Xat Time Travelers

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Nice, JCM.

[Hayden]

On 6/5/2017 at 10:10 PM, JCM from JCMovies said:

 JCM: couldn't care less

You mean you COULD care less.

 

Edited May 1, 2018 by jjsthekid

[JCM]

Episode 35

New York (2016)

(Hayden and Abney walk into a courthouse, where the judge is already at the bench, and Attorney General Loretta Lynch is at the prosecution's table, reading through documents.)

Judge: Now that the defendants are here, the bail hearing can now proceed.

Lynch: Your honor, that man has already run from justice once. He is a clear flight risk, which is why you cannot grant him bail.

Judge: It's interesting that you say he "ran from justice", because he seemed to have no problem driving all the way to CIA headquarters for interviewing without any type of arrest warrant on him. In fact, he still wasn't officially under arrest when he left, so there wasn't any justice for him to run from.

Lynch: I...wasn't made aware that he wasn't under arrest.

Judge: It's right here in the records. Did you not speak to Mr. Brennan or Mr. Cohen about the defendant's legal status when he fled the CIA?

Lynch: No, I...I just assumed they went through the proper legal process.

Judge: Well, your assumptions are wrong, and legally, he was allowed to leave at any time.

Lynch: But did he know that? If he believed that he was under police custody when he escaped from CIA headquarters, that would establish him as a clear flight risk.

Abney: Allow me to interject, your honor.

Judge: Allowed.

Abney: If I was kidnapped from my home by federal agents and forced to sit in a dark room for hours answering questions about something I didn't know about, I'd want to escape, too. While being held in the detention center legally, he's shown no signs of being a flight risk.

Lynch: Think about what this man charged with. Aiding the enemy. Whether he's a flight risk or not, you can't let him out under such serious charges.

Abney: The only serious thing about the charges is the serious lack of evidence connecting him to what he is charged with.

Judge: Mr. Abney, this is just a bail hearing. We're not discussing the legitimacy of the evidence yet.

Abney: Sorry, your honor.

Judge: That's okay. I've considered both sides of the argument, and I've decided that I will be setting the defendent's bail to $100,000. 

Lynch: What?

Abney: Yes!

Lynch: Your honor, you have to reconsider this.

Judge: The CIA needs to learn that the constitution still applies to them, especailly when dealing with American citizens. This seems like the best way to teach them that.

Hayden: Did I mention that they shot me?

Lynch: Oh, be quiet!

Texas (2016)

(JCM and Cohen walk into a coffee shop.)

Waitress: What'll you be having?

Cohen: I'll just get a coffee and a bagel. (to JCM) How about you?

JCM: I don't like coffee. Can you just get me some orange juice?

Waitress: Sure thing!

(As the waitress heats the coffee, she watches a small television mounted on the wall.)

Reporter: The CIA has still not found the three missing members of the Fugitive Four.

(Pictures of Hayden, Trophy, CDCB, and CF show up on the screen.)

Cohen: You seem really interested in those four.

Waitress: Huh? Oh, it's nothing. They were just regulars here for a while.

Cohen: You had the Fugitive Four as regulars in your coffee shop?

Waitress: Yeah. It's kind of a badge of honor, but I didn't like all the men in black here questioning me after they got captured.

Cohen: Yeah, the CIA can be a persistent bunch.

(The waitress pours coffee into a mug and hands it to Cohen. She then takes orange juice out of a fridge, pours it into another mug, and gives it to JCM.)

Waitress: Your bagel will be coming right up.

Cohen: Thanks.

(Cohen takes a sip of his coffee, then his cell phone starts ringing. He opens the cell phone and walks out of the coffee shop as he puts it to his ear.)

Cohen: Hello?

(Loretta Lynch is on the other end of the call.)

Lynch: Why didn't you tell me that the fugitives weren't formally under arrest when they escaped from your headquarters?

Cohen: I...I didn't know.

Lynch: Neither did I, but the judge sure knew, and now our only fugitive has bail.

Cohen: Shit. I'm so sorry.

Lynch: So am I. When the president hears about this, both of our jobs will be on the line.

Cohen: Neither of us had anything to do with this, though. It was Brennan who decided to go and kidnap children.

Lynch: Well, Brennan isn't here, and he'll need somebody to take the fall. We're that somebody.

Cohen: (sighs) Okay, I'll be there tomorrow and we can figure shit out then.

Lynch: If our fugitive skips bail, there won't be anything to figure out, except where we'll be applying for our next jobs.

(Inside the coffee shop, JCM is finishing his orange juice when the waitress puts a bagel in front of him.)

Waitress: What happened to that guy you were with?

JCM: He had to answer a phone call outside.

Waitress: Oh. Are you two...together?

JCM: What? No, I'm totally, 100% straight!

Waitress: Are you single?

JCM: (pauses) Actually, scratch that. I am gay. Nice talking to you!

(JCM grabs the bagel, drops a 10 dollar bill on the counter, and runs outside. Cohen is still talking to Lynch on the phone.)

Cohen: Sorry, I've gotta hang up. I've got company.

(Cohen hangs up the cell phone and puts it in his pocket.)

JCM: Here's your cell phone. Let's go.

Cohen: What's wrong with you?

JCM: That waitress hit on me.

Cohen: Did you get her number?

JCM: No! Why would you ask me something like that?

Cohen: I don't know. She was pretty good looking.

JCM: Well, I'm not interested in dating right now. I'll leave it at that. I already paid for the meal. Let's find that server and get as far away from here as possible.

Virginia (1966)

(Richard Helms enters CIA headquarters to find the mutilated bodies of his agents everywhere.)

Helms: Jesus Christ.

(Helms pulls out a gun and slowly walks through the hallways. He sees that the interrogation rooms are empty.)

Helms: Could it be? No.

(Helms runs to the laboratory and sees that it's empty, too.)

Helms: It was that...thing! We have to find it.

(Helms goes into his office and calls Lyndon Johnson.)

Helms: Mr. President, we have a bit of a dilemma.

Texas (2016)

(JCM and Cohen are driving through the desert when they reach the area of it covered in black sand.)

Cohen: Here it is. Our destination.

JCM: It looks like there was some kind of explosion here.

Cohen: Well, it couldn't have been the server because the site is still up. Help me look around for it.

(JCM and Cohen get out of Cohen's car and walk around the black sand, studying the ground below them carefully. They aren't able to find the alien device.)

Cohen: Time to start digging.

(Cohen spends several minutes scooping out black sand until he finds something that looks like a beak.)

Cohen: What the...

(Suddenly, the alien from two episodes ago pops out and rips Cohen's face off. JCM screams and runs to Cohen's car as the alien races after him. He gets into the driver's seat and closes the door right before the alien can get in. The alien starts poking holes into the door with its beak, and JCM tries to start the ignition, but the car stalls.)

JCM: You'd think the director of the CIA would have a better car than this.

(The alien is able to weaken the door enough to get its head inside. The alien screeches and starts poking at JCM's leg with its beak. JCM kicks the alien off of him, tries to start the ignition one more time, and finally gets it working. JCM drives away, leaving Cohen, skull exposed and bleeding to death, with the alien, who punches his skull in until it caves. JCM blinks away tears as watches from the rearview mirror.)

JCM: You did what you had to do. You did what you had to do.

(JCM looks down at his leg and sees that it's bleeding.)

JCM: Oh, man. The closest place to here is that freakin' coffee shop. (sighs) I guess I don't have much of a choice.

(The waitress at the coffee shop is cleaning her counter when JCM walks in, limping with his bleeding leg. The waitress gasps.)

JCM: Help.

(JCM passes out.)

[JCM]

Episode 36

Texas (2016)

(JCM wakes up in a hospital bed. He tries to get up, but a nuse stops him.)

Nurse: Don't put any pressure on your leg. It's still healing.

JCM: How long have I been out?

Nurse: About a day. You're lucky we got you here when we did. Any longer and we would have had to amputate.

JCM: Aren't nurses supposed to make patients feel better?

Nurse: Sorry. Get some rest. We'll be able to discharge you tomorrow morning.

JCM: Does anybody know I'm here? Other than the waitress and you guys?

Nurse: No. We weren't able to find any identification on you. Is there anyone you want to call?

JCM: I'm good.

Nurse: Really? That waitress said you were with somebody else when you stopped at her coffee shop this morning. Are you sure you don't want him to know you're okay?

JCM: (stern) I said I'm good.

(The nurses nods, hesitates, then leaves the room.)

New York (2016)

(Hayden is back in his jail cell, lying on the bottom bunk of the bunk bed, when the cell doors open. A guard walks in.)

Guard: Good news. Someone posted bail. You're free to go.

Hayden: Forever?

Guard: You wish. Get your ass out of here.

(Hayden follows the guard out of the cell. His cellmate is lying on the top bunk, pretending to be asleep.)

Cellmate: (sniffs) Didn't even say goodbye.

(Hayden walks out of the Metropolitan Correctional Center of New York to find Abney waiting for him.)

Abney: Ready to go home?

Hayden: You posted my ail?

Abney: Of course. I couldn't let an innocent person rot in there.

Hayden: Why are you helping me so much? I've been all over the news as a traitor for close to a year. What are you getting from this that's worth the potential damage to your reputation?

Abney: Do you really not know who I am? It's me, Abney, one of the admins on SpongeBuddy Mania.

Hayden: Holy shit! That's where I know you!

Abney: Yeah, JCM tipped me off to what was going on at CIA headquarters.

Hayden: You and JCM are buddy-buddy now?

Abney: I wouldn't say that. In fact, he kind of hates me, and it's my fault, but I'm trying to make up for it.

Hayden: And this is how you're doing it?

Abney: Well, I can't say for certain that he doesn't hate you, too, but it's worth a shot.

(Abney and Hayden get into Abney's car and start driving down the road.)

Hayden: So, what do we do from here?

Abney: Since you're charged with a felony, we'll have to do a preliminary hearing in a couple of weeks. That's where the judge will decide if there's enough evidence against you to proceed with a trial.

Hayden: So this could be over in weeks?

Abney: Yeah.

Hayden: Thank God...if there was a God, I mean. 'Cause there isn't.

Abney: Let's agree to disagree on that.

(Abney notices several men on motorcycles following the car.)

Abney: What the hell?

(Abney speeds the car up. The men on motorcycles speed up in response.)

Hayden: What's going on?

Abney: I don't know. There's dudes on motorcycles trailing us.

Hayden: Motorcycles? Could it be?

(The men on motorcycles pull out guns.)

Abney: Oh, shit! Put your head down!

(Abney and Hayden duck as the windows behind and in front of them shatter. Abney tries to steer the car without seeing where he's going, but he loses control, and the car ends up crashing into a tree. Hayden and Abney both have airbags explode into their faces. When they walk out of the car, it's surrounded by men on motorcycles with guns pointed at him. One of the men is CF's father.)

CF's father: Long time no see, bitch.

Hayden: It's literally been five days.

CF's father: Don't get smart with me. You know why I'm here.

Hayden: I actually have no idea why you're here.

(CF's father shoots his gun into the air, causing Hayden and Abney to jump.)

CF's father: How about the fact that my daughter is missing and you were the last person see with her?

Hayden: Listen, I know as much about where your daughter is as you do. I swear.

Abney: How did you know that we'd be here?

CF's father: As soon as we found out Mr. Fugitive was granted bail, we traveled up here waiting for him to get released. Now you're in our custody, boy, and the only payment I'll accept for your release will be my daughter.

Hayden: What are you going to do to me?

CF's father: You've already seen the inside of one my warehouses. It's time for you to see the inside of another.

Hayden: You know people will come looking for me, right? I'm one of the Fugitive Four. People will notice that I've disappeared.

CF's father: People can look all they want. They won't find you.

Abney: Please. This won't get you any closer to finding your daughter.

(CF's father points his gun in Abney's face.)

CF's father: I'll be the judge of that. You know a thing or two about judges, don't you, lawyer? I'll need this punk alive to find my daughter, but I don't need you alive, so why don't you shut that pretty mouth of yours?

(Abney gulps.)

CF's father: Come on. You're riding with me.

(CF's father puts Hayden onto his motocycle, and they drive away. Another motorcyclist takes Abney, and they all follow CF's father into the darkness.)

xat.com/sbcommunity

(ding dong)

 SG: Hey, do you guys know where JCM is?

 SG: I tried texting him, but he hasn't responded

 jjs: No idea

 SG: Wait

 SG: I just got a text from him

 SG: He says he's in the hospital

 jjs: What?

 jjs: What happened?

 SG: I don't know

 SG: I'm trying to find out now

 Omair: i hope jcms okay

 SOF: yeah

 SG: He says he got wounded by some giant bird thing

 jjs: Giant bird thing?

 jjs: That sounds like something out of a Harry Potter novel

 SG: Yeah, it is pretty weird

 SG: Maybe he's hallucinating

 jjs: Weren't the aliens that attacked us last year birdlike?

 jjs: At least that's what I'm reading from conspiracy theory websites

 Fred: why are you reading conspiracy theory websites?

 jjs: I have a lot of free time

 Fred: but you run a forum by yourself

 jjs: I know what I said

 SG: JCM still wants to meet with me and ssj

 SG: He gets discharged tomorrow

 SG: Says he'll meet us then

 jjs: Is ssj good for it?

 SG: He is

 Omair: how is ssj in bed

 SG: Not answering that

 Omair: come on

 Omair: don't leave me hanging

(ding dong)

 Omair: hilaryfan80 <3

 hilaryfan80: Omair <3

 Omair: do you know how ssj is in bed?

 hilaryfan80: I don't kiss and tell 

 Omair: be careful sg

 Omair: he's after your man

 SG: ssj isn't "my man"

 hilaryfan80: Yay!

 hilaryfan80: More for me

 Fred: what even is this conversation

 SG: Once you find out, Fred, tell me

 hilaryfan80: I'm just pulling your leg, SG

 hilaryfan80: You know I'd never take ssj from you

 SG: I'm going to go do

 SG: Something else

 Omair: aww we ran her off

 hilaryfan80: Hey Omair

 hilaryfan80: See my shiny new Jep Champion badge? 

 Fred: it's easy to be jep champion when the only other band geeks good at jep are mia

 hilaryfan80: excuses excuses

 hilaryfan80: I lost Hayden, too, you know

 Fred: so you lost one good jep player, and I lost two

 Fred: seems fair

 hilaryfan80: Keep whining

 hilaryfan80: It'll make our victory so much sweeter

 SOF: sweet sweet victory

 Fred: this place has become a drastic circlejerk

 Fred: I'll be joining sg wherever she is

 Omair: y u gotta be so mean to peeps hilaryfan80

 hilaryfan80: They just hate me cause I'm beautiful

 hilaryfan80: Any updates on ISB, jjs?

 jjs: It still sucks

 hilaryfan80: That's the spirit!

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Is this the finale?

[JCM]

21 hours ago, Lettuce said:

Is this the finale?

No, the finale will be later this week.

[JCM]

Episode 37

New York (2016)

(Hayden and Abney are lying in a warehouse, their arms and legs tied together with rope. CF's father walks into the warehouse with a baseball bat.)

CF's father: I'm going to ask you this, and I'm going to ask you this once. Where is my daughter?

Hayden: I don't know.

CF's father: Wrong answer.

(CF's father starts beating Hayden and Abney with the bat as his top associate, standing beside the warehouse exit, watches him. A few minutes later, CF's father walks to the exit with his now-bloody baseball bat.)

CF's father: You can watch those two while I'm gone, right?

(The associate nods, trying his best not to make eye contact with Hayden or Abney. CF's father leaves the warehouse.)

Abney: You can't be okay with what he's doing. You know Hayden's innocent.

Hayden: Yeah, if I knew where that guy's daughter was, don't you think I would told him by now?

Associate: It doesn't matter what I think. I have a job to do.

Hayden: The Nazis had a job to do, too, when they did...bad...Nazi...shit.

Associate: Thank you for that refresher on German history. I'm still not letting you go.

Abney: Come on, have a heart.

Associate: In my line of work, a heart isn't something you can afford to have.

Abney: You can always afford to have a heart.

Associate: You're a big time lawyer. You don't know what it's like to struggle to feed your family. Don't you tell me what I can afford to do, or I'll make what my boss did to you seem like playful exercise!

Abney: Okay, you win. Let that madman kill us. It'll be on your conscience.

Associate: That's a risk I'm willing to take.

(7/10/16)

Texas (2016)

(JCM limps into a skating rink, where SG and ssj are already waiting for him.)

SG: You didn't have to come all the way out here. I would have understood if you wanted to get more rest.

JCM: Trust me, the last thing I need is more time with my thoughts.

ssj: I assume you won't be skating.

JCM: Even if my leg wasn't messed up, I wouldn't let y'all see me skate. I have a very low threshold for embarrassment.

SG: So, what did you want to talk about?

JCM: Did you ever wonder what it would be like to run Xat...all of Xat?

SG: Isn't Xat run by aliens?

JCM: I see you've been reading the government propaganda. Xat technically isn't being run by anybody right now. The server is in the middle of the desert, and it's being protected by the giant bird that did this to my leg.

ssj: And what, you want to face that bird again?

JCM: I have to. If I don't get the server back, the CIA will, and they'll destroy it. I don't know who else Cohen gave the coordinates to.

SG: Cohen?

JCM: The CIA director, and my boss. Well, he was my boss. He isn't much of anything right now.

SG: He's dead?

JCM: Yeah. The bird killed him.

ssj: And again, you want to face it again?

JCM: I'll be prepared this time.

ssj: You have one good leg.

JCM: Never said it would be easy.

SG: You have to let us help you.

JCM: (smiles) I was hoping you'd say that.

(JCM takes a folded piece of paper out of his pocket, then he unfolds it.)

JCM: Here's the plan...

Texas (1966)

(Campbell, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar stop at a malt shop in Texas.)

CF: This place looks familiar.

(A waitress walks up to them.)

Waitress: Good morning, everybody. What will you all be having?

CF: She looks exactly like the waitress in that coffee shop we went to. (look around) Wait, this is that coffee shop we went to!

CDCB: Or will go to.

CF: Yeah, whatever. This must mean we're close! (to the waitress) We'll all have vanilla milkshakes.

Brennan: Can i get strawberry?

CF: Strawberry for him.

Waitress: I'll get your orders to you right quick!

(The waitress goes into the kitchen.)

Brennan: Do you guys actually know how we'll return to present even when we find the server?

CDCB: The server sent us here. It must be the key to getting back.

Brennan: What caused the server to send us here, anyway? And why did it send three of the fugitives and not the other one, even though he was in the same room?

Edgar: I've been thinking about that, and I have a theory. The server forms a psychological link with people who touch it or spend a certain amount of time looking at the hologram that emits from it. It then uses the excess energy from our bodies to power itself. It usually isn't noticeable, but when there's a glitch in the system, you get a situation like the one we're currently in.

Trophy: What would cause that glitch, though?

CF: (thinks) Lightning!

Brennan: Lightning? What is this, Back to the Future?

CF: Kind of, yeah.

Edgar: I could see that alien gadget's malfunction being caused by lightning, even though such an occurrence is so statistically improbable I shouldn't even consider it. Still, I've dealt with a lot of statistical improbabilities lately.

Brennan: So, what are we going to do? Create a rig like Doc Brown's and connect it to the alien device?

Edgar: We'll have to find the alien device first, and like I said, this is all theory. Such a rig could send us back to the present, or it could fry the alien device and leave us trapped here forever.

Trophy: That's nice to know.

Edgar: Just being honest.

Campbell: Well, I trust your judgment. Any mind that's learned from me is a mind that knows its shit, pardon the language.

Brennan: No, you're fine. I've said worse things in traffic.

(The waitress returns with five vanilla milkshakes and one strawberry milkshake on a platter. Everybody grabs a milkshake.)

Brennan: So, do you remember how to get to the device from here?

CF: I think so. I've made the trip enough times that I should remember by now.

Campbell: Then you'll lead the way. (takes a sip from his milkshake) Hey, these aren't bad.

CDCB: Yeah, I wish they kept selling milkshakes here instead of becoming a coffee shop.

CF: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. The coffee is what kept me sane during that year I had to live with you guys.

Trophy: Hey, that offends me!

CDCB: Not me. I've learned to proudly embrace my flaws. (burps) Including indigestion.

Trophy: You're like a real-life Carl Wheezer.

CDCB: I take that as a compliment.

Brennan: I'm beginning to seriously consider leaving you two here.

Trophy: Doesn't faze me. Just increases my chance of meeting Wilt.

CDCB: The basketball player, right?

Trophy: (rolls eyes) Yes, the basketball player.

CDCB: Dope. (burps) Sorry. Blame the stomach.

Trophy: I blame you.

Virginia (2016)

(Loretta Lynch walks into CIA headquarters. The first thing she notices is Agent Grimes leaving an interrogation room.)

Lynch: Hey, you! Do you know where your director is?

Grimes: No idea. Haven't heard from him since he left for Texas.

Lynch: He isn't answering his cell phone. I'm getting worried.

Grimes: I'm sure he'll be back soon enough.

Lynch: "Soon enough" isn't soon enough! The fugitive never returned home! Nobody knows where he is!

Grimes: The fugitive? I same fugitive I beat to a pulp a couple days ago?

Lynch: Do me a favor and never repeat that to anybody.

Grimes: Noted.

Lynch: The president says that if Cohen isn't back by the end of the day, we're both fired! This is the shitstorm to end all shitstorms!

Grimes: Well, if he comes back, I'll make sure to let you know.

Lynch: Great. Here's my number.

(Lynch writes her number on a sticky note and gives it to Grimes.)

Grimes: (pockets the note) And if you want, I can take you out to dinner sometime.

Lynch: I eat men like you for breakfast.

Grimes: (shudders) Noted again.

Texas (2016)

(SG is driving Cohen's car through the desert. ssj in in the passenger seat, and JCM is in the backseat.)

SG: Does Cohen own this car?

JCM: No. He rented it after we flew here.in one of the government jets. Working for the CIA has its perks.

SG: Well, I doubt the company you rented it from will take it back in this state.

JCM: I couldn't care less. I just want to find that server.

SG: I think I found it.

(SG stops the car in front of the area of the desert covered in black sand. They see Cohen's decaying body nearby.)

ssj: Jesus Christ.

JCM: I wish I could have helped him. I know he wanted to destroy the server, but nobody deserves to die like that.

ssj: I get the feeling we're next.

JCM: We won't be if you follow my instructions. SG, you got the shovel?

(SG takes a shovel out of the trunk.)

SG: Got it.

ssj: Why didn't that Cohen fellow use a shovel?

JCM: You know how men in high positions are. They always like to show off. In this case, it turned out to be his downfall.

(SG gives JCM the shovel, and they walk to the middle of the black sand, where JCM starts shoveling.)

JCM: Remember, as soon as the alien appears, you get to a safe distance and take anything I throw at you.

SG: Got it.

(JCM shovels for several minutes and gets far deeper into the sand than Cohen got, but the alien is nowhere to found. Suddenly, the alien pops out of another area of the sand and jumps on SG.)

JCM: SG!

[JCM]

Episode 38

Texas (2016)

(JCM runs towards SG and the alien and uses his shovel to pry them apart. The alien screeches and grabs JCM. JCM spins around and throws the alien into the hole he dug.)

JCM: You okay?

SG: Yeah, I just got a few scratches.

JCM: Good.

(The alien jumps back out of the hole and lunges towards JCM and SG. JCM hits the alien as hard as he can on the head with the shovel, knocking it out.)

JCM: Those months of working out are finally paying off.

SG: You work out?

JCM: Well, I do pushups...sometimes.

(ssj pulls up beside them in the car.)

ssj: You two can flirt later. Find that server before whatever that thing is wakes up.

(JCM turns the alien over but doesn't find the device anywhere on it. He looks into the spot the alien jumped out of but doesn't find the device there, either.)

JCM: I wish I brought a metal detector.

SG: You think it's any deeper in that hole you made?

ssj: That's what she said.

JCM: Go home, ssj. You're drunk.

ssj: If I was drunk, could I do this?

(ssj does a doughnut with the car, blowing sand everywhere.)

JCM: (coughs) Dang it, ssj! That car is rented!

ssj: The car is damaged goods, anyway.

SG: (takes out inhaler) You didn't have to upset my allergies, though.

ssj: You'll live.

JCM: Anyway, if I make that hole any deeper, I'll reach the center of the Earth. It isn't down there.

SG: So, what do we do now?

JCM: We get out of here and come back with a metal detector.

ssj: I'd recommend you get a gun, too, if you're gonna leave that thing alive.

JCM: I can handle it.

(JCM and SG get back into the car, and they drive off. Minutes later, the alien wakes up, screeches, and jumps into the hole JCM dug.)

New York (2016)

(Abney and Hayden are sleeping in the warehouse when a large hand shakes both of them awake.)

Abney: Huh?

Associate: I thought about what you said yesterday, and goddamn it, you were right.

Abney: So you're letting us go?

Associate: Yeah. Between you and me, the boss has gotten more paranoid, more unstable lately. He knows the cops are closing in on our operations, and this shit with his daughter has just pushed him over the edge.

(CF's father appears behind the associate with a knife to his throat.)

CF's father: Really?

Associate: B-boss!

CF's father: You know, you've always been my favorite, which is why I really hoped you would pass this test.

Associate: Test? You've been standing outside...for hours?

CF's father: Yes, and right when I was feeling good enough about your loyalty to leave you alone with them, you went and pulled this shit.

Associate: Please...I have a family.

CF's father: I had a family, too.

(CF's father cuts the associate's neck and throws him to the floor right in front of Hayden and Abney, who watch in silent horror as he bleeds to death.)

CF's father: Guess I'll be watching you two for the rest of the night!

(CF's father grabs a chair and sits on it.)

CF's father: Don't look so glum! This is a great opportunity for us to get to know each other better!

(A pool of blood starts to develop around the associate's head.)

CF's father: Let's talk about our love lives! You start, lawyer! I'm sure there's tons of bitches trying to get into those $300 pants of yours!

Abney: I...don't have much of a love life. Been too busy with work.

CF's father: Work? I have the hardest job in America, but I still set aside time for smashing! What you need in your life is balance. What about you, fugitive?

Hayden: The only girl I've been in contact with for the past year is your daughter.

CF's father: (laughs) Well, if all you want is my blessing, I'll be happy to give it to you...as soon as you tell me where she is.

Hayden: I already told you. I don't know.

CF's father: (stands up) You know, I thought we were at a place where we could trust each other.

(CF's father walks to the associate, who is still breathing heavily, and stomps on his back until the breathing stops, making the pool of blood larger.)

CF's father: Trust...something I may never feel again.

(CF's father walks towards the exit.)

CF's father: You two don't need a guard. I'm just gonna lock this door. Make sure you think about what I said tonight, especially you, lawyer. You're not gonna come out of this warehouse alive, but I'm gonna make sure you die a better person.

(Abney cries.)

CF's father: Good...let it all out.

(CF's father leaves the warehouse. Abney continues crying until he falls asleep, and he's woken up about an hour later by a ringtone.)

Abney: What the?

(Abney uses his tied-together legs to kick Hayden awake.)

Hayden: Not now, mother.

Abney: Hayden? Do you hear that?

Hayden: Yeah, it's a shitty ringtone.

Abney: Both of our phones got confiscated before we were thrown in here, so where do you think that ringtone is coming from?

(Hayden notices a bulge in the dead associate's pocket.)

Hayden: (imitating Southern belle) Oh my, oh my! Is that a cell phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Abney: Hayden, he's dead. Don't make jokes like that.

Hayden: Sorry.

Abney: But yes, that is a cell phone in his pocket, and it's the cell phone that's going to save our lives.

Hayden: At least we know what side of the family CF didn't get her intelligence from.

Virginia (2016)

(Agent Grimes is sitting in Cohen's office, pretending to answer a phone call.)

Grimes: Hello! Director Grimes here. How may I help you?

(Grimes opens a folder sitting on the desk, and inside of it, he finds pages of handwritten text signed by none other than Richard Helms.)

Grimes: This looks interesting.

(Grimes puts the folder in his laptop bag and leaves the office.)

Texas (1966)

(Campbell, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar drive through the desert, and Edgar notices a black patch of sand.)

Edgar: Ever see that before?

CF: No, but it's definitely worth investigating.

(CF walks out of the car and starts digging through the black sand. A few minutes later, she finds the alien device.)

CF: Here it is!

(CF presses a button on the alien device to make a hologram appear. There's nothing in the hoiogram, however, and when CF touches it, it shocks her.)

CF: Ouch!

(As CF puts her finger in her mouth, the others join her.)

CDCB: What's wrong with it?

CF: It's acting up. Probably a side effect of the time travel.

Trophy: Do you think it can still get us home?

Brennan: It better! I didn't spend a day in that smelly car for nothing!

Campbell: Hey, that's my car!

Brennan: And it smells.

Campbell: If you do end up stuck in this time period, don't expect a ride back!

Edgar: Come on, guys. We're so close. This is no time to argue.

Trophy: There's always time to argue! You're a Redskins fan, right, CD?

CDCB: Yeah.

Brennan: Whoa, what's wrong with the Redskins?

Trophy: Besides the name?

Brennan: I'd rather have our name and three championships than be a fan of the Eagles and have how many championships, exactly?

Trophy: Edgar's right. We shouldn't argue.

Edgar: Guys...

Brennan: No way, you're not backing out of this now!

Edgar: Guys! Look in the sky! What do you see?

CF: (looks up) Storm clouds!

Campbell: Shit! We don't have any time to build a rig!

Edgar: Maybe what you brought along is all the rig we need.

(Campbell opens his trunk, and everybody starts taking out guns.)

Edgar: The steel these guns are made of conduct electricity, meaning they'll attract whatever lightning strikes happen nearby.

(Edgar and the others build a tower out of the guns and put the alien device on top of it.)

Edgar: Fingers crossed.

Brennan: (to Campbell) Hey, before we go, I'm sorry for calling your car smelly. I do appreciate everything you did for us.

Campbell: Thanks. By the way, what's the problem with the Redskins' name?

Brennan: You'll understand in 50 years.

Campbell: Oh. (whispers) Is it the colored folks?

Brennan: Okay, goodbye!

(A lightning bolt is seen in the distance. Seconds later, lightning strikes the alien device, causing it to short circuit and causing it, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar to disappear.)

Campbell: My God! It worked!

(Campbell dances around the tower of guns.)

Campbell: It worked! It worked! My years of temporal studies have finally paid off! Yes!

Virginia (2016)

(Grimes is alone in his apartment, reading the note he took from Cohen's office.)

Grimes: "Hello. My name is Richard Helms, and I was the Deputy Director of Central Intelligence when we made our first contact with alien life. Our director, William Raborn, wanted to establish peace between us and this extraterrestrial species, but our president, Lyndon B. Johnson, didn't believe that they were true aliens, believing instead that they were well-disguised plants of the Soviet Union sent here to spy on us. He ordered us to interrogate them, using any means necessary to extract information about their communist ties.

"Raborn quit several months into the interrogation, no longer having the heart to see the aliens treated the way they were. After appointing me Director of Central Intelligence, Johnson gave me the choice to continue the interrogations or let the aliens go. I chose to continue the interrogations, not only to demonstrate my loyalty to the president, but because I knew our chances of peace with the alien species were gone at this point. However, just over a week later, something happened that changed my mind. People randomly appeared in our headquarters with weapons, and I realized we bad a mole in the Central Intelligence Agency.

"I wanted to dedicate all of our manpower to finding the mole, so with Johnson's permission, I worked out an agreement with the aliens where I'd let them return to where they came from if they left somebody behind for us to dissect and analyze. I figured since they wouldn't be returning home with peace on their minds, we might as well learn everything we can about them so that we'd be prepared for the inevitable counterattack. I didn't realize that the counterattack would happen within our own walls, however.

"During the night of our first experiments, the alien developed amazing abilities and slaughtered every agent in the building. I called the president about it, and he ordered me not to say anything about the night's events to anybody. He wanted me to send flowers to the families of the deceased and track the alien down before it could kill anybody else. I was able to get one of those two things done, but I was never able to find the alien. Since President Nixon is suggesting to me that my days at the CIA are numbered, I probably never will, and if I couldn't find it with six years and all of the resources of the CIA at my disposal, nobody probably will. My only hope is that nobody else dies as a result of my failure to catch that alien. —Richard Helms"

(Grimes closes the folder and reflects on the things he's read for a moment.)

Grimes: If I showed this to The Washington Post, I'd make millions, but leaking classified documents is illegal and goes against my oath as a CIA agent.

(Grimes thinks for another moment and smiles.)

Grimes: But I don't care.

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Can't wait for more, JCM.

[So Sejima]

Apparently my avatar isn't obvious enough for what football team I'm a fan of, which hasn't even been mentioned in this so 0/10 joke it ruins the entire show

[Hayden]

JCM all up on SG, when Bubble Buddy already confirmed Hayden + SG = Love.

There's my love life, CF's father.

[JCM]

Episode 39

Virginia (1966)

(The alien is in the middle of a forest, chewing on a dead squirrel, when it hears the voice of the alien leader in its head.)

Leader: Hello, Citizen 3044 of Sector 19. How are you doing today?

Alien: How do you think I'm doing? I'm stuck on this planet with people who want to kill me!

Leader: I understand, and I sympathize with you, but you'll have to remain on that planet until we're prepared to launch a full-scale invasion to bring you back and subjugate the creatures who wronged us.

Alien: How long will that take?

Leader: I do not know, but I want you to know that we haven't forgotten you. I haven't forgotten you.

Alien: What if I die before you come?

Leader: Then I'll make sure your name goes down as one of our planet's greatest heroes.

(The alien throws the dead squirrel into a bush, no longer feeling hungry.)

Leader: I sense your frustration, and I'm frustrated myself. These people are stronger than I ever expected them to be, which is why we have to be as well-prepared as possible. If only there was a way to learn about them, without unnecessarily putting you at risk.

Alien: Do you know if these people are connected?

Leader: There are no mental connections for me to penetrate, but they seem to be forming connections through technology. Once those connections are sophisticated enough, I may be able to use them to get the information I need.

Alien: How do you know that those connections will ever become sophisticated enough for us to use?

Leader: If those creatures are as smart as I believe them to be, those connections will become sophisticated enough, no more than ten Earth years from now.

Alien: Are you sure about that?

Leader: Yes, I'm relatively sure. I've conquered many planets. You can trust me.

Alien: I do.

Virginia (1996)

(The alien is showering in a stream when it hears the leader's voice in its head again.)

Leader: The connections are finally strong enough.

Alien: Finally. You told me it would take ten years, and it took 30 years.

Leader: I apologize for misleading you, but don't worry. We're already starting to build technology compatible to theirs, and once it's ready, we'll be able to gather all of the information we need about the planet and its lifeforms.

Alien: How exactly are you going to do that?

Leader: We'll build a virtual box, through which the planet's creatures will be able to communicate with one another.

Alien: A box?

Leader: Yes, and everything said on that box will return to the mothership for us to analyze.

Alien: Couldn't you have found ways to study their conversations that didn't take you 30 years?

Leader: Our options are limited being so far away from them, and even with the box, we'll need a presence on the planet to make sure the box is using the connections correctly and that the creatures of your planet are using the box correctly. That's where you come in.

Alien: What do you want me to do?

Leader: I need you to find a way to access your planet's connections. Then, use those connections to find a creature we can use as our proxy.

Alien: As you wish, leader.

(That night, the alien is walking down a street when it notices a box for a Windows 95 computer sitting outside of a house. The alien reads the box, which says, among other things, "Connect to people all over the world with a free month of AOL!" The alien breaks into the house through a window and hears screams from one of the rooms. A man and his fiance walk out of the room, and the alien immediately kills them both. The alien then finds a computer in one of the rooms and turns the computer on. It clicks the AOL icon, and a few seconds later, this screen pops up:

The alien clicks "Internet Connection", and this screen pops up next:

The alien spends the rest of the night browsing everything on that screen until it comes upon a message board post written by someone from the UK offering free website building services.

London (1997)

(The alien sneaks out of a cargo ship, holding a piece of paper with an address scribbled on it. Once the alien reaches the house located at that address, it knocks on the house's door, and a man wearing glasses opens it.)

Man: Wow, you said you had a condition, but I didn't realize it was that bad. Come on in.

(The alien walks into the house, and the man closes the door behind it.)

Man: As you know, my name is Christopher, and I've been interested in computers almost as long as I've been alive. Most people in my position are making millions of dollars in startups or whatever, but I only want to use my abilities to help other people.

(The alien points to Christopher's computer.)

Christopher: Yes, the website. I'll bring it up right now.

(Christopher opens Netscape on his computer, types "www.xat.com" into the address bar, and presses Enter on his keyboard. A site with a black background and a small white text box in the middle pops up. Christopher types "Hello World!" into the text box, and when he presses Enter again, the text "Admin: Hello World!" appears above the text box.)

Christopher: There you go! If there's anything else you need, just let me know.

(The alien nods and leaves the house. Later that day, Christoper checks the website again, and he sees another line of text under his, saying "Leader: You'll be saying Goodbye to your World soon enough".)

Arkansas (2015)

(Sam Ballmer sits at his computer, which has a sticky note attached to the side with the words "Hayden" and "Trophy" on it.)

Ballmer: Finally.

 Chief: Finally.
 
 Chief: In just a few minutes, I'll be able to cement my place in history.
 
 Hayden: I can assure you, you're wasting your time.
 
 Trophy: yeah, just leave
 
 Trophy: before you humiliate yourself
 
 Chief: It's amusing to see how desperate you are.
 
 Chief: I'll miss you.
 
 Chief: I really will.
 
 Hayden: the feeling's not mutual

(Suddenly, an alien breaks through Ballmer's window.)

 Chief: OH GOD
 
 Trophy: what

(The alien pokes Baller's eyes out with its beak.)

 Chief: ASDFGHJKKKK
 
 Hayden: did chief just experience his first orgasm

(Ballmer falls out of his chair, screaming, and the alien sits in Ballmer's place.)

 Chief: Chief is no more.
 
 Trophy: then who's speaking?
 
Chief: You know who is speaking.
 
 CNF: welp American Dad's last episode on FOX is on
 
 Chief: You'll hear from us again.

 CNF: lmfao the continuation of the Golden Turd arc

(The alien picks up the bleeding, screaming Ballmer, grabs some knives from his kitchen, and walks outside with him.)

 Trophy: the aliens just killed chief
 
 jjs: holy crap
 
 Hayden: old jjs said it best

Virginia (2015)

(A month after killing Sam Ballmer, the alien is back in the forest. It hears the leader's voice in its head again.)

Leader: I know you haven't heard from me in a while, but I want you to know that I still haven't forgotten you.

Alien: Leader, y-you're still alive?

Leader: Don't call me Leader anymore. The only thing I've led was our species to ruination. And I won't be alive for much longer. I'm on the way to Pennsylvania to shoot the kid responsible for derailing my invasion. After that, I'll most likely shoot myself.

Alien: Please, don't do this. Everybody else on our planet may have turned against you, but I'm still loyal to you, and you'll always be my leader.

Leader: Thanks. That means a lot to me. Perhaps I'll change my mind about killing myself. Perhaps I'll postpone it until after I kill that kid's friend and our former proxy. I don't know yet. If I do commit suicide, however, I'll make sure to send you a signal from my chip first so you know to come and retrieve it.

Alien: I hope it's a signal I never get.

Leader: Goodbye, Citizen 3044 of Sector 19. Goodbye, for most likely the last time.

(The alien does a sign of respect with one of its talons.)

Alien: Goodbye, leader.

Virginia (2016)

(The alien gets a signal from the alien device as lightning strikes it in Texas. Thinking the signal was sent to him from the leader, the alien starts running towards it.)

Alien: He did it. He finally did it. All I can hope for now is that I reach the chip in time.

(6/15/17)

xat.com/thesbcommunity

 JCM: man, it's been almost a year since trophy vanished

 jjs: Yeah :/

 Katniss: I wish it was hayden who vanished instead

 Hayden: you do know I can read everything you say about me, right?

 Katniss: yeah I know

(ding dong)

 jjs: Holy shit

 jjs: It's Trophy

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Can't wait for the finale, JCM.

[JCM]

Episode 40

 Trophy: so glad I remembered my xat password

 JCM: where the crap have you been the past year?

 Trophy: I'll tell you all of that in private later

 Trophy: I'm just glad to see you all again

 JCM: we're glad to see you, too, troph

 Hayden: wait a minute

 Hayden: how do we know that this is the real trophy?

 Trophy: hello to you too hayden

 hilaryfan80: I can confirm it's Trophy

 hilaryfan80: He's on my friends list, and I only add SBC members to my friends list when I know it's them

 hilaryfan80: Ask JCM

 hilaryfan80: I saved him from getting banned once

 JCM: it's true

 SOF: wb troph

 Hayden: well

 Hayden: if it is you

 Hayden: I'm glad you're not dead

 Trophy: I'm glad I'm not dead too

 Trophy: what happened while I was gone?

 Hayden: I became the most hated man in america

 Hayden: everybody thought that I was not only working for the aliens but that I killed the old CIA director

 Hayden: and eventually the new one

 Trophy: the new cia director died?

 Trophy: how?

 JCM: how do you think?

 Trophy: I actually have no idea

 JCM: aliens

 JCM: pretty much everything that's happened in the last two years can be blamed on aliens

 Trophy: I thought all of the aliens died, though

 JCM: there's another one

 JCM: one nobody knew about

 JCM: and it's still out there

 Trophy: holy shit

 JCM: but seriously though

 JCM: where have you been for the past year?

 Trophy: wait a second

 Trophy: okay

 Trophy: now look outside

 JCM: why is everything white?

 Trophy: you're in another dimension

 Trophy: one where you, me, and hayden can talk alone

 Hayden: a skype group might have been more effective

 JCM: how did you do this?

 Trophy: I figured out how to do it with Xat's server

 JCM: wait

 JCM: you have xat's server?

 Trophy: yeah

 JCM: i looked everywhere in that desert for it

 JCM: even bought a metal detector just for finding it

 JCM: nothing

 Trophy: that's because it was in the same place I was

 Trophy: or really

 Trophy: the same time

 JCM: same time?

 Hayden: just tell us where or when you were already

 Trophy: when

 Trophy: 1966

 Trophy: Xat's server sent me, CD, CF, the cia director, and his tech guy back in time when it got hit by lightning

 Hayden: why didn't it send me or lizard squad back in time with you?

 Trophy: you had to have actually touched Xat's server or something

 Trophy: how is lizard squad, by the way?

 Hayden: they escaped as soon as brennan disappeared

 Hayden: I should have done the same thing

 Hayden: but stupid me trusted in the government to set things right

 JCM: wait, you were in 1966?

 JCM: how did you get back?

 Trophy: a lot of dumb luck

 Trophy: but we weren't lucky enough to get sent back to the right time

 Trophy: hence you not hearing from me for the past year

 JCM: did you just get back?

 Trophy: I actually got back a few days ago

 Trophy: but it took me a while to find transportation back home

 JCM: a few days ago?

 JCM: didn't xat's text box break a few days ago, hay?

 Hayden: yeah

 Hayden: I had to click an emoticon before typing anything

 Hayden: it was bullshit

 JCM: well, now we know why that happened

 JCM: weird time travel stuff

 Trophy: I have had plenty of time to figure out how to do stuff like this with the server between then and now, at least

 Hayden: why didn't brennan take the server back from you?

 Trophy: brennan's chill now

 Trophy: he doesn't care about the server anymore

 Trophy: all he wanted to do when we returned was get back home to his wife and kids

 JCM: he probably wouldn't have gotten his old job back anyway

 JCM: considering who's in the white house now

 Trophy: yeah

 Trophy: one thing I'm glad I missed is election night

 Hayden: he won almost every state

 Hayden: including new york >_>

 JCM: yeah

 JCM: we really underestimated how terrified people were of aliens

 JCM: if trump deserves credit for one thing, it's knowing how to capitalize on that

 Trophy: speaking of aliens

 Trophy: what do you know about the alien that's currently out there?

 JCM: not much

 JCM: it seemed to be looking for the server too

 JCM: you'll definitely want to keep an eye out for it

 Trophy: I'm so sick and tired of aliens

 Hayden: you're not the only one

 JCM: well, we'll have to keep dealing with aliens whether we want to or not

 JCM: all of us

 JCM: there's apparently an alien that got away from the cia 50 years ago

 JCM: i think it was the same year you went to, troph

 JCM: and i think that's the same alien i saw

 Trophy: god

 Trophy: I hope not

 Trophy: if it is, we're all fucked

 Hayden: so

 Hayden: you want to take us back to our own dimension, now?

 Trophy: sure thing

 hilaryfan80: And those are all my kinks

 Cha: I feel so enlightened

 JCM: i don't even want to know what i just missed

 jjs: Where were you guys?

 Trophy: just discussing some stuff in private

 jjs: You should know by now that you don't need to keep secrets from us

 Trophy: fine

 Trophy: you want to know the truth?

 Trophy: the whole truth?

 Trophy: xat can time travel

 jjs: I know

 jjs: I'm the one who made up the time traveling thing the first time I saw the flashback of that conversation I had with CNF about American Dad

 Trophy: no

 Trophy: I mean it can really time travel

 Trophy: and I've been away from Xat for so long because it sent me back to 1966

 jjs: Okay, smartass

 jjs: Keep your secrets

 Cha: can xat send me back to the 90s so I can watch the nanny when it was new?

 jjs: sure cha

 jjs: then you can use xat to meet the dinosaurs

 Trophy: but xat really can time travel...

 Hayden: forget it trophy

 Hayden: he isn't falling for it

 Hayden: we can talk about the actual things xat can do later

 Trophy: whatever

 Trophy: also, whatever happened to isb?

 Hayden: brennan isn't the only person who became chill since you disappeared

 Hayden: abney promised to unban all of isb's members from sbm if they agreed to a merger

 Hayden: isb's admins were getting overwhelmed running the forum so they were happy to do it

 hilaryfan80: He also gave jjs his blessing to make me and JCM admins again, though JCM didn't want it

 JCM: yeah i like being among the plebes

 Trophy: thought that said pubes for a second there

 Trophy: it's a shame it didn't

 JCM: please go back to being gone trophy

 Trophy: you want me to bring cd in here to tell bad jokes? 

 jjs: how is cd, btw?

 jjs: and cf for that matter

 Trophy: they're both doing fine

 Trophy: since they can't return to their old jobs, they're starting up a PI business together

 jjs: cool

 JCM: it's great to see things returning to semi-normal

 Katniss: aww is hayden still here?

 Katniss: I hoped he would be gone by the time I finished dinner

 Hayden: I know you secretly love me kat

 Katniss: brb throwing up dinner

 JCM: yep

 JCM: almost completely back to normal

 Trophy: maybe I should consider returning to 1966

 Hayden: we missed you too trophy

[Hayden]

I don't think I'd blame Renegade this time if he asked "was this the finale?", because I don't know what was resolved.

[JCM]

Episode XLI

 JCM: it's great to see things returning to semi-normal

 Katniss: aww is hayden still here?

 Katniss: I hoped he would be gone by the time I finished dinner

 Hayden: I know you secretly love me kat

 Katniss: brb throwing up dinner

 JCM: yep

 JCM: almost completely back to normal

(6/16/17)

Virginia 

(Brennan is watching CNN on his couch.) 

Reporter: Trump’s approval ratings remain sky high as he announces yet another military expansion to prepare for what he claims is an “impending” alien invasion. 

Brennan: I can’t believe this. A reality star in the White House. Who will we elect next? Kim Kardashian? 

(Brennan’s wife turns the television off.) 

Mrs. Brennan: You don’t need to be watching that. You should be taking it easy. 

Brennan: This is me taking it easy. 

Mrs. Brennan: I wish you’d tell me where you’ve been all this time. If I didn’t miss you so much, I’d stop speaking to you like the kids. 

Brennan: Even if I did tell you, you wouldn’t believe me. 

(Brennan's cell phone starts ringing. He takes the phone out of his pocket, and when he sees who it is, his face darkens.) 

Mrs. Brennan: What's wrong? 

Brennan: Nothing. I'll be back. 

(Brennan runs into the restroom and locks the door behind him. He then answers the cell phone.) 

Brennan: What do you want? 

(The person on the other end is the current CIA director, Mike Pompeo.) 

Pompeo: You know what I want. The same thing I've wanted since you mysteriously returned: answers. 

Brennan: Well, you aren't getting them from me. 

Pompeo: We'll see about that. How about you stop by the headquarters today, have a drink with me? 

Brennan: We can have a drink anywhere in the city. 

Pompeo: Oh, but you'll really want to come here. 

Brennan: I doubt it. 

Pompeo: If you want, I can send some guys over to your house to pick you up. I'm sure your wife would love to know why the CIA is so interested in you. 

Brennan: Maybe because I used to work there? 

Pompeo: Maybe. 

Brennan: (sighs) Fine. If you want me over there so much, I'll go there. But don't expect this to be a daily thing. 

xat.com/sbcommunity 

 Trophy: man 

 Trophy: I can't believe I missed an entire NBA season 

 JCM: you didn't miss much 

 JCM: if you spawned next year you wouldn't have missed much either 

 JCM: warriors will probably have a fivepeat before anybody challenges them 

 Hayden: You haven't even been back for a day and you're already talking about boring sports shit 

 Hayden: You guys should watch something more exciting, like Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 

 Hayden: That's easily the best thing you've missed, Trophy 

 JCM: no that would be south carolina beating duke 

(ding dong) 

 hilaryfan80: Have you guys visited SBC lately? 

 JCM: whats sbc 

 hilaryfan80: Stop being a smartass 

 hilaryfan80: Somebody replaced all of the forum descriptions with the words "Come here Trophy" and a Discord link 

 hilaryfan80: And I can't get back into the ACP to reverse it 

 Trophy: I've only been back for a day and people's already hacking shit for me 

 Trophy: I feel so loved 

 hilaryfan80: Get this sorted out now Trophy 

 Trophy: yessir 

Discord 

A Trophy has spawned in the server. 

Trophy: hello? 

Trophy: what did you guys want me for? 

LizardSquad4ever: hi trophy 

LizardSquadPwns: remember us? 

Trophy: Lizard Squad? 

LizardSqAwesome: indeed 

Trophy: why did you guys hack sbc? 

Trophy: was sending a private message not enough? 

LizardSquardPwns: you know that's not how we do things 

Trophy: if the cia's still breathing down your neck you might want to find another way to do things 

LizardSquadBitches: that's what we brought you in here to talk about 

LizardSquadBitches: the cia is working on legislation with congress that will give them the ability to detain and seize the assets of anybody for any reason or no reason at all 

Trophy: I haven't read anything about that. How did you find out about it? 

LizardSquad4ever: by doing things our way 

Trophy: oh man 

Trophy: with those kinds of rights the cia will be able to go after us without any repercussions 

LizardSqAwesome: yeah, losing to your friend in court really pissed them off 

Trophy: but why do you guys care about it? 

Trophy: aren't all of you on the run? 

LizardSquardPwns: no thanks to you btw 

LizardSquad4ever: come on travis 

LizardSquad4ever: even though we dislike you, trophy, we dislike the cia more 

LizardSquad4ever: and we'd hate for them to get a win this massive 

LizardSquad4ever: so we're letting you know about this ahead of time 

Trophy: what am I supposed to do about it? 

LizardSquadBitches: we have a perfect hiding place for you guys 

LizardSquadBitches: it's where we hid while we waited for our passports to russia 

Trophy: you guys are in russia now? 

LizardSqAwesome: we are 

LizardSqAwesome: but since I doubt we'd get asylum like snowden we still have to lay low 

Trophy: where's this "perfect hiding place"? 

LizardSquardPwns: I just emailed you the address 

LizardSquardPwns: try to get there with your friends as soon as possible 

LizardSquardPwns: the cia doesn’t have all the votes it needs in congress yet but it's close 

Trophy: alright 

Trophy: and thanks 

LizardSquadBitches: don't mention it 

LizardSquadBitches: being the good guys was fun while it lasted 

Trophy: you are good guys 

Trophy: but you'd be even better guys if you gave hilaryfan80 control of sbc back 

LizardSquad4ever: already done 

LizardSquad4ever: hope we see you again troph 

LizardSquad4ever: and if you ever need a server griefed give us a call 

Trophy: uh 

Trophy: sure? 

Virginia

(Brennan walks into Pompeo's office and sees him drinking from a cup of liquor.)

Pompeo: John! How nice to see you! Sit down! Have a drink!

(Pompeo gives Brennan his bottle of liquor and an empty cup. Brennan fills the cup with liquor, sniffs it, then drinks from it.)

Pompeo: Oh, don't worry. If I wanted to poison you'd, I'd find much sneakier ways to do it.

(Brennan raises an eyebrow.)

Pompeo: So, how are you? How's the family?

Brennan: Couldn't we have discussed this on the phone?

(Pompeo drops a detailed sketch of Brennan on the table, with the words "Sketch of possible mole" written in cursive underneath.)

Pompeo: This was something I preferred discussing in person.

Brennan: What the hell is that?

Pompeo: I was hoping you could tell me, because while you were off doing God knows what, we were looking into that crazed alien on the loose. That idiot Grimes leaked a lot about what happened in the 60s, but thankfully, we were so shit at keeping records back then, he didn't find everything. No, that "mole" Richard Helms diverted resources from the alien program for had a sketch commissioned, and that sketch shows the mole looked exactly like you.

Brennan: (scoffs) T-that's impossible.

(Pompeo takes another drink from his cup and slams it on his desk.)

Pompeo: Is it?

(Pompeo gets closer to Brennan.)

Pompeo: Tell me again: where have you been for the past year?

[JCM]

Episode XLII

xat.com/sbcommunity

JCM: I’m telling you

JCM: I could care less about the solar eclipse

Jjs: Why?

JCM: I just don’t see what the big deal is

JCM: “ooh it’ll be dark for a couple of minutes in the afternoon”

JCM: like who cares?

Jjs: I do

Jjs: I learned about solar eclipses in Astronomy last year and thought they sounded really cool

JCM: just don’t come down here to get a better look

JCM: every other person on the east coast will be doing that already and it’ll be crowded enough

Jjs: Maybe I’ll come down anyway

SOF: will we get eclipse in Canada?

JCM: if it’ll keep you there, sure

(ding dong)

SOF: wb trophy

Trophy: hey

Trophy: has hilaryfan80 been back on yet?

JCM: not since you left

JCM: why?

Trophy: I talked with lizard squad and they should be giving him his shit back now

JCM: what did lizard squad want with you anyway?

Trophy: that’s something I actually wanted to discuss with you in private

JCM: (pc) whats up?

Trophy: (pc) wherever you are

Trophy: (pc) you need to pack up your shit and leave

Trophy: (pc) now

JCM: (pc) why?

Trophy: (pc) is hayden around?

Trophy: (pc) I feel like this is something we’ll need to talk about together

JCM: (pc) he left a couple minutes ago to play pokemon or whatever the heck he does when he isn’t on here

Trophy: (pc) well stay on until he gets back

Trophy: (pc) the sooner we’re all on the same page the easier this will be

Virginia

(Brennan is still in Pompeo’s office, holding the sketch and studying it.)

Brennan: This could be anyone.

Pompeo: Do you know how long we’ve had this? Months! And the only reason I didn’t immediately push this in your face as soon as I found out you were alive is because I believed you were still loyal to this agency, our agency!

Brennan: I am loyal.

Pompeo: No, you aren’t. If you were, you wouldn’t be keeping secrets from us. Or maybe you are loyal to us but more loyal to those damn fugitives! Is that what it is? Why are you protecting them?

Brennan: I won’t say anything else without a lawyer.

Pompeo: John, we’re your people. You shouldn’t need a lawyer to feel comfortable talking with us.

Brennan: I don’t feel comfortable, and I certainly don’t feel like “your people”. My kids have already turned against me. I could care less about all of you doing the same. If what I know put the agency or the country in danger, I’d tell you in a heartbeat, but it doesn’t, so I’d rather just keep it to myself.

Pompeo: Unfortunately for you, that isn’t your call to make anymore.

Brennan: (squints) I’m out of here.

(Brennan storms out of the office.)

Pompeo: You’ll be back! And don’t expect me to be as nice when you are!

xat.com/sbcommunity

hilaryfan80: well, that was an hour of my life I’ll never get back

Trophy: you’re welcome

hilaryfan80: get less shitty friends please kthx

(ding dong)

Trophy: FINALLY

Hayden: hmm?

Trophy: okay, we’re in a different dimension now

JCM: dangit trophy

JCM: give advance warning before doing something like that

JCM: I was on the phone with my boss

JCM: he’s gonna rip me a new one once we get back

Trophy: you probably won’t have that job after today anyway

Trophy: I have no idea how long we’ll be in hiding

Hayden: hiding?

Hayden: what the hell is going on?

Trophy: oh yeah

Trophy: so lizard squad told me that congress is passing a law that will let the cia do basically whatever they want to

Trophy: and none of us will be safe while it’s on the books

Hayden: but going into hiding?

Hayden: where would we even go?

Trophy: lizard squad already figured that out

Trophy: they have a cottage in ohio that they stayed in while the heat was on them

Hayden: and they want us to stay there?

Trophy: why not?

Hayden: I can think of a couple of reasons why not

Hayden: for one, I don’t trust them

Trophy: they’re the reason we aren’t currently bowing down to our alien overlords

Hayden: still don’t trust them

JCM: yeah, you know these guys, but we don’t know them at all

JCM: why should drop everything and fly hundreds of miles to a safe house run by a bunch of criminals?

Trophy: they’re not criminals

JCM: they literally just committed computer fraud

Trophy: okay, they’re criminals

Trophy: but that doesn’t make them bad people

Trophy: technically, we’re criminals, too

Hayden: yeah because the cia ganged up on us

Hayden: lizard squad is responsible for their own woes

Trophy: so you don’t believe them?

Hayden: oh, I believe what they’re saying about that law

Hayden: because it sounds like the type of shit the cia would pull

Hayden: I’ll be making my own precautions in response to it, though

JCM: will those “precautions” involve buying more weapons?

Hayden: I’ve always wanted a rocket shooter

Trophy: while you do that, I’ll be heading to ohio

Trophy: what about you, jcm?

JCM: eh I guess I’ll go to ohio with you

JCM: would hate you drag you down with my bum leg, though

Trophy: you have a bum leg, too?

JCM: what happened to yours?

Trophy: …

Trophy: I got shot

JCM: oh yeah

JCM: that was a thing that happened

Trophy: you’ve gone from being late on everything to just straight-up forgetting everything

JCM: dude you’ve been gone a year

JCM: my memory’s good but not that good

JCM: now take me back to my own dimension

Trophy: done

Jjs: done with what?

Trophy: life in general tbh

Trophy: Vikings missed the playoffs after starting 5-0

Trophy: kind of glad I missed that pain but now all I can do is wonder how they’ll disappoint me this year

Jjs: oh shit

Jjs: there was an alien sighting just a few miles away from where I live

JCM: there are like 20 alien sightings a day

JCM: none of them real

JCM: I wouldn’t be surprised if the alien were dead

JCM at least I hope it’s dead

JCM: for everyone’s sake

Florida

(A cargo ship sails away from Florida's shore. The captain of the ship hears noises in one of its compartments and goes into the compartment to investigate it.)

Captain: Hello? Is anybody in here?

(Suddenly, the alien from last season jumps onto the captain, and his screams echo through the compartment as the cargo ship floats down the Atlantic Ocean.)

[JCM]

Episode XLIII 

Virginia 

(CDCB is cleaning the windows of his and CF’s new office building.) 

CDCB: We’ve been open an entire day now and we haven’t even gotten one phone call. 

CF: Just be patient. We haven’t been operating very long and we’re not exactly the two most popular names right now. 

CDCB: (sighs) You’re right. I’m just not used to sitting around all day. 

CF: Yeah, with all the running around we’ve done recently, I can see that. 

CDCB: I’d much rather be here than prison, though. Speaking of that, have you seen your dad, yet? 

CF: No, and I don’t want to. 

CDCB: Come on. I know your relationship with him is...complicated, but he’s still your father. 

CF: He was going to kill my friends. He’s not my father anymore. 

CDCB: You don’t mean that. 

CF: Don’t tell me what I mean! 

(CF storms into another room.) 

CDCB: Wait! (to himself) Stupid! Stupid! 

xat.com/sbcommunity 

Cha: !8ball will guano ever find love? 

Mr. Krabs: Only time can tell… 

Crushingmayhem: !8ball will sbc exist in ten years? 

Mr. Krabs: The future is hazy. 

hilaryfan80: !8ball will we ever stop spamming 8ball? 

Mr. Krabs: Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. 

(ding dong) 

Jjs: yo abney 

Abeny: Is Hayden here? 

Hayden: why is everybody looking for me? 

Abney: I wanted to make sure you were okay 

Abney: And the number I usually call you at wasn’t working 

Hayden: I was getting too much phone spam 

Abney: Just let me know next time you change your number 

Hayden: why? 

Hayden: I don’t owe you anything 

Abney: Other than your freedom? 

Hayden: getting me acquitted was cool and everything 

Hayden: but I still deserve my privacy 

Abney: Well, if you screw up, it’ll make me look bad, too 

Hayden: is this abney the sbm admin talking or abney the bigtime lawyer? 

Hayden: never mind, they’re both assholes 

Abney: You ungrateful prick! 

Abney: I should have let you rot in prison! 

Hayden: then how would you become so famous you’d be able to start your own successful law firm? 

Hayden: because that’s the real reason you saved me, wasn’t it? 

Hayden: lol 

Hayden: he left 

SOF: you and abney not friends anymore? 

Hayden: we were never friends 

hilaryfan80: soo 

hilaryfan80: who wants to play a game of hangman? 

hilaryfan80: !hangman 

Cuba 

(A Guantanamo Bay detainee is hanging from a noose, his wrist linked to a monitor showing his vitals. Gina Haspel, the Deputy Director of the CIA, is in the room with him and two CIA agents. She watches the monitor carefully, then she turns to one of the CIA agents.) 

Haspel: Release him. 

(The agent pushes a button that loosens the noose. The detainee to fall to the ground, gasping for air. Haspel kneels down beside him.) 

Haspel: Is there anything you want to tell me now about your plan to blow up the CIA building? 

Detainee: (weakly) I have no idea what you are talking about. 

Haspel: (nods) Take him away. We’ll try again tomorrow. 

(The agents grab the detainee and drag him out of the room.) 

Detainee: No! Please! I don’t know anything! I swear! 

(Haspel’s cell phone vibrates in her pocket. She takes it out, sees Pompeo on the screen, and answers it.) 

Pompeo: Got anything from the terrorist yet? 

Haspel: No, but we’ll break him. How about Brennan? Any luck with him? 

Pompeo: Unfortunately not. 

Haspel: Do you really think the aliens turned him? 

Pompeo: I think the aliens did a lot more than turn him. 

Haspel: What do you mean? 

Pompeo: I’ll explain it to you later. Since you’re done in Gitmo, I’ll need you to do something for me in the US. 

Virginia 

(CDCB is on his laptop when CF walks back out of the room.) 

CDCB: Hey, I’m really sorry for pressuring you about seeing your dad. 

CF: No, you were right. Despite everything, I do want to see him, and I feel awful about it. 

CDCB: You shouldn’t feel awful about. Like I said, he’s your father. 

CF: Yeah, but knowing my dad is capable of what he’s done sickens me. 

CDCB: It sickens me, too, and I’m not the biggest fan of your father, but I know you love him, which is why I think seeing him would be good for both of you. 

CF: (sighs) Okay. I’ll see him tomorrow. One good thing about him being in prison is I know he can’t hurt anybody anymore. 

(A notification appears on CDCB’s laptop about a new email. CDCB clicks it, and the email pops up.) 

CDCB: Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God, he has it! 

CF: Has what? 

CDCB: A VHS containing Nickelodeon’s first hour of programming ever! I’ve spent years trying to get this in my hands, and it turns out my friend from childhood scored it a couple of months ago! 

(CDCB puts on a jacket.) 

CDCB: I’ll be driving over there to watch it with him. Think you can hold up the fort while I’m gone? 

CF: I basically do that while you’re here. 

CDCB: Thanks! Bye! 

(CDCB runs out the building, gets into a car, and drives away.) 

Ohio 

(JCM parks his rental car in front of a building, where Trophy is already waiting for him.) 

Trophy: Took you long enough. 

JCM: Sorry if I don’t have as much experience going on the run. Also, you owe me money for that same-day flight. It’s highway robbery what they charge people. 

Trophy: Are you done complaining? 

JCM: I’m never done complaining. 

Trophy: Let’s go. 

(JCM and Trophy walk into building to find Haspel with dozens of CIA agents waiting for them.) 

Trophy: Shit! 

(Trophy turns around, and a shot flies by his head.) 

Haspel: I wouldn’t recommend doing that. 

Trophy: I know all about that law you’re trying to get Congress to pass, but until it passes, what you’re doing right now is illegal! 

(Haspel takes her cell phone out of her pocket with a news site open and gives it to Trophy.) 

Haspel: Good thing we got the law passed 30 minutes ago. 

(Trophy scrolls through the news site anxiously then sighs.) 

Trophy: So Lizard Squad. They’re working for you? 

Haspel: Indeed. 

Trophy: For how long? 

Haspel: Since we found them holed up here. The guys they went to for fake passports were secretly working for the FBI, and they turned Lizard Squad over to us. In exchange for full immunity, Lizard Squad agreed to use their talents to help us down other criminals like you two. 

JCM: Listen, neither of us are criminals. I used to work for the CIA! 

Haspel: And your service is appreciated, but you became a criminal as soon as you chose to associate with these people. Tell me: were you friends with the alien lovers while you were working for Cohen? Are you responsible for his death? 

JCM: Bite me. 

Haspel: Don’t worry. We’ll get it out of you. How much pain you have to go through before we do is up to you. 

(Haspel closes the door to the building as the CIA agents surround JCM and Trophy.) 

[JCM]

Episode XLIV 

Massachusetts 

(James Campbell is on his couch, watching a rerun of Bewitched, when his doorbell rings. He walks slowly to the door of his apartment and looks through the peephole, finding Edgar standing on the other side. Campbell opens the door to let Edgar in.) 

Campbell: Glad you made it back safe. 

Edgar: Thanks to you! I can’t believe I ever thought you were crazy! 

Campbell: (chuckles) Just because I was right about time travel doesn’t mean I’m not crazy. 

Edgar: Still, this is an amazing discovery! Imagine what we could do if we went to the scientific community with this! We could study the dinosaurs in their natural habitat! We could pick some of the greatest minds to ever exist! 

(Campbell shakes his head.) 

Campbell: Time travel is too dangerous. I was never even comfortable publicizing my temporal phone. The space-time continuum is a very fragile thing. Even ignoring the threat of paradoxes, constantly going back and forth in time can stretch the continuum so much that it causes really bad things to happen. It can even lead to the destruction of the universe. 

Edgar: So, I’m just supposed to sit on what I know? 

Campbell: You get used to it after some time. 

(Edgar sits down on the couch and sighs.) 

Campbell: Would you like some tea? 

Edgar: No, thank you. 

Campbell: Come on! You’ve already interrupted Bewitched. Might as well give these old hands something to do. 

Edgar: Alright, alright. I’ll take green tea, if you have it. 

Campbell: I do. 

(As Campbell makes the green tea, Edgar picks up the remote and starts flipping through the channels. He stops on CNN.) 

Announcer: Welcome back to the Clinton News Network! Reminding you how wrong you were 24 hours daily! 

Reporter: Donald Trump has just signed into law a measure giving the Central Intelligence Agency unprecedented rights to go after who they deem to be “domestic threats to national security”. Here’s CIA director Mike Pompeo with his reaction to the passing of the law, which had been rushed through Congress and put on the president’s desk in a matter of hours. 

Pompeo: This is a great day for the country. Finally we can wake up in the morning knowing our families will be safe without meddling from activist judges or so-called “civil liberties” organizations. We here at the CIA are the real ones protecting your liberty, and we’ll continue doing that by using the agency’s newly granted powers to get the fugitive four off the streets for good. 

Edgar: Shit! 

Campbell: Are you okay, Edgar? 

Edgar: Yeah, I just need to call somebody. 

(Edgar goes into Campbell’s restroom and dials a number on his cell phone.) 

Virginia 

(CF is still in the office building drawing doodles when the phone beside her rings. She picks it up.) 

CF: Hello? 

Edgar: (on the phone) You have to get out of there! Now! 

CF: Why? 

(A man in a trench coat walks into the building.) 

CF: Sorry, we’re closed. 

(The man pulls a gun out of the trench coat.) 

CF: Shit! 

(CF ducks under her desk and bullets fly over her.) 

Edgar: What’s going on? Are you okay? 

CF: Thanks for the warning, but you’re a little late! 

(CF grabs a gun taped under the desk, waits for the gunfire to stall, then jumps up right as the man throws the now-empty gun behind him and reaches into his trench coat for another one. CF shoots the man in the chest three times. The man staggers, drops to his knees, and vomits blood. CF walks up to him slowly, gun pointed at his face.) 

CF: Who do you work for? 

(The man tries to say something but gurgles blood instead. He falls to his side, his breathing getting slower and slower until it finally stops.) 

Edgar: (still on the phone) Hello? Hello? 

(CF rolls her eyes and walks over to the phone.) 

CF: I’ll talk to you later, Edgar. 

(CF hangs the phone up then picks the phone back up and dials 911.) 

Cuba 

(A cargo ship lands on the shore of Guantanamo Bay. Soldiers immediately run towards the ship, and the alien, with the bodies of the passengers it killed tied around it, jumps off the ship. The soldiers fire at the alien, but the bodies absorb the bullets, and once the alien gets close enough to the soldiers, it unties the bodies wrapped around it and murders all of the soldiers without any difficulty. The alien then puts on one of the soldiers’ clothes and grabs its weapon before continuing on to the detention camp.) 

New York 

(Hayden is driving home from a shooting range, a box of guns in his backseat. He notices a long, black car with tinted windows following him. He grabs a gun from the box and puts it in his pocket before speeding up. The black car speeds up, too, and Hayden makes a sharp turn to try and lose it, but it ends up in his rearview mirror again before long. Hayden sighs and stops the car, but the black car doesn’t slow down at all, and in fact speeds up.) 

Hayden: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! 

(Hayden starts the car again, but he can’t accelerate it fast enough to avoid the black car’s inevitable collision with his. Suddenly, a large truck rams into the black car from the street perpendicular to theirs.) 

Hayden: Whoa! 

(Hayden turns around his car, hand on the gun in his pocket, and slowly drives toward the large truck. A man walks out of the truck and waves at him. Hayden stops his car and gets out of it, too.) 

Hayden: Thanks for saving me, but who are you? 

Man: You don’t recognize me? It’s me, Liam. 

Hayden: Liam? That Liam? 

Liam: (smiles) Do you know any other Liams with British accents, mate? 

(Hayden glances at the black car, whose driver is now dead.) 

Hayden: I guess you’ll be explaining all of this? 

Liam: This and more if you’re willing to stop by my place for some fish and chips. 

Hayden: Sure. 

Liam: Could you drive us there in your car, though? Mine’s not exactly in tip-top shape. 

Hayden: (rolls eyes) Fine. 

(Hayden and Liam drive to Liam's condo, and when they walk inside it, there's a man waiting for them.)

Hayden: Who are you?

Man: My name is Christopher. You may know me as the alien proxy you replaced.

Hayden: W-what? But you're dead.

Christopher: No, I am very much alive. And that's not all.

Hayden: What can you tell me that can possibly top the fact that air is currently going through your lungs?

Christopher: I'm your father.

Hayden: (pauses) Yep, that'll do it.

[Hayden]

Liam and Christopher are a fun addition/return

Stoked for next week!