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Person: Boy Nincompoop

Minty Car

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*Disclaimer: It's a parody. We don't take this seriously, so you shouldn't either. Just laugh and enjoy!*

Episode 2a: Abnormal Personality

It's a chilly morning in SBU where we start by seeing that Person is trying to pick oranges from a tree... With a vacuum cleaner. Mama SG walks outside the house and sees this. The only thing she can bear to do is to ask:

SG: Person, what are you doing with our vacuum cleaner!?

Person: Well it'd be too hard on my stubby legs to actually climb and pick oranges to make some orange juice. So I devised a new way to do it without spending money or exerting physical effort.

Mama SG heaves an exasperated sigh as she reclaims her vacuum cleaner, and then sends Person off to the SBC School before he can cause any more damage.

In his first ever self-aware moment, Person takes Mama SG's words to heart and begins to sulk along on his way to the SBC School. He then remembers the Show and Tell Science Event is today, and he doesn't have a project to show anybody. So Person desperately digs through a nearby trash can and pulls out the first objects he can find in an effort to bullshit the project. 


Class time commences and as the bell rings, hilaryfan80 welcomes everybody to another fun day of learning. As everybody gets their projects together, Person trips over his own shoelace walking in late and causes a disruption.

hilaryfan80: Late again? Hope you have a good excuse.

Person: Uhh... I was picking oranges with a vacuum.

Everyone else: l3BEwkJ.jpg

hilaryfan80: ...Well, as punishment for being late, you have to present your project first.

Person: Alright, but prepare to be amazed!

Person then pulls out a stained TV dinner tray, 2 brown dirty plates and a couple chopsticks. He then he put the chopsticks under the plates and on top of the tray and the plates barely stood up.

Person: Ta dah!!!

hilaryfan80: Your right Person... I am amazed. So amazed that I'm speechless.

After taking a moment of silence to regain his sanity, hilaryfan80 motions for Katniss to present her project next.

Katniss: So I did a miniature solar system model here for today.

hilaryfan80: Nice job, although I see you have Pluto in there...

Katniss: Because Pluto is a planet?

hilaryfan80: Oh sweetie, actu-


Katniss:  :stinkeye:

She then calmly walks over and pulls the chopsticks out from under the plates, as Person's hack project falls apart. Katniss stands proudly as she glares at Person in a cruel sort of way.

Person: Why you! Eat plate!

Person then takes one of the plates and throws it right at Katniss...

 …And watches as it barely misses her feet, not even coming close to her

Katniss: p3tfYy1.jpg

Person just stands there motionless, white as what a clean plate would have looked like. CDCB laughs mercilessly at Person, enraging the poor fool so deeply that he retaliates by throwing the other plate at CDCB. Unfortunately, as CDCB does not actually exist, the plate passes right through him and smashes hilaryfan80 in the face. Person stares in confusion and barely budges, but hilaryfan80 is not amused and suspends him for the rest of the week. Still dazed and confused, Person remains put.

hilaryfan80: Get out of my classroom.

Person: But that isn't fair! The plate was supposed to hit CDCB!

Elastic: Throwing plates at imaginary friends usually doesn't end well, bro.

SOF: ^

hilaryfan80: I wish you weren't always such a nincompoop...

CDCB: lol. he said "poop"


hilaryfan80: And you're still talking to nothing. Get out.


Person finally leaves the classroom, stunningly having his second self-aware moment of the day/life. Getting home, he saw Dad Jenkins practicing his take down moves on his trusty old pet, Metal Snake

Person: Dad, how many times do I have to tell you to not beat up my pet?

OMJ: Sorry son, he's just such a perfect competitor!

Metal Snake looks up at Person, whimpering sadly

Metal Snake: Ouch, that hurt my soul

Person takes Metal Snake back to his laboratory (really a rusty old corner in the basement that nobody ever bothers to clean) and gets to work on an invention that will transform him into the genius everybody wishes he was.In a moment's time, Person has created another hodgepodge of random junk he found laying around--the Smartomatic. Without hesitating, Person slaps on a helmet and pulls the lever to "genius" level, rapidly increasing his IQ point. Moments later, he is in fact, a genius.

Person: MS, fetch me some truffles, like the fancy people eat

Metal Snake: Yeah, this is going to only get worse

Person then walks on over to the XAT, where "Bob Duncan" is trying to get in

Acidic: Yo Person, want some purple dragon?

Person: Nah, I'm too smart for that shit now.


Person then knocks on the door. Clappy opens the door, but before he can slam it in Person's face, the now genius Person has some intelligent words to share.

Person: Salutations Clapmaster, or Clappy as you are traditionally called. I have arrived at the XAT to engage in smart activities.

Clappy: ...What the hell?

Jjs: Alright Person, it's time to kick--

Clappy: No no, hold on. This could be interesting...

Person: Quite so, in fact! For I am no longer the childish juvenile you once knew! Today marks the day of a new, smarter Person! A socially acceptable Person who does not antagonize his peers with imaginary friends!

Jjs: Well, that's the first time I've heard him use words with more than three syllables. Should we let him in?

Steel:  Nah, he probably read a dictionary.

SOF: lol Person reading xD

Jjs: He seems smart enough to hold it together. Let's give him a chance.

Everyone Else: really-meme.jpg

Jjs: Well, his last chance, anyway. Person, you may come inside.

Person then walks inside XAT, secretly overjoyed although he pretends not to be as excited as he really is.

Fa: Yo bae <3

Person: WHY YO- I mean, what are you speaking of? I am not your "before anyone else"

Fa: ;(

Clappy: you seen the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, Person?

Person: You mean Avatar?

Clappy just blankly stares back at Person as he let the kid's answer sit in. He then pulls Jjs outside of XAT to explain his suspicions.

Clappy: I think this was a bad idea after all. Something doesn't seem right about Person.

Jjs: I agree. I want to believe him, but he's giving me reason to doubt.

Clappy: Let's give him a test, and if he passes, we'll know he's really changed.


Meanwhile, Person is continuing his new-found intelligent ways.

Cha: Person, you wanna see some of my art?

Person: I guess I'd be intrigued in seeing some of your artistic exploits, even despite not knowing of this previously.

Cha closes her notebook after that not really wanting to do any art oddly enough after that.

Steel: What edition of Webster's did you use for all your new lingo?

Person: Hardy har har, good hilarity Steel.

Nuggets: Fam, I'm starting to think this kid's as cool as the other side of the pillow:swag:

Suddenly a strange, unsettling noise comes from outside, to which everyone is drawn to knowing what might be going on outside. Walking outside, they see Clappy and Jjs standing by an old record player, beaming out this:


(first 30 seconds, more if you want)

Everyone just kinda reacts mildly to the song, Elastic even kinda grooving to it, but no one is in the least bit bothered by it.

Omair: I came out here and expected death and despair! There better be a good explanation for this!

Everyone then turns around to see a panicked Person behind them.


Everyone then turns away from Person and just walks back into XAT, closing the door tightly on him. Person tries to get back in, but someone grabs him from behind.

Jjs: Nice try Personjitzu. Now begone!

Jjs then karate kicks Person somewhere far away to where even we don't know. He'll probably be back next episode. Probably.

Edited by Fa!
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*Disclaimer: It's a parody. We don't take this seriously, so you shouldn't either. Just laugh and enjoy!*

Episode 2B: Person’s Really Dumb Sales Tactics

A sunny day in SBU was occurring where, at the SBC School, Person was preaching at the SBC School, Person was preaching at the top staircase.

Person – Have you ever dreaded having to read?

Fa – No, in fact I just finished rereading Slaughterho-

Person – Shush! I am talking! I have devised a new method to the contents of a book without actually reading! Behold:

Person attempts to bite on his thick Algebra textbook. He then convulses back on the ground, as trying to eat a textbook is like trying to eat a rock.

Elastic – That’s special levels of stupid.


Later that day, Person returned with a giant brace in his broken mouth, to the usual level of silence.

Person – I’M NOT DEAD!

hilaryfan80 – Person, I’m lecturing! Sit down!

Person did as he was told, but quickly fell asleep as he usually did. He awoke just before the bell usually rang.

hilaryfan80 – As I was saying, you’ll all be going door to door and selling SpongeBob DVDs to raise funds. The person who sells the most DVDs will win a free ticket to Spongetopia!

CNF – Has this been authorized by Viacom?

hilaryfan80 – Errrrrmmmmmm…. Lets see if someone can beat 3 time reigning champion, Clappy!

hilaryfan80 then points to where Clappy sits, but it was empty that day leading to a moment of (awkward) silence

hilaryfan80 – Ummmmm, anyways the deadline is tomorrow because I can do that. :squilliam2: Any questions?

Person – What season are they?

Person – Ewwwww, I would rather read then sell season 7!

Trophy - Good, one less annoyance at Spongetopia.

Person - SPONGETOPIA?! Hrrrm... FINE. I'll sell them.

Kat - As if anybody'd want to buy anything from you...

Person - You're wrong, Kat! I'll show you all what an expert salesman I am! Just watch...

Kat - Why me! Trophy egged you on first!

Person is so excited to win that he goes straight to work right after school. He stops first at the house of an SBC legend.

Person - Are you Mr. Terminoob?

Terminoob - No.

Person - Oh I'm sorry then sir. Could I interest you in so-

Terminoob then slams the door shut on Person's face. Person then walks on to another very familiar looking house.

Person - Hello sir would you lik- Oh hey dad! What are you doing here at this random house?

OMJ - O_______o This is our house son.

Person: lol, Want to buy some SpongeBo--

OMJ - No son, I think you could use some more fresh air...

OMJ slams the door in Person's face. Person then decides to try one last house.

Person - Hello s--ugh... CDCB...

CDCB - Hold up Person, I actually need Season 7.

Person - FINE... but I still hate you.

Person completes his first sale with CDCB, but since CDCB and his house don't actually exist, he doesn't get any payment for the DVD which sends him into a wild rage and right into Katniss.

Kat – Oh come on, everything was going great before you arrived *groans*

Person – Trembling in fear of me, rival? :smirk:

Kat – No… you just got my skirt wet from your drool was all. Already sold 12 DVDs in the hour since we left school, how about you?

Person – I sold one to CDCB, but…

Person then runs off rather than explain his imaginary friends. Realizing he'll never manage to sell anything, Person heads back to his lab and starts building a robot salesman to do the job for him. When the invention is all put together, he tests it on his dad.

Robot - Good day to you, sir!

OMJ - Uhh, what do you want?

Robot - Nothing! Good day! Very good day indeed, isn't it?

OMJ - I guess...

Robot - Goodbye sir, and have a very good day!

OMJ - Alright then?

The robot returns to find Person looking all butthurt.

Person - What the hell was that? You didn't sell anything...

Robot - Selling takes work, and work is hard. It would be a bad day if I worked, sir.

Person - But I won't win if we don't sell DVDs you dipshit robot!

Person then hits the robot with a magazine in the head, making the robot frizz and circuit, finally visibly overheats.

It then grabs a pile of DVDs and walks into the kitchen, to see Mama SG and OMJ "making" dinner.

Robot - Sir!

OMJ - Yes, I know. It's a very good day.

The robot proceeds to whack OMJ in the head repeatedly with the DVDs. Luckily Mama SG has her trusty frying pan ready and gives the robot the ol' onesy twosy, causing it to land in a battered heap.

*collapse in a battered heap*

Person – What the hell Dad?

OMJ – Not only was your piece of junk hitting me with bad season DVDs, but he interrupted dinner time :hands:

SG: Good thing, he didn’t mess up the chicken.

The family then eats a nice wonderful dinner, somehow managing to ignore the giant robot clunk of metal on the floor.


The next day, everybody is ready to report their sales and Person, having sold nothing, realizes he'll need to think of something really fast if he's going to go to Spongetopia.


hilaryfan80 - ... Person, you can't sell DVDs to yourself. That's... cheating...

Person: ...what?

hilaryfan80 - It says so in the handbook. Which you obviously didn't read...

Person - *sniff* No... no it's not!! IT DOESNT SAY THAT!! It can't be... Uh, I'll.., uh... umm... hilaryfan80! How would YOU like 2,794 SpongeBob DVDs?

Trophy - Those ARE his DVDs, you dingus.

Person freezes and suddenly bursts out of the room, knowing full well that he's lost once again. But he briefly sticks his head back in through the door to say…

Person - I HATE YOU ALL!!!

He slams the door and trips over a stack of DVDs on the way out.

Edited by Fa!
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Episode 3a: MangBot


It was a boring dreary day in SBU when Person realized he was bored as a mofo. Metal Snake was recharging after shitting all over the lab and his parents were busy making future persons, hopefully with a better success rate. Person then decided to check up on his friends from SBC/XAT. He called on "Bob Duncan," but only got a voice mail reading:


"Sorry busy listening to llamas doing nasty stuff. Call back never"


Person - I'll call back later.


Next he tried CDCB, but Person's brain fizzled out when he realized CDCB didn't have a number.


Person: Dammit CD, the one time I actually don't not want you around!


Person then went over to a rather colorful house. He actually had no idea who lived in it, but it was better than being bored on this particular day. Knocking on the door, Cha emerged out of the door.


Person: Oh Cha, you live here?


Cha: Umm actually...


Katniss then came to the door, and slammed it immediately upon seeing Person.


Person: Well, I didn't want your cooties anyways! EITHER ONE OF YA!


Person: Dad, nobody ever listens to anything I have to say...


OMJ doesn't respond so Person continues.


Person: I tried talking to like pretty much everybody but they all--


OMJ: Nachos!


Person: ...what?


OMJ: Anybody want nachos? I want nachos!


Person: I don't care about nachos!!!


Person: Goddammit, even my own dad doesn't pay attention to me when he's hungry


An idea hit person suddenly at that moment.


Person: If I can’t make friends, then I'll "make" friends. Mwahahahh-


OMJ: Son, could you have your creepy talking to your air friend episodes somewhere else today? I'm thinking of whether Nacho Fries beat Nacho Curly Fries or not.


Person then retreats to his laboratory basement where he awakens his ol' pal Metal Snake from an MLP infused dream.


Metal Snake: Wtf man, Spike and Rarity almost got married.


Person: FORGET YOUR PONIES! I need a friend who will listen to me.


Metal Snake: Uh, congratulations.


Person: So stop laying around here all lazy and make one for me.


Metal Snake: ...maybe if you hadn't woken me up from the dream of the century. Sorry, but no. By Celestia, the marriage will go on!


MS goes back to sleep and Person grunts in annoyance.


Person: Fine, I'll make my own best friend then!


Person then grabs a random agglomeration of broken SpongeBob action figure pieces along with the wingspan of a buzz lightyear life sized action figure and creates an ugly mofo unlike any other.


Person: I'll name you Mangbot. We're gonna be best friends forever and ever.


Mangbot: Whatever you say kid.


OMJ: Oh my god, that thing is incredibly ugly as hell!


SG: Son, how many times have we told you to not create robots with broken toys of yours?


A brief montage of several even worse, uglier failed robot experiments plays to the tune of Gary Come Home’s instrumental track.



Person: But Mama, my friends are just ignoring me! What do you expect me to do?


SG: Maybe actually study or read a book?


Person: 74yLAO2.gif


OMJ: All this stress is only making my nachos craving even worse.


Suddenly Mangbot levitates to the kitchen and within 2 minutes arrives back in with a hot, steamy bowl of cheddar cheese nachos


OMJ: :wub: How's your day going, Mangbot aka my one and only son!


Person: ...what? But... I made him...


OMJ: I think we know who's made who :smirk:


SG: Jenks, that hunk of metal isn't our son!


OMJ: Yeah, I know. The metal mistake is right there (points at Person)


Person: Screw you guys! I'll go impress the XAT kids!


OMJ: Oh the XAT days. Why I remember back in the days of forumotion...


Person ran out the door before his father could go any further on in his rant. He then walked to the XAT where he saw that the group was outside of the building having set up another round of the Fry Cook Games, currently playing spatula toss.


Jjs: And currently, JCM is in a tight match with Trophy! It’s only a- Oh no, Person! Get off the XAT premises!


Trophy throws a spatula at Person, hitting him square on the head and knocking him out cold.


Jjs: Bonus points for Trophy! Trophy has taken the lead!


Mangbot then steps forward and take the spatulas out of Trophy and JCM’s hands, firing perfect bullseyes at the targets.


SOF: Hey, that was kinda cool.


Jjs: Sorry, but you weren’t officially entered so your actions don’t count. You are disqualified!


Mangbot: No I am not. I easily won. You are just pitiful that I defeated you all so easily.


Jjs: But you broke the rules, therefore you are disqualified!



Mangbot: BUT THAT’S-


Mangbot begins to circuit and overheat to the clear view of all to see.


Mangbot: NOT FAIR!!!!!!!


Mangbot then falls onto the ground and just as quickly flips back up on his feet, with a dark glow in his metallic eyes.


Mangbot: IT'S HALF OFF!!!!


CNF: Uhhh, what?


Mangbot throws a can of spam towards CNF. It misses and shatters a mirror.


Mangbot: TRY IT!!! FREE SAMPLE!!!!


Mangbot throws two more cans of spam which knock over and soil two priceless statues of Terminoob.


Nuggets: What the hell?? That thing’s turned into Spambot!


jjs: Not on my watch. Mangbot, I'm kicking y-- *clang*


The impact of the spam can to Jjs’ head knocked him right out.


Mangbot: ONLY 6 EASY PAYMENTS OF $19.95!!!!


Nuggets: Welp, there goes Jjs.


CNF: Somebody shut Spambot off!


Nuggets: There's no off switch...


Clappy: Only a dingus like Person...


Teenj: Well, what do we do now? Just let Spambot run his course?


CNF: Not much else we can do. Just try not to get hit.




Spambot obliterates a window with another can.


Nuggets: Hold on, I have an idea.


Nuggets grabs a stray can of spam and throws it at Spambot with a loud CLANG. Spambot freezes for a moment, sputters, then goes into Spam Overdrive, constantly throwing cans left and right.


Nuggets: ....Oh fuck.




Windows shatter, tables fall over, and just about everything on the building breaks. It's a complete mess of utter chaos... But then Acidic quietly emerges from his hiding spot (In the PC bushes) and Spambot tries to strike a deal with him.




Spambot pelts Acidic with some 50 cans of spam, inadvertently creating a Coke/Mentos effect that launches Spambot through the roof of the XAT and lands him on the moon. Suddenly person awakens to angry mob of SBCers staring right at him


Nuggets: I think you know what's coming next :angrytom:


Person: Wait, did my invention fail again?


Everyone: idris-gif-what-do-you-think.gif?w=500&h=


The group of angry SBCers then toss Person far, far away. again


He'll be back though because he's Person and all that jazz.

Edited by Fa!
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Episode 3b: The Big Voice Debate


Today is student lecture day at the SBC School, and CNF is describing the statistics of how SpongeBob's vocal pitch changed over the years.


CNF: And as you can see with this chart, it started out pretty low, then when they made the movie--




CNF: ...we all know you are, Person. But yes, the pitch did rise a little when--


Person: It wasn't a little! Try watching a new episode. It's like he swallowed a balloon.


CNF: Will you stop interrupting...?


Person: lol...


CNF: ... ANYWAY... there is a subtle difference between his voice in the first movie versus his voice in Fear of a Kra--


Person: I don't know what subtle means, but you're WRONG!!!


hilaryfan80 then throws a water balloon at Person.


hilaryfan80: Stop interrupting!


Person: Then CNF needs to stop being wrong and recognize that the voice all terrible now


CNF: Your so wrong. I mean even Tom Kenny in 1997 would be fine with this voice


Person: No he wouldn't!




Person: Then I will!


hilaryfan80: No, you will not! It's only 10:23 and school ends at-


Person was already long gone…


In Person’s "Lab"…


After hours of work, Person's time portal invention is finally complete. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and pulls a big lever, causing the machine to spark and sputter before finally managing to power up. Seconds later, a familiar face pops out of the portal.


Person: lol, hi Tom Kenny.


Tom Kenny: ...Umm... who are you, and why did I just come out of your trash can?


Person: I'm Person and I need you to tell that idiot CNF he's wrong about SpongeBob's voice.


Tom Kenny: Uhh... you mean SpongeBoy?


Person: No, I mean SpongeBob. Get with the times, lol.


Tom Kenny: Look, I don't know how you brought me here, but I really should be getting back. I have a table read to go to for the SpongeBoy Ahoy pilot.


Person: ...I don't know what the hell that is lol, but whatever. I'll bring you back after you take care of CNF for me.


Tom Kenny: Alright, fine... Just have me back soon before Stephen gets pissed.




Kat: What a peaceful day. We really don’t get enough of these anymore.


Tom Kenny reluctantly follows Person to the XAT and slowly walks in.


Fa: Spoke too soon :stinkeye:


Person: Guess who I brought to the XAT for you all to marvel at?


Clappy: Is it Emma? :wub:


Person: :stinkeye: No!


Cha: Is it Guano? :squilliam2:


Person: No you morons! I brought Tom Kenny!


SpongeBob’s Number 1 Fan: Who's Tom Kenny?


Jjs: What was that SpongeBob’s Number 1 361st Fan?


Person: Tom, come

Tom Kenny: Um... hey.


jjs: ...Whoa, it actually IS Tom Kenny.


Cha: Tom :wub: <3


Person: I demand silence! Where's CNF?


CNF: Uhh... I'm right in front of you, dumbass.


Person: Perfect! :hands: Now Tom, please tell us what you think of this recording. 


Person begins to play an audio recording of a random SpongeBob line from Season 7. Tom Kenny listens in awe.


Tom Kenny: That's... the voice I was going to use for the SpongeBoy pilot... only higher.


Person: Sucks, doesn't it?


Tom Kenny: No... actually I sort of like it. Yeah! I think it's a better fit for the character. Definitely is.


Fa: Ha. :funny:


Person: This is such bullshit.


Jjs: Person, can't you at least be graceful in loss?


Person: No :glare:

Come on Tom, you’re going back to 1997 


Tom Kenny: Ummm.... I don't really... want to


Person: It's not a question, you’re going bac-


Person was then jujitzu'd out of the front door by Cha, far far away (to the back of the SBC School in fact.) Person was knocked out cold for several hours to the point where it was night, and when he awoke something was different. The front of the town sign no longer said SBU but now said AAHHHHH!!!!!!!!


Person: ...What?



In an effort to orient himself, Person tries to find the XAT so he can get kicked out of there a few times, but he finds that it's been replaced by the XAAHHHHHT, a community dedicated to the Klasky Csupo  classic, Aahhhhh!! Real Monsters. Nevertheless, Person steps inside to bug jjs for an explanation or two.


Person: What happened to the SpongeBob XAT? When did you turn it into this monster shit?


jjs: Okay, first of all, I don't take kindly to people insulting Aahhhhh!! Real Monsters. Second, I don't know what you mean by "SpongeBob"... This place has always been the XAAHHHHHT.


CNF: History lesson over. Let's kick him out.


Person low balls jjs and kicks him in the nuts as he runs down to see Tom Kenny as the life of the XAAHHHHHT


Tom Kenny: Oh hey... it's you again.


Person: We have to go back in time and set things right! You have to finish SpongeBob!


Tom Kenny: No way, I'm the life of the party here. Plus Aahhhhh!! Real Monsters isn't that bad


Person: It's fucking horrible!


Jjs then recovers and kicks person out.


Person: Goddammit, I'm all alone now.


CDCB: Well, you still got me :smirk:


Person: OH GAWD...


CDCB: Yes, how may I help you?


Person: YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!! AAAAAH!! If Tom Kenny won't be SpongeBob's voice then... then I'll have to go to 1997 and do it myself!


CDCB: (girlyishly) Take me with you, sweetheart.




Person steps into the portal and is instantly whisked away to the year 1997, right outside of living room of Stephen Hillenburg's house where a table read with the SpongeBoy Ahoy! voice actors is about to begin.


Steven Hillenburg: Where the hell is Tom? And for that mater, why is there some kid in my house?


Bill Faggerbake: (as Patrick) Oh no!! What have you done to SpongeBob?!


Person: Bitch, I AM SpongeBob. Da... ha ha. Ha, hahahaha. :laugh:


Stephen Hillenburg: That was terrible, but given Tom's spontaneous disappearance, I guess... you're the new voice of SpongeBob.


Person then speeds up the time machine and goes 2 years in the future to the original time when SB premiered at the KCA'S.... he does not walk into a good scene as the stage was covered in tomatoes and set pieces were broken.


Crowd: Boo.


Fangirl: You stink!


Person: What the hell?




Person: ACK! NOOOOO!


Person is just about to be destroyed by the mob when suddenly everything freezes. Suddenly, Person was teleported to space, where he was surprisingly able to stand despite no visible, solid ground beneath his feet. Suddenly a voice began talking, although no one else was around it had seemed.


???: You really goofed it up this time, you dipshit.


Person: Who said that!?


???: I did. You, after all, did destroy your entire timeline of existence. That’s pretty lame man.


Person: Who are you to call me a dipshit!?


???: Fool! I am the lord of time, space and Wumbology. You may refer to me as Wumbo.


Person: What do you want with me?


Wumbo: Just remain put while I repair the damage you've done.


Person: But that's what I was trying to--


Wumbo seizes control of Person's voice box and with a blast of light, everything is returned back to the way it once was.


Person: I'm a stupid raving idiot and also, Arthur is the greatest show to ever air on PBS. ...HEY!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT!


Wumbo: Sorry man, I just needed one laugh. The voice box is yours again.




Wumbo left Person alone in the reconstructed SBU. Nobody except Person had any idea any of this stuff had happened in the first place, and in a few minutes, Person himself forgot too. It just goes to show that no matter how hard Person may try, his plans are as memorable as they are successful.


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              4a: Home (Not) Alone

It was a dark ass night when OMJ and Mama SG were packing up to head on out for a "3rd honeymoon" at the Motel 6 down the road.

Person - Wouldn't you actually go away to have a legit honeymoon?

OMJ - You're not allowed to use the word legit. Also, any time not around you is a honeymoon for us.

SG - I still don't enjoy the thought of our son alone in the house for a night...

OMJ - Relax Mama! If we get this right, he'll actually do something useful!

SG: Useful? That's kind of a stretch, but if he doesn't break anything, I suppose we could give him a chance.

OMJ: The only thing he'll be breaking is the stupidity barrier.

Person: HEY!

OMJ: Alright son, we're trusting the house will still be in one piece when we get back. Is that clear?

Person: Huh?

OMJ: Don't break anything.

Person: Speak English, Dad!

OMJ: ... no touchy boom boom.

Person: Oh, alright.

The parents leave, and Person pulls out his Wii U in order to play Super Mario Sunshine (No, it doesn't work on Wii U but don’t tell Person that :stinkeye:)

Person - Damn piece of shit!

??? - No cursing young man!

Person - Who the fuck said that?

CDCB - Dude, respect my girlfriend...


CDCB - Dude, we're babysitting you...


CF: Mhm. Now behave yourself, Person.

CDCB: And get some soap while you're at it.

Person: SHUT UP!!!

CDCB: HEY! That's no way to talk to your babysitters!

CF: March yourself into the time out chair.

Person: I'm too old for time outs...

CDCB: That's an early bedtime too, smartass!


Person stops for a moment and his brain fizzles out when he has no basis to support his argument and slumps away to the time out chair. As he serves his punishment, CF and CDCB watch episodes of Hamtaro.

Person: What are those ugly furry things?

CDCB: Well Person, there comes a time in a man's life when--


CDCB: Oh, uh... they're hamsters, dude.

Person - This is stupid. Let's watch Llamalooza...


Person then goes back to the timeout chair but sneaks out a few moments later to his "lab"

Person - Metal Snake, these babysitters are lame!

MS - What babysitters? You're home alone.

Person - No I'm not! CD and his girlfriend are babysitting me!

MS - Oh the sky people... ok if you say so...

Person - Well I'm going to...

Person hears CF and CDCB talking from upstairs.

CDCB: Ha, look at Oxnard's face!

CF: xP

Person: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna liven things up. CD and his girlfriend are really close right? Well, if something were to happen to CF... then CD would come rushing to save her, and I'd be alone again!

Metal Snake: But you already are a--oh never mind... What are you planning to do?

Person: Aha! That's for me to know and you to find out!

About half an hour later, Person comes out of the kitchen carrying a liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

CDCB: Ooooh sweet! Hey CF, Person brought us some Mountain Dew!

CF: Awesome ^^

CDCB: Looks like you finally redeemed yourself, kid.


Person then changes the channel to South Park. CF then tries to reach for it but is too small.

Person - WHO'S IN CHARGE NOW!?!?!?!

Person laughs maniacally until CD throws a plant vase at him.

CD (In burly black voice) - Listen here man, we're still stronger then you even as babies!

CF (Also in burly black voice) - Lets get him!

They then gangpile on Person and repeatedly hit him with rattles and CD also used another plant vase. Person looked like the guy out of Shawshank Redemption on his worst day. And then it took an even worse turn.

CD: I went doo doo. :smirk:

Person: I guess I should call a girl...

Person then promptly calls Katniss.

Kat: Hello?


Kat: .......

Person then sees that the babies cut the phone line, rendering it useless.

Babies (in unison): What'cha gonna do now? :funny:

Person then begins to cry on the ground, unable to stand it. And suddenly the babies began to age.

Person: Apparently, my tears are their kryptonite or something. Holy shit.

Person then couldn't force anymore tears out of course because conflict resolution. Just then, the phone rang and Person picked up.

OMJ: Hey son, we just wanted to check how things were going.

Person: Not now, I've got two five year olds in the house!

OMJ: ... uh...

Person: Errr I mean, that is...

OMJ: ... uh... I think that's our cue to come home early...

Person: No! I forbid you to return!

OMJ: Nice try, son. We're already outside the front door. See ya in two seconds. :troll: *click*

Person then bursts into tears at the thought of no more Wii U, which accelerates the aging process and turns both of them into their regular aged selves just as OMJ opens the door.

Person: See Dad, everything's swell! ALL ALONE...

The parents see a completely trashed house.

SG: My favorite plant!

Person then sees CDCB and CF trying to make a run for it and throws an ambiguous can of spam towards them. It misses and hits SG. 

OMJ: My favorite wife!

Person: It's CD's fault! And his girlfriend too!

OMJ: That's it son... No more Super Mario Sunshine!

Person then sits in his room in shame and CDCB and CF watch more Hamtaro on his TV, and OMJ and SG cook up more honeymooning goodness. All’s well that ends well.

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Two in one day to make up for a weak last week.

4b: Person and Metal Snake: Nincompoops in Time

It was an average Saturday night in the Person household, where OMJ was dominating the tv with WWE Raw reruns.

Person: Dad, I wanna watch SpongeBob.

OMJ: What's SpongeBob :troll:

A colorful commercial then comes on for the Wii U video game "Yoshi's Wooly World"

OMJ: What the Hell? No kids are watching-

Person is like: giphy.gif

OMJ: I stand corrected...

Person: OMG DAD!!??!?!?!?!? CAN WE GET IT!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

OMJ: Son, we're poor as hell. I still don't know how you got a Wii U to begin with...

Person: Uhh... internet?

OMJ: You know what, just for that half-assed Fairly OddParents reference, I'm gonna have to say no.

Person grumbles to himself as he once again descends down the basement stairs in defeat. He proceeds to vent to Metal Snake.

Person: Metal Snake, Dad's being unreasonable again and won't get me Yoshi's Wooly World. Can you torrent it for me?

Metal Snake: Sorry, I don't condone piracy.

Person: Arrrrgggh.... why do we have to be so poor? Other people have money...

Metal Snake: Yeah well, other people made smart investments. You'd have to be the president of Nintendo to afford half the crap they put out.

Person: Maybe not... If Dad bet on the MMA winner, we'd have all the money we'd ever need.

Metal Snake: What are you saying?

Person: I'm saying, I'm off to build a time machine and go back to tell him where to place his wager. And when he wins... it's Yoshi time!

Metal Snake: Pffft. You don't even know who the winner is.

Person: It's Ronda Rousey!

Metal Snake: No, you dope! She's the one who lost!

Person: Oh thanks Metal Snake! Let's do this shit!

Person then builds a time machine out of his toilet.

Metal Snake: Why do all of these time machines have to be gross in nature?

Person then flushes the toilet and arrives 5 days in the past when the Ronda Rousey/Holly Helm fight happened.

Metal Snake: How disgusting.

Person: Ok, now to go to the Dump, where they're holding the fight.

Nuggets: Alright people, hand me your wagers.

JCM: 100 doubloons on Rousey.

Nuggets: Not bad, not bad.... NEXT!

After closely scanning everybody in the wager line, Person finds OMJ, slaps on a false mustache, and cuts in line next to him.

Person: *in an Italian accent* Pip pip, howdy doozle? I am the Swedish man, here to tell you a little secret, yes?

OMJ: Damn... you look so much like my son, but handsomer... Uh... what's your secret?

Person: *in an Italian accent* Wager it all on Holly Helm. Every last peso!

OMJ: But everybody's betting on Rousey....

Person: *in an Italian accent* But you can trust me. I'm Swedish.

OMJ: This is all very sketchy, especially since you look so much like my son...

Nuggets: Next!

OMJ: But you are clearly far more handsome then my son, so I'm gonna trust you.

Nuggets: Place your bet Jenks!

OMJ: All the doubloons on Helm!

Nuggets: o.o Your funeral I guess man... 

The fight soon begins and Person watches with glee as Holly Helm pulls the once unimaginable upset over someone considered the best in Ronda Rousey.

Nuggets: Well Jenkins.... YOUR FUCKING RICH NOW (Omg)

OMJ is then given a check for over 100 million doubloons, preventing the family from being poor.

OMJ: Thank you mysterious Sweddish Italian accented man! How may I ever repay you?

Person: Buy your son "Yoshi's Wooly World"

OMJ: Well that's a strange request... BUT FUCK IT I'M RICH! OF COURSE I WILL!

Person then heads back to the time machine toliet with Metal Snake satisfied with it all.

Metal Snake: You do realize something bad always happens right?

Person: Shut up you downer :D

Person finds a copy of Yoshi's Wooly World waiting for him in the living room, right in front of the high tech home theater system. Hardly able to contain the anticipation, Person pops the game into his Wii U and sees...



Person: ..... the fuck was that? Ah well, my family's rich now. I'll ask Dad for a replacement disc.

Conveniently, OMJ walks into the room just then, talking on an exclusive Golden iPhone.

Person: Dad, Nintendo betrayed me with a bunch of cheap walk cycles. Can I have a new--

OMJ: Hold on, my son's bitching to me again. ... yeah, I know. Okay here, son..., drown your sorrows in some complimentary nachos.

Person: ... I DON'T WANT NACHOS!

Person furiously smashes the bowl of nachos onto the chrome floor.

OMJ: Goddammit, now he marred the chromium! ...alright yeah, we're off track. Yeah, if we put that with the others then I'm sure...

OMJ's voice trails off as he leaves the room.

Person: So Dad's a dick still. Nothing new. I'll ask mom

Person then entered the kitchen to see his mother in a hot tub. 

Person: Why the fuck do we have a hot tub in the kitchen mom?


Person: Could I have some money to repurchase a copy of Yoshi's Wooly World? Nintendo sent us a bad copy.

SG: Nintendo is a Japanese company. We should only associate with American based companies son! :stinkeye:

Person leaves mama SG to her hot tub in frustration

Person: Well at least I can buy friends now!

Person steals a gold brick and hauls it over the XAT where everybody is partying away. Right away in an almost robotic way, Person walks in through the doors only to be stopped by jjs.

Jjs: Hold it, Person. We've been through this before. You're perma banned here.

Person: Perhaps you need a little persuasion....?

Jjs: Oooh thanks. Now we can get those SpongeBob truffles!

Person: I don't know what a truffle is lol, but excuse me. The XAT awaits.

Jjs: Uh, no it doesn't. Get back outside.

Person: lol? But I gave you a gold brick.

Jjs: Yeah. You gave me a gold brick. You're still banned.

Jjs: You heard him.

Elastic conks Person in the head with an ordinary brick, KO'ing him for a few minutes. When Person comes to, he's back on the porch outside his house.

Person: Well this fucking blows. Not really any different from being pretty poor.

CDCB: Can I have a gold brick? :smirk:


Person then goes inside his house to his "lab", which is now a man cave for OMJ, styled after a wrestling ring.

OMJ: Yeah sorry about your toys son. I wanted this is all :hands:

Person: Ugggh…

OMJ: Don't worry I kept the toilet at least for that potty mouth of yours :troll:

Person: Not funn- Oh shit wait I could go back in time and stop this from happening!

OMJ: The movie is Hot Tub Time Machine son, not Toilet Time Machine

Person: Come in Goddard! Err I mean Metal Snake!

Metal Snake: What the fuck is a Goddard?

Person: Never mind that. I need to go back in time and--

???: You're not going anywhere.

Person: What? But I--

Person: What? But I--LOVE ARTHUR!  .... WUMBO!!!

Wumbo: Sorry man, that never gets old. *ahem* But yeah, I'm just gonna put things back how they were and pretend this never happened... again...

Person then threw a used napkin at Wumbo!

Wumbo: Unsanitary conditions! My weakness!

Used Napkin: I resent that insult almost as much as this cameo.

Person uses this moment of rare weakness to escape with Metal Snake to the Toilet time machine, arriving 5 minutes before past Person arrived.

Person: Alright, now I just gotta stop myself from stopping OMJ from betting on whatsherface.

Minutes later, Past Person arrives and comes face to face with Present Person.

Past Person: ... lol? You look like me.

Present Person: I AM you, Person. From the present.

Past Person puts on his fake mustache and speaks in his phony Italian accent again.

Past Person: I don't know what you're talking about, yes? I'm a Swedish man, cheerio pip pippidy!

Present Person: Whatever. Just don't talk to Dad, okay?

Past Person: You are confusing the yorgy schmorgy outta me!

Present Person feels the rage building up inside of him. To think that his own past self would be such an idiot. He then grabs his past self and punches him squarely in the head.

Past Person: You asshole!

He then kicks him squarely in the rib cage. They exchange several brutal blows against one another, beating the living shit out of each other.

Nuggets: Damn shit is flying son!


Fa: 1 on Person :funny:

Rousey: 2000000 on the Swedish one!

Then present person tears off past person's moustache, revealing that person is in fact fighting... person

Clappy: Wait, what?

Suddenly, Wumbo returns with a shredded napkin firmly grasped in his hand.

Wumbo: Nice try, Person. By the power of Marc Brown, I swear you're not ditching me this time.

Both Persons: Oh yeah?

Wumbo: ... What have you done, man? Ugghh...


In an instant, Wumbo resets everything back to the status quo and plain old Person finds himself sitting outside on his poor, poverty stricken ass.

Person: What the Hell just happened?

All’s well that ends well once again...

Edited by Fa!
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5b is coming along slower then anticipated, so I decided to repost 5a now. Apologies for all the delays, 5b should be up this weekend

Episode 5a: Person and The Iceberg

It's a ballsy, hot day in SBU where Person is out doing yard work while OMJ and Mama SG are chillin in the hot tub from last episode. 

Person - This sucks. 

OMJ -That lawn ain't pristine yet :troll:

SG - Jenks, it doesn't have to be perfect. You barely e- 

OMJ - Shush! He needs to step out of the house every now and then. 

Person - Wait, how are you enjoying that hot tub anyways? It's so fucking hot outside. 

Mama SG throws some soap at Person 

SG - Potty mouth! 

Person - Wait, the only reason you have a hot tub is cause of Ti- 

The image of Wumbo appears in person's head 

Wumbo - Mr. Ratburn will force feed you Cake till you choke if you say what your about to say... 

Person - Actually, never mind. 

OMJ: More hallucinations, eh son? 

Person just grumbles. 

OMJ: Maybe you can hallucinate some nachos up for us. 

Person: I do not have to stand for your heartless mockery! I'm going inside. 

SG: Not until your chores are finished, young man. 

OMJ: Let him go, SG. Listening to his bitching is enough of a chore already. 

Inside the house, Person is once again tinkering around in his basement lab as Metal Snake looks on and fans himself with a built in air vent. 

Person: Move a little closer to me and share some of that air. I'm burning... 

Metal Snake: Pfft, I'm good. 

Person: Whatever. I won't need it anyway when I'm done with my next invention. 

Metal Snake: A leaf blower? 

Person: lol that's only half of it, you silly metal gizmo. 

Metal Snake: Errr, what's the other half? Leaves? 

Person: .... Uh, hold on while I make some adjustment 

Moments later, Person's invention is complete and he heads over to Kat's house to show it off and impress her because shipping is unavoidable nowadays. He finds her relaxed in her own pool, along with Cha, not that it matters anyways to a self absorbed lad like him. 

Person - Sup Kat and Cha? 

Kat - ... Why am I not more disturbed that you know where I live? 

Person - I don't know lol. Anyhow, I made a snow machine 

Cha - But it's summer. Pretty nice summer day in fact. 

Person - Not for me. Anyhow, let's make it snow 

Person then fires the leaf blower, ice/snow machine high above the pool. 

For a second nothing happens as Person awkwardly is glared at by the girls. 

Kat - Can you leave now? 

Cha - OH SHIT! 

Several spoonfuls of vanilla ice cream fall from the sky all over the girls and the pool, creating an ugly sight. Even Person knew to get out of there with his invention before they attacked him. Stomping away in a mix of frustration and fear, Person tripped over something. 

CDCB – Watch where you’re going pal! 


CDCB: Uh, is your freezy vacuum supposed to bounce around like that? 

Person: What? 

Suddenly, Person's freezy vacuum-- 


...snow machine explodes, causing a massive down pouring of ice cream snow all over the face of SBU. Person awoke to see the entire town frozen over in snow and ice. But Person still wasn't happy with the weather. 

Person - Too cold. I guess I'll go to the XAT and complain 

Person then looked around and realized it was so covered in snow, that he had no idea where he was. 

Person - What will I do? 

Suddenly, a furry beast appeared before Person, nearly running him over before being controlled by his handler. Stepping down was a familiar user. 

Omair - Omf, not you! I was hoping you were Fa or Klt! 

Person - Do I look like a girl? :glare:


Person - Well I made it, so... 

Omair then briefly bows down to Person. 

Omair - May I call you, God? 

Person - No :glare: But you may take me to XAT. 

Omair then escorts Person on his wooly mammoth pet to the XAT. When they arrive at the XAT however, all they find is a mound of snow surrounded by the usual patrons. 


CNF: Dude, your imaginary friends had nothing to do with this. For some reason, it just snowed out of nowhere. 

jjs: In the middle of summer... 

Clappy: So now the XAT is covered and none of us can get in. 

Person: Hah hah hah. Oh you guys... 

jjs: Belay the awkward laughing! 

Person: Hah hah... lol, it didn't just randomly snow, guys. I made it snow with my snow machine. Isn't it great? 

Nuggets: Seriously? 

CNF: You idiot! 

Jjs: Let's eat him! 

JCM: What? 

Jjs: You heard me! Let's eat him! 

Trophy then lunges after Person and everyone else follows in a cannibalistic pursuit, while Omair honored the snow creator by giving him more free reign of his wooly mammoth 

Person - Let's head to my house! Dad will surely help me out! 


The two then arrive at Person's house where it is has became shambled and shackled as if it had been a rustic house from the 19th century. 

Person: Dad, help! I made it snow and everybody wants to ea-- 

OMJ: Oh son... did I ever tell you how much you look like nachos? 

Person: ...huh? 

OMJ: Wouldn't you agree, SG? 

SG: Absolutely. 

Person: This is no time to discuss my nacho-like appearance! I'm about to be eaten! 

OMJ: Damn right you are. 

OMJ and SG pull out forks and knives. Person flees in terror on Omair and his wooly mammoth, crashing through the wall of his house with his cannibalistic parents following close behind. Person falls off though and the mammoth charged away, leaving Person at the mercy of his cannibalistic family. 

Person - I never imagined that my death would come at the teeth of my own dad. 

OMJ - Oh I'm not going to eat you... JOHN CENA IS! 

Person is then escorted to a room with a John Cena wood carving and a torture table, which Person is quickly chained to 

OMJ - Oh lord John Cena, please accept the offering of our pathetic, nacho like son. 

Person - John Cena is not a god! He's a wrestler! 

OMJ - Do not question the Cena above! He will repeal the winter one day with his takedown moves 


Omair then crashes through the other end of the house, freeing Person and allowing him to escape on his own from his family as Omair still can't control the mammoth. Person then returns to Kat's backyard to check on her and finds her frozen in her pool. 

Person: You're not going to eat me, are you Kat? 

Kat: Well yeah, if I can ever get out of this stupid pool. 

Person: ... lol 

Kat: Stop lol'ing and help me, you jackass. 

Fa then appears out of the snow. 

Fa - Uh, I'm back from West Virginia and apparently it's Christmas already. That was quick. 

Person - Oh God not you again... 

Fa - Oh I'm sorry, am I interrupting something? :smirk:

Kat - :glare:


Fa - Yeah, your acting very suspicious, Person. I feel like I'm interrupting the warmest part of this Christmas spectacular :laugh:

Kat - Don't make me eat you too... 


Person is so embarrassed that smoke comes out of his ears and melts Kat's pool. She immediately gets out and smacks Person in the face. 

Fa - Before you kill me, I just realized, we could use Person's embarrassment to possibly end this winter Wonderland. 

Fa and the amigos then strapped Person to the Mammoth and charge to the XAT. 

Fa - Hopefully, you enjoyed Lover's Lane 


Person then melted the snow in front of him to the amazement of the cannibalized SBCers. 

Fa - But now we must draw you all, apart! 

The mammoth then launched Person into the snow pile and watched it melt completely away, as Person laid halfway unconscious over the XAT doors. 

Jjs - Open! The doors! They're open! 

Everyone ran in over Person's body into the XAT. Omair bid farewell to his wooly mammoth as he knew it could no longer survive in a warmer SBU, and all was well. 

Except, you know, the beating Fa got later. Person already got his so, after that, all was well once more.

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