Old Man Jenkins Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!!! Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem #2 The first edition of Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem opens up to our new host. Karen: You have been blessed by the ssj gods with a new host, me! Friendship is Magic has unveiled themselves, The Content Destroyer destroys even more content, and tonight, Community Deathmatch has crowned itself a brand new champion! We will be discussing all that and more, here tonight on the second edition of Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem! @Karen: Hello, and welcome, to the only after show party on SBC! It appears that an untimely demise was more than enough for Tyeam to keep finally keep her promise of leaving, so I will be your host, at least until she decides to come back! Unfortunately, Guano will not be just joining us at the panel here, so to help fill in the void, I've managed to get someone on board who I value very much, my husbando- @Plankton: I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU, YOU INSIGNIFICANT SPECKS! FUCK YOU! It's feels nice not having a filter. Karen: And also joining us to provide his expert analysis on the recent Deathmatch haps, he is the former director-in-chief of the SpongeBob Community, the tvrepairman! Tvguy: Actually, I prefer "pannel". Karen: Yes, well! Our first topic of discussion here this evening is what's next for Friendship is Magic after such a strong showing against The Todd Squad? Plankton: Fryiendship? Why, that's completely idiotic! I hope they drop dead! By my hands, preferably. Tvguy: Metal Snake and I haven't always seen eye to eye. To be honest, he's kind of a moron, really. But this new "friendship" he's got going on here with Spongetron, well, I can really get behind. Karen: You don't really mean that? Tvguy: Oh, but I do. It takes a lot to get me to invest in something, hell, I can barely even invest myself into my own works, but Friendship is Magic! Well, I don't know exactly what it is about them, but they're really pulling me in! I guess maybe it's because their friendship is seen as such a taboo to quite a few people on here. Taboo creates controversy, and you know, it's like I've always believed in, controversy creates activity! Now that aside, I truly believe that the bond between the two is actually genuine. Genuine enough to get me to wanna invest! It's just in the eye of the beholder whether or not people want to perceive it as being platonic or sexual in nature. Karen: Tho you can't help but lean more towards the sexual side with some of the things they say, mostly on tron's end. Why, she even asked if Metal Snake likes the fact that she fantasizes about him while she was helping tend to the wounds he had received during Tron's Deathmatch with Katniss. Plankton: Well, I fantasize about ruling the world with an iron fist and that's not sexual. Tvguy: I am willing to bet all my shares in SBC that you fantasize about iron fisting the world. Plankton: Well, sometimes... Karen: So that's what you're thinking about when we're in bed?! Plankton: Doing the same to you and getting electrocuted on contact just isn't doing it for me anymore! Tvguy: And this proves exactly why my theory of "Hot & Sexy wins the race" has some meat to it! Karen: Pause on that, but please, elaborate. Tvguy: People, no matter how clean they want to think they are, no matter how much of sound mind they believe themselves to be, are always inclined to delve back into the darker portions of their minds when confronted with relationships such as these. Just look at OMJ and Aya for example. They spent a lot of their time together, and people took quick notice of it, myself included, and those same people demanded that they should just "fuck already". And what did OMJ and Aya do in response to that public outcry. Each other, of course! And they did it more times than I could count! And you know what, they became even bigger names here because of it. OMJ has more than cemented his legacy, and look at Aya right now, the champion of the SpongeBob Universe! Which I should really work on trademarking one of these days. Now take a closer look at Tron and Metal's recent endeavors since getting together. Tron just had one of the most hyped up debuts out of everybody, except for maybe Crushing, here on Community Deathmatch, but the thing that separates her and Crushing's is that she actually won. And look at who Crushing lost to; Aya! This past awards season, Metal Snake actually won an award. I repeat, METAL SNAKE WON AN AWARD! If that's not enough to tell you that Hot & Sexy Wins The Race, then I don't know what the fuck would! Karen: So, you're saying that they should officially consummate their relationship in order to get themselves over even further ahead here on both the SpongeBob Community as well as Community Deathmatch? Tvguy: It's a very extreme, dirty business practice, I know, but it is one that's clinically proven to work. Karen: But there's a huge age difference there! It's nowhere near the whole OMJ/Aya situation! Tvguy: Need I remind you just how long Aya spent in high school in comparison to the age that she's given us before? Wake up, honey, she fucking lied! That's a dirty move in and of itself, but it worked! Karen: This is just getting too ridiculous to even discuss anymore, it's just out of the question. Tvguy: What you call "ridiculous", I call giving the members here the tools necessary to succeed in this business! Karen: Yeah, well, this is still a SpongeBob fansite last I googled. Changing the subject, Renegade got himself involved, stuck his dick where it clearly did not belonged, even going so far as to attack Wumbo while he was grieving. Any of you care to give your "thoughts?" Plankton: That's just maniacal! I approve! Tvguy: It should certainly be no surprise by now just how much I loathe Wumbo's very presence here, we did face off in the first-ever Deathmatch, after all. But speaking as a human being, as well as a close co-worker of his on here, I'd say that couldn't have happened to a more unpleasant guy. Controversy creates activity, and whether he's even aware of it or not, Renegade is playing that up to a tee. If he keeps playing his cards like this, he could very well be on the fast track to becoming a future SpongeBob Universal Champion later on down the road. He's got presence, he has a defining character. His entrance is one of the most over entrances in Deathmatch history! It'd be a real shame if he didn't get to live up to all that untapped potential. Karen: His quarrel with Wumbo aside, there appears to be some bad blood brewing between him, Spongetron and Metal Snake as well. I think most people on here are well are of the strong dislike Spongetron has towards Ren and the strong like she and Ren both have towards Metal Snake. Metal Snake is, without a doubt, one of the few people who can actually tolerate and even humors Ren in his many convoluted endeavors. Is this just a hot mess just waiting to happen? Plankton: Oh, absolutely. As an esteemed chemist, there a lot of combustible elements at play here. It's just a matter of which combination of events will result in maximum damage! I'll keep my eye open to how this one will play out, that's for damn sure. Tvguy: Of course it's a hot mess waiting to happen. Any moron with or without an SBC account can tell that's the only way this is gonna go down. But the thing about this "hot mess" in particular, is that it's already red hot, but it also has great potential to be sexy. Karen: Oh dear Neptune, not this again. Tvguy: This could end up being beneficial for everyone involved, Tron, Luke, Ren! They just gotta learn to play with each other well enough to completely maximize their profit. And that's all I'll say on the matter for now. ???: Mind if I cut in? Wumbo marches onto the set, holding an ice pack to his jaw. He pushes Tvguy off to the side and grabs hold of his mic. Wumbo: Ren, if you wanted to pick a fight with me so bad, you should've just given us your opinion on the KKK. But now, you've gone and made things personal, you dumb, overprivileged son of a bitch. If you think saying that black people should embrace one of the darkest times in your country's history as a friendly reminder for what they have today dug yourself a deep enough hole, think again. Because I'm gonna tear you apart like the precious little snowflake that YOU really are, you walking 1860s period piece of shit! Wumbo throws the mic back at tvguy before making his exit, leaving the panel stunned. Karen: Well, I think it's safe to say that we have another Deathmatch on our hands in the near future! Wow, talk about intense. An impassioned Wumbo laying down the challenge right here on Post-Mortem! Tvguy: That's the Wumbo that I know I hate Karen: Switching gears now, holy shit, that was that Dudley Do-Right, right there. Woooowww! Plankton: Okay Karen, settle down. He can't even stand you. Karen: Um, moving onto the next order of business! "The Content Destroyer" Angry Koopa has just gone on a tear since coming to the harsh realization that his content sucked. And now, he's claimed another victim in Illini-guy! Do either of you see any end in sight for The Destroyer's path of destruction? Plankton: I can only see it ending with me taking over everything that's been left and subjugating any and all survivors to my will! Tvguy: I don't even know who the fuck this is. Moving on, please Karen: Alright, moving on. The creator of Community Deathmatch himself, Old Man Jenkins, straight up just went down to the ring and called out our current director-in-chief, jjsthekid, in order to confront him about jjs' recent actions taken in regards to dealing with the Homie/cbox situation. OMJ took none too kindly to what he considered close friend and confidante taking advantage of that trust and using his cbox to spread such hate and venom throughout the entire community. Jjs defended himself, claiming that all he had done was for the betterment of our community. Do either of you agree with jjs' mindset? Was he justified? Plankton: Real talk coming from an evil genius who's bent on taking over the world here. What jjs did was just completely diabolical. That is saying a lot. And beyond just this whole thing with Homie, hilaryfan80 and the cbox, he even had his best friend brutally, and I mean brutally, beat down one of the most kind-hearted souls signed up here in Cream. Their actions made for some of the hardest things to watch in Deathmatch's history. And I just loved every minute of it! the complete, lack of compassion and understanding of all sides involved! It's such a joy to behold, really. Is he justified in his actions? Well, I'm sure it's justified in his mind. And that's what makes being evil so much fun! Tvguy: Speaking as a former director-in-chief, myself, I do believe that jjs is justified to an extent. One of our long-standing red flag rules here is thou shalt not trash the site or its staff, which Homie hardly abided by in her early days. And was she ever really punished for it? No, not really. Like jjs said, in a rare show of mercy, they just gave her a slap on the wrist. But like jjs also said, that slap on the wrist was based on a lie that Homie concocted since day one. It made the staff look foolish, like morons, even. Had I been director, I probably would've wanted my pound of flesh too. Of course, knowing me, you all know how up front I can be. I used to trash other sites that I was advertising SBC on, after all. I wouldn't hide behind some chat widget to carry out administrative action. Now, contrary to what jjs did say, he still lied to his community at first before coming right out with it. That's gonna turn some people away. When I was director, I made my opinions felt. I called all the Good Noodles fucking "morons", and rightfully so. I must admit, jjs is starting to come along well in his position of power in the years following the TV Regime. I just hope he works on the execution for next time. Karen: And now, OMJ is inserting himself into this picture and it sure seems like he wants that long-awaited Deathmatch with jjs! But why should I have to explain it all to you when we have the Old Man right LIVE in-studio! Welcome, welcome! OMJ walks onto the set and takes a seat between Plankton and tvguy. OMJ: Yes, thank you for having me on my own show! Quite the honor. Karen: Yeah, don't mention it! OMJ, your war of words with jjs has gotten some in the community buzzing about whether or not this dream Deathmatch is finally gonna happen! OMJ: Yeah, I sure do really hope it does. It seems pretty inevitable at this point, despite jjs' "best" attempts at ignoring it. But you know, that's the just the thing with jjs. He's just really ignorant to a lot of things. I mean, I know Community Deathmatch is hardly any help in keeping the SBC-Team Rage peace, but neither does raiding the dude's site. I mean, come on. You didn't see any disclaimer on that greatest hit of SBC. He can tout about the success of forum events all he wants, but that's still not gonna help any with the cancer that HE afflicted the community with the moment he decided to hide in my cbox. So yeah, I really do hope he turns around on this because in order to beat cancer, you have to fight it and that's exactly what I plan to do, whether he wants to or not. That's all I can really say on the subject until he finally decides to grow a pair of balls. So yeah, sorry. OMJ drops the mic and leaves, leaving the panel stunned. again. Tvguy: And that's Hot & Sexy wins the race, mothrafuckers Karen: Old Man Jenkins certainly holding nothing back in his campaign to make OMJ v Jjs a reality! Goddamn, how will jjs respond? Plankton: Can he even even respond? Karen: Which now brings us to the last item on our agenda, holy fucking shit. We have an all-new SpongeBob Universal Champion! In a night that was built up entirely around the in-ring debut of Crushing Mayhem, we were left off at a complete and utter shock to the system, as The Great Aya, making her own return to the squared circle, threw a monkey wrench in the festivities to secure both the win and the newly-introduced SpongeBob Universal Title! What are your reactions following such a shocking ending, because I'm pretty sure everybody was banking on The Good Guy to walk out victorious. Plankton: Ew, good. Well it sure is "good" that that didn't happen! Mwahahaha! Tvguy: I've worked with Crushing, I know Crushing, and he very well had that Deathmatch in the bag. Only after Cha made her presence known, did Aya regained her chance at winning. Because she started off incredibly strong, sneak attacking with the chair and mounting up the punishment in the early goings, but it was that much tout-about high level of activity of The Good Guy that turned the tide in his favor as the match went on. But all in all, this is just another example as to why Karen & Tvguy: Hot & Sexy Wins The Race! Karen: Yes, we know. We can't quite receive direct word from The Good Guy, himself, at this time, but we did manage to receive this personal message from beyond the grave in scenic JCM's ask thread! And I quote, "I'm feeling quite below average at this time. I feel as if I let the members of the community down, the people of Puerto Rico down, but most of all, I feel as though I've let myself down. But I understand that I wasn't quite in the right mindset heading into this match after taking such significant damage from a hurricane. I promise that I will make repairs to my Internet so that I can be back in good posting shape in time for the Six-Way Most Active User Title deathmatch, but I make no promises." Crushing sure as hell still showing that never say die spirit even in death. You can't help but admire that about the man. But speaking of "The Man", we have LIVE in-studio right now! The Man, The Architect of TBC, your new SpongeBob Universal Champion, The Great Aya! Aya walks out with both a huge chip and the Universal title on her shoulder before taking a seat between Karen and Plankton. Aya: You guys just missed out on the character interaction of a lifetime. I was just back there shoving my newly won SpongeBob Universal Title and my Senior Moderator of SBM title in OMJ's face. It was classic! You dweebs really missed out on a Deathmatch moment to remember, but that is in the past, much like how Crushing is after I killed him out there in that ring! Karen: Not short on disrespect, I see? Aya: I think I don't have enough to go around. Karen: Well, tell us exactly how you feel coming off of this monumental win for your SBC career? Aya: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just say "the biggest win of my SBC career?" Because I honestly don't see this as the biggest win of my SBC career. No sir. Karen: Really? Wow, that's actually pretty humble of you- Aya: Because I consider this to be the biggest win of my SBM career! Tvguy: Come again? Aya: You heard me, tvguy. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Tvguy: Somebody wants to die tonight, huh Aya: You wanna know how I feel? I feel absolutely liberated. This title is a mere symbol of me finally getting my just due from this site. For years, I spent working way around here waiting to finally get thrown a bone that just never came. SBM, on the other hand, they saw the value in me that you losers would never acknowledge even if I slapped you in the face! You asswipes had your chance to cash in on the Aya band wagon while it was still going strong, but you just tossed me aside like how Deathmatch just tossed me aside after my loss to Jelly! So the way I see it, if none of you were willing to cash in on this golden opportunity, then I was going to buy in elsewhere and make them realize what you foolishly squandered! This is just the icing on the cake, really. I have in my possession, the very heart and soul of SBC that I obtained by killing who is arguably the heart and soul of SBC! Now imagine all that being in the hands of an SBM guy, hurts even more, doesn't it? I am living proof of what SBM is truly capable of becoming, a threat to you and your precious so-called "community". You think you're so much better than us? Look at you all, squabbling and bitching like a bunch of brats, as well. You can make fun of the place all you want, that feeling of entitlement that you get from it is only temporary. Because for every homosexual drama thread on there, there is race debate going on here. It takes quite a man to keep that shit in check, in fact, it takes The Man. So the next time you want to feel all high and mighty, I want you all to remember this episode so that you all can take away one crucial thing to learn from it; your best can't best SBM's. Tvguy: Plankton: Now that's the hallmark of a true heel right there! Coming from an evil genius bent on world conquest, that's quite the honor. Karen: Yes, but you were only able to win after some timely interference by Cha, yes? Aya: I wouldn't necessarily word it like that. Karen: Then how would you word it? Aya: I'd still word it as me curb stomping your collective asses straight into the ground! Is this what SBC has become? What was once the "cool SpongeBob forum" is now the community of excuses. Your leadership is in far dire straits and far more questionable than SBM's could ever be at its worst. You've all got much bigger problems on your hands than lil ole me at this point. So I'll go do mine, and you all can do yours. And hopefully by next time, I can have some actual competition. There's other SpongeBob fan sites out there, right? Encyclopedia SpongeBobia looks as if they have their shit in order. Aya leaves with her title, leaving tvguy feeling quite angry. Karen: Strong, scathing words by the SpongeBob Universal Champion- Tvguy: If she wants a challenge, she should've just asked Karen: Tensions sure are a flaring here on Post-Mortem! Looks like Aya may have just signed, sealed and delivered her own next challenger. It looks like we've just about covered everything we needed to cover here, so until next time- ???: Special delivery for Sheldon J. Plankton! Plankton: uhhh, present... Delivery man: Your Krabby Patty Formula has arrived! Plankton: I don't remember orderin- oh what hell! I'll claim it! The delivery man hands over a bottle carrying the secret formula to Plankton, who is salivating at the sight of it. The delivery man holds out his hand, looking for a tip. Plankton: What's this? Delivery man: This is the part where you pay me the nominal fee, good sir! Plankton: How much are we talking about here? Delivery man: 25 cents! Plankton reaches into his pocket for a quarter, but he gets attacked from behind by two other men, @Buttered Toast and SpongeEdd from SBM, right as he pulls it out. The delivery man joins in on the beatdown, creating a 3-on-1 situation and laying into him with some heavy boots to the body. Karen: AAAAHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP THIS! STOP IT! STOP IT! Karen tries to intervene on her husband's behalf, but she, too, is caught up in the stampede. Two of the Eds raise her up and hold her in place. The delivery man rips off his UPS shirt and and yells in Plankton's face as he lays down, broken. ???: I want you to watch this, you fucking midget! This is a message to you and the rest of your cast! The third man sizes Karen up and super kicks her right in the face, breaking her monitor. @ededdeddyfan1111: Oh, I feel it! I feel the adrenaline, Eddy BAYBAY! The three Ed boys taunt the camera before leaving the set, stepping over Plankton on the way out. Post-Mortem fades out to one last shot of the damage as tvguy finally comes back out to help tend to the wounded. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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