Bikini Wax

[Wumbo]

S1E7 (7)- Things Get Mundane: Previously on Bikini Wax… Temperamental is upset at a lot of things, but mostly her awful mom for marrying someone for their money. Android meets Verydrama at the coolest hangout spot ever, the Juice Box. Well, not really meet. She just judged her from a distance and then left. Braindead can’t remember which one is Trite and which one is Jerk, so why should you? Jerk is a jerk, and Morepain and Ohstoneme go to a party. Who’s Ohstoneme? Read the previous episode, Jesus. You think I’m going to summarize everything?

 

“You’re a terrible friend for throwing me a party,” Ohstoneme cried.

 

“Yeah, well, you’re going,” Morepain said, waiting in the parking lot at Dinka’s Party Emporium, where Morepain somehow came up with enough money to rent out the entire building to any amount of people. Dinka’s doesn’t charge much. Ohstoneme didn’t want to enter because she didn’t want to see people she knew. Which is why she came back to Bikini Wax. She exhaled a little louder than normal, and Morepain noticed.

 

“Come on,” Morepain said with her signature winning smile that brings dead bunnies back to life. “You look beautiful. And that’s all that really matters.”

 

Ohstoneme reluctantly agreed to go in, despite her unclear backstory. A crowd of Bikini Wax teens were there to greet her. “Welcome back, Ohstoneme!” Everybody then resumed arguing with each other.

 

(Undetermined Theme plays)

 

Stupid slutty whore. That was the thought going through Android’s mind as she watched Verydrama choke Trite with her tongue. Then Trite turned blue in the face, and Verydrama took it out. Sighing, Android decided to put chicks before dicks and see if she could make Verydrama her friend.

 

&&&

 

“So, who dat chick? Who dat chick?” Braindead asked Jerk.

 

“She-“

 

“Does she go to our school?”

 

“Do you want me to tell the story or not?” Jerk asked indignantly.

 

“Fine…” Braindead replied, making a pouty face to show his disapproval.

 

“Her name is Lackey. I slept with her while drunk. So, it’s kinda a double whammy. And I don’t need to hear any disapproval.”

 

But Braindead wasn’t giving him any disapproval. He was laughing, a personality quirk he picked up from his father, to laugh at inappropriate times.

 

&&&

 

Morepain walked over to Ohstoneme. “How’s the party?”

 

“Eh… I’d give it a 7/10,” Ohstoneme replied. “Decent job, Morrow.”

 

“Thanks, Duncan,” Morepain said.

 

Ohstoneme stared at her in confusion. “Duncan? Who’s Duncan?”

 

“I have no idea… anyway, it’s karaoke time!”

 

“What?”

 

“Go on, sing!” Morepain pushed her to the stage.

 

Ohstoneme walked up and sang a Katy Perry song (listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M11SvDtPBhA ). Then Jerk hopped up on the stage to sing “Dysentery Gary” by blink-182 with Ohstoneme (listen here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMjClBvlSxI ). Morepain is jealous of Ohstoneme, who is such a slut because she’s singing with a boy. Scandalous!

 

Meanwhile, Android tries to be friends with Verydrama, but she has to sing RITE NAOW. She sings a song that totally sums up her feelings – “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani (listen here- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kgjkth6BRRY ) and the crowd is cheering, because none of them are hollaback girls either. Trite can’t help but notice how hot and talented she is, and how unfaithful he is.

 

Morepain saw Jerk at the punchbowl, then she saw Ohstoneme drinking punch. She became more jealous, thinking that Jerk was undressing every girl here with his eyes. Obviously, the only way to go about this would be to sing karaoke about your feelings. She got up on stage and sang “I Got it From My Mama” by will.i.am (listen here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XomQLhjCYYk ). Apparently everyone in Bikini Wax is a great singer, because the crowd was once again blown away, but especially Jerk. He… thought he loved that girl, but then he realized it was just another erection.

 

When Morepain walked off the stage, something shocking happened. A very Chexy looking Temperamental walked up on stage and grabbed the microphone. She stared at Braindead the entire time while singing “Subtle Hustle” by Clutch (listen here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHTr38mO0Fo ). Braindead was a little shocked that Temperamental would have such resentful feelings towards him after he completely blew her off. He wanted to go talk to her, but couldn’t catch her as Temperamental’s surprising confidence swooped her out of the room.

 

&&&

 

Now that all her feelings about the Zimmerman trials were made clear through her song choice, Anrdoid decided it was time for operation “Don’t Be a Judgmental Bitch”. She walks over to Verydrama and starts talking to her, putting on a fake happy face.

 

Verydrama stares at Android like she’s… a Satanic android. “Shut your pie hole, b!tch-arter!es!” she said.

 

“Uh… what?”

 

“You heard my italics.”

 

“Yeah, I heard you. But what did I do? Besides resent you up until this point.”

 

“You like my boyfriend, you stupid whore. And I know exactly what you’re doing. I see the guillotine in the back room.”

 

Android cursed, vowing to hide the guillotine better next time.

 

“Don’t you dare ever try to look in his direction again. These heels may be high, but they can kick.”

 

---

 

How so very bitchy and wonderfully, needlessly drama-filled. At the very least, you learn an important lesson: don’t trust skank whores. Please review, and if you do, include comments about songs. Whatever distracts from the writing.

[Wumbo]

S1E8 (8)- Bad Noose, Bentout?: Previously on Bikini Wax... It turns out everybody's a singer in William McKinley High School Bikini Wax, so they all sang at Ohstoneme's party. But there's drama afoot. Braindead's still a pervert. Ohstoneme feels guilt about hiding a secret from Morepain... and us! Android decides to befriend an unspecified girl. Then karaoke leads to jealousy, as it usually does, and Verydrama turns out to be exactly the skank whore that Android had pictured.

 

Morepan kind of feels like a Grade-A cunt for being jealous of her best friend. It was like Pat Benatar Jordin Sparks always said: love is a battlefield. But then she remembered her performance from last night and grew bolder.

 

Morepain felt exhilarated. She got all her feelings out about how she got it from her mama. Then, she saw a woman randomly handing out record deals at a teenager's karaoke party. She and Ohstoneme both got cards, and if you get three stamps, you get a Subway sandwich free.

 

Morepain was in direct competition with her best friend. Or maybe they could both be famous. Nah, probably wouldn't happen. She looked at the card again...

 

Tweena Moreplotto

Vague Shimmer Records

Coralwood

 

(Undetermined Theme plays - probably "Dysentery Gary" by blink-182)

 

Temperamental had been cooled down lately. Actually, very calm. Just... really mellow. Was she dead? Probably. But this was no time to check for a pulse. This was a time to listen to her favourite band, Blood on the Dance Floor, on her FishP3 Fisher. She's listening to a Blood on the Dance Floor song. Which one? I'll be damned if this spin-off makes me search Blood on the Dance Floor songs, so any one. Then there's a knock on her door.

 

"Come in," Temperamental said, but then regretted it when she saw it was her bitch ass cuntmother.

 

Her mother stepped in, and Temperamental took her headphones out (you can see that the song is paused at the minute and thirty-eight second part). "Yo," Bentout said.

 

Temperamental didn't look anything like her mother. If anything, she was a female clone of her father. That artificial insemination shit is tricky!

 

"What do you want?" Temperamental said, with the chill of a 28-degree day in her voice. Fahrenheit, that is.

 

"I want to talk to you," Bentout said.

 

"About what?" Temperamental said.

 

"Don't use that sarcastic tone with me, young lady," Bentout said.

 

"I'm not! The only indication of how I'm speaking is the speech tag, and all it says is 'said'," Temperamental said. "Now allow me to call you by your first name instead of 'mom', to show my disdain with you, Bentout."

 

"Hey!" Bentout exclaimed. "Don't... do that. I'm, like, your mother and stuff."

 

"Okay." Temperamental rolled her eyes. "So, is this the sex talk? Because if so, you already did this with me at age six. Remember? It's the law in this city."

 

"Oh, yeah... it was awkward enough at the time, no way I'd do it again. Besides, you're a smart girl and I love you."

 

"Aw, mom, you're making me blush," Temperamental blushed. "Now, how can we ruin this charming family moment?"

 

"Well... me and your father... we weren't exactly on good terms before his death," Bentout said.

 

"Why are you telling me this now?" Temperamental asked.

 

"Because I know you've been grieving about him, so I figured that I may as well make your grieving even tougher to get through," Bentout replied.

 

"Oh." Temperamental decided that this was reasonable. "So, why weren't you on good terms?"

 

"Because..."

 

"Mom, what is it?" Temperamental asked, with her concern rising faster than Jesus on the third day (remember this line, kids!)

 

"Your father was cheating on me with multiple women," Bentout said.

 

Ouch. That one hurt like a kick to the nuts, if Temperamental had any.

 

"Anyway, long story short, I might have HIV. I need to get tested today."

 

Temperamental's emotions all swirled together like a bad batch of Greek yogurt. This couldn't be happening.

 

&&&

 

Ohstoneme got out of bed and saw the card on her bedside table. In case you've forgotten, here's that name and address again!

 

Tweena Moreplotto

Vague Shimmer Records

Coralwood

 

She knew that her and Morepain might be competing for the album. That'd be fun... nah, it wouldn't be. Nothing's ever fun. Her mother was knocking on the door. She made sure to hide her lipstick tube, because god forbid she see that. "Come in!" she said cheerfully.

 

Her mother, Smeara, walked in, acting like a b!tch and whatnot. She told Ohstoneme to get ready for school, so she did. TENSION ENSUES.

 

&&&

 

Class is boring, so let's skip to lunch. Remember kids, skip school!

 

Everyone sat at the table, except Temperamental, because she didn't go to this school. And Smeara, because she's an adult. And Rainfall, because he's dead and forgotten. But all your favourites are there. Braindead, Jerk, Trite, Android, Morepain, Ohstoneme, and Verydrama. Verydrama and Android were glaring at each other. Trite decided to stay out of it, because who knows, maybe a catfight would happen.

 

"Oh, sweet lovemuffin in my oven," Verydrama said, delicately placing her goddess-like head with angelic hair on Trite's shoulder, "Math class is tough!" Verydrama quickly turned off the Barbie doll in her backpack, turned back to Trite, and said "Math class is tough!"

 

"You know what I hate?" Morepain asked.

 

"What, Morpy-dorpy-doo?" Verydrama replied.

 

"Well, that. I hate everything about that," Morepain replied, creasing her eyebrows to symbolize her disapproval with Verydrama's nickname for her.

 

"Oh, BURN!" Android replied, giving Morepain a high-four (look, I just remembered that these are fish, not that fish have fingers at all, but still =P)

 

"Anyway, what I hate the most is-"

 

"Someone who's more beautiful than you?" Verydrama asked.

 

"No, it's-"

 

"Someone with a hotter boyfriend than you?" Verydrama asked.

 

"No, it's-"

 

"Someone who won't let you finish your sentences?" Verydrama asked.

 

"That one's creeping up there!" Morepain replied. "No, it's when a girl tries to act dumber than she is to win her boyfriend's affections."

 

"Whore," Android agreed.

 

"Miss Catholic!" Jerk said, snapping his fingers.

 

Braindead looked strangely at Jerk. "I'll have whatever he's on."

 

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," Verydrama replied. "That's why you hate me, right? Because I'm beautiful? Not because of my personality? And I'm not acting dumber than I am. I really am that dumb."

 

Morepain was about to slap a bitch, but then she heard Jerk's voice inside her head. It said, "Don't do it." Then it started whining for sex. But Morepain got the message. "I don't hate you. In fact, I'm glad that you and Trite could find each other for true love."

 

"Gee, thanks Morepain," Trite replied.

 

Verydrama glared at her boyfriend. "What. EVAR." She grabbed her tray and walked away to join the Plastics.

 

"Finally, someone with the same contempt for humanity as me!" Braindead marveled.

 

"Hey, back off pal," Trite warned.

 

&&&

 

Ohstoneme was standing at her locker when she heard people whispering. Which wasn't hard, because they were right next to her. "Ohstoneme uses drugs!" one said.

 

"Which ones?" the second one said.

 

"Ten fishbucks on cocaine," the third one said.

 

The first one rolled their eyes. "We use dollars here, dumbass."

 

Ohstoneme didn't go to class. She instead went to the bathroom to use... what was in the lipstick tube. She applied a healthy amount of lipstick. Then she snorted some coke.

 

&&&

 

"You're back!" Pissin exclaimed, as Bentout comes back from taking her test.

 

"Hey, I gotta tell ya, it's negative news," Bentout replied, looking downcast.

 

"Crap..." Pissin replied. "Why?"

 

"I tested negative!" Bentout replied, suddenly looking excited. But Pissin started crying. "Sweetie, negative is good. It means I don't have HIV." Bentout pulled out a list, and crossed off "smarts" on "Reasons for dating this guy".

 

"Oh... that's great!" Pissin replied. "But now I have a question to ask you..." He got down on one knee and opened a little black box with an... engagement... ring... inside! "Bentout Simmerdown... will you marry me? See, it's a good thing you don't have HIV, or this wouldn't have worked at all."

[Metal Snake]

 

Ohstoneme was standing at her locker when she heard people whispering. Which wasn't hard, because they were right next to her. "Ohstoneme uses drugs!" one said.

 

"Which ones?" the second one said.

 

"Ten fishbucks on cocaine," the third one said.

 

The first one rolled their eyes. "We use dollars here, dumbass."

 

Ohstoneme didn't go to class. She instead went to the bathroom to use... what was in the lipstick tube. She applied a healthy amount of lipstick. Then she snorted some coke.

 

This part was my favorite. XD

[SpongeOddFan]

This part was my favorite. XD

same here xD

[So Sejima]

 

 

"Okay." Temperamental rolled her eyes. "So, is this the sex talk? Because if so, you already did this with me at age six. Remember? It's the law in this city."

 

"Oh, yeah... it was awkward enough at the time, no way I'd do it again. Besides, you're a smart girl and I love you."

 

"Aw, mom, you're making me blush," Temperamental blushed. "Now, how can we ruin this charming family moment?"

 

 

OK, why that's the law, I'd like to know. Please explain Mr. Wumbo.

[Wumbo]

OK, why that's the law, I'd like to know. Please explain Mr. Wumbo.

Everybody seems so acquainted with sex in this spin-off, it must be taught to them at a young age, required by law in fact.

 

(Also it's a parody don't take it too seriously)

[So Sejima]

Everybody seems so acquainted with sex in this spin-off, it must be taught to them at a young age, required by law in fact.

 

(Also it's a parody don't take it too seriously)

I was just joking about the talk being at age 6 for the law in the town, and how nobody has done something to stop it yet.

[Wumbo]

S1E9 (9)- Dawn of Intense: Previously on Bikini Wax... Morepain and Ohstoneme both get an opportunity for a record deal, ain't that a feather in your cap? Then, after an angry conversation with her mother, Bentout, her mother, Bentout, lets her daughter, Temperamental, know that she might have HIV and that her dad was actually an asshole. We get a morning in the life of Ohstoneme, as she hides things from her dearest mother. Later at school, Trite proves to be a good boyfriend by letting Verydrama fight her own battles against girls as catty as her. Then, at her locker, Ohstoneme hears people spreading rumours about her doing drugs, so she runs to the bathroom and proves those rumours right. Finally, Bentout tells Pissin that she is HIV... .... ... Negative! Pissin finds this a good time to steal the spotlight and propose to her. Needless to say, a lot happened. These summaries are pretty needless to say as well, since you can just scroll up if you want.

 

Disgusting. Braindead was driving to school in his nasty, putrid, awful vomit-green boatmobile. It was seriously time to repaint this thing. Maybe... red. Or... blue. Or... orange. Or... black. Then again, orange is the new black, so maybe he should go with orange. It was the end of November, and he still hadn't gotten laid. He asked the strippers nicely, but even they refused. He considered going to a prostitute, but then decided to find a girl at his own school that was hot and he could sleep with. Kind of like a prostitute, only you don't even have to pay. He was jealous of Trite's ability to look past Verydrama's b!tch!ness and appreciate her for her assets, like her ass. He also liked Morepain, but she was with Jerk. And Android, but she still loved Trite. Ah, the problems with being a wannabe manwhore. Hey! What about Ohstoneme? Braindead made sure to only befriend hot girls at his school, so Ohstoneme fit that bill. Now he just needed to find out if she was single.

 

(Undetermined Theme plays)

 

Eww. History, AKA A Class With a Bunch of Dead Guys That you Will Never Actually Need to Know About in the Real World. Funnily enough, that was the original name for history class, as Jerk would have learned if he was paying attention. But he wasn't. He was staring at Morepain. Morepain looked back at him and smiled. She loved where their relationship was now. So simple. Just like him.

 

&&&

 

Braindead is at his locker as Ohstoneme walks by. "Yo, babe! You single?" Braindead calls.

 

Ohstoneme rips off his shirt and caresses him while French kissing him for a good 30 seconds.

 

"Does that answer your question?" she winked. And Braindead was left standing in the hall, wondering, "Does it?"

 

&&&

 

Android was getting sick of something. That something she was getting sick of was Verydrama. Earlier that day, Verydrama tripped her in the hall, causing her books to fall everywhere. Maybe this wouldn't have happened if she carried them in her backpack like everyone else, but there's no need for details. By the way, a cute guy named Meat helped pick up her books. Time to ask Verydrama what her problem is.

 

"Look, it's Miss I-Have-A... Moderately-Sized-Nose." Verydrama clapped at her own stupid nickname.

 

One of Verydrama's posse members, Whorey, clapped as well. "Burn..." she said. "You know, it really doesn't make sense that we say that, because we're underwater, so how can we..."

 

"Quiet, Whorey. You're thinking again," another girl, Ninny, said.

 

"Shut up, Verydrama," Android replied.

 

"Oh, this kitty's got claws!" Verydrama replied. "Or should I say, this snail's... got... suction... whatever. My point is, you don't wear a bra!"

 

"Oh yeah? Well, why would I need to? I'm a damn fish!" Android replied.

 

"Well... you never had sex, you virgin!"

 

Android glared at Verydrama.

 

"What are you going to do now? Sacrifice me to Jesus?"

 

That was exactly what Android wanted to do. But she settled on calling her a b!tch and fighting with her, only for both of them to be taken away by the school guidance counselor. Yeah, there's a guidance counselor at this school. With all the problems these kids have, he has his work cut out for him.

 

&&&

 

Braindead and Ohstoneme were kissing. Ohstoneme decided to kill the mood by asking about Jerk and Morepain. Braindead used his dead brain to tell Ohstoneme that Jerk cheated on Morepain with a girl named Lackey. Ohstoneme ran off to tell her best friend. Way to go, Braindead.

 

&&&

 

Ohstoneme knocked on Morepain's door. Morepain let her inside. The two exchanged greetings, and Morepain offered to take Ohstoneme's coat. But Ohstoneme wasn't wearing a cot. The two laughed awkwardly, and then they headed up to Morepain's room.

 

"I need to tell you something," Ohstoneme said.

 

"Is it about drugs?" Morepain asked.

 

"What? No! Jerk's cheating on you with a girl named Lackey." Ohstoneme left Morepain to cry herself a river.

 

&&&

 

Android was suspended for two weeks. But it's okay, because Verydrama was suspended for longer. By the... guidance counselor, I guess? I suppose it would make sense that he's in charge of the school. Yeah, let's go with that. Anyway, Verydrama got two weeks added on to her suspension for being a bitchy ass whore slut. Regardless, Android looked forward to sleeping in, because apparently her parents don't give a rat's ass about her suspension. And neither should we. Next scene!

 

&&&

 

"Bentout, it's been a week," Pissin insisted. "Are you marrying me or naw."

 

"Pissin, I can't marry you for... unspecified reasons," Bentout replied. "It's not me, it's you."

 

"Fine then! Goodbye!" Pissin stormed out, mumbling about the friendzone and fedoras and atheism and whatnot.

 

&&&

 

Gormless was out on his regular beat, y'know, just doing everyday police stuff, like going to the bottom of an abyss to look for a suspected drug dealer. He knew he had to stop this guy, or else he might sell more drugs. Gormless used some police stuff to find the man. The man was Perp Aholes. Like most fish, he was bald. Except for sexy girl fish, they have hair. He had black pupils, and I'm pretty sure he had a face as well. It's those distinguishing features that help a cop to identify someone. His eyes were red, which just adds to the insanity of this madcap adventure.

 

"Go away, police officer..." Perp said. Perp had a pile of drugs behind him. Just... sitting there. I guess he figured no one else would ever go into this abyss.

 

"I'm sorry, but I just can't allow you to sell any more drugs," Gormless replied.

 

Perp pulled the trigger, which caused the bullet to dislodge from the holster. The bullet traveled in a straight path to Gormless's chest, and entered that area. He fell down. Is he dead? You make the call.

 

&&&

 

Braindead called everyone he knew in this town except Temperamental, because that bitch won't return any of his calls. Time to finally paint the vomit-mobile so he didn't have to go on describing it. He decided on black, because orange may be the new black, but black was the old black, and he just had to go with a classic.

 

Everyone arrived, except Verydrama didn't arrive, because she's a skank ass whore bitch slut skankmobile.

 

They painted for two hours, then took a break. It was time to confront her cheater of a boyfriend. And it's up to you, the audience, to guess who I'm talking about, since I forgot to specify! Dopey me.

 

"So..." she said. "How's Lackey?"

 

"What? How did you find out?"

 

"It's a small town, Jerk, It was bound to get out sooner or later. So, who is she?"

 

"We hooked up after you and I broke up on the beach. I haven't contacted her since then, if that makes you feel better."

 

"She's going to want to find the guy she lost her virginity to," Morepain said. (Did you guess Morepain? Congratulations, you're paying more attention to this spin-off than I am!)

 

"Yeah, I guess..."

 

"What's happened to you, Jerk?" Morepain asked. "I remember when you used to be fine with dating the head of the Abstinence Club. But now... you're all about... Chex. And not the cereal, either."

 

"I'm sorry, Morepain."

 

"No you're not." Morepain slapped him across the face, then poked him in the eye just to make sure he got the message. She then got in her boatmobile and drove home.

 

Jerk didn't know why Morepain would do such a thing. After all, it's not like he went to a strip club... oh wait, he did that too. So he decided to tell everybody everything. No more secrets. Not even the one about spending more time huffing paint than painting the boatmobile.

 

"Called it," Trite said.

 

"Totally," Android agreed.

 

"Yep," Braindead concurred.

 

"Braindead, you were there. Of course you knew," Jerk accused.

 

"Whatever, let's just keep painting this vomit-mobile."

 

Soon it was finished, and it was no longer a vomit-mobile. Now it was a black boatmobile that looked cool. Everyone left, happy to be away from Braindead. All except Ohstoneme.

 

"Do you want to take it for a spin?" Braindead asked her.

 

"Sure," Ohstoneme replied.

 

Braindead and Ohstoneme drove around for a couple hours, when Braindead suddenly pulled over. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" he asked.

 

"Not particularly, no," Ohstoneme admitted.

 

"I know you're doing drugs!" Braindead accused.

 

"No I'm not!" Ohstoneme replied.

 

"Then what's this?" Braindead held up her tube of lipstick.

 

"It's lipstick," Ohstoneme replied.

 

"HA! That may be what you think I think..." Braindead said, "but when you left it in my room when you rushed to tell Morepain about Jerk's secret, I opened it up, just to see if it was really lipstick. I knew there had to be something wrong with you. There's something wrong with everyone, everywhere! But then... yeah, I found out it was just lipstick."

 

Ohstoneme sighed with relief. "But THEN..." Braindead continued, "You ALSO left a bag of cocaine in my room!"

 

"Damn!" Ohstoneme cursed. "Braindead, please don't tell anyone."

 

"Okay, but I'm breaking up with you, you druggie whore," Braindead seethed.

 

"Why would you drive me around for two hours just to tell me that?!" Ohstoneme cried.

 

"I'm kind of an asshole that way," Braindead replied with a grin.

 

"Can I at least have my tube back? And my bag of cocaine?" Ohstoneme asked.

 

"Hell, no! You need to kick the habit, Ohstoneme, and even though I hate you for being a druggie whore, I want to help you out of it."

 

"But what does that have to do with my lipstick?"

 

Braindead applied some to his lips. "Sometimes a man's just gotta feel pretty."

 

"Eww, fine. All right, you can keep it. Just let me out here," Ohstoneme said in disgust. Braindead let her out and drove off. Then Ohstoneme just happened to find a car that had a tube of lipstick with cocaine in it. She was happy, but sad at the same time. But there was another glimmer of hope. The car was parked outside of a cosmetics store, so she could buy some more actual lipstick. But first... snortin' time.

 

&&&

 

Braindead wasn't doing much in particular when the phone rang. He didn't recognize the Caller ID.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Is this Braindead Error?" a woman on the other line said.

 

"I think so..."

 

"This is Bikini Wax Hospital..."

[Wumbo]

S1E10 (10)- Odd Diction: Previously on Bikini Wax... If you missed the last episode of this, then I'm ashamed of you. Go sit in the corner for 30 minutes. For those of you that did read the last episode, here's a summary so you can remember what you read! Braindead thought he found a trophy wife in Ohstoneme, but then looked inside the dreaded lipstick tube she had to find... lipstick. But then he also discovered she had been using cocaine. He keeps Ohstoneme's secret and her lipstick, and he breaks up with her. Before they do, Braindead tells her about Jerk's All-American Rejects-patented "Dirty Little Secret", and Ohstoneme tells... ... ... Morepain! At school, to say the least, things happen to Android and Verydrama. Ouch. That one hurt even me to write. And Pissin keeps hounding Bentout for an answer to his proposal, like anyone normal would. And we find out that yet another character is hiding something. Which one? That's what I'm hiding from you. But if you read the previous episode, you should know. Anyway, Pissin leaves Bentout... maybe, maybe not. It really is a coin toss with any breakup on this show. Braindead's father, Gormless, gets shot to death by a drug dealer named Perp, and worse, glossed over by me. When Braindead plans to paint his boatmobile black, everyone except Temperamental and Verydrama come. Bitches be bitches, ain't nothin you can do. During the painting, Morepain gives Jerk more pain and leaves. So Jerk tells everybody all his secrets. And in the phenomenal, award-winning ending of this episode (if awards I created count, that is), Ohstoneme huffs cocaine out of a random lipstick tube in a random person's car, and Braindead gets a call from the Bikini Wax hospital. What's going to happen next? Well keep reading, you dipshit, and maybe you'll find out.

 

Ohstoneme went downstairs to eat some breakfast. Smeara was sitting there, all smiles. "Happy Audition Day!" she stated.

 

"Oh no," Ohstoneme thought. "What has she gotten me into now?"

 

"It's a role in a new action blockbuster coming out!" Smeara said. "It's highly unlikely that you'll get one of the lead roles, but that's what I have you auditioning for, anyway."

 

Ohstoneme sighed. "Great, thanks mom."

 

Smeara left the room and Ohstoneme scarfed down some pills. What? It's Tylenol. She has a headache.

 

(Undetermined Theme plays)

 

Morepain was still angry at Jerk. So angry that she didn't even want to go to school. But she went to school anyway, not feeling like fighting the system today. You're an inspiration to no one, Morepain.

 

&&&

 

Braindead woke up. He stretched his arms. He scratched his butt. He had fallen asleep in the waiting room in the hospital. But it wasn't his fault. Hospitals were so lame, Jesus. Then the doctor came out to deliver the news. But first, FLASHBACK...

 

After getting the call, Braindead rushed to the hospital to see his father. He was unconscious, but then he woke up to have one last conversation with Braindead.

 

"Dad..." Braindead said, his voice cracking. God, he hated crying. Especially in front of his father. It was so... un-manly. But then again, he was dying, so why did anything matter at all?

 

"Braindead..." Gormless said.

 

Then he went back into unconsciousness. Braindead rolled his eyes. "Good talk, dad." He went to the waiting room.

 

"Your father...has gone to meet his maker," the doctor said. "He was getting a little better, but then again he was getting worse, so he died."

 

Braindead started crying. But this time, they were manly tears, to honour his father.

 

&&&

 

The police were after Perp, the guy who killed Gormless, the Chief of Police, in case you've forgotten. Nobody thinks to go in the abyss, unfortunately.

 

&&&

 

Stealth. That was Perp's greatest gift. Stealth. That and repetition. Repetition. And stealth. The police had passed him, in case you'd forgotten. Now he is packing, getting ready to hunt. It's wabbit season. Suddenly, a telepathic sea monster came towards him. "Hi! Just decided to drop by to say toodle-oo!" Perp heard in his mind. It started walking towards him to give him a big, fat sea monster hug. Perp and the monster hugged goodbye, then Perp jumped out of the abyss. Just another day's work.

 

&&&

 

Braindead's father's death was, like, soooo inconvenient for him. Where would he be staying now? He wanted to stay in Bikini Wax, after all the awkward connections he's made. But his father was the only relative he had here. Despite all the inconvenience, he drove to school. Then, in homeroom, Jerk turned on his hidden psychic power to deduce what was wrong.

 

"So your father's dead, so where are you gonna go now? I mean... where are you gonna go?" Jerk asked.

 

"I don't know," Braindead sighed. "It really is inconvenient."

 

"Well, if you want, you can come stay with me," Jerk replied. "We have a spare bedroom."

 

"That's nice," Braindead replied. "Overall, you're still kinda a dick, though."

 

&&&

 

At school that day, Ohstoneme saw something interesting.

 

ATTENTION

COMPUTER WHIZES OF BIKINI WAX HIGH

NEED HELP WITH POSTER DESIGN

BEST IDEAS WE'VE GOT SO FAR ARE ALLCAPS, BOLD AND UNDERLINE

 

Then she saw a poster for a drama production. So she decided to audition for that instead of the action movie.

 

&&&

 

After school, Jerk took Braindead to his house. That's when Braindead saw Jerk's parents for the first time. They were loaded... in terms of money, not personality.

 

"Hi. Jerk!" his mother said. "Who's your friend?"

 

"This is Braindead," Jerk said with a devilish grin on his very handsome face.

 

Jerk's mother stood up. "Hi, I'm Borey. Jerk has told us so much about you. Is it true that you listen to Fishelback?"

 

"Mom!" Jerk protested. "I told you that in confidence."

 

"Oh dear, even if you hadn't told me, everyone can hear it blasting across the neighbourhood," Borey replied.

 

Jerk told his parents everything about Braindead's inconvenient situation.

 

Jerk's father Barely hawked a loogie into the sink before responding, "I suppose Braindead could stay here if it's all right with his parents... oh, wait..."

 

&&&

 

At the police station, a new Chief of Police has been chosen. And it was Hardy Riskydarea, a bald man with an everlasting intense look on his face. That look was due to his everlasting constipation, but nobody in the force needed to know. The only thing he said was, "Under my watch, we'll find that bastard who killed Chief Error. Say, does anybody think he might be in the abyss where we found Gormless?"

 

&&&

 

Android was taking a drive, which is what many teenagers are allowed to do while being suspended for two weeks. Especially driving out of the city, where you can see the city limits sign:

 

Now Leaving... Bikini Wax

The Town of Song... What? Coralwood Took Acting

 

That's what made her remember the day at Dinka's Party emporium. It made her remember that she loved to sing. And seeing as her parents really don't care what kind of decisions she makes, she was going to practice singing.

 

&&&

 

Ohstoneme stepped into the auditorium, where the director of the play, Miss Wish, stood. She was stunningly beautiful. Or maybe beautifully stunning.

 

"Hello, I'm Ohstoneme Numbpain..." Ohstoneme said.

 

"Yes, I am aware of your existence..." Miss Wish said kindly.

 

"I'll be singing 'Dr. Zaius'." She sang the song (

) and when she was done, Miss Wish clapped. "How did I do?" Ohstoneme asked.

 

"Bitch, can't you see me clapping? You got the female lead!"

 

Then Morepain came to audition, also singing "Dr. Zaius". "Actually, now I'm not sure. Sorry for instilling you with that false hope. It's not because of my rational thinking that they keep hiring me back as director, it seems. I'll contact you girls when I make the decision."

 

Then Ohstoneme did something that she would come to regret. She expressed a negative emotion!

 

&&&

 

Android was sitting in her room, practicing her singing. She sang "She Bangs" in the style of William Hung (listen here:

). She jumped up and down gleefully when she finished. It sounded great!

 

&&&

 

Temperamental got home from another day at school that didn't fulfill her educationally... and Pissin was there. There was a reason Bentout didn't want to marry Pissin... and now we're all about to learn it. Grab some popcorn, folks!

 

"Pissin, the reason I don't want to marry you is because... I can't have children."

 

The bomb dropped harshly on Pissin, as he realized Bentout was one of those infertile bitches.

 

"The doctor told me when I tested negative for HIV. He said it might have been because of something in the water, or something, hell, I dunno." Bentout took a sip of tap water. "And I really want to have a kid with you, and because relationships are usually built on sex here, I thought you might feel the same way. But I actually do want to marry you, but it's only if you're okay with my infertility."

 

Pissin sat there for a couple minutes, building the suspense with every minute. He then grabbed the ring and walked out the door.

 

Bentout started to cry.

 

After Temperamental was sure he was gone, she hugged her mom and said, "I'm so sorry!" Can't let her showing kindness towards her mother get out on the street.

 

Suddenly, Pissin came back with the ring and said "PSYCH!" He put the ring on Bentout's finger and passionately kissed her, ultimately loving the fact that she was so concerned about his feelings on infertility. When the kiss was over, Bentout said, "So... we gon adopt or naw."

 

&&&

 

Ohstoneme came home to see Smeara sitting on the couch. "So you didn't go to your audition, huh?" she asked.

 

"Yeah... sorry about that," Ohstoneme replied.

 

"It really wasn't that long of a trip," Smeara insisted. "Just down the street."

 

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm going to get the lead role in a school play," Ohstoneme replied.

 

"What kind of profit will that make for me?!" Smeara replied, upset.

 

"The profit of a happy daughter?" Ohstoneme said hopefully.

 

"Go to your room," Smeara ordered.

 

Ohstoneme did just that, falling into her usual routine of applying lipstick and snorting coke.

 

&&&

 

("Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. plays during the montage [listen here: )]))({{[)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijZRCIrTgQc])

 

Ohstoneme gets a text from Morepain: "Dropping out of play, enjoy the guilt, bitch!"

 

Temperamental lies on her bed, feeling lonely. Damn mom gets more action than she does. Anyway, she stares at Braindead's contact number on her cell phone, waiting for it to do a trick.

 

Braindead unpacks his things and wistfully remembers the father/son moments he didn't have at the strip club.

 

Bentout looks at her engagement ring, wondering why Pissin didn't get something more expensive, while Pissin installs his washer and dryer in her home.

 

Perp finds a new abyss (apparently there's a lot of them in Bikini Wax) and sends out a mass group invite on Facebook to all his customers.

 

Morepain goes to a random orgy.

 

Verydrama is bored, because her parents are actually parents and they ground their kids when they're suspended.

 

Ohstoneme sneaks out to go to her dealer's new location. GOSH WHO COULD IT BE????

 

Android goes through the entire William Hung discography.

Jerk knocks on Morepain's door, who just got home from the orgy. She opens the door, sees him, and slams it in his face.

 

Jerk, feeling defeated, comes back home to watch TV with Braindead. Braindead is crying because they're watching COPS.

[Wumbo]

Guys I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. I thought it would be fun, but it really is just coming off way more mean-spirited than I intended. Plus, it takes a fuckton of time out of my day to do each episode, like a few hours at least. I'm retiring this spin-off early (Wumbo? Retiring a spin-off early? OMG NOWAII.) Thanks for the likes, I guess.