1. Welcome to the Cinema (Guru Gakuto; Episode 1)
Good evening to all. Welcome to the first installment of Chemist Bob’s Catastrophic Creations Cinema – CBC3 for short. As the title already suggests, the host is none than, yours truly, Chemist Bob. At the request of my fellow who embodies my very image, the aim of this show is to work my way through a select few works made by Steel Sponge that haven’t been torn apart before on the ol’ Jjs’ Riffing Theater, and of course, I’m talking about works of Steel’s in which they have been victims of a bad case known as…bad writing!
It is my job to analyze and riff these past horrors with Steel’s and I’s own brand of snark. My guiding force thought it would be best if this show starts off with a look back on a little spin-off named Guru Gakuto – 10-year old a spin-off that was once so great that it started a short-lived trend in the form of the DoodleBob-starred spin-off micogenre, if you could call it that. I’m just a visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of one particular SBC member, so I don’t write my own scripts.
Alright, back on topic with Guru Gakuto. It’s got an interesting description of story and characters, so let’s see what we’re going to expect out of this spin-off…
Plot: 12 years after Spongebob (2022),
Man, I feel so old reading that. It shocks me that we’re just a mere two years away from 2022 now. Will the events portrayed in this spin-off’s 2022 actually happen in the real world? Steel was far-off from what did happen in 2020 through his short-lived creation, Can You Please Past the Future, so I have my doubts.
Spongebob becomes mayor of Bikini Bottom.
Oh, the year 2010…that was the year boys became men, girls became women, and the year good ol’ author still didn’t have the decency to capitalize the ‘Bob’ in ‘SpongeBob.’ That’s quite a bit of disrespect to internet SpongeBob personas everywhere, myself included.
Then, an abandoned notebook drops into a magic cauldron, bringing DoodleBob back from the dead. As a return, DoodleBob decides to unleash Doodle Darkness in Bikini Bottom, and eventually erase the entire boundaries of Bikini Bottom, and then the whole ocean.
The heroes of this story plot to defeat the Doodle Darkness by using the powers of Doodle Light invested in them. Reconnect. Kingdom Hearts.
Following another backstory of 7 abandoned kids
I could’ve sworn that there was no other backstory addressed in this description.
which belonged to a hidden legend named Gakuto after their parents, including the kids themselves died, until Gakuto gave the kids pebbles of life.
This is the story of a group of kids that belonged to Gakuto after they and their parents died…until they were no longer dead.
After they were each resurrected, Gakuto hears that Bikini Bottom needed him. Gakuto disappears and separates his kids, who were resurrected in the sin circle. Spongebob now sends the pre-teens to find Gakuto and restore peace.
At this point, I could only wonder how this story is going to pan out. I’m concerned about the whole “sin circle” part, though. Anyways, let’s have a look at our cast of main characters.
Sierra: Resurrected with Lust.
Alright, so we’re looking at a group of characters with personalities based off of the Seven Deadly Sins. I see where the author is getting at here. So, how can you go wrong with this?
The leader of the group, and has sudden crush with second in-command: Rick, but precisely in a "different" way.
And just like that, I am concerned. Sure, these kids were born into different respective families, but when it comes down to the fact that these seven were adopted into one big family, there’s one conclusion you can’t help but come to from these implications. Of course, the author was 15 at the time and didn’t know any better than to write a couple characters with incest implications. I’ve been informed that the author has been evolving as a writer, so I should know full well that what he wrote since those past ten years do not reflect the kind of writer he is now.
Rick: Resurrected with Wrath. Second in-command. Angry most of the time, as he rivaled with Mason ever since. Nothing else is known about him.
“Nothing else is known about him.” That’s the sentence that speaks to me, “I’m too lazy to say anything more about this character.”
Vivian: Resurrected with Sloth. Goes on adventures with the other six, but most of the time, she's really lazy to do so.
“And I’m too lazy to say anything more about this character,” the author may add.
Mason: Resurrected with Envy. Sometimes he's jealous, and has rivaled with Rick ever since, but he wants to be part of the in-crowd.
Gee, I thought this was a spin-off about a group of kids trying to find their adoptive father in a dystopian undersea world, not a spin-off about a group of kids dealing with school and trying to climb the social ladder.
Jonah: Resurrected with Greed. She wants like everything,
Like, that’s totes literally the whole world, in case you weren’t like feeling lowkey woke on how much of a queen this girl is.
and can be bratty at times, and no matter what, the others force her calm side.
“The others force her calm side”…? What’s that supposed to mean?
Theodore: Resurrected with Gluttoney.
Who is this “Gluttoney” you speak of?
Complains and talks about food, and sometimes hallucinates his sibs as a meal.
In other words, Theodore is implied to be into vore.
Jason: Resurrected with Pride. He has traits unknown to his own self;
Funny enough, his traits are also unknown to the author, which is why he didn’t write them.
Otherwise, he is respectful to the other six.
Okay, cool, but where does the characteristics of Pride come in for Jason, since he is the embodiment of that sin? No, nothing? We’re not even going to get descriptions telling us about the other important characters in this spin-off like DoodleBob, Gakuto, the other main villain, or even Mayor SpongeBob? Yeah, who cares about them, am I right? These seven characters are everything that you need to know about this spin-off. At the very least, some fellow members are on-board with how the story looks so far. This guy sure thinks so:
On 7/30/10 at 11:38 PM, Georgex Zimmerzuna said:
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
I don't approve... Of this being one season. I DEMAND TWO! PLEASE!
This idea is just so unique, and I LOVE ideas focusing on the 7 Deadly Sins!
I hope this turns out to be AWESOME, because it seems liek it will be!
And this guy:
On 7/31/10 at 8:25 AM, Ron said:
I have a feeling this will be your best spin off ever and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT to read it.
And this guy:
On 7/31/10 at 8:27 AM, Wumbo said:
Sounds like an awesome spin-off. I'll be tuning in.
And this guy:
On 7/31/10 at 8:27 AM, 70s said:
This will be your best work. Ever.
Apologies to all those that I have retroactively let down after riffing this spin-off. I won’t lie. The concept for this spin-off feels like it could be set up for a good story. It’s the writing in the story itself that matters most. So let’s not waste any more time, let’s dive right into the real meat of Guru Gakuto and have a look at the first episode.
1. Who is That Man?(festival episode)
That Man doesn't seem like someone familiar to me either. It's interesting to see the author add that this was part of a spin-off festival in the distant past.
Not too long ago, there was once a legend;
Now wait a minute, isn’t something considered a legend when it dates back to hundreds or thousands of years? It feels pretty contradictory to consider someone or something a legend and flashback to events that happened “not too long ago.”
a guru in mortal combat.
While I’m still at it, I should acknowledge that this is also contradicted later on in the story. Remember this for when I get to the final episode.
Everybody needed him.
The world needed him. Sandy needed him. Even Squidward needed him!
They called him...Gakuto.
How clever of the author to pause to establish the mysterious nature of this character, assuming that we don’t know this man already through the title of this spin-off.
Then a storm arrived.
At five sentences, I’m already seeing a problem with the story’s pacing. At least explain where this storm is taking place.
He kept hiding from the underwater world, the human world, he saw in crisis,
So, we’re not going to know about any other worlds that Gakuto has been hiding from? We’re going to skip right to another topic?
only seven kids, and their parents…in their journey to heaven. He altered the forms of the kids to keep.
Why not salvage the parents? What did those seven kids do to deserve being spared and pulled away from the afterlife? Why am I asking myself all these questions when I should know them since the author and I are am one?
He then found a place to resurrect. Due to a rush, he wasn’t in the right place.
I’d feel the same too when the spin-off is in such a rush to tell us the story about how Gakuto resurrected the seven main characters.
Before that, he found crystals in various labyrinths,
And he started cooking up some really fine meth.
carved them into pebbles, and bought an ancient resurrection tablet.
He bought it for just the low price of $19.95! (AND the tiger poster, as a gift!)
He finally arrived, and with those words, engraved in the tablet…
Excuse me, finally? In the context that it felt like a long journey for Gakuto to find a way to resurrect these souls, it makes sense, but I’m still on the first paragraph, and I sure didn’t anticipate for the part where Gakuto arrives at the resurrection spot.
“Sierra, give me Lust,” Gakuto slightly chanted.
That sounds pretty uncomfortable if you take it out the context.
He put in the next child in which they call the “Sin Circle.” “Rick, give me Wrath,” he continued, and as he put him in the circle. “Vivian, give me Sloth,” and Gakuto did the same. “Mason, give me Envy! Jonah, give me Greed! Theodore, give me Gluttony!
Ravioli, ravioli, help me bring back to life this childoli.
And to finish this, Jason: Neptune gifts you Pride!”
Huh, I guess Gakuto didn’t love the other six enough to give them Neptune’s blessing.
The circle was complete, with the pebbles of life attached. A bright light shined. They were alive!
They were alive! They were alive, with an exclamation point to tell you how much of a big deal that was, in case you didn’t know!
That was another story.
Yep, I guess we’re just going to sweep the rest of that backstory under the mat and move on to the main timeframe of this story.
Gakuto’s actions, responsibilities, courage, they all lead to the needs of many Bikini Bottomites. Eventually, they found and suffered great danger. Let’s go to the year of 2022, as we now enter Mayor Spongebob.
We enter Mayor SpongeBob…and? Don’t just make me assume that we’re literally entering inside him. Don’t make me have to think about that either.
Spongebob was in his limo was took a step on the yellow carpet.
Even back then, the author was prone to flying past some mistakes he could’ve proofread, like this one.
Spongebob was now 36. We also see his assistant Sandy Cheeks, and body-guard Patrick Star.
And I guess we’re not going to know anything else about the other two. For some reason, it was vital for the author to remind us that SpongeBob is 36 years old now in this story.
There was also flash photography everywhere.
Everywhere, you say? All those folks surrounding the outside of SpongeBob’s mayoral office must be making the view brighter than a rave party. Something important must be going on to warrant a scene where SpongeBob is shown with cameras all around him.
“Oh my goodness, it’s Mayor Spongebob!” Fish #1 in the crowd uttered.
I wouldn’t want to know what this guy’s Mayor SpongeBob Stan Twitter account looks like.
“Don’t worry folks, the mayor is doing his job,” said Spongebob. He then closed the door to his hall and was now writing a treaty.
Looks like it my hunch was right, only a few paragraphs into this time period, and we already see SpongeBob ending some kind of war with another undersea province.
“Mr. Squarepants sir, these are some old collectables,” one of the body-guards said.
The author also didn’t seem to have the decency to capitalize the ‘p’ in ‘SquarePants.’ Also, I believe you meant to spell ‘collectibles.’
”Just set them there, I’ll un-pack in a few hours,” Spongebob replied. With that, they left Spongebob alone.
Now we see an old, evil, and bad looking doodle,
You mean bad as in lousy, or bad as in evil, which was what you had already previously described of this doodle?
which was known to be DoodleBob, assistant Sandy Cheeks was having a chat with Spongebob about benefits of her new magic cauldron, she left it there, and a book dropped on the floor.
The magic cauldron did it.
Spongebob put it back in the shelf where the old collectables were. A little bit of wind slipped the evil further to the magic cauldron, and BOOM! Spongebob didn’t noticed.
I didn’t ‘noticed’ either.
As DoodleBob returned to life, he fled the courtroom,
This is telling me that Mayor SpongeBob’s office is actually inside a courthouse, along with the thought that all the stuff lying around is because SpongeBob has a real office waiting for him and he’s not done with moving. It would make sense to sign a peace treaty there though.
working on a deviously evil plan.
“After 10,000 years, I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earth!”
A few days later, there was a cloud of ink,
So Mayor SpongeBob just didn’t try to stop DoodleBob from escaping and getting started with his evil plan? Well, this is nothing to worry about, folks. The mayor is just doing his job, like he said.
and Spongebob couldn’t believe his eyes.
*Resists urge to make an Owl City reference*
With that, he called a town meeting.
“Ladies, gentleman: there’s something fishy going on here!” Spongebob announced.
”Well, what is it?” Fish #2 said.
Mayor SpongeBob: “That’s a good question, Fish #2.”
“I think its bad enough for Squidward to do “that,” but this one’s serious,” Spongebob continued.
I’d honestly like to know all about Squidwardgate more than I’d want to know what happened after your assistant’s magic cauldron freed DoodleBob.
“Spongebob, there has been a major situation with my cauldron,” Sandy said to him. She then showed surveillance footage of DoodleBob leaving the courtyard.
Oh yeah, that’s right, as I should already tell from that last “SpongeBob didn’t noticed” sentence, even she didn’t hear the all-caps boom with an exclamation point. So much for this magic cauldron we know very little about having benefits for the good in life, huh?
“DoodleBob…how…is that even possible?” Spongebob thought.
“It was the cauldron, genius!” Squidward said from the crowd.
Thanks for answering the question that I would’ve answered myself.
“Aw man, my evil drawing has been cleverer than I thought…” said Spongebob.
I’m pretty sure you and Sandy have played yourselves into this situation.
”You think? It didn’t happen deliberately,” said Sandy.
”There’s got to be someone strong enough to take him down!” Spongebob thought.
“Maybe there is,” said Mr. Krabs, as he appeared on a wheelchair.
Ah yes, the classic “so old now they have to use a wheelchair” character cliché.
“Gakuto, Spongebob. Try and find that legend,” he suggested.
”Count on me Eugene, I’ll try and get contact with him,” Spongebob replied. He then appeared in his office, at nighttime. “Operator, I need to reach…Gakuto.”
When literally the whole ocean needs Gakuto, it makes sense that he would have to make his dues by opening up a hotline of his own. For someone who is hard to find once as he vanishes in a puff of smoke, he’s easy to get contact of.
The next day arrived, and this time, at Gakuto’s scene.
Gakuto: This time is MY time.
“The world needs me…they need me too much,” Gakuto thought as he saw many Bikini Bottomites in far distance, chanting for him to save the ocean. He then turned to his seven kids. “So I wouldn’t get harmed, you seven are all in-charge.”
How bold of him to announce that he’s going incognito from society…to the public around him. Unless those fish in the far distance don’t have super hearing, Gakuto would have to be lucky if more problems haven’t arisen because of him announcing his departure in-person with people there to watch.
“What’s that suppose to mean? You were always here for us,” said Jonah.
Gakuto: I cannot handle the life of a celebrity, and therefore I must leave you all behind on your own.
“Indeed, you all continue your lives without me, I’m fleeing the perimeter,” Gakuto continued.
If there’s something I should already be made aware of the author’s old writing style, it’s his tendency to sugarcoat dialogue that would only end up not sounding like something anyone would normally say. For sure, this isn’t the only rare sentence I’ll be seeing from this spin-off.
“Does that mean you’ll come back?” Sierra asked.
He’s going someplace where most dads disappear to. I wouldn’t count on it that he’ll be back as soon as you’d think.
“I’m afraid to say that I would never come back until there are no more concerns, that I have to fix,” Gakuto replied. “Take care of yourselves; I know you’ll all be alright.” Gakuto then ran south from Bikini Bottom’s city limits.
”I can’t believe it, whose idea was it to spread words like that?” Jason thought.
This guy knows what he’s doing more-so than the so-called legend himself.
“We’re moving forward, we need to investigate Bikini Bottom.”
”Well, I don’t want to go; I heard it’s a horrible city,” said Jonah. All seven eventually arrived at Bikini Bottom and saw Spongebob.
You can’t always have what you wish for.
“Something tells me you all know Gakuto,” Spongebob said as he saw the pebbles of life.
Either they gave away so much to you or you assume it right away that a group of people have to do with Gakuto whenever you see seven kids with pebbles tied around their necks.
“What are you talking about? You saying you caused all this?” Rick asked.
“Eugene convinced me to do so,” Spongebob replied.
“Well that’s a relief, because now, I WANNA LITERALLY SLIT HIS-“said Rick;
Now take it easy there, Nostalgia Critic.
Sierra halted them. “Explain more.”
By ‘them,’ you mean just Rick unless the other fellows weren’t holding themselves back too.
“Are you all friends with Gakuto?” Spongebob asked.
“He’s the reason why we feel like family, but not anymore,” Jonah answered.
Man, Gakuto disappearing from his adopted kids took quite a toll on them. Some father figure he is.
“Pretty convenient to see the relatives of Gakuto right here if I needed one, your mission is to find Gakuto to stop this madness,” said Spongebob.
How exactly is that convenient for you, besides being able to tell them to carry out the mission you’re assigning them?
“What madness, talking about the foggy clouds in the distance?” Vivian said referring to the ink clouds DoodleBob caused.
“Introduce yourselves and let it rip,” Spongebob replied.
Okay…but I’m not used to saying this at all…hi I’m Chemist Bob, and my favorite kind of gas is the kind that combines carbon dioxide, hydrogen, and methane! I can show you that right now.
“I’m Rick, someone who can easily tear someone from limb to limb,” said Rick. “This loser here is Mason.” Rick then showed Spongebob the next guy.
Rick must’ve been getting his cues from all those bad SBC Lit portrayals of ExKizuna. Then again, wrath is defined as extreme anger.
“So, I hear you’re the mayor, pretty damn lucky,” Mason commented.
Sure, thanks, carry on,” said Spongebob.
Mayor SpongeBob: Oh, you want to be a mayor like me? Well I don’t give a flapdoodle. Who are the other kids?
“So much food…” said another kid known as Theodore.
“Hmm, this food-loving dude is Theodore,” said Sierra.
“I’m better referred to as Theo Mazing Cheese. So, where’s the food?” He asked.
Please tell me this is the only bad pun that this spin-off has for me to deal with.
“Theo, this is mayor Spongebob, and for god’s sake, you’ve eaten breakfast an hour ago,” said Jonah.
“That’s what you always say, so nice to meet you-“Theodore then looked at Spongebob. “Aha! A snack, I’m a lucky man!” Theo then started chasing Spongebob.
Vore humor, that’s more “comedy gold” right there.
“Wait, I’m not a snack, I’m a human being!” Spongebob exclaimed,
That is a filthy lie. He’s not a human being either. I know you were fifteen at the time, author, but how can you make such a simple mistake as that?
“The rest of you hurry up before he eats me.”
Or…you know, you could tell the other six to get Theo to control himself.
“Hey there, my name’s Jonah, because I want them too.
Once again, what kind of sentence is that?
NOW WHERE’S THE MONEY?!” She exclaimed.
“I don’t know how this works out, but Eugene’s got the money, okay?” Spongebob replied. “So far, things are already getting out of hand,” he thought to himself.
What is this conversation even about anymore? Isn’t this just supposed be Gakuto’s seven adopted and resurrected kids introducing themselves to the mayor?
“Come back here, snack!” Theo exclaimed.
“I’m Jason, in fact, I can do anything, I’m a reasonable guy,” Jason introduced.
Jason: And even though I was reborn with the sin of Pride, I am also really bland.
“Hello Jason, finally there’s at least someone who doesn’t have problems,” Spongebob replied.
“You sir look like an alright guy Spongebob, I’m Sierra,” she introduced.
I could’ve asked this question beforehand, but this is the point where I should do so. What kind of early teens child talks like this, let alone say to someone “You sir look like an alright guy.”?
“Hello there Sierra, I can get used to these two,” Spongebob thought. “Who’s the last gal?” He then referred to Vivian.
”Come on Vivian, your cue’s up,” said Sierra.
Don’t mind her, she’s just on her lunch break, which is what I should be on right about now.
“Okay fine, my name’s Vivian, thank you and good-bye,” she introduced carelessly, and continued loafing.
Top quality character introduction.
“Now, this is how things will go, Sierra will lead, while the rest of you try to control yourselves, except Jason,” said Spongebob. “And it will all start as long as Theo stays away from me,” he added.
Sierra held onto Theo, and told him, “uptight, everything’s alright Theo, there will be food.”
That sentence is foreshadowing to one episode with a similar title, but I don’t know why we needed that Stevie Wonder reference. Perhaps Sierra is a fan.
Spongebob then wished them good luck and the scene now looks blurry like an ending flashback, it fades into the seven pre-teens being shown in the forest.
That transition ran off too fast that it beat Sonic the Hedgehog to Green Hill Zone.
“I’m not sure if finding a legend can really pay off,” Mason thought.
“I doubt he’ll ever pay us,” said Vivian.
Nope, we’re still at it with the puns, but at least I was able to handle this one better than “Theo Mazing Cheese.”
“Right now, we’re in the Kelp Forest, you all sure he’s here?” Sierra said.
Because I know there are nineteen more episodes of this spin-off, I already doubt that.
“I regret nothing, we would be damned for like forever if we don’t find him,” Rick replied.
“No frets, my instincts tell me Gakuto can be anywhere, and this is the turning point,” said Jason.
If this is what you call the turning point, then I say you’re still far behind.
“Whatever, and hey look, a journal…” said Sierra, the seven kids found a journal in a coral stump and went close to it.
That’s one way to hook the readers for the next episode.
Thus, this was the beginning. The search for someone they cared about. Someone who cared for them dearly,
I have my doubts about that last part.
and indeed this man was...Gakuto.
Again, do we need that pause? Is this character that important to warrant one? Of course, that is what the author wants me to think.
To be continued...
That was episode one. That wasn’t so bad, but still it’s got its fair share of writing problems. We got two seasons to get through, with the last one being shorter, while there’s nineteen more episodes altogether to go through.
To wrap up this installment of CBC3, here's a little segment I'd like to call...
RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE:
FISH #1 AND FISH #2: What we know about them so far: They are born with these names. The first one would die for Mayor SpongeBob. The second one likes asking questions. Information I could add about them: One of their favorite pastimes is waiting outside Mayor SpongeBob's office until he seems them. Fish #1 has one too many pieces of Mayor SpongeBob memorabilia in his own room. Fish #2 was voted most likely to suck eggs in High School. Will we be seeing them again?: Doubtful