StraightEdge PunkPants

[Old Man Jenkins]

Are you ready, kids? IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIIIIIME!

Plot: A crossover written by Aya & OMJ starring all those guys and gals of the WWE that Aya horndogs over.

[Clappy]

[Aya♥]

The Bully

 

The scene opens up to Mr. McMahon's Wrestling School, where most of the wrestlers are either asleep, or staring off into space. In the back, the sound of soda cans hitting a desk can be heard. The camera zooms in to show CM Sponge arranging different flavors of Pepsi around on his desk. CM Sponge seems to be confused on which soda goes on what side of his wrist tape.


CM Sponge: “Excuse me miss,”


Diva: “I don't want to have to report you again.”


CM Sponge: -laughs- “I was just wondering, was it the Diet Pepsi on the left side of the tape, next to the Cherry Pepsi, or over on the right side all by its self, orrr,”


Diva: “I think it goes stuck inside your-”


CM Sponge: “Sorry miss, that's not PG.”


Vince McMahon: “Good morning class! Sorry I'm late, I tore my quads getting here. Anyway, we have a new Superstar starting today! And boy do I like him, just the perfect image for this company! Let's put on our happy faces for Rybotch the Goldberg.”


The Superstars clap for the monster.


Vince: “Tell the class something about yourself!”


Rybotch: “Well, I like to kick peoples butts.”


Vince: “What a card! Go ahead and pick your seat Rybotch.”


Vince goes on to teach the wrestlers about something they already know,


CM Sponge: “Hi Rybotch, how ya doin?”


Rybotch: “Hi Punk, I'm gonna kick your butt.”

 

CM Sponge:



-laughs-  That joke was almost funnier the second time.


Rybotch:  No, I mean it.


CM Sponge: "That time it almost seemed like.."


Rybotch: 


CM Sponge:  "You really did mean it...  Mr. McMahon?"


Vince:  "Yes Punk?"


CM Sponge:  "Can I be leave this company and go to TNA?"


Vince:  "Haha, why no Punk, you're in the middle of your contract, you can't afford to leave this company."


CM Sponge:  "Yes Vince, sorry Vince."


Vince:  "Now, I need someone to come up here and draw me a basic Spear, how about you Rybotch?"


Rybotch gets up to the chalk board and draws his Spear.


Vince:  "Please turn and show the class what you drew."



CM Sponge:  "That doesn't even look like me."


Vince:  "YEEESS! Perfect spear Rybotch.


CM Sponge gets up and runs to the bathroom.


CM Sponge: "I just don't get it, why would Rybotch want to kick my butt?  I haven't said 4 words to the guy,  -flashback- "Hi Rybotch, how ya doin?" -flashback end-  1, 2, 3, 4, OH NO, THAT'S 5  WHY DID I GIVE HIM 5?  WHO'S THAT?   SOMEONE'S CUMMIN!  GETTING CLOSER...  I just gotta act natural."  a jobber walks in and sees CM Sponge "acting natural"



Jobber:  "Oh that's real nice."


CM Sponge:  "Phew, I thought for sure that was gonna be...RYBOTCH?!  DAH, UH HELLO MAM, kick any good butts lately?  Yeah, I remember last week I was kicking Gallow's butt real good, and he leans over and says, "YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH."


Rybotch:  "Wow, that story really speaks to me."


CM Sponge:  "Really?  What's it say?"


Rybotch:  "It says now, I'm gonna kick your butt twice as hard."


CM Sponge flushes the toilet he is sitting in.


CM Sponge is walking down the hallway, listing things:  "And I'll leave Colt's water bowl to Colt, and my Pepsi to...oh JBL, I just can't do this!"  the phone rings next to him,  "Dog House, next in line speaking."


Daniel:  "Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery."


CM Sponge:  "Daniel!?  Is that you?"


Daniel:  "Yeah, hey Marella, let me get a large double olive, double-"


CM Sponge:  "Daniel, listen, it's me CM Sponge, I need your help!"


Daniel:  "You're workin at Dragon Gate USA now?"


CM Sponge:  "Wah?  No, listen, I'm in big trouble, there's a rookie here and he wants to kick my butt!  Listen, you're pretty technical, do ya think you can come down here and put him in a few holds for a bit?  Just to get him from spilling my Diet Soda.  PLEASE DANIEL, I'm so scared.  It feels like I'm gonna throw up.


Daniel:  "No, they're not closed.  I know, you want olives."


CM Sponge:  "Daniel, you there?!"


Daniel:  "Oh, I'm sorry CM Sponge, I was talking with my old NXT buddy, Skip, or as he's known now, Rybotch.  I bumped into him in the ring, it's been years since we've been in the ring together, lemme get goin, he's got to get back to school soon.  He says he's gotta kick somebody's butt."


CM Sponge runs and splats into Mr. McMahons door.


CM Sponge:  "Vince, can I be in a different storyline."


Vince:  "Why ever so?"


CM Sponge:  "Not gonna say.  My physical well being is at stake, let's just leave it at that."


Vince:  "Listen boy, you can tell me ANYTHING!   I am the boss."


CM Sponge:  "Well ok, you gotta keep it between us old man.  Rybotch says he's going to kick my butt."


Vince:  "WHAT!?  THERE SHALL BE NO BULLYING IN MY COMPANY!  It ain't sponsored by B.A Star for nothin.  Leave it to me son."


CM Sponge:  "Thanks Vince, I knew I could count on you."  CM Sponge is then seen eating his strict veggie diet, a blend of a whole lot of greens.


Vince:  "Eat well my boy?"


CM Sponge:  "I like to think I did."


Vince:  "Psst, Punk, I talked to Rybotch for ya, I used your name.  It was all a misunderstanding."


CM Sponge:  "YOU WHAT."


Vince:  "He's not going to kick your butt son, he was meaning it to be competing in the ring!  Maybe you can play sports together on the weekends?"


CM Sponge:  "I have to CM Puke."


CM Sponge runs into a boat, with Rybotch's father, Goldberg Goldberg.


CM Sponge:  "Are you Rybotch's dad?"


Goldberg:  "No."


Rybotch:  "Goldberg, what did I say about coming back to the ring?"


Goldberg:  "Now he's gonna kick my butt!"


CM Sponge runs down the streets of Stamford,  "OUTTA MY WAY, OUTTA MY WAY, CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S GONNA KICK MY BUTT?"


Ric Flair:  "Hi there young people, nice day today."


Jobber:  "So, you like kickin butts do ya?  Well we'll show you old man!"


CM Sponge runs until he finds a trashcan he can hide in,  "Ok, ok, I gotta skip town, start a new career, live under an assumed name, EdgePants StraightPunk, yeah that's good, grow some chops and shave them off, and live happily ever after."


Rybotch:  "Yeah, except you forgot about the part where I kick your butt."


CM Sponge: 


Rybotch: 



Just then, one of Punk's soda cans falls out of his trunks,


Rybotch:  "FINISH IT!"  his dump truck flips upside down and crushes him.


Rybotch wakes up to see Punk holding some food.


CM Sponge:  "Hey Rybotch, ya feelin any better?"


Rybotch:  "Wh...huh?  Where am I?"


Dr. Jew:  "Why you're in the hospital, this young boy saved your life, he applied the Anaconda Vice for 5 hours straight."


CM Sponge:  "Yeah, they told me to stop after the first few minutes, but I just wanted to be sure."


Rybotch:  "Wow, I'm touched,  I'll have to remember that when I'm kickin your butt.  That food for me?  FEED ME MORE."


CM Sponge:  "NAAAHH, HE'S STILL GONNA KICK MY BUTT."


Jobber:  "How many times do we have to teach you this lesson old man?!"


Ric Flair:  "WOOOOO!"


CM Sponge:  "OH COLT, I'M TOO YOUNG TO HAVE MY BUTT KICKED, THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS IN LIFE I STILL HAVE LEFT TO DO!"  the scene switches to Punk at the announce table,  "Hang on, these Divas are boring."


There is a knock at his door,


CM Sponge:  "Who is it?"  the door gets ripped off and is Shellshocked by Rybotch,


CM Sponge:  "DAAH, RYBOTCH!"


Rybotch:  "It's butt kickin time."  Rybotch undoes his straps on his singlet.


CM Sponge:  "Colt, there is something I want you to know, but I don't care to remember."


Rybotch gets a bloodshot eye,


CM Sponge:  "DUUH HUH!"


Rybotch dumps chilli on a backstage person


CM Sponge starts hyper ventilating,


Rybotch steals some moves,


CM Sponge freaks out even more,


Rybotch:  "WAKE UP!"


CM Sponge:  "Go away Colt,  I don't want you to see this."  Colt pulls out a yamaka to take a picture.


Rybotch:  "READY?"


CM Sponge:  "Hold on,"  he puts on his hoodie, covering his eyes, ok I'm ready."


Rybotch goes in with a spear, but it does nothing to Punk.  He tries multiple times, but nothing happens.


CM Sponge:  "Did ya hear me, I said I'm ready."  Rybotch hits a shellshock, but Punk absorbs it.  "That tickles!"


Rybotch continuously throws spears and jack hammers at Punk, but he keeps kicking out.


CM Sponge:  "Colt, I'm absorbing his blows like I'm made of some kind of Super Man material!  Do you know what that means?  I get to win at work tomorrow!"  Punk goes on his day with Rybotch trying to bring him down.  They eventually make it back to school where Rybotch goes to sleep from exhaustion.  The whole class cheers, since he sucks.


CM Sponge:  "Do not cheer me my classmates,  Rybotch was the real face here,  I'm the heel, he's a victim of garbage wrestling, terrible mic work, and can't generate a crowd reaction.  This is a dangerous and terrible road, a road I call, TNA Road."  Punk holds his hands to his head, motioning his GTS pose.  Vince walks in as he is doing this,


Vince:  "Sorry I'm late guys, I...-gasp-, PUNK!  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BULLIED THE COMPANY'S FUTURE!  I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT!"


 

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 2: Botched Move

Michael Cole: Oh my! Summerslam, it may just be some stupid wrestling show to most of SBC. But to the WWE Universe, it's the second-biggest pay per view of the year.

CM Sponge and AJ Lee are at the beach for the Sumerslam festivities.

CM Sponge: What a great day for some wrassling.

He buries himself under a mound of sand.

CM Sponge: Hey AJ, look! I'm Curtis Axel!

AJ laughs crazily at the sight.

CM Sponge: Check this out!

CM Sponge: I have arriiiiived, CM Sponge. Could you keep your fan reactions down? I'm trying to be boring.

AJ: *still laughing* CM!

CM Sponge comes in catering food.

CM Sponge: Did somebody order some catering service!

CM Sponge: WOO WOO WOO! You know it!

CM Sponge and AJ both share a good laugh as somebody approaches and towers over them. It was golden boy, John Cena.

Cena: Hey AJ. You can't see me, CM.

AJ: Hey Johnny!

Cena: Wanna go mix it up?

AJ: Sure! *she skips off with John* Well come on, CM Sponge.

CM Sponge's broski gear falls off him faster than Owen Hart.

CM Sponge:

He follows them to the ring, where 3MB are waiting and air guitaring. Heath Slater being Wendy for this particular mixed tag match. Cena completely squashes Heath Slater with his Five Moves of Doom as the crowd gives a mixed reaction.

Cena: Give it a try, AJ!

Cena tags her in to a pop from the crowd before she goes to nail Heath Slater with a Shining Wizard.

CM Sponge: Good job, AJ! Alright, now lets finish this puppy up-

Cena tags in now.

Cena: How about a little more weight? Observe.

Cena picks up Slater for an Attitude Adjustment to an even stronger mixed reaction from the crowd. CM Sponge tags himself in.

CM Sponge: Alright, stand back everyone. IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIIIIIME!

He beats Slater into the corner, nailing a running knee before planting his opponent face first into the ring mat with a bulldog to an even bigger pop.

AJ tags herself in now and skips into the action.

AJ: You all watch this.

She locks in the Black Widow to even more cheers from the crowd.

Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre come in to interfere. Cena enters the fray and nails a double Attitude Adjustment on the both of them, but Punk gets himself caught up in the corner.

Everyone notices this and they all have a good laugh at CM Sponge's expense, distracting Cena long enough to get jumped by Mahal and McIntyre. CM Sponge looks to shift the tide by bring in some steel steps into the fray, but this happens

Everyone laughs again, taking the attention off Cena as he goes super and stopping the match.

Carlito: That was too funny, man! YOU are cool.

AJ: Isn't he just the funniest in the world?

CM Sponge grinned, having found a way to get a cheap pop over Cena. They resume the match and Cena is getting himself fired up. CM Sponge begs for a tag, which he gets.

CM Sponge: I've got it! Incoming!

CM Sponge: Oops! I guess I botched my move again!

They all laugh some more.

Carlito: Dude, you have once again made me spit out my apple.

The match rolls on, AJ having taken control. CM Sponge begs for another tag.

CM Sponge: Hey AJ, how about tagging over here!

AJ: Okay, here it comes!

She gets the hot tag to CM Sponge, who springs into action

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/27208/cm-punk-botch-o.gif%5B/img%22%5Dhttp://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/27208/cm-punk-botch-o.gif%5B/img%5B/url%5D%5D'>http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/27208/cm-punk-botch-o.gif%5B/img"]http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/27208/cm-punk-botch-o.gif

Losing the match for his team.

CM Sponge: I could use a hand here.

AJ skips over and checks on him.

AJ: Are you alright, CM Sponge?

CM Sponge: I guess so. Except I botched my move!

Everyone laughs again.

Carlito: You still got it, cool dude!

The scene then cuts to CM Sponge and AJ getting some WWE Ice Cream Bars at the vendor.

Mike Adamle: May I help you?

CM Sponge: Do you have any of The Tazz?

Mike Adamle: Uh, we don't have that superstar here.

CM Sponge: That's okay, I'm already the best on commentary!

Mike Adamle: Teehee. Anything else?

CM Sponge: How about...SHELDON BENJAMIN!

AJ falls over laughing as CM Sponge skips on over to the snack bar, knocking over someone's diet soda.

CM Sponge: NO SELL ALA MODE!

CM Sponge steps into the ring with Big Show now

CM Sponge: Botched delivery!

https://www.thesbcommunity.com/uploads/photobucket/6ff765fda8dd23acc3b331533b83cbe8.gif

The scene cuts to Jim Ross on commentary, spectating some of the matches currently going on.

JR: The action is getting hotter than the weather here at Summerslam live from Los Angeles! John Cena is just absolutely on fire out here, slamming his opponent straight through the canvas with his trademark Attitude Adjustment! And there's Miss AJ Lee, skipping circles around her opponent! Literally, that is. And bah gawd almighty! There goes CM Sponge, making a grand entrance for his featured bout!

CM Sponge descends down to the ring on a zip line, but something malfunctions and he ends up plummeting down, landing hard on the corner ring post before plopping into the ring.

JR: GOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THE CARNAGE THAT HAS JUST TAKEN PLACE IN THAT RING! DOES THAT RING POST HAS NO HEART? DOES IT HAVE NO CONSCIENCE? DOES IT HAVE NO SOUL?! WHY? WHY, GODDAMMIT?! WHYYYYYYYY?!?!??!

The referee throws up an X signal with his arms, halting the festivities. Everybody crowds around, worried. CM Sponge looks at the ref.

CM Sponge: Come...closer

Referee Charles Robinson tends to him.

AJ: CM Sponge!

CM Sponge: I need...I need...

Charles Robinson: *tearing up* What do you need?

CM Sponge: That on video...BECAUSE THAT'S GOING ON BOTCHAMANIA!

JR: This is just disgusting to my ass!

Everybody leaves, not amused. AJ skips over to CM Sponge.

AJ: That wasn't funny, CM Sponge! You had me worried like crazy!

She then skips off. Carlito approaches a lone CM Sponge and spits in his face.

Carlito: Dude, that's not cool.

The scene cuts back to the lockerooms, where CM Sponge finds himself in the doghouse for his antics. His career now plummeting faster than Owen Hart, he ponders where he went wrong.

CM Sponge: Caught in rope and trouble with steel steps - laughs. Falls on face - kills. Diet soda - knocks em dead. Pretending to die - NO. Come on, think! I've got it!

CM Sponge hits the entrance ramp, checks the invisible watch on his wrist.

CM Sponge: IT'S CLOBBERIN TIIII-

He then trips and rolls all the way to the bottom of the ramp, but no one is there. He looks off into the distance to see AJ and John Cena with everyone else.

http://www.primaryignition.com/wp-content/uploads/RAW_11192012ca_0771.jpg

CM Sponge: Everyone's gone, even AJ. She'd rather make out with Cena. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. We blew it, Colt.

Colt Cabana: What do you mean "we"?

Colt walks off.

CM Sponge: I didn't have to pander to these people just to get AJ's attention. AM I THE BIGGEST LOSER IN THE WORLD?

Damien Sandow walks up to him in his robe.

Sandow: Most certainly not. I am without a shadow of a doubt the most gigantic underachiever on this green earth. I cashed in my money in the bank briefcase on an injured Cena and still lost.

Dolph Ziggler walks up to them.

Ziggler: No I am. Just look at my two world title reigns.

Sandow: Now you're just showing off.

Ziggler: It's being a loser if you don't look good doing it.

Suddenly, Zack Ryder pops out from the sand beneath them.

Ryder: No, I am. I got buried in the sand and forgotten.

Sandow, Ziggler and Ryder: What happened to you?

CM Sponge: I got moved down the card.

Sandow, Ziggler and Ryder: How?

CM Sponge: When I botched *strums guitar* my moves. I thought I was over, I had everybody on my side. Then I went and blew it, all sky high. And now they won't even give me a title to contend all just because I *breaks guitar string* botched again.

CM Sponge, Sandow, Ziggler and Ryder: When Super Cena came just to pin him down, CM Sponge was no longer the best in town. And no company ever wants their face to be a fool who went and botched all over the place.

CM Sponge: I know I shouldn't throw pipe bombs around and I shouldn't curse, but the PG rating makes it so much worse! Cuz being held down is a lot more idle than a failed briefcase cash-in, or a short reign with the title! Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget, so listen and you won't regret! Be true to yourself, don't miss your chance, and you won't end up like the fool who botched his mooooooooves!

By now, a whole crowd has gathered around this Survivor Series dream team as they stand tall in the ring after that pipe bomb performance.

AJ: CM Sponge!

CM Sponge: AJ!

AJ: Your pipe bomb is true! If you want to get over, just be yourself.

Cena: CM Sponge, that was so righteous. Can I hear a round of applause for these gentlemen!

The crowd cheers, Cena feeding off of it.

Cena: Will you...sign my jorts?

CM Sponge: You have a vagina!

[Aya♥]

No Jobbers Allowed

 

Michael Cole:  "OH MY,  Survivor Series, a once luxurious oasis, now MITB is a bigger PPV."


AJ:  "Jee willikers Punk, how are we gonna go swimmin if you're wearing a hoodie and jorts?"


CM Sponge:  "Silly me, allow me to remedy such situation right now.  I'll just use this lockeroom here, to change, into my ring gear, and I won't do anything else."


AJ:  "CM is actin jumper than Rey Mysterio in a pickle barrel.  Oh wait...whut?"


CM Sponge:  "-laughs- oh I'll be changing alright, but not into my wrestling gear just wait till AJ sees that I brought my JIU JITSU ROBES!  HAAA SHITAKI.  AJ won't make me tap this time, cause I have the elements on my side, the elements of surprise, HAA!"  he kicks a bag(snow), but nothing happens.




AJ:  "Punk, ARREEE YOOOUUUU REAAADDDYYY?"


CM Sponge:  "Yes AJ, I most certainly am REAAADDDYYY! ready to get it on."  CM Sponge launches out of the lockeroom with a flying kick, but AJ catches him with a Shining Wizard to the mouth.


AJ:  "Look Punk, we both brought our gear!"


CM Sponge:  "Great minds think alike I guess."


AJ:  "HAAA SHITAKI!"  she hits Punk and he flies through the air, making his robes land on top of his head.


CM Sponge:  "I may be down, but I'm not out!" he realizes he landed in something.


Ethan:  "Way to go buddy, that debut took me three weeks to make, THREE WEEKS!"


CM Sponge jumps out of that ship and lands, awaiting for AJ to attack.  "Sexy?"


AJ:  "Oh I'm sexy alright, very sexy."  she locks the Black Widow in and then kicks him out of the ring.


CM Sponge:  "Oh I get it, no wait, I don't."


AJ:  "Back in Jersey, we called Ice Cream, Frozen Snooki Juice.  Excuse me for a sec,"  she give Punk a huge right hand,  "Thank you, HAA SHITAKI!"  she gives him another Shining Wizard, knocking his Jiu Jitsu robes off completely.  Punk flies and hits Bobby Lashley  in the back.



Lashley:  "Who threw this jobber at me?"


AJ:  "Whoa, what's this line for?"


Lashley:  "It be the Machine Spittoon, the roughest, toughest rassler club in the world.  Only the biggest of the big can get in.  You need to have muscles, you need to have muscles on your muscles, you need to have muscles on your eyeballs!"


CM Sponge:  "Ew."


AJ:  "Looks like a great time, eh Punk?"


CM Sponge:  "Yeah, let's go in!"


Henry:  "Welcome to da club, how tough are ya?"


Lashley:  "How tough am I?  How tough am I?  I main evented December to Dismember!"


Henry:  "Yeah so?"


Lashley:  "Well you got me there."


Henry:  "Get in there.  Welcome to da club, how tough are ya?"


AJ:  "How tough am I?!"  AJ takes his black singlet and turns it red.


CM Sponge:  "Wow."


AJ:  "Got anymore colours?"


Mark:  "I'VE GOT MORE LEFT IN THE TANK, get in there."


AJ:  "See ya inside Punk!"


Henry:  "How tough are ya?"


CM Sponge:  "How tough am I?  Got Superstar I can wrestle?"


Henry:  "Sure?"  he hands him Ziggler,


CM Sponge:  "IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!" 


CM Sponge:  "If I can just redo the spot..."


Henry:  "Get out of here.  This place is too big for a small guy like you."


CM Sponge:  "Too big for me?!  That's down right ridiculous,  I'll have you know I lost to Taker at Mania, while blowing out my knee, and stayed out of action for 3 months."


Henry:  "Listen, kid, I think you'll be more comfortable at that place."


CM Sponge:  "Combat Zone Wrestling?!  Are you saying I belong in Combat Zone Wrestling?"


Henry:  "Oh no, I was pointing over there."


CM Sponge:  "CHIKARA?!"


Henry:  "Unless you think you're the worlds strongest man!"


CM Sponge:  "-inhales-"  the scene cuts to him blading at CZW.


Moxley:  "How's your collection coming along?"


Callihan:  "I don't mean to brag but it's pretty sweet.  I'm in the process of collecting issue number 147, which will be my fourth complete set."


Moxley:  "Nooo..."


CM Sponge:  "Pfft, what jobbers."


Drew Gulak:  "Would you care for another blade with a lemon twist, jobber?"


CM Sponge:  "What?  But I'm not a jobber!"


Drew pulls out a Jobber Scanner and confirms he is a jobber.


CM Sponge:  "That's impossible!"


Drew:  "You can't hide, what's inside!"


CM Sponge runs over to the Machine Spittoon,  "I demand entrance into your club, on the grounds that I am not a jobber."


Big Show:  "Hey Mark how ya doin?"


Mark:  "Go ahead buddy."  he tosses CM Sponge, "Would you get out of here?"


CM Sponge:  "Mark my words Mark, I will get into the Machine Spittoon, I will!"  he runs back over to CZW.


Moxley:  "Couldn't get in huh?  What you need is a tough hair due.  No one gets in the club without a tough hair due."


Callihan:  "I disagree, I saw a man go into there, and he was bald."


Moxley:  "I saw that guy and he wasn't bald, he had a shaved head."



Moxley:  "Shaved, that's a hair due, case closed.  Hey where'd he go?"


Drew:  "I believe he said something about going to the wig store."


Moxley:  "haha, check and mate!"


Raul Meireles walks up to the Machine Spittoon.


Raul:  What's shaken my man?"


Mark:  "Not much, say..haven't I seen you before?"


Raul:  "Doubt it, I'm a drifter, just blew into town.  Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out."


Mark:  "YOU THINK I'M A PUPPET KID?  I know iz you."


Raul:  "What are you talking about?"


Mark tries to pull of his hair, when this walks up



CM Sponge:  "Hey everybody, what's going on?"


Mark stops pulling on his hair, and tries to fix it,  "THAT'S WHAT I DO."


Raul: 

Mark:  "What do you want?"


CM Sponge:  "I'd like to gain entrance to your wrestling promotion please.  I believe my hair due is in order."


Mark rips off the wig.


CM Sponge:  "-chuckles-  so, where do you stand on the whole bald vs. shaved debate?"


The Rock walks, "Hiya Mark!"


Mark:  "Alright, now it's a party!  Oh yeah, check out the new wing!"


The Rock:  "Thanks, look what I can make it do!"  he flexes and makes his tribal stuff move.


Mark:  "Yeah!  Hey, what about that one?"


The Rock:  "You know, I don't remember cookin this one."


Mark:  "Can you make it dance?"


The Rock:  "Here lemme try."


CM Sponge: 


Mark:  "Hmm, wait a minute."  he squashes CM Sponge off of The Rock,  "Go ahead in.  Nice try little man."  he tosses him to the back of the line.


Brodus Clay:  "Hey, I was in front of you!"


Tensei:  "No ya weren't."


Brodus:  "Are you callin me a liar?"


Tensei:  "Well I ain't callin your momma!"  they start to have a match, and CM Sponge gets dragged in, making it a triple threat.


Mark:  "Hold it you two! You two are plenty Big, go ahead in."


CM Sponge:  "Hey, what about me?  I was in that scrap!"


Mark:  "I saw ya runnin, when you actually win a match, then we'll talk."


CM Sponge:  "Well then, I guess it's time to kick it up a notch."  CM Sponge starts fake punching and then cracks his knuckles, tearing his wrist tape.  In shock, he starts crying and runs away.  He goes back to CZW and puts his hands in a bowl of blood and botches.


Drew:  "Care for another botch, jobber?


CM Sponge:  "I am not a jobber!"


Moxley:  "It's ok, you're among friends!"


CM Sponge:  "My friends don't hang out at CZW!"


Daniel:  "You tell em Punk!"


CM Sponge:  "Daniel, what are you doing here?"


Daniel:  "I'm always here on Double Jobber Wednesday."


Moxley:  "Actually they moved that to Friday."


Callihan:  "Besides, today is Monday."


Daniel:  "Oh so it's Raw Supershow Monday?"


Moxley:  "Oh, that's now on Sunday.


Daniel:  "NO!"


Callihan:  "Ohio Valley has a Raw Supershow Monday!"


Moxley:  "Uh no, you're in the past."


CM Sponge:  "I don't have time for this!  I have to pick a fight with a muscular stranger!  It's the only way to get into the Machine Spittoon!"


Daniel:  "NO, Punk, you can't!  It's too dangerous!"


CM Sponge:  "I've got no choice!"


Drew:  "I have a suggestion, why not fake a match?"


Daniel:  "YES, that's not a bad idea.  You can cut a promo on me, we wrestle, and then you're in the Machine Spittoon."


CM Sponge:  "I guess I got nothin to lose, let's do it!


Daniel:  "YES!"


Moxley:  "Hey, how come you never help use with our problems?"


Drew:  "I am a champion, not a miracle worker."


CM Sponge:  "What's going on Mark?"


Mark:  "WOAH NOW.  You ain't a big guy."


CM Sponge:  "Weeeeellll, that makes me ANGRY!"


Mark:  "Oh yeah?"


CM Sponge:  "Yeahh,  I might have to wrestle someone to get rid of this blind fury!"


Mark:  "Wow.."


CM Sponge:  "Yeah, I feel sorry for the next jobber who looks at me funny."


Mark:  "Hmm...how about that guy?"  -points at Bork Laser-


CM Sponge:  "Don't be silly, he won't be here next week.  I mean, not like...that guy!"


Daniel:  "Who me?"


CM Sponge:  "Yeah you, all beard and whatnot.  Somebody ought to teach you some manners."


Daniel:  "Ok, but I must warn you,  I happen to be a technical uhh...wrest...ler."  he gives his signature "Yes" hand signals.


CM Sponge:  "I don't care if you're the demon seed of Bray Wyatt, you're going down troll!"


Daniel:  "Troll...NOBODY CALLS ME A TROLL"  he tries to apply the Crippler on CM Sponge.


CM Sponge:  "Wait Daniel,  I'm booked to win this match!"


Daniel:  "Oh yeah,"  Daniel starts CM Sponge's 5 moves of doom, 2 clothes lines, a neck breaker, then an elbow drop.  Daniel sells all of this like Ziggler and Michaels, and Flair combined.  He then lifts himself up for the GTS,  "No, please, HAVE MERCY!"  he is then put to sleep.


Mark:  "Wow, you destroyed that guy without even touchin him!"


CM Sponge:  "I did?"


Mark:  "I never thought I'd say this, but DADDY'S COMIN HOME!"


CM Sponge:  "Really?  I can go into the Machine Spittoon?  OMG, I thought Kevin Nash was dead LOL.   This is the happiest day of my life!"  Punk walks in, and the scene cuts to AJ and CM Sponge in an ambulance.  "AJ?  What happened?"


AJ:  "You ran in and tore your quads."


Dr. Jew:  "What happened?"


CM Sponge:  "I ran and tore my quads."


Dr. Jew:  "Torn quads eh?  Hmm,  I think you guys want that hospital."


CM Sponge:  "Florida Championship Wrestling?!"

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 3:

The episode opens up to a shot of CM Sponge at Mr. McMahon's wrestling school, squirting some mustard on a burger before giving it an elbow drop ala Randy Savage because he's a vegan, and being vegan means he's better than you. At least I still think he is. Anyway, Stephanie McMahon's music suddenly plays and CM Sponge braces himself by throwing on his Stone Cold t-shirt, ready to drop another pipe bomb in defense. Stephanie marches in, her tits flaring and hitting everyone with her solid B-cups as her father tries calming her down.

Mr. McMahon: Don't bitch, my billion dollar princess! Daddy's gonna make it alright!

CM Sponge: Mr. McMahon, did Steph forgot to put in her tampon today?

Mr. McMahon: Her scurvy client stood her up, boy! Now she can't seem to find another.

Steph: That's because there's only one sports entertainer that's as long, tan and ripped as he is. And that's him!

Mr. McMahon gets a raging boner just from listening to that description.

CM Sponge: I heard Randy Savage might come out of retirement-

Mr. McMahon: You know damn well to never mention that name in this school again, boy!

He scolds CM Sponge and throws him in the doghouse for ruining his fantasy.

Mr. McMahon: Steph, why, you can accompany ME to the ring!

Steph: Daddy, that incest storyline had no chance in hell then and it still has no chance in hell now!

Mr. McMahon: What about Randy Orton, he's the face of my class!

Steph: After he attacked us all back in 2009? No way!

Mr. McMahon: Here, take CM Sponge!

CM Sponge: Mr. McMahon, I already have a manager and I don't want to replace walrus tits with your idiot daughter's tits.

Steph: Aghhh, that vanilla midget? Daddy, he's a solid B+ at best.

Mr. McMahon: Very true. We've got to find someone else.

Mr. McMahon turned towards the rest of his class.

Mr. McMahon: Alright you jabronis, which one of you wants a shot at the main event by letting my lovely daughter, Stephanie, accompany them to the ring tonight?

Everybody in the class leaves, except for Andrew "Test" Martin.

Steph: *sighs* Don't no-show, CM Sponge.

CM Sponge:

CM Sponge freezes up in apparent shock.

Mr. McMahon: Now listen here, boy. I want you to make this a very special night for a very special girl. Remember, you're doing it for good ole J-

The real CM Sponge walks up from behind him.

CM Sponge: Oh hi, Vince! Are you talking to that cardboard dummy I made? You two seem to have a lot in common, being that you're both dummies-

Mr. McMahon: Never mind that, you little shit! You're taking Stephanie to the ring as your manager.

CM Sponge: In case you haven't noticed, I don't really need a manager.

Mr. McMahon: Take her boy, or you're fired.

The scene switches to CM Sponge's New York apartment.

CM Sponge: Oh Colt, this gonna be a failure. I didn't even need a manager for my first match.

Colt Cabana: Didn't you bring your dog?

CM Sponge: No, that was D-Bry who brought his dog. How am I even gonna compare to Steph's old client, Mr. Long, Tan and Ripped?

An idea pops into CM Sponge's head.

CM Sponge: I'll just do her one better!

CM Sponge gets into the shower to much Aya fan fare and slaps on a tank top, some pants and some neon face paint and arm covers.

CM Sponge: Colt, wait til Stephanie gets a load of this!

The scene shifts to Mr. McMahon's mansion. The door bell rings.

Mr. McMahon: Hello.

CM Sponge:

Mr. McMahon: Steph, your client is here! Doesn't he look like someone who could make me money?

Steph: Well, at least no one will recognize you. Now listen, CM Sponge, I just wanna get through this with my executive position intact. I wanna go to the ring- Are you getting this all down?

CM Sponge:

Steph: Take some pictures, show my tits to the world-

CM Sponge: Steph, we've gotta get back to the corporate jet.

Steph: The corporate jet?! Why didn't you say so?! *she grabs his hand and drags him off* I love the corporate jet!

Mr. McMahon: Go easy on em, princess! And I mean my jet!

The jet takes off and they arrive to the event a few minutes later, the jet flying lopsided due to Stephanie's breasts. They enter the backstage area of the arena to see all their co-workers there and mingling.

CM Sponge: Well, I guess the first thing we should do is- *gets blinded by a flash of light*

Steph: Yay! My first photoshoot!

CM Sponge: Uh uh uh, our first photoshoot.

CM Sponge puts his arm around Steph but she knocks him away with her cleavage.

Steph: Lets just get this over with.

They approach Joey Styles, the man in charge of the WWE website, who is officiating the photo shoots.

Steph: Well, are you coming?

CM Sponge goes up top.

CM Sponge: This is gonna be the best photoshoot in the world.

Steph: What are you doing?

Joey Styles: Look at the birdie, smile-

CM Sponge jumps off into the picture.

Joey Styles: OH MY GOOOOOOOD!

CM Sponge nails a huge elbow drop on the photoshoot, destroying the set-up and picture for Steph. Steph's friends, the Bella Twins catch sight of her.

Bella Twins: Hey look, it's Steph! Hi Steph!

Steph: CM Sponge, here comes my friends! Go get me an ice cream bar.

CM Sponge: Best client in the world, away! *jumps off*

Brie: Hi Steph!

Steph: Hi girls!

Brie: I'd like you to meet Daniel Bryan.

Bryan: YES

Steph: Solid B+ you got there, Brie.

Nikki: And you remember John Cena from mat class?

Cena: The champ is here!

Steph: bitch got herself an A+Hi John!

Nikki: So, like, where's your client Steph? We're all dying to meet him.

Steph: He's over at the buffet table getting me an ice cream bar.

Brie: Ooooh, is he the hardy-looking one?

Steph: Oh yes! *turns and sees what CM Sponge is doing* I mean, oh no.

CM Sponge: Where oh where are my WWE Ice Cream Bars?! And these juice cups and event programs, why isn't my face on any of em?!

Mike Adamle: Of course you're on them, Jeff Harvey.

CM Sponge was about to put his knee to Adamle's face. Steph pushes her friends away.

Steph: Quick, lets go see how ugly AJ's jorts are!

She turns back to see CM Sponge handing out ice cream bars to some people next to Mike Adamle's sleeping body.

Steph: CM Sponge, what do you think you're doing?!

CM Sponge: Hi Stephanie McMahon, how are you doing?

Steph: You're making me look ridiculous!

Stephanie gasps and shoves CM Sponge through the buffet table.

Steph: Get down or he'll see us!

CM Sponge: What is it?

Steph: It's my ex-boyfriend, Hunter Hearst Helmsley aka Mr. Long, Tanned and Ripped.

They watch as Triple H buries both Paul London and Brian Kendrick with his date, Chyna, by his side.

CM Sponge: Woah. But I bet he isn't the holder of the Regional Romance Dance Championship belt! *raises his tank top and reveals the title belt*

Stephanie is in awe at the sight until Fandango walks up and takes the title.

Fandango: Give me that back.

Fandango dances off with Summer Rae and his title.

CM Sponge: Hehe, that didn't just happen! *his music plays* lets go!

CM Sponge makes his way to the ring, accompanied by Stephanie McMahon.

CM Sponge: Are you ready?

Steph: CM Sponge, what are you doing? Am I gonna have to have a word with you in my office? Can't you see that everybody else is Fandango-ing?

CM Sponge: Fandango-ing? Oh yeah, I invented that one.

Chris Jericho: No you didn't, I did, you wannabe.

CM Sponge tries to do the Fandango but he can't quite let the A's flow through him.

Steph: Are you sure you can do this-

CM Sponge Fandangos into Steph, bumping into Edge and Lita, interrupting them while they were having their live sex celebration.

Steph: Well I guess you can take me home now, now that you've *cries* sunk the ratings!

CM Sponge: Don't cry! The best client in the world is here, I haven't failed yet! We can still...no broke that. Hey, we can- no, I put him to sleep. Don't cry, don't cry, whatever you do...don't...AAAAHHH

CM Sponge runs up to the rafters, scaring Sting off with his crying.

Brie: Wow Steph, what did you do to him?

Nikki: Poor little guy...

Steph ventures up there.

Steph: CM, are you okay?

CM Sponge: *crying* --Sunk the ratings!

Steph: Don't worry CM Sponge, it'll take more than that to sink our ratings. I would know.

CM Sponge: *crying*--Ice cream bars!

Steph: Hehe, it was pretty funny when Mike Adamle thought you were Jeff Harvey.

CM Sponge: *crying*--Good time!

Steph: But I am having a good time! I'd say it's been a solid A- so far. You know what could make it a plus? That match we never got round to yet.

CM Sponge: *crying*

Steph: Yes, you can wear the Charles Manson shirt.

CM Sponge: *Runs out and drags her to the ring in his Charlie Manson shirt* Then lets go! *checks the time on his invisible watch* IT'S CLOBBERIN TIIIIIIIIIME!!!

They hit the ring to a huge pop from the crowd. They dance around in the ring with others when Triple H approaches Stephanie and proposes to her with a shovel.

Triple H: Will you bury- I mean, marry me?

Steph: Get lost, big nose! Can't you see it's CLOBBERIN TIME?

Triple H gets in the ring with CM Sponge and proceeds to bury him. Later, CM Sponge escorts Stephanie back home, beat up and covered in dirt.

CM Sponge: Golly, Steph, I'm sorry tonight didn't turn out like creative planned.

Steph: Oh, Triple H was booked to bury you, so...I knew it was gonna be a ratings disaster all along. But as long as ratings disasters go, that was really fun!

Mr. McMahon swings the mansion door open, shocking the couple.

Mr. McMahon: Aha! Keep away from my precious money maker! You almost stepped on it.

Mr. McMahon tends to his Mason Ryan garden near his doorstep.

Steph: Oh, daddy! Well, goodnight vanilla, midget, and choppy.

CM Sponge still stands there, shocked and frozen in place.

Steph: CM Sponge? Oh well. *walks inside the mansion*

Mr. McMahon: Good job, punk. You might be contending for the Intercontinental title yet. Ar ar ar! *power walks back inside his mansion*

The real CM Sponge walks into view.

CM Sponge: Oh, there you are dummy. You sure do come in handy!

[Aya♥]

Nasty Catering

 

Michael Cole:  "OH MY, good thing this weeks Raw is in doors, it's a stormy night.  It's nights like this that remind me when Triple H misplaced the World Heavyweight Title at Wrestlemania 20.  It was a bright and beautiful day in New York..."


A blob pulls up in front of Mr. McMahon's Wrestling School.  Mr. McMahon is bathing in the tears of the wrestlers...i mean sports entertainers he denied access to WWE.


Mr. McMahon:  "-sniffs-  That smells like...-omit-!  Tape your wrists, clean the mat, change your gear, -omit-'s here!  If he finds one health violation, he'll commit a double murder suicide.  We've got to do everything we can to stop him!"


CM Sponge:  "Listen, Vince, there's no reason to worry.  The WWE is the most perfect place the Universe!"


Mr. McMahon:  "You don't have any brains do ya son?"


CM Sponge:  "I BET YOU WATCH TNA!"


Mr. McMahon:  "Just go out there and give him what he needs!  Pour on the charisma, sweet talk him."


CM Sponge:  "What can I get for you....handsome?"  

Mr. McMahon: 


-omit-:  "I'm going to need one of everything."


CM Sponge:  "Excellent choice my darling.  Coming right up!  He wants one of everything..."


Mr. McMahon:  "Then we'll give him a slobberknocker!  The future of the WWE is at stake."


CM Sponge:  "Try the Anaconda Vice sir."


Mr. McMahon:  "The strut is a touch of heaven."


CM Sponge:  "The Enziguri is exquisite."


Mr. McMahon:  "Fresh screwjob pudding!"


CM Sponge:  "GTS."


Mr. McMahon:  "Machines!"


-omit-: "ENOUGH, GENTLEMEN! Leave me to finish this head dive in peace." he pulls out a tooth from his trunks and uses it to eat.


CM Sponge:  "And did the AWWEESSSOME -omit- enjoy his match?"


-omit-:  "So far, so good.  I just need to try a plain diving headbutt to the outside of the ring, and my match will be finished."


CM Sponge, going back to the kitchen, "He says if he gets one more shot, he'll pass us for the inspection!"


Mr. McMahon lifts CM Sponge:  "Do you know what this means Punk?  We're in the clear!"  they start dancing, while McMahon tears his quads, Renee Young appears on the tele.


Renee:  "We interrupt this match to bring you a special interview.  Be on the look out for a man who has major brain damage passing himself off as healthy in order to obtain TV-14.  That's all for now."


Mr. McMahon:  "TV-14!!!"


CM Sponge:  "Maybe we ought to tell -omit- about the phony wrestler."


Mr. McMahon:  "YOU LOONEY TUNE, he is the imposter!  We've been screwed!"


CM Sponge:  "Screwed!"


Mr. McMahon:  "Jobbed!"


CM Sponge:  "We've been knocked down the card!"


Mr.  McMahon:  "I agree with ya!  Look at em, I bet he doesn't change his tights."


CM Sponge:  "I bet he bites chair shots."


Mr. McMahon:  "I bet his mom bought him those boots!  If that imposter brain damage, then by JBL we'll give him some."  the chairman gets out the script and writes in that -omit- does a diving headbutt at least 5 times a match.  "Join me boy or UR FIIIRRRRED."

CM Sponge:  "It doesn't seem PG, but it feels soooo good.  Chair shots to the head, the gnarliest stuff in wrestling."


Mr. McMahon:  "Oh, hold on, I got a jar of Zack Ryder's tears in me office!"


CM Sponge:  "Oops, I dropped it on the turnbuckle!"


Mr.  McMahon:  "I'll fish the tape out and lock it away forever!"


The finish writing the script for -omit-'s match,


Mr. McMahon:  "Why that's the most TV-14 match ever spawned."


CM Sponge:  "I call it, the Hardcore No Holds Barred Extreme Street Fight."


-omit-:  "Hey, hurry up with that script!"


CM Sponge:  "Here you are sir, enjoy!"
 

-omit-:  "Ahh, hello delicious!"  as he tries to lock the script into a Crippler Crossface, he gets a text from Chavo Guerrero, but doesn't get it in time, as he trips on the script and hangs himself on his Bowflex machine.


Mr. McMahon:  "Listen, he's doing the match!  Look at him choke!"  both Mr. McMahon and CM Sponge laugh at -omit-,  "Look at em suffer!"  a bible falls out of -omit-'s hands,  "Did ya see that boy!  The look on his face!"  the two continue to laugh for awhile, when Renee comes on the tv,


Renee:  "We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this interview.  The fake wrestler has been caught, here is his picture,    if a wrestler comes to your promotion, he is real and wants PG."


CM Sponge:  "Phew, that's a relief eh Mr. M?  I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explained the situation, then we can have a good laugh about it."


Mr. McMahon:  "I don't think he'll be laughin boy."


CM Sponge:  "Why sir?"


Mr. McMahon:  "Because that weight machine killed him!"   they both scream, look at -omit- again, and scream again.


CM Sponge:  "Mr. McMahon, what are we gonna do?!"


Mr. McMahon:  "What's this "we" stuff?  You gave him the TV-14 match!  Look's like it's the stoney lonesome for you!"


CM Sponge:  "But you told me to give it to him!"


Mr. McMahon:  "You could have talked me...no wait you couldn't."


CM Sponge:  "You're right Mr. McMahon.  I'm guilty.  I'll never survive in the doghouse, the jobbers will mop up the floor with me!"


Mr. McMahon:  "Get a hold of yourself boy, we've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it.  We gotta take it out, and bury it."


CM Sponge and McMahon are seen dragging -omit-'s body to the WWE graveyard, with tombstones that say "Booker T" and "Goldberg" and "Brian Kendrick"


CM Sponge:  "Ew, gross, it's all germy, icky and corpsey."  CM Sponge pulls out and ice cream flavored air freshener and sprays -omit- down with it.


Mr. McMahon:  "This should be far enough.  Now get buryin!"


CM Sponge:  "Yes sir." he starts burying but gets stopped.


Mr. McMahon:  "What's the hold up?!"


CM Sponge:  "The Rock is in the way!"


Mr. McMahon:  "Well toss him out and get digging!"


CM Sponge attempts to remove The Rock but jobs to him.


Mr. McMahon:  "Somethin ain't quite right."


CM Sponge:  "What do you mean McMahon?"


Mr. McMahon:  "His head's sticken out!"


CM Sponge:  "Sorry Mr. McMahon, I thought he might want to do some diving headbutts.


Mr. McMahon:  "They don't need headbutts where he's goin."


CM Sponge:  "Should we say a few words on his behalf?"


Mr. McMahon:  "He was a credit to technical wrestlers everywhere and uh..."


CM Sponge: 


Mr. McMahon:  "You listen here you little jobber, no one, and I mean no one will ever see this man on my product.  It will be the end of you and it will be the end of me.  Worst of all, it will be the end of me."


???:  "Stop right where you are! 

I'm afraid we're going to have to arrest the two of you."


CM Sponge:  "Mr. McMahon I'm to young to go to the doghouse!"


Mr. McMahon:  "And what will be the charges?"


Boss Man:  "For not being at the WWE to whip us up a pair of matches!"  the two officers start to laugh.


Mr. McMahon starts to laugh,  "Laugh boy."


CM Sponge: 


Boss Woman:  "Put that muddy shovel in the trunk and we'll give you a ride back."


Mr. McMahon:  "Punk, listen carefully, we're just gettin a lift back to the WWE.  I need you to stay calm, and don't lose your cool, understand?"


CM Sponge:  "Can I lose my cool now?"


Mr. McMahon:  "Why?"


This rolls up next to them, 

 

They both scream,


Mr. McMahon:  "Put him in the trunk boy!  I'll keep them entertainers busy."


CM Sponge:  "Oh JBL, get away!  Ahem, all set back here.  Nothing usual about a muddy shovel!"


Mr. McMahon:  "All set!"


CM Sponge: 


Boss Woman:  "You ok there little fella?"  she then turns into Sheamus.


Mr. McMahon:  "He gets car sick real easy."


Boss Man:  "Well buckle up and we'll drive real smoothly."


Mr. McMahon:  "Now listen Punk, when we get to the WWE, I want you to take that shovel and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff, err I mean stow it in Ryder's locker.  Understand?"


CM Sponge:  "I understand Vince, but what to you want me to do with wah-"


Mr. McMahon:  "Washing Machine!  Same thing, put it in the locker."


the scene cuts to Punk dragging -omit-'s body to the back entrance of the arena.


CM Sponge:  "Oh man, this is so gross.  The back door is locked.  What am I going to do?"


CM Sponge comes to the door with this, 

Spoiler

Mr. McMahon:  "Ahoy there lad!  I thought you were out back, taking care of that shovel.


CM Sponge:  "Well the back door was locked so I came around here.  So if you will EXCUSE ME I am going to put my trunks in the freezer now."


Mr. McMahon:  "Okie Dokie Punk."


Boss Man:  "Is that kid ok?"


Sheamus:  "He's actin quite funny laddie."


Mr. McMahon:  "Funny?  Oh yeah, he's real good on that mic, he know how to keep the crowd entertained, good one boy!  Always on on that one."  McMahon laughs for a good while, then Punk's trunks fall off.  "Look!  It's open wallet night!  First two wrestlers get all my money!"


Boss Man's radio calls, "Sierra Hotel India Echo Lima Delta.."


Boss Man:  "86 those matches Vince, we just got a call about two wrestlers burying someone."


Sheamus:  "I want a pint."


Mr. McMahon:  "Here's your soda, always a pleasure serving the Irish."


Sheamus:  "Eh laddie, I want a crossface, to hold my drink."


Mr. McMahon:  "Crossface, crossface, you want a crossface, is that what you want, you want a crossface?"


CM Sponge:  "The dark deed you requested is done sir."


Sheamus:  "Eh, I guess I'll get it my self, Crossfaces are in the freezer right?"


Mr. McMahon:  "THERE'S NEVER BEEN A CROSSFACE, CROSSFACES ARE JUST A MYTH."


Sheamus:  "Step aside laddie.  You people act like you're trying to erase a wrestler from existence."


Mr. McMahon:  "Ok I confess!  Punk killed em!"


CM Sponge:  "What?!  You can't pin this whole thing on me."


Mr. McMahon:  "He was insane, out of control, he would have given a pipebomb if you hadn't come along."


CM Sponge:  "It would be better if you were dead."


Mr. McMahon:  "Put him down now, he's a Junkyard Dog!"


CM Sponge:  "HE WEARS CENA PAJAMAS TO BED."


Mr. McMahon:  "Wait, it's not whatcha think!"


Sheamus:  "What are ya fellas talkin about?"


Mr. McMahon:  "We killed -omit- buried him and then stuffed his body in Zack Ryder's locker.  "

Sheamus:  "You mean in here?"  he opens it up and sees Zack singing Hoeski.


Mr. McMahon:  "It's empty."


Sheamus:  "Is this some kind of a joke?"


Mr. McMahon:  "Yeeeaahhhh a joke!"


Sheamus:  "Say, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out!"  they all share a good laugh, when this walks in,

CM Sponge:  "AHH, IT'S A ZOMBIE!"


-omit-:  "Hey you guys."


Boss man hits him with his nightstick, "Take that you zombie!"


Sheamus:  "I'll take it from here,  BROGUE! "

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 5: Long Island Iced Loser

We open up to a shot of the WWE Universe.

Michael Cole: Welcome to the longest-running bi-weekly episodic spinoff on SBC! Where we showcase the finest physical specimens in the ring.

Cuts to a shot of Long Island.

Michael Cole: Oh my! Well, here not.

Zack Ryder is sleeping on his Internet Title belt when a beer truck arrives and Stone Cold sprays him awake with a beer hose.

Stone Cold: Special delivery, you sumbitch!

Stone Cold throws a box at Ryder before giving him the one finger salute and driving off. Ryder opens it and to his surprise, it's a Slammy Award.

Zack Ryder: A Slammy? I never got an award before! Hey catering, I got an award!

He ran over to Shockmaster Fields.

Zack Ryder: Hey Shockmasters, I got an award!

Zack would be in for a shock as he then got squashed by the Shockmaster.

Zack Ryder: Long Island, I got an awar-

He chokes on the bad Long Island air.

Zack Ryder: I've gotta show CM Sponge!

CM Sponge was back in Chicago building a house of cards with Scotty Goldman

CM Sponge: Hold still, Scotty.

Scotty Goldman: Dude, it's Colt Cabana.

Ryder runs in with his Slammy in hand and gets squashed by the house of cards.

Zack: Hey CM Sponge, guess what?

CM Sponge: You won a Slammy Award?

Zack: Woo Woo Woo! You know it!

CM Sponge: What's it for?

Zack: See for yourself.

CM Sponge: "For Outstanding Achievement in Facial Hair: CM Sponge PunkPants".

Zack: CM Sponge PunkPants? That's a funny way to spell my name.

CM Sponge: Zack, I think this award is for me. Someone must've botched and you got it by mistake.

Zack: But it's spiky!

CM Sponge: Yeah, but you know what else is spiky?

Zack: Ice cream bars?

CM Sponge: Woo Woo Woo! You know it!

Zack: I can find it. Is it in here.

CM Sponge: No, don't. That's my-

Zack opens a random closet door and gets squashed by CM Sponge's many Slammys.

CM Sponge: Slammy Award closet.

Zack: I want an award!

Zack begins tweeting and crying about it on Twitter, causing #IWantAnAward to trend worldwide.

CM Sponge emerges from the pile of awards with 2 "Best in the World" ribbons in his eyes.

CM Sponge: Zack, don't whine and bitch.

Zack: Why? It worked out swell for you.

CM Sponge: Because I'm the best in the world. I'm sure you'll get one someday.

Zack: Im never gonna get an award because I got over on my own!

CM Sponge: But you're Long Island Iced-Z!

Zack: That's easy for you to say, you're The Best In The World.

CM Sponge: Zack, if you wanna win a Slammy, you have to do something.

Zack: I wanna face The Undertaker at Wrestemania and not end the streak!

CM Sponge: Me too! But that's a little hard, I would know. How about we start smaller?

Zack: I wanna lose to Triple H clean on pay per view!

CM Sponge: Smaller.

Zack: Lose to John Cena clean on Raw?

CM Sponge: Smaller.

Zack: On Smackdown?

CM Sponge: The smallest you can think of!

Zack: Wrestle with catering?

CM Sponge: Yeah! We always get catering at live events all the time!

Zack: Then lets take care and spike our hair!

The scene cuts to backstage at Wrestlemania.

Zack: Boy, it sure was nice of Mr. McMahon to get me to job tonight!

CM Sponge: I'm pretty sure Vinnie got you "a job" not "to job".

Zack bumps into Randy Orton backstage.

CM Sponge: Hey Randy, guess who's here to job-

Randy: STUPID!

Randy RKOs Zack out nowhere

Randy: STUPID!

He proceeds to punt Zack in the head.

Randy: STUPID!

Randy storms off as CM Sponge digs Zack up from his grave.

Zack: Do I get an award now?

CM Sponge: You have to work for it, remember?

Zack: ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO?

Caterer: Order up!

Ryder eats up the caterer's tray of food.

Zack: Do I get my award now?

CM Sponge: No, make sure the tray gets to the table.

Zack: Gotcha, bro.

He takes another tray of food over to Mark Henry's table but he eats all the food on the way there, leaving Henry with an empty tray.

CM Sponge: Almost. Try again and make sure the food gets to the table

Zack takes another tray of food to Mark Henry's table and puts it through the table.

Zack: Like that?

Dean Ambrose: Nope.

Zack: ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO?

Mark Henry proceeds to squash Ryder and puts him through another table.

CM Sponge: Lets try something different. All you have to do is answer the phone.

The phone rings and Zack answers it.

Brodus Clay: Somebody call my mama, it's getting funky up in here!

Zack: Woo Woo Woo! You know it!

He hangs up and answers the phone again when it rings.

Road Dogg: Oh you didn't know? Your ass better call somebodyyyyy!

Zack: Woo Woo Woo! You know it!

He hangs up and answers again for a third time.

Sheamus: BROOOOOGUE!

Zack: ARE YOU SERIOUS, BROGUE?

Zack hangs up angrily.

Zack: Who writes this stuff?

CM Sponge: Creative. It looks a little dusty around the ring, take this broom and-

Zack: What for, I can't do anything right by WWE's standards.

Zack grabs the broom and sweeps with top side of it. Triple H walks up to him.

Triple H: Hey pal, did you just blow in from Long Island.

Zack proceeds to wrestle with the broom and gets squashed by it.

Zack: I can't do anything right! I'm never getting an award now.

CM Sponge: Never give up, Zack. This time I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar.

Zack grabs a jar and puts it in a headlock. He wrestles the jar to the ground, struggling to wrench it open. He kips up with the jar in one hand and the lid in his other.

Zack: Oh no, I botched it!

CM Sponge: No Zack, you did it!

Zack: I did? Woo Woo Woo!

CM Sponge: You know it!

Zack: TOUCHDOWN!

Zack throws the jar to the ground but ends up getting squashed by it.

CM Sponge: You just keep doing what I do and you'll have a Slammy in no time.

The next morning, CM Sponge stops by Long Island on his way to work and comes across Zack Ryder in CM Sponge gear and with his hair not spiked up.

CM Sponge: Wow, it's funny how a little change in character can make a guy look exactly...like...me. It's pretty creepy, yet flattering!

They head down to the arena. CM Sponge checks his imaginary watch.

CM Sponge: ITS CLOBBERIN TIIIIIIIME!

Zack also checks his invisible Rolex.

Zack: IT'S CLOBBERIN TIIIIIIIME!

CM Sponge: Almost forgot my hoodie.

Zack: Me too!

CM Sponge tears up a fan's sign and Zack follows suit. He grabs another sign and gives it right back as Zack rips his up.

CM Sponge: Aha! You are copying me!

Zack: Yes.

CM Sponge: And D-Bry! Why are you doing that?

Zack: So I can get a Slammy like you.

CM Sponge: Well it's annoying so stop it.

Chris Jericho: How do you think I feel?

Zack: Stop it.

CM Sponge: Go die, you homo!

Zack: Go die, you homo!

CM Sponge & Zack: YOU HAVE A VAGINA!

CM Sponge runs out of the arena as Zack Ryder follows him (on twitter). CM Sponge buries himself and Zack buries himself with him.

CM Sponge: Not fun being me now, huh?

Zack: Are you kidding? I was doing this way before I was copying you!

CM Sponge digs himself out and runs to the safety of the Chicago crowd to big pop , but finds that it's only the Long Island crowd made up to look like Chicago.

Zack: My turn!

Zack arrives to another big pop as CM Sponge escapes to the his real Chicago.

CM Sponge: I wish I had the old Zack bac, but he just wants to be like me. Hmmm...

CM Sponge walks back to Long Island decked out in Ryder gear.

CM Sponge: Hi, Im Long Island Iced-Z. I'm one of the most over comedic acts in the WWE because I'm hip and I take care and spike my hair! Bro, I sure am glad I'm me and not CM Sponge!

Zack: What's so great about being Long Island Iced Loser?!

CM Sponge's spiked hair plops down.

Zack: Exactly. I was never closer to a Slammy award until the minute I started copying you.

CM Sponge: But Zack-

Zack: ZACK'S NOT HERE!

Stone Cold: Trophy delivery!

Stone Cold opens up a box of Slammys on Ryder, stunning him before speeding off on his atv.

CM Sponge: Another Slammy?

Zack: Great! What's it for this time?!

CM Sponge: For absolutely jobbing, longer than anyone else...Zack! This Slammy's for you!

Zack: ARE YOU SERIOUS, BRO?

He grabs it and fist pumps it in the air. They then both take off each others clothes.

CM Sponge: So what are you gonna do now?

Zack: Im gonna protect my title!

Zack grabs his Internet Title belt and spends the rest of his days under contract jobbing.

[crushingmayhem]

Great job, its just like the WWE.