President Squidward

i miss talking to you all. and i know things have simmered down, but i'm sorry for my behaviors I've shown on and off throughout the years. I really hate how I handled things at first with passive agressiveness, and trying to justify shit that is absolutely inexcusable. Slurs are absolutely above me, and I went way too far repeating slurs for laughs when it isn't funny. It's fucking racist, and that's something I don't want to ever be. And I'm fucking down I've hurt many friends of mine, and I understand everyone knowing I can be better than this, I will admit I got mad at Halibut for the first two months or so since I was still acting like an asshole and made things worse back in July until I finally shut the fuck up and took some time to think, but I regret it all and wish I was able to realize a lot of flaws during the riots (like jesus christ i hate how i sounded very ignorant during the start of the george floyd protests, where i was scared of shit going down in my city when i have no reason to, racial equality is a thing i support, and police brutality is something that needs to be stopped).

I know I've also looked manipulative (especially with my own crossover interests, constantly asking friends for art, and yes I appreciated of course, but it's my own ideas that I should really stop being insecure of doing myself in fears of sucking at it. I need to learn to draw and not bother others about my own hobbies), and I hate how I've always said and among some other things, but I just want to say, THANK YOU ALL FOR MAKING ME REALIZE I GOT STUFF TO WORK ON!

I have awareness of my wrongdoings, which is good, but I hate how I have trouble doing shit about it, and I still feel stuck on what to do to improve my own self, since I want to respect and have friends who I haven't given in return many times due to my own insecurities. 

I suck at wording my thoughts but I wanted to get this off my chest since I made myself more alone then ever and it's been affecting my online life OCD-wise where I can't keep my tweets/discord posts most of the time becuse some intrusive thought feels like it stays there until i delete it, so annoying, but that's for my therapist. 

I would love to return to discord, but I'm anxious I'm not ready yet due to ocd.  I hope everyone's doing okay still, and I'd love to talk because I have a lot of guilt of a lot of things and I think I just want to put it behind me and try to help myself become a better person.