Chalet

[Wumbo]

One of the great masterpieces in Shakespearean tragedy... SBC style.

 

Act I, Scene I

 

"Who's there?" calls out Webarnardo through a foggy night.

 

"It's your mother! Stop guarding the kingdom of SBC, it's filled with naughty language!"

 

Webarnardo gulps. "Mom, I need to stay here!"

 

"Just kidding! It's me, silly!" Saucellus giggles. "I'm here to take your shift."

 

"Much obliged, ye of the false eyelashes," Webarnardo replies.

 

Saucellus looks visibly annoyed. "They're real!"

 

"Yeah, just like you said that 'ghost' is real." Halibutio steps into the scene. "I still don't believe you."

 

"What? You heard about the ghost?" Webarnardo gasps.

 

"Yeah, what about it?" Halibutio demands.

 

"It's all too real, my boy," Webarnardo tells him. "I saw it with my own two eyes. Scared the one-liners right out of me."

 

"I'll believe it when I see it," Halibutio insists.

 

"Then come with us." Webarnardo leads Saucellus and Halibutio to the place where he saw the ghost. "T'was right here in this forest where the ghost appeared before my visage."

 

"I was in this forest yesterday and nothing-" Halibutio begins. But suddenly, he sees the spirit. "O my sole," he gasps.

 

Saucellus giggles. "We told you so!"

 

"Quiet!" Halibutio whispers harshly. "Maybe we can try and communicate with it."

 

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a mysterious voice warns behind them.

 

Halibutio jumps like a fish out of water. "Who are you?" he demands.

 

"Oh, it's just me in a cameo." JCM steps out. "There are four guards in this scene."

 

"Oh," Halibutio replies. "So why shouldn't we communicate with it?"

 

"It doesn't respond!" JCM answers. "I even offered it a deal in my comedy sketch show, alongside the Grim Reaper!"

 

"It's true," Saucellus adds. "I even tried Saucenese. Nothing."

 

"Methinks I know who could possibly make this wretched spirit talk," Webarnardo suddenly pipes up.

 

The other three turn to him. "Who?" they ask.

 

"Princess Chalet," Webarnardo says.

 

"Why her?" JCM questions.

 

"I don't know. I haven't said anything for a while!" Webarnardo replies indignantly.

 

"It's worth a try," Halibutio admits. "Saucellus, you and I will talk to Chalet the following day. See what she thinks."

 

"I'm going back to guard the kingdom," JCM says. "You clowns should watch your step before you lose your jobs." He exits.

 

The other three look at each other. "No, seriously. Who was that guy?" Halibutio asks. The other two shrug their shoulders.

 

End Act I Scene I

[So Sejima]

That guy was not me. *others shrug*

[MMM]

Pretty good so far.

[Sweat]

Needs more Halibut Needs more Halibutio

[Old Man Jenkins]

I call Macduff

[Cha]

Do I get a prince?

[Wumbo]

I call Macduff

Wrong play. Don't worry, I have a character for you.

 

Do I get a prince?

 

Act I Scene II

 

King Clappius clears his throat. It is presently his job to address his people after recently becoming king. He heaves a great sigh, then stands up to deliver his speech.

 

"It is with great sadness," he begins, "that we mourn the loss of Braddah Jenkins, an avid wrestling fan like myself. We used to talk about wrestling day and night... but now he is gone, and we must move on from the pain. I have rightfully taken his place as king and..." he looks to his queen. "the beautiful hand of Queen Jelltrude. Together we will fix a broken people mourning the loss of an old, wise man. But there are other matters at stake. Young Crushingbras is planning to conquer the kingdom of SBC. To that we say, 'Fie!' With his post count well into quintuple digits, he will only help our cause. To heck with him."

 

Clappius turns to young Ayaertes. "Now, I believe you wanted to make a request of some sort?"

 

"Since you won't get out of my America," Ayaertes replies, "I have decided to create a new one in France. I trust they will surrender quickly."

 

"What says your father?" Clappius asks.

 

Wumbonius steps out. "First off, thank you for that unnecessarily long and somewhat spammy speech," he scowls. "Second, if Ayaertes wants to leave, she has my permission."

 

"Then it's fine with me. Take your leave, Ayaertes." Clappius now turns to his daughter, dressed in all black. "Now, my cousin Chalet, and my daughter."

 

"Hang your kingly head in shame," Chalet mutters.

 

"You're acting more foolish than usual. What issues press against you?"

 

"It is not the issues that press against me, but rather I choose to press against the issues," Chalet replies.

 

The crowd mutters in confusion. "What? It's clever wordplay!" Chalet insists.

 

"Good Chalet," Jelltrude speaks up. "Cast thy nightly colour off, and put on one of those Beatles shirts I bought for you. Yes, your Old Man is dead... and my former husband. But when I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: 'Let it be'."

 

"Ay, madam," Chalet admits. "The Beatles were skilled poets."

 

"If so," Jelltrude asks, "why not take their advice?"

 

"Because I find it hard to move on from my father's death, mother," Chalet replies. "You have The Beatles to escape to, but what do I have? I have to make my own music." She starts to sing. "HAAARK THE PRINCESS CALLS FROM HER TOWERRRR"

 

"All right, that's quite enough," Clappius cuts in. "Good Chalet, I realize how difficult it is for you. But we must learn to accept change, move on with our lives. It's an act against God Himself to wish against His will." Chalet hangs her head. "Now, as for your request to go to England... it is an act most retrograde to our desires."

 

"Actually, I didn't have much of a problem with it," Jelltrude admits.

 

"I was using the royal plural, dear," Clappius informs her. He turns back to Chalet. "Stay here, work on your singing. Please, work on your singing." He turns back to the crowd. "Court dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters."

 

As the dancing lobsters lead the King, Queen, and subjects to a royal seafood feast (admittedly cruel), Chalet stands alone. "O, what rotten life is this," she laments. "My father dead, my mother being wooed by Clappius' charms..." She turns her nose up in disgust. "Oh, and I do wish he'd stop referring to their lovemaking as 'preparing a jelly sandwich'." She shudders.

 

Halibutio and Saucellus arrive. "Hillo, ho, ho!" Saucellus calls.

 

"What is that, Saucenese?" Chalet asks.

 

"No, I'm calling like a falconer. And you're supposed to..." Then Saucellus remembers. "Ohhh. I don't do that until the fifth scene. My bad!"

 

"Princess Chalet," Halibutio begins. "We have seen something that we felt should be brought to your attention."

 

"What?"

 

"It is a ghost," Halibutio replies.

 

"Come on, Halibutio. I know you don't believe in ghosts," Chalet smirks.

 

"I didn't! But now I do, because I saw one with me own two eyes!" Halibutio insists. "Come with us after sundown. We will show you to this ghost."

 

"Why me?" Cha asks.

 

"Because we feel you will be the one who can communicate with it," Halibutio replies.

 

"All right," Chalet relents. "But I swear, if this is a prank, I'm not in the mood."

 

"You mean like the prank where SpongeBob characters roamed the palace?" Saucellus pipes up.

 

"Sure, whatever."

 

"Honestly, it's not a prank," Halibutio insists. "But you'll find out for certain tonight, of course."

 

End Act I Scene II

[MMM]

Still pretty good.

[Wumbo]

Act I Scene III

 

Ayaertes is preparing to leave for France. But first, she must bid her brother SOFelia goodbye.

 

"Dear brother," Ayaertes begins. "Keep yourself safe while I am gone. Oh, and stay away from Chalet."

 

"um ok but what about chalet?" SOFelia asks.

 

"Didn't I just mention her?"

 

"yes, yes you did :P"

 

"Stay away from her. I know her jesterly charms are hard to resist... but she cannot be trusted. Royal fools usually can't."

 

"ah but she is princess?" SOFelia reminds her.

 

"Yeah, but you know that kind of persona she puts on sometimes," Ayaertes replies. She looks over her brother's shoulder. "Here comes Wumbonius."

 

"Yet here, Ayaertes?" Wumbonius asks. "Aboard, aboard! It is imperative that you are swift with your journey, like I am with insulting popular music."

 

"Okay, I was just leavi-"

 

"But wait!" Wumbonius interjects. "I must give you advice. Make sure to not reveal too much about yourself before conquering France. It's best to keep a low profile. Also, be frugal with your money. Only lend if you are certain it will help your cause."

 

"Dear father," Ayaertes assures him, "No one's thrifty as Gaston. I'll be fine."

 

"Fine then. Get out of my America!" Wumbonius jokes.

 

Ayaertes narrows her eyes at him. "Don't even joke," she warns. She turns to her brother. "Farewell, SOFelia, and remember what I have said to thee." She leaves.

 

Wumbonius rolls his eyes. "Look at that. Left out of the loop again," he mumbles. "Okay, I'll bite. SOFelia, what was it that Ayaertes told you?"

 

"um that i should stay away from chalet, but she is jester phineas," SOFelia pleads.

 

"Yes, well...she's absolutely right," Wumbonius replies. "Chalet is nothing but trouble. She's the type of girl who loves you for your foolishness, and then leaves you when she finds a foolier fool."

 

"JCM, that's gross," SOFelia insists.

 

"Indeed," Wumbonius replies. "That's why you should stay away."

 

"um ok Admiral Wumbonius," SOFelia says. "thx"

 

"Hey, we Canadians have to stick together."

 

End Act I Scene III

[Wumbo]

Act I Scene IV

 

Chalet watches through a window as King Clappius and his subjects party with water, the official drink of SBC. She tsk-tsks. "Look at that," she mutters. "This is an embarrassment to our entire community! Why, Crushingbras could sweep the kingdom right out from under their feet right now and nobody would even notice!" She shakes her head.

 

"Chalet, that's not why we're here," Halibutio reminds her.

 

"Then why are we here?" Chalet asks. "I thought you saw the ghost in the forest."

 

"I did, but... yeah, why are we here? Webarnardo?" Halibutio turns to him.

 

"Hey, don't look at me. I wasn't there when you talked to her," Webarnardo defends himself.

 

"Saucellus?" Halibutio asks.

 

"Well, I just liked the view!" Saucellus pouts. "You can see Jared Padalecki's muscles from here." She drools.

 

Halibutio looks out, then looks back. "No you can't," he insists.

 

"Really? Wow, must've been my mind's eye," Saucellus replies dreamily. "Well, let's go to the forest then!"

 

Halibutio rolls his eyes, but he, Webarnardo and Chalet follow Saucellus into the forest.

 

Chalet takes a step further into the forest. She gasps. "Methinks I see it," she informs them.

 

"Told you so," Halibutio smirks.

 

"Hey! That's my line!" Saucellus insists.

 

"Quiet!" Chalet replies. She looks closer at the ghost. "It appears to be beckoning me," she says. "I should follow it."

 

"Chalet, I advise against it," Halibutio insists. "We don't know if the spirit is good, bad, or Regular SpongeBob."

 

"I trust it," Chalet replies as though in a trance. She begins to walk towards the spirit.

 

"Chalet, no!" Halibutio holds her back.

 

:"Hold off your hands!" Chalet insists.

 

Halibutio looks back. "Webarnardo, Saucellus, help!"

 

Webarnardo and Saucellus try to help restrain Chalet, but she breaks free of all three of their grips. "By heaven," she says, drawing her Squidly-covered sword, "I'll make a ghost of him that lets me!"

 

Halibutio is confused. "Lets you? Lets you do what?" he asks.

 

"No, it actually means, 'holds me back', believe it or not," she laughs. "Shakespearean language! What a hoot." She suddenly turns serious, and marches towards the ghost.

 

Saucellus and Halibutio look at each other. "We should follow her," Halibutio concludes. "It is our duty to the throne."

 

"I'll come too!" Webarnardo insists.

 

Halibutio smirks. "Doesn't your mom want you back in time for curfew?" he jokes.

 

"Oh yeah, you're right," Webarnardo leaves. "Seeya!"

 

Halibutio looks at him strangely. "How did he become a night watchman?" he asks Saucellus, who has a dreamy look in her eyes. Halibutio shakes her. "Stop thinking about Jared Padalecki! Let's go!" They follow behind Chalet.

 

End Act I Scene IV

[Wumbo]

Act I Scene V

 

Chalet follows the ghost deeper into the woods. "O wretched spirit," she pleads, "what couldst thou possibly want from me?"

 

"Wretched spirit? Wanna fight about it?" a familiar voice bellows.

 

Chalet is shocked. "Old Man Jenkins?"

 

"Can't get much older than a ghost," Jenkins jokes. "Yes, it's me, young Chalet. I have something very important to tell you..."

 

"Is it about how you died?" Chalet asks.

 

"Well, there's that, but more importantly, I got to meet Macho Man Randy Savage in heaven!" Jenkins replies.

 

"But if you went to heaven... why are you here?"

 

Jenkins' face turns serious. "Because justice must be prevailed," he says.

 

"What do you mean?" Chalet pleads.

 

"I must reveal to you how I died," Jenkins replies. Flashback to Jenkins' death. "It was a day like any other day. I was watching wrestling on ye olde television."

 

"Ye olde television?" Chalet asks, back in the present.

 

Jenkins leans in closer. "It wasn't flat-screen," he replies ominously.

 

Chalet gasps. Jenkins continues his story. "So there I was, watching wrestling. And then Clappius walks up behind me.

 

"Clappius?" Chalet gasps.

 

"Stop gasping, my girl. It's bad for your lungs," Jenkins reprimands. "Anyway, so he walks up behind me and gives me a sleeper hold. We used to do it all the time when we were kids... anyway, I fell right to sleep. That's when it happened."

 

"When what happened?" Chalet asks.

 

"That's what I'm trying to tell you!" Jenkins says, a little irritated now.

 

"Sorry," Chalet replies sheepishly.

 

"So he got a vial of poison and poured some right into my ear. I died almost instantly. I never thought he'd turn heel on me so quickly."

 

"Turn heel? Is that another Shakespearean term?" Cha questions.

 

Jenkins laughs right in her face. "Hahahahaha... no."

 

"Wait a second!" Cha accuses. "How do I even know you're the real deal here? You could be a false spirit, conveying an image of my dad!"

 

Jenkins leans in close to her ear. "Take care..." he begins.

 

Chalet listens attentively. "...spike your hair," he finishes.

 

Chalet gasps. "It is you! Oh, dad. What have they done to you?"

 

"I just told you!" Jenkins yells. "Sheesh!"

 

"Right," Chalet replies. She suddenly becomes angry. "Why, that despicable, intolerable, wretched beast! And my mother! How dare she..."

 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jenkins interrupts. "I won't hear any smack talk about your mother. It's King Clappius that you want to exact your revenge on. Treat your mother right. Understand?"

 

Chalet gulps. "Understood," she replies.

 

"Avenge me, young Chalet. Aveeeennnnnnggggeeeee meeeeeee..." He disappears.

 

Chalet takes some time to piece together what had just happened. "He must be stopped!" she proclaims. "What should I do? What should I do? I know! I'll feign madness for some reason! Then I'll kill him! What could possibly go wrong with that? I can't see how it would be detrimental to any of my relation..."

 

"Chalet!" Halibutio calls from the darkness. "Chalet!"

 

Chalet looks behind her, where Halibutio and Saucellus are coming from. "Hillo, ho, ho!" Saucellus calls.

 

Chalet smiles. "Hillo, ho, ho!" she calls back.

 

"Yes! It worked this time!" Saucellus smiles. "So, what happened with the ghost?"

 

"Oh hear me Sauce, for I must floss, to get out the feathers of albatross," Chalet sings.

 

Saucellus is confused. "...What?" she asks.

 

"Oh, I suppose I can tell you," Chalet says. "Would you like to know what the ghost said?"

 

"Yes!" Halibutio and Saucellus reply.

 

"Before I tell you, you must swear by my Squidly-covered sword that this gets out to nobody else," Chalet insists. She pulls out her sword. "Swear by my sword."

 

A volcano erupts in the distance. "Swear." Jenkins warns.

 

Halibutio and Saucellus, now terrified, swear. "Okay," Chalet replies. The volcano calms down, and Jenkins' presence disappears. "My father was the ghost... he was murdered... by King Clappius"

 

Halibutio and Saucellus gasp. "Yeah, I did the same thing," Chalet says. She continues. "I'm going to avenge his death by killing the king."

 

"How will you do it?" Halibutio asks.

 

"I'm going to feign madness," Chalet replies.

 

"But that makes no sense!" Saucellus insists.

 

"That's the idea," Chalet smiles.

 

End Act I Scene V

[Wumbo]

Act II Scene I

 

Wumbonius has instructed his servant Jjnaldo to spy on Ayaertes. "Make sure she's not wasting all the good Monopoly money I gave her," he instructs.

 

"Of course, my lord," Jjnaldo replies.

 

"And go along with her instincts. Do the things that she wants to do. Even if it means watching wrestling and instigating revolution, possibly at the same time," Wumbonius continues.

 

"I much prefer watching Nickelodeon, but you're the boss," Jjnaldo admits.

 

"Go to, Jjnaldo," Wumbonius insists.

 

"As you wish, my lord." Jjnaldo exits.

 

SOFelia enters, visibly upset. "um Admiral Wumbonius there is thing that say," he sputters.

 

"What is it, my boy?" Wumbonius asks.

 

"chalet is foolish jester phineas," SOFelia replies.

 

"I'm well aware of that, but why are you so upset? Haven't you been staying away from her like I asked? And you're one of the only ones that actually listens to me!" Wumbonius replies.

 

"no chalet came up to me," SOFelia cries. "she held me close and calls me fool, then release"

 

"Why, Chalet must be madly in love with you!" Wumbonius states. He smiles. "Of course. Love is why she's been acting so strangely as of late. Love makes people do crazy things. It makes Rihanna get back with Chris Brown, and it's making Chalet behave erratically!"

 

He gets up. "I will tell the king about what happened," he says. "We'll put an end to this Cha-rade." He giggles. "Really, I'm too clever for my own good," he says. Then he exits.

 

"but admiral what about my loss of innocence," SOFelia calls. But Wumbonius has already left. "I WAS FUCKED TODAY," SOFelia yells.

 

End Act II Scene I

[So Sejima]

poor SOFeila

[Wumbo]

Act II Scene II

 

King Clappius and Queen Jelltrude welcome Dylanstern and Trophycrantz, two of Chalet's childhood friends, to the community.

 

"Dear friends," King Clappius states, "Chalet is in a fit of despair that neither I nor the queen have been able to shake off. We were hoping that you two could try and cheer her up, or at least discover why she is brooding. I haven't felt this helpless since I reviewed Garbage Pail Kids."

 

"I bet all she needs is some Lady Gaga," Dylanstern theorizes.

 

"No, what she needs is to be reminded what a prize of a friend she has in me!" Trophycrantz insists.

 

"Well, whatever it, is, try to get her out of despair," the king instructs. "I trust in you both."

 

"Please help my poor daughter," Jelltrude pleads. "It's not much fun when the submarine appears more blue than yellow."

 

Dylanstern and Trophycrantz look at each other strangely. "Oh, you know me. It's a Beatles reference. Now off with you!" Jelltrude sends them away. She sighs. "It's not easy to deal with these uncultured swines, dear Clappius," she laments.

 

"I know, but we must figure out what's troubling our daughter. Even if it means we have to talk to..."

 

"Helloooooooo!" Wumbonius steps into the room.

 

"Oh, for God's sake." Clappius buries his head in his hands. "What is it, Wumbonius?"

 

"Two things," Wumbonius states. "First of all, do you remember the two ambassadors you sent to check on the state of Crushingbras?"

 

"Of course I remember them, you fool!" Clappius replies, irritated. "You think I don't know what I'm doing?"

 

"Sir, you hide it very well," Wumbonius replies. "Anyway, here they are!"

 

Cordelius and Voltimandy step in. "Good!" Clappius replies. "Let me talk to them." He calls the two ambassadors up to the throne. "My dear friends, what have you found?"

 

"They don't seem to have any interest in attacking us," Cordelius replies. "Kind of like how I lost interest in coming here."

 

"Indubitably, their visual indifference suggests a well-guarded facility for our state of community," Voltimandy adds.

 

"In English, please?" Clappius asks.

 

Voltimandy turns red. "What she said," she admits.

 

"So Crushingbras is asking permission for free passage onto SBM, where he can really cause some damage," Cordelius continues.

 

"Well, as long as we're not being attacked, I'm all for it!" Clappius replies. "But I will see to this later. Thank you both."

 

"With pleasure, my lords," both say in unison. They exit.

 

Clappius pulls out a mirror and begins to look at himself in it. "Embrace your inner Chandler. Embrace your inner Chandler," he repeats.

 

"Um, sir?" Wumbonius asks. "I had two points, remember?"

 

"I thought your two things were the two ambassadors. Sorry, should have been more specific! Away with you." Clappius waves him away.

 

"It's about Chalet, my lord!" Wumbonius replies.

 

Clappius stops and looks back at Wumbonius. "What about her?" he asks.

 

"Methinks I've found the cause of her madness!" Wumbonius insists. "The princess is mad...ly in love with SOFelia!"

 

"Oh, really?" Clappius rolls his eyes.

 

"Read these love poems if you don't believe me," Wumbonius replies, giving them to the king and queen. "If only the mainstream artists of today could write like this..."

 

The king and queen read them over. "My goodness!" the queen remarks. "It's a lyrical quality that can only be outmatched by the Fab Four!"

 

"What do you propose we do?" Clappius asks Wumbonius.

 

"We get SOFelia and Chalet together," Wumbonius says. "See if there are truly any sparks."

 

"Speaking of Chalet, here she comes," Jelltrude exclaims, pointing to a corner that Chalet is rounding.

 

"Leave her to me," Wumbonius replies. "I will see if I can get any information out of her. It'll be like one of those Ask Me threads, only not nearly as pointless.   "

 

The king and queen exit, and Wumbonius is left alone with Chalet. "Fine day today, isn't it?" Wumbonius calls out.

 

"I would not fine a day if the day did not owe me so," Chalet replies, disgruntled.

 

"Be straight with me, my dear," Wumbonius insists. "You do know who I am, right?"

 

"Of course, sir. You are a fishmonger," Chalet replies.

 

"Surely you recognize the king's advisor," Wumbonius replies. "And, might I add, father of SOFelia."

 

"Ah yes, SOFelia," Chalet recognizes. "A fool for a fool, might I say."

 

"There's method to this girl's madness," Wumbonius mutters to himself. "And madness it must be, for what sane person would call me a fool?" He turns back to Chalet. "I must... go do... advisor-ly things." He exits.

 

As he exits, Dylanstern and Trophycrantz enter. "Hey, bitch," Dylanstern greets.

 

"Why, Dylanstern and Trophycrantz!" Chalet returns. "What brings you two here?"

 

"Why, we heard you were feeling down so I brought some Lady Gaga to help cheer you up," Dylantern replies. "anybody got a CD player?"

 

"And I came here to remind you that I am a trophy, and you are very lucky to have me as a friend," Trophycrantz continues. "Also, I'll take you under my wing if you know what I'm saying."

 

"But friends, did you come here under your own jurisdiction, or were you sent for?" Chalet asks.

 

"What does it matter? We're here!" Dylanstern replies.

 

"Just answer the question!" Chalet thunders.

 

Dylanstern and Trophycrantz look at each other. "We were sent for," Trophycrantz admits.

 

"I suspected as much," Chalet sighs. "O, I have entered into a state of mind where not even the Nostalgia Critic can cheer me up."

 

"Well, how about a multitude of actors, then? Trophycrantz gestures towards actors entering. "They're highly skilled at what they do."

 

"My friends," Chalet replies, ignoring the actors, "You are welcome to stay in SBC. But take everything Clappius and Jelltrude say with a grain of sea salt. I am only mad some of the time."

 

Wumbonius walks back in with the actors. "Good Chalet, I ask that you give a warm welcome to our actors," he instructs.

 

Chalet walks up to the lead actor. "Good sir," she says, "I welcome you to this most foolish kingdom. But I must see your skill."

 

"My name is Calvin Reynolds," the lead actor replies. "I have a wife named Sara, and together we have three beautiful children, all named after Beatles songs."

 

"Wow, you're good!" Chalet congratulates. "I feel like I could believe that for a couple years if you kept it up!"

 

The lead actor bows. "But let's get down to business," Chalet continues. "Wumbonius, please escort these talented actors to their guestrooms. I expect to hear great things about the play tomorrow. Oh, and I want to add in an extra scene. I trust that won't be too much trouble."

 

"No trouble at all, my boy!" the lead actor replies as he is escorted to his room.

 

Chalet turns to Dylanstern and Trophycrantz. "I will be off, to write the new scene. Make yourselves at home, friends." She leaves.

 

She shuts the door behind her. "I can't believe it," she says in disgust. "These actors can conjure up a new character like it's nothing, yet I can't even follow through on my revenge plot! I will expose the king for the awful being that he is. If I write a scene that re-enacts my father's death, the king is sure to show some sign of guilt! Yes, the play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king."

 

End Act II Scene II

[Wumbo]

Act III Scene I

 

Dylanstern and Trophycrantz step into court to discuss with the king and queen what they have discovered about Chalet. Which is to say, not a lot.

 

"You've got to be kidding me!" Clappius rages. "I specifically asked you two to find out what's troubling Chalet, and you come up with nothing?"

 

"Chalet speaks in rhymes and rhythm, sir," Dylanstern maintains. "Rhymes and rhythm that not even the great Gaga herself could decipher."

 

"I believe you meant to say 'McCartney'. Or 'Lennon'. Or even 'Harrison'," Jelltrude corrects him.

 

Dylanstern glares at the queen. "I know what I meant."

 

"But what we did find out," Trophycrantz quickly cuts in, "is that Chalet seems to have great enthusiasm towards the actors. This may be the key to ending her melancholy."

 

"Well, I much prefer criticizing movies to plays, but if it's the key to ending Chalet's misery, so be it," the king relents. "Thank you, Dylanstern and Trophycrantz."

 

"Our pleasure, my lord," they say in unison, exiting as Wumbonius and SOFelia enter. Clappius sighs. "Jelltrude my dear, you may want to leave. This could get idiotic."

 

"If ever there was a better excuse to go paint my nails..." Jelltrude wastes no time leaving.

 

Clappius addresses Wumbonius. "All right good sir, what's the plan?"

 

Wumbonius turns to SOFelia. "All right, do you remember the drill?"

 

"yes, yes i do" SOFelia replies.

 

"All right," Wumbonius states. "SOFelia here will walk around the lobby, where Chalet will soon enter. We will see if it is love in the air, or pure madness."

 

Just then, Chalet enters. "Quick, let's hide!" Wumbonius and Clappius find a place to hide while Chalet laments.

 

"To be, or not to be," Chalet says. "That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the fools of life, or find out what fools we may need to suffer in the afterlife. It is a slippery slope of pain and woe, but only those who pass shall ever know. We try to put up with the downs of life, and even the things that may cause us strife-"

 

"For God's sake, cut her off!" Wumbonius whispers to SOFelia. "She's talking a poetry anthology over there."

 

"um ok adrmial." SOFelia stumbles into Chalet's path. "chalet, i my need to have words with you"

 

Chalet stops her soliloquy and looks at SOFelia. "Yes?" she asks.

 

"it's not that you haven't been doing a good job around here, it's just oh there you are perry," SOFelia babbles.

 

Clappius smacks Wumbonius upside the head. "What did you tell him to do?" he demands.

 

"Let's let it run its course." Wumbonius rolls his eyes.

 

"SOFelia, I pray that you talk sense," Chalet demands.

 

"here!" SOFelia throws Phineas and Ferb merchandise at her. "these i wish to return!"

 

Chalet looks at the tokens of love. :But my dear, I never gave you any of this," she says.

 

"but you were!" SOFelia protests.

 

"No, I didn't," Chalet insists, "For these tokens come from a foolish woman who did love you so, and that woman is long gone."

 

"what is meant?" SOFelia asks.

 

"Get thee to a monastery," Chalet grumbles. "Do not pollute the gene pool with the wretched genes of man."

 

"my jeans are just fine um lol," SOFelia replies.

 

"No mo marriage!" Chalet thunders. "In fact, let's end all marriages! Such a meaningless milestone. I'd rather wait for the next thatguywiththeglasses review to come up!" She storms out.

 

"o what a beautiful mind," SOFelia laments. "love has made the chalet crazy for phineas"

 

Clappius and Wumbonius step out. "Love? Nay, this is far from love, and far from insanity. This is just flat-out depression. Perhaps Chalet does need to go to England, to clear her thoughts," Clappius admits.

 

"I agree, but only in part," Wumbonius adds. "Chalet is so blindly in love she doesn't even realize it."

 

Clappius stares at Wumbonius pityingly. "You really don't know how to let something go, do you?"

 

"Look, we'll give it one last shot," Wumbonius suggests. "After the play, send Chalet to Jelltrude's chamber, where I can hide and see if she confesses anything to her mother."

 

"Fine," Clappius relents. "I guess it's important to keep an eye on her at all times."

 

End Act III Scene I

[Wumbo]

Act III Scene II

 

The play is about to begin. Chalet is with the actors, lecturing them on how to act the parts she has written for them. "Be as vengeful as you can muster," she insists. "Remember, this is an important stepping stone in your acting career!"

 

"I fooled SBC once, I can do it again," the lead actor replies.

 

"Excellent!" Chalet says. She notices Wumbonius, Dylanstern and Trophycrantz. "Dear colleagues," she instructs, "show these actors their places."

 

Halibutio enters as well, whom Chalet is pleased to see. "Halibutio," she greets warmly. "Who would have thought that my best friend would have the namesake of a fish?"

 

"I beg your pardon." Halibutio appears offended. "What's the matter with fish?"

 

"It tends to smell," Chalet replies. "But your words only smell of truthful roses. But I have a job for you, dear Halibutio. You must watch King Clappius during the play, and see if he evokes any sort of reaction to the events. Anything that would prove his guilt."

 

"Nothing gets past Halibutio's eye," Halibutio reassures her. "If thee's any guilt to be found, I will find it!"

 

Trumpets begin to play, and lords and ladies begin streaming into the room. "This is the part where I act a little more foolish than usual," Chalet warns Halibutio. "Do not be alarmed."

 

"I've seen you act foolish before, don't worry," Halibutio replies.

 

"Dear Chalet!" Clappius enters with Jelltrude and SOFelia. "How are you this evening?"

 

"Excellent, i'faith, of the chameleon's dish. I eat the air, promise-crammed," Chalet replies.

 

"What'd she say?" Clappius whispers to Jelltrude.

 

"I thought you knew!" Jelltrude whispers back.

 

Wumbonius walks up to the group. "Ah, Wumbonius," Chalet greets. "I believe you were once an actor. Could you spare a moment to tell us about it?"

 

"Oh, no." Clappius buries his head in his hands.

 

"Why, certainly," Wumbonius replies, pleased. "It was back in Grade 3. I played a tree..."

 

Chalet subsequently ignores him and turns to SOFelia. "Dear SOFelia," she whispers. "You haven't been fooling with other fools, have you?"

 

"no, jester chaneas," SOFelia replies. 

 

"...and the teacher said, 'trees don't talk.' But I couldn't help myself. I..." Wumbonius continues, but is stopped by Chalet. "I think we should find our seats now, as riveting as your story was."

 

They find their seats and the play begins. "Dear Calvin," the woman says, "I would sooner give up my three children than spend a night alone without you."

 

"This wasn't in the script!" Chalet grumbles. Suddenly, she gets a call on her cell phone. She picks it up. "Hello?" she asks.

 

"Everybody just looks confused," Halibutio replies.

 

Chalet rolls her eyes. "Thank you, Halibutio," she dismisses.

 

"Shhh!" A crowd around Chalet shushes her. She turns off her phone.

 

The scene has come to the point where the king gets murdered in the same fashion as Clappius murdered his brother. Suddenly, Clappius stands up, calling for light to end the play. Everybody gasps. The lights are turned on, the play ends, and everybody exits except Chalet and Halibutio.

 

"Looks like a sign to me," Halibutio says.

 

"I agree," Chalet replies. "There's no doubt in my mind that the ghost was the true spirit of my father. But really, Halibutio? Calling me during the play? That;'s so tacky. Look at the sign up there!" Chalet points to a sign that clearly states, "No Cell Phones".

 

"Well, you shouldn't have picked it up then!" Halibtuio defends himself.

 

"Listen, you-" Chalet begins. But she is stopped by Dylanstern and Trophycrantz entering the room. "Haha, you're in trouble now, bitch," Dylanstern tells Chalet. "The queen wants you in her chamber immediately."

 

"Chalet, seriously. What's troubling you?" Trophycrantz asks. "Remember, I'll-"

 

"Yeah, yeah, the wing!" Chalet replies angrily. "You two think you can play me like a pipe? Well, I hate to tell you this, but I'm a tougher nut to crack than that!"

 

Wumbonius enters to escort Chalet to the queen, but Chalet insists that everybody leave her alone to leave her with her thoughts. Everybody exits except Chalet.

 

"I must prepare to speak with my mother," Chalet tells herself. "I will speak daggers to her, but use none. Time to tell her what I really think of her beloved Beatles."

 

End Act III Scene II

[Cha]

Fool/Princess, I could get use to it. Can't wait to see what happens with my step father slash uncle.

[Wumbo]

Act III Scene III

 

King Clappius, horribly shaken by the play, speaks with Dylanstern and Trophycrantz about Chalet. "I need the two of you to escort Chalet on a voyage to England immediately," he instructs. "I fear her madness is far too dangerous here."

 

"Oh, so the big boss-man can't handle a little princess?" Dylanstern teases.

 

Clappius glares at Dylanstern. "I can have you executed, you know. Just like I did with Shyamalan of Emminite. Damn his movies..." he says to himself.

 

"We'll do it, my lord," Trophycrantz cuts in.

 

Clappius smiles. "Good. Off with the two of you now. I need some time to myself and you need some time to prepare."

 

Dylanstern and Trophycrantz exit, leaving Clappius alone. "Now I am all alo-"

 

"My lord, my lord!" Wumbonius steps into the room.

 

"I should have known," Clappius groans. "What is it, Wumbonius?"

 

"I just wanted to remind you of my plan," Wumbonius says. "Chalet is presently making her way to Jelltrude's chamber. There I will hide and see what he has to say."

 

Clappius rolls his eyes. "You do know that her madness is not a result of love for your son, right?"

 

"Never say never." Wumbonius turns to leave. "And no, I'm NOT quoting Justin Bieber. I'll bring you back all the information I can get."

 

"Good, now get out!" Clappius thunders.

 

Wumbonius leaves, mumbling, "Somebody woke up on the wrong side of luxury this morning..."

 

Clappius sighs. "O my soul," he whispers. "I have done the most rotten of deeds, an event which stinks to high heaven. For what offense can be greater... than killing one's braddah?"

 

He hangs his kingly head in shame. "O, how I long for forgiveness... but how can I ask for forgiveness, when I am not ready to give up the perks I have after my foul deed? The money, the queen, the free Netflix. I'm living the dream here!"

 

"Bow, stubborn knees," he says, dropping to his knees, "and let me pray for what I have done."

 

Chalet quietly sneaks into the room, seeing Clappius alone, praying. "Now's the time. Now I'll do it." She draws her Squidly-covered sword.

 

But she hesitates. "And if I do it now... he goes to heaven," she realizes. She snorts. "Some revenge. I may as well curse my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter while I'm at it." She puts her sword back. "I shall wait until the king is sinful. Only then will I have my true revenge." She leaves.

 

Clappius sighs. "My words fly up, my thoughts remain below."

 

End Act III Scene III

[So Sejima]

too bad for whatever descendent Chalet crused now

[Wumbo]

Act III Scene IV

 

In Jelltrude's chamber, the queen and Wumbonius wait for Chalet's arrival. "So I'm going to hide behind this curtain," Wumbonius explains, "and there I will be able to hear what Chalet says and relay it back to the king."

 

"Quick question: Why can't I just tell the news to the king?" Jelltrude asks.

 

"Because I want to be a part of this, gosh darn it!" Wumbonius replies. He then blushes. "Sorry. My inner rude Canadian slipped out."

 

"Whatever." Jelltrude rolls her eyes. "Just hide and hurry up about it. Chalet's coming!"

 

"Of course." Wumbonius hides quickly behind the curtain. "Remember to chastise her for her recent actions!"

 

"I got it, I got it," Jelltrude replies.

 

"Who are you talking to?' Chalet asks.

 

The queen turns to Chalet in surprise. "Nobody, my dear!" she smiles. Her face then turns serious. "Chalet, your recent actions have offended your father greatly."

 

"The same to you, mother," Chalet replies.

 

"What are you talking about?" Jelltrude demands.

 

"Your recent marriage offends my true father greatly," Chalet sethes. "And dson't act like you don't know what I'm talknig about! My word, if you deny what you've been doing, I'll make sure you never forget your foul deed!"

 

"What are you doing?" Jelltrude cries out. "You're not going to murder me, are you? Help! I need somebody! Help!"

 

"Not just anybody!" Wumbonius sings along behind the curtain.

 

"Is that a rat I hear?" Chalet turns to the curtain. "You coward." She draws her Squidly-covered sword. "Now you will feel the wrath of a thousand scorned jesters, you foul, despicable beast of a stepfather!" She stabs it through the curtain.

 

Wumbonius groans. "My greatest weakness... of singing along... has finally done me in." He dies.

 

Jelltrude gasps in horror. "Chalet! What have you done?" she demands.

 

"That depends. Was it the king?" Chalet asks.

 

"O Chalet, what a rash and bloody deed this is!" Jelltrude exclaims.

 

"Indeed, queen. Almost as rash and bloody as killing a king... and marrying his brother," Chalet replies.

 

"As killing a king?!" Jelltrude responds in confusion.

 

"Ay, you heard right, madam," Chalet replies. "But let us see if it is the king that has been killed."

 

Chalet lifts up the curtain to reveal Wumbonius's corpse. "Well, this is a kick in the jester hat," Chalet mutters. "Farewell, old, intruding fool," she says. She turns back to her mother. "Now as for your rash and bloody deed..."

 

"Chalet, stay away," Jelltrude warns.

 

"Nay, mother. I will not kill thee; rather, I will wring thy heart with guilt." Chalet holds up a picture of Clappius and a picture of Jenkins. "These two men... one if far superior to the other, yet you choose the other so easily."

 

"Stop, stop!" Jelltrude replies. "I do not need to look into my soul so deeply."

 

"You've been hiding your guilt this whole time!" Chalet replies. "It is simply despicable what you have done to your once husband and the kingdom of SBC."

 

"I pray you to stop!" Jelltrude pleads.

 

"And would you like to know what I really think of your precious Beatles...?" Chalet continues.

 

Suddenly, the ghost of King Jenkins appears. Chalet reacts in horror. "My father... what dost thou want?"

 

"My goodness, she's become mad. And not just because of her dislike of The Beatles, either," Jelltrude murmurs, unable to see the ghost.

 

"What exactly do you think you';re doing?" Jenkins asks. "So your mother likes The Beatles. Big whoop! Wanna fight about it?"

 

"O greatest spirit," Chalet pleads. "What should I do?"

 

"You revenge is not with her," Jenkins reminds Chalet. "Your revenge lies in the murder of your stepfather. And since you have murdered Wumbonius instead, your revenge is not complete." He looks over at a frightened Jelltrude. "And because she can neither see nor hear me, she must be terrified that you are mad. Tell her who you are talking to."

 

Chalet turns to Jelltrude. "Mother, I am speaking with my father. He is here in spirit."

 

"Dear Chalet, I see nothing," Jelltrude replies.

 

In an instant, Jenkins disappears. "Mother, I am not mad," Chalet insists. "I have merely been acting it all along. I am a fool in princess's clothing, but I am not mad. You must listen to me and forsake Clappius to regain your conscience. As well, do not reveal to him that my madness is merely an act."

 

"O sweet Chalet," Gertrude replies, "I shall keep thy secret."

 

"Thank you, dear mother. I bid you good night," Chalet replies. Then she remembers Wumbonius's corpse. "God has punished me with this stain on my conscience," she admits, "but he has also been punished for his wrongdoings."

 

She turns back to her mother. "I must sail to England with Dylanstern and Trophycrantz," she replies, "whose intentions I do not view as optimal." She drags Wumbonius's body out with her.

 

End Act III Scene IV