCM makes me burst a blood vessel

 JCM: i get the feeling this is why i don't have a lot of friends

 jjs: gtg

 JCM: and then there were three

 SOF: gtg

 JCM: two

 hilaryfan80: gtg

 JCM: i see how it is

 JCM: id4 time

[JCM]

Episode 24

Texas

(Hayden, Trophy, CDCB, and CF are sitting together at the dinner table.)

Hayden: So that's why you let us back on Xat, You knew we'd be in the CIA's hands either way.

CF: I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I wanted you to enjoy your time on Xat without that cloud hanging over you.

Trophy: Can't we at least get another day to say goodbye?

CF: Yeah, but there won't be much of a point in postponing it any further after that.

Hayden: I can't believe after all this time we spent building a new life for ourselves, you threw it away because of your daddy issues!

CDCB: Whoa, there!

Hayden: Don't tell me you weren't thinking it!

CF: You seem to have forgotten that you got kidnapped because of my father. I wasn't about to put us through that stress again.

Hayden: I could have handled it.

CF: Well, I couldn't!

(Everyone is quiet for a moment.)

CF: I've watched people die in situations like that. A rival gang took my mother...and she didn't come back alive.

Hayden: I-I'm sorry. I didn't know.

CF: Being dependent on my father has been worse than any prison I could think of. I kept it going for so long because I knew you guys didn't choose to go on the run with us, but I couldn't anymore.

Trophy: It's alright. We never would have left CIA headquarters after you guys left, anyway.

CF: Maybe, but it should have been up to you two.

Hayden: (pauses) Thanks, CF.

CF: For what?

Hayden: For everything.

cytu.be/r/sbm

Jicem: hey guys

Jicem: it's jcm

 WhoBob: jcm?

 WhoBob: what are you doing on cy?

Jicem: i was trying to enjoy my yearly viewing of independence day but i couldn't

Jicem: this sbm stuff is having more of an effect on me than i thought

Jicem: anyway, nobody was on xat, so i just came here

 WhoBob: oh right, you were banned, weren't you?

Jicem: yeah

 WhoBob: sorry about that

 BMC: honestly, the sbm hacking is hilarious

 BMC: that stuck up staff deserves it

Jicem: i wish i didn't get banned for it, though

Jicem: sbm was my first sb forum

Jicem: plus they took away my vip which i really liked

 Torts: 

Jicem: wow thats really nice

 BMC: ignore torts

 BMC: he does that

 Torts: nah but really

 Torts: i agree the staff deserves it

 Loopers23: yeah

 Loopers23: if hilaryfan80 ever comes on cy he should be instamodded

Jicem: hilaryfan80 didn't do it

 BMC: really?

 BMC: who did?

Jicem: lizard squad

 BMC: what's a lizard squad?

Jicem: a famous hacking group

Jicem: they basically saved the world last year

Jicem: you guys don't remember?

 fredphelps: I do

 fredphelps: And if they really hacked SBM I love them more than ever before now

Jicem: if you guys hate sbm so much why do you go on there?

 Torts: all our friends are on there

 BMC: 

 BMC: ^this

Jicem: who the crap is playing turkish soap operas

 WhoBob: do you even have to ask

 WhoBob: I should really be asleep right now

Jicem: there's a spongebob forum that happens to not be trash

Jicem: sbc

 Torts: no thanks

 Loopers23: ^

Jicem: fine

Jicem: why don't you just make your own spongebob forum?

 fredphelps: Our own Spongebob forum?

Jicem: yeah

Jicem: that way you'll be your own staff

 Loopers23: that's actually a really good idea

Jicem: i'm full of em

 BMC: what would we call it?

 Torts: how about

 Torts: the independent spongebob forums?

 BMC: I like it!

 Torts: 

Jicem: that's great

Jicem: you guys do that

Jicem: meanwhile i'll try to figure out why this turkish woman is screaming

 WhoBob: her husband cheated on her with her best friend

Jicem: that's a really sleazy thing to do

 Torts: alright the site is up

Jicem: that was fast

 Torts: I had a friend who owned a server

 Torts: it's just a base phpbb forum but it could be something so much cooler

Jicem: well if you want a cool skin just let me know

 Torts: I want a cool skin

Jicem: goddangit i was just kidding

Jicem: alright fine i'll make it

 Torts: you don't have to

Jicem: eh i see where this turkish show is going anyway

 WhoBob: shh don't spoil it

Jicem: I'll be working on the skin

 BMC: and i'll be tellin all my friends about it

 BMC: 

Jicem: i don't even want to know what that is

(7/5/16)

xat.com/sbcommunity

(ding dong)

 jjs: abney?

 abney: What the hell is this ISB thing about?

 jjs: isb?

 abney: Independent SpongeBob Forums

 abney: One of our members made it last night

 abney: I know SBC had something to do with this

 jjs: what proof do you have?

 abney: The skin says "Created by Ya Boy JCM" at the bottom

(ding dong)

 JCM: ...

 JCM: did i come at a bad time?

[JCM]

Episode 25

 abney: I knew you guys were sabotaging us

 jjs: But we aren't

 JCM: yeah

 JCM: we love sbm

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 abney: ...

 JCM: I can explain that

 abney: Don't bother

 abney: I'm making sure you and the rest of SBC's staff never set foot on my forum again

 JCM: oh come on

 JCM: you're taking this isb thing way too seriously

 abney: It already has 25 members

 abney: All of them from us

 JCM: wait

 JCM: really?

 JCM: that got bigger than i thought it'd be when i suggested it

 abney: So you admit to suggesting it?

 JCM: no?

 abney: Liar

 JCM: and anyway, they have a right to make another spongebob forum if they don't see eye to eye with you guys

 JCM: that's how sbc was made after all

 jjs: jcm

 jjs: you might want to drop this

 abney: No

 abney: I've heard enough

 JCM: okay bye

 Omair: wow

 Omair: there's a civil war going on on sbm

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 Omair: and not the good kind of civil war either

 JCM: what do you consider a "good" kind of civil war?

 Omair: one with chris evans

 JCM: of course

(ding dong)

 Trophy: hey guys

 JCM: trophy!

 JCM: you came at a horrible time!

 Trophy: are there any other times?

 JCM: good point

 Trophy: did you manage to resolve that sbm stuff?

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 JCM: no not really

 JCM: somehow i made it worse

(ding dong)

 hilaryfan80: What the hell, JCM?

 hilaryfan80: I was so close to reaching a deal to get the rest of the staff unbanned

 hilaryfan80: Now ssj won't even talk to me

 Bubble Buddy: ugh must we bring up that no good admin?!

 JCM: i'm sorry

 JCM: i didn't know isb would get so popular

 Trophy: what's isb?

 jjs: the independent spongebob forums

 Trophy: ooh, let me check it out

 Trophy: uhhh

 Trophy: created by ya boy jcm?

 JCM: yeah

 JCM: probably shouldn't have added that in hindsight

 Trophy: whatever

 Trophy: time to do what I came on here to do

 jjs: what is that?

 Trophy: say goodbye to you all

 Trophy: i'm going first since hay got on first yesterday

 JCM: wait

 JCM: why are you saying goodbye?

 Trophy: we have to turn ourselves in tomorrow

 jjs: but why?

 Trophy: because we don't feel like hiding anymore

 Trophy: also we lost our source of income and can't afford it

 jjs: well shit

 jjs: sorry man

 Trophy: it's okay

 JCM: hope you don't get waterboarded

 Trophy: you're really great at consoling people

 JCM: it's a gift

 JCM: and a curse

 Trophy: I was being sarcastic

 JCM: can't tell online

 Trophy: I'm bringing hayden on now

 jjs: gtg

 JCM: r00d

 JCM: god i sound like meg now

 JCM: hey hilaryfan80 is gone too

 JCM: wonder what's going on

Texas

(CDCB is in his room scrolling through the alien device's hologram.)

CDCB: There it is!

(CF walks in.)

CF: What's going on?

CDCB: (turns around) I just wanted to go through some logs before we buried this.

CF: Of what Xat?

CDCB: sbfansunited. I own it, and I was just curious to see if anything happened after everybody left it.

CF: Looks like something's happening right now.

CDCB: (turns back around) What?

xat.com/sbfansunited

 hilaryfan80: Thanks for agreeing to meet us here

 ssj: No problem

 jjs: What did you want to talk to me about?

 hilaryfan80: Well, it's about that deal me and ssj reached

 hilaryfan80: He said he could get all of you unbanned if I resigned

 hilaryfan80: But now JCM has to resign too

 jjs: What?

 jjs: That's two thirds of SBC's admins

 ssj: And I'm not even sure if that'll work anymore

 ssj: This is the only way to restore whatever's left of the goodwill between SBC and SBM

 hilaryfan80: I was more than willing to resign but I'm not sure JCM will be

 hilaryfan80: Which is why we might have to fire him

 jjs: I'm not firing him just so I can get unbanned on SBM

 jjs: I don't even go on SBM anymore

 ssj: This isn't just about getting you unbanned

 ssj: This is about unity

 ssj: We're already in a civil war

 hilaryfan80: And not the good kind of civil war with Chris Evans

 ssj: Your obsession with Chris Evans disturbs me

 ssj: But yeah

 ssj: We don't want it to turn into a world war

 jjs: Alright

 jjs: I'll think about it

xat.com/sbcommunity

 JCM: and that's everything you missed while you were gone

 Hayden: didn't know you had it in you to screw sbm over so badly jcm

 JCM: it wasn't intentional

 JCM: i'm sure they'll get over it

 Hayden: once jjs gets back how about we do a game of jep?

 Hayden: one more for the road

 JCM: it's tuesday

 Hayden: come on

 Hayden: you scared? 

 JCM: i'm not scared

 JCM: i just don't feel like playing jep today

 Hayden: bawk bawk

 JCM: fine

 JCM: jjs probably won't even come back on tonight anyway

(ding dong)

 Hayden: JJS

 Hayden: right on cue

 JCM: wb

 JCM: hayden wants to play jep but i know you don't have time for that

 jjs: No, I have time

 Hayden: woo

 jjs: But there's something I need to tell you JCM

 JCM: what?

 jjs: After the game

 jjs: I don't want to distract you

 JCM: sigh

 JCM: i guess i'm doing this then

(7/6/16)

Texas

(Trophy, Hayden, CDCB, and CF walk into a coffee shop.)

Waitress: Hey, girl! You want the usual?

CF: Yeah.

(The four sit at a table, and the waitress gives CF a cup of coffee.)

Waitress: I'll get all of you your bagels in a few.

(The waitress walks into the kitchen, and CF takes out her cellphone. She looks around, and when she's sure nobody's listening, she dials a number.)

CF: Hi, is this the CIA? Yeah, it's about those four people who escaped last year. What about them? (pauses) It's us.

[JCM]

Episode 26

Virginia

(Trophy, Hayden, CDCB, and CF walk out of a plane, handcuffed, with CIA agents all around them. A few minutes later, they're riding to Langley in the backseat of one of the agent's vans.)

CDCB: Here it is. Our last moment of freedom.

Trophy: At least we got to say goodbye to everyone on Xat,

CDCB: Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. We found out hilaryfan80 is planning to resign from SBC.

Trophy: What? Why?

CDCB: He thinks that's it's the only way SBM will lay off them for the hacking.

Trophy: But he didn't even do it!

CIA agent: Hey, what's going on back there?

CF: Nothing!

Trophy: (quieter) Do you know what they'll do to JCM?

CDCB: They said they're going to try and talk him into resigning, too. If he doesn't, well...

Hayden: That must be what jjs wanted to talk to him about after Jeopardy.

CF: How did that game end, anyway?

Hayden: I crushed him.

Trophy: We crushed him.

Hayden: It was mostly me.

Trophy: I answered most of the questions.

Hayden: Whatever.

CIA agent: We're here!

(The CIA agent drags Trophy, Hayden, CDCB, and CF out of the van. They walk to CIA headquarters, where John Brennan is waiting for them,)

Brennan: Long time no see. (to the agent) Take them to the interrogation room.

(The agent does what Brennan says, and they find themselves sitting across the table from four young men, named Louis, Travis, James, and Frank, respectively.)

Frank: Well, well, well. If it isn't Trophy.

Trophy: Do I know you?

Frank: You know all of us. We're part of Lizard Squad.

CF: You're Lizard Squad?

Frank: Not all of it. Herman, the one who ratted us out, is probably somewhere much cushier than this.

Trophy: Didn't take them very long to round you up.

Travis: Yeah, thanks for that, by the way!

Trophy: Hey, it wouldn't have helped you even if we did tell you where we were staying, considering where we are right now!

Frank: (sighs) You're right. At least we got to enjoy being heroes while we could.

(Brennan walks into the room.)

Brennan: Acquainted yet? I hope you are, cause you'll be in here for a while!

(Brennan slams the door behind him.)

Brennan: Let's start with an easy one: where's the alien device?

CF: You'll never know.

Brennan: I can have you stripped, searched, and X-rayed, do you know that?

CF: Do what you will, but you won't find it.

Brennan: (sighs) I hoped you'd make this easy for me.

(Brennan pushes a button on the wall.)

Brennan: Do the searches and X-rays.

(Four CIA agents walk in and take Trophy, Hayden, CDCB, and CF.)

Brennan: As soon as they're through, you'll be right back in here!

(Once they're gone, Brennan sits down in one of the now-empty chairs.)

Brennan: Sorry I had to postpone this. It's been quite a day.

Frank: What do you want?

Brennan: Simple. I want you to hack into Xat again and shut it down remotely.

Louis: Why don't you get your boys at the NSA to do that?

Brennan: I'll be frank with you. The hackers at the NSA suck. They get most of their intelligence through simple wiretapping and arm-twisting big technology companies. But they couldn't even get into an iPhone. What makes you think they could get into a server as sophisticated as Xat's?

Louis: (chuckles) Good point.

Brennan: Listen, I've tried the legal avenues, but the courts won't let me seize Xat's domain name without proof, and the people who just left have that proof. I also can't DOS the site anymore, because the administration says it's a waste of resources. If we can't get our hands on that device, you four will be the only chance we have to get rid of Xat once and for all.

Travis: Why do you want Xat gone so much, anyway?

Brennan: It was created by aliens, which means it could still be being sending information to the aliens for them to use against us.

Frank: But do you know if it's actually doing that?

Brennan: I don't care if it's actually doing that! I don't want that alien shit being used by Americans!

James: I feel a lot less comfortable taking down what might just be a harmless chat site than I was taking down a hostile alien ship.

Louis: Yeah, same.

Travis: Find someone else to do your dirty work, CI-asshole!

Brennan: (growls) Don't you know I can lock you all up based on the evidence Herman gave us?

Frank: I don't care. Lock us up and throw away the key. We're not hacking Xat again.

(Trophy, Hayden, CDCB, and CF walk back in with the CIA agents.)

Agent: We didn't find the alien device on their persons, but we're waiting on the X-rays.

CF: Don't expect to find anything.

Brennan: Agents, leave.

(The agents walk out of the room.)

Brennan: You all think this is some kind of a joke, don't you?

(Brennan pulls out a gun.)

Brennan: Well, it's time to show you just how serious I am.

James: (worried) What do you plan to do with that?

Brennan: If just one of you agrees to help me shut down Xat, you won't have to find out.

(Everybody stays quiet.)

Brennan: No? Alright, then.

(Brennan points the gun at Trophy.)

Brennan: You're the one thing that connects these two groups of people, so I'm sure you'll be the one they'll miss the most.

Frank: Come on, man. He's just a kid.

Brennan: You have three seconds. Three...

(The Lizard Squad members look at one another.)

Brennan: Two...

(CDCB, CF, and Hayden look at each other.)

Brennan: One!

Texas

(A strong wind blows away all the sand covering the alien device. Suddenly, a lightning bolt hits the device, and it begins to short-circuit.)

California

(A Stanford student walks to the front of his classroom. He attaches his laptop to a projector, then he types a URL into the web browser.)

Student: Hello, everyone. My senior thesis was on one of science's biggest questions: is time travel possible? I've created something that can help us answer that.

(The student presses the enter key on the keyboard. A white screen with a black line in the center of it pops up on the projector.)

Student: I know, it's not a lot to look at, but it could potentially change the way we see time forever. I assume you're all familiar with seismographs, which detect changes in ground motion, but what I've created detects changes in temporal flow, basically time travel. The results of it, similar to the results you get from seismographs, are up here.

(The audience gasps.)

Student: Yes, I know. It's very impressive. (turns around) Holy shit!

(The black line on the projector is now zigging and zagging everywhere.)

Student: I'm not the only one that sees this, right? Everybody sees it? (laughs in disbelief) Holy shit!

Virginia

Brennan: One!

Frank: Wait!

(Suddenly, Brennan, CDCB, CF, and Trophy disappear.)

xat.com/sbcommunity

 JCM: I've finished my resignation thread

 jjs: You're more okay with this than I thought you'd be

 JCM: eh

 JCM: i couldn't be on staff forever

 JCM: besides, i've just been accepted to an internship, and it's way more important than anything going on here

 jjs: an internship?

 jjs: where at?

 JCM: the cia

 JCM: i'm going to langley, baby!

 jjs: the same cia troph and hay turned themselves into?

 JCM: wow

 JCM: i didn't even think of that

 JCM: maybe i'll meet them

(?/??/????)

Virginia

(Brennan drops the gun and falls to his knees, holding his head.)

Brennan: What on Earth just happened? I have a major case of vertigo right now.

CF: (rubs head) Same.

CDCB: Say, does the room look different to you?

(Brennan stumbles out of the room and sees a security officer walking towards them.)

Officer: Who are you?

Brennan: What do you mean, who am I? I'm the director of this place!

Officer: You're not the director. Richard Helms is the director.

(Trophy walks out of the room.)

Trophy: Excuse me, sir, but would you mind telling me what year it is?

Officer: (looks at Trophy with confusion) 1966.

Brennan: (hyperventilating) 1966?

(Brennan vomits, and CDCB, CF, and Trophy look at each other. Another security officer appears with the present CIA's lab technician.)

Lab technician: Does anybody know what's going on?

(Brennan looks up at the lab technician, and then he faints.)

Lab technician: I'll take that as a "no".

[JCM]

Episode 27

Virginia (1966)

(John Brennan wakes up in an interrogation room. CDCB, CF, Trophy, and the lab technician are sitting with him.)

Brennan: W-where am I? When am I?

Lab technician: Just take it easy, John.

Brennan: How am I supposed to "take it easy", Edgar? I feel like a stranger in my own building!

CF: We're all as confused as you are.

Brennan: Shut up, traitor! You’re the last person I want to be consoled by! 

CDCB: The only reason we betrayed you is because you were going to shut down Xat!

Brennan: Why do you care about that “Xat” so much, anyway? 

CDCB: It has…sentimental value for us. 

Brennan: What? You know what, I don’t even give a shit. As soon as we get back, I’m throwing all of you in federal prison! 

Voice: I’m afraid that isn’t your decision to make. 

(Brennan turns around to find that the voice belongs to Richard Helms, who has just walked into the interrogation room.) 

Brennan: Director Helms! 

Helms: Glad to see you’re conscious again. Now tell me: how did you get into CIA headquarters with a weapon? 

Brennan: I know you won’t believe me, but I’m the director of the CIA in the future. Some freak accident sent us back in time! 

Helms: You’re right. I don’t believe you. (scratches chin) The only logical explanation is that there’s a mole. Until you tell me who the mole is, you and your friends will stay in here. For days, if need be. 

CF: But he’s telling the truth! 

(Helms walks out and locks the door behind him. Brennan slams his fist on the table he and the others are sitting around.) 

Brennan: Goddamn it! How are we supposed to get out of here? 

Trophy: I have an idea. 

Brennan: Like I’ll listen to a kid! 

Edgar: At least give him a shot. 

Trophy: Unless you have something better. 

Brennan: (grumbles) Fine. 

(A few hours later, Helms walks back into the room, and everybody’s missing.) 

Helms: What the? 

(CDCB jumps out of a nearby corner and hits Helms over the back of the head with a chair, knocking him out. He then feels through Helms’ pockets until he finds a set of keys.) 

CDCB: Alright, let’s go! 

(Everybody else comes out of hiding and follows CDCB out of the interrogation room.) 

Brennan: It concerns me how easy this was. 

(An officer spots them.) 

Officer: Hey! 

(The officer pulls out a gun, but CF does a cartwheel to knock him out.) 

CF: Thank you, training. 

(More officers start appearing, so Brennan, Edgar, CDCB, CF, and Trophy run towards the exit, trying desperately to avoid the officers’ shots. One of the shots hit Trophy in the leg just as he reaches the exit, causing CDCB to drag him out the door as he screams in pain.) 

Trophy: Those assholes shot me! 

CDCB: Don’t worry! I’ll get you cleaned up before we hightail it! 

(CDCB throws Trophy over his back as he and Edgar run to one of the vans outside the building. Meanwhile, CF and Brennan hold the exit door shut as bullets fly out of it.) 

Brennan: Hurry up before I lose a hand! 

(Once CDCB reaches the van, he starts trying Helms’ keys out one by one. He manages to unlock the van on the third try.) 

CDCB: Alright, it’s open! 

(CF and Brennan let go of the exit door and head towards the van as officers run out of the door and shoot at them. As soon as they’re safely in the van, CDCB drives away with them.) 

Brennan: I can’t believe I’m running from my own agency! 

CF: It won’t be your agency for another 50 years. 

(Trophy, who is in the backseat with them, stares at his wounded leg, which CDCB wrapped his jacket around.) 

Brennan: Where do we go now? 

CDCB: Far away from here. 

Edgar: Can I make a suggestion? 

CDCB: Sure. 

Edgar: There's someone I know who works for MIT. He might help us figure out how we got here and how we can get back. 

(Brennan mutters in disapproval.) 

CDCB: Do you have something to say, Director Brennan? 

Brennan: No, carry on. 

(CDCB speeds the van up as he turns onto the highway.) 

Virginia (2016) 

(JCM walks into CIA headquarters to find agents running around in panic.) 

JCM: Uh, is this a bad time? 

Agent: Director Brennan is missing! 

JCM: (surprised) What? Then who do I report to? 

Agent: David Cohen, for now. 

(The agent points to Cohen's office. JCM enters the office to find Cohen on the phone.) 

Cohen: Yes, I know, Mr. President. I'm aware that it's a shitshow, Mr. President. 

(Cohen hangs up the phone and sighs.) 

Cohen: Who are you? 

JCM: The new lab intern. 

Cohen: Well, the head lab technician disappeared with Mr. Brennan, so I'm not sure if you want to start now. 

JCM: Well, it sounds like you'll need another lab tech, doesn't it? 

Cohen: (chuckles) I like the way to think. The lab's down the hall, if you want to start getting to know the other techs. 

(JCM walks into the lab, where techs are busily tapping away at their computers.) 

JCM: Hey, guys. What's up? 

Tech 1: Well, well, well. If it isn't the new intern. 

Tech 2: Should we haze him? 

(JCM gulps.)

Tech 1: (laughs) We're just messin' with ya!

(JCM sits next to the tech and reads what's on his screen.)

JCM: Are you trying to hack into a network?

Tech 1: Yeah, but Edgar's better at this stuff than any of us.

Tech 2: It sucks because this network is being used by some pretty nasty terrorists. Edgar was so close to getting into it, but then poof, he was gone.

JCM: Let me try.

(JCM spends several minutes typing code into the tech's computer. After executing the code, he waits several more minutes for a pop-up confirming the code's success.)

JCM: There. We're in.

Tech 1: What the hell?

Tech 2: This kid's a prodigy!

Tech 1: Mind if you help us out with something else?

JCM: Sure.

(Later that day, JCM heads to the restroom as Hayden walks out of it, escorted by officers.)

JCM: Hayden?

Hayden: JCM?

JCM: Did those officers watch you pee?

Hayden: Really? That's the first thing you choose to say to me?

JCM: It's the first thing that came to mind.

Officer: How about you move out of the way, son?

JCM: You totally watched him pee, didn't you?

Officer: (annoyed) Move out of the way before I shoot you.

(JCM moves out of the way as the officers take him to his interrogation room.)

JCM: (whispering) They totally watched him pee.

(The officers push Hayden into the interrogation room, where Agent Grimes is waiting for him.)

Grimes: Now that you've had your bathroom break, I'm going to ask you again: where are Brennan and the fugitives?

Hayden: I don't know.

Grimes: Wrong answer.

(Grimes punches Hayden in the face.)

Grimes: Whoo! I haven't gotten to do that for a long time!

(Hayden wipes away the blood coming from his nose.)

Hayden: You think I'm scared of you? Because I'm not.

Grimes: I'm sure a few more blows will fix that.

(Just as Grimes is about to land another punch, someone pulls his hand back. Grimes turns around to find out it's David Cohen.)

Cohen: That's enough.

Grimes: You said I could do this my way.

Cohen: I changed my mind. Go outside. Get a breath of fresh air.

(Grimes grumbles as he leaves the interrogation room. Cohen sighs and follows him out, leaving Hayden sitting in the room alone.)

xat.com/sbcommunity

(ding dong)

 Omair: cha <3

 Cha: hey guys

 hilaryfan80: Glad to see you back on Xat

 Cha: thanks

 Cha: srry for getting you demoted again

 hilaryfan80: Nah, it's fine

 hilaryfan80: Besides

 hilaryfan80: We still have Bubby Buddy 

 hilaryfan80: WHAT TEAM

 Bubble Buddy: WILDCATS

 hilaryfan80: WHAT TEAM

 Bubble Buddy: WILDCATS

 hilaryfan80: WILDCATS

 Bubble Buddy: GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

 hilaryfan80: I'll never stop loving that

 Cha: Abney's still upset about ISB, though

 Cha: And more of our members are flocking to it

 jjs: Yeah, we're starting to lose members to it, too

 jjs: I don't see the point in it myself

(ding dong)

 Bubble Buddy has made PoofieGook a member

 jjs: who you

PoofieGook: a

PoofieGook: asdf

PoofieGook: asdfghjkl;

 jjs has banned PoofieGook forever

 jjs: wtf

 hilaryfan80: Look what he just changed his name to

 hilaryfan80: ISBRULEZ

 SOF: ew isb

 jjs: SOF knows what's going on

[JCM]

Episode 28

New Jersey (1966)

(The van passes a sign saying “You Are Now Entering North Bergen”. John Brennan, who is staring out the window, gasps when he sees it.)

Brennan: Hey, I remember growing up here! (to CDCB) Think we can make a stop at my old place?

CDCB: Just tell me which way to go.

Edgar: Wait a minute! I know enough about time travel to know that meeting yourself in the past can lead to paradoxes!

Brennan: Blah blah blah! It’s not like I’m going to talk to ten-year-old me! I’m just going to have a look around.

Edgar: Fine, but after that, it’s straight to Cambridge.

Brennan: I’m your superior! You don’t tell me what to do!

Edgar: As long as we’re in 1966, we’re equals.

CDCB: Don’t make me turn this van around! (chuckles) I’ve always wanted to say that.

(After a few minutes of driving, the van stops by a house on a hill.)

Brennan: It's much smaller than I remember it, though of course it is.

(Brennan leaves the van and walks around the house. CDCB follows him.)

Brennan: I haven’t been here in over 20 years, you know. After my father died, it hurt too much. What I’d give to hear his voice again.

(Brennan hears muffling behind a wall. He puts his ear close to it and smiles.)

Voice 1: Johnny, you know it’s past your bedtime. Why are you still up?

Voice 2: Sorry, dad. I was just reading the latest Ranger Rick comic book. He goes on so many great adventures! When I grow up, I want to go on adventures.

Voice 1: I’m sure you will, but right now you need to go to sleep.

Voice 2: Okay, dad. Can I just finish these last few pages?

Voice 1: (pauses) Sure.

Voice 2: Thank you, thank you! I promise I won’t stay up past my bedtime any more after this!

Voice 1: You better now. And I better not hear about you sleeping in class.

Voice 2: You won’t! I promise!

(Brennan’s face is covered in tears now.)

CDCB: Are you alright, Mr. Brennan?

Brennan: Yeah, I’m fine. I won’t keep you any longer. This is just something I felt I had to do.

(CDCB nods, and they walk back to the van. After the van drives off, another van appears just moments later, and two men in black suits and sunglasses come out of it. They walk up to the house, and after knocking on the door, a woman opens it.)

Woman: May I help you?

Agent 1: Are you the owner of this residence?

Woman: No, but I’m his wife.

Agent 2: Can we ask you and your husband a couple of questions? (takes out a badge) We’re with the CIA.

Woman: Oh, uh, Owen!

Voice: Yes, Dorothy?

Dorothy: Men from the CIA are here to talk to us!

Voice: CIA? Well, alright, then! I’ll be there!

Dorothy: Mind telling me what this is about?

Agent 1: You’ll find out in good time.

Virginia (2016)

(David Cohen enters the lab to find JCM tapping mindlessly at a keyboard.)

Cohan: Jeez, son. The others left an hour ago. Why are you still here?

JCM: I just needed to… (yawns) Finish up another program.

Cohen: Man, you’re really dedicated, aren’t you?

JCM: I guess.

Cohen: As you know, there’s an opening for head lab technician. How’d you like to fill it?

JCM: Me? I’ve been here for a day!

Cohen: And you seem to care more about this stuff than anyone else working here. If you want the job, it’s yours.

JCM: I don’t know.

Cohen: You’ll make a hundred times the salary.

JCM: I’ll take it!

Cohen: Good. Now go home and get some sleep.

JCM: Yes, sir!

(JCM saves the program then walks out of the lab with Cohen.)

xat.com/sbcommunity  

(ding dong)

 jjs: yoCM

 JCM: yo

 JCM: has sbc fallen into disarray without me yet?

 jjs: No

 jjs: But ISB pricks are spamming Xat

 JCM: what?

(ding dong)

 abney: The deal's off

 abney: I'm banning JCM's ass right now

 JCM: what the crap did i do?

 abney: Your ISB people spammed up our chatroom

 abney: If Aya wasn't there to ban them it would have gotten messy

 JCM: Aya can ban people now?

 abney: Yes

 abney: She's a chatmod

 JCM: SBM has chatmods now?

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 Omair: you really need to keep up with the times jcm

 JCM: coming from sbm's premier spammer

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 abney: Can someone turn that off?

 Omair: I haven't spammed in years

 Omair: 

 Omair: dangit not again

 Omair: just roll your mouse over it

 JCM: OutOfDateCM?

 JCM: that's not even clever

 Omair: you're not even clever

 abney: Can we get back to the matter at hand?

 jjs: Yeah, ISB is getting to be a real problem

 jjs: They spammed us too

 jjs: And they're stealing some of our members

 JCM: that's just fewer people for you to moderate

 JCM: you shouldn't be complaining about that as the only admin

 jjs: If you didn't help make ISB in the first place I wouldn't be the only admin

 jjs: And SBC's doing fine without you btw

JCM: whatever

 JCM: i'll talk to the ISB folks

 JCM: just don't ban me from SBM again

 Bubble Buddy: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 abney: grr

 hilaryfan80: I'm working on it

 JCM: oh

 JCM: i almost forgot to tell you guys

 JCM: the cia just promoted me to head lab technician

 Omair: grats

 jjs: Weren't you just accepted to that internship this morning?

 JCM: yeah

 JCM: it happened pretty fast

 abney: You work for the CIA?

 abney: I read something about their director just disappearing

 abney: Along with the Fugitive Four

 JCM: is that what they're being called?

 Omair: you're really behind the times jcm

 JCM: well whatever they're being called not all of them disappeared

 JCM: hayden's still being held for questioning

 abney: What?

 abney: Do you know when he'll be released?

 JCM: not any time soon, probably

 abney: Interesting

 hilaryfan80: Alright, you can now say "SBM" again

 Omair: sbm <3

 JCM: Shhh! Don't say the S word here!

 hilaryfan80: JCM...

 JCM: what?

 JCM: abney threatened to ban me

 JCM: i won't resist a chance to troll him

 jjs: he just left anyway

 JCM: i should probably do the same

 JCM: can't have the isb folks stirring up any more trouble

cytu.be/r/sbm

 Torts: Jicem!

 Torts: the man

 Torts: the myth

 Torts: the legend

Jicem: whose idea was it to spam sbc and sbm?

 BMC: it was mine

 BMC: i thought it'd be a fun way to get a rise out of them

Jicem: well it worked

Jicem: and now i'm getting crap from both sides

 Torts: just ignore them

 Torts: you can stick with us

 Torts: 

Jicem: i don't want to stick with you

Jicem: or whatever that is

Jicem: just leave the other spongebob forums alone

 BMC: make us bitch

Jicem: i make a skin for y'all and you treat me like that?

 BMC: thanks for the skin but don't tell us what to do

 BMC: we'll promote isb however we see fit

Jicem: well i can't say i didn't try

 fredphelps: Who just requested ten hours of interior crocodile alligator?

Jicem: 

Jicem: have fun

(7/7/16)

Virginia (2016)

(A man walks into Cohen's office.)

Cohen: Hello. May I ask why you're here?

Man: I'm here to provide the fugitive you're holding with legal representation.

Cohen: (surprised) And your name?

Man: Beck Abney.

[Joe Biden]

The thing is, I would've approved of him playing "10 hour Interior Crocodile Alligator".

[JCM]

12 hours ago, Fred Rechid said:

The thing is, I would've approved of him playing "10 hour Interior Crocodile Alligator".

Fun fact: Cy goes over an hour into the video before skipping.

[JCM]

Episode 29 

Virginia (2016) 

(Cohen and Abney are still in Cohen's office.) 

Cohen: Listen, Mr. Abney, I don't know who you think we have, but you should know that this is federal property and I can have you charged for trespassing! 

Abney: Really? How would you like it if word got out that you have a member of the Fugitive Four in your custody when you claimed that the entire Fugitive Four disappeared with John Brennan? 

Cohen: Where did you hear that? 

Abney: It doesn't matter. What does matter is that if the public found out you've been lying to them, it wouldn't look very good for your agency, and I'm sure the last thing you need right now is more bad press. 

Cohen: What do you want? 

Abney: I want my client sent to a proper facility to await trail for any charges you plan to bring against him. 

Cohen: (sighs) Fine. We weren't getting much from him anyway. 

(Cohen and Abney walk into the interrogation room. Hayden is sleeping on the table. Cohen shakes him until he wakes up.) 

Hayden: Huh? 

Cohen: It seems your lawyer found you. 

Hayden: I don't have a lawyer. 

Abney: You do now. 

(Abney extends a hand.) 

Abney: Name's Beck Abney. 

Hayden: (shakes Abney's hand) I feel like I've heard that name before. 

Abney: Wait a minute...where'd you get that black eye from? 

Hayden: (points to Cohen) One of that guy's thugs.

Abney: Did he even read you your rights before he brought you here?

Hayden: Now that I think about it, I don't think he did.

Cohen: Uh...we should probably get going now.

(Cohen grabs Hayden by the arm and storms out of the room with him. As they leave the building, they push aside JCM, who has just walked in.) 

JCM: Whoa! Where are y'all going? 

Cohen: To New York! Tell anyone who asks that I'll be back by the end of the day! 

JCM: Okay. 

(As JCM heads to the lab, he passes Abney, who's following Cohen and Hayden out the building.) 

JCM: Hmm. Don't remember seeing him around here yesterday. 

(JCM shrugs as he enters the lab.) 

Massachusetts (1966) 

(CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar walk into the campus of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.) 

CF: Wow! It's so big! 

CDCB: That's what she said. 

CF: Seriously? You're doing that here? 

CDCB: Sorry. Couldn't help myself. 

Edgar: Building 20 should be right ahead. 

(They walk into a building and walk around inside it until Edgar finds the office of Professor James Campbell.) 

Edgar: If anyone will know how to get us out of this mess, it's Professor Campbell. He's been obsessed with time travel longer than I've been alive.  

(They enter the office to find Campbell grading papers.) 

Campbell: Hello? 

Edgar: Hi, Professor Campbell.  

Campbell: I don't recognize you as one of my students. Have you been showing up to class?  

Edgar: No. I mean, I do show up to class, but I'm not one of your students yet. 

Campbell: What do you mean? 

Edgar: I mean we're from the future. 

Campbell: Yeah, right. Did Stephen put you up to this? I’ve been pranked by him before.

CDCB: No! We are from the future! And I can prove it!

(CDCB takes a cell phone out of his pocket, turns it on, and give it to Campbell.)

Campbell: (swiping through the phone) My God! I’ve never seen anything like this before.

Trophy: (to CDCB) How did you sneak that past Helms’ security guards?

CDCB: You don’t want to know.

(Campbell gives CDCB the phone back.)

CDCB: Holy shit! It’s almost out of battery.

(CDCB turns the phone off then pockets it.)

Campbell: Alright, I believe you. To what do I owe this pleasure?

CDCB: We're trying to get back to the present...our present...and Edgar said you might be able to help us. 

Campbell: How did you travel to this time period in the first place?  

CF: We don’t know. One moment we were in our time, next we were in 1966.

Campbell: (scratches chin) Hmm. I do have something that could help you, but whether it will work depends more on luck than anything else.

Edgar: What is it?

(Campbell takes a telephone-like device out from under his desk.)

Campbell: This is what I call my temporal phone. It works like a telephone, but instead of simply converting sound waves to electronic signals, as we all know traditional phones do…

Trophy: (scoffs) Yeah, like we all know!

(Everybody looks at Trophy with confusion.)

Trophy: What? I slept through science class.

Campbell: Anyway, after converting sounds waves to electronic signals, it uses those electronic signals to ride the temporal flow, or the flow of time. After it reaches its temporal destination, it converts those electronic signals to sound waves again, and suddenly, we have an inter-temporal conversation.

Trophy: English, please?

Campbell: It lets us talk to people in the future and the past. See this rotary dial on it? For a regular telephone, you would use that rotary dial to input a phone number, but for the temporal phone, you use it to input a month, day, and year, and then the phone calls itself at this time on that month, day, and year.

CF: Have you gotten this “temporal phone” to work yet?

Campbell: I have. I’ve made several calls to future me, but for some reason, I can’t get any calls after January 1, 1998 to work. I don’t know if that’s due to a problem with the phone itself or if something else happened on that day to keep me from answering these calls.

Edgar: (thinks) 1998? That’s when this building was demolished!

Campbell: D-demolished?

Edgar: Oh, yeah. Sorry, but they tear this place down that year.

Campbell: (pauses) Well, I guess that would be a pretty good explanation. What year did you all come from?

CF: 2016.

Campbell: I definitely remember trying a few dates from that year, as I did every year from 1998 to 2018. After that didn’t work, I assumed I had just died or something.

Edgar: I can assure you, you’re alive and well in 2016 at least.

Campbell: That’s good to know.

(CDCB looks under the temporal phone.)

CDCB: This phone is way cooler than mine! Why haven’t I heard about it?

Campbell: If my reason in your time is the same as my reason now, it’s because I don’t know what would happen if lots of people communicated through temporal flow at once, and it isn’t something I’d want to risk. I’m sure if I got a patent and sold it to a company, I’d make lots of money, but I have more than enough money right now, and this is little more than a passion project for me.

Trophy: Well, hopefully your passion project can get us where we belong.

CDCB: When we belong, you mean?

Trophy: I don’t have time for you.

Brennan: What are we waiting for? Let’s start putting dates into that thing!

Campbell: First, I need to visit someone.

Brennan: Really?

Campbell: It’s related to this. Come on. Just follow me.

(Campbell leads the others to MIT’s Electrical Engineering building. There, in one of the rooms, Martin Graetz is writing something next to a large machine.)

Campbell: Hey, Martin, you think you can boot up that program you made for me?

Graetz: Sure. Who are those guys?

Campbell: Just some of my students. They wanted to see the PDP-1 in action.

Graetz: (chuckles) Well, you kids are lucky! This is the most advanced minicomputer on the market right now.

Trophy: Minicomputer? There’s nothing “mini” about that thing.

Graetz: You should see the ones that came before it.

Campbell: He designed a program for me that allows me to grab random dates from up to 100 years into the future. Hey, Martin, can you print out a listing of dates from 2016 that I haven’t grabbed yet?

Graetz: Sure thing!

(Graetz types something in a typewriter, and lights on the computer start flashing.)

Graetz: It’ll be ready in a couple minutes.

Campbell: Thanks.

Graetz: No problem. So, what are you all majoring in?

Trophy: Uhh...math?

Graetz: You look a little young to go school here.

Trophy: I was so smart they let me graduate early.

Graetz: (chuckles) Well, you’ll find no shortage of smart people here. (points to CF) What’s the girl’s name?

Edgar: Stay away from her! She’s mine!

CDCB: I thought she was mine.

CF: I don’t belong to either of you!

Graetz: Whoa, there! I wasn’t trying to start anything. I just don’t see a lot of women around. Heck, we didn’t get our first girls’ dormitory until a few years ago.

CF: I have a lot of brothers, so I’m honestly more comfortable around guys than I am around girls at this point.

Graetz: Cool.

(The typewriter starts printing out papers filled with numbers.)

Greatz: There you go.

Campbell: (grabbing papers) Thanks again!

Greatz: No problem. I always love enlightening the next generation of scientists.

(After retrieving all the papers, Campbell returns to his office with the others.)

Brennan: What was that about?

Campbell: I try to avoid calling the same date more than once, just to stay on the safe side. That’s why I went to Martin to print out dates from 2016 I haven’t called yet.

Trophy: Does he know about the time phone or whatever you call it?

Campbell: No. Only you guys know. And Martin knows better than to ask questions at this point. We’ve been friends for years, and the one thing we don’t talk about is research. So, where should we start?

Brennan: July 6 was the last day we were in our own time, so we should start there.

CDCB: You mean then.

Brennan: I mean I’ll punch your lights out if you open that loud mouth of yours again.

(Campbell picks up the phone and moves its rotary dial eight times.)

Campbell: Okay, I’m calling July 6, the year of our Lord two thousand and sixteen.

(After several minutes of waiting, he puts the phone back down.)

Campbell: No answer.

Trophy: Maybe you just weren’t there to hear it.

Campbell: I’m always in my office at this time. That hasn’t changed since I’ve been here, and I doubt it’ll change 50 years from now.

Brennan: Lots of things change in 50 years!

Campbell: I said this would rely on luck. All we can do now is try the next day.

(Brennan, CDCB, CF, Trophy, and Edgar watch anxiously as Campbell picks the phone back up, moves its rotary dial again, then waits.)

Massachusetts (2016)

(An older James Campbell is sitting on a couch in his apartment, watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show, when the landline phone next to him starts ringing.)

Campbell: (picks the phone up) Hello?

(The Stanford student from Episode 26 is on the other end.)

Student: He failed me! I can’t believe he failed me!

Campbell: Who failed you? Slow down.

Student: My professor! He said he liked the “theatrics” of my presentation, but it failed to use any “actual science”.

Campbell: (shakes head) I told you it was risky.

Student: I don’t understand why people are so close-minded. If you told the world what you had been through, people would never doubt time travel’s existence ever again!

Campbell: It’s in the past, and I’d prefer it stay that way.

Student: But you’re still taking the...you know...out today, right?

Campbell: Yes, I am. Right after this episode of Andy Griffith is over.

Student: I still can’t believe you never watched it when it was originally on.

Campbell: I was too busy with work to bother with television. It’s a shame. I missed out on a lot.

Student: Well, I won’t interrupt your television viewing any further. Call you again, Uncle James.

Campbell: Hope you do.

(The student hangs up, and Campbell slowly puts the phone back down. After he’s finished watching television, Campbell walks to his room and pulls the temporal phone out from under his bed.)

Campbell: It’s almost time, boy.

(Campbell blows the dust off of the temporal phone, and just a moment later, it starts ringing. Campbell picks it up.)

Campbell: Hello?

Massachusetts (1966) 

Campbell: Hello?

[JCM]

Episode 30

Virginia (2016) 

(JCM is in the lab, waiting for a decryption to complete, when Cohen walks in.)

JCM: How was New York?

Cohen: Stressful. I'll have to go back for a hearing next week.

JCM: Who was that guy you left with?

Cohen: Some lawyer. Beck Abney? I'm sure you don't know him.

(JCM's eyes widen.)

JCM: (nervous) Yep, you're right! Never heard of him!

Cohen: Yeah, he came into my office demanding I release the fugitive. How did he even know I had him? Nobody outside of this building should have known.

(JCM starts sweating.)

Cohen: It doesn't matter. Now that the fugitive's out of our hands, it's more crucial than ever that we know what the aliens are up to. What have you been working on?

JCM: I'm decrypting this communication we intercepted.

Cohen: Well, put it on hold. There's something I need to show you.

(JCM follows Cohen out the lab and into an elevator. Cohen pushes the button to take them to the bottom floor, and once they're on that floor, they walk down a long hallway to a door that has a fingerprint scanner beside it. Cohen presses his thumb onto the fingerprint scanner, and it lights up. A few seconds later, the door opens.)

Cohen: Come on.

(JCM and Cohen walk into a dark room. The lights automatically turn on, revealing a large spaceship in front of them.)

JCM: What the?

Cohen: I didn't want to show you this until we got Brennan back. It's not that I don't trust you. I just wanted to make sure Brennan would be okay with this.

JCM: Does this ship belong to...

Cohen: The aliens? Yes, it does. We had agents scour the whole world looking for pieces, and we found the last ones just a couple days ago. Still, we don't know how to get it up and running, and that's where we'll need your help.

JCM: I don't know the first thing about alien technology. I don't know how I could possibly help you.

Cohen: You know servers, though, right?

JCM: Yeah.

Cohen: Since Lizard Squad was able to take down this ship's force field by hacking into that chat site's servers, I imagine the chat site is connected to this ship in some way. If you can find that connection, we might be able to learn more about the aliens.

JCM: I can try.

(JCM and Cohen walk into the spaceship and head towards its cockpit. There, a small monitor is positioned under the front window.)

Cohen: We’ve reassembled the spaceship to the best of our abilities, but we haven’t been able to get some things, like that monitor working.

(JCM studies the monitor carefully.)

JCM: Hmm. Do you have a laser pointer on you?

(Cohen takes a pen out of his shirt pocket.)

Cohen: Yeah. Why?

(JCM takes the pen, turns it on, and shines its red light at the monitor, revealing the outline of a fingerprint.)

Cohen: A fingerprint scanner! Just like the one I used to get in here! Why didn't I think of that? And how did you know to use my laser pen on it?

JCM: Partly a hunch, partly a result of reading way too many science fiction novels.

Cohen: You don’t know how much of a help you’ve been. Now all I need to do is get the body of that alien back from where we’ve been storing it.

JCM: Where have you been storing it?

Cohen: That’s above your pay grade, I’m sorry to tell you. Now, you should probably get going. I’ll stay behind and arrange for the body to be brought here. Meet me down here tomorrow morning. Got it?

JCM: Yes, sir.

(JCM walks out of the spaceship and out of the room.)

Massachusetts (1966)

(Campbell calls his future self on the temporal phone as everyone around him watches.)

Campbell: Hello? Is this me?

Future Campbell: (voice) Yes. It’s you.

Campbell: Why haven’t you been picking up until now?

Future Campbell: (voice) I took a break. I hope you understand. My heart just wasn’t in it any more.

Campbell: Because of Building 20 getting...torn down?

Future Campbell: Yeah, that was part of it, but that was something I expected. Everything else that happened, not so much.

Campbell: What are you talking about?

Future Campbell: The less you know, the better. I don’t want to keep secrets, but telling you what will happen will cause you to look at certain people differently, to treat them differently, and I wouldn’t want to deprive you of the joy I had with those people.

Campbell: I understand. Anyway, the reason I called you is because…

Future Campbell: Because of the time travelers who are currently in the room with you. I know.

Campbell: You do? Oh, oh! Of course you do! Do you know how they get back?

Future Campbell: Yes. They find the device that brought them to your time period and use it to return to my time period.

Edgar: What did he say? How do we get back?

Future Campbell: Is that Edgar? Put Edgar on the line, will you?

(Campbell gives the phone to Edgar.)

Edgar: Professor Campbell?

Future Campbell: Oh, Edgar! How has your work at the CIA been going?

Edgar: It’s been going.

Future Campbell: Good, good.

Edgar: Is this why you singled me out in class all those years ago?

Future Campbell: Yes. I wanted to make sure you’d look for me as soon as you got stuck in 1966.

Edgar: Why didn’t you just tell me this would happen?

Future Campbell: Because I didn’t want you to think I was insane. It was work enough just to get you to believe in time travel. That’s why I never tried it with the other students.

Edgar: Well, I definitely believe in time travel now.

Future Campbell: (chuckles) I’m sure you do. Well, I hope you get back to the present safe.

Edgar: Can’t you just call yourself in the future to make sure of that?

Future Campbell: I can, but what’s the fun in that?

(Edgar laughs.)

Future Campbell: Alright, I’d like to talk to younger me again, if you don’t mind.

Edgar: Of course not.

(Edgar gives the phone back to Campbell.)

Campbell: Will he be a good student?

Future Campbell: He’ll be my best student.

Edgar: What did he say?

Campbell: Aren’t we a little nosy?

Future Campbell: Give him my best regards.

Campbell: I will. So, you said all they have to do is find the time traveling device that took them here?

Future Campbell: Yes. I wish I could go into more detail, but my memory is spotty after all these years.

Campbell: Do you remember if I go with them?

Future Campbell: Yes! We do go with them! And it’s somewhere in...Texas, I think.

Campbell: Texas?

CF: Texas?

Brennan: Texas?

Future Campbell: Yes, Texas. That’s all I have, unfortunately.

Campbell: It’s more than we had before I called you. Thank you so much.

Future Campbell: Don’t think twice about it. Just enjoy life, because the years will be gone (snaps) just like that.

Campbell: I will. So, is this where we say goodbye?

Future Campbell: Jesus, you’re making it sound like I’m your lover in a romance. Yeah, I’m saying goodbye now. Goodbye!

Campbell: Goodbye.

(Future Campbell hangs up.)

CDCB: So, I guess we’re going to Texas.

Trophy: Again.

Campbell: And I’m going with you.

Brennan: This isn’t how I planned to find that alien server, but whatever gets the job done.

Trophy: Can we leave the old guy here?

CDCB: I’m seriously thinking about it.

Campbell: Get along, boys. We have a long road trip ahead of us.

New York (2016)

(Hayden walks into his jail cell in the Metropolitan Correctional Center of New York. His cellmate is sitting on the top bunk of their bunk bed.)

Cellmate: Yo, you picked the best cell to get assigned to. I can get you anything: porn, cigarettes, porn, burner phones, porn, shivs, and...

Hayden: Let me guess, porn?

Cellmate: Yo, you’re like a mind reader! I think we’ll get along just fine.

Hayden: Yeah.

(Hayden sits on the bottom bunk.)

Cellmate: Yo, I know it’s a cliché and all, but what are you in for?

Hayden: It’s a looong story.

[JCM]

Episode 31

xat.com/sbcommunity  

(ding dong)

 Bubble Buddy: Hello one and all!

 JCM: put a sock in it

 JCM: where's abney?

 jjs: Not here

 SOF: BREAKING NEWS

 SOF: HAY HAS BEEN FOUND

 JCM: he was never lost in the first place

 JCM: that's what i wanted to talk to abney about

 JCM: he showed up to the cia and got my boss to release him

 jjs: How did he do that?

 JCM: he's apparently a lawyer

 jjs: Shit

 jjs: Not even I knew that about him

 JCM: if my boss finds out I told abney about hayden's whereabouts he'll fire me

 jjs: Isn't it worth getting Hay out of there, though?

 jjs: I can't imagine the CIA was treating him very well if they were hiding the fact they had him

 JCM: well i guess

 JCM: i just wish abney told me first

 jjs: Well, I know you said you aren't interested in SBC anymore

 jjs: But are you sure you don't want to do anything for the Super Spongy Square Games?

 jjs: Fred is carrying the team without you and Trophy

Fred: can confirm

 Fred: back hurts

 JCM: sorry fred

 JCM: sbc is just a phase of my life i'd rather move on from

 jjs: Well, if you ever change your mind

 jjs: 

 JCM: xat apparently blocks sbc now

 jjs: What?

 jjs: Lame

 JCM: !love xat & sbc

 Bubble Buddy: Love test: xat and sbc are 0% compatible.

 JCM: true dat

 jjs: How did your talk with the ISB members go?

 JCM: not good

 JCM: isb is a problem you're just going to have to deal with unfortunately

 JCM: but i'll have nothing to do with them from here on out

 JCM: or any spongebob forum

 JCM: i'm done

 jjs: Like you were done with Jeopardy those six times you retired?

 JCM: it was two times

 JCM: and i'm done with that too

 Fred: just know that if i kick you out of the bgs you can't return 

 Fred: unless you ask nicely

 Fred: i'm desperate for help

(ding dong)

 JCM: THERE YOU ARE

 JCM: oh it's just kat

 Katniss: hello to you too

 JCM: sorry

 JCM: I was just expecting someone

 Katniss: who?

 JCM: abney

 JCM: i told him the cia had hayden yesterday and now he's apparently hayden's legal representative

 Katniss: abney's a lawyer?

 JCM: i'm just as surprised as you are

 Katniss: I feel kinda bad for hay but sbc has been so much better without him

 Katniss: and I like being able to go on xat without someone calling me "katpiss"

 Fred: hey katpiss

 Fred: join the band geeks

 Katniss: I already said no 

 JCM: you're doing a bang up job as leader fred

 Fred: if you want the position from me take it

(ding dong)

 Omair: cha <3

 JCM: where the crap did you come from evil

 JCM: do you just hang around all day waiting for cha to appear

 Omair: whos evil

 Cha: bad news guys

 Cha: the sbm admins have gotten so tired of isb's spamming that they voted to ban everyone involved with cytube and isb

 Cha: including jcm and fred

 Fred: what?

 JCM: i'm tired of abney and sbm

 JCM: can you get in touch with abney now, cha?

 Cha: yeah

 JCM: tell him to get on here if he doesn't want me to use the cia's servers to wipe sbm from existence tomorrow

 Cha: okay

 Fred: I just go on cy for the dank memes

 Fred: why must I be punished for liking dank memes?

 Omair: the world is unjust i know

(ding dong)

 abney: You wanted me?

 JCM: boy do we have a lot to talk about

 JCM: how long have you been a lawyer?

 abney: My dad's a lawyer

 abney: I've been looking for a case like this to show him what I'm capable of

 abney: Thanks for the tip, by the way

 JCM: screw you

 JCM: if you were actually thankful you wouldn't have banned me

 abney: You said you'd tell the ISB people to stop spamming us but since then their spamming has actually increased

 JCM: i did tell them to stop and they didn't listen

 JCM: can't control that

 abney: Well, we had to do something to encourage the SBMers to stay as far away from those toxic people and their toxic sites

 abney: We banned ISB's admins as soon as the spamming started but they've been inundating us with sockpuppets

 abney: We had to ban the creation of new accounts temporarily

 JCM: that sucks but you shouldn't punish fred for it

 JCM: if you want to ban me, that's fine

 JCM: i left all the spongebob forums anyway

 Fred: I agree

 Fred: you should totally unban me

 JCM: thanks for having my back fred

 Fred: I still haven't forgiven you for abandoning our team

 JCM: i hope the band geeks lose by 20

 abney: Okay

 abney: I'll unban Fred if he agrees to leave cytube

 Fred: but the dank memes...

 abney: You'll have to get your dank memes somewhere else

 Fred: fine

 abney: JCM, you're too connected to ISB at this point to unban

 abney: Sorry

 abney: And I mean that

 JCM: suck a dick

 abney: Well that's mature

 abney: If you're going to talk to me like that I'll just leave

 JCM: then leave

 JCM: i've said all i want to say to you

 JCM: and if I get fired because of your crap i'm taking sbm down with me

 Cha: pls no

 JCM: sorry cha

 JCM: it's apparently okay to punish people for what sites they're associated with now

 Omair: aww cha left

 JCM: at least abney's gone too

 jjs: Why did you spend all that time trying to talk to abney just to run him off?

 JCM: i don't know

 JCM: it's a stressful time in my life

 JCM: goodbye

Massachusetts (1966)

(CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, Edgar, and Campbell walk into Campbell's apartment.)

Campbell: You all can wait here until we leave tomorrow morning.

CDCB: I call TV!

(CDCB jumps on the couch and turns on the television.)

Announcer: This...is the Twilight Zone.

CDCB: Ooh, I love this episode!

Campbell: How can you know about it? The episode's new...oh, right.

Brennan: (pats Campbell on the back) Don't worry. We're all still getting used to it.

[JCM]

Episode 32

Massachusetts (1966)

(Trophy is now on the couch with CDCB watching Twilight Zone. Brennan turns the television off.)

CDCB: Hey! I was watching that!

Trophy: Yeah, I like this Twilight Zone show. It's bizarre, yet interesting.

Brennan: That stuff will rot your brains. Now, go to sleep. We'll be getting up early for our trip to Texas, and I don't want you two whining.

Trophy: Can't we make a stop in Philadelphia first? I've always wanted to watch the 76ers with Wilt.

CDCB: Wilt was a real person? I thought that was just a Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends character.

Trophy: Never talk to me again, CD.

Brennan: (confused) CD? Never mind. And no, we can't make any stops. I don't know how crazy things are getting in the present without me.

(7/8/16)

Virginia (2016)

(JCM is watching television in his apartment and eating cereal.)

Reporter: Presidential candidate Donald Trump is claiming that the Obama administration is hiding information about the aliens that attacked us last year.

Donald Trump: There's more out there. There's gotta be more out there, and the government isn't telling us. You should all be scared, for your children, for your families. Also, buy my Trump-branded steak! So good the FDA won't even approve it!

Reporter: We asked an FDA official to comment on Trump's claims.

FDA official: About the aliens?

Reporter: No, about the steaks.

FDA official: Well, you shouldn't eat them. They've tested positive for literally every foodborne illness. If you eat them, you'll probably die.

Reporter: You've heard it here first, folks. Even if you want to vote for Trump, you probably won't want to eat his steaks.

JCM: (shakes head) The news is just getting worse and worse.

(JCM leaves the apartment and gets onto a bus. An hour later, he's back in the reassembled spaceship with Cohen, who now has the dead alien with him.)

Cohen: That storage facility did a great job at preserving the alien's body. It looks just like it did when it was brought here.

JCM: You guys haven't dissected it yet?

Cohen: No, we've captured one of these guys before. A couple of them, actually. It was in the 60s, way before your time. Myself, I was a baby when it happened. The CIA first thought the alien landing was a Soviet trick, and they spent months interrogating them trying to figure out what they were really here for.

JCM: By interrogate...

Cohen: Yes, I mean torture. Once they accepted that the aliens were real, they let the aliens return to their home planet, on the condition that they left one on Earth to be dissected.

JCM: That seems a little harsh.

Cohen: They were trying to ensure that our world would be prepared for any future invasions.

JCM: Look how well that turned out.

Cohen: We beat them, didn't we?

JCM: Yeah, through the lucky intervention of hackers.

Cohen: It doesn't matter. Once we find out the secrets of this spaceship, we won't have to worry about the next alien attack.

JCM: You're that confident?

Cohen: I feel like we're so close, and this is the missing piece of the puzzle.

(Cohen picks up the alien's right hand.)

Cohen: The slimy, sickly, beautiful missing piece of the puzzle.

(Cohen presses one of the alien's three fingers onto the monitor, and a 3D model of Earth appears on the monitor.)

JCM: Oh, goody. A geography lesson.

Cohen: Not just any geography lesson.

(Cohen puts two fingers on the screen and moves the fingers apart to zoom in on Texas, where there's a glowing green dot. He taps the dot, and a series of symbols appear over it.)

JCM: Those must be coordinates.

Cohen: Coordinates to the location of the alien server! We've done it!

JCM: But how are we supposed to translate it?

Cohen: I'll get some guys to translate it. Don't worry about that. Thank you so much for your help!

(Cohen hugs JCM.)

Cohen: (whispering) And I hope it goes without saying that our...history with the aliens stays between us.

JCM: (smiles) Of course.

New York (2016)

(Hayden is laying on the bottom bunk bed in his jail cell, playing wth a paddle ball.)

Cellmate: How are you liking that toy I smuggled?

Hayden: It's a way to pass the time.

(The jail cell opens, and Abney walks in.)

Abney: I've got good news. Your bail hearing happens tomorrow.

Hayden: It'd be better news if I was getting released for good.

Cellmate: What? You don't like being around me? After all I've done for you?

Hayden: All you've done for me is get me a paddle ball.

Cellmate: And I had to trade a cigarette to get it! Do you know how valuable cigarettes are around here?

Hayden: All right, thank you, but I'm not interested in being in a box for the rest of my life.

Cellmate: (sniffs) I see how it is.

Abney: Ookay then. I'll see you tomorrow at the courthouse.

(Abney walks away.)

Cellmate: (choked up) Don't ask me for any more shit after today.

Hayden: Jesus, are you crying?

Massachusetts (1966)

(Campbell walks out of his room with Brennan and Edgar.)

Campbell: Sorry for cramming you two in there. I only had that room and my roommate's room. Thankfully, my roommate is doing research overseas, so I could put the girl in there.

CF: (inside the room) I have a name, you know!

Campbell: Sorry.

(Trophy and CDCB are watching television on the couch again.)

Brennan: I thought I told you two to turn that off.

Trophy: Uh, Brennan, you might want to see this.

(A picture of Brennan's parents is currently on the television.)

Reporter: ...Dorothy and Owen Brennan, the prime suspects in the case.

Brennan: No, it can't be.

Edgar: How were they able to find your parents?

Brennan: They must have followed us to their home...our home. (covers face) I messed up.

CDCB: Do you think they know about Campbell?

(Trophy looks out the window and finds black vans outside of the apartment.)

Trophy: I think they know.

Edgar: What are we going to do?

Brennan: There's only one thing we can do. Turn ourselves in.

Trophy: I can think of better things we can do, like not get ourselves sent back to the place we just escaped from!

Brennan: But they have my parents.

Trophy: Your parents obviously survive, since you're still here with us.

Campbell: Actually, temporal paradoxes sometimes take a while to affect every aspect of the timeline, sometimes months.

CDCB: Can you explain pretty much that entire thing you just said?

Campbell: Never mind. Our Texas trip clearly isn't happening today. Go get your parents back from whoever those people are. I'll be waiting here until you do.

Edgar: Don't you have a job? 

Campbell: (shrugs) I'll call in sick.

CDCB: CF! You comin' with us?

CF: (inside her room) Yeah! Just let me finish getting dressed.

(Campbell turns his head slightly to the crack in CF's door.)

CDCB: Don't even think about it.

CF: About what?

Campbell: (turns head back) Nothing!

(Brennan takes a picture of himself as a kid with his parents out of his shirt pocket.)

Brennan: Don't worry, mom and dad. I'm coming for you.

[JCM]

Episode 33

Virginia (1966)

(CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar walk into CIA headquarters, handcuffed, with agents on both sides of them.)

Brennan: I almost missed this place.

Trophy: That makes one of us.

(Richard Helms walks out of his office and motions for the agents to follow him down the hall.)

Helms: I hope you enjoyed your vacation. It's the last time you'll be seeing the sunlight for a long time.

CDCB: How's the head?

Helms: (growls) It's fine, no thanks to you.

Brennan: Listen, we're sorry for escaping, but can you let my parents go?

Helms: Those old people we grabbed were your parents? They can't be older than you are!

Brennan: It's a long story.

Helms: Well, you'll have plenty of time to tell us that story while you're being interrogated. And we'll make sure to send you all to different rooms this time.

Trophy: Why didn't you do that the first time?

Helms: We were a little low on interrogation rooms, but that's not a problem anymore.

CF: Why?

CDCB: Yeah, something wild would have to be going on to force you to fill all your interrogation rooms.

Helms: That's another long stoy, one I thankfully don't have to tell you.

(Screams are heard from the laboratory. They aren't human screams, however, but more like the screams a large bird would make while in pain.)

Brennan: What the hell is going on in there?

Helms: That's not for you to worry about. (stops) Here are your rooms.

Brennan: Wait, what about my parents?

Helms: I sent them home as soon as I heard that you were on the way here.

(Brennan breathes a sigh of relief.)

Helms: But don't forget... (leans closer to Brennan) I know where they live.

(After Brennan and the others are led into interrogation rooms, Helms walks into the laboratory.)

Helms: Can't you shut that thing up?

(Lab technicians are standing around a table. On that table is an alien, which looks like a featherless bird.)

Technician: We tried everything we could, but none of the human or veterinary drugs designed to combat pain work on it. Its physiology is just too different from ours.

Helms: When do you think you'll extract something useful from it?

Technician: We've already learning a ton about it. I've written the important stuff down here.

(The technician takes a notepad from under the table and gives it to Helms, who immediatley proceeds ro skim through it.)

Helms: Good, good. President Johnson will be happy to hear about this.

Technician: Have you two talked about...maybe making all of this public?

Helms: Oh, God no. It would cause widespread panic.

Technician: They could come back, though.

Helms: And if they do, we'll be prepared. Now, you do your job and let me do mine. Any more questions?

Technician: (lowers head) No.

Helms: Good. I'll be back.

(Helms walks out of the laboratory. That night, the alien is still laying on the table, but there are no technicians around it. Only one of its eyes are open, with dried blood all around it. The eye is fixated on the knob to the laboratory's door. Suddenly, the knob pops off, and the door opens. The alien carefully descends from the table and crawls out of the laboratory. An agent on night duty spots the alien and points his gun at it.)

Agent: Go back to where you came from, ugly little bastard.

(The alien starts to shake, then it lunges at the agent. Trophy, who is locked into an interrogation room, hears the agent's screams.)

Trophy: What's going on?

(As the alien kills the agent, more agents, alerted by the screams, come out of different rooms. Upon seeing the alien, they take out their guns. The alien shakes again, and the knobs break off of every door in its vicinity. At the same time, the guns fly out of the agents' hands. The agents run away, but the alien easily catches up to them, and more screams echo through the building. Trophy pushes the door of his interrogation room, and it opens. He sees that the knob on the other side of the door has fallen.)

Trophy: Holy shit.

(A decapitated arm slides in front of Trophy.)

Trophy: Holy shit!

(Trophy watches as the alien slashes at the agents around him. He goes to the interrogation room next to his and opens the door.)

CDCB: Is it morning already?

Trophy: CD, you've gotta check this out!

(Minutes later, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar are witnessing the massacre together. Once the alien has killed all of the agents, it wipes the blood off its face and walks out of the building calmly.)

Trophy: I've had plenty of experience with aliens, but I've never seen anything like that.

CF: We have to leave, and leave now. Even if the government knows the truth about what happened tonight, they'll never admit it, and if they can't blame that alien for happened tonight, they'll blame us.

Brennan: So what, are we just going back to Campbell's?

CF: Yes. We need to get back to our time as quickly as possible.

Brennan: What about my parents?

CF: Hope they turn out okay.

Brennan: And if they don't?

(CF shrugs.)

Edgar: I'm sorry, Director Brennan. I agree with her. Staying here won't do us any good.

Brennan: I should have never stopped by our old place. This is on me.

CDCB: No, there's nothing wrong with being sentimetal. If I lost my VHS collection, I don't know what I'd do.

Brennan: Losing your parents is a little different than losing your childhood tapes.

CDCB: (sniffs) To you.

Brennan: Whatever. Let's go.

(Brennan grabs a set of keys from one of the pockets of a dead agent and follows CDCB, CF, Trophy, and Edgar out the building. They get into a black van and proceed to drive to Massachusetts. None of them says a word the whole ride there.)

Texas (2016)

(The alien that escaped from CIA headquarters is crawling through the desert until it reaches a portion of the desert that's charred black with lightning. The alien uses a knife to dig a hole in the black sand, then it gets into the hole and covers itself up with the sand.)

Virginia (2016)

(An agent walks into Cohen's office and gives him a slip of paper with coordinates.)

Agent: Here are those translated coordinates you want, sir.

Cohen: Thank you.

Agent: When are you planning to leave?

Cohen: Tomorrow morning. I already told the lab tech about it. He's gonna come with me, just so we won't have to wait until I'm back for him to start analyzing the server.

Agent: You sure you can trust him?

Cohen: No, I'm not sure, but he's the best option I have right now.

Agent: Well, good luck.

Cohen: Thanks.

(Cohen looks out the window.)

Cohen: I'll need it.

[JCM]

Episode 34

(ding dong)

 jjs: yocm

 JCM: guess where i'm going tomorrow

 SOF: canada?

 JCM: no

 Omair: new york new york?

 JCM: no no

 JCM: i'm going to texas, guys!

 jjs: what for?

 JCM: sorry

 JCM: that's classified

 JCM: jk we're going to find xat's servers

 jjs: they're in texas?

 JCM: yeah, i think cd and the others hid them there

 jjs: why do you think?

 JCM: probably because the cia wants to shut xat down

 SOF: xat is shutting down?

 JCM: not yet it isn't

 jjs: aren't you going to stop them?

 JCM: i don't know

 JCM: i probably should but meh

(ding dong)

 JCM: SG!

 JCM: you picked a perfect time to make your biannual visit to xat!

 SG: I come on more than that

 JCM: okay

 JCM: triannual

 JCM: anyway, i'm going to texas tomorrow!

 SG: cool

 SG: we should arrange a meetup

 JCM: you know if ssj is in the lone star state right now?

 JCM: i've always wanted to see the beard in person

 SG: I can text him and find out

 JCM: you have his number?

 Omair: ooh

 Omair: sg and ssj sitting in a tree

 SG: it's not like that

 JCM: well, find out and let me know

 JCM: i'll pc you my number so you can text me

 JCM: feel free to send all of the embarrassing photos on your phone to me as well

 SG: not gonna happen

 JCM: i thought you trusted me more than that

 JCM: now my feelings are hurt

 SG: I'll text you when I hear from ssj

 JCM: thanks

(ding dong)

 JCM: abney?

 abney: Hey

 JCM: so are you just gonna be a regular here now?

 abney: I thought you guys wanted to know how Hayden was doing

 SOF: not really

 JCM: couldn't care less

 Omair: who's hayden

 abney: Well, he has a bail hearing tomorrow, and I think we have a really good chance

 JCM: well i guess i'd feel kind of guilty if hayden was murdered in prison so try to keep that from happening

 abney: I will

 abney: So

 abney: How are your days going?

 jjs: ...

 jjs: our

 jjs: days?

 JCM: what's going on with you?

 abney: I don't know

 abney: I just feel like I've been unfair with you guys

 abney: Constantly being in the spotlight of your father puts you under a lot of stress

 abney: I feel like that stress is finally coming off of me

 JCM: good for you

 JCM: now go tell someone that cares

 jjs: Come on, JCM

 jjs: You don't need to be a dick to him

 jjs: Be the bigger man

 JCM: you were in diapers when i was in kindergarten

 jjs: Huh?

 JCM: i don't know, it sounded smarter in my head

 JCM: i'm leaving

 JCM: but if you think asking me about my day will make up for all the crap you pulled, you've got another thing coming, abney

 JCM: save hayden, make SBC and SBM friends, i don't care

 JCM: i'm done with you

 abney: Shit

 abney: You try to be the good guy and people still treat you like balls

 jjs: It'll take time

 jjs: For what it's worth, I forgive you

 abney: Thanks jjs

 abney: You were always the one admin I liked

 jjs: I'm also the one admin

 jjs: Kind of thanks you, but it's alright

 jjs: All is forgiven

 abney: Yeah

 Bubble Buddy: Hello one and all!

 abney: Oh, that's still a thing

(7/9/16)

Texas (2016)

(Cohen is driving on the interstate with JCM in the passenger's seat. He passes a sign saying "Welcome to Texas: Drive Friendly - The Texas Way".)

Cohen: Ever been this far west before?

JCM: No, sir.

Cohen: Well, I hope you like it. Wish you didn't have to deal with the Texas heat, though.

JCM: It's nothing compared to the South Carolina heat. Trust me.

Cohen: (chuckles) Y'all have a lot of humidity, though. Once we reach the desert, it won't just be hot, it'll be hot and dry.

JCM: (shrugs) I can handle it.

Cohen: I'll get us some water just in case.

(Cohen drives onto an exit ramp and heads towards a gas station.)

JCM: Hey, when you get the Xat server, what are you going to do with it?

Cohen: The same thing Brennan planned to do with it. Analyze it, then destroy it.

JCM: Oh.

Cohen: You have a problem with that.

JCM: No, of course not. You're the boss.

(JCM tries his best to hide his emotions as they stop at the gas station.)

Massachusetts (1966)

(CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar stop in front of Campbell's apartment, run out of the van, and knock on his door. Campbell opens the door wearing a robe.)

Campbell: You're back!

Edgar: Yeah, and we need to leave now. Stuff went down last night, Baaad stuff.

Campbell: It's a good thing I brought these, then.

(Campbell walks to his car, and the others follow him. He opens his trunk, revealing every type of gun imaginable.)

Brennan: Holy shit.

Campbell: Never hurts to be prepared.

(CDCB takes a gun out of the trunk, twirls it around his trigger finger, then stores it in his pocket.)

CDCB: Oh, yeah. I could get used to this.

Brennan: Put that back before you shoot yourself in the leg.

CDCB: After how long I've worked for you, you still don't trust me with a weapon?

Brennan: No.

(CDCB grumbles as he puts the gun back into the trunk. He squeezes into the back seat of the car with CF, Trophy, and Brennan, while Edgar and Campell sit up front.)

CF: Are you okay with going over the speed limit?

Campbell: (smiles) Ask me something harder.

(The car starts going at over 80 miles per hour, sinking everybody deep into their seats.)

Brennan: As a high ranking government official, I should hate this, but I don't!

Edgar: Enjoy the ride, sir!

(Brennan hoots with joy as the car speeds down the interstate.)