The Glass: A Story By 8 Year Old CDCB

[CDCB]

Actual script written by me when I was 8. Basically there's no plot in the whole thing and it makes very little sense, but I was looking through it and I thought it was funny enough to post here. I changed a few names for family privacy, but I kept mine the same. All errors in spelling will be intact, and I'll be posting this in parts.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Episode 1: Rude Mama

 

Our cartoon opens with Christian drinking out of a glass. We then notice an army in the glass when the camera zooms in. We then see a guy in the army tap on the camera lens and say:

Guy: What is this thing????!?!?!!? Will it kill me?!?!?!? (optional) Will it kick/punch my butt/back?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!!!????!!! Will it burp?!?!?!? Will it cry?!?!?!? What will it do Mr. Camera Duh Guy!!!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

Camera guy: (Note: He says "Hey you dope!!!! You dimwit!!!! You stupid head!!!! You fool!!!! You idiot!!!! You bimbo!!!!! You dummy!!!!! You dork!!!!!" but we hear him say nonsense.) !@!#$$%$##@$##)#%^#$%^#%^#$%^!^~$$%@~~~$#^@^$@#$#^@#^@#^#$%^*$^&(*#%^@$%^@$%$#%#%^@$%@#%$@!!!!!!!!!!%$%$@@$@!######!!!!!!!!!

Guy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna tell my mama/mammy!!!!!!!

Camera guy: Duh!!!!! You have a rude mama????? <Gasp!> I mean mother????!!!!!

Guy: Shut up!!!!

Christian: What's going on?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!!!??!?!?!!????!!!!!

Guy/Camera Guy: Blah, blah, blah...

Christian: Duh!!!!!

Christian drops the glass and it...

Christian: Shatter already!!!! Shatter!!!!

The glass shatters

Christian: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!!

Christian sweeps the shattered pieces and throws them in the trash can

Christian: Now those ##$$$* will never get out of that @@@!$#$$#%$## trash can!!!!!!!

Guy: Hup! Hup! Hup, hup, hup!

Camera guy: ~2#$%^&*>?:"m<><><><><><><><><?!!!!

Guy: Hey!!!! Here's a rocket ship!!!! Now we can escape!!!!!

The camera guy hops in and the army guy means to press the start button but presses the let out the gas button

Rocket ship: <Sound effect of human going gas>

Audience: Eeeeeeeeeewwww!!!!!

The audience jumps into the screen and hits the army guy with a large hammer. The army guy then runs through the rocket ship creating an "army guy shaped" hole.

Christian: Yes!!!!

Mom, Sister, Grandma, and Dad wake up and...

Mom, Sister, Grandma, and Dad: Christian!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christian: What?

Sister: You got rid of my science project!!!!

Christian: I was only trying to save the glass!!!!

Grandma: GET HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

Christian: Bye!!!! HELP ME!!!!!

 

The End!!!

 

Christian: No!!! NOT YET!!! First I have to get saved!!!!!

Announcer: Yes! But why not a sequel?!?!!?

Christian: NO SEQUELS!!!!!!

Announcer: All right.

Christian: Thanks!!!!!

The "The End" disappears and the cartoon keeps running

Christian: No!!! Wait!!!!!

Dad: What?!?!?!?!?

Christian: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh never mind.

 

 

[MMM]

What is this.

 

Something hilarious, that's what.

[CDCB]

Thanks MMM! Here's the next installment...

 

 

Episode 2: You Are Not Female

 

Dad: We will call the police!!!

Mom: And tell them to put you in jail!!!!

Sister: For destroying my project!!!!

Grandma: And you can't do wrong again!!!

Christian: But...

Dad: No buts!!!

Christian: Butt dad!!!!

Dad: I thought I said no buts!!!

Christian: I said butt. Not but.

Dad: You just said but!!!!

The police come and throw Christian into jail

Christian: No!!!! Wait!!!!

Police: What?!?!?!?

Christian: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHH, nothing.

Police: Sir, you have the right to shut up.

Christian: Remain silent.

Police: Right.

Christian: Care for some tea?

Police: Shut up!!! You are not female!!

Christian: Oh yeah.

 

Commercial break

 

Commercial 1: Get the Christian bed now!!! It will do anything you say!!!

 

Back to movie

 

Cut to...

 

Jail

 

Christian: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Prisoners: Shaddap!!!

Christian: <BURP!>

Prisoners: AEIOU!

Christian: Some people are idiots too!

Jailers: Us?!?!?!? Idiots?!?!?!?!!!!???!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! We're gonna get our mamas!!!! And dada!!!

Christian: Duh. I am dumb. The camera shows goofy teeth sticking out of Christian's mouth

Prisoners: Hey!!!! It is time!!!!!!!

Christian: Right! (starts watching "Planet of the Apes" on a black and white TV)

The jailers see Christian and say

Jailers: Hey!! This is too violent!!!!

Christian: But...

Jailers: Well, just tell us... is that a rental?

Christian: Yes.

Jailers: We thought so!!!! You are free!!!!!

Christian: YES!!!!!!!

Jailers: Oh! And take that movie with you!!!!

 

Commercial Break

 

Announcer: Get the Christian lollypop!! The Christian bubblegum!

[OWM]

Looks like you had a wild imagination as an 8 year old.

[So Sejima]

what did you or me smoke to create/see this thing?

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

Well that was a pot trip.

[Metal Snake]

Eh, Twilight's a better love story. This is funnier though.

[CDCB]

Here's another one.

 

 

Episode 3: Our Dopes

 

Back to movie

 

Cut to...

 

Mom

 

Mom: Man I miss him!!!

Christian breaks the door down with a log

Mom: Christian!!!!!

Christian: I'm here!!!!

Mom: Well what happened??!?!?!?!!!!?

Christian: Oh, nothing.

Mom: You watched an "R" rated movie!!!!

Christian: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Mom: Go to your room!!!!!

Christian: DARN!!!!!!

Mom: SHUT UP!!!!

Christian:SHUT UP!!!!

Mom: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Christian:; BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Mom: <URRRRRRRRP!>

Christian: <URRRRRRRRP!>

 

Fade to...

 

Guy and Camera Guy

 

Guy: Glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue, glue.

 

Cut to...

 

Christian

 

Christian: Well, that's it!!!!

Mom: Yup!

Dad: Yup!

Grandma: YUP!

Sister: Yup!

 

Cut to...

 

Glass

 

Glass: Man those dopes have been mean!!

 

Cut to...

 

"Dopes"

 

Glass: Almost! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!

Dopes: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

The "dopes" run through the wall

Christian: My hero!

Glass: My friend!

Dopes: Our dopes!

Christian and the Glass start to walk off

Dopes: Not so fast!!!!!!

Christian: HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!

Glass: Nyah, nyah!!!

The "dopes" bag up the Glass

Christian: GLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glass: CHRISTIAN!!!!!

 

Commercial Break

[Squidward1066]

That was a bit...weird, but strangely entertaining. I can tell you were a very imaginative 8 year old.

[E.V.I.L.]

CD, I swear you are too funny. 

[So Sejima]

Eh, Twilight's a better love story. This is funnier though.

NO TWILIGHT IS NEVER A BETTER LOVE STORY

[CDCB]

Episode 4: Hole in the Wall

 

Back to movie

 

Christian: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZNOWIKNOWMYABSNEXTTIMEWON'TYOUSINGWITHME!!!!!

Dopes: Cut that out!!!!!!!

Christian: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Dopes: You can't escape!!!!!

Christian: Says who?!?!!?

Christian runs through the closed door and starts to save the glass

Dopes: Hey!!!!!!

Christian: Nyah, nyah!!!!

Dopes: He's getting away!!!! Get him!!!!!

Christian: <RAZ!!!!!>

Dopes: That's not nice!!!!!!!

Christian: <French accent> I'll lock the door.

Dopes: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Christian locks the door before the "Dopes" can get out

Christian: And now to save the glass.

 

Cut to...

 

"Glass Jail"

 

Glass: Oh well. I guess I'm just a dope.

Christian swings on a vine and goes through the wall leaving a "Christian shaped" hole in the bricks

Christian: <Trazan voice> AAAAAHEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glass: Where'd that vine come from?

Christian scoops up the glass

Christian: No time to explain!!! Let's just get out of here!!!!!

Glass: But the only way out is... THE WINDOW!!!!

Christian: Why can't we just go through the hole in the wall I made??!?!!?!!?!?!?!?!?

Glass: Glasses are only allowed to go through glass.

Christian: Why??!?!?!?!?!?

Glass: Never mind.

Christian: Let's go!!!!!!!!!!!

Christian and the glass start to swing on the vine

Christian: LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The two go through the window (make that in slow motion), shattering lots of glass. Christian notices a ramp.

Christian: LOOK OUT AGAIN!!!!!!!

Glass: Why?

Christian: We're about to go through the ground!!!!!!!!

Glass: I can still be safe. It's not like I'll shatter or anything.

The glass is wrong as we watch our heroes go through the ground leaving a "Christian and Glass shaped" hole

Glass:<SHATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!>

Christian: Glass!!!!

Shattered Glass: Christian!!!!!

Christian: OH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Squidward1066]

Did you seriously write all these as an 8 year old?

[CDCB]

Did you seriously write all these as an 8 year old?

 

Sure did. I'm actually retyping these from a 47 page script I printed out when I finished the story since the original file is long lost. With the exception of a few formatting changes to make it easier to read, this is exactly word for word what I wrote 10 years ago.

[MMM]

47 pages?

 

I'm in for a lot of lulz.

[CDCB]

Episode 5: Mole Wormy Poo

 

Shattered Glass: Do y-y-y-you have a-a-a-a-any glue?

Christian: Yes I do. Let me get it.

Christian reaches into his underpants and pulls out a jar of glue

Christian: There you go.

Glass: I feel all better.

Christian: Great.

Glass: Let's go!!!!

Christian: I'm afraid not.

Glass: Why?

Christian: THAT'S WHY!!!!!!!!

We then watch our heroes start to get attacked by "Mole Worms"

 

 

Commercial Break

 

Back to movie

 

Mole Worms: <mole wormy poo>

Christian: HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!

Glass: I --c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-can't!!!!!

Christian: NO! I mean someone in the audience!!!!

Glass: Oh.

 

Cut to...

 

Same scene but with shadow of audience

 

Christian: Hey Mac?

Mac: <Low, old voice> Yes...

Christian: Do you have a tissue?

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christian: Darn it!!!!!

Audience: <same line>

Christian: Hey!!! Why did the chicken cross the road?

Audience: <weird audio> No!!! Why did the chicken cross the road??

Christian: Because he wanted to <gun fires> me!!!

Audience: What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Christian: He wanted to shoot me!!!!!!

Audience: <applauding>

Christian: Okay, okay, okay. Knock, knock.

Audience: Who's there?

Christian: Wait a minute!! You can't do a "Knock Knock--<muffled>

Guy #2: Don't use that one!!!!!! I made it!!!!!!

Christian: Sorry!!!!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Christian: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" yourselves!!!!

Audience: Duh.

Christian: "Duh." Who?

Audience: No!!!! It's not a "Knock, Knock" joke!!!!!

Christian: It's not?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Audience: No. No! No!! No!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!\

Christian: I'm outta here.

Audience: Just tell us what you really wanted to say.

Christian: <screaming/talking fast> GETRIDOFTHESEMOLEWORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Audience: Mole worms?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

The audience is so scared that they run through the theater

Walls: <CCCRRRRRAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUMMBBBLLLEEEEEEEE!!!!!>

Christian: <laughing>

[CDCB]

Episode 6: The Kind of Sundae a Glass Has

 

Christian looks at the holes the audience made and feels sorry. He has nothing to do but sit in the messy theater. He stops laughing right away. He also has nowhere to sit down except for a big chunk of a hole in one of the walls.'

Christian: <stops laughing/sigh> I guess I was a little rude.

Christian looks at some china and watches it shatter into pieces. He also notices some broken windows some of the audience ran through. He notices an intact window.

Christian: Well, everything isn't broken.

Christian watches the window shatter into 1,000,000,000,000,000 pieces. He runs over to the shards to put them back together but they shatter again. Christian is lonely and almost dies.

Angel: Whoops!!!!! Wrong guy.

God: <smoke comes out of ears> ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!

Angel: Sorry!!!

God: That ain't enough!!!!! Now get back here!!!! I'll get someone else to do your job.

Christian: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!

Christian is now so upset that he screams:

Christian: ISN'T ANYONE GONNA HELP ME?!?!?!?!?

 

 

 

Commercial break

 

Back to movie

 

 

Christian waits for someone to come but still has his doubts. Christian then sees the Glass swing through a broken window.

Glass: Hurry Christian!!!!!

Christian: How'd you know about this?!?!?

Glass: I was there the whole time. Although I did have a "Glassdae" break.

Christian: What's a glass-day?

Glass: The kind of sundae a glass has.

Christian: Oh. How'd you get out of the screen?

Glass: We can also walk through glass.

Christian: Oh. Hey!!! Can I see what it is like out of the screen?!?!?!?

Glass: You already are.

Christian: Oh. How'd I do that?

Glass: I don't know. That scene has been deleted.

Christian: How do you know all this stuf?!?!?!?

Glass: Never mind that!!! Let's just find out why those dopes are being dopes!!!

Christian: Right with you!!!

Glass: Let's go!!!!!!

Christian: How do we get back into the TV screen?

Glass: Do you mind squeezing inside me?

Christian: No. Why?

Glass: You can't walk through glass so I am telling you to get inside me.

Christian: Why?

Glass: GET INSIDE ME!!!!!!!!

Christian: Ok.

Christian now hops into the glass

Glass: Here we go!!!!!!

They now get back into the TV screen. The two are back in the TV screen but the glass starts to crack.

Christian: Uh Glass? Are you OK?

Glass: <SHATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>

Christian: Oh no!!!!!!! Oh well, here's the glue.

Christian once again, glues the Glass.

Christian: There, that should feel better.

Glass: Thanks!!!!!

[CDCB]

Episode 7: Mickey Mouse

 

Christian: Look!!!!! Here's--

Glass: WHAT?!?!?!?!?

Christian: --my rubby ducky!!!!!! Oh, he and I were best friends!!! We always played together!!!!

Glass: But--

Christian: Oh well. We don't need him. Anyway, what I really found is--

Glass: Yes!!!!!!--

Christian: --my first diapee!!!!!

Glass/Audience: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

We can tell it stinks by the squiggly lines coming out of it.

Christian: Wrong one again!!!! What I really found is--

Glass: Don't tell me.

Christian: My underwear!!!!!!! My first, to be truthful. No!! Wait!!!! I found some vomit!!!!!!! Vomit?!!?!??!?!?!?!? Where'd that come from?!?!?!? *Throws vomit away* I found <honk!!!!!!> a tissue!!!!! Eeeeeww!!! Lot's of-- No wait!!!!! I found...ME?!?!?!?!?!? But I'm right here!!!!!

Glass: That's the first version of you, Christian.

Christian: Cool!!! Hey!! I found Walt Disney!!!!! I found Abe Lincoln!!!!!! I found George Washington!!!!!!

Christian picks him up

Christian: And he really does weigh a ton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I found...Mickey Mouse?!?!?!?!? He's not in this film!!!!! He's in the cartoons!!!!!!

Mickey: Here's some cartoons of mine!!!!!!!

Christian: Oh well, we could have a cartoon break. Hey!!! Check out these cartoons!!!!!!

 

 

Commercial break with cartoons

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pETFaokly0c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwGCj8kOr4g

[MMM]

THIS IS SO FREAKIN HILARIOUS