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Previously on JCMovies

Cha: Do you sell fortune cookies here?

JCM: Here you go!

(As JCM and Cha break their fortune cookies, they read the same fortune inside them:

A journey soon begins
Its prize reflected in another's eyes
When what you see is what you lack
Then selfless love will change you back)

JCM: JCM...I think we just switched bodies.

(JCM and Cha scream. Later that day, Cha is outside of the SpongeBob Community School talking to MCJ on her phone.)

MCJ: Can we try again?

Cha: I...guess so.

MCJ: Meet you at my place at 8?

Cha: Actually, I might need a little more time to think about

(MCJ hangs up the phone.)

Cha: Gosh darn it.

JCM Walks Another Mile in Cha's Shoes

(Cha knocks on the door of MCJ's house, and JCM opens it.)

JCM: Surprise, motherfucker!

(JCM punches Cha in the face.)

Cha: (rubs cheek) So, I assume shinya wasn't able to figure out how to return us to our own bodies?

JCM: No! And it certainly didn't help that you abandoned us! But that's not even what I'm most pissed about right now! Why in God's name would you agree to go on a date with MCJ?

Cha: It kind of just...happened.

JCM: First Sauce, now MCJ! Do you want to fuck all your siblings?

Cha: Keep it down! He'll hear!

JCM: I don't give a shit! You need to call it off!

Cha: I can't! It would destroy him!

JCM: He's a fucking asshole! Who cares?

Cha: He's still my brother! Yeah, he can mean sometimes, and yeah, he's tried to kill me on more than one occasion, but he's family.

JCM: Is this some kind of Thor/Loki thing you two have going on?

Cha: Thor? Loki? Are those people from school?

JCM: Literally, have you been alive these past ten years?

MCJ: (from upstairs) Is everything okay?

Cha: Yeah, MCJ! Just waiting for you to come down!

JCM: (whispering) Fucking call it off.

Cha: (whispering) No. I'll go on one date with him, and then I'll let him down gently.

JCM: (whispering) You piece of shit. If we return to our own bodies, I'll fucking kill you.

Cha: (whispering) Thank you for understanding.

(MCJ comes down the stairs in a suit.)

MCJ: Okay, I'm ready! You look beautiful as usual, Cha.

(JCM gags.)

MCJ: Is there something you want to say, brother?

Cha: No, he's probably just choking on the air. Let's go!

(MCJ and Cha leave the house and get into MCJ's car. He drives them to a high-end restaurant on the other side of town. They pass Michael Bolton, who's singing his greatest hits, on the way to their table.)

MCJ: So, Cha, what have you been up to these last five years or so?

Cha: Oh...you know...just living my best life.

MCJ: Wow, that's great! So uh, you like steak?

Cha: No, not really...

MCJ: Waiter!

(A waiter appears at the table seconds later.)

MCJ: Steak for both of us!

Waiter: You got it.

Cha: What?

Waiter: And what will you have to drink?

MCJ: Champagne fine with you?

Cha: No, it isn't!

MCJ: Come on! Your name's in it! CHAmpagne! You need to try it at least once!

Cha: I swear to gosh, MCJ!

Waiter: I'll just get her water.

MCJ: (sighs) Fine. Get me the biggest bottle of liquor you have, though.

(The waiter nods before leaving.)

Cha: Listen, MCJ, this isn't going to work. It's not that I don't like you, it's just that...I don't like you.

MCJ: But...the date is just getting started.

Cha: And I'm ending it. Bye, MCJ.

(Cha starts to leave the restaurant, and MCJ follows her to where Michael Bolton is playing.)

MCJ: At least let me drive you home!

Cha: I'll take a cab. Also, the next time you think of calling me...don't.

(As Cha walks out of the restaurant, MCJ turns back to his table with a heartbroken expression on his face.)


MCJ: Put a sock in it, asshole.

(After MCJ returns to his table, the waiter returns with two plates of steak and one large bottle of liquor.)

Waiter: Is she coming back?

MCJ: Just give me the bill and leave me the fuck alone.

(As MCJ starts drinking his liquor, Cha gets into a cab and tells the driver to take her to JCM's house. When she gets there, she knocks on the door, and JCM opens it.)

JCM: Finished using my body for your sick, twisted version of twincest?

(Cha breaks down into tears, and JCM awkwardly hugs her.)

Cha: You were right! My brother is a jerk! I had to destroy him. I'm afraid to see what's left.

JCM: Let's just focus on getting back into our own bodies before we have to deal with any of that.

(JCM and Cha stand on opposite sides of the room.)

JCM: One..two...three!

(JCM and Cha run into each other head-first, and after they collide, they fall to the ground in pain.)

JCM: That was a dumb fucking idea. Shit, maybe you're rubbing off on me. I have to get out of this body now.

Cha: What was it that fortune cookie said before we switched bodies?

JCM: I don't even fucking remember anymore. Something about selfless love?

Cha: Selfless love! That's it! Cha...

(Cha grabs JCM by the shoulders.)

Cha: I love you.

(Just as Cha says that, MCJ walks into the house.)

MCJ: What the fuck?

Cha: Wow! That was literally the worst time for me to say that!

MCJ: It all makes sense now. Getting all my dad's affection wasn't enough for you! You had to take the only woman I ever loved away from me, too!

Cha: Are...are you going to try to kill him again?

MCJ: Of course! And after I'm done with that, I'll kill you, too! Be right back!

(MCJ runs up the stairs and goes into his room, slamming the door behind him.)

Cha: Cha...close your eyes.

JCM: What? Why?

Cha: Just...close your eyes, and try not to feel bad about what happens next.

(JCM closes and opens his eyes. Suddenly, Cha faints. MCJ comes back down the stairs wielding an axe.)

MCJ: You have no idea how many times I've dreamed about using this on you!

(JCM points an open palm at MCJ and shoots a powerful blast of energy at him that severs his right arm.)

MCJ: Ouch! What the fuck? That hurt!

(MCJ swings the axe at JCM several times with his left arm, and JCM avoids every swing before grabbing the axe, breaking it, and kicking MCJ so hard that he flies through a wall. JCM closes and opens his eyes again and looks down at his hands.)

JCM: Oh my gosh! I'm myself again!

(JCM looks at Cha, who wakes up and smiles softly.)

Cha: You did it. You broke the stupid Freaky Friday curse.

(Cha faints again, and JCM calls an ambulance to pick up Cha and MCJ, who's bleeding profusely out of the socket his right arm used to be in.)


(Cha is eating at shinya's Korean restaurant again. JCM walks up to her table.)

JCM: Would you like some CHAmpagne?

Cha: Huh? Do you sell that here?

JCM: No, it was a joke. A bad joke, but still a joke, I guess.

Cha: (nods) How's your brother?

JCM: In a lot of hot water. Apparently, he drove home super drunk and killed a lot of pedestrians on the way there. A judge said he was planning to throw the book at my brother, which is a weird punishment. I would prefer they just lock MCJ up. He doesn't need anything getting thrown at him.

Cha: You're a good person, JCM, even though you might not show it much.

JCM: Thanks. You aren't half good yourself.

Cha: I think you mean half bad.

JCM: If it's half, does it really matter which way I go?

Cha: You know, you're smarter than people give you credit for. Not much, but still.

JCM: Thanks...I think?

Cha: But your dick is much smaller than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be really, really small.

JCM: Please stop talking.

(The End)

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JCM Gets Trapped in a Video Game

(JCM walks into the SpongeBob Community School, and Jjs immediately stops him.)

Jjs: What the fuck are you doing here? I said if you entered the school again, you'd be charged for trespassing!

JCM: Wumbo told me to come here!

Jjs: Wumbo!

(Wumbo runs out of his classroom.)

Wumbo: JCM! You're here!

Jjs: What the fuck are you up to now?

Wumbo: You told me not to experiment on students and faculty anymore, so I rounded up a bunch of old faculty members to test out my new gaming system!

Jjs: Why does it have to happen here?

Wumbo: Because I set up the rig for the gaming system in our arcade room nobody uses anymore.

JCM: Ooh, I forgot about that place!

Wumbo: Come on! OMJ and Steel are already in there! Also, Jjs, could you teach the rest of my class? Those kids get pretty rowdy when they're by themselves for a while.

Jjs: The fuck? No!

Wumbo: Thanks! We'll be back in a jiff!

(Wumbo and JCM go to the arcade room, where there is now a large machine with four Oculus Rift-like headsets connected to it. Steel Sponge and OMJ are already wearing two of the headsets.)

JCM: What game are we going to playing on this?

Wumbo: Something my friend sblover coded. It's one of those massively multiplayer online games, and it works perfectly with my gaming system!

(Wumbo and JCM put on the two other headsets, and they immediately find themselves in a lush field with different bodies, Wumbo's now that of a large viking and JCM's now that of a fairy with large breasts.)

JCM: What the heck?

Wumbo: This is how you know men designed this game.

(JCM flies around haphazardly.)

JCM: I don't like this! Can I choose a different avatar?

Wumbo: The game doesn't have that functionality yet. Sorry.

(Wumbo and JCM meet OMJ, who has the body of a samurai, and Steel Sponge, who has the body of a centaur.)

Steel Sponge: Does this horse butt make me look fat?

Wumbo: Do you want the nice answer or the honest answer?

(sbl, who now has the body of a Mongolian warrior, greets the four of them.)

sbl: Hello! Welcome to my game!

JCM: Can you please change me to something different?

sbl: Why? Are your boobs not big enough?


sbl: Calm down. It's just a game. Anyway, the war is about to start, so make sure you're all prepared for it.

Steel Sponge: A war? That sounds fun!

sbl: Well, try not to have too much fun, because if you die in the game, you'll die in real life.

Wumbo: Wait, what? Why didn't you mention that to me before I installed it in my machine?

sbl: Because then you wouldn't have installed it in your machine, silly! Don't worry. You're not the only sucker with a rising VR system I got to try this out. You'll have a lot of competition!

JCM: I'm not doing this! How do we quit the game?

sbl: The only way to leave the game is to win this coming war. You'll be fighting against several other teams of four, all looking for the same thing: this key.

(sbl takes out a large 8-bit key, which then spins in his hand.)

sbl: This is the key to the real world, and I'm the only one who has it.

(Wumbo tries to take the key, and it dissolves before he can touch it.)

sbl: I'll be streaming this on Twitch, so make sure you have your game faces on. Bye!

(sbl disappears.)

Steel Sponge: Why, Wumbo. Why would you trust a Twitch streamer?

Wumbo: (crying) I'm sorry! I thought he was different!

(The ground starts to shake.)

Steel Sponge: Oh, my god. They're coming.

JCM: I don't want to die in this body!

OMJ: Don't worry. We're not going to die. We're going to fight.

(A spear flies into OMJ's head.)

OMJ: Fuck me.

(OMJ dies.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh!

(Wumbo grabs OMJ's shield, and he throws it to Steel Sponge before covering himself as more spears and other projectiles fly towards them. JCM joins Wumbo under his shied.)

JCM: How are we going to win this?

Wumbo: Like OMJ said, we have to fight. And we're going to.

(An enemy team breaks away from the chaos of multiple teams fighting in the distance, and Steel Sponge grabs one of the spears that bounced off his shield before charging at the team with JCM and Wumbo. Wumbo kills two of the players with his sword, and Steel Sponge kills another with his spear before the fourth member of the team jumps on the horse part of his body and stabs it, causing him to neigh loudly. JCM points at the player, and magic dust flies out of his finger, turning him into a butterfly. The butterfly flies to JCM and bites him.)

JCM: Ouch! What did you do that for?

Butterfly: You turned me into a fucking butterfly!

JCM: Oh, right!

(Wumbo crushes the butterfly between his hands.)

Wumbo: They aren't shooting stuff at us anymore, so maybe they're low on weapons.

Steel Sponge: I'm not about to get close to that clusterfuck to find out.

(After several minutes of fighting, one team remains, and its members start running towards JCM, Wumbo, and Steel Sponge.)

Wumbo: Get ready.

Steel Sponge: Wait...do you see those names over their heads?

Wumbo: Holy shit! Metal Snake, Tron, Cream, and Zaid! They joined the faculty of MLP High years ago! I totally forgot about them!

JCM: Are we...still going to fight them?

Steel Sponge: We have to.

Wumbo: It's either them or us.

Tron: Eat arrow, bitches!

(Tron shoots several arrows at JCM, Wumbo, and Sponge Sponge, and Wumbo and Steel Sponge are able to block all of them with their shields.)

Wumbo: Our turn.

(Wumbo throws his sword into Zaid's chest, blocks another round of arrows, and pulls his sword from Zaid's chest before stabbing Tron with it.)

Tron: Fuck...you.

(After Tron dies, Cream uses a whip to wrap up Wumbo's sword and pull it away from him. As she runs towards Wumbo, he avoids cracks from her whip, and once she's close enough to swing at him with his sword, he struggles to block every swing with with his shield, getting cut several times. Steel Sponge engages with Metal Snake, who uses his own shield to block Steel Sponge's spear attacks while swinging at Steel Sponge with a flail.)

Metal Snake: You'll pay for killing Tron!

Steel Sponge: I can barely even afford to pay rent, motherfucker!

(Steel Sponge drives his spear into Metal Snake's shoulder, causing Metal Snake to fall to the ground and cough up blood. Steel Sponge prepares to finish Metal Snake off, but then JCM flies in front of him.)

JCM: Wait! I can't let you kill Metal Snake! We've had too many good times together at the school. We graduated together. There must be some other way to get out of this game.

Metal Snake: You know there isn't, JCM.

(Tears well up in JCM's eyes.)

Metal Snake: Just get it over wi-

(Steel Sponge drives his spear into Metal Snake's chest. As Wumbo fights Cream, he's able to recover his sword, then he wraps Cream's whip around his arm and pulls her into his sword, killing her. Steel Sponge, JCM, and Wumbo return to the middle of the field, and sbl appears with the key.)

sbl: Congratulations! You've gotten us the most-watched Twitch stream of all time!

JCM: Yes, but at what cost?

Wumbo: To be fair, Metal Snake was kind of a dick anyway.

(Wumbo grabs the key.)

Wumbo: How do we use this thing to get outta here?

sbl: It's mostly symbolic. You could have left at any time by clicking your heels three times and saying, "There's no place like Canada".

Steel Sponge: What? Goddamn it!

Wumbo: Goddamn it!

JCM: Gosh darn it!

(The End)

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JCM Saves the School from Another Deranged Former Nickelodeon Star

(Patback walks into shin's Korean restaurant, where JCM is wiping down the tables.)

Patback: JCM! I've been looking all over for you!

JCM: What do you want?

Patback: I wanted to invite you to my graduation ceremony. Everyone will be there! HawkbitAlpha, Lightning McStorm, pretty much everyone who used to be a dick but is okay now!

JCM: Even Person?

Patback: No, he died again.

JCM: Aww.

Patback: Anyway, the ceremony will be tomorrow morning if you want to come.

JCM: I definitely will!

(The next day, JCM rides his scooter to the city's multipurpose arena. There, hundreds of people are gathered for the SpongeBob Community School's graduation ceremony. Jjs walks onto the stage to give his speech.)

Jjs: It's crazy how much this school has grown in the past ten years. I would like to thank everyone for coming to celebrate the accomplishments of this wonderful graduating class. Thanks to these seniors, we finished with the highest score ever on the State Aptitude Exam. That's more money for the future, more money for the students, and more money for cocaine, I mean, more money for the students! And I would like to honor one student in particular, our valedictorian, magic the veenom! Magic will be giving our next speech.

(Magic replaces Jjs on the stage.)

Magic: Thank you, jjstheprincipal.

(Magic takes a piece of folded paper out of his pocket.)

Magic: Webster's Dictionary says

Patback: Holy shit! It's Jerry Trainor!

(Beloved actor Jerry Trainor walks into the arena and waves as everybody cheers him on.)

Jerry Trainor: Thank you! Thank you! I love to be among fans!

Magic: (annoyed) Yeah, yeah, that's great. Can I continue my speech now?

(Jerry Trainor pulls out a gun.)

Jerry Trainor: You're not doing shit!

(Everybody in the arena panics. Jerry Trainor motions for Magic to leave the stage, and he does so reluctantly as Jerry Trainor replaces him.)

Jerry Trainor: Now, I haven't been able to get a lot of work for a couple of years due to people thinking I'm "a drunk" and "unhinged".

(Jerry Trainor drinks from a flask, and when he sees a person in the audience trying to tiptoe out of the area, he shoots that person in the head.)

Jerry Trainor: Unhinged! Don't you think that's crazy?

Jjs: Jerry, please! You don't have to do this!

Jerry Trainor: Yes! I fucking do! All of you, start recording! When people see how funny I still am, they'll have to give me a new show! They'll have to!

(Everybody in the audience take out their phones and start recording Jerry Trainor.)

Jerry Trainor: Oh, yeah! Make sure you get my good side!

(An audience member sprints to the door, and Jerry Trainor shoots him in the back.)

Jerry Trainor: Come on, guys! You can do better than this! I haven't even started my comedy routine!

(JCM finds HawkbitAlpha and Patback in the crowd.)

JCM: What do we do?

HawkbitAlpha: Don't do you have some kind of anime superpower you can stop him with?

JCM: I...I can't. There's too many people.

(In Washington DC, an FBI agent walks into the FBI director's office.)

Agent: I have bad news.

Director: What is it?

Agent: Jerry Trainor is holding an entire building hostage.

Director: Again? (sighs) Do what you need to do.

(Back in the arena, Jerry Trainor is telling jokes on stage, and the audience is laughing at all of them nervously.)

Patback: JCM, you have to do something.

(JCM closes and opens his eyes.)

JCM: Nope, nothing.

Magic: Fuck this! I'm finishing my speech no matter what!

Jjs: Are you insane?

(Magic runs towards the stage.)

Jjs: Magic! No!

(Several FBI agents are in front of a door. One of them counts down from three before they all run in.)

Agent: FBI! Stop what you're doing! Oh...shit! We got the wrong Jerry!

Jerry Seinfeld: What's the deal with that?

(Back in the arena, Magic climbs onto the stage. When Jerry Trainor notices him, he points his gun at Magic, but before he can pull the trigger, a blast of energy knocks the gun out of his hand, Jerry Trainor watches in horror as JCM floats above the crowd.)

JCM: Leave Magic and everybody here alone!

Jerry Trainor: Fuck you! (crying) All I wanted to do was have a show again! All I wanted to do was...feel wanted again.

JCM: There are better ways to do that, Jerry. Please, just leave them alone.

Jerry Trainor: (pauses) No.

(Jerry Trainor goes for his gun, and JCM shoots another blast of energy at him that sends his body parts flying everywhere in a violent, bloody explosion. JCM sinks back into the crowd, and he closes and opens his eyes again, clearly upset at what he had just done.)

JCM: I'm...a monster.

HawkbitAlpha: You had no other choice.

JCM: But was it really my choice to make?

(JCM starts to leave the arena, but Jjs stops him.)

Jjs: Hey, JCM, I've been pretty harsh to you these last few months. If you ever want to come back, my door is open.

JCM: Thanks, but no thanks. I think I've had enough of SBC for one lifetime.

Jjs: What if I offer you a teaching job? Dragiin's about to retire, so we'll be looking for somebody to teach PE.

JCM: (pauses) Let me think about it.

(JCM walks out of the arena, and then he walks back in a few seconds later.)

JCM: Okay, I thought it about it. I'm in!

(FBI agents run into the arena, clearly out of breath.)

Agent: FBI...stop...what you're doing.

JCM: I already killed him.

Agent: Fuck me!

(The End)

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JCM Goes on a Wild Kev Hunt

(JCM walks into jjs' office.)

jjs: Hey, JCM! Great job teaching PE! None of the kids have broken any bones yet, so you're already doing better than drag usually does at this point of the school year!

JCM: Thanks!

jjs: Anyway, since you have no other classes today, I wanted you to do something for me. One of our students, kev, hasn't showed up in almost a week, and as you know, our state funding comes per student, so we can't have anyone going missing that long without an excuse.

JCM: What do you want me to do about it?

(jjs takes a rifle out from under his desk. JCM gasps.)

jjs: Don't worry! This is just a tranquilizer gun. I need you to bring kev back to school, by force if necessary. If he isn't in Clappy's third period history class, we'll be forced to count him absent for the fifth straight day, which means we'll no longer be able to make money from him.

JCM: Or expand his mind with the gift of education?

jjs: Yeah, but mostly make money from him. Now, chop chop! Third period begins in an hour!

JCM: You've got it!

(JCM runs into the door and falls to the ground. When he gets back up, his lips are swollen.)

jjs: You okay?

JCM: Yeah, I'll be alwight.

jjs: Uh, make sure that you remember how door handles work.

JCM: Aye aye, sow!

jjs: You mean "sir"?

JCM: That's what I said, isn't it?

(JCM leaves the office.)

jjs: Why do I get the feeling this will be a clusterfuck?

(JCM, wearing a hunter's hat and hunter's jacket, tiptoes into the mall. He turns to one of the vendors.)

JCM: Shh. Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting twuants.

Vender: (looks both ways) Okay?

(JCM notices kev walking into a comic book shop. He goes in after kev. After looking through the latest issue of Batman But He Kills People And Really Really Hates Muslims (written by Frank Miller), kev lowers the comic book to find JCM pointing his tranquilizer gun at kev's face.)

JCM: Now listen, you awe gonna come back with me to the SpongeBob Community School, or I'll dwag you there knocked out.

kev: Fuck off, old man!

JCM: Option 2, then.

(kev ducks just as JCM shoots the tranquilizer dart, causing him to knock out the owner of the comic book shop instead.)

kev: Cool! Now I don't have to pay for this!

(kev jumps onto JCM's tranquilizer gun just as he shoots another dart, hops over JCM, and leaves the store holding the comic he was reading.)

JCM: You come back hewe, and you pay for that book!

(JCM chases kev through the mall, but kev loses him a few minutes later.)

JCM: Whewe is that wascaly twuant?

(kev taps JCM's shoulder from behind, and when JCM turns around, kev kisses him before punching him with a fist covered by a boxing glove.)

kev: Best $12 I ever spent.

(kev's punch sends JCM flying to the other side of the mall, and after he lands, he gets back up with tiny birds flying around his head.)

JCM: You haven't seen the last of JCM: Twuant Huntew!

(As kev walks out of the mall, laughing, JCM catches up with him again, pointing his tranquilizer gun at kev's face again with a furious expression on his own face.)

JCM: You could have made this easy for me. You could have just come back to the school with me, but no! You had to make it hawd for me! And now...I'll make it hawd for you.

kev: (nervous) B-be careful how you're pointing that.

JCM: Shut up!

(JCM shoves the tranquilizer gun into kev's face, and he falls to the ground dramatically.)

JCM: K-kev?

(JCM kneels beside kev, whose eyes are closed and whose tongue is sticking out of his mouth.)

JCM: Oh, no! I killed him! I killed him for skipping school! What's wong with me?

(JCM starts crying. kev opens one eye before closing it shut again.)

JCM: I'm a monstew! I don't desewve to teach kids! All kev wanted to do was have some fun, and I muwdewed him for it!

kev: (whispering) Come closer.

JCM: kev?

(JCM gets closer to him.)

kev: Closer.

(JCM gets even closer)

kev: Closer.

(JCM gets so close that his ear is right in front of kev's mouth.)

kev: (screaming) I'M NOT DEAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

(JCM is so startled that he drops his tranquilizer gun, and kev picks it up before pointing it at JCM.)

kev: (in bad Austrian accent) Hasta la vista, baby.

(kev shoots a dart into JCM's neck, and when JCM wakes up, he's in Clappy's third period history class.)

Clappy: kev?

JCM: (slurred) Here.

Clappy: (shrugs) Good enough.

(Clappy puts a check beside kev's name on the attendance sheet before moving on.)

JCM: That's all, folks. (passes out again)

(The End)

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JCM Un-ironically Saves a Superhero (Again (in HD!))

(JCM is in Fred's English class.)

Fred: Today, we're going to learn about irony. Can anybody here give an example of something ironic?

(dmandaman raises his hand.)

Fred: dman?

dmandaman: When it rains on your wedding day?

Fred: No, you fucking idiot. That's coincidence.

JCM: Don't swear at students, Fred.

Fred: What the FUCK are you doing in my classroom?

JCM: jjs gave me the day off teaching PE so I could monitor the other teachers and write a report for the state superintendent.

Fred: Couldn't they have given the job to somebody else? Like, anybody else?

JCM: I was the only person the superintendent trusted to write an accurate report.

Fred: Fuck the superintendent, and fuck you too!

(JCM starts writing.)

Fred: No...don't write that...goddamn it. I'm a year away from tenure. I don't need this shit.

(Suddenly, a man wearing a mask jumps into the classroom from an open window.)

Man: AAAH! I'm the Open Window Maniac!

(The students start talking to each other loudly.)

Fred: Shut the fuck up! I mean, shut the heck up! Bro, this is too hard.

(Fred stares at the man in the mask.)

Fred: And who the hell are you supposed to be?

Man: Like I just said, I'm the Open Window Manic, but you can call me OWM for short.

Fred: I'm not going to do that. Whoever you are, get out of my classroom, and that goes for you too, JCM.

JCM: Wait, the Open Window Manic? I read about you in the newspaper yesterday!

dmandaman: They still make newspapers?

JCM: You've been terrorizing open windows all around Circuit City!

OWM: (blushes) I'm happy you appreciate my work. What are you doing tonight?

Fred: Go flirt somewhere else! I have a class to teach!

(The next morning, HawkbitAlpha, Lightning McStorm, and Patback walk out of a smoothie shop together. They see Person walking towards them, and they immediately walk in the other direction.)

Person: Hey, guys! Wait up!

HawkbitAlpha: Oh! Person! We, uh...we didn't notice you!

Person: It's been forever! How have you guys been?

Patback: We've been okay...I guess.

Person: So, what are y'all about to do? I'd love to join!

HawkbitAlpha: Uh...we'd rather you not.

Person: Why not? I'm reformed, just like you guys!

Lightning McStorm: I...highly doubt that.

Person: Fuck you! I'll show I'm a good guy now! I'll...I'll bring back Superhero!

Patback: That alter ego of yours nobody likes?

HawkbitAlpha: As somebody who used to love taking on other identities, it doesn't matter who you become if who you are is a piece of shit.

Person: You're wrong! I'm going to become Superhero, I'm going to beat up some bad guys, and people will love me again!

(Person runs away in tears.)

Lightning McStorm: Person's going to get himself killed. What do we do?

HawkbitAlpha: He probably won't listen to any of us, but maybe there is somebody he'll listen to.

(A few hours later, Person is in his apartment, watching the news in a Superman costume that is clearly too small for him now.)

Reporter: This just in, the Open Window Maniac has struck again, this time at an apartment building on the corner of 4th and 8th street.

Person: Wait...that's my apartment building!

(Person looks out of his open window and finds OWM crawling out of the window of an apartment a few floors below him.)

Person: Hey!

OWM: (looks up) Hey! What's up?

Person: You're a bad guy!

OWM: Yeah, I guess I am!

(Person sees a tree branch across from him and takes a few steps back before running, jumping, and grabbing onto the tree branch.)

Person: Success!

(The tree branch breaks, causing him to fall to the ground hard on his back.)

OWM: (laughs) That was funny! Remember to close your window, or I'll be paying you a visit tonight.

Person: (crying) Fuck you!

(OWM drives away in his car, and Person forces himself onto his feet, limps to his car, and gets in before speeding after OWM.)

OWM: (notices Person in the rearview mirror) What the fuck?

(OWM tries to lose Person, but Person remains on his tail. OWM abandons his original destination and heads for the SpongeBob Community School with Person still behind him. Once they reach the school, JCM and HawkbitAlpha walk out.)

JCM: OWM? I thought we agreed last night that you weren't going to hit the school anymore.

OWM: I'm not. I hoped you could do something about this clown in a Superman costume.

JCM: Person? How ironic! We were just talking about him!

HawkbitAlpha: JCM, I think that's coincidence.

JCM: Who cares? Irony and coincidence are basically the same thing anyway!

HawkbitAlpha: They really aren't.

Person: What the fuck is this conversation? (points to OWM) You need to stop going into open windows this instant!

OWM: If you don't want me to go into your building's open windows anymore, you can pay me off like JCM and dozens of others before him did.

Person: Never!

(Person runs towards OWM, and OWM shoots him in the chest twice.)

JCM: No!

(JCM grabs Person before he hits the ground. Person coughs up blood.)

JCM: I tried to save you! I tried!

Person: Well...you failed.

(Person dies in JCM's arms.)

OWM: You...both saw him try to assault me, right?

JCM: I also saw you commit several acts of trespassing.

OWM: Touché.

(OWM gets into his car and drives off.)

HawkbitAlpha: I'll...leave you to this.

(HawkbitAlpha gets into his car and drives off. A few minutes later, jjs comes out of the school.)

jjs: JCM, dump that asshole's body in a river somewhere and come back! I don't pay you to loaf around!

JCM: Sorry, Mr. theprincipal!

(The End)

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JCM Kills a Bill

(Clappy walks into his history class with the anthopomorphic bill from Schoolhouse Rock.)

Clappy: Hey, everyone! Since we've been talking about US politics, I brought in a special guest! Bill, introduce yourself.

Bill: (singing) I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill, and I was languishing on Capitol Hill...

(Clappy is nodding and snapping his fingers.)

Bill: (singing) When a bunch of fucking assholes came to burn the place down. I was barely able to escape from all of those clowns. And that's how I ended up in here!

(imrustyokay raises his hand.)

Bill: Am I supposed to...call on him?

Clappy: Yeah, that's generally what we do.

imrustyokay: What exactly do you do, bill?

Bill: I make healthcare free for all Americans.

imrustyokay: So you have no chance of ever becoming a law?

Bill: Pretty much. 

(JCM runs into the classroom.)

Clappy: JCM, what are you doing here?

JCM: I was sent by Mitch McConnell! He told me that a socialist bill escaped the Capitol, and I needed to bring it back so it could be put out of its misery!

(The bill grabs imrustyokay and puts a knife to his throat.)

Bill: Don't come any closer! I refuse to meet my demise to the Grim Reaper!

(The Grim Reaper strolls into the classroom.)

Grim Reaper: Did somebody say my name?

Bill: I wasn't talking about you! Get the fuck out! Nobody likes you!

(The Grim Reaper leaves the room sadly.)

Clappy: Come on, bill. You're a talking piece of paper. You know nobody can take what you're doing seriously.

Bill: You're one to talk, you Hamburger Helper-looking motherfucker!

Clappy: The fuck did you just call me?

(Clappy takes out a lighter.)

Bill: Put that thing anywhere near me and the kid dies!

imrustyokay: (crying) Please do what the bill wants!

Clappy: (puts lighter away) Okay, what do you want?

Bill: I want a ticket to Canada! They fuck with socialized healthcare up there!

(Clappy nods to JCM, and JCM hurries out of the room.)

Clappy: That it?

Bill: Yeah, that should do.

(JCM returns minutes later.)

JCM: One free ticket to Canada!

(The bill snatches the ticket out of JCM's hands while still holding imrustyokay.)

Bill: Hmm...seems legit.

(The bill drops a terrified imrustyokay and leaves the classroom.)

imrustyokay: You...you're just going to let that monster walk free?

JCM: Of course not! That ticket to "Canada" is actually going straight to Washington, D.C.!

(Hours later, the bill walks into the Washington Dulles International Airport.)

Bill: Wait a minute...I know this place!

(A turtle approaches the bill, licking its lips.)

Bill: Mitch! Please! Don't!

Turtle: Don't worry, bill. You won't feel a thing.

Bill: You're lying!

Turtle: Okay...you'll feel it a bit...but I don't give a fuck.

(The bill tries to run away, but the turtle extends its tongue like a frog's and wraps it around the bill. The turtle then pulls its tongue back into its mouth and swallows the bill.)

Turtle: (burps) The deed is done.

(The turtle looks around at the people staring at him in the airport.)

Turtle: The fuck are y'all looking at?

(The End)

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JCM Begins a New Legacy

(JCM walks into jjs' office covered in bruises.)

jjs: The fuck happened to you?

JCM: We started dodgeball in PE today. It didn't go well for me.

jjs: Shit, I'm sorry. You want something to do that's less likely to end with you getting pummeled?

JCM: Sure!

jjs: I'm supposed to meet with the people at Paramount about doing an official collaboration with SpongeBob, but I don't want to, so as long as you promise not to fuck it up, I'll send you there in my place.

JCM: Oh, my gosh! We'll have SpongeBob SquarePants in the flesh at this school?

jjs: Only if the meeting goes well, so I want you to promise me you won't ruin it.

JCM: I promise!

jjs: Alright, the plane will be outside. If you don't get a deal with Paramount, don't bother coming back.

JCM: What do I do if they ask about you?

jjs: Tell them I couldn't make it due to irritable bowel syndrome. Now, scram.

(JCM leaves the school to find a plane already waiting for him. He goes into the plane, and it flies him to the Paramount Pictures studio in Hollywood, where he meets a guide. After taking him on a tour through the studio, the guide leads JCM into a boardroom filled with Paramount executives.)

JCM: Hi, soulless corporate penny pinchers! I'm JCM, and I hail from the SpongeBob Community School in Circuit City!

Executive: One: fuck you. And two: the meeting's about to start, so find a seat.

(JCM sits down, and a few seconds later, a hologram of Aquatic Nuggets appears on a stage in the back of the boardroom.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh! You're Aquatic Nuggets!

(JCM jumps and waves his hands.)

JCM: Hey, Nuggets! It's me, JCM!

Nuggets: Jesus Christ. Where the fuck is jjs?

JCM: He couldn't make it due to...uh...irregular bowling syndrome?

Nuggets: Sure. Well, since I left SBC six years ago, I've done exactly what I wanted to do: I made a name for myself, worked my way to the top of one of the biggest studios in Hollywood, and now, I'm going to unveil one of the biggest innovations in the history of innovations: the Paramount ServerVerse!

(Nuggets turns on a screen that reveals the landscapes of several planets modeled after ViacomCBS properties, including SpongeBob, South Park, and Mission: Impossible.)

Nuggets: With the ServerVerse, we'll be able to generate new shows and movies, whether it's reboots or spin-offs of the stuff you already love, or "original" works simply tweaking the formulas of stuff we've already put out, without needing to hire actors, writers, or directors to help us produce the new content, saving us shit-tons of money in the long run. Make sure you get that down: "shit-tons of money".

(The executives in the room are furiously writing as JCM looks at the screen with a concerned face.)

JCM: W-wait a minute. If you no longer have to hire people to write or animate stuff for your new shows and movies, what will happen to SBC, considering we only exist to train future SpongeBob writers and cartoonists?

Nuggets: Well, I imagine you would have to shut it down, but you've had a hell of a run.

JCM: No! I don't accept that!

Nuggets: (sighs) I wish jjs were here. He would understand. Plus, I'll be hiring him for a position with us, anyway.

JCM: What about me?

Nuggets: What about you?

(JCM jumps out of his seat in rage, and he punches the hologram several times.)

Nuggets: You do realize I'm not actually here, right?

(JCM keeps punching the Nuggets hologram until he's forced to stop out of exhaustion.)

JCM: (gasps) Did you feel that?

Nuggets: No.

JCM: Oh, well! I'm off to destroy the ServerVerse now!

(JCM runs downstairs to find two large guards blocking the entrance to Paramount's server room.)

JCM: Hey, guys! Think you can step out of the way for a second?

Guard 1: No.

Guard 2: Suck my dick.

JCM: Okay, I may be tired, but I'll always fight for SBC!

(JCM raises his fists, and both guards immediately die of heart attacks.)

JCM: Wow! That worked better than I thought!

(Suddenly, Aya appears.)

JCM: W-where did you come from?

Aya: I came from the Underworld. I just wanted you to know that the devil is on your side. I also killed those guards to make it easier for you to destroy that shitty propaganda for a streaming service nobody is going to care about five years from now.

JCM: Thanks?

Aya: No problem. Now, go in there and save SBC!

(JCM nods then runs into the server room and presses the first button he sees.)

JCM: I think that's the button to shut it down.

(Suddenly, JCM disappears then re-appears on the virtual planet of Highlandia.)

JCM: Where am I?

(Beavis and Butt-Head approach JCM.)

Beavis: Hey, old man. Get the fuck away from here. You're cramping our style.

JCM: Old man? I'll have you know I've only been a member of AARP for 70 years!

Butt-Head: He said "member".

(Beavis and Butt-Head chortle for the next five minutes.)

JCM: You done?

Beavis: You're like a fucking skeleton. I bet you remember when MTV only played music videos.

JCM: (sighs) Is there some way out of here?

Butt-Head: We built a spaceship for our science project you can use. Anything to get your wrinkly ass away from us.

(Beavis and Butt-Head show JCM to their spaceship, and he uses it to fly off the planet. As he passes the other planets, he realizes where he is.)

JCM: I'm in the ServerVerse!

(JCM lands the spaceship on a planet themed on The Godfather. He finds Vito Corleone's office and waits until he's allowed to go in. Once he does, the elder Corleone smokes from a cigar and motions for JCM to start.)

JCM: (clears throat) Don Corleone, I am lost. Somebody I used to respect has betrayed me, and now I must find some way to protect everything I hold dear to me.

(Vito Corleone mumbles incoherently.)

JCM: W-what?

(Vito sighs before taking cotton out of his mouth.)

Vito: Make him an offer he can't refuse.

JCM: (thinking) Of course! Also, lay off on the smoking. I'm sure the last thing you want to do is drop dead while you're in the middle of playing with your grandkids.

Vito: That's...oddly specific.

JCM: (laughs) Yeah, I know how everyone here dies! I think your family's cursed or something. Anyway, catch you later!

(JCM leaves a confused Vito alone in his office. He gets back into his spaceship and continues flying until he notices a planet made of water with a familiar-looking island on top of it.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh!

(JCM flies into the planet and lands in front of the Krusty Krab. As JCM leaves the spaceship, Aquatic Nuggets leaves the Krusty Krab and immediately sees him.)

Nuggets: JCM! How's it going?

(JCM runs to Nuggets and pushes him to the ground.)

Nuggets: The fuck?

JCM: Looks like you aren't a hologram now!

Nuggets: No, but I'm also not the real Nuggets. I'm a virtual clone. There are hundreds of me in the ServerVerse.

JCM: Well, can you tell me how to get out of the ServerVerse?

Nuggets: Sure! All you have to do is talk to D.


Nuggets: Deez nuts!

Sandy: (offscreen) Did somebody say nuts?

Nuggets: Fuck off, Sandy! (to JCM) No, I'm not going to tell you how to escape the ServerVerse. You're staying right here so you aren't able to mess my plans for the ServerVerse up.

JCM: What if if make you an offer you can't refuse?

Nuggets: I'm listening.

JCM: One game of dodgeball. You can choose whoever you want from the ServerVerse to play with you, while I get to play with the main cast of SpongeBob SquarePants. If you win, you get to shut down SBC and do whatever you want with the ServerVerse, but if I win, you shut the ServerVerse down forever.

Nuggets: And why would I agree to that?

JCM: Because I've got the Underlord on my side!

(In the real world, a giant, Satanic creature appears in Nuggets' office at the studio.)

Nuggets: What the fuck?

Creature: You will play that game of dodgeball, or you will die!

Nuggets: Fucking deus ex machina motherfucker! Fine! I'll play that stupid game of dodgeball!

(The next day, Nuggets enters a dodgeball arena with Optimus Prime, Kung Fu Panda, Sonic the Hedgehog, Reptar, Michelangelo, Spock, and Æon Flux. JCM enters with SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Plankton, Gary, Sandy, and Mr. Krabs.)

Squidward: Is it too late to turn back?

Gary: Meow.

(Squidward and Gary immediately get pelted by dodgeballs, eliminating both of them.)

JCM: Well, that's not ideal.

(Sonic throws a dodgeball at SpongeBob so fast that it goes through his body, leaving a dodgeball-shaped hole.)

SpongeBob: Fuck me.

(SpongeBob passes out.)

JCM: You monster!

(JCM throws a dodgeball at Sonic, but he easily dodges it. JCM runs out of the arena then returns with 100 dodgeballs seconds later.)

JCM: Eat rubber!

(JCM throws dodgeballs at Sonic at a rapid pace, but Sonic avoids every single one. He then throws a dodgeball at JCM, and JCM manages to catch it.)

Sonic: Fuck!

(Sandy hits Reptar with a dodgeball.)

Sandy: Get the fuck outta here, you jurassic bore!

(Reptar leaves sadly. Patrick then hits Kung Fu Panda with a dodgeball.)

Patrick: I did something!

(Michelangelo then hits Patrick with a dodgeball.)

Patrick: I lose!

(Spock reads Plankton's mind as Plankton raises a dodgeball, and after he throws it, Spock easily catches the ball.)

Sandy: Cheating asshole!

(JCM then hits Spock with a dodgeball.)

Nuggets: What the fuck?

Spock: I couldn't read his mind. There was nothing there.

Nuggets: Makes sense.

(Spock does the Vulcan salute.)

Nuggets: Uh...may the force be with you?

(Spock shakes his head and leaves. Sandy then throws a dodgeball that bounces off of Michelangelo and hits Optimus Prime, eliminating them both.)

JCM: Alright! We have the advantage now!

(Æon Flux hits Mr. Krabs with a dodgeball.)

JCM: Shoot! Alright, it's just me, Nuggets, and our token women now.

Sandy: The fuck did you just call me?

JCM: I...have many female friends.

(Sandy punches JCM in the face before getting hit with a dodgeball by Nuggets.)

Sandy: Worth it.

(Æon Flux throws a dodgeball at JCM, but he catches it.)

JCM: Just me and you now, Nuggets.

Nuggets: I'm not letting you destroy everything I've worked for.

JCM: I'm not letting you kill SBC.

(Nuggets throws a dodgeball at JCM, and JCM spins around it before throwing a ball at Nuggets, which Nuggets manages to avoid at the last second. JCM then throws another dodgeball at Nuggets, and this one hits him square in the back.)

Nuggets: No! I...lost.

JCM: And I redeemed myself!

(JCM gets pelted with a dodgeball by Sandy.)

Sandy: You still fucking suck, by the way.

Nuggets: Ha!

(Sandy hits Nuggets with a dodgeball, too.)

Sandy: You don't think I forgot "fuck off, Sandy"? You two deserve one another!

Nuggets: Well...a deal's a deal. Goodbye, JCM.

(JCM disintegrates, and just a moment later, he's back in the server room, where two more guards are waiting to escort him out.)

JCM: I assume I won't get the goody bag they give to all of the other visitors?

(The guards throw JCM out of the studio.)

JCM: Can I at least get a flight home?

(JCM sighs before walking off. A week later, he's back in jjs' office.)

jjs: So...no deal?

JCM: No deal.

jjs: You do know this means I have to fire you again, right?

JCM: But...I saved SBC! I won the most high-stakes dodgeball game ever!

jjs: You also lost me millions of potential dollars as a ViacomCBS executive. Not everything is about SBC or your bullshit attempts to be the star of a campy sports movie.

JCM: I'm blacklisted from Hollywood, so that can't happen anyway.

jjs: It's time for you to move on, JCM. It's been ten years, and everybody's changed except you.

JCM: But...this was supposed to be my legacy.

jjs: Find a new legacy.

(JCM leaves the school. He notices the charred trunk of a nearby tree his scooter exploded into several years before, and he continues walking.)

JCM: Goodbye, SBC.

(The End)

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JCM Cooks Up a Christmas Special

(JCM is washing the dishes in the kitchen of Shinya's Korean restaurant. Shinya walks in just as he finishes drying the last plate.)

Shinya: Great work today, JCM.

JCM: (sighs) Thanks.

Shinya: What's wrong?

(JCM shrugs.)

Shinya: You can't still be thinking about SBC, are you? It's been almost a year and a half since you were fired...again.

JCM: I can't help it! I've wanted to be a teacher for SBC since I was a kid!

Shinya: SBC is only 13 years old.

JCM: And?

Shinya: You're 127.

JCM: And?

Shinya: Listen, our dishes have never been more spotless than they were before I hired you. Our floors have never been cleaner. In my restaurant, you have a place where you can fit in and be with friends. What more do you want?

JCM: I want to cook! Can't you let me back on the grill?

Shinya: Last time I let you cook, you gave all of our customers food poisoning.

JCM: Is it my fault the people who eat here have weak stomachs? I cook the way my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great...


JCM: ...great-great grandmother taught me to!

Shinya: What the fuck? Why don't you try cooking methods that have been developed over the last millennium?

JCM: And spit in the face of tradition? What kind of a person do you think I am?

Shinya: You can't cook for us. But what you can do is get home before it gets even colder. It's the holidays. Try to enjoy them.

(JCM walks home, shivering as the cold air blows into his face. Instead of taking the usual way home, he takes a longer way, a way that will take him past the SpongeBob Community School. Inside the school, sbl is doing rehearsals with his drama class for a Christmas play that will be staged the following night.)

sbl: From the top: A-one-and-a-two-and-a-three.

(sbl points to two students dressed as SpongeBob and Patrick.)

Students: (singing) IT'S SHAPING

(sbl throws the script he's holding to the ground, startling the costumed students.)

sbl: No, no, no! Wrong, wrong, wrong! If you fuck this up again, I swear to God, I'll kill every single one of you!

(JCM walks into the class.)

JCM: Am I interrupting something?

sbl: JCM? What the fuck are you doing here? Jjs told us to call the police on you for trespassing if any of us see you here again!

JCM: Come on, sbl! Where's your Christmas spirit?

sbl: Get out! This is a closed rehearsal! And you're fucking banned from the premises!

(JCM walks out sadly as sbl picks up his script and brushes it off.)

sbl: Where were we?

(The next morning, sbl walks into jjstheprincipal's office.)

jjstheprincipal: sbl, what is this I hear about you threatening to murder your students?

sbl: Who told you that? Was it that motherfucker JCM?

jjstheprincipal: JCM was here? Why didn't you text me like I told you to do if that happens?

sbl: I don't give a shit about the unresolved romantic tension you two have!

jjstheprincipal: The what?

sbl: My job is to make sure tonight's Christmas play doesn't suck, and I've been doing that. What have you been doing, Mr. The Principal?

jjstheprincipal: Watch your fucking tongue or you'll be back to making all your money from Twitch streams!

sbl: And OnlyFans.

jjstheprincipal: You better have taken that fucking thing down so none of your students find out about it!

sbl: I...have?

jjstheprincipal: Whatever. Just don't threaten your students' lives anymore, okay? We've been under a microscope since Wumbo got deported back to Canada for his human experiments. The last thing I would want is for the same to happen to you.

sbl: No, jjs! I owe a lot of people in Canada a lot of money. If I go back there, I'm a dead man!

jjstheprincipal: Then do what I tell you.

sbl: (sighs) Fine. But if the play is shit, I'm blaming you.

jjstheprincipal: I can live with that on my conscience.

(That night, sbl is on the stage of the school's auditorium with his drama class, hidden behind a curtain.)

sbl: Okay, the play starts in ten minutes. Make sure you have all of the lines memorized, because you won't be getting any do-overs this time.

(sbl notices something strange about one of the "students" dressed as a fish, and his eyes widen once he realizes who it is.)

sbl: JCM?

(JCM takes the fish head off his costume.)

JCM: Aww. You caught me.

sbl: You need to get out of here, now! jjs will be in the front row, and if he sees you, we're all fucked!

JCM: But I have a plan to get in everybody's good graces again! The food they've prepared out there is none other than my own Christmas special! I was going to reveal that not only is it me in this costume but that I'm the cook of the delicious food everybody's eating, and they'll have to love me again!

sbl: That plan is stupid. But what else can I expect from you? Get out! Now!

JCM: Please, sbl. This is all I have. SBC is all I have. I promise I won't get you in trouble.

sbl: (rolls eyes) Fine. But stay out of sight! You're an extra, so act like one!

(The play begins, and after the students act out the first few scenes of Christmas Who?, they get to the Very First Christmas number. Sbl starts to sweat as the students dressed as SpongeBob and Patrick pretend to chop down a fake coral tree.)

Students: (singing) It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday! Not your normal, average every day!

(A student dressed as Squidward runs onto the stage as the fake tree falls down.)

Student: Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree! SpongeBob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me?

(Sbl begins to relax as the students continue to perform the play exactly as they rehearsed. Suddenly, he hears gagging in the crowd, and within seconds, everyone in the audience is vomiting. Sbl pulls JCM, who's dressed like a fish in the current scene, behind the curtain.)

JCM: What are you doing?

Sbl: Jesus Christ, JCM! Don't you see everyone in the crowd throwing up?

JCM: Of course not! I was in my zone! Method acting! You're the drama teacher, you should know all that!

Sbl: Leave! Now!

(jjstheprincipal stumbles backstage with his shirt covered in vomit.)

jjstheprincipal: What the fuck did you put in those chicken sticks?

JCM: That wasn't chicken! It was dodo! Stored in the family chamber for thousands of years! It might be a little bad now, though.

jjstheprincipal: JCM?

(Sbl puts his head in his hands.)

jjstheprincipal: You...you...

(jjstheprincipal faints.)

JCM: I guess my cooking really knocked them out! Ha ha!

(sbl glares at JCM.)

JCM: I'll go now.

(The End)

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JCM Joins a Protest

(JCM and his dad are watching Tucker Tuckerson Tonight on Faux News.)

Tucker: …and that’s why skinny jeans are destroying America. Speaking of things that are destroying America, I have troubling news out of Circuit City, where Clapmaster, social studies teacher at the SpongeBob Community School, has been teaching his students something awful. According to my sources, he’s been telling kids that the patriots who built this great country owned black people as slaves!

JCM: (gasps) He would never!

Tucker: I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard it, too. Slavery? What is this, ancient Egypt? We cannot let him continue to spread these vicious lies, which is why I’ll be sponsoring a protest at that school tomorrow. And speaking of sponsors, it’s time for us to pay our bills.


JCM: Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Dad, can you drive me to the protest at SBC tomorrow?

JCM’s dad: What happened to your scooter?

JCM: I wrecked it again. Trees keep popping up out of nowhere!

JCM’s dad: The next scooter is coming out of your allowance!

(The next day, JCM is dropped off at the SpongeBob Community School, which has thousands of protestors in front of it, most of them old, white, and male.)

Protestors: Fire Clappy! Fire Clappy!

(Jjs and Clappy walk out of the school with annoyed expressions.)

Jjs: What will it take to get rid of you all?

Protestors: Fire Clappy!

JCM: Yeah! What they said!

Jjs: JCM? Are you responsible for this?

JCM: No, the great Tucker Tuckerson is!

Jjs: The Faux News host? Figured he would have better things to do than to send these idiots after us.

Protestors: Boo!

JCM: We’re not idiots! We have legible aggreances!

Jjs: I taught you English for five years, JCM. You can do better than that.

JCM: We’re here because instead of teaching history, Clappy has been teaching his students fibs!

Jjs: Clappy, is this true?

Clappy: Of course it isn’t! What “fibs” have I been teaching?

JCM: According to Tucker, you’ve been telling kids that white people in this country owned black people as…sorry. I’m trying to keep it together.

(One of the protesters give a sobbing JCM a tissue which he then blows his nose into.)

JCM: As slaves!

Clappy: And? I’ve been telling my kids that because that’s what actually happened.

Protestors: Boo!

(Suddenly, a limo appears behind the protestors, and Tucker Tuckerson walks out of it. The protestors’ boos turn into cheers.)

Tucker: Please, please. I don’t deserve all of this attention, but it’s certainly appreciated, and it couldn’t hurt to give me some more.

Clappy: Call off the dogs, Tucker.

Tucker: Or what?

Clappy: Or I’ll tell everyone who you really are.

(Tucker starts to look around nervously.)

Tucker: What…what are you talking about?

Clappy: Jjs, do you have some Molotov cocktails on you?

Jjs: Of course!

(Jjs takes a Molotov cocktail out of each pocket.)

Jjs: Never leave home without them.

Protestor 1: What are you doing?

Clappy: Think fast!

(Clappy takes the Molotov cocktails from Jjs and throws them at Tucker, forcing him to freeze them with his ice powers.)

Tucker: Shit.

(The protesters gasp as Tucker transforms into Elsa.)

JCM: Elsa? Why would you pretend to be a Faux News host all this time?

Elsa: (shrugs) I was bored.

Protestor 1: We’ve been taking orders from a woman this whole time?

Protestor 2: That’s bullshit!

(The protestors leave in disgust. JCM runs to Elsa sobbing again.)

JCM: Was it all a lie? Was everything you told your loyal Faux News viewers this entire time a lie?

Elsa: Well, not everything. I did actually think Vaporeon was the hottest Pokémon, but since I’m being honest now, I’m feeling Gardevoir a little more these days.

Clappy: …fuck this. I’m out.

(Clappy goes back into the school, and jjs follows him.)

Elsa: Now that I’m thinking about Gardevoir again, I’m going home to do…stuff.

(Elsa disappears in a burst of ice.)

JCM: (looks around) Can somebody call me an Uber?

(The End)

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JCM Quells Another Teacher's Union 

(Jjs walks into Superintendent Tvguy’s office. Tvguy is now wearing a bald cap, glasses and a fake goatee.) 

Tvguy: Jjs-sie, we need to cook…up a scheme to stop this teachers’ strike! 

Jjs: Uh… 

(Tvguy takes off the bald cap and glasses.) 

Tvguy: It’s me, tvguy! Remember when I impersonated iconic television characters? Just trying to lighten the mood with everything that’s going on. 

Jjs: Right. Anyway, I offered the teachers our terms, and they were so pissed off that they refuse to negotiate with me again. 

Tvguy: Who leads the union now? 

Jjs: Clappy. 

(Tvguy dials Clappy’s number on his cell phone.) 

Clappy: (on the phone) Hello? 

Tvguy: How’s it going, Claps? 

Clappy: I hope you’re calling me to make a real offer. 

Tvguy: You have your offer. A 1% raise for all teachers. 

Clappy: We’re asking for 20% and extra benefits! And we aren’t going to work again until we get it! 

(Tvguy puts his bald cap and glasses back on then takes a deep breath.) 

Tvguy: First, take a big step back... and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of Narcos-sian bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but SBC, Claps, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! 

Clappy: Are you finished? 

Tvguy: Yeah. 

Clappy: Good. I’m not talking to you, anymore, either, so if you want the strike to end, you’ll have to send somebody new. 

(Clappy hangs up.) 

Tvguy: (sighs) How many teachers can we hire on short notice? 

Jjs: In March? About zero. 

Tvguy: Damn it! I’m left no choice, then. I have to call JCM. 

Jjs: JCM? Why? 

Tvguy: The last time the teachers went on strike, he managed to fix it. I don’t know why, but he’s a good luck charm. 

Jjs: Tvguy, I was your vice principal then, and I remember the strike ending despite his stupidity, not because of it! 

Tvguy: Maybe this bald cap squeezing my head in combination with the copious amount of drugs I’ve done is affecting my decision making, but I’m still bringing JCM in. 

Jjs: If you do that, superintendent, you’ll have to fire me. 

Tvguy: Okay. 

(Tvguy starts dialing JCM’s number on his cell phone.) 

Jjs: Wait! I was just kidding! Fuck! 

JCM: (on the phone) Hello? 

Tvguy: Hey, JCM, It’s me, tvguy. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? 

JCM: (laughs) Yeah, it has! So, what are you calling about? 

Tvguy: The teachers at SBC are striking again, and I need you to get them to stop. 

JCM: What’s in it for me? 

Tvguy: I’ll make you a teacher again. 

Jjs: No! No! Don’t! 

JCM: You’ve got a deal! 

Tvguy: Great! The union office is right across the street from the Taco Bell near the school. You remember where that is? 

JCM: Of course! My stomach is still irreparably harmed from the number of times I’ve had lunch there! 

Tvguy: (chuckles) Mine, too, JCM. Mine, too. Once you’re at the union office, just tell Clappy you’re there to negotiate on behalf of the school, and he’ll set everything up from there. 

JCM: Will do! 

Tvguy: And make sure to get the best deal you can for us! Teachers may be quitting and demanding raises everywhere, but other schools don’t have a weapon like you to use against them. 

JCM: Oh, tvguy, I’m blushing. Nobody’s called me a weapon before. 

Jjs: (rolls eyes) Get a room! 

Tvguy: We’re both counting on you, JCM. Now, get it done! 

(An hour later, JCM walks into tvguy’s office.) 

Tvguy: You got the deal done? 

JCM: Yep! Here are the papers! 

(JCM gives tvguy a thick manilla envelope.) 

Tvguy: I knew we could count on you! 

Jjs: What exactly were the terms you agreed to? 

JCM: They didn’t make it easy, but I managed to talk them down from a 20% raise to a 30% one. 

(Tvguy drops the envelope, and jjs starts laughing hysterically.) 

Tvguy: JCM…you do realize that 30% is more than 20%, right? 

JCM: No! (pauses) No? 

Tvguy: (sighs) Well, that’s what I get for expecting lightning to strike twice. 

Jjs: Can we fire JCM again? Pretty please? 

Tvguy: Sorry, I’m a man of my word. JCM is officially your problem again. 

JCM: Yay! 

Jjs: (sighs) I knew I should have become a plumber. I’d be scooping up a lot less shit than I am right now. 

Tvguy: Speaking of shit, who wants Taco Bell and all the negative repercussions of Taco Bell on me? 

JCM: I do! 

Jjs: If you’re paying, I guess I’ll have some, too. 

(Tvguy, jjs, and JCM start to walk out of the office.) 

Tvguy: You knew I was just kidding about it being on me, right? 

Jjs: Goddamn it! 

(The End) 

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JCM Hunts for Lost Media 

(JCM walks into the principal’s office, where jjs and OWM are waiting for him.) 

JCM: The Open Window Maniac? Why are you here? 

OWM: I’m the vice principal now. 

JCM: Man, things have gotten weird since I left. 

Jjs: Correction: since you were fired. 

JCM: Some antics. 

OWM: You mean semantics? 

JCM: Isn’t that what I just said? 

Jjs: Moving on, the reason I’ve called you here is because I need you and OWM to go on a top-secret mission. 

JCM: Wow, you trust me enough to let me go on a top-secret mission? 

Jjs: No. That’s why I’m sending OWM with you. And her. 

(JCM notices SG coming into the office behind him.) 

Jjs: Meet our new science teacher! 

JCM: SG? I didn’t know you liked science. 

SG: My name is literally short for “Science Girl”. 

JCM: Really? I thought it was short for “sour grapes”! 

SG: (rolls eyes) Why do we have to bring this dumbass with us? 

Jjs: Because if he’s out there with you two, it means he doesn’t have to be here with me. 

JCM: So, what’s the mission? 

Jjs: For years, there have been rumors about the unaired pilot episode of Drake & Josh, the one that had a different actor for the dad. Apparently, it wasn’t just the dad who ended up getting played by someone else. Drake’s sister Megan wasn’t played by Miranda Cosgrove in that pilot but instead by the up-and-coming actress…Selena Gomez. 

JCM: (gasps) Who’s Selena Gomez? 

OWM: You know, the star of Wizards of Waverly Place, the most followed woman on Insta, basically the queen of Gen Z? 

JCM: Doesn’t ring a bell. 

Jjs: All you need to know is that if this pilot episode is ever found, it will be the biggest discovery in the history of lost media, bigger than Crybaby Lane, bigger than Clock Man, bigger than all of them! And selling it will more than make up for what we lost giving all of the teachers raises. 

(SG opens a map of the city onto Jjs’s desk.) 

OWM: They still make physical maps? 

SG: I’ve been interested in seeing this episode for a while, and by reaching out to people on the show’s staff, some online sleuths managed to figure out that the episode was recorded on a VHS tape that was then hidden in the mountains that surround Circuit City. 

(SG points to the mountains on the map.) 

SG: Hundreds of lost media enthusiasts are already in those mountains seeking the fame and fortune that comes with finding a tape like this, but using science… 

JCM: Ooh, science! 

SG:I’ve been able to triangulate this tape’s exact location. 

(SG pulls out her phone and opens a map app on it.) 

OWM: Now that’s a map! 

SG: Based real time data, we can determine that the tape is right… 

(A marker appears on a small section of the map on SG’s phone.) 

SG: There! 

Jjs: Great! Now get over there and find that tape before anybody else does! 

(OWM, JCM, and SG get into OWM’s car, and he drives them to the mountains, which already has hundreds of cars in front of it.) 

OWM: This is gonna be a clusterfuck. 

(OWM, JCM, and SG spend hours climbing one of the mountains until they stop at a cave.) 

SG: (looks at phone) This is it. These are the coordinates. 

(SG turns on the flashlight of her phone before entering the cave with JCM and OWM.) 

SG: It should be around here somewhere… 

OWM: I see it! 

(OWM pulls a VHS tape out of a crack in the wall.) 

JCM: I’m surprised none of those other lost media guys followed us! 

Voice: Well, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re very wrong. 

(OWM, JCM, and SG turn around to find a bearded man in a fedora pointing a gun at them.) 

OWM: Mr. Enter? 

Mr. Enter: I may not be as popular as I once was, but I still have eyes and ears at your school, and once I make a video about finding this tape, I’ll be more popular than ever! 

OWM: Please, Enter. This tape isn’t worth killing us over. 

Mr. Enter: You don’t know how hard it is. Ever since I released my Turning Red review last year, everybody thinks I’m a joke! 

OWM: That’s not fair. Almost everybody thought you were a joke already before that review!

Mr. Enter: (growls) Now you’re really gonna die for that! 

(JCM is blinded by a flash, and he hears gunshots echo through the cave. He turns to OWM, terrified, but once his eyesight recovers, he realizes that OWM is completely fine. He turns to Mr. Enter just as he stumbles to the ground with holes in his chest, and then he turns to SG, who is pointing a smoking gun at Mr. Enter’s body.) 

JCM: SG…you have a gun? 

SG: I’m from Texas! Of course I have a gun! 

(SG then points the gun at OWM.) 

OWM: The fuck? 

SG: I have a confession to make: my name isn’t actually short for Science Girl. 

JCM: I knew it! 

SG: It’s short for…Selena Gomez. 

OWM: (eyes widen) That’s impossible! You look nothing like Selena Gomez! 

(SG pulls off a blonde wig, revealing black hair underneath it.) 

OWM: Oh, I see it now! 

SG: Figured if Hannah Montana could get away with it, I could, too. 

JCM: Wait…Hannah Montana is wearing a wig? 

SG: I’m done with this discussion. Just know that the reason I was replaced for the role of Megan was because I did poorly with test audiences. I did eventually improve enough to be Disney’s first choice for Alex Russo, but still: This tape getting out would be bad for my image, and I didn’t get 400 million Instagram followers by doing things that were bad for my image. Hopefully, two missing teachers, a missing vice principal, and a missing YouTube vlogger will be enough to discourage anybody else from poking his nose where it doesn't belong!

(SG pulls the trigger of her gun, but it does nothing.) 

SG: The hell? I reloaded this right before I got here!

 Voice: You forgot to set it to W...

(Wumbology jumps out of a helicopter in front of the mountain.)

Wumbology: ...for Wumbo!

SG: How did you find us?

Wumbology: Science! That's how!

JCM: Hooray for science!

(Wumbology approaches SG in the cave.)

Wumbology: Science is also how I jammed your gun! I was expecting to have to use the technology against Mr. Enter, but as long as I get what I'm here for, I don't care.

(Wumbology goes to OWM and snatches the tape from him.)

Wumbology: With this, I'll be un-deported in no time! Bye, nerds!

(Wumbology jumps back into his helicopter and flies off.)

OWM: So...who is Hannah Montana under the wig?

SG: You didn't hear it from me, but Miley Cyrus.

OWM: The Wrecking Ball singer? No fucking way!

(The End)

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JCM Gets Attacked by Bullies

(JCM and Trophy are walking out of the teachers lounge and drinking coffee.)

JCM: You know, I used to be the PE teacher!

Trophy: Easiest gig ever, right? What do you do now?

JCM: I’m…not sure.

(Suddenly, three teenage boys with leather jackets and slicked-back hair walk up to JCM and Trophy.)

Boy 1: Ey! Gimme yer cawwfee!

Trophy: Mine?

Boy 2: Both of youse!

JCM: We’re teachers! You can’t tell us what to do!

(The second boy kicks JCM in the shin, causing him to fall to the ground and spill his coffee.)

Trophy: Don’t need to tell me twice.

(Trophy gives the first boy his coffee, and after a sip, he spits it onto JCM’s face.) 

Boy 1: This tastes like shit!

Trophy: What did you expect it to taste like? It’s coffee.

Boy 1: Better than this! I dunno why you grownups drink this!

(The boy gives Trophy the coffee back before going into the cafeteria with his two friends.)

Trophy: Are you alright, JCM?

JCM: Aside from the fact that I can’t walk or move my face anymore, sure!

Trophy: Great! Because class is about to start, so I’m off to the gym!

(Trophy starts walking away.)

JCM: Wait! I was being fictitious! Face-e-shush? Oh, forget it!

(The third teenage boy approaches a student in the cafeteria.)

Boy 3: Gimme yer lunch money…or you’ll get a pounding!

Student: (sweating) Okay! Do you have Venmo?

Boy 3: Huh?

Student: Cashapp?

Boy 3: (annoyed) Are you just makin’ up words?

Student: Most of us don’t pay for our lunch in cash. We do it on one of those apps I just mentioned.

Boy 3: Fuck kind of bougie-ass school is this? You better have cash on you tomorrow or you’re gettin’ a pounding!

(The student nods and runs off. Later that day, Jjs is in his office with Seb, the guidance counselor.)

Jjs: What am I supposed to do about these bullies tormenting everyone?

Seb: have you tried taking away their phones?

Jjs: That’s the thing! They aren’t cyber bullies! They’re IRL bullies!

Seb: irl bullies? i thought mark zuckerberg killed those off ten years ago by making bullying people online easier than ever before!

Jjs: (sighs) I did, too. I have no idea how to approach this.

Seb: what if we brought in somebody who has experience with irl bullying?

Jjs: You don’t mean…

Seb: do you have any better ideas?

(The next day, ExKizuna walks into jjs’s office.)

Jjs: I wish we were meeting under happier circumstances.

ExKizuna: It’s okay. I’m happy to make up for my ugly history at the school by using what I know to help you guys!

Jjs: Are you sure you’ll be able to get rid of them?

ExKizuna: Absolutely! And I’ll do it without throwing a single punch!

(Wintermelon is walking down the hallway when he sees the teenage boys approach him wielding hammers.)

Boy 1: Ey, boys! Youse ever crushed a winter melon before?

Wintermelon: I…I was just kidding about your jackets being lame! I swear!

Boy 2: Too late! It’s time for us to get a looks inside you!

(ExKizuna jumps in between the boys and Winter.)

ExKizuna: Put the hammers down.

Boy 3: Or what?

ExKizuna: Listen, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been in your shoes before. You think the world doesn’t care about you, doesn’t care about what you’re feeling, so you lash out, take your anger out on everything and everyone around you, but I promise you. There are people who care. There are people willing to listen. You just have to let your walls down and accept them in. Accept us in. Tell me what’s on your minds.

Boy 1: What’s on my mind…is that there’s a giant…fucking letter…trying to tell me what the fuck to do. Boys?

Boy 2: Yeah?

Boy 3: Yeah?

Boy 1: It’s hammer time!

ExKizuna: Oh come on! That reference is super dated!

(The boys start swinging their hammers at ExKizuna. Teachers and students come out of nearby rooms to watch the fight.)

ExKizuna: Well, I tried to resolve this peacefully.

(ExKizuna grabs the hammer the second boy swings at him and uses it to swing the second boy around before throwing him into the other two boys. The three boys then charge at him, and ExKizuna punches and kicks them while avoiding the punches thrown his way. After several minutes, the boys are laying on the ground bruised and defeated.)

Boy 1: Alright. You win. We’ll shove off. Unless there’s anyone here who wants us to stick around.

(The teachers and students watching them are silent.)

Boy 1: (sniffs) Fine! All we wanted to do was to shake things up! We neva meant nobody no harm!

Wintermelon: You were literally just about to murder me with hammers.


(The boys leave of the school, and the students and teachers cheer. Jjs then walks up to ExKizuna.)

Jjs: What happened to not throwing a single punch?

ExKizuna: I didn’t throw a single punch! I threw six…or seven.

(JCM peeks out of the teacher’s lounge.)

JCM: Is it safe?

ExKizuna: JCM!

(ExKizuna runs to JCM, and JCM instinctively flinches right before ExKizuna hugs him.)

JCM: Wow! I’m not in as much pain as I thought I would be! Still in pain, though.

ExKizuna: Sorry.

(ExKizuna lets go of JCM, and they walk outside the school with Jjs and Seb right behind them.)

Seb: things have really changed over the years, haven’t they?

Jjs: Some things have, but not all of them. You’re still the guidance counselor, after all.

Seb: oh, that reminds me. I quit.

ExKizuna, Jjs, and JCM: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

(The End)

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JCM Annoys Anonymous Alcohols (aka Alliteration is (Still) Awesome!)

(JCM walks into Fred’s English class.)

Fred: JCM, why the fuck aren’t you wearing green?

JCM: Was I supposed to?

Fred: Yes, you were supposed to! Look at everyone here! Where’s your holiday spirit?

JCM: Christmas was over two months ago, wasn’t it?

Fred: It’s better than Christmas! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, the only day we can drink all day and not be criticized for it!

(Fred drinks half a bottle of vodka before continuing his English lesson.)

Fred: Today we’re going to talk about the past parti…partiplical. Nah, fuck that. Class dismissed.

Students: Yay!

(All of the students immediately take bottles of liquor out of their backpacks and drink from them.)

JCM: Fred, aren’t you going to do something? All of those students are underaged!

Fred: (laughs) Didn’t you hear? Class is over! They aren’t my responsi-bluh-blility anymore!

(After school is over, JCM walks down the streets of Circuit City, where there are drunk people and wrecked cars everywhere.)

JCM: There must be somewhere I can go where everyone isn’t drinking themselves to death!

(JCM notices a sign pinned to a pole with the words “Want to Go Somewhere Where Everyone Isn’t Drinking Themselves to Death? Stop by Lucky’s on 8th Street!” JCM then goes to Lucky’s on 8th Street.)

JCM: Hello?

(JCM finds a leprechaun in the room with a group of older adults.)

Leprechaun: Hey there! I’m Lucky! What’s your name?


Group: Hi, JCM.

Lucky: So, how long have you had problems with alcohol?

JCM: My whole life! I’ve never understood why everyone around me drank so much, especially on St. Patrick’s Day!

Lucky: (chuckles) Yes, it is hard to resist the pressure to do what everyone else does.

JCM: Not for me! I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life!

(The people in the group mutter among themselves.)

Lucky: JCM, you do realize this is an AA meeting, right?

JCM: What’s AA?

Lucky: Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning it’s for recovering alcoholics, like me and everybody else here.

JCM: Can’t I stay here anyway?

Lucky: Not to be a gatekeeper, but you need to get the fuck out of here. You aren’t like us.

(The people in the group mutter in agreement.)

Lucky: You aren’t even wearing green. What kind of asshole doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day?

JCM: You…you’re the a-hole! You’re pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do!

Lucky: Until you know what it’s like…to have your wife hate you, have your children hate you, have your entire country hate you, you wouldn’t understand.

(Suddenly, everything is in black and white.)

JCM: What happened to the color?

(JCM is by himself now, and he notices a younger Lucky walking into a bar.)

Lucky: (voiceover) When I was a wee lad, I went to pubs all over the world spreading St. Patrick’s Day spirit.

JCM: Where’s that voice coming from? This is scary! I want to go back!

Lucky: (voiceover) Shut the fuck up. Anyway, Americans soon tired of my antics.

(The young Lucky gets thrown out of the bar and stumbles down the sidewalk, clearly drunk.)

Lucky: (voiceover) They locked me up…

(JCM is now in a 1930s prison cell with a young Lucky.)

Lucky: (voiceover) They discriminated against Irish people everywhere…

(JCM is in front of an old shop with a sign on the door saying “Irish Need Not Apply”.)

Lucky: (voiceover) And I became the most hated Irishman in the world because of it. Now, there are only disgusting caricatures of me…

(JCM is in a Lucky Charms commercial.)

Cartoon Lucky: Stay away from me Lucky Charms!

(Kids immediately beat the cartoon Lucky up and steal his pot of cereal.)

Lucky: (voice) And I’m banned from ever entering Ireland again. I’m even banned from Northern Ireland, which is some real bullshit.

(JCM is back in the AA meeting, and he looks around, still not certain that everything is real.)

Lucky: Do you understand now? Do you understand why I can’t let somebody who hasn’t had the sweet, sweet taste of alcohol completely fuck up their life be in here with us?

JCM: No.

Lucky: Fuck it. Sorry, guys. You all are on your own. I’ve been sober for 80 years, but starting now, I’m done. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and my green ass is getting plastered!

JCM: Is your…butt actually green?

(Lucky pats JCM on the shoulder.)

Lucky: I’ll let you think about that one.

(Lucky leaves the building named after him, and the people in the group look at each other with confusion.)

JCM: I may not be like you all, but I know what it’s like to let an addiction ruin your life.

(JCM thinks for a moment.)

JCM: His butt isn’t actually green! It’s a figure of speech!

(The people in the group look at each other with confusion again.)

JCM: Also, for so long, I was addicted to the thought of being a teacher at the SpongeBob Community School. For one moment, for one brief, beautiful moment, I had it, but then, I lost it…now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not what I want after all.

(The next morning, JCM walks into the principal’s office at the school, where Jjs is sitting at his desk in sunglasses.)

JCM: Jjs, I know what I want to teach now!

Jjs: Why the fuck are you being so loud? Take it down like 20, 30 decibels!

JCM: (whispering) Sorry. Anyway, I know what I want to teach: nothing!

Jjs: Huh?

JCM: I want to be the new guidance counselor. What I want to be…is somebody who helps other people know what they want to be.

Jjs: Okay.

JCM: Okay? So, you’ll let me do it?

Jjs: Sure, if it means you’ll leave me alone. In case you can’t tell, I’m a bit hungover.

(JCM sprints out of the principal’s office and dances down the hallway as the students and teachers around him groan and walk sluggishly. Fred shakes his head before going into his English class.)

Fred: Fucking show-off.

(The End)

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JCM Experiences the Stages of Grief

(JCM walks into Shinya's Korean restaurant.)

JCM: Take a look at SBC's new guidance counselor!

Sauce Mama: Oh my God, JCM, I'm so happy for you!

JCM: (eyes widen) Sauce? What are you doing here?

Sauce Mama: I'm the newest waitress! Shinya offered me job once I told him I was back in town!

(JCM starts babbling incoherently.)

Sauce Mama: Aww, JCM, are you still in love with me?

JCM: Where's Shinya?

Sauce Mama: In the kitchen. Why?

(JCM runs into the kitchen.)

Shinya: JCM? What are you doing back here?

JCM: Why did you replace me with my half-sister?

Shinya: Sauce has worked with my longer than you have! Why wouldn't I bring in somebody I knew could do the job?

JCM: It's just...I didn't expect you to move on so quickly.

Shinya: Don't tell me you want to come back already!

JCM: No! I...I'm doing great! I'm actually reading this book about being a good shrink that's over a thousand pages long! And right now, I'm learning about the stages of grief, but that...that doesn't mean I'm in denial!

Shinya: Really? Because it sounds like you're in denial.

(JCM walks out of the kitchen.)

JCM: Can I get a table, Sauce?

Sauce Mama: Sure! Anything for my bro!

(Sauce Mama leads JCM to a table, and he sits down at it.)

Sauce Mama: Can I give you anything to drink while you're waiting to order? It's on me!

JCM: I...I...crap! I'm sorry for the coarse language, Sauce, but I'm feeling really mad all of a sudden.

Sauce Mama: I've got just the thing for that: weed soda! It's legal here and it will mellow you right up!

(Sauce Mama goes into the kitchen, and Shinya comes out of it shortly after. JCM runs to Shinya.)

JCM: You've gotta give me my job back! I'll do anything!

Shinya: Sounds like you're at the bargaining stage.

JCM: How do you know about that?

Shinya: It's one of the most overused tropes in television, JCM! Get a grip on yourself!

JCM: (crying) I made a mistake! You told me I was making a mistake when I quit to become a teacher again, but I didn't listen! I'm sorry!

(Shinya grabs JCM's shoulders.)

Shinya: No. I'm the one who made the mistake. I was just used to you being around, but now that you've spent some time back at the school doing what you love, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you.

JCM: But...I don't love it! I thought I did, but I don't.

Shinya: That's the depression talking. I know you'll be a great guidance counselor, but you have to know it, too.

(Sauce Mama walks out of the kitchen with a large glass of weed soda.)

Sauce Mama: Am I...interrupting something?

JCM: (wipes away tears) No.

Sauce Mama: Great! Here's your federally controlled substance packaged in an unhealthy carbonated beverage!

(Sauce Mama gives JCM the glass, and he drinks all of it in less than a second.)

Sauce Mama: What the fuck? You weren't supposed to drink it all that fast!

(JCM starts laughing.)

JCM: I've done it! I've learned to accept that I'm not working here anymore! And I feel great!

Sauce Mama: You're probably going to be feeling something else soon.

JCM: What?

(Suddenly, everything becomes sepia-toned, and everybody inside the restaurant now has afros and 1970s-era clothing on.)

JCM: Uh-oh.

(CNF, CDCB, Cha, and a capybara run into the restaurant.)

CNF: There you are, JCM!

JCM: The first things I can think of that start with the letter C? I guess it's just one of those days.

Cha: We found a major clue in that mystery we've been investigating!

JCM: Mystery? What mystery?

CDCB: We don't have time for exposition! But that does remind me of a joke...

CNF and Cha: No!

CDCB: Never mind, then. Just know that we have to go now! It's urgent!

Capybara: Right! Rit's rurgent!

JCM: Sorry, Shin and Sauce. I need to leave with my friends and our talking capybara.

Shinya: I understand. Hey, get better. And stay out of the street!

JCM: You got it!

(JCM runs out the restaurant with the others.)

Shinya: (sniffs) They grow up so fast.

(The End)

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JCM Counsels a Hawk

(JCM is in his office with a student.)

Student: So, what am I supposed to do about my depression?

JCM: Well, I was depressed for 30 seconds yesterday, so I would say I have extensive experience with it!

Student: And?

JCM: Just think happy thoughts and you’ll cheer up in no time!

Student: I…don’t think that’s how it works.

JCM: Who’s the therapist here?

Student: You aren’t a therapist! You’re a fucking school counselor! I can’t believe I went to you with this! You’re worse than Seb!

(The student runs out of the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.)

JCM: Hi there, Mr. Alpha! What’s troubling you?

HawkbitAlpha: It’s my little brother, HawkbitZeta. He won’t talk to me, and he’s failing all his classes, including my math class.

JCM: That’s terrible!

HawkbitAlpha: And that’s not all. I found these in his backpack.

(HawkbitAlpha reveals a pair of Groucho glasses from under his shirt.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh! What are those?

HawkbitAlpha: Remnants of a life I left behind. I’m going to send my brother here the next time he’s in class with me, so do you think you can get through to him?

JCM: I know I can!

HawkbitAlpha: Thanks.

(HawkbitAlpha gives JCM the Groucho glasses.)

HawkbitAlpha: Also, could you do me a favor and not tell HawkbitZeta I swiped these from him?

JCM: Of course! Consider these protected by doctor-patient Miss-Congeniality!

HawkbitAlpha: You mean confidentiality?

JCM: So it’s not like the Sandra Bullock movie?

HawkbitAlpha: No.

JCM: Darn! Well, your secret’s safe with me, anyway!

(Later that day, HawkbitZeta walks into JCM’s office.)

JCM: Is there anything you want to talk to me about?

HawkbitZeta: No. My stupid older brother sent me here!

JCM: Why do you think he did that?

HawkbitZeta: Because he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to mind his own business!

(JCM nods before slowly placing the Groucho glasses on his desk.)

JCM: Do you know me what these are?

HawkbitZeta: That…that was in my backpack!

(HawkbitZeta opens his backpack and realizes the glasses are no longer in them.)

HawkbitZeta: Were you going through my stuff?

JCM: (nervously) No?

HawkbitZeta: Then where the fuck did you get those glasses from?

JCM: I’m sorry, but my shrink book says I’m only supposed to ask questions early on because it’s about you, you know?

HawkbitZeta: You piece of shit! You think you can steal from me and get away with it?

JCM: Calm down, please?

(HawkbitZeta grabs the Groucho glasses and puts them on.)

HawkbitZeta: If you thought my brother was a menace, you’re going to hate me!

(HawkbitZeta runs out of the office and then runs into HawkbitAlpha’s classroom.)

HawkbitAlpha: What’s going on? And why are you wearing those?

HawkbitZeta: That guidance counselor you sent me to stole these from me!

HawkbitAlpha: He…did?

HawkbitZeta: So I need you to go to the principal with me so we can get him fired!

HawkbitAlpha: I…I can’t do that.

HawkbitZeta: Why not? It will be like the old days, with HawkbitAlpha, master of disguise, and his apprentice, HawkbitZeta! Just the two of us, making trouble together!

HawkbitAlpha: That was never real. I was never a “master of disguise”. I was just a kid with a lot of issues. And I don’t want you to start getting those same issues, which is why I took those glasses out of your backpack.

(HawkbitZeta begins to back away.)

HawkbitZeta: It was you?

HawkbitAlpha: Yes, but you need to understand…

HawkbitZeta: No! Fuck you! I’m sick of this class, I’m sick of this school, I’m sick of everything!

(HawkbitZeta runs out of the classroom, and HawkbitAlpha follows him.)

HawkbitAlpha: Wait!

(HawkbitZeta raises a middle finger as he runs out the school. JCM then comes out of his office.)

JCM: Did we fix him?

HawkbitAlpha: What do you think?

JCM: I’ll guess…yes!

HawkbitAlpha: You’re a fucking idiot, JCM.

(HawkbitAlpha walks back into his classroom sadly.)

JCM: Think happy thoughts, Mr. Alpha! (to himself) I wonder what happened to his brother.

(HawkbitZeta is sitting outside the school and crying. He suddenly feels an ice-cold hand touch his shoulder.)

Voice: So, you want to be a master of disguise?

(HawkbitZeta looks up to find that Tucker Tuckerson is now standing beside him.)

HawkbitZeta: I mean, I don’t not want that.

Tucker: Then come with me into my candy van, and I’ll teach you how to turn into whatever you want!

HawkbitZeta: I don’t know…I feel like I’ve been getting warned about people like you since kindergarten.

Tucker: Listen…if you want some real power, follow me. Otherwise, stay right there, crying about shit the world does to you, instead of doing some shit to the world for once.

(Tucker starts walking to a black van with “CANDY” spray painted in white on it that is parked on the side of the street. HawkbitZeta hesitates before following him.)

Tucker: I knew you would come to your senses.

HawkbitZeta: Do you have Kinder Bueno in that van?

Tucker: It’s not an actual candy van.

HawkbitZeta: Fuck!

(The End)

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JCM Plays the Game of Thrones

(JCM walks into the school on a Friday. He sees the words “Winter Is Coming” written across the lockers.)

JCM: That’s weird. Spring just started!

(Jjs approaches JCM.)

Jjs: JCM, I wanted to give the good news to you first: you’re a finalist for the Featured Employee award!

JCM: Ooh, do I get a bonus for winning it?

Jjs: (laughs) No, of course not. But you do get to wear this all next week if you win it.

(Jjs holds up a fake Burger King crown.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh! That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! Can I touch it?

Jjs: Fuck no! Just keep up the good work, and you might see it again.

(Jjs goes into his office.)

JCM: I have to win that crown!

(JCM stands outside the teacher’s lounge and hands out flyers as people walk in.)

JCM: Hi! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee!

(JCM gives the last flyer to Fred, who studies it.)

Fred: You do realize I’m a finalist for Featured Employee, too, right?

JCM: That’s great! Just know that no matter who ends up winning the crown, we’re all winners in the end! But not really. Because only one will get the crown.

(Fred nods before going into the teacher’s lounge and climbing onto the table.)

Fred: Hey! After school is over, drinks are on me!

(The teachers in the room cheer.)

JCM: Oh, yeah? Well, drinks are doubly on me! Free drinks for a week if you vote for me!

(The teachers in the room cheer louder.  Fred climbs off the desk and gets so close to JCM that their faces are only inches apart.)

Fred: When you play the game of thrones, JCM, you either win…or you die.

JCM: Wow! That’s pretty dark!

Fred: Yeah, I may have gone too far, but that crown is mine!

(JCM notices OMJ cleaning the graffiti off the lockers.)

JCM: Hey, OMJ, can I help you with that?

OMJ: Sure!

Fred: I’ll help, too!

(JCM and Fred fight over the mop, and OMJ backs away from them.)

OMJ: This is getting weird!

(Later that day, Katniss is preparing lunch in the cafeteria when JCM runs up to her.)

JCM: Hey, Kat, can I help you make the food? I have restaurant experience! I’m good for it!

Katniss: Fuck off! Don’t you have your own job to do?

JCM: It’s no trouble! I swear!

Katniss: Even if I wanted your help, Fred’s already helping me!

(Fred, who was crouching to pick up food he dropped, stands up again, revealing himself to JCM as he throws the food away.)

Fred: Hey, JCM! What are you hungry for today?

JCM: I…I can’t believe you would do this to me!

Fred: What do you mean? I haven’t even poisoned you yet!

(Katniss glares at Fred.)

Fred: Just kidding!

(Suddenly, a man stumbles into the cafeteria with an ice pick through his chest.)

Student: Gross, man! People are trying to eat!

Man: An army of the dead…it’s coming…for the school.

(The man collapses.)

JCM: Don’t worry! I’ll get the nurse! She’ll definitely vote for me if I help her save a dying man!

(As JCM starts to run out of the cafeteria, the man grabs his leg and starts to bite at it.)

JCM: Hey! Let go of me!

Student: Oh, my God! It’s a dead man with a biting fetish!

(All of the students storm out of the cafeteria, separating the man from JCM as they trample him.)

JCM: Wait! No! If he gets deader, I won’t be able to save him.

(Jjs runs up to JCM.)

Jjs: Don’t you see? That’s a zombie! We have to get school security!

JCM: Yay! More people who can vote for me!

(Jjs and JCM run out of the school to find all of their security guards lying on the ground in front of them with ice picks in their chests.)

Jjs: No! Who will we have to apply unnecessary force to rowdy students now?

JCM: (points) Look, jjs!

(Hundreds of zombies, led by Elsa, march towards the school.)

JCM: I’ll use my anime superpowers to take care of this in a jiff!

(JCM closes and opens his eyes, and then he flies towards Elsa and the zombies. Suddenly, he’s attacked by a hawk.)

JCM: Ouch! Stop!

(The hawk plucks out one of JCM’s eyes, and he falls to the ground.)

JCM: No! That was my favorite eye!

(OMJ runs out of the school next.)

OMJ: I’ll take care of this! I’m a goddamn her-

(An ice pick flies into OMJ’s chest.)

OMJ: Nevermind.

(OMJ dies, and jjs runs back into the school.)

Jjs: Fuck!

(Fred and Katniss come out of the cafeteria.)

Jjs: It’s over. We’re all going to get eaten by zombies.

Katniss: No.

(Katniss kicks one of the lockers, and it opens to reveal a bow and arrow inside.)

Katniss: We’re going to fight!

(JCM crawls into the school with blood dripping out of his empty eye socket.)

JCM: No wonder Plankton is so grumpy all the time! This stinks!

Fred: Have you given up?

JCM: Never! Not until I beat you! I may have lost an eye, but I am not going to lose that crown!

(As Elsa and the zombies get closer, JCM, Fred, Jjs, and Katniss recruit as many students and faculty as they can to help them fight off the zombies. The war lasts hours, and hundreds on both sides perish, but Elsa eventually decides that the losses are too much and orders her army to turn back. The survivors on the side of the living bury their dead before going back into the school.)

JCM: Man, that was crazy! So, who won Featured Employee?

Jjs: JCM, how can you think about Featured Employee at a time like this?

JCM: I mean, we won, didn’t we?

Jjs: (sighs) Yeah, I guess we did.

(Jjs addresses the students.)

Jjs: Call your parents. Call your Ubers, do what you need to do to get home. (pauses) We fucking won this shit!

(Everybody cheers.)

Fred: JCM?

JCM: Yeah?

Fred: Whether I won or lost, I just want to say…good game.

JCM: (nods) Good game.

(The faculty go into the teacher’s longue, and Jjs opens the results of the Featured Employee voting on his phone.)

Jjs: Today, we learned a lot about what we’re capable of as a staff and as a school. As powerful as we are, though, nothing in the world more powerful than a good story. Nothing can stop it. No enemy can defeat it, and who has better stories than our school librarian, SOF? That’s why I voted for him, and that’s why I imagine so many others in this room did, too. SOF, come on up! You’re this week’s Featured Employee!

JCM: What?

Fred: What?

JCM: I didn’t even know we had a library!

Fred: I didn’t, either, and I’m the English teacher! Now that I think about it, that may be why I lost.

OMJ: That and you two not doing your jobs all day.

Fred: Hey, weren’t you just killed?

OMJ: Yeah, but I’m fine now. Totally unrelated, but can I bite your arm?

Fred: Not gonna happen.

OMJ: Worth a shot.

(The End)

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JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 1)

(JCM walks into Wumbology’s science class wearing an eyepatch.)

Wumbology: JCM! I’m loving the pirate getup.

JCM: Wumbo? You’re the science teacher again?

Wumbology: Well, yeah. After SG got outed as Selena Gomez and the one they hired after her died in our war against the ice zombies…


Wumbology: RIP. You know, I never got his name…

JCM: Doesn’t matter now. Anyway, I want to know if it’s possible to use science to grow an eye back…and maybe get me back some lost anime superpowers.

Wumbology: I don’t think it’s science that you’re looking for, JCM: it’s magic.

JCM: Is there anybody around here who knows magic?

Wumbology: Technically, I shouldn’t believe in magic, but there is an old lady in the woods who is said to be capable of…strange things.

JCM: Strange things?

Wumbology: Indeed. But you didn’t hear it from me. Now shoo! I have a class to teach!

(That night, JCM walks into the woods, braving cold air and strange animal noises everywhere. Suddenly, his foot gets pulled by a rope, and he finds himself hanging upside down from a tree branch. An old woman jumps out of a nearby bush.)

Woman: Aha! A fresh kill!

JCM: Wait! I’m not an animal!

Woman: Aww.

(The woman cuts JCM down.)

Woman: Wait a minute. I know you.

(The wrinkles disappear from the woman’s face and the bags vanish from her eyes to reveal who she really is.)

JCM: (gasps) Fa?

Fa: It’s been a long time, JCM.

JCM: Where have you been these last ten years?

Fa: Bought a spellbook on Amazon, left civilization to embrace life as a witch, you know, the usual.

JCM: I’m happy you’re not dead!

Fa: Thanks! I’m happy I’m not dead, too!

(JCM and Fa walk into Fa’s cabin.)

Fa: So, what are you craving? Squirrel? Deer? Berries? Bark?

JCM: I’m good.

Fa: What happened to your eye?

JCM: A bird stole it from me!

Fa: Damn. Sorry to hear that.

JCM: Do you think you could use magic from that spellbook of yours to grow it back?

Fa: Magic isn’t just a toy that you can play with whenever you suffer a devastating mutilation, JCM. 

JCM: It’s not?

Fa: No. It can be very dangerous. I could grow you a new eye, but that eye could turn the rest of you evil! You’re better off just living with one eye for the rest of your life.

JCM: No! I didn’t come all the way down here just to get turned away! You will make me a new eye!

(Fa grows to twice her height, and fire appears around her.)

Fa: (echoing) Or what?

(JCM sweats then raises an open palm before closing and opening his eye.)

JCM: Darn it! I forgot! My chiwa doesn’t work anymore.

Fa: Wait, your chiwa doesn’t work anymore?

(Fa returns to her normal height.)

Fa: Your chiwa is our last line of defense against supernatural threats! Without it, we’re royally fucked!

JCM: So, you’ll help me?

Fa: Yes, JCM. I’ll help you.

(Fa pours various potions into a bowl before stirring them together.)

JCM: Oh, do I drink from that?

Fa: Something like that.

(Fa slams JCM’s face into the bowl, and he screams.)

JCM: It burns!

Fa: That means it’s working!

(Fa picks up JCM’s face, which is now red and scarred.)

Fa: You’re probably gonna need a cream for that.

JCM: Do you have that cream?

Fa: (laughs) I’m a witch, not a pharmacist!

(Fa stares into the bowl and scratches her chin.)

Fa: This locator spell says your eye is at Shinya’s restaurant.

JCM: What? How?

Fa: Not sure, but you’re probably going to want to head over there to get your eye. Somehow, that eye is connected to your powers, so making you a new one would do you no good.

JCM: (nods) Thanks, Fa.

(Before JCM leaves the cabin, he turns around.)

JCM: How do I look?

Fa: You look like shit.

JCM: That will have to do!

(JCM runs to shinya’s Korean restaurant, and when he gets there, he finds Elsa holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head and his twin brother, MCJ, holding a gun to shinya’s head.)

JCM: W-what’s going on?

Sauce: (crying) Get the fuck out, JCM! It’s a trap!

MCJ: Miss me, bro?

(To Be Continued)

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JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 2)

(JCM is in shinya’s Korean restaurant, where Elsa is holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head, and MCJ is holding a gun to shinya’s head.)

JCM: MCJ? How did you get out of prison?

MCJ: I got off early for good behavior. Just kidding! I shanked like 40 blokes! It was not good behavior.

Elsa: Me and my apprentice helped him get out of that prison.

JCM: Your apprentice? Is that the one who took my eye?

(HawkbitZeta comes out of the kitchen holding JCM’s eye.)

HawkbitZeta: Ding, ding, ding! Tell the audience what he’s won!

(JCM lunges at HawkbitZeta, causing him to flinch.)

Elsa: Stop! Take another step, and both of your friends die.

(JCM stops.)

MCJ: I wish I could feel bad for you, brother, but because of you, I lost my fucking arm!

JCM: I’m sorry, okay? But those two have nothing to do with it.

Elsa: So cooperate with us and we won’t have to hurt them.

Sauce: Don’t listen to them, JCM!

Shinya: I can’t believe I trusted you, Elsa!

Elsa: I can’t believe you trusted me, either.

JCM: What is it you want?

Elsa: I spent many years studying those powers of yours, which led to me correctly guessing that removing your right eye would cut you off from them. Your powers would be even more valuable on our side, however, so if you agree to join us, we’ll give you back your eye and return your powers to you.

JCM: Agree to join what?

Elsa: Our awesome new group: Team Rage...2!

Shinya: (rolls eyes) How original.

(MCJ turns his gun sideways.)

MCJ: You wanna get capped, bitch?

JCM: What will happen to my friends if I join you?

Elsa: We’ll have to hold them hostage so we have leverage over you, but as long as you do what we say, we’ll keep your friends safe.

Sauce: She’s lying! Don’t fall for it!

(Elsa hits Sauce on the back of the head with her gun, knocking her out.)

JCM: No!

Shinya: Fuck!

Elsa: I’m tired of fucking around! You have ten seconds to decide what you’ll do, JCM! If you don’t join us after that, we’ll kill your friends right here and you with them! Ten seconds! 10…9…8…

(As Elsa continues counting down, JCM clenches his fists. He rips off his eyepatch, closes his eyes, then opens them again, revealing a new eye in the place of the missing one.)

Elsa: 3…2… (notices JCM’s new eye) Wha-

(Elsa’s and MCJ’s guns fly out of their hands, and they run towards the front door as JCM shoots blasts of energy at them. HawkbitZeta runs after them, but JCM blocks his way to the exit as Elsa and MCJ successfully escape.)

JCM: I was your guidance counselor! I thought I fixed you!

HawkbitZeta: You didn’t fix shit!

(Elsa shoots ice at JCM from behind, but he melts it in midair without turning around.)

Elsa: Let him out, JCM!

JCM: No, Elsa! You attacked the school, put my friends in danger, and had your lackey steal my frickin’ eye!

(JCM points an open palm at HawkbitZeta, who closes his eyes as JCM’s palm lights up.)

JCM: Now...I’ll steal something from you.

(Shinya leaps in front of HawkbitZeta.)

Shinya: Don’t do this, JCM. He’s just a kid.

JCM: Get out of the way, shin!

Shinya: No! This isn’t how we’re going to beat them!

JCM: You don’t think I’ll do it? You don’t think I’ll blow through both of you?

Shinya: JCM...listen to yourself.

(Sauce Mama regains consciousness and gasps when she sees what’s going on.)

Sauce: JCM!

(Sauce runs to JCM, who is now crying, and gently pushes down his arm.)

JCM: They were going to kill you...they were going to kill both of you...and I was helpless.

Sauce: Well, you aren’t helpless now.

Shinya: Get the fuck out of here, kid.

(HawkbitZeta stumbles out of the restaurant and follows Elsa and MCJ into Elsa’s candy van.)

Elsa: I didn’t realize just how anime JCM’s anime superpowers were. This will be harder than I thought.

(The van drives off as JCM, Shinya, and Sauce Mama watch it.)

JCM: Why did they paint “candy” on that van?

Sauce: And shouldn’t we, like, call the cops or something?

Shinya: It’s been a long day. We should all head home.

JCM: What are you talking about? It’s 11 in the morning.

Sauce: I’m going to assume that's a “no” to calling the cops?

Shinya: I’m selling much harder drugs than weed out of this restaurant, Sauce! No, no cops!

JCM: So, what do we do from here?

Shinya: We get ready. All three of us. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Team Rage 2, which is still a fucking horrible name.

JCM: (nods) I’m going back to the school to actually do my job for the first time in days! If anything happens, call me on my flip phone!

Sauce: Flip phone? You still haven’t upgraded?

JCM: Never, Sauce. Never.

(JCM walks away, and as Sauce and Shinya are about to go inside again, a man stops them.)

Man: Hey, are you guys open?

Shinya: Do you see the “Closed” sign in the window? What the fuck do you think?

Man: Alright, alright! (walks away) Asshole.

(The End)

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JCM Becomes a Family Guy

(Peter and Lois Griffin are playing the piano in their living room.)

Lois: (singing) It seems today that all you see is smart, provoking humor in shows like Barry!

Peter: (singing) But where are those good old fashioned gimmicks...

(The rest of the family slides into the scene.)

Griffins: (singing) On which we used to rely?

(The Griffins are now dressed elaborately and dancing on a stage.)

Griffins: (singing) Lucky there's a Family Guy! Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that that make Clapmaster cry!

(Clappy is watching an episode of Family Guy where a cross-dressing Vladimir Putin is giving Peter a lap dance.)

Clappy: (crying) Why do I continue to watch this shit?

(Cut back to the stage.)

Griffins: (singing) He's...a...Family...Guy!

(Zoom out to reveal the Family Guy logo as the music ends. After a few seconds, cut to an establishing shot of the Griffin household before cutting to Peter and Lois on the living room couch watching television.)

Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time we appeared in JCMovies?

Lois: The fuck is a JCMovies?

(Cut to JCM in his office at the SpongeBob Community School. Wumbo runs in.)

Wumbo: JCM, something terrible has happened!

JCM: What?

Wumbo: We're in a Family Guy cutaway gag!

JCM: Really? How do you know?

Wumbo: I have an app on my phone that tells me when we've entered a new reality...

(Wumbo takes out his phone and shows JCM what's on it.)

Wumbo: ...and we're definitely in the "entire world is a throwaway joke on Family Guy" reality.

JCM: How do we get out of it?

Wumbo: We need to find who sent us here in the first place, and since you're usually responsible for the crazy shit that happens at the school, I'm going to you first.

JCM: I swear! I have nothing to do with it!

Wumbo: Maybe not intentionally. Have you opened any weird emails this morning?

JCM: I open every weird email I get!

Wumbo: What the fuck? Have you ever heard of a spam filter?

JCM: I'm 127! I don't understand technology, Wumbo!

Wumbo: (sighs) Fine. Let's just look through your email and find out which one sent us here.

(JCM and Wumbo walk to the computer lab, where they find the cross-dressing Vladimir Putin from earlier at one of the computers.)

Wumbo: Can I help you?

Putin: Oh! I was just...looking at porn! Yeah!

JCM: Hey! He has my AOL page open!

(Putin runs out of the computer lab, and JCM and Wumbo run to his computer.)

JCM: He deleted all my emails!

Wumbo: He definitely has something to do with us winding up here! We have to follow him!

(Putin runs out of the school and finds OWM getting into a school bus. JCM and Wumbo run out next to find Putin jumping onto the back of the school bus as it drives off.)

JCM: What do we do now?

Wumbo: Let's get into my car! Fast!

(Putin climbs onto the top of the school bus as it drives down the street. He crawls to the front of the bus then hangs over it, surprising OWM as he kicks in the driver's window.)

OWM: What the fuck?

Putin: Give me that wheel!

(Putin tries to pull OWM off the wheel, causing the bus to swerve.)

OWM: Knock it off! There's a kid back there!

(OWM points to imindanger, who is sitting at the back of the bus.)

Imindanger: (chuckles) I'm in mortal peril!

(Putin pulls the wheel so hard to the right that the bus topples over, causing imindanger to fly out the window. OWM and Putin fight as JCM and Wumbo speed down the street towards them. JCM leans out his door to catch imindanger and pull him into the car with them.)

Imindanger: Hooray! I'm not dead!

Wumbo: There's Vlady Putin!

JCM: Vlady Putin? Did you just come up with that?

Wumbo: Yeah, I thought it was clever. Come on!

(Just as Putin overpowers OWM, he's grabbed by JCM and Wumbo.)

Wumbo: It's time for you to start talking.

JCM: Yeah! Why are you in drag?

Putin: It's a military strategy.

(Putin pulls one of his arms away from Wumbo then puts a hand on his chest.)

Putin: I'll suck your dick if you give me weapons to commit war crimes in Ukraine with.

Wumbo: (sweating) Holy shit, that's convincing.

JCM: Next question: why did you delete all of my emails?

Putin: I couldn't let you find out who sent you the email that trapped you and everybody else in Circuit City in a Family Guy cutaway gag.

OWM: Wait, we're in a Family Guy cutaway gag?

Wumbo: (rolls eyes) Americans. Am I right, imindanger?

Imindanger: I think there's a piece of glass lodged in my skull. Is there a hospital nearby?

JCM: Last question, Vlady...

Putin: Ooh, that's clever.

Wumbo: Thanks. I came up with it.

JCM: ...who was it that sent me the email?

Putin: I'll tell you...but first, I need to take my pills. I'm an old man, and I'm on a schedule.

JCM: (nods) I understand.

(Wumbo takes a bottle of water out of his car and gives it to Putin, who swallows two pills and then drinks from the water bottle.)

Putin: (licks lips) Thank you.

(Putin foams at the mouth and collapses.)

Wumbo: Those were cyanide pills, weren't they?

OWM: Yup. I could have warned you, but my stupid American brain assumed you wouldn't listen. 

Wumbo: And you assumed right! Come on! I have another idea for getting back to our reality!

(Wumbo heads back to his car with JCM and OWM right behind him.)

Imindanger: So...I guess the hospital isn't going to happen, then?

(To Be Continued)

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