Used Napkin: Adventures of a Food Wiper

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Episode 17 - Alone

 

Loneliness... you may think you've experienced it, but allow me to assure you that your experiences couldn't possibly compare to the horrors I was experiencing.

 

The other 99 napkins and I were dropped into a trash bag that reeked of Neptune knows what. The odor was so foul that I didn't even need a nose to have the unfortunate experience of smelling it. 

 

Darkness filled the trash bag. As the robber ran across Bikini Bottom, the constant movement had me bumping around from side to side.

 

Why wasn't I conversing with the other 99 napkins? Might I remind you that they were not speaking to me? If experiencing it wasn't bad enough, there was nobody to rant about it to. Oh sure, there was the robber, but why would he care?

 

All there was to do was to sit and get tossed around as some repulsive liquid splashed onto the package, without an ounce of hope left in me. Just sitting... waiting... letting it happen. Wherever I was headed, that's where I was going to be. I was the victim of all circumstances.

 

That, dear reader, is true loneliness.

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Episode 18 - Silver Linings

 

Just as I was beginning to consider that the trip in this bag would drag far beyond my life span, it ended in a rather brutal way. I felt the criminal drop us on the sandy sea floor. I could not see what exactly was happening outside of the bag, but I was able to hear various shouts of "Stop or I'll shoot!" and "Step into the car, son!" before I heard nothing at all. From that, I deduced that my only source of potential conversational relief had gone off to party with the inmates. Now I was truly abandoned.

 

I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life immobile, so I attempted to get the other 99 napkins to talk. If only they would talk once more, I knew we could come up with a plan to get moving again.

 

"Anybody there?"

 

Silence.

 

"Wake up, you idiots."

 

"Hey! Watch the insults, man..." whined Napkin 62.

 

"You don't need to be rude about it," politely reminded Napkin 84.

 

"Were you guys seriously asleep the whole time?" I inquired.

 

"Of course we were!" said Napkin 18. "Why, is that a problem?"

 

"Hey! How did we get in this bag?" asked Napkin 4.

 

"Well," I muttered, "maybe if you hadn't slept through the robbery, you would--"

 

"There was a robbery?!" exclaimed Napkin 31.

 

"Never mind..." I gave up.

 

"Yo, aren't we like, gonna start moving?" wondered Napkin 40.

 

"I wish we would," admitted Napkin 72.

 

Of course, we weren't moving. Nobody was moving. It seemed like we would never find our way out of the trash bag until...

 

"Oh dear," said a squeaky voice from outside the bag. "Someone seems to have carelessly left this trash bag lying around! Fear not, litterbug! For I will undo your wrongdoing!"

 

Suddenly we were moving again. Whoever the voice belonged to was carrying the bag and appeared to be merrily skipping on his way to the nearest trash can.

 

"I'm ready!"

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Episode 19 - Filler #5

 

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Episode 20 - Rippin' Out

 

The constant bobbing around in the trash bag made me and the other 99 napkins rather dizzy. Napkin 73 seemed particularly affected by it.

 

"There are pains in my ticker and I'm getting much sicker," he said.

 

"That's nice," said Napkin 72, not particularly interested in Napkin 73's mental spewings.

 

"Please stop rudely spurting! My nausea is hurting!"

 

"Kindly shut up," I semi-politely asked Napkin 73.

 

"Go wipe up some grease! My talking won't cease!" he counter-insulted.

 

I didn't see any reason to start an insult war, so I concluded that the best course of action was to shut up and watch my life's events continue to unfold, wherever they might be planning to carry me.

 

*RRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP*

 

No sooner did that thought pass through my papery mind than the trash bag snagged on a branch of coral and ripped open, causing the entire package of us to fall out.

 

"I'm falling and so I'm hurting, ya know!" screamed Napkin 73.

 

Actually, we landed surprisingly gently. So gently, in fact, that our captor (who I was seeing for the first time) hardly noticed the bump we made when we landed.

 

"Oh!" our captor exclaimed, turning around and revealing his face to be that of a buck toothed nerd guy. "Oh dear... I guess I dropped you guys, huh?"

 

The Buck Toothed Nerd Guy ran over to the coral where we'd fallen and seemed intent on picking us up...

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Episode 21 - Making Friends (Part 1)

"Hahahaha, I'll just pick you guys up and--"

"Don't touch us!" I shouted as the Buck Toothed Nerd Guy attempted to lift us from our resting place.

"Oh my gosh!" he gasped. "You're... a talking napkin!"

"Thank you for stating the obvious," I muttered.

Apparently talking napkins were some big phenomenon I wasn't aware of, because the Buck Toothed Nerd Guy simply stared at us until Napkin 73 broke the silence with his hideous rhyming.

"Please tell us your name, and we'll do the same!"

"Do... you all talk?" Buck Toothed Nerd Guy gasped, completely ignoring what Napkin 73 said.

"Pretty much, man," said Napkin 4. "Now about that name."

"Oh, right!" he awkwardly interjected before concluding "Name's SpongeBob SquarePants!"

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Episode 22 - Making Friends (Part 2)

"SpongeBob SquarePants?" I asked.

"You bet! But most folks here just call me SpongeBob, or barnacle head, or..."

"That's nice, kid," I interrupted. "Now what are you planning on doing with us?"

"...or shell for brains, or..."

"HEY!" I yelled rather loudly, startling the other 99 napkins. "What are you planning on doing with us?"

SpongeBob seemed a little taken aback, but he bounced right back into his annoyingly happy frame of mind.

"Well, I was planning on throwing a surprise birthday party for my best buddy, Patrick!"

"So?" I raised an eyebrow.

"So, I need a lot of napkins for the party!" SpongeBob excitedly declared. "'course, I have some back home, but you guys'll do great too! It's like I say--you can never have too many napkins!"

Without saying another word, SpongeBob picked us up and started merrily skipping away, completely abandoning the trash bag on the ground. Right away I started to worry about what was going to happen to us. SpongeBob was already pretty annoying, but he seemed like a nice guy. Wherever he was taking us couldn't be that bad, right?

He opened the door to his pineapple house which was covered in festive decorations and pictures of some pink guy who apparently was this Patrick friend of his. It seemed like things were finally starting to look up.

SpongeBob set us on a table in the kitchen next to other assorted party supplies.

"I'll just leave you guys here while I set up the rest of the party," he said. With that, he skipped off singing an annoying song and I was alone again with the other 99 napkins, some party supplies, and...

"Napkin 50, my dearest brother! How I missed you!

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Episode 23 - Filler #6

Spoiler

Error 404: Filler Not Found.

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Used Napkin: Salutations, mortals. My tales shall resume in a moment's time. Kindly remove my topic from this locker. Davey Jones keeps using me to wipe his sweat, permeating me with a decidedly pungent odor.

[CDCB]

Episode 24 - New Places, Old Faces

 

I could have just been imagining things, but I thought I heard the painful preachings of Napkin 7,777.

 

"Silence does not help one's attitude, my good man! We must speak! We must enlighten each other with our words, dear brother!"

 

Alas, it was the peace advocate I had hoped to never see again.

 

"What are you doing here?" I groaned.

 

"My dear brother, fate has guided us back to one another! We will be together forever, Napkin 50!" preached Napkin 7,777. "For I too have been requested to assist the yellow one in maintaing the party!"

 

I had to accept the truth. The evil of Napkin 7,777 was indeed back in the... paper. Right beside me was the package containing Napkins 7,701-7,800 and Napkin 7,777 hadn't changed a bit.

 

My happiness had been fully obliterated.

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Episode 25 - Freedom Comes in Small Packages (Part 1)

 

SpongeBob emerged from the living room and re-entered the kitchen looking quite satisfied with his work.

 

"Party's all set up!" he said to himself before catching eye of us. "Oh yeah! I almost forgot the talking party supplies!" He proceeded to go back and forth carrying everything--including us--into the kitchen.

 

"Technically, dear Sponge," preached Napkin 7,777, "only us napkins are capable of conversationally engaging!"

 

"Aww shut up! Nobody wants to hear your technicalities!" snapped Napkin 7,742.

 

"What is shutting up but--"

 

Everybody glared at Napkin 7,777 which means serious business since napkins are normally incapable of making faces.

 

Finally, SpongeBob had transported all the party supplies to his living room and only we, the napkins, were left. When he carried us in to the admittedly brilliantly decorated room, I assumed our journey was over. But it had only just begun...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Episode 26 - Freedom Comes in Small Packages (Part 2)

 

SpongeBob sat down on a sofa which had been smothered in flowery decorations. As a matter of fact, it was rather difficult to discern that this resting place ever was a couch, even for someone with my superior intellect.

 

Nevertheless, SpongeBob was happy as ever when he proudly declared, "Time to open you guys up and set you on the table!"

 

I had to admit, the guy may have been a pain in the stitches, but right when those words passed through his lips I felt an inner sense of hope, as though everything was going to be okay and that a new beginning would begin to fill the innermost depths of my life. Dear Neptune, I was turning into Napkin 7,777...

 

First came Napkins 7,701-7,800. Watching as they were released, my mind created an approximation of what it would feel like when SpongeBob opened my package. Before long, his hands were fast approaching us and he began to tear through the plastic that had us bound together for all this time. 

 

I was finally free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Episode 27 - Filler #7

 

The 6 year old's mayhem returns with another thrilling adventure in the life of Dora the Explorer. I attempted to convince her to write something on a higher level of maturity, but as you can see it had very little effect.

 

"Let's try not to write one about pooping and peeing."

 

"Okay, how about diarrhea and diapers?"

 

------

 

One time, Dora was in her house. And she was playing with her babies. And then she saw that the babies diaper wasn't strapped on all the way, so threw out the diaper and cleaned the baby's butt. And then Dora said "PU! The baby's butt stinks! Stink! Stink! Stink!" And then the other's baby was like that and she had to change the other baby's diaper. And then she threw out the babies. And then her mama and papa were like "Hey why did you throw out the babies?" and then the babies went out into the dump and died in lava. And their diapers died too.

 

And then Dora went to the dump and Boots fell in. Dora was like, "Nooooooooo Boots! Don't die!" And then Boots had his underwear showing and then Dora fell in and her butt showed. And they figured out that the babies were not dead. It was just orange jello. Not lava. And then the babies didn't die so then they just pooped in it, and the jello came into lava. And they all died together.

 

The end!