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Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000: The Critic Chronicles


Jjs Goodman

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EPISODE XII: The Wall

Spoiler

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Jjs: The time has come. The big one. You’ve all heard the horror stories of this video ever since it was uploaded in September 2019. The entire world came to a stop, stunned by what Doug had delivered. Everyone across the internet has seen this as the ultimate nadir in Doug’s career. Even Fantano himself reviewed the accompanying album, which I can't give a proper retort for. Whoever was left viewing Doug’s wild fantasy pretty much clocked out after this. That’s right, this anti-magnum opus is what made people give up on Doug as a content creator. You can’t believe how terrified I am to riff this. You all knew this had to be the finale of our miniseries and I know for a fact I won’t want to see anymore of Nostalgia Critic after this. Riffing this comes with several questions: Can we add a new perspective that the rest of the internet hasn’t already said by now? Is this truly the unholy abomination the internet has made it out to be, or are there episodes out there still worse than this for certain people? Let’s find out. It’s been an honor to be along with you all for this ride, now let’s give Doug one final riffing of a lifetime!

Rusty: Well, I’m back for one last riff, and for this special occasion, I shall be doing this riff in the style of a hoedown. 

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Okay, Okay, I kid, but while I am not a Pink Floyd fan, I know when someone bites off more than they can chew. I should know, because I’ve done my fair share of that in my life. Of course, compared to the Walker, Chicago Rangers here, I’m still in Pee-Wees. Let’s fuckin roll.

OWM: Isn’t this where—

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Wumbo: Comfortably DUMB

Clappy: C4rDz7yAoAh2j2wE4wYEQOo_FY5K7ru47nql0Fli

Slug: To put things into perspective, before this, Doug had made another musical review (of Moulin Rouge) back in 2011. This review in part was responsible for Doug’s decision to (briefly) kill off the Nostalgia Critic in “To Boldly Flee” because he thought it was just so brilliant that he could never top it again. With that in mind, it becomes less shocking that Doug could be so egotistical to think that this was even close to anything resembling a good idea. I was honestly very close to opting out of this one, his Deadpool 2 video drained me, but I was just too morbidly curious about this thing that I relented, and oh boy, it was every bit as bad as people were saying. With all that said, let’s cut to the chase.

Fa: Unlike our other riffers, I was not super familiar with Doug prior to this video. I couldn’t help myself, plunged headfirst and instantly regretted it. I'm equally terrified and excited to relive this cringe fest, but mostly terrified.

Steel: I’m going to start things different with this one. While this is a first-time experience for most of the other riffers, I’m the unlucky person who has seen the actual video beforehand and suffered through it like anyone else. This is the ultimate lowest low from Doug as the Nostalgia Critic, and for my opening statement, I just got to say...the internet has been a little too harsh on the guy. I’ll be repeating some things that I’ve said from my original eulogy to Doug and his series, but it’s important that I readdress these feelings that I’ve had towards him and NC. Even after ripping those previous reviews to shreds, I can’t say that I have some sort of personal vendetta towards him. My main verdict is that I don’t think of him as a competent reviewer, let alone a funny reviewer...at least not anymore.

Dare I say it, I still have some ounce of appreciation towards NC. He wasn’t the main factor towards my interest in reviewing, but he still does make up a fragment of why I’ve gotten into it in the first place. The days of the early 2010s when I enjoyed NC are long, long gone now, and as shown from my riffs, my original feelings have changed a lot. While I now think of him as an amateur reviewer, I’ll be blunt when I say that I’ve dealt with worse reviewers on the internet, and I’ve dealt with bigger scumbags on the same platform than Doug. When he’s not at his worst and lays his ego to rest, he can provide an acceptable balance between analysis and comedy. 

...Now, when Doug effs up, he screws himself up big time and his NC review of The Wall is the prime example of that. As cliche as it may be to consider this my absolute worst NC like most others, it’s understandable why it’s put on such a pedestal for being not just a bad NC video, but also as one of the worst internet reviews of all-time (if you would call it a review). I don’t need to form a great big pretentious think piece on why NC’s The Wall sucked, because it’s easy to tell why if you’re familiar with the NC series. It is an amalgamation of just about everything that is wrong with NC: the nitpicking, the pretentiousness, the general annoyance factor, the sheer lack of research and knowledge on the material being covered, the lacking sense of improvement and/or evolution as a reviewer, the shockwave of misinformation, the multitude of bad jokes, the poorly mishandled response to Doug’s affairs, the clear indications that he hasn’t moved on from his past failure, Demo Reel, given its minimal resemblance as a review, the waste of some good talents, specifically Rob Scallon, Corey Taylor, and Sam Fennah, and whatever else I didn’t mention. It even tries to pass itself off as a passion project and doesn’t make much of an effort to signify that this is a genuine tribute to Pink Floyd and their album. All that you ever hated about NC, you can see it here on full display.

Despite what some defenders will claim that this is just one bad video at the end of any day, it is a video so bad that that it cemented how most people feel about this particular creator and his contributions to the internet reviewing world, like how Cans Without Labels cemented the general outlook on John Kricfalusi and his involvement with the animation medium. When this is the best that Doug can do in his current form, it’s hard to try and come to his defense. He is better than this. I know he is. Especially after having watched this disaster, I felt that it’s best that Doug stops the NC series and moves on to something else. However, as long as Doug is continuing to keep bad company and let Mike Michaud yank his chain (he’s the one who owns the rights to NC after all), I’m afraid we won’t be seeing him improve very soon, and that’s my standing that I’m sticking to.

As I should point out, I’ve been trying to analyze and riff on these bad NC reviews from an unbiased state of mind and even though I’ve said that I’ve intended to move on from NC after I finished my top 20 worst NC reviews project, I decided to hop on this a year afterwards, and that’s never because I still have some sort of petty grudge against Doug or his series whatsoever. I’m not MisAnthro Pony, I don’t beat a dead horse to make myself look better in comparison, because I speak from my own experience on the internet when I say that I have tried to follow Doug’s example more than once only to then realize that I shouldn’t have if I was going to regret it later. I’ve joined in on the NC mockery so that I could have some fun with it before I officially move past it. Most of my time during my NC riffs, however, I can’t shy away from the fact that I have been very critical towards these particular reviews. I feel no need to say what literally everyone else has said about this disastrous “review” so instead, why don’t I spend most of my time with this last, big NC riff by having fun with the chaos? Let’s do this.

(The Channel Awesome intro plays. Cold-open on the camera making its way slowly through a darkened hallway of the office. 

Jjs: This is what over a decade of his filmmaking talent has built up to, people! Leave while you still can!

Rusty: Doug is so artistic, he doesn’t believe in PAYING YOUR FUCKING ELECTRIC BILL

Clappy: Yes. Dark rooms equal brooding atmosphere. I’m so glad you are now more or less imitating the style of filmmaking you’ve mocked for so many years.

Steel: I guess there’s no better way to start this than for Doug to fuel his obsession with dark and moody atmospheres.

It's Tamara, dressed in a maid's outfit. 

Jjs: I understand what this is referencing, but given how many fan service fantasies Tamara finds herself in...I’ll let this speak for itself.

Rusty: doug is horny again

OWM: I really do hope they’re paying her well.

Fa: But still probably not enough.

Wumbo: Doug be like “WHY aren’t you in UNIFORM”

Clappy: Doug probably has a side comment box just to ask what’s left of his viewers which fan service outfit Tamara should wear each week. Word on the street says she will be wearing Leia’s slave outfit from Return of the Jedi in the next major project.

Slug: It’s telling that this is the least-humiliating part of the video.

Steel: And to think that Doug has said that Sailor Moon creeps him out.

She walks up to a door and is about to knock on it when she spots a message that reads: "Rock star pondering. DON'T YOU DARE F@#*ING KNOCK!" 

Jjs: *knocks* Sir, your McDonalds Happy Meal is here!

Rusty: help me i don’t know what fathashstaring is 

OWM: If you were a true rock star, you would understand completely.

Clappy: He’s clearly pondering why he signed up for what we are about to witness.

Slug: The extent to which Channel Awesome is pondering is around the lines of “Should we have 6,000 or 7,000 pop culture references in this video?”

Steel: Being the starving artist that he is, it makes sense that Doug would put up this notice.

Confused, Tamara leaves, walks around a corner, notices the camera on the floor and tosses a cloth on the ground. 

Jjs: You don't find cinematic arthouse transitions like that in films today! 

Cut to black as the following words, written in the font of The Wall, appear: "Nostalgia Critic Reviews: Pink Floyd – The Wall".

Steel: - The Movie - Director’s Cut!

Jjs: Doug is going to review a wall, and he’s going to make you watch it.

OWM: Glad to see Doug is branching out to other forms of media. I fear he’s going to have competition from a similarly bald, bespectacled music critic with questionable fashion sense, though.

Wumbo: Ohhh boy it’s gonna be bloated and pretentious isn’t it?!

Clappy: Due to my failed attempts to sit down and thoroughly watch this, I’d rather watch other people react to Nostalgia Critic Reviews: Pink Floyd - The Wall.

Cut to a TV showing the YouTube logo, while piled on a table in front of it are several magazines about the band Slipknot. 

Jjs: Because when I go to a video about Pink Floyd, it’s common sense to expect a reference to Slipknot.

OWM: Hey hey, both bands have held guitars at some point in their careers. Can’t you see the similarities?

Fa: Only thirty so years between their heydays, who can tell the difference?

Wumbo: So this is the payola Doug had to shell out to get Corey Taylor on his show, huh?

Clappy: Hey now. Corey Taylor is the lead singer of Stone Sour too. Where are those magazines?

Steel: Nostalgia Critic Reviews: Pink Floyd - The Wall, starring Slipknot, except not at all. It’s just Corey Taylor since we didn’t have the budget for the full band. Oops.

Sitting on the couch is the band's lead singer, Corey Taylor, as he sits and stares. 

Jjs: Special guest star: Corey Taylor. A true celebrity everyone wanted on the show.

Rusty: who?

OWM: I take it you two didn’t have Slipknot kids at your school? But don’t you worry, I trust he’ll be well worth however much it cost to get him on here. Probably not a lot.

Wumbo: Is he looking at me through the glass?

Clappy: I guess you could say inside his shell he waits and bleeds…congrats to the one other SBCer who might get that Slipknot reference.

Slug: I don’t know anything about Slipknot or Corey Taylor, but the fact that he has resorted to appearing in Channel Awesome videos doesn’t exactly inspire much confidence in terms of his current relevance.

Steel: I do believe he’s trying to figure out Blue’s Clues.

He takes a remote control and pushes a button. The YouTube screen is displayed, showing episodes of, among other things, Law and Order, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Saturday Night Live, and The Nostalgia Critic, with a review of The Wall. 

Jjs: YouTube is sure stretched for content nowadays.

Rusty: so apparently both youtube and the NC were bought out by comcast. that would explain a lot. 

Fa: Dick Wolf produces the Nostalgia Critic now too? Egos colliding coming near you?

Clappy: Those three classic NBC programs and the Nostalgia Critic. One of these things is not like the other.

Slug: Doug, if you’re going to stroke your ego, you can do better than putting yourself in the same league as modern SNL.

Steel: No, no, no, go back to SNL!

Taylor pushes a button on the remote in the direction of NC's video, and NC appears on the screen.)

Patrick: I hate this channel. 

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NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

Jjs: Hello, I’m Jjs and I riff you so nobody else has to watch you! Brings a tear to my eye to riff this iconic line one last time. 😥

Rusty: hi i am horny...for vengeance

OWM: Hello, is there anybody in there? Just nod if y—oh wait, we’re too early.

Fa: I’m Fa and sadly I can’t forget this if I tried.

NC: And if you’re watching this right now, you will die in seven days.

Pink Floyd: The Wall...or is it Pink Floyd's The Wall? I never know where to put the "s" there…

Jjs: Wow, eleven years and Doug still doesn’t know how to use the internet! Some things truly never change. ❤️ 

Fa: I see Doug really did his research for this “love letter” to Pink Floyd...

OWM: Have you tried “Spink Floyd: The Wall?” I figured you may as well keep trying.

Wumbo: Hilarious commentary from a daft idiot. Duhhhh where does S go great fuckin review you hack

Clappy: There is no “s”. Just pointing out this minor nitpick now because I guarantee it is going to be mispronounced this entire time.

Slug: If Doug doesn’t know, then how could anyone possibly know?

is an abstract musical that musician Roger Waters described as a separation between a rock star and his audience. But it's so much more than that...I think. 

Jjs: You think? Eleven years and you’re still not confident in what you’re reviewing either? My hopes are already sky high!

Rusty: well the first problem is that he doesn’t review shit.

Clappy: I think that’s probably going to be the most actual insight we get this entire “review."

NC: And this is my interpretation of this abstract piece of art. You’ll be in for a fun and interesting little acid trip...I think.

Slug: Doug’s thinking, write it down riffers!

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When it came out in 1982, it got mixed reviews and did only okay at the box office. 

Jjs: It only had a limited theater release at the time in 1982, so I’d say it did a lil more than “only okay” given the circumstances.

Clappy: And that’s all it did. It sure didn’t develop a cult following and earn back its profit through its devoted following it gained and become one of the best musical films of all-time. Selective nitpicking at its finest.

Many saw it as too pretentious and full of itself, saying it's way…

Jjs: Ahhh, the delicious irony. *takes one last great sip*

Rusty: god, i hate the word “pretentious” like poison...seriously...it’s up there with “was this made on drugs?” as my least favourite criticisms ever 

Fa: The scent of irony is so heavy I’m practically hacking.

Clappy: Oh, that’s not the only thing now officially tied to this movie that will be deemed as pretentious and full of itself. Last chance to step away folks while you still can.

NC: ...Which is why I accept this challenge where I try to be more pretentious and full of myself than what people claim this movie to be!

Slug: In angry YouTuber language, pretentious is basically just an adjective for having themes or being more open to interpretation than a Michael Bay Transformers movie. Keep that in mind for the rest of this review.

(Corey stares at the TV and takes his sunglasses from his hat to put them on...and cut to Corey's youth, where he finishes putting them on. Young Corey is played by Corey's actual son, Griff Taylor. 

Jjs: Nepotism runs deep in Nostalgia Critic, no matter who the family is.

Rusty: this just in: sucking up still gets you ahead in the business

Wumbo: “Griff”?

Clappy: That poor kid sure will get bullied for his name for years to come. Isn’t that right Doug Funnie?

Steel: And we didn’t get to see the Critic finish his sentence. Oh yeah, that’s right. This isn’t supposed to be a legit review.

After seeing the poster to The Wall, he goes to sit at the movie theater. On screen, after the film's title, several shots of articles from critics panning the movie appear in front of the starry sky. Young Corey feels disinterested and starts to leave the theater. 

Jjs: What kind of whack theater plays critics' reviews instead of the film itself? I don't blame him for leaving.

Wumbo: Wait, it’s that easy? Okay! I am disinterested in this review!

...Okay fine I’ll stick around.

Clappy: On screen, after the YouTube video title, several shots of articles from people panning Nostalgia Critic’s The Wall appear in front of the starry sky. Young Clappy feels disinterested and exits off the internet.

Steel: That’s just about as much time as it took to make me feel unconfident about this “review” being good.

SBC: We paid 9 dollars for this?

Young Corey: And I paid 10!

All throughout, NC sings the review's first song that mirrors "When the Tigers Broke Free".)

Jjs: Did you want Doug to sing? No? Well too bad, because he’s gonna sing and YOU’RE GONNA LIKE IT! Get out of here while you still can!

Fa: I’m not even gonna mention the quality of Doug’s attempt at singing. I’m just gonna say the fact that multiple people heard this and didn’t stop it shows how much of a circlejerk Channel Awesome truly is.

Clappy: That poor diseased parakeet. Someone put it out of its misery for the love of…oh wait? That’s Doug’s singing voice? And it’s going to be heard for the next 40 something minutes? 

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Steel: *In the worst NC impression possible* In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the tigers broke freeeeeeeee~

Slug: If you guys think this is bad you aren’t prepared for when Doug enters the Vocaloid V-Tuber business.

NC: It was just before dusk

One dark weekend evening

Rusty: yes doug, that’s how evenings work

Steel: Sick lyrics, dude.

While on your way home,

When all the critics told you

Pink Floyd's "Wall" was shite,

Jjs: “Reviewing The Wall on their television programme At the Movies in 1982, film critics Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel gave the film "two thumbs up".” 🤔

Rusty: he ignores that because they disagreed with his opinion

Clappy: Slapshit?

Wumbo: “Pink Floyd’s Wall was shit-shit”

Fa: Doug must’ve been unable to trademark Crapstick. 🙁

Steel: Somehow he had the decency to use the term ‘shite’ on behalf of The Wall being a British piece of work.

Slug: What critics do you speak of? I don’t acknowledge any critics who don’t have fursonas which cross their arms when they disapprove of something.

When you thought it was kind of all right.

And the masses gave thanks

As the movie tanked,

Jjs: Despite the fact that, at one single theater in its opening weekend, grossed over $68,000, a rare feat by today’s standards, but yeah it “tanked.” You’re right as always!

Rusty: he ignores that as well, because it disagrees with his opinion. doug seriously wants to kill us all.

Wumbo: If anyone knows about tanking, it’s the guy who made Demo Reel!

Clappy: As did Pop Quiz Hotshot!

NC: Though some have praised it, my need to acknowledge that is blank.

Fading into obscurity for a while.

The arthouse ego trip

Jjs: Now you’re making this one too easy. Nope, I will not take the bait!

NC: Will be tested by my juvenile quips.

Slug: Normally this is where I would make the “Ha, Doug is describing his own video!” jab but that would imply that this resembles anything close to arthouse.

Had fallen, then slipped

Into the bargain bin for $3.93.

Jjs: I have never been more grateful that I’m not actually watching or hearing this.

OWM: That’s probably the best move you’ve ever made when you started this.

Clappy: Still a better deal than any Channel Awesome merchandise. Buy a “Hyper Fangirl” t-shirt for $24 today…I wish I was joking about the price.

NC: But do please ignore that my anniversary specials are as worthless as pennies.

Slug: Does Doug work for Nintendo? $3.93 for The Wall seems like a killer deal to me. No complaints here.

(In the present day, Corey finishes taking off his sunglasses and continues staring. 

Jjs: I hope you guys are enjoying Corey’s creepy stare. 

Wumbo: I don’t know how much time has passed

Clappy: He’s just sitting there. Menacingly.

Steel: He doesn’t seem to be quite done with his self-imposed staring contest.

Slug: dIN3xqR7J-iYWJzNBx1r-nUyyt6wf2qjRlp46zBI

Outside the room, Tamara walks to the door again. She hesitates at first, 

Jjs: The most sympathetic character in this video, I’m sensing. 

Wumbo: GET OUT! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Tamara: For the last time, I’m not letting your creepy fans indulge in another one of their weird fantasies of me! 

as we cut to Corey's hand in close-up that shows he's holding a fully burnt cigarette. 

Jjs: You’re getting closer Doug, but again, I’ve been saying since the first riff to try weed.

OWM: Or how about LSD? It would really get him into the spirit of Pink Floyd.

Clappy: Or how about neither and don’t do drugs. Otherwise, you’ll make something as bad as this.

Tamara slowly puts her hand close to door to knock on it...and a sudden cut to a huge crowd at a rock concert, field of cows...exploding, 

Jjs: It’s not our last NC riff without senseless murder either!

OWM: I await the introduction of a new wacky character for him to beat up. Any minute now.

Disapproving Cow: Moooooooo

Clappy: Doug Walker says support the 2nd Amendment for like the 500th time.

Steel: A moment of silence for the bovines that have been nuked to death for the entertainment of one critic of nostalgia.

and NC on TV suddenly wearing a "faceless" mask for some split seconds and leaning to the camera. 

Jjs: He predicted Covid too!?

OWM: He predicted Dream too!?

NC: But the fact is, I’m failing as a reviewer. They think that I need to do something newer. I just really wish I could be a pursuer. That’s what the mask is. That’s what the point of the mask is.

Slug: Hey, they know the Channel Awesome target demographic!

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Corey's eyes widen from surprise. Many one-second shots feature not only the crowd and Corey's crazy reactions, but also NC trying to break the TV screen...and SpongeBob SquarePants?

Jjs: ...I-I guess it’s fitting that he appears for a riff show on the SpongeBob Community but uhh, I’m very confused out of my mind on what SpongeBob has to do with Pink Floyd (and I guess so was the transcript writer if they have to present it with a ?). I doubt Jersey weed will make this click either, so come up with your own clever interpretation on why SpongeBob is here, because it probably makes more sense than whatever Doug had in mind.

Rusty: spongebob and nc have one thing in common: they absolutely, positively, undeniably, do not know when they should just keel over and fucking end. then again, we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for both of them going on for 12+ years so, i guess we should be thankful...

those two things are gonna outlast me, aren’t they?

OWM: I decided to Google “Pink Floyd SpongeBob” to try and understand what the connection was. I did not, but I did find this. Is anyone else enough of a nerd to actually understand this meme?

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Wumbo: I will say that whoever created that meme still has a better understanding of The Wall than Doug does.

Steel: Don’t you all understand? This is meant to be clever foreshadowing for Corey Taylor to sing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme. The payoff will turn out fine, right? ….Right?

Slug: This was the same year people wanted “Sweet Victory” to be played at the Super Bowl. So maybe being unfamiliar with the show, Doug thought that to appease people he’d feature the show in a review about a musical? I genuinely have no clue why SpongeBob is in this review at all but that’s all I can think of at the moment.

Clappy: You guys are more concerned about SpongeBob while I’m more concerned about Doug Walker literally trying to break the fourth wall and come exact his revenge on us riffing his stupid show.

After NC makes the final hit on the glass, several screenshots of the movie in question appear as the rendition of "In the Flesh?" is heard playing.

Jjs: So once again I ask, why didn’t he do screenshots of the movie instead of cosplaying reenactments? It’s like he’s teasing us with what we know would be less insufferable and enjoying every second of it.

Fa: Honestly, the way the shots appear make it look like something he threw up in PowerPoint one night.

Steel: I can see an excuse in the lawyers of the company withholding the right to this film being strict about how the footage of the film used, but they can’t be THAT protective, right? I mean, it’s not like the Critic is reviewing a Nintendo-owned property.

The screen explodes once more, 

Jjs: I think we can all safely agree now Doug has no right to be bitching about any of Michael Bay’s senseless explosions.

OWM: DOUGLAS DARIEN WALKER is complaining about too many explosions?

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Steel: How very peculiar of the Critic, I thought he already played his own opening theme transition.

giving NC access to break free and get out of the TV 

Clappy: Someone alert the authorities.

Rusty: oh dear god he escaped run

Slug: I should’ve known my 4K TV came with strings attached.

and into Corey's room. He sings to him.)

NC: Been a long time

Steel: Solemn reminder to those who haven’t seen the video that he’s putting on the most overexaggerated impression of Roger Waters imaginable and this won’t be the only time he attempts to make himself sound like him. 

Since you've seen

Pink Floyd's The Wall.

Jjs: Something tells me it’s definitely been a long time since he’s seen it too. :bruh:  

OWM: Well, I’m listening to it now. Do you think I have the full experience?

Clappy: Yep. It has. I’m going to go pop that in instead.

NC: You must remember now before my career makes a big fall.

Slug: I genuinely wonder if that bit about “Where the ‘s’ goes” in the film’s title was just entirely an excuse so that people don’t badger him about how he says it here.

Slipknot, Stone Sour, so much happened since you

Jjs: Dang, I forgot it’s also common sense to expect a Stone Sour reference in a Pink Floyd video too! I’m the jackass here, not Doug.

Clappy: Yes Doug. I too can go to Wikipedia to see which bands Corey Taylor is the lead singer of. 

Thought of it at all.

Tell me when you were a fan of the band, Corey.

Is this quite what you expected to see?

Fa: My expectations were low but somehow you managed to go even lower.

OWM: Well, more like expected to read for us riffers. Thank god we aren’t hearing anything, though.

Clappy: Sadly, yes. This is exactly what I expected a Demo Reel inspired cover of The Wall to be.

NC: I hope you don’t mind that my singing is as irritating as Mr. Whitey.

If you want to find out what's behind this weird shit,

Slug: For Doug’s sake I’ll just say it's the cocaine.

Wumbo: Hi folks! Wumbo here again. Given that this is the final episode of the Nostalgia Critic’s Wacky Ride, I thought I’d introduce an invention called “The Shit-Disturber”. It’s a device that calculates exactly how many times Doug uses the word “shit” for lack of a better vocabulary (or, in this case, rhyme). Why doesn’t “shite” count? Well, it’s British, you see, and we’re going to allow Doug as much leeway as possible to pretend he even knows a single thing about Pink Floyd! Anyway, Shit-Disturber, GO!

Shit-Disturber Count: 1

You'll first have to figure if it's lame or legit!

Slug: Figure out? That implies we don’t know the answer already.

Jjs: Tonight on Nostalgia Critic, it’s time for a game of LAME OR LEGIT! First topic: the song you just witnessed.

OWM: Ooh! Ooh! Can I guess? I have a very strong feeling that it’s one particular option out of those.

Clappy: Do I have to answer in the form of a question? 

Fa: I’m gonna go with lame to be safe.

Wumbo: Still a better game show than Pop Quiz Hotshot.

Steel: Pink Floyd’s The Wall can’t possibly be lamer than your interpretation of it, Critic.

(More quick clips are shown, including what the viewer will see in the video. 

Jjs: Which I’m sure will be the most important clips related to the “story arc.”

After this and another boom, we fade to another flashback, with young Corey at the computer at home.)

Jjs: Young Corey! Only on TBS, Very Funny.

Rusty: Corey at the computer. This Tuesday at 9.

Corey's father (Barney Walker):

Wumbo: Doug this is elder abuse

Clappy: I’m starting to feel less and less bad for Pa Walker the more he gets involved with this show.

Jjs: Doug’s dad sure must not have much to do nowadays with how much of a recurring actor he appears to be in the show now. I guess that’s what happens when all of your fellow reviewers leave.

OWM: Spending your retirement dressing up in costumes to play in your son’s vanity projects is something most Americans could only dream of.

Steel: Man, imagine calling in your own dad to act as Corey Taylor’s dad for your weird ego trip. What else can I really say?

Slug: UDzBV5YKp7AjKvEc88ySFmcfuMr8caRcgtsCx9eq

(offscreen) All right, Corey. You can use my computer to do your homework, but no looking through my desk. Got it?

(We immediately cut to Corey searching through several papers and magazines in the desk's drawer. 

Rusty: Who could’ve seen that gag coming.

Jjs: Wait, hold on a second there, horndog. Can’t...he use his dad’s computer to look up porn instead of digging through his magazines? We’ve barely started and already the intro for the “storyline” feels clunky. Of course, maybe I’m the idiot here again for thinking too deeply into this, which, fair enough.

OWM: Hey hey, this was the 90s, a time where it would take eleven hours to load up just a single breast. No one has time for any of that.

Clappy: Or he could just ask Maid Tamara to dress up as whatever fetish young Corey desires.

Steel: Oh my god, he looked inside his desk, who would’ve guessed!? M. Night Shyamalan wishes he could make compelling twists such as this!

Corey then discovers a VHS of The Wall and examines it. He puts it in VCR and sits on the floor to watch. 

Jjs: Oh good, now we’re blatantly repeating the setup for the Hocus Pocus episode. And who says Doug isn’t original!?

Clappy: YOU FOOL! YOU’LL UNLEASH DOUG MIDLER FROM THE HOCUS FUCKUS!

Throughout this, a reprise of "When the Tigers Broke Free" rendition is sung by NC.)

NC: Good old Pink Floyd

Made a movie devoid

Of even the slightest bit of subtlety.

Jjs: I’m glad we have Doug here with this totally not unsubtle song to call out a movie’s lack of subtlety.

Fa: Good ol’ Doug

Made a review devoid

Of even the most constructive bit of critique

NC: For that, their good reputation I shall have destroyed

While I- Oh crap, nothing rhymes with subtlety. Alright, I better come up with something…

The production was fancy,

But way too damn angsty

Wumbo: Q_tmQhzjdkO6N8D8QeJDi_4cqxQr6Tcnkk4cINUW

For adults to take seriously.

Jjs: Pink Floyd themselves don’t hold A CANDLE to these masterful lyrics.

Rusty: It’s war, Doug.

OWM: The original lyrics to this song are about Roger Waters’ father being killed in battle during World War II. Be sure to think about that as you read through these masterful new lyrics.

Wumbo: It’s a laugh and a half that Doug Walker presents himself as the authority on what adults take seriously or not.

Clappy: Says the adult who reviews children’s shows and movies like 80% of the time.

Will Smith: Parents just don’t understand!

NC: And even though my rhyming makes my idol Dr. Seuss roll in his grave, I’ll be able to review this film imperiously.

Slug: Devil Boner is what the ADULTS are looking for!

But I found it one day

Behind dad's porno stash, (As this line is sung, a cover for "Weird Ass What Magazine" is shown, with a tagline "Super Hot! Super Weird! Super What?")

Jjs: And just like that, Doug’s plug completely tanked this magazine’s sales. 

OWM: Be sure to think about that.

Wumbo: What do you say we dick the balls with… I can’t even be bothered to remember the rest of the line.

Clappy: You know. For kids! There, I said the meme so Doug didn’t have to.

Steel: “Weird Ass What” and “Super What?” Yeah, you got that right.

Slug: The only way I can imagine one mustering the courage to watch this video through would be for someone to have a humiliation kink, so I guess I’ll give Channel Awesome props here for thematic consistency.

Hidden away.

And my eyes still grew big

Steel: Because of that porn stash, I assume?

Jjs: Probably just the blue meth, or keeping in line with Pink Floyd, LSD, kicking in.

Slug: SpVzUUtKzMH9ZfjmzpXwb0-uz5-ocS7-eNZYDN2T

At the feelings he felt.

Rusty: so many innuendos, so little time.

And discovered I felt the same thing.

Jjs: Oh, he felt something, alright. :funny: 

Clappy: That feeling is embarrassment.

(The guitars in the song start rocking harder as Corey stands up, puts on his rock musician attire and takes a guitar. He looks in to the mirror.)

Jjs: Probably looking into his soul for a few seconds to ponder on what exactly he’s gotten himself into and why he’s starring in this.

OWM: He’s got a whole double album to get through now, except with the Nostalgia Critic’s loving touch added on. I’d have to do some self-reflection too.

*record scratch*

Corey: Yep. That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up here. Well keep watching this shitty parody of a timeless classic movie to find out.

Corey: When will my reflection show who I am insiiiiiiiide~

Slug: “How much longer do I have to do this until I get my paycheck?”

Kids' emotions are flawed,

But they're nevertheless raw,

Fa: Doug the master of the worthless rhyme that’s just not worth your time!

Rusty: yes that’s how kids’ emotions work..at least that’s how they worked for me

Felt when The Wall broke free!

Every rock star that's wild

Was a rage-driven child,

Slug: Nah, just you.

Like in this movie!

Jjs: See folks, here’s your shoehorned reminder everything connects to the movie, in case my parody was losing your attention!

Rusty: doug really thinks we’re idiots huh

They all dreamed just like Floyd,

Most of them falling

Into the void! (The void!)

Jjs: As seen in The Review Must Go On!

Rusty: the void of what? bad parodies, cause this definitely deserves to be in there.

Fa: The void of lost time -- I’ve already lost the equivalent of two viewings worth in there.

And that's why I watch, despite it

Being so whiny,

Rusty: oh shut up and admit you’re just here for the check.

Clappy: Doug Walker literally has no ground to stand on with the claim of any media being ‘too whiny’.

NC: Though my scope of understanding why it’s so beloved is tiny…

Slug: There is something ironic about complaining about a piece of media being too whiny when the entire bedrock of Doug’s career is complaining about the works of others.

You see.

Jjs: Thank you, your perspective really opened up my mind.

(Cut to the present day, where Corey, still sitting, 

Wumbo: Still staring

Patrick Star: MENACINGLY!

Jjs: I really hope Corey was paid well to mainly stare and sit around.

Clappy: You see guys. The metaphor is that Corey is us. Just sitting there staring and pondering at whatever the hell he’s watching.

Steel: Corey will be a world champion sitter and starer at this rate.

slowly makes a glance outside his room, where a very familiar dark CGI creature

Rusty: oh god i don’t want to see what it looks like with doug’s budget

Slug: “““““Familiar”””””

with one red eye and one white eye, which is wearing a red hat and giving a slasher smile, peeks from another door.)

Jjs: For those wondering what in god’s name he’s referencing here, I had to do deep James Bond level investigation of my own to figure it out, but I finally realized who this “very familiar dark CGI creature” is supposed to be:

https://satellite-city.fandom.com/wiki/Lucy_Lacemaker 

You’re welcome. If you still don’t know who this is after that, same here.

Steel: And if you think that you won’t have to remember this later, well...just wait until this mess progresses.

Fa: I’ll buy a bottle of those amnesia pills now thank you.

OWM: “She currently lives in the Croft Estate with multiple other Kivouachians after the Mandus Conflict and destruction of the Kivouack.”

...what

Wumbo: IT’S BLACK WILLY WONKA

Clappy: I refuse to believe that Doug is giving clout to any other CGI artists not named Jim Jarosz.

Slug: I have no idea what Satellite City is, but I can’t help but feel sorry for the creator that this video will be the most exposure they’ll ever get.

Voice: Corey!... Corey!...

(Smash cut to Corey's childhood again, 

Jjs: Is this “parody” a secretly disguised origin story for Corey Taylor in the Channel Awesome lore?

OWM: Doesn’t he fit in well next to characters like “Hyper Fangirl” and “Devil Boner?"

Rusty: and the Santa who says the N-Word?

where he sits behind a school desk wearing headphones and is surrounded by his teacher, played by Rob Scallon, 

Jjs: Doug’s go to music guy, in the flesh!

Rusty: rob is definitely just here for the check

OWM: “Hey Tamara, your husband’s like, really into music and stuff, right? Do you think he could completely recreate Pink Floyd’s The Wall album note-for-note so I can squeal all over the instrumentals like a kindergartener?”

Wumbo: “He can wear a maid outfit too if he wants.”

Clappy: Wow. The “Jem and the Holograms” star. In the flesh.

and his classmates (Tamara, Walter, Malcolm and Heather).)

Jjs: No role from our boy Jim Jarosz? I am offended by his exclusion here, he would’ve fit the fifth classmate role perfectly.

OWM: This review is nothing without him. How could you, Doug?

Clappy: Let’s give him a “fuck yeah, sparkle sparkle” riff in his honor for his exclusion.

Steel: I guess you can say that, all in all, Jim became another brick in the wall.

Teacher: Corey! (slams ruler on the desk) Pay attention!

Jjs: Go easy on him, it’s a miracle he’s even paid attention to this video as long as he has.

Scallon: You’ll never be able to learn how to properly waste your good musical talents on a disgraced internet reviewer like I am doing if you don’t pay attention!

Slug: Pay attention so I don’t have to.

(The classmates giggle mischievously. Corey takes off the headphones.)

Jjs: Calm your mischievous giggles, it’s just a kid being a rebel, it ain’t like he said penis.

Teacher: (takes out an audio cassette) What's this? Hmm. Pink Floyd? The boy fancies himself a musician.

Jjs: Did you expect him to be listening to Slipknot or Stone Sour?

Rusty: of course they do that scene

OWM: If he were born just a decade or two later, he could be listening to an album far, far better, available on Amazon for just $9.49.

qrGAmTztgEK2ith7RfkS5cwCezNsBOoS3VHYdWZP

Wumbo: I’d fancy myself a musician too, rather than whatever garbage Doug is trying to sing.

Clappy: Or being Doug’s go-to music guy.

Steel: Yeah, because “I’M A MOTHERFUCKIN’ TEEEEEEEEEEE-REX!” is what truly “defines” real music. 

(The classmates giggle again as the teacher puts the cassette in Walter's shirt pocket.)

Jjs: New drinking game: Take a shot every time the classmates giggle. You will need an ambulance ready on speed dial.

OWM: Walter White is in this? And yet our king Jim Jarosz was just too unattainable.

Teacher: It's rubbish. Now, what did I just say, Corey?

Young Corey: "We don't need no education"?

Clappy: He said it. He said the thing! TTbX4iXKRuLaTumlIucyxlzAeApNaiMca6nU7c-s

(The classmates giggle.)

Steel: Can someone turn off the laughing gas already?

Teacher: Well, that's grammatically incorrect, so, apparently, you do need some education.

Rusty: that’s awful even for a dad joke. 

Jjs: Should’ve been music class, because Doug could sure use that too.

Wumbo: “How could I improve on The Wall with my witty dialogue? Oh, I have an idea!”

Steel: “Are you not pleased with my glorious review? No matter, I’ll boast my genius grammar skills to you, so there!”

(Another giggle.)

Teacher: School is no laughing matter. Do you know what we're teaching in these walls?

Clappy: Incorrect grammar apparently.

Slug: Can’t believe they're teaching Critical Race Theory.

Young Corey: How to fix a car, pay your taxes, ace an interview, perform first aid, manage your insurance, cook healthy meals, or do household repairs?

Rusty: yes thats what everybody else has been saying doug. i know you wrote this. 

Teacher: Preposterous! We pay other people to do these things. We teach important things you need to know in life. Like Algebra, Trigonometry, Physics, Geology, Sex Ed. (The classmates wince.) 

Jjs: I think you mean the classmates giggle.

OWM: Here we see Doug implying sex ed isn’t important to everyday life. 

...

...Yeah.

Fa: Physics? Pssh, who cares about that gravity nonsense?

Steel: Excuse me, I could’ve sworn it’s learning how to use correct grammar that comes first.

Oh, that's right. You have letters that say you don't need to learn that. Well, it shouldn't be too important. Especially in the case of that kid.

(The classmates giggle once again.)

Jjs: 24. *giggles*

Clappy: Want to hear something funnier than 24? Doug parodying a movie that’s so far out of his depth.

Steel: They must be laughing about how bad NC’s The Wall is. If that’s the case, I don’t blame them.

Teacher: Do you laugh at everything?! 

Jjs: REAL SUBTLE DOUG LOL

Rusty: you know what fixes a problem? lampshading it instead of fixing it. /s

Fa: Self-awareness? Nah, no chance.

Clappy: Show them this YouTube video. That will kill the element of comedy real quick.

Steel: I suppose the giggling students is a reference from the film, but Doug hasn’t been providing a clear understanding of it, so why should I have to make this suggestion?

Slug: For a movie Doug says lacks subtlety, Doug’s idea of “Satire” is to directly explain to you what he dislikes about the film in the most obvious and clumsy way imaginable.

Well, anyway, continue to act like the oppressed. And me, the oppressor. Rock albums seem to really eat that shit up.

Jjs: VERY VERY SUBTLE. I am so glad the parody is even more subtle than the movie it’s parodying!

Shit-Disturber Count: 2

Slug: Is Corey a gamer? Not sure if he can be oppressed otherwise.

(Hearing another giggle from the students, the teacher turns to hit them with a ruler. 

Jjs: Thank you.

Clappy: And by them, he hit Malcolm. 

The outside of this school, which looks like a castle from a horror movie, is shown with thunderstorm and bats flying out.)

Clappy: You know what that means….

Jjs: Hey, it’s not Nostalgiaween yet!

Wumbo: MMMMMMMM

Dracula-esque voice (Doug): Welcome to high school, where all the teachers are monsters. I know they look like they want to teach you something, but they don't! They just want to eat you up, because we're evil, bloodsucking vampire things! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jjs: Doug being a vampire is good symbolic imagery for how this show has morphed into an undead supernatural monster.

Clappy: Or the fact that Doug sucks at comedy.

OWM: Apologies to Katie.

Fa: There’s no other way I can describe this sequence, writing and visually, except as cheap and terrible.

Wumbo: Imagine writing this and thinking, “This is good. I am making very good points here, and using irony exceptionally well. My audience will love this!” At some point, when trying so desperately to prove the movie moronic, you end up sounding like a moron yourself. You have definitely crossed that line here. This is incoherent. “I know they look like they want to teach you something but they don’t”?? What are you even trying to say, Doug?

Steel: Man, Monster High was weirder than I thought it was.

Slug: Not sure about my blood, but this section is indeed sucking out my soul.

(The bat with a "faceless" mask flies next to Corey walking solemnly in the school's halls. The rendition of the famous "Another Brick in the Wall" begins. While NC sings onscreen and offscreen, the four classmates march in a row wearing "faceless" masks. 

Clappy: I don’t think you guys can clearly grasp how batshit insane this is without an actual image.  

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You’re welcome.

Jjs: I personally now headcanon that this episode was responsible for Covid’s creation.

OWM: I personally now headcanon that this episode was responsible for Dream, and other Minecraft YouTubers. A far, far worse plague.

Steel: BUT THE FACT IS-

Throughout the sequence, the shots from the movie are shown.)

Jjs: Just in case you guys still aren’t sure what I’m parodying.

Wumbo: GOD TAKE ME BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN DOUG WOULD JUST SHOW CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE

Clappy: I’ll take 100 more Big Lipped Alligator Moments over another second of this.

Steel: Just give me the actual movie instead, better yet.

NC: We need more victimization.

Wumbo: We don’t care if the lines sound stilted and strange.

NC: I don’t need no education... 

Slug: Yes, because we all know the best music is about how complaining is lame, and that we should all just accept the status quo. Inspiring!

Dracula-esque voice: There are no good teachers! Not one, not even by accident!

Jjs: It’s not our last riff without Doug taking a work’s message to the most unnecessary extremes either!

Clappy: Yes Doug. Please talk down to the education system just like you do to your audience.

Fa: Lulz Doug, it’s a criticism of the educational SYSTEM itself, not just teachers. Do your research goddammit.

Rusty: Teachers were my greatest friends in high school, a school full of /pol/ wannabes, fake middle classians who didn’t give a shit about anybody but themselves, and literal fuckin neo-nazis, Doug, so please, with all due respect in the world, shut the fuck up.

Slug: Can it really count as parody if you’re just more or less making up what the message of the song was supposed to be from such hyperbolic extrapolation?

NC: We need more stuff to rebel.

NC: Because doing premeditated research on The Wall is for chumps.

Dracula-esque voice: We don't want to help you! We just want to eat your blood and suck your veins!

NC: Though our education system's broke. (As he sings this, the screenshot of an article "18 reasons why the US education system is failing" appears.)

Clappy: Reason 19. This video’s existence.

Jjs: Yes, because Pink Floyd, a British band...would be...critiquing the American education system…

OWM: Roger Waters was surprisingly woke about the pressing issue of vampires hiding in American institutions. Couldn’t you decipher that from his lyrics?

Rusty: Can’t wait to hear about doug’s thoughts on the american education system 20 million fucking times.

Wumbo: I can’t even decipher what part of the song this is supposed to be.

Slug: Does Doug not know that Roger Waters is British? I guess not knowing anything about the rest of the world IS the most American thing possible.

Fa: I’m sure Roger was critiquing modern day America and not the post-war Britain he grew up in obviously. I know he wants to make a point, but it’s so insipid.

NC: So dark sarcasm is all I can spew.

Dracula-esque voice: Well, maybe it's the other way around. I don't know! I get the high school education! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

NC: This is pandering like hell.

Jjs: Oh, we’re in hell, alright.

Fa: Pandering to whom exactly?

Wumbo: Did you mean to say “as”? Or is the worst thing about Satan that he talks down to you?

Clappy: Pandering to hell’s key demographic: Doug Walker stans.

Dracula-esque voice: Remember that one teacher who seemed cool? He wasn't! He was all part of the plan!

Wumbo: Yet another review that reads like that annoying friend who you don’t invite to watch parties anymore.

Slug: This is the most boomer shit I’ve read in awhile. It gives me the same vibes as bootstrappers who say stuff like “I worked hard at my job and did well, why are you complaining about your wage slavery? Just work harder, dude.” Not everyone is lucky enough to have your “Cool” teachers, Doug.

NC: HEY! WHO CARES?! All this bitching sells!

Jjs: That may as well be the show’s new motto right there, since “I remember it so you don’t have to” clearly has worn out its welcome.

Clappy: Yeah sure. It still “sells”. Keep telling yourself that Doug.

Fa: I feel like the response to this “review” works against that argument Doug. 

Rusty: He sadly still has youtube subscribers so he's not wrong.

NC: Hey! You don’t like this? Then you’re all a bunch of grumps!

Slug: I can’t believe a guy who thinks that criticizing repressive systems in any capacity is “bitching” didn’t end up making a great Pink Floyd parody.

Dracula-esque voice: Remember that one teacher who seemed really kind and gave you candy?

Clappy: Doug Walker says get in his van, kids.

Fa: Oh yeah, he looked like this I think: 2fEisr4RW76rcgh18EhI4P-N94Kzh-Xr9_Ov2LLS

Slug:

(The "faceless" students start walking in the row across the screen.)

NC: Well, oh, well, we got another hit in the wall.

Wumbo: ???

Rusty: one of the worst lyrics I've ever heard, thanks doug

NC: All in all, it’s just that my career has taken a big fall.

Dracula-esque voice: That candy was really sugar-coated children's souls!

Steel: Hey, that’s my favorite kind of candy!

Slug: I mean when companies like Mars, Nestlé and Hershey are ok with child slavery this only seems like the logical next step.

NC: LOL, so school sucks. Grow a damn pair of balls.

Jjs: HEY LOSER WHERE’S PATTI MAYONNAISE

Doug: LMFAO ROFL I AM HIP AND RAD KIDS 

Wumbo: This motherfucker just used “LOL” in a song parody like he’s 15 years old and it’s 2007. Kill me. 

Clappy: How do you do fellow kids, amirite?

Rusty: Wow he’s old and out of touch, who’d’ve thunk it.

Steel: Yeah, tell that to the kids that have dealt with: peer pressure, substance abuse and/or addiction, long-lasting self-esteem issues, hard discipline, unhelpful staff, physical, verbal, or psychological damage from bullying on a regular basis from students or teachers, suicidal thoughts/tendencies caused from all that I’ve just mentioned, and oh yeah...those who’ve dealt with the brutal British education system from Roger Waters’ very own experiences up to the release of the album, when it was still a hot button issue, which as you should’ve known, Doug, is exactly what the song is tackling.

Slug: It’s just mind-boggling how insulting Doug is with his attempt to dunk on Pink Floyd throughout this entire sequence. Roger Waters grew up in a time when the education system in the UK was brutally repressive, yet Doug’s response amounts to “Shut up and dribble” because his experiences with it were fine. It’s like seeing a piece of media about an abusive household, and going “Well my parents were cool, stop whining lol.”

Dracula-esque voice: CHILDREN'S SOULS! We're so evil! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Wumbo: YES WE GET IT ISN’T IT FUNNY THAT THIS FILM IS SO OVER THE TOP WITH ITS PORTRAYAL OF TEACHERS?? WRITE A SECOND JOKE JESUS CHRIST

Dracula: CEASSSSSE AND DESISSSSSSSSST!

(The classmates start running in slow-motion as NC and the teacher rampage in the city as giants.)

Jjs: I’ve had enough of Doug’s fetishes for a lifetime, inflation is where I draw the line!

Clappy: Next time on Nostalgia Critic, Doug makes out with himself.

Kids: You call visualizations.

Doug’s actors: We don’t need no pre-planned vocal training.

Dracula-esque voice: It's all the part of our secret plan to make sure you're more likely to get a job when you're older!

Rusty: well it’s failing then, isn’t it.

Jjs: I can only wonder the reactions from Doug’s teachers seeing what job he ended up with.

Fa: As a soon to be teacher, I express disappointment on their behalf.

OWM: “Yeah, that kid’s sure going to great places.”

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Come to think about it, he might actually be the most famous person to come out of that graduating class. Make of that what you will.

Wumbo: This is pandering like hell.

Clappy: Wasn’t he himself a teacher before all this? He would know about preparing the future.

Dracula-esque voice: Yes, feel the wrath of my persistent yet irritating straw man statements!

Slug: I can’t say Doug’s career reflects well on his teachers then.

Kids: Milking your gloom and pity.

Doug’s actors: We’re trying to sound like British schoolkids, but we can’t. Cor blimey! Bugger! God save the Queen! Tea and crumpets! Jolly good show! Innit, eh? Please help us, we’re being forced to do this against our will- 

Dracula-esque voice: Mwa-ha-ha-ha! How terrible is that?! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Kids: You hated school, who the hell didn't?

Rusty: doug has transformed into boomer

Dracula-esque voice: It's like those 90's commercials where the adults looked like bad guys.

Jjs: Hey guys, remember when you loved my commercial reviews? LOVE ME AGAIN PLEASE ☹️

Member Berries: GN6I70xSZ7UHoxp_lX7jfBVNlsAMTXbzRWMPg2V5

Wumbo: The Wall = some Sunny D commercial, I guess. Brilliant as always, Doug.

Clappy: Hey guys, remember when I reviewed solely nostalgic properties?

Steel: Are you really a vampire, Doug? Because you’re sucking out the humor of this “review” completely dry with your so-called Dracula impression. 

Kids: What's next, hating DMVs?

Wumbo: Are you sure you didn’t mean to say “TMZ”? We all know how tired it is to hate on them, right? I mean, imagine doing it for half of a 40-minute review video!

Clappy: Nah, my guess is hating your show. Check out that dislike bar.

Steel: DMVs were always ‘hated’ in a sense, so what point are you trying to make?

Dracula-esque voice: Except they weren't 90's commercials, they were mini-documentaries! It's all true! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jjs: It’s like those 90’s commercials, except they weren’t! Perfect summary for how clunky this sequence flows.

Steel: That is...not how you make an analogy, but why should I complain when this is coming from Doug?

Kids: Hey! Waters! Leave it on FB!

OWM: I doubt he’ll be doing that anytime soon.

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/roger-waters-rejects-facebook-offer-another-brick-in-the-wall-1183773/

Wumbo: Finger on the pulse calling Facebook “FB”, or in desperate need of a rhyme? You decide!

Clappy: Instead share it on Twitter. That’ll go well.

Steel: Hey! Doug! Leave The Wall alone!

Dracula-esque voice: We really don't see what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so great!

Jjs: Just like that, Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s sales also tanked due to this plug.

OWM: Just like that, I permanently lose my appetite for Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Amazing what the Critic does to your body.

Wumbo: He is so stunningly bad at this that he comes up with the vaguest, most meaningless comparison and can’t even come up with one good example. The Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials didn’t portray adults as “bad guys”, just clueless. You reference it right fuckin’ there, man! How are you going to continue calling yourself the Nostalgia Critic if you can’t even remember the script of 90s commercials anymore?

Clappy: Which reminds me, Cinnamon Toast Crunch was going to sponsor this episode of Jjs Riffing Theater 3000…until they realized we are riffing the self-proclaimed worst thing on the internet. And now we’re still sponsorless. Let’s see if Hello Fresh will take a chance on us or Skillshare.

Steel: Silly Critic, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is for kids!

Kids: All in all, complaining doesn't mean much at all!

Wumbo: Remember kids, shut up about your problems! They don’t mean anything.

Rusty: this mentality is how you get doormats like me.

Steel: Yeah, just like all this pointless cherry-picking that’s happening literally right now.

Slug: Yet you complain about The Wall, hmmmm, curious.

Dracula-esque voice: BECAUSE WE'RE OLD! MWA-HA-HA-HA!

Kids: But who cares? It's still a damn cool song in The Wall!

Jjs: Is that...praise I see??? I hope you enjoy that bread crumb of “fair and balanced”, Pink Floyd fans!

OWM: I wonder what it would be like to hear this terrible faux-vampire impression for five minutes straight when watching the actual thing.

Clappy: And there’s Doug Walker. Eating his own tail. For like the 29484845th time.

Steel: “This song is preachy as all hell and no one cares about Waters telling us how bad the British education system was back then, but the song still slaps, I guess.” - Probably Doug.

Slug: For what Doug calls a “Love letter” it is interesting that he almost exclusively focuses on what he dislikes about the film/album.

Dracula-esque voice: Bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh! I'm a teacher! Bleh-bleh-bleh!

Steel: Bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh! This parody song is giving me salmonella and therefore I must vomit! Bleh-bleh-bleh!

Kids: We still need more persecution.

Wumbo: GOOD FUCKING GOD HOW LONG DOES THIS SHIT GO?? YOU NEEDED TO ADD ANOTHER FUCKING VERSE TO SAY HOW WHINY THE MOVIE IS STILL? GIVE IT A REST

Rusty: goddammit doug do you have to go all boomer again

Steel: Just stop already! I don’t care that you don’t care about this song’s message!

Dracula-esque voice: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I'll suck your blood, bleh!

Jjs: Doug really needs to lay off the laughing gas.

Fa: I ran to the store in the time it took for this song to finish.

Wumbo: Because this was clearly essential to add to the script!

Clappy: You know that Adam Sandler guy? That guy you constantly mock on your own show and “murdered” his fan base for “the laughs”. You’re really making his Dracula impression look like a master work of art right now.

Steel: Even Hotel Transylvania’s very own Dracula won’t be pleased with Doug’s impersonation, that I’m sure.

Kids: They don't need to hear you cunts.

Wumbo: OHHHHH DID HE JUST SAY THAT OHHHH CAN HE SAY THAT

Clappy: Only edgelords would find that funny. This is more sad and desperate trying to shock his viewers now.

FCC: HERE WE COME

Slug: I'm sure this line would’ve been cutting edge to 13 year-olds in 2009.

Dracula-esque voice: Stampula!

Steel: Who?

Jjs: I looked up “Stampula” to see if this is a new recurring gag character Doug introduced (which is a fair guess)...and got this:

Kids: What a unique voice to say school's lame.

Jjs: Adam Sandler would be a more unique voice to say school’s lame than Doug’s weird ass Dracula cosplay.

Steel: Just thought I’d point out once again that these are Doug’s actors trying to put on convincing impressions of the school kid choir from the original song and I feel bad for them for having to do what they clearly weren’t able to do, and I emphasize with any other fellow riffers who have witnessed it in video form.

Thanks for the long-winded rant.

Jjs: You’re not welcome.

Doug Walker: Thanks for attending my TED talk.

Rusty: shut up

Steel: And thank you for all of my lost brain cells, again.

(Tamara and Walter run into the tunnel and stop in confusion as they see people with "faceless" masks riding away on a train.)

Jjs: Good imagery representing how far Doug’s lil show has gone off the rails.

Hey! Twitter! Post those bloody chants!

Jjs: #DougWalkerIsOverParty

Clappy: ^ Retweet.

Wumbo: How do you lose the script so badly that you think translating a 1982 movie based on a Pink Floyd album to a god damn Twitter mob is apt?

Tamara: Wait, time out. Is this really a World War II reference?

Jjs: Even Tamara is a tad lost on what Doug is referencing, but can’t say I blame her with how much ‘depth’ there was to extrapolate in the song parody above. There’s tons of subtlety on display.

Fa: Remember guys, that Roger lost his father during WWII and grew up in its aftermath. But yeah, WWII reference is lazy anyway.

Steel: You would have already figured that out if you looked more into the lyrical content for “In the Flesh?,” Doug.

Slug: Is that a JoJo reference?

Walter: No, it's just a bunch of kids being herded onto a train to a horrible torturous building-- (realizes) Ohhh.

Tamara: Yeah, we're really comparing this to high school?

Jjs: I think we could really use Doug acting as the speaker of Jewish people again to make everything better.

Rusty: yea just ignore the fact that i shared a school with neo-nazis, as mentioned earlier.

Wumbo: Oh, did you think the imagery being used to describe school was a bit heavy-handed? Gee, I COULDN’T TELL!

Clappy: Part of me wonders if Tamara hasn’t actually watched The Wall and was genuinely questioning Doug’s creative process for this adaptation?

Slug: Didn’t this dude downplay bigotry against Jewish people to make a cheap joke about how 8 Crazy Nights is worse?

(A giant NC bends down to look in the tunnel.)

Jjs: I don’t need to see a giant Doug bending over, thank you very much. Time for brain bleach.

Fa: Stop forcing your inflation fetish on your audience already Doug!

Wumbo: Doug Walker’s Gaping Asshole: The sequel to “NC’s Penis”.

Clappy: Doug. Your ego is showing.

NC: No, no! It's just meant to be weird and creepy. They're not implying...that.

Walter: I don't know, I don't think there's a way to not connect that.

NC: Oh, come on! They're just saying school sucks! They're not making any connections to that. Now let's go on to the next song that talks about the horrors of World War II-- Oh, crap.

OWM: The horrors of World War II: something Roger Waters was blind to, of course. Just ask his dead dad along with thousands of other Allied soldiers.

Rusty: Nostalgia Critic: Not doing any fucking research since 2007.

Steel: Do you mean “In the Flesh?,” which is the very first track on the album that details the death of Pink’s father in WWII, or do you mean “Mother,” which is after “Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2,” and it’s about Pink’s relationship with...well, his mother? ...Or are we just going to segue into “Goodbye Blue Sky,” which is actually what he’s referring to? ...It’s the last thing I just said, isn’t it?

Tamara: See?

NC: It's just a coincidence! Maybe. I don't know.

Jjs: You’re supposed to be the one reviewing the movie for us, and you’re saying you don’t know? The man whose catchphrase is literally “I remember it so YOU don’t have to”? Well I’ll give him credit for the honesty here. That’s one character arc coming full circle! 

Wumbo: Be fair! He was too busy groveling for Corey Taylor to join the review to really care about the movie’s content!

Clappy: It’s your job to know this. And you call yourself a critic.

Fa: Excellent research as always Mr. Walker, another solid F.

Slug: Sometimes these feel like unscripted moments of honesty.

(Tamara and Walter stare at NC.)

Jjs: Probably waiting for their line reminders.

Steel: They’re working together to beat Corey’s Critic staredown world record.

NC: ...Bye.

OWM: Damn, thought this was over for a second. 

Clappy: What a transition, Mark.

Fa: Bye Felicia.

Steel: Yeah, that’s one way to transition into the next segment of the film. “This is WWII symbolism, or maybe it’s not. I don’t know, I don’t care. Okay, bye.”

Slug: Can I go, too?

(NC leaves the tunnel and resumes standing. He spits out...a flaming dove. The bird flies across white clouds in the sky. 

Jjs: I somehow feel like this is a lot more ridiculous in action than it sounds on paper.

Clappy: And I can answer, Yes.

After some seconds, the dove is shot and changes into a black drawing of a bird that reads "Ego". 

Jjs: One of the many perfect words to describe the show.

Wumbo: Subtle.

Doug: I gotta spell it out for you guys! OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT MISS MY BRILLIANT POINT

It gets bigger and bigger in size as it approaches a cartoon human that represents "Self-Content".

Steel: And what happened, then? Well in this review, they say - that Doug’s already-oversized ego grew three sizes that day.

Wumbo: Subtler!

Clappy: Wow. What a way with symbolism this guy has. Quick. Have Jim Jarosz draw up an anvil that strikes the bird and cartoon human, and label it as “Irony”.

Rusty: Ghostwritten by Ben Garrison!

Slug: The biggest problem when it comes to Doug’s attempts at parody, not just in this video, is that he seems to think that parody should just be repeating the problems you criticize, but making it 10 times more insufferable. I think I’ve mentioned this problem before, but god is it at its worst here.

As the rendition of "Goodbye Blue Sky" starts to play, we're shown shots displaying cemeteries, war battles, and the footage of peaceful Chicago forests. 

Jjs: Just in case you guys forgot Doug lives in Chicago.

Clappy: Chicago? I thought Doug lived on in Self-Content?

Steel: For a moment I thought he was a viking from Minnesota.

Rusty: Least Chicago doesn’t have the nerve to tear down their forests and replace them with gentrified mush.

Slug: They may not have brought gentrification to their forests, but they brought Doug, which may be even worse for the environment overall.

At one point, a Claymation Godzilla-esque monster is shown to be rampaging.)

Jjs: I presume this is where the majority of the video’s budget went.

OWM: 50% Corey Taylor, 50% stop-motion Godzilla, 0.01% everything else. Trust the process.

Rusty: wow, practical effects...seems like a waste tho.

Slug: This is just what an average day in Chicago looks like.

NC: D-D-D-Doesn't this seem too heavy?

Clappy: For you? Absolutely. Stick to those family pictures.

NC: I-I-I-Is it that my misunderstanding of the film is breaking the levee?

Is World War II with monsters too silly?

Wumbo: Movie dumb because movie doesn’t conform to my ideals of how a story should be told! IT’S JUST LIKE THOSE 90S COMMERCIALS WHERE-

Rusty: you’d fuckin die if you learned the background meaning of the original godzilla, doug

NC: I need an answer, I’m just grasping at straws willy-nilly.

Oh, Roger Waters, did you ever wonder

Why these images of slaughter

Made it in a film that also

Sings about how high school bites?

Jjs: Eric Waters is rolling in his grave.

OWM: PLEASE I’m BEGGING you just ONE SECOND OF RESEARCH I’m BEGGING YOU

Clappy: Oh Doug Walker, did you ever wonder. That there is this thing called Google. Where you can do research. About Roger Waters family history.

Rusty: I’m gonna be honest and say that this (admittedly paraphrased/plagiarized) youtube comment from under the Fantano review puts into words what I think of what he just said:

Roger Waters: *was put into a post-war nightmare at a very early age where teachers would physically beat children, along with his father being killed in action in World War 2 and puts those memories into one of the most well-crafted musical pieces of all time*

Doug: i WeNt tO hIgH sChOoL iT's nOt ThAt bAd

i would honestly be surprised if people invited doug to a funeral.

Fa: At this point, I’m starting to think Doug did his research and is just choosing to spite his audience --- how can one be this dense?

Steel: Sir, have you ever been in a public school setting before? Why are you still gripping about this?

Slug: First Doug doesn’t even seem to know that Roger Waters is British, then didn’t know what his school system was like, and now he also seems unaware of Waters’ own  family history. How many times can Doug review something without seemingly ever actually doing research? He keeps repeating the same mistakes and acts shocked when he gets dunked on for it every time.

(A storm cloud with "My Problems" written on it starts raining. Several sunflowers reading "Pity" grow. As the smaller storm cloud, "Other People's Problems", gets closer to "My Problems" cloud, it stops raining...and destroys the small cloud with lightning.)

Steel: Symbolism!

Jjs: And we gave Ben Garrison flak for too many unnecessary labels.

OWM: HIS DAD FUCKING DIED

Clappy: MOST SUBTLE.

Fa: I can also use photoshop -- I use it for good however.

Slug: As we all know, bad school experiences and World War II never affected anyone else.

Is it saying anything that deep?

Rusty: if you’d shut up and pay attention you’d notice.

NC: Perhaps, but this movie is putting me to sleep.

War's bad, thanks, are we supposed to weep?

Jjs: Doug doesn’t cry like a REAL MAN!

Wumbo: If you didn’t actually have anything to say other than spewing “THANKTH CAPTAIN OBVIOUTH” from your rotten teeth like a fucking buffoon, why did you bother to create this video in the first place? Why is any of this interesting? You’re not saying a damn thing.

Captain Obvious: Man this rhyme sucks!

Steel: Okay, so we got “school sucks, big whoop” and “war sucks, big whoop” in little time in-between these two “counter-arguments.” Come on Doug, show some empathy towards something.

Slug: I guess Schindler’s List is a bad movie now because “The Holocaust is bad” is just too obvious of a message for him.

Sure, we're all bummed out, but you're losing clout in this movie.

Jjs: Now how much clout did you gain with this video? 

Wumbo: It’s a different kind of review, and they get a lot of hits.

Clappy: Speaking of clout, I wonder how much Rob Scallon lost making these songs.

So long,

Oscar-bait song.

Jjs: A film that was only intended to be released in one single theater definitely had Oscar bait on its mind.

OWM: A song from an album, which is not a movie, surprisingly enough, definitely had Oscar bait on its mind.

Clappy: Fun fact. This was the original parody song title. Doug got so much shit for this one error in particular amongst the many for this review that he changed the song’s title three times since then.

Rusty: Doug Can’t Own Up to Mistakes, Episode A Billion.

Fa: This is unironically my favorite detail from the video since the album with all the, ya know SONGS, came out years before the movie. Calling this lazy is absolutely underselling it.

Steel: Excuse me, Oscar-bait? In the sense that it’s a slow ballad, I get it, but on the other hand, it’s a slow ballad about war from the perspective of a washed-out rockstar, continually building a wall to isolate himself. How does that make it a song that awards shows would eat up?

Slug: Oscar-bait now joins pretentious in terms of words Doug uses to describe movies he could easily understand if he just used Google for once.

Smoke a bong,

Jjs: Finally! Took a lil too long but I’m glad this running gag has finally paid off!

NC: But please don’t leave because I’m prattling on for too long

Slug: You may need one to get through the rest of this review.

And it will feel less wrong.

Rusty: ugh I hate that criticism. I legit hate that sorry, pathetic excuse of “Criticism”, the “Was this made on drugs” criticism is honestly my biggest pet peeve when it comes to critics and media writers. It’s legitimately a lazy excuse to throw away something genuinely creative and artsy and different because “It’s weird, and It doesn’t fit in normality, blah blah blah.” And this criticism has been going on for decades, there’s always a big “distaste” for things that are “weird”, especially on mainstream TV, that’s why we have so many mainstream shows and especially movies that just seem to blur together. If you wanna see something genuinely creative, then you have to either look in the back of streaming services or lists of recently cancelled shows, and like once in a blue moon you would get a “weird” show that manages to be a success (BoJack Horseman comes to mind, and that only got away with being weird by being utterly depressing.), but 9 times out of 10, it’s just the same taste, different flavor. Sorry for going off, it’s just...UGH.

So long.

Weird song.

Jjs: The only thing weirder than the actual song is that Doug actually thought this made a “genius parody” of it. When all of your song parodies are only going “lmao the song sucks” without any depth or diversity, any illusion of this being a good faith parody are gone. But I guess expecting nuance from Doug is still too much to ask for by this point in the show’s run. It’s the equivalent of watching a Bart Baker parody by relying on constantly shitting on the song (and artist) as “peak parody” and then going “it’s for the lolz!”, because it’s a lousy way to excuse the fact you don’t know how else to properly parody a song without relying on the same schtick. You know, I now realize that is the PERFECT comparison for this episode: it’s a Bart Baker video, but somehow thousands of times worse. I absolutely hate it when a parody’s only “punchline” is “media bad” with nothing else to say. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves. It’s the laziest, braindead, most uninspired way to do a parody. If you legitimately don’t like Pink Floyd’s music, fine, I honestly don’t care. But come on dude, at least try to do something unique and clever with the song parodies, because this shit is tediously repetitive. Doing this awful type of parody for one song? Annoying, but I could let it slide. Doing it for every single song? Nah, that shows how low on creative energy you are. Weird Al, Doug is most certainly not.

OWM: They feel like song parodies from someone who kinda listened to Pink Floyd with the sound really low and is now ready to completely tear these guys a new asshole.

Clappy: The only thing “weird” about is this sequence is that he thought this was the Oscar bait of all the songs from this album. Even though “Goodbye Blue Sky” is super underrated amongst Pink Floyd’s catalog of classics, I wouldn’t even say it is the most “Oscar bait-y” song on the album.

Steel: So long, crappy parody song. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play some Donkey Kong.

(NC goes back to peek in the tunnel.)

NC: Is that better?

Steel: No.

Jjs: That didn’t help at all!

Fa: Thanks, I hate it!

Tamara: Dude, I don't know what to think while watching that.

Clappy: Ah, the meta.

Rusty: Lampshading a problem makes it go away, right?

Slug: Don’t worry, neither did Doug.

NC: (suddenly appears in normal size next to Tamara) 

Jjs: This video’s budget was so tight Doug couldn’t even afford to keep his kaiju version for that long. That means they’re saving the rest for something even better coming up.

Steel: ...Or it’s symbolic of his shrinking reputation as an internet reviewer. I can’t be wrong since Doug is the one who’s overthinking his feelings towards this film.

Good! That means we're brilliant. 

Wumbo: HO HO HO, DO YOU SEE? I AM BEING INTENTIONALLY STUPID BECAUSE I AM MOCKING THE PRETENTIOUSNESS OF THE MOVIE, WHICH IS ALSO STUPID. I’M NOT SUCKING! I’M BEING IIIIIRRRRRROOOOOONNNNNIIIIIIIICCCCCC

Clappy: Is that what he calls it?

Steel: With all said, let’s interrupt, once again, what’s supposed to be a legitimate review of a musical film based on Pink Floyd’s The Wall and segue into another song. It is not from the film, but we have chosen something that portrays our collective state of mind going into this trainwreck...featuring Linkara:

(Can’t find a single short clip of this, so don’t @ me.)

Slug: Doug, it’s not this movie’s fault, or any other, that you seem to purposefully misunderstand or refuse to understand them so that you can add some extra “Sins” for your reviews.

Now, I'm gonna go do a slow, slow mopey song.

Jjs: Now, I’m gonna subtly explain to my audience about how I plan to parody the song.

Rusty: Explaining the actions you’re gonna do right before you do them makes the actions funny, right?

Doug: DOES SPELLING IT OUT HELP YOU UNDERSTAND

Walter: Haven't we had enough of those?

Slug: Enough Nostalgia Critic “Parodies” by any chance? A man can dream.

NC: Yeah, but we haven't had several of them back-to-back, so that'll really mix things up.

Wumbo: If you really wanted to mix things up, you’d stop being a fucking hack for five seconds.

Clappy: Ah, the behind the scenes making of this episode finally revealed.

Steel: Y’know, it’s been a while since we’ve last heard from Corey or Griff during this “review.” I wonder how they’re doing right now.

(NC sits in a corner of a room, with a phone in his hands.)

Jjs: No using your phone in timeout, mister!

NC: Watch how I do a sad song about being cheated on.

Jjs: Watch how I subtly spoon feed to my audience about what I’m parodying.

Steel: Oh, you mean, “One of My Turns,” that one song where Pink progressively goes insane over the revelation of his wife being an infidel...that “slow, slow, mopey song?”

Tamara: So, you're going from World War II, one of the worst things to ever happen...

Walter: ...to bitching about your girlfriend cheating on you?

NC: Hey, it doesn't matter how I'm pained, as long as I'm tortuously pained.

Clappy: I’m being torturously pained by the layers upon layers of subtlety that is this episode. My god man, just do something.

Rusty: hahahahahahahahahahah Roger Waters’ dad died.

Steel: Yes, the songs are connected to one main narrative that’s built around Pink building a wall. That doesn’t mean each of them or the album at large should only center on one particular theme.

Slug: I think anyone who’s watched this video has experienced enough tortuous pain by this point.

Walter: Sounds pretty douchey, man.

Slug: If it sounds like a duck...

Tamara: Yeah, pretty douchey.

Jjs: Time to bring back Douchey McNitpick!

NC: Hey, if someone doesn't like my artistic dive into madness

Clappy: Oh, oh! Pick me! Pick me!

caused by an affair...

Tamara: You mean like The Room?

Jjs: REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE LOVED THE SHOW? LOVE ME AGAIN PLEASE! ☹️

OWM: My Problems > Other People’s Problems

Clappy: Doug’s Problems >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Everything Else

NC: Holy crap, Tamara! This reminds me of that one time I was sent to the future where dolphins ruled the Earth!  

NC: No.

Slug:

Tamara: Yes.

NC: Shut up. ...they can just skip the scene!

Clappy: Can we have that option?

Walter: (shrugs) Eh. Fair enough.

Wumbo: You really make the option to skip the review sound enticing.

Steel: With all fairness, at least we don’t get to see Doug parodying the songs between “Young Lust” and “Goodbye, Cruel World.” It’s a good thing he knows his limits.

NC: Thank you. (holds the phone close to ear and looks worried) What's that, person I could never see betraying me? You're betraying me?

Jjs: Doug being betrayed by his own phone. Top ten anime betrayals.

OWM: What’s that, people I could never see betraying me? You’re betraying me?

Clappy: We sincerely regret you felt that way.

Fa: That was on par with Vegeta going Majin on his friends. Well done Doug.

Steel: [You chose the “Betrayal Ending.” The Critic has stopped two-fourths into the review as his feelings of betrayal have devastated him all too greatly.]

(NC sadly looks above. Cut to Corey in his room, sighing at this 

Wumbo: Same

Steel: Oh hey Corey’s back

and grabbing the remote.)

NC: (starts singing) Oh…

Rusty: don’t.

(The TV screen changes to NC standing in the same room, but at night. NC notices this.)

Jjs: Clearly the biggest takeaway from this artsy transition. 

Clappy: Only Corey Taylor can do this? Unfair.

NC: I got a lot more drawn-out angst than that!

Wumbo: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME MORE IRONIC SUCKING FOLKS

Slug: This is the case with basically every Nostalgia Critic video that dips into “Irony” but it’s at its worst here.

GTcBHx2-D7wFSYVNU5rExE84zITLLx2GSt_554o1

(He sits down glumly and takes a remote. A woman representing the main character's wife, played by Heather, comes in.)

Jjs: This is Heather Reusz, for those wondering. If you’re still wondering, same.

Wumbo: RIP Jim Jarosz, I guess?

Clappy: I assume Doug did get a budget back to hire more actors and actresses. Congratulations to Heather I guess. Meaning Tamara is no longer the token female.

Steel: Come on, I thought we were already done with this segment.

Wife: Hey, so you invited me up here. What you want to do?

Clappy: Ah, the same fan servicing that Tamara does. She really must be a part of the cast now since that’s a requirement for all female crew members.

NC: Just watch TV.

Slug: “Honey, we got to catch the new Planet Sheen episode!”

Wife: (looks annoyed) You invited me up here to literally watch TV?

Jjs: It’s not like Doug will be the one to do it, since it’s still a valid question if he even actually watches the movies anymore.

OWM: Watching the movie? Nah. Doing the research? Definitely nah. Glad to see nothing has changed.

Wumbo: Hey lady, it could be worse. You could be watching The Nostalgia Critic!

NC: I'm a successful musician with millions! How can you expect me to be happy?

Clappy: True. I mean have you heard Doug’s voice? I wouldn’t be satisfied with that voice too.

Doug: Because just like always, the archetype MUST be taken to extremes. It’s the Walker special!

Slug: Same energy

hNyPmhX5wIFPfxxSbODZZBEsuJowhEvaAbjQxpA0

Wife: This is gonna be another one of those slow mopey songs, isn't it?

NC: Yes.

Jjs: Yes, we already made this point earlier. I’d say stop dragging and get to the lazy song parody already, but I also don’t want to see that either, so we’re at a lose-lose situation here, fellows. 😔 

Clappy: What a shocker. This is my shocked face. THIS IS MY SHOCKED FACE!

Fa: Hey guys, a different character spelled it out this time -- what a subversion!

Steel: Wow, this part makes so much sense now...this is the same nitpicking towards the side two tracks as before. Good on Doug for being consistent, I guess.

Slug: Is this a Family Man cutaway gag? Move on already!

(NC quickly puts the remote to look up and sing again as the light guitar music plays, causing Corey to roll eyes in exasperation.)

Jjs: I refuse to believe this response was scripted either.

NC: (sings) I know that--

(Corey clicks on his remote again, transporting NC...next to a toilet)

Jjs: Symbolic imagery representing how Doug’s career has gone down the drain.

Clappy: SUBTLE! CAN WE LABEL THAT TOILET AS CHANNEL AWESOME TO REALLY DRIVE THE POINT HOME?!

Steel: I’ve heard of toilet humor, but this is ridiculous.

NC: Don't worry! I have a slow mopey song here, too! (clears throat and sings) Hey, you--

(Corey is clearly through with all this as he clicks again…

Jjs: Ooh, even more symbolic imagery representing how Corey didn’t get paid enough to do this.

to see NC shirtless and wailing his arms in a "crucified" pose.)

Jjs: For those who wanted to see Doug shirtless, here you go. 😋

OWM: Could you… could you put on the Link costume one last time? 😳 

Wumbo: How do I arrest a YouTube video

Clappy: Trying out to be the new frontman of Creed I assume?

Rusty: finally, people have put up with him for too long

Steel: Okay, cool, now click on the remote for that one, please.

Slug: 4kqMFqp4mgAF6YqW7S2R9b6wEe0CmG3w5Z0iYdNt

NC: Oh, my God! Doesn't this remind you of Jesus?! I'm like Jesus! I'M JESUS! FEEL SORRY FOR ME! I'M JESUS!

Jjs: Nope, I’m still not taking the bait!

Clappy: It was only a matter of time until Doug finally revealed that he believes he is Jesus.

Fa: If Doug wanted to be really meta, he should’ve made this the symbol for Ego earlier.

Steel: I said, click on the remote for that one, PLEASE.

(Corey clicks once more…

Steel: You’ve done good, Corey.

and NC is now in a peaceful meadow at sunset. As he looks around in confusion, Corey has had enough and starts to nod off. Finally, he falls asleep. NC walks close to camera/TV screen to watch Corey sleeping.)

Jjs: This is true arthouse cinema right here, and if you disagree, then you just don’t know talent. 

Clappy: How Doug got Corey to join the project revealed right there. Breaking into his house and watching him sleep.

Fa: First cut of the Misery review got stuck in this somehow it seems.

Rusty: wow he just watches you sleep for no reason, that’s actually pretty on par for him.

Steel: [You chose the “Snoozefest Ending.” Corey falls asleep for the remainder of the video, putting an abrupt end to “Nostalgia Critic Reviews Pink Floyd - The Wall.”]

Slug: The Nostalgia Critic would work much better as a Creepypasta villain than someone who’s supposed to deliver genuinely informative reviews.

NC: Is there anybody who cares?

Jjs: After this episode, definitely not.

OWM: He’s moving through song after song at breakneck speed. I suppose it represents his lack of patience needed to actually make a good video.

Clappy: How many times can I reuse the same riff about the amount of effort being portrayed in real time?

Steel: So, here’s a little known fact for virtually all those who skipped on the “review” and the album of the “review.” Almost every one of those snippets you’ve just seen before the segue into “Is There Anybody Who Cares?” is from another parody song on the album that’s only included in the album as a full song (“The Forgotten Song”), meaning that this video skips the seventh track and is already on the eight track. Is this self-awareness, or is it time constraints, typical laziness, or something else? You decide. And since ITAWC is short in length, we are already transitioning to the “Comfortably Numb” parody. You’ve been warned.

(The room becomes more dim, as the shadow of the animal-like creature from before looms above the sleeping Corey menacingly. 

Steel: Foreshadowing!

Jjs: I think you mean the very familiar CGI creature that was Lucy Lacemaker.

OWM: I can’t wait to see the destruction of the Kivouack!

Clappy: Made by the famous Satellite City Guy!

Cut to Tamara's outside preparing to knock...and cue the next song, a parody of "Comfortably Numb".)

Wumbo: Heeeeeennnnnnnngh

NC: Wake up, wake up, wake up,

Are you still awake in that chair?

Clappy: *snores*

Jjs: I feel like these aren’t actual song lyrics and just Doug checking in on the viewers to make sure they aren’t snoozing, which was a good idea.

Fa: *hits snooze button*

OWM: The actual song is about a medical patient in excruciating, disabling pain, which represents everyone watching, of course.

Rusty: well now i am, fuck off i had a long night

NC: After I just asked if there is anybody who cares?

Just keep listening to me,

Slug: Unlikely

I know you're kinda bored.

OWM: He reads me like a book.

Wumbo: I’m sorry my review had to be so boring and bloated, guys, but it had to be, because the MOVIE is so boring and bloated, you see! My hands were tied.

Clappy: SEE GUYS!? I’M AWARE THIS IS BORING. BUT I’M STILL GOING TO MAKE THIS VIDEO DRAG ANYWAY! ARE YOU LAUGHING YET!?

NC: Of course, I do need to move this forward.

Slug: Remember the Channel Awesome rules, kids

Having bad writing = :(

Having bad writing, but saying it’s bad writing = :)

Yes, sure. Yes, sure. Yes, sure.

It's a lot of slow songs now.

Rusty: this guy got 1.26Million subscribers for statements like that.

NC: That I did not have the patience for, anyhow.

It's hard to keep on track

With mellow songs back-to-back.

Fa: COMFORTABLY DUMB

Wumbo: It’s not hard if you bother to pay the slightest bit of attention.

NC: Bring your attention back to me now as I do some more crack. 

(As NC continues singing, the sound of crashing is heard, and Tamara, Corey's manager (played by Brad Jones)

Jjs: Also known as the only other reviewer left on Channel Awesome, 

Clappy: Poor Guru Larry.

Slug: Where’s Count Jackula or Battle Geek Plus? They’ve fallen so hard smh.

Jjs: so understandable he had to be here by default. Now how’s about we make another shoehorned Cinema Snob crossover reference only two people might understand?

Wumbo: Brad Jones! The only guy that can make Doug Walker seem charming by comparison.

Rusty: Brad Jones! The guy who ended up in a swatting war with Obscurus Lupa. That’s less of a joke than you might think.

Steel: Brad Jones! ...Yeah, I don’t know what else to add.

and the executive (Malcolm) burst into the room.)

Wumbo: I think you mean BLACK-xecutive?

Clappy: BUT THE CHARTS SAY-

Manager: Ah, shit! 

Rusty: I agree, this sucks.

Shit-Disturber Count: 3

Wumbo: Come on, Doug, I at least thought I’d get more use out of my new invention! You really are useless.

He's watching the boring parts of The Wall. Wake him up!

Jjs: The boring parts, individually? With how much Doug has condescended this movie for being slow, I’m surprised there’s parts that aren’t boring him.

OWM: He finds this boring? After he just breezed through half the album out of laziness?

Clappy: Are you sure Brad is referring to the actual movie or is he talking about this review?

Fa: Pretty sure this happened too when me and my roommate watched this video.

Steel: Ah yes, cuz’ nothing says a heartfelt tribute to the movie inspired by the Pink Floyd album of the same name quite like calling certain aspects “boring parts.”

Slug: As other riffers point out, it’s genuinely hard to decipher what Doug actually likes about The Wall. I think he probably seems to at least like the visuals, but with how awful Doug’s effects are, that aspect of this review does not come off as much of a love letter at all.

(All three attempt to wake Corey up (with the maid Tamara actually doing...pretty much nothing but dusting off Corey).)

Jjs: Now that’s definitely another Doug fetish. Or Corey’s, idk.

Wumbo: Why not both?

Clappy: Hell since the part-time porn parody reviewer is here, why not add Brad to the fetish in question too?

Rusty: Footlong-Pants and a Maid tries to wake up a member of SlipKnot, in “Coming for the Kill”, coming soon to DVD, VHS, Betamax, and 8mm film.

NC: Perk up. Perk up. Perk up.

You need to watch this movie first,

Jjs: As do you, yes.

Slug: TxNjLgFsRMkkBlUoQC12RmK4ZbEz5iG9imz_CAxC

Just a half hour more.

Clappy: Good lord, this episode will literally never end in that case.

Come on, you've gone through worse.

Jjs: Nope, this is truly a special kind of hell that no previous episode compares to.

OWM: This is just Doug’s internal monologue telling him to just kind of pay attention to the movie so he can write shitty jokes about it afterward.

Wumbo: YOU’RE NOT SAYING ANYTHING. WHY DID YOU MAKE A TWENTY HOUR LONG REVIEW JUST TO SAY “MOVIE BAD” OVER AND OVER, THIS IS EXCRUCIATING BEYOND COMPARE

Fa: This is literally one of the most painful things I’ve experienced, and this is my third time.

Rusty: I can say that getting my polyps removed was a better experience than this, mainly because I was asleep for all of that.

Steel: That much is obvious.

Slug: Even if it’s not the WORST thing I’ve been through, it certainly gets a participation award for being somewhere in the top 10.

(Fade to NC walking through meadow in thoughts.

Jjs: Fad.

Clappy: Meadow in thoughts? Even the transcript writer can’t transcribe what they’re going through.

Several shots from the film appear as well.)

Jjs: Juust in case you guys still haven’t quite figured out what I’m parodying. 😉

You can't be bored while we are singing,

Fa: I’m bored to tears right now

Slug: Try me.

Unless you don't wanna be seen as deep.

Wumbo: Next time just write a short review on a sticky note that says “pretentious”, stick it to your landing pad of a forehead, and hit yourself in the head with a hammer. It will provide more substance and be more entertaining than what you actually did, and it costs less too!

Clappy: Neither does your viewing audience. They clearly see you for the 40 year old whiny bald twat that you are.

Rusty: doug’s choking cause he bit off more than he could chew. Brad Jones’ Fat C*gets shot*

NC: Be like me and become a bleating sheep.

Your attention constantly may fade.

Slug: No one’s said it yet, so I guess I’ll do the honor. Fad.

Your eyes move, but do you care what we're saying?

Jjs: You certainly don’t if this is how you’re dumbing down their messages.

NC: Or these thoughts I’m trying to weigh in?

When I was a child, I remember being invested,

Steel: Implying that you were ever invested in this movie to begin with.

Slug: And now he is decidedly not invested. This is what 10+ years of Channel Awesome does to a man.

Like hearing "The Dark Side of the Moon".

Jjs: Doug’s heard Dark Side of the Moon! Chicks dig Dark Side of the Moon! How do you do, fellow kids!?

Wumbo: Something something I synced it up to Wizard of Oz

Clappy: Yeah. Go ahead and namedrop one of the most iconic albums in rock music history. You only wish your shitty Pink Floyd parody comedy album had half the ounce of ambition that album had.

Doug: See guys, I listen to Pink Floyds. I know what I’m talking about, I am very deep!

NC: Let that convince you I’m not some Pink Floyd-hating buffoon.

Now I've grown, this section starts to drag,

Rusty: pointing out the obvious is funny, right

NC: Now, I don’t mean to brag... 

Like a long nag. I just don't understand:

Is this now how I am?

Rusty: no, you’ve always been a whiny bald bitch, doug. you just somehow have more money for some reason.

God alone knows why.

I...have become comfortably dumb.

Clappy: Comfortably Doug.

Wumbo: You know, even if this movie was needlessly pretentious and long-winded, it still beats the shit out of a man-child who thinks writing parody songs replacing “numb” with “dumb” is the height of comedy. If you can’t do better than this, you don’t have the wherewithal to review the bugs splattered on your car windshield. Because they likely had more going through their minds than you did.

Slug: Cute that Doug thinks only now he has become this.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Just get through the damn flick.

Jjs: Rushing gets you nowhere either, Douglas.

Fa: We’ve been saying this for awhile now, but kind of too late Doug.

Rusty: im trying but you won’t shut the fuck up

NC: Excuse me if I’m acting like a dick.

You want to seem cool,

But this ain't getting your kicks.

Clappy: When has this phrase ever been cool, you grandpa?

NC: No need to worry though, I’ve got some more tricks.

Can you listen, listen, listen?

Later, there will be a quiz.

Clappy: Pop Quiz Hotshot.

Fa: Or more accurately “Guess That Movie Quote!”

Rusty: a quiz on what, how bad this is, or how many times you sucked Bra*gets shot again*

Steel: I’ll take Internet Critics Way Past Their Prime for 500.

Slug: A quiz on good parody? You already got an F on that one.

Somebody has to feel the same.

Slug: Judging by this video’s reception, no.

When did I become so lame?

Jjs: Now this is really becoming an insight into Doug’s psyche.

Clappy: I don’t think he could handle an honest answer to this question.

Fa: Doug getting too deep now.

Rusty: refer to my earlier statement on you being a whiny bitch

NC: Why did I have to go and burn out my own flame?

Slug: The first riff was in 2008, so let’s go with that.

There is only so long I can go

With hearing a millionaire say that things blow.

NC: Along with other things that I don’t know.

Jjs: WHAT THE FUCK, A CELEBRITY IS USING THEIR ART TO SPEAK OUT ON ISSUES!? Time to boycott Pink Floyd for being too political.

Clappy: Compared to someone who lives comfortably off his YouTube salary, I don’t want to hear jackshit about him speaking out against celebrities who actually want to make a difference.

Rusty: hey here’s the Russell Brand quote: 

-oVUqB_6Ci89EdgEWhGbYTr1J1SHrWfKTLpjnsUw

Slug: pRz9T7eWh2C5mRWvln853WbWTPpHaIHPT4KGee1k

It's like I've been asleep for days. (Onscreen, NC gets annoyed by a super long walk in the meadow and mouths "where the fuck am I?")

Jjs: Doug clearly doesn’t like going for a nice stroll.

Clappy: You’re three feet up your own ass.  

Rusty: we dragged you to hell where you belong.

Steel: You’re inside the death of your own career as a reviewer. Enjoy your stay.

The film plays, but I can't take the complaining.

OWM: Oh you can’t stand the complaining? Try sitting through an episode of Nostalgia Critic.

Fa: Same. Your lack of criticism is getting on my nerves.

Rusty: hey, I can be obvious too: Doug’s a Harper Valley Hypocrite.

NC: But that won’t stop me from giving this movie some of my Critic-splaining.

Slug: Doug is either the least self-aware person in the universe or he’s just trolling us 4D chess style at this point and we’re all taking the bait.

(Eventually, the manager throws Corey on the floor, and he half-awakens. He is surprised to see his young self sitting on the floor and holding a VHS box for The Wall. The grown-up Corey sits in the same pose and smiles.)

Jjs: Deep. From esteemed arthouse indie director Doug Walker. I would make an “did Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau collab to make this” joke, but honestly that’s too harsh, since they at least have a charm that's not present here.

Clappy: He should enter his short film in festivals.

Like telling a child,

It's just how everything is.

Rusty: I’m running out of ways to say you suck.

Steel: And I’m running out of ways to mock Doug’s lyricism. I guess you can say that I’ve become...Comfortably Dumb. AYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Just fighting to open my eyes.

Wumbo: If someone can tell me what these lyrics are supposed to mean at all, I would be most grateful.

Slug: Pretty obvious, he’s saying it’s akin to a battle to open your eyes because your eyes will struggle to comprehend the special effects Doug has on display.

NC: Towards this movie, all I can do is antagonize.

The epic feels

Wumbo: Delete your account

Steel: Must’ve taken you all night to write that line, huh?

I had are gone,

I don't know what is going on now.

Jjs: You’ve made that pretty clear throughout the entire video, but glad we got it subtly spelled out again for us. 👍

Clappy: Okay for the love of….how many times can you reiterate this point!? You’re comfortably dumb. I heard you the first five fucking times. How many times do you have to hammer your stupid point home!? This song fucking sucks hard. Can we wrap this up now? Of all the songs that had to drag…

Steel: Not even Mewtwo Strikes Back takes this long to realize that it’s already made its point across with its message.

The child is gone,

Slug: ...Debatable.

And I moved on.

I...wish those days weren't just a phase.

Rusty: once again, the Harper Valley Hypocrite.

(In real life, the manager, Tamara and the executive drag the dozing Corey out of his room. They go into a warehouse and put him down.)

Jjs: WHOA WHOA WHOA, now I wasn’t prepared for that dark turn! Jeez, let this be a lesson to you all to never doze off on Doug’s show!

Clappy: Don’t worry, Corey will come back due to fan request because the review must go on…

Steel: [You chose the “Kidnapped Ending.” Corey is now taken hostage for committing the crime of falling asleep during the Critic’s “review.” …Yeah, there’s no justifying this one, but hey, at least the song is over.]

Manager: This is why I bring people that I don't want other people to see. Now sober up, or have an existential conflict. Either works for me.

Jjs: This must be a meta insight into how Channel Awesome management handles disobedient employees.

OWM: I believe they talked about this in the secret full version of the Not So Awesome document, where they discussed what’s inside Doug’s basement.

Slug: It is rumored that his basement contains the Director’s Cut of To Boldly Flee with 6 total hours of footage, truly terrifying.

Fa: Kind of distasteful, but hey you do you Doug.

(All three go away, leaving Corey alone. 

Jjs: NSfq059bnoBwZ8ZlP3_XT5Fj5FzG7IFF0RsvqJUd

Suddenly, the warehouse door opens to reveal a bright light. Corey gets up...and the camera shows us a bald man in a black coat from behind, as he slowly goes to a cheering audience.

Jjs: I like how they’re building this up like it’s gonna be the biggest plot twist of the goddamn century.

OWM: Morpheus!? And I thought the guest star repertoire peaked with Corey Taylor.

Clappy: Bald man in a black coat? Wow. That could be anybody. Anyone I tell you.

Y5YmE2H6xXo14mQiNQX1Qzhf71kQmIYHfkMQZhB6

Rusty: Oh, Marshall Applewhite! I didn’t know you’d show up. No I don’t want any Nike shoes, shut up.

Steel: I can’t believe they were able to get Louis C.K. attached to this thing.

After the screen turns white, the Nostalgia Critic logo appears, signaling the start of a commercial.

Jjs: This is it everyone, the last commercial. This is your final chance to get out of here! Anyways, whatever this dumpster fire is, it’s brought to you by our last sponsor: the Angry Video Game Nerd! A much superior critic who won’t waste your time with narcissistic, egotistical garbage like this video!

OWM: Maybe I should’ve riffed more like the Angry Video Game Nerd. What a shitload of fuck.

Wumbo: This episode was brought to you by Skillshare. Please share your skills with Doug, as he has none. 

Clappy: And this commercial break has been brought to us by ExpressVPN. Access content from anywhere, and protect every device from Doug Walker and his god awful ads.

Rusty: Closed Captioning brought to you by Lunesta, because you’d rather you’d just fuckin sleep forever than watch this.

Fa: This commercial has been brought to you by Cinnamon Toast Crunch because yum.

Steel: Funny enough, the actual ad that takes place is the one NC Honey ad that has been memed a lot quite recently. It’s fitting because 1) It’s the most tolerable part of the video and 2) given how much bile NC’s The Wall has produced to bring itself down into infamy, the sponsor ad would be given substantial awareness, if not the same amount as the main attraction itself. Let this meme video show you just what I’m talking about:

Slug: I think Doug should pay advertisers to associate with him than the other way around at this point. They need his help to conduct damage control from their association with Devil Boner and Black Willy Wonka more than anything.

After coming back, the light disappears to reveal...Doug playing a dictator

Clappy: Gasp. The bald man in a black coat was Doug Walker this whole time. How suspenseful.

(around his face is a dotted line and a caption "Person You Hate"),

Jjs: Now he’s really cockteasing us.

OWM: How did he know?

Wumbo: Okay, putting aside the low hanging fruit, you can do this with literally anything and make it seem dumb. Person you hate?? LOL! It’s funny because… villains exist in TV shows and movies?

Clappy: This is really just starting to riff itself so we don’t have to.

Fa: You are indeed such a person Doug.

Rusty: yea consider the reasons why we hate you…

Steel: Seems like he’s already predicted almost every viewer’s outlook on him before the end of, again, what’s supposed to be a review.

Slug: Rarely do I like putting my energy towards actively hating people, but just for you, Doug, I’ll do it.

coming on the stage, with his accomplices (Malcolm and Jim) 

Jjs: THERE HE IS! I’m glad Jim spared the time to give us one last glorious appearance, because if he hadn’t, it would’ve been the final nail in the coffin if not even the legend appeared.

OWM: JIM!!! See, that’s all this episode was missing. I expect this to be one of the greatest episodes of Nostalgia Critic ever from this point forward. Jim is this universe’s Atlas.

Slug: It’s just a shame it will end now, Jim had so many arcs such as his Deadpool arc and his Bus Driver arc that just won’t get the development and conclusion they deserve.

on the sides. Malcolm holds a black flag

Wumbo: Watch yourself, buster.

with the symbol that features several hammers forming a hashtag. 

Jjs: The hammer of the people’s will will come crashing down on Doug’s HOUSE OF SERVITUDE!

Wumbo: Okay, the Twitter shit is really baffling me. You want to call a movie pretentious, lame, and boring, fine. And Doug’s gone off into weird tangents on his reviews before. But this… this is throwing me a little. Why the constant Twitter references? Did something happen on Twitter recently that could have… oh. Oh no.

*sigh* Okay, how bad is it gonna get?

Clappy: Where’s the subtle imagery of the Channel Awesome logo with the caption “Home of Complacency”?

Fa: Because when I think of The Wall, I definitely think of social media. Subtle.

Steel: That’s quite a subtle reference to the film you’re reviewing, Doug. It’s just as subtle as me saying “This is the worst thing you’ve ever done as the Nostalgia Critic and we’re poking fun at you for it.”

The dictator observes several screens of cheering people (Tamara, Walter, Heather, Aiyanna…

Jjs: For those wondering, that is Aiyanna Wade. If you’re still wondering, same.

OWM: I miss Jim already.

Steel: a.k.a. The rest of Doug’s only other willing collaborators. All that’s missing is Brad Jones, his father, and his brother Rob.

and even one of the Chart Guys (Rob)) 

Steel: And speak of the devil. It must to be sad to know that the Charts Guy is the only character Rob has ever played that matters now though. Santa Christ may be irrelevant, but the chart says this guy still is somehow.

Jjs: Oh good, because Doug didn’t ruin this gag enough in The Lorax. Enjoy this forced callback, remaining fans! MEMBER CAT IN THE HAT?

Wumbo: Remember now! Doug HATES memes and irrelevant jokey jokes that take away from the review. That’s why he brought back DA CHART SAYZ for no good reason other than to probably say the line Bart!

Clappy: Ah yes. Your castmates as the cheering fans that follow you, the dictator, is very on the nose. Any more obvious motives in this number?

Slug: PfegS7Q4OuxhO8tqBjS95KyGQ4-eadwcJEfGs3FW

and the banner reading "Welcome to the Echo Chamber". 

Jjs: Is that what they call Channel Awesome nowadays?

Wumbo: THIS DOUCHE, OF ALL PEOPLE, HAVING THE GALL TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ECHO CHAMBERS

Rusty: oh, ok, this is a guy who deservedly got cancelled complaining about his deserved cancellation, only he’s not as well liked as Bill Burr. Although I don’t like Bill Burr either, so. *shrug*

Steel: It’s no wonder one of the songs is called “Waiting for the Point,” because its references to internet-related culture are so unsubtle and yet it’s expecting for us to wait for the point that we already know it’s addressing and yet...this particular song we’re viewing right now preludes to it.

Slug: This is incredibly rich considering Doug’s reviewing style. Think about for a moment, how common is it that Doug actually allows alternate perspectives on the films he reviews to be seen? Remember when he just pretended everyone who liked the 2016 Jungle Book only liked it because they thought it was the “Adult Version”? He did that all while never citing a single other review on the film explaining why they liked it? I guess he did it a bit with the Man of Steel review, but let’s be honest, no one wants to remember the Man of Steel review.

All of the people cheer "Yes!", "Yeah!", "Whoo-hoo!", etc. The dictator doesn't move a muscle on his face, as he throws his leather jacket right on Jim and silently greets his spectators. 

Jjs: That’s no way to treat Jim after everything he’s done for your show.

Fa: My roommate praised this moment as the best in the video for the fact that Jim didn’t flinch when he had the coat thrown on him. I don’t think I can disagree with that logic.

Clappy: Ah yes. Let’s not forget the crappy treatment of your employees. We are really running through that Google doc faster than I expected.

Steel: How did the Critic afford to get the Bethesda E3 2019 audience joined into this?

The homage to "In the Flesh" sequence begins as the dictator starts singing while behind the stand.)

Dictator: Oh, yeah! I'm the

Person you all think you know…

Clappy: A Nostalgia Critic Editorial

That sucks up your angst and confusion, I'm

That nameless foe. Heh.

I got some weird news for you, sunshine.

This was dissin' Thatcher's administration!

Fa: 80s movie criticizing prominent 80s political leader? Talk about bold. 

Rusty: An 80’s British band criticizing the only leader (other than the Queen) of Britain in the 80’s? Yeah, it’s actually very easy to wrap your head around it because, unlike what you may believe, we are, in fact, not imbecilic drooling zombie livestock. Jesus Christ, Doug, you’d fit in real well with Carlton Communications. (if you don’t get that joke, watch ITV in the Face on youtube)

OWM: khu3lTgbvS66vLF1CgGaw09XQ1qEFALSN2jrXKoO

Steel: Looking up the recording process for the album, it was being made while James Callaghan was still Prime Minister, and while Thatcher did become PM while The Wall was still being completed, she still just stepped in as head of Government, and therefore, it would’ve been too early for her to made into a target for Pink Floyd’s narrative. In fact, I’d also dispute that the album wasn’t targeting one particular British Prime Minister.

But it's vague enough to put anyone you feel;

Politician, showman, just put their face here!

Clappy: Whatever you say Doug: 

0gvow2LRLDPTJyslEuxG-HvNzV6Yzi11d8uTHjfb

Did you guys know that NC thinks the orange man is bad?

OWM: Why would anyone want to when the perfect face is already on there?

Wumbo: Things that are bad now, according to this review:

-Movies being about something

-Movies being about multiple things

-Movies and albums having a consistent mood

-Villains existing

-Movies being open to interpretation

Rusty: -Movies being about then-currrent leaders.

Steel: Yeah, just put my face up there too while you’re at it.

Slug: Yeah, how awful. It just makes no sense why a song would want to make itself up to interpretation so that anyone listening to it could relate to it. The Wall would’ve been much better if it just took Doug’s route and been as literal and obvious as possible with lyrics like “___ person is doo doo and I will repeat this 10 times until you understand it”.

Are there any authority figures in the crowd tonight?

Chart Guy: Oh, yes. That's me, I'm here, yes.

Jjs: Gotta give Rob his obligatory dialogue!

Steel: All while reminding us that he’s the authority figure in the room three times in one sentence.

Dictator: WELL, PUT THEM IN THE WALL!

(The fans type on their laptops rhythmically.)

Jjs: “fans” :Laugh: 

Fa: “rhythmically” I'd love to imagine it’s a different tune than his shitty companion album but *sigh*

Wumbo: Oh no not the SJWs!

Clappy: Ah yes, can’t forget criticizing your fans per usual for letting you know how they felt about Change The Channel.

Fans: Get! Them! All!

Rusty: Oh hey, I just realized...he made a reference to The Wall in his Felix the Cat review way back in 2013...just pointing it out.

Steel: Let’s not forget about the mention made by former CA reviewer Paw at the beginning of the Critic’s crossover review with Todd in the Shadows, The Wiz. I guess you could say that Paw dodged a bullet, especially when the payoff was going to be this bad.

Dictator: That one's looking stressed, he wants to feel oppressed!

Clappy: Wants to feel oppressed? You actually think that the victims CHOSE to be oppressed!? You insensitive ass-

Jjs: Eminem has been awfully quiet since this dropped.

Walter: (raises hand giddily) Yes!

Dictator: PUT HIM IN THE WALL!

Fans: Bust! His! Balls!

OWM: Mother, do you think they’ll try to break my balls?

Dictator: And that one looks sheltered, like she never leaves a room.

Tamara: (raising hand) Yes! Yes! This is me! Me, me, me, me!

Jjs: Confirmation he holds Tamara and Malcolm as prisoners.

Clappy: Tamara. Blink twice if Doug is holding you hostage against your will.

Dictator: I'll be that friend you can blame for all your gloom.

(Tamara squeals in joy.)

Jjs: The most enthusiasm on display in this entire video, I genuinely feel bad for her.

Steel: And for a character who is being sentenced to The Wall, I should add.

OWM: Oh they paid her EXTRA extra.

Dictator: That one looks like he really wants to be outraged!

Slug: These lyrics feel like they were written by Dave Rubin which is probably the harshest thing that can be said about anything.

(He is pointing at the flag.)

Dictator: Now, with social media,

You have the stage!

Jjs: Haha get it because he’s on a STAGE! I see you Doug!!!

Rusty: Dude. You got called out for letting sexual harassment run rampant on your platform… you don’t get to be the cross bearer of people (the 3 out of 10) who have had their lives ruined by diggers.

Clappy: Yes, they have a stage. God forbid they sit by and let your complacent ass tell them how to react and feel.

Fa: Get off the stage!

Steel: I could’ve said this sooner, but this is reminding me of something, this is THE segment where Doug complains about outrage/callout culture, in which it has little to do with the film or the source material it’s based on, isn’t it? And just when you thought it had no business being here, it would turn out that this is a thinly-veiled response from Doug on being publicly shamed for his involvement with Channel Awesome’s mismanagement that led to the vast majority of his colleagues quitting in protest, and he’s giving us, the viewers who have denounced him, the middle finger for calling him out for his wrongs. There’s no doubt that this is the kind of filibuster that we’re dealing with right now, and I’m afraid that I have to say that we’re not even close to the end of it.

Slug: It seems that Doug viewed this review as a good opportunity to vent about how ”woe is me”. Look, I’m not going to pretend that there’s nothing about woke Twitter mobs that you can make fun of, in fact I do it sometimes myself. But it comes off in incredibly bad taste to do so just one year after a high profile expose of Channel Awesome which detailed grooming, rampant harassment, and just general asshole behavior which Doug either overlooked, or was okay with. This is a big problem that I have with the Cancel Culture discourse, because too often, criticism of Cancel Culture comes off like criticism of just facing consequences for anything. Don’t like that Gina Carano thinks wearing a piece of cloth is equal to the Holocaust? CANCEL CULTURE! Don’t think J.K. Rowling should be incredibly transphobic? CANCEL CULTURE! Don’t like that Chick-fil-A hates gay people? CANCEL CULTURE! Also, if Doug was actually cancelled, his videos are still getting WAY more views than they deserve. Come on cancel mob, do your job properly!

(The cheering gets bigger and louder.)

Heather: (puts her arms horizontally and vertically) Hashtag! Hashtag!

Walter: (does the same) Hashtag! Hashtag! Hashtag!

Chart Guy: Hashtag! Hashtag! Hashtag!

Tamara: Hashtag! Hashtag! Hashtag! Hashtag!

Aiyanna: Hashtag! Hashtag! Hashtag!

Jjs: Before you complain about this repetition, I personally understand why Doug needed not one, not two, but five people to repeat this. This song would just be too subtle and over your head without it.

Wumbo: Change the Channel.

Clappy: So that’s how he gets his Chicago co-workers to stick up for him all the time. Brainwashing!

Fa: #IHaveGoneDeaf

Steel: [You chose the “The internet is being mean to me!!! Ending.” Review? What review? Why focus on talking about Pink Floyd’s The Wall when you can form a dictatorship in complaining about social media problems and stop right at that point? Contrary to what Doug believes, however, there is no single ‘eSult’ in his arsenal that will suddenly make anyone view him better. The damage has already been dealt.]

Slug: Let’s see, we’ve got “You criticize society yet you’re rich”, we’ve got “You complain about school yet it was fine for me, stop complaining lol” and now we’ve got “Twitter Cancel Culture bad”. Is this the Nostalgia Critic or TPUSA? This is just so unbelievably bad.

(The dictator looks over his spectators in satisfaction.)

Dictator: All right, everyone! Let's take our 100% correct opinions TO THE WALL!!!

Jjs: Opinions? All I saw was them shouting Hashtag! over and over.

Wumbo: You see, things like workplace harassment and poor working conditions are more nuanced than you think. Opinions, is all they are! Opinions! YOU CAN’T CANCEL ME DAMN IT, I’M DOUG WALKER

Clappy: My 100% correct opinion is that this is dogshit. I’d rather listen to Comfortably Dumb again- oh wait no I don’t. I just want this to end.

Steel: Yes, allow me to demonstrate my 100% correct opinions in just two words: This sucks.

Slug: If correct opinions are what you seek, you’ve arrived at the wrong destination.

(He and his accomplices run out of the basement, yelling in victory...but stop and squint in front of the bright sun.)

Dictator: Oh, sun! Oh, it's so bright! Oh! Uh, let's go back here. I-I don't like that. No, I don't. No, no, no.

OWM: Wow, what a clever callback to him playing an eeevil vampire teacher a few minutes ago. Or this is just a bad joke.

Rusty: Latter.

Clappy: Let’s not act like Doug’s life isn’t the internet either. Hell I think HTML is coded into his DNA at this point. That’s how much I don’t believe him.

Steel: [You chose the “Here Comes the Sun Ending.” The Nostalgia Dictator is now dead after being dried up by his worst enemy: Vitamin D. Now escape from this nightmare will you still can, to anyone still reading.] 

(They run back inside. The fans open up their laptops, phones and keyboards.)

Dictator: One! Two! Three! POST IT!

(The montage of the dictator controlling his accomplices in the podcast room and people typing on their gadgets is shown over the shots of Earth and sound speakers...and even something that mirrors the infamous "Walking Hammers". The parody of the "Waiting for the Worms" sequence starts.)

NC: Ah-whoo…

Jjs: Doug turned into Adam Levine?

OWM: He’s got all of his arrogance but none of his showmanship.

Steel: After “waiting for the point” of this whole segment, we now transition into “Waiting for the Point.”

You can't convince me now!

Ah-whoo...

I'm too far at my side!

Clappy: First believable thing he’s said all song. I truly believe you can’t convince Doug to think any other way but his. 

NC: I’m sticking to my self-pride!

Goodbye, nuance,

NC: Goodbye reputability,

Jjs: Goodbye? That implies it ever entered in the first place.

Fa: Nuance and subtlety never checked into Casa Doug.

Rusty: Once again, Mr. Harper Valley Hypocrite!

Slug: For god’s sakes this guy is the last to mourn the loss of nuance. Nuance is dead in many sections of the YouTube reviewing sphere in part because of content creators like the Nostalgia Critic who think cheap jabs and doing glorified CinemaSins videos can replace actual film analysis.

I never will abide.

NC: ...to accountability.

Dictator: (speaking into megaphone) It's us vs. them! I don't even know who us or them are! I just wanna be angry, so I can be...!

Jjs: rTR_7crl23UsBWpvjYLVB6rjsrqMx7FX-h7yerU1

Wumbo: Watch. The movie!

OWM: 

Clappy: Is this a cry for help? Is this the breaking point where he realizes that this was a bad idea and he just wants to be angry over a popular piece of media just for the clicks and views?

Fa: I also want to be angry, so I chose to riff this video instead of something much worse like making it.

Slug: If “Them” in this scenario are “Stupid YouTube reviews that priotitize nitpicking to increase the sin counter” then I think we can all unite against that just fine.

Fans: Tweeting.

Dictator: About those who hate me.

Steel: Just get yourself on Jimmy Kimmel if this is bothering you so much.

Fans: Tweeting.

Dictator: I need their attention.

Fans: Tweeting.

NC: I’m building the tension.

Jjs: Doug finally confirming what I’ve been speculating for a while. You heard this shocking revelation here first!

OWM: Gotta tweet so he can eat.

Fans: Tweeting.

Dictator: Love me or hate me, just look at me more!

Clappy: The new and accurate Channel Awesome tag line.

Fans: Tweeting.

NC: Try to understand that I’m not a whore!

Fans: Tweeting.

Dictator: Whatever side you choose, just don't ever wane!

Fans: Tweeting.

NC: While I watch what’s left of my fame go down the drain!

Fans: Tweeting.

Dictator: Waiting for the point!

Jjs: Don’t expect one from this video.

Fans: Tweeting.

NC: Keep doing it ‘cuz I’m holding you all at gunpoint!

Slug: I’m not waiting, that's for sure, I want to get this riff finished before I turn 50.

(As the rest of the section goes, we cut to the dictator and his men going to the Nostalgia Critic rag doll.)

Jjs: Get your Nostalgia Critic rag dolls here!

Clappy: I’ll take 10.

Steel: I’ll be sure to get one of my own before the scalpers take them all...that is if there is anyone who is willing to scalp them.

Slug: I guess my last one must’ve been defective.

Don't fear that you're wrong.

Just fight until the end,

My friend.

NC: Who needs making amends?

All you need to do is bite off something!

Steel: Figuratively or literally? I’d rather have a bite to eat than keep moving on with this.

(And these walking objects are...smartphones with the "hammer hashtag" icon on them.)

Jjs: Greetings comrades. 

Clappy: SUPREMELY SUBTLE DOUG.  

Rusty: All the subtlety of a thunderstorm of bricks.

Steel: What do smartphones do when we’re not looking? Smartphone Story. Coming soon to a theater near you.

Dictator: Don't worry! As long as you don't see me as human, you can hate me all you want! Because remember: this can never happen to you! I'm bad! You're good! The more extreme you can get, the more happy you'll become!

Jjs: So to address the subtlety in the room, if it wasn't obvious, it appears this segment and line in particular are a possible response to the ChangeTheChannel controversy filtered through Doug mocking “cancel culture.” I don’t want to twist the guy’s messages into something they’re not as he’s done to many movies...but I can’t deny I do see it. Especially since I have no idea why else he’d include the Twitter potshots, the “cancel culture” message of this is out of place for what it’s parodying, and is literally playing a dictator role, I’d say it’s a valid interpretation. All I'll say is that comparing covering for sexual harassment and worker mistreatment to petty Twitter “cancel culture” shows once again I doubt Doug truly understands the issues people had and skimmed them. Like he did with the movie and songs.

OWM: I’m sure he was just disappointed they all weren’t coming back for To Boldly Flee II.

Wumbo: Yeah, I’m pretty comfortable assuming that this is directly in response to #ChangeTheChannel. It doesn’t actually make sense and isn’t totally connected, and you really have to stretch to make the connection, and it’s about something that your average YouTube viewer might not even know about so it’ll probably just confuse people further, so of course that’s what’s happening here.

Clappy: I don’t think this is subtle enough. WE NEED MORE TWEETING SMARTPHONES!!

Fa: This is definitely a gross and poor response to Change the Channel I feel as well. Because you know negligent workplace management and getting canceled are apples and oranges guys.

Rusty: I am 99.13% sure it’s him comparing himself allowing SEXUAL FUCKING HARASSMENT with some guy getting called out over a bad joke about black people he tweeted when he was 14. It’s tone-deaf at best, and outright shows he’s in denial about the situation at worst. 

Steel: I just wanted to say that I understood what this was going on about after trying to figure out why it had to exist, let alone in NC’s The Wall where it’s just rubbing salt into an already-deep wound. No matter the reasons, it can’t be denied that this is a response to #ChangeTheChannel, and the imagery of Twitter and the hashtag does no justice to mask up those strong implications.

Slug: Seeing as I already did a write-up about how much I can’t stand Doug’s “Woe is me” routine when it comes to cancel culture, I’ll post a comic that summarizes my thoughts on people who pretend they’ve been cancelled from their platforms that reach millions of people.

_eoY25TyBUg6rsmt_4elSWnghH8XIKFfyyor1Sm0

So put that person whose face you hate here! And tweet! Tweet! TWEET! TWEET!! TWEEEEEEET!!!

Jjs: Give those vocal chords a rest mang.

Steel: So, what did we learn? Twitter is full of toxic people and we need to stay away from it as much as possible? Or is it that the best way to deal with toxic people and as well as cancel or outrage culture is not to get so involved in it and spend less time on the internet? Of course not, this is Doug’s very own ego trip after all and the lesson we’re supposed to learn is to forget about holding yourself accountable. Stir the blood and ensure that your detractors can do nothing to stop you or convince to improve your self-being, including if their comments are good-intentioned. If this is what the moral of this segment is, then thanks Doug, I’ve learned absolutely nothing at all from this.

(The same animal-like creature's shadow looms over the mad imagery as the dictator and his two men continue walking. The shot changes to Corey walking solemnly through the underground train station. 

Jjs: It’s not too late to hitch a ride out of here.

Steel: [You chose the “Neutral Ending.” You still don’t know what’s going on, but the “review” goes on. The rest of it still hot garbage though, so you have the option to mosey on out.]

He then stops as he senses that all the cast members are behind him as they start to sing a parody of the song "Bring the Boys Back Home".)

All (except for Corey): Bring the runtime down

Fa: The irony is so strong, I wish I could sell it as wine.

Jjs: Let’s be grateful this is only 39 minutes. There’s a dimension where it could’ve been longer and worse, people.

Rusty: Then again, there’s a dimension where this is shorter. 

Steel: Sir, you have no right to complain about The Wall’s runtime, whether it’s about the movie or the original album, when you made the three hour-long To Boldly Flee film that no one liked. Also, the song being parodied is “Bring the Boys Home,” which centers on Pink reminiscing about WWII and wishing for the soldiers to return home, so screw you Doug for using this song to throw shade.

(They all start talking over each other.)

All: An hour and ten's more sound

Wumbo: Movie too long! Wait, an hour and ten? You can’t handle movies over seventy minutes? You’ve made VIDEOS over seventy minutes! To Boldly Flee? Man of Steel? HELLO?

Clappy: I just assumed at first that a hour is the new Nostalgia Critic runtime. What’s he so mad about? It’s his “job” to review movies.

Fa: The first video I saw of Doug was his Fox Kids review -- it was about an hour plus :funny: 

NC: There isn’t much about this movie for me to feel astound.

Slug: The Wall is only 99 minutes long, that really isn’t that arduous. It certainly flies by faster than this video at the very least.

(They talk over each other again as Corey looks at them, confused.

Jjs: Fun fact: It’s rumored this is genuine unscripted confusion on Corey’s part because he genuinely has no idea what’s happening at this point.

As they're singing, photos of a marching band and a crowd surrounding young Pink are shown, as it cuts back to Corey and the others still arguing.)

All: You'll run the viewers' patience into the ground!

Jjs: My patience for this was run into the ground many many pages ago.

OWM: A riffer’s patience knows no bounds. But this brings us near our limit.

Fa: If you saw how many breaks I’ve taken to get through this…

Steel: Just like how you’re running your “critique” of this film into the ground?

Slug: InsertPalpatineIronic.jpeg

You're not Oscar bound

Jjs: How many damn times is he going to use this jab? We get it man, I swear to Santa Christ WE GET IT! Every song I find pretentious is automatically Oscar bait! You guys get it, GET IT!? I’ll hammer it into your skull until you do! Good.

Clappy: And neither is your show worthy of anything more than a pat on the back. GET DOUG SOME NEW JOKES!

Doug: OSCAR BAIT! YOU GET IT GUYS? WANT ME TO SPELL IT OUT AGAIN?

Steel: I’m sure you’ll get your long overdue Oscar for this quip, Doug. Too bad that won’t happen since you’re still not putting your talents to good use.

Slug: “Oscar Bait” has lost all meaning. It’s only a matter of time before we get Doug talking about how Boss Baby 2 is Oscar Bait at this rate.

(Cut to a photo of an army silhouetted by the sun.)

All (vo): Eyeing my watch now

Steel: He takes off her dress now, let me go. And I just can’t keep going, this bollocks is killing me... 

(They complain again)

Rusty: That’s all they’ve BEEN doing.

All: All of you moping

Steel: Towards this “review,” yes.

Really ain't that profound.

Fa: I’d say I’ve lost count of how many times Doug has implied this is pretentious, but that would’ve taken more effort than he took to include it. So on principle I won’t bother.

Rusty: Goddamn, I do not want to make another Harper Valley Hypocrite joke. Screw you people.

NC: Although we’re no Earthbound.

Bring the runtime down!

Slug: The only good runtime for this video would’ve been negative 39 minutes. Not even 0 minutes, I don’t want to die knowing I wasted 39 minutes of my life on this.

(After the smoke clears, Corey finds himself in the hallway of NC's studio. NC himself is waiting for him, crossing his hands. Corey stops in front of him.)

Jjs: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, COREY!

mMmjssuCcU4JRO1ZDA7EKv2_PjQ9-tH8pNcZlGv4

NC: So, Corey. Your analysis of Pink Floyd: The Wall has led you here. Do you now understand the deeper meaning of--

Jjs: Wait, Corey was supposed to be the one analyzing it? This video is such a confused mess we don’t even know who the reviewer is now.

Fa: Doug trying to give the Nostalgia Critic up again, but Corey ain’t falling for that.

OWM: Doug’s become so lazy, he needs to bring on a guest star to do his own job.

Clappy: Better question. Do YOU, Doug, know the deeper meaning of this movie?

(Suddenly, the phone rings, cutting him short.)

Steel: I’d be eager to know the deeper meaning of the phone ringing too.

NC: Do you understand the deeper meaning of what it has to say, or--

(The phone rings again. Corey rolls his eyes.)

Jjs: Maybe Corey’s actually the most sympathetic character of this story.

NC: (talking loudly over the phone) Or is it just a misguided ego trip in this self-indulgent world that we all live in-- 

Clappy: Why yes, hello pot. This is the kettle calling you black…Willy Wonka.

Steel: After forcing him to participate in this whole catastrophe, I’m sure that’s how Corey exactly feels about your interpretation of The Wall.

(gives up) Pardon. (bends down and finally answers) WHO IS IT?!

Jjs: Adam Sandler calling you for real this time!

Steel: Boy I sure do hope it’s not him who’s calling, and then we have to endure another joke that goes on for over a minute.

Wumbo: FUCK MEL BLANC

Rusty: WE’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU CONCERNING YOUR CAR’S EXTENDED WARRENTY

(On the other line is...Sullivan Croft, the main character of the web series Satellite City, played by its creator, Sam Fennah. 

Jjs: When I watch a parody of Pink Floyd, it’s also common sense to expect a reference to Satellite City (which from the most research I could do is some kind of furry web series).

Rusty: Hi, Furry here, we don’t associate with those guys, thanks.

Jjs: This explains Lucy Lacemaker’s presence, who is also from that series. If you’re wondering why a Pink Floyd parody has now turned into a Satellite City crossover, your guess is as good as mine. I guess the Channel Awesome cinematic universe needs a crossover since all the other reviewers left. At least my Doug’s a furry theory from the first riff came full circle!

OWM: Oh boy!! Here goes!! We get to see the Glagglemaggle Invasion or some stupid shit!

One of the creatures, Hyzenthlay, is standing on the table.)

Jjs: For those who want their Salitte City lore dive, here you go:

https://satellite-city.fandom.com/wiki/Hyzenthlay

OWM: So this is the best thing Doug’s Craigslist posting for “cheap 3D animator” got him.

Clappy: Thanks to Jjs and even the transcript writer for giving this series more of an explanation than Doug does.

Slug: 4j1Xx9yCuL2-g-iTiXKpa5OGk8Wv45MYXNxm4L_v

Croft: Hello, Critic. It's Sullivan Croft.

NC: The Satellite City guy?

Steel: No, this is Patrick.

Jjs: For those who need more of a lore dive, here you go:

https://satellite-city.fandom.com/wiki/Sullivan 

I’m sorry to spoon feed this, but this is what we get for not reading up on the essential Satellite City study guide.

OWM: What, you mean you didn’t do your essential “Satellite City” reading before coming to watch a video about Pink Floyd? Clearly, you don’t know how to research like a critic.

Clappy: I really don’t have to or want the time to understand any of this lore. God forbid that Doug does a better job at explaining outside guest stars in an effort to cross promote them.

Steel: It’s like this “review” expects for us to be in the know about Satellite City, which I can assume very little of NC’s remaining audience cared to watch prior. Then again, who did watch Satellite City before glimpsing NC’s The Wall? I’m a self-proclaimed animation dork and I haven’t even watched it beforehand either.

Croft: Yes, actually. Um...I was, uh...is Lucy Lacemaker there? Is she there? 'Cause I was, uh, well...it's just a...just a thing that…

Wumbo: I know nothing about this series, and I can’t imagine this sequence, whatever it is, works for anyone in my position.

Hyzenthlay (Azure Douglas): Psst, Sullivan. Have you found her yet?

Jjs: Azure Douglas is Hyzenthlay’s actual voice actor from the web show. Doug’s celebrity talent connections are truly impressive: Corey Taylor and the cast of Satellite City.

Fa: Slipknot AND Satellite City? Doug, you really splurged the budget this time huh?

Rusty: This feels like I’m watching a cheap talk show in text form.

Steel: This is coming from the same guy who complained about the first Pokemon movie not explaining to him everything he needed to know in full detail. I don’t understand what in the name of Alan’s Psychedelic Breakfast is going on here.

Slug: I’m terminally online and I have no idea what’s going on here, I genuinely could not imagine how a normie would react to any of this.

Croft: (whispers to Hyzenthlay) Shut the fuck up.

Jjs: Looks like he needs a timeout too.

NC: What do you mean, "Is she there?" She's just a made-up character.

Croft: Mmm, I mean, you're not exactly given creation all of its credit. It's not like you just...shit out the horcrux that Voldemort never meant to make…

Shit-Disturber Count: 4

Wumbo: Yeah, just take a rest there, lil’ machine. For all of this review’s many, many faults, excessive profanity isn’t one of them. Unless you count, of course, the profanity it inspires from its viewers.

(NC winces.)

Jjs: Doug reviewing the Harry Potter movies when?

Fa: Doug better call in Daniel Radcliffe now to fix things.

Croft: ...and that's it, you know, there is a lot more to it than that. When you make a character that looks real and feels real, well...hmm...the line tends to blur, you know? If you see her, just don't say anything stupid. Good luck, mate.

Jjs: And he gave Wiseau flak for incoherent dialogue. 

OWM: ...I have no idea what’s going on right now. But I’m sure Doug doesn’t either.

Clappy: Thank you so much for the foreshadowing for the next ten minutes or so of some of the worst sequences I’ve ever seen on YouTube. Yes everything up to this point has so far been pretty bad, but it’s an expected sort of awful when it comes to Doug Walker’s self-loving ego trips. What’s about to come…is something else entirely.

Steel: The Critic is going to say something stupid to her, isn’t he? I guess NC’s The Wall didn’t have enough stupidity already.

Slug: Not only is this confusing to probably upwards of 90% of the people who first saw this video, but what makes it weirder is how the review seems to somewhat hype up the crossover. To the point where it gets foreshadowed early on in the review. I mean… What a strange thing to hype up, was anybody actually asking for this? In what’s supposed to be a Pink Floyd video no less? 

NC: Oh, that's that weird creature I've seen looming around.

Jjs: And Doug didn’t think to do anything about its presence on the premises earlier, whyyyy?

Rusty: I’m not going there.

Fa: I’ve learned from the last two times I’ve seen this to take my LSD before this part starts. It’ll still suck of course. 

(His eyes widen in shock as he sees Lucy Lacemaker herself standing in the doorway...and having a voice for the first time!)

Jjs: The biggest character development for this character happening in a crossover event! Doug seems to care more about Satellite City than Pink Floyd.

Clappy: …like I said I refuse to do any research on this other web show, but did Doug just shade the Satellite City team he’s doing a crossover with by giving this character a voice for the first time!?

Steel: I suppose we owe this transcript writer some respect for being caught up with the SC lore unlike us and somehow being surprised by one particular character talking as if it were an event like Tom & Jerry talking in the 1992 film.

Lucy (Rikki Leigh Taffurelli):

Steel: Hope she’s been compensated well for giving this character a once in a lifetime speaking role for the good ol’ Nostalgia Critic.

Yes. And when I heard you were reviewing The much-to-be-desired Wall, I figured I'll find my own tippets.

Rusty: It’s a Scarf.

(NC puts the phone down and listens.)

Lucy: Style over substance, showcasing a bunch of weird creatures and worlds. Not a drop of intellectual development. All pen, no ink.

Clappy: 7fhWCPr7nv7KkdKPAKenfYx-c8XJ58DI08geQEI4

Doug Walker is Patrick in this scenario.

Jjs: Even Lucy was sick of Doug not reviewing and had to do it for him.

Fa: Holy shit actual criticism! I mean it’s terrible criticism, but it’s there!

OWM: Not one guest star, but two guest stars filling in for the one who’s supposed to be doing this.

Steel: We get something resembling more of a review, and Doug just lets a Satellite City character act as his mouthpiece. What was stopping him from doing a normal review anyway other than him wanting to make a pretentious Demo Reel bootlick over a film that he found to be pretentious?

Slug: You know, I would take these “Style over substance” criticisms a lot more seriously if Doug didn’t repeatedly show how he completely misunderstood the substance of The Wall every step of the way. 

NC: But...you are a weird creature. I thought you'd be all over this.

(The shots of the famous "Trial" sequence from the movie are shown as Lucy speaks.)

Lucy: Music is one thing. Film is quite another. 

Rusty: Duh.

Jjs: Bty62zzEqsDt1zVcmOGGIpnxkayDBBOAwHTDgTQ_

The beauty of music is letting your minds deal itself. 

Wumbo: The what is what now

Clappy: Too deep for me bro. Too deep that only you can comprehend what that means.

Rusty: fuck does that mean?

Steel: He must’ve read that from a fortune cookie. I bet that’s also where he got “Fad is one letter away from fade” and “We’re not who we were” from.

The beauty of cinema is taking those raw, maddening ideas and developing them. It's easy to think of a nonsensical idea. Fucking children do it! It's hard to turn these ideas into thinking, feeling characters and worlds. And isn't that the point of a cinematic adaptation? To make a point? Well, it's clear that the music here does that fine on its own. If you're going to adapt an album into a movie, a completely different medium, all they say... (whispers) One should adapt it.

Jjs: Doug, for the love of god, please stop trying to make sappy philosophical speeches. You know this one is bad when he couldn’t even have the gall to say it himself and needed a furry character from another show to do it for him.

OWM: What does she think about adapting an album adapted from a movie into this horrid monstrosity?

Wumbo: AND FAD IS JUST ONE LETTER AWAY FROM FADE, AM I RIGHT FOLKS?

Clappy: We're not who we were. We change. Sometimes, for the better, sometimes, for the worst, but we all change. Horrid monstrosities like this don't want us to change.

Fa: That moment when you're so averse to receiving criticism, that you give your furry, animated guest star a voice and have them say what you really wanted to say all along.

Rusty: I’m at a loss of words here...fuckin...why is this a part of the thing?????? Yeah I get it’s an adaptation of an album, but why are you making this speech in something THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE REVIEWING THE MOVIE 

Steel: Just when I already mocked this part of the review for trying too hard to be philosophical, it just continues to push the envelope. I don’t think any self-respecting person who worked on this adaptation had ever thought “this should be deeper and more thought-provoking than it already is.”

Slug: For a guy who complains about style over substance, it sure took us 97 pages of Doug’s “““““Style””””” for us to finally get to the substance of his critique… which still amounts to a bunch of pseudo-intellectualism for which the grand revelation is that movies should make sense. Riveting.

NC: Oh. So, being a fully developed character, you wanted more fully developed characters.

Lucy: Whether we're developed or not is down to the viewer, old son. But this film out there, oh...it fails to truly connect us to those amazing creatures and visuals.

Rusty: how

The Wall does indeed exist, and it lies between the monsters and the emotion, dreams and reality, anarchy and order. Make us feel for the world, make us connect to it, so we, too, can suffer with Pink!

Rusty: So it fails to connect to the monsters by connecting us to the monsters??? WHAT FUCKIN LOGIC IS THAT?

Jjs: Is this the actual "review" or still part of the “storyline”? There's so much nuanced philosophical depth I can't keep up!

OWM: Looks like this is supposed to be the “Trial” sequence from the album. Not that anyone could tell if they saw a giant CGI monster doing the talking.

Clappy: Are we sure Lucy isn’t being voiced by an even more high-pitched Doug Walker?

Steel: Well gee, Doug. In a movie where the music and its narrative is the centerpiece, did you really expect for it to put so much focus on the unimportant characters that aren’t supposed to be...important? Besides, what was that you were blabbering about again about the film needing to bring the runtime down?

NC: Visuals are usually praised as the best part. You think you can make a case that the weird characters needed more development?

Jjs: Doug has finally accepted defeat as a critic and now needs Lucy to take the torch from him. I see you Doug setting up Lucy’s own spin-off show!

OWM: And it would be a lot better, I hate to say.

Fa: Corey might’ve caught on to Doug’s scheme, but will Lucy?

Clappy: As long as Lucy picks out the correct wall color, she should not piss anyone off the way Doug has.

Lucy: Each one represented something deep and meaningful.

Rusty: Are they seriously going the “IT’S SYMBOLIC AND IT MEANS STUFF” route? This didn’t work for the Matrix whatever they were.

Fantastic designs and presence. Wouldn't you want more of them?

Steel: Sometimes, enough is enough. If the movie adaptation of The Wall didn’t have enough breathtaking visuals for you, Doug, then chances are the studio making it didn’t want to go over-budget. That’s at least what I think.

Slug: If there were more of them you’d just complain about the movie dragging on and it being too pretentious and full of itself.

Let me show you. Let me show you what happens when your dreams no longer need you.

(Lucy disappears in the dark, cackling. NC follows her...and we're shown them in an abstract world of the Satellite City, where NC is much smaller than everyone. This serves as the place for the tribute for the "Trial" scene.)

Jjs: Calling it a “tribute” is quite generous.

Clappy: Text…really does not do the disservice of how batshit insane the next series of events are. Like I don’t think I could do these riffs justice without sharing the video to truly understand the following six minutes of material:

Steel: I should get this out of the way before talking about this next series of scenes. I do not mean to throw shade towards Sam Fennah or any fellow animators that contributed to this, if there are additional personnel for the animated scenes. Sam Fennah seems to be a talented artist and animator from what I’ve glimpsed of this. For me to call this bad animation, I’d feel like it would be the same as me calling him a bad animator, when that’s not the case. In addition, I can’t fault him so much when he didn’t know everything about what he was going to be lending his talents to. The point I’m trying to make here is that I don’t think the animation in this segment is bad - the execution is, and to an extent, Doug is not a very good collaborator for what he’s doing with Sam’s work, the latter of whom is putting more effort into NC’s The Wall than the Critic himself.

Winifred (Alex Heinen): Right then, Lucy Lacemaker,

The court will take a vote on

Slug: The Supreme Court really has taken a dark turn.

If the film that plays before us

Can in any way show some feelings,

Worthy feelings of an almost canny nature,

From joys to gloom!

Clappy: I say we hold a separate trial to see if this video does the same.

Steel Juror: Can I be excused from jury duty, please?

(Next character that corners NC is Fontaine (Duane Joseph Olson).)

Jjs: This is also a Satellite City character, and fuck all if I’m linking to anymore lore pages for it because I’ve learned more than I need to.

Steel Juror: Your Honor, were we supposed to study these witnesses beforehand? We were never told about that. 

Fontaine: I always said I liked a well-made ditty.

I will not suffer shitty

Slug: These rhymes...

yA5hNOCyRdexj1AnNTWLE4ZFznFRJGN6yB6D7AhR

Those that bring forth naught but pity

Clappy: What a series of rhymes that weren’t remotely witty.

Steel: You know that whole rant from not too long ago about how the film doesn’t establish enough backstory or character for the creatures? Because Doug somehow doesn’t trust us enough to already get the picture on what Lucy was rambling about, we now have to sit through a whole song that’s saying the exact same thing as before. You’ve been warned.

For their lack of wit and mind.

But here, we'd rather find

The result of heartened artists.

Rusty: none of which are respected here

I say the music here is joyous,

Steel Juror: Define ‘joyous,’ when the music evidently hasn’t provided so much of an expression of joy from you nor from Critic, the defendant.

But with that, we have to say...

(Next is Shuck (Duane Joseph Olson).)

Shuck: Lazy,

Left in the attic. We're not crazy.

Clappy: Oh don’t worry, I assume another Satellite City character we aren’t going to get any insight on. You’re not the lazy and crazy ones here.

Rusty: No, but I’m feeling really stabby right now.

Steel Juror: We the jury must also question your definition of ‘lazy’ when we’re going to be expecting some more laziness from within this courtroom. 

Slug: Do we need to investigate Doug’s attic?

Constantly dreaming.

I just wish they'd give us some more time to live!

Rusty: I’D GIVE YOU MORE TIME TO LIVE IF YOU’D SHUT UP oh god this is turning me into the Nostalgia Critic, aren’t I? Fucking Anger Issues.

Steel Juror: The defendant, the Nostalgia Critic, argues that The Wall should've been brought down from its estimated 95-minute runtime, so exactly how much screen time would’ve been warranted even under that condition?

(Another creature is Mystique (Ericka Osete), who shows up behind NC.)

Mystique: Lazy...

Constantly at it, being lazy…

Clappy: I don’t want to hear Doug ever complain about Space Jam’s bunny boobies ever again when there is literal big breasted scantily clad furry bait multiple times in this music video.

Jjs: I know, Doug can’t even bother to continue the review and now needs Satellite City characters to hijack it for him!

Steel Juror: Your Honor, I beg to inform that the second witness shares the exact same comments as the previous, and that should suggest that the Satellite City cast, in their cast against the Critic, lack the evidence to back their claim that Pink Floyd’s The Wall’s random characters were unfairly underdeveloped and, therefore, there’s little reason for this trial to continue.

(She clicks her fingers, and NC appears before Sombra (Duane Joseph Olson), who picks him up by the jacket collar and throws him in a high cage. NC squirms in fear.)

Jjs: Yes, Doug is finally getting punished for his numerous crimes! This running gag riff has finally paid off!

OWM: Ah, now we can finally end this tiresome trial thing. Off to the chair with him!

Clappy: Like I said earlier, riffing this just doesn’t give this portion justice. Because if you were actually watching this (like I did), you’d see how badly animated some of these sequences are. I mean I don’t expect high quality studio budgeted CGI or anything. And I’m not even saying the Satellite City animator is bad at what he does. But mixing in actual person Doug Walker with these CGI creatures and trying to animate them is such a tall task that doesn’t pay off, whatsoever. Just a misguided decision.

Steel Juror: We don’t approve of bondage in this courtroom. 

Sombra: Those little shits, they've done it now!

We all deserve personality.

Rusty: where the fuck is this going

Steel Attorney: Why did I have to end up with such moronic clients? 

They could have used us far more often than they did!

But no, they had to go their own way!

Slug: The Satellite City characters being MGTOW is a plot twist I did not expect.

We are bored of Alice, we want the Hatter!

Just five minutes more, Your Honor.

Jjs: I doubt it’s gonna be just “five minutes” with how much this keeps going on and on and on.

Fa: Five Minutes Later

Clappy: Wet_Painters_071.png

Steel Juror: Your Honor, we request no more time in this courtroom and we should dismiss this case now as it seems that it’s going nowhere. These witnesses provide no solid claims rather than nitpicks about how these particular characters that they defend should be overpriotized than the main character, Pink.

Slug: How long those 5 minutes feel 82NOdEvrP1Ktk1uBeU1nbvjP9ff-PUuolqL8wK5W

Them and us, alone.

(Suddenly, another creature flies downward in a colorful tunnel.)

Fleischer (Angela Alice Simpson): WAAAAAAAIT!! (lands in front of NC)

Steel Juror: We the jury attest that she was not called witness. 

This film's not bound by characters, it's a visual affair!

Rusty: Where the fuck is this going?

It never aimed to tell a story,

Steel: You tell Roger Waters that. 

Rather a sprawling canvas of

Emotion, visual splendor,

And, Your Honor, we can take that home!

Jjs: Saul Goodman needs to learn a thing or two from the Satellite City cast on how to convince a judge and jury.

Clappy: The last thing I want recovering Bob Odenkirk to watch right now is this.

OWM: Has he tried hijacking a Nostalgia Critic episode with his own wacky cast of characters? That can sway even the highest courts of law.

(Fade out…

Jjs: Fad.

and smash cut to Ludwig (Duane Joseph Olson) standing inside a clockwork mechanism.)

Ludwig: Maybe

There's more to the picture,

Just maybe.

Both sides of the wall…

Steel Juror: We the jury plead to court not to carry on with this case since some of these witnesses are coming to an agreement with some the Critic’s viewpoints on Pink Floyd’s The Wall.

(He's joined by Dorothy (Ashley Tyler).)

Rusty: Where The Fuck Is This Going?

Ludwig and Dorothy: There's a difference between nonsense, after all!

Jjs: Nonsense is a pretty good word to describe the Satellite City crossover-I mean this review-I mean Pink Floyd parody-I mean arthouse cinema turned into.

Fa: Nonsense is an apt description for this video. 

OWM: The mind of a Critic works in mysterious ways. Or maybe he just didn’t plan this out in the slightest. 

Wumbo: I… I got nothin’. See you when whatever this is is over. Do I mean this specific part of the review, or the whole thing? We’ll see!

Clappy: Did they even think out some of these lyrics or did they just dig up random nonsense on a word generator?

Steel Juror: And your point is….? Between nonsense AND what…? These witnesses are the ones that are being nonsensical here.

Slug: Honest question. Are you learning anything about what Doug thinks about The Wall from this sequence? Outside of some very minimal observations like the fact that he thinks it has interesting visuals and wishes the creatures got more development? I think it’s a sign of a very fundamentally bad review when the “Reviewing” itself either doesn’t exist or is vague to the point of being pointless.

That and...

(Luna (Halie Anderson) is sitting on the glowing moon.)

Rusty: Where. The. Fuck. Is. This. GOING?

Ludwig and Luna: Creation!

Luna: Genius, and nonsense, and creation!

Steel Juror: Oh, for a moment I thought the next word was going to ‘Laziness.’ 

(Lucy, who serves as the judge, stands above NC on a pile of hammers.)

Jjs: Lucy being the judge all along was apparently the real plot twist of this episode...I think.

Clappy: The real plot twist is there are zero tweeting smartphones in this song.

Steel: Golly, no wonder this “trial” wasn’t making any sense.

Lucy: The evidence before the court is incontrovertible!

Jjs: Look at you and those big words!

There's no need for the jury to retire!

In all my years of judging, I have never seen before

A film so deserving of both love and wanting more!

Slug: Tl;dr: Movie bad but also good.

(She jumps on his shoulder.)

Rusty: WHERE. THE. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK..IS. THIS. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG????????????????????? 

Is this just something that was part of something completely unrelated and then when it failed they just threw it in like “oh yea, it’ll be perfect for this.”, which, okay, yea, just coming up with stuff just to see what sticks is a far from uncommon method of creating stuff, but like, maybe there is a reason why this didn’t work. I doubt it'll help if I knew anything about Satellite City other than it’s apparently a Furry Webseries, which I never knew about until today, July 26, 2021. Seems like, from what I saw, just your standard faux-dark “spookyshit” thing that people like to latch onto just to say they like dark things without actually liking really dark and disturbing things.

God this review is turning me into something I hate. I’m someone who genuinely delights in the weird and the unusual, but like when you’re doing something so half-assed that you just let a bunch of, I’m gonna say it, Hazbin Hotel wannabies just run around spewing nonsense for like 7 minutes in an attempt to say “oh we’re weird DO HO HO HO HO HO HO”, especially in what is considered a R E V I E W, Then It pisses me off. It just does nothing but make you look like an asshat, and considering who we’re talking about, that shouldn’t be the least bit surprising.

The way it makes you tougher,

Makes you think and feel but suffer,

Fills me with an urge to decapitate!

Jjs: You’ll fit in just fine in the Channel Awesome verse.

Rusty: I’ve been trying to suppress those urges.

Clappy: Once again, Channel Awesome supporting the right to bear arms at all times. Even giving those equal rights to furries.

Steel: [You chose the “Worst Possible Ending.” With the Satellite City cast taking complete control of this unpleasant acid trip, and subsequently, the Nostalgia Critic series as a whole, Doug, as his Critic character, is confined to serve an endless trial, as part of Lucy Lucemaker’s punishment. Surely, a fate worse than being sentence to life in the Plot Hole.]

Slug: Lucy is far from the only one to come away from this video with that urge.

I believe...this film is apt with much to be revered!

But the marvelous creatures should be adored,

As opposed to being feared!

Tear down the wall!

Jjs: TEAR DOWN THIS WALL MR DOUGACHEV 

(The hand-drawn animation of iconic walking hammers kicks in, blurring and flashing before the viewers. 

Jjs: This animation talent is so damn good it’s now literally blinding us.

Rusty: Oh good, just what I needed, A MIGRAINE

Steel: And we won’t hear from them again. Court’s dismissed, bring in the dancing big lipped alligators.

The clock's striking is heard, and images and clips from before roll on screen again. All the while, the chanting "Tear down the wall!" are played in rhythm with the music. CRASH! Cut to the wall being destroyed by the smiling NC, who is back at his studio again. 

Clappy: Eww. Smiling Doug is the creepiest Doug.

Fa: Ah, good time for the LSD to be wearing off…

Slug: WHEN THE DOUG WALKER IS SUS!!!

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He looks aside...and sees Corey, who has fallen asleep and is leaning on the corner.)

Jjs: You can really feel the investment.

Rusty: ok, 2 riffs in one:

1.) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

2.) Hey, I see someone took that Lunesta I pitched earlier, I better get paid for that.

NC: Hey!

Clappy: HfLeC5Hyvt7Bra0KQdpVKlBiogX8ZkF-JiD1-MtP

(Corey wakes up. Annoyed, NC moves the destroyed wall away from the shot, and a sound of glass shattering is heard. NC and Corey look at one other.)

NC: (imitating Curly Bill from Tombstone) Well...bye.

Jjs: It’s also common sense to expect a reference to Tombstone in a Pink Floyd parody.

OWM: Tombstone Pizza? Yeah, whatever, at this point he can mention anything and it wouldn’t be too out of place.

Wumbo: CLASSIC Curly Bill from Tombstone (what the deep fried fuck is going on)

Clappy: Yes, that’s a pop culture reference Doug. Now can you elaborate what the hell just happened and how it all ties in?

Rusty: 

Steel: [You chose the “I Give Up Ending.” No more NC’s The Wall, which means no more of his crazy shenanigans, and this isn’t the very end however, but you know what? Let’s just end it there. “Well...bye” indeed.]

(He goes to leave.)

Corey: (speaks for the first time in the video) What, that's it?

Jjs: ...I genuinely didn’t realize he didn’t speak until now. The pay better seriously have been worth it. 

Patchy the Pirate: That’s it? That’s NC’s The Wall? That was just a bunch of cheap Demo Reel garbage!

Slug: I mean, if you want more, there’s the album Doug released too. I have no idea why you’d want more, but it does exist.

(NC stops and turns back to Corey.)

Corey: We're stopping there?

Rusty: Please god.

Slug: We can only hope.

NC: Well...yeah, the movie did.

Jjs: *wink wink*

CinemaSins: DING!

Rusty: Thank you god.

Corey: I didn't even get a line! Hell, I didn't even sing a song! What'd you even think of the movie?

Jjs: Is Corey riffing with us now too?

Clappy: His silence speaks even more volumes as to what he thought of this.

Steel: Corey just saying it like it is. Congrats Doug, you’re self-aware. If only if you had the self-awareness to realize this whole shebang was an awful idea.

Slug: You didn’t catch it? Movie criticizing society bad, movie too long (But also should’ve had more development which would’ve increased its length too?), and movie pretentious. Are you not satisfied with that? 

NC: Well, the movie ended on such an open vagueness, that it only makes sense that the review end on such an open vagueness.

Jjs: And just like your other attempts to parody movies, it only makes sense your parody of it ends up being even worse than what happens in the film. If there’s one thing Doug was consistent for, it sure was that!

Wumbo: DOHOHOHOHO

Clappy: No. A review should end on finality. Did your heroes Siskel and Ebert end their reviews with CGI/live action hybrid monstrosities and/or pop culture references!? No. They gave their final thoughts and an actual rating. Hell even your transcript writer italicized the word “review” because he or she didn’t know what the fuck this was.

Fa: I mean he literally had a furry speak for him, did you really think he’d tell you how he felt?

Rusty: There is a fine line between parody and imitation, doug...aw forget it.

Slug: Guys, his review isn’t bad, He’s just sucking IRONICALLY!!!

(Beat)

Corey: (flabbergasted) It's a REVIEW! That is literally the opposite of what that is!

Jjs: I refuse to believe this was scripted.

Clappy: Move over Jim Jarosz, Corey is becoming this riffing series MVP in the last minute.

Rusty: Finally someone with common sense.

Steel: [You chose the “Corey! Ending.” Corey breaks down the wall that bound him to the Critic and his shtick by destroying him with facts and logic. This ultimatum would cause for Doug to retire the Nostalgia Critic series and the character altogether. Out of desperation to keep Channel Awesome alive, Corey would be given his own successful spin-off: Corey in the House. (“It’s a party every week, baby!”)]

Slug: Corey’s outburst here pretty much accurately describes every clipless review Doug has done for the past 6 years pretty well.

NC: OKAY! I liked it fine.

Jjs: FINALLY, here’s your review everyone with only 2 minutes left to spare!

Slug: I like how it’s gotten to the point where Doug basically has to be harassed into actually reviewing and giving his opinion on the film in question. He almost seems self-aware about how little these videos qualify as reviews nowadays.

Corey: Yeah, me, too.

NC: A little full of itself, but good music and imagination.

Jjs: This is what he spent 37 minutes building up, folks! Look at how much depth he’s extrapolated! I’m also glad he actually apparently liked the music despite spending the majority of the video calling it awful.

Fa: Literally every song you called it pretentious but okay sure.

OWM: All this time and all this money spent only for him to admit that he wasn’t even expressing his real opinion the whole time.

Wumbo: “prenteinus but god musik” is the only thing written on Doug Walker’s notepad, and he just winged it from there. Asking him to trim it down is interfering with the process!

Clappy: Yes. “Pink Floyd and Roger Waters” were full of themselves while making this. That’s a great excuse for the fucking 40 minute ego trip for Doug Walker that we just experienced.

Rusty: Wow, so he just wasted 30 minutes when he could have just said that. All that money, man hours, effort, all spent on a review that could’ve been 13 words long. THIRTEEN. WORDS. If this was a better written piece, it would’ve been funny, but this is the guy who pretended to like a movie just because he thought it would appease his fanbase. This guy….I don’t even know what to call this guy other than a blowhard.

Steel: Thanks for your feedback. Do you want to know what I thought of your analysis? It was dreadful. Full of itself too, with no good sense of parody or imagination. There, that’s my review and that’s all you’re getting from me.

Slug: The definition of pretentious is “characterized by assumption of dignity or importance, especially when exaggerated or undeserved." Padding out a video to 40 minutes when you’ve got 1-2 minutes top worth of analysis so that you can do some massive ego trip strikes me as far more as exaggerating your undeserved importance than anything Pink Floyd did with their film. It was really worth waiting 30+ minutes to learn these incredible insights!

Corey: Fair enough.

(They stare for a bit.)

Jjs: It’s not the end of our Nostalgia Critic riffs without more needless filler either, ar ar ar!

Steel: Corey doesn’t seem to be done with his staring contest, it seems.

NC: So, now what?

Wumbo: Now… you end the video. Of course, what’s a little MORE time wasted?

Clappy: 500 or so episodes in and he’s forgotten his own catchphrase ends these episodes?

Steel:

Slug: Watch the movie or the Pink Floyd album instead, a much better use of your time.

Corey: Well... (takes his electric guitar) Since you got me...

(NC gasps, overjoyed.)

Jjs: Is Doug Slipknot’s #1 fan now?

Clappy: I would search the web for a fan-made picture of Doug looking metal, but I’m too scared at even the thought of that.

Corey: I think I can sing you one of my biggest hits.

NC: You mean...?!

Corey: (smiles) Oh, yeah.

Clappy: I’m looking forward to this rendition of Stone Sour’s “Through Glass”. Good song to wrap this episode up on-

(Cut to Corey playing on his guitar, joined by his son, Doug, his cast in the review (sans Rob and Barney, who were filming this shot), Brad Jones, his wife Laura, and Rob Scallon accompanying in the background.)

Jjs: Now he’s just taunting us with this blatant nepotism.

Clappy: Ah so this is the new Channel Awesome eating shawarma scene.

Wumbo: Brad Jones is married? That poor woman.

Rusty: Yea his personality isn’t worth his dick, from what I’ve heard.

Steel: While Doug’s father and brother Rob couldn’t partake in this once in a lifetime performance from Corey Taylor, live from Doug’s studio, they at least had the honor to film it.

Slug: oSAOWrcfKEzMBEJeX-5Xt5rg-HOCr2yHC60RLN_e

Corey: (singing) Oooohhhh... Who lives in the pineapple under the sea?

All: SpongeBob SquarePants!

Jjs: dahahahaha so Doug gets the lead singer of Slipknot to...do a theme song cover

Wumbo:

Clappy: This can’t be real.

Rusty: Like I said, this is the same “Oh we’re so Quirky ho ho ho ho ho do” shit that I absolutely LOATHE.

Steel: I wasn’t expecting to be surprised by this “surprising and unexpected!!!” bait and switch, and I’m still let down by this.

Slug: 6qEI3E4qQvvzHXWme0M3u0oJVppkxiz2H-omW-TK

Corey: (singing) Absorbent and yellow and porous is he?

All: SpongeBob SquarePants!

Corey: (singing) If nautical nonsense be something you wish...

All: SpongeBob SquarePants!

Corey: (singing) Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!

All: SpongeBob SquarePants!

Jjs: Seriously...did Doug predict a SpongeBob forum would riff him someday? Because that’s the only plausible explanation I can muster for why SpongeBob is here.

Wumbo: I… g… JESUS FUCK WHYYYYYY

Clappy: This review sure flopped like a fish, amirite?

Steel: [You chose the “True, Best Possible, and Yet Also Incredibly Disappointing Ending.” You’ve done it, you’ve braved through this whole pseudo-cinematic disaster, but was it really worth it? Is this the thanks we get for putting up with all this nautical nonsense? Well, screw you too, Doug.]

Slug: He didn’t even say “Are you ready, kids?” to begin with because he knew no one was ready for this.

Corey: Ready?

Everybody: (singing) SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob...SquarePants!

(Corey plays the final eight notes of the theme song, and everybody breaks into laughter. 

Jjs: q-vDUkhXpoHFjBAFLhvgDfFIPUKda63IAh3pB42x

Rusty:

AGAIN!

The cover for Rob Scallon's album for the video appears as the laughing continues.)

Fa: That’s nothing to laugh over sadly.

Clappy: Ah yes can’t forget to plug the album.

Steel: “Zero stars all across the board!” - Probably the critical “praise” that’s printed on each physical copy.

Doug: Good.

Corey: Yeah. I mean, uh...let that be here.

Rusty: Let’s never speak of this again.

(Everybody laughs again.)

Doug: Check out the album!

Jjs: *hypnotized* Must buy Nostalgia Critic’s The Wall album…

Clappy: Or stream Pink Floyd The Wall instead of a cheap as fuck knockoff.

Steel: I’ll be sure to find it someday in the ‘Free/Useless junk’ section of my local media store.

Slug: I will make it my mission not to.

(The credit that says thanks to Corey and Griff, Rob Scallon and Sam Fennah's animated creatures appears. The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the rest of the credits.)

OWM: —we came in?

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Slug: UAPNAoe0BwXUIIbP6KSS0BLHNsMrWkn61BTB0ZoR

Steel: While I’m usually the last to write my closing paragraph, I’m just going to have myself up first since I’ve already expressed my real thoughts on my pre-review statement. Also, it’s because I know of no other better way to sum up our collective experience than with this:

Huh, that’s funny, I used a clip from a Happy Madison film…from a company with a fanbase that Doug, as he so claimed as his Critic character, isn’t intelligent enough to comprehend true comedy and here is the smartest, and near-perfect response to this trainwreck...

Anyways, it’s been three years now since this video came out and it’s still being talked of like it’s still one of the worst things ever, and yeah, I can see why. This has been an entertaining ride and it’s been fun making a mockery out of these bad NC videos. That’s it for my time with the NC riffs. I’m Steel, NC’s The Wall can suck it, and godspeed.

Jjs: I’m speechless. This was absolutely atrocious. It truly is as bad as people have made it out to be, it’s one you have to see to believe. Is it truly the worst Nostalgia Critic video ever made? It’s still a close call for me, but honestly...I’m going to have to say yes because of how purely delusional it is. Doug genuinely seemed to think he was making arthouse pseudo-intellectual cinema, which is the ultimate culmination of how cocky this show has become. His accompanying album further shows how egotistical he is. This “review” was really one big commercial for the album, and as a result, the “review” portion was an afterthought. As awful as the past eleven episodes were, on some level, I could still vaguely see a point in a few. They were incredibly misguided or messy, but something was there. I can’t see one here because he says literally nothing insightful or thought-provoking whatsoever about the film, it’s him twiddling his thumbs with his awful song parodies for nearly 40 minutes. Not helped by how much like the Hocus Pocus “review”, his views on the material are a confusing mess. He spends the majority of the “parody” mocking every song, but then out of the blue in his 10 second review says he liked them? Maybe if the song parodies had any actual substance to them, I could’ve believed that, but not how they played out here. It was yet another lousy attempt at a half-assed, last minute “review” when Doug realized he forgot to say anything of substance. It’s easy to call this episode as a whole “lazy” due to that, but after further contemplation, I’d say “confused” is the better term to describe it. There is effort put into this, but in all of the wrong areas, areas that have you scratching your head. However, one aspect that I do absolutely find lazy are the godawful song “parodies”, which were supposed to be the selling point. That’s what really gets me man, how lazy these songs were. What I love about Weird Al’s song parodies is how he never resorted to the lowest common denominator humor of going “DURR THE SONG SUCKS!” I’m not expecting Doug to be a master song writer, but if you’re gonna do this, I expect a bit more substance to the lyrical aspects. Moulin Rouge and Les Miserables, his other two musical reviews, weren’t masterpieces but I felt more care was put into the songs. The “parody” excuse again doesn’t fly here for me when he completely misunderstands what the songs and film truly mean (...again). But poetically, I guess The Wall is the perfect representation of the post-Demo Reel era: Doug wants to waste your time with overly indulgent skit “stories” when I believe he should instead focus on actually reviewing the fucking movie. If people still find other certain episodes worse than this for personal reasons, I wouldn’t argue. I’m sure everyone else has a lot to say on this disasterpiece, so I’m gonna move to my closing essay on this series as a whole.

Overall, this was quite a ride. I have to say, this riffing experience did truly change my perspective on the Nostalgia Critic series. I know we’ve beaten Doug into the ground a lot by now, so the fact we still came up with unique new perspectives and reasons for why a lot of his videos don’t work is truly an impressive feat. I honestly had fun riffing Doug despite how bad his show’s gotten. I’ll give the guy this: He gave me something new to say every episode, and it was fascinating analyzing his videos than ones from other bad YouTube critics. It’s a trainwreck you can’t look away from. Y’know, as easy as it is to dunk on the guy nowadays, I don’t do it lightly. It’s actually sad deep down seeing how low his content has sunk. There was a time where I honestly genuinely did enjoy his content, and he was a big inspiration for my original theater’s beginnings. I do have nostalgia (heh) for when I binged his show in summer 2013, as poorly as many of those videos aged now. He also introduced me to The Room and Wiseau. Doug does probably care about film deep down, even if in misguided and aloof ways, so to see him churn out something as baffling as this is genuinely sad. He could do better than this. In a vacuum, you could still dig out a few passable reviews from his library. As Wumbo said before, it’s not like everything the guy’s done has been horseshit. But unfortunately, much like The Simpsons, the bad parts, along with Channel Awesome’s collapse, eclipse much of the good by now with how long it’s chugged along. I'll let the viewers decide if those bad parts nullify any aspects you previously liked or not. If you somehow still enjoy Doug’s content, we won’t stop you. However, I feel even they have to admit Doug’s show has dragged on way too long. We really don’t need the Nostalgia Critic in 2021. We didn’t need him after 2012 either but I could understand the desire for more when he was beloved. I think people would’ve respected Doug if he had left the show off there while some dignity was left. There’s so many media reviewers out there today that will provide better insight on film than you get with having to wade through Doug’s skits for a single point of analysis. And yes, there are many terrible YouTubers out there today that are objectively worse than Doug, such as the grifter anti-SJW "critics" who deliberately spread false information for ragebait. I’m not saying they’re any better, they’re absolutely the lowest of the low. However, for some reason I (naively) held Doug to a higher standard than them, so that’s why his flaws are especially frustrating.

Even after everything though, part of me feels slight pity for Doug, regardless of how complacent he was in Channel Awesome’s mismanagement. He’s the mascot of the site (which I guess may actually explain why SpongeBob was here, ah ha!), and they put all their cards on him being their money maker. It’s why the twisted puppeteers had to bring his show back from the dead because he’s their star. Much like GameFreak, he has to churn out content on a weekly basis for them, and I know from personal experience that is bound to take its toll. You knew with all that pressure this show was eventually bound to turn into a walking zombie. With that in mind, this decline was inevitable. It’s just I don’t think we ever expected it’d get...this bad. It’s why I seriously think another break might do Doug and friends some wonders. Overall, we’ve said enough about Nostalgia Critic for a lifetime and I’ve given Doug more than enough attention. I can tell you I certainly never want to watch another episode ever again after this. I consider this my definitive goodbye to this part of SBC lore and I’m moving on. I know there’s episodes we missed that deserved riffing, but I wanted to choose the twelve episodes I felt showed Doug’s biggest faults as a reviewer. I’d rather have 12 really great riffs than 100+ where we have nothing to say, much like what Doug’s show has turned into. I have to give everyone a special thanks for being involved in The Critic Chronicles, none of this would’ve been possible without such an incredible team to help me out. I also owe Steel a special thanks for his worst list which helped lay the groundwork for this, and to the elusive Channel Awesome Wiki scribe for making this possible. I’m jjs, and we riffed Nostalgia Critic so you didn’t have to.

Wumbo: I stopped watching this show after Christmas with the Kranks. That was the final straw for me. But I decided to sign on to this review anyway, because I had to know how bad it could possibly get from there. Folks… it is bad. This has to be the lamest excuse for a “review” I’ve ever seen. It is, once again, a “showcase” for Doug’s “skills” as an artiste, without having any substance or point. Doug has the intellectual capacity of a broken toaster, and didn’t even bother to review the damn thing because he had no evidence, because he didn’t bother to research! It is lowest common denominator shit gussied up to try to look somewhat presentable, but even there he fails because he is so comically inept at filmmaking. Hang it up, dude. Demo Reel didn’t work, not because your viewers hate chaaaange, but because you suck. You have always sucked, and this is your crowning achievement of suck. What a pile of shit.

Shit-Disturber Count: Holy shit

Wumbo: It was cool to go back and riff something apart from our site, particularly ironic since I think the Nostalgia Critic is who inspired a lot of our reviews. It says something that we’ve now turned to riffing him as we’ve grown up and realized how awful he is. Do I think he’s a bad person? Maybe by proxy, but he’s more stupid than anything, and in way over his head. Too much Internet can seriously break your brain in so many ways, and for Doug it took him from a shouty Internet reviewer to unbelievable delusions of grandeur, culminating in this video. It’s so bad, y’all. It is so. Bad. I want to cap this off with a big, sweeping thought on Nostalgia Critic, but I’m so worn down by whatever the fuck this was that I’ll let the riffers with some energy left take care of it. Wumbo out.

Clappy: So….was this the worst thing on the internet like so many have claimed it to be? Yes and no. I’m honestly fascinated by how misguided so much of this was. Yes, I came in expecting it to be pompous, egotistical, and narcissistic from what little I’ve watched at times since the negative feedback went viral. But I was not fully ready for the amounts of stupidity this man was about to spew. Doug has been in over his head before when it comes to the material he tackled on this show, but this is different.  

I genuinely believe that Doug wanted to pay homage to a movie that he liked, even if it was hard to grasp what his true feelings were throughout the entire review. But whatever point he was trying to make was not accomplished. This is one of the rare times where Doug’s review needed a strawman like in many of the other episodes we have riffed during our time on this project. Because not once in this episode where someone was challenging Doug, the cynical adult on his views of The Wall.

There was never a moment where he showed a different perspective on what the movie was trying to convey. For example, the young teenager portion. That whole segment felt like it was criticizing people who liked the song instead of showing appreciation for why it became one of the most iconic Pink Floyd songs of all time. If he actually does appreciate the song, he would have had someone come out to challenge his points instead of making him come off as a boomer trying to get in touch with the youth of today. And that’s just one example of the many times Doug did not have any sort of counter-argument in favor of the movie. It’s one thing to parody or pay homage, but this is a review show. You have to make your points known, otherwise you’re going to be sitting there watching your audience correctly point out to you that you were in over your head tackling a movie with a strong passionate fanbase that will correctly call you out on your bullshit anti-takes.

But at the same time, I strangely admire Doug putting himself out there with this colossal failure. I’ve got to give him credit on this one. I will NEVER forget this crazy ass experience. There is something to watching this hilariously bad misfire in comparison to watching Doug give his thoughts on the latest bad family film of a nostalgic property. He put so much effort into this and it all went so horribly wrong because whatever message he did have just got completely lost amidst Doug’s trip up his own ego.

So in a way, yes this is god awful. It’s a big fat fucking F for me and one of his worst reviews, period. I’m not denying that especially with that six minute atrocious animated sequence full of nightmare fuel and terrible CGI. That’s one of the worst segments of anything I’ve ever seen. But in a way, I’ll never forget this one.

And that was the Critic Chronicles. Got to say that I had a blast doing this and hope we find more material to riff again in the future. It’s nice to take down one of my old idols. I won’t say that I’m ashamed of ever being a fan of the Nostalgia Critic. That’s a time of my life that I have zero regrets over. Hell he made plenty of good content throughout the years to ever regret liking him. But to quote Doug Walker one more time: 

We change. Sometimes, for the better, sometimes, for the worst, but we all change.

And that includes our tastes in content. I, as well as many, have grown tired of watching Doug Walker in 2021. Thank you for the years of entertainment Doug, but I’m 30 now and your content just doesn’t do it for me anymore. Some people evolve well with the times, and while Doug may be trying to adapt with an ever evolving reviewing landscape, he just isn’t evolving fast enough to really grasp why his fanbase isn’t what it once was. I’m Clappy and I remember it…even though I wish I didn’t.

Rusty: Doug managed to make the longest 38 minutes in recorded history. As someone who kinda stopped watching him after a huge breakdown (yet wouldn’t stop watching shit like the Cinema Snob until 2020, sorry), it’s honestly sad how deep up his own ass Doug has dug. Like, there is a big difference between MST3K and NC. MST3K knew they weren’t reviews, and weren’t meant to be reviews, it was meant to be comedic. NC blurred the lines between “Comedic Mockery” and “Straight-Laced Review” that we’re still feeling the aftershocks of them right now. It’s something that really may last until the inevitable collapse of society. I wish I had something clever to say but I’m kinda burned out. It’s honestly sad how doug has an audience still after Change the Channel...oh and this review was, again, a complete waste of time. Thanks, Jjs, everybody who read this, whereever you may be, and I would make a reference to Bikini Top but all I could come up with was “Fish Sex (Jex) in a Vomit-Green Boatmobile… while listening to a FishPod.” Yeah, I think this review broke me a little...or maybe it’s my house…

One more thing, If Doug ever wrote a character that said: “I’m a Spineless Egomaniac”, then I’d say he’d be writing about himself. Peace.

Fa: So for me, this was one of my first videos I saw of Doug and NC. I thought it was bad at the time, even without the context of his other works. 

I watched it again recently with my roommate because he wanted to know if it was as bad as everyone said it was -- we both agreed it was. They say the third time's the charm, but guys, it’s still absolutely terrible. There’s literally no true criticism beyond “it’s pretentious” and “WWII reference lazy” or equally bad takes for the first 3/4ths of it. He then feels it appropriate to shoehorn unnecessary segments such as social media because he was getting “cancelled” on there. And don’t even get me started on the fever dream that was the satellite city segment.

At the end of the day however, what really kills any chance of me finding a positive thing to say about this video is one simple fact: I literally have no idea how the man feels about this movie. Sure, he throws in a blanket “yeah it’s fine” at the end, but that’s only after uses every song parody to mock the movie for being pretentious, uses a segment of the social media bit to act like their critique of the politics was too vague, and continuously acts like a man who grew up in WWII and it’s aftermath referencing said war is lazy. At a certain point it’s just damn near disingenuous. Yet can I believe Doug must like this to some degree to recreate the damn movie and it’s album? Yeah I can, making it even more unacceptable the fact that I have zero clue how he truly feels about it.

In more ways than one, this is Doug Walker’s magnum opus of shit and I watched so you don’t have to. And hopefully there will never be a fourth viewing.

THE END

Thanks to all who supported and contributed to this. It was truly wonderful to bring back Riffing Theater with a fresh experiment. It was quite a risk that I feel paid off beautifully. Seeing how successful this was, there may be more riff miniseries in the future. I'm done riffing SBC stories since OMJ and Steel have their own theaters now to pass that torch onto, but the idea of riffing more content outside of SBC is enticing. Have patience, and you might get that in time. See ya later, Bran Flakes.

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48 minutes ago, FBarnhill said:

Yo, normally I would bump dead threads but ya might wanna revisit this one. His latest video is getting a lot of notices. Not the good kinds...

While I appreciate the offer, we've moved on from talking about Doug and riffing in general. The rest of the internet can dunk on that video without us.

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"Bad Nostalgia Critic" already peaked with The Wall review, so even if this newer NC video is his newest low in a while, I don't think it's really worth talking about.

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