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JCM Experiences the Stages of Grief (JCM walks into Shinya's Korean restaurant.) JCM: Take a look at SBC's new guidance counselor! Sauce Mama: Oh my God, JCM, I'm so happy for you! JCM: (eyes widen) Sauce? What are you doing here? Sauce Mama: I'm the newest waitress! Shinya offered me job once I told him I was back in town! (JCM starts babbling incoherently.) Sauce Mama: Aww, JCM, are you still in love with me? JCM: Where's Shinya? Sauce Mama: In the kitchen. Why? (JCM runs into the kitchen.) Shinya: JCM? What are you doing back here? JCM: Why did you replace me with my half-sister? Shinya: Sauce has worked with my longer than you have! Why wouldn't I bring in somebody I knew could do the job? JCM: It's just...I didn't expect you to move on so quickly. Shinya: Don't tell me you want to come back already! JCM: No! I...I'm doing great! I'm actually reading this book about being a good shrink that's over a thousand pages long! And right now, I'm learning about the stages of grief, but that...that doesn't mean I'm in denial! Shinya: Really? Because it sounds like you're in denial. (JCM walks out of the kitchen.) JCM: Can I get a table, Sauce? Sauce Mama: Sure! Anything for my bro! (Sauce Mama leads JCM to a table, and he sits down at it.) Sauce Mama: Can I give you anything to drink while you're waiting to order? It's on me! JCM: I...I...crap! I'm sorry for the coarse language, Sauce, but I'm feeling really mad all of a sudden. Sauce Mama: I've got just the thing for that: weed soda! It's legal here and it will mellow you right up! (Sauce Mama goes into the kitchen, and Shinya comes out of it shortly after. JCM runs to Shinya.) JCM: You've gotta give me my job back! I'll do anything! Shinya: Sounds like you're at the bargaining stage. JCM: How do you know about that? Shinya: It's one of the most overused tropes in television, JCM! Get a grip on yourself! JCM: (crying) I made a mistake! You told me I was making a mistake when I quit to become a teacher again, but I didn't listen! I'm sorry! (Shinya grabs JCM's shoulders.) Shinya: No. I'm the one who made the mistake. I was just used to you being around, but now that you've spent some time back at the school doing what you love, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you. JCM: But...I don't love it! I thought I did, but I don't. Shinya: That's the depression talking. I know you'll be a great guidance counselor, but you have to know it, too. (Sauce Mama walks out of the kitchen with a large glass of weed soda.) Sauce Mama: Am I...interrupting something? JCM: (wipes away tears) No. Sauce Mama: Great! Here's your federally controlled substance packaged in an unhealthy carbonated beverage! (Sauce Mama gives JCM the glass, and he drinks all of it in less than a second.) Sauce Mama: What the fuck? You weren't supposed to drink it all that fast! (JCM starts laughing.) JCM: I've done it! I've learned to accept that I'm not working here anymore! And I feel great! Sauce Mama: You're probably going to be feeling something else soon. JCM: What? (Suddenly, everything becomes sepia-toned, and everybody inside the restaurant now has afros and 1970s-era clothing on.) JCM: Uh-oh. (CNF, CDCB, Cha, and a capybara run into the restaurant.) CNF: There you are, JCM! JCM: The first things I can think of that start with the letter C? I guess it's just one of those days. Cha: We found a major clue in that mystery we've been investigating! JCM: Mystery? What mystery? CDCB: We don't have time for exposition! But that does remind me of a joke... CNF and Cha: No! CDCB: Never mind, then. Just know that we have to go now! It's urgent! Capybara: Right! Rit's rurgent! JCM: Sorry, Shin and Sauce. I need to leave with my friends and our talking capybara. Shinya: I understand. Hey, get better. And stay out of the street! JCM: You got it! (JCM runs out the restaurant with the others.) Shinya: (sniffs) They grow up so fast. (The End)

I was on a Desperados III kick when I wrote this about two and a half years ago (FUCK). This was originally supposed to be the first part of a trilogy in somewhat of an homage to The Dollars Trilogy, but I gave up on that idea pretty fast. It was the first thing I wrote post-Deathmatch so it holds a special place in my arteries somewhere. This is 2020’s “A Deadeye for an Eye”