Used Napkin: Adventures of a Food Wiper

[So Sejima]

I'm taking over the part where Used Napkin is too horrified to speak about a memory

[CDCB]

Episode 7 - A Peace of Me

 

Please excuse the hideous pun that makes up the title of this installment. The factory didn't give me a sense of humor.

 

Now then, the overabundance of napkins surrounding me proved too overwhelming, so instead of attempting to improve my diminishing social status with these new guys I decided to play it cool and keep quiet.

 

No sooner did I make that decision then I felt another earthquake. This one, however, was much more prolonged than the last one.

 

"We're all gonna die, dudes!" said Napkin 3,973.

 

"Keep calm, my brethren," the philosophical Napkin 7,777 preached. "We shan't allow a disturbance such as this plague whatever remains of our lives. We must remain calm. We must--"

 

"Dude, shut up!" shouted Napkin 9,841.

 

"Harsh words create more trouble than good, my crass companion," Napkin 7,777 continued. "Let us not continue to fight. Instead, let us bring joy to our lives! Let us bring peace! Let us bring understanding! Let us... break into song!"

 

"Please don't..." I finally spoke.

 

"No, I must! It is my duty! It is my responsibility, dearest napkin of social awkwardness!"

 

And so he did:

 

[MMM]

 

Used Napkin: I am debating whether or not I should accept your apology.

Have you decided?

[So Sejima]

I am sorry for you.

[CDCB]

Have you decided?

 

Used Napkin: Kindly don't rush me. I just had to endure an Elvis Presley song and I am still recovering. Thank you.

[MMM]

OK, Sorry.

[CDCB]

OK, Sorry.

 

Used Napkin: Nice going. Now I have two apologies to contemplate.

[CDCB]

Episode 8 - Filler #2

 

The time has come again for me to deny you an advancement in my story, instead providing you with something completely unrelated to me or the other 9,999 napkins you last saw me with.

 

This time, I present to you a tale from the public domain. Regretfully it has been tampered with, but nevertheless you should find some enjoyment in viewing it.

 

[CDCB]

Episode 9 - Getting Oriented

 

Apology from Used Napkin: The following installment is much longer than the rest of my installments so far due to the conversational engagments I have detailed in it. Kindly exercise the maturity that I am certain you all posess and please refrain from criticizing the length. Thank you.

 

After the 8th performance of "Give Peace a Chance" in a row, I decided to put my foot--err, fold down and put an end to Napkin 7,777's preachiness.

 

"Shut up, man..." I groaned.

 

"But dear brother," continued Napkin 7,777, "cruel words get us--"

 

"I DON'T CARE!" I shouted. "I just want peace and qui--"

 

"So you are giving peace a chance?"

 

"...go away."

 

"Techinically I cannot remove myself from this package and 'go away' as you have suggested."

 

I didn't even bother with that comment. Somehow that got through to his head and he stopped his childish behavior. 

 

With this new silence, I took the opportunity to figure out what was happening to us and the other 9,998 napkins. Despite a brief pause during Napkin 7,777's 3rd performance of his annoying song, the earthquake hadn't officially ended. I needed to determine the source of these earthquakes in case there was something that I could do to stop them. I couldn't see anything around me except 9,999 stationary napkins. Very helpful. My only other option was to ask around and see if anybody else had seen anything.

 

"Psst, Napkin 51!" I whispered.

 

"What do you want? I'm trying to sleep."

 

"Do you see anything suspicious, perhaps a source of this earthquake?"

 

"No..." he answered.

 

"Can you ask the guy above you?" I asked.

 

"Well, I've got nothing better to do. Hey, Napkin 52...!"

 

I soon regreted putting this plan into action because for the next several hours I had to put up with the constant yelling of, "Hey Napkin 94!" or "Hey Napkin 673!" It seemed like it would never end until finally I felt a nudge.

 

"Napkin 50! Wake up, man!" said Napkin 51.

 

"Please pass the petunias..." I mumbled.

 

"Snap out of it, man! We're being shipped off to some place called the Barg N Mart!"

[CDCB]

Episode 10 - To Greener Pastures

 

Well, I asked for it and I got exactly what I asked for. I wasn't nearly as satisfied with my answer as I had hoped. Napkin 51 had no idea what the Barg N Mart was supposed to be and he wasn't going to ask around again. All I could do was wait...

 

The next few days were intensely aggrivating. Napkin 7,777 had been suffering from philosophy deprviation since the last installment, so he was letting out all the philosophical mumbo jumbo that he could think of.

 

"Give it a rest, Preachy McPreachy Pants!" said Napkin 2,539.

 

"Brother of mine, each life of ours is a melon that must be sheltered and seasoned with ranch dressing," ranted Napkin 7,777.

 

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

 

"What is sense, but a mere description of..."

 

That's essentially what I had to listen to every day. By now I had given up on trying to shut Napkin 7,777 up so my only involvement now was listening to everybody else attempt what I had failed to do. Of course, they'd eventually realize that he couldn't be stopped. He was living in a world of his own. Perhaps he had overdosed on Bob Dylan, or maybe he was just stupid.

 

Whatever it may have been, I tried my best to ignore it. The more I thought about it, the more promising this Barg N Mart thing sounded. I didn't know what it was or what was going, but something about the name told me that things were going to look up for me. Perhaps I'd finally be away from that freak, away from all the other napkins that I'd spent the last five days with. Free to explore the world beyond the box we were being shipped in.

 

Only a short time before I left this world of friendlessness and entered a brand new world of popularity. 

 

I could see it now... Napkin 50, social king!

 

I would be such a social success that I wouldn't dream of facing any more of this rejection. Everybody would look up to me and say, "Hey guys! That's the Napkin 50!" 

 

I wouldn't have to stoop to the low level of my box-mates and use their limited vocabulary. I would at last have the freedom to have an intellectual conversation with someone!

 

It would be everything I ever hoped for. It would all pay off when I finally reached my destination.

 

Finally, the earthquake stopped...

[CDCB]

Episode 11 - Home Is Where the Mart Is

 

Surrounding me from every corner, I heard the chatter of "Whoa, we're here!" and "What's going to happen to us?!" and "Whatever may come our way, brothers..." I knew then that we had reached the Barg N Mart.

 

Suddenly, a large pair of hands grabbed me and the other 99 napkins I was packaged with.

 

"It's a cyclops!" screamed Napkin 38.

 

"It's a store employee, you moron," I snarled.

 

"The Barg N Mart employed a cyclops?"

 

"Why do I even..."

 

As we were carried around, I caught glimpses of various food products and other useless junk. Evidently, this was a supermarket with an overly punny name. That aside, I still had a positive mindset about where I was headed.

 

Then I heard voices.

 

"Ah, the new shipment of napkins came, Frank?"

 

"Yeah, just came a minute ago. What should I do with 'em?"

 

"You can just place them on that shelf over there."

 

"Right, boss!"

 

Without warning, I was wedged between boxes of Kelpo and Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Bran Cereal.

[CDCB]

Episode 12 - Filler #3

 

I am intensely furious. I despise you all. You aren't even worthy of a regular filler. Take this jar of mayonnaise instead. Jerks.

 

[CDCB]

Episode 13 - Shelf Life

 

As if the 99 napkins I was stuck with weren't enough already, I now had equally obnoxious cereal boxes to deal with.

 

"Yo, Bran!"

 

"Sup, Kelpo?"

 

"I'm getting tired of these napkins," whined Kelpo.

 

"Dude, we didn't even do anything to you," I protested.

 

"Like, then why are you, like, totally in between us? Hmmm?" asked Bran.

 

"Oh yeah, like I had a choice."

 

I was starting to become highly exasperated with these cereal boxes. No matter how much I tried to explain it to them, their insignificant brains insisted that I was the one responsible for coming between them.

 

"We don't like you, punk, so just back off..." Kelpo dopily attempted to threaten me. 

 

"Yeah!" said Bran. "This is like our hub."

 

"Whatever."

 

There was absolutely no point in arguing with them. I now noticed that the other 99 napkins were entirely silent throughout this argument. Perhaps this was the best thing for me to do--to remain quiet as I had before. I could tell right away that these cereal boxes were not going to like me anymore than any of the napkins I had tried to sociallize with. There was no point in having that happen all over again.

 

At this point the Barg N Mart had closed and I was suffering from extreme boredom, so to ease the boredom I did the only thing that a napkin like myself can do in situations such as this... I eavesdropped.

 

"Yo Bran!" shouted Kelpo, no dobut startling and waking up several other food products in the store.

 

"What...?" Bran groaned. The shouting had bothered him too.

 

"I'm going to sleep now!" Kelpo gleefully declared. "What are you doing?"

 

"I am preparing for tomorrow," Bran told him.

 

"What are you doing tomorrow, Bran?"

 

"The same think I do every day... try to get sold!"

 

 

They're Kelpy

They're Kelpy and the Bran

Bran, Bran, Bran, Bran

Bran, Bran, Bran, Bran!

~~~~~~

 

 

I know exactly what you are thinking. You are thinking that not only was this a pitiful season finale, but it also failed to resolve any of my issues, instead creating more. You're wondering, "How could Used Napkin let such a horrible thing happen without finishing his story?!"

 

Fear not, for my story isn't nearly complete. As a matter of fact, it has only just begun. It is for this reason that I assure you that in the possible event that you were hoping for a second season, your mind was in the right place.

 

It is with highest honor that I announce to you...

 

Used Napkin: Adventures of a Food Wiper (Season 2)

 

Where will I be headed now that I am in the Barg N Mart? Will Bran ever get sold? Will Warner Bros. be the first company to sue a napkin for cheaply plagiarising one of their songs?

 

Find out, in 

Used Napkin: Adventures of a Food Wiper (Season 2)... coming soon!

[Moar Boy]

Feed me with this quality literature!

[So Sejima]

Chocolate: *waves at viewers* good night everybody!

[CDCB]

Episode 14 - The Worst Season Premiere Ever

Salutations, fools who have decided to follow my thrilling adventures! It is I, Used Napkin, returning for an equally entertaining Season 2. In the previous installment of my story, my package mates and I were mercilessly wedged between two obnoxious boxes of cereal who proceeded to sing a gratuitous knock-off of the theme song to some show. What adventures await me this time? You will eagerly anticipate them or suffer dire consequences.

~~~~

Day after day after day after day I was forced to listen to the endless babble of the idiotic cereal boxes I ended up with. Napkins 1-49 and 51-100 had ceased their conversations completely leaving only myself to shut them up.

"Dude, please stop..." I would ask them.

"Like, totally shut up, man! You know nothing about err... uh, cereal!" Kelpo would answer.

"Uh huh! Yeah!" Bran Flakes would agree.

I would then proceed to join the other 99 napkins in their silence.

That is essentially how approximately the first week went. Nobody ever stopped to purchase me and get me away from those two idiots. It was all pure boredom for me.

Then came the 8th day...

[So Sejima]

TELL ME THE STORY

[CDCB]

Episode 15 - Filler #4

 

I'm sure that I would be correct in assuming that you were expecting an advancement in my story, weren't you? Surely you expected Episode 17 to be the next filler, did you not? I laugh at you, fools.

 

Yes, I have shamelessly moved this season's first filler to Episode 15! It's fun to be tricky, isn't it? Enjoy this unrelated randomness!

 

 

 

"The Terminable Phineas and Ferb"

Written by Mandy Sosux

Directed by Can Sollit

Hated by Everybody with a sensible mind

 

 

(Phineas and Ferb are sitting in their favorite spot under the tree thinking about what they're going to do today. Perry is... well, doing that weird bitey thing with his mouth.)

Phineas: Ah, another day of summer vacation! The perfect day to do something outlandish and give our sister false hopes of finally busting us! Life is good, Ferb. Life is good.

(Isabella comes out of nowhere)

Isabella: Hey, boys! Watcha dooooin?

Phineas: Oh, hey Isabella! We were just thinking about how we were going to cruelly manipulate Candance today. What about you?

Isabella: I just got back from a girl scout meeting. We were talking about cookies.

Phineas: Cookies?

Ferb: I toss mine a lot.

Isabella: Girl scout cookies. Nobody buys them anymore. They're just too boring.

Phineas: That it! Ferb, I know what we're going to do today. (whispers to Isabella and Ferb inaudibly)

Isabella: Oh Phineas! That's a great idea!

Phineas: Thanks Isabella! Hey! Where's Perry?

 

 

(Perry sneaks away as always and enters the secret base... as always. Major Monogram is dressed in drag. Upon seeing this, Perry shields his eyes.)

Major Monogram: Good morning, Agent P--oh! Uh, I can explain, the uh... look away now. (Perry immediately flips around the chair while MM changes his clothes) Now as I was saying, we've recently gained intel that Dr. Heinz Ketchup--uh, Doofinschmirtz has begun to develop an evil "Fart-inator" so... (finishes putting on manly clothes) get on it.

(Perry leaves)

 

Jingle: Doofinschmirtz Evil Incorporated!

(Perry arrives through some transportation tube and suddenly a farting sound is heard. Perry waves his hand around his beak in disgust, inadventertantly pulling a lever that traps him.)

Doof: (arrives) Ah, Perry the Platypus! What a pleasant surprise! You are just in time to witness my new Fart-inator! You see, I'm tired of this whole "whoever smelt it dealt it" thing, so I made this machine that will--

(Perry farts angrily)

Doof: Oh gross! Come on. Was that really necessary? They should call you Perry the Flatulence. Anywho, this machine will release a cloud of gaseous goodness, polluting the entire tristate area! Then everybody will spend the rest of their lives trying to figure out who delt it! HA HA! Isn't that brilliant of me, Perry the Platypus?

Perry: (shakes his head disapprovingly)

Doof: Aww, what do you know? You're just a stupid platypus. You don't know anything about being evil.

Perry: (swaps his fedora with an evil hat and suddenly looks evil)

Doof: Oooookay, maybe I was wrong. BUT! You will not live to tell about it, Perry the Platypus! For I will release a small fart cloud just for you, with the touch of the button on this remote control! Or my name isn't Dr. Heinz Ketchup... I mean Doofinschmirtz. I can never get that right... Where was I? Oh right. ZAP!

(Doofinschmirtz tries to create a fart cloud around Perry, but nothing happens with the remote)

Doof: What the? It worked perfectly fine just a few minutes ago! Stupid remote control!

 

 

(Meanwhile, Candace is on the phone in her room.)

Candace: Bye Jeremy! (hangs up) Oh Jeremy...

(The doorbell rings)

Candace: Hmm. I wonder who that could be? (She walks over to answer it. Her guest is none other than...)

CDCB: Hello.

Candace: Umm... hi? Do I know you?

CDCB: I don't think so. I'm CDCB and I'm here to help you bust your brothers.

Candace: That's great, but--wait, how did you know I had brothers?

CDCB: Don't kid me, lady. I watch the show.

Candace: What "show" are you talking about?

CDCB: Uh, never mind that. All you gotta do is come with me and you'll finally bust the boys. Deal?

Candace: Whoa, whoa, whoa! If you think I'm just going to listen to a random stranger who I just met, then you are... absolutely correct! Let's go!

 

(The backyard--Phineas and Ferb have a "Build-a-Cookie" machine set up. CDCB and Candace peek from around the corner of the house.)

Phineas: Welcome one and all to the Build-a-Cookie Emporium! Make your own cookie however you like! We got it all, folks! You there! Would you like to build your own cookie?

Buford: Why would I want to do that?

Isabella: Because they're delicious!

Ferb: (eats one and gives it a thumbs up)

Phineas: So what do you say?

Buford: I guess I got nothing to lose.

Phineas: Thank you for your patronage, sir! You will not be disappointed.

Buford: So... how do I build my cookie?

Phineas: First you ask the computer for a flavor. Then the rest pretty much takes care of itself.

Buford: Hmm, I'll have a... raspberry flavored cookie!

Computer: Selection: Raspberry Flavor!

Buford: Cool! Can I have some toppings?

Computer: Please select your toppings.

Buford: Uh, let's see... I'll have chocolate, sprinkles, oh and gummy bears, and polka dot candy, and...(etc.)

 

(CDCB and Candance sneak off to where nobody can hear them.)

Candace: Ohhh... they've got a new cookie business! I'm telling Mo--

CDCB: Shh, Candace! They'll hear you.

Candace: Oh, right.

CDCB: So here's a piece of vital information, Candace. All this time, the proof of your brothers' crazy schemes... it's all been destroyed by an evil scientist named Dr. Doofinschmirtz and your brothers' pet playpus, Perry.

Candace: Perry? HA! Get real.

CDCB: Yes, Perry. He's a secret agent... that's why he always disappears when you guys least expect it.

Candace: Weird.

CDCB: So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to follow Perry secretly to Dr. Doofinschmirtz's hideout and make sure the cookie machine is not destroyed. 

Candace: What do I do?

CDCB: You stay here and wait.

Candace: Seriously?

CDCB: Just do it.

Candace: Fine...

 

 

(Meanwhile Dr. Heinz Ketchup... I mean, Doofinschmirtz is still struggling with his Fart-inator remote.)

Doof: Come on, you stupid button! I keep pushing you, but you're not working! (notices the button is switched to "Off") Well, that would explain things. (fixes that) Now then. Where was I? Seriously, I completely forgot. Was I making a cup of coffee? No... that's not right...

(CDCB quietly sneaks up behind the cage where Perry is being held.)

CDCB: (whispering) Psst! Perry!

Perry: (awkwardly looks at this guy who he's never seen before, not knowing how he got there or how he knows his name)

CDCB: Never mind who I am. Look, whatever you do, don't let Phineas and Ferb's cookie machine get destroyed!

Perry: (give CDCB a "really?" look)

CDCB: Yes, really! Just... just do what I say!

Perry: (refuses to listen)

CDCB: Alright Perry, if you don't think I'm credible enough, fine then. I'll just have to prove myself.

Doof: No... maybe I was trying to sell girl scout cookies to a foreign exchange student from Planet X. No... that doesn't make any sense...

CDCB: Hey, Dr. Doofinschmirtz!

Doof: Perry the Platypus can talk?! (turns around and sees CDCB) Oh, it's just a security breach. (double take) ...security breach?! How did you get in here?!

CDCB: You left the back door open.

Doof: I knew I shouldn't have installed a Back Door-inator.

CDCB: Back Door-inator? Really?

Doof: Hey, I'm an evil genius. I don't have to be creative.

CDCB: Right... well, I'll just be taking your Fart-inator then. (snatches it)

Doof: Hey! Give that back! Ohhh, wait! I remember now! I was going to zap Perry the Platypus with my fart-inator!

CDCB: You mean like this? (zaps Dr. Doofinschmirtz with the fart-inator, making a farting sound and creating a fart cloud over him) Eeesh, man! What have you been eating?

Doof: Well, this is an ironic twist. Ohhhh! Man, that smells horrible! Get it away! (tries waving the fart cloud away, but only makes it worse) Gaaah! Why did I program it to do that?!

CDCB: (unlocks Perry from his cage) Now do you believe me?

(Perry gives CDCB an approving handshake)

CDCB: Thanks Perry. So, um... how do we get out of here?

Perry: (opens up a jetpack from his back and motions for CDCB to grab his hand)

CDCB: Are you sure this is (starts flying away) saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe?

Doof: Hey! Where are you going?! Don't leave me, Perry the Platypus and... whoever you are! I'm suffering here!

(CDCB and Perry crash through the wall of the building as they leave)

Female Singers: Peeeerrrrry and a random straaaaannnnger!

 

 

(Candace is still waiting in the backyard for CDCB)

Candace: Ugh! Where is CDCB? I've been waiting here forever!

CDCB: (flying in) I'm right here.

Candace: There you are! And uh... hi... Perry.

CDCB: Okay, Candace. Whenever you're ready... I'll order a cookie while you get your mom.

Candace: Wait, why are you getting a cookie?

CDCB: Hey, I gotta be seemless, right?

Candace: Riiiiight! I'll be back! (leaves to get her mom)

Perry: (unfolds a lawn chair, pulls out popcorn, and watches the action)

(CDCB walks up to the machine)

Phineas: Business is booming, Isabella! How are the profits looking, Ferb?

Ferb: (gives a thumbs up)

Phineas: Wonderful! (turns around and sees CDCB) Oh hey, a new customer! Would you like to order a cookie?

CDCB: No, I'd like to order a French Poodle.

Phineas: Oooh, nice sarcasm! Step up to the computer and tell it what you want.

CDCB: A girlfriend.

Computer: Would you like that with or without sprinkles?

CDCB: With!

Computer: Excellent choice. Processing your order...

(The machine starts bouncing around and making funky noises)

Phineas: Uh oh. It's not supposed to do that...

(Candace and her mom start to come in.)

Mom: Fine, Candace! I'll look, but only to prove to you that there aren't any-- (sees the spazzy machine) What the--?!

(The machine explodes and out pops the perfect girlfriend for CDCB...with sprinkles!

Girlfriend: (screams in delight at the sight of CDCB) A maaaaan! (gives CDCB a big hug)

CDCB: Mmm... sprinkly.

Mom: Phineas and Ferb! What is the meaning of this?!

Phineas: Mom!? We... we can explain!

Mom: There will be no spawning of new life in this household!

Phineas: But you see... it was a cookie machine that wasn't designed to--

Mom: No excuses Phineas. You and Ferb are hereby grounded for the rest of the summer!

Phineas: (sighs)

Ferb: Well, this puts a damper on our entertainment.

Mom: I want you boys to clean this mess up right now. Make sure the yard is spotless by the time I get back!

Phineas: Yes Mom...

Mom: I'll be taking that! (snatches CDCB's girlfriend)

CDCB: Awww...

Mom: (as she walks away) I'm sorry I didn't believe you all these times, honey. I should have known that I could trust you.

Candace: It's okay Mom. I... guess it was kind of an outlandish idea. Heh heh.

Mom: From now on I'll believe anything you tell me.

Candace: Thanks Mom.

Mom: I'll be doing laundry if you have anything else to report. (sees Perry in the lawn chair) Hey Perry.

Perry: (makes that weird sound with his teeth)

 

 

(CDCB and Candace are in Candace's room)

Candace: Thanks for helping me bust the boys, CDCB.

CDCB: Hey, no problem Candace. All in a day's work.

Candace: That was pretty creative with the whole "girlfriend" thing.

CDCB: Ha ha. Yeah thanks. Well... I'd better get going. Places to go, brothers to bust...

Candace: Oh, okay. Bye CDCB!

CDCB: (starts to leave but stops) Wait a second. I'm in a cartoon, so... (runs through Candace's wall, leaving a CDCB-shaped hole) See ya!

Mom: (enters, carrying a basket of laundry) Candace, I have some fresh clean clothes for-- (gasps and drops the laundry basket when she sees the hole in her wall) PHINEAS AND FERB!!!

 

 

The End

[So Sejima]

I laughed harder then I should have at the girlfriend thing.

[CDCB]

Episode 16 - The Visitor

 

I have kept you poor fools waiting long enough for the exciting reveal of the happenings of Day 8. The time has come for this incredible reveal...

 

It started out as a typical night with another conversation with the same boxes of cereal. The manager of the Barg 'N Mart was counting the change and making sure everything was in order when suddenly he heard the sound of glass smashing. He turned around and saw a person wearing a ski mask carrying a bag that he presumably intended to fill.

 

"Uh, would you mind using the door next time?" asked the manager. "I have to pay for those windows y'know."

 

"SHUT UP!" screamed the robber pulling out a gun. "Just give me the money and I won't have to do you in."

 

"Err, I'm afraid this is all counterfeit money," lied the manager, taking advantage of the robber's stupidity.

 

"AARRGH! Fine, fine," muttered the robber as he shoved the gun back into his pocket. "I'll just have to make a move on the merchandise."

 

While the robber browsed the shelves of the Barg 'N Mart looking for anything that appeared to be worth stealing, the manager shuffled around behind the counter looking for a phone so he could call the police. Kelpo and Bran Flakes were too scared to engage in an exchange of meaningless words.

 

Then I noticed the robber was approaching our isle. He came closer... closer... closer...

 

*thump*