The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star

[JCM]

Patrick's Fan Mail #1

 

Patrick: Hello, viewers! Welcome to Patrick's Fan Mail, the segment of the show where I answer your questions! This weeks' letter is coming from [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD], and it reads:

 

Dear Patrick,

You and SpongeBob are my favorite characters!

How did you guys meet?

Love,

Sallyg

 

(Patrick reads "Sallyg" as "Sal-ig".)

 

Patrick: That's a good question! It all started when SpongeBob and I were students at Poseidon Elementary.

 

(Flashback: A 5-year-old SpongeBob is playing with a toy boat in the middle of a classroom. Patrick walks up to him.)

 

Patrick: Hey, wanna be friends?

 

SpongeBob: Sure!

 

(Patrick puts SpongeBob's toy boat into his mouth and walks away.)

 

SpongeBob: Okay, see you later!

 

(End flashback. Patrick is chewing on a toy boat in the present.)

 

Patrick: (muffled) Ah, the memories.

[JCM]

To make up for lost time, I'll be posting two episodes today and tomorrow.

 

Patrick Gets Lost in a Corn Maze

 

(Patrick is walking down a street when he spots a corn maze.)

Patrick: Corn!

(Patrick runs into the corn maze, grabbing as much corn as he can from either side of him. Once he's in the middle of the maze, he stops.)

Patrick: (looks around) How do I get out of this thing?

(One week later, Farmer Jenkins passes Patrick on a tractor.)

Patrick: Wait, sir, you've gotta help me! I've been trapped in this maze for a week, surviving on nothing but corn! (burps out a cob)

Farmer Jenkins: This isn't a maze, you idiot! It's an alien crop circle!

(A UFO appears above Farmer Jenkins and Patrick.)

Patrick: I was wondering why that thing kept appearing every night.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Is Not Smarter Than a Fifth Grader

 

Jeff Foxworthy: Welcome to Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader! Let's welcome tonight's contestant, from Bikini Bottom, Pacific Ocean, Earth, Patrick Star!

 

(The crowd goes wild.)

 

Patrick: Thank you, thank you.

 

Jeff Foxworthy: Now, me and my mustache want you to win a lot of money tonight, so here's how it's gonna go down. You pick a category, answer the question behind that category, and listen to my stale redneck jokes.

 

Patrick: Okay. I'll choose first grade geography.

 

(Jeff Foxworthy reads the question as it appears on the giant screen above them.)

 

Jeff Foxworthy: "This state is commonly associated with Kentucky Fried Chicken."

 

Patrick: Seattle!

 

Jeff Foxworthy: One: Seattle isn't a state. Two: You're an idiot.

 

(The crowd laughs.)

 

Jeff Foxworthy: Tell him what he's won, announcer!

 

Announcer: You win ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!

 

Patrick: Don't I at least win the board game?

 

Announcer: No, but since we're nice, we'll give you a board, an actual wooden board.

 

(An attractive woman in a sparkly dress gives the wooden board to Patrick.)

 

Patrick: I'll never get bored with this board! Get it? The pun?

 

Jeff Foxworthy: Leave the horrible jokes to me, starfish.

 

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Kicks Flatts' Butt

 

(Patrick is a student at community college. He's going down the hallway when he bumps into the local bully, Flatts.)

Flatts: Hey, watch where you're going!

Patrick: Sorry.

Flatts: You scuffed my sneakers, too! Looks like I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson!

Patrick: Ooh, are you one of the professors?

Flatts: Little smart aleck, eh? You won't be joking like that when I'm givin' you a shiner!

Patrick: Ooh, I like shiny things!

(Flatts tries to punch Patrick, but Patrick dodges and flips the bully onto his back.)

Patrick: Those karate lessons I got from that anthropomorphic squirrel sure came in handy!

Flatts: I respect you, anthropomorphic starfish. Want to get a root beer out back?

Patrick: Sure, anthropomorphic fish!

Flatts: Call me Flatts. That's what my parents call me.

Patrick: And call me Patrick! That's what my script calls me!

Flatts: You're weird. I like that.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Encounters the Megalodon

 

(SpongeBob and Patrick are at a museum.)

SpongeBob: Look! It's the bones of the Megalodon, the most terrifying creature to ever roam these seas!

Patrick: I don't think it's so scary.

(Suddenly, the skeleton of the Megalodon comes to life.)

Megalodon: WHAT?

(SpongeBob shrieks and runs out of the museum.)

Megalodon: How do you not think I'm scary? I have powerful jaws, sharp teeth, and ridiculously bad table manners!

Patrick: (shrugs) I just don't think you're scary.

Megalodon: Well then, you must be braver than anybody else in the ocean!

(A catfish walks by.)

Patrick: Oh my gosh! He, he's like a part-cat, part-fish hybrid! How does he do it? HOW DOES HE DO IT?

(Patrick runs out of the museum screaming.)

Megalodon: I feel insecure now.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Fan Mail #2

 

(SpongeBob squeezes his way under Patrick's rock.)

SpongeBob: Hey, Pat. What are you doing?

Patrick: SpongeBob! You got here just in time to see me open this week's fan letter!

SpongeBob: Cool!

(Patrick opens the letter and reads:)

Hi Patrick

I love you xD but actually your my favorite character!

Loopa23

Patrick: What? You actually love my "my favorite character"? Am I not deserving of your love?

(Patrick sobs in a corner.)

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, I think Loopa meant to say that "''you're'' my favorite character". You know, the contraction of "you are"?

Patrick: Stop trying to make me feel better! I know when I'm not wanted!

SpongeBob: Wait, weren't you illiterate not too long ago? How did you develop a sophisticated knowledge of grammatical construction between then and now, anyway?

Patrick: That's a great point! (to the camera) I may not be my "my favorite character", but I'm glad you took the time to write that letter nonetheless, Loopa23! Join me next Friday for another installment of "Patrick's Fan Mail"!

[JCM]

Patrick Gets His Boat Fixed

 

(Patrick walks into an auto shop.)

Angry Jack: How can I be of service?

Patrick: Hey, didn't you use to work for that shell emporium?

Angry Jack: Yeah, but I went out of business after a yellow EEDIOT broke all of my shells.

Patrick: Hey, my best friend's yellow!

Angry Jack: Does his name happen to be SpongeBob SquarePants?

Patrick: Yeah, yeah!

Angry Jack: Then GET OUT OF MY SHOP!

Patrick: But aren't you going to fix my boat?

Angry Jack: (sighs) Fine. But only because I need the money.

(Patrick takes the pieces of a toy boat out of his pocket.)

Patrick: It broke when I sat on it.

(Angry Jack takes out a wrench and beats Patrick senseless with it.)

Patrick: Ow! You're not getting a tip for this! Ow!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Covers Up

 

(Patrick enters a restaurant.)

Waiter: Excuse me, sir, but may I point out this sign?

(The waiter points to a sign saying "No shirt, no shoes, no service".)

Patrick: Yes, you may point it out.

Waiter: Then read it!

Patrick: (reads the sign) What a coincidence! I'm wearing neither a shirt nor shoes!

Waiter: So therefore, we cannot serve you.

Patrick: What? That's a dumb rule!

Waiter: We apologize for not wanting our patrons' stank feet walking on our floor and their nasty old bellies flopping around while people are trying to eat.

Patrick: You're not a very cordial waiter.

Waiter: Do you even know what "cordial" means?

Patrick: Uhh...

(Patrick runs to his rock and runs back to the restaurant wearing a shirt and shoes.)

Patrick: Ta-da!

Waiter: Sorry, but we just closed.

(The waiter takes off his shirt and shoes and swims off into the horizon.)

Patrick: Well, bar-

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Meets John K

 

(An old man with glasses and a permanent smirk walks into the Krusty Krab.)

John K: Hello! It is I, John Kricfalusi, the greatest animator of all time!

Squidward: (rolls eyes) Are you going to order something or not?

John K: Ha! You're obviously a rip-off of my character, Ren!

(Patrick walks into the double doors behind John K.)

John K: And you, you're a rip-off of Stimpy!

Patrick: What's a Stimpy? Does it hurt?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs! We have another egomaniacal cartoonist here!

Mr. Krabs: (from his office) Another one? That Seth MacFarlane guy was enough of a headache!

(The section of the floor under John K springs out, sending him through the window and into the dumpster.)

Seth MacFarlane: (imitating Stewie) So I guess they got you too, huh?

John K: (imitating Ren) Those sick little monkeys!

Butch Hartman: (pops out wearing a snorkel) You guys like to play in the dumpster, too?

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Locks Himself in the Freezer

 

(Patrick is sweeping the Krusty Krab's floor with a rake when SpongeBob calls him from the kitchen.)

SpongeBob: Patrick! Could you go into the freezer and get me some patties?

Patrick: Sure! What's the worst that could happen?

(Fast forward to the part where Patrick locks himself in the freezer.)

Patrick: (shivers) How do I get out of here?

(Patrick pulls on the handle, but it breaks off.)

Patrick: HEEELP! SOMEBODY HELP!

(30 minutes later, SpongeBob opens the door to the freezer and sees that Patrick has just chewed off his right arm.)

SpongeBob: Oh, Neptune! What have you done?

Patrick: It's alright! I can just grow another arm like you do!

SpongeBob: You're a starfish! Your body doesn't work the same as mine! You can't regenerate limbs!

Patrick: Well, in that case, AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick's Fan Mail #3

 

(Squidward crawls under Patrick's rock.)

Squidward: Patrick! Did you break into my refrigerator again?

Patrick: Maybe.

(A letter falls into Patrick's mail slot.)

Patrick: Hey look, another letter!

(Patrick opens the letter and reads:)
 

 

Dear Patrick,

I agree with SpongeBob that you are, indeed, a genius. I found that I'm pretty good at math, but one question has been boggling my mind since grade one, so I wanted help from a professional. What is 2 + 4?

Sincerely,

___________
 place name here

Patrick: Well, underscore-place-name-here, you came to the right starfish!

Squidward: (rolls eyes) This is gonna be a riot.

Patrick: (clears throat) The mass, or m, of an object multiplied by c², or the speed of light squared, will give you its energy, or E. The full equation, as you can see, is mc² = E.

Squidward: You idiot! He asked you what 2 + 6 is, not about Einstein's mass–energy equivalence!

Patrick: (reads the letter again) Well, what do you know! You're right! (clears throat again) 2 + 6 = 26. Sorry for the confusion.

Squidward: Can we talk about you stealing from my fridge now?

Patrick: Sorry, we're out of time! Join me next week for Patrick's Fan Mail!

[JCM]

Patrick Tries to Get His Favorite Television Show Back on the Air

 

(Patrick is watching The Adventures of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy.)

Announcer: (on the television) That was the final episode of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy.

Patrick: What? The final episode? NO!

(Patrick sprints out of his rock and runs to the local television station.)

Patrick: You have to bring back The Adventures of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy!

Janitor: Who? Me?

Patrick: No! Someone who matters!

Network executive: I'm someone who matters!

Patrick: Can you bring back Mermaidman and Barnacleboy?

Network executive: What? Why would I do that?

Patrick: Because I love the show. It's the first thing I wake up to and the last thing I see before I go to sleep. Without Mermaidman and Barnacleboy, I'm nothing but a pink slob who sits around on his butt all day and occasionally does something interesting like marry a lamp or go to prison.

Network executive: You do realize that The Adventures of Mermaidman and Barnacleboy was cancelled 50 years ago, right?

Patrick: It was? But I just saw the last episode tonight.

Network executive: That was a rerun, you dolt!

Patrick: That explains so much. Like why the announcer asked us to like the show on MySpace.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Runs a Marathon

 

Realistic fish head: Hello! This is the 2nd Annual Bikini Bottom Marathon! Let's look at our contestants.

(Larry is stretching his legs at the starting line.)

Realistic fish head: Professional bodybuilder Larry the Lobster!

(SpongeBob is stretching his hips at the starting line.)

Realistic fish head: Professional annoyance SpongeBob SquarePants.

(Patrick is stretching a rubber band at the starting line.)

Realistic fish head: Professional...something Patrick Star!

Patrick: Ha ha...it's stretchy.

Realistic fish head: Ready...go!

(SpongeBob, Patrick, and Larry start running. Patrick flicks his rubber band at Larry's head, causing him to fall and twist his ankle.)

Realistic fish head: Ooh, what a twist! See what I did there?

Patrick: No.

(An injured Larry hobbles to Patrick and twists him into a pretzel.)

Patrick: Oh, I get it now!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Breaks the Camel's Back

(A camel with a turban and glasses walks into the Krusty Krab.)

Camel: Hello. I am an Arabian prince, and I would like nutrition for my mouth-hole.

(Mr. Krabs darts out of his office.)

Mr. Krabs: Did somebody say prince?

Camel: That would be me.

Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the Krusty Krab, walking bag of money, I mean prince! My dedicated staff will do whatever it can to keep you happy! (looks at Squidward and SpongeBob) Right?

Squidward: Whatever.

SpongeBob: Yes, sir!

Patrick: (walking out of the bathroom) We're out of toilet paper. (sees the camel) Horsie!

(Patrick jumps on the camel's back.)

Patrick: Giddyup, horsie, giddyup!

Camel: Augh, my back! You broke my back, you insolent buffoon!

Patrick: You talk funny.

(The camel shakes Patrick off his back and turns for the door.)

Camel: I am never stepping foot in this restaurant again! (leaves)

Mr. Krabs: Noooo! That's it, Patrick! This is the straw that broke the camel's back!

Squidward: Nice terminology.

Mr. Krabs: You're fired!

Squidward: Me?

Mr. Krabs: No. Patrick.

Squidward: Darn.

Patrick: So what are we gonna do about that toilet paper?

(Mr. Krabs turns redder than usual and kicks Patrick out of the Krusty Krab. Patrick lands right on top of the camel.)

Camel: Once I get back home, you're getting a death warrant.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Does Plankton a Favor

 

(Patrick walks into the Chum Bucket.)

Plankton: Oh, it's you.

Patrick: Can I have my old job back?

Plankton: (rolls eyes) Sure, but you've gotta do me a favor first.

Patrick: Anything!

Plankton: Get me a Krabby Patty and you're hired.

Patrick: Okay!

(Patrick runs to the Krusty Krab and orders a Krabby Patty.)

Squidward: Here's your Krabby Patty. (gives Patrick the burger) And please don't eat it whole this time. We can't afford another lawsuit.

(Patrick runs back to the Chum Bucket.)

Plankton: Where's the Krabby Patty?

Patrick: (wipes a Krabby Patty stain from his mouth) Uhh...It ran away.

Plankton: You're saying that the Krabby Patty, an inanimate object, sprouted legs and ran away?

Patrick: Yeah! It happens all the time! So can I get my old job back?

Plankton: Fine, but just because I need someone to talk to other than my naggy computer wife.

Karen: (blasts Plankton with a laser) I love you, too, honey.

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick's Fan Mail #4

 

(A mailman knocks on Patrick's rock.)

Patrick: Yay! The mail is here!

(Patrick sticks his hands out from under the rock and grabs the mail.)

Patrick: Let's see. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A fan letter!

Hi Patrick Hows your Parents doing

Tropicaljackson

Patrick: Tropical Jackson? Like the famous boy band Tropical Jackson?

(Patrick takes out an album cover of a group of shirtless boys holding surfboards.)

Patrick: My big sister Sam is obsessed with you guys! Thanks for sending me a letter! Anyway, my parents are doing great! Let's check in on them now!

(Patrick dials a number on his shellphone, and SpongeBob's mother is on the other line.)

Patrick: Hi, mom! Is dad there?

Mrs. SquarePants: For the last time, sweetie, I'm not your mother.

Patrick: (starts to cry) Are you disowning me?

Mrs. SquarePants: No. You were never mine to begin with. What happened to your real parents? Herb and Margie?

Patrick: Who and whogie?

Mrs. SquarePants: The people who gave birth to you.

Patrick: Oh, those guys! I'm not really sure what happened to them. I lost their number.

Mrs. SquarePants: Please don't call us anymore.

Patrick: You got it! Talk to you next week!

Mrs. SquarePants: No...

(Patrick hangs up.)

Patrick: (to the camera) And I'll talk to you next week, too! Until then, I'm Patrick, and this is Patrick's Fan Mail!

[JCM]

Patrick Serves in the Army

 

(A 20-year-old Patrick is sleeping in an army camp.)

 

Sergeant: WAKE UP! WAKE UP, YOU PIECE OF SCUM!

 

Patrick: Huh?

 

Sergeant: YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN OUT THERE TRAINING THIRTY MINUTES AGO! WHAT THE BARNACLES WERE YOU DOING?

 

Patrick: Sleepin'.

 

Sergeant: ARE YOU GETTING SMART WITH ME?

 

Patrick: Wow, that's the first time anybody's called me smart in my lifetime.

 

Sergeant: THAT IS IT! TWENTY PUSH-UPS, RIGHT NOW!

 

(Patrick gets on his knees and starts doing push-ups.)

 

Sergeant: WHAT THE TARTER SAUCE IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU A MAN?

 

Patrick: Last time I checked.

 

Sergeant: THEN GET OFF THOSE KNEES AND START DOING REAL PUSH-UPS!

 

(Patrick does push-ups with his knees off the ground. He starts sweating.)

 

Patrick: I don't like this.

 

Sergeant: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE THIS! YOU ARE IN THE ARMY!

 

Patrick: The army? I thought this was Spanish class!

 

(Patrick packs his suitcase and leaves.)

 

Sergeant: WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? I WILL HAVE YOU CHARGED WITH DESERTION! DON'T YOU (coughs) shoot i lost my voice

 

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Gets Sent a Bunch of Snail Facts

 

(Patrick walks into SpongeBob's house with a shell-shaped cell phone.)

Patrick: Look, SpongeBob! The new mePhone!

SpongeBob: I thought you hated those things.

Patrick: (scoffs) I only hated the maps! This mePhone fixes the map system and has reduced government surveillance to boot! And look!

(Patrick turns off the lights.)

Patrick: It's glow-in-the-dark!

(SpongeBob turns the lights back on.)

Patrick: And it only cost me 700 dollars! By the way, can I borrow 700 dollars to pay off these really scary Pineapple representatives?

SpongeBob: Sure, Pat.

mePhone: Before activating your mePhone, would you like to sign up for snail facts!

Patrick: What? No!

mePhone: Understood. You will now be receiving snail facts.

Patrick: But I said I didn't want them!

mePhone: Did you know that snails can sleep for up to 18 hours a day?

Patrick: Go away, snail facts!

mePhone: Understood. You will now be receiving snail facts every ten seconds.

Patrick: Gah! I hate this mePhone!

mePhone: Did you know that a female snail will produce more slime when she's pregnant?

Gary: (roughly translated) Wow! I'm a snail and I didn't know that!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Sings the Bikini Bottom National Anthem

 

(Patrick takes center stage at the Bubble Bowl.)

Announcer: And now to sing the Bikini Bottom National Anthem: Patrick Star!

Patrick: (clears throat) Oh, Bikini Bottom...line?

Announcer: We pledge our hearts to you.

Patrick: We hedge our farts for you...line?

Announcer: As faithful, as deep, as true, as blue.

Patrick: Tomatoes, and beets, I chew as stew!

Announcer: Bikini Bottom, we love you.

Patrick: I didn't say "line".

Announcer: Just say it!

Patrick: Line.

Announcer: No, the line I just gave you!

Patrick: Ohhh! Could you say it again?

Announcer: That's it! Who hired this idiot to sing here, anyway?

(Mr. Krabs, owner of the Bikini Bottom football team, raises his hand.)

Mr. Krabs: What? He works free!

(What a twist!)

[JCM]

Patrick Gives Mrs. Puff An Apple

 

(A 16-year-old Patrick goes into a boatmobile with Mrs. Puff.)

Mrs. Puff: Well, it's the moment you've been waiting for! Your boating exam!

Patrick: (chuckles) Yeah.

Mrs. Puff: Are you excited?

Patrick: I'm a lot of things right now.

Mrs. Puff: Don't worry. I'm sure you'll do fine. You and that kid who's going after you. What's his name? SpongeBob, yeah.

Patrick: Oh, that reminds me!

(Patrick takes an apple out of his backpack.)

Patrick: SpongeBob said that if I give this to you, you'll be nice when you evaluate me.

Mrs. Puff: (laughs) He really knows me, doesn't he? I just know that he'll ace this exam. He's my favorite student, you know.

(Patrick gives Mrs. Puff the apple, and right as she's about to take a bite out of it, a worm pops out.)

Worm: I bring you greetings from Apple World!

(Mrs. Puff faints.)

Patrick: Mrs. Puff? Oh, well. More for me. (eats the apple, worm and all)

(What a twist!)