Ruty's Rapping Rampage

[Wumbo]

Thanks to Trophy and whoever that was in the xat for inspiration. (Check the archives.)

 

Coming soon.

[MMM]

These things never fail to lol me.

[Jjs Goodman]

I call copyright infringement.

[Wumbo]

I call copyright infringement.

I call protection under the rights of parody.

 

And friendly competition.

[Jjs Goodman]

I call protection under the rights of parody.

 

And friendly competition.

 

Looks like we're taking this to SBC Court.

[Wumbo]

I'll ready the dancing lobsters.

[SpongeOddFan]

I call protection under the rights of parody.

 

And friendly competition.

and Canadian, too.

[Elastic Dawg]

I approve so far.

[Clappy]

I approve of a rapper who types in all caps named ATL as one of the rapping crew members.

[Elastic Dawg]

Sassy can be like, Missy Elliot, but...sassier.

[Wumbo]

Prologue

 

One day, a kid named Ruty decided he would become the greatest rapper alive. With all his daddy issues, it’s either that or a stripper. Anyway, he left his house and changed his name to The Rut, as a metaphor for the rut he was in before he started this rapping career. That, and his name’s Ruty. Still better than Wacka Flocka Flame.

 

He started off his rapping career by hijacking a Lamborghini and assembling a rap crew. They include LT (real name: Louis Thomas), Stacy 56 (real name: Stacy Fitzgerald) Bo Boast (real name: Bo Green) JoDo (real name: John Doe), and Lobber M (real name: Leon McKenzie). They all had an aspiring goal to become the greatest rap group in history. So they hopped in the Lamborghini, and they were on their way.

 

Episode 1: 6 Foot 7 Foot

 

It was a cold stormy night. The Rut and his crew were driving, looking for record labels. Suddenly, another rapper appeared.

 

“What’s up?” the rapper asked.

 

“Yo, it’s Lil Wayne!” The Rut yelled to his crew. The crew clamored to the front of the Lamborghini, asking for an autograph.

 

“Alright guys, Weezy’s gotta get back to his mansion. Tunechi!”

 

“Wait!” The Rut pleaded. “Can we at least ask you some questions?”

 

“Alright, fine,” Lil Wayne replied, sticking around.

 

“So where do we go to get a record label, dawg?” The Rut asked.

 

“A… record label?” Lil Wayne asked.

 

“Yeah, you know, for rappers like us,” The Rut replied.

 

Lil Wayne just laughed his iconic laugh, piercing the ears of The Rut Crew. “Y’all ain’t rappers,” Lil Wayne insisted.

 

“Hey, is that a gun?” Stacy 56 asked. “I’ve never seen a real gun before.”

 

“Quiet!” Lil Wayne shushed. “Yall blowin’ my cover.”

 

“Mr. Police Officer?” Stacy 56 called. “Lil Wayne’s gun is bigger than yours will ever be!”

 

Lil Wayne looked gobsmacked as the officer walked up to him and frisked him for a weapon. He found the gun, and put Lil Wayne under arrest.

 

“#### ###### ####### ##### #####!” LT exclaimed. (He could only communicate in censored curse words.)

 

“Well, how was I supposed to know that he would be arrested?” Stacy 56 replied.

 

“Let’s roll outta here before we do,” The Rut insisted. He drove the car away.

 

“Hey, that was swag,” JoDo said.

 

“Don’t say swag,” Bo Boast insisted.

 

And The Rut Crew rolled on.

[Elastic Dawg]

This...is...fucking...brilliant...

[Wumbo]

Episode 2: Whip My Hair

 

The Rut and his crew continued to drive the Lamborghini. LT was on his Motorola cell phone, trying to make contacts, a feat made difficult because he could only communicate through censored curse words. He hung up the phone, spouting censored curse word after censored curse word.

 

“Hey! Who’s that?” Stacy 56 spotted a young girl standing on the side of the road.

 

The Rut stopped the car. He recognized the girl as Willow Smith. “Hey, I know you!” he exclaimed. “You’re Jaden Smith’s sister.”

 

“Haters gonna hate. I just shake ‘em off.” Willow Smith shrugged her shoulders to show her indifference.

 

“Let’s move on,” Lobber M suggested. “We don’t need to associate with rappers with failed careers.”

 

“Hey yo! That’s cold!” Willow yelled.

 

“So what? Just shake me off,” Lobber M replied.

 

Willow Smith whipped her hair back and forth, whipping Lobber M repeatedly. “Hey! Ow!”

 

“So Willow, what can we do so that we end up the exact opposite of you?” The Rut asked.

 

“You want some of this?” Willow threateningly pointed her dreads at The Rut.

 

The Rut gulped. “Moving on.” He put the car into drive and sped off. And the Rut Crew rolled on.

[Wumbo]

Episode 3: Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)

 

The Rut and his crew continued to drive the Lamborghini. LT was still not making any progress with his phone calls. He hung up once again, spouting censored curse word after censored curse word.

 

“You know, we really should get someone else to handle the contacts,” Stacy 56 suggested. The moment she said that. LT’s Motorola phone rang.

 

LT picked it up. “#### ##### ##### ####?!” he sputtered.

 

“Hi, this is Aaron Carter,” the other end said.

 

LT put it on speaker so everyone could get in on the conversation. “#### ##### #### ####!” he yelled.

 

“Aaron Carter? That guy hasn’t been relevant since… ever!” The Rut insisted. “Also, he’s not a rapper.”

 

“That’s where you’re wrong, buddy boy!” Aaron insisted. “I had a successful hip hop career throughout the late 90’s!”

 

“Oh, really? And how successful are you now?” The Rut asked.

 

“Well, I just filed for bankruptcy, actually…” Aaron admitted.

 

“That’s all we need to hear. Buh-bye!” The Rut hung up.

 

Aaron grew angry. “They can’t mess with me,” he vowed. “My songs were played on Disney and Nickelodeon! I WILL regain my fame!”

 

On the other end, The Rut gave a pep talk to his crew. “Look,” he insisted. “We can’t keep wasting our time on has-beens. We need to find a current rapper as our mentor!”

 

“#### ##### ######## ####!” LT screeched.

 

“I know you’re doing your best, but we need to give the reins to someone else,” The Rut replied. “Lobber M? Do you think you can handle the contacts?”

 

“Dude, you’re talking to Lobber M. With a rap name like that, how can I lose?”

 

“Prove it,” The Rut replied. “Get me… The Real Slim Shady.”

[Wumbo]

Episode 4: Berzerk

 

The Lamborghini rolled on. Lobber M was desperately trying to prove himself to The Rut by getting Slim Shady, but to no avail. Suddenly, a dark, shadowy figure jumped into the car. “What th-“ The Rut gasped.

 

“NOWTHISHITSABOUTTOKICKOFF, THISPARTYISWACK, LETSTAKEITBACKTOSTRAIGHTHIPHOPANDSTARTITFROMSCRATCH,” the figure bellowed.

 

“#### ##### ##########!” LT cried in confusion.

 

“JUSTLIKEIDIDWITHADDICTIONIMBOUTTO KICK IT!” the figure continued. He then jumped out of the car.

 

“What… was… that?” The Rut asked.

 

“Swag,” JoDo replied.

 

“Shut up, JoDo,” Lobber M said. “I don’t know what it was, but we’d better keep our guard on, should it come back again.”

 

“This would have never happened if I had been put in charge…” Stacy 56 insisted.

 

Suddenly, LT’s Motorola phone rang. Lobber M picked it up. “Yes, hello?” he said, still frightened.

 

A deep voice breathed into the phone, “Will the real Slim Shady… please stand up?”

[Wumbo]

Episode 5: The Way I Am

 

Previously on Ruty’s Rapping Rampage:

 

LT’s Motorola phone rang. Lobber M picked it up. “Yes, hello?” he said, still frightened.

 

A deep voice breathed into the phone, “Will the real Slim Shady… please stand up?”

 

---

 

Lobber M stared at the phone, unsure of what to say. “Who is this?” he asked nervously.

 

“I go by many names. Most know me as… Eminem.”

 

“OH MY GOD IT’S EMINEM!!” Lobber M quickly put the phone on speaker. “Hi, Eminem!” everyone said, except LT, who expressed his gratitude through censored curse words.

 

“Eminem, we’re a group of aspiring rappers,” The Rut said. “What advice can you give us to make us big stars?”

 

“Go berzerk, ALL NIGHT LOOOONG,” Eminem bellowed.

 

“What was that?” The Rut asked. “That doesn’t sound like the Eminem we know.”

 

“Are you bozos smart enough to feel stupid? Hope so,” Eminem continued.

 

“#### #### #### ####!” LT replied in confusion. He grabbed the phone and hung up.

 

“LT, why did you do that?!” Lobber M asked.

 

“Swag,” JoDo replied.

 

“Shut up, JoDo,” Lobber M admonished. “We had EMINEM on the line, and you just hung up?!”

 

“##### ##### ##### #####!” LT fumed.

 

“I think LT’s tryin’ to say that that wasn’t Eminem. And I’m inclined to agree,” Bo Boast replied.

 

“But what if it was Eminem? We’ll never get an opportunity like that again!” Lobber M cried.

 

“Let’s move on,” Stacy 56 suggested. “I’m sure we’ll find Eminem again.”

 

And the Rut Crew rolled on.

 

---

 

Meanwhile, Eminem stands on the edge of the sidewalk, looking at his cell phone. “No one messes with Slim Shady and gets away with it.” He puts the phone in his pocket, vowing to catch the Rut Crew and teach them a lesson for hanging up on him.

[Wumbo]

Episode 6: Faded

 

The Rut Crew was rolling on. Lobber M was looking at the cell phone, still upset that they hung up on who could have been Eminem.

 

Suddenly, the phone rang again. Lobber M quickly answered it. “Hello?”

 

“Hey, it’s Eminem!” Eminem replied. “You guys looking to find a hotel tonight?”

 

“No, we usually sleep in our car. Why?”

 

“Well, I’d really like to come meet you guys. Where will you be staying tonight?”

 

“At the intersection of Conch and Coral,” Lobber M replied.

 

“Excellent!” Eminem said. “I’ll meet you there.”

 

“Okay… bye.” Lobber M hung up the phone, then squealed with excitement.

 

“What is it? You’re ruining my concentration!” The Rut complained, trying to keep his eyes on the road.

 

“Eminem’s gonna meet us tonight!” Lobber M squealed.

 

Everyone was duly impressed. “Wow, how’d you manage that?” Stacy 56 asked.

 

“I guess I’m just that awesome,” Lobber M replied proudly.

 

“Look at that!” The Rut exclaimed suddenly. “Another rapper!” This one was Tyga.

 

“OMG, Tyga’s music is swag,” JoDo said.

 

“Stop saying ‘swag’,” Bo Boast insisted. “Especially when referring to that talentless ‘rapper’.”

 

“Hey man, don’t be hating on Tyga. He’s awesome!” The Rut said. “Besides, what does the only black guy in the group know about rap music anyway?”

 

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a comment,” Bo Boast replied.

 

“Shut up, Bo,” Lobber M replied. He called out to Tyga. “Hey, Tyga! Love your music.”

 

“Hey thanks man, that means a lot,” Tyga said, a smile on his face.

 

“Me too!” Stacy 56 said. She pulled up her shirt. “BE MY BABY’S DADDY!”

 

“Hey, want to join our rap group?” The Rut asked. “We could use your lyrical stylings.”

 

“Aw man… I don’t think I can do that,” Tyga replied.

 

“Why not? You don’t want to resurrect your career?” The Rut asked.

 

Tyga thought about it, then replied, “All right, fine.” He hopped into the car.

 

“No! This is not happening!” Bo Boast pulled out a gun and shot Tyga. Tyga died.

 

Everybody looked at Bo Boast. “Nicely done,” The Rut said.

 

“What?” Bo Boast asked.

 

“We knew you would have the cojones to shoot that talentless rapper,” The Rut explained. “We just needed to inspire you.”

 

“You guys are sick,” Bo Boast replied. He dumped the body out of the car, and The Rut Crew rolled on.

[Wumbo]

Episode 7: Boombastic

 

The Rut Crew was rolling on. The Rut spotted a rapper standing on the sidewalk. “I’m stopping the car.”

 

The rapper they stopped to see was Shaggy. “Hello,” he said in his well-known thick Jamaican accent. “They call me Mr. Boombastic, say me fantastic…”

 

“#### #### #### ####!” LT yelled.

 

“Yes, we’re all very excited to see Shaggy, LT,” Bo Boast replied.

 

“Hello, Shaggy,” The Rut greeted. “Tell us, what has made you so successful?”

 

“Hatchoo-sneeze!” Shaggy sneezed. He then told The Rut, “I get by on my thick Jamaican accent. People barely understand what I’m saying, but they think it’s sexy.”

 

“#### ##### #####!” LT yelled.

 

“What? You thought it was something more?” Shaggy laughed. “No, sir.”

 

“Wow, you’re a fraud.” The Rut looked visibly disappointed.

 

“I am not! I’m a capitalist. There’s a difference.”

 

“Fraud.”

 

“Capitalist.”

 

“Fraud!”

 

“Capitalist!”

 

“FRAUD!”

 

“CAPITALIST!”

 

“FRAUD!”

 

“CAPITALIST!”

 

“We’re wasting our time,” Lobber M insisted.

 

“Get out of my hood,” Shaggy ordered.

 

“This is not swag,” JoDo said remorsefully.

 

“Thanks for nothing, Shaggy,” said The Rut. And the Rut Crew rolled on.

[Wumbo]

Episode 8: Yonkers

 

The Rut Crew rolled along. Suddenly, they spotted another rapper.

 

“Hey, it’s Tyler… The Creator!” The Rut pointed out.

 

“Why the pause?” Stacy 56 asked.

 

“He’s got a comma in his name,” The Rut explained.

 

“#### ##### #### #####!” LT shouted.

 

“Okay, so maybe the pause was a little elongated…” The Rut admitted.

 

Tyler, The Creator just laughed when he saw The Rut Crew pull up. “What the hell are you supposed to be? Some kind of gay-ass Bruno Mars backing group?”

 

“No!... No!” The Rut stammered, too shocked by Tyler’s blatant rudeness to say anything else.

 

“What do you want before I stab y’all in ya goddamn esophagus?” Tyler growled.

 

The entire Rut Crew was left rendered speechless.

 

“Let’s… move along,” The Rut finally said.

 

“Too much swag,” JoDo said regretfully.

 

And The Rut Crew rolled on.

[Wumbo]

Episode 9: That’s How I Beat Shaq

 

The Rut Crew was rolling along. Stacy 56 remarked, “You know, I wish we could see Aaron Carter again. He was kinda cute.”

 

The Rut replied, “Don’t hold your breath. We probably won’t see him ever again.”

 

“Maybe you’re right,” Stacy 56 said, sounding a little disappointed.

 

Suddenly, The Rut spotted Aaron Carter with Shaquille O’Neal on the side of the road. “Well what do you know, Stacy? You might just get your wish after all.” He rolled his eyes at the thought of conversing with Aaron Carter again, but willingly pulled over.

 

“Hi, Aaron.” Stacy 56 batted her eyelashes at him.

 

Aaron ignored her and focused his attention on The Rut. “So, you thought I was washed up, huh? Well, I brought a very good friend of mine that would like to prove you otherwise!”

 

“Shaq?” The Rut laughed. “He’s even less relevant to rap music than you are!”

 

“Hey, my album Shaq Diesel was reviewed by the Rap Critic!” Shaq protested.

 

“Only because it was so bad!” Bo Boast pointed out.

 

“Sit down, man.” Aaron Carter rolled his eyes.

 

The Rut grew furious. “You do not tell my best friend to sit down!” he fumed. “YOU sit down!”

 

“That’s the best you can do?” Aaron laughed. He finally noticed Stacy 56. “I suppose your slutty groupie has her eyes on me?” he stated.

 

Stacy 56 snapped out of it. “Shut the fuck up, asshole!” she yelled.

 

“Hey, contain your swag,” JoDo insisted.

 

“JoDo’s right… even though he’s still using that word,” Bo Boast added.

 

“We don’t need this.” The Rut drove off, and The Rut Crew rolled on.