The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star

[JCM]

Patrick's Fan Mail #5

 

Patrick: Hi there! In honor of my fifth fan mail installment, I'm going to answer five fan letters! Here we go!

(Patrick opens the first letter.)

Dear Patrick,

Why is it that it is putting your "two cents in",
yet it is a "penny for your thoughts"?

Sincerely,
MrScience12

Patrick: Uh...uh...I didn't study for this exam! Please don't fail me, Mr. Science 12!

(Patrick turns the letter around.)

Patrick: "You fail." Darn it!

(Patrick throws the letter in the trash and opens the next letter.)

Hello, is this the Krusty Krab?

William Leonard

Patrick: NO! THIS IS

(A "Technical Difficulties" screen appears. When we cut back, Patrick is reading the next letter.)

I am now going to play my solitude in E Minor.

ChrisGriffinXx

Patrick: But how will I audibly perceive this solitude if I am visually perceiving this letter? Also, what did I just say? That's the last time I borrow Squidward's thesaurus.

(Patrick opens the next letter.)

YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!

Gabeharrison49

Patrick: WHY ARE YOU YELLING? DO YOU WANT TO HURT ME? AAAAHHH!

(Patrick sets the letter on fire with a match.)

Patrick: (sighs in relief) The deed is done.

(Patrick opens the next letter.)

I like Krabby Patties

Sincerely,

Suds47

Patrick: You and me both, brother. I especially like them at 2 in the morning. Wait, why do you call yourself Suds? Are you the virus that infected SpongeBob that one time? Why are you trying to get into contact with me? Do you want to infect me? NO!

(Patrick sets the letter on fire with a match.)

Patrick: And SpongeBob told me it was bad to play with matches! Last time I listen to him! Well, that's it, everybody! Join me next time for AAH! MY SHORTS ARE ON FIRE!

(A "Technical Difficulties" screen appears.)

[JCM]

Patrick No Habla Español

 

(SpongeBob is running down the street. Patrick's rock tilts upwards with Patrick stuck to its underside.)

Patrick: Man, that was a great nap!

SpongeBob: Estoy listo, estoy listo, estoy listo...

Patrick: Huh?

(Patrick follows SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab.)

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick!

Patrick: What's going on?

SpongeBob: Estaba!

Patrick: I don't get it.

SpongeBob:  No puedo, no te das cuenta? No soy lo suficientemente bueno!

Patrick: Wait a minute! Am I in the Spanish version of Help Wanted?

SpongeBob: El mío era.

Patrick: I'll take that as a "yes". How do I get out of here?

SpongeBob: Lo hice.

Patrick: Lo hice? What does that mean?

SpongeBob: Yo estoy!

Patrick: Estoy? Who's Estoy?

SpongeBob: ¡Estoy listo!

Patrick: Who's Estoy?

SpongeBob: ¡Estoy listo!

Patrick: (angry) Who's Estoy?

(SpongeBob jumps into the air.)

SpongeBob: ¡Estoy listo!

(SpongeBob runs into the Krusty Krab.)

Patrick: Well, that wasn't much help.

(A fish is walking by, and Patrick stops him.)

Patrick: Say, do you know how to get everybody speaking English again?

Fish: Inglés? Si.

(The fish takes out a remote control, presses a button on it, and Patrick hears everyone in the Krusty Krab speaking normally.)

Patrick: It worked! Thank you so much!

Fish: No problem.

Patrick: Say, what's your name?

Fish: Estoy.

(Lo que un toque!)

[JCM]

Patrick Has a Cruddy Birthday

 

(Squidward opens a can of peanuts, and Patrick's head pops out.)

Patrick: Hey, Squidward! Is there something you'd like to say to me?

Squidward: What are you doing in my peanut container?

Patrick: Is that all you want to say?

Squidward: What happened to my peanuts?

(Patrick burps out a peanut shell, then Squidward kicks him out of his house.)

Patrick: (sighs) I guess he forgot.

(Sandy in in her treedome mixing chemicals when Patrick pops out of one of the beakers.)

Patrick: Hi, Sandy!

(Sandy screams and drops one of the chemicals, causing a huge explosion.)

Patrick: (coughs) Is there something you'd like to say to me?

Sandy: Get out.

(Patrick walks sadly to SpongeBob's house.)

SpongeBob: (opens the door) What's wrong?

Patrick: Nobody remembers my birthday.

SpongeBob: Your birthday?

Patrick: (angry) You forgot, too!

SpongeBob: Patrick, your birthday isn't until next week.

Patrick: Ohh...yeah! I totally knew that!

 

SpongeBob: Then why did you

 

Patrick: How time flies by! See ya later! (runs away)

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Breaks Fred's Leg (Again)

 

(Fred walks out of the hospital.)

Fred: Ahh, my legs have finally finished healing.

(Fred nearly trips into a ditch, but he balances himself just in time to keep from falling.)

Patrick: (from inside the ditch) Hi, Fred! How's it going?

Fred: How's it going? I just spent the last three months recovering from leg injuries that you inflicted!

Patrick: Sorry?

Fred: What are you doing in that ditch, anyway?

Patrick: Diggin'.

Fred: Digging for what?

Patrick: I don't know.

Fred: You don't know what you're digging for? Then why are you digging?

Patrick: Why do we do half the things we do? Why do we exist at all?

Fred: Great. Now you're getting philosophical on me. (turns around) See you never.

Patrick: Watch out for...

(Patrick hears a scream and a thud.)

Fred: MY LEG!

Patrick: ...that other ditch.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Quits His Job At the CB

 

(A health inspector walks into the Chum Bucket.)

Plankton: Welcome to our humble abode, Mr. Inspector!

Patrick: Yeah, what he said!

Health Inspector: Can I have a menu?

Plankton: Sure!

(Plankton give the health inspector a menu.)

Health Inspector: Hmm...I'd like to try the Chummy Joe.

Plankton: (to Patrick) Get him a Chummy Joe, pronto!

Patrick: My name's not Pronto. It's Patrick.

Plankton: Just go!

(Patrick gets a Chummy Joe and gives it to Plankton, who then gives it to the health inspector. The health inspector takes a bite out of the Chummy Joe then spits it out.)

Health Inspector: That was the worst thing I ever tasted! I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to condemn your restaurant.

Plankton: What?

Health Inspector: I'm shutting this place down before you kill somebody with this stuff you call food.

Plankton: Oh, come on! Nobody's died from my chum in almost a week now!

(The health inspector leaves. Plankton throws the rest of the Chummy Joe into the trash.)

Patrick: So, when do I get paid?

Plankton: Never.

Patrick: Then I quit!

Plankton: There's nothing to quit from. The Chum Bucket is no more.

Patrick: Darn you, title! You've tricked me again!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick's Fan Mail #6

 

(Patrick is watching television when an envelope slides through his mail slot.)

Patrick: (sighs) Again?

(Patrick turns off the television, opens the envelope, and reads the letter.)

Dear Patrick,

I would like to know about your life story. Or, just tell me your relationship with SpongeBob.


Sincerely,

Panchito Gomez

P.S.: Am I getting too much deep inside for you?

Patrick: Oh no, Gomez, you didn't go nearly as deep inside me as my doctor did that one time. (rubs his bottom) He did things to me that I can never speak about.

(Patrick stares darkly at the wall.)

Patrick: Anyway, you wanna know my life story, eh? Well, I don't really remember it that much. I don't remember a lot of things. My doctor says that's because I was dropped on the head as a child. He said that before he did...the thing.

(Patrick stares darkly at the wall.)

Patrick: But I can tell you my relationship with SpongeBob! We're best friends. We've been so for as long as I can remember!

(SpongeBob knocks on Patrick's rock.)

Patrick: That's him right now!

SpongeBob: Patrick, what did you do with those Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures I loaned you?

(Patrick puts the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures under his bed.)

Patrick: I don't know what you're talking about!

SpongeBob: I just saw you put the action figures under your bed, Pat.

Patrick: How? Are you working for the government? Do you and your federal goonies have cameras set up in my house?

SpongeBob: No, I'm looking at you through your mail slot.

Patrick: Darn it!

(Patrick scoops up the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy action figures and prepares to leave his rock.)

Patrick: Join me next time for...whatever.

[JCM]

Patrick Join a Traveling Circus

 

(Patrick walks into a circus tent.)

Patrick: Hello? I heard you guys were hiring.

Ringleader: You heard right! What would you like to contribute to the Ding-a-ling Brothers and Barnacle Baily Circus © ® TM LLC?

Patrick: Wait for it...

(Patrick sprouts two giant ears and starts to wiggle them.)

Patrick: Huh? Huh?

Ringleader: Uh...that's not the type of talent we'd like to display at our circus.

Patrick: Oh, that's too bad. I thought I was on to something here.

Ringleader: Sorry.

(Patrick uses his ears to fly out of the circus tent.)

Ringleader: Whoa!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Attempts the Dirty Bubble Challenge

 

(Patrick takes a package into his rock and cuts it open.)

Patrick: An official Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy paddleball set! What's this? "Take the Dirty Bubble Challenge! Hit the paddleball 29,998,559,671,349 times in a row."

(Patrick hits the paddleball 29,998,559,671,349 times in a row.)

Patrick: Now what?

(The Dirty Bubble bursts out of the paddleball.)

Dirty Bubble: Roar!

(Patrick screams and hides under his bed.)

Dirty Bubble: I love doing that. Anyway, here's your trophy.

(The Dirty Bubble vomits out a trophy.)

Patrick: An award? I never got an award before! Look, Dirty Bubble! I got an award!

Dirty Bubble: I can see that. It did just come out of my esophagus, you know.

Patrick: Were you in that paddleball the entire time?

Dirty Bubble: No, I'm just a figment of your imagination.

(The Dirty Bubble disappears, as well as the trophy.)

Patrick: My trophy! It's gone! I lost it! Oh well.

(Patrick goes to sleep, then the Dirty Bubble reappears with the trophy.)

Dirty Bubble: I love doing that.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Makes a Sandwich

 

(Patrick puts a loaf of bread, a jar of seanut butter, and a jar of jellyfish jelly on a table.)

Patrick: It's time to do this.

(Patrick slices the loaf of bread with a knife and puts two slices on a plate.)

Patrick: Here we go.

(Patrick spreads jelly on a slice of bread, then slaps himself on the head.)

Patrick: Dang it! Why did I do the jellyfish jelly first? It's a seanut butter and jellyfish jelly sandwich, not a jellyfish jelly and seanut butter sandwich!

(Patrick throws the sandwich in the trash then starts over again.  He spreads seanut butter and jelly on his hand.)

Patrick: Dang it! I forgot the bread!

(Patrick shakes the seanut butter and jelly into the trash.)

Patrick: Alright, I'm doing it right this time.

(Patrick puts the entire jar of seanut butter and the entire jar of jellyfish jelly between two slices of bread and eats it whole.)

Patrick: (burps) That hits the spot.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Gets a Pet Worm

 

(Patrick walks into a pet store.)

Patrick: I'd like to buy a worm.

Store manager: Take your pick.

(Patrick takes a baby Alaskan Bull Worm out of its cage.)

Patrick: Hey, this one's pink! Like me!

Store manager: Be careful with that thing. It can grow to be over 25 meters long.

Patrick: I don't use the metric system, so I'll be fine.

(The Alaskan Bull Worm bites Patrick's finger, causing him to drop it.)

Store manager: Oh, no!

(The Alaskan Bull Worm chews its way out of the pet store and squirms off.)

Patrick: Wait! Come back! I need companionship!

(Patrick chases the Alaskan Bull Worm off a cliff.)

Patrick: Oh, no! I'm going to die!

(Patrick sees a truck carrying pillows about to go underneath them.)

Patrick: Phew! We're saved.

(The Alaskan Bull Worm lands safely in the pillow truck, but Patrick lands in a truck carrying nails right behind it.)

Patrick: Well, I sure didn't nail that landing! Get it? Because of this nail truck? Somebody call a doctor.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick's Fan Mail #7

 

(An envelope slides through the mail slot in Patrick's rock, and Patrick opens it.)

Patrick: Look! It's a letter!

(Patrick takes piece of paper with the letter "B" written on it out of the envelope.)

Patrick: Strange. Oh hey, look! There's something behind it!

(Patrick turns the paper around and reads:)

Dear patrick

Hello I am learning how to write stories. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely Trophy

Patrick: You came to the right starfish! I write stories all the time! Like that one about the ugly barnacle. I won a Pulitzer Prize for that one.

(Patrick takes the Pulitzer medal out of his pocket and kisses it.)

Patrick: Chew on this, all my English teachers who failed me! A.K.A. all my English teachers! What was I talking about? Oh, right, I was helping that "Sincerely Trophy" fellow.

(Patrick puts the medal back in his pocket.)

Patrick: But yeah, writing isn't that hard at all. You just have to follow the three "S's": sincerity, simplicity, and shrimp. Since your name is "Sincerely", you probably know a lot about sincerity, so I won't dwell on that. Simplicity is making sure that your writing isn't too hard for the readers to follow. Shrimp is, well, shrimp. I couldn't think of another "S", so I just went with shrimp.

(A shrimp in The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star's studio audience claps.)

Shrimp: Brava, brava!

Patrick: Thank you. That's it for this week's edition of Patrick's Fan Mail! Remember to come back every week for more of the the inner machinations of my mind!

[Moar Boy]

Those stories sure are twisted

[JCM]

Patrick Hides From An Axe Murderer

 

(Patrick hurriedly knocks on SpongeBob's door.)

SpongeBob: (opens the door) What's wrong, buddy?

Patrick: There's an axe murderer on the loose!

SpongeBob: Oh, no! Quick, come in!

(Patrick runs into SpongeBob's house, and SpongeBob closes the door behind them.)

SpongeBob: Where did this axe murderer come from?

Patrick: I don't know! Wait, SpongeBob, where do you put your axes?

SpongeBob: In my axe drawer, of course!

(SpongeBob goes to a cabinet and opens a drawer labeled "Axes".)

SpongeBob: It's empty.

(A big, hulking figure appears behind SpongeBob and Patrick.)

SpongeBob: Patrick, did you get taller?

Patrick: No.

(SpongeBob and Patrick turn around, and they see that the figure has an axe raised. They scream.)

Axe murderer: Hasta la vista.

(The axe murderer breaks the axe in half on the floor.)

SpongeBob: What?

Axe murderer: I just murdered your axe, fool!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Gives Birth to an Alien

 

(SpongeBob knocks on Patrick's rock, and Patrick opens it.)

SpongeBob: Ready to go jellyfishing?

Patrick: (chewing on a corn cob) Just a minute.

SpongeBob: Where did you get that ear of corn from?

Patrick: Remember when I was in that corn maze?

SpongeBob: That corn maze that was really an alien crop circle?

Patrick: Yeah, that one! I snuck a few souvenirs out, and I'm eating one of them right now!

SpongeBob: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Patrick: What's the worst that could happen?

(Suddenly, an alien bursts out of Patrick's stomach.)

SpongeBob: That, apparently.

Alien: Goo goo, gaa gaa.

Patrick: Look, SpongeBob! I'm a father!

SpongeBob: You also have a gaping hole in your torso.

Patrick: Eh, it'll heal.

(The alien coughs out acid, which melts off part of Patrick's face.)

SpongeBob: Holy shrimp!

Patrick: Don't worry! This just means he loves me!

(SpongeBob runs out of Patrick's rock.)

Patrick: What's wrong? Did I forget to shower again?

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Is Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

 

(SpongeBob and Patrick are clam fishing in the middle of the Goo Lagoon's lake.)

SpongeBob: I don't like this, Pat. The last time I was out in the water, my boss and I were attacked by a giant clam.

Patrick: Oh, come on! What's the chances of that happening again?

SpongeBob: Maybe you're right. Maybe I am being paranoid.

(Suddenly, ominous music starts to play.)

SpongeBob: Did you hear that?

Patrick: It's just your nerves.

(The music gets louder.)

Patrick: Now I hear it!

(Something causes SpongeBob and Patrick's fishing boat to shake.)

SpongeBob: (screams) It's under us!

Patrick: Getting eaten by a mollusk wasn't mentioned in the Goo Lagoon's brochure! I need to remember to file a complaint with the lifeguard!

SpongeBob: Don't you get it? You won't ''live'' to file a complaint!

Patrick: Well, aren't you a negative Nancy?

Voice: Both of you, shut up!

(The giant clam surfaces beside SpongeBob and Patrick's boat.)

Giant clam: I was going to eat you guys, but your bickering has made me lose my appetite! I hope you two are ashamed of yourselves!

SpongeBob: (nervous) Yes, mister clam, sir. I can assure you that it won't happen again!

(The giant clam swims away.)

Patrick: Well, SpongeBob, I guess you were right. You were being paranoid.

SpongeBob: Can we go home now?

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Didn't Start the Fire

 

(Sandy Cheekenstein, world-renowned scientist, is standing on a roof of her laboratory with a dead Patrick strapped to a table. Suddenly, lightning strikes Patrick, and he comes to life and yawns.)

Sandy: It's alive! It's alive!

(Spongegor, Sandy's personal assistant, comes to the roof with a candle in his hands.)

Spongegor: Are you okay, Miss Cheekenstein? That lightning was pretty bad.

Sandy: Okay? I'm better than okay! My experiment worked! I've resurrected the unliving!

Spongegor: That's great! We should celebrate far, far away from that...whatever it is.

(Spongegor moves the candle closer to Patrick. Patrick screams and knocks the candle out of Spongegor's hands.)

Spongegor: Hey!

(Patrick runs to the corner of the roof, whimpering.)

Sandy: Spongegor, are you sure that that brain you got was the brain of a genius like I asked for?

Spongegor: Well, they were out of genius brains, so I had to improvise and get an idiot's brain instead.

Sandy: Well, that was a bad idea.

Spongegor: I see that now, yes.

(Patrick screams again after lightning strikes a nearby tree, setting it on fire.)

Sandy: Calm down, calm down! You'll attract neighbors!

(Sandy touches Patrick on the shoulder, but then he knocks her off the roof in a fit of rage.)

Spongegor: Miss Cheekenstein! (to Patrick) You monster!

(Patrick looks over the roof and sees Sandy's limp body on the grass below. Realizing what he has done, Patrick drops to his knees and starts crying. Suddenly, another flash of lightning hits Sandy, bringing her back to life with a black-and-white hairdo.)

Patrick: Hubba hubba!

(Patrick jumps off the roof and walks into the moonlight with his now-undead creator in his arms.)

Spongegor: So...does this mean I'm not getting paid?

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick's Fan Mail #8

 

(Count Patula comes out of his coffin and yawns.)

Count Patula: Did I get any fan mail vhile I vas asleep?

Servant: Yes, sir.

(The servant give gives Patula an envelope. Patula opens the envelope and reads.)

Dear Patula,

You are the funniest pink starfish on the show.

Love,

Trainiax

Count Patula: Show? Vhat show? My short-vunning 1980s cartoon "Patula and Friends"? I didn't think anybody liked that.

Servant: I liked it, sir.

Count Patula: Stop sucking up, or I'll be forced to suck your blood.

Servant: Yes, sir.

Count Patula: I'm glad that you liked my character on the show, Trainiax. I tried to make him as vealistic as possible. Unfortunately, the vorld vasn't veady for a show about a vampire starfish who goes around sucking everyone's blood. Oh, vell. Maybe it'll be vebooted in the future.

Servant: I highly doubt that, sir.

Count Patula: Vhat?

Servant: You told me not to suck up to you, sir, so I'm giving you my honest opinion instead.

Count Patula: I don't like your honest opinions. Go back to sucking up.

Servant: Yes, sir.

Count Patula: That's it for this veek, mortals. Tune in again next time...if you dare!

[JCM]

Patrick Tells a Story

 

(Pearl is in a suburban house, cradling an infant in her arms. Patrick walks out of the kitchen, drinking milk from a glass bottle.)

Pearl: Thanks again for helping me babysit, Patrick.

Patrick: (burps) No problem.

(The infant starts crying.)

Pearl: No, no, no! Not again! Patrick, can you get that bottle of milk the baby's parents left on the kitchen table?

(Patrick looks down at the now-empty bottle in his hands.)

Patrick: What bottle?

Pearl: Never mind. It's after 12. Why won't this baby go to sleep?

Patrick: I know what it needs! A bedtime story!

(Patrick kneels down next to the infant.)

Patrick: Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

(The baby cries louder.)

Patrick: Why didn't he like it? I thought it was a good story.

Pearl: Most babies don't like mass extinction, Patrick.

Patrick: (scoffs) Babies and their high standards! When I was a baby, there wasn't such a thing as bedtime stories! We had to walk 20 miles just to get to the local ice cream parlor! Kids today! They don't appreciate nothin'!

Pearl: Look, Patrick! Your insane rant put the baby to sleep!

Patrick: Now, that's more like it!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Wins the Lottery

 

(Patrick sits down in front of his television.)

TV Announcer: The winning numbers for the Bikini Bottom Lottery are...

(Patrick takes a Bikini Bottom Lottery ticket out of his pocket.)

TV Announcer: 1...2...3...4...5?

Patrick: I won! I won the lottery!

(Patrick runs out of his rock and into SpongeBob's pineapple.)

Patrick: SpongeBob! I won the lottery!

SpongeBob: You did, Patrick? So did I!

Patrick: What?

(SpongeBob and Patrick run into Squiward's house.)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Guess what, Squidward!

Squidward: I don't want to hear it! I just found out that I won the lottery, meaning that I don't have to work for that skinflint Krabs anymore and that I get to move as far away from you two as possible!

SpongeBob: What a coincidence! Both of us won the lottery, too!

Squidward: Huh?

(A Bikini Bottom Lottery representative walks into Squidward's house.)

BBL Representative: Congratulations on winning the lottery! Here are your winnings!

(The representative gives SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward envelopes, which they enthusiastically tear open.)

Squidward: A dollar and eight cents?

BBL Representative: Yeah! Half the people in Bikini Bottom won the lottery, and since the money is split between the winners, that's all you get!

(Squidward twitches, and then his head explodes.)

SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry. It grows back.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Needs Glasses

 

(Patrick walks into the Krusty Krab and bumps into a pole.)

Patrick: Oh! Pardon me, young lady.

Squidward: Patrick, I already told you. Mr. Krabs' daughter is named "Pearl", not "Pole"!

Patrick: It looked like a whale to me.

Squidward: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Can I take your order?

Patrick: Uh...uh...

(Patrick squints at the menu.)

Patrick: I'll have one "Galley Grub"!

Squidward: Patrick, that's the name of the menu. You choose from the stuff under the name. We've gone over this before!

Patrick: All I see are blurs.

Squidward: Then get some glasses!

Patrick: Oh, I know! I've done something like this before!

(Patrick takes two cups from a nearby table and puts them over his eyes.)

Patrick: Oh, Neptune! I can't see a thing now! I'm blind!

Squidward: Patrick, those are plastic cups.

(What a twist!)