JCMovies

[William Leonard]

Really, really good. The animation may not be the best, but it does go great with the general style of this spin-off.

[JCM]

JCM Becomes a Productive Member of Society

(JCM is in the auditorium with ExKizuna and Metal Snake. Aquatic Nuggets is finishing up a speech onstage.)

AN: This is the first day of the rest of your lives.

JCM: (sighs) Goodbye, SBC.

(3 years later, JCM walks into AMK152's office at SpongeBob Community College.)

AMK: Oh, fuck. It's you, again.

JCM: Hi, AMK! How are you this fine morn?

AMK: Terrible now that you're here.

JCM: Oh, you! I just came here to know how I'm progressing towards my teaching degree.

AMK: I already told you that you can look up your progress online.

JCM: But I forgot my password.

AMK: And I already told you to write your password down!

JCM: I did! I wrote it down in a notepad yesterday, but I forgot where I put that notepad.

AMK: Goddamnit, JCM! You know what?

(AMK opens a cabinet by his desk and pulls out a teaching degree.)

AMK: Here you go! Your progress is 100%! Now, get the fuck out of my office!

JCM: You really mean it? I can teach?

AMK: Yeah, just teach far, far away from where I'm at.

(JCM grabs the teaching degree and runs out of SpongeBob Community College.)

JCM: Look, world! I'm a certified teacher!

(A bird passes overhead and poops on JCM's shoulder.)

JCM: Aw...

(The next day, JCM runs into Aquatic Nuggets' office at the SpongeBob Community School.)

JCM: Mr. Nuggets, I have a teaching degree now! Can you give me a job here?

AN: You know, you don't have to call me Mr. Nuggets anymore.

JCM: Sorry, Mr. Nuggets.

AN: And no, I'm not just going to hand over a job to whoever walks into my office.

(CowBob RanchPants walks into the office,)

CowBob: Hey, Nugs! I just got a teaching degree! Can you give me a job here?

AN: Bitch, please! Of course you can!

(JCM coughs.)

AN: In fact, a teaching position just opened up for our art class.

CowBob: That'd be perfect!

(JCM coughs louder.)

AN: You should really see the nurse about that cough, JCM.

JCM: What was this about you not handing over a job to whoever walked into your office?

AN: That doesn't apply to CowBob. CowBob and I are tighter than a Catholic nun's asshole.

JCM: I thought we were tight, too, home skillet biscuit!

CowBob: (laughs) I'll see you later, Nuggets.

AN: See ya, CB.

(CowBob leaves.)

AN: Okay, JCM, I'll give you a job on the condition that you never say "home skillet biscuit" ever again.

JCM: You got it! Now, what class am I gonna teach?

AN: You? Teach? God, no! But Milkmaidman just retired, so you can take his spot as janitor.

JCM: Janitor? I did not go to the best SpongeBob-themed college in the country to get a job as a janitor!

AN: Take it or leave it.

JCM: I'll take it!

AN: Welcome aboard. Sauce Mama is serving Mexican food in the cafeteria, so you'll probably be busy in the restrooms all day.

JCM: Sauce Mama? Who's Sauce Mama?

AN: Smiles.

JCM: First Cha changes her name, and now Smiles? Are there any other name changes that I need to know about?

(OddSpongeFan walks into the office.)

AN: Hey, OSF!

JCM: Goodbye.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Reunites With Tvguy

 

(JCM is walking down the hallway with jjstheviceprincipal.)

 

jjstheviceprincipal: ...and that's all you need to know about being a staff member. Got it, JCM?

 

JCM: (distracted) Yeah, yeah, I got it.

 

(JCM stares at the door to the teacher's lounge.)

 

JCM: Oh, man! I wish I was a teacher so I could go in here.

 

jjstheviceprincipal: You know, we do allow janitors in the teacher's lounge.

 

JCM: Really? Oh, joy! Now I don't have to sneak in here to borrow your coffee anymore!

 

jjstheviceprincipal: Wait, you were the espresso thief?

 

(JCM opens the door.)

 

jjstheviceprincipal: JCM, now's not the best time to go in there.

 

JCM: Why?

 

(CDCB pulls JCM into the staff lounge.)

 

CDCB: (jumpy) Hey, JCM! How's it going?

 

JCM: Uh...fine.

 

CDCB: Would you like to try some of my cocaine? (holds out a bag of coke)

 

JCM: Uh...no thanks.

 

CDCB: Good, because It's mine, you understand? Mine! All mine! Mine, mine, mine!

 

JCM: CD, I think you should lay off the drugs.

 

CDCB: That reminds me of a great joke! What do you call a hooker with cameltoe?

 

JCM: What?

 

CDCB: A camel! Get it, because humps!

 

JCM: That...didn't make any sense at all.

 

(jjstheviceprincipal peeks into the staff lounge.)

 

jjstheviceprincipal: JCM, there's someone here to see you. Wait, you can't go in th-

 

(Dylan walks into the teacher's lounge.)

 

Dylan: Hello there, persons of inferior intellect. I am Sheldon of The Big Bang Theory. Bazinga.

 

JCM: Uh...

 

CDCB: It seems that Dylan has reverted back to his tvguyvian form. That reminds me of a great joke! Why did the hooker cross the road?

 

Dylan: I suspect that I'll regret asking this, but why?

 

CDCB: Because the road didn't pay her! (laughs)

 

JCM: Okay, you two are crazy, and I'm leaving before I catch some of your crazy!

 

Dylan: (flinches) JCM, wait!

 

JCM: Huh?

 

Dylan: I'm sorry for that...brief relapse. I've been going through a lot of shit lately.

 

JCM: What do you want me to do about it?

 

Dylan: You were always loyal to me while I was principal, and I'll need that loyalty more than ever now.

 

JCM: Why?

 

Dylan: JCM, this may surprise you, but I wasn't always the handsome stud you see.

 

JCM: That does surprise me.

 

Dylan: I was once a lowly janitor like yourself, and to cope with the humiliation, I took the form of popular television personalities. You may be familiar with Bill Cosby... (imitating Bill Cosby) Theo! ...And Jerry Seinfeld. (imitating Jerry Seinfeld) What's the deal with that?

 

CDCB: What is the deal with that? You know, that reminds me of a great joke!

 

JCM and Dylan: No!

 

CDCB: (muttering) Assholes.

 

Dylan: I need the taste of power again to keep myself from going back to my old ways. Do you think you can put in a good word with Nuggets? 

 

JCM: Alright, I'll help you. But this is the last time!

 

(JCM takes Dylan to Aquatic Nuggets' office.)

 

AN: No. Whatever you're going to ask me, no.

 

JCM: Well, I guess that's that. (leaves)

 

Dylan: Come on, Nuggets. There's gotta be something I can do. For old times' sake.

 

AN: (sighs) You're lucky you caught me in a good mood. I guess I can make you my adviser.

 

Dylan: What does the adviser do?

 

AN: The adviser gets me coffee from the teacher's lounge.

 

jjstheviceprincipal: (from outside the office) That shit doesn't grow on trees, you know! Well, actually, it does, but

 

(The End)

[Wumbo]

Please keep this series going forever.

[JCM]

JCM Sleeps His Way to Fame

 

(JCM is cleaning up vomit in the cafeteria when Sauce Mama approaches him.)

 

Sauce Mama: JCM, you haven't spoken to me once since you came back! How have things been for the last three years?

 

JCM: Th-th-th-they've b-b-been fine. 

 

Sauce Mama: Are you okay?

 

JCM: (points) Look! It's Johnny Depp!

 

Sauce Mama: I highly doubt that Johnny Depp is behind me.

 

(Johnny Depp taps Sauce Mama on the shoulder.)

 

Sauce Mama: (turns around) Holy fuck!

 

Johnny Depp: Hi there. I'm researching my newest role as Johnny Depp: Quirky Cafeteria Worker, starring Johnny Depp! Mind if I observe you?

 

(JCM sneaks out of the cafeteria and goes to SpongeSebastian's office.)

 

SpongeSebastian: i haven't seen you in a while.

 

JCM: Yeah, my mental health has been better than usual as of late.

 

SpongeSebastian: 'tis a shame. what do you want?

 

JCM: I want you to use your psychologist magic to make me fall out of love with Sauce Mama. These,,,feelings are interfering with my work.

 

SpongeSebastian: now, now. i can't mess with love. that goes against the message of every song released in the 70s that wasn't about drugs.

 

JCM: The 70s were a dark time.

 

SpongeSebastian: however, i can use hypnosis you make you think you aren't in love with sauce anymore.

 

JCM: You can do that?

 

SpongeSebastian: every therapist can.

 

(SpongeSebastian holds up his finger.)

 

SpongeSebastian: now, follow my finger as i move it left and right.

 

JCM: Shouldn't you use a pocket watch?

 

SpongeSebastian: what am i? some kind of stereotype? now shut up and follow the finger.

 

(SpongeSebastian moves his finger left and right, and JCM follows it with his eyes.)

 

SpongeSebastian: you are getting tired. oh, so tired.

 

JCM: I am getting tired.

 

(JCM falls asleep.)

 

SpongeSebastian: when i snap my fingers, you will wake up and forget that you have a crush on sauce mama and will be able to function like a regular human being in front of her.

 

(SpongeSebastian snaps his fingers. JCM doesn't wake up. SpongeSebastian snaps his fingers again. JCM snores loudly.)

 

SpongeSebastian: oh, shit. not again. if the board finds out about this, i'll lose my certificate. i knew i should have used a damn pocket watch.

 

(SpongeSebastian puts sunglasses on JCM and drags him out of the room. He bumps into Johnny Depp.)

 

Johnny Depp: Watch where you're going, ol-oh my God, is that Marlon Brando?

 

SpongeSebastian: uhh, sure.

 

Johnny Depp: Marlon Brando is the reason I got into acting in the first place! Can I take a selfie with you, Marlo?

 

(SpongeSebastian squeezes JCM's face.)

 

SpongeSebastian: (imitating JCM) Anything for a fan!

 

(Johnny Depp takes out a cell phone and snaps a picture of himself with JCM.)

 

Johnny Depp: This made my day! Stay beautiful, both of you!

 

(Johnny Depp skips to the cafeteria.)

 

SpongeSebastian: okay, now to get him off my hands.

 

(SpongeSebastian drags JCM outside, and a few seconds later, they're surrounded by paparazzi.)

 

Reporter 1: Marlon Brando, what were your reasons for faking your death?

 

Reporter 2: Marlon Brando, is that creepy old bald man the gay lover you've secretly been with for the last ten years?

 

SpongeSebastian: am I his what?

 

Reporter 3: Marlon Brando, will you sign my camera?

 

(SpongeSebastian squeezes JCM's face again.)

 

SpongeSebastian: (imitating JCM) leave me the fuck alone, all of you!

 

(Johnny Depp runs out of the school drenched in cold water.)

 

Johnny Depp: I challenge you to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Marlon Brando!

 

(One of the reporters pours a bucket of ice cold water over JCM. JCM jumps, causing his sunglasses to fall off.)

 

Reporter 1: You aren't Marlon Brando! Your eyes aren't dreamy enough!

 

Reporter 2: Marlon Brando impostor, how does it feel to know that you lied to America?

 

Reporter 3: You can still sign my camera if you want to...

 

JCM: Does anyone have a towel?

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Duels With a Doppelganger

 

(JCM wakes up in his bed and yawns. He turns around and sees "9:15" flashing on his digital alarm clock.)

 

JCM: Oh, my gosh! I'm late!

 

(JCM runs into the restroom and notices in the mirror that he has a goatee.)

 

JCM: What the?

 

(JCM pulls on the goatee, but it doesn't budge.)

 

JCM: MCJ! What are you up to? MCJ?

 

(JCM runs out of the house to find that his scooter is gone.)

 

JCM: He took Scooty! That monster!

 

(At the SpongeBob Community School, a goatee-less MCJ is talking with CowBob RanchPants in her art class.)

 

CowBob: JCM, I didn't know you liked quirky anime-western cartoon hybrids that aired on Nicktoons Network for two years, too.

 

MCJ: There's a lot of things you don't know about me.

 

CowBob: Well, how about we get to know each other better?

 

MCJ: (chuckles) I'd love to.

 

(JCM rushes into the room, panting.)

 

JCM: I...impostor!

 

MCJ: Huh?

 

CowBob: MCJ! I haven't seen you in forever!

 

JCM: I'm not MCJ! He's MCJ! He glued a goatee to my face and is pretending to be me because he's evil!

 

CowBob: Is this true, JCM?

 

MCJ: No!

 

JCM: (at the same time) Yes!

 

(MCJ and JCM growl at each other.)

 

CowBob: It seems that there's only one way to prove who the real JCM is.

 

MCJ: What?

 

(The Community Deathmatch logo appears.)

 

Announcer: Cooooomunity Deathmatch!

 

(JCM and MCJ are suddenly in a wrestling ring with millions of screaming fans around them. OMJ and jjstheviceprincipal are reporting from in front of the ring.)

 

OMJ: Hello, and welcome to Community Deathmatch! I'm your host, OMJ.

 

jjs: And I'm your vice host, jjs!

 

OMJ: We've got a good one for you today. Brother against brother!

 

jjs: Blood against blood! Whoever wins this match will prove once and for all that he is the real JCM.

 

OMJ: And whoever loses will be...well, he'll be dead.

 

jjs: No pressure, of course.

 

OMJ: Now, without any further ado, let's begin. And remember...IT'S JUST POSTS!

 

JCM: Wait a minute! I didn't agree to any

 

(MCJ swings his foot under JCM, causing him to fall.)

 

JCM: Hey, no fair! I wasn't ready!

 

OMJ: The JCM without the ugly facial hair is starting out strong.

 

(MCJ jumps onto JCM and starts punching him in the face.)

 

JCM: Time out! Time out!

 

jjs: Sorry, kid, but there's only one kind of time-out in Community Deathmatch, and that's the eternal time-out.

 

OMJ: In other words, fight or die, muthafucka!

 

JCM: Fine, then!

 

(JCM, whose face is now bloody, pushes MCJ off.)

 

JCM: Try this on for size!

 

(JCM takes off his shoe and throws it at MCJ's head.)

 

jjs: He uses shoe-throwey-on-head attack! It's super effective!

 

(MCJ spins around, dizzy, and grabs onto the rope to keep his balance.)

 

JCM: I call this next move the Rabid Dog.

 

(JCM bites MCJ's leg and starts to foam at the mouth.)

 

OMJ: Wow! That is disgusting! I love it!

 

(MCJ shakes his leg until JCM comes off, and then he takes out a bazooka.)

 

MCJ: Say your prayers!

 

JCM: Where did you get a bazooka from?

 

MCJ: There's a pile of military-grade weapons in the corner of the ring. Didn't you know that?

 

JCM: No!

 

MCJ: Well, sucks for you.

 

(JCM runs away as MCJ points the bazooka at him and shoots out a rocket. JCM ducks, and the rocket hits and kills a portion of the audience.)

 

jjs: He uses run-away-and-duck-like-a-fucking-baby defense! It's super effective!

 

MCJ: I've got more where that came from! (looks behind him) Actually, I've got one more: a sixteenth-century-style musket.

 

(As MCJ pours gunpowder into the musket, carefully places a ball in after it, and tamps them both into the barrel with a ramrod, he doesn't notice JCM charging at him. By the time he looks up, JCM headbutts him the groin.)

 

MCJ: Goddamn it! You fucking shit!

 

CNF1: (in the audience) Wait a minute. JCM doesn't swear!

 

CowBob: (in the audience) Yeah, he is an imposter!

 

MCJ: Uh...it slipped?

 

(Somebody throws a rotten egg at MCJ.)

 

MCJ: Wow, that's mature!

 

OMJ: It seems that the fake JCM has been exposed, rendering this entire match useless.

 

(The audience groans.)

 

Audience member 1: I paid to see somebody die!

 

Audience member 2: Yeah!

 

OMJ: Well, I guess a deal's a deal. Jjs, are you ready to give the audience what they're asking for?

 

jjs: You bet!

 

(OMJ and jjs shake hands.)

 

OMJ: May the best man win.

 

jjs: More like...

 

(jjs shivs OMJ in the neck with his free hand.)

 

jjs: May the best kid win! Because my name used to be jjsthekid! Which is something we never really touched upon!

 

(As MCJ pulls himself over the rope, JCM follows him.)

 

JCM: I don't get it. Why did you impersonate me?

 

MCJ: Because you have everything I could ever want.

 

(JCM and MCJ step over OMJ, who's bleeding to death on the carpet.)

 

MCJ: You have a job, you get to see that beautiful CowBob RanchPants every day, and even though he would never admit it, dad always liked you more.

 

Audience member 1: What the fuck is this Freudian shit about?

 

Audience member 2: This used to be funny, and now it's a serious romatic snoozefest! I officially hate this forever!

 

jjs: (rolls eyes) That's the last time I invite people from Toonzone University.

 

JCM: MCJ, you don't have to be jealous of me. Just be yourself, and everything will work out. It did for me.

 

(MCJ sees CowBob in the audience, and he sighs.)

 

MCJ: You're right.

 

(MCJ rips JCM's goatee off and puts it on his own face.)

 

JCM: Ow! What did you glue that to my face with? Cement?

 

(MCJ goes into the audience and approaches CowBob.)

 

MCJ: Listen, I understand if you're mad at me...

 

CowBob: For what? Lying to me? Manipulating my feelings?

 

MCJ: Yeah, those things, but

 

CowBob: Do you even like Kappa Mikey?

 

MCJ: Of course I like Camper Mockee. Wait...

 

CowBob: Just don't talk to me anymore.

 

(Jjs is in front of the ring talking to JCM.)

 

Jjs: So, since I'm Deathmatch's only host now, I've been thinking of making a couple of changes. For one thing, why does it always have to be you in a cameo? We should have Tommy Wiseau make cameos from now on!

 

JCM: (barely paying attention) Yeah, yeah, that sounds perfect.

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Questions Authority

 

(JCM walks into Aquatic Nuggets' office wearing a tank top.)

AN: What the fuck are you wearing?

JCM: They call it a "wife beater" where I'm from. I don't know why, since beating your wife hasn't been popular since the 60's.

AN: Don't you know that sleeveless shirts are against the dress code?

JCM: But it gets hot in the janitor's room! You wouldn't want widdle ol' me to get heatstroke, would you? (does puppy dog eyes)

AN: One can dream. (throws JCM a jacket) Wear this for the rest of the day.

JCM: This is unconstitutional!

AN: What part of the constitution says that I can't choose what you wear?

JCM: The Second Amendment: right to bare arms? It's first grade!

AN: Sorry, but the only way you're getting out of this is if, somehow, you become overlord and exempt yourself from the rules.

JCM: That's a great idea!

(JCM runs out of the office and summons the Grim Reaper.)

Grim Reaper: What do you want? I was taking my beauty nap!

JCM: Can you make me an overlord?

Grim Reaper: Even if I wanted to do that, I don't have the capability. The only way to become overlord is by winning the Overlord for a Day contest down by the spring.

JCM: Thanks!

(JCM leaves the school and goes to the spring, where the Evil Underlord and a group of spectators are gathered.)

Evil Underlord: Come one, come all! Guess how many souls are in this jar... (takes out a jar) And if you get the number right, you'll be overlord for a day! Isn't that fun?

(JCM raises his hand.)

Evil Underlord: You in the back! Do you know how many souls are in this jar?

JCM: Eleventy gazillion?

Evil Underlord: That's...not even a real number.

(OddSpongeFan, who's right in front of JCM, raises his hand.)

Evil Underlord: You!

OSF: 666?

Evil Underlord: That's right! Congratulations! You're now overlord for the day!

OSF: Awesome!

JCM: No!

Evil Underlord: Remember to tell your friends about how great the underworld is! See you all soon!

(The Evil Underlord vanishes.)

JCM: Hey, OSF, do you think you can use your overlord powers to get rid of the school's dress code?

OSF: No, thank you.

JCM: Come on, man! Help a brother out!

OSF: You annoy me. From now on, your name will be Buttlicker.

Buttlicker: No, it wo- awww.

(Buttlicker walks back to the SpongeBob Community School, which has been renamed Phineas Falls.)

Buttlicker: This will be a long day.

(Buttlicker watches Patty Sponge paint Phineas and Ferb and Gravity Falls imagery on the walls. When he returns to the school the next morning, there are also signs on the wall saying "OddSpongeFan Is Watching You". He notices teenj12 looking around.)

teenj: This is crazy! It's literally Orwellian!

Buttlicker: Shh! If someone hears that, you could get sent to the Mystery Shack of Love!

teenj: Mystery Shack of Love? That doesn't sound so bad.

OSF: (through the PA system) teenj, please report to the Mystery Shack of Love.

(A pair of officers grab teenj12 and drag him into what was once Study Hall. After a few seconds, screaming is heard.)

Buttlicker: teenj!

(teenj12 comes out of Study Hall with a blank stare.)

teenj: OddSpongeFan is great. OddSpongeFan is good.

OSF: (through the PA system) Buttlicker, can I see you in my office?

Buttlicker: Oh, no!

(A pair of officers grab Buttlicker and throw him into what used to be Aquatic Nuggets' office.)

OSF: I feel that I've been a bit too hard on you. For that reason, I'm giving you your old name back.

JCM: Really?

OSF: Yes, and as a bonus, I'm letting you circumvent the dress code.

(JCM takes off his shirt to reveal a tank top underneath.)

JCM: Woo-hoo! You're my favorite overlord, OSF!

OSF: I'm the only overlord.

JCM: That's even better! I hope your reign never ends.

(Aquatic Nuggets walks into the office.)

AN: Actually... (points at his watch) It just has. Now, take that Phineas Falls and propaganda shit down and give teenj his goddamn brain back.

OSF: Yes, sir.

(OSF leaves.)

JCM: And let me guess..."JCM, put your shirt on"?

AN: (sighs) While I was out of power, I spent a lot of time in that janitor's room, and you were right. It's hot as fuck. You can wear the wife beater, despite its unfortunate name.

JCM: Yay! This is a victory for wife beaters everywhere!

AN: Please don't say that.

(The End)

[SpongeOddFan]

this is amazing, JCM

[JCM]

JCM Jeopardizes Jjs's Job (aka Alliterations Are Awesome!)

 

(ssj walks into jjstheviceprincipal's office.)

 

jjs: Ssj? What are you doing here?

 

ssj: There's an English teacher opening at SBM, and I know that you used to teach English yourself, so I was wondering if you were interested.

 

jjs: Why would I leave my high-ranking position at this school to take a low-ranking position at yours?

 

ssj: For one, you'll get paid more as a teacher at our school than you get paid as a vice principal here. Also, we'll finally get to work together as brothers. Don't you want that?

 

jjs: No, not really.

 

ssj: Come on. You know I'm not one to beg.

 

(JCM walks in.)

 

JCM: jjs! How long have you had an office?

 

jjs: I've had it for five years! You walked past here every day while you were a student!

 

JCM: Nope, doesn't ring a bell. Anyway, is jeopardy still happening tomorrow?

 

jjs: Yes.

 

ssj: You host a jeopardy game?

 

JCM: Of course he does! (whispering to jjs) Is that guy oblivious or what?

 

ssj: As your brother, I really should know more about these things.

 

JCM: OH MY GOSH YOU TWO ARE BROTHERS?

 

ssj: Which is why it's imperative that you and I work together. How about we do a jeopardy game over it?

 

jjs: Huh?

 

ssj: If I win the game, you come work with us at the middle school. If you win, I won't bother you about it anymore.

 

jjs: No way!

 

JCM: Yeah! How about if jjs wins, you have to come work for our school?

 

ssj: You've got a deal!

 

jjs: Wait, what?

 

ssj: We'll go over the details after school. See you then!

 

(ssj leaves.)

 

jjs: What the fuck did you just do, you fucking idiot?

 

JCM: I gave you an opportunity to embarrass your brother! You're welcome, by the way!

 

jjs: Goddamnit, JCM! What if he wins?

 

JCM: Don't worry! He won't.

 

(The next day, jjs is in the auditorium with Trophy.)

 

jjs: You ready to do this?

 

Trophy: I was born ready! (looks at his phone) IRS? Shit, I need to take this.

 

(Trophy walks out of the auditorium as JCM walks in.)

 

JCM: You needed me, vice principal?

 

jjs: Yeah, freshen this place up before the big game tonight.

 

JCM: (salutes) Yes, sir!

 

(JCM takes out a mop and starts mopping the floor.)

 

JCM: Wait, I forgot my Walkman!

 

jjs: People still use Walkmen?

 

(JCM runs out of the auditorium as Trophy walks in.)

 

Trophy: (on the phone) How was I supposed to know blowjobs aren't tax-deductible?

 

(Suddenly, Trophy slips and shatters into many pieces.)

 

Trophy: That's gonna hurt in the morning.

 

jjs: No! Fuck! Trophy!

 

(JCM walks back in with his Walkman.)

 

jjs: Why didn't you put a "Wet Floor" sign here?

 

JCM: We have wet floor signs?

 

jjs: Damn it! Trophy was our star player! How will I replace him on such short notice?

 

JCM: Don't worry! I'll replace him!

 

jjs: No way! You're the worst jeopardy player ever!

 

JCM: Oh, come on! How good can ssj's people be?

 

(Later that night, jjs, JCM, and CNF watch as ssj and two small boys with large glasses take their spots.)

 

ssj: Hello. Have you guys met Poindexter and Brainstein?

 

Poindexter: Hello.

 

Brainstein: We will kick your respective asses.

 

ssj: Brainstein! Just because your profanity is uncensored doesn't mean you should use it!

 

Brainstein: Sorry. We will kick your respective posteriors.

 

jjs: Delightful.

 

ssj: As we agreed upon, brother, since you got to choose the venue, I get to choose the host. TV's Alex Trebek, come on out!

 

(TV's Alex Trebek appears from behind a curtain.)

 

Alex Trebek: Hello! I'm TV's Alex Trebek, and this is a special edition of SpongeBob Jeopardy, determining whether or not jjstheviceprincipal returns to being jjstheenglishprofessor.

 

JCM: Oh, my gosh! We haven't had a celebrity visit for almost a week now! I'm so excited!

 

(Alex Trebek pulls down a projector screen and projects a jeopardy board on it.)

 

Alex Trebek: jjs' team picks first.

 

jjs: SpongeBob History for 100.

 

Alex Trebek: (reading a notecard) SpongeBob SquarePants premiered in this year.

 

CNF: (hits buzzer) What is 1999?

 

Alex Trebek: Correct! jjs' team gets 100 points and gets to choose the next answer.

 

jjs: We might actually win this! (to Trebek) History 200.

 

Alex Trebek: SpongeBob SquarePants is based on the science of marine biology, which was founded by this British naturalist in the 19th century.

 

CNF: (hits buzzer) What...the fuck kind of 200 is that?

 

Alex Trebek: Wrong!

 

Poindexter: Who is Edward Forbes?

 

Alex Trebek: Right! ssj's team has control of the board!

 

ssj: Places 300.

 

Alex Trebek: SpongeBob takes place on Bikini Atoll, which is known for being the site of how many nuclear explosions by the US?

 

JCM: (hits buzzer) What is trick question?

 

Alex Trebek: What make you think that this is a trick question?

 

JCM: Because pie!

 

Brainstein: (hits buzzer) What is 23?

 

Alex Trebek: That is correct!

 

(50 minutes later, ssj's team has 12,000 points, and jjs' team has 200.)

 

JCM: We can still come back!

 

Poindexter: No, you can't. There is a 0.00000000000000000000000000000000001% chance of you coming back, and that's rounded up.

 

jjs: Yeah, we get it. You're a nerd.

 

Alex Trebek: There's only one question left, and it's a daily double! Since ssj's team has control of the board, only they can answer it. How much do you wager?

 

Poindexter: We wager all!

 

Brainstein: Poindexter, are you sure about this?

 

Poindexter: I've never been more sure! Bring it on!

 

Alex Trebek: For 12,000: Name every Season 9 writer so far.

 

Poindexter: That's easy! The Season 9 writers are Luke Brookshier, Marc Ceccarelli, Derek Iversen, Casey Alexander, Zeus Cervas, Mr. Lawrence, Blake Lemons, and Andrew Goodman.

 

Alex Trebek: I'm sorry, but you didn't format your response as a question.

 

Poindexter: WHAT?

 

Brainstein: Fuck you, TV's Alex Trebek!

 

ssj: Brainstein, Poindexter, when we get back to the school, you two are taking a very long timeout.

 

Alex Trebek: It's time for Final Jeopardy! Write down your wagers, and I'll give you the clue after this commercial break. (pauses) Oh, we aren't doing that? Okay. A recently discovered species of mushroom was given this SpongeBob-inspired name.

 

(ssj raises a poster board with the words "What is Spongiforma squarepantsii?" on it. jjs raises a poster board with the words "Who gives a shit? We won already" on it.)

 

Alex Trebek: ssj's team wagered one by default, and jjs's team also wagered one, so jjs's team wins! Woooo. (walks away) I'm getting a smoke.

 

JCM: So, am I still an idiot for making this jeopardy game happen, jjs?

 

jjs: Yes, but you're a lucky idiot, JCM. A very lucky idiot.

 

JCM: I'll take it!

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Assists in the Creation of a Mangster

 

(JCM walks into Wumbo's room, which is now black and white.)

 

JCM: What happened to the color?

 

Wumbo: It's my newest invention: the monochrominator! It renders everything in black and white.

 

JCM: I love it!

 

Wumbo: That's not all. I figured out a way to...

 

(Wumbo motions for JCM to come closer, and he does.)

 

Wumbo: (whispers) Resurrect the dead.

 

(Lightning flashes through a window, and the sound of thunder echoes through the room.)

 

JCM: I'm sorry. Did you just say "resurrect the dead"?

 

Wumbo: Yeah, dawg! It'll be awesome! And I want you to be my assistant.

 

JCM: Ooh, I love assisting people! But then again, tampering with the deceased is kind of immoral...

 

Wumbo: Come on! (holds up a badge) I'll give you an official lab assistant badge!

 

JCM: (takes the badge) I'm in!

 

Wumbo: Great! Here is my subject.

 

(Wumbo pulls a cloth off a table, revealing the body of Old Man Jenkins underneath.)

 

Wumbo: He died during one of my experiments, and I felt bad about it, so I decided to bring him back to life. However, I'll need to perform a little surgery before I'm able to do so, and I'd like you to help me.

 

JCM: You've got it!

 

Wumbo: Great. I have some surgical devices lined out on that table over there. Give them to me as I ask for them.

 

(Wumbo unbuttons OMJ's shirt and inspects his chest closely.)

 

Wumbo: Scalpel.

 

JCM: What's a scalpel?

 

Wumbo: It's the knifey-looking thing.

 

JCM: One knifey-looking coming up! (gives Wumbo the scalpel)

 

(Wumbo cuts into OMJ's chest and does sciencey things in it.)

 

Wumbo: Needle.

 

JCM: That is neat-o!

 

Wumbo: No, give me a fucking needle!

 

JCM: Oh! Sorry.

 

(Wumbo stitches OMJ's chest back together and connects it to a machine.)

 

Wumbo: Wipe.

 

(JCM, who has just finished a sloppy joe, is using a wipe to clean his mouth.)

 

JCM: Oh, that was for you?

 

Wumbo: Goddamn it, JCM! Why did you bring a sandwich in here?

 

JCM: I was hungry!

 

(Wumbo rolls his eyes and wipes his hands on the tablecloth.)

 

Wumbo: Now, I've attached a lightning rod to the roof that will conduct the lightning from this storm and send it to my machine, which will then harvest its energy to revive OMJ.

 

JCM: Yeah! Whatever that means!

 

Wumbo: Brace yourself!

 

(Wumbo covers his ears as lightning strikes the rod on the roof and sends a bolt though the machine. OMJ jumps off the table.)

 

Wumbo: He's alive! I've done it!

 

Old Man Jenkinstein: G-goddamn hero! Goddamn hero! Walking Dead! Wrestling!

 

Wumbo: OMJ, what is my name?

 

Old Man Jenkinstein: W-wrestling?

 

Wumbo: Close enough! Nobel Prize, here I come!

 

(Old Man Jenkinstein jumps out of a window.)

 

Wumbo: Oh, no! He's not ready for the outside world yet! We have to go after him!

 

JCM: We? You created him!

 

Wumbo: Yeah, but you helped!

 

JCM: Oh, all right. But you'll owe me another badge after this.

 

(WWESpongefan is walking down the street with her boyfriend.)

 

WWESpongefan: Hey, you wanna watch wrestling?

 

Boyfriend: Nah, wrestling sucks.

 

(Suddenly, they both hear a noise.)

 

WWESpongefan: What was that?

 

(WWESpongefan turns around and sees a squirrel nibbling on an acorn.)

 

Boyfriend: (laughs) Were you scared?

 

WWESpongefan: No!

 

Boyfriend: Don't worry. I'll protect you from all those evil, dangerous squirrels.

 

(Old Man Jenkinstein jumps out the bushes and rips the boyfriend's right arm off.)

 

OMJ: Goddamn hero!

 

Boyfriend: Aw...that was my favorite arm.

 

(The boyfriend faints, and Old Man Jenkinstein runs away.)

 

WWESpongefan: Oh, my God! Is there a doctor in the house?

 

Voice: Even better! There's a scientist!

 

(Wumbo and JCM run up to WWESpongefan and her bleeding boyfriend.)

 

Wumbo: Did you see where that pale imitation of OMJ went?

 

WWESpongefan: No, I was to busy being terrified!

 

Wumbo: Shit.

 

WWESpongefan: Is there something you can do?

 

Wumbo: (feels the boyfriend's pulse) Nah, he's dead.

 

(WWESpongefan cries.)

 

JCM: Don't worry! There's plenty of fish in the sea!

 

Wumbo: JCM, we have to catch our creation before it kills again.

 

JCM: But it could be anywhere!

 

(A shriek is heard in the distance.)

 

Wumbo: That narrowed it down.

 

(Wumbo and JCM run in the direction of the shriek and find a man ripped in two.)

 

JCM: We're too late again! How will we ever stop OMJ?

 

Wumbo: (thinks) I've got it! Why chase after OMJ when we can make OMJ come to us?

 

JCM: How will we do that?

 

Wumbo: Wrestling is fake! Wrestling is awful! Wrestling is dumb!

 

JCM: Huh?

 

Wumbo: (whispers) Do it with me.

 

JCM: Okay! Wrestling is poopy!

 

Wumbo: Nobody likes wrestling!

 

JCM: Wrestling? More like give-it-a-rest-ling!

 

(Old Man Jenkinstein jumps out the bushes and strangles JCM.)

 

JCM: Ack! I take it back! I love wrestling!

 

(Wumbo shoots a tranquilizer dart into Old Man Jenkinstein's neck, causing him to let go of JCM and pass out.)

 

JCM: (coughs) Well, that wasn't fun.

 

Wumbo: I guess you were right. The dead ought to stay dead.

 

JCM: I was right about something? Wow, that never happens!

 

Wumbo: Come on. Let's drag this body back to the school.

 

JCM: Where I'll get my second badge?

 

Wumbo: (chuckles) Where you'll get your second badge.

 

JCM: Hooray!

 

(Wumbo and JCM walk back to the school with OMJ's body, passing the body of WWESpongefan's boyfriend on the way there.)

 

Boyfriend: (opens his eyes) Wreeestliiing.

 

(The End?)

[JCM]

JCM Needs Anger Management

 

(Aquatic Nuggets walks into the staff lounge and sees that it's a mess.)

 

AN: What the fuck?

 

(JCM crawls out from under a table.)

 

JCM: Principal Nuggets, I can explain!

 

AN: Explain away!

 

JCM: One second I'm drinking coffee, and the next, I'm going on a rampage! I don't know what came over me.

 

(Aquatic Nuggets notices a broken coffee mug next to the wall and runs to it.)

 

AN: No! Not my "World's Best Lay" coffee mug! My ex-girlfriend gave this to me! As well as herpes! What were you doing with it?

 

JCM: Herpes?

 

AN: No, the mug!

 

JCM: I got it mixed up with the "World's Best Lad" coffee mug one of the guys from the Pirate Bay gave to me.

 

AN: Alright. Just clean up this mess or you're fired, okay? Shit, I'm sounding like Benson.

 

(Aquatic Nuggets leaves.)

 

JCM: I better figure out what's wrong with me when I'm done with this.

 

(After JCM cleans up the staff lounge, he walks to SpongeSebastian's office.)

 

SpongeSebastian: tell me what's wrong.

 

JCM: There's nothing wrong with me! What makes you think there's something wrong with me?

 

(JCM flips over SpongeSebastian's desk.)

 

SpongeSebastian: well, that's new.

 

(SpongeSebastian takes a business card out of his pocket.)

 

SpongeSebastian: this guy specializes in anger management. talk to him, instead.

 

JCM: Thanks, but I won't!

 

(JCM takes the business card and stomps out of the office.)

 

SpongeSebastian: fucking millenial generation.

 

(JCM rides his scooter to a suburban house a few miles away. When he walks in, he sees a group convened in the middle of the living room.)

 

JCM: Knock knock.

 

Therapist: Hello! I'm Charlie Sheen, I mean Charlie Harper, I mean Charlie Goodson! What brings you here?

 

JCM: I have anger that needs managing.

 

Patrick: You and the rest of the world, honey.

 

(Canned laughter is heard.)

 

JCM: (looks around) Am I the only one who hears that?

 

Patrick: I'm Patrick, no relationship to the starfish. I'm the stereotypical gay guy.

 

Lacey: I'm Lacey, the stereotypical crazy bitch.

 

Ed: I'm Ed, the stereotypical Southern redneck.

 

: And I'm everybody's favorite user, the very hot tempered person.

 

Charlie: How about you introduce yourself, little fat boy?

 

JCM: Aren't you supposed to make people feel good about themselves?

 

Charlie: And risk curing them? Fuck no! That's bad business.

 

(The rest of the group stares at Charlie.)

 

Charlie: I mean...how about that World Series?

 

(Canned laughter is heard again.)

 

JCM: Um...I'm JCM. I'm a janitor, and...

 

Charlie: I asked for an introduction, not your life story!

 

(More canned laughter.)

 

JCM: Okay, can somebody shut that off? That's getting really distracting!

 

Charlie: Shut what off? Are you hearing things?

 

Lacey: And I thought I was a lunatic!

 

(More canned laughter.)

 

JCM: Seriously, what kind of black magic is that?

 

Ed: This is the part where I say something racist.

 

: All of you, SHUT UP AND LET THE LITTLE FAT BOY SPEAK!

 

JCM: Uh...thank you, whoever you are. It's just that I've been blowing up a lot ever since I found out that our cafeteria lady is dating Johnny Depp.

 

Charlie: Mm-hmm. Would it be possible that your anger is coming from the fact that he got to the cafeteria lady before you did?

 

JCM: What? No. Maybe. Yes! (cries) Yes! It's all true!

 

Charlie: (pats JCM on the back) There, there. Not all of us can get every girl. That's why guys who can, like me, are very special.

 

(More canned laughter.)

 

JCM: Wow. I'm actually feeling better now that I've let everything out. Thanks, Charlie.

 

Charlie: You're welcome. That'll be a million bucks an episode.

 

JCM: Charlie!

 

(The canned laughter turns into applause.)

 

: This episode gets a 10/10.

 

(The End)

[Clappy]

Been meaning to distribute my likes for this recently.  Love the new installment the most out of the others so far, but this has not stopped being hilarious.

[JCM]

JCM Yodelayheehoos

 

(JCM is dragging a trash bag to the dumpster when the bag rips, spilling trash onto the ground.)

 

JCM: Not again!

 

(JCM notices a flyer for the school talent show among the trash.)

 

JCM: SBC's Got Talent! I remember that! Ooh, and auditions are today!

 

(JCM skips over the pile of trash and continues skipping into the school. He passes PatBack, who is walking in the opposite direction.)

 

PatBack: I didn't realize it was happy hopping moron day! (nose contracts and expands as he laughs)

 

(PatBack slips on a banana peel and falls into the pile of trash.)

 

PatBack: (muffled) How vaudevillian!

 

(CowBob RanchPants, Steel Sponge, and Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick are sitting behind a desk in CowBob's art class.)

 

Steel Sponge: Man, this place brings back memories. Feels like it was just 4 months, 25 days, and an hour ago that I was teaching art here.

 

CowBob: Are you...counting?

 

Steel Sponge: No! I said "feels like", didn't I?

 

hilaryfan80: Will you two just fuck and get it over with?

 

(CDCB walks in.)

 

CDCB: Steel! Long time no see!

 

Steel Sponge: Not long enough.

 

CDCB: Oh, you card! For my audition, I'm going to tell a joke!

 

hilaryfan80: Oh, God...

 

CDCB: How many hookers does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

 

CowBob: (sighs) How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

CDCB: None! A lightbulb would too small for the hookers to screw in!

 

CowBob: Well...that's about as good as I expected.

 

CDCB: So I'm in?

 

CowBob, hilaryfan80, and Steel Sponge: No.

 

CDCB: Rats!

 

(CDCB walks out, and JCM skips in a few seconds later.)

CowBob: What will you do for your audition?

 

JCM: Yodel!

 

(JCM yodels.)

 

hilaryfan80: (covers his ears) Stop! That is the worst thing I ever heard!

 

CowBob: Actually, I like it.

 

Steel Sponge: So do I! Congratulations, uh, JCM, is it?

 

JCM: That's the name on the back of my underpants!

 

Steel Sponge: (covers his ears) TMI! You're in the talent show! Now leave!

 

JCM: Yay! (skips out)

 

(The next day, JCM walks into the auditorium, where there's a large crowd watching E.V.I.L rap Big Sean's "Ass" on the stage.)

 

JCM: Oh, man! This'll be hard to top! I better yodel like I've never yodeled before!

 

(After E.V.I.L finishes the rap, CowBob replaces him on stage.)

 

CowBob: And now...JCM.

 

(JCM replaces CowBob on stage, and then he clears his throat.)

 

JCM: I call this yodel...Life Itself.

 

(JCM yodels for an hour, and when he stops, he realizes that everyone's asleep.)

 

JCM: Hello?

 

CowBob: (wakes up) Brava! Brava!

 

(CowBob nudges hilaryfan80 and Steel Sponge at the judges' table, waking both of them up.)

 

Steel Sponge: Well, that was interesting.

 

hilaryfan80: Yeah. (yawns) I really underestimated you there, sport.

 

JCM: Does that mean I win?

 

CowBob: Well, it's between you and Big Sean, so

 

(Suddenly, a trash-covered Patback stumbles onto the stage and jumps around.)

 

Patback: Somebody get this shit off me!

 

hilaryfan80: Wow! The dancing! The weird, smelly costume! I've never seen anything like it before!

 

Steel Sponge: I think we all know who the winner of this talent show is.

 

(CowBob walks onto the stage and gives Patback a badge.)

 

CowBob: Your expressionist performance inspires all of us.

 

Patback: What the fuck are you people talking about? I have garbage stuck to my skin that won't come off! I don't care about prizes! (throws the badge on the stage)

 

hilaryfan80: (sniffs) Such a humble fellow.

 

JCM: Well, I guess there's always next year.

 

(The End)

[Old Man Jenkins]

A delicious break from potatoes

[JCM]

JCM's Very Hairy Christmas
 
Narrator: 'Twas the day before the night before the day before the night before Christmas break
And all through SBC
Students and teachers were stirring
In anticipation of the night before Christmas break eve
 
(JCM is eating in the cafeteria when he notices MCJ sneaking out of the kitchen.)
 
JCM: MCJ!
 
MCJ: God damnit.
 
JCM: What are you doing here?
 
MCJ: I got a job working with Sauce.
 
JCM: You're a lunch lady?
 
MCJ: Don't call me that! I'm a lunch man, foo!
 
JCM: Sorry.
 
MCJ: (sighs) It's alright. I just hate that this is the only job I could get. Seeing Miss RanchPants every day used to sound like heaven, but now that she hates me, it's a living hell.
 
JCM: I know how you feel. Dropping the ball on your co-worker is something I never thought I'd get over, but with this... (takes out a bottle) I'll be able to.
 
MCJ: What is that?
 
JCM: It's a hair growth solution that I'm testing out for Wumbo. Once I have my full head of hair, Sauce be nothing more than a distant memory, not only because I'll be attracting all the ladies, but because one of the side effects of this thing is memory loss.
 
MCJ: Wow! I haven't been able to grow hair in decades!
 
JCM: What about your goatee?
 
MCJ: (points to goatee) Oh, this? It's just my pubic hair.
 
JCM: That's disgusting and disturbing! Want some?
 
MCJ: No way! That shit has your backwash in it! I ain't about to catch ebola!
 
JCM: You know you want to.
 
MCJ: You're right. (grabs the bottle)
 
JCM: Wait!
 
(MCJ pours the entire bottle in his mouth.)
 
JCM: We're only supposed to drink an ounce of that.
 
MCJ: What's the worst that can happen? Will I get twice as much pussy?
 
JCM: I don't know what cats have to do with this, but all right.
 
Aquatic Nuggets: (over PM) This is just a reminder that Secret Santa gifts are due today. Please bring your gift to the main office with your name and the name of the recipient attatched. The gifts will be distributed tomorrow morning.
 
MCJ: Well, it's been good seeing you, JCM, and I can't believe I said that. Goodbye.
 
JCM: Goodbye!
 
(MCJ gives JCM the empty bottle back and walks off. JCM looks at his reflection in the bottle.)
 
JCM: Hey, I'm already starting to grow a bit of hair! But why is it green?
 
(Later that day, MCJ is playing video games at his house when he notices patches of green hair growing on his palms.)
 
MCJ: What the fuck?
 
(MCJ goes to bed that night completely covered in green hair. His dad walks into his room.)
 
Dad: Listen, boy, even though you're a furry green monster now, I want you to know that I still love you.
 
MCJ: Really?
 
Dad: Yeah, and I hope you don't mind that I signed you up to play Oscar the Grouch in my nephew's Christmas pageant.
 
(Before MCJ can reply, his dad leaves the room.)
 
MCJ: (sighs) What a shitty night before Christmas break eve.
 
Narrator: And then MCJ got an idea...an awful idea...no, that's it. It was an awful idea.
 
MCJ: If I can't be happy this holiday season, then nobody can!
 
(MCJ grabs a bag and jumps out the window. He then runs to the SpongeBob Community School and breaks into the main office. He sees a pile of gifts, and he starts putting the gifts into his bag.)
 
Narrator: (singing to the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch")
You're an asshole, MCJ
You're a douchey piece of shit
You're an ugly motherfucker
You can suck my dirty tits, you fucking pri-ick
I wouldn't bone you if you were the last living thing aliiiive
 
(When MCJ is finished stealing the presents, he takes the now-heavy bag back with him to his room. He takes out a pair of binoculars and looks at the school through his window.)
 
MCJ: Oh, man! I'm so excited, I could stay up all night long!
 
(MCJ falls asleep five minutes later, and when he awakens, he peers through the binoculars to find the students and teachers, including a green-haired JCM, holding hands around a Christmas tree and singing.)
 
Narrator: Though MCJ robbed them of their games,
Electronics, and season DVDs of CatDog
The students and teachers didn't notice
Because they were all too drunk on eggnog
 
MCJ: I can't believe this. If stealing people's shit doesn't rile them up, what does?
 
(MCJ goes to the school, drinks a pitcher of eggnog, and joins in the holding hands and singing.)
 
JCM: Hey, MCJ, do you know what happened to the Secret Santa presents?
 
MCJ: No, but I'm apparently playing Oscar the Grouch in our cousin's play.
 
JCM: Cool!
 
Narrator: The End.

[JCM]

JCM Manscapes His Head

 

(MCJ is in the kitchen cleaning dishes when Sauce Mama walks in.)

 

Sauce: Hi, MCJ! Uh...why are you covered in that green stuff?

 

MCJ: It's a long story.

 

Sauce: Okaaay. Well, I just stopped by because I have a confession: I haven't been entirely truthful to you.

 

MCJ: Wait, so what you serve is real meat?

 

Sauce: No, that's fake as shit. What I haven't entirely been truthful about is my reason for hiring you. I didn't tell you right away, because I didn't want you to feel pressured, but the reason I hired you wasn't just so you could help me serve not-meat. I hired you so you could replace me.

 

MCJ: What? Replace you?

 

Sauce: That's what I said. You see, a few days ago, Johnny Depp told me that he was returning to California, and that he wanted me to come with him. I accepted.

 

MCJ: You accepted?

 

Sauce: Why do you keep repeating the stuff I say?

 

MCJ: Why did you accept? Aren't you happy here?

 

Sauce: Yeah, but I've always dreamed of going to Hollywood and becoming an actress, and now that dream is finally within my reach. I couldn't turn down Johnny's offer, no matter how much I love it here.

 

MCJ: But there are people here who love you, like, not me, but...

 

Sauce: Like your brother?

 

MCJ: (gasps) You know?

 

Sauce: Yeah, I've known for a while.

 

MCJ: Why didn't you say something to him?

 

Sauce: I guess I was mad that he wasn't honest about his feelings for me. But... (sighs) it doesn't matter anymore.

 

MCJ: Yes, it does! You can tell him you know before you leave! You have to!

 

(JCM barges into the kitchen.)

 

JCM: I finally found someone who can get rid of our hair!

 

MCJ: (looks at Sauce) Oh, you did?

 

JCM: Yeah, come on!

 

(JCM grabs MCJ's arm and runs out the kichen with him.)

 

MCJ: Wait, I think Sauce has something to tell you.

 

JCM: That can wait! I've tried cutting my hair with scissors and knives, but to no avail! This manscaper is just what we need!

 

(JCM and MCJ continue running until they reach a hair salon a few blocks away from the school. Patty Sponge, the owner of the hair salon, greets them at the door.)

 

Patty: Blimey! I knew you blokes were having bad hair days, but is something different!

 

MCJ: (sarcastic) Yay, another Brit.

 

JCM: Can you fix us?

 

Patty: Hell yeah, I can fix you! (takes out an electric razor) Manscaping is an art, and this razor is the tool I use to create my art. Keep still.

 

(Patty touches JCM's hair with the razor, and the razor explodes.)

 

Patty Sponge: Never mind that. I've got something better.

 

(Patty takes out a chainsaw and tries to cut JCM's hair with it, but the teeth of the chainsaw break off, flying everywhere and stabbing some of the customers.)

 

Patty: Sorry about that! Blast, your hair's tough. But I've still got one trick up my sleeve.

 

(Patty takes JCM and MCJ to another room, where there is a pool so hot that the water in it is boiling.)

 

JCM: Ooh, a hot tub! Geronimooo!

 

(JCM jumps into the pool then immediately jumps out with his hair and clothes burned off.)

 

Patty: Success!

 

JCM: I can't feel my fingers, or my toes, or anything.

 

Patty: You next!

 

MCJ: No way! I'd rather be a hairy freak than go into that thi-

 

(Patty throws MCJ into the pool, and after MCJ jumps out with his hair and clothes also burned off, he strangles Patty.)

 

Patty: (choking) Come...back...again.

 

(JCM and MCJ walk out of the room in towels. The customers stare at them.)

 

MCJ: Who the fuck are y'all looking at?

 

(The customers look away as JCM and MCJ walk out of the hair salon.)

 

JCM: So, did you say that Sauce had something to tell me?

 

MCJ: Yeah. (looks at watch) Oh, fuck! Her shift is up!

 

(MCJ grabs JCM's arm and runs back to the school. He looks in the kitchen to find it empty.)

 

MCJ: Damn it!

 

JCM: Don't worry. She'll be back after break.

 

MCJ: No, she won't, JCM! I hate that you're hearing this from me, but Johnny Depp is going back to Hollywood, and she's going with him.

 

JCM: What? She's running off with the same guy who played Beetlejuice and the Cat in the Hat?

 

MCJ: Depp played neither of those characters.

 

JCM: Oh, I should have told her how I feel about her when I had the chance! Now I never will.

 

(Sauce, who was cleaning the floor behind the counter, stands up to reveal herself.) 

 

JCM: Sauce! You're back!

 

(JCM jumps over the counter and hugs Sauce.)

 

Sauce: I...never left. Why aren't you two wearing any clothes?

 

JCM: Oh, tell me it isn't true! Tell me you're not leaving with the Riddler!

 

MCJ: Who Depp also didn't play.

 

Sauce: I'm sorry, but it is true. I'm leaving.

 

JCM: But we'll miss you. Especially me. I...care about you.

 

(Sauce puts a hand on JCM's shoulder, causing him to flinch.)

 

Sauce: If you truly care about me, you'll be willing to let me go. And put on some damn clothes.

 

JCM: I'll put on some clothes if you just stay! Or if the temperature gets any lower. Whichever comes first.

 

Sauce: Goodbye, JCM.

 

(Sauce walks out of the cafeteria.)

 

JCM: I can't believe she's gone forever.

 

MCJ: California's just a couple hours away. I'm sure she'll come back soon to visit.

 

JCM: I can't believe she's gone forever.

 

MCJ: (sighs) On the bright side, at least I have the cafeteria all to myself now.

 

JCM: Oh right, you are the newest lunch lady!

 

MCJ: Lunch ma-oh, forget it!

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Converses With a Former Superhero

(CNF is studying in the cafeteria. JCM joins his table.)

JCM: CNF! I haven't seen you in years!

CNF: You saw me last semester during the jeopardy game.

JCM: Oh, right.

CNF: Anyway, I can't talk now. I'm studying for an art history test tomorrow.

JCM: But we never get to hang out as friends anymore.

CNF: Sorry, but until that test, my only friends will be Michelangelo, Donatello, etc.

JCM: What do ninja turtles have to do with this?

CNF: (sighs) Never mind.

(JCM leaves the cafeteria, and an arm reaches out of a nearby restroom and pulls him in. He gasps at who the arm belongs to.)

JCM: Person?

Person: Are you alone?

JCM: I'm...the only one you pulled into the restroom.

Person: Do you have a wire?

JCM: Why would I have a wire?

Person: Forget it. How's it going?

JCM: Good. I know I haven't seen you in years. Where've you been?

Person: In a mental institution. Can you keep a secret?

JCM: No.

Person: I'll tell you anyway. I'm the masked vigilante Superhero, and I was sent to that mental institution by my arch enemy Clapmaster.

JCM: You mean Clappy?

Person: Yeah, but Clapmaster sounds more sinister. Anyway, I'm here to don the suit again and get my revenge on that villain for the years he took away from me, and I'd love for you to join me as my sidekick! And I've got the perfect name for you, too: Sidekick! Clever, right.

JCM: Man, I've never been a sidekick before, but I'm a mature adult, a working man now. I even change my own diapers. I can't play around anymore.

Person: Play around? I'm defending my honor! If you can't appreciate that, I might have to reconsider being friends with you.

JCM: No! I've already gotten burned once! There's only so much burning I can take in one day!

Person: Glad we see eye to eye.

JCM: We don't.

Person: Here's what we'll do...

(SG walks out of the bathroom stall.)

SG: You do realize you're in the girls' restroom, right?

Person: Of course we do!

SG: So...why are you in here?

Person: Because

(Person grabs JCM and runs out of the restroom.)

JCM: I didn't know we were in a girls' restroom! Why were we in a girls' restroom?

Person: I'm on a quest for revenge! I don't have time to do things like look at signs!

JCM: But now I might have cooties!

Person: Don't worry. Cooties is just what grown-ups call herpes.

JCM: How is that better?

(SG and Clappy walk out of Clappy's room.)

Person: Clapmaster!

JCM: Clappymaster!

Person: Clappy the rap master!

Clappy: Oh, wow. It's the Super Oblivious Bros.

JCM: I'm the Mario of the brothers, right?

Clappy: No, you're both Luigi.

JCM: Awww.

Clappy: Person, I've been looking for you all day. SG came in telling me you were in the girls' restroom? What the fuck was that about?

Person: You try reading signs when you're plotting revenge!

Clappy: I'll take your word for it. Anyway, I'm here to return you to the mental hospital. I got a call from them this morning saying you escaped.

Person: No!

(Person gets behind JCM and puts a knife to his throat.)

Person: Come any closer and his blood's on you! Like, literally, I will spill his fucking blood on you! Don't cross me!

JCM: Person, I thought we were friends!

Person: Sorry, but I'm not going back to the nuthouse. Nothing personal. Really. You're the only guy who ever treated me with the respect I deserved, which is why it'll be even sadder when I SLIT HIS FUCKING THROAT! DON'T CROSS ME!

(Suddenly, CNF appears behind Person and hits him over the head with an art history textbook, causing him to drop the knife and fall to the ground unconscious.)

JCM: CNF! You un-burned me!

CNF: I'm not even going to ask what you mean by that. You okay?

JCM: Yeah, but I didn't know that Person was so crazy.

Clappy: He jumped out of a two-story window, broke a door down, and beat a guy up for jaywalking. Why do you think I sent him to that institution in the first place?

JCM: But I thought Superhero did all that...wait, Person is Superhero! Did you guys know Superhero's secret identity is Person? It's so shocking!

Clappy: No, not really.

CNF: Yeah, I know, and I wasn't even here at the time.

JCM: I just hope he can find some kind of peace where he is going.

Clappy: I'm sure he will, and if not, who cares? Now, if you excuse me, I have to drag Person back to that mental hospital.

(The End)

(...)

(Person is sitting in a padded room somewhere wearing a straightjacket when a nurse opens the door.)

Nurse: You're free to go.

Person: Huh?

(Person walks into a lobby, where he finds ACS and PatBack reading magazines.)

ACS: (looks up) Hello, Person.

Person: Do I know you?

PatBack: No, but we know you, and we think you can help us.

Person: Who are you?

ACS: We are...Team Rage.

PatBack: For the last time, ACS, Team Rage is a stupid fucking name!

ACS: You're a stupid fucking name!

Person: Wait, is this like one of this post-credit Marvel scenes? Are you recruiting me for a ragtag group of superheroes?

PatBack: We're not superheroes, but we're certainly ragtag, united against one thing: SBC. I think you'd fit in well with us.

Person: I would like to get my revenge on that school. What are you planning?

ACS: You'll find out soon, my fair Person. (puts on Groucho glasses) You'll find out soon.

Person: Man, you're creepy.

[JCM]

JCM Helps Resolve a Budget Crisis

(Dylan walks into Aquatic Nuggets' office.)

Dylan: I've found a way to fix our money problems!

AN: How did you know we were having money problems?

Dylan: (nervous) I totally wasn't listening in on your phone conversations! Ha ha ha ha ha!

(There is an awkward pause.)

Dylan: So here's the plan: we merge with the SpongeBob Community College and create a school that's twice as big and charges twice as much tuition!

AN: That's a great idea!

Dylan: And I even know what we'll call it! SpongeBob Universe...ity.

AN: SpongeBob University?

Dylan: Yeah, that!

(JCM runs into the office.)

JCM: Mr. Nuggets, we have a llama infestation! They're spitting everywhere and kicking people in the face!

AN: Yeah, yeah, we'll deal with that later. For now, can you help Dylan organize a merger with the SpongeBob Community College? I remember that you went there.

JCM: You bet I did! Me and the dean are bros!

AN: Great. Leverage that. We need this shit to happen.

JCM: Oh, boy! My two favorite schools coming together! The only way this day could be any better is if it didn't have a llama infestation!

(Llamas are heard stampeding outside the office.)

Dylan: Where the fuck are those things even coming from?

(JCM and Dylan walk out of the office then leave the school.)

Dylan: (walking) You know who I've always wanted to be, JCM?

JCM: (walking) Bob Marley?

Dylan: What? No! What? I've always wanted to be that guy from The Social Network who says the only thing cooler than a million dollars is a billion dollars! He knew how to think big, and that's what I want to do. We shouldn't just be a SpongeBob school, man. We should be the SpongeBob school. You get what I'm saying?

JCM: No.

Dylan: (stops) All right. Well, we're here. Try not to fuck anything up.

JCM: (salutes) You've got it!

Dylan: (rolls eyes) You don't need to salute me anymore. I'm not the principal.

JCM: Sorry. Force of habit.

(JCM and Dylan enter the SpongeBob Community College. A woman with a creepy smile greets them.)

Woman: Hello! Welcome to the SpongeBob Community College, a part of the Collegia system! How may I assist you?

Dylan: Can we speak with the dean?

Woman: Of course you can! Let me lead you to him.

(The woman directs JCM and Dylan to the dean's office. They walk in to find AMK152 playing solitaire on his computer.)

JCM: Hi, AMK! How are you this fine morn?

AMK: (screams) Why must you continue to haunt me, evil spirit?

JCM: Evil spirit? Is that what you call your alumni nowadays?

Dylan: AMK, I'd like to make a proposition for you.

AMK: I don't want to hear it! Anyone fucked-up in the brain enough to associate with that... (points to JCM) has nothing of value to me!

Dylan: Not even your school's independence?

AMK: Whatchoo talkin' bout?

Dylan: Don't you hate being under Communia, having your tuition money taken by a giant, monolithic company for its not-so-legal endeavors?

AMK: (thinks for a second) Go on.

(The woman from before is standing next to the office door holding a cell phone.)

Woman: Hello? I think we might have trouble.

(An hour later, AMK and Dylan leave the office together.)

Dylan: I'd say that conversation was productive. How about you?

AMK: Yeah, I definitely had you pegged wrong. You're not an idiot after all.

Dylan: Thanks?

AMK: Well, you've got my number. Talk to you again soon!

(AMK goes back into his office, and Dylan retrieves JCM from a janitor's closet.)

JCM: Why did you stuff me in here? If I wanted to be in one of these closets all day, I'd have stayed at the school!

Dylan: Your presence made AMK physically upset. Why did you tell us he loved you?

JCM: Because he does love me! Haven't you heard of tough love?

Dylan: Whatever. I managed to salvage this business deal, so that's all that matters.

(JCM and Dylan walk out of the school when suddenly, a car drives by, whose front passenger points a gun out the window and shoots Dylan, causing him to fall.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh! He's been deaded!

Dylan: No, I haven't! Go after that car, you asshole!

(JCM chases the car as it races down the street. At the same time, llamas stampede out of the SpongeBob Community School, blocking the road. A pair of men wearing black suits and sunglasses come out of both sides of the car.)

Man in suit 1: Llamas? What the fuck is with this city?

Man in suit 2: I don't know, but we better get out of here!

(The men run through the stampede, and once JCM reaches it, he jumps on a llama, takes off his belt, and uses it as reins to steer the llama towards the suited men.)

JCM: It's a good thing I took that horseback riding class!

(JCM pulls the "reins" back, and the llama jumps over the men and kicks them both in the face, knocking them out. JCM uses the belt to tie the men's hands together, and he pulls them back to the SpongeBob Community College, passing the SpongeBob Community School, which the llamas have now deserted and which a sad-looking EVIL is standing outside of.)

EVIL: Aww...my llama caller stopped working.

(Aquatic Nuggets appears behind EVIL.)

AN: So you're the one who summoned them. You and I are about to have a long talk in my office!

(AN grabs EVIL by the ear and walks back into the school with him.)

EVIL: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

(At the SpongeBob Community College, the men in black suits regain consciousness in the janitor's closet with JCM and a patched-up Dylan.)

Dylan: Wakey, wakey, you ugly pieces of shit.

Man in suit 1: We'll never tell you that we're working for Communia! oops.

Man in suit 2: This is why I do the talking!

Dylan: Give me one reason not to sue you and your company for all you're worth.

Man in suit 1: (takes out a checkbook) How about a million reasons?

Dylan: Have you ever watched The Social Network?

Man in suit 1: No, I'm not a tool.

Dylan: Make it a billion or I'm out.

Man in suit 1: How about 10 million?

Dylan: A billion.

Man in suit 1: 100 million?

Dylan: (dials a number on his cellphone) Hello? Bitchass Business Bureau?

Man in suit 2: Alright, alright! We'll give you a billion!

(The first man writes Dylan a check for a billion dollars.)

Man in suit 1: Man, corruption is expensive.

Man in suit 2: Before we give you this, you need to promise never to come to this school or try to take it away from us again.

JCM: He doesn't have to promise you nothing!

Dylan: Sure, whatever.

JCM: What?

Dylan: JCM, our problem is solved. We don't need to deal with these assholes anymore. The school is saved.

Man in suit 1: That's the spirit! (gives Dylan the check)

JCM: Can we go now? I'll get nightmares if I'm in this closet for another second.

(JCM and Dylan leave.)

Man in suit 2: Well...we're pretty much fired now.

(The End)

(...)

(The men in black suits are sitting on a sidewalk with full-grown beards. They're both holding mugs.)

Man in suit 2: Spare change? Spare change, madam?

(A "lady" walking by pulls off her wig to reveal she's ACS.)

ACS: I'm not a madam, but I do have a job for you guys, if you're up to it.

Man in suit 1: Is it strange I'm still aroused?

[JCM]

JCM Looks After MNF1
 
(JCM and Dylan walk into Aquatic Nuggets' office.)
 
Dylan: Hey, Nugs.
 
AN: Hey, Dyl-HOLY FUCK! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR STOMACH?
 
Dylan: Just a gunshot wound.
 
AN: Just a gunshot wound? Get that checked out by SG right now!
 
Dylan: Fine, mom. I guess I'll take this billion-dollar check from Communia with me.
 
AN: Wait, what?
 
(Dylan gives Aquatic Nuggets the check.)
 
AN: I can't believe it! All of our budget issues are solved! I'm so happy, I could kiss you! Actually, you know what? That's what I'll do!
 
(Aquatic Nuggets kisses Dylan on the mouth.)
 
JCM: Should I leave you two alone?
 
AN: No, no. I've gotta cash this. And you still need to see SG, Dylan.
 
Dylan: I'm fine! I can barely even feel the wound! (vomits)
 
JCM: Aww, I just cleaned that floor.
 
AN: Go to SG.
 
Dylan: Alright, alright.
 
(Dylan walks out of the office, and a few seconds later, ModernNickelodeon Fan 1 walks in.)
 
AN: God damnit. You again.
 
JCM: MNF1! I didn't know you went here!
 
MNF1: Who the hell are you?
 
JCM: It's me, JCM. Doesn't CNF talk about me at home?
 
MNF1: No...oh wait! I know you! You're that stupid kid, aren't you?
 
JCM: If by stupid, you mean stupidly amazing, then yes!
 
MNF1: No, I don't.
 
AN: While you two catch up with each other, I'm gonna take a trip to the bank. JCM, watch over him. I don't know what he did to get sent here this time, but I do know you do not want him out of your sight.
 
JCM: (salutes) Yes, sir!
 
AN: At ease, soldier.
 
(JCM lowers his arm.)
 
AN: Wow, that really worked!
 
(Aquatic Nuggets leaves, shaking his head in disbelief.)
 
JCM: So, MNF1, do you play board games?
 
MNF1: Depends. What kind of board games do you have?
 
JCM: Only the best! Candyland! (takes the board game out of his pocket)
 
MNF1: How did you fit an entire board game in your pocket?
 
JCM: With persistence!
 
MNF1: Okay... (looks down) Eww! Who puked?
 
JCM: A great, great man.
 
MNF1: I don't want to play here! This place smells like barf!
 
JCM: Then where do you want to go?
 
MNF1: The staff lounge!
 
(MNF1 runs out of the office.)
 
JCM: Wait, you can't go there!
 
(JCM follows him to the staff lounge, where MCJ is watching the series finale of The Legend of Korra while eating popcorn and crying.)
 
MCJ: (sniffs) You go, girl.
 
MNF1: That show is boring! Change it to something good, like Johnny Test!
 
(MCJ jumps, spilling popcorn all over himself.)
 
MCJ: What the fuck are you doing in here?
 
JCM: MCJ, I can explain!
 
MCJ: Did you bring him in here?
 
MNF1: Yeah, he was taking me on a tour! Said it would be completely fine!
 
JCM: I did nothing of the sort!
 
(MCJ stares at JCM, then he turns to MNF1.)
 
MCJ: Are you lying to me, boy?
 
MNF1: Oh no, sir! I would never lie to a grown-up.
 
(A halo appears above MNF1's head as he bats his eyes.)
 
MCJ: Oh, you're a natural! You're just like me when I was a kid.
 
MNF1: Does this mean I'm not in trouble?
 
MCJ: Hell no, you're not in trouble!
 
JCM: But MCJ, he broke Section 1, Rule 35 of the SpongeBob Community School handbook!
 
(JCM takes a dictionary-sized book out of his pocket and flips to the relevant page.)
 
JCM: He has to be punished!
 
MNF1: How much shit are you able to cram in that pocket?
 
MCJ: Just ignore him. Aren't brothers the worst?
 
MNF1: Yeah, I have a brother who thinks Hey Arnold is a better show than Fanboy and Chum Chum!
 
MCJ: What?
 
(MCJ and MNF1 walk out of the staff lounge. JCM takes out his flip phone and dials Aquatic Nuggets' phone number.)
 
JCM: Hello? You there? Hmm.
 
(JCM closes his flip phone and walks out of the staff lounge.)
 
JCM: Must have given me the wrong number again.
 
(The End)
 
(...)
 
(Aquatic Nuggets wakes up in a pitch black basement.)
 
AN: Where am I? Last thing I remember I was on my way to the bank, and something, or someone, hit me on the head.
 
Voice: Surprise, motherfucker!
 
AN: Patback?
 
Patback: In the living flesh!
 
AN: What's all this about?
 
Patback: A source told us that you had come into possession of a billion-dollar check.
 
AN: (feels his pockets) The check!
 
(Patback takes the check out from under his shirt.)
 
Patback: Looking for this?
 
(Patback rips the check in two.)
 
AN: Did you hold that check under your shirt the whole time just so you could do that?
 
Patback: Shut up!
 
AN: Well, you got your comeuppance. Can you let me go now?
 
Patback: No, we've got plans for you.
 
AN: Who's this "we" you're talking about?

 
Patback: You'll find out soon. You'll find out soon.
 
ACS: We're Team Rage.
 
Patback: Shut the fuck up!

[JCM]

The Grim Reaper Undergoes Shock Therapy While JCM Plays Unfitting Music

 

JCM: Hello, everybody! I'm JCM!

 

Grim Reaper: And I'm the Grim Reaper, mon.

 

JCM: Since I'm too lazy to write an actual episode, I've decided to take a trip to the past with my old friend the Grim Reaper!

 

Grim Reaper: I'm just here for the paycheck.

 

JCM: Ha ha! He doesn't mean that!

 

Grim Reaper: Yeah, I do.

 

JCM: Ix-nay on the check-pay.

 

Grim Reaper: Wow, you really suck at pig latin. I should know. I invented it.

 

JCM: (grumbles) Let's get on with it.

 

(We open with a shot of the SpongeBob Community School. A short, puffy-faced kid rides his scooter into a nearby tree. He jumps off right before the scooter explodes.)

 

Grim Reaper: Explodes? That's some Michael Bay shit right there.

 

JCM: I miss that scooter.

 

JCM: (annoyingly high-pitched voice) Well, here I am! I better catch up with my friends before school starts!

 

(JCM runs into the school and sees Elastic Dog talking with Dragiiin123 and Metal Snake.)

JCM: Hello, my hippity homeboys! How it be?

 

Grim Reaper: I am offended.

 

Elastic Dog: (rolls eyes) Hi, JCM. I was just talking about this movie I just saw. You've probably heard of it.

JCM: What's its name?

 

JCM: Don't do it, me! It's not worth it!

 

Elastic Dog: Sex Zombies From the Devil's Womb

 

JCM: Aww! It's just as painful hearing it the second time!

 

Grim Reaper: Sounds like an average date night to me.

 

(There is a long, extremely awkward silence.)

 

JCM: No, I can't say I have heard of it. What is it about?

 

JCM: (plugs ears) Stop asking questions!

 

Elastic Dog: Basically, Satan fucks this chick in Hell, and the sex is so wild that both of them get pregnant immediately.

 

Dragiiin123: Yeah, so he and the bitch get an abortion, but the red guy's aborted babies rip themselves out of his stomach and rape and kill both of them.

 

JCM: La la la! I'm not listening!

 

Grim Reaper: Hey, this is getting interesting!

 

Metal Snake: Then the babies crawl out of Hell and start brutally raping every single person they encounter. It's fucking awesome. You should see it.

 

Grim Reaper: Is it on Blu-ray?

 

JCM: I don't know, and I don't want to know.

 

JCM: (twitches) I'll...put it on my list.

 

(JCM stumbles down the hall before finally passing out. He wakes up in the nurse's office.)

 

Grim Reaper: And then they fucked!

 

JCM: Grim Reaper! That is a ridiculous accusation!

 

Grim Reaper: You two did fuck, didn't you?

 

JCM: (plugs ears) La la la! I'm not listening!

 

Jelly: (reading a thermometer) Are you alright, JCM?

JCM: Yeah, I'm just recovering from another traumatizing experience.

 

Grim Reaper: How many of those do you have?

 

JCM: Well, I just had another, thanks to you.

 

Jelly: Do you want to talk to the guidance counselor about it?

JCM: We have a guidance counselor?

(JCM walks into the office of an old man with a long beard and shiny head. SpongeSebastian looks up and stares at JCM with deep interest.)

 

JCM: I remember that moment! It felt like he was staring into my soul.

 

Grim Reaper: I haven't gotten to your soul yet, but I've stared into your mind, and there isn't much happening.

 

JCM: That's because I'm abstract. I'm an artist. Dig it?

 

Grim Reaper: No.

 

SpongeSebastian: (slowly and quietly) hello there, jcm. do you want to talk about your feelings today?

JCM: No offense, but you really seem like a pedophile right now.

 

Grim Reaper: I've reaped my fair share of pedophiles, and I can assure you, he's not one. He's just creepy.

 

JCM: That's a load off my chest!

 

SpongeSebastian: (smiles) none taken. you'll find that I really encourage my visitors to just let it all out.

 

JCM: Um, OK. I'm not completely comfortable with the atmosphere at this school.

 

Grim Reaper: I don't know how anyone's comfortable with the air conditioning there.

 

JCM: I should fix that. I probably won't, but I should.

 

SpongeSebastian: what ever do you mean?

JCM: Well, the other kids are saying inappropriate things without the intervention of the staff.

SpongeSebastian: but don't you like the idea of an unrestricted environment?

 

Grim Reaper: You can tell he's never talked to JCM before.

 

JCM: What do you mean by that?

 

Grim Reaper: Nothing.

 

JCM: Not really. I was raised with values.

SpongeSebastian: isn't the value of freedom the most important value of all?

JCM: No.

 

Grim Reaper: You were born in the US, right?

 

JCM: Either that or Canada.

 

Grim Reaper: Here, you sound like you're from Russia.

 

SpongeSebastian: one of the most important?

JCM: No.

 

SpongeSebastian: is it important at all? even a little bit?

 

Grim Reaper: I think we know what the answer to this is.

 

JCM: Maybe a little bit.

 

JCM: This is a school, sir.

 

Grim Reaper: This is a school! We can't have hoodlums hoodluming about!

 

JCM: Are you mocking old me?

 

Grim Reaper: Old no!

 

SpongeSebastian: don't get rash with me, or i'll beat your little butt.

 

JCM: Yeah! What he said, Grim Reaper!

 

Grim Reaper: You do realize I'm the personification of death, right?

 

JCM: (pauses) Go on.

 

JCM: (crying) I just wanted someone to talk to!

SpongeSebastian: no you didn't, you whiny bitch. you wanted someone to agree with you.

 

Grim Reaper: Good to see you haven't changed these past three years.

 

JCM: Change, schmange!

 

JCM: But isn't that your job?

SpongeSebastian: my job is to knock sense into dumbshits like you, because you're too fucking stupid to get a goddamn clue

 

JCM: I don't like him.

 

JCM: I don't like you!

 

JCM: We're two of a kind!

 

Grim Reaper: You're the same kind. You're the same fucking person.

 

JCM: Yeah, yeah.

 

SpongeSebastian: get in line, motherfucker

(JCM runs out of the office with tears pouring from his eyes. He trips on a "Wet Floor" sign and sees tvguy347 mopping right next to him.)

JCM: Hey, you're the cool janitor!

 

JCM: Remember when I wasn't the cool janitor?

 

Grim Reaper: You mean like right now?

 

tvguy347: (Bill Cosby accent) That is me! Say, class is about to start. Why are you flip flopping around in the hallways with the puddin' pops and the sweaters and what not?

 

Grim Reaper: Ah, the days when impersonating Bill Cosby was cool. These are not those days.

 

JCM: And that's all we're going to say about that!

 

JCM: I've been having a really bad day!

 

tvguy347: (puts "Wet Floor" sign back into place) That is really sad, Theo, but if you knock that thingamajig over again, I will shove this here sploshin' device right up your anal area, what with the buttocks and the brown stuff and the whobob whatpants.

 

Grim Reaper: Tha-

 

JCM: And that's all we're going to say about that!

 

JCM: I'm not really sure what you just said, and I'm not really sure if I want to be. (walks off)

 

tvguy347: Salutations! I mean buh-bye! (coughs, then changes voice) Damn, that shit's rough.

 

Grim Reaper: Well, I guess it's over!

 

(The Grim Reaper appears and starts doing the Michigan J. Frog dance!)

 

Grim Reaper: Hello, mah baby! Hello, mah honey! Hello, mah ragtime gal!

 

Grim Reaper: I've done...things I'm not proud of.

 

JCM: At least this isn't the episode where you castrated that whale!

 

Grim Reaper: It was a dolphin! And how was I supposed to see it? I don't have eyes! I'm a skeleton!

 

(The End)

 

JCM: Well, I hope you enjoyed that small diversion! We'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming after this! Or not! I really don't know anymore!

 

Grim Reaper: Can I go home now?