Chalet

[So Sejima]

like Trophycrantz always said Singing while hiding will kill thou

[Wumbo]

Should've listened.

 

Act IV, Scene I

 

Clappius is speaking with Dylanstern and Trophycrantz. "Remember to keep a watchful eye on Chalet," he instructs. "You never know when someone will rush in, screaming of her latest..."

 

"Clappius! Clappius!" Jelltrude rushes in, frantic.

 

"Right on cue," Clappius sighs.

 

Jelltrude notices Dylanstern and Trophycrantz. "May I please speak to the king alone?"

 

They exit. Jelltrude turns back to Clappius. "My lord, I have witnessed the most horrible of sights! This is worse than the death of John Lennon!"

 

"What, my dear? Speak specifically," Clappius replies.

 

"It's Chalet! She's as mad as the sea! She hates The Beatles, she threatens murder, and she killed Wumbonius!" Jelltrude weeps.

 

"Wumbonius!" Clappius cries. "Had it been me behind that curtain, I would have died for sure," he mutters. "Now how shall I tell of this tragedy to the rest of SBC?"

 

"What's that, my dear?" Jelltrude asks.

 

Clappius turns to Jelltrude. "We must ship Chalet to England at once," he instructs. "As well as find a way to explain this to the people of SBC. Dylanstern! Trophycrantz!" The two step up to the throne. "Ch\let has committed the most despicable of deeds - murder. The murder of Wumbonius, to be precise. I trust you both to find her and bring her to me."

 

"With speed, my lord," Trophycrantz replies. They exit.

 

End Act IV Scene I

[Ron]

"Halibutio" makes me think of fellatio.

[Wumbo]

Act IV Scene II

 

Chalet has just finished disposing of Wumbonius's body. "Safely stowed," she says.

 

"May we ask where?" Dylanstern and Trophycrantz walk up to Chalet. 

 

"The body is with the king," Chalet replies, "but the king is not with the body."

 

"God, stop talking nonsense," Dylanstern says. "It's getting really annoying."

 

"As is constantly questioning me so you can report back to the king," Chalet replies.

 

"Who told you? I mean, why do you say that?" Trophycrantz asks.

 

Chalet points a finger at him. "You sponge," she accuses. "Soaking up the king's countenance, rewards, authorities. Trying to secure a high spot on his Top 28 list. Let me tell you this: when he needs what you have, sponge, he will pick you up and wring you out. But let's go to the king. This should be good. She walks to the throne."

 

Dylanstern and Trophycrantz look at each other in confusion. "A sponge?" Dylanstern asks. Trophycrantz shrugs his shoulders.

 

End Act IV Scene II

[Wumbo]

Act IV Scene III

 

Clappius addresses a group of attendants on Wumbonius's death and sending Chalet to England. "And furthermore, it's obvious that Mike Myers was an awful Cat in the..."

 

Suddenly, Dylanstern and Trophycrantz appear with Chalet herself. "Ah, the woman of the hour," Clappius notes wryly. "Chalet, for the sake of the court, please reveal to us where you have hidden Wumbonius."

 

"He be-eth at the dinner table," Chalet replies. "For the worms of thy kingdom."

 

"Chalet, I have no time for this," Clappius seethes. "Your dialogue has more twists and turns than an M Night Shyamalan movie. "Now, please. WHERE IS WUMBONIUS?"

 

"You hath but two choices, m'lord," Chalet replies. "Either send a messenger to try and find him in heaven, or visit him yourself in hell."

 

"WHERE... IS... THE BODY?!" Clappius yells.

 

"Well, my king, since thou hast asked so nicely..." Chalet replies coyly, "the body of Wumbonius rests in the music hall. I figured it might be a good send-off for him, you see."

 

"My attendants," Clappius calls out to the crowd. "Find Wumbonius." The attendants exit. "Now, Chalet," Clappius continues. "We find that it is imperative that you leave for England immediately."

 

"With pleasure, my lord," Chalet says. She exits. Clappius turns to Dylanstern and Trophycrantz. "Escort her," he instructs. "Make sure the orders get carried out."

 

"Has a Gaga fan ever steered you wrong?" Dylanstern asks. "We'll get it done. Won't we, Trophycrantz?"

 

"Most certainly," Trophycrantz agrees. "They don't call me Trophy for nothing."

 

"I trust they don't," Clappius smiles. "Now, follow your orders out." The two exit, leaving Clappius alone. "Oh, Chalet..." He twiddles his thumbs. "Enjoy your fooling while you can, for eventually you will have fooled your last."

 

End Act IV Scene III

[Wumbo]

Act IV Scene IV

 

On a plain near SBC, Prince Crushingbras marches with his army, on his way through SBC to attack SBM. "Captain Nuggets," he calls out. "Go and confirm the king's permission to walk upon the land."

 

"With pleasure, my lord." Nuggets walks to the kingdom and on his way encounters Chalet, Dylanstern and Trophycrantz on the way to the ship departing for England. "Afternoon, lady and gentlemen," Nuggets greets.

 

"The same to thee," Chalet replies. "Where dost thou head on this fine afternoon?"

 

"I come from the army of Crushingbras," Nuggets replies, "to ask permission from your king to tread upon his land in order to attack SBM."

 

"What for?" Chalet asks.

 

"Oh, they stole one of our banners," Nuggets dismisses. "Anyway, I must be going." He ventures off.

 

Chalet looks on in awe. "Amazing," she marvels, "that such a bloody war can be fought over such little significance. And yet I have much reason for committing a bloody deed, and I cannot bring myself to do it. From this moment forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth."

 

"Hey! Primadonna!" Dylanstern calls out. "You coming or what?"

 

"Faith, faith, o patient one," Chalet scowls. "I come hither."

 

End Act IV Scene IV

[Wumbo]

Act IV Scene V

 

"No, I will not speak with him," Jelltrude insists. "I have better things to do, like paint my nails and listen to Revolution 9."

 

"Please, my lady," Halibutio insists. "Ever since the death of his father, SOFelia's gone... full imposter."

 

Suddenly, SOFelia enters, disheveled and covered with Phineas & Ferb merchandise. "WHAT'S YER OFFER?!" he yells.

 

"SOFelia, what troubles you?" Halibutio asks.

 

"MILK FOR ME LAWYER?!" SOFelia babbles, throwing his Phineas and Ferb dolls at Halibutio and Jelltrude.

 

Clappius enters. "Now, what's all the noise? I'm trying to take care and spike my..." he notices SOFelia. "...hair."

 

"AH CLAPPU!" SOFelia recognizes. "WANT TO PLAY PHINEAS?" He throws a Phineas doll at Clappius.

 

Clappius tsk-tsks. "Poor SOFelia," he laments. "Driven imposter by the death of her father."

 

"WE DONT WANT ANY?!" SOFelia yells, exiting.

 

"Oh yes, I forgot to mention," Clappius pipes up. "Ayaertes has returned from conquering France."

 

Suddenly, a loud bang is heard. "What ho!" Clappius turns towards the sound. "Guards! Guards!"

 

Suddenly, JCM pops up in another cameo. "Ayaertes brought a mob of commoners with her, my lord," he says. "They want her as queen."

 

Clappius stares at JCM. "Who are you?" he asks.

 

"Who I am is not important." JCM backs away to exit. "Just heed my word."

 

Clappius shakes his head. "Could anything else go wrong today?"

 

Suddenly, Ayaertes storms in with her sword. "Out of my America!" she says, pointing the sword at Clappius. "All of you!"

 

"Ayaertes, please try to calm down," Clappius insists. "Yes, your father has died..."

 

"...which had nothing to do with any of us, by the way," Jelltrude adds.

 

"Exactly! The person you seek revenge on is..."

 

Suddenly, SOFelia re-enters, still as disheveled as ever. "MILK FOR ME LAWYEEE?!" he screams.

 

Ayaertes gasps. "Dear brother! What's happened?" she asks.

 

"WHATS YER OFFER?!" SOFelia replies.

 

"Why, this must be because of the loss!" Ayaertes exclaims.

 

"Of which I am not responsible," Clappius reminds her. "If you would just listen to me, I shall tell you all."

 

Ayaertes fiercely glares at Clappius. "All right," she finally relents.

 

"Excellent." Clappius tents his fingers together. "Through this, justice shall finally be achieved."

 

"WE DONT WANT ANY?!" SOFelia exits.

 

End Act IV Scene V

[Wumbo]

Act IV Scene VI

 

Halibutio encounters two sailors, going by simply Dragiiin and Sex. "Hello," he says. "What brings you here?"

 

"Lol, we have a message from Chalet," Sex replies. He hands it to Halibutio.

 

"Thank you," Halibutio replies. "I will read it promptly."

 

"Who cares? We're just here to deliver it." Dragiiin and Sex exit.

 

"Wait!" Halibutio calls. "It says that you need to go to the king."

 

"Oh, right. The other messages," Dragiiin remembers. "Damn, I hate this job." They go to see the king.

 

Halibutio reads the letter.

 

Dear Halibutio,

 

I be-eth on my way back to SBC. Swashbuckling pirates captured the ship and have sent me back. Please escort the sailors to the king and queen, for there are messages for them as well. I also have much to tell of Dylanstern and Trophycrantz when I get back. I will be waiting in the countryside for you, Halibutio. Meet me there.

 

Foolingly yours,

Chalet

 

Halibutio pockets the letter and makes his way to the countryside,

 

End Act IV Scene VI

[Wumbo]

Act IV Scene VII

 

Clappius sits down with Ayaertes to discuss Wumbonius's death more calmly. "There's a good reason Chalet has not been punished," he explains. "It's not just a plothole. You see, the queen and the people love Chalet very much. And as a king and a husband, I did not wish to upset either of them."

 

Ayertes nods her head. "So you're a coward, then. And whipped, too."

 

"No, that's not what I'm-" Clappius groans. A messenger enters with a luscious beard, handing Clappius a letter.

 

"Thank you, Sir Terminoob," Clappius says. "But really, do something about that beard."

 

"The beard is a part of me. It's who I am." Terminoob looks disgusted and leaves.

 

Clappius shakes his head and opens the letter. It informs the king that Chalet is returning to SBC.

 

"Excellent." Ayaertes rubs her hands together in glee. "My revenge shall not be delayed."

 

"Yes, I agree that you shall have your revenge," Clappius tells her. "But there must be a way to do so without creating foul play."

 

Clappius then comes up with an idea. "Chalet has always been proud of her Squidly-covered sword," he states, "but never of her ability to use it. You, on the other hand, have been an inspiration to her. If you challenge her to a duel, she will most certainly not refuse."

 

"Well, the king of France was impressed by my ability," Ayaertes admits. "Before I sliced his head off, of course."

 

"Yes," Clappius replies, looking at her oddly. "And it is in that duel that we shall kill her once and for all! Your sword will be sharpened, rather than the customary dull one."

 

"I ought to poison it too, so that even a scratch shouls kill her," Ayaertes suggests.

 

"Excellent!" Clappius replies. "I also have a backup plan, on the very, very, very slim chance that Chalet should succeed. If she should, then I will offer her this poisoned glass of wine in celebration."

 

Suddenly, Jelltrude enters. "Ayaertes, I have the msot tragic of news," she says.

 

Ayaertes rolls her eyes. "Oh, what? Did Paul die for real this time?" he asks sarcastically.

 

"No," Jelltrude replies solemnly. "Your brother... in his mad grief, he has drowned."

 

Ayaertes gasps. "SOFelia?"

 

"The very one," Jelltrude says regretfully. "He... is N/A."

 

Ayaertes tries to hold back tears, but they come rolling down anyway. She flees the room.

 

"Follow her, Jelltrude," Clappius instructs. "It was nearly impossible to quiet her rage, and now you might have just re-awakened it."

 

"Oh well, pardon me for bringing the news of a death of a family member," Jelltrude replies sarcastically.

 

"You're excused. Now go!" Clappius points to the door. Jelltrude walks through.

 

End Act IV Scene VII

[So Sejima]

[Wumbo]

Just you wait. 

[Wumbo]

Act V Scene I

 

Two gravediggers shovel out a grave for SOFelia. ""Do you think he should be buried in the churchyard?" Kevin asks. "After all, his death looks like a suicide, and we both know that suicide is a sin."

 

"It looks like suicide driven by madness. Besides, IM CUTE LOL," E.V.I.L. replies.

 

"RAP MUSIC IS BLACK!" Kevin blurts out.

 

"What?" E.V.I.L. asks.

 

"Never mind," Kevin replies, suddenly ashamed.

 

Chalet and Halibutio watch the gravediggers from a distance. "Look upon those skulls, old friend," Chalet points out. "What do you speculate their lives to be? Lawyers? What cases do they solve now? Doctors? Whose lives can they save now?"

 

"We should ask who they're digging this grave for," Halibutio suggests.

 

"Grand idea, Halibutio," Chalet applauds. "Can't be any more creepy than just sitting here, watching them." They walk up to the gravediggers. "Pardon me, sir," Chalet asks, "but whose grave might this be?"

 

"Why, mine, ma'am," E.V.I.L. replies. "Because I am ADORBS LMAO, and I am the one digging it."

 

"Yes, okay. Thou might besteth me in this fooling game," Chalet admits. "But sir, I ask, who are you digging it for?"

 

"No one, ma'am," E.V.I.L. replies. "For the person occupying this grave is no more."

 

"Who was that person?" Chalet asks, starting to get frustrated.

 

"A young man, he was," E.V.I.L. replies. "Rest his CUTE LOL soul. Let me tell you, I'm used to it now. I've been digging graves ever since llamas were discovered. A glorious day that was, for certain."

 

Chalet picks up a skull. "That skull you have there," E.V.I.L. points out, "belonged to old Squidly, King Jenkins' jester."

 

Chalet drops the skull in shock. "Alas," she laments. "Poor Squidly. I knew him well, Halibutio." She scrutinizes the skull. "Be this each of our fates? To rot in the earth?"

 

Suddenly, a funeral procession enters, consisting of a priest, Ayaertes, and the king and queen. "Darn it," Chalet groans. "I was getting geared up for a good speech there. I wonder who has died. It seems as though the person's own life was taken, for the funeral rites seem hollow."

 

SOFelia is laid in the earth. Chalet gasps. "SOFelia?"

 

"I am sorry to the mourners," Priest Teenj states, "but as a priest, I think twice, but I act once. And I simply cannot give this young man a proper Christian burial, for he has taken his own life."

 

"Oh, what do you know about Christian morals? This poor soul was driven to insanity!" Ayaertes insists. She leaps into the grave, holding SOFelia's body in her arms. "And he was a brother, and the greatest one could imagine."

 

Chalet storms in  "You think your love for SOFelia can outmatch mine?" she tells Ayarttes. "You are a fool."

 

"The devil take thy soul!" Ayartes pulls Chalet into the grave, and they begin to fight.

 

"Clappius, do something!" Jelltrude insists.

 

Clappius pulls the two apart. "Stop! Stop!" He pulls Ayaertes aside. "Remember the plan," he whispers. "Save your rage, and channel it towards Chalet during the duel." Ayaertes nods.

 

Chalet storms off. "Follow her, Halibutio," the king commands. "Keep a watchful eye on her."

 

"Ay, my lord." Halibutio exits.

 

End Act V Scene I

[Cha]

That Squidly skull quote might be the greatest thing on this planet.

[Wumbo]

This is where it all goes down, folks!

 

Act V Scene II

 

Halibutio and Chalet walk through SBC Manor. "So how did you manage to get back?" Halibutio asks.

 

"Another letter," Chalet replies. The letter originally to be sent to the people of England stated that I was to be executed. I changed that to make a certain two treacherous snakes executed."

 

Halibutio gasps. "You mean..."

 

"Oh, I mean."

 

"Dylanstern and Trophycrantz?"

 

"The very two," Chalet states. "Don't start sobbing now, Halibutio. I hath no sympathy for these two. They betrayed me and catered to the enemy."

 

Chalet sits down and sighs. "I will, however, shed some regret for what I have done to Ayaertes. I shall no longer treat him with such hostility. After all, what be his motive but the same as mine: the death of a father?"

 

"Yo." A courtier by the name of Elasric enters. "You listened to this album?" He holds up a copy of Locust Abortion Technician.

 

Chalet looks over at him. "Good sir, thou mayst removeth thy hat in the presence of me."

 

"It's a little cold," Elasric replies.

 

"Nay, sir," Chalet counters. "It is unbearably hot."

 

"You may be right." Elasric removes his hat. "Anyway, I'm here because the king wants you to fight Ayaertes. and he's got money on you winning. And let me tell you, it will not be an easy match. Ayaertes is one of the finest swordswomen I have ever met. Her skill. Her grace. It's almost all too much..."

 

"Be-eth there any point to this, sir?" Chalet asks.

 

Suddenly, a lord enters. It's JCM in one more cameo. "Are you ready, Chalet?"

 

Chalet looks at him strangely. "Who art thou?"

 

"Why does everyone ask that?" JCM mutters to himself. "It doesn't matter. Are you ready to rumble?"

 

"Thou mightst wanteth to hold off on that line, as it hath copyright," Chalet cautions.

 

"Actually, it's 'LET'S GET READY TO-'" JCM begins.

 

Chalet slaps a hand over his mouth. "Yes, yes, thou art quite the eager beaver, art thou not?" she giggles. "Anyway, yes, I am ready to fight."

 

"Chalet, don't do it," Halibutio says. "I smell a trap as fishy as my name."

 

"Even if there be one, dear Halibutio," Chalet replies, "I am prepared for death. What might scare me then?" They all proceed into the hall where the battle will take place.

 

Chalet spots Ayaertes. "Dear Ayaertes," Chalet pleads. "I must ask for thy forgiveness as to the murder of you father, Wumbonius. It was an act of madness, not my own sense, that caused it."

 

"I cannot forgive you unless an elder advises me-OH WAIT MY FATHER'S DEAD," Ayaertes responds harshly. Chalet looks stricken, so Ayaertes softens her tone. "But I might just accept it with time."

 

They grab their foils. "If Chalet wins the first or second hit," the king insists, "then I shall drink to her health, and so shall she."

 

The duel begins, and Chalet strikes Ayaertes first. "I will not drink," Chalet replies, "until I win the second hit as well." She hits Ayaertes again, but the queen rises to drink. She sniffs it. "Mmm. What is this, strawberry?"

 

"Jelltrude, do not drink," Clappius pleads.

 

"My lord, do not deny me a drink," Jelltrude replies. "Especially after all the turmoil." She drinks.

 

Clappius looks on in horror. "It is the poisoned cup; it is too late."

 

As Ayaertes and Chalet gear up to fight again, Ayartes mumbles, "To wound and kill a fool who has asked for my forgiveness... nearly goes against my honour."

 

They fight, and Ayartes' tampered sword wounds Chalet with its sharp poisoned tip. They both drop their swords, and in the scuffle, Chalet ends up with Ayaertes' sword and wounds her back.

 

Jelltrude falls over. "Chalet, the cup! It was poisoned. Oh, what were Lennon's last words, so I can emulate them? 'Yeah.'" She dies.

 

Ayaertes looks over to Chalet. "Chalet, you are fatally slain as well," she admits, "as I have been. The sword has been tampered with, poison-tipped." She points to the king. "He is to blame for the tip and the cup."

 

Chalet cries out in rage, running Clappius through with the poisoned sword. "Help! Help, my followers!" Clappius pleads.

 

"Help? Why, art thou thirsty?" Chalet asks. She grabs the cup, which still has a little bit of poisoned drink. She forces most of it down his throat. "Drink up, fiend! Only the right treatment for the most righteous king." The king dies.

 

"Halibutio," Chalet tells him. "I am dying as well." She looks over at Ayaertes, who is in critical condition. "All is forgiven," she simply states, before dying.

 

The sound of marching echoes through the hall. "Sounds like Crushingbras, firing a volley to the English ambassadors," Elasric points out.

 

Halibutio glances at the remainder of the poisoned drink. "Chalet," he says, "I shall join you in the kingdom of heaven. It is only honourable."

 

"No, no!" Chalet replies. "For God's sake, we need someone to be alive after all this! Make Crushingbras the new king, and tell my story to those who ask for it. The story... of a vengeful fool." Chalet dies.

 

Crushingbras marches into the room with English ambassadors. "Dylanstern and Trophycrantz are dead," one calls out. "Never have I heard of such weird last requests. A Lady Gaga CD and a chance to take us under his... wing? Did anyone even know what that guy was saying?" The others shake their heads.

 

"I shall tell everyone the story of what you see here," Halibutio says. "In the meantime, Chalet has ordered Fortinbras to be the new king of SBC." He points to Chalet's deceased body.

 

"Well, it's a great responsibility, but I owe it to the Games Forum, which has so little activity here," Crushingbras replies. He piints to Chalet. "Carry her off like a true soldier," he instructs the ambassadors. They carry Chalet off, and Crushingbras is crowned king.

 

End Act V Scene II, and play

 

Well, that's Chalet! I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it!

[Cha]

[So Sejima]

meanwhile in the afterlife all demons inside the bad people go away and the dead live to be free forever. my ending idea