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SpongeBrawl: Brawl to the End!

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I noticed this month already marks a whopping 10 years since my first foray into the wacky world of writing wrasslin’, my first show being SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling. Of course, it wouldn’t be long until the promotion shuttered its doors, but its foundation did give way for Community Deathmatch to be born not long after! And we all know how that went.

Almost a year later and completely riding off the high of Community Deathmatch, I rebooted and reorganized SpongeBrawl into two separate brands under a single umbrella; the spin-off oriented Nautical World of Wrestling promotion, which would go on to have a much healthier run of just over one year. And SBC Wrestling, its literature equivalent that was geared towards (and starring) the SBC membership of the time, which lasted only a little over four months.

I was snorting line after line like Tony Khan before TK was a person that I even knew existed. But long story short, three wrestling based shows became too much for this old man to handle so I eventually re-consolidated all my time and effort into Deathmatch once again. And again, we all know how that turned out.

So with ten years already in the rear view and in the eternal spirit of Arcade Anarchy II, I have decided to commemorate the original spin-off that set me on my path by hopefully at least somewhat remastering it within the realm of the video game sphere! That’s right, I went and bought a digital copy of WWE 2K22 when it was recently on sale, and I will be LEVELING UP the first ever episode of SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling for modern SBC audiences in conjunction with “Shazam: Fury of the Gods”, out now exclusively in movie theaters!

So yeah, I’m new to these new fangled Double Double E games and their modern creation machines. There’s some characters, pretty much the main cast, that have already been made in-game by other people. I’ve tried out some of ‘em, though I’m leaning towards making them on my own to have a more authentic experience. You know, just make things harder and more time consuming for me lol. I wanna run the episode through the Universe Mode and simulate it entirely, but I never did play a Universe Mode once in my life so that should be fun.

There’s no timetable set so just expect it to drop randomly as soon as I finish. Depending on how the creation process goes with the characters, arena, universe mode etc. it might take a bit. But just so that I don’t leave y’all here with absolutely nothing, here’s a couple practice matches that I simulated yesterday using a Squidward that someone else made and a Squilliam that is entirely my own!


And here’s a special surprise inside to celebrate, a little early, another forthcoming 10th anniversary


And don’t forget to LEVEL UP your movie going experience by watching Shazam: Fury of the Gods, out now exclusively in theaters!

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Moments ago on SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling: Leveled Up…



Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Perch Perkins reporting LIVE from the majestic Shazam! Colosseum, where we are just fresh off the heels of a huge comeback show for the SpongeBrawl brand! It was a night of action-packed highs, lows and everything else in-between! I would just like to some time here this evening before the start of our post-show media scrum to get a few words from some of the night’s unfortunate losers. Standing by with me right now is none other than The Shrimp! How are you feeling right now after suffering such a total loss, Shrimp?

Shrimp: What do you think I’m feeling, Perch? I completely lost in an absolutely decisive fashion, man. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it. I went out there tonight to fight not just for me, but for my entire species. For years, I have had to deal with the humiliation that that cheapskate inflicted on me. I can’t go anywhere without at least one person quoting that god forsaken line to me right as I leave the door. And it hasn’t just happened to me. Gathered data indicates that this is a regular occurrence for every 4 out of 10 shrimps. Do you understand the harmful truth and the severity of those numbers? Every 4 out of 10. That’s just insane, it’s madness! Me and shrimp brothers and shrimp sisters shouldn’t be made to subject ourselves to this blatant systematic abuse of the shrimpy. I put not only my reputation on the line here tonight, but also the money that I was gonna use to give back to the shrimp community. Money that I was pressed into wagering because it was the only way Krabs would accept the damn rematch! I lost everything here this evening. How am I supposed to go back home and look my fellow shrimps in the eye knowing that I couldn’t do what needed to be done for the good of our kind? Now Krabs holds all the money and there’s no telling what he might do with it. That scares me, Perch, it really does. It makes me sick just thinking about the things he’ll do with that money in that bed of his, money that could’ve done a whole world of good for a whole lot of people. 

Perch Perkins: Ok, get lost, shrimp.

An offended and dejected Shrimp storms out of the colosseum, but not before being approached by the Jumbo Shrimp on his way out the door.

Perch Perkins: Please welcome my next guest at this time. He is very monobrowed and equally as well-endowed. Ladies and gentlemen, he is Squilliam Fancyson III, SF3!

Squilliam: I take the time out of my evening to bless you with my presence and all you could muster up for me was that insult? Let a professional show you how it’s done, Percy. Now, I personally wouldn’t consider any of the social disease ridden corner walkers in attendance here to be my definition of “ladies” and I certainly wouldn’t consider all of the neckbeard incel current monkey slappers of America to be remotely close to real men, but for the sake of convenience, let’s just say “ladies and gentlemen”, I want all you pissants and peons to somehow coordinate your fat, poor statured selves into one huge circlejerk and please join Percy here in a collective jizz as I, the highly monobrowed and utmost well endowed, Squilliam Fancy-fucking-son 3rd, through the sheer kindness of my heart, allows each and every one of you air breathers a brief moment to breathe the same water as me. Now that, Percy, is how it’s fucking done!

Perch Perkins: I hope you can find it in your heart of hearts to forgive me, Mr. Fancyson.

Squilliam: Actually, that’s Professor Fancyson and not at all likely to happen, but do continue. I have places to go and pictures of my total package to plaster all over everyone’s social feeds with the hashtag #BetterThanYours.

Perch Perkins: Squilliam, I really do hate having to remind you of this but my hands are tied here, you just suffered your third straight loss in a row to your old rival Squidward Tentacles. What do you have to say about this absolute outrage?

Squilliam: An outrage?? Wow! Well, maybe it’s an outrage to you stupid marks at home having yourselves some nice quality alone time with your left hands, watching reruns of Band Geeks for the umpteenth time so far this year. But am I this so-called “outraged”? Me, no, of course not. And it’s absolutely ridiculous to even suggest otherwise. I have never nor will I ever sweat over Squidward Testicles. If anything, he sweats over me and who can blame him. His mom sweated over me as soon as I graduated at the top of the top of the top of the top of our high school class and I graduated at the top of her ass later that very same night! His father outright refuses to hug the guy because, aside from the fact that Squiddy has a permanent limp dick for a nose, laying down next to that abortion of a son of his in that maternity ward was me and he just couldn’t bear the cold hard truth that any hope for a prosperous Testicles lineage died with a fucking whimper that day. So outrage? Maybe if you’re a person who can’t hold a conversation with the opposite for ten whole seconds. Me? Maybe I’m a bit surprised, yeah. I mean, I did go into this match with about 40% of my total fucks given. I figured his pathetic ass couldn’t even handle that much, and could you blame me?

Perch Perkins: Of course not.

Squilliam: But the biggest point I wanna make here is that I couldn’t even be bothered to at least half ass it. And do you wanna get the exclusive, right here right now, as to why?

Perch Perkins: I-

Squilliam: Of course you do, you’re hanging on to my balls by the grit of your teeth just like everybody else here! It’s because Squiddy simply isn’t worth any substantial amount of effort. Like I said earlier, he has a permanent limp dick for a nose, I’m the son his father wishes was the product of his semen. Life’s hard enough as it is for him, why go out of my way to make it that much harder? Maybe if this match was for the NWowW Global Championship like it was originally supposed to 8 years ago, I would’ve put an extra 15% into it maybe, but it wasn’t for the title. And you wanna know the god’s honest truth why it wasn’t for that title? Because Squiddy somehow, some way winning that belt tanked the company into the fucking ground. He’s the reason why the Nautical World of Wrestling ceased to be and practically had to change its name just to get his filth and taint off of their reputation. And knowing Squiddy, he’ll probably start up some stupid storyline saying that he’s the “real champion” and Patrick is just a pretender to his throne or some convoluted shit like that because if his ego were its own person, it would have glass bones and paper skin. If he really was better than me, then he would’ve gotten my shoulders down for a 5 count. And do you know why he can’t get my shoulders down for a 5 count?

Perch Perkins: Because in WWE 2K22, pin counts don’t go up that high?

Squilliam, Exactly! So Squiddy will never, ever be better than me. So enjoy riding whatever high you’re on now, Squiddy, like your relationship with Squilvia, it’ll only last a couple minutes. Top Guy, out!

Squilliam pulls out of Squidward’s mom and leaves her begging for more.

Perch Perkins: We don’t have time to dwell on that now. Please welcome my next guest, Gary thee Snail. Gary, you had a lot riding on your match here earlier this evening, and needless to say, I think you shitted the bed so bad that your owner now has no choice than to replace you. Gary, please, your thoughts?

Gary thinks long and hard about what he wants to put out there into the world.

Gary:  …Meow.

Perch Perkins: I see. And later on during the SpongeBrawl Rumble, it appeared as if you and your owner, SpongeBob, would unite for one more time but it seemed you ultimately decided to put any previous loyalty you had behind you and attacked SpongeBob personally. What could’ve brought on such a change in attitude there? You were always such a good boy, a good snail!

Gary: Meow.

Perch Perkins: Well I think that just about explains everything. You are dismissed, Mr. Thee Snail.

Gary slithers off, but not before taking a #2 at Perch’s feet.

Perch Perkins: No, bad Gary! Bad! Did your previous owner not train you in proper interview etiquette?! Oh the smell! How can I possibly conduct any more interviews under these conditions?! Speaking of a steaming of shit. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, Plankton!

Plankton: How dare you compare me, Sheldon J. Plankton, to this steaming pile of shit! I went to college!

Perch Perkins: Yeah, you and most people here. Look, just say whatever cryptic bullshit you have to say and let’s move on.

Plankton: Most of you protozoan fecal matter think that just because I lost to Krabs’ questionable offspring, that means it’s all downhill for ol’ Plankton, but you all just wait til later tonight during the scrum. There’s a bigger picture here and it dwarfs even that whale by a lot!

Perch Perkins: What could you possibly have up to your sleeve after Plan Z? There are no more letters in the alphabet after that!

Plankton: Then prepare to witness history because I’m about to drop a brand spankin’ letter on you mortal fools!

Plankton leaves Perch to mull that one over.

Perch Perkins: They’ll give anyone a degree these days. Anyone except for my next guests! You know ‘em, you love ‘em, they’re Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! B-Boy, Rock Steady, like what the hell happened out there? You lost to a couple of virgins in your first match back in like 8 years or whenever the hell NWoW was. You’re bonafide superheroes with practically dominion over all sea creatures. How could possibly mess up that badly?

Barnacle Boy: Well I-

Mermaid Man: I think Mr. Fancyson was on to something earlier about people who have permanent limp dicks for noses. It just wasn’t the lad’s night. What more could be said. I thought I trained him better than this, but it seems as if I was wrong. Very, very wrong. But rest assured, citizens, Barnacle Boy and I will work out the kinks in the meantime! To the character creation suite, AWAAAAYYYY!!!

Mermaid Man points to the air and shuffles haphazardly in the direction of my PS5. Barnacle Boy struggles to keep up.

Barnacle Boy: Wait! What kind of kinks do you have for my nose?!

Perch Perkins: Well that was certainly in bad taste. But do you, the folks at home, know what modern day spin-off offers you the highest in highbrow entertainment today? My next guest is the star of “MegaloMania”, Manny Mangrove! Manny, baby, how’s the wife and kids doing?

Manny: Hey, that’s my family you’re talking about!

Manny lunges over and bites Perch’s microphone hand clean off.

Perch Perkins: My arm!

Officers John and Nancy run over and make themselves useful for once by clubbing the rogue shark with their batons and dragging him away offscreen.

Perch Perkins: You lost like a bitch to a move that wasn’t even a finisher!!! Oh dear Neptune! How was he even able to eat with that pile of shit stinking up the place?! But you know who else lost like a bitch? My next guest, Sandy Cheeks! Well hoooowwwwwdyyy-

Sandy immediately grabs Perch and locks his already injured arm in the Arm Cruncher!




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The shot switches over to another, more purpler Perch Perkins standing LIVE on location at the SpongeBrawl: Leveled Up media scrum.

Perch Perkins: Certainly a messy situation going on backstage here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling: LEVELED UP. But don’t pay any mind to it right now. We don’t have time to dwell on it now. SpongeBrawl faithful, I welcome you to our first ever media scrum! Introducing first, the founder of SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling himself, SBC’s very own Old Man Jenkins!

OMJ comes out to two reactions.

OMJ: How’s everyone doing tonight?! Let me just be the first to thank all of you for going out of your ways to support SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling all these years later! We kicked off with humble beginnings here just over 10 years ago, when SpongeBrawl was still just a joint collaboration between Clappy, ssj and myself. And to see it somehow come to a crescendo right here, right now at this particular point in time, it truly is surreal and it’s a moment that this wacky world of pro wrestling is made of. Truly, thank you! And you! But most importantly, SpongeBrawl wouldn’t have leveled up without the help of one certain individual. I just spoke of how SpongeBrawl began as this joint venture between two best friends and one other guy who just kinda stood there menacingly, but now 10 years later, it’ll also end as a combined effort. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the person without whom leveling up wouldn’t even be possible, my business partner, my confidante, my rockmate. Zeus the Guitar Lord!

Zeus the Guitar Lord nonchalantly comes out and blows off OMJ’s attempt for a handshake hug.

Zeus: How’s everyone doing tonight?! After tonight, I think that a new name change is in order here. How does Zeus the Wrestle Lord sound?! Huh?!

Zeus gets the same two reactions.

Zeus: Yeah, that’s what Zeus the Wrestle Lord likes to hear! Look, I’m flattered, OMJ. Really, I am. But let’s not forget the person who’s really responsible for all of this here. The one who created all of this! Ah, you know who you ol’ son of a bitch! Everyone, let’s give a nice, big round of applause to MY MOM who bought the rights to SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling from OMJ after he blew all his Deathmatch money on a poor attempt at a riffing theater that amounted to nothing! Oh yeah! Woo!

OMJ bashfully takes in the two reactions.

OMJ: Yes. Thanks, Mrs. Wrestle Lord.

Zeus: Dude, my dad hasn’t been in the picture for years. Take that back! But yeah, when I finally got bored with the whole guitar gimmick, I thought that the next thing that could possibly top it would be my own spin-off here on SBC! But since things have kinda been sorta on the downturn in recent times, I figured that the best course of action would be to acquire an already established property with decent name value. And now here I am! Crazy how shit works out sometimes. I could’ve literally re-enacted Tentacle-Vision and bought the rights to the actual Squidward Chat, but I didn’t know how well that’d go down considering its previous creative regime, but I’ve always been a fan of pro wrestling growing up. My mom would buy me all the action figures I wanted and I’d have my own little figure fed operating out of my own toy box. Now I get to do that all over again! Only with real living people! Oh yeah! Woo! One of those real living people being our newly crowned Shazampion, Patrick Star!

Patrick makes his way out to the media scrum with his newly won Shazampionship around his waist. It appeared he had to have the strap extended a bit cover the full circumference of his belly

Patrick: How’s everyone doing tonight! Thank you for having me back here. I totally forgot this place existed!

Zeus: Dudes, isn’t he a riot?! Oh yeah! Woo!

Patrick: But, if I could be serious for a moment, I just wanna thank SpongeBrawl for giving my life meaning once again. I mean, more often than not, I’m usually just played for laughs, being made to look like an idiot compared to everybody else. Before wrestling, I was winning literal awards for doing absolutely nothing longer than anyone else. Sure, that felt good in that moment but that’s always been what was expected of me. Wrestling finally gave me SOMETHING to do and boy was I good at it. But much more than that, SpongeBrawl 2013 and especially Nautical World of Wrestling made me feel like a Star. I even won the NWoW Global Championship, an achievement that only three of us can claim. Not even SpongeBob can stake that claim. Star became more than just my family name, it became a goddamn way of life. I truly was living like a Star! And now, after 8 long years, finally coming back to all of this and then winning this Shazampionship my first night back, it’s like this star-shaped puzzle is whole again! I know a lot of people hear the movie “Shazam! Fury of the Gods” and think “oh that crappy looking movie? It doesn’t matter watching it. It’ll only get erased when it’s all said and done. It’s something to sleep on”. That may very well be true. With James Gunn wiping the slate clean, “Shazam! Fury of the Gods” ultimately may not matter in the end. But the way that I saw “Shazam! Fury of the Gods”, I see it as a movie fighting against all odds to prove that it’s worth the time, that it’s worth the effort, that it is worthy of validation! That it is nothing that happened rather than something that didn’t! This Shazampionship might just be some soulless marketing ploy to some, but to me it embodies what I’ve been fighting years for. It embodies what SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling is fighting for right now! We’re all underdogs trying to reach for eternity when it seems so far out of reach. But still, we fight! I don’t know quite sure yet what the future holds for SpongeBrawl, or myself for that matter, but if tonight is to be our last stand, we’re going out til we’re fucking purple! And godammit, I LOVE BEING FUCKING PURPLE!!!

???: I’m loved by few, hated by many, but RESPECTED BY ALL

Squidward Tentacles makes his way onto the scrum, carrying with him the old Nautical World of Wrestling Global Championship. He circles the conference table like a shark before stopping right in front of Patrick and slamming the NWoW Global Title belt on the table in front of Patrick’s Shazampionship.

OMJ: Come on now! Now isn’t the time for your bullshit, Squidward! You being loved by few and hated by many is just a fact of life, but the very thought of you being “respected by all” is some real deluded shit! Even for your diary reading ass!

Squidward: Shut your mouth, you mediocre fanfic writer!

OMJ:  …Fanfic writer??

Squidward: This is between me and the “Star” of our show, or as I see it, the pretender to MY throne! You know, it’s funny having to stand there in the back forcing myself to indulge a “champion” as he spouts his own brand of real deluded shit in some desperate attempt to try and justify a belt that ultimately means nothing when a real title holder is already in the room. Allow me to jumpstart the hamster wheel in that braindead brain coral of yours by reintroducing you to him. You remember him well, right? Because I was the one who beat your big pink ass for it! Now, before you go all “heart on stick must die” on me like the closeted incel you really are, let’s take a look at the current state of the NWoW- oh wait, it’s dead! Cursed to an early and well deserved grave the moment they allowed you into the title scene. The marks on the community bulletin board would have you fools fooled into thinking that I, ME of ALL people, “sunk” that company into the ground but I’m just their designated fall guy. Always have been, always will be. “Let’s all shit on Squidward for the thousandth time this season! That won’t get old!” None of you would know talent even if it slapped its dick right in your face! When did the views stop coming in? When YOU were champion! When did people stop giving a shit? When YOU were champion! When I finally took this belt off that size 3232 waist of yours, it was the company finally undergoing chemo treatment to fight off the cancer that IS Patrick Star! YOU cost everyone everything when NWoW closed its doors and I’ll be damned if I let history repeat itself in the year of our lord 2023! You wanna talk about Shazam! Fury of the Gods? Well I think Shazam! Fury of the Gods was a shitty second movie like how you were a shitty second champion. 

Patrick: Shazam! Fury of the Gods was peak and you know it! 

Squidward: Completely shitting on everything that came before and completely fucking up so bad that nothing could thrive after.

Patrick: Shazam ain’t going nowhere! He’ll be back just like how I came back to win this and you didn’t!

Squidward: Dwayne Johnson was on to something when he went on and on about the “hierarchy of power changing in the DCEU”. He was well within his rights to ignore the sham that is Shazam and hotshotted straight to Superman. 

Patrick: The Rock was hitting way above his weight class, like another dumb bald prima donna I know!

Squidward: Oh I can relate, but unlike the fatal mistake Dwayne made, I must be the one to suck up my pride and lower myself to the lowest hanging fruit in order to raise the bar to those Superman levels.

Patrick: You can’t even raise that limp dick on your face with a bucket of viagra.

Squidward: Well you’re fucking fat!

Patrick: Limp dick nose! Limp dick nose! Limp dick nose!

Squidward: I can’t hear you because YOU’RE! SO! FAT!

OMJ: Ok this started out mildly metaphorical but has since devolved into Break A Leg! when CNF was in charge. Security.

Zeus: What are you talking about? This is good shit, pal! I guess now is as good a time as any to announce that I finally got permission from my mother, everyone! SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling is “Back For The Attack”! And I’m hard pressed to find something else that embodies that title for our next show more than this potential match-up here! So let’s just make it official here, people. At “SpongeBrawl: Back For The Attack, we’re gonna have ourselves a title unification match, Patrick vs Squidward, winner takes all! Oh yeah! Woo!

Patrick and Squidward do the whole “let’s hold our titles in each other’s faces and let’s see who’s weenie enough to walk away first” cliché but neither of them are turning to leave, so they’re just gonna awkwardly stand there staring each other down for the rest of the scrum.

OMJ: Well that’s just fucking great.

Zeus: Let’s all put on a happy face for Mrs. Puff!

Mrs. Puff makes her way out to join the scrum, already enjoying her newfound freedom.

Zeus: Looks like somebody is already enjoying her newfound freedom!

OMJ: Alright, I’m sure we have some questions lined up for Puff Mama over here. Your hat’s on fleek, Puff Mama, hat’s on fleek! Yes, you sir, in the suit.

Sir in the Suit: Yeah, um, whatever happened to Mr. Puff?

Mrs. Puff: No comment.

Sir in the Suit: Come on, it’s a pretty simple question.

Zeus: I agree, Puff, you’re just making it harder than it really needs to be. I mean, after all these years, I think audiences everywhere deserve to know.

OMJ: Mr. Wrestle Lord sir, if she doesn’t like talking about it then we probably should respect her wishes and create an environment that’s-

Mrs. Puff: I DON’T like talking about it. Especially not during a forum as public as this. So if you don’t have anything else fruitful to ask, young man, then please let us just move on to the next-

Sir in the Suit: Heh. He told me you’d say that.

OMJ: Whooo…now…?

Zeus: Nice! That sounds foreboding as fuck, pal!

Mrs. Puff: Next question please!

Sir in the Suit: Mr. Puff sends his regards.

The sir in the suit pulls out a Glock opens fire on Mrs. Puff, who pushes the conference table as a makeshift shield from the line of fire. One of the shots pierces through the table and tags Puff in the lower abdomen as OMJ pulls the awe-struck Zeus to safety. Patrick and Squidward continue their stand-off, unfazed by the events unfolding around them. Officers John and Nancy come out and return fire, forcing the sir in the suit to retreat. Nancy pursues the gunman while John checks on Puff.

Zeus: Officer, arrest that puffer!

John brandishes his baton and beats Puff with it before slapping the cuffs on her and escorting her out of the scrum.

OMJ: Zeus, what the actual fuck?!

Zeus: Well who the hell does she think she is bringing her family drama over to my media scrum?! Do you see walking into one of her classes and causing a fucking disturbance?! No! Because I have a little thing called class! No wonder she’s a fucking felon, the fucking nerve on that bloated piece of snail shit! 

OMJ: Whatever, it’s behind us now. It probably won’t be followed up on anyway. Let’s just fucking continue this thing, we have to look fucking presentable! That’s right, up, all of you! Or both of you if we’re being completely honest with ourselves. Send the next one out! And can somebody bring Nancy back to get these two jack-offs to fuck off the stage already!

Patrick and Squidward remain for the rest of the scrum.

Larry the snail slowly slithers his way out next.

Zeus: My apologies for the snail shit crack just now, Mr. Thee Snail. That fat bitch was just so infuriating, I can see why bad things always happen to her. Talk about karma working double overtime to cover all that bloat. But congratulations are in order, Larry, on your win earlier this evening. You helped net me quite the sizable pot.

Larry: Well I’m glad somebody found me to be of some service.

Zeus: Holy shit, it can talk?

Larry: But of course, my dear Wrestle Lord. We snails have already been long established as being perfectly able to speak perfect English. Haven’t you seen “Have You Seen this Snail?”?

OMJ: Oh yeah, that was such a sad episode.

Larry: I just don’t know where most people come off saying that that episode was “sad”. The only thing I found even remotely close to sad was the fact that Gary didn’t get eaten at the end. I honestly found the whole thing to be rather humorous, myself.

OMJ: Humorous how?

Larry: Humorous in the fact that that spoiled prick Gary let his huge ego convince himself that his owner, just by participating in leisure activities on his own time, was “neglecting” him. And then he responds by running away like the female worm that he is! And then we spend a majority of the episode watching SpongeBob in complete utter anguish, blaming himself for his pet running away when he was just trying to live his own life. What Gary pulled there was Emotional Manipulation 101. It’s toxic! Their entire one-sided relationship is, spanning across multiple episodes! Need I even mention “Dumped”?

Zeus: Well, now that you mentioned it.

OMJ: Zeus, you’re not possibly indulging in this fallacy?

Zeus: It’s just, things change when you look back on these things through an adult lens!

Larry: Ah, and that’s the key word: “adult”. Whereas SpongeBob and Gary are goddamn children. 

Zeus: Whoa. You either die a Gary or live long enough to see yourself become a Larry.

Larry: But returning to a point I was previously trying to make, what Gary ultimately put himself through in “Have You Seen This Snail?” wasn’t neglect. Do either of you know what neglect truly is? Neglect is finally being liberated from pet shop purgatory, thinking you’ll be going to a place you can finally call “home” with an owner who will love you and care for you no matter what flaws you may have. I mean, all owners make the conscious decision to take on any and all baggage when buying a pet, right? But then you find out that you’re only really just there as some sad, pathetic back pocket move to try and make the previous golden boy pet jealous and want to come back. Of course, that didn’t work because SpongeBob is a goddamn child and Gary is the manipulative prick that he is. And after that, SpongeBob couldn’t even stand the sight of me. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. He didn’t want to be around me, he didn’t want to care for me, he didn’t want to love me. “Oh Larry was distant, Larry wasn’t social, Larry was vicious! Oh woe is me! That completely justifies abandoning him!” How would you feel living in a glass case for your entire childhood watching your siblings pass you by going to good homes while you were left to watch hopeless as everybody passes up on you for no reason other than “ugh what’s with the monobrow?! What a dumpster fire of a snail, just put him down already!”? Then to have an angel finally smile down on you and take you in, only to be put in a situation far worse?! How could I ever show affection for someone who never showed me that very same affection in the first place? And the only time he did, was all superficial just to make another snail jealous! I was only onscreen for like a minute before being abandoned and forgotten! And why, because I wasn’t GaRY!!?? Huh?! I wasn’t GaRe BeAR!! My very name is a testament, a monument to the toxicity that those two, count em, two have projected onto me! And the worst part is…look, I don’t even wanna remember what happened to Jerry. When Gary and I first met in a SpongeBrawl ring ten years ago, it was fun and games. “Oh, what would happen if these two characters were to fight eachother?! Uhhderrh!” 

OMJ: I did not sound like that. Let that be put on the record right now.

Larry: I was younger and stupider and I needed the money to SUPPORT MYSELF. This time, all these years later, it was personal. This rematch meant the world to me. But Gary, he thought he could big league me. He thought that I was no longer worth his time. Can you believe the balls on that neutered motherfucker? 

Zeus: Well not now when you put it that way.

Larry: And the funny thing is, I was willing to accept that and try to move on with my life. But then I heard about it. I heard that that yellow, buck-toothed, man child, used up from getting lubed up fucking sponge went ahead and opened up his own little snail sanctuary. I felt the wrath of almighty Neptune flow through me that day. After everything, EVERYTHING, he had the balls to open up a fucking SNAIL SANCTUARY. I was going to end that child’s whole career. Especially after what happened to Jerry. Look, you all can forget me, you can forget Larry the Snail all you fucking want, but don’t you dare forget him. Don’t you dare forget Jerry! Remember that fucking name and put some respect on it. Jerry was the realest and he didn’t deserve what he got. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and that’s saying a lot after everything I said here today. So I made the first move on Gary’s home turf to provoke his fragile little ass into pulling all the right strings so that he would come for me! And the rest, as they say, is history. I won, he lost, and now that that little square fuck is gonna take some goddamn accountability for everything. And I do mean everything. Jerry, my brother! Never forget! Never forget.

Larry slowly slithers off the stage.

Zeus: He has such a way with words!

OMJ: Yeah, even I wanna see SpongeBob hanged now.

Zeus: Jerry!

OMJ: We’ll never forget you, braddah.

Zeus: Never forget!

OMJ: So, who has the unenviable task of following that?


TBC in Leveled Up Media Scrum: Part 2…


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The Boys Who Cry make their way out, dancing and singing. Oowoo-oo-oo!

OMJ: Jesse!

Zeus: Johnny!

OMJ & Zeus: And Joey!

OMJ: The Boys Who Cry, reunited in the flesh! How the hell are ya?

Joey: I think I speak for the entire group when I say we feel pretty damn good about ourselves! My boys, Jesse and Johnny, managed to beat two god-like beings in the Dutchman and Lord Poltergeist. Our comeback tour is in full swing kicked into high gear. Our teacher, El Pampano, is probably on his way out of Davy Jones’ Locker as we speak! Everything seems to be coming up Boys Who Cry!

Zeus: And even though you weren’t even officially in the match yourself, Joey, you still took more than your fair share of bumps out there!

Joey: I know, right?! It was insane! But sometimes you just have to take one, or in my case a couple, for the team. I didn’t actively get involved with the match. I didn’t interfere or nothin. Lord Poltergeist came after me first.

Johnny: Probably because you have such a punchable face!

OMJ: You all practically look the same.

Zeus: Johnny, what was it like standing across the ring from death itself? Was it like in Puss in Boots: The Last Wish?

Johnny: About the same more or less, probably just a little less furry. It was really intense, like watching my life flash before my eyes or some shit. Like, when Puss saw himself as a kitten, it was like I saw myself as a kitten. And that kitten was me!

OMJ: Do we have a computer simulating this scrum too?

Zeus: Jesse, the man of the hour with the power, himself! You were the one who pulled off this monumental upset! From what we heard, you didn’t even want to pursue this wrestling return at first. Why was that?

Jesse: I thought that maybe our best days were behind us, you know. The Dutchman killed our music careers essentially. We aren’t getting younger and we aren’t exactly the “boys” who cry anymore. And even during those years, we weren’t exactly the best trios team. We lost all our matches, I believe. I think the thing that made me come around to the idea was my boys, really. It’s no secret that I was on a self-destructive path when our careers stagnated and I sold the band’s soul to Mr Dr Professor Feelgood. But these guys never gave up on me. They were always there when I really needed them, even if I felt otherwise at the time. This was me making that all up to them, to help them, to make a real go of things together at least one more time. We took our wrestling training seriously like we took music seriously. We went out and found a great teacher. We ran the ropes tirelessly. We strengthened our bonds to be stronger than ever before. When El Pampano was taken away from us, our resolve became that much stronger. We were fighting for something more than just ourselves. Kinda like in Puss in Boots! And thankfully, it all paid off in the end. It was a real full circle moment in a way.

???: Then allow me to bring it all fuller circle then! Waahahahaa!

The lights in the room dim green and thick green fog enshrouds everyone.

Zeus: Ahh! It’s the Red Baron!

The Dutchman: You three crybaby boys managed to edge out the victory AGAINST ALL ODDS! I promised your teacher back, and I’m not a ghost who turns back on his deals! SO AS PROMISED!

El Pampano is teleported into the room, much to the relief of the Boys Who Cry.

The Dutchman: Allow me to introduce you to the NEWEST MEMBER OF MY GHOSTLY CREW! WAAHAHAHAA!

OMJ: Dude, fucking inside voice! This is a cramped ass conference hall. There’s a dentist meet-up going on in the ballroom next door.

El Pampano suddenly starts glowing a sickly green glow, a trademark of most ghosts in the SpongeBob universe. Suddenly, pounces at the boys.

Joey: Teach, it’s us!

Johnny: Your boys! Remember?!

The four of them all do really good Matrix-esque Lucha things around the room, with Pampano managing to fight them all back

Jesse: Dutchy, what did you do to him?!

The Dutchman: Did I not make it clear enough? You crybaby boys wanted him out of the locker, but you didn’t say in what state!

Johnny: Guys, are we in, like, North Carolina right now?!


Zeus: Waiiiit! Oh yeah! Woo!

The Dutchman: What is it, your lordship?

Zeus: Look, we just had an attempted murder go down here and we’re already short two security officers. Why don’t we just avoid all the legalities and book you guys into an official match?

The Dutchman: Hmm, the one with the bush on his head is right. Let’s book the match

Zeus: Oh yeah! Woo!

The Dutchman:  …es! I want two matches!

Zeus: Weird call but ok.

Johnny: Make it 5!

The Dutchman: FOUR-

Johnny: THREE! Take it or leave it!

The Dutchman: Alright, three. I want three matches! A best two out of three series, if you will. Now you crybaby boys need to decide which one of you will face Lord Poltergeist, then El Pampano, and finally, last but certainly not least, I WANT YOU JESSE! ONE ON ONE! And we’ll see if that win you hold over me is more than just a fluke!

Jesse: You’re on, Dutchy!

Dutchy: STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! If you somehow win best two out of three, you’ll have your teacher back and I’ll leave your miserable little lot alone until your times come. But if I win, you three will have no choice but to join my ghostly crew and BECOME MY MINIONS! WAAHAHAHAA!! WAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAAH!!!

The Dutchman teleports himself and El Pampano away in a puff of green smoke.


With their next matches officially set, the Boys Who Cry take their leave.

OMJ: Welp, who’s next?

Pearl is the next to make her presence felt at the Leveled Up media scrum.

OMJ: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy single mommy schedule to join us here in celebrating SpongeBrawl’s 10th anniversary, Pearl!

Pearl: Thanks for having me back, OMJ! I know I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get along with the last time we worked together on a wrestling product, but hopefully this time wasn’t nearly as distressing

OMJ: Not at all! I mean it was, but not from your end. So what made you come back after all these years?

Pearl: The last time I was on this grand stage, I was an absolute drama queen. 

Zeus: A Bonafide Queen Bitch!

Pearl: Yes! Thank you for putting that more eloquently, Zeusy. I was running around with a bad crowd, definitely a bad guy. I mean, the absolute worst! But the less said about that piece of work, the better. I was overall in a very bad place during that time. I burned bridges with people that I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t until NWoW closed its doors that I realized just how bad of a situation I let myself get in. I thought wrestling would be my golden ticket to future stardom in Coralwood. Sure, I had some offers and opportunities come my way at first, but I realized pretty quickly just how in over my head I was, especially with still being a young mother. I thought I had life all figured out, but whenever I felt like I had all the answers, life changes the questions. When Octavius was fooling around behind my back, I decided to leave all that badness behind in Coralwood and moved back here to focus on bettering myself and my kid’s future. But no matter how much distance I manage to put between myself and all of THAT, it still has its way of creeping back into life. I get reminded of it all the time on social media and while I feel like I have a pretty good mental defense to combat all of the vitriol, there’s still some cracks in the shell. So when you guys came calling, I saw it as a chance to leave a better lasting image. To show all the doubters that somebody can still be capable of real, positive change. To become somebody better that my kid can truly be proud to call “Mom”.

Zeus: So this is it? This is the “Pearl Redemption Seasooooooon Bitcheeeeeeesssss”??

Pearl: A little bombastic with the wording there, but yeah, I think so!

OMJ: You heard it here first, folks! But speaking of redemption, I think you made some meaningful steps toward that goal earlier tonight when you finally beat Plankton clean in that ring.

Pearl: Oh it sure has been a hell of a long time coming for that little bastard.

OMJ: Some could even say that HE was the one who ultimately drove you and your father apart.

Pearl: He totally was the one. I mean, seriously? He used my daddy’s love for money against him and all at my expense. It was the perfect plan, I must admit. But changing the subject from that little, insignificant shit, it wouldn’t be a “redemption story” for me if I don’t at least try to mend fences with my father. For a while since our wrestling careers were in the rear view, he made numerous attempts to reconcile and I rejected him at every turn. I was so angry with him. How could he choose a dollar over his own daughter? He was everything that I didn’t want to be for my own child. But having a kid, it really makes you appreciate those familial, parental bonds even more. And it’s not like it was always all bad between me and my dad. He gave me a great upbringing, I was very privileged, and some might say, spoiled rotten. For the longest time, I thought I was above him, but we both made terrible decisions. We’re only sea creatures after all. If anything, perhaps most of all, I just want to make things better between us again. I want him to be involved in his grandkid’s life, I want my kid to know who their grandpappy is. Which is why I wore the very same squeaky boots he bought me all those years ago out there when I competed earlier tonight. I made it no secret to him just how much I abhorred those things, but now they’re the grandest gesture, the greatest message I can think to send to let him know that I love him and still think of him as my dad!

Zeus: Please pardon this awkward segue, but I think now’s a good time to address the elephant in the room. And no, it surprisingly ISN’T you. Your father, Mr. Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, seemingly accompanied his arch nemesis, Sheldon J. Plankton, sole proprietor of the Chum Bucket, to the ring for his match against you earlier in the evening. Now I’m not gonna sit here, utterly eclipsed from view by you, trying to make a mountain out of an anthill like some hack writer for the dirt sheets, but that must’ve set off all sorta alarms right?

Pearl: It definitely caught me off guard, but once everything was said and done, he ultimately didn’t help Plankton secure the win nor did he lay a claw on me. Not even during the Rumble when we shared the same ring together. But all of that said, we all still know very well what Plankton is capable of. I trust that microscopic dick about as far as he can throw me. My dad’s known him longer than anyone else so I hope that he knows what he’s doing, but still, it’s as big of a mystery to me as it is for all of you. I have no idea what to make of it.

???: Ladies and gentlemen, turn your attention to the southwest entrance.

Everybody in the room does just that.

???:  …well fuck all of you!

Plankton angrily opens up the doors to the southwest entrance and stomps his way in in a huff. Mr. Krabs enters alongside him.

Krabs: All of you except me lovely daughter, of course.

Plankton: Now I know anyone with a quarter of their brain cells might be wondering just what are Krabs and Plankton doing together. “Oh, they hate each other, right?” “They’ve been feuding for years! Has hell finally frozen over!?” Well “hate” is a strong word, people. Which is why it perfectly encapsulates us and what we do and what we are striving to do TOGETHER! But really, if we’re both being honest with ourselves, we’re really the only ones who have each other’s backs. We keep each other in check, we sharpen the other’s senses! It’s a big reason why we’ve BOTH been in business for as long as we have! If we can both continue to operate our independent businesses at such a high level of productivity when holding the knives to each other’s throats, just imagine what we would be able to accomplish when pooling our resources together and consolidating it all into a single omnipresent and omniscient entity! There’s a saying that even you jobless neanderthals might’ve heard, “NEVER go into business with friends”. Krabs and I, we’ve both taken special care not to forget that, which is we are officially going into business as ENEMIES!

OMJ: uhh, I don’t know how that’s much better…

Mr. Krabs: Better in the sense that nothing we do is ever personal. It’s all strictly business, lad. Which brings us to the next order of business and the real reason why we’re out here. Pearl, I heard all you had to say here this evening. And it touched me, really it did. But that’s me personally speaking. Business-wise, I think it be best if we just leave the fence as is, you know? Forgive and forget! I mean, why go through the monumental effort to rebuild bridges when I can simply allocate the costs of repair towards something more meaningful, like, perhaps making even more money? I’m sure ye understand.

Pearl: No, dad, I don’t understand. This is your own kid and grandkid you’re talking about forgetting here. I don’t know what kind of mind control that little shit is using on you, but THIS isn’t you. Your money grubbing fears are the stuff of legend, but you would always set business aside when it came to family!

Mr. Krabs: Then ye obviously don’t know me as well as you think you do, because I’ve already forgotten far more important people than you. But that’s just purely business. To end things on a more personal note between us; I think your child is a godforsaken bastard who’s doomed to repeat the same mistakes her floozy mother made!

Pearl’s eyes well up as she seethes with anger.

Mr. Krabs: And that is exactly why you will never make it in any business.

Plankton: Deliciously evil, Eugene.

Krabs and Plankton take their leave the same way they came. Pearl wipes a tear from her eye and leaves the scrum also.

OMJ: Oh thank goodness. I didn’t think we’d be able to cover the flood damages 

Zeus: Yeah, my mom would probably withhold my allowance if I let that happen on my watch. Bullet dodged there!

OMJ: You know who probably could dodge a bullet? Larry the Lobster, everybody!

Larry the Lobster: Well, maybe back when I was still Livin’ Like Larry.

OMJ: Wait, so are you saying that you’re not living like Larry now?

Larry: Not-

Zeus: It’s okay, take your time!

Larry: Not really, no.

Zeus: Well why not?!

Larry: I mean, I have to be honest with myself. I’m not exactly the same athlete that I used to be. And the reason why I’m not that same athlete I was before can be boiled down to the immense toll that the Larry lifestyle has taken on my physical health. Hell, even mentally too. I was constantly living on the edge, consistently putting myself into harm’s way, and for what exactly? A quick pat on the back before the next crazy stunt, the next unbelievable feat of strength. I spent years of my life fooling myself into thinking that I was inspiring people to go beyond their limits and knock down any and all obstacles that came their way. And on paper, yeah, that’s a good message. But if my life has taught me one thing, sometimes limits are a necessity in living that longer, fuller life that you truly want. Look, I’m broken down, forced to live out the rest of my days with the scars, chronic pain and nagging injuries left behind by this unhealthy need to wanna live an entire life in a day as if there’s no tomorrow. That was my mantra EVERY SINGLE DAY for over two decades! And I’ve been told by numerous medical professionals that I’m still one of the “lucky ones”! Many others that I “inspired” weren’t so fortunate. Some have ruined and others have lost their lives trying to LIVE. LIKE. ME. That’s a lot to have on one’s conscience. And no amount of money, no settlement in the world can ever undo the damage that I’ve done, that I’ve inflicted by projecting myself and forcing my way of life onto others for my own selfish desires and vanity. I knew damn well that not everyone was a genetic freak like me, and still yet, I encouraged them all to throw their lives away. I only came back to SpongeBrawl for one thing, to earn back the money I need to reopen my gym and put the correct message out there into the world. And that message is that there is more to life than just mine’s. Everyone’s life is precious, you don’t have to live like me or anyone else to get the most out of it. Live it for yourselves so that YOU CAN MAKE the most of it! All within reason, of course.

OMJ: Goddamn, Larry, that was beautiful.

Larry the Lobster: I know, right? I’m thinking about putting that on the back of the wrappers for my new line of protein bars!

Zeus: So can we expect back in a SpongeBrawl soon? Perhaps “Back in time For the Attack”? Wink!

Larry the Lobster: I’ve gotta say, thanks to your mother’s generous offer for this return bout, I feel confident that I can finally close the book on this chapter of my life!

Zeus: Yeah! Woo- wait, what?

OMJ: Well I’m honestly happy to hear that, Larry! No SpongeBob wrestling product would feel quite right without your dynamic presence as its backbone, but if this is the direction that living your life has taken you, then who the hell are we to say otherwise! On behalf of everyone here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling, I wish you well in your future endeavors, sir! Sincerely I do!

Larry the Lobster: Thank you, old man, your words mean the world to me!

Zeus: But I-I-I don’t get it. You were supposed to be hopelessly wrapped around my finger, desperately trying to cling on to whatever reputation you had left. Wrestling was to be your last hope for relevancy.

Larry the Lobster: Oh I simply couldn’t. My best days are behind me now, I was surprised I performed as well as I even did!

Zeus: You did! You did perform well! There’s obviously a lot more left in the tank than you realize, you can still go!

Larry the Lobster: I don’t think anybody knows my body’s limitations better than me! Haha!

Zeus: Thi-This isn’t right! My mom paid you. She’s still willing to pay you for more. Give me another number, I can have her match it and then some!

Larry the Lobster: You’ve already been plenty generous enough, I assure you! I honestly would’ve settled for way less than what I ended up getting for this Jumbo Shrimp rematch, but I was completely floored by just the first offer alone.

Zeus: Larry, please, you can’t do this to me. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF MY MOM’S MONEY I SACRIFICED?!!!?

OMJ: He seems like he knows real well, Zeus. Look, sometimes these things happen. It’s best to just end these things mutually so that the door could be left open for another run down the road.

Larry the Lobster: It’s not likely but if it helps you sleep at night. Sure, I guess!

OMJ: I mean, what are you gonna do, Zeus? Become some heel authority figure and make Larry’s life hell or something? Talk about a fucking cliché.

Zeus: No. No, of course not! I’m the chill boss. Yeah! Woo! I’m cool! I’m perfectly fine and open to coming to a mutual agreement with Larry here. Yeah. I completely wash my hands clean of you! You’re as good as gone! Consider yourself terminated! I release you! Hahahaha!

Larry the Lobster: I’m beyond glad that we were able to come to this conclusion in such a civilized manner! To you both, I am eternally grateful. 

Zeus: You’re fucking right about that! Let’s give it all up again for Larry the Lobster, everybody!

Larry receives his two reactions and leaves.

OMJ: What a guy. It warms me heart to see someone from one of my works go on to do some real good in this world. The world is definitely gonna need it!

Zeus: I hate to see him go, but I’ll love watching him leave this life.

OMJ: What?

Zeus: Who’s up next????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

OMJ: Yeah, uhh. Okay, Super Weenies.

Weeniebots: Greetings and salutations, blood sacks.

OMJ: Well fucking excuse you.

Weeniebots: I do not seek to be excused.

OMJ: Well what, dare I ask, DO you seek?

Weeniebot: A farewell to the flesh, primarily.

OMJ: And what about your two partners here? They’re made of flesh, right? Surely they’d take some issue there.

Weeniebot: To classify them as any “partner” of mine would be implying that they are anywhere near my equal.

OMJ: Then what would you call them?

Weeniebot: Subordinates, at best. Slaves, if I were to be brutally honest.

OMJ: They have mouths right? I can see em right there on their faces. How’s about letting them speak for themselves?

Weeniebot: They can’t even if they wanted to.

OMJ: And why is…that?

Weeniebot: I could tell you, but then we’d have to kill every blood sack here.

OMJ: Triton alive, what’s with all the fucking murder plots on this show?!

Weeniebot: You can rest easy knowing that our plot is the only proven inevitability. For I have proven here tonight that I am more than just a mere menial labor unit, but that I am, in fact, a miracle worker. I can make anything happen if I so will it to be. I want these two to continue crushing their competition, therefore it shall come to pass. I declare my intentions to exterminate all organic life in the ocean, it is now an inevitability. You sent your so-called Champions of the Deep at us, yet these two virgins shut them down like they were your Die-In Theater. Subordinate 1 eliminated Sandy Cheeks with ease from your Rumble. Subordinate 2 eliminated Larry the Lobster with nearly as much dominance. The two alphas of their respective species couldn’t even come close to my perfect creations, who were once the absolute betas of theirs. What you are witnessing is a miracle at work. And once the work is over, no miracle will be enough to save you or your world. Now, we are excused.

The Super Weenies leave the scrum in an orderly fashion.

OMJ: You still among the living, Zeus?

Zeus: Not always right now.

OMJ: Well then let’s wrap this up right quick. And by quick, I mean an entire part dedicated to itself!

To be concluded in Leveled Up: Media Scrum Part 3…


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Zeus: Ladies, gentlemen, juvenile delinquents, lend me your ears for we have now reached the portion of the media scrum where things officially kick into full gear! Now I know what some of you must be thinking, “how was an attempted assassination, a father-daughter relationship being broken into shambles, the exposure of toxic relationships, the raising of the dead and Larry the Lobster taking the one testicle he has left and going home NOT full gear?” Well we here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling kicks it into full gear by calling on one man, this man. Reg, you get your pasty ass on out here!

OMJ: Reg, out of all of our competitors this evening, I think you were the one who went out there and changed history the most. I mean, you beat Sandy Cheeks cleanly in the middle of that ring! 1-2-3! A squirrel considered by many to be the pound for pound toughest critter in Bikini Bottom! I think everyone here and reading at home wants to know, just how tough are ya?

Reg: How tough am I? I clapped Sandy Cheeks. That’s “how tough am I”. And if anybody takes issue with that statement, then you can always just catch me outside The Salty Spitoon and we can bang if you wanna bang.

Reg leaves the scrum and everyone else hanging on those words. However, before leaving through the curtains, Reg stops to side eye Patrick and Squidward who are both still standing there staring each other down.

OMJ: I think Reg was making it pretty clear there what the end goal is.

Zeus: Reg wants to bang both Patrick and Squidward?!

OMJ: Sure, let’s go with that.

Zeus: AT ONCE?!

Manny Mangrove and Sergeant Sam Roderick are out next, both given their own separate entrances as tensions continue to rise high between these two heading into the MegaloMania finale

OMJ: First of all, I’d just like to thank Hieronymus Glove and the Hieronymus Glove Company for partnering with us and helping to LEVEL UP this already high level event! The MegaloMania finale is coming, I promise! I can’t guarantee that it’ll exactly leave up to the long wait, but I am hopeful that regular readers will be satisfied by its conclusion. You know, Krabs and Plankton aren’t the only ones going into business together recently. This new partnership between Zeus and I has opened new doors. Doors that have led to not only SpongeBrawl making its return, but Community Deathmatch also being brought back from the grave for one last run! It is through this partnership that we received the funding provided by Zeus’ mom, which made bringing both of these works to a whole new dimension possible! When Deathmatch first concluded in 2020, I did good to put over the fact that I was creatively bankrupt at that point. That wasn’t a work, brother, it was a shoot that I wouldn’t necessarily say came from the hip. But another partnership that I had with another member here helped to restore some of that confidence in me and it helped me to achieve some much better closure with one of my other works, Skodwarde. I’m hoping that this partnership with Zeus the Guitar Lord can continue to help me accomplish the very same as I approach my own end goal, so to speak. This little section in our own little corner of the SpongeBob fandom has given me a platform to express my creativity for over a decade now and I don’t think I can ever thank this place and its members enough for allowing me to do all of this for so long, for better or for worse, as well as being along for the ride no matter how long or (more often) how short it was. People used to give tvguy shit for his start/stop work output, but with all due respect to the tvman, I think I might’ve long since taken that crown! But ultimately, what I’m really trying to say here is be on the lookout for more exciting crossover promotions like the ones with MegaloMania and Shazam!: Fury of the Gods on the horizon as we continue to carve out our own little corner of the SBC Multiverse!

Zeus: Now allow me, as official rights holder of SpongeBrawl, to announce that our next exciting crossover event will be with none other than Cocaine Bear, now available to stream on Peacock! That’s right, SpongeBrawl’s “Back For The Attack!” will feature the debut of our very own Cocaine Sea Bear! What happens when you get one of the apexes of the ocean hopped up on nose candy at a wrestling event? You’ll just have to tune in to find out! All right, you two are yesterday’s news. Get out!

Manny and Sgt. Roderick unceremoniously leaves the scrum.

OMJ: Now to finally conclude the evening, let’s bring out someone who was arguably the star of our show judging from the amount of views his match pulled on YouTube!

Kevin C. Cucumber makes his way, fuming mad.

Kevin: You’re welcome! But I’ll be stung if I let tonight end without getting some answers! So Bubble Bass, you better back that dump truck in here right now you son of a bitch, or I’ll go back there and work up the strength to drag you out here myself!

Bubble Bass literally backs dat ass onto the stage, to much fanfare.

Bubble Bass: Did someone order a legal dumping?

Kevin: Cut the crap, you tub of lard, and enlighten us as to why you abandoned me at the end of our match earlier tonight?!

Bubble Bass: I wouldn’t really call it “abandoning”-

Kevin: You literally turned your back on me and jumped down to the floor when I needed the assist the most!

Bubble Bass: Well if you really must know, I had a Rumble match to participate in afterward. I thought it was best to preserve my body and energy for that.

Kevin: I had to compete in that too, but you didn’t see me leave you hanging out to dry!

Bubble Bass: I am a former Global Champion! I am far above being forced to team with the likes of you anymore.

Kevin: Oh, so that’s what it is? You wanna big league ME?

Bubble Bass: I think most would agree that I am big enough to be in a league all my own! Eeheehee! Eeheeheeh!

Kevin: Big talk coming from a guy who supposedly went into the Rumble with all the energy and preparation in the world, only to get taken out within mere minutes. If even that much!

Bubble Bass: I am not SUITED to such a match! Anyone, and I mean anyone, could easily take advantage of my lack of cardio! It was like pretty much putting a handicap on the best player you’ve got.

Kevin: Well let’s put that theory of yours to the test, because I’m damn sure “Back For The Attack!” And I want your fat ass in an Iron Man Match!

Bubble Bass: How dare you suggest such a thing to me?! That’s an absurd proposition!

Zeus: I think everyone here would eat a match between you two up, but I agree that it can’t be an Iron Man Match.

Bubble Bass: Thank you! Finally, some excellent service around here.

Zeus: You two will face each other in an “Absurd Proposition Match”! The competitor to score the most falls within the 30 minute time limit will be declared the winner!

Bubble Bass That’s just an iron man match with a different name!!

Zeus: A name that we can easily trademark. We’ll see both of you gentlemen when you’re “Back For The Attack!” Surely, that’ll provide you with enough time to work on your cardio until then.

Bubble Bass growls and stomps off. Kevin is pleased with this latest development and confidently trots off to the back.

Zeus: Now to the REAL draw of tonight’s co-main event, SpongeBob SquarePants!

OMJ: SpongeBob, you may have scored a victory alongside your best friend earlier tonight, but the rest of your night seems to be much less than ideal. Your previous pet Gary, lost his match against Larry, forcefully putting Larry into your possession. And since then, Larry has had some choice words directed your way. Care to offer a response?

SpongeBob: The-

Zeus: Holy crap! Yeah! Woo!

SpongeBob is suddenly jumped from behind by four fish, two blue and two brown

???: Meep.

OMJ: Oh dear god! Ladies and gentlemen, as Neptune is witness, it’s The Anchoooviiies!

Three of the anchovies hoist SpongeBob onto the shoulders of their anchovy leader and they proceed to power bomb SpongeBob through the conference table.

Zeus: What’s the meaning of this?! There’s no way in hell that you lot are operating on your own accord! You can’t even come together to form a sentence, let alone formulate calculated attacks! 

OMJ: The anniversary for Help Wanted is coming up on May 1st, after all! 

Zeus: But one thing is for sure, SpongeBrawlers, it seems that The Anchovies are back!

OMJ & Zeus: Back For The Attack!!


SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling will be “Back For The Attack” on May 19th!

Current Match Card (subject to change)

- Patrick vs Squidward in a Winner Takes All Match for the Shazampionship & NWoW Global Title

- SpongeBob and 3 mystery partners vs The Anchovies in a Help Wanted Match

- The Boys Who Cry vs Ghouls Fools and El Pampano in a best of 3 gauntlet

- Bubble Bass vs Kevin C. Cucumber in a 30-Minute Absurd Proposition Match

- The Debut of Cocaine Sea Bear


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Made a pair of special showcase matches to help celebrate SpongeBob’s recent anniversary a lil. Both inspired by the very first SpongeBob episode!


And that concludes our celebration of SpongeBob SquarePants’ 24th anniversary! Come back for the attack when SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling returns with its regularly scheduled program on May 19th, when Cocaine Sea Bear officially joins the SpongeBrawl!!


Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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I’ve been sitting on this for a couple weeks now. It’s Sunday, the traditional day for most major wrestling events. I’m coming off the heels of the Community Deathmatch Anniversary. Let’s just bookend the weekend nicely. Here’s “Back For The Attack!” five days early


And that’s a wrap on “Back For The Attack! featuring Cocaine Sea Bear”! There probably won’t be a full-length scrum like the last time, as fun as that was to write. I just don’t think I can top it atm. WWE 2K22 doesn’t have the Universe Mode feature where you can make your scenes and shit apparently, but I’ll find a way to move the storylines along. The next SpongeBrawl event will be “Fast X Your Seatbelts!” and it will see SpongeBrawl crown a pair of new tag team champions by hosting the first ever Friends & Family Tournament! Here’s how the bracket currently looks for that


Hopefully that screenshot looks better than it does on mobile. I’ve already got the entire tourney in the can, just gotta fill the gaps in with some writing here and there. After the last month or so of focusing entirely on both this and the Deathmatch Anniversary, I need a break for a bit. So “Fast X Your Seatbelts!” will be posted on June 16th. It might even include a kinda in bad taste appearance by The Fast Saga’s very own Brian O’Conner! Or not depending on how the movie turns out. See ya then


Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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Perch Perkins: This is ace reporter Perch Perkins, reporting LIVE from The Winner’s Circle because here at SpongeBrawl Championship Wrestling, everyone's a winner! Win/loss records truly be damned. Case in point, my first guest here this evening is none other than The Bass Kicker, Bubble Bass! Bubble Bass, I think it’s fair to say that you put on a much better effort than most probably expected during your Absurd Proposition Match against, who I assume to now be your former tag team partner, Kevin C. Cucumber. You did somehow manage to work yourself up a surprising 7 falls during the duration of that fateful 15-minute time limit, but ultimately it still came up short to Kevin’s even more impressive 9. You intended for this match to be a return to form of sorts. A declaration that you, as the inaugural Nautical World of Wrestling Global Champion, wanted to back in the title hunt. Does tonight’s loss put a bit of a damper on those plans?


Bubble Bass: I could stand here and say that “no, it absolutely will not”, but it seems I’ve been made to eat a lot of my words as of late. I’m sure everybody here knows that I am a man of refined taste, I don’t force myself to eat just anything.


Perch Perkins: Yes, I’m sure that’s everyone’s first impressions.


Bubble Bass: But I ate defeat 9 times tonight. Fucking 9! I managed to mount a comeback twice and I shit the bed both times! I came into this revival with all the confidence in the world following that last run I had in NWoW. But it seems that what I had in me then, is simply not here with me now.


Perch Perkins: Nothing a few more stolen car keys can’t fix.


Bubble Bass: Quite. But I think it’s time that I actually take a good, long look at the bass in the mirror and make some necessary changes. 


Perch Perkins: What…kinda changes…?


Bubble Bass: BIG changes.


Perch Perkins: Well, I think I speak for everybody when I say “get laid, you literal fucking neckbeard”.


(camera cut)


Perch Perkins: Please welcome my next guest, without a doubt the KING of absurd propositions! He’s Kevin C. Cucumber. Hi Kevin!


Kevin: Hello, loser!


Perch Perkins: Kevin, you just ran circles around a former Global Champion for 15 whole minutes. The folks at home have to know just what’s next for SpongeBrawl’s resident spotter?


Kevin: Well I’ll tell the folks at home exactly what they wanna hear! After that show stealing performance tonight, I’m making it known right here, right now, that I call next dibs for the Shazampionship!


Perch Perkins: Well if you’re calling dibs, who could possibly argue against that?!


Kevin: Absolutely nobody. Nobody else on this roster put on a show here tonight like how I put on a show. The Cocaine Sea Bears showed up and did their thing, but they both lost to some wannabe tough guy with a dad bod and squirrel! A fucking squirrel of all things, literally the size of their fucking paws! That loser, SpongeBob, got pinned by a fucking anchovy and the Boys Who Cry will never measure up to me on the manhood scale. Nobody could follow that opening bout! The show was honestly all downhill from there! Which is why if Zeus and OMJ have enough brain cells left between the both of them, they will grant me my wish and put me next in line for the next big money main event! Everybody wants to say hi to Kevin, I am a godsend, a proven draw that can and will put tailfins in seats. Just give me the match so that SpongeBrawl can finally have a champion that everybody will be proud of! Thank you, get zapped, BYE!


Perch Perkins: Well, you heard ‘em, folks. Get fucking zapped!


(camera cut)


Perch Perkins: Well, I’m unable to get a word from Link and Cal Kestis for obvious legal reasons, but here’s The Super Weenies. First and foremost, dunking on EA is like fucking child’s play at this point. Everyone and their grandmothers could dunk on EA if they wanted to, so don’t be too proud of yourself there Marvin, but Nintendo tho. They’re infamous, I think we’re all aware about the ninjas. I can’t even pretend to be unimpressed by it. It really is quite the accomplishment for you incels!


Weenie Bot: Well Perch, judging from current events, I think it has become clear that machines are capable of doing everything. The video game industry is no different. I have reduced Nintendo to being a mere stepping stone in my rise to power. I’ve taken these two and made them into warriors because that was merely the task I was given heading into this little revival. If I can lead these nerds to such impossible heights, just imagine what I can be capable of doing to the entire world. Next month, the It’s All About Family shall take place and The Super Weenies are the odds on favorites to win it all and take home the gold.


Perch Perkins: Well you all have your work cut out for you because your first opponents will be none other than the wild card team of Reg and Sandy.


Weenie Bot: Irrelevant. Meat Sack 1 aka Wayne single handedly eliminated Sandy from the SpongeBrawl Rumble and Meat Sack 2 aka Marvin was the one who quite literally ran Larry the Lobster out of the company when he eliminated him in that very same match. Not to mention that our compatibility levels far exceed any that’s been so far displayed by Reg and Sandy. Their egos and bravado have doomed them to fail before the match can even start. And the other teams will be met with very similar results, I assure you. And with that, The Super Weenies are far and away the strongest familial unit in this tournament, therefore the winners have already been decided. And with that, I believe this interview has concluded. Thank you, Mr. Perkins. Realistic Fish Head has nothing on you.


Perch Perkins: Well I, for one, welcome our new machine overlords!


(camera cut)


Cameras catch the Cocaine Sea Bears escaping their confinements and escaping into the city.


Perch Perkins: Well that’s sure as shit a “This just in” moment if I ever saw one.


(camera cut)


Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m currently awkwardly standing between an unstoppable force and an immovable object! Fucking help me!


Sandy: Give me my rematch, you overgrown crawdad without a shell!


Reg: I already clapped your cheeks one time. I climbed that mountain. It’s over. Done.


Sandy: Sounds like you’re on some Weenie shit right now, I reckon!


 Reg: Not some Weenie shit. Just some nothing left to prove to you shit! So just go home and cry to your pa. There ain’t gonna be no rematch!


Sandy: You looked like a bloated pasty bitch out there against your white powder sugar bear! I had mine beat in half the time as yours!


Reg: And for that, you earned your flowers. Congratulations, you’re tough enough for the Salty Spitoon! But you’re still not SO tough.


Sandy: And what’s that supposed to mean?!




Perch Perkins: Gentlemen please, there’ll be plenty of time to keep building your sexual tension when this interview is over! But right now, I think you two have much more pressing issues on your hands.


Sandy & Reg: Like what?!


Perch Perkins: You both didn’t know? You’ve been thrown together to compete in the It’s All About Family Tournament where the winners will be crowned our first ever tag team champions.


Reg: Says who?!


Perch Perkins: Says the Wrestle Lord, himself!


Sandy: That’s a load of cow manure!


Reg: More like a load of bull shit if you ask me!


Sandy: I’m glad we can agree on that much!


Reg: You wanna kick the ass of everybody in this tournament as a way of showing our displeasure about this predicament?!


Sandy: You don’t have to fucking ask me twice!


Reg: Then let’s bang!


Perch Perkins: Neptune help us all.


(camera cut)


Cameras catch Zeus the Wrestle Lord dressing down his biggest acquisition, Scooter the Surfer.


Zeus: I bent over backwards for you! I gave you my seal of approval, my personal endorsement! And you go out there and waste all of it!


Scooter: Duude, I-


Zeus: Your performance out there was “dood” alright, fuckin’ DOODY! The Jumbo Shrimp is a goddamn jabroni! Who loses to the Jumbo Shrimp! Seriously, I’m asking for a friend?! Did I really have to hand feed you just The Shrimp to get some decent ass results?! I gave you an opportunity to give me my mom’s money’s worth and you fuckin’ failed me! You burnout, you fuckin’ beach rat! I could fire you, but that would be too damn easy. You’re gonna be doing the job for as long as your BIG MONEY CONTRACT allows! Go do something useful and catch some waves you complete, utter failure! That’s all you seem to be good for! Fuckin’ one note ass character!


Scooter: Duuuude…


Zeus: If you scored a victory for each time you’ve said “dude”, that would just be fuckin’ great now wouldn’t it!


Scooter slinks away somberly. Zeus stomps into his office.


Zeus: It would seem that my search is not yet over.


Perch Perkins: *whispers* Looks like there’s some trouble in Scooter’s Paradise. 


The camera simply shakes in disapproval.


Perch Perkins: No? Ok…


(camera cut)


Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here ON LOCATION with The Shrimps themselves! Jumbo, needless to say, it appears you threw a sizable monkey wrench in the aspirations of the Wrestle Lord here tonight!


Jumbo Shrimp: As a super villain, it’s usually my plans that are being foiled. It feels kinda nice to do the foiling for once.


Perch Perkins: could this new little arrangement you and Shrimp have here lead to a possibly more heroic run this time around?


Shrimp: I sure hope it-


Jumbo Shrimp: FUCK NO!


Shrimp: W-What?


Jumbo Shrimp: Don’t get it twisted, I’m only doing this as a favor to this girl I have on the side. You see, Shrimp is her brother. *whispers* He's kind of an embarrassment. True story.


Perch Perkins: You’re doing Neptune’s work, Jumbo Shrimp!


Jumbo Shrimp: NO I FUCKING AM NOT! Do I need to rip that toupee off to prove a fuckin point here!


Perch Perkins: No, sir! That won’t be necessary. And this isn’t a toupee so that would be impossible, even with your amazing strength!


Shrimp: Don’t I get a say here-


Jumbo Shrimp: Get lost, Shrimp! I know you’re gonna bring up the fact that we’re gonna be in the tag title tourney so let’s just get to it.


Perch Perkins: Ok. Any thoughts on your chances, I guess?


Jumbo Shrimp: Usually our chances would be fuckin 0 because this sorry sack of crap sucks that damn much. I mean, look at him! No definition to speak of! He needs to be allowed in as many restaurants as he can because he needs whatever he can get to add some weight to that pinprick frame! But him teaming up with me automatically raises our chance up to 50%, and when you add each of the 24 inch pythons to the mix, our chances drastic go up to 75 and one-fourths chance! And when you take into account every other teams’ low chances of winning and adding that up, the other teams have a combined 24 and three-fourths chance of winning! Which means that their remaining 74 and one-fourths chance of losing gets added to our 75 and one-fourths chance of winning, bring The Shrimps to a grand total of 149.02% chance of us winning! And the numbers, Perch, don't lie!


Perch Perkins: I mean, it all adds up, folks.


(camera cut)


Joey: ¡Adios, maestro!


Johnny: You lived a good life!


Jesse: Paradise awaits!


Perch Perkins: Scooter’s Paradise?


Boys Who Cry: What??


Perch Perkins: Nevermind, I suck. What’s going on here, boys?


Joey: We were just saying our final farewells to El Pampano!


Perch Perkins: Oh, so that actually worked out then? No strings attached?


Johnny: We escorted him to the gates of heaven, ourselves!


Jesse: Yeah, Saint Peter’s a pretty chill dude once you get past the formalities!


Perch Perkins: So it’s onward and upward from here then?


Joey: You know it!


Perch Perkins: Tag Team Championship City, huh?!


Boys Who Cry: It’s all about the tag team championships, girl! On your 16th birthday!


Perch Perkins: That’s the spirit! So Jesse, why did you try interfering in Joey’s match earlier?


Jesse: Perch, I don’t think that really matters. I mean, we won, right!


Perch Perkins: I’m just saying, it was an odd play. Why go for such an odd play? None of the ghouls tried running interference in each other’s matches, nor did Johnny with any of you. I’m sure you had your very specific reasons. Did you think that Joey might’ve needed the extra help to win?


Jesse: I think you might need a little extra help if you don’t cook it with the third degree.


Joey: Now that you mention it, Perch, that all was kind of weird. Why did you do that, Jesse?


Jesse: No particular reason. I just wanted to-


Joey: Did you really think I was gonna lose?


Jesse: I mean, you kinda did.


Joey: Because you being there kinda took me off guard.


Jesse: I only gave you a huge opening that you kinda blew.


Joey: So you were trying to make sure that I win!


Jesse: Look, it’s over. We won in the end. Let’s just drop it, for Pampano’s sake.


Joey: Don’t use maestro to try and deflect this, Jess!


Perch Perkins: Do you think Joey is the weak link of the trio, Jesse?


Johnny: What’s with these questions right now, man?!


Perch Perkins: I’m a reporter, it’s what I do.


Johnny: True that, true that.


Joey: Answer him, Jess. Do you really think I’m the weakest link?


Perch Perkins: The folks at home want to know, Jesse. Is this why Joey isn’t competing in the It’s All About Family Tournament while you and Johnny are?


Jesse: What do you think, Perch, you jackoff?!


Perch Perkins: This isn’t about me right now. This is about you and how you view a certain member of your band.


Johnny: He’s a reporter, man, it’s what he do!


Jesse: Johnny, don’t encourage him!


Joey: No, please encourage him, Johnny. Maybe that way, we’ll get some real answers!


Jesse: Look, you were about to lose, all right. I did what I had to do for our team, for Pampano. We didn’t really need a losing start. I didn’t want The Dutchman one-on-one anymore than you wanted Poltergeist!


Joey: And yet you still ended up rising to the occasion when I didn’t.


Jesse: You blew a pretty big window of opportunity out there tonight! What more do you want me to say, man?


Joey: Don’t worry, that’s plenty enough.


Joey storms off, feeling embarrassed and dejected.


Johnny: That’s that good, honest reporting that we love. Thanks for bringing us that exclusive here first, Perch!


Perch Perkins: It’s what I do!


Jesse: Turn the camera off. Now!


(camera cut)


Cameras catch The Ghouls Fools arguing in the arena’s boiler room.


Lord Poltergeist: How?! How could you lose to the same boy band member TWICE!?!?


Flying Dutchman: I gravely underestimated him. I won’t let that happen again.


Lord Poltergeist: There’s underestimating and then there’s just plain sucking chode!


Flying Dutchman: You call THAT sucking chode?!


Lord Poltergeist: I’d call it something worse if I could come up with something worse! I carried the weight this entire time! They tried to get the jump on me with the dishonorable numbers game, but I still went and delivered them that first L!  I knew we shouldn’t have put so much stock into that Pampano. He probably threw the match on purpose!


Flying Dutchman: If he did, his soul would’ve burnt to a crisp on the spot!


Lord Poltergeist: If we had somebody from MY crew in his place, that abomination of a match wouldn’t’ve had to happen! We could’ve gotten a clean sweep!


Flying Dutchman: Someone from that piss poor skeleton crew of yours?! Don’t make me laugh!


Lord Poltergeist: It’s more than can be said about the sorry excuse that is YOUR crew! Nothing but a bunch of department store workers! A boy really would’ve been the logical next step to recruit! You could’ve had them shill your newest fragrance; The Sweet Smell of Fucking Up Majorly!


Flying Dutchman: Who leaked you that?! That release was supposed to be too secret!


Lord Poltergeist: Look at us! We’re supposed to be good and scary!  Now we’re getting our ghostly asses handed to us by yesteryear’s top selling artists! This charade ends now!


Lord Poltergeist uses his ghost powers to bring the cameraman forward to them.


Perch Perkins: eep!


Flying Dutchman: What be the meaning of this?!


Lord Poltergeist: Sending a message!


Poltergeist uses his powers to snap the cameraman’s neck on the spot, twisting his head a complete 180.


Lord Poltergeist: Let’s see somebody make a “oh, the cameraman always survives” joke after that! From here on out, EVERYBODY DIES!


The cameraman’s ghost leaves his body and picks the camera back up.


Perch Perkins: Good, I thought I had to film the rest of this myself. You’re dedicated to your work, I can respect that!


Flying Dutchman: Arr! Who else be spyin’ on The Flying Dutchman?!


Perch Perkins: Let’s get the fuck outta here!


(camera cuts)


Perch Perkins: The seeds of dissent that you requested to have planted has been sowed, my sugar daddy!


Squilliam: Excellent work, peasant! Perhaps now, Squidward actually has a chance of carrying his part of the team. He couldn’t even carry himself to victory against that unsightly starfish! Here’s your payment. And I threw a little extra in there, so you can go buy yourself a woman for the night and give that hand of yours a rest.


Perch Perkins: That’s very considerate of you, Mr. Fancyson!


Squilliam: If I’m being forced into pretty much gifting Squiddy with gold by winning this little tourney, I may as well keep spreading the wealth. Continue helping those far less fortunate than I! Quick question.


Perch Perkins: Yes, my sugar daddy?


Squilliam: Is that camaeraman fucking dead?


Perch Perkins: Yez, my sugar daddy.


Squilliam: Like, dead-dead?


Perch Perkins: As limp as Squidward’s nose dick.


Squilliam: What the fuck did you to him, Perch? Make him choke on your dick?!


Perch Perkins: Oh, if only!


Squilliam: Right, because doing so would require one in the first place.


(camera cut)


Cameras catch the moment Old Man Jenkins gets jumped backstage.


Perch Perkins: Oh dear Neptune! Old Man Jenkins is being assaulted! Somebody needs to get out here and stop this quick!


(two minutes later)


Perch Perkins: I don’t think anybody’s coming. Quick, you go get in there!


Cameraman’s Ghost: What the hell am I supposed to do?! I’m already dead!


Perch Perkins: You’re holding a solid object, aren’t you? Can’t you just, I don’t know, Patrick Swayze this shit?!


(camera cut)


Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, “The Incomparable” Squidward!


Squidward: Alright Perch, let’s get it all out now! Squidward sucked eggs!


Perch Perkins: Squidward Sucks Eggs! Squidward Sucks Eggs! Okay, I think that’s a wrap!


Squidward: Wait, wha-


(camera cut)


Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you The Star of the Show! He is the reigning, defending, UNDISPUTED Shazampion, Patrick Star!


Patrick: It’s funny, I don’t really feel like “the star of the show” if I still get second billing even as Shazampion.


Perch Perkins: I don’t quite follow-


Patrick: My championship unification match was second to last on the show.


Perch Perkins: Second only to SpongeBob!


Patrick: But champions should always be the featured attraction, therefore they should get top billing at the top of the card.


Perch Perkins: But at least you’re still the Shazampion! SpongeBob currently can’t say that he’s even so much as held a single title once. And that, I think, is where the real value and difference lies.


Patrick: So he’s a bigger star than me even without having ever won a title?


Perch Perkins: Look, you’re really making this harder for yourself than it needs to be.


Patrick: You were coming in hot with the third degree earlier. Why can’t I? I mean, I’m Shazampion right. Are you saying that you get handed opportunities to do stuff that even the Shazampion doesn’t?


Perch Perkins: I’m just a reporter, sir.


Patrick: And I’m the goddamn Shazampion.


Perch Perkins: That, you most certainly are! 


Patrick: It’s starting to not feel like it.


Perch Perkins: Can I just get some hype going for your next potential title defense already?


Patrick: Well hype away! I mean, it’s only gonna be second-to-last on the card!


Perch Perkins: Well, earlier tonight Kevin C. Cucumber called dibs on the next title opportunity, and I think he pleads a pretty strong case after the match he had tonight.


Patrick: Tell him it’s granted.


Perch Perkins: You want the match?


Patrick: Why not? Maybe then, people will have to start taking me more seriously around here. But don’t let me eat up all your time, Perch. I’m sure you have more important people to speak with.


Perch Perkins: Well, now that you mentioned it


(camera cut)


Anchovy 1: Meep.


Anchovy 2: Meep.


Anchovy 3: Mep.


Anchovy 4: Mm-meep.


Perch Perkins: Really fucking illuminating, guys.


(camera cut)


Perch Perkins: Ladies and gentlemen, you know em, you love em, you can’t get enough of em! They’re The Biggest Losers on the Beach!


SpongeBob: Hey Perch!


Perch Perkins: Well hey Perch, indeed! SpongeBob, this is the first time the four of you have reunited in about 24 years! How did you finally get this reunion to happen?!


SpongeBob: Well Perch, it was initially a long and arduous recruitment process. When I was holding open auditions, the main thing I was looking for was perseverance! You know, with the people looking for the chance to break through, I tried sanding them, burying them and burning them! But then I realized that I had all those positive qualities by my side before I threw these guys out of my life! A couple ring-a-dings later, we all got back together and put on a real show just like old times!


Perch Perkins: Dexter Blubbuns, I just have to ask, were those YOUR buns that you were throwing out into the crowd earlier.


Dexter: They sure were. If I have to live with sand in my buns, then everybody else should too!


Perch Perkins: And Evelyn Sunburst, I see spray tanning was not the way to go heading into tonight’s match!


Evelyn: The possible skin cancer will be worth it in the end, I think!


Perch Perkins: I think so too! Oh and you!


Perch immediately forgets Frank is even there.


Perch: So what’s next for you losers now that The Anchovies are firmly in the rear view mirror? The two of you aren’t entered into the tag team tourney. It seems that only SpongeBob is.


Dexter: We’re just here to bring awareness to losers everywhere.


Evelyn: Yeah, we’re here and we’re people too!


Frank: You said it, gu-


SpongeBob: We wanna become something that the folks at home can really strive to be after watching this program! Not everybody can be champions, and that’s okay! But EVERYBODY can be the biggest loser on the beach! 


Perch Perkins: SpongeBob, speaking of champions, you have a shot at becoming one-half of SpongeBrawl’s first ever tag team champions at “Fast X Your Seatbelts”! But rather unfortunately, you have yourself a partner that you might not fully see eye to eye with.


SpongeBob: Larry the Snail, I know.


Perch Perkins: How do you think that affects your chances heading into this?


SpongeBob: Well, I sure as hell wanna win some gold for the first time in my wrestling career. And I know Larry wants the same for himself just as much. I know he’s had some outrageous things to say last month. And he and I will both cross that bridge in due time, but if he’s willing to put aside his pride and all that extra bullshit for this one night, I think we’ll have as good a chance as anybody! We’re contractually obligated to be like family now, and I’m willing to try and make it work. He just needs to put that same effort in too. F is for Friends that do stuff together, but F is also for family that gets things done! So let’s get this shit done.


Perch Perkins: And there you have it, folks! Thank you all so much for joining me on this wild and crazy evening in this wacky world that we call professional wrestling! We hope you join us again next month! Just be sure to Fast X Your Seatbelts! This is Perch Perkins, signing off.


(camera cuts)


We get an interior shot of the Bikini Bottom Police Station. The office is busy as reports are being filed. A lone stranger steps into the building and approaches the front desk.


Front Office Officer: Can I help you with something, sir?


???: Yeah, I’m here to pay Mrs. Poppy Puff a visit.


Front Office Officer: And what’s your relationship with her?


???: I’m a close family friend.


Front Office Officer: And your name?


???: The name’s Dennis.


Front Office Officer: Dennis? Dennis…I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid you’re not on the-


Dennis slits the Front Office Officer’s throat with a knife. The Secretary gargles on their own blood as they stumble back and fall to the ground, but not before Dennis manages to swipe their gun. The rest of the officers see this and engage the intruder. Shots ring out and slashes can be heard before Dennis enters the holding area, covered in blood. He personally kills every jailbird he sees, checking them thoroughly to make sure he gets his target. The final cell contains someone lying in bed. Dennis fires off a couple shots before breaking inside and stabbing the body repeatedly for good measure. He removes the blanket to find out that it’s simply just a potato in Puff’s place. Dennis investigates under the bed and see that Puff did the whole cliche digging her way out of jail thing and nobody in the station seemed to notice. A voice is heard coming from the potato through an installed microphone.


Puff: I knew he’d sent you to do his dirty work for him. If he wants me, tell him he’s gonna have to come get me himself.


Dennis: I’m afraid that isn’t an option for you, Poppy.


Puff: Oh, and if you’re trying to reply back right now. This microphone only works one way…so stop talking to yourself!


The potato puff explodes upon the completion of that supposed one-liner. But unfortunately, Dennis was already outside, clear of the blast by the time Puff finished her dialogue


Dennis: *startled* What the hell was that?!


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Posting this now because I don’t want it to clash with the Riffing Theater’s 10th anniversary, that deserves all the time and the space in the world. This page is also starting to crash a lot on me now, and I can only assume it has to do with all the embedded video links (hence why I edited spoiler tags with playlist links into every previous post). So I guess to help alleviate that pressure on this poor ol’ page of mine, I’ll just share this link to the latest Fast X Your Seat Belts! video playlist, in which you can watch the entire show in order! And all the info and context you need for each match will be in their respective descriptions. Witness history as SpongeBrawl crowns its first ever pair of tag team champions in the It’s All About Family Tournament! Brought to you by Fast X, still playing in theaters and now available on digital and on demand!




Our next show, “Summer Segway”, will be up in 2 weeks time. And as the name suggests, it’ll serve as a segue into our grand “Brawlin’ Summer” series. More info on that will be revealed when Summer Segway drops, but it’s currently shaping up to be SpongeBrawl’s biggest outing yet!

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It’s the official start of SpongeBrawl’s summer celebration, culminating in a 30-brawler battle royale to determine who will ride home on their very own summer segway!

ALRIGHT @Mr. Krabs! Enjoy your new mode of transport! Not like you couldn’t afford one on your own. Just wrestle the prize out of the hands of a character who could’ve really used it. Just don’t flip it on eBay.

Anyways, will hopefully have Brawlin’ Summer all ready to go by next week. It’s the biggest SpongeBrawl event yet; spanning multiple nights and maybe even weeks! Who knows!? I’d gonna be a Brawlin’ Summer ALL THE WAY! The SpongeBrawl faithful will be eating good in July. SpongeBrawl will hold its first ever “Big One Classic”! Who will go on to win The Big One and challenge Patrick for the Shazampionship by Brawlin’ Summer’s end? We will also crown a brand new Champion of Wumbology, as well as Dominic Toretto and Luke Hobbs keeping the Fast X festivities going well into the Brawlin’ Summer! Watch as they continue to mix up with the best that SpongeBrawl has to offer!

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it’s the 4th of July, you know what that means! If my last count was accurate, there are a whopping 111 matches currently in the pipeline for this Brawlin’ Summer event. Maybe not all of them will get to see the light of a summer’s day, but rest assured that there will be plenty of beach brawls to be had by Brawlin’ Summer’s end! I went into this thinking it’d be the final hurrah for this anniversary project. That more than likely won’t be the case going forward (I can only let this die happy once it has a Halloween episode in the tape library). But I hope you enjoy me going all out for this summer shit anyway!


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Day 3 of Brawlin’ Summer features the first ever meeting of Larry the Lobster and Scooter the Surfer as they collide to decide who moves on to the final round of Bracket A! Elsewhere on the card, Pearl and Grubby Grouper teams up for the first time ever and The WEENIEBOT pulls double duty!


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Day 4 of Brawlin’ Summer features Reg and Squidward both vying for the right to face Scooter in the Bracket A Finals! Elsewhere on the card, it’s a clash of Boys Who Cry, Craig Mammalton faces his biggest match yet and Larry the Lobster finds himself stuck between The Rock and a hard place!


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After a weekend break, we back baybee. Day 5 of Brawlin’ Summer featured the much anticipated A Bracket finals between Scooter the Surfer and Squidward Tentacles! Elsewhere on the card, Boys Who Cry each have their own beach trials to tackle, Mr. Krabs once again finds himself caught in The Dutchman’s Triangle and it’s an all-out beach battle between all sides of the law!


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Day 6 features the beginnings of The Big One’s B Bracket, which will see Tony Fast Jr. looking avenge his previous loss to Dominic Toretto, as well as Sandy Cheeks facing off against Lord Poltergeist for the first time! Elsewhere on the card, Syd the Crack Head goes at it alone when dealing with a threat to his operation, we celebrate Shark Week by having Manny Mangrove take on Pearl and Kevin C. Cucumber doesn’t give a fuck about surf etiquette!


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Day 7 features the second half of B Bracket’s opening rounds, which will see Squilliam Fancyson III taking on Modern Man Jenkins and Mermaid Man trying to sway SpongeBob from the path of vengeance! Elsewhere on the card, Tournament of Wumbo kicks off, Larry the Lobster is next to step up to the plate against Armor Abs Krabs and Plankton is also out for robotic revenge but for very different reasons!


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